Segments - 293: Step Sibling Sex (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

In this episode we discuss bad noises, good jelly, and our live show at UCB Theatre on September 27!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. welcome to if i were you the show with jake and amir these two funny guys give you advice for your quandaries they're a listening ear would it kill you to take some advice? No! Well actually if your answer involves a Starbucks it might I promise to be nice

Well unless your question makes you come across like a jackass or something All right. Loved it. You called it basic during the recording. What are you talking about? You said, ukulele, can you get more basic? I didn't say that. Didn't he? You're putting words in my mouth.

You said that the A minor in the chorus was sharp. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it being sharp. Do you have perfect pitch? I do have perfect pitch. Alright, let's hear it. Give me any fucking note. C. C! Give me another one. G. G!

Same note. No, no. C. G. Same note. No. C. G. Very different. C. G. Now you've changed it. A. C. G. B minor.

I can also do tabs. Jeffrey James in the house. He's back. Who wrote the song? Melissa Fletcher. And what's her band camp? Her SoundCloud is Skelbees. S-K-E-L-B-E-E-S. Very nice.

Thank you for the tune. Jeff, thoughts? I liked it a lot. It reminded me of Ingrid Michaelson. Who? Never mind. I love it. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's, what is it? We'll buy our, we'll buy fancy sweaters and learn how to dance. Yeah. Yeah. There's like, let's all get, let's all sell our parents, get rich and live in the south of France. Yeah.

Let's get cash and just get a cash advance. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. You never see a rapper with a uke fucking two chains being like... I think Lil Wayne plays the oboe. Really? Yeah.

Oh, no. And Birdman does like tambourine shit. Really? So they have sort of like... Yeah. They do like a Mumford and Sons song. Look at that. Future has a triangle, it just says on Wikipedia.

That's the only thing it says on the front page of Wikipedia. Really? Yeah, it says future has a triangle. That's crazy. That's not barely an instrument. It's just hitting the little. Right. Gucci Mane has one of those little, like, it looks like a fish and you scrape a wooden.

What's that called? Yes. The wooden scale. Yeah. I saw a Busta Rhymes concert once And he legit had an accordion No shit Like Weird Al

Where's Weird Al What? Where's Weird Al Nevermind Alright awesome Jeff how many times have you been on the show at this point? One and a half One full and then the interns episode

Was that real? What about the live episodes though? Oh then three and a half Oh, one full and then the interns episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, is that real? Yeah. Oh, what about the live episodes, though? Oh, then three and a half. Yeah. But what if you don't include that, the live one? Or don't include the one you were on? Then zero.

No. So include the live one, include the half. Don't include the first one that you were actually on. Then two and a half. Awesome. Two and a half. This is your third and a half. Awesome. Two and a half. This is your third and a half. This is such a weird game.

I've been on 293, motherfucker. It's your show. Of course. I've only been on 290. No. Really? I think I missed. There was at least once where you recorded a two-parter with Ben.

I don't know if it was a two-parter. Really? Yeah, I think it was a one-parter. Oh, so I've only missed one? Yeah. You should do one without me. All right. We'll even the score.

Maybe episode 299 or 300. I'll take an E. Do you guys have any special plans for 300 or do you not want to give them away? We don't want to give them away. You don't have any plans. We don't want to give away that we don't have any plans.

And now we have. So you get the gist. This is an advice show. Obviously, people will email us in. If I reshow at gmail.com. It's not all just theme songs. Sometimes people are seeking our wisdom, our guidance. Now we got a friend in the house, Jeffrey James.

Sophomore at USC? Rising junior? Junior. Junior. Are you going to be done in three years? No, I'm going to be done next fall. Wow. What are you going to do when you graduate?

I feel like you haven't lined up anything. I'm going to move back to Cleveland and give up the dream. Awesome. Before you even try for the dream? You know what? I've given it the old college try. Literally. I guess just the college try, but not the post-college try.

What about the post-grad try? I feel like if it was going to happen for you, it would have happened by age 19. Crazy. Well, it is sort of happening. Yeah. He's leading our YouTube. Kind of. Yeah.

But you think about where you were at 19. He's the head writer of HeadGum. Yeah. But when I was 19, I pretty much had all my shit together. Yeah. Yeah. You still had braces when you were 19. Yeah.

I was orthodontically challenged, but career-wise, I was set on a path forward. Right. Of course. Just a stone's throw from any sort of writer's room. That's right. What were you doing at 19? I was living alone as a sophomore in college. Living alone?

Solo, dolo, no roommate? No, I had roommates. It just felt so lonely. It felt like I was alone by myself. I actually shared a room did you ever share a room with someone yeah after college uh not after college yeah you forget that you share rooms have you ever shared a room room yeah uh not in college though i took classes at sc uh or like as in high school and i had a roommate and then i had a single my freshman year

of college which was awesome that's the it's so funny like i live in a roommate and then I had a single my freshman year of college, which was awesome. It's so funny, I live in a house and you said single freshman year of college and I was like, dope! It's so good that it still sounds good to me as a 32-year-old. You have a mortgage and you think it's awesome. I have many rooms I could go and buy myself.

