Segments - 29: The Rankers

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

In this episode Amir tries to pick out a fake poem, a fake J&A quote, and then rank a whole lotta things.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second, another podcast. Second, each app different from the last. Second, it's the Swiss Army knife of shows.

Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Yeah, buddy. Yes, dude. How are you feeling? A little stressed because we had a lot of issues with recording. Yeah. The Zoom was making a buzzing noise, and I tried every single variable to solve it and I literally couldn't.

And then I left the room and it was fine. So the final variable, the room itself was the issue. Were you in the Wi-Fi corridor? The one room in New York City where it's a hub of every different signal. All of the signals come. Yeah. Ghostbusters style. Right. Yeah, exactly.

When you go in there, it's actually like. The fulcrum. It's Chernobyl. You're actually aging. I was melting. I can't tell why. So, yeah, I kind of left. You know, like when you're trying to figure something out and everything falls by the wayside so i was so singularly focused on this

zoom yeah that there's like open battery packs different xlr cables two microphones two zooms sd cards and a trial and error of sorts so now i'm i'm in the studio with my phone on a bucket on a c-stand sitting down and i it's somewhere along the way I've lost my coffee, which is definitely top of mind. It was actually the coffee that was creating the buzz. That's why you're not hearing it. Yeah, it could have been. Well, it wasn't consumed.

So I wish you weren't hearing it because I drank the coffee, but it's only because, yeah, I left it in a different room. This is actually the perfect energy for not only segments, our advice podcast, which is not really an advice podcast anymore, but also our favorite segment of segments, poetry or noetry. Yes, that's right. Actually, I need to calm down. I need to center myself. Yes. And the only thing that can do that for me is the written word.

Right. They are poems themselves, folks. I've found two wonderful poems. Yep. And I wrote a third piece of shit poem that actually sucks ass unless you like it. Then it's a great poem, and I tried really hard. And if you didn't like it, then I farted it out in no time. And the goal of the game is for me to not know which poem is real and which one is yours.

Yes. These are two poems by poets and one poem by this jackass. And is this your fourth attempt or third attempt i believe this is number four uh because on on the third attempt i did get you with a poem titled february i believe yeah that sounds familiar february stumped you yeah um and and you and i got you twice and you fooled me on the uh on the third attempt with your poems ends well yet which is a great poem

Haun walked so that ends well yet could what's it called trot hopscotch across chop top towers yes that's right Haun has grown on me I'll say

okay so I am going to read you Yes, that's right. Haun has grown on me, I'll say. Okay, so I am going to read you these three poems. What order do you want me to go in? Do you want me to give you my poem first? Let's do your poem middle. Okay, all right, perfect. And remember, you guys could totally play along at home. Yes, and you should.

Okay. The first poem is called This Room. Yours. Next. Really? Because is called This Room. Yours. Next. Really? Because I've been so room focused. Okay, This Room. This Room.

The room I entered was a dream of this room. Surely all those feet on the sofa were mine. The oval portrait of a dog was me at an early age. Something shimmers. Something is hushed up. We had macaroni for lunch every day. You love macaroni. You love macaroni.

We had macaroni for lunch every day, except Sunday when a small quail was induced to be served to us. Why do I tell you these things? You are not even here. I really think that one's yours, but I want to hear the other two. Okay, that poem was called This Room. Okay. This poem is called Poem to be Read at 3 a.m. Yeah.

Accepting the diner on the outskirts, the town of ladora at 3 a.m was dark but for my headlights and up in one second story room a single light where someone was sick or perhaps reading as i drove past at 70 not thinking this poem is for whoever had the light on. Also, could be yours. That's the joy of the game. You love fucking America pastoral. I see a gas station in the distance. I'm in a car. Diner, road trip. It's a diner, yeah.

