Segments - 292: Yoga Privates (w/Phil and Mike!)

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

Co-creators of HBO's "Animals" Phil Matarese And Mike Luciano join us to discuss how jobs are like lovers, and the road to making their television show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Doobie doobie doo, if I were you I'd listen to these dudes now Doobie doobie doo, if I were you They're gonna help you out now

Come on, Jake and Shmoo, we need you Tell us how to deliver Yeah, I'm not very good Cause I can't seem To make her shake and quiver You know we got some questions You can solve for me We'll tell you which way you should act

You'll do the math And Jake will give you some advice But it'll probably be to break up fast Doobie doobie do if I were you follow the words if you're willing but if you listen to what they tell you

you're gonna need some penicillin rut roll? nice was that original? that's good, that's Scooby Doo Phil and Mike. Hey, guys. This is Phil Matariz talking.

This is Mike Luciano talking. I just want to clarify that up top. You guys have done great. We've done a lot of radio before. That's bullshit. I'm on top of the mic. Who made that track? That, great question.

You want to host this show? Whoa. I love it. That one was written by a band called Dear Lincoln. Shout out to, oh, sorry. It was written by Nathan, but his folk band, Dear Lincoln, can be found on dearlincoln.com. That's good. Guys, that was really good.

That was a great theme song. Yeah. It was really great. We're just talking. Guys, Dear Lincoln, right into the show. Was that an instrumental that you dubbed over? Was that a ground up creation from your own? It's a topic of discussion we'd love to hear

your response to. What do you guys think? You guys are kind of experts in this field of voiceover. Yeah, I don't know. I couldn't really tell from over here, because it was played through the laptop. Of course. So that's on you. That's a little behind-the-scenes action.

But regardless, guys, great job. And I'm always impressed by how good people are at things. Like making that little song. Fucking way to go, man. What the hell do we do? We just like fart into a mic for an hour. And this guy like created a piece of art. I find it funny if you guys slowly took over hosting the show over the course of this episode.

I like somehow have listener questions. Because you kind of did that very slight underhanded dig. You're like, I couldn't really tell the song because I was playing it through a laptop. But then you just kept doing that. We could host the hell out of this show. Yeah, you're not really reading it that well.

But I guess if I had to answer that question and then before you know it, you guys took over. Just a slowly crossfade into you guys hosting the show. Phil and Mike, how would our fans know who the hell you guys are? I don't know. The only thing that we've made is our HBO show called Animals. We're working on our third season now. It's an animated HBO show that has had many funny people that's been on this show.

Ben Schwartz. Who else have we had? The two people we're looking at right here. The two people we've had? Tim Baltz, I think, was in it. Tim Baltz was on it. Gabrus, we just had him in last week. Who was so funny.

He's this bulldog. It's Talking Animals. Everyone's like, I gotta fill in. What our show is, it's Talking Animals. I've got to fill in. What our show is, it's Talking Animals in New York City, basically, and all their little weird stories. Jake and Amir have been on the show. We've been squirrels and rats. Squirrels, yeah. Just squirrels.

Really? They did a quick rats. Oh, yeah. That's right. I'm sorry. That was all the way back in the first season. That was all the way back, yeah. A brief opening scene where Amir gets squashed by a big brick.

The squirrel version of me looks like King. I still get my $7 residual check out of that. Four cents every six months. It's embarrassing cashing it. Guess I'll go to the bank. Can I get four pennies for this guy? And I owe my agent .04 cents

can you slice this penny into fourths but I was saying the squirrel one looks like me he's got a little Amir-ness to him I already look like a squirrel and then you added glasses to him and I was like this is a very accurate portrayal of who I am as an animal something about him we just wanted a little albino squirrel

for some reason I feel like Amir Blumenfeld could do this pretty good. And Gabrus as a bulldog is perfect, too. Gabrus, he's the gym teacher bulldog like a Long Island. It's really lovely. I can't wait. That'll come out in three years.

Making it. Yeah, that's the joy of podcasting is it might not be as prestigious as an HBO show, but hell, it's Monday and this will be online Wednesday night. And we make just as much cash for it. Four cents an episode. Oh, sorry, Jake and I get just as much cash. Yeah, you guys get paid a little bit differently.

So this is an advice podcast. Have you guys done podcasts before? We've done Gabrus' podcast before and we did the Adam Carolla show once. That's great. We've had the world's... We love doing Gabrus' show, but we had the world's worst publicists of our last season for some reason.

Where, yeah, we don't get on much guys. We don't get on much. We're sort of this weird cursory, like we make our little HBO animated series, we get funny people on it, but we don't really do much else. So we're really happy to be here. Oh, yeah, we've done Harmontown. That was great.