Jake has to share a bed. You can do whatever you want in your bed. You can get crumbs in it. And it's a twin extra long. Did you have a twin extra long? I had a twin XL, yeah. But sorry, did you say you could get crumbs in it? That's a plus for you to have that freedom? You can do that now, buddy. Nah, I'd feel bad. I feel bad. You should, I guess. You should have felt bad doing it in college, too. Yeah, I do. All right, let's answer this question from a guy who has a question about stepsisters.

And it's not what you think about. Get your head out of the gutter, Jeff. He's not trying to bang her. What do you got? Stepsister. A guy who has a stepsister. What's his name? Can I have a prompt?

Okay. Maybe a theme for this episode Cool Fred Flintstone Yeah Oh, so it's Fred Flintstone Well, that's the theme Fine, Flintstone

No All right, how about Mesozoic era? Oh, that's beautiful All right That's actually really interesting You can go all the way to Ottoman Let's do Lance I like that

You rarely meet a bad Lance It's a name and something you can do to a boil So that's pretty good You rarely see that Lance writes Long time listener, first time caller And I am baller Here's my problem

My soon to be stepsister and I Are going to a music festival this weekend That our parents set up. While we're there, we're going to be staying in a hotel room together overnight, just like we were talking about. My question is, is it considered incest if we were to have sex? So you said it wasn't what we were thinking about. Yeah. It's kind of the only thing you could think about.

My parents aren't married yet, and even if they were, we're not blood related. I'm a 20-year-old dude from South Carolina, huge fan of the show. Love, Lance. Lance. I feel like she's about to be your sister, so you're not going to forget it. It's not like they get married and then you didn't have sex and then it's starting anew. You're not going to beat your parents to the marriage yeah like you'll have sex before they're married but you know you can't like make what you're doing okay right the only thing they could do is elope and then beat them to the punch

yeah like oh wow mom dad if you guys marry each other you just you're the weird ones you're supposed to be like... In-laws. I don't know. Maybe on the drive back from this music festival, they stop by a court, they get the papers done. A courtyard Marriott. For the...

The honeymoon is a courtyard Marriott. Do you have any steps? Are your parents together? Do you have any step-siblings? I don't know what the relationship is like. Does it really feel like strangers? Or does it feel like siblings? I feel like it would depend when the marriage happened. Because I think...

And if she's... Because Riley, I think, has step-siblings. And I was talking to her about it just because I know her brother. Right. But they're very close from what I've seen. Just because they grew up together, I think. So it depends on when. Yeah, yeah. If you're 20 years old, maybe you wouldn't be close with your stepsister or any sibling for that matter.

It almost feels like if you meet your step-sibling when you guys are both 20, you have to fuck them. Right. It's just too hot. It's also a music festival. So you're bumping and grinding. You're dancing the night away. You're rolling on Molly. Because my first inclination was like, step sister, don't do that.

That's gross. But at the same time, this is a new girl in his life. And her mom just happens to be marrying his dad or whatever. You're not going to spend that much time with this person if you're on the holidays. Right. Also, I don't think it's wrong. Because as soon as you started this question, you said this is hot. Yeah.

I was thinking it was hot. Of course. There's like many, many porn sites literally dedicated to step-siblings fucking each other. But you can't use porn as a moral barometer. I'm just saying it's... I'm not saying it's moral. I'm saying it's hot. Ass.

You're bleeding everywhere. I just think that it's net fine. 100% fine? 100% fine. Really? I don't know what the legal definition of incest is, but it's definitely, like, if you're not blood and your parents aren't married, you have, like, the strangers. Yeah. It's a green light there.

It's doing something that your parents wouldn't like, but you're probably going to do drugs at the festival. Your parents wouldn't like that either. An answer from the internet. Your stepsister, by definition, is one who is not related by blood to you. You are only related through marriage. Therefore, there is no legal, moral, or ethical reason for you to marry.

Boom. Wait. Because this was last weekend and they are fucking. Wait, no legal, moral, or ethical reason for you to marry? Doesn't it seem like... To not get married. To not marry. Yeah, to not get married.

I mean, that probably just pulled from a... Got it, a typo. It is not incest. That would require her to be your half-sister. I would say the only thing you have to know is that you have to be okay with the fact that seven, eight years down the line, if you're at a family event, you just will know that you fucked at a certain point, which is fine. Yeah, which would be great.

Yeah, it would be good. Yeah. That's nice. If anything, you just have to know that a couple years down the line at a family reunion, it'll be awesome. So are we all going on board with saying it's okay? I think it's fine. I think it's it's okay? I think it's fine. I think it's more than fine. I think it's hot.

It goes bad, fine, hot. And then good. And good is better than hot. Good is better than hot. I think it's not 100% fine, but it's 90% fine. Yeah. And how hot do you think it is? The gap from 90 to

100 is the hotness, though. The amorality of it is hot. Which makes it good. Yeah. And how hot do you think it is? The gap from 90 to 100 is the hotness, though. The amorality of it is hot. Which makes it good. Yeah. Then you're good. Hold on. I'm going to post these charts to our website so everybody can follow along. I mean, is it A-okay?

No. It's not A-okay. But it's definitely B-okay. But it's sexy, which makes it fine, which makes it hot, which makes it good. It's B-plus okay. It's not 100% okay. Yeah, I think it's a little under 100%. Perfect.