Gas station at Gloaming. That is my shit. Okay. Poem number three. What he saw. Zhang He saw the world this is a haun parody how dare you use this against me me. Zhang He. Yes. Zhang He played four square on the recess blacktop. Handball, clip clap,

bing, bang, bong, boom. Right. What he saw. Zhang He saw the world turn the ashes to crown jewels. He brought back ivory, sandalwood, and half his men. 600 years later, beside the same ocean, clouds gathering like 300 ships at full sail coming home. The gem of your eye catches mine, that piratical gleam, a double-edged smile. Like Zhang He, you believe this world is yours, and so am i i wish one popped out at me more they're all pretty equally you don't want to say good you're okay you're just gonna say they're poems they're all poems

but like when you when i read some you're like that one moved me. None of these like moved me. They all seem like kind of like a house on Mango Street style. If you remember that, I was just like, this is a story about a guy or girl doing a thing or two. I think they're all incredibly moving. But yes, I'm at least glad that you're confused because you're not stirred to emotion by any of them. But honestly, the first one, and this is what got me last time. I'm like, this one's yours. This one's yours. And at the last second, I changed my fucking mind.

And it was the one that I thought was yours the whole time. Which speaks to me like that is the first one that you read called the room this room actually this room okay read that one again and i'll tell you why that one's yours the room i entered was a dream of this room surely all those feet on the sofa were mine the oval portrait of a dog was me at an early age something shimmers something is hushed up we had macaroni for lunch every day except sunday when a small quail when a small quail was induced to be served to us why do i tell you used to be served that's not a fucking sentence a small let me finish the poem was induced let me finish the served okay why do i tell you these things you are not even here okay so the only thing that's

making me not think it's that one is that one is so you that like you found it and you're like oh amir will think it's that one because i talk about so you that like you found it and you're like oh amir will think it's that one because i talk about macaroni and i talk about a room and i talk about fucking an oval picture of a dog that reminds me of me yes which is similarly to the zhang he one which is kind of a fucking wink and a nod i guess guess you found an Asian American's name and you thought this would be funny to sort of muddy the water. Or it's a reverse reversal in which you actually did write a Ha-Oon poem just to fool me. Because if I didn't guess it and it isn't, then I've been fooled by my own Ha-Oon. Then I've been tricked by my own game.

So are you going to rule out poem to be read at 3 a.m.? Which is the second one, which is another one that reminded me of yours because it's like the diner and the light and the fucking this and that and the other. Okay, read that second one. Let's see if I can eliminate it. Poem to be read at 3 a.m. Accepting the diner on the outskirts, the town of Ladora at 3 a.m. was dark but for my headlights. And up in one second story room, a single light where someone was sick or perhaps reading as I drove past at 70, not thinking. This poem is for whoever had the light on.

Yeah. There's two ways to eliminate. It's like poems that have a line or a word where like, oh, you would never use that word. And then there's one that's like, oh, that was definitely you because you did use that word. So none of these have things where I'm like, that's not a word you would know.

The induce the quail thing. He's coming back to me. We have macaroni every day except for sundays where we induced a quail or a quail was induced to be served to us okay let me eliminate one okay if i may be so bold i will say zhang he is a real poem it's a real false it is a real poem. It's a real poem. True or false? It's a real poem. Okay.

What he saw. Was a real poem. Is written by. It's a real poem written by me. Yeah. You wrote Zhang He? Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

And just so you know, it wasn't a Ha-Oon ripoff. It absolutely was. It was an Asian name. An Asian name. He's a Chinese explorer from 1400. Zhang He? Yes, because I'll tell you the whole entire story of Zhang He. I've been Ha-Ooned.

You've been Ha-Ooned. Well, you didn't get Ha-Ooned because I got Ha-ooned and you didn't get Zhang He. I thought you were trying to do a double reverse where it's like, I'm going to give him a real poem named Zhang He. That was an added benefit to my real poem. I was like, he's going to get tripped up by the Asian name of it all. Yeah. But the impetus was that I, the line came to me, and I believe the line in my head at first was Magellan saw the world, because I wanted to write something about like, you know, the world as an explorer saw it. So then I just searched explorers, and sure enough.

