Segments - 29: Dick And Nipples

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to tell if somebody likes you, and how many sexual partners is too many. Also Tinder. This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace.com. Create a website, even an eCommerce store, in minutes! And use coupon code "Jake" for 10% off your order in October. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and we appreciate it and it's only because of squarespace.com now squarespace.com what do they do hell if i know well i'll tell you mr consumer uh Consumer. Okay. Squarespace. Good luck. I'm not even listening. I already got it. Oh, no, you don't. Squarespace lets you build websites extremely easily. They let you build blogs. They let you build portfolios.

And it's especially useful if you want to build an e-commerce site. Does that mean you can sell stuff, sir? Yes. You're hamming it up a little too much, but yes, sir. Tell me more, you magic man from the north. Let me just finish this presentation, sir. You're interrupting. Of course. Not of course, because you're still yelling. By golly, I can walk again.

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Squarespace allows you to do that. That sounds pretty good. But what does it do for me? Oh, my God. I hate you. You're the worst plant. You're not even sticking to the script. That sounds pretty good.

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Literally nothing. You can get 10% off your order if you use coupon code Jake. Squarespace also launched some cool stuff for musicians this month, too. So if you're a musician and you want a site for your band or your own solo act, you can do that as well. So please check out Squarespace.com and enjoy this episode. Thanks for listening, everyone. I really like this episode, actually. Things got real.

Things get really real. Things get really real, and get really real and we really, really feel that you'll appreciate it. Yep. Spoiler alert, we open up. All right.

Enjoy the show. When I find myself in times of trouble Amir and Jake make fun of me Listen to their podcast and seize the cheese. And in the time allotted, they will make me laugh until I pee.

You do you if I will, I do me. Seize the cheese. You or me. Why would be so lonely? If I were you show.com, check it. All right. Was he making fun of you at the end there? What do you mean making fun of me? I feel like you talk like that sometimes. Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. No, man. That was John Lennon. That's crazy. That was nuts, man. It was actually two guys named Max and Evan. Yeah, but John Lennon made that song.

He made the original, but that was like a parody. It's crazy. He's a Beatle, and he's a fan of the podcast. Holy shit, you're wrong in so many ways. You thought Let It Be's original lyrics were seize the cheese? I really think that John, I think that Paul, I think that Ringo, George, and the rest. Oh, no. I think they all like the podcast.

I hope this starts a floodgate of parody theme songs. That'd be cool. They're already like my new favorite, and I've only listened to one. I really like, I don't know, maybe it's because I grew up on Weird Al. That one really tickled my fancy. Yeah, you like Weird Al? Yeah. I didn't know that about you. Yeah, because I'm Jewish and nerdy and in between the ages of 20 and 60. Yeah, I could imagine you liking Weird Al. Oh, you didn't like Weird Al? I didn't. No. Yeah, I liked the original version of Gangsta's Paradise. I really did. I was cool cool i was coolio for halloween specifically

uh anyway this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake seize the cheese seize the cheese i mean he did it really well so why would you be why are you just trying to highlight how bad you are? There will be a you, do you seize the cheese? Remember the email we got last week? It was one of my favorite emails that we've ever gotten. It was some guy that's subject constructive criticism. Oh, yeah.

And the body said something to the effect of, you guys are great. Don't ever sing. It's not funny. It's just annoying. So in conclusion, when you sing, it's not funny, it's annoying, and nobody likes it. Now my fear that now we're talking about that email, people are just going to be like, actually, I agree with that. Because I can't handle that blow to my ego. You have to understand, every time I sing, I think I sound like an angel.

Yeah, and then everyone else thinks I sound like an angel, too. I'm just tone deaf, that's all. Well, we will actually, I think we're never going to sing again. Oh, whoa. Dude. Holy shit. Jesus. That was angelic.

You notice in the... You mean it? We did that same joke. Holy shit. Jesus. That was angelic. You notice in the... You mean it? We did that same joke. We're recording this after the live episode that we shot on Saturday at Comic-Con. When Pete started singing opera, we both said at the same time, Holy shit. Which is like a bit that we both do. So we both did it at the same time to Pete.

It was a beautiful... It was a it was a beautiful it was a proud moment it really was a beautiful beautiful it was humbling it was more than anything i hate that so much people say it was humbling you're god they must relish the chance to say it was humbling i really no one ever says that when they're not bragging right i think i am humbled i was humbled i really was i was humbled yeah you know what? Humble people never actually say that they're humbled. Yeah. You don't have to say you're humbled if you're humbled. I think I'm the most humble, actually.

Yeah. More than anything, I was humbled. Yeah. And I think I'm better than everyone because of this. And that's how humble I am. So the way this podcast works. Oh, have we not said that? No, we haven't yet.

Cool. People write in with problems, sticky situations, conundrums, and we do our best to help them out or at least publicly shame them into being a better person. Or just publicly shame them not into being a better person.

Or just to publicly shame them so we feel better about ourselves. Which I think is what happens 100% of the time. Yeah, it's more for entertainment value than for anything else, if you think about it. We really are humbled by the amount of emails that we've been getting, and I think having a podcast really keeps me humble. Yeah, it humbles me more than anything. So should we get to the first couple questions? Humble me for this bumblebee? I don't know.

