Segments - 289: Engaged

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

In this episode we discuss age, fiancés, and cross dressing.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Treason. By Jacob Legrand. Thank you. Do you appreciate it? From one Jacob to another? Yeah. Now that I know his name's Jacob, he can do no wrong. Thanks, Jacob LeBron, for creating that theme song for us back in the studio.

We haven't personally recorded a podcast in over two weeks because you've been flying all around the country. All over the place. You spent a week in Nantucket. Oh, yeah. You spent a week in New York slash North Carolina. Oh, yeah. And now you're back in Los Angeles. Feeling sad. What? Feeling bad. That we're back in the studio or? I don't know. Or you're just

post, this is like the feeling you get at the end of summer. Yeah, there's like a vacation size hole in my heart. And it's over. I'm back to real life. Can you be in a vacation forever or do you get antsy? I can be in a vacation forever. You know, like what week in Nantucket, going to the beach every day and then you leave. I forgot about anything here existing. Yeah. And that includes? You.

Yeah, okay. Because I was going to tiptoe around it a little bit. No, no, no. Let's lean into it a little bit. Yeah. You were the first thing I forgot. And I went on vacation to forget you. And then when you remembered me

you were a little bit relieved you were like kind of disappointed but overall you're happy I feel like now you're setting yourself up for disappointment you went from tiptoeing around to busy because you didn't want

to hear the answer what is it that when you hear there was a pit in my stomach every unlike I would be enjoying a beer with my family on vacation

and then like I would get a pit in my stomach and I'd be like what am I worried about and then like what was it did you have like gas I would be like oh. And then I would get a pit in my stomach, and I'd be like, what am I worried about? And then you would flash into my mind. I would be like, oh, I have to return home to this. Everything, traffic, smog. To you specifically.

Yeah, what else do you dislike? Because you hate L.A. So now you know that I hate you, and you want to just know if I had at least a couple other things. If it's like a package deal. It's not like that. It's not like that. It's not like that. What is it?

I hate you. Shoot me straight. It sounds like that's the last thing you want. I want to know the truth. You don't want to know the truth. Because it hurts to hear is all. Yeah, I stayed here in California, like a real Californian.

I'm never leaving this state. Good man. Nor do I need to. What about our Canadian tour that I want to do someday? What's that? I wanted to crisscross Canada together. Oh, the Crisscross Canada tour. The start in Vancouver and then whatever the easternmost city is.

Sure, Montreal. Is it? Yeah. All right, cool. Back we go, Montreal. Is there a way we can make it crisscross Canada and then another C word? So we can call it the 4C something.

Oh, crisscross Canada caravan. Yeah, caravan works. Camper. Oh, so we drive a camper across. How long would that take? Probably a couple days. Canada's not that big. It's as big as...

No, not as big as my fucking country. Oh, oh, oh! How big is fucking Canada? Probably half the size of the U.S., if not less, right? I mean, from a map, it looks like it's bigger. East to west, what is that?

I don't know. I don't really know. That's like Seattle to Idaho. There's no way it goes past that. There's no way it continues, right? Oh, the Northwest Passage is up there. What else does it have? I mean, it looks like it's bigger, but I can't tell, really.

How does that work? Well, actually, no, it's not because we got Alaska. That's right, we do. We fucking stole it from them. You didn't do it. I did it. It was part of the Louisiana Purchase. Hoorah!

No, that's... Oh, the easternmost city is... I mean, we would end up in Newfoundland. Oh, I believe it's called Newfoundland. Because honestly, they're so fucking backwards there that they'll be like, they'll call it one thing and spell it another. Ass backwards. This is something we'll talk about on the tour.

Absolutely. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. I'm Rory. Whoa. Oh, I totally spaced. All right. All right.

Introduce yourself again. Oh, yeah. I'm Rory. All right. Introduce yourself again. Oh, yeah. I'm Rory. I'm Kane. Really? Yeah. So while you were in Nantucket, I did this crazy thing. What?

Changed your name to Rory? Well, I'm just giving it a test. I didn't do anything legal-wise. But yeah, I wanted to see how that sounded coming out of my mouth. I definitely don't love it. Yeah. And that's not to say that it won't grow on me. Because you don't like Amir, but what are your thoughts on Rory?

Oh, yeah. I am woman. Hear me, Rory. Oh, so Rory's a woman. Yeah. So a lot happened while I was on vacation. Absolutely. Changed the old gender.

You didn't just stay here like a real Angeleno or whatever you said. You were here changing. Yeah, you didn't legally change your name, but you got a sex change. I spent it in Vermont. Like a real Californian? That's right. And now you identify as a different sex. Actually, speaking of gender fluidity, we got an email that touches on that.