Ha Moon is one of them. Zhang He saw the world. All right. So now let's hear it. 15 famous. Zhang He saw the world. All right, so now let's hear it. Famous explorers who changed the world. They are Marco Polo, Zhang He, Henry the Navigator, Christopher Columbus, Vasco da Gama. These are all people you learned about in school. Except for Zhang. And doesn't that say it all?

It really does. Unbelievable. I thought I'd be able to eliminate one and we could flip a coin. I was leaning towards the first one anyway. You were. That's a poem by John Ashbery. Well, let me, I'll find, I'll read it to you, but I want to go through it line by line because I actually, I'll say that I'm massively proud of Zhang Yi.

Like I tried really hard with this poem way harder than i have with any other poems before well it shows because i i i was so certain that that was a real one yeah what he saw zhang he saw the world turned the ashes to crown jewels. He brought back ivory, sandalwood, and half his men. 600 years later, beside the same ocean, clouds gathering like 300 ships at full sail coming home. The gem of your eye catches mine, that piratical gleam, a double-edged smile. Like Zheng He, you believe this world is yours, and so am I. It's beautiful. What is it about Zhang He that's just the perfect poem?

First, tell me what you loved about it. Because you thought, like, what made you think, that's it. That's the real poem. That's a real poem from a real poet. Honestly, all I remember is hearing Zhang He. And I'm like, I'm out on that one. That's not the case. Yeah.

Now that I hear it again, I guess I get that crown jewels and then the gem, a.k.a. Gemma of your eyes. So I'm like, OK, that should have been a dead giveaway. Almost changed that to Pearl. But then I was like, why don't I leave it in? Because he might hear and think that I wouldn't use such a clue to tip him off. Exactly. Which is what I thought about Zheng He, a.k.a. Haun, a.k.a. Crown Jewel. I a clue to tip him off. Exactly, which is what I thought about Zhang He,

a.k.a. Ha-un, a.k.a. Crown Jewel. I'd love to go over some of the earlier iterations. And you also love nautical themes. You love boats and shit. That's right. And let's talk about what he saw. It sounds like I'm talking about what a man saw. He saw.

What he saw. But it's actually Zhang He or Zhang He. What Zhang He saw. What Zhanghang he he saw the world and then also i say he brought back ivory sandalwood like he brought it back but also he you know very interesting yeah i didn't think about it is kind of interesting and then i didn't say the clouds excuse me clouds gathering like 300 ships at full sail coming home. You really picture that coming in. You love fucking the Navy theme. I also did a little, excuse me, I did a little research on Zhang He.

And ivory and sandalwood and shit like that. So I searched what did he bring back. I actually did look up what he brought back. And then I also searched how many ships he brought. So 300 ships at full sail coming home. the clouds gathering as you're standing there but like you're watching he's armada coming home i mean that's just gorgeous and then the gleam in someone's eye a piratical smile double-edged smile like a double-edged sword while he is a pirate or at least that type of explorer i mean there's just something so so lovely excuse me about the way these i just looked it up john ashbury wrote

all three of these shanghai yeah he wrote shanghai in college honestly ashbury fucking wishes. Ashbery wishes he could write what he saw. I mean, this poem, it merges two worlds. The grand historical past that's just got this incredible scope that we couldn't even understand. With the same type of, like, the depth of a love that you might have for somebody. I think that's, I just think that's so fucking moving. Don't you? I'm just trying to analyze. I'm just analyzing this poem in like the most non-biased way. I know that I wrote it. So it's, it's typical for me. You do know that you wrote it. And did you, how did you find the other two? And did you find two that you thought

sounded like something you would have written? Poem to be read at 3 a.m. is in Garrison Keillor's book of good poems. And it's always been a poem that I really liked. And I actually didn't even consider it because the way I had it in my memory, it was much, much shorter. But then I pulled it up this morning. I was like, because I was looking for a third poem. And I saw that it was a similar length to uh zhang he so i was like you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna use this um and i knew that you might think it was me because it has all this like it almost feels like other poems i've written really pull from this

yeah absolutely inspired by this one um and this room yeah i i just found that this morning i was like i think i searched like some of the best short form contemporary poems um and a quail was induced for it or i was this one just had it all i really liked it but i was also like okay we've got a dog portrait we have macaroni we have a small quail being induced and like also labor the last line is it's so i feel like this is my style where i'm trying to do something like with a turn on the last line yeah but the footsteps were always there yeah so i thought you might think it was me but i really i felt pretty confident confident just in that I worked so hard on what he saw. Like, I tweaked that all week.

