Segments - 290: Worst Best Man

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

In this episode we discuss boots, best friends, and birth control. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, show, show, show At gmail.com, com, com Yeah, if I were you, yeah, to tell the truth If I were either one of you two dirty Jews

I'd grab a noose, find a Starbucks Or to talk on events, you snooze Fall off, I'll fall off like a career's dead When I got fired from a siege, quote-unquote quit Yeah, that's the right time to advise a bitch Kick him in Raven's nest, quote-unquote bitch Here's one for the pitch Yeah, my fingers will never linger As long as there's a woman out there with similar features See you next time. cross to go out though for real though i'm sad i'm the game boy but it's you who's getting played a keyword search for me is poor diva roach face oh shit there's only one result i'm the game boy and it reads fucking sellout getting nature box crumbs on his me on d's getting itunes

ready filling head gum teas for the first to charge to read his podcast with his quality degrees will be charged we should do some arts and crafts together through failed comedians make a podcast people need advice they can just ask and we can use that helpful question to wipe my fucking ass. You know, I've given more advice in a one minute diss track than these two guys have given in the whole podcast career. Time to catch up. It's If I Were You. Whoa. Was that nasty to us?

Is it still a diss track if I liked it? Is it still a diss track if he raps so fast I can't understand it? Yeah. I bet that's the problem with Eminem, if he's dissing people and he's going so fast. It's like, whoa, slow down, you're too good. Yeah, you don't understand. I just said something really, really mean and clever. I didn't catch it.

I heard you rhyme something with my name, and that's pretty neat, Em. Damn, Marshall. I didn't know you knew me. Why does this guy have such post-nasal drip? I have a pretty bad cold, Marshall. Goddamn, Emadab, you really fucking railed into me.

Oh, shit, man. What do you have against me? I'm just a freaking accountant. But fuck, I appreciate it. I'm just a sick accountant, man. Game respects game, man. You're the GOAT. I love you, Marshall. No, he's a surfer.

If you want to plug something for me, you can check out my slightly inactive sketch comedy YouTube channel, F Plus Cinema. There you have it. Boom. It's funny, F Plus. Can you get an F Plus? You never heard about an F+, or a D+. Well, you hear, I've gotten D+.

What's a D+, like a 68? It's a high D. Like a 68%? Yeah, you bitch. How are you, Matt? Because that was a lot of my grades, they were D+. D+, because you get a D-? Yeah, 62.

At that point, just give me an F. A D minus. Well, no, because a D is still a passing grade. You could still... At my school, C minus and above was passing. D was not. Really? Yeah.

D was like F's ugly cousin. Well, I think in my school, if you got enough Ds, it wasn't passing. But you could skate by with a D or two. You know what happened once at my high school? Let me know if this ever happened to you. There was this huge biology project. We had to do this 70-page report, and it took all semester. It's just

a lot of research, a lot of this, a lot of that. Charts, graphs, everything. At the end of the semester, you hand in this 70-page report. My friend procrastinated so much that he straight up didn't do it. That's insane. Did you ever procrastinate so much that he straight up didn't do it. That's insane. Did you ever procrastinate so much and just not do something? No, not of that magnitude. Yeah. He must have got an F. He must have at least gotten a D minus. Yeah. I remember

doing the opposite of like no homework, but I did the big paper and that like evened it out. Oh, like I know this is worth 70% of my grade so I won't do anything else yeah I think I always got the big assignments done it was the

tiny little ones along the way that's beautiful sure alright well thank you to Jordan Holmes is who it is

Jordan Holmes gracias brother wrote that diss track he's in Vancouver so maybe we'll go visit him soon as part of our crisscross Canada trip

yeah this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This is a Labor Day episode.

A Labor of Love Day episode. Very nice. Monday, September 4th, 2017. What are your Labor Day plans? I'm going to go to Santa Barbara. Boring. Fuck you. I'm going to go to Santa Barbara. Boring. Fuck you. I'm going to Tijuana.

Me too. Or I'm going to frigging Shanghai. I was kidding. How's that for boring? You piece of shit. Santa Barbara was fine. It was nice. That's a really cool place to be.

Really? Yeah, I was just joking about it. Because I could also go to Tokyo. No, you don't have to do anything. I was even maybe going to go to Mumbai. If that piques your interest. It's Saturday. Is that one interesting?

Yeah, I mean, they're all interesting. How about Nova friggin' Scotia? That one's a little less so. Really? Damn, Marshall. How'd you know about where I grew up and shit? The private school shit was on point. Can I get a Kleenex, man, by the way?

That was fucking sick, dude. I need a fucking Sudafed, bro. How did you know I went to private school? He's like a CEO's son, and the CEO paid Eminem $11 million to write a diss track. Well, he just paid him to write the track. And then Eminem was like, such a shady dick. Oh, that's good. He just wrote a diss track.

