Segments - 295: Dog Lover (w/Hoodie Allen!)

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

Rapper and Friend Hoodie Allen joins us to discuss sex toys, trust issues, and ideas for an Australian rap/podcast tour.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Nice. Yeah, stuck the landing. Yeah, dude. The Hoodie Allen in the house. Hey, yo. Thank you for having me here. Woo! That's good.

Did you recognize that Across the Sea by Weezer parody? Yeah, of course I was like I was waiting for that high note actually Yeah To see the quality of the river's imitation And? How'd he do?

Splendid That was B plus? A minus? I know who I'm hiring for my wedding I'm not getting married Congratulations I'm just having a wedding

You're marrying Rivers Cuomo I'm marrying Rivers Cuom You're a half Japanese girl That was by Prague Rock Band Aerial View And that guy Was Kieran Hansen

Prague Rock? Yeah What is Prague Rock? I don't know But it sounds like It's half Half like Punk rock

Half sex show Oh that's cool I think that's what it is I think it's a live sex show I'll attend that You're in it. You're the mound that everybody gets to fuck during the performance. All right.

As long as Weezer's playing, I'm down. Hoodie, are you a general music fan? Are you a hip-hop fan? Or do you just happen to be good at it? I don't really listen to music, man. Really? Not really into it. You might be kidding, but I know a lot of comedians don't

list like watch comedy. It might be the same thing. No, I've never heard a song before. Oh my God. No shit. You're taking it one step further. You've never even heard a song. What about your own songs?

Oh shit, I make songs. Oh yeah, dude. Much like Woody Allen. No, I like those. Yeah, I forgot. I forgot. I like those a lot. But what is it?

What's your favorite band? Like when you were growing up, did you have a favorite band that you loved the most, that you listened to the most? You were just talking to me downstairs about how you wanted to be in a Fred Durst music video. Don't tell people that on the internet. And it wasn't a Fred Durst music video

as if it was his solo project. It was the iconic early 2000s group, Limp Bizkit of Limp. Yeah, exactly. So you were into like punk rock as a kid? I don't know if that counts as punk rock, but I definitely did listen to Limp Bizkit and Kimp. Yeah, exactly. So you were into like punk rock as a kid? I don't know if that counts as punk rock, but I definitely did listen to Limp Bizkit and Korn, but I also liked...

I started to interrupt, but I saw in Top Man, in the women's section, a Korn t-shirt the other day. You know, like ACDC and Metallica t-shirts are kind of him? Oh, so it's like an ironic tee. But for Korn. Korn.

I don't know. Is it ironic though? I hope so. What was that music video? Oh shit. Iconic with a K. The slow motion bullet. What song was that?

It was like the famous Korn, the slow motion bullet music video. Oh my God. The Korn. Datame. Yeah. Datame. Got the. That's it.

Got the light. Good light. Got the light. Got the light. I'm knocked out. I'm knocked out. Yeah, I like that. That was a really good one. That was a good one.

That was, you know what? That era came out of, completely out of TRL. Like MTV literally determined what was popular at the time. Yeah. I remember that video and that song was like number one, Carson Daly on TRL for weeks. Yeah. Somewhere around after or before the Bum Bum song by Tom Green. Oh, my God.

Do you think Tom Green actually won number one slot? Because he was an MTV personality, and he won the number one slot when he was already going to be on that show. I cry foul a little bit. Really? I think that was a contrived MTV push. I think Tom Green was, like, bigger than MTV at that point. So he was, like, I'm sorry.

He was the Chappelle of MTV at that point. Yeah, that's true. He was, he was, you think he was bigger than Carson Daly though? So where he was calling the shots? I think so. He's like, I'm going to come on the show, but you better make me number one.

I think he was Carson's boss for sure. Because that was the first day they hit number one. In fact, let's go on Viacom's website and check their organizational structure. Did you guys ever? Yeah, wow. Look, Carson Daly's the CEO of Viacom. Did you guys ever vote on TRL?

Did you ever vote? No. But I know I had like friends who introduced a song or something before. Really? Yeah. They called in? No, they were like waiting in the city. Oh, they were like waiting outside like cold losers.

Wow. Yeah, they were like. With a poster? Yeah, you would take the train in and be like, what are we going to do in New York? Like, oh, I'm going to go see TRL. Not see it, but I'm going to be on the ground while they record it. 48 stories up in Times Square.

And I might see Dave Holmes. I swear, I think that's the back of Carson Daly's head. They would let you up, though. They would bring people up. Oh, yeah, they would point down and bring something cool, yeah. Yeah, that was a cool moment in history. This was all before... And now everything is Snapchat

this and Vine that. No, Vine is turned down. And will you DM me sometime? No, they're not. I'm serious. No, you're not. I can't handle it. And what's Postmates me a Vine? So... Yeah, if TRL was around now where you could tweet it or uh uh email in your your well not text yeah they're bringing it back not to like give them promo i'm not on the payroll

there they're bringing trl back yeah that's smart who's gonna host not me really because they didn't offer it to me i would have done it of course i wanted to be the thing is dave holmes though is it yeah they're bringing him back kurt l the VJ. I think it's Dave Holmes, though. Is it? Yeah. They're bringing him back? It's Kurt Loder. Holy shit. Kurt Loder, who's like 63 years old at this point.