Did you read it to Jill? Yes, I did. And she actually helped me with it. Because originally it was. That's cheating. He brought back ivory silk in Half His Men. But I think Sandalwood really fits better. I also had. Oh oh 600 years later i think i originally had 600 years later we stand beside the same ocean or we stand in front of the

same ocean and i was like we gotta lose we stand so now it's it's much cleaner 600 years later beside the same ocean you almost aren't like it's not as jarring I haven't said anything in five minutes that's jarring lose the we stand just beside it was also originally the jewel

of your eye catches mine but I had already yeah I put crown jewel which that line I was surprised it made it all the way through because it meant nothing like it turned the ashes to crown jewels i don't know what that is it just kind of rolled off my tongue when i said zhang he saw the world um and then i i felt compelled to keep it um but yeah no i i agree i think it's a really it's a great poem i had a good time writing it

and like you said i think it's one of the better ones or if not the best you've mentioned uh that we have done on the program and imagine zhang he and haun in class together that's i think you're being racist and saying Zhang He goes by Zach now. They're different. They're really different poems. They're very different poems. Ha-un and Zhang He. They're incredibly different poems.

There's a similarity. It's a really glaring similarity. Actually, let me write a poem for next week. I have an idea. I'm going to find three poems that start with three asian names i think i won by coming up with just a fucking badass awesome poem and you're pissed at me yeah i i at least wanted to eliminate the real one and then get it down to a fun coin

toss the fact that i eliminated yours right off the bat. Yeah. Which I think I might have done with all ends well yet, right? I think you thought, or you did the reverse. You guessed mine first, and then you got it down to two, and then you guessed again incorrectly. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Interesting. All right.

Good game. Do you want to hear one of the other poems that I almost read? That you wrote? No, that I almost... Have you ever heard the Ada Limon poem? No, of course not. I've heard of four poems. Okay.

Well, this one I almost read. It's just a really great poem. Ada Limon's a great poet. It's called How to Triumph Like a Girl. I like the lady horses best, how they make it all look easy, like running 40 miles per hour is as fun as taking a nap or grass.

I like their lady horse swagger after winning. Ears up, girls. Ears up. But mainly, let's be honest, I like that they're ladies. As if this big, dangerous animal is also a part of me. That somewhere inside the delicate skin of my body, there pumps an eight-pound female horse

heart. giant with power heavy with blood don't you believe it don't you want to lift my shirt and see the huge beating genius machine that thinks no it knows it's going to come in first that would have been a great one for me to guess is yours yeah i thought you'd write because you're like you wouldn't you wouldn't write something like this and present it. But I just love that poem. Such a pro-female poem that you cranked out.

Yeah, you'd have to guess, you would have to guess it was me. That was what I was banking on. That would have been good. And there's just one last poetry-related thing because I wanted to read Ada Limon's The Raincoat, but I cry so hard every time I read it that I was like – and then this morning I was like, I'll test it. I'll see if I'm still crying.

And I read it, and I not only – I choked back tears, not eyes welling up. I was like, oh, my God. Oh. What's it about? I can't even. I can't even say the subject. Well, I could say what it's about, but I feel like it would

ruin it. Everyone just has to read it. It's about motherhood, I guess. Or parents. Man, it's so damn good. Okay, alright. We'll leave people with homework yeah go to go read that poem and cry your eyes out thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right, we're back what was it about the devil is a lie you misinformed me you misled me you led me astray you lied to me just wrote a great poem. I just wrote an all-timer. Wow. But we really should move on.