Those are big ones. So this show. You've done, and Corolla's the biggest podcast. It is, yeah. That was one where my uncle texted me. Holy shit. You always know you've made it when the uncle texts. Yeah.

Have you ever been uncle texted? Maybe when we were on a crossword puzzle. That was a good uncle. You guys were Jeopardy, too, right? Yeah, when we were Jeopardy questions. I was like through everybody. So cool. So funny.

That's not something that I was that. I mean, it was cool. But I would be so much happier if my uncle texted me that he saw our underviewed Vimeo series. Yeah, we pour our heart into a year's worth of making basically a movie, and it's like, whatever. It's like, whoa, you're on Jeopardy! Yeah, yeah. I guess.

No one got the answer right, but still. They said it was the hardest question ever. What an esoteric poll they sent. Was that college Jeopardy? I think we were on... We were Jeopardy questioned twice, and one time it was College Jeopardy, and one time it was regular.

Oh, the haters were very quick to point out it was College Jeopardy. I assure you. Not real Jeopardy, was it? My enemy said. All right, so this is an advice podcast. People email us ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Sometimes they'll seek our guidance.

Sometimes they'll write a Scooby-Doo theme parody parody we have no idea what we're gonna get uh but we got some good questions how are you guys giving advice are you wise do you guys have younger siblings that look up to you friends that look up to you oh i'm pretty bad with advice to be honest i i never know what what to give really that's good so being self-aware is the first step, I think. Yeah. I think I'm pretty bad, too. I've never had genuine conversations with people. I'm very much doing bits, and Mike and I don't know a lot about each other.

We've lived together for a long time and worked on this for a while, but for the most of it, it's talking about other mediums and other things that exist. All right. So let's see how well you guys can do right now. I feel like you're being a little self-deprecating, but we'll test your skills. This is a lady.

Phil, do you have a fake lady's name? We're going to give this lady a fake name just so we can talk about her while preserving her anonymity. How about Terry? That's great. Very nice. Yeah. Terry what?

So smug. You guys should see Phil's face. How about Terry? That's great. Very nice. Yeah, Terry what? So smug. You guys should see Phil's eyes. How about Terry? I was really hyped on that. Terry Z. That's cool. Terry Z. I like that. Cool. Yeah, yeah. All right, Terry Z writes, I'm a 26-year-old yoga instructor from New York, and I'd love your insight. I have one-on-one sessions with a client. Let's call him Arnold. Some context for the next piece. I've been called a brunette Jessica Rabbit by many people so I wear loose clothes, hair back, and no makeup with my privates to desexualize the experience as much as possible. His girlfriend, let's call her Helga, asked for a private too. I thought

it went so well until Arnold frantically called me the next day saying she thinks we're having an affair. Arnold is asking me to lie about how many sessions we've had once a week and where we've had them at his house so that he doesn't look guilty. She just seems like a crazy insecure woman. I believe in integrity and truth,

especially since nothing has ever remotely happened between us. But he does pay me $100 a week, which I need, and doesn't want to move forward until I lie. So do I lie and feel uncomfortable for the money? Or do I stand in my truth and lose one or two clients? Help, Love, Terry Z. This is incredible. First of all, that these sorts of situations exist in the world,

and that they're writing it, it's just amazing. Arnold is a piece of shit. You think so? I think he's a piece of shit. I think he is too. He's like bringing this poor yoga instructor into his problems. What are you gonna do? I mean, this lady is so

convinced that Arnold is fucking a yoga instructor, and the only way to quell her fears is to get the yoga instructor to lie about how often they've been fucking, sorry, doing yoga. $100 a week's worth. It's funny. As soon as you said 26-year-old yoga instructor in New York City, I imagined the hottest girl ever, and then she was like brown-haired Jessica Rabbit,

and I was like, okay, I was right. I've been called a brown-haired Jessica Rabbit. And I was like, okay, I was right. I've been called a brown-haired Jessica Rabbit. As we all are every now and then. I wear loose clothes and hair back to desexualize it. At first I didn't realize what privates meant when she said, I don't wear makeup with my privates.

Is she like, dolling up her pussy? Usually when she goes out, she does. Okay. Goodness gracious. So who wrote in? Jessica Rabbit wrote in, right? Terry Z?

Yeah. She should not. I mean, a hundred bucks is pretty awesome. A week. A hundred bucks a week is pretty awesome. But I think she should really be open with, what's the guy's name? Anthony? Arnold.

Arnold? Come on. He's on. There's so many moving parts. She does have two different, she's mixing like, if she's going Jessica Rabbit, she should have done like, the guy's name is Roger. Right, yeah. But she's like bringing in, hey, Arnold's here.