As always, these are real emails from real people. I'm going to call this person Rory, because he reminds me a little bit of myself, quite honestly. Nice. Rory writes, Yo bros, I'm dating a smoke show of a queen lady who happens to be of bisexual orientation. Now, unbeknownst to her, I am

a cross-dresser. That's right. I like to dress in garments of a lady folk. Speaking honestly, I'm very convincing as a woman when I dress up and have even been hit on by straight men at bars when I go out dressed up. I haven't told my girlfriend about this weird-ass thing, but since she's bisexual, I look quite good as a lady. Do you think she'd be into it? I feel kind of guilty keeping this secret from her, but I also don't want to lose her over such a silly thing if she reacts poorly. Okay.

Have you ever dressed as a woman? When I was little, I would dress in my sister's dresses. Okay. When I was like, I don't know, four. But not since then. No, but sister's dresses. Okay. When I was like, I don't know, four. But not since then. No, but I looked hot. Yeah, as a four-year-old boy girl. Oh, when I was in sixth grade, I did a talent show where I was a Spice Girl.

Yeah, that was your talent? Well, we did a lip sync, me and a couple other guys. And four other girls. So do you, but I feel like By the way, I was sporty Spice, so I was wearing pants. So everybody needs to realize.

I'm not, no one judged you at all. Yeah. By the way, I see a picture of you. What'd you say? You're in complete face makeup and you're scary Spice.

You're wearing a tutu. I was Mel B. I'm Mel B in the place to be. You got be uh i'm lb in the place to be you got then in a day that i did a d the d that i did a d that's for me yeah you'll see send me buddy down uh i feel like we have friends that do this for fun i don't quite understand the appeal we do yeah don't like don't dave and jeff dress up as girls for halloween and quite like willingly to jeff like shaved his legs i think yeah um i think it sounds like it's

different though like dressing up for a girl as a girl for halloween and then like you know cross-dressing for pleasure yeah but that's how it starts i feel like costume play and then it's like maybe it's like maybe i'll just fucking do it and go out i don't know if that if it's that simple maybe it is nothing is that simple uh but one i would say it's okay to tell your girlfriend about it and two i feel like he's extra safe because she's bisexual is that woke to say yeah well then she should at least understand uh being a little bit different than the norm yeah uh also i feel like he says I don't want to lose her over such a silly thing. But if you like full on go to the bar dressed as a woman, that's not like a silly little thing. That's like a full on sexual preference you have.

Or if not sexual preference. I wonder what. Yeah. It's like, it's not nothing to you. Yeah. That much is clear. You're spending a night as women sometimes so yeah i would i want to talk to this guy and be like why when do you

choose to go out as a woman how do you buy a woman's clothes when you're out do you tell the people that are talking to you that you're actually a woman right what joy do you get that you don't get when you're dressed as a male? But I feel like if his girlfriend is bisexual, she's a little bit more open-minded about this kind of stuff. Yeah, that's true. You're definitely safer than if you were just dating a really conservative lady. I never hear about a woman dressing up as a guy. Thoughts? There's like those movies about it.

G.I. Jane's about that. Yeah, but when i think on when i when i think of crossdressers it's always male to female right or there's probably a smaller maybe they walk among us and we don't know what the fuck is maybe i am a lady and you get the fuck away from me uh yeah i mean it seems like that's more of a premise of a movie where like your best buddy all of a sudden takes off her top and she's got a huge uh a huge rack yeah like that's a that is a movie right yeah well i want to know if crossdressers is can go both ways or when people say crossdressing can go both ways yeah but you never see it the other way, do you?

Or am I just... I'm just talking about this movie, dude. Yeah, it's a movie. It's not like an everyday thing. Well. A person who dresses... A man who dresses up in woman's clothes is a male-to-female cross-dresser. And a woman who dresses up as male

is a female-to-male cross-dresser. There you go. My son is a cross... See, the two examples are my dad cross-dressed as Marilyn Monroe for the Halloween party, which is pretty funny. And my son is a cross... See, the two examples are my dad cross-dressed as Marilyn Monroe for the Halloween party, which is pretty funny. And my son is a cross-dresser. Happy birthday.

Oh, God. Dad, you're so embarrassing. But in an actual way. Alright, so we both say the same thing. Tell her... Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel. And I want to talk to a cross dresser

I want to understand more we have had bi people on the show right? yes and we've had open relationship people on the show and gay and straight people you know what trips me up about cross dressing is makeup I don't like wearing makeup

even if it's makeup that you wear for TV guys have to put on powder and all that stuff too. I don't know. For whatever reason, I feel claustrophobic in makeup and lipstick and all that stuff. Yeah. And a wig and a tight dress. I don't even like wearing an expensive shirt. I don't like to stand out in any way.

I try to just wear blue or gray and blend in. So if I was wearing a dress, I would feel like... What if it was a gray dress? Is it long? Yeah. I would want to wear a short dress. Yeah, a short little number. Actually, I can put you in a cute little short number.