It's a little under perfectly fine. I think it's imperfectly fine. Yeah. It's like, it's not 100% good, which is great. The worst is like twin brothers fucking each other. Right. Whoa, I was kidding. You said right.

Don't try to catch people by saying something, asserting something that they're agreeing with you. The worst is twin brothers fucking each other? Yeah, why is that worse than a twin brother and sister? Because you didn't say stepbrothers. That's actual incest. Right, but why is that worse than heterosex? He did just catch me being a homophobe.

But I really hate how backwards it was. I know, that is not fair. That is so not fair. I like catching you. It's gotcha journalism. Yeah, well, the worst is two grandmas scissoring each other. You mean the scissor sisters? Unrelated, but both grandmothers.

They're both unrelated to each other. I just think it's nasty. Who are the Pointer Sisters? Yeah, they were grandmothers that scissored. Yeah, there was like this R&B group in the 70s. I don't trust anything you've looked up on your computer so far now. You're on StumbleUpon. Hot StumbleUpon.

All right, let's go to the next question because I'm frankly so disgusted. Jesus. This one's so disgusted. Jesus. This one's about grape jelly. Ooh. What do you got for a guy's name? Let's go Rance. Nice. I see the theme.

You're backing into the theme. And it's not me, babe. Rance Priebus? That's right. Rance Priebus? Reince? Oh, yeah, no. Reince.

I know Reince. I don't know Rance. I don't know. Rance Grievous? Reince? Oh, Reince. Yeah, no. Reince. I know Reince. I don't know Rance. I don't know a Rance. I'm a 23-year-old dude, and I work in kind of an office job with about 25 people, and thankfully, I do enjoy my coworkers. Here's the problem. Just today, I was walking past the break room to the bathroom so I could wash my hands before lunch.

Excuse me. Jesus. What catches my eye, you may ask? A person using my grape jelly for his sandwich. How do I know it was mine? Because I was the only person who had grape jelly in the fridge and my name on the front of it. Simple enough, right? Just confront him about using it? I don't think so, comrades. He's the owner of the company. I don't mind my condiments being used by a co-worker, but do

me the pleasure and decency of asking for permission. Do I confront him? Am I making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be? He beat me in our company's fantasy football league this week by a single point. Is he taking advantage of that by mocking me openly? Help! Love rants. He's so less than...

But yeah, first of all, you said, I don't mind my coworkers using my condiments. Yes, you do. That's what this entire question is about. He just wants to be asked for permission. By the boss? Yeah, by the boss. Because you're the boss, you get to take the jelly? You think that the boss is... I mean, he also thinks the boss is openly mocking him? No, that's a little too much, obviously. Rubbing this jelly on his bread and in my face. What kind of sandwich is this guy making that he has grape jelly in the fridge?

Peanut butter and jelly. But like, so like this boss is like, I got to make a PB&J, I just don't have the jelly. I guess so. Here's the thing though, there are certain things in like a community fridge that just should be for everyone if you buy it, because how much jelly is he using? He needs it to last the calendar year. I have the same exact thought, and I feel like jelly is in between mayonnaise and turkey meat.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. If I'm looking through the fridge, you don't think twice about asking whose mustard is whose, right? But do you think twice about whose jelly? I think jelly is one of those. It's a specialty product. It's a gray area.

I mean, he even calls it a condiment. I think condiments are on the table. Yeah. Literally. I think I'm going to take off. Why? Of course. I'm having fun.

You're drinking a cup of jelly. Well, you know what? I feel like I would going to take off. Why? Of course. I'm having fun. You're drinking a cup of jelly. Well, you know what? I feel like I can't help but feel subtweeted. Live subtweeted. Can you imagine a squeezable plastic jar or one of those nice little mason ones with like the plaid red tops at the top? I don't know why, but the first mental image was Heinz Easy Squirt. Of grape jelly? Yeah.

They have that? Hmm? If that's what it is, then this guy needs to shut the fuck up. Heinz Easy Squirt jelly. You putting grape jelly on anything, Jeff? No, I haven't used jelly. Well, actually, the last time I had jelly was at Grand Central with that new PB&J spot. But before that, I can't remember.

Oh, wow. Look at this Easy Squirt. It's not even grape. It just says funky purple. I think it's actually ketchup. Oh, and. Look at this easy skirt. It's not even grape. It just says funky purple. I think it's actually ketchup. Oh, and it's just purple colored? Yeah. Oh, that's kind of fun.

Well, look, blue ketchup. All right, focus, buddy. This is really neat. Imagine putting blue ketchup on French fries. I guess this is the kind of focus this question deserves. Purple. You are so deep in Google image searches on purple ketchup. That's not fun.

It's silly. It looks like gack. It's offbeat. Do they have red ketchup? What? Do they have red ketchup? They don't. Oh.

But they got green beans. And they have red jelly. Not the kind you think. All right. So I'll confront the boss or let it go. You wouldn't confront, I wouldn't confront a single person. Just put your jelly in the back of the fridge Yeah

Or in your desk Or just buy a jelly for the fridge And one for yourself You think the boss saw the guy's name And he's like alright fine Jelly's still up for grabs It's a communal fridge So he just didn't care

I think the most egregious thing you can do And this used to happen in our office. People actually do this, right? A sandwich would be made and someone would eat a sandwich. Yeah. That's insane. That's, yeah. That's like fucking crazy.