Yeah. So that's what my advice is. On how to write a question. Get your theme straight, yeah. Well, let's put this in perspective that we can possibly understand. Phil or Mike, let's say someone's asking you for one-on-one lessons. What would that be and what are you great at? What are you in the 99th percentile of?

Man, maybe making animation stuff. You know, like they could give us storyboards and we could grade them and have it be funny. So let's say a lady has been meeting with you once a week and her boyfriend's like, you're fucking these guys. I know it. And then she's like, can you just lie and say we haven't been meeting that often? Would you lie or would you call the guy and be like, listen, I've been meeting with her once a week, but we're not fucking relaxed. Look, she draws an amazing Jessica Rabbit. Yeah.

You know, I think it's just lessons. Yeah, it's just lessons. Now, I think in any circumstance, if you're lying and you're building this house of cards, it's all going to fall down. And she's implicating herself in it, too. Yeah. Either say to the purse, the girlfriend, like, nothing's happening. Or you say to the dude, nothing's happening. And then just fucking write it all off. No matter what, don't lie, I guess is what I'm getting at.

I got confused again with all these stories. But you could say, like, hey, I never fucked your boyfriend. And that's all I'm going to say about it. Oh, P.S. I fucked the guy once. Oh, really? Sorry, I totally forgot to mention that. No, no, no, I'm just joking about that. But would you lie?

Would you lie just to avoid this awkward moment or would you stand your ground, tell the truth and potentially lose your pride? Yeah, I'd be a professional, right? We all got to have professional backbones and I think we all, if we can't stand on that, God damn it, what can we stand on? You know what?

Mike is in downward dog right now. I think the truth will prevail. I'm going to go off your little speech and I think the truth will prevail in that it'll all if she's honest with the

girlfriend that she'll eventually see the truth of the situation as well. That's my opinion. And I've got two ideas. Okay. One, you tell the guy, I'm not dealing with this. This is your problem. Yeah. Like you don't have to do anything.

And the guy can go and like lie, whatever he needs to say. And I think that the girlfriend would understand that the yoga teacher doesn't want to be involved in this. Two is you lie your ass off. You, you know, you say everything this guy wants to hear. And then you're like, by the way, my rates went up to 150. That's good. Yeah. Oh, did I mention the lying fee?

So let's do twice lying fee? Yeah. So let's do twice a week, $150. And if you don't pony up the cash, I'm going to tell your girlfriend that I sucked you up. That's good. That's pretty good, too. That way you're making more money. I like the shit you said about having a backbone. Yeah.

With that backbone shit, too. With that extra $50, it's going to be pretty good too. I would probably lie just to be like, listen, we've only been meeting twice a month, not once a week. So let me continue doing yoga with your boyfriend or whatever. The interesting thing about that lie is that it does preserve the greater truth, which is that you haven't fucked. Right, exactly. So if you don't lie, she doesn't believe the truth.

Whoa. Fascinating. Say that again? I want to get it as a tattoo. But this time, I'm going to turn your mic off. Yeah, it doesn't seem, the bad lie is like,

we have been fucking, but I have to lie to this girl. This is like a white lie, where it's like, don't worry, we haven't been fucking because, and then the reasons are different. So that like a white lie where it's like, don't worry, we haven't been fucking because and then the reasons are different. That's why I feel like it's fine to lie.

And it'll keep you getting a hundred bucks a week, which is pretty solid. Though in New York City, you guys know, that's not going to get you a slice of pizza and a cup of coffee. Pizza in the corner, out of my way! I was in New York last week, I paid a hundred dollars, legit, for a slice of pie.

But that's such a weird meal. You had a cup of coffee and a pizza. And it was like $104. New York, you know, no rules. And by the way, $4 for that cup of coffee. Taxi! Hey, we're out of here. I took an Uber.

It cost me $1,100. Insane, you're overpaying for everything. It was to Western Pennsylvania, but still, $1,100. All right, next question. Let's see what we got here. Oh, here we go. Mike, how about a fake guy's name? A fake guy's name.

Yeah. It could be anything. Donatello. That's perfect. Wow. Where'd you come up with that? You know what? Donatello is sort of one of those ones that's already stored in the back of my head.

I like thinking of it not associated with Ninja Turtles. That's not a part of this. This is just Donatello. All right. Donatello does machines? Is that what he did? Donatello, yeah. Leonardo.

I feel like this turned into a digital thing. I know Michelangelo's a party dude. Raphael's cool but rude. Yeah. Donatello does machines. What a weird pitch. So he's cool but rude, right? But this guy does machines.

And Michelangelo's a party dude. Can you imagine? Like, when you go to, this is too insider, but like pitching a TV show, you have to have the characters so, so, so in depth. And Donatello is just like the machines guy. He does machines. It'll be in the theme song. So you guys want to figure it out. You know how your uncle does machines? So Donatello does that. So he's like that. Yeah.