I would wear like a maxi or a midi. A what? Maybe. Well, there's like the maxi is like the dress that goes down to your ankles. The midi goes down to like your mid, like? Maybe. Well, there's like the maxi is like the dress that goes down to your ankles. The midi goes down to like your mid, like the calf. Got it. Would you be a maxinista? I would definitely do, I would do a maxi dress, I guess.

Yeah. That seems very comfortable. But then I would worry about my panty lines. I don't know. There's some dresses. It's not so simple. There's some dresses that look like tank tops that go all the way down. Those seem comfortable.

She was kind of cool, but I don't know. But then, yeah, it's the wig and the makeup and stuff. I start feeling a little claustrophobic, like I said. Like I'm wearing too much stuff or I'm closed in or there's stuff on my skin. I don't like wearing jewelry either. I don't even wear a watch. Well, for certain people, they don't feel comfortable wearing anything but the makeup and the dress and the wig and that stuff. And that's like that's when they feel more like themselves.

I think that's what cross-dressing is about, right? Yeah. You don't do it because you want to be uncomfortable and stand out. You do it because like that's what makes you feel best. Sure. Kind of like how you feel best just covered in ketchup lying on your floor. Oh, very funny. Oh, that's so rich.

Oh, I can't wait to hear more about this. This fucking ketchup thing. That was one time. Sorry, Rory. Rory doesn't have a good attitude. She's sort of thin-skinned. And covered in ketchup. Yeah.

She snaps quite easily unfortunately she has a short fuse and a short temper uh all right let's answer another question let's see what we got here uh oh here's a question from a lady hey oh do you have a lady's name let's call her her Eliza. I like it. Hey there, Eliza writes, I'm a 21 year old girl, just recently turned 21 and I've been dating this 25 year old guy for about three months. He's super hot, really successful, fun, and

sex is the bomb. Things were going great and I wanted him to come to my birthday dinner and meet some of my family and friends until he sat me down the other day and told me that he's been lying about his age to me and that he's actually 34. The ugliest age you can be. I'm 34. Oh, shit. I really like him and I don't know what to do. Do I give him a second chance? Is the age difference fine? Help. But yeah, it's come back to Minneapolis. Loved it. Loved Minneapolis. Here's a question.

Yeah. It's legal to be 34. The end. Here's a question. It's legal to be 34. This sounds like you're justifying it. Well, my question, it is like, if she's 21 and he's 34, that's a legal relationship. Yes. So it really does come down to personal preference. Yeah.

It depends on the 34. It depends on the 21. Some 34s feel like 29 and some 21s feel like 30. But why? It's so fucked up for like if this guy was 50 and he was dating a 21 year old or if it was a woman and she was 50 and she was dating a 21 year old I would be like, that's nasty.

But why is it fine for, like This is a different question but like, then if she was 16 and the guy was 19, that's illegal. Yeah. But it's a much more acceptable age range yeah that makes sense i think the it's more about the percentage difference than the age difference so like you know like 16 and 20 like somebody's 25 older than you but 34 and 21 is also uh that much of a percent but the older older you are, the less the difference matters.

There's that formula that is, you know, divide your age by two and plus seven. Do you subscribe to that? What's 16 plus seven is what? So if this guy's 34, you divide it by two, that's 17 and then add seven, 24. So the, although legal- Wait, 34 divided by two is 17?

Yeah. Wow. Imagine that. Insane. then add seven 24 so the although legal divided by two is 17 yeah wow imagine that insane and so wait what's or wait what's uh what's 32 divided by two 16 16 oh so i was right about plus seven but i can't figure that one out oh because you're 32 you're trying to figure out i'm trying to figure out for myself to see if i agree with it yeah so you're 16 plus 7 is obviously 23 okay so your acceptable age range is 23 and up. Does that sound about right? Yeah.

That sounds about right. But I could definitely still fuck a 20 year old if I needed to. Yeah like if you had to like if it was part of a fucking like game show or something. No 23 sounds about right

because that's like that's like I think that divided by 2 plus 7 is more of like a socially acceptable thing rather than like a legal thing.

Right. Legality is 18 and over? Yes, I believe it is. Right. So creepy. Like when you, now that I think about like, you know, remember when the Olsen twins had like a countdown until when they turned 18? Oh yeah, my website. Jesus.

Which was like, it felt sort of normal when I was like, I think I was around that age too. Right. But now that I think about like 60-year-olds waiting until the Olsens turn 18, like, oh, that's so nasty. Yeah. That's because now you're closer to a 60-year-old than an 18-year-old. Interesting. Am I? No.