I thought it was up for grabs. I didn't know it was someone's sandwich. Just because it said Blair on it on the paper bag that the sandwich was in and it was custom made for Blair. I really would, I would pay to know who,

just like, just to know who did it all those years because it happened over and over. I think it was the same person. I think there was somebody

that has so little respect for people's property that was like, whatever. It's a fucking sandwich. It's a sandwich, relax. It's not a fucking sandwich. It wasn't even that good. It's a sandwich. Relax. It's not a fucking sandwich. It wasn't even that good.

It's a full meal. Just chill. It's just an entire lunch. It's just your cash in sandwich form and I ate it and I stole money and food. Christ.

If you want, I'll give you like a little ranch sauce on the side. I also wonder how often somebody just like lost a sandwich or forgot to bring it to work and still wrote an angry email. My name was freaking on it.

It was egg salad. Yeah. And I don't even care. I just want to know who you are because you owe me 10 bucks. All right. And then you go home and you see the egg salad sandwich. Yeah. And then no one writes an apology email.

Hey, I forgot. Just a heads up, everyone. The egg salad was safe and sound at my house. I'm going to bring it in tomorrow. It's going to be in the fridge. Don't eat it. Remember my cake email where my mom got me cake? My mom delivered cake to the old college humor office in New York,

and I put it in the fridge, and people helped themselves. Was it for your birthday or just in general? It was for your birthday or I thought it was a Jewish holiday. Like, yeah, maybe it was Jewish New Year. And Amir wrote like an all email saying like, hey, there's cake in the kitchen. Help yourselves. Happy Jewish New Year. And then like later that night, the cake was gone. You wrote back.

Wait, yeah. Can you pull it up? I don't know if I saw it. Cause I don't know if it was a Gmail. I think it was. College humor. Cause you did it again, like recently, like a year or two ago after we left. You responded to that thread? I responded basically like every four months for like... Oh, wow. I do have it.

September. It was. Can we read through this? All right. This is September 30th, 2008. Wow. Which is nine years ago. In honor of the Jewish New Year, my mom sent me two cakes.

I put the first one in the kitchen now. Obama wasn't even elected yet. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry. Don't get me so excited thinking about that time and place. In honor of the Jewish New Year, my mom sent me two cakes. I put the first one in the kitchen.

P.S. Remember, Jews first. When we're done, the rest of you may have our crumbs. So that was the email saying everyone can have... That was very 2008 humor, too. Yeah. Classic. Classic. Now I'm trying to find the responses because i think it was a different jeff why don't you tell a joke while i look i think i think all all all like what the

fuck what am i saying all emails or reply all emails are just that no one responds to are some of the funniest emails like i i'm in a thesis class right now and the ta like sent this thing saying like hey i'm selling some stuff that I had back when I was in 310. And then 15 minutes later was like, oh, somebody picked it up for $25. Thanks a lot. And then I replied all three hours later. And I was like, $25 is petty cash. I'll offer you like 13-fold check or something.

And then no one responded. Did anyone acknowledge it? Not even in person? Nope. I found it. Did you feel more satisfied? More satisfied. Satisfied is a nice... That's a fun word. Satisfied.

Like, this case is closed and I'm unhappy. Are you satisfied? After OJ. Yeah. At least I don't have to think about it anymore. All right. So the cake email was actually sent in January. I said, my mom sent me a cake for my birthday.

Feel free to take a slice or two or three. And then. In January of what year? 2009. And then later that day I wrote. After Obama's inauguration. Yeah, completely different. Hey guys, I don't know who sent the last email, but it was not me.

I really, really needed the whole cake. Who ate some? It was a gift. I want to know who ate some of the cake because it was a gift and I need the whole cake. Then in February, a month later, I wrote, Hey guys, it's been four weeks since I got the cake and nobody's fessed up. My mom comes into town tomorrow, still eager to find out who has eaten some. Just to recap, I want to know who ate some cake. It was a gift and I need the whole thing. Then I wrote an email

in March, a month ago, or a month later. Hey guys, me again, lol. For serious though, it's been a month since my last electro mail about El Cake, the cake. Jesus. Super, super quick recap because I'm already wasting your guys' time. But the basic gist is my mom sent me a cake. I want to know who ate some. So this is where I am on this. Basically, it's not a big deal. They know where you are on this. It's not a big deal. It also is a big deal. And don't say LOL, but for serious.

A month later in April, I write, my mom sent me a cake on my birthday, and some of you ate the cake. I really, really, really need, not want, but need to know who ate some of the cake, because the cake was a gift. And then, in huge block letters, to those of you who thought the above sentences

were major TLDNR, and I agree, I only wrote them because I wanted to know who ate my cake, read the simple statement below, which is longer than that. I don't give a shit about stuff like this usually, you guys know me, but three months ago my mom sent me a cake for my birthday, and some of you ate the cake, and I really, really need, not want, but need to know who ate some of the cake the TLDR is the same as the top I don't give a shit about anything, you guys know that lol ok, enough from this cake weirdo but if you ate the cake, let me know

because it was a, lol, you get it it was a gift from my mom and I need to know who ate some of it attached is a picture of me right now So you know it's me writing the email And it's like a very darkly lit In bed It's so sad

I should respond to this email now But I don't think This is sent to like Creative at collegehumor.com Right Didn't you I think there was like more That you sent

Just to our personal Gmail at some point. Right. Later about the cake. Yeah. You can also, I think reply on that thread to new emails. That's true.