He was 63 years old then. All right. Empire. But enough about MTV. Let's talk about MTME. I'm an empty man. There's nothing inside my body. I'm sad of myself.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes we have our friends on the show. Today we have Hoodie Allen, famous rock and roll and rapster. Rookie. Rock and roll rapster. Rock and roll rapster, Hoodie Allen. Play that song. Hey.

Got the light. This is your fourth time on the show I've lost track You know what Fifth time You're a hall of famer At this point I feel like

I mean I feel like I'm In the top three Appearance wise Oh yeah You're a regular Streeter Seidel At this point

Yeah And you know what I appreciate Coming back here I learned more about Myself Yeah we gotta get People like robes Oh yeah Like SNL It's like the Five timers club You need the We need the coming back here I learned more about myself in helping other people

like SNL is like the five timers club we need the FIU show five timers club we should get a jacket I would love a letterman jacket or maybe a plaque in my name sure knows we're not getting one for music we'll talk about that later I wanted to answer some questions I actually found a good one Oh, I'm so sorry. You put that in the studio. That'd look kind of chill. We'll talk about that later.

I wanted to answer some questions. I actually found a good one. Not too many good ones, but I did found a very good one. You did found one? I did found one. I actually found one not too long ago. If you guys mind, I can read the question that I find. Sure.

That I find it. Guy or girl? He's got to give them a name. 22-year-old female. Ah, damn. I was on the plane preparing for this moment. Wow. And I only thought of men.

The whole flight, I was only thinking of men. Can you give me an occupation? Student. Clam. You're pissed off that I wrote female on you. And then you said something

that was probably just a male's name anyway. Clam Jordan. Clam Jordan. That's cool. That's also what I'm having for dinner tonight. But for now, we'll call this human, this 22-year-old female. Michael Jordan makes a clam.

Wait, that's bad. Let's call her Claire. Okay, that's good. Gone are the days of fake names. I like Claire Jordan. Claire Jordan. It's like Air Jordan. Yeah.

Claire Jordan writes, recently bought a new vibrator because i wanted to upgrade the one that i could recharge instead of use batteries without thinking about it too much i chose one on amazon with good reviews i'm in a relationship and my boyfriend doesn't care that i masturbate and we will sometimes bring the vibrator into bed with us however when I brought out this new vibrator for the first time, he seemed quite upset. After talking, it came out that he felt weird because the vibrator is quite big, nine inches long and black. Whereas the previous one was pretty small and pink. He brushed it off eventually, but we didn't use the vibrator that night, and he hasn't mentioned bringing it into the bed with us since. I think he's intimidated by it, but I still want to try using it together since it's way nicer than my previous one. He is average size downstairs and has never seemed self-conscious about his manhood before. Should I be wary of his feelings and only bring the small

and pink one into bed with us? Should I get rid of the big and black dildo entirely? Help. Love the podcast. Congrats to Jake on his engagement. Thank you. Claire Jordan with a funny predicament of buying a vibrator that makes her. That's bigger than your boyfriend's dick. I don't know why my girlfriend wrote this email to you guys.

I'm feeling very attacked right now. I forgot you were dating a Claire Jordan, to be specific. Okay, I'll pretend that I'm not giving advice to my own. Have you ever? You don't have to feel free to answer, Hoodie, because you're a guest. But Jake, have you ever used a vibrator in bed with a woman? I think not a... This one sounds like a dildo like a vibrating dildo i've used the like the small vibrators that are like you know they're not even meant to be like that are just for

yeah clitoral stimulation right not the dick replacement yes kind i've never used that i guess i i would be open to it If somebody else was like This is what really gets me off Because I think like Getting people off is kind of hot Yeah Or the hottest thing you can do

Of course But Nothing like turns me on About using a vibrator on somebody Yeah Because it's a little bit like A prosthetic Of what you are supposed

To bring to the table It's not really Complimentary It's more like More like bit like a prosthetic of what you are supposed to bring to the table it's not really uh complimentary it's more like more like uh taking they're taking our jobs right we're outsourcing it's like it's like the truck drivers of america yeah that's i guess why i like the um the vibrating you know like the little rabbit stuff oh that's because that's like i can't vibrate at that frequency so i get it yeah yeah. Have you tried? I haven't really set my mind to it.

Right. So being replaced by a dildo that doesn't vibrate might be a little bit emasculating because it's like, hey, your dick's all right, but can you use this giant rubber thing instead? Do you think it being black has anything to do with it? Oh, yeah.

I think this guy might, I just don't want him, I want him to be woke, you know? Yeah, I knew before you even said it, I was like. Hey was like it's a giant black dildo as soon as she's 100 systemic racism is alive and clared jordan's boyfriend and like saying we need to break this down a little bit yeah this dildo could have been like four inches long but if it was black he wasn't gonna have it right or so would you rather get him uh get herself a nine-inch pink dildo? This is what, I guess this is a test.