Cool. So this case specifically, 34 and 21. 21 one is it weird the age difference there too there's the whole lying thing that's what's weird to moi yeah but maybe she wouldn't have maybe she wouldn't have um wanted to be with a 34 year old so he's like i'll lie and then i'll i'll show her how great i am and then when i tell her the truth, she'll know the real me. And it's then too late to break up with me. But then you also have to think about like, even when you're okay with it,

you have to introduce a 34 year old to your parents and all your friends. And do you want to fight that uphill battle of everybody being like, this guy's a little cradle robber? Right. So according to this calculation, 34 divided by two is 17 plus seven. She's three years toober. Right. So according to this calculation, 34 divided by 2 is 17 plus 7.

She's three years too young. Yeah. But that same age difference, 13 years, becomes less of a big deal the older you get. Like if he was 40 and she was 27, that's the divide by 2 plus 7 thing. So she can either wait six years and then it becomes socially acceptable where she's 27 he's 40 it's the same 13 years when he's 90

and you're a spry what 77 is 77 yeah yeah wait till then let's do that that sounds good that's basically

the same age percentage wise right so first of all 34 year old pretending to be 25 those are some good genes yeah good for

you good man uh it's completely bald yeah i thought he was 50 uh but then the whole lying thing you can't be like yeah give him a second shot because he's a lot even though he's a liar but he did end up telling the truth he confessed eventually yeah i think i wish i wish that he lied about being like 31 or something. 34 is just a little weird. Yeah. Lying to be nine years younger is kind of fucked. Yeah.

That's literally my age, 34, lying to be a 25-year-old. You think, yeah. Like, if you lie to be 25, he must know that it's kind of weird. Yeah. You usually hear about the lying the other way. The girl will be like, I'm 25. And then she's like, oh, I'm actually 20. Right, oh, God.

But this is the whole lying down thing. What do you think I can lie until? What do you think, once I start saying what age, would it sound unbelievable? I think you get down to 30. Really? Yeah. 29, nobody's buying it? Maybe somebody does. What if I dye my gray hair? Yeah, then you get down to 30. Really? Yeah. 29, nobody's buying it? Maybe somebody does.

What if I dye my gray hair? Yeah, then you get down to 19. Really? No. Amazing. I think you get maybe 29. 29? Yeah.

That's pretty good. Not bad. Yeah. Especially because I don't think I can get down below 30. Really? People usually think I'm older than I am. Do they think? I wonder if people, strangers would think you're older than me.

I think people have thought that before. Yeah. I have wrinkles in my forehead. But is it average? We have to show strangers photos of us and see what people end up thinking. All right. All right. So for this lady, what do you want to tell her?

Wait, the question is like, should she keep on hanging out with him? Yeah. I think at the very least you can introduce him to people and then see what everybody thinks. And if people are like, no, this is creepy, then not that you should always do what everybody thinks. But I feel like this is a specific kind of thing that I would personally crowdsource. It's hard because you want to tell this girl, you're like, you're 21. This guy was lying to you. Don't you understand?

But then, he's hot and successful and fun and the sex is bomb. So I don't want her to just throw it away. What if he's super apologetic? He has a good reason. If you're already having sex with the... I feel like it's already too late.

You fucked the 34-year-old. So you might as well see what's up and if he gets along with your friends. I wonder if she would have dated him if she knew the real age the whole time. 34. God, what an oldie. When I was in high school, I had teachers in their 20s. They were younger than I am now.

Yeah, that's so weird. Especially because I'm not actually fucking... This is stupid, but I'm actually 39. Oh, no. Yeah. You lied to me. I lied to everyone. What movie was it? Almost Famous, where he finds out that he's younger than his parents had always told him he was?

Oh, they told him the truth. He's like, by the way, you're not actually 17, you're 14. Yeah, something like that. That would be fun to find out now. Yeah. You could definitely lie to your kid, at the very least about his birthday, probably about his birth year. I used to get in trouble because my mom,

somebody would be in the mall. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember yelling, no, mom, you're 35. You're 35. She'd lie to somebody about her age, and she was really mad at me. And you remember your mom when she was my age?

Yeah. Wow. Right, because she was 29 when she had me. Wow. Imagine that, 29. So you remember your mom when she was your age currently? Yeah, probably. But yeah, she was 30 because she was 32 when she was pregnant with the triplets.

And you remember that? I remember that, yeah. Is that your first memory? I remember my first memory is like falling down the stairs when I was two. Daddy pushed me. Daddy pushed you. Because I was being a loud little muffin. Well, I remember learning over and over again.

Fell down the stairs. Fell down the stairs. Yeah, he hammered it home. No, I remember reaching. I was crawling up the stairs and I reached for a toy. And then I remember like all the stairs sort of like falling out from under me and like slipping down. Wow. And I was, and I didn't know at the time, obviously, but my mom told me later on that I was two when that happened.