So just reply all and then add the emails. Yeah. Hey guys, eight years later, still thinking about the cake. All right. It's time to take a break A break from cake We'll be back with more questions and stuff

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. We have a live show coming up in LA. Yeah. Oh, shit. What is that?

What's the deal? So it's a- Give me the quick 20-minute pitch. The quick 20-minute pitch. Start from the way top. Got it. So you want me to end first. Let's do the whole show.

Right now. All right. Jeffrey the Dumbass's one man show. Yeah. So what is it? It's Headroom Live. Yeah.

So it's a few months ago I came to like Jake and Amir and I was like, hey, like maybe we should like look into or it'd be cool

if we did like a variety show allowed the podcasters to have some kind of space maybe at UCB. They shot me down with flying colors. We we were satisfied by that i remember that we stood we sat quietly and then started barking at jeff till he left the room it was insane uh you also had shock collars on and as you were barking you were being electrocuted which right made it somehow i guess more intimidating yeah stuff like that yeah oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, stuff like that. Yeah. It's on September 27th. It's like a variety show. We're doing sketch and a bit show from All Fantasy Everything, sketches from Billy and Adam from No Joke and the Harvard Sailing Team, and then a Jeffrey the Dumbass live type thing. That's Wednesday, September 27th. At UCB Sunset, 10.30pm.

Tickets available at UCBtheater.com. Us three, Billy and Adam, Ian Carmel, and a couple of his buddies as well. So it's going to be a fun show. And the room isn't that big. It's only 85 seats. The artistic assistant got back to me.

I think we're at 48 out of 90. Holy shit. Over 50% gone. Before we even talked about it on this show. So there's a chance they're already sold out because I'm gonna blast, absolutely blast Vine.

Vine Street. I'm gonna go to Hollywood and Vine and bust. Wearing a duster, hold up a boombox, say anything style and just play this clip. Fromaring a duster, hold up a boombox, say anything style, and just play this clip. Trench coat. From an MP3 player that's on a USB drive, plugged into the back of the stereo. Once this finishes, I'm just going to play NPR's All Songs Considered.

But only the talking tracks. Cutting out every single song. I had a pitch for a podcast. Okay. All Thongs Considered. Huh? cutting out every single song i had a pitch for a podcast okay all thongs considered huh so it's just people waxing philosophical about their various sexual encounters and different oh so not having a lot to do with thongs just like the sex part like after the underwear is off how is this unclear you shouldn't ever say that in a pitch. Don't ever react that way to a follow-up question with a twist. It was a tight 20 pitch seconds, right? I made my point and you don't get it?

Just a simple pass. That's not a buying question either. I'll tolerate buying questions. You're poking holes in it is all. Sign on the dotted line and then we'll talk. No, yeah, just all thongs considered and you're just, you know. We are trying to get you to start a podcast. I do hate that one, but

if anybody has any ideas, tweet at Jeff. I think it's tweet at Jeff. I am Jeffrey James. The thinnest developed idea, but the strongest in its core. Sex sells. Sex sells, especially when it's very detailed, graphic, and specific to the person's name. So if I were to say

Liza Minnelli. Liza Minnelli, yeah. She's my first. You say that and then you go into it. She's your first? What do you mean your first? Oh, I lost my virginity to Liza Minnelli. Had I not told you that story? It would be funny

to start with that pull quote before this episode starts. So it'll be that line and then we'll get into the episode. So I was catching an LA Phil concert at the Hollywood Bowl, 2013 actually, my first time in LA. And she pegged me on stage. Much to the chagrin of the entire orchestra. Liza Minnelli, still alive. Yeah. yeah amazing and she is just as beautiful as the day you fucked her yeah i mean my god wasn't that long ago that's fine that's yeah it's not saying

a lot but at the same time it is still a compliment yeah it's not saying anything yeah that's a funny thing to say to someone you have a one-night stand right you wake up in the morning and you stare into your eyes and you say, you're just as beautiful as the day I fucked you. That's kind of, I guess like you could almost, I mean, day I fucked you is not that nice. But like you could argue that like meeting someone drunk and like hooking up with them and then seeing them in the morning

and saying you look just as good sober. Oh, yeah. That is a compliment. All right. So actually say it then. Well, it's just a little tip to lighten the mood. I think it's also good to like maybe, and this, you know, you never want to like, so what I'll do is like the morning after I'll take her out to brunch. Yeah. And then be like, this is great.

We should do this again sometime. And then that's. And then do you? No, of course not. Yeah. her out to brunch yeah and then be like this is great we should do this again sometime and then that's and then do you no of course yeah and i'll but i'll and i don't even ghost though i literally i mean you know i'll set another date don't show up that is so sorry i had that's ghosting i had i had work it went late like you are ghosting and uh no no because i'll talk but then you'll say let's get brunch so you'll never fuck them again, but you'll always get brunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a very, it'll be, I turn it into a working relationship.