You're like, hey, was it the color or the size? Or you didn't have to say that. So you get a very small black dildo or a big pink one. Yeah, and be like, which one would you rather? And if he chooses the big pink one, you know that he's raced. Yeah. He's raced. He slept.

The opposite of woke. Yeah. He's fast asleep. Would you guys be intimidated or emasculated by it? A little bit, maybe. Why don't you answer that question? I think I would make a joke about it. I don't know if it would offend me to the point of being upset.

Because it's like, you know, it takes a lot of courage to bring something like this up in the bedroom. So you don't want to be like, I'm annoyed that you even tried to do this. But I wonder if it would weigh on me. Be like, hmm, what's wrong with my actual vibrator? You know, my dick. Right. Well, it doesn't vibrate. That's good.

That's a good thing to tell the boy. It's like, listen, I would love for your dick to vibrate. Isn't that what a cock ring is? I don't know what a cock ring is. Do you know what a cock ring is? I don't know what a cock ring is. Do you know what a cock ring is? I've never tried that before, but I think it's a ring for your cock. Yeah, I thought it was like a slap bracelet for your penis

that could vibrate. That vibrates, I think. Yeah, I think that's true. I think to answer your question, I mean, the fragility of men and their manhood is definitely a real thing, even the most confident person might feel, I think. Right. I mean, I feel like his weirdness isn't surprising in the sense that I probably would feel this.

I'd probably feel sensitive too. Yeah. too yeah however is that just like an initial feeling that then changes when you realize that like the whole idea of sex is is to it's not just a self it's not a selfish act it's supposed to be both ways yeah and maybe you should be more open-minded you're talking to the guy or the girl no talking talking yeah talking to the guy because this is obviously something that she right enjoys and wants to do sure um so should she be wary of his reaction or is it like don't worry he's fine it's not that big of a deal i mean depends how much she loves him it feels like what hoodie's saying is that like the reaction is to be expected because she pulled out a a sex toy that is bigger than his dick.

Yeah. But then it's more about like what he does with this information now. Does he get over it and be cool or not? How does it work? How does the logistics of this act work with both dicks? I think the guy is meant to penetrate the woman holding the vibrating dick in his hand. And what is he doing? Maybe he's licking her outer labia and clitoris.

Maybe he's fondling her nipples. Maybe he's licking her asshole. Do you have any other ideas? Maybe he's just whispering in her ear. He's not getting stimulated currently while this is happening. He better be getting stimulated. He's getting his girl off.

That's pretty exciting stuff. But she's not doing anything to his peen. She might be. Maybe they're 69ing and he's penetrating her while getting a blowjob. That's true. So this isn't necessarily replacing his penis. I'm saying there's lots of stuff

that you can do with the big black dildo. I feel like if this girl isn't necessarily replacing his penis. I'm saying there's lots of stuff that you can do with the big black dildo. I feel like if this girl isn't solely in it for the size, then it's not worth this uncomfortable shit. If she only cares about it vibrating, which it seems like she does. The size was never that important to her. I feel like Amazon has a pretty great return policy. Oh, even on these things? Yeah. They just hose them down and ship them off to the next person. It's really like

Netflix more than anything else. You rent a dildo. I just say that it's not worth the argument unless like you are actually really liking the size and the girth of the thing. Right. Or maybe you don't use that specific one with your man in bed. You use the pink and small one with your guy. The thing is he's already seen the huge one. He'll never unsee that. It's true. This relationship is over. Oh, really?

He's waving the white flag after seeing the black dick. So he sees it. He's out. I don't, and I actually don't, thinking about it, I don't think it's about the fact that it's black versus pink. Yeah. But I don't think it helps. If it was on the fence. Yeah, I think it's black versus pink. Yeah. But I don't think it helps. If it was on the fence.

Yeah, I think it's more... In the years that we've been doing this, I find that girls care about penis size so, so, so much less than guys do. Yeah. That, like, even thinking about this dude in this situation, I feel embarrassed. I feel...

I know how he feels, you know? Which is what? Inadequate? Yeah. Yeah. And it's not true. That's not how the girl sees it at all. So should I be wary of his feelings and only bring the small and pink one into bed with us? Yes? You don't, I mean, I don't know if it's a matter of you should be wary of his feelings, but I believe we're at the very least telling you what his feelings are.

It's your decision if you want to be wary of them. Should I get rid of the big and black entirely? I mean, I think they should have an honest and open conversation about sex because that stuff's important. And maybe there is something missing that's the impetus for why she wants to bring something else into the bedroom to begin with. Maybe they need to connect on a greater emotional level, and that will lead to a better physical connection as well. And then they won't need to have this awkwardness about size and toys and other stuff.

Or maybe I'm closed-minded. I don't know. I mean, think about it like... What do I know? I'm a rapper. This guy has this... And I crush a lot. I mean, think about it like, what do I know? I'm a rapper. This guy has this, and I crush a lot. I think the problem is that this dude thinks,

he doesn't think that this, of this dildo as an extension of himself. Right. You know, if you're, if you're riding a horse into battle, are you not as tall as you, like you're,

you're taller, you're on a horse. That's your tool. Yeah. You're, this, this guy is, he can be twice the man.

