Segments - 294: Drunk Texting

Episode Date: September 25, 2017

In this episode we discuss pajamas, will power, and living with your ex.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, I'd listen to this podcast. Jake and the beer. Yeah, Jake and the beer. If I were you, I'd listen to this podcast.

Jake and the beer. I listen to this podcast. Jake and Amir. That's Jake and Amir. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you. It's a podcast. Sit your ass down, put your earphones on. Cozy up tight, it's about to begin. Jake and Amir like to talk a lot. Dishing out beef like a taco spot. Neck bids, breakfast, one night stands. Outro Music Whoa, dude, that was a real band.

We grinded with each other during that. We listened to it twice in the studio, second time grinding on each other. We ground. That was an LA-based band. Fans of the podcast. No shit. Yeah, you know who it was? It was Coast Modern.

We've got cool fans, baby. It's an LA-based alt-rock band. It's, you know, like how things can be post-modern? Yeah. They're Coast Modern. Huh? Huh? They're huge fans of the show, and now I guess be postmodern? Yeah. They're coastmodern. Huh? Huh?

They're huge fans of the show, and now I guess we're huge fans of theirs. That's dope. Their debut album just dropped, and they're on tour right now. Their Instagram handle is great. You can hear it and see it all at coastmodernmusic.com. At coastmodernmusic.com. Yeah, so it's like... On the gram. I love the gram.

I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I am a lot of gram, actually. Really? I really am a lot of gram. I like the name Coast Modern.

Yeah. It's L.A. chic. And actually, I am too. That's true. That's why I thought of the name. You don't look like you're from L.A. Where would you guess I'm from? Yeah, I was thinking.

And what would you guess my name is? So you're a complete stranger to me. I walk up to you and I say. I think your name is Fabrizio. Fabrizio. And you're from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And not Louisiana. Yeah, Baton Rouge, Texas.

I guess you look like you could be from. I got a good one. Probably Seattle. Wow, really? Hipster. Yeah... I got a good one. Probably Seattle. Wow, really? Hipster. Yeah. I got a good one for you. Yeah.

I am Sam from Philadelphia. Sam from Philadelphia? I think you look a little bit too... I'm not like hard-nosed enough to be from Philly. Yeah. You look a little more European than Philadelphia. I guess when I think of Philadelphia, I'm thinking like a white guy with a goatee. Oh, that's good.

Oh, how about this? Sam from Phoenix. Not Phoenix. Because I'm like white and boring a little bit. I also don't think you're Sam. Oh, really? You're Dan from Tallahassee. Dan from Florida?

No. I guess you could look like... This is the weirdest segment of any show. You look like a Simon. Quiet, Simon. You look like a Simon from Grand Rapids. Wow. There's no way I can handle the cold weather. Be-do-be-beep.

Be-do-be-beep. I think I look like a Jake, but I think I look like I'm from Maine. Oh, yeah. I can see Maine. Yeah. You look like you're

Leonard Lamar Bean from Maine, Oregon. All right. Drop it. I was kidding, dude. Yeah. Well. Like your name would be

L.L. Bean is the joke. Yeah. And instead of from Portland, Oregon, you're from Maine, Oregon. If you said it about anybody but me, that's the worst part. That I think it's a great joke, but it stings that you said it about me. So you have really thin skin. You can't joke about it.

I don't have skin. I'm raw. I'm an exposed nerve. And I am sensitive as such. When I even hear the word you directed at me, I start weeping. That actually reminds me of how you went to my childhood dentist the other day. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they exposed some nerves of your own. They told me I have a receding gum line. You think a receding hairline is bad? Let me one-up you. A receding gum line.

At least that one I can comb over with my lips. A little comb that you brush one side of your enamel to the other to help your receding gum line. So what does that mean? Your gums are just getting lower and lower and your teeth are getting bigger and bigger? Yeah. And how do they counteract that? Well, you can't really reverse the gum you've already lost.

Really? That's beautiful. So, well, you can get a gum graft. Of course. Obviously. And I will be getting a Mark McGraw gum graft. It's where you get a little tiny, they make an incision in your anus. Yeah, because it's oddly the same skin.

It's the same kind of tissue. Yeah. They put a little nerve from your ass into your face. The anus and the gum is the same shade of pink. Nothing else matches up. It's this weird

evolutionary coincidence that Darwin discovered when he was eating out. He studied the anus of a penguin. That's right. Yeah, and the Galapagos. And he noticed the- He tossed a penguin salad.

Salad, yeah. And it was like the exact same shade. Because his assistant said, I don't know where your gum begins. And that puffins asshole ends. And that was when he realized that we should get anus graft. Yeah. And then science caught up eventually. Survival of the fascist.