So Liza is a friend. That's great. Yeah. Here's an idea for a podcast, Pillow Talk with Jeffrey James. Right. And before each episode, you have sex with your guest. Got it. And then the podcast is recorded in the afterglow.

Okay. Can Will Hines be the first guest? Yeah, of course. He's blowing you right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a teaser ep that they're recording under the couch. And then we'll do Kevin Hines, and then we'll do whoever is CEO of Hines.

Yeah. I think it's John Kerry's wife. Teresa Hines? Yeah. Is it Teresa Hines? Yeah. We'll get Teresa. We'll get Teresa for sure. Teresa Hines, Teresa May. Yeah, and then it'll get Teresa for sure Teresa Hines, Teresa May

Yeah, and then it'll be Teresa Mother Teresa I hear Mother Teresa has a Actually very sordid past And she's not as good as people think Really? I haven't done any research but That's what I hear I just wanted to smear her name a little bit

Through the mud Why do you feel qualified to talk about things when you haven't researched them? I'm just saying. You're always just saying. I'm just speaking out loud here. But somebody with a microphone and the reach like you have shouldn't always just say. Especially if it's slander against a saint. And that's fair.

All right, so let's answer some other questions. Do your own research on Teresa. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's Maybelline. Whatever she did in her past, you're worse. I promise you that. Your present is worse. Wow.

Your present and your future. Ooh, there we go. You're a piece of garbage, man. Gloves are coming off, episode 293. Yeah, you have been wearing fingerless ones this whole episode. I wasn't going to bring it up. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, here's a good one. Long distance relationship question from a man named? Sorrel. Thought I was going to go with Vance. Yeah, Lance, Rance, and Sorrel. The three brothers. Alvin, Simon, Thorrell.

The three horsemen. I imagine all, Thorol. The three horsemen. I imagine all three of these in a very horse voice. Sure. Actually, we do have a question about a horse voice. All right, we'll answer that one next. All right. I've been watching you guys since I was a little kid, and now it's time to earn your keep by helping me out.

Jesus. I met this girl online, and we have been dating for six months. We've met around six and a half months ago, and things are getting complicated. First of all, we live 1,500 miles apart. She's four years younger than me, and she never picks up my calls. Things are just getting complicated. It was all a dream in the beginning. I used to read Word Up magazine.

When she didn't pick up my fucking calls. Then he continues. We are very happy together, but her Wi-Fi is terrible. She doesn't have a phone, and her laptop is as old as dinosaurs. Who the fuck is this guy? We love each other very much, but it's hard never being able to talk to her. I don't want to break up with her, and I would send her down a new laptop or a phone and offer to pay the phone bill, but her parents are very strict, and she still lives at home.

Jesus. I don't know what to do. Please help. Also, she was in Hurricane Irma, and I haven't heard from her in five days. And when I ask her friends, they haven't heard from her either. Should I be worried? He said she's four years younger? Yeah.

It feels like this guy's 15 and she's 11. Yeah, that's what I'm a little worried about. No, he's 44 and she's 40. That explains her bad Wi-Fi and slow laptop. This sounds like an awesome relationship that's just sputtering

a little bit. I want to tell them to power through. We live 1,500 miles away. She's four years younger, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't respond to my texts. But I think that the problem is that her Wi-Fi doesn't go above 15 megs. Also, it sounds like she might be dead. Yeah. All of her friends haven't heard from her.

Problem solved? Ish. Ish. Why are you putting all your eggs in this basket? This 1,600 mile away basket. I want to say you can do better, but after reading this email, I'm not quite sure that's the case. I want to say that this is in a relationship. What?

Doesn't respond to calls. Just because... No, they love each other. Yeah. Just because you never see or talk to somebody. So, I just like... So, they met six months ago, right? Mm-hmm.

What was the last time she responded? When was the last time she picked up the phone? Three months ago. What is it? They love each other Her wifi is bad She lives with her parents She has a low clout score

I beg your charizard I beg your charizard She's in Miami He's in I don't know Cleveland Is that 1500 miles away? The land Windians baby 22 Longest consecutive win streak Cleveland. Is that 1,500 miles away? The Klee. The land. Windians, baby.

Yeah. 22. Well. Longest consecutive win streak. You don't want to. Soon to be longest consecutive. Fuck me. Consecutive. Thong streak.

Well, by the time this comes out, they might have lost already. Hmm. They're playing. To that I say no chance. All right. I heard if you bet $100 on their first win and let the winnings ride every game, you'd have like $6 or $7 million by now. You're goddamn right.

You did that. And I am in the market. So if you guys have any tips. Yeah. Jeff's the only bookie that'll take bets on previous games. And hedge them, too. And you've never won. You've said you promise not to look. It's about releasing yourself from the outcome, Blumenfeld.

I guess. All right, don't be with her. She's far away and doesn't know you, doesn't respect you, doesn't answer your calls, doesn't have internet. Also, and you know what? This might be a hot take, but don't date people that are in hurricane zones. What? Florida. The entire eastern seaboard.