All right. Donatello writes, here's my situation. My girlfriend and I have been on and off for almost three years, this time around being on for the longest consecutive time, 10 months after having been off

for the longest time, nine months. So the questions we get can be a little confusing. During those nine months, we did our fair share of dirty deeds with other people. So questions we get can be a little confusing. During those nine months, we did our fair share of dirty deeds with other people. So when we got back together, we eventually got

into an argument. Thinking about sex just made you throw up. Disgusting. During those nine months, we did our fair share of dirty deeds with other people. So when we got back together, we eventually got into an argument that led us revealing the shit that we had done when we were apart. So that led her to building up trust issues with me because she found out I had dunked my donuts into a couple of her sorority sisters.

Oh, goodness gracious. So that led to this huge fight we got into after doing the deed. We were going to town and I was getting her to the point of no return. And boom, I KO'd that G-spot of hers. And soon after, it would be my turn to release the Kraken. Kraken? Kraken. Release the Kraken is a really funny thing to talk about.

Can I change the name to Stifler? However. When you come and you scream, release the Kraken. What is that a reference to? Pirates of the Caribbean Release the Kraken I don't even know what that is I guess I saw it 15 years ago

However this time around My load was a mere pea sized amount And nothing more And coincidentally on this occasion I tried some new positions as well As soon as we were done, I started getting shit for this. She automatically begins to accuse me of

cheating on her and having girls over when she isn't around. She starts to complain that I didn't cum enough and that she knows how my body works that when I don't cum a lot, it's because I've been fucking. Mind you, she lives almost an hour away from me and she travels a lot from work, but I assure you I'm loyal AF.

So my question for the senores is, how do I get her to trust me and understand that sometimes all you get is a pea-sized amount of human dough? And also, how do I increase my load amount? Do relationships this complicated usually end well oh much love uh donatello all right genuinely asking how do i increase my load amount he's so confident like release the crack in ko theot. How do I increase my load? God. Yeah, just instant detective work after the ejaculation.

Be like, that's not enough. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Donatello, I think first and foremost, you guys are back together. Whatever you did during that nine months, you boinked a bunch of people. Just be trustworthy for this whatever period it was, three months or whatever you guys got back together for. All you have to do is be trustworthy for this whatever period it was three months or whatever you guys got to bet got back together for yeah all you have to do is be trustworthy man and if she sees that your spurt is a little bit less than normal well then i don't know bring up a google search average male spurts equals question mark wait did donatello have a reason why his spurt wasn't all the way there?

Why did you remember? He could have just said he masturbated. Yeah. Yeah. He said he was like trying out different positions or something like that. Your spurts are less the more you masturbate, right? Yeah, because there's a finite amount, I would think, of spurting to be done. Like if you hold off for a long time, the first one is like, you know, the buildup of days and days.

Scary movie. Scary movie. What's that? You're blowing to the roof. Oh, yeah. Scary movie. That's right. Classic.

Jesus Christ. What a weird. The bigger question. Think about that pitch. That was so fucking. The bigger question is at the end, do relationships this complicated usually end well? I hate to say it, no. Right?

I would say any relationships usually don't end well. Like one in a thousand end well. You either die or the other person dies. Best case scenario. I feel like trust and jealousy is like this. It's a tiny little poison that can seep into a relationship. And once it started, you can kind of just throw in the towel. Yeah.

Oh, there's no getting it back. I don't think so, which is weird because he only fucked other people when they were broken up. It's kind of like when you have a job, you're not going to get that big of a pay increase. You only get the big pay increase when you leave and go to another company. So you're never going to get that big of a pay increase. You only get the big pay increase when you leave and go to another company. Wow. So you're never going to get a big trust increase

from the same human. You can only get it once you start from scratch. This is the first time I've ever heard that metaphor used in a relationship and it's kind of like cold,

but it's really true. It is. So trust is money. Trust is money. Love is cash. Everything is money. Yeah cash everything is cash to me and if you don't have someone that has a lot of cash quit that person

and hire another but you could also be unemployed for a long time that's gonna happen we're skirting the bigger question of how do you get that goop bigger baby how do you get more of that goop that fucking dough that seed that goo that guap though that fucking dough that seed that nasty that

gushy stuff well what is it eating pineapples just makes your goop taste better that doesn't give you more goop I heard makes it taste better too okay well sorry that's only just how it makes it taste better which is not what he asked

it doesn't matter if it's just a dollop. Jake, we need more. You go to a nice restaurant. The food's not bigger. It just tastes better. Yeah, that's true. So next time she complains, be like, yeah, it's only a little bit, but try it. I've tried it. I've tried it myself, and it is very tasty.