They were very excited that I had a water pick. Yeah, I got you a water pick for your birthday. But they also said that because I hadn't been to the dentist or flossed correctly in a long time, that there was a lot of like hardened, there was just like a lot of shit there that like the water pick probably wasn't doing it doing its job hardened plaque yeah but now that that's gone the water pick is i already notice a world of difference really i don't bleed anymore when i use it great uh flossing doesn't hurt anymore do you go brush floss water pick or what order i go floss brush water pick oh floss first yeah because i feel like i get the big

the big chunks out there yeah with the frost i like i floss then i rinse yeah and then i go brush rinse and then i get what then i water pick and then to get all the all the little stuff it's crazy how you can floss get a ton of shit out of your teeth and then you brush more shit more shit and then you've and More shit. More shit. And then the water pick. So the one thing. Even more shit. One thing I wouldn't do, because you told me that after all that, you do a little chubby bunny challenge with Oreos.

Yeah. So what you're doing, I feel like you're cleaning your teeth really, really well. And then what you're doing is stuffing your mouth with the Oreos. Yeah. And the crumbs. And the crumbs get stuck. I'm going to let you finish, but I follow up by drinking a lot of milk, which is white,

which coats the teeth. And then you go to bed and it's almost like some sort of experiment where you're dropping a tooth in Coca-Cola. I sleep on a sheet of brownies as well. All that stuff is probably no good for it. I love the floss brush water pick combo. But it's the sleeping in sugar part

that's probably not as good for you. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Anyway, this isn't just a teeth advice podcast. This is a general advice podcast. It's called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. Who are you? I'm Sam from Tallahassee, Florida. That's right.

And that's Jake. From Portland, Maine. This is the first podcast we're recording in the Jewish year of 5-7-7-8. What a time to be alive. Year of our Jewish Lord. The year of our Lord the pop singer.

Very good. I like that. Yeah. I hate for it to be a backhanded insult at me or something was it? no way, what are you talking about? it's just I have thin skin so you're just saying something about Lord

I was just making a weird joke not like I like Lord which is fine even if you had if I had what? oh my god, you're so defensive I'm crying a little bit holy shit you must not think anything of yourself I really don't Oh my god. You're so defensive. Sorry, I'm crying a little bit. Holy shit.

You must not think anything of yourself. I really don't. Every inch of you is exposed. Oh yeah. Alright, this is a guy who, um, let's name him Bryce. Okay. Bryce writes.

Bryce writes. When I go to bed, I usually wear the boxers and t-shirt I wore during that day My girlfriend's reckon That's fucked up She says I should have a special night shirt And it's weird for me to wear the same shirt I wore During the day

I prefer to just use a normal system I have in place All my days She's peer pressuring me about it She says I'm a freak for this. What do you reckon? Thanks. Love, Bryce from New Zealand. Huh.

I think it's, I, I sort of do this. I don't sleep in a shirt, but I sleep in my me undies. Shut up. So you, you don't have a special nighttime wardrobe and a daytime wardrobe. I guess I have, I, I I have... I'm an afternoon shower. Oh, really? Yeah, so... Shower pre-dinner?

Yeah. Or post-dinner. Sometimes post-dinner, but yeah. Because I go to the gym usually at the end of the day. So gym, shower, then dinner. So you are wearing a fresh set of clothes. I guess they are fresh. Yeah.

But, I mean, on days when I don't shower, there are some days that I don't... Go to bed. Or when you go to bed in the clothes you wore during the day. Yeah. But I just wear the underwear that I wore during the day. Yeah. I guess a good way to solve this, though, is you could just buy a pair of like bedtime jammy pants.

Yeah. Jammy pants, no shirt. What are you going to wear? What about the full jammies? The fucking shirt, the pajama pants, the silk robe, the slippers, the nightcap. A nightcap. A night hat. A night hat.

That is good. Eye mask, earmuffs, mouth guard. Yeah, airplane pillow. I guess, I mean, I can't imagine sleeping in a shirt. What do you sleep, you sleep in pajama pants. I do this exact same thing.

I do, like in the summertime, I just take my pants off and fall asleep in the shirt that I wore with the underwear that I wore. Do you sleep in a shirt every night?

Yeah, I sleep in a shirt. Not even every night. Sometimes I don't sleep in a shirt, but most of the times I do. I wear the shirt that I wore all day.

Right. Yeah. I think that's fine. Then I wake up, continue to wear that shirt, go home, run, sweat, go to bed, wet, sweat, dirt. Take a shower in the shirt. Fall asleep in the bathtub. Your shirt is so threadbare. Wake up, fall asleep under the sink.

It's cold. I'm scared. I'm wondering where I am. I get up. I eat a sandal. I go to school. School. I eat a waffle.

So matter of fact, you said you sleep in the sink and you eat sandals? I wash my shirt. I wash my face. I brush my tooth. I go to bed. I'm still in the shirt. I'm wearing MeUndies, of course.