Absolutely. And the south. I mean, this is... Bringing it back to Lance, he was from South Carolina. Yeah. Don't date Lance. Really?

Yeah. So you think you should only be... You're only dateable if you're like Kentucky West? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Or if you're not... You've seen the movie Francis, huh? No.

Got it. That's what you would have said. Yeah. Actually, I have seen that movie. Oh, okay. Nice. Undateable? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But I would date Gerwig. In a fucking heartbeat. Yeah, she's a fucking celebrity, of course, dude. Which is why I'm pitching the sequel, Francis Ha Ha Ha. It's me and Gerwig three hours. Shouldn't that be the third in the pitching the sequel, Francis Ha Ha Ha. It's me and Gerwig

three hours. Shouldn't that be the third in the trilogy? Francis Ha Ha. It's a crashing type story where she's trying to become a stand-up in New York City. That's a nice idea. Last question. This one comes from a lady. I want you

to name her, and it could be anything you want. Alright. So we got Lance, we got R it could be anything you want. All right. So we got Lance. We got Rance. We got Sorrel. Thorrell. Thorrell? Let's go with Marfa.

It's like Martha, but with like a little bit of a fff. Well, it sounds like a lot of a fff. It's like a little bit of a, like, you know, instead of Martha, it's Marfa.

Yeah, I know. It's like Prada Marfa. Yeah, the installation in Marfa, Texas. Yeah, like, you know, instead of Martha, it's Marpa. Yeah, I know. It's like Prada Marfa. Yeah, yeah. The art installation in Marpa, Texas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. We should do the podcast festival in Marpa. I don't think there is one. Hmm?

I'm in quite a sticky situation. I have a coworker who keeps clearing his throat every minute. He was sitting behind me so I could still block, much like the phlegm blocking his throat, his annoying noise with my music. But we rearranged our seats and now I'm sitting next to him.

How can I say that his noise is kind of annoying? Can I ask the HR to be assigned somewhere else? Help me, please. It's driving me crazy. Love, Marfa. Marfa.

I feel this. Do you have any noises that you hate? Yeah. I live on the same street as a fire station. I was talking to Jake. You asshole. You looked at me. I'm glad you asked.

I hate fire truck noises. Oh, yeah. That's cool. All right. This is the end of our episode. Thanks for listening. I'm unique. I'm unique. I'm the you asked. I hate fire truck noises. Oh, yeah, that's cool. All right, this is the end of our episode. Thanks for listening. I'm unique. I'm unique.

I'm the most cool. Woo! Sorry, what was that? Right answer. Was that the right answer? It was the bread answer. You get to eat bread on the podcast. Ah-ha-ha!

Yeah, I'd like to just take this. I'd like to take this opportunity to plug Bread Lounge. Oh, why? It's the best lunch spot in Los Angeles. It's so bad. It's very good. You haven't had the cheesy affair, Panini? It's quite average.

The pomegranate beet salad. It's too bready. I emailed Bread Lounge in, nary three months ago. You asked to be the bread ambassador. The brand ambassador. Brand ambassador for Bread Lounge. I made a pitch, Nary a response. And so I've been following up every two weeks.

And, you know, after three... Following up every two weeks? Every two weeks. You're goddamn right. Do they have a Twitter? They do. Not. Have you tried tweeting at them?

Well, I don't have the clout. I don't have the check. So I feel like people don't, you know... They're not gonna... I want them to think that I'm bigger than I am. Yeah. To be a bread ambassador. They haven't tweeted in a year and a half.

That's the other thing. I don't know how many social media presence they have. Because I could be the social media manager. Right. I could be the social media manager. No problem. I don't want that. This is you talking to a clerk.

Like, anyway, did you want a panini or not? Yeah, I'll have the cheesy affair and a Snapple. Also, I made a vision board. There's just a long line of customers, sir. Yeah, I want to get a Rolex by the end of the year, hopefully from profits of being a bread ambassador. What is your least favorite noise? The noise you hate?

The silence of not receiving an email notification from Bread Lounge to be the official bread ambassador. What a specific reference. No. Yeah, I live on the same street as a fire station. And, like, it'll drive down my, like, very residential street. And, like, fine, have the sirens on because they're about to go to, like, Vermont, which is, like, a bigger street. But, like, you don't have to honk. It's the honking that pisses

me off it's like i'm like shut up yeah i do hate honking yeah also any truck accelerating pisses me off what do you mean truck like like a like a big truck when it's accelerating it's obviously having to pull so much weight but you can hear the strain on the engine it's just like like like also when we're shooting videos like this is a bad street to shoot on yeah it pisses me off yeah i i don't like when children cry and i guess that makes me a nice sensitive guy and you just know it doesn't like a honk actually what you said makes you an awful person no no i don't like here i like to make them happy fucking makes me no that's not it every time I hear a fucking you're twisting shut that baby up this is a fucking bus

I don't want to hear that I don't like them smiling or laughing either I got on the bus to clear my mind it almost depends on your mood like sometimes

all noises are fine and then sometimes they all suck yeah that's very true you don't like the noise of that door over here. What door? The squeaky door to get out from the door. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. You just reacted. Yeah. I mean, I don't like the sound of like metal. But that's like not just like a, it's like a feeling. That's like everything. No, but like when somebody else does it, you're like, don't open the door that way. Yeah, yeah.