He's like, give me the $11 million. Yeah, I tore your son a new one. Did you ever see The Defiant Ones on HBO? The four-part documentary on Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre? No, I'm still trying to get through this season of Ballers. Yeah, I would stop Ballers and start The Defiant. Well, I am caught up now. Yeah, but one, it's great.

And two, there's a lot of stuff about Eminem's first time meeting Dr. Dre and video of them. Dr. Dre is like, hey, Marshall, see if you can rap over this. And I was like, da-na, da-na-na, da-na-na-na. And then it's Eminem just being like, hi, my name is, basically coming up with it on the spot. That's crazy. Yeah, and that was, like, his first huge hit.

And it was basically him, like, hearing it for the first time and freestyling. That's why it, like, doesn't really, like, make a lot of sense. Wow. Do you like violence? He freestyled that? Yeah. That's insane. All right, so these are questions that you found, correct?

Me if I'm wrong. Yeah. Questions. These are Jake-approved questions that I've never heard before. Wow-wow. So here we go. Let's call this first guy Dre. There is a celebrity that I would like to talk to and befriend.

They currently don't have the username they want on Instagram. I talked to the dude who owns it and they want $3,000 for it. I can make the money shooting weddings as a photographer. How do you book your first wedding as a photographer? The idea being I get the username, DM them, and then we talk because they would never answer me otherwise. Is this an okay thing to do? Celebs are just people. Love, Dre. Do you understand what he's thinking? So he wants to, there's a celebrity, let's call her like Natasha Bedingfield.

Wow. And he's like, oh, that girl doesn't own her name on Instagram. Right. She wants it. She has expressed to somebody, like, I wish I had Natasha Bedingfield. Wow. And he's like, oh, that girl doesn't own her name on Instagram. Right. She wants it. She has expressed to somebody, like, I wish I had Natasha Bedingfield instead of Natasha Bedingfield 1. Right. So then this guy DMs Natasha Bedingfield on Instagram, and it's some dude who wants $3,000

for it. Yeah. So he thinks he can make that money shooting weddings as a photographer. So he's a photographer. He's like, I'll shoot a couple weddings. I'll get the 3K. I'll buy the Instagram name from this dude and I'll gift it to the celebrity who will have to at the very least thank me for it and ideally maybe befriend me or take me out to dinner. The question is, how do you book your first wedding as a photographer?

Well, I think a larger question is, do you feel like this is an actual way in? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think it would work. You think they would become friends? Mm-mm-mm. I think it would, at the very least, the celebrity would talk to you. It would owe you something. What if they're getting so many DMs?

Yeah, the hard part would be reaching that person to begin with, but if you can actually convince them that you now own, maybe if they get the username and then DM them from that username like, hey, it's me, I'm at Natasha Benningfield. I'll fucking give you the name.

Name a price. A cup of coffee. I think that's, like, you're not, I don't think you're going to be friends with the celebrity. Yeah, but don't you think the celebrity will at the very least talk to, he said he would like to talk to and befriend.

I think this would get him to talk to you. Right. Maybe talk to. Yeah. Depending on the size of the celebrity. Like, maybe Natasha Benningfield, whose name I know, but I don't know who she is. Right. I guess that's possible. Yeah. It probably depends on the size of the celebrity. Like maybe Natasha Benningfield, whose name I know, but I don't know who she is. Right.

I guess that's possible. Yeah. It probably depends on the size. But if it's like a Taylor Swift, you're not reaching T-Swift. Yeah. She has a team that's going to pay the 3K. Yeah. Right.

It's true. The celebrity won't even pay $3,000 for their name. I definitely am very curious to know who the celeb is. We'll find out. Have you started looking into wedding photographers? Do you understand how this whole world works, or are you not there yet? Vaguely. First, you have to get the venue.

Yeah. As far as I know, wedding planning is about the big things first, and then you get smaller and smaller and smaller. Right, because right now you have the whole entire world, or in my case, the Northeast. Yeah. Right, because right now you have the whole entire world, or in my case, the Northeast. And then once you have the location, everything else falls into place. The date. Yeah, the date, because they have certain dates available.

Then you've got the date and the location, and then you find out, oh, these vendors work at this location, or these people are close to New York. Right. So you can work with those. Then you start choosing the vendor. Then you start work with those. Then you start choosing the vendor. Then you start choosing the food. Then you start choosing the hashtag. Then you start choosing the hats. Then you start choosing the milk and cookies they give out at 1 a.m.

and everyone says, these are pretty cute, man. Where'd you fucking get that almond milk, dude? I'm doing like frigging. Dude, you've got to try these fucking snickerdoodles, dude. I swear, Marshall, you're going to fucking these fucking snickerdoodles, dude. I swear, Marshall, you're going to fucking go ham on these. No way, Marshall.

Have you ever had a crumpet before, dude? I went to England last week with my dad. Whoa, Marshall, you bumped into me, man. You're fucking macing me, dude.