Listen, Donatello, she lives an hour away. We all know you're jerking off too much, buddy. You just got to quit squeezing that knob hold on to it until you see your girl be trustworthy but ultimately we all agree that you needed a new job girlfriend it's not you're not gonna fix this one dude it's too late the damage is done yeah all right let's take a break'll thank some peoples, and we'll be back with more Phil and Mike after this. That was good. That was amazing.

Perfectly harmonized. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments, and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool.

Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, Oh, draft Kings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post game stats. I want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick, we'll do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow.

So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general but I still have a fan of gambling

enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because I do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kingsKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat.

It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Woza. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontid where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits. Expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.

And we're back. Phil and Mike, how'd you meet each other? When did you meet each other? Tell us everything. You don't go from friends to HBO show without having like a great... Without making a few enemies that's right uh we worked at the same ad agency in like 2011 and then we were just co-workers that's pretty recent that's not like 10 20 years of friendship a lot of people think we have known each other for a while but it's really been you know since since about then so

2011 2011 but it was working together yeah an instant sort of like let's make stuff on the But it's really been, you know, since about then. So 2011. 2011. You were working together. Yeah, an instant sort of like, let's make stuff on the side together. We were just two dudes. Like, Mike was making music videos. I was doing a little webcomic sort of thing. Okay. So we combined our forces and just started doing this little animals web series.

That was your first attempt at something. That was our first attempt at something. Oh, shit. We're still doing it as a television show. It's our job now for a long time. So what's the quick path there? You create it for fun for the internet, for YouTube? Yeah, fun for the internet.

Go ahead, Mike. We did, yeah, we started making it kind of once a month, these little shorts, and then we would screen it around different places, and then eventually we did this kind of longer version that was like a quarter hour sort of thing and that won uh this uh best comedy at this thing called the new york television festival and then from there that sort of got us in touch with our producer mark and eventually we moved out here made two our first two episodes

and then screened those at Sundance holy shit and then um from there sold it to HBO Jesus had our first two uh we sold it for two seasons so we got to make like two we we had the insurance of knowing that we were gonna have two seasons and some time to figure it out you know um very little struggle. You're not supposed to succeed that quickly and frequently without any failure. You know what? It was, it was like our,

our web series version of it. It was all about like placement and like getting on cool screenings and getting it into short film festivals and all that sort of stuff. Um, but it sounds quicker, but like, yeah, that was the,

not the getting into Sundance was working in an apartment with four people for a year. Mike and I quitting our pretty good advertising jobs, which also fucking sucked, so it wasn't that hard. But quitting those and moving to L.A. and not making any income for a whole year. So why'd you move to L.A LA before having the show? It was, we knew we wanted to get into the industry somehow and like be writers eventually, whether or not this worked out. But, you know, our producer, Mark Duplass, you know, like, we could get a lot more voice talent to do it if we moved out here. And just like working more intimately with him and him setting up our shop and everything. We just wanted to be all in, you know, to sort of make the move to rather than sort of tiptoe and do it from afar in New York. It felt like we had to kind of, you know, fully bet on ourselves and the idea. Wow. So you took a risk.

Took a tidbit of a risk. Well, you were living together, so you were like trying to minimize your outgoing cashflow. Yeah. That was a straight, it was like, it was this weird like going back to college sort of thing after like kind of starting a different career

and then going back and calling my dad for money for a little bit. Which is great because now you guys are working with like A-list celebrities. Like you have Oscar winners

that are voicing characters on your show. That's true. That's crazy. They do come in and they act, become turkeys and all these different wild sort of animals. I mean, I've been there when people were recording.

Everybody just has fun. It's like. I mean, we've tried to keep it exactly the same as it was when it was Phil and myself in our apartments at four in the morning on a work day where, you know, it's just the fun of being around a microphone, knowing what we kind of have to do for a scene or something, but just laughing so hard and having so much fun doing recording and getting that vibe. And I think as the shell of this little show has grown and grown

and we've gotten more and more people, I think that that seed is still there and that's what draws people to it. It feels a little... Yeah, the scripts we got from season one and season... Yeah. Anybody listening now can go watch both season one and two in entirety on HBO. HBO Go, HBO Now, all that jazz.

And you guys talk about what the scripts look like, because they're pretty unique. They're like these little 12 to 18 page outlines. That's basically, you know, it's bullet points for what each one of the scenes are going to be. So there's like a scene A and then one, two, three things that we want to get out in each one of these scenes. And that's basically it, what we're're gonna have for the actors and what we want them to do and their motivations and all that ton of improvising and every now and then we'll

script out some stuff and give them lines and that sort of stuff but uh you know you guys were in there where we were kind of feeling it out different takes and then we'll have takes about third eye blind i think that made the cut i remember it's like okay jake really likes third eye blind let's you guys are smoking pot and talk about third eye blind and then you just did that now it's in the show and you just turn that into a runner you know and then it's it's i think that yeah it we we really wanted to feel like this too where it's a kind of a podcast vibe and people come in and they're versions of themselves. The first season, you guys were like bullies.