You don't know, yeah. I do think I need to leave for the humble me bumblebee rhyme. I'm not going to call it a joke. Just because it rhymed doesn't make it poetry. It wasn't. I feel like I've been writing exclusively in rhymes for the last, at least a year. Yeah, because that's the way our videos are turning into slam poetry. There's something funny about rhyming.

I love rhymes. I just noticed two things. One, I usually organize the questions by what I think the best order that we should answer them. And I haven't done that yet. I did feel a little underprepared when we clicked on record. Yeah, I was surprised. So this one is this one is going to be a little more raw. And this is the latest we've ever done a podcast aside from the one that we did when we were getting drunk. Yeah, yeah, it's it's dark. It's dark out. Yeah, it's like eight or 9pm. Yeah, it's it's 8.30. It's 8.30 p.m. Yeah, I mean, it's crazy. It's like a candle-lit apartment now.

Amir is burning incense. He's lit some candles. He's more than shirtless. He's bottomless. He answered the door in a weird robe that was tied just so his dick and nipples were hanging out. It's like he tied it backwards. Jake started saying something. I put my index finger over his lips and led him to the microphone.

I said, don't say a word. Yeah, and then he locked the door behind me. I don't know what to do. Then I asked him if he liked the Beatles. Jake said no, and I started playing the theme song. His dick and nipples. Your dick and nipples are out. Seize the cheese, seize the cheese.

My dick, my nipples, my slick dimples. My pink pimples. It's not simples. No, it's difficult. Should we get started? For the love of God, please. We already have, right? Yeah, I think we answered a question. If anything, we should stop.

All right. First question comes from a lady. We'll call her Robin. Robin. This is a real email from a real person, but we changed their name to preserve their anonymity. Correct. Dear Jake and Amir,

I'll cut right to it. I'm a chick who really likes sex. It's not like I'm the town trollop who just sleeps with randos. I've always known guys pretty well for fairly long periods of time before sleeping with them. But after getting out there out of a three-year relationship and being a single lady again, now I'm worried about my number creeping up even higher. How many guys is too many guys to sleep with over a lifetime?

Do you ever ask a girl her number and how much does it really matter? Thanks, Robin. Ooh. Interesting question. A girl's number. A girl's number. So when you ask for a girl's number, that's like because you want to have a phone call with her later, right? Oh, that's funny.

You're at a bar. Hey, what's your number? 14. Okay. And I'd appreciate you didn't judge me on it, asswipe. Oh, no. I was asking for your phone number. Oh, well, I'm extension 14.

Actually, I know someone at Pac Bell. My phone number is 14. you know how emergencies are 9-1-1 yeah well i'm one for you imagine the the find of the century you really won the lottery with that chick well i think the find of the century would be finding a girl whose phone number is her sexual number that's that'd be cool. way way off you're so you're so uncool you're so uncool that you're apologizing to the nerds who might call you out for not getting that number right and you're so cool that you didn't think to call me out on i'm so cool that i didn't i stopped listening as soon as i knew you were gonna make a math joke well i have actually have a formula in my brain after reading that question do you want to try to address this question first the basic the gist

is she's afraid she slept with too many guys and that if a guy asked her how many guys she slept with at her number aka the amount of people that she slept with is too high do you ask girls for their uh number i personally do not so you don't care how many guys the girls slept with before you no not at all but i know like i think that there's i guess it's just different for different people like there are people that will ask and care. And then there are people that won't ask and care. And then there are people that, I mean, it's just, as long as you're cool with it, then it doesn't matter. Then you'll just find somebody that's cool with it.

Well, it's different depending on how old you are. So this is the formula I've come up with. Jake's already asleep. I am using the candles to burn down the apartment amir's robe is currently on fire his dick and his dick and nipples are just coated in grease they went right up like a woman burning her highly flammable bra my dick and nipples just eviscerated flaming dimples are oh it's gone i'm dickless nipples what's the formula all right formula how many girl how many guys would you say is a lot to

sleep within a year i would say 10 is pretty aggressive 10 is a lot in a year yeah for a person to sleep with 10 people in a year that That's a lot. I think that would be considered in the pretty high territory. Okay. I'm not saying anything. So you do the math at 10 a year. I would say on average, a girl becomes sexually active around age 18.

Oh my God. This really is like math class. I faded. I dipped out just there for a second Holy shit Get through to me, come on, I really want this to work Mr. Blumenfeld, don't give up on me I know I can get it, Mr. Blumenfeld

I know you just want to send me to detention Like all my other teachers No, I want to be in charge of you You're worth it Okay, so your age is x, variable x So x minus 18 Times 10 is what your number should be so let's say for example for example a woman is 25 right so she's been active sexually active for an average seven years times 10 70 that's a pretty high number but i would say in the uh

not too crazy zone wow so unless your number is higher than uh your age minus 18 times 10 you don't have anything to worry about and uh yeah so for example jake your number that you wouldn't have to worry about would be your age 28 28 minus 18 10 times 10 100 so like that's like a i'm being like very liberal too 100 so like that's like I'm being like very liberal too I think that's sleeping with 100 girls

for 10 years that's why I think your formula is off I feel like but doesn't 10 seem like not that much for a year I mean obviously

it is a lot like I I for one do not sleep with 10 people a year but 10 people a year doesn't seem like

that aggressive I guess if you're thinking of people being like sexually active and single from 18 to 25. Yeah, that's where you get tripped up. Because if you're in a relationship, that takes years off. I was out of the game for years at a time. I mean, I was still getting laid.