Shout out, I guess. But where's the bed? Under the sink? I mean, look. I sleep wearing in the shirt. I'm wearing me undies, of course. Shout out, I guess. But where's the bed? Under the sink? I mean, look, I sleep wearing the same clothes I wore for a year and a half. Yeah, he's just fucking doing that. I eat a sandal. I'm insane, all right? I'm absolute crazy. But I can be, and that's all right, too. I think she's peer pressuring you. Maybe it's... I would say you're not a freak for this.

But I also would be like, alright, fine, I'll wear a fucking sleep shirt. Alright, I'll wear no shirt. I guess it's one of those things where it's weird that you guys are arguing about it. That either of you would take such a firm position. Yeah. Have you ever slept naked? Yeah. I mean, I spend a lot of the time sleeping naked.

Really? But I don't really sleep naked anymore because I like to have my junk tucked. That's a good tuck junk. Back when I wore boxers, I would sleep naked. But now that I wear briefs, I like the... The tug. Yeah. I like the tightness of it. Yeah. What you can do is you can sleep naked. You can tie a little rubber band around your dick. Why?

And then, well, you tie the rubber band around your dick, and then you sort of break open another rubber band, right? So it's like a rubber string. Yeah. And then the rubber band is taut around your shaft. And then you tie the rubber string to the rubber ring basically i know it sounds silly because it rhymes uh and then you tie the other the other side of the string to your tooth so it like it goes from your shaft and then up your back and around your

head and then you tie it to your tooth so it's like really really your dick is tucked really yeah almost to the point that you're fucking your own ass. What? Dude. That's your advice for this guy? What? I said to get jammy shorts or something. Yeah.

And you say that he should tie one rubber band around his shaft, break open another rubber band, and tie that one around the first rubber band, pull it taut through his ass cheeks, up around his head, over his hair, and then tie the other end onto his teeth or tooth. So that's like two different ways you can go about it. I just want to give this kid options. Right.

Because he left me with no options. You never hear about the, you've heard like jokes about, oh, this guy can suck his own dick. Oh, this guy can like do whatever to himself. But you never hear about fucking your own ass. Have you ever heard of, or even thought about fucking your own ass?

I've never thought about it. And that's much more doable is it yeah it's kind of hard to like stick you you'd have it's hard to stick your soft fleshy tip into your anus uh and it's hard to stick your hard tip into your anus because it won't bend right it would have to be a soft long peen but i feel like i never even i don't even thought about it let alone seen it. Google it. Can you fuck your own ass?

If I do, can you fuck your own, what do you think the Google autofill is? Cousin. Oh, that's really good. I'm not even seeing an autofill. Maybe can you fuck? Oh, yeah, when you start writing fuck, I think they don't do like the autobiographic autofill maybe can you fuck can i think oh yeah when you start fighting fuck i think they don't do like yeah they don't graphic autofills yeah they don't can you fuck your own face can you go fuck yourself can you oh self fuck come inside my own ass

oh and that's just the name of your blog. That's just a wiki how. That is. A Yahoo answers thing. Can I do this? Quora search. How? All right, we'll do some more research and get back to you guys. Get your dicks out of your ass. Tyler.

Oh, come on, Tyler. Get your dick out of your ass. Tyler from the Squamacat. Get your dick out of your ass. All right, let's call this guy Rice Rice writes I'm a 19 year old student from Melbourne

Straya represent Okay New Zealand to Straya let's do it Last week I dumped my girlfriend of two years And have been enjoying the single life a lot But the problem is I can't hook up at my house because I still live with her. Oh.

Ha. In the two times I've been with someone, since I had to either go to their house or do the deed in my car, ha. The problem is that I would rather that they just come to my house as I live in a share house with a bunch of 18 to 20 year olds.

And most people my age are in the area still live with their parents, which makes going to their place awkward as hell. How can I bring people home and not upset my ex? Cheers. Get you a guy who can do both. How can I not piss off my ex when I fuck someone else in front of her? Yeah, I think you have two options. Either you don't piss her off or you do. Yeah, I don't think you can convince her not to care.

There's not a chill way. I mean, well, the only... Especially because you dumped her last week of two years. Now you're wondering how to not make her mad that you're fucking in front of her. Yeah. Obviously, that's not good. I mean, you should be worried even about the fucking people in the car. It'll be sad if she finds that out.

She noticed it. It is weird to, even if you were broken up with, sorry, even if you break up with someone, you don't want to see them have sex with anybody. But in theory, you're like completely over that person. You're saying, I don't want to see them have sex with anybody. But in theory, you're like completely over that person. You're saying, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Yeah. But it's still hard to imagine it, let alone see it. It's weird.

I've dumped people and gone out and immediately fucked other people. And then weeks later, heard that my ex was dating somebody. And I'd be like, she moved on so quick. How did she do that? How quickly you forget. Me. We were in love. We were in loathe, mother.