Wow. So I remember that. That is very young memory. I also sort of, I think I remember something else that happened when I was two. Yeah. Burning my hand on a stove two very traumatizing events none of the happy stuff yeah i remember like i remember stuff from israel and i don't remember if it was like before we moved to la when i was like two and a half or like when we visited back when i was like four or five i remember pringle a pringle a memory of a Pringles can in America because we, my entire family of five were living, was living in a two bedroom apartment in the Valley. And one of the

snacks that we had were Pringles and they were made, they were still in a canister, like a tennis ball thing, but they had the, the metal thing that you pull off the metal pull off tab. And I remember playing a wheel of fortune board game with my cousins or my brothers, and I was just leaning back, sort of sitting on my hands, but one of my hands was being sliced by the metal disc. And somebody was like, your finger's bleeding, and I'm like,

ah! It felt like an itch to me at the time, but the top of the Pringles can was slicing my finger. Oh, God, and you saw it and you just freaked out. It was the 80s. We didn't know better. We could have metal fucking slicers. It was automatically in the wound.

Sour cream and onion salt. Jesus Christ. Not just any salt. Barbecue salt. I still like Pringles a lot. Pringles are great. So for this one, what are we telling? Final answer? You're already dating the 34 year old. So I feel like the damage is done and she's

worried about the lie and introducing him to the friends. Yeah. I mean, you might as well introduce him to the friends because they're either going to be like, yeah, thumbs up or thumbs down. Yeah. So I think you need a larger test audience. I wouldn't break up though right now. Yeah. So I think you need a larger test audience. I wouldn't break up, though, right now. Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't break up, but at the same time, I feel bad telling her not to break up, not to punish the liar. It feels weird being a 34-year-old guy

telling a 21-year-old girl not to break up with a 34-year-old guy. All right, so let's start from the top. Break up with this fucking weirdo. This fucking creep-ass lying perv. I mean, it's true, kind of, because I wouldn't lie about this and you wouldn't. So the fact that he did is kind of creepy.

Fuck it. Full reversal. Break up with the fucker. Let's take a break. Thanks in sponse. And we'll be back with more Rory. Rory! And we've returned.

What's up? Since we recorded last, you became a 32-year-old. I turned 32. Yeah, and also you've been engaged to marry someone. You're engaged. I've become engaged. You've become a fiancé. You left as a 31-year-old.

Bachelor. Yeah, and you've returned to 32-year-old fiancé. Yeah. That's what, that's what the male one is called, right? It is weird to become a fiance. A fiance is male and female, right? Yes. I think it's weird because boyfriend and girlfriend is different for gender, husband and wife. But when you're in that little gray zone, oh, we're both the fiance. Oh yes. I am a fiance now. It would be funny if, if it was was the fiancé and the man was the fiancé. Fiancé.

I am her fiancé, and so she is my fiancé. Oh, say what you sow. What happened? How are you married now? I'm not married. Oh, right. Of course. You just just promised your, you've promised to marry. Uh, yeah. I've been sort of low-key dating somebody for a while.

Yeah. Low-key in the podcasting sense. Yeah, you didn't mention her in the pod. No, keeping her a little secret to myself. Smart. Smart. But now that you're fianced. Now I'm fianced. You feel fian to, at the very least, say that on the show. I feel like everybody, I feel like a lot of people saw it happen.

And it's kind of weird if we don't discuss it. It's on your Instagram. Everybody, I'm engaged. It's crazy that it's Instagram official. Like, I thought you'd become engaged. That's fine. But the fact that it's Instagram official, that's like legit. Yeah.

No, it's actually the reverse what it's crazier yeah I mean it's one thing to buy somebody a ring and promise the rest of your life to them

but like to post it on Instagram yeah that's insane was there pressure about the post because you know it's going to be

a liked post yeah that's true I thought about the caption a little bit I thought about the photo a little bit i thought about the thought about the photo we also didn't post it on instagram for a little bit it's crazy yeah the privacy of the moment to ourselves and like you think about what filter you're

going to use as a kid and then that moment comes and you just fucking throw it all away so like i love you i want to spend my whole life with you you're amazing and what do you think mayfair yeah emerald i can actually vignette it and i will make it right oh shit there's a typo did if it was mayfair or if it was um yeah can you go back and see what filters you applied to a photo? I wonder. Heavily. We should say that the picture is heavily, heavily photoshopped, right? Oh, yeah.

I mean, my fiancée is a 98-year-old man. Her team actually spent days photocropping it. Yeah, no, you can't change the filter. You can change the caption itself. Oh, fuck. Is it your most liked photo? It is. So I feel like right off the bat, it's paying off dividends. Yeah.

It's not enough new followers, though. So if you're out there, you should really go follow and like my photo. Oh, my God. Come on! What the hell other point is there? So now you go from, you know, kind of thinking about maybe stressing about, like, popping the question straight into stressing about and thinking about a wedding party. Yeah, stressing about a wedding.