Yeah, no, you were still in the game. Not at the same rate. I had to slow down. Yeah, you were playing a different game. You're slowed down in a relationship rate still much higher than the average human. Do you care? If you were with a girl, would you say how many people have you slept with? I wouldn't ask, but if she said a number higher than 10 a year.

Should we say five a year? I don't know. I mean, I don't think I wouldn't. I won't get on board with this at all. I don't think it matters. Like, I've been asked my number. Yeah, but you've never asked somebody else's. Yeah, I wouldn't even ask it back.

I think it's just a bad idea to start talking about previous sexual partners. It doesn't even matter. If her number is high or low, it's just like, I don't want to think about people that she's slept with. Well, what's scarier to you, zero or 100? I guess I'd much rather sleep with a slut than a virgin. Interesting. I think I'd be the opposite.

You would want to take a girl's virginity right now? Right now, yeah. Oh, you mean after the podcast or why? Holy shit. I brought in this chick. I'm already dicked and nipped out. I mean, then it like means something. It's like you took someone's virginity.

You owe them. Yeah, zero is very, I guess my point is that I'd rather be with someone who hasn't been with many, many, many, many, many other people. I'd rather be with someone. Less is more for me. But it sounds like if she's this concerned, her number is not going to be impossibly high. Yeah, no. And I think the number or the subject line to this email is seven. So I don't even know.

Is that true? Yeah, I don't know if that's her number. Subject. Wow. Subject seven. Yeah. I think if it's in the single digits, you don't have to worry about it ever. And then in your lifetime, use my formula.

I remember being like in when I was like in high school when not a lot of people were even having sex yet oh yeah like a number like well that's what it is if you're 18 then your number should be zero i had a friend whose girlfriend had slept with 12 people and we were still in high school damn that's a lot at that time it was a lot but like and it mattered to him he's like do you know like i would have to fucking think about like i have to think about her fucking 12 dudes yeah not at once but like still at least six of them were probably at once because we've only you know been alive for 16 years uh but so yeah like it matters more when you're younger now i'm in my late 20s it's just like I don't even think about it at all. Anybody I meet, there's no chance of me being like, hey, are you like a virgin or anything? No, I just assume they've had many sexual partners. Right.

And it doesn't matter. So that's my answer. It doesn't matter. And my answer is X minus 18 times 10. It really is. This would also happen on a math test where Amir says X minus 18 times 10. And I say, who gives a fuck? And I would pass that and you would fail.

And it would also happen on a date where you would say, who gives a fuck? And you'd go home with a girl and I would be left with by myself doing calculations on the back of a napkin. What we're trying to say is I did better at school, but you did betterkin. So what we're trying to say is, I did better at school, but you did better at life. What we're trying to say is, yo, do you. Yeah. But don't do it too often. I mean, you really want to say-

Yo, do you, not them. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. Oh, my God. You're short-circuiting. Sorry. Yeah, that was a good answer yeah or a good x x minus 18 times seven that's the name of this episode nobody listens to it oh we should have called it dicks and nips we'll call it still call it whatever we want yeah yeah we'll call it dicks and nips. All right. All right. All right.

Next question. Next. This one comes from, we'll call him Ted. Ted. Hey, dudes. I recently downloaded Tinder, and I know you've answered a few questions about Tinder and have touched on the subject a fair bit. Someone wrote in and asked what he should say to a girl once he gets a match, and my question is similar. You gave him the advice, just a simple hi, then the girl's name. No cheesy pickup lines required, which

makes sense because it's already obvious she's into you, or at the very least finds you physically attractive. My problem is I received no reply after I messaged two girls that I matched with. First one, I just said hi in the girl's name. The second one I decided to say hi girl's name and then add me on Facebook if you want to chat and I gave her my full name. No reply from either of them. It's been weeks since the first one and a few days since the second. Should I be saying something different? Also my profile is just pictures, no about me part. Would it be wise to add to my profile to say a little bit more about myself? I just don't understand why girls would match and My man. My man.

Delete your Tinder, buddy. What? My man. You out the game, son. That's it? You blew it, dog. Everyone on Tinder is talking about you. Facebook shit.

You're the Facebook guy. Everyone knows you. You don't need creepy ass Facebook shit You're the Facebook guy Everyone knows you You don't need an about me You're the Facebook guy Hey girl's name Just being normal Here's my full name Add me on Facebook

And we will chat That's what the Tinder chat is It's a chat Why do you want to chat on Facebook? That's what the something's for What is that from? Oh that's Mad Men You never say thank you That's what the something's for What is that from? Oh, that's Mad Men You never say thank you

That's what the money's for Oh, yeah So that's what the Tinder chat is for Now, you're a good man You're an honest man You have no shame, clearly Because not only did you say to this girl Add me on Facebook and we'll chat

You wrote into the podcast And told us that you did that Like it wasn't weird. Well, that's why people are emailing us because they're in a sticky situation, a difficult place. They don't know what's weird. I do remember when I first downloaded Tinder. When I first downloaded Tinder, guys, I know it seems like— Imagine 2012.