Dude, Eminem, you should get little fucking Eminems with your name on it. I have an idea, man. Do you still live in Detroit? Does he? You think he does?

Check this one out. Because I'm just Marshall Bathurst. Just a regular guy. Doesn't give a fuck about me. I could do backup, Slim. I feel like I'm a fucking stand to you. So you don't know how much wedding photographers go for or how they get started? No, we're getting different quotes.

So far it's like maybe 2,000 to 8,000 or something like that. Yeah, but I bet it's about starting small. You do stuff for free, then you get a portfolio, then you start charging more, and then you start charging more and more, depending on how good you are. It's funny, he's like, I need advice on talking to this celebrity, but he also wants advice on starting a small business.

Yeah. I don't think that it's necessarily going to pan out like you befriending a celeb, but maybe you could be a successful wedding photographer, and that'd be fine. 3K a wedding. That's a pretty solid weekly gig. If you can get it. Is this celeb married? Maybe you could shoot their wedding someday.

Holy shit. Full circle. Alright, let's call this guy Eminem. Marshall. Marshall writes, I've been dating my girlfriend for eight months. Our relationship has been amazing, and it goes without saying that she is an absolute smoke show. However, there is one thing. My

girlfriend has an IUD, which for those of you who don't know is a form of birth control that is over 99.9% effective. Because of this, my girlfriend lets me go to town raw. However, she still makes me pull out, despite the fact that there's no difference in the chance of her getting pregnant if I were to just bust inside her. The times she let me she freaks out and is convinced she is pregnant even after getting her period numerous times which doesn't make sense at all my question is how do I convince my girlfriend to let me shower the inside of her ham wallet more often alternatively am I being too casual about this whole thing? Really wouldn't want to have to shell out the dough for an abortion. Thanks, Marshall.

Thoughts? I was on the guy's side until he said, shower the inside of her ham wallet more often. Then he made it so I couldn't root for him anymore. There was a more polite way to write this question that would make me a little bit more sympathetic. Right. But it seems like he's just a crass dude who doesn't deserve to shower the inside of any ham wallet for now. I think he made an off-color joke at the end, but he lost me before that. I feel like I understand the desire to ejaculate in someone because nothing in the world feels better than that.

But at the same time, it's 100% her call. Yeah, but why do you think she has the IUD to begin with? Because she's clearly worried about pregnancy. So she's like, we need that 99.9%. And then also, in addition to that, maybe a condom, maybe a pullout, maybe a whatever. I guess like IUD combined with pulling out,

as long as he pulls out accurately, is more effective, right? You're a math person. If it's 99.9% effective in an IUD, and 98% effective when you pull out. Right. Then it's like 1 in 1,000 times 2 in 1,000, which is like 2 in 100,000. There you go.

Yeah. I don't think you can convince someone to shower the inside of her ham wallet more often. Especially not like that. Alternatively, am I being too casual about this whole thing? Is he being cash or is he being business casual about it? I feel like he's wearing jeans instead of dockers for sure. Oh, so he's a little bit too cash about this whole thing. But at the same time, some people are casual about this kind of thing.

Have you been casual about it? I try to stay safe, but I haven't had too many, or I haven't had any, like, legit pregnancy scares. Right. Like, no missed periods. I've had several. Mm-hmm. And I'm casual as hell. I can't be more casual.

I'm wearing board shorts and a tank top. I often am. I'm so casual. Yeah. I think at this point your girlfriend probably knows what your deepest desires are. Yeah. But I think you cannot like continually ask and plead and beg and manipulate to get there. You just kind of have to, like, you've expressed what you wanted.

Like, I like having sex with you no matter what. It feels best for me when I come inside you. And I did all this research about IUDs, and it doesn't seem like it's that scary. I mean, I haven't done a lot of research on them. So show her what you find, but then also you have to be like, she's the judge, jury, and executioner here. Yeah, it's like the risk on her end is becoming pregnant, which is all on her. She's carrying a baby.

And then the difference on your end is whether you get to nut inside her ham wallet or come somewhere else. Yeah, buy yourself a fleshlight. That's cheaper than an abortion. He also said, I don't want to really pay for an abortion. Yeah. So if you're not willing to deal with any of the bad outcomes, you shouldn't really enjoy the good.

Yeah, he wants all the reward and none of the risk. Fair. You don't get that, unfortunately. Not in life, not in relationships. Not in Trump's America. Hoorah. All right, this one's from a lady. We'll call her Stevie Nicks, who's also part of the documentary, The Defiant Ones.