He is a dildo. He just needs to hone the power. So instead of like a dildo, maybe she should get him a fucking scythe. So the middle thing is a dick, right? And then there's two little. Or like a nunchuck that's a two dildos. Basically like a sexual mutant ninja turtle of sorts. And then she can get him a bow, Donatello style.

So it's a stick, but the end of the stick is a dildo. All right, so we solved this problem. I think she should maybe talk about it, but if she feels it's awkward, maybe she should be wary of his feelings, and it depends how much she likes him, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, barring both of those things, dildo nunchuck.

Yeah, dildo. All right. All right, here's another question for you guess. I don't know. Yeah. Barring both of those things, dildo nunchuck. Yeah, dildo. All right. All right. Here's another question for you guys. This one is from a guy. What do you think? Charlie Conway. That was you on the plane.

I was the one that had the plan. Waking up from a nap. I got one. It's perfect. Yeah. Clam Jordan. Clam Jordan and Charlie Conway. Charlie Conway is just a cool all-American name.

Yeah, Charlie Conway. It's Mighty Ducks. Oh, is it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Josh Jackson's name? Exactly. Charlie Conway.

Conway? I thought it was Conroy. No, I don't think it's Conway. You're wrong. You're very wrong. Conway, Charlie, writes, You can call me Tang Danger for anonymity. I don't even need you at all, you idiot.

Tang Danger. Next guy. We'll wait. Tang Danger for anonymity. I don't even need you at all, you idiot. Tang Danger. Next guy. We'll wait. Tang Danger time. I need your help deciding if something is weird or not. I'm a 20-year-old guy and over the past six months, I've grown accustomed to cuddling my girlfriend in my sleep. The issue is she can't always sleep over every night,

and on those nights, I'm just hardcore jonesing for a warm body to fill the void. My solution has been to invite my 60 pound golden retriever into bed to act as her surrogate. Now, I'm no sicko, mind you. I don't touch my dog inappropriately. We just cuddle. My girlfriend knows that. This guy's skull-fucking his dog.

Or, or, or, or. I mean, you don't have that forceful of a I swear I'm not I'm not disgusting fingering the dog stop it enough I'm not even done you say

we all assume you're not fucking the dog I feel like that forceful of a denial I feel like knowing the noise so accurately is the real bizarre. Yeah. How is he barking that loudly with his mouth full?

Oh my gosh, you guys are going in on the dog sex humor here. I didn't say anything! That's the guy's voice as he's getting skull fucked by the dog. What? The guy is barking barking they're 69ing all right sorry go ahead sorry go ahead after a minute long detour where you pantomime fucking a dog sorry go ahead not fucking it yes skull fucking it that's a blowjob. We should really have a conversation about consent here. Oh, my God.

My girlfriend knows this and doesn't think it's weird, but just for my own conscience, I got to know, what do you guys make of it? Well, we know what Jake thinks of it. Is it endearing? Dog fucker. I think you're fucking your dog. I really do. Do we approve of it? No.

Next question. Is it endearing and fine, or is it plain odd to show that kind of affection to my pup? Thanks a ton. Love, Tang. P.S. Sometimes we kiss. Sue me. This is weird.

P.S. I got her in Compton, I assume the dog, off Craigslist, if that counts. Off of the girlfriend. Oh, shit. He lives in L.A. Now he's going to kick my ass. She was full of parasites and i feel i share a closer bond or bond with the dog i nursed her back to health

when she was just a mere seven weeks old happy to say she's over one now so because you fixed the dog you can fuck it i don't i don't understand nobody's fucking a dog there's a lot of pss in here for like is it fine to sleep in the same bed as a dog as a replacement for a girlfriend? Of course. Yeah. This is every 16 year old girl cuddles with their dog. Yeah. What about 20 year old guy? I've cuddled with dogs. Yeah.

Everyone cuddles with dogs. That's fine. Yeah. And it's tough sometimes to restrain yourself to just cuddle but I think if he says he can do it that's pretty neat. What do you mean, restrain yourself? I just mean, like, the heavy petting turns into... Panting. Yeah, some panting.

It gets a little hot and heavy. Sooner or later, you don't know what's what or what's where. You wake up in the middle of the night, is it my girlfriend, is it my dog? I don't know, because it's a warm body and we're cuddling. You made me make a dog fucking joke. You inceptioned me to do it. And now that's all people are going to remember.

That's not your first dog fucking joke. Today. You cuddle with a dog right now. Yeah, my girlfriend has a dog. And since she's pretty much living with me, the is too dog sleeps in the bed i enjoy it you cuddle the dog yeah i cuddle the dog it's part of the family i cuddle the dog but not as a replacement because girlfriend's also in bed do you cuddle the girlfriend cuddle the girlfriend and sometimes i cuddle the dog sometimes the dog is cuddling by my feet sometimes the dog is

cuddling on my back sudden sometimes she's cuddling the dog. That's nice. It's basically what the dog decides. Happy family. Yeah. Do I think it's fine? Yeah. Is it plain odd to show that kind of affection to your pup?

