Segments - 291: Porno Game Shows

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

In this episode we discuss creepy dealers, German cheaters, and who should pay on the first date.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you Hey, yeah When you wanna say yes Jake and Amir will say no If I were you

Hey, yeah Trying to talk to that dime piece But she tells you to go Can't seize the cheese Oh, oh, oh It's not awesome, dude. They'll say you're acting out of line if I were you. Oh, oh, oh, just two coy Jews.

They'll help you make up your mind if I were you. Ooh. Hell yeah. Emily and Anthony wrote that. Are they a couple? They are a cuckold. Really? Yeah.

Of themselves? Uh-huh. Wow. They said they've been listening since 2014, and they don't have any SoundClouds or band camps to promote, but they do have a mental health initiative. What? Yeah.

They are so good. You guys should have a band camp. It's called CalmCanvas.com So that's Emily and Anthony's initiative. It's a mental health initiative more than anything else. Did you know what that was

a parody of? It was a parody of something? Yeah. What do you mean when you want to say yes but you try to say no. What do you mean? you want to say yes, but you try to say no? What do you mean? Yeah. A little Bieber action.

Love Biebs. You think there's a singer out there that's so good, but he's never sung, so he just doesn't know that he's good? Like if Emily just never sang. Yeah. Or like do you do? Elementary school does kind of force kids to sing a lot. Like you learn songs and stuff.

That's true. And then for like graduations, you learn songs. I mean like for kindergarten through like sixth grade, music was like part of. Yeah. It was like a requirement. You had music, art, and gym. Yeah. Kind of interesting.

And then sometimes math. You figure out who's the athlete, who's the artist, who's the musician. Who's the mathlete, who's the fartist. Well, math, you have to go through all the way through high school, yeah? Yeah. Well, I didn't do math. I did music all the way. So while you were learning like algebra and stuff, I was doing flute.

That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Did everyone in your school play recorder in third grade? No. Is that a thing? In my school, third grade, everybody had to play recorder. Really?

Yeah. And then in fourth grade, everybody got to choose an instrument. Yeah, and then you also, like, you could have tryouts for chorus. I tried out for chorus. Didn't make it. Of course. Of chorus. And then in fourth grade, I chose the drums.

Yeah. And I went to the music class, and the music teacher told me that I was a better fit for the sax. They sort of priced me out. They'd be like, you know what you're a better fit for is an instrument that's too expensive and heavy for you. Oh, I don't know if I'll be able to play that. Huh. Well, well. Bye. I can't legally tell you not to play an instrument so I'll be like you're better for the

stand up bass you know that $4300 thing that's 8 feet tall yeah they didn't think I had the timing to be a drummer which is true right you tell me 1 and 2

3 and 4 it's hard to do that even to be off rhythm like that on purpose is hard. All right, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir, and I'm Jake. You're not Amir. This is so bad.

You're leaving me in the dust, Blumenfeld. This is an advice show. People will email us at fireyshow at gmail.com. We're doing our best to read all these questions, but they're coming in fast and fierce. Yeah, dude. And we don't have any interns anymore. I know.

That means I have to re-teach myself how to read. So I'm trying to sound out some of these words, but they're so fucking long. Kind of nuts that you forgot in a summer. You should have been reading other stuff even. What is conundrum? Conundrum. Conundrum.

Conundrum. Conundrum. That's insane. I think you have a degenerative. Degenerative. Oh, no, I have it too. It's contagious. Contagious? Contagious Caldwell Pope.

Contagious. Contagious. All right, got it. I thought it'd be fun if we answered some lady questions today. Alright. For this is ladies. This is the Sadie Hawkins. Yes. Because you know what? Women can be confused too.

Alright. First one's actually from a guy. I see. But he had a sort of lady name, Casey. No, this is from a lady. It's from a lady that we'll call Rowena. Why Rowena? It's just streets that are in Los Angeles that remind me of female names. Oh, cool. There was a lady named Rowena at my dad's office. Oh, really? Yeah. That's nice. Shout out to rowena of course okay are co-eds girls like when they're like oh look at those co-eds or is it just college students i guess well co-eds is like guys

and girls but you definitely do only think of girls when you hear co or i do anyway all right it's that's how that's what they use in porn co-ed yeah but it's just like sexy co-eds yeah but it just means educated like people co-eds let's not read too far into it unless it has to do with the question it doesn't i just kept thinking about co-eds and if it can also be a guy all right anyway rowena writes whenever i go pick up weed from a drug dealer he he's always wanting to hold hands. At first I thought he was trying to hand me something, so I accepted the hand, but it was empty. We just held hands for like 10 seconds, and then he let go. This was after he gave me the weed, so I just thought maybe he was trying to shake my hand, but I tried that next time and he didn't shake back.