That's a noise thing. It's not high pitched. I guess so. But it's like I can feel it't open the door that way. Yeah, yeah. That's a noise thing. It's not high-pitched. I guess so. But it's like, I can feel it in my skin, the scrape. Yeah. I don't know. Do you guys hate the chewing thing? A lot of people don't like the chewing, like hearing popcorn or hearing somebody chew on a sandwich, like wet bread.

I don't mind chewing. I think that's fine, especially if it's like a sandwich from Bread Lounge. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I think that this lady should talk to HR. That's like a no-brainer.ounge. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I think that this lady should talk to HR. That's like a no-brainer. Yeah. Yeah. Like, this is what HR is there for.

This thing is like half this guy's fault, half the not. Like, he can almost be like, I can't control it, but even though he kind of can, so you don't want to like... You just clearly shouldn't sit next to this guy. Or be like really passive-aggressive. Just bring him throat coat tea, put it on his desk, slam it down. Mucinex. Yeah, yeah. Halls. Zyrtec. Oh yeah.

Prescription pills with the label taken off. Banaca. Baklava. What's that? It's like a Ukrainian dish. Oh yeah, baklava. Huh? What about binoclava? So it's a spray and it just fills your mouth

If that's all we got I'm going to cut out early I was just getting started with the idea That's why I think the podcast is over But if you guys want to talk about Binocula What if it's binocula And you're just looking at baklava Or baklava

Baklava through binoculars Oh so it's like binocular Banacula What if it's so hot that the baklava? Yeah, baklava. Baklava through binoculars. Oh, so it's like binocular banaklava. What if it's so hot that the baklava is like lava and you're looking at it through binoculars? So you're talking about binocular lava binocula. Or you bring your own chocolate lava cake to kava. Oh, that's good.

A choco lava to kava binocular binocula. A choco taco for a guy named Rocco. Does this have anything to do with the binocula?ocular a choco taco for a guy named rocco any does this have anything to do with the binocular uh no but i did have a pitch for a vampire weekend song oh okay innocuous binoculars very nice yeah and how would it go Enough! Right? Wow.

Leave the songwriting to Koenig and Batman Glitch. Who? The two songwriters for the goddamn band! Vampire and Weekend! Batman Glitch. Yeah. Insane that that's his last name. You also almost went into the song that's like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Yeah, you want a sample. Insane. A little circus sample. I don't appreciate the thought or the attempt. All right, well, talk to HR. C for effort. Yeah, that's a good name for a band, too. Yeah, C. Well, talk to HR. C for effort. Yeah. That's a good name for a band too. Yeah.

C for effort or talk to HR. Yeah. Oh, talk to HR is the advice. C for effort is the name of the band. Binocula is the idea. And I think that's everything. Yeah. Ciao.

We hit it all. If you got your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send it all to ifireashow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Melissa. This closing one is a Nirvana parody. Oh, let me look up who it is. That's what's up. And in the meantime, while you're looking that up, if you can't get enough of the three of us, subscribe to the HeadGum YouTube.

Absolutely subscribe. That's a good one. Yeah, we've been doing some fun stuff. We've introduced a new character. We have. We have Jeffrey the Dumbass, and now we have Man George. I don't know why or new character. We have. We have Jeffrey the Dumbass and now we have Man George. Yeah. I don't know why or how,

but we have. Can I ask you guys this? Were you, like, being in, like, I don't know, like,

my age, did you ever think that at your age at this point you'd be doing videos with two people whose characters' names are Jeffrey the Dumbass and Man George?

Jeffrey the Dumbass, yeah, I couldn't have ever imagined Man George. Yeah. But I had, I have diaries. I still can't believe I'm doing videos with Man George. Yeah the Dumbass, yeah, I couldn't have ever imagined Man George. Yeah. But I had diaries. I still can't believe I'm doing videos

with Man George. Yeah. I mean, what an honor, a thrill. Just a little tricky boy. I'm reading my old Zynga and it references

Jeffrey the Dumbass ad nauseum, but it never even, in his wildest dreams, this 18-year-old talking about Man George. I can't imagine. Here we are.

Thank you for bringing us there. Yeah. Oh, and UCB show. Just, yeah. September 27th. Come check us at the UCB. Closing theme song, the Nirvana parody is written by Joe Kim from Germany.

So thanks, Joe Kim. Thanks, Melissa. Joe Kim Noah from Germany? A German Nirvana cover band is going to be fucking dope. It's an acoustic slight version, so forget it. Set your expectations to chill. I just still think if Grohl could be his drummer, that would make a really cool band.

But like, yeah, this guy. Jeff, thanks for coming back on the show. Yeah, I appreciate it, Amir. Let's make it four and a half next time. It would be. Awesome. Cool. See ya. Your life is so unfair. Your suffering has no end.

You wish that you could share your problems with a friend. This might be a surprise. Please open up your eyes and see you're not alone if I were you the show Amir

and Jake they never lost control you're face to face with if I were you, the show That was a Hate Gum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken,

then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.