Was it even 2012? No, no. Imagine January of 2013. I have— Obama was the president. It has not been that long, and I've already fucked double this girl's number just on Tinder alone. Okay? I double Robin's number.

All right. Sorry. No. Anyway. Anyway. That's not true. It's probably more. I just don't know math.

What I'm trying to say here. I mean, we'll figure it out. Is that Tinder was like, a lot of people are just still figuring out because it's a new app. And it's also online dating is like a new frontier for many people. When I first matched with someone, I really did not know what to say. And there was a girl in the picture was wearing a San Francisco baseball hat. And I messaged her and I wrote, oh, she was like, she was wearing like a 49ers hat and I wrote, go Niners. And then she wrote, are you from San Francisco? And then I just wrote, no. Will you hook up with me? I'm a Dodger fan. I did bend her over in the Levy's bathroom, but I'm kidding. That didn't happen. She didn't want it uh i begged her so what i'm what

i'm saying is that like you're learning there's a learning curve don't ask them to add you on facebook just write hey and their name they're not all gonna respond so why okay so here's a question as somebody who's not used tinder uh or somebody who's new to Tinder, why match and not chat? Which one is it? Why match and not chat? No, are you new to Tinder or have you not used Tinder? Me personally? Yeah. I tried it in Seattle.

My dude! Oh, God, I love hearing that. But I swiped it. So many girls know that I ended up not matching with anyone. You swiped all of Seattle to the left. It was definitely a learning curve. You saw the city of Seattle and you just went left. I erred on the side of caution, unlike this guy who took it a little bit too aggressively. So, what now?

You match with someone and they don't chat? Well, I think some people just like see your main picture and they're like, oh, that's kind of, yeah, this guy. And they yes you

and then if you match, they look at your other pictures and maybe it turns out you're not their type. Or they just don't feel, maybe they don't check their Tinder very often. Or maybe,

there's a million reasons. It's a really, I think that's why it's such a cool app is because it's so like playful and the stakes are so low, you can just match someone and never talk to them. So how many of your matches would you say you never speak to? 70% of them.

Wow, that's high. A lot. So you're like, I find this person attractive, they find me attractive, seven times out of 10, I'm not even gonna fucking start a conversation. Five times out of 10, I don't even start a conversation and then the other times like then two times i'll message someone and they don't respond to me if you guys can believe it out there can you imagine looking at a photo of me hearing hi girl's name please add me on facebook and then

being so creeped out my profile picture is uh amir's dick and nipples the robe tied open uh and then and then the other three times we start a conversation and then honestly like i feel like maybe one one out of every 10 i actually hang out with oh so i guess still but i'm 100 on getting laid with when i hang out i didn't when i meet up yeah it yeah, it happens. So don't worry about that, boss. Yeah, don't worry about that conversion rate. All right, that's the big one. That's the one that counts. That's the one that matters, yeah.

Anybody can match. Not anyone can snatch. Boss. How do you like that? This is you talking to a dinner date. Anyway, add me on Facebook. After we've slept together, she's just really, really regretting her decision. Gathering her stuff and leaving my apartment.

Where are you going? So basic advice here is that less is more. Don't take it off Tinder right away. And if you do, don't take it off Tinder onto Facebook. I think the goal is to eventually take it off Tinder onto onto text messages right yeah i would never take it onto facebook you move to text and also uh you're overthinking it i think it is like would it be wise to make an about me it's just like it doesn't really matter as long as your pictures are pretty good and you're funny when you start messaging and about me me is basically gonna, is a tiebreaker,

right? Yeah. So the picture is like, uh, but the about me can push you to the left or right. Definitely don't have like a genuine, I would agree with that. I would definitely not have like a genuine like, hey, my name's, what's this dude's name? Ted? Ted. Hey, my name is Ted.

I am six foot tall and I like soccer. Though that does make you sound hot. Maybe that's it. Fuck it. Actually, hold on. Six feet and loves soccer. Jesus Christ.