He just squeezed my hand. What do you think it means? Should I keep letting him hold my hand? Or should I cover my hands in Vaseline next time so he doesn't want to hold it? Please advise. Love, Rowena. Okay. A hand holder. That's weird as

hell, man. That's like not even a normal way to hit on somebody, which would also be unacceptable in this situation. But isn't that a thing? Like, ooh, if you like hold hands a little bit, you can like, there's like, if there's a chemistry or a spark there,

you can sort of sense it during the hold hands period. I think so. But I also think that people are so deep in their own minds that like that guy is probably like, oh, I can feel this chemistry. It is electric. And she's like, this is weird as hell can i use vaseline to stop the electricity connections between our two hands and don't you have another

drug dealer you don't have to use that one yeah yeah i don't know i haven't i've never bought weed from a drug dealer i'm always like uh the it's just the times that i've smoked it was like my friends had weed it was never like i'm the one who's buying the weed from the dealer. Yeah. The weirder the drugs you buy, the stranger the reaction. The dealer, yeah. Because you got to be strange to like deal the weird drugs. Yeah.

It's really not fun to be the, I've like had to do, I've had to be the guy that gets the drugs a couple times, and I very much prefer when Jeff Rosenberg does it. Specifically Jeff. Yeah. Do you invite, have you ever invited a drug dealer into your house? Yeah. They just come over and you're like, yeah, come on in.

Yeah. It's not like my favorite thing, but I have done that. And have they ever tried to touch your hands? No. Thankfully, as a semi-athletic white guy, nobody's ever tried to hit on me or take advantage of me or intimidate or bully me. Yeah. It's all just been fine.

Those are female problems. And now she has to cover... She's considering covering her hands in Vaseline just so that he doesn't be a creep to her. Is that fair? Yeah. I mean, I also remember coming from... Like, I was a small-time drug dealer in high school

and a little bit in college. And a little bit after. And then I was moving kilos of the shit when I was 30. And now I mostly just do, like, prescription pain meds, which I think is fine. So I'm slinging oxy to high schoolers. But I definitely, like, dealt drugs to girls, and I thought that was, like, a way in. Like, they would think that I was cool because I was dealing the drugs and then

I might be able to make out with them. Yeah, but it's so sad that she has to cover her hands in Vaseline so he doesn't want to hold them. Right. I'm just saying that this guy he's 100, like it's not innocuous. He's 100% trying to hook up with you. He's a creeper so get drugs elsewhere. Yeah, and I think that

you know, never been in this situation, but I feel like to hook up with you. He's a creeper, so get drugs elsewhere. And I think that, you know, never been in this situation, but I feel like you don't have to do anything to your hands just so he doesn't want to hold them. You not wanting him

to hold them is quite enough. How do you, or have you ever been to a dispensary? You know, in California, weed is like

borderline legal at this point. They have stores to sell them. I have been to a dispensary. And? That's, I mean, to sell them. I have been to a dispensary. And? I mean, that's fine. I bet the clerk there won't try to hold your hand. Is it an easy thing? Is it basically just walking into Target,

but it was just weed products everywhere? I guess it's closer to walking into like a Spencer's Gifts. Oh, I see. So it's still a little funky. Yeah. It still smells a little weird. It's not like a chill store. At least, I bet there's going to eventually be some like, you know, really sleek little artisan.

Yeah, hipster weed dispensaries. Like the wheelhouse of weed. Yeah, the weed house. But for right now, it still seems kind of like psychedelic stoner weirdos. Right. It's like the weird places that used to sell bongs now also sell weed. Yeah, exactly. Instead of like a coffee shop that also sells weed.

I mean, there are some places that it's fully illegal. I think in like Washington State. Fully legal. Yeah. Yeah. You're just like, no. Here it's like you sort of need a weed card, but it's kind of also fine, I guess. Right.

You can like get one online from a doctor on Skype that you tell. You just say, oh, I feel anxious, and then you write to a prescription. All right. So get weed elsewhere is the advice there. Or just tell them no next time you try to hold your hand. Just pull it away. That's fine. All right.

Here's another one. We'll call this lady. I was about to say the street you live on. What's a female sounding street name? Which is a very masculine sounding street. Yeah. Oh, you know what? I was thinking of a different name. Oh.