I mean, this will be a year-long thread, hopefully. Yeah, that we can talk about. Instantly dive into wedding venue research which is insane people book their venue year two years in advance the first place i saw i really liked and i found out it wasn't available until 2019 wow you know like cool if you just fucking were rich and baller and you're like oh i have a wedding venue every year for the next five years i would if i was rich and baller i would probably rather probably rather even just buy someone out for their date.

Like the wife? The bride-to-be? Yeah. Hey, I heard you guys had August 23rd. I'll marry her. How's that? So I'll double it. Yeah.

And I'll marry her. And these venues do like five weddings a week, six weddings a weekend sometimes. Six a weekend? Yeah. It seems like they got to have one per weekend. It's frustrating because you spend so much money and then you're like, oh yeah, well, you can't have the space until this time. You have to get up at this time because another wedding's coming.

I'm like, so my ass, I'm not special. I want to give you tens of thousands of dollars and I'm come in. Like, so my ass, I'm not special? I want to give you tens of thousands of dollars and I'm not special? And I'm waiting for, just like waiting for another ceremony to end in a tuxedo. Right. Like, I don't want to pass another bride

in the hallway going to the bathroom. Yeah, but how can, what are you supposed to buy out a place for an entire weekend? No, because like, and that's been sort of the difference. You can either do a place that just does weddings and they turn them over, and you're not special,

and you look up this wedding venue, and there's just hundreds and hundreds of people's wedding albums there. But they're like a well-oiled machine, and they have all the chairs, and they have all the tables, and they make their own cake on the site. Oh, great. Or you can be like, total DIY, I found this amazing property upstate and it's a barn, but there are horses in it usually.

And if I pay the farmer, he'll take them out and I can rent the tent and I can rent the lights. Can the farmer make a cake on site? So there's just like 10 different vendors that you have to pull together

yourselves to make it happen there. So there's pros and cons to everything. Yeah. What about a baller's person's house? I actually looked at, I did look into just like a dope ass Airbnb with a ton of property. Yeah. I wonder if anybody's ever Airbnb'd and thrown a wedding. People used to ask me if they could throw it at my Williams williamsburg loft roof because i had my uh old

apartment on airbnb and then they said i know you have a wedding on your roof yeah because at the white hotel which was right down the street it was i looked into this one too it's insanely expensive it's almost a hundred thousand dollars to throw your wedding there a hundred grand because it's like 50 just to rent the space and then you're not paying for any of the drink Because it's like 50 just to rent the space. And then you're not paying for any of the drinks. Then it's like, you know, $300 per person for food and drinks. It's insane. Wow. So they would email me and they'd be like, hey, would you let us have our ceremony on your roof?

You should have just charged them 50 grand. If I had any idea how much people were charging, I would have. But I was just like, no, I'd get in trouble. It's not worth the 90 bucks. Or how much would you pay me for access? Yeah. It should have just been like $25,000. And if I get in trouble, I'll pay off one of my neighbors. Oh my Lordy. Um, all right. Well, keep us posted every week for the rest of your life. Yeah. And then what do you get to do? You have to start planning the divorce and like, that's a much sadder thing because you have to like get a lawyer and all that shit. You't even say congratulations on the england oh yeah you're talking about

planning my divorce mazel whatever it does buy you a lot saying your fiance even if you're not engaged out there and you have a girlfriend yeah just start saying fiance like i we were on a flight that was getting rerouted and we had to like figure some shit out and i was and i was like yeah my fiance and I are trying to go. And they were like, they just made it happen. Like more gravitas than a wife and marriage? I guess, I bet probably wife and kid or something maybe gives you a little bit of gravitas. Or like infant does.

But like wife, no, you're like old news fiance like people people it like warms people's hearts because they they make it makes you them feel like young love all right well in fact it's like oh whatever wife is girlfriend be the youngest love love of all you would think so but girlfriend i at least i was reaching the point where it seemed like people were like upset that i had just had a girlfriend right like this is good this has gone on for too long. When are you going to make it real? Come on. You should really buy her a rock. You should really call yourself a fiance. Congratulations on getting fianced.