So I get, but like, that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I think you got to just keep on doing this on the low. Don't bring people through until she does. And then you know the floodgates are open. Still living with someone you broke up with. Have you ever done that? When I was in my younger years, I did. When I

got older, I learned my lesson that when you break up, you immediately move out. Yeah, whether you can afford it or not. You crash on a couch. You sleep in a car. You have other places to sleep. You need to go find that. You need to leave. I've done the friend's couches. I've done the Airbnb. I've done the like go home for a week, get out of town for a little bit. Do that. Get out.

The worst thing is to break up with someone and have to see them, let alone have to live with them. Seeing them, you hanging out with other people. And I feel like the way so many couples, you know, you want to make up with somebody. And the way so many people do that is by fucking. So you're going to get, it's a slippery slope to, you know, starting to have sex with your ex again, then getting back together, and then, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no good has come out of... But it sounds like he doesn't live straight up with the ex.

He lives in, like... A shared house. With the ex and others. Yeah, that's interesting. So that's why it's tougher to move out. But you still can. I wonder if that could be an American thing, like a non-collegiate dorm. Is that legal?

Is that lethal? Like, if I just buy an old abandoned dorm and rented it out for $800 a month, all you have is a room and a communal bathroom. People do that. There's like the fuck towers in Santa Barbara. What is that? Oh, but those are related to the school. I want like that.

No, I think FT is related. It's like mostly kids that go to the community college. But it's related to a school i want like no i think the i think ft is related it's like mostly kids that go to the community college but it's related to a school i wanted to i want like 22 year olds who have graduated college to live in this weird dorm that i'm building oh so i build a dorm and like in like los filas and it's not even students it's just dormitory housing i guess dorm housing is still is definitely a thing where you don't Where you don't have a bathroom. You just have a room. Right.

I mean, it's just a shitty living situation. Yeah. There's plenty of shitty living situations like that. Where you don't even have a bathroom? Yeah. I mean, there's apartments with shared bathrooms. Really? Yeah. Apartments with shared bathrooms.

I got to find that. I want in. It sucks so much. You're like, you're aspiring to be some kind of slumlord. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you could say that I am. I am a slumlord. I resent you. And I am a glumlord. It actually brings it back to the glumlord, the pop musician lord. Do you remember You Can Never Be Royals? What's that supposed to mean?

I can't ever be a royal? What? Like I'll never play for the Kansas City Royals? That's not what I meant, but no, you can't ever play for the Kansas City Royals. Are you crazy? No way. Like you don't think I'm

good enough at baseball to play for the Kansas City Royals? No, you're not good enough at baseball to play for a company softball team. All right. Let alone a fucking professional. Let alone the major league. Well, that smarts a little bit. It pisses me right off. It shouldn't do that either.

That's another reason you can't play baseball, because you're so easily offended. Yeah. People goofing around in the locker room. What if someone, like, pushes you, takes your soap, does a little snap towel thing. I'll kill myself and call them out on the suicide note. If someone snapped a towel at my ass, I would take the towel, hang myself,

and I would write on the towel, this is because Bryce Howard did it. Bryce Dallas Howard? Is Bryce Dallas... Wait, that's an actress, isn't it? Yeah, it's the girl from... Who's a baseball player? Bryce Harper. Bryce Harper, yeah, that's an actress, isn't it? Yeah, it's the girl from... Who's a baseball player? Bryce Harper.

Bryce Harper. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. This is another reason I can't play baseball. You don't know who Bryce Howard is. All right, let's take a break. It's Dallas Harper. Let's come back and we'll answer some more questions.

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Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

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We have returned. We have a random show at Boise State University. Do you know the date of that Boise State show? I've never been to Idaho. So this is going to be an exciting one. When is it? October? October 12th. Thursday?

October 12th? Thursday, October 12th. I've also never been to Idaho. We've never been to Idaho. Yeah. Does that mean the next day is Friday the 13th? October.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So our show is Thursday, October 12th at Boise State. I don't even know where it is in Boise State, but hopefully... I do know that it's free for students, and it's either like $5 or $10 tickets for the general public, which is great because a lot of the time when we do college shows, it's only for students. But now anybody, any old dumbass from Idaho... Yeah, you walk in with a potato, you'd be like, can I have a ticket?

I have a potato from Idaho. I'm serious. They do shit so ass backwards. We've never been, but we can only assume. I mean, this is how we do it on the coast. You do sweet potatoes. Yeah, like a yam. That's fine.

And two yams as a ticket. But a fucking Yukon Gold? What is that? I mean, right. An Idaho Russert? Criminy. Anyway, we'll see you soon, Boise. You're trying to figure out if you want to leave back to New York on Friday,

your options are to leave at 6 a.m. or noon. Yeah, so this is the interesting thing about flying to Boise. There aren't a lot of direct flights. One thing we are considering is flying an unknown airline to us called Allegiant Air. For the most part, the tickets are $200. For some reason, there's a little airline called Allegiant

where the ticket is $55. And all the other flights are multi-stop. This one is a direct flight from LAX to Boise. They fly twice a week on Allegiant Air and it's roughly $55. And the reason it's so cheap

I think is because it's not a real airline. It's a website that steals your money. So many one-star reviews on Yelp. It's hard to average one star on Yelp. But look at Delta's Yelp. Airlines are just always unpopular. Right.