I was thinking of Wren. Oh, nice. Yeah, you don't live on Wren. No, I don't. Yeah. All right. Ren writes, my boyfriend is jealous of my gay best friend. Hmm.

Been there. Now, I get that me and my friend are probably closer than normal friends. We've known each other for a long time and have told that we're more soulmates than friends, but it's gotten to the point where my boyfriend told me he doesn't want to hear me mentioning my best friend's name or name ever again when we're hanging out. I mean, I understand his frustrations, but it still doesn't change the fact that my best friend is hella gay and we're just friends. So what should I do, guys? Me and my friend have goals to create something great together i know you guys are great and work together too have you ever been in a situation like this

should i respect respect my boyfriend's wishes or drop him because uh as my idols the spice girls once said if you want to be my lover you got to get with my friends that's true. Anything is helpful. Love what y'all do. Love, Ren. This is so weird. I think you got to nip this in the butt right now. Yeah, fucking don't see your gay-ass friend anymore. Your boyfriend sort of doesn't allow it, and I'm sort of on his team. If you really wanted to hang out with your gay best friend,

then you could do it without being in a fucking relationship. Because I think she's hooking up with the guy. I really think they're hooking up. You are the boyfriend. Huh? I figured you would help me. Ren, you're cheating on me. With a homosexual. Yeah, at the very least emotionally emotionally hanging out with this guy it's funny because like

the guy doesn't realize if he is the jealous type he doesn't realize how good he has it that this girl's best friend is gay and not interested in her yeah it could be a straight guy yeah we've we definitely get questions where it's like i'm just friends with this guy but like you know you could think that that guy has a crush on her. So even if she's not interested in him, he's got ulterior motives. And they're like, this is purely a friendship. You have nothing to worry about. And if he's still jealous, you should be like, fuck this dude.

Because that's just like a little peek into his psyche. And he's... Yeah, imagine if you hang out with a straight guy. God forbid. Yeah, this dude's too jealous to be in a relationship. Do you think he would be this way if the best friend was a lesbian woman? Oh, interesting. Because at that point, she could have a crush on her, but...

But he's more jealous about the penis. Yeah, the fact that it's a dude just triggers him to the point where he's like, I have to put my foot down. I don't even want to hear you talk about him. That's so weird. Don't say his name. Right. That's also tied to the fact that you're doing something creative that you feel passionate about with this person. So by extension, your boyfriend is now like, i don't want to hear about your creative endeavors

with tucker guys it makes my blood boil it's definitely tucker to hear you being creatively fulfilled with tucker why can't you be creatively fulfilled with me shit i play the recorder let's write a fucking song and i have an idea for a comic. It's where this girlfriend is super friggin' faithful to her boy toy. And she never has any other friends. Look. She's living in this cell here. And she's happy.

It's a modern day Rapunzel where she never gets rescued. She cuts her hair off because she doesn't fucking need to escape because she has it all. That's how much she loves her master. She has a master. And that's all she needs. And I think we color it in with watercolors and I play a little tune to accompany it. Be-be-be. Hey, Crosstown. Hey, Crosstown. What a pretty,! Hey, Crosstops! Hey, Crosstops!

What a pretty, pretty, pretty Crosstops! Tucker's calling me. Don't get it. If you like the comic, you won't answer the phone. So you have to play the recorder, the first song you can learn on the recorder, while you're reading the comic strip? Mm-hmm.

It comes with a soundtrack that you have to play obviously he's not very creative hot cross buns without singing the words recorder is the worst named instrument, right? It sounds like what? Something already exists called the recorder. Yeah, they didn't have to also name the instrument a recorder. Yeah, they really nailed it with piccolo and flute. Those are all fine.

Those are unique and they sound nice. Recorder just sounds like a piece of technology. I bet the recorder came after the instrument recorder. Mm-hmm. Anyway, get rid of this jealous loser. Yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. At the very least, I feel like you have all of the ground

to stand on to issue an ultimatum. Just be like, I'm going to do everything I've ever wanted to, hanging out with my gay best friend. You can either be cool with it or you're gone. Yeah. That is the ultimate matum. Yeah. All right.