You're right. I didn't say that. You're right. Let's just leave perfect as it lay. As all ends well yet. Okay, this is a game you invented. Yeah, maybe. I pulled it from something that...

Oh, it's like a board game called Priorities, I think. But we kind of simplified it. We basically made a list of random things. This is a game called Rank'Em. Rank'Em. Rank'Em. Nouns, people, places, things, ideas. And I made a list of five. Yeah. I'm going to give them to Amir, and you are going to rank them in order of the things you prefer the most to the things you prefer the least. Okay. These things are ghee, Paris, untoasted Pop-Tarts, going to the dentist, and Ted Lasso. Okay. These are a few of my favorite gee.

Let's see. When the gee, Paris. When the Pop-Tarts. Was that inspired by the new Pop-Tart movie that's coming out, or it's unrelated to that? I did not know there was a Pop-Tart movie coming out. Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld wrote and directed a movie about the guy who invented Pop-Tarts. Oh, all right. That sounds a lot. I thought it was like a Pac-Man type movie where it's just like, oh, every single brand gets a gets a movie starring pop tarts it's more like the blackberry style air style it's like a movie about the creation of something in our lifetime yeah yeah yeah air closer to air than uh barbie yes exactly um okay uh so again it's ghee which is some sort of butter situation i'm not really

sure it's like clarified butter whatever that yeah. Paris, which is an awesome city. There's Pop-Tarts. Untoasted, not great. I used to eat Pop-Tarts growing up, but I used to toaster oven them. Right, you have to. Going to the dentist. They're still pretty good. Yeah, going to the dentist, which is bad, but ultimately good because it's like, you know, you suffer through it, but then you feel good after. That's right.

And Ted Lasso, which I actually, people love, but I don't really like it. Yeah. Okay, so you're tipping your hand a little bit there actually, people love, but I don't really like it. Yeah. Okay. So you're tipping your hand a little bit there. A little bit. But you've already ranked which order you think I'm going to put them in. Oh, no. I'm just assigning you the things.

Okay. So you're not, have you guessed the order? No, not yet. Or you're not doing that? Not until you lock it in, then I'll tell you what my guess, my yes are. So write your answers separately so I don't see them. And I'm going to guess the order. I'll put it in the i'll tell you what my guess my yes are so write write your answers separately so i don't see them and i'm going to guess i'll put it in the zoom chat um but don't send it until you're ready or until i guess are any of these specifically calling out to you as great or awful

um i mean i know what i know what i would rank them yeah this is kind of difficult because yeah there's so many permutations. Right. And you have a different relationship to all of these. Like for me, I don't care about ghee, but Jill cooks all of Gemma's food with ghee. So like,

is it a little more important? I mean, do you know what it means? Like the clarified butter or not really? Yeah. It's less processed. Yeah. Is it less processed? Yeah. Is it clear? Is it liquid? Is it like, it's like white. It's almost

like a white cream. Yeah, I don't know. I just know that Jemma's not allowed to have butter, and it's all done with ghee. Oh, so maybe ghee is not butter, but a butter substitute. Or maybe it's like something, yeah, maybe. Who fucking knows? Or it's like something. Yeah, maybe.

Who fucking knows? Or it's like butter without the bad stuff. Right. Marjorie. Great name, though. Ghee. Ghee. Okay.

I have locked in my order of best to worst between Paris, Pop-Tarts, Dentist, Lasso, and Ghee. Okay. Let's see if you got it. Paris, Pop-Tarts, Dentist, Lasso, and Guy. Let's see if you got it. I feel like practically you're just going to say Paris is number one because it's an awesome city. There's no downside to Paris. Yeah, and it's just the idea of a whole entire city not being as good as Pop-Tarts. It doesn't feel right it doesn't feel true i think personally i'd probably go pop-tarts over paris just because i got food poisoning last time i went to paris and i yeah it's got like it doesn't it doesn't um there there's not quite that