No, I don't think so. I think it's sexy. Of course you do. You haven't stopped talking about it. I think cuddling with a dog is the hottest thing you can do. Yeah. As a man. As a man.

As a man. Yeah. Finding a dog in Compton, nursing it back to health, and then sleeping next to it because you guys are that close, that's awesome. That's awesome, dude. If you fuck everyone's boss. No. You can't fuck a dog. We have to be clear about that.

Right. You're a role model. Don't just say right. Like I'm scolding you. Right, right, right. Right, a role model. Don't just say right. Like I'm scolding you. Right, right, right. Right, right, right. Don't fuck the dog. What?

Don't fuck the dog, I said. He's not. I hate that we have to clarify that at all. I already said there's obviously no need for him to be fucking the dog. And I don't think he is fucking the dog. All right. We did, yeah. Okay.

Good. So we agree, right? Yeah, one time. Absolutely. Not dog fucking. Okay. Let's take a break. We'll be back with some more questions and answers with Hoodie A and Jake and Amir.

Bye. Hi, we've returned. Every time we talk to you, you're at a different process of this cycle of creating an album, going on tour, creating an album, going on tour. Where are you right now? I've created an album.

You've created the album. It's out. Oh my God. Yes. Yes, it's out. It's out. Because today, when we release,

it's Monday. Oh my gosh. October 1st. My album just came out. What a wonderful weekend we just had. It's number one on iTunes. It's number one.

Sorry, Miley Cyrus. Is it hard to- Eat your heart out, Shania Twain. When it comes out, that day is the most exciting? Or is tours most exciting? Sorry, Monday, October 2nd is when this comes out.

So album comes out that day, most exciting? I'm, you know, like I'm a young Jewish male, so I'm just full of anxiety at all times. So especially on album day, it's just nerve wracking. But it is exciting because you work really hard to put something together and then it comes out. And, you know, itacking. But it is exciting, because you work really hard to put something together, and then it comes out. And, you know, it's a big moment. So, yeah. And with the anxiety, are you

feeling like, oh, man, I'm nervous to see, like, reviews? Or, oh, man, I'm nervous to see sales? I'm nervous to see if I am... What do you... What my fans think? What the critics think? Yeah, I think the most important thing for me is what the fan reaction is. Because when you've done a lot of albums before, and I'm sure you guys can relate to this because you've done so many projects,

it opens up the world for people to be like, this isn't as good as that old thing, or go back and do that. And you're like, wait, just give it a chance. You don't even know what you're listening to yet. So we have an internet world today where everyone like, everyone is very instantly judgmental. And, like, there's so much positive that comes from that that's overinflated. And then there's also the immediate, like, over-exaggerated negative reaction for calls for nostalgia and stuff. It is funny. That's, like, something I've even – I'm guilty of, like, saying that to people too.

But, like, somebody who's a big fan of ours would be like, oh, go like your old videos were better. Like, okay, so you like me so much that you want me to never ever succeed as an artist. You want like the Jake and Amir videos of your, and then that's it. And then I have to like move back to my hometown and become a real estate agent.

That's your ideal. In a perfect world. That I failed at everything. You succeed once you have to succeed only once my my favorite part about that or they'll be like uh and and honestly obviously most it this is all like positive stuff but then you always pick out the one negative comment right like we're talking about world where everything's like yeah you rock i love you suck my dick you know what i mean but um no one says that but uh

but then it's like the guy talking to the dog yeah just the dog texting me but then like uh what you know that you get the one comment that's just like can you go back and make songs like this and this and then they pick two songs that are in no way like similar and you're like i don't i don't even know how to wrap my head around this comment but yes anything for you anything for you troll yeah but you know overall i think uh i just care so much about what the fans think and i i love the idea that i could like put something out that will then become you know like the soundtrack to someone's life in any sort of way is this your best album according to you um yeah i mean i i think it is and i think like it's impossible for it to be

the minute it comes out, just because anyone who's already a fan of mine has such attachment to a song or an album in the past. But I think over time, this will be a favorite project, for sure. What was your last album? Well, the last thing I did was a mixtape called Happy Camper,

and this is better than that okay so this is this is your first album in three years i guess technically yeah i mean what's the difference between an album and mixtape it's hard to say but yeah this it can what is the difference is it just that like people are supposed to expect less from a mixtape yeah that's what i kind of think a little bit right it's kind of fucked up it It's like quicker and easier. Oh, shit. I'm sort of botching this. This one's a mixtape, not an album. Yeah. It's free. There's the free element.

I mean, that's sort of gone away because everyone just listens on streaming services. Right. But yeah, I mean, I put a lot more time into this and a lot more resources and collaborations and all that sort of stuff. So it feels very much like an album. I guess that's the main difference. How many tracks are we talking here? 12.

12 tracks? 12 solid tracks, yeah. And then you go on tour. And then the secret song at the end? About masturbating? And then the bonus song at the end. You've got to wait until the end. And if it starts over again, it'll play on the second time you get all the way through.