So Allegiant Air has 350 reviews on Yelp and the average is 1.5. Which means the majority of people gave it a 1. A few people gave it a 3 or a 4. Read me a 1 star? I want to start off by

saying beware of this airline. The trip was booked a year in advance. A year. Despite the overall negative reviews, I decided to give Allegiant Air a chance since I'm a low maintenance passenger who just has to get from point A to point B. However, the day I'm supposed to fly out, the flight is delayed for five and a half hours. Allegiant emailed me two vouchers worth $50. Needless to say, these are useless. I thought this airline was... They could get you to Boise. My flight to Albuquerque got delayed six times, seven hours in waiting.

They gave me a $50 voucher. They charged for water. I will never use this airline again. It seems like so disappointed in this airline. Read me a four-star review. I honestly cannot... Oh, here's one. this airline again. It seems like so disappointed in this airline. Read me a four star review. I honestly cannot. Oh, here's one.

Here's a five star review, which basically allowed to offset like 21 star reviews to bring it up to a 1.5. This is a budget airline for sure.

Secondhand airplanes. The staff didn't have uniforms. The staff didn't have uniforms. There's didn't have uniforms. Just this guy in a t-shirt being like, sorry, you want like water? Water's five bucks. Who are you?

I'm Chad. Who do you know on the plane? I'm a flight attendant. But everything was clean and on time. I don't know why there's so many negative reviews. This isn't Qatar Airlines or something. I don't know if Qatar was famous for having a bad one. I almost pronounced cutter. Tip, pay a little extra for priority boarding and get seated up front. It will still be cheaper than other flights, but it's like first class with all that legroom.

Oh. How many miles do you have on Allegiant Air? What's your status? Oh, yeah. I think I'm a... You're an Allegiant Admiral. They have different... You know, some airlines have like gold medallion, silver medallion, platinum, diamond status.

Yeah. Theirs is just all different shades of brown. Oh, okay. I'm a shit brown with Allegiant. Now boarding tan. Shit stain. Here we go. This is a good one-star review.

Flight delayed by two hours. Plane is incredibly dirty. Seats do not recline. Water is $2. Carry-on bag charge is $15 Plane is incredibly dirty. Seats do not recline. Water is $2. Carry-on bag charge is $15. Interior is very cheap. Seats have a thin layer of fabric covered by a molded plastic back. Never flying again. And yet we're still considering it. Yeah. One, because it's direct. Two, because it's a third of the price of other airlines. I think I'm mostly considering it

because it's like a funny adventure. Yeah. Like if it's bad, it'll be of other airlines. I think I'm mostly considering it because it's like a funny adventure. Yeah, like if it's bad, it'll be funny. Yeah, it's sort of like the reason you go and try the mac and cheese Cheeto puff balls at Burger King or the, what was that, the Double Down at KFC? Oh, where it's fried chicken instead of bread. Yeah. So it's sort of like that. I'm like, oh, I know this is going to be awful, but maybe it'll be so bad that it's fried chicken instead of bread. Yeah. Yeah. So it's sort of like that. I'm like, oh, I know this is going to be awful, but maybe it'll be so bad that it's funny.

Also, it's almost fate that they fly twice a week and one of them is on the day we have to get there. Yeah. Also, if we don't arrive, know that Allegiant either delayed our flight until cancellation or crashed. I guess that's probably the biggest issue is that Allegiant it seems to be very unreliable and it's, and if we don't, and if that one doesn't take off, there's no other way. No.

Yeah. Allegiant is mostly buses and sometimes they buy a used 747 in a Boeing police auction. But I guess you could say that like, if we don't make it, it's Allegiant's fault, but it's definitely our fault that we would flying uh here's a good one uh be prepared to be stuck on a runway way past your departure time flight attendants were the least friendly seats are old plane is dirty and then the delay was so

long i watched this moth being born have a steady life do moth things and then die in my seat there's a little moth like moth stuck to the outside of the plane. Jesus. That's beautiful. Why are the flight attendants ruder on bad airlines? Like as if you don't have to be meaner because people are getting

paid less, right? I guess you just have like a general worse quality of life because you fly the shitty plane all the time and they don't pay you well they didn't even wear us on you yeah so you're just like generally depressed and you're meaner to people yeah and people on that airline are probably upset so they're meaner to the flight attendants right it feels like the kind of thing where like it's just a contentious environment to begin with and these this is a very, yeah, it's a tough,

Yelp reviews are kind of tough because no one's leaving a three-star. No one said, all right, that was fine. What we need to do is wait for an Allegiant Airline flight to land somewhere and then poll everybody that's getting off. How was that? Then I think we're up to two, two and a half stars.