To my fianso. You and I are fiancés. That's a good name for a TV show. Fiancés? Yeah. We'll talk about it offline. Cool. Let's call this guy fiancé. Oh, actually, let's call him Guy Fiancés Yeah We'll talk about it offline Cool Let's call this guy fiancé Because he

Oh actually Let's call him guy fiancé Because he's got a question for us And he's a 22 year old Male college student He says he was recently diagnosed With a condition called Geographic tongue

It's a rare condition Characterized by It's a rare condition This day and age Yeah Characterized by deep grooves And f a rare condition this day and age. Characterized by deep grooves and fissures that slowly cover the tongue. There's no cure, and

it will continue shedding my tongue until it looks like a pile of ground beef. It's fucking gross. This condition isn't contagious, and apparently only about 2% of people develop it. It's also considered benign, so it won't cause any additional health

problems. But I've already become extremely self-conscious about my tongue's appearance, even though it doesn't look too bad yet. It became a constant weight on my mind. I want to know if you have any advice for myself or people in general who are dealing with health issues that they can't control. Or how do you guys personally cope with things that you are self-conscious about? Additionally, I've dated, I've been dating this incredible woman on and off for about two years now, and I'm completely in love with her. I haven't told her about my diagnosis yet, and I'm terrified that I'll lose her because of it. This may be irrational, but I can't seem to find the words to tell her.

Thank you both so much. From a day one love, Guy Fianso. All right. Guy Fianso is so afraid. This is funny because I read this. I recently found out myself. I always thought I had a fucked up tongue, but turns out I have a geographic tongue.

How did that come? You just found out that it was geographic? You just thought you had a weird tongue? Yeah, I just thought I had a weird tongue. I didn't know there was a name to it. I didn't know there was a diagnosis to it. I didn't know there was a diagnosis to it. But then I said that to you and you said, you had a geographic tongue.

Is that something you knew about your whole life? Yeah, I've known about my geographic tongue since like high school or something because my friends were like, your tongue's fucked up. Yeah, it just basically means you can Google image search, but it basically means there's cracks and crevices in the tongue. Sometimes little white rings or something.

I feel like my tongue changes all the time too. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I just don't look at it that often. Yeah. But sometimes it's like more geographic than others. But he's talking about it like it's a secret, this guy Fianso. And he's like, what do I tell her? How do I break the news? First of all, she probably knows what your tongue looks like if she's been with you for two years, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And secondly, what is there to tell? What is there to do? I don't understand. I don't know. Being self-conscious about your tongue. Like, if your life is so good that you only have to worry about your tongue, I think that's a good thing. Because that's, like, inside your mouth most of the time. Yeah.

And it doesn't, you can't even, it's never come up for me in the past. Never has anyone been freaked out, grossed out, or anythinged out by my tongue. It's happened to me once, but it's fine. What happened? Well, my friends in high school told me I had a gross tongue. Oh, yeah, but not like any lady sexual stuff. I think people, when people see a geographic tongue, like, they just want to know that it's not, it doesn't hurt, and it's not contagious. Oh.

So that's all that you really have to say. Like, yeah. Like, no, it's not it doesn't hurt and it's not contagious and so that's all that you really have to say like yeah like no it's not a disease it's uh it's like having connected earlobes or something yeah do you have those yeah oh oh oh yeah but i'll tell your fiance webbed feet clubfoot tail a cleft eyelid. Hooved everything. A hunchback. Nasal scoliosis. Remember that video? Periodontic rosacea.

We just combine different body parts with different diseases. Love that. I actually have a geographic asshole. So it's bumped and bruised. It's curved and creviced. How do you guys personally cope with things? So obviously, besides tongue, because this doesn't make me feel self-conscious, is there stuff that you or I are self-conscious about?

I mean, there are stuff, physical things that I think about. They're like the things I often say that there's, when you look at a photo of yourself, like someone takes a couple photo or a group photo, everyone looks at the photo and they all look, one, at themselves first, two, at like this certain thing that you hope doesn't show up. Yeah, yeah. So my thing sometimes is shininess on my face because I have like – when I'm indoors and I'm sweating, I get like a greasy, shiny forehead and cheeks and nose. So I look at a photo, boom, that's the thing that I'm most self-conscious about. Do you have anything like that? Yeah. Well, it's always shifted. When I was younger, it was – I thought my nose was too big because most of my friends were not Jewish and they didn't have – well, not that that means anything, but yeah, it does.

Most of my friends didn't have big noses, but mine was the biggest. Interesting. And now my nose – I either grew into it or I'm very used to it, so it feels – Yeah, now that your head is bigger, your nose feels fine. Feel fine. I'm not like really worried about my nose anymore. Then I thought I was like too chubby. Now I guess it's i mostly

look to see if my stomach looks fat right if you have like the what's it called the gut the gut a paunch right and then a lot of people like adjust like oh wait take it again i have to stand or look yeah or face yeah wait get on this side of me get on this side of me don't take it from that angle i'm not wearing this shirt ever again. I had a wedding picture once recently, and my shirt looked so baggy. Like my sleeve from wrist to shoulder looked like a really puffy, baggy shirt. But it was oddly a slim fit shirt. But for whatever reason, it looked like a puffy.