Why? Because Jimmy Iovine worked with everybody, including Stevie Nicks. Neat. She writes, I'm a young lady residing in her early 20s. I've been dating this guy who I have now been official with for a couple months. She writes, collection. This isn't my first rodeo as one of my ex-boyfriends had come out to me previously. However, I'm now up in the air of my current partner's expressing that he wants me to get brown and down in the bedroom or if he's just showing off his trophies since he had mentioned it had been a while since he stuck one up there. Although I've never done anything like this

before, I'm pretty open to tickling his tootsie. What do you think? Should I catch him off guard in the bedroom? Perhaps an element of surprise is what I need to shake things up. Jesus. Thanks again, BS. I forgot about that part.

Come to Toronto. Another Canadian listener wants to be part of the crisscross Canada tour. You definitely don't surprise someone with a butt plug, right? Oh, no. I think she wants to surprise him

with a tickling his tootsie. Yeah. I don't know I think she wants to surprise him with a tickling his tootsie. Yeah. I don't know if you, like, surprise anybody by just going right for the asshole. Yeah, but do you think she should have a talk about it, or does that make it less sexy? I think there's probably a sexy way to talk about it while you're down there, you know, breathlessly being like, do you want to get one of your butt plugs? Yeah. Again, this is another butt plug question, and I'm always a little confused about the primary reasoning for a butt plug. Is it a sex toy?

Is it a in-between sex thing? Is it a self-pleasure thing? Yeah. Regardless of what it is, I feel like if you show someone a butt plug collection. Yeah, a collection. Yeah, she said he showed me his collection of butt plugs. And she thinks he's passively into butt plugs. Yeah.

That was him dipping his toe. Yeah, zero butt plugs is being passively into them. One is being really into them. And the collection means you're in the top 1%. Yeah, he loves butt plugs. That's what I wanted to tell this person. So what do you think? Should I catch him off guard?

I guess he probably won't be caught off guard because he is anxiously awaiting something going in his ass. One of his or one of her own? He probably has a favorite. So when she sticks something up there, he won won't be like oh what was that he's like finally it is time shower me and anus plugs do you have you ever seen a butt plug irl in the wild i don't know if i've ever seen no i don't think i have yeah i mean either i mean i've seen one in like a store of course i've seen one as i've never seen... No, I don't think I have. Yeah, me neither. I mean, I've seen one in like a store.

Of course. I've never seen one as not a joke. Yeah, exactly. Should I catch him off guard? I don't know. There's a lot of questions on my end that I'd be afraid to go for it. But maybe he's into that. Maybe she should catch him off guard. How about that?

Perhaps an element of surprise. I mean, yeah, you could explore butt stuff without needing to have a conversation and go straight to the plug. Oh, that's true. While you're hooking up, you can just tickle his butt with your finger. That's what she means by tickle his whatever she's...

Tickling his tootsie. Tickling his tootsie, that's fine. Yeah. Maybe she can dip her toes in. Literally. Yeah. So, what she does is get her little pinky toe up towards her hand, and then... Dips the pinky toe in his ass? That's

right. In what position is he? He is a downward dog. He's downward dogging. Yeah, so his elbows and wrists are on the bed, and so are his knees and toes. Oh, so that's child's pose. Okay, so he's in a child's pose, and she's... Standing above him? Yeah, standing above or sitting down next to him, and then she's lifting up her leg,

and then sort of trying to separate the rest of her toes from the pinky. Yeah. Because the pinky. Yeah. Because the pinky is the smallest little nubbin. I wonder why she needs to do the pinky toe and not just the pinky finger. Oh, and then just go one knuckle deep? Yeah. I think because the pinky toe... Do they make a butt plug the size of a tic-tac?

A suppository of sorts? Yeah, I think you're just supposed to use tic tacs that's cool yeah an anal tic tac that's nice yeah i really think she should dip her pinky toe in his ass and i'll tell you why because the nail is less involved in the toe really yeah you got a pinky nail right and that sort of goes all the way up to the end of the the rounded flesh bulb at the top of your pinky right but you got a pinky toe it's it's like a little seal where it it seems like more of a tadpole more toe yeah and then you got a little sliver of a nail on the toe

my pinky toe is like it's kind of calloused and triangular yeah you're what are your toes like let me see your toe man no i don't want to i don't need to show you Let me see your toe, man. No, I don't want to. I don't need to show you my toe. Let me see your toe. I don't want to show you. Can I see your nipple? All right, here's my toes. Wow. What? The pinky's the longest one.

So on your right foot, there's way too many. Yeah, seven. And on your left foot, there's way too few. I'm counting three toes on the left and right foot has nine. Yeah. So I have 12 total, which is in the acceptable range. It's just not distributed evenly. Man.

Oh, no. The toe goes up. There's another toe on your ankle and then one on your knee. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's why my nickname in high school was Tony. Very, very good, Tony.

Toe, common knee. All right. Very good, Tony. Toe, common knee. Boing, boing, boing. All right. Let's take a break right now. Thank you for your sponsors. And we'll be back with more Tony after this. Marshall, dude, you fucking rule bad. Big ups.