like it doesn't spark joy nostalgic paris in me because i every time i think about it now i'm like oh yeah i puked so much when i was there but that's me you don't have that experience and i think if i didn't have that experience paris would be above pop chart so i'm gonna go paris i also know that you like going to the dentist i do you yeah i think you enjoy it because like you're you you get off to that shit i remember you like you being proud of like how deep your pockets were um when they do the test oh yeah my gums yeah so i know that you enjoy going to the dentist but i don't necessarily know that you enjoy it more than pop tarts i think ted lasso is going to be last even though you don't even know

what gee is even though you are the one that added ghee to the random things list that we used. It is random to me. So I'm going to go Paris Pop-Tarts Dentist Ghee Lasso. Wow. You're really close.

Really? Do you want to do one? In a wordle, you're green, some yellows, and then greens again. Oh, interesting. So I guess going to the dentist is number two. Paris dentist, Pop-Tarts, ghee lasso. That's correct.

Paris, number one, great city. Dentist, too, because you feel healthy when you leave. Afterwards, yeah. Pop-tarts are fine, but that's where it is, right in the middle. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just a nice tart. Ghee is fourth because I'm not really sure what it is. And Lasso, Lasto, because I don't love Lasso. Yeah, because you know what it is and dislike it. Yeah, which puts it above or below ghee for sure, which I'm only vaguely familiar with.

Right. Okay, cool. Do you want to give me five? Okay, that was pretty close. Okay, I'm going to choose five from this list, right? Yeah, yep. And these are words that both of us have come up with. Right.

Random, random ass things. A random ass thing generator. I feel like we tried to use AI at first, and then we said, you know what? Ours will be better. Right. The AI doesn't know to have it be slightly funny. Yeah. This is a real random ass list.

Nothing's funnier than Paris. Paris and Guy is hilarious. Okay. Are you ready for your five? Yeah. Plane Wi-Fi. Beer. The Ace of Spades.

Ace of Spades. Eating ass. Yeah. And lastly, coffins oh okay i'll put it in the chat so you can see it thank you all right um these all have sort of pros and cons to them for sure plain wi-fi is awesome but at the same time it's kind of unreliable and slow it's frustrating yeah it's like i almost wish it wasn't there because like i spent half the flight fucking connecting disconnecting reconnecting and trying to get on but then when it works it's beautiful because you're just sort of you can check out the score of a game while you're flying

otherwise it's like i have 15 hours and i wonder what happened i'll find out when i land like that yeah that used to be the reality as early as like 10 years ago yeah i kind of and well i don't want to tip anything so i'll just i'm not going to respond but what do you think is the is the pro of coffins uh it just it helps uh it makes it easier to bury the dead. Otherwise, it's just loose bodies in the ground, which probably is fine, but ultimately not great for you. That's true. It's respectable. Otherwise, it's just like, let's have a funeral.

There's my great uncle's body, just fucking loose, loose body. Ace of Spades is fun to see, but at the end end of the day it's just a card like who cares it's just a card yeah beer is nice for some people i don't like beer obviously i would have beer last eating ass eating ass is fun it's fun to say not for me but i understand much like beer Like you might like it more than I do. Right. It's for some. Yes.

Um, I wouldn't want to live in a world without it. My choices are locked. My choices are absolutely locked. Okay. Uh, so you do like beer, I think.

So I almost want to put beer first. Um, it's either beer or eating ass fuck it I'll put eating ass first beer second plain wifi is good enough to be third ace of spades

fourth because it's like a fun card and coffins probably last because you're like what's the joy of this and it kind of reminds me of mortality dead last literally dead Probably last because you're like, what's the joy of this? And it kind of reminds me of mortality, which I don't really like. Yeah, dead last, right? Yeah, dead. Literally dead.

Okay, so ass, beer, Wi-Fi, car, ace of spades, and then coffins last. Green, green, yellow, yellow, yellow. Interesting. So I nailed eating ass first and beer second. That's correct. And those ones I didn't even struggle with. That was the correct order. I don't really love beer these days, but I like still drinking a non-alcoholic IPA.