Yeah. At the very least. How about- You can just both take different airlines. Like I'll take, um, I'll take a nice, uh, Delta flight with a stop in Seattle.

Ain't nothing wrong with that. I love the Seattle airport. Um, and then you take Allegiant and we'll compare. And if you ever want to see what 350 angry people sound like, go to Allegiant airs, Yelp page. I can't believe 38 people gave this a four-star review.

I will never fly this airline again. Yes, it's cheap, but my neck still hurts two days later. I like this idea. I think we should do a social experiment, and I take the big airline, you take the small one. I end up being mad. I just land on it. We'll both have a shitty experience.

I was going to say we should both take Allegiant and then leave a Yelp review regardless of how fine it was. Because I bet nobody's leaving a three-star review. Right. I want to know the psychology that leads somebody to leave a three-star review

on Yelp anyway. Like, that one was all right. I'm going to leave a review. One bad thing happened. Yeah. The flight attendant was mean, but it was on time. I'll let everybody know.

Seats were uncomfortable. I have to not complain or praise. I'm just going to let people know I took this flight and it was on time. I'll let everybody know. Seats were uncomfortable. I have to not complain or praise. I'm just going to let people know I took this flight and it was fine. I had a fine day. Alright, let's get back to these questions. We got one. Oh yeah, the prank that I wanted to talk about.

Alright, we'll call this person Dallas because he's cool. Nice. Dallas writes, your podcast is pretty freaking good, now help me. Good start. I live in a suite with eight other guys.

We are all pretty close and hung out a lot last year at uni and decided to room together in a suite. Last year, we would always pull pranks on each other and it was all in good fun. However, I slowed the pranking down as I thought it was getting to be annoying. The pranking ceased towards the end of last year, and I was hoping it would not rekindle. Boy, was I wrong.

Last night, I came back to my room around 12.30 a.m. to find all my shit had been hidden around the room like a scavenger hunt. Clothes in the closet were hanging from piping on the ceiling. My books were distributed across my bed under my sheets and my backpack was shoved into the mini fridge. Normally, I'd have been only a little bothered by this. However, due to my increasing dislike towards the pranks and my bad overall day, I went full out roid rage. I grabbed our microwave, smashed it on the floor, punched a hole through the closet, and flipped my roommate's bed. In this process, I also broke my hand like an idiot. Obviously, the situation is awkward now

because I have such a violent reaction to their stupid prank. My question is, how do I make it less awkward? How do I explain it to them that I'm not mad but just got caught up in a moment? Am I a bitch for not being able to shrug off a stupid prank? Last year, we pulled way worse pranks. One time, we put all of our friend's shit and condoms in his shampoo, pencils. Even his pillow and blankets were shoved into Trojan magnums, and he just laughed it off.

Jesus, what a... Putting his clothes into condoms, that sucks. What was the prank that set him off? They hung his clothes from piping on the ceiling, and they put his fridge, or they put his backpack into his fridge. You did so much worse damage as not a prank. Last year, it was funny.

I put all my friends' clothes in a fucking condom. This year, you put my freaking bag in a cool box. You ruined my backpack! He breaks the microwave, punches a wall, flips a bed. That's not... That's not... That's not supposed to go in the refrigerator! That's not an adequate reaction at all.

Especially to a pranker. You overreacted. And he broke his hand. I think your friends could give you a break And he broke his hand. I think your friends could give you a break because he broke your hand. That's instant karma. Right.

I guess you have to just start making jokes about how you're insane and how you're crazy. Oh, God. Like, you gotta make jokes, then they'll start teasing you. Yeah.

And then the problem is, you always want to prank the guy with the craziest reaction because now they're gonna, they want to see what you do next. So next time this happens, you can't punch a closet.

We're begging you, regardless of even if they put two backpacks in your refrigerator. I don't care if the straps are ice cold. You cannot flip a bed. You have to stay strong. Don't punch a hole in the wall, buddy. Didn't you punch a fucking wall once in a fight? Not really a fight. Well, it was an argument where I got so heated that I thought I would prove a point by punching a hole in the wall.

Do you remember what you said when you punched it? I said, God damn it. Punched the wall. Hit a stud. And I broke my hand. You broke what part? They call it boxer's fracture, actually, because it's when people punch shit. But like sort of a bone in my knuckle.

Yeah. Did you know you broke it instantly? Yeah. You're like, oh, fuck. It like killed the argument. I like punched the wall. It was like arguing with my girlfriend. Really bad luck to punch a wall during that.