And we're back. Hey-o. We got a few smaller questions about hurricane harvey which reminded us to talk about hurricane harvey relief yes uh how are you relieving hurricane harvey victims yeah i heard uh red cross is the way to do it really because i hear lots of different things it's like no don't do red cross do like smaller shelters that will you know give the money more directly. And then some people are like, no, actually give to Red Cross

because Red Cross is there and giving relief. Right. Even though Red Cross did some shady stuff before, they are still the best at the triage that is needed immediately. They have the best infrastructure. Right. And then which one is if you text, it goes to them. So they have an easier way to donate.

Yeah. I mean, just Google and find out the right one for you. Yeah, it's hard with charity, but the important thing is that we all give something. It's funny that people, is this a thing that people talk about, but like charity shaming? Oh, like, oh, you gave to that charity? Right, like I did something, you fuck. Why am I in trouble for that? You really should be Googling the local charities.

Yeah, New York Times has a whole article. There's local organizations, the Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund being the easiest one to memorize. Oh, and then the American Red Cross is accepting donations. If you text Harvey to 90999, that donates $10. And I think it's from your phone plan. So it's, you know, there's a chance that you're not even having to pay for that. That's like forcing your parents. That's mommy and daddy cash. Yeah. So why was this bill a little high? Let them pay for Harvey. Yeah. But they can't get mad at you because you're just donating money to a very important cause, which is Hurricane

Harvey relief. It's crazy that it's still raining there. Well, at the time of recording, usually these hurricanes come and go. It's still raining? Yeah, it's still raining in Houston. Jesus Christ. So yeah, donate if you can. Have you found a place for your wedding? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really?

Top of the Empire State Building. Holy fucking needle. That's impossible, right? I don't know. How would you get that many people on the needle? Dude, anything for a dime. That's what they say. No, they don't. But what does that mean if they did say that? If you have the cash, they can make it happen. Got it. You think if I had unlimited funds, I couldn't get married on the Empire State Building needle? Yeah, I think not. I think you couldn't get it. For a trillion dollars, they couldn't make that happen?

What would they do? How would they put the people on the needle? It seems like it's more of a physical possibility. It would be just me and my fiance. But standing on one needle? Yeah, we'd climb up. I don't know how wide it is, but you clip in. They rig something.

They rig some sort of, what is it called? Scaffolding or something. Yeah. We get up there. There's a tiny little platform, but we're clipped in with carabiners and ropes. So it's nice and safe. And then our wedding party is down on the platform below. It's not going to happen.

I'm just saying, for unlimited money, it could. If I had a billion fucking dollars, do you think they would let me do it? Alright, let's get back to the questions. No! This is the most important question. Alright. My friend's car got booted.

Do you know this one? This is a question you're going to like. Alright. My friend's car got booted. Do you know this one? This is a question you're going to like. Alright. Let's call this guy Bruce, as in Bruce Springsteen, who also worked with Jimmy Iovine in the Defiant Ones. Last night I was out to dinner, writes Bruce,

with a couple of friends. We split the bill at dinner based on what we had eaten. Later we were driving around, and my friend who was driving in the car decided he wanted to go get cookies from Insomnia Cookies. We drove to an area of town that I was unfamiliar with, and after briefly looking at street parking, we saw a parking deck that was attached to a grocery store,

and it was free. He said he had parked there before, and we would be fine, so we walked out, got our cookies. And when we got back to his car, when we got back, his car had been booted because the parking was only for the grocery store. And there was a small sign that said

people who left the area would be booted. The booting fee is $75, which my friend, the driver, paid all of. Should the rest of us offer to split the fee with him? He was the one driving and the one who made the driver paid all of. Should the rest of us offer to have split the fee with him? He was the one driving and the one who made the decision to park there and he was the only one of us with a job and income. The rest of us are students. We all equally could have noticed the booting warning

but he was ultimately the one who decided to park there. Does the fact that he's the only one with an income matter at all? Thanks for your help. Much love, Bruce. What do you think is the right thing to do there? fact that he's the only one with an income matter at all thanks for your help oh much love bruce what do you think is the right thing to do there uh it seems like everything is leaning towards this guy paying it all i can't believe a car was booted so quickly yeah usually like late night you can get away with like an hour of leeway or like some, yeah, some warning. I've never seen a boot come on a time. That quickly?

That's crazy. They have to, that happens so fast. I think boots take like, you know, some time to install. A boot, it definitely seems more effective than a ticket because people just wouldn't pay a ticket, right? Yeah, but a boot is also like kind of fucked up because it's the opposite of like, oh, you parked here? Now you can't leave.

Yeah. It's like a weird big thing. No parking here. I'll go. But you put a fucking boot on my car. That's right. Now you can't leave the parking spot. It's kind of like, I caught you smoking cigarettes.