This is another question from another lady. And that lady has a very cool name. Mikkel Terena. Ooh, very nice. Michelle Terena writes, Long-time listener, first-time caller, my BF and I began a long distance relationship. As a substitute for real sex, we've been exchanging some saucy texts,

which often include kinky things that we reveal we'd like to try together. The problem is when we get to see each other for a few days every couple months, and we usually have to spend the first couple sessions just getting back into the groove with basic vanilla sex. So my question is, how do we go about making progress on the sex bucket list of sorts? Thanks for the advice and great meeting you in Portland. Hey-o! Love, Michelle Torena. I don't think you have to have vanilla sex to get back into the groove. I think you could have kinky sex to get back into the groove. Why think you could have kinky sex to get back into the groove. Yeah. Why do you have to have, like,

several vanilla sessions? I don't know. I guess because, my thoughts is because the guy, when having sex for the first time in a few months, just, like, explodes instantly. You can't even make it past regular sex. So that, like, it's almost like an on-ramp into the

kinky things. That's, that's, I guess that's fair. But then I think you can make his, if you really love him, you can try to make his premature ejaculation sexy. Or at least just make it okay. Do the very, very kinky thing. And if he comes too early, just switch it up. Don't make him feel too bad. It is funny to have saucy texts, kinky new things,

and then they get back together and just have basic vanilla sex as a warm-up. I want to chain you up, and I want you to slap me across the face and choke me, and then just like, okay, well, let's do girl on top for a bit. Missionary sounds all right for now. And then, oh, then I'm going to have you every which way. Oh, no. Oh, and by the way, I like vanilla. So don't fucking call it vanilla sex because that's the best sex.

You do love vanilla. And if it's French vanilla, well, I'd like to French that vanilla. And if it's vanilla bean. Then I'd like to flick that bean. And if it's vanilla bean? Then I'd like to flick that bean. I'm so sorry for saying that. Yeah, of course. I didn't mean it to come out as crass as that did. Yes, you had to have.

And I would never do that with a vanilla bean. I wouldn't treat it like that. Oh, but what about a clitoris? Oh, I would go to town on a vanilla clit. Actually, vanilla clit is this new frozen yogurt place that I've been going to. Sucks as a name. Yeah. So I guess you can call restaurants anything, but people just don't because it's, you know, pornographic and bad for business.

Yeah. But the guy that started vanilla clit, it's on 6th and San Mateo over here. 6th and San Mateo. What an amazing location. Yeah. So vanilla clit, it's like a, it's a 16 handles type, so you like do it yourself with the, they got the left lever, the right lever,

and then you could do a swirl. Okay, so why is it called vanilla clit if you've already said there's two, at least two flavors? Yeah, and the flavors are normal, like chocolate, strawberry, cookies and cream and stuff like that. So why clit? I don't know. I guess it's like we're talking about it, aren't we?

I don't want to. All right. I want to stop. Sure. It's like, do you know the place Egg Slut that makes good egg sandwiches? Oh, yeah. That's a real one. Yeah.

Cool. Anyway, they opened Vanilla Clit. How do we go about making progress on the sex bucket list? I don't know. Have sex more than twice when you get together. Yeah, I think, I swear to God, you guys don't, I don't know what the kinky stuff that you're planning on trying is. I guess like if it's, you know, if it's really rough or something, I understand that you don't want to like go right into choking.

But if it's, I mean, just get right into it. Just, just, or have one really long tantric sex session with a lot of foreplay. So then you're in the groove before you actually fuck. Oh, how long would that last? The entire weekend? 48 hours. That makes sense. It's hard to be in the long distance.

You have to cram in all the sex in such a short window. It's not fun. And yet it is fun. Of course. Because you're sort of racing against the clock. That's nice. It actually reminds me of my pornographic game show that I'm pitching. What's that?

It's called Racing Against the Cock. Nice. So it's a YouTube Red original. Sorry, it's a YouPorn Red original. So they're starting to get into original content over there. That's awesome. And it's this game show that I'm pitching where couples have to basically have sex

as many times as possible in 24 hours. And they're racing against the clock, and they're trying to set a new record. Winner gets, let's say, a $500 gift certificate to Vanilla Clit or anywhere else they could think of. Whatever sponsor we can get. Vanilla Clit or Egg Slut. Yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah, I'm trying to pitch something to Spank Bang Originals. Whatever sponsor we can get. Vanilla Clit or Egg Slut. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I'm trying to pitch something to Spank Bang Originals. Oh, they're getting into original content? Yeah, they're getting into original content, too. Yeah. What are they launching? Well, it's sort of like, it's similar.

It's a little bit of a game show, but it's called Sploosh Tube. What's that? Sploosh Tube. So what is that? It's sort of where like me as the host and any challenger tries to fill a pint glass with sploosh. Oh, got it. Also in a 24 hour period.