And she was like, I'm out of here. And I was like, you can't leave. We have to go to the emergency room. My pinky really hurts, baby. I know we're fighting, but you have to take me to the hospital quick. I'm scared, baby. It was a bad fight. We just sat in the emergency room crying together for the next five hours and it like in brooklyn uh and a like an intern

tried to reset my bone couldn't do it when you say that was one of the worst days of your life it was up there top bottom 10 yeah i guess so it was it was really bad but then i had sex the next day and it was like the best sex I'd ever had. It was kind of worth it. You could just pent up. Yeah. Yeah. There was like a lot of tension. Of course.

What were the yelling, the fighting, the crying, the breaking? Yeah, thinking we were broken up. I was at an all-time low. Then we had sex, and I was like, I'm a king again. My arm covered in gauze you fist pump up and hit the ceiling break your other hand killer drugs too oh that's what it was yeah it was the vike so there was that one there was definitely i've had a couple hangovers that were like uh all-time low too right like back in mickle terrain and when you were like about to get into a car and you

started puking outside and you're like i can't go to a food place you eat without me. That was one of the worst hangovers. But I think maybe a worse day even than that was in Miami. Oh, yeah. That hangover. That was a bad one. So bad. The worst is when you're hungover and it's really hot out.

Yeah. You never want to be hot in a hot, bright, humid place. And you have something to do. We had to shoot that day and fly home. All right, last question. This one's about drunk dialing, and it's from a lady. Cool. That's right.

Ladies drunk dial too. Let's call her Frice. It's been the worst names ever. Bryce, Rice, Dallasallas and frice f-e-r-y-c-i-e you're hurting my fucking ears uh all right a lady in sophomore in college and i'm a serial drunk texter i used to be kind of cute when I was calling people and I actually involved with and saying cute or funny things, but now I'm calling people from deep dark past and saying wild stuff. My sober self genuinely doesn't care all that much about those people and I think I might be horny or looking for validation. Something else I should probably work on, Jesus. But anyway, do you have any simple tips on how to control this bad habit? I would

give my phone to a friend, but I'm also a drunk wanderer, and I need my phone with me, or I'd be lost all night. Clearly, I need to work on being less of a shithead while shit-faced. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. The show is fantastic, and Jeffrey is a babe. Ooh. You should tell Jeff

about that. That he's a babe? Yeah, maybe we'll give him, we'll give her his number and she can drunk text him. That's so fucked of you. Do you suffer or did you suffer from drunk texting? Yeah. I mean, I like went through phases. I still do. But like doing it serially, that's tough.

Yeah. Were you ever a drunk dialer before the ages of text? Yeah. When I first started drinking in college, I would drunk dial everybody I knew. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Just to have fun, not to hook up. Oh, yeah. My friends back home, my sisters, my brother.

I even remember telling people who were about to go out, I'm like, oh, don't forget to drunk dial me. Yeah. My friends, when they were going to go get drunk at college, it was like, I want you guys to drunk dial me later. I want to hear your screaming dick. And then drunk texting became more of a thing. As texting became prevalent, am I wrong to think that guys do it more than girls?

Is that close-minded of me? I think everybody does it because it's like fun and like it's fun uh i think guys do it in a thirstier way right like that there to me there's a difference between like you know send saying like things you think are funny when you're drunk to people and uh sending the hey you up text. Right. So if she's just texting people to talk to them and flirt and stuff? Yeah. But people are probably interpreting that as being thirsty. What if you started a little earlier in the night?

So you just start texting people at 8. Then it's like you're not drunk texting them. You're having a conversation with them. Oh, that continues on as you're drunk. Yeah, as you get drunk. That way it looks like you're having a conversation with them oh that continues on yeah as you get drunk that way it looks like you're less thirsty because you started the conversation at like 7 15 p.m that's true i guess i stopped i stopped doing it just by like setting my intention earlier in the night like i would just say to myself you're not going to drunk text anybody oh and it's and

it like you sort of, like you start to feel empowered when you look at your phone and you're like, don't do this. This is insane. Yeah. I basically trained myself to not do it. And then also when I do do it, I trained myself to not say the dumb things that I know I'll regret. So do you ever wake up and you're like, oh no, I forgot I texted this person. Yeah. And then I'll read the text and I'll be like, oh, this is kind of normal. Oh, it wouldn't be that bad. Yeah. So that's the best that I've, that I've done. I've just like trained myself to say things that are very normal for what I do. And for the most part, I keep my phone out of my hand. There's also apps I found that like give you like hardto-answer things,

and it's like, if you can't figure this out, then you're too drunk to text. Yeah, that's a good idea. So there's Drunk Locks and Drunk Mode and Am I Drunk, which are apps that prevent you from dialing people and texting people when you're wasted. Oh, just dialing and texting, right? It wouldn't prevent you from ordering an Uber.

Yeah. Like, I need to go home. I'm too fucked up. What's 88 times four? I'm dead. Did you ever drunk text anybody? Yeah, I've drunk texted before. It's probably one of the most embarrassing, like, things on my phone is probably, like, old drunk texts.