I'm going to make my about me. Hey, my name is Ted. I'm six foot tall and I love soccer. And then underneath it, it says your name and your age. My name is Ted. You can call me Jake and I love soccer. And then underneath it, it says your name and your age. My name's Ted. You can call me Jake and I love soccer. Yeah, my advice is to chill, be cool,

don't take it to Facebook. You got this. You my dude. And relax. Relax a little. I think I should go back to Seattle. Maybe some girls have added themselves since I i've been gone i would love i think you should download tinder here in new york i'm kind of afraid to why i don't know i don't know what it is i think i'm afraid that i'll see

someone i know or something i see people i know all the time. I know. And they see you too, and they know you see them. So you're like, it's like a, first of all, there's nothing shameful about it, okay? Right. But for some reason in my brain, it's like, I would be embarrassed if someone screen capped my Tinder profile picture and put it on our subreddit. That's it. profile picture and put it on our subreddit and that fear is not worth meeting my potential soulmate i guess wow would you be embarrassed if that happened no i mean i talk about tinder so openly there's like nothing at this point tinder wise that could embarrass me yeah i don't know actually there was one time where like i was at a bar and somebody, I like lost

a bet and the bet, the stakes were like we had to trade phones and he could send a message from Tinder. Yeah. As me. And he did. He sent it to this, oh my God, this is the most embarrassing thing in the world. So he sent a message, which was like totally not even that funny he just wrote like wanna bang question mark to a tinder match and then she responded does amir have tinder too and then i then like i wrote back something really

lame and then i wrote back again to her later i was like hey i'm sorry and i explained what had happened and she never responded to that so that the whole message got screen capped i'd feel pretty that i would feel embarrassed about but most of the time my tinder matches are i don't know whatever yeah but would you be if you're on a date like would do you would you keep tinder as a main icon on your home screen or do you hide it in the back pages it's on the second screen i don't want it on the front. See, why? That's the feeling I feel times 100.

I don't know, but it's like a sense of camaraderie. I was on a plane once, and we landed, and everyone's turning on their phones. The girl two rows in front of me turned on her phone and went right on to Tinder. I was like, all right somebody that i can relate to this person i feel like the girl that i would like is a girl who is using tinder reluctantly there are plenty of girls on there that are using is there a reluctant tinder app i should say that i'm not in a relationship anymore a lot of people probably think i'm a huge creep right now holy shit jake Jake is evil. Yeah, wow.

Jake really rubbed off on Amir. He went to Seattle and tried to cheat on his girlfriend. No, it's fine. She doesn't listen to this podcast. Hey, if you're listening, don't tell her. Swipe right. The thing is, Amir swiped right everyone in Seattle, and he just didn't get a match. So now he's protected himself saying he swiped no.

Nary a single match. No, yeah. Single Amir on Tinder. That's your goal. That is, I mean, that's my dream is to get you to download Tinder tonight after we stop the podcast. For some reason, when we were on a road trip, I was like, oh, it'd be fun to try it in a new city. But I don't know about doing it in a place where I currently live. Yeah, there is something about being in a city that's like,

it's not about dating, it's about having an adventure, meeting a local who can show you around and have a party for the night. And New York, since we live here, it's like, I'm lonely and I want to meet someone. Do you want to go on a pizza date with me? I think even more shameful than saying I'm lonely is saying I'm lonely. Yeah. And I want to meet someone. Or even more shameful. Do you want to go on a pizza date with me? I think even more shameful than saying I'm lonely is saying I'm horny, which is what Tinder actually is. When you say I'm lonely on Tinder, that's what it means. There's no emotional loneliness.

It's you making a Facebook status update that says I'm horny tonight. That's exactly why I don't want to do it. Right. It's letting everyone know that you're horny. It's an emotion you don't want to do it right it's letting everyone know that you're horny it's an emotion you don't want people to know you have is anyone else also horny uh this girl's horny but not attractive to me this girl's also horny oh this girl's attractive and horny oh she doesn't think i'm attractive or horny all right let's keep playing oh we got a match we both think we're hot and horny. I'm not gonna message her. Five times out of ten, the hot and horny match doesn't matter.

Horny's the saddest word in the world. I really am horny. Hey, Seattle, I'm feeling horny. Not for you, not for you, not for you, not for you. Uh-oh, no one in Seattle's feeling horny for me either. That's the about me. Is anyone in Seattle horny tonight? My name's Amir, I'm 30, I'm feelingattle horny tonight my name is amir i'm 30 i'm feeling

pretty horny i'm in seattle for a good 12 hours and uh yeah let me know if you're horny too i am i am dtf and i don't want to become a cuckold on this on this a on this app right here so lmk if you are 22 to 29 and horny as i am i am down to be horny with you is anyone horny in a 50 mile radius a fucking 100 mile radius that's how horny i am holy shit i imagine someone from portland she's a porny horny for this bjornie gornie i don't even know what i'm saying i I'm so embarrassed. Oh, God. You're spitting water.

I should not have sipped water while you were saying it. You're a horny Bjornie. Hey, the name's Bjornie. I'm pretty horny. And let me know if you are, too. This was corny. Let me know if you're down to be horny with me ah does that count as the break tinder no it doesn't actually because i had there are we taught is it break time yeah it's

like past break time man then i would really like to talk about our experience in uh new haven this weekend at yale oh yeah after comic-con we went to y Yale and did a show there. We did a show at Yale Hillel House. That was my wheel Hillel House. I mean, we were in our element. Yeah. Just a room full of Jews. I never felt more. I'm like the opposite of Hitler.

I just only feel comfortable in a room full of Jews. If we see yarmulkes, we know. Those are my people. Yep. Yeah. And New Haven, Yale is in New Haven, my hometown. My city, my city. I actually live like two minutes from Yale.