It's kind of like family double dare meets what would you do meets like, yeah. Because the loser does get slimed with it. I see. With the winner's cup. Got it. And then you have to chug your own. And your cup does get slimed with it. I see. With the winner's cup. Got it. And then you have to chug your own. And your cup does runneth over.

Runneth over. Yes. I, as a host, have never lost. Okay. Or will never lose. So what you do is come into a glass so many times that it overflows. And then you pour that cum on. The milky, viscous contents.

On the Challenger. On the Challenger. And then this, what's the website that's going to air it? Spank Bang. And that, they bought this idea in the room. In the room. Really? In the womb.

Really? So you brought in a pregnant mother of four and pitched it to them. To the womb. And they bought it in the womb. They bought it in the womb. That's so cool. Yeah. Congrats.

Series order. It's kind of crazy. Straight to series. Two episodes. There was a bidding war between Red Tube, UGIS, and Spank Bang. All wanted this. So how'd you end up at Spank Bang? They gave me, they all had the same sort of like if-come deal.

Pun intended. Yeah. bang they gave me it would they all had the same sort of like if come deal and like pun intended yeah uh but spank bang just they they made they they made a promise to make it a flagship show of theirs to get all the necessary yeah a temple a marquee show that's cool and i couldn't get the same uh promise from from red tube i thought they they could bury it in an underused tab yeah like or pornhub community section or something yeah isn't pornhub getting into svod like subscription video on domain content oh are they yeah they're starting to charge like 6.99 a month and then you have like sort of fart blanche access to their entire library no shit i'm actually a co-EP on a couple of programs over there. Like what?

Yeah. Great question. The Price is Pussy, right? Yeah, Drew Carey is hosting it. Wait, so like you have sex products? No, it's like a bunch of prostitutes, male and female, and then people bid on how much they cost. And the first one to get it without going over wins a night of passion with that.

That's so fucked up. So, yeah, it's called the price. Because that should be illegal. No, but it's not. The price is pussy? Yeah. Not the pussy's right? Okay, all right.

Let's calm down. I gave you the pitch for notes weeks ago. You said you had none, so let's not, because the logo is already... Right. It's already done. But that's on Pornhub's SVOD, S-V-O-D? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really neat. Yeah, and they're launching that late, late next year. Late night. Yeah. And I'm thirsty. And I am thirsty. All right, it's time for a break. Let's take a break. Let's come back with more questions and answers from ladies after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run. And then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draft six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we've returned. We got

an email that was just a Jake and Amir fan script instead of question. Appreciate that. And I thought it might be fun to read it. Okay. This was written by Trent. Are you going to read these scene descriptions? Okay.

I can read the scene descriptions. All right. This is a fan script written six days ago by Trent. It's called Frisbee. Okay. Solid name. Maybe an homage to one of our first episodes, Kite. I actually watched a couple Jake and Amir videos last night.

Oh, why? My fiance is out of town, and I was scared of ghosts in my house. So I thought that I would just watch a couple Jake and Amirs to relax. There was one funny one that I watched. I would just watch a couple of Jake and Amir's to relax. I'm trying to think. There was one funny one that I watched. Instead, there was a ghost there, and when he saw me watching my old videos, he got so depressed that he left the house.

The saddest part is when you laugh at them. I watched, it was a real tour. I started with YouTube, which I really don't even, even now, I watched it last night, and I don don't even, even now, I watched it last night and I don't quite remember. Like watching the videos on YouTube?

No, I watched Jake and Amir called YouTube. Oh. And the way I found that was that I Google searched Jake and Amir YouTube. So it started with YouTube.

Then I moved to Magician, which is a real old one. That's the one with Sarah. Yeah, A Kiss from the Magician. Then I watched Bread. Okay. Then I watched Poster Ideas. So this is like an episode you've never seen before, Frisbee. Let's see how it fares.

Ready? Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks in the College Humor office. Maybe it's confusing if I read the scene description. Yeah, I don't think we need them. Okay. Alright, ready? So it starts. Wide shot. Cut to me. I feel like we never talk anymore. I'm serious,

man. You wanna know how my weekend went? You know, I really don't. Me and my cousin Leron went out to pick up college chicks. You should have seen me. I was throwing out slick lines like, uh, what's your major? Why is, what makes you think that's a slick line? Or are you a minor?