Now you got to smoke a box. It's such a weird thing. Four different boots on your car. If you wanted to park here, now you're here forever. Joke's on you. So there's a booting fee, which is $75 to take the boot off your car. So I think this guy was responsible for, not only was his decision to go to Insomnia, it was also his decision to park there.

It was also he has more money than everyone else. So I think it's okay that they didn't try to pay. I guess the alternative is you offer and then the guy hopefully says no. Yeah, that's what I think it's okay that they didn't try to pay. I guess the alternative is you offer and then the guy hopefully says no. Yeah, that's what I think. I think they should have offered. But if it was the other way around where it's like, my friend wants us to pay, I'd be like, that's kind of fucked up. Yeah. But I mean, I would understand that too, but only a little bit, I guess. I guess the right thing to do is to offer. It's funny. I mean, $75 is, in the grand scheme of things, not a lot of money. And people will lose friends over, this is like, I don't know, $20 each or something like that?

Yeah. Well, if you have a job, $75 is less than if you're a student and you don't have a job. Even if you're a student, isn't $20 not that much money? Yeah, but who knows how much money you have. They go to Insomnia Cookies and out to dinner. So you have some money for cookies, but you don't have some money to help your friend out who got a ticket or a boot.

Why do you think he mentioned the split the bill at dinner based on what we had eaten? I guess to show that everybody in this group is cheap as fuck. They're not willing to split it four ways. They figure things out down to the dollar. And then there was a booting fee of $75, which my friend, the driver, paid all of. I guess the best part of having a job when I was like, after high school, and I like got a job, it was just not having to like worry about splitting everything down to the scent right it's like oh it's okay if we all pay 20 bucks instead of like

you pay 17 50 and i'll pay 23 and then like oh you get this round of drinks i'll get the next one and it'll all even out rather than like hey let's each all go buy our own individual drink at this bar right oh yeah um all right so you think they should have offered and then he should have Like, hey, let's each all go buy our own individual drink at this bar. Right. Oy yoy. All right, so you think they should have offered? And then he should have said no? I think you guys should have offered. But, like, it's interesting if he's not asking. He probably knows that it was on him.

But then he's the person that drove. I feel like you've got to give the driver leeway because in that situation, anybody could have made that mistake. If he did it, anyone could have done it, and if you were in his position, wouldn't you want everybody to split the burden? Yeah.

I don't like rules that require you to do one thing and then the other person to say, never mind. Like the whole, if you get your food first, you're supposed to say, oh, I don't want to eat this food. And then your friend is supposed to say, please eat. And then you say, oh, okay. Yeah. Or you can just eat. Unwritten societal.

Yeah. So I say, it's fine that you didn't offer to pay because he made all the decisions to get there. But if you want to be extra nice and do the 100% nice thing, you know, there's like good guys in the world. He's a good guy. I feel like the he's a good guy guy would have offered. Right. So do you want to be a normal guy or do you want to be a good guy? I guess that's the question.

Do you want to be a nobleman? Yeah. Or a shitsman? I don't think it's shits. I think it's normal. Fin Do you want to be a nobleman? Yeah. Or a shitsman? I don't think it's shits. I think it's normal. Fineman. Yeah, a fineman. He's a fine man, but I wouldn't say, oh, he's the nicest guy.

Oh, he's all right. Yeah, I would say he's all right. He's not like the kind of guy that actively seeks out, oh, I hear you're moving. Can I help you move? Rather than like waiting for somebody to ask him for help. He's like the guy that's like, oh, can you help me move this weekend? He's like, I'm out's like the guy that's like oh can you help me move this weekend he's like i'm out of town and you're like well i can move next weekend too he's like oh all right i guess i'm caught sure yeah yeah yeah so he's not mean but at the same time he's not actively trying to be nice yeah all right well i think you should read the next question because it's a similar tone

you don't even know what the next question is more It's a bit more of a villain. I think I do. You sent me like nine. Which one are you thinking of? Concert one. Oh, okay. Concert cash quandary. That's not it. Really?

Not it. There's a more specific concert one. Oh, this one's from a lady. Credit quandary. Yeah. Okay. Oh, this one's from a lady. Credit quandary. Yeah. Okay. Oh, Gwen Stefani. That's not who I was thinking of, but he also worked with her.

Cool. All right, Gwen Stefani writes, Hi, I'm a 19-year-old female, and about a month ago, my friend asked me to go to a concert with her, but the tickets cost $180. I'm a full-time college student, and I do have a part-time job as an aide in special needs classrooms, but the minimum wage I get is used for rent and groceries. I just can't afford to shell out all that money on one concert ticket, so I said I couldn't go with her. Cut to about two days before the concert, she said she

bought two tickets herself and couldn't find anyone to go with. And again, asked if I could go. I said, I still couldn't pay for it, but, uh, but this time she said it was fine not to worry about it. She just wanted someone to go with. So I said, yes. And when we went, I did pay for her to fill up her gas tank. I paid for parking and I paid for her dinner after the show to at least compensate at least some of the money. However, the next day she texted me and asked me to pay for her in full for the ticket, even though she originally told me not to worry about it. I asked her if we could work out a compromise and I could pay for half because I paid for gas and parking, but no. She wants the full $180.