So just keep going. That is a real secret. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then we're going on tour. Which is when? Starting October 10th, columbus ohio in the first date first date middle of the of america yeah you know i gotta go to the real people is it a geographic spiral as you go around and around or is it like uh yeah it's like a weird a weird rhombus oh it's a rhombus. And then flying over to Dublin and doing UK and Europe and stuff like that.

Is the US tour all on a bus? Yeah, all on a bus, thankfully. I love touring on a bus. That's like so fun. That hashtag bus life. I sleep so much better on a bus than I do in my bed at home. Wow. It's like the minute the bus starts, because the bus moves at like, say you leave at like two or three in the morning and the bus leaves and it's just like you ride

rocks you right to sleep and you're like oh time to go sleep do you sleep really well on tour i sleep really well on tour wow and then you wake up in a new city and you're just like eight hours of sleep after being like because i've been to your concerts you're basically jumping around singing sweating dancing for like three hours. Throwing cake at people. Yeah. It feels like I can't, like if I did that, by the next day,

wouldn't my throat be sore? We get exhausted when we do like three tour dates and all we do is sit on a stool and talk. That's because you guys drink a lot on those. Oh, yeah, that's true. Do you drink? Yeah. I mean, I try to be a little bit responsible. It depends.

I've been telling everyone on Twitter that I'm going to get fucking wasted with them after every show. Whether it's a ploy to sell tickets or not, I have not yet determined. But you can't actually do that. You can't get wasted 48 nights in like three months. Yeah, I can't do that and then do my job well.

Right. The worst thing, and this happens to every musician, is like you get sick at some point or you lose your voice at some point. Yeah, how do you not? After one night of karaoke, I feel like my throat's sore and that's like three songs.

So how are you supposed to like rap for two hours and then be fine the next day? It's like the first time I went on tour, like the first tour I ever did, I lost my voice after every single show and it was a constant cycle of me not speaking for the entire day just just rapping and then going back to not speaking wow but you it's kind of like a muscle i guess so it gets

stronger over time yeah and then and then you uh throat is jacked yeah i'm i'm a little bit more uh ready for tour life than i was back then but it does make sense that people lip sync then because it's like you're still on stage it seems like you're rapping the song but your voice is completely unscathed yeah i i i hate when i see people do that because it feels like why why go see someone live if they're not going to even right if they're just going to fake it but uh but yeah i'm not dropping names don't get me to start beefs on a podcast actually simpson you know it'd be cool if So me and Jake do live podcasts. The first one is recorded. The second and third show, we just try to lip sync to the first show's recording.

That's smart. Yeah, so they're getting- Let's take a name from the audience. Grandis. Grandis, okay, cool. Yeah, they're getting the exact same experience because it actually is that VO. And we're pumping in audience noise,

like a football stadium. So people are getting hyped. That's really smart. What is your favorite show that you guys have done this past year? Because you guys have done a lot of shows this past year.

Yeah. Have you already discussed this? No. The last year. Oh, Atlanta might have been my favorite. Atlanta was a really special show. What's the best show

and then what's the best place to visit? For me, it's... Oh, like City? Yeah, like just the place that you had the most fun regardless of the fact that the had the most fun regardless of the fact that the show was good or bad it's just memorable for you i mean atlanta was very fun in

both of those regards because the show itself was like in a basement so it was like felt very packed and we had like some friends there and some strangers there and then rick fox came and people went crazy for him that was fun and then after that we went to like inside the nba and like to turner and we hung out with Rick Fox. And we saw a bunch of other basketball players. We fist bumped Shaq. Yeah, we saw Shaq there. Wow.

He didn't care, but that was fun. I think for me, it's always Australia, though. Also, the Dublin show that we did with Ben. Maybe that's more than a year ago now. Oh, yeah. That was really fun. That was in a tent. It's part of a comedy festival.

I haven't gone to Australia yet. I think we should go to Australia together. We should go to Australia together. And test out this podcast live rap show idea, which has been in the works via three 30-second conversations we've had over the last four years. I think between the several thousand people that would go to your show and the couple hundred that would come to ours,

we can really sell it. I would definitely be good for us. I think it's only a couple hundred for me too. I think we're going to have, it'll just be like one plus one equals two. Yeah. Or would it be like half the people disappointed because like, wait a minute,

why am I seeing two guys sitting on a stool? I came to see Hoodie Allen rap. I don't think so. We have to host a night of like partying. So like Hoodieodies are performance. Yeah. We're like hype men. There's no podcast at all.

No, our fans wouldn't like it. No, our fans, they'd like it because we'll be partying with them. Oh, I see. We get one-on-one interaction with us all throughout the night. It's like a meet and greet. Yeah. It'll just be a huge fucking party. I'll be rolling my face off.

Everyone's going to love it. Especially you. I'm dehydrated. I'm getting my stomach pumped. That's the finale. You just want to go to a hoodie concert and sit on the stage. Side stage. I'd hate to be the focal point.

I'm gonna be so fucked up after all. Will you take me to Australia, sir? We should do that. That would be really fun. Let's go somewhere low pressure like Australia. Wherever it goes badly, no one in America will ever find out. We should do that. We should do it. That would be really fun. There's something to be done. Let's go somewhere low pressure like Australia. Yeah. Or if it goes badly, no one in America will ever find out. It's so far away. They won't know.