Because if you are, then so am I. Disgusting. Illegal. So Leron and I were strolling, trolling, and patrolling the campus green at 8am on a Tuesday. I thought you said this was the weekend. We're tossing around the frisbee back and forth because girls love jocks, and I see this smokestack, this two-nickel piece, a solid 11 out of 40, and I get so distracted looking at the dame that I let the frisbee slip,

and it clocks that Shirley right in the temple. Yeah. You know what? I'm just going to leave before I get too sad for you. Wait, wait, wait. I haven't even gotten to the best part. So I borderline concuss the clumsy broad, and this dorm room diva and I think to myself, hey, why not strike while the iron is twat?

Don't say that word in the office or ever. So I run up to this eight rupee piece and put the moves on her, and guess what? It works. She's mad at hell at me. So it didn't work. Yeah, I got her blood pumping and fist thumping. She's straight up committing battery

at this point against me. How can you possibly think that this went well for you? A security guard comes across the quad and sees the commotion after 30 seconds of pleading my case. He joins in on the beating of me. So now I'm between a cock in a hard place, screaming to Leron to throw me the goddamn

frisbee so I can toss my way to freedom. I see him sprinting away for help, I assume. Unlikely. The next thing I know, I wake up in a back alley at the top of a mound of ripe compost. My cell phone, gone. My wallet, gone.

My goldfish crackers, not gone, but crushed. But guess what? I still got the Frisbee. I'm here holding the Frisbee and it hits Jake in the head. Jake. I said, catch the dish, you bish. Love it. You like it?

I could see us actually using this. A couple notes I have. Well, my main one is that when you hold up the Frisbee at the end, it's not a Frisbee. That's good. So I'm wrong in that regard. And you still throw whatever it is at me. Yeah. And it hits me.

But it's like a fish. That's good. So I'm wrong in that regard. And you still throw whatever it is at me. And it hits me. But it's like a fish. Oh, that's good. A trout. Like the Seattle fish market style. So like, I still got the frisbee. I'm like, why do you think that's a frisbee? I said, catch the dish,

ya fish. There you go. Alright, that was fun. That was fun. That was good. Now let's email CollegeHumor and ask if we can shoot those. I feel like there's been a lot of stuff happening that would have made for a good Jake and Amir video. We came back out of retirement for the Trump thing. Right.

We never made one for Snapchat. That would have been a good one. Snapchat, fidget spinners. Oh, yeah. Fidget spinners would have been a big one dabbing, we'd still be dabbing I am dabbing, I'm still dabbing oh yeah

alright, anything else to talk about before we go back to questions um what are you doing this weekend I don't know yet, I have to find outdoor furniture very nice I waited too long now and now it's September, and people aren't selling it anymore.

That's not fair to me. Yeah. What are you going to do? All right. Let's answer this one from... What's another female street name? Lafayette. That's good.

Lafayette. That's good. Lafayette writes, It all started a few weekends ago at a pool party where I met this awesome guy. We hung out for most of the day, flirting and even kissing a little bit. Later the day, I was talking to my friend about this guy and she told me he had a girlfriend. Of course. When I confronted him about it, his response was that it was okay because his girlfriend is in Germany, where they're both from. I know that this is an obvious red flag, but seeing as though I was a little drunk and still very into him, I continued to flirt and make up with him for the rest of the party. I think she means make out or make up. Yeah, make out. Make out with him for the rest of the party. Flash forward to this past weekend, and I ended up going to Vegas with him and some

of our mutual friends. He spent the whole day flirting with me, and later that night, we even left the club together. Once we got back to his hotel, I informed him that there was no way we could have sex because he still had a girlfriend. Very unexpectedly after, I told him that, uh, I told him this, uh, oh, very unexpectedly after I told him this, he told me that he had been thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend for quite a while, and now he is planning on breaking up with her because he Is this for real? I really like him, and I definitely want to explore this relationship. But his girlfriend and him have been dating for four years,

and I feel like it's a little crazy that he should leave her for me. We've been sending very flirty text messages back and forth ever since then, and he hasn't mentioned anything about breaking up with her yet. Should I ask him? Should I just let this go and stop pursuing him? Would a guy really leave his girlfriend of four years for someone he just met? Help! She's so confused.