I wouldn't have gone with her if I knew I was going to have to pay that amount. I even said no when she originally asked me. Not only do I not have this money at the moment, but even when I do save up enough, I kind of feel like I don't owe it to her. If I didn't go to the concert, her money and extra ticket would have gone to waste. Should I just cave and pay for the ticket?

What would you do? Thanks. Love, Gwen Stefani. She's getting extorted. Yeah. I want to follow up, P follow up from this question so bad. I want to ask, I want to talk to the girl that paid and be like, so what's your side of the story? This is our other podcast where we should, like it would be much more highly produced, but where we get the whole, the full scope.

Yeah, because this doesn't make sense unless the quotequote friend is this nefarious enemy woman. There's no way you trick someone into paying $180 if you're an actual friend. What could she possibly say that would make us be like, oh shit, you're right, it is more complicated. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she never asked her originally. Maybe, I don't know. It seems like one of this stuff either has to be a lie or the other person has to be just completely bad and mean.

$180 concert ticket. That's a Gwen Stefani ticket. That's a lot of money. $180 for a concert. Yeah, you don't owe her any money. Don't cave and pay for the ticket, at the very least. You're getting extorted. Yeah, I mean, that's completely insane.

Especially, I mean, this girl's going to come out on top if you pay her for the ticket and for the parking, the gas, and dinner. Like, you don't want to pay for more of this concert as a guest. Say you should, she should not get $180 from her. You should donate it to Hurricane Harvey relief. Yeah, that's right.

Text 9099 nine times. That's right. Whatever it was. Yeah, text Harvey to 90999 and then 18 times. It's not even $180 for two tickets. It's $180 per ticket. Unless her friend is extorting her even further. Ticket was six bucks.

Face value. It was a small, intimate venue. Yeah, if her friend wanted the ticket money, she could have just sold it on StubHub. Yeah, and gone alone. But alas. All right, last question. Worst choice for a best man.

Ooh, relevant to me. It writes EZ-Z-E. I lived with my best friend from high school for the first three years of college. We did everything together. Then he started dating my girlfriend's best friend. Perfect, right? Yeah. No.

All of a sudden, they stopped talking to either of us, never hung out with anyone else, and even moved out on me in secret. Seriously, I came home from work one night, went to turn the lamp on, and it, as well as all of his stuff, was gone. We stopped talking altogether, and he ended up getting deployed. I learned he got engaged, and halfway through, he came back to the States for a family funeral that he asked me to be a pallbearer for, which I did. We reconnected over the weekend, and he asked me to be his best man, which I reluctantly said yes to, despite the past year. A month ago, I was included in a group text asking if we were still planning to be part of the wedding. Mind you, this is the first I've heard from him since the funeral and first learning the date of the wedding, which was in two weeks. I straight up said in a text that I

wasn't going to go. At this point, I have also moved out of state for work. Was this a dick move on my part? Or do I have a good enough argument against going if I ever see him again? And it comes up. So the timeline is best friend for three years, moves out, spends a year away, invites him to a wedding, doesn't talk to him for a year. Well, first he's invited to a funeral. Invites him to a funeral. He says, will you be my best man? Then he doesn't hear from this guy for a year. And then two weeks before the wedding is like, oh, He says, will you be my best man? Then he doesn't hear from this guy for a year. And then two weeks before the wedding is like, oh, are you

still down to be my best man? And this guy's like, no, I'm not going to your wedding. I haven't heard anything from you. Yeah. I hate the, let's make a plan so much in the future and then there's no follow up for a month and a half. And it's like, we still on for tonight? I don't know. What are you talking about? I don't remember this plan.

He didn't follow up at all. Did he not get an invitation? He just got on for tonight? Like, I don't know. What are you talking about? I don't remember this plan. He didn't follow up at all. Did he not get an invitation? He just got like an oral invitation? Maybe he, I wonder, you should like re-examine if any of the miscommunication is on you. Because sometimes that happens, right? Like people are like, I haven't heard from them in a year. And I didn't reach out to them either. The problem is this guy, his friend moved in with his lover,

and then they got married. I think that's such a funny detail. Yeah, that he just left in the middle of the night. The cover of night. Yeah, so that hopefully nobody finds out. But then he didn't make any new friends, so his best man idea is the same guy from college because for the last year he hasn't met anybody else. It's just his lady.