So it was like a little bit of like, we want Jake and Amir. Don't do weird voices or anything, but you're a little bit of these kind of bully guys. Right. So inherently, we feel like it becomes a little bit more organic and people relax and can be themselves. It is funny that that's like, it's such a, that's very, it is relaxed, but it's also such a clear vision for that show. That show has like stayed very consistent to it. Oh, thanks man. Now you guys are working on season three.

Season three. Yeah. We didn't know we were going to get a season three. We were picked up for the two. So it was a little bit of a waiting period, but we got the third season and it's going to be really weird and different. We were picked up for the two, so it was a little bit of a waiting period, but we got the third season, and it's going to be really weird and different. We killed all the humans. Oh,

shit. That's a spoiler if anyone has heard it. But at the end of season two, our show's not... It doesn't mean it's not like Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah. We killed all the humans, so it's like this weird, like, all the animals are rebuilding their society.

It's different. We try to make real big changes every season. That's awesome. So you've been working on this thing for probably like six years. Are you like, I can work on it for 20, or you're like, I hope it ends soon so I can work on this other idea I've had.

We've been dancing around, pitching other stuff too, but we could do this forever, I think. I think we could. Like South Park, you could just do 20 seasons and be happy. Yeah, because, you know, each episode is, they're connected throughout a season, but they are like their own little short film.

So if you like think of like the dumbest thing, we have this fucking episode in this upcoming season that's a trial between the careers of Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler, And that's it. It's just these rats. It's like a courtroom drama kind of send up, but it's just my rat just really defending the fact that Jim Carrey

is better than Adam Sandler. That's another thing I love about your show is like your sense of nostalgia is like exactly where I am. I don't think there's another show that doesn't, that isn't the exact same. Are we the same age?

I'm 28. I just turned 30. Yeah, so I'm 34. I'm 22. But that's crazy. Hot. Wait, who said Adam Sandler is better than Jim Carrey? No, my character does.

My character does. I love that now I have to defend this. No, how did that even come about? I don't know. It was us just riffing. We started just talking about how silly the idea is to compare these two. You know, the argument in the episode is that, you know, Phil's argument is that Jim Carrey is this artist that came out in 1994 and hits you with Ace Ventura, The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, all in one year.

1994, one year. Wow. One year, all three. So his first, it's a courtroom trial drama. So he comes out and like that's his whole thing. And then my whole thing is like the long ball game and like- The longest yard. The longest yard.

And how- He's an industry. Adam Sandler is like a workhorse and is consistent and keeps doing it out of a love of it. Yeah. He definitely consistently makes movies. He makes movies. For sure. He definitely hasn't stopped.

He has not stopped. Mike's got a big line at the end where he's like, Adam Sandler has put David Spade's niece through college. Big web of the industry of Adam. That's great. I think it's going to be good. I hope it's a thing. I wonder if they'll see it. I wonder if they'll do a voice. Maybe.

We'll get you guys in. We'll figure out something. That'd be great. Would you guys get Jim Carrey in there? Oh, if Adam, if, oh, I misheard you. Yeah, I meant it. But that would be really bold to ask

if we could come back for some of these on this show keep rolling we're gonna we're reaching out to them so it's TBD but we have it written

where they can appear or they cannot appear I feel like it's not gonna happen who's the biggest name what if one of them gets on then you guys have to

make that person win yeah it's not like hey can we have you on so we can fucking rail you and say you lost this debate? It ends sweetly, where it's just like, it's

not about this. It's about the idea of they're both great. But there is a winner. Who's the biggest name that said no to being on the show? Ashton Kutcher just said no right before we got here. Lauren Hill, we just got it. Lauren Hill just said no. Tons of people just said no right before we got here. Lauren Hill, we just got it. Lauren Hill just said no.

Tons of people have said no. We shoot for the goddamn roof, and every now and then it pokes through where Jessica Chastain or someone will say yes, and we're like, what the fuck? Jessica Chastain is the coolest one. I just have a huge celebrity crush on her. She's amazing. She was like so sweet too and like we had her as a turkey that is about to sadly get slaughtered on Thanksgiving and

we had her, we played it like a drama and we wanted her to do kind of this accent. It's her and Danny McBride. So you know everything I said about being yourself on her show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was completely untrue. It was kind of a joke too. It was like, alright, well the one person to kind of do an too that was like all right well the one

person that kind of do an accent instead of like a really cartoony person will be jessica chastain doing like kind of an eastern european thing and she like really tried to get the accent like really specific and and uh it was just great that's awesome yeah it was fun uh cool well look forward to seeing more season Season three coming in early, early 2025. Yep, right about then. Something like that. It's going to be so good. When David Spade's niece is going into retirement.