You're saying one stuff and being another one the print being another way i think she's just like i'm making out with him but it's fine because i'm upset about it like i get to i get to flirt and make out and leave a club but like i feel bad about his girlfriend it's so weird to be like, what you're doing is so fucked up, and here's some flirty text, and I'm helping. You can't be, I don't think you can be horrified

by his behavior and complicit in it at the same time. He's more in the wrong than you are, but also you're participating willingly. She's the reason. She's teaming up with him against her. It's funny to imagine, like, if this girl's in Germany and he's a German guy, he could just, like, just leave the room for a minute, come back in and be like, yeah, we had a conversation and now we're broken up yeah if you're gonna lie yeah we did if you're gonna lie you can just lie all the way uh-huh

you don't have to lie about saying you want to break up with her that yeah yeah it's it's weird to be so into a guy that has a girlfriend because best case scenario is that you become the girlfriend and then you know he's the kind of guy that would cheat on you yeah or because he's just like he's he really you guys really have something special yeah probably not but one other uh interesting what I think that if you want to like, if you want to be with him, then you shouldn't be like trying to, it almost sounds like she's convincing him to stay with the girlfriend now. It's like, I'm not going to hook up with you if you have a girlfriend. And then he's like, okay, I want to break up with her. It's like, really?

You're going to throw away a four-year relationship for this? Every relationship that's been going on for four years must be perfect. Yeah. Like, if he wants to break up with somebody, let him do that. And don't worry about his... It's not like he's just doing it for you. Yeah. He's probably doing it for many reasons.

Maybe you showed him how little he wants to be in a relationship, that he wants to be single, that he wants to flirt with other people, that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship, and he wants to be able to relationship, that he wants to be single, that he wants to flirt with other people, that he doesn't want to be in a long-distance relationship, and he wants to be able to go to Vegas with people. That sounds like a reasonable reason to break up with somebody. But I also think he's not going to do it if you keep on telling him you should,

but then still hooking up with him and flirting with him. Now that you've shown him how good it is to be with you, you should completely stop cold turkey and see if he, if that convinces him. Yeah. It's just such a, like,

you should almost be like, just let me know if you're single or not care at all. You can't be like caught in this half zone where like you're hooking up, you're flirting, you're texting, you're saying, are you together? Are you not?

Cause it's putting a weird feeling on yourself. Like you have to feel guilty and confused and you're single. You're allowed to, you're texting you're saying are you together are you not because it's putting a weird feeling on yourself like you have to feel guilty and confused and you're single you're allowed to the last thing you're supposed to feel is guilty don't worry yeah it is it is interesting that oftentimes the girl the girl that doesn't know the girlfriend is the one who has to be like no this isn't right and the guy who's cheating is like oh it's fine don't worry about it she's in Germany yeah it doesn't count

trust me Schweizer get in the house stop shooting my chopper oh this guy is Arnold Schwarzenegger no shit

yeah I should have mentioned that and he cheats on his wives all the time so if you're the girl my advice is to just either go for it and not give a shit about the girlfriend because you're never going to see her. And you have some sort of weird moral compass that allows you to enjoy this moment without thinking about her. I don't like that at all. Or.

Just inserting myself. Inserting myself real quick. Go ahead. Or don't and wait for him to break up with her naturally. Yeah. My opinion is you don't have to deal with this shit. Yeah. Unless he's like, what if he's hot?

He probably is because he's German. But. And that's how it goes. That's fine. There's other single Germans out there. And? Fuck them. All right. One more question. This. And? Fuck them. All right, one more question.

This one's a quickie. All right. So we'll call her 21st Avenue. Why 21st Avenue? Just a sexy name for a sexy girl. All right. She writes, On a first date, should the girl at least pretend to offer to pay for slash go Dutch on things?

Or should you just let the guy go for it and not even say anything? Love, 21st Ave. I think pretend to pay. Pretend to pay for the whole thing? Pretend to pay for splitting? I still believe in chivalry. If I was going on first dates, I would pay. But I definitely believe in at least posturing like you're going to pay. Right. I would almost register it as like annoying if on a dinner date, the person didn't even like pretend like they were willing to split the bill.

Right. Like not even going for a wallet. Yeah. I think there's, I know you kind of hate this, like where you, you know, like the unwritten rules of social conduct where you're supposed to pretend that you want to pay and then the guy is supposed to be like, no, please. And then she's supposed to be like, oh, thank you. Right. But I guess I still subscribe to those to some extent. I think I at least want the thank you. I've been on some where it's like,

it's kind of like annoyingly expected where it's like to the point where it's like not even a thank you. And that's like, oh, that's a little annoying. Yeah, I've never, I don't think I've ever not received a thank you. I would, I mean, when I've been somebody, when I hold the door for someone

and they don't say thank you, I'm like tempted to kick them in the back. Oh, I said thank you. Sorry, I was barely audible. I'm so sorry. Oh, fuck, you really hit my tailbone square. I have scoliosis. Is that why I couldn't hear you?