What's like the third, if we add a third thing, like what's so different from comedy and music? Oh, wrestling. Comedy, music, wrestling. Yeah. Yeah, that would be. So who's the wrestling equivalent of us? Probably those local wrestlers in LA that sell out every LA show. I was thinking The Miz.

Yeah, or him. Or The Miz. Yeah. And he's just fucking up there body slamming people. And maybe The Rock. I like that. But can he draw? Of course.

No, I don't mean like draw like sell tickets. I mean like does he know how to draw? Oh, like what? So you want The Rock to just be on stage doodling? He should be a sketch artist. He'll do caricatures of us. That would be incredible. I would pay $10 for that caricature.

Yeah, my big head in a fucking Corvette or bowling or playing basketball or something, and The Rock is painting it all. Let's DM him a vine right now. Let's DM him a vine. I like to DM him a vine. Yeah. No, we cannot DM him a Vine right now. Let's DM him a Vine. No, we cannot DM him a Vine. Let's Snapchat him a YouTube.

That you actually can do. Alright. Should we try to answer some more questions? Sure. I can only find two, so we might need to Game Boy a couple. Wow. Yeah. Shall we? What does that mean? Great question. Have you met the Game Boy before?. Wow. Yeah. Shall we? What does that mean? Great question. Yeah.

Have you met the Game Boy before? He's me except with a silly voice. Like, oh. Yeah, there he is. I'm the Game Boy. Yeah. So the Game Boy just searches our Gmail for a word. And it has to be a word that results in one email of one question being found.

You've done this before with me once. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. So it can't be so esoteric that nothing will come up, but it can't be so common that thousands will show up. Can I suggest a word? Yes.

You can. Mayonnaise. That's really good. Mayonnaise. It came to my mind. I hope there's only one researcher's up for that. Wow, it's very close. Really?

Mayonnaise. It's nine, but let's see. Some of them are spam. Yeah, some of them are spam. Some of them are Hellman's ads that have emailed you. It's basically just two. Wow. You're going to probably win the game at this level.

Wait, so everyone gets one try, right? Is that kind of how it works or no? Now we're just going to read this question first, right? Yeah. Make sure it's not trash. Yeah, that's funny. Okay, this is funny. This is great.

This will work. This is a guy. Do you have a guy's name? Another one. Or did you only spend the entire plane ride thinking of the Mighty Ducks character? I was trying to think of multiple Mighty Ducks characters. Kenny Wu. All right, here we go.

Which one's Kenny Wu? Wu, Wu, Kenny Wu. He can skate really well, but he, oh no, he can't stop. That's Luis Mendoza who can't stop. But Kenny Woo, he was a former ballerino. Oh, that's right.

What about Kenan Thompson with the knuckle puck? Ah, yeah. I don't know his character. Russ was his character's name. It's so funny that his shot

was just like a puck spinning. Like, that's kind of easy to stop, right? Is that a real thing that people can do? I've never seen it. And i've seen the movie twice and i've seen one two and three knuckle puck time nobody

else did the knuckle puck except for him uh all right here we go as of recently writes kenny woo i've become one of those shitty boyfriends i've had an ex hit me up half a year ago for a good fuck. Being in a relationship I couldn't give her the schlong, but my horny ass, six shots of tequila deep, figured. But sexting isn't cheating, right? It's not my fault an ex misses the sight of an ex's cock. Porn stars make

porn and have relationships all the time. She tells my girlfriend, six months later, and I will never understand why she waited so long to throw me under the bus. When my girlfriend of two years found out, she was devastated to find out that I had cheated. I never slept with another girl, but she felt like I had. This is the girl I want to marry.

She wants to work things out, but I cannot but feel like her trust in me is forever broken. If you take the time to read my story, is it possible to keep a relationship going after something like this happened? Am I a shitty person for showing off my massive schlong, drunk and a horny at 2am?

Will she ever forgive me? Also, here's a few random words for your Game Boy game. Wow. Ravioli, meatball, Pluto, cactus, oakwood, pumpkin, mayonnaise, orange chicken, forest fetish. Is that the first time that somebody got us just by their PS?

It might be. Some people leave the entire dictionary as an attachment, but I got rid of those questions. So this guy did machine gun fire, but it wasn't like 20 words, so I'll allow it. All right. Love, Kenny Wu. So. All right. Love, Kenny Wu. So. All right. I was wondering how he was going to work that in there.

Yeah, exactly. A little mayonnaise reference. So do you think this is unrecoverable? Jake, I assume you're the one who sexed the most out of us. In the past. In the past. In the past, of course. I think that this is fine.