Yeah. We have time to answer one more question if you guys do. Let's do it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. This is a 25-year-old British girl. Okay. Maybe you guys can tag team a name.

Phil, first name? I want to say B-R-O-O, Bridget. Bridget Beverly. Ooh, that is British. High five. That's beautiful. That was the worst handshake I've ever seen. For sure.

I just grabbed his thumb like I was a baby. I just came out the way. Mike's crying. Look at the grip on this one, huh? You're going to be a softball player. Bridget Beverly is a 25-year-old British girl at university, and she has a problem. I recently started going on dates as I want to be in a relationship. However, I don't like sex at all.

It grosses me out, and I find the idea of having sex with somebody repulsive. My main problem is that I'm scared to tell people I am going on dates with this fact as I'm worried that no one will want to date me if sex isn't on the table. Help, what should I do? Would you date someone long-term knowing that they will probably never have sex with you?

Thanks, love, Bridget Beverly. P.S. I know a lot of people would say, how do you know you don't like sex if you've never tried it? But believe me, I tried it, and it didn't get very far, since the idea of sex is so gross to me. Wow. Let's try to be really woke when we answer this question. Yeah.

First, a very British question. Sex is improper to me. Right. Goodness. Okay, so she's asexual yeah that's our term right it's funny because asexual is means not sexual right yes asexual being means you are sexual right oh a space sexual i don't know just a little grammar humor for everybody quick aside yeah uh okay uh have you ever met somebody or known somebody to be like this everybody. Quick aside. Yeah. Okay.

Have you ever met somebody or known somebody to be like this? No. Right. This is... It goes against evolution. Yeah. Sex is supposed to feel good so that you procreate. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a real thumper, huh? I would not date people and spring that on them at a certain point. I feel like that's the first thing. That's the lead. That's the opener. It's straight up a non-starter. Of course. Yes.

There's no getting around it. It sounds like she ultimately just wants friends, right? You want a really close friendship or a relationship with another. I feel like there's got to be asexual message boards or dating apps or something. Yeah, but how does it work? Let's say you're asexual. Do you like making out? Do you like cuddling? What are you down?

At what point does it become more than that? I mean, how about a handjob? Christ, Richard! At least watch me jerk it mutual masturbation what were you saying about being woke yeah yeah so I don't

understand if two asexual people get together is it any different than friendship are they like cuddling are they feeling some sort of semblance of romantic interaction yeah cause they could say I love you and stuff, right? Sure, you could say that to friends. That's emotional, that's being in a relationship, I guess.

Man, this is really kind of hurting my brain. I bet there's a spectrum of being asexual where some people are into cuddling but not wet contact, and some people are into zero contact at all, just want the camaraderie. I want to talk to this girl. I want to be like, do you masturbate? Does it feel good to orgasm? Have you ever orgasmed? Does any of it feel good or like what part of it grosses you out?

Yeah. We should really have a podcast where we like have people on that we are allowed to ask dumb questions to. Because sometimes we have like gay or lesbian people on this podcast and I'm afraid to ask them because I don't want to seem like I don't know what I'm talking about. How does it go between the two? What is it to be bi?

Yeah. So Bridget's question is what exactly? You know, since, since sex is off the table for, I'll say this to Bridget, you know, it can,

it focuses, you know, what, what your first priority should be, which is finding somebody who appreciates you for you and you appreciate them for them. And then you start there. And then you work and you build a thing that works for both of you. Mike is rock hard right now. I am just peaking right now.

Ooh! And let me tell you something. No, I'm not going to make a... I was going to go for a spurt joke. It's not a pea-sized amount. Totally, yeah. Would you guys date somebody that was asexual? Or is it also like a tell me before we even get into half of a conversation?

I would for sure like to know up front. That's like... Yeah, I don't know. It feels... Goodness, I'm trying to be woke about this. But it's about you. There are some things that you need to know up front.

You know, like, oh, my dad's in jail or something. You don't have to tell somebody that up front. You know, that's like, you can tell. You can tell. This one's one you need to know up front. Because I think 99% of the human population likes to have sex. And it's fine that some people don't,

but you can't really get into a relationship with someone when you love sex. It's a two-way street, right? Yeah. I keep thinking about wet contact. That was a two-way street, right? Yeah. So. I keep thinking about wet contact. That was a great term. Thank you. Nailed it. Thank you.