So it was really nice to be back there and we wanted to kind of go out and rage, I'd say. Yeah. And would you say that you accomplished that goal? I was definitely along for the ride. I think, oh, I guess I got wasted. But the funniest story happened to you. Which was? You, when we got, I think we were walking, we were walking down Elm Street and we got, it really was a nightmare. It was a nightmare of the street. We got tapped on the shoulder and somebody was like, yo, I know Micah. Oh, yeah, your brother.

Yeah, we met somebody that went to school with my brother and he invited us up into his dorm to smoke weed. Right. So I lived vicariously through the experiences that I never had in college, which was smoking marijuana with college kids, which I didn't do. Yeah, which I never did when I was in a dorm. I mean, I smoked weed with you three times, I think, in my whole life. Right. Four times, maybe. Yeah, my weed number is very low, too.

Yeah. It's definitely lower than 30 minus 18 times 10. So these Yale dorms are like Harry Potter-esque. Yeah, they're like gothic mansions. Right. And we were up there. You're lying on a lofted dorm bed with a pumpkin beer maybe

and a joint in your hand. Oh, God. And then there's just a room full of kids who are taking pictures of you. I thought joining Tinder would be embarrassing, but this story is so much more shameful. Oh, yeah, you don't like it. It was so funny that you were like, you guys have to understand, this is like cool for you. This is exciting.

This is like the highlight of college so far. For me, this is rock bottom. I'm sitting in a dorm room on a bed with a beer. This is the lowest I've ever felt. Oh, man. And there's some girl. Everybody else is laughing. And some girl's like, God, that was dark.

Pitch black, baby. Welcome to my brain. Tell you what. Hop onto this single twin bed with me with the twin long sheets no you're old enough to be my fucking dad yeah go to hell i felt i did feel it was fun to just do that for a night but i did feel very out of place i remember they invited us to a party and i went to the bathroom with you uh and i was like should we go i? I don't know. I feel weird. I feel old. They're like, you're like, no, you're trying to hype me up. And then you're like, the saddest part about going to the party is the fact that I have to hype you up in their bathroom

to hang out with them. Like I was, I regressed back to my freshman year itself. I'm like, should I go to this party? I don't know. I feel weird and uncomfortable, but for a completely different reason. Oh man. I barely even remember that remember that i think i do now we went into the bathroom i think i said that then i was like this is gonna be like the best night of their lives yeah oh man it really was the best night of my life and one of the weirdest nights of mine i think yeah by the end i got kicked out of the kicked out of the frat we were partying this is fucking cool for you guys right college humor jake and amir like yo man it's 5 a.m we got fucking finals this finals

fuck finals this is the best night of your life right this is like yale we work here all right hey i'd be down to crash for the weekend if you guys want to like dude you're like 45 years old 28 let's play creeping us out if i paid for the pizza for a week, would you let me stay? Would you let me be your pizza bitch for a week? Let me ask the guys, man. Before I go downstairs. Dude, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm going to pass out under this couch. Hey, man. They're cool with it. They want like $500 a week for pizza. Shit, is it really that much? I'll have to ask my daddy. You should go. All right, Yale Qs. cool with it they want like five hundred dollars a week for shit is it really that much uh i'll have to ask my daddy you should go uh yeah kids here's what you gotta know my dad pays for

everything you know what i'm saying so uh so that's food that's food that's gas that's rent cell phone my dad pays for that shit so i'm gonna hit him up he's doing me he's doing me i love my dad your daddy pays for everything my daddy pays for me i don't have a good job and i don't make enough money so my daddy pays for my rent yay thanks dad sad guy who lives off his father but really appreciates it. Totally open. I go on dates with girls and I have to use his credit card. My daddy gave me a credit card

and I use it to pay for dinner and drink through my friends. And my friends hang out with me because I pay for everything. And I pay for everything because of my dad. Thanks, dad. Oh, man.

Mercy. Mercy. Man alive. Mercy. It's so weird being on the other side of these stories. I don't know how you do it, man. I'm ashamed. I feel naked of myself.

It's so funny. I really had to co-send out of you. I feel like you you just didn't even want to say it at certain points no i didn't want to talk about that there's no need we're gonna but we're gonna bring that we're gonna bring that out of you new single amir as if i just broke up three minutes ago or something yeah you're this apartment is just in disarray shambles i came over half your shit's gone All the podcast stuff is set up

And I'm like is everything alright Yeah let's just record Christ Did you drink all those bottles of wine A lot of them were already empty When I bought them But yeah the rosé I went through last night The rosé the prosecco and the Riesling

All this afternoon. The sweet ones, yeah. I had a sweet tooth, I think, tonight. There's motorcycle tread marks on the carpet. Don't ask about that. Christ. Christ. Christ, I'm horny.

Do you know how to download Tinder? Because my iPhone's been acting a real fool. My daddy got me the new 5S. Thanks, dad. I love my new phone. My daddy got me the first generation, the second generation, the third, the fourth, and now the fifth. Thanks, dad. Oh, God.