You appreciate it. And I appreciate the moment, cracking a beer with somebody, bringing people together. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. So the last three. So the last three. So you might be a plain Wi-Fi hater.

You might be one of those guys like, no, I want to disconnect. I want to read. I want to watch a fucking movie. Like, plain Wi-Fi is so annoying. Why is it so slow? Like, that's you. Yeah. I'd rather just sit on the plane and eat ass.

Why can't I have a beer and an ass? Am I allowed to have two servings of nuts? On my face. Let's go Ace of Spades III, Coffin's Fourth, and Plane Wi-Fi. Even though it's a great invention invention it doesn't work that great but ultimately you hate it the most i guess green green green brother i do hate playing wi-fi i knew it so that's the order you have yes eating ass first number one second number two ace of spades i don't really yeah i, it's fine.

I mean, there's nothing to it. It's the key of cards. It's the pop-tarts of having things. It's better than Coffins, really. Yeah, because it's fun. Yeah, but Plane Wi-Fi I think is, yeah. What don't you like about Plane Wi-Fi? Just the fact that it's unreliable?

Yeah, I don't like that it really, the plane used to be, I really am a boomer, but the plane used to be a time where you would like go and you like disconnect. And it's not even about like, I would be fine to not disconnect on the plane if the plane Wi-Fi were just like, you're on, you're still connected, everything is the same. It's like driving. Yeah. But like it becomes, flying becomes so dominated by is the Wi-Fi on or off. Yeah. And it like you do something in like three hours that should take you 15 to 20 minutes.

And it's like that wasn't the purpose of my time. Do you ever eschew the Wi-Fi? You say, no, thank you. I'm not giving Boingo my hotspot cash. Or are you like always like I'm going to give in. I might as well buy it for the whole flight. I think I'm a member of uh of the wi-fi thing on because of my delta status i get the boingo wi-fi yeah they don't delta

doesn't use boingo anymore it's it does it does its own thing proprietary wi-fi yeah so i think it's still not very good right but i just get it so like there's no reason for me to not log on but i do hate that i do so i guess that would be a reason not to it's more of a self-loathing thing right yeah yeah yeah and coffins you know necessary necessary and uh the coffins actually were a nantucket family that built a lot of houses there so there's a lot of like coffin houses on that. Oh, a coffin is a person's name? Yeah. Yeah, the coffins.

Wow. It's a very cool last name. Coffin. That's right. It's like Kleenex. It's a brand name. Technically, it's called a death box. Yeah.

Yeah. Not all coffins are coffins. That's right. That's right. They're very litigious. Some of them are just non-proprietary death boxes. We actually can't say coffin without getting sued. We'll get a cease and desist on this episode.

Okay. I think we did pretty good for ourselves. Yeah, not bad. Not bad at all. We know each other well. Thank you. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. All right, we're back. Let's keep the quiz nature of this episode going. That is correct. So for this segment, I've gotten a couple of Jake and Amir quotes, and I've also written a couple that sound like Jake and Amir quotes, but they are not. So it's sort of like the poetry or noetry of Jake and Amir quotes. Yeah, exactly. So I'm going to read a quote to you. You'll tell me, you don't have to tell me which video it's from, but you say that's a Jake and Amir quote or that is not. Okay.

Okay. I think I'll do, I think I'll get these six for six, but let's see. Okay. None do respect, dude. Fuck your childhood dog. Okay. This is more important. That's a real one.

None do respect. Yeah. And can you finish the quote? I can't. I don't remember. It was like, you're sort of upset about a child, a dog passing away, and I don't give a shit. But I don't remember specifically what episode. No.

Actually, this line is from me, I say to you. None do respect, dude. Fuck your childhood dog, okay? This is more important. you know game of thorns this is game of thongs yeah yeah that's right okay okay uh the next quote jury duty you get jury duty for that uh i think that's true as well that does sound familiar uh i feel like i've said lawsuit that's a lawsuit but i've never said Well, that does sound familiar. I'll know when I think about it. I feel like I've said lawsuit.