It's just texts. Well, I i mean it's not totally fine it's like it's this but this is slap on the wrist behavior you're saying on a scale of one to cheating it's way closer to one yeah i feel like we deal with such worse shit than drunkenly sexting an ex it's not ideal yeah and the dick pic is not ideal this is a girl that's already seen your dick it's not even like you've that, and the dick pic is not ideal. This is a girl that's already seen your dick. It's not even like you've shown the dick to a new person. So as far as texting is concerned, sexting is concerned, it's

even better to sext an ex or a random. I have to play devil's advocate here. I was with you. Of course. I mean, I was on board. I was like, alright, cool. I actually think that the random is better is way less

cheating than the X because the X you have an emotional attachment to those were the exact words I was going to use because it's like hey you know what you had and it's almost like you prefer it because it's way easier to like why are you conversing with that like obviously the X is way may be easier to talk to because you have that past but that just it brings up

all these insecurities yep in a current girlfriend thinking yeah why are you still thinking about this person why would you do this it just leads to so many more questions than than a random which kind of feels like personalized porn yeah Yeah, I can see that. That's true. I'm trying to think of what I'd be more offended about if I caught a lover sexting. Obviously not ideal in any situation. It would totally be an ex.

At least for me. You'd be more pissed. Yeah, because then you'd be thinking about that person and how they've had sex before. Yeah. I think I'd be more jealous of my SO sexting an ex, but I feel like I'm more of a threat with a new person than an ex. Because new person is more exciting than an ex.

You don't feel anything for exes. But like, I guess this all goes to say that none of this is good. None of it's ideal. I don't think that it's breakup worthy, but I think it's you have to completely debase yourself with the apology. You're 100% in the wrong. Gotta delete that app.

Messages? You gotta delete text, man. Block the number. I can't believe the girlfriend said the ex said something six months after the fact. Did she screenshot? It's hard when you can't even get mad at her because it's like you'd fucked up, but you kind of still want to be mad at her. How dare you share the private evil thing that I did with you?

Yeah, that's so fucked up. I honestly fucked up too, but what you did was kind of worse. Like you have nothing to gain from that. Do you think that was like a long play? Yeah, she wanted to like bait him trap him and then six months later when she was not having a good day she's like um or is it she just felt guilty i mean what is that i don't know like what does that give her yeah there's no pros right it's just like i bet it's a little bit bragging it's like by the way your boyfriend fucked up he's all up into me still

sorry about that or maybe it's just like 8-8 or she's like oh this guy's gonna break up with his girlfriend he's still sexting me he still likes me and then it's like months and months go by he's like well why haven't I heard from him she's like maybe trying to sext him some more and he's not being responsive

and she's like well alright fuck this dude say she's trying to separate them sexperate them so that she can get back together with a guy. Who knows her motivations? This is all, but it comes back. What's his question? Is he salvageable? Is he a shitty person, I think is the question.

Yeah, am I a shitty person? Yeah. You're a shitty person. You did a shitty thing. That's a shitty person thing to do. Yeah, if you did it all the time, you'd be a shitty person. Yeah, but you can still be a good person in the way that you recover from it. Plus, he was drunk and horny and at 2 a.m.

So it wasn't like a sober, purposefully mean thought to do. Right. So that is slightly more forgivable. I think people do worse things. Right. He didn't cheat. He didn't actually cheat. Will she ever truly forgive me?

She might not trust you for a while. She might not have to define him, it depends it really depends on the girl yeah it definitely depends on the some ladies are uh zero tolerance yeah but you heard how massive this guy's schlong was that's true he mentioned it a couple times he does have a huge Honestly, I think the first guy is intimidated just by us reading this story. Can you not read this? This is nine inches in black. Because if so, I have to unsubscribe from the podcast. Please, we're begging you to stay subscribed.

Just don't listen. All right. We're out of time. Thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. We should say we shot a video today, too. Maybe that's online. That's already up. Thank you for watching that video We should say we shot a video today, too. Maybe that's online. That's already up.

Thank you for watching that video already. Yeah, and if it's coming out on Thursday, check it out. One last time, name your album. The Hype. And it's out right now. On iTunes, Spotify, Apple Music, Google Play, Deezer, and Pornhub. It's on Deezer? It's on Pornhub?

Do you put it on YouTube? Yeah. Do you put it on YouPorn? Yeah. How many music videos do you have for this zero zero music videos i mean what is a you're saying fuck it because you used to make music videos no i still will but you know they're expensive yeah so you're like let's skip that for now yeah let's let the people decide what's a popular song i like that and then we go from

there what about like one of those animated word videos that it's like, I'm not in it. I did one lyric video. It's already out. Okay. It's pretty cool. It's neat. So you can check that out too. All right.

All right. All right. Yeah. Awesome. Hoodie, thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. Much appreciated as always. The opening theme song was written by Kieran, I believe.

The Weezer parody. This closing one is Sam Wisson from Perth, Australia. That's my dude. Dude, that's where we're going. He's our closing act. Yeah, man, we're going to Perth. We're going to Alice Springs. Yes, sir.

We're going to Cairn. Cairn. If you have any more theme songs or emails or questions for us, everything is at firewreakshow at gmail.com. Thanks for listening today. Thanks for listening next week. We'll be back soon enough. Thanks again, Hoodie. Later. Bye. Peace. It's true, Corey and guys

Sapphire you Sapphire you I'm going to go. You pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.