I just haven't told her about my diagnosis yet. This may be irrational, but I can't seem to find the words to tell her I don't think you have to like sit her down and say it It can come up in passing Like oh by the way Do you know what a geographic tongue is? Do you really think it's 2%? What are the odds that me and you both have it?

I don't know You should look that up But then I look at these photos of these smooth tongues And my god they seem so foreign to me. Yeah. I've never had a nice flat pink tongue. I would love that. That sounds awesome.

Yeah. I wonder if there's plastic surgery. And I wonder if people taste things differently. I always thought maybe because I have this rough, crackly, bumpy tongue that maybe I'm more like, that's why I don't like bitter foods like beer or oh but i like bitter foods i know and i don't like spicy food but you do i i i don't know but i guess i just think it made me better going down on people oh because it's like ribbed for your for their pleasure oh yeah not mine

uh i used to keep little things in the crevasses of it. So I'll put like a little folder in there. And then when people are like, oh, what's your name? Like, oh, let me give you my business card and I'll reach deep into my tongue's crevice. It looks like, you know, like the Star Wars, the Millennium Falcon, it goes into those like roads, the grooves.

So mine is that deep. It's probably eight, 10, 15 feet tall. That's insane. Yeah. And then you can actually like dig into it, go down into it. And I'll, yeah, like I said, store files. I parked my car there once. Wow.

On my tongue, yeah. You drove your car into your own mouth? I'm trying to see if this guy has any other questions. General health issues that they can't control. I feel like this guy's overreacting. Yeah. This isn't a health issue. I think it's fine.

Yeah. It's better than, I don't know, diarrhea. Diarrhea, diarrhea. Yeah, it's better than having diarrhea or unfixable. IBS or something. Yeah, unfixable body. Now we're just making other people feel bad. Right.

What are you insecure about? Yeah. Big nose, shiny forehead. Everyone out there is beautiful. Yeah, but also everyone out there has something. It's impossible to be perfect. Right, that's the great equalizer. We're all dealing with something.

But some people as not a big deal as geographic tongue. Some people have serious problems. Yeah, like this and this. God, can you imagine having this? How's your, speaking of body stuff, how's your working out with Billy? Still going. But Billy broke his foot playing basketball.

Oh, yeah, I saw that. So now I'm working out without him. I want to, I can't fully commit because I'm not 100% sure if I want to do it yet, but I think I want to try working out with you guys for the month of September. Oh, really? Because I've got new health goals now that I'm a fiancé. I want to be absolutely shredded, shredded for my wedding.

That means you have like a year. Yeah, exactly. I usually am like my fitness is on like a couple weeks to a month. Yeah. Like, oh, I'm trying to get in good shape for this vacation or this thing. But now I've got this, I've got a major life event. Long-term goal. And I want to be jacked, shredded.

Not even jacked. I want to be a lean 160. But it's, yeah, like for a wedding, you're not, you're wearing a suit. It almost hides everything. It doesn't matter what you look like. I think it's, for me, working out is almost always more about the way I feel than look. Right.

So like, you don't want to- So like if I'm buttoning up a tuxedo over a rippling eight pack, Right. I'm going to feel great. So you want, you need your bachelor party to happen now

because if it happens like as close as possible to the wedding, you're going to feel like garbage down USA. Oh man, we're going to start talking about bachelor, Jesus Christ. We should going to start talking about bachelor parties. Jesus Christ. We should invite all of our listeners.

That's a fun idea. We should at least invite them to tell me where I should have it. Crowdsource where I should have my bachelor party. Okay. Part two, this goes into my health and fitness regimen. You got me for my birthday a water pick. Yeah. So I want to get my teeth really fucking white and healthy and clean for my wedding too.

Okay. Just like, I'm basically setting up the rest of my, you know, the wedding is the rest of your life. Yeah. I'm going into it at like a 10 out of 10 and then I just slowly decline until I die. I want to decline and die at zero out of 10. I want to be out of shape, toothless, ruthless, and dumb. Right, exactly. All right.

I can't wait to see how that goes. Thanks to everybody that's written in. Thanks to those who submitted theme songs the last couple weeks. Keep them coming. The opening one is from Jacob Legrand. This closing one is from Pure Parade, which is a Swedish band, I believe. If you have a question, a theme song, or anything

in between, send them all over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. This closing theme song is a young Swedish band called Pure Parade, and they have an acoustic version of their song. Maybe they would do my wedding. Holy shit. Awesome. Their SoundCloud is soundcloud.com slash pureparade.

Thanks to Pure Parade. Thanks to Jacob Legrand. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to the fianco himself. Appreciate y'all. Thanks for the love and support. We'll be back next week. Toda! Goodbye. Every week I tune in for advice about this life

Every week I tune in, times when I don't know what's right Why will you show cause we're down Through the dark, to the light Head comes here to take you home By storm, so here we go Come on That was a HeadGum Podcast.