Thank you. Wet contact. Why did you say that? When I was talking about the spectrum of asexuality. That's where she cuts it off as wet contact. So the specific question is, what should I do? Really foul. What should I do and would you date someone long-term knowing that they will probably

never have sex with you? Never. I think none of us would date someone long term Knowing that they will probably never have sex with you I think none of us would Date someone long term If that's answering that question But what she'd do is Yeah you gotta just Whatever you're meeting people on The Tinder the etc profile

Put it in there Explain it It's helpful to her Because I think she's going to have her heart broken over and over again. If she starts to like somebody a lot, she's like, by the way, I'm not going to have sex with you. And they're like, oh, you want to wait until marriage?

She's like, nope. Not after that, too. Never. Keep going. Never is a problem. Not there either. Yeah, because some people are fine to wait for marriage. Yeah. I mean are wet are fine to wait for marriage yeah i mean people are fine to i think there's definitely people that are if if it's important to you to wait to

have sex that's something that's not like you don't have to tell somebody right away for that i wonder if she's having difficulty having sex because she doesn't love the people she's having sex with so maybe if she's in this relationship long enough, she can develop something where she learns to tolerate it more. And again, it's quite all right if you are completely asexual and you never want it. That's fine. Does my fiance think I like going to Whole Foods every Sunday?

No, but I tolerate it. You didn't tolerate it. Can you take an asexual person? Is it like someone who's like, you know what? I don't like olives, but I've it. You tolerate it. It worked out. Yeah. Yeah, is it like, can you take an asexual person? Is it like someone who's like, you know what? I don't like olives, but I've been eating a little bit, and now I've trained myself to enjoy it. Certainly, sex is better than olives. Can you do that with sex?

Can you grow to learn to like sex? Yeah. It seems possible. This is why we need to have some sort of a sexual therapist or expert on our show. Yeah, but we can only answer what we could do, which is, one, I would say let the person have some sort of a sexual therapist or expert on our show. Yeah. But we can only answer what we could do, which is, one, I would say let the person know up front. And I'm sure there's like, if not an app, then at least a message board or community where you can meet other like-minded asexual people.

And then you don't have to worry about what the other person's thinking because they're just like you. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. What about an asexual love story? Wouldn't that be an interesting rom-com? That would be.

Yeah. You guys want to tag team it? Yeah, that's a cool idea. Go far away on the script? Yeah. Google Docs, what do you guys think? Yeah, yeah. Let's do a shared doc.

We'll bust out the outline real quick. This is our story to tell, so at the end they'll fuck it up. What were we missing this whole time? Big spurts. Oh, you thick, rich spurts. Thick, rich spurts. We liked it the whole time. The credits is just like sploosh and then

a name for it. Sploosh. Name for it. Anyway, Donatello does machines so that's our favorite. Let us know what you think. Alright, Phil and Mike. This was fun. Thank you guys for having think. All right, Phil and Mike, this was fun. Thank you guys for having us. Thanks for having us.

Where can our fans find you guys? I'm at Phil or Philip on all this stuff, Twitter, et cetera. Phil or Philip. Phil or Philip with one L on that back end, Philip. Really? Very nice. Is that a choice your parents made? Yep.

There's also Phil or Philip with IPs and UPs, right? Oh, I've never seen a UP before. I knew a Philip growing up. With a UP? Maybe that's just how I pronounced it. Philip. Quiet, Philip. There's also an F-Y-L-Y-P, right?

Yeah. You could spin it however you want, but guys, just to drive it home again, that's at Phil or Phillip. I follow you on Twitter and it's a very enjoyable. Thanks Jake. Great tweeter.

What about Michael? I am, uh, it's at Mike Luciano. That's going to be on Instagram. And then if you go over to the Twitter app, it's going to be at Mike Luciano sup. That's S to be on Instagram. And then if you go over to the Twitter app, it's going to be at Mike Luciano's sup. That's S-U-P.

You can just say sup to me, whatever you want. Interpret it your way. And that's perfect. It's not confusing, which is what I love about it. At straightforward, Mike Luciano's sup. Thanks to everybody that wrote in, including the theme song submitters. At the top, What was that person?

Oh, Dear Lincoln I like that as a band name It's a good band name And this closing one is Zach and Adam Who make music as Azure A-Z-U-R

That one's not as good And then you can go to Soundcloud.com Slash We Are Azure Of course there's no E At the end of Azure When they spell it in their band. Are you azur? I'm absolutely certain, at the very least.

All right, so thanks, Zach and Adam and dear Lincoln and Phil and Mike. Thanks, guys. Adios, amigos. Nice. We'll be back next week. Bye. Two cultures are here to alleviate your fears. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Sometimes it pretty hurts. Pretty hurts. Oh shit! That's what we need to do.

Everything's right in the middle. God damn. That's a good start. Yeah! Let it rip! 6-0. You get one point for being a bitch. This one's for the skunk, though.

That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.