Here's an interesting part of this podcast. Well, one, the fact that we're talking about me way too much. Way too much for my liking. And if you guys also think so, please let us know at ifirewshow at gmail.com. Oh, we forgot to mention the email. Is that what it is? You guys can email your own sticky,

difficult, conundrumical situations and we'll do our best to, you know, advise you to get the hell out of there. Yeah. We'll definitely come up with some kind of mathematical formula to save your goddamn life. We know it. And we usually get through more questions than this. Yeah, we're only at two.

We've only done two. And I think we're basically out of time. So, yeah. Really? Good night, everyone. We've only done two and that's it? No, we have time for one more. All right.

Well, if anything goes wrong, my dad will fix it. Yeah. My dad Good night, everyone. We've only done two and that's it? No, we have time for one more. All right. Well, if anything goes wrong, my dad will fix it. Yeah. My dad fixes everything for me. Yeah, I know. But I don't know if he can get through four questions. I mean, like, we just, we don't want to get. One time I was on spring break in Mexico and I accidentally killed someone. I was in a Mexican prison and my dad came down and bailed me out.

He bribed the officials. Yeah. He gave them my mom for an hour. I think she baked them brownies or something because they were very happy and relaxed afterwards thanks dad oh gosh gosh gosh what's the uh i'm trying to think i'm looking i'm scanning for the best last third question that we can answer all right let's go for another girl all right and now let me just look at the name of a character from uh uh what's that show that we're referencing i don't

know robin and ted uh from uh how i met your mother oh all right lily lily writes hey guys so i've had a huge crush on this guy for the past two years. We have the same sense of humor, music taste, and style, and everyone says we're the same person, but different genders. He's a really nice guy who's kind to everyone, so I'm not sure if he likes me or if he's just being nice. Recently, I heard my good friend saying that he was flirting with her and sending her winky faces. Should I give up on this guy and move on? Are there any signs that might help me discover how he feels? Thanks, and keep up the good work.

Love, Robin. No? Lily. Lily. Shit, that's too bad. He sent your friend a winky face, huh? Yeah, he's probably in love with her. I guess that's all she wrote on that.

Yeah, I mean, two years of a relationship is kind of fun and flirty, but a winky, ugh! An emoticon or the emoji, you know? You know you know it doesn't specify but i want to say a worst case scenario it's the emoji i really think it might be the emoji and uh hey r.i.p your relationship friendship uh or romantic it's just uh out the window with that one it's over babe so how can a girl tell if a guy likes her or if he's just been flirting with her for the past two years yeah i guess one i've read a cosmo recently and it's like a couple ways to know when the guy's into you yeah way way number one ma'am way number one is if he flirts with you for two years okay there's no way number two and there's no way number two did he flirt he flirted with you for

two years no one's so nice that they'll just like well she didn't say flirt she just said that they have the same sense of humor music taste and everyone says they're the same person he's a nice guy but he's nice to everyone so it wasn't necessarily flirting it was just a two-year friendship fine why don't you send him a winky face? Oh, flip the script. This is so like, I'm not giving real advice at all. I'm like reverting to my child. Like, cause this is so childish. I'm just like giving like advice.

Like I would be giving an eighth grade. But this is what you do too. Yeah, I guess. If you are. How do I tell if a girl likes me? Yeah. How do you tell if a girl likes me yeah how do you tell if a girl likes you um man if she i just assume that everyone does do you just have a do you have a do you have like a

sick uh wait do you want to retract that as sarcasm or is that real i was when i said i assume that everyone does sarcasm uh i hope it's good i think uh in our age our late 20s slash early 30s you just have this uh sixth sense about it you're like oh i could i can't really put my finger on it but it seems like this person likes me yeah it's weird you just can tell right but early on in life you don't know what's going on i guess that's true although it's also tougher when you've been friends with someone because there's often like, I feel like I am in the same circles with a lot of people and like,

I'm not talking to somebody. And then like all of a sudden I'll like get a text or a Facebook message from someone who's like, you know, in my periphery, but like normally wouldn't open up a dialogue. Yeah. I'm like,

Oh, I think that means something. Right. But it'd be weird to take it from like, if I'm friends with someone, to like send some kind of signal of like, I like you. And that is the kind of thing that you get caught up in in high school because... Do you think there's any truth to the idea that guys are only friends with girls that they would hook up with? I guess I would have sex with literally everyone I'm friends with. There's no girl that you're friends with that you wouldn't sleep with.

No, there's no exception. No exception. No. And I'm talking about my friends, loved ones, spouses, girlfriends. No exception. Can I say what you told me at that diner once? What did I say? That.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't. Well, it was close to that. It was basically like, there's no girl that if she said they had a crush on you, that you wouldn't at least be flirtatiously intrigued. See, but now you have to, because this is, I was joking just now, and now it seems like I really did say that. We'll try to say it like I said it at the diner, without outing the

specific people i was talking about you said there's no girl that you'd know of regardless of how they're attached to you or how you know them that if they dragged you into a closet when you were drunk and said have sex with me that you would say no to right there's no girl in the world that could do that i really you know what i want to just take all this back this never happened we never i never went to a diner with you sir this is this is hearsay order order i just think that like i also know that I would never put myself in that situation, to be pulled into a closet drunk by somebody like that. I say, okay. I think it is, like, I have a willpower problem. Yeah.