Fuck, I'm sorry. Yeah, I like the at least attempt to pay even though you shouldn't pay. But if you don't want to pay, should you attempt to pay? If you don't want to pay, then don't go on a date. But the expectation is the guy pays. No, I think we're living in a modern enough era that like the norm is splitting first date. Also, you know, I think that the amount of first dates now, given like the new dating culture and the app system and the I want it now world that we live in, where like people have several Tinder dates a week. Instant gratification.

Yeah. I think that people are going on so many first dates that it it will break it'll break your bank if you don't split so i think that there are definitely people out there that expect to split i think that everybody should go into a date with the expectation of splitting and if somebody insists uh even once let me get this i think that the the nice thing to do always is to graciously accept. Do you think the guy should insist or that's based on his current economic situation?

Yeah, that's based on his current economic situation and how much he likes somebody. Because I do think the old rules die hard. I think that if you really like somebody and she offers to pay and you take her up on it, like, you risk the chance that she'll be like, wow, what a cheap dude. Right. So if you, if you, but if you don't like somebody, if you don't think you're going to go on a second date and they offer to pay, I would definitely be tempted.

I probably care too much about my reputation writ large. To do anything. Yeah. Like I wouldn't want, I wouldn't want it affecting my Lulu score. So in your situation, you offer to pay, you want the girl to offer, and you decline, and you get a thank you. And I would always pay. And I would expect that. What's another acceptable outcome? In the future, when I wrong her in some way, she'll remember like, at least he was always, she paid for stuff right he was not a gentleman in that he didn't return my calls and slept with other people of course but cash wise

it was fine he was the man overall three stars uh what's another acceptable situation do you think uh i uh as a man offer to pay girl offers to pay and i accept is that fine yeah i think i think that uh the social rule for me anyway is anybody insisting twice you back down like you don't it's not good or normal for you to be like let me pay and they're like no let me like no i insist like no i'm gonna pay and then you're like no you're not you ever grab You ever grab a check? You don't want to get into an actual argument over this. There's flirty ways to do it where you put your card down and she puts her card down

and you hand it to the bartender and she's like, oh, I want it. But you've got to read the room there. I also think if you go to a bar and you pay for the first round or the first two rounds and you go to the next bar, the acceptable thing is for her to say, let me buy this one and for you to graciously allow that.

What do you think about this as a dude? Um, so basically you have a, you have a dummy credit card, right? And it says, uh, it says text on the card that goes, this is a dummy card. Come back and say, all right, I was able to split the bill on both cards, but charge everything on the other card. So it looks like a credit card, but it's sort of a secret note to the waiter slash bartender. So you tell the girl, we're splitting this. It's 2017 after all, baby.

Or honey or whatever. That's what the back of your card says. Yeah. She goes to swipe and it says, please don't rat me out. On the card. Please don't rat me out. This is a dummy card. I guess. It won't be able to swipe.

You have to charge the whole thing. I think it's a bad idea both in principle and in execution. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's immoral and it's impractical. Right. It's evil and bad and it won't work. Yeah.

So, like, it's so useless. It puts the waiter in a difficult position, right? Right. It puts everybody in a bad position. Because it'll be like, please, please, please. And you won't, I would venture to guess you would never, ever get away with it. So it sort of

outs you as a spineless coward. I haven't told you the worst part. A miserly spendthrift. Yeah, the worst part yet. The card costs close to $10,000. You're a moron. Yeah, I get that. Alright. I get that.

I get that from time to time. To each her own. Thanks for emailing in. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song, remember, was Emily and Anthony, the Bieber parody. I loved that song. This one is from Sam and the Boys. Another great song with some great voices.

We'll be back, maybe, on a Thursday this week? No spoilers. But keep your eyes peeled on that feed. Thanks for listening. We'll be back soon. Ta-ta. Good night. Goodbye. Zach's trying to

sabotage me. He's sabotaging me right now. Alright. Alright, here we go. Alright, this is going to be great. It's going to be fine. I'm not flat. You're flat. Here we go.

Alright, we've got a sticky situation. A need of information. So I ask these two Caucasians out of desperation. My mother likes my best friend friend I've got a yeast infection Plus a festering erection I need a life inspection From these two Jews If I were you

What would you do? Y'all do you You heard the lyrics from me, Sam. I had it, but that was good. No, that was good. I'm like, ah! It's a thread, mother! Help me, mother!

No! It's fucked up! I'm dangling by a thread, mother! That was a HeadGum Podcast.