Which is weird because he got deployed. Like don't you make your best friends at war? Oh. Yeah. Why don't you ask one of your soldier buddies? But then to go from best man to not going to the wedding, that a gut punch two weeks out so you still want to be the most important part I mean what do you say I think when you say you're going to be the best man

that's like a pretty firm commitment yeah but then he didn't hear anything or maybe he did but he didn't notice at this point I've also moved out of state this is a tough situation although he already did it he just wants to know if it was a dick move. Right. It's over. The wedding happened. No, this actually, this is a very

recent question. So the wedding has not happened yet. Oh, okay. So is it a dick move? I think it's a little bit of a dick move. Yeah. If you're driving distance to this wedding, I think you should go. But what if it's like... If it's an expensive flight, then fuck it. Really? Even though he said he'd be the best man? I mean, I guess if it's really going to put you out, if you were going to spend cash that you don't have,

I don't think you have to do it. I straight up said in a text that I wasn't going to go. It's definitely like, alright, ring bearer, officiant, and best man all canceled on our asses, Cheryl. We have to elope, babe. We really shouldn't have alienated ourselves in the dead of night. I shouldn't have taken the lamp without talking to fucking Eazy-E.

I've been noticing as I'm forming my wedding, our guest list and stuff. Weddings are either a time for you to reconnect with old friends, like, I can reach out to people that I haven't seen in a while and, like, invite them and it'll be very, very nice and we'll get drinks and dinners, like, throughout this next year. Or I can not invite them and that closes the chapter

on our friendship forever. Not only that, but you hope to God they don't reach out to you in the next year because then it's really weird. I mean, keeping people at arm's length when I see them and I haven't seen them in a while

and they're like, oh, congrats on your engagement. I'm like, oh yeah, whatever, whatever. Don't get any ideas. I'm not planning anything about a wedding. Don't make me rank you.

It's a small service. It is a weird part of the wedding. It's a part that I don't look forward to in getting married. It's like, all right, you got married. Who are your top four friends in order? Let's start now and then your top 80 other friends and then cut off somebody.

At a certain point, someone will have to get offended. Because then it even comes down to the seating placements. Do you get the good table? This person got the invite, but we're putting them in a corner. Right, exactly. So it's like, awesome. Congratulations on deciding to get married. Rank everyone in your life.

Top 200, starting from the number one, going all the way down. Don't forget, you're going to have to tell your parents that they can't invite some of their best friends. Oh, and your fiancé's parents. You have to tell them that they can't invite people because you want to bring this friend. And then all the planning is like, I sort of can't go to bat for anything that I want because somebody else is paying for all of it. So, in theory, they should be making the entire guest list. I'm like, I want mini cheeseburgers.

And they're like, we really want hot dogs. I'm like, that makes sense. You're the boss. You're the boss of me. Or you can just spend your entire life savings on one party yourself. Yeah, Jesus Christ. It's the price of a down payment. Yeah, would you rather have a house or an awesome wedding?

A house. But so many people kind of make that decision in the opposite way. The crazy thing is looking at wedding albums and after looking at how much certain venues cost, I looked at the White Hotel in Brooklyn and found out it's like $100,000. Yeah. And then I see these wedding Like I looked at the White Hotel in Brooklyn and found out it's like $100,000. Yeah. And then I see like these wedding albums

of people at the White Hotel and I'm like, you guys are rich as hell. Yeah, like holy shit, you guys have 100K to burn. I guess a lot of the people that do do those expensive weddings would be like, don't worry, we can also afford a fucking house. Yeah, yeah.

I don't think a lot of people are choosing between like $100,000 wedding or $100,000 down payment. Right. But it's gotta be some people that do that. I don't think a lot of people are choosing between $100,000 wedding or $100,000 down payment. Right. But it's got to be some people that do that. I guess so. If you only have a little bit more than that. All right.

That's it. We're out of time. Thanks for listening. Boom. Labor Day. Hopefully you're listening on Labor Day. But if you waited a whole day, that's fine too. We appreciate it.

Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions, it's ifireyshow at gmail.com. Your own theme songs. We're running low on theme songs. If you've been sitting on one, now's the time to send it in. Odds are we will listen to it. Odds are we will play it, if it's good enough, of course.

Like this one from Nikia Camp. This is a great song, but it was a little more low-key, so I thought I would play it at the end of the episode. Love it. Nikia has a SoundCloud page, Nikia Camp, and a Facebook page, Nikia Camp Music. So thanks, Nikia Camp.

Thanks to Jordan Holmes for writing that opening diss track. We appreciate it, dude. You're the fucking man, man. Thanks, Marshall. And if you have your own theme songs, the email address is all the same at fireyshow at gmail.com. Ta-da. We'll be back next week. Enjoy this holiday

weekday. Bye. I've got some questions could you answer them? I've got a problem could you please help me out? I've got a quandary and I think you might be the ones to see me through. Cause Jake and I are gonna help you out. We've got an almost finished quote.

Well, not Jake, but that's another story. So just email them in at fireyoushow at gmail.com. They'll dedicate their time to you. If I were you. If I were you, show. That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, That was a HeadGum Podcast.