You know, I do, so. I mean, I'm on the opposite spectrum of that. I'm very cautious. I do have friends that I consider, like, relatives. but at even if me the extreme let's say this guy was the extreme version which is me uh if a lady friend of mine said that she had a crush on me i would at the very least entertain the idea the notion of possibly uh doing something romantic with them even if they were with somebody that you loved oh no no i'm talking about a single friend oh wow yeah so you're like your craziest notion is like if a friend of yours said i like single yeah you would be like i wonder yeah it would be

like i would have like already yeah exactly the thing is we didn't even realize it when we started this podcast we are two polar opposite uh like we are how do i say this without sounding like a math nerd but there's the norm and then there's standard deviations from the norm and 95 of the population exists within two standard deviations and i'm extremely to one side even past that and you're extreme to the other side so i guess it makes a good for a good podcast yeah we're both we really did not know that until we started right but we're both sociopaths in completely different ways. Interesting. You're acidic and I'm basic.

Love it. Thank you. I really do appreciate you saying that. The standard deviation shit, that really was nice. I really appreciate it. Frankly, if you put your dick and nipples away, I really would. It is more than about that time. So our advice to you is uh go for it yeah

i mean just start flirting with them send them some winky faces yeah just it's always fun to have someone in your life whose like name excites you when you get an email or a text message yeah like when your phone vibrates you're like oh i really hope it's that name and then seeing that name that name is very exciting now you know now you know the joy of it, right? Well, I always knew the joy of it. But now you're back. It's so, I live text to text. I really do. Right.

Did you ever get that flip phone? You know what? It's, I think I'm gonna do it. Yeah? I just, I'm gonna wait. I'm just not ever gonna do it. No, I wanna wait till we go to LA. I'm just gonna move to LA.

Yeah, yeah, push it, push it. Here's the thing. Here's a good compromise. I'll download and use Tinder when you get a flip phone. Absolutely not. That is more than unfair. It's highway robbery. You're fleecing me. You can't make things fair and

equal. I get my way. You're giving me pennies on the dollar. My dad taught me that I get my way. My daddy me pennies on the dollar my dad taught me that i get my way my daddy's gonna get me the new iphone he'll probably make one that flips i'll get two iphones so lily make turn this guy into a name that excites you turn him into a person who you can't wait to see how he reacts to your flirtatious email and it's always fun to fire that first bullet like whoa i just there's like that status quo flirtatiousness and then there's like different levels and like when you kick it up a notch and you put your phone away i call it swinging the bat yeah every text is a

pitch yeah and it's just like do i want and like oh man i'll drop the text it's like oh man that's pretty that's pretty ballsy thing to say that's pretty forward but it's like you know what i'm just gonna swing at the pitch what's the the worst that can happen? Oh, man. So, please, swing away. Fire away, fire away. I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. I agree that this one was bad. Sure, but that does not take away a lot of the ones earlier.

The other ones were gold. More than gold. Okay, now we are definitely. I was feeling like gold. Slick, ripped than gold. Okay. Now we are definitely like gold. It's really, really late. This is way past my bedtime. Uh, let's go eat dinner and watch football. That sounds good. Let's download Tinder for you too. Not New York, not New York. Uh, I wanted to say once again, thanks to Max and Evan for the opening theme song, one of my favorites. And the closing one comes from a guy named Sam. You can send your own theme song submissions to ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com. That's the email for anything. If you have a guest

idea, if you have constructive criticism that says that we're annoying when we sing or ideas or tips about the show, please email us in. Email us in. Email us in. You dick. And thanks to the last five people who gave us good reviews on iTunes or just any review on iTunes. It doesn't have to be good. Yes, it does. Okay, it has to be good. Grendelward.

Grendelward. What? Sorenklimak. Zeeshan Casey. John O'Neill. Matthew W. Valach. Grendelward Soren Klimak Zeeshan Kazi John O'Neill Matthew W. Valach Wow, I didn't realize how difficult those were to pronounce It sounds like you made them up It sounds like you're having a stroke

Matthew Valach Matthew Valach Alright So if you guys do want to give us nice positive, or any reviews on iTunes, we'd appreciate it. We'll give you guys shout-outs as often as we do these episodes. Anything else we wanted to add? Show at Littlefield.

Oh, yeah. We got a live show at Littlefield, a live podcast. The first live podcast was so fun. We're excited to do another one. We also have a live tour coming up. Correct. And you can go to collegehumor.com slash tour, can't you? I don't know if it's that.

I think jakenamir.com is a good place to see because we posted about it there. All right, jakenamir.com. But we're going all over the East Coast, Boston, Vermont, D.C., and Philadelphia. And we're going to the Midwest, Minnesota, and Milwaukee. Not Milwaukee. We're going to Ann Arbor, Chicago, Madison, and Minneapolis. So it'll be cool to see you guys there. Yeah, that's it.

Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Enjoy the rest. What am I saying? Enjoy the show. Enjoy the show. Listen to it again. It's better the second time, I assure you. Hey, if I were you, I would tell you that I would do that to you today.

And it's all right.