That's a lawsuit, but I've never said jury duty specifically. I'll go, no. No, that's not a line. Good thing you changed it. That is not a line. I just made it up. That's good. Okay. Two for two.

This apple has fallen very far from the seed. Fake. That's true. That is fake. That one's a real line? No, no, no. Sorry, that's fake. Fake is correct.

You're correct. I'm the 69%. I'm the 69%. Also does not sound familiar. I think I'll say that's also a false fake line that you just made. That is from Jake and Amir Bus. Oh, wow. So that is a real one.

I got one wrong. Yes, that's correct. I say I'm the 69th percent. Yeah. So it's from Bus. You say, how's your summer been? And I say, fine. And then you say, fine.

I knew you'd give a freaking one word answer and I knew you'd say fine. And to prove it, I wrote it down on a piece of paper before I left my apartment this morning. Exhibit A. You hand me a piece of paper and I say, this says urinals are for peepee, toilets are for doo-doo. And then you say say other side then. And I say it's a bunch of drafts of one liners. The last one being I'm the 69%.

That's a really good joke. I'm glad we thought of it then. I'm the 69%. Pretty good. Okay. This, the next quote, this team is doing fine. You know who could use a head coach? My ex-girlfriend.

No, that's not real. That's not true. That is real. What? That is from Jake and Amir's Sunday Football. So I'm telling that to Kelly Hudson or something? Yeah. Well, the bit is that

nobody's laughing at your jokes and you think that it's because you're delivering them, not me. And then you hand me a piece of paper and I read it out loud. I'm constantly handing you papers. I think that's why it's throwing me. These are all written jokes

that I have a character for me. Yeah, you didn't speak them. All right, next quote. And time. Congrats, grad. It only took you two and a half weeks to notice my makeover. That also feels fake.

I mean, and time is for sure real, but I don't think two and a half weeks to notice my makeover is real. That's correct. That's a fake quote. Oh, thank God. I was falling right there. All right, two more.

Okay. Nobody thought to land on the moon, and then one night we were just there. That's true. That's like business ideas or something like that. Yes. I think it's from, oh, it's from game ideas. You're trying to come up with the next tiny one. Nobody thought to land on the moon.

And then we were there, like, what are you talking about? Of course it was thought. All right, last one. You have a boo-boo? Well, I have a boo-bee. As in boo, now you're afraid of bees. Wow. Fake. Correct. That is fake. wow fake

correct that is fake I don't like how easy it is for you to come up with them I guess because you came up with the original so if anything this is your time to shine right yeah jury duty and and time it's just like you can you can just

shut your eyes and think of something dumb that you would say. Right. The real question is, will it ring a bell at all? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was actually, it was hard to find one, because there's so many that are like burned into my brain. I was trying to find some that were like single liners, but that I didn't remember offhand. Right. And you don't want it to just be like.

Everything about this sentence is true. Except for the last part. Yeah exactly. I'm the 69% was a great one. Yeah I did not remember. Yeah. Alright well we'll play again. Yeah I think I want to come up with the quotes next.

Hell yeah. And for more of us reminiscing about Jake and Amir. Check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We're watching full episodes. We're doing rewatches. Exactly. And actually,

we've done several hundred at this point, so there's a nice big back catalog for you to burn through. Now's the time. And I feel like we have done Bus,

which is weird because I usually would be able to figure that one out. Yeah. Oh my God, there's some really, really problematic jokes in,

in all of these. But definitely the bus that fortune cookie, there's a great, great line that I wanted to use, but I was like, well, he'll know. Cause it's so problematic that I wouldn't like just say it.

It had to have been something we said 10 years ago. Otherwise, what's the point of saying it now? Yeah. And we'll, of course, be back with another one of these segments podcast next week. That's right. Thank you for listening and thank you for watching. You can see these on YouTube and we'll be back next week, everybody.

Peace. Bye for now. That was a Hiddem original.