And it's, like's so painfully obvious. Right. Trying to be cool, like, hey, what are you up to? It's like, well, it's 1.13 a.m. You send the late night ones. Yeah, yeah, I've sent those before. I should delete those from my phone just in case somebody hacks. I would love to read them.

Yeah. Permission? Yeah, sure, of course. I have everything to hide. Yeah. Permission? Yeah, sure, of course. I have everything to hide. Yeah. Another way to do it is to not get drunk. Oh, come on. Come on.

Be serious. We're trying to give real advice here. I'm saying you can drink and have fun, but you don't have to get completely wasted. You don't have to overdo it. Let's not waste anybody's time. Well, I'm just saying she doesn't have to overdo it. With the fake advice. Let's not waste anybody's time. Well, I'm just saying she doesn't have to overdo it. With the fake advice. It's not fake. I'm just saying don't drink

to the point where you can't even delineate between right and wrong. Grow up, man. This isn't funny anymore. I don't think this is funny anymore. I know you're trying to do a bit. No, I'm not. Quit it. Now I'm getting pissed off. And wasted. Alright, that's it. Four questions,

four answers, and a whole lot of fun in between. I had a good time. You are crying. You are crying. You did cry a lot, actually. I'm sad. Even during the episode, you cried. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was on the verge the whole time. All right, anything else? My mother relaunched her cookie website. Wait, what? If you recall, jakesmomscookies.com was available for a short time. She got an overwhelming

amount of orders and had to pause while she baked, I think, nearly a thousand cookies. Jesus. And now she's back. And she's ready to scale.

She is. She rented a, what's it called? Commercial kitchen. Commercial kitchen in New Haven. Shout out to Coffee. That's the restaurant she's working at. And she made a recyclable box that fits a dozen cookies.

And relaunched the website. Jake'sMomsCookies.com. Open for business yet again. You can buy a dozen cookies. You can also do a cookie subscription for a bit cheaper. That's good. She should send us more cookies just because I sort of forget what they taste like. Yeah, I'll text her.

So I'll just keep talking about the cookies and as I talk about them, she just sort of throws them into my mouth a little bit. Right, that's a good idea. Oh, there's a picture of you on into my mouth a little bit. Right. That's a good idea. Yeah. Oh, there's a picture of you on the website now. There is? You're a partner.

Oh, yeah. Meet the fam. That's right. Slam fam. Thank you, fam. Look at the fam. And it's good because it's just the core three for kids. Yeah.

So none of that Rachel shit. None of the Rachel garbage. None of the Liza hullabaloo. Yeah. And the wastefulabaloo. Yeah. And the wasteful Micah space. Yeah, this is the core four, I think. We got Hannah, Sarah. The guy all the way on the left is my mother's partner.

I hate to call him my father. Yeah, Sam Hurwitz, your dad. Right. He is both your biological and the man who raised you. You can sort of see what a squash he is if you check out the website. You can see that he's a gourd man. Not a good man, a gourd man. Sorry, I didn't think you said good.

You clarified it. He's not a great man. He's a great man. A what? You know what I mean? No. He's great. Got it.

He's not a hero of No. He's a grape. Got it. He's not a hero of mine. He's a gyro. He is a lamb sandwich of a guy. Anyway, check out jakesmomscookies.com. Support my mother, not my father, folks. Opening theme song was Coast Modern. Closing one is from Adelaide the Girl, who has her own SoundCloud page. Soundcloud.com slash Adelaide the Girl dash two. I guess that was an Adelaide the Girl who has her own SoundCloud page, uh, soundcloud.com slash Adelaide, the girl dash two.

I guess it was an Adelaide, the girl dash one. All right. Uh, anyway, thanks to coast modern. Thanks to Adelaide. Thanks to you guys for writing in.

If I were you show at gmail.com, we'll be back next week. Toda good fight. Good night. Woo. Somewhere. A room draped in towels. Shoulders on the floor Bear a cross from each other

Some sort of setup But you're never really sure I've got a picture of the biggest dumbass I know Is it a selfie? Once a pleasure seeker A pinch and a punch But first a gun Is it a selfie?

A run for that one's terrible mom Opposite the crap glow of time Is it a selfie? A pinch and a punch, but first a dime. Self-selfie. A rough without a terrible mind. Purpose is the crap, good time. Self-selfie. Your head's wasting in a puddle of sugar. You want it down, want it down by your tears. On the sticky floors of a star-filled high. Self-selfie. Who gave those bugs a name? You're unaware a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind

You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind

You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind

You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind You're not a star, I'm not blind As your eyelids begin to flood The mockingbird turns glasses Follow you down this corridor

And somewhere at the end A girl who jibes you sitting calm On the throne of the other ones who sent in questions The valiant and the broken If you sit and call on the throne of the other ones who sent in questions, the valiant and the broken, but dare to ask what you do if you were in their shoes. So just go on and tell them what you would do. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, That was a HeadGum Podcast.