Segments - 296: F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

In this episode we discuss Snapchatting, obsessing, and going away to college.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. But it was weird he didn't eat on our first date His Tinder bio says he's woke but always late He's got a Casper mattress on the way Is he just another ghost who knows Or maybe he's gay Is he just another ghost who knows?

Or maybe he's gay? Oh, should I see this through? Or should we just be friends? Tell me what to do Now he's in my tears Jake and Shmuel too Tell me if I were you Ross, and then there's also Phoebe. Oh, and you can't forget Chandler. And then there's Monica. Of course. And Rachel. And that's all of the friends.

Well, there's one more. Oh, yeah. Gunther. Gunther, yes. Good man. You've been watching Friends recently? I have. Oh, wait.

I have to give the shout out to who wrote that. All right. Jamie and Dan. Gracias, Jamie. And if we ever want to hit up an escape room in LA, we're your people. Oh, shit. We were just talking about how we needed to do that Yeah, so there we go Jamie and Dan Expect an email from us

Friends, you're re-watching it? Just smattering of watching Yeah, I'm not re-watching from the beginning I just sort of like Pick a season, pick an episode Netflix or Hulu This is on Netflix Last night I watched the one with the seven erogenous zones Pick a season, pick an episode. Netflix or Hulu or? This is on Netflix.

Last night I watched the one with the seven erogenous zones. Oh, yeah. He's like, seven, seven, seven. Oh, God. I think that's better than the I'll have what she's having from When Harry Met Sally. Whoa. Yeah. So you have a high praise for Friends.

I think it's incredible. Like, just even watching the theme song, watching how... It's crazy how great of actors those friends were. Like, they're... Were they really friends, do you think? I don't know. I hope so. I don't want to hear anything about how, like, Ross didn't get along with Joey. That would kill me. But their facial expressions, like Phoebe. Phoebe just, the one I was watching last night,

she was like talking to a doctor about pregnancy and just like even the things she does with her mouth and eyes. I don't know how you do that in front of a live studio audience, but it's so, man, it's so good. You have a real crush on Lisa Kudrow and Monica's great too

who's your least favorite and most favorite friend? when I was watching the show when I was in high school I didn't like Phoebe and I loved Chandler and now I love Phoebe almost the most and I don't dislike any of them.

My favorite is Ross. Yeah, I think that Ross is like a, he's a polarizing one. Yeah, a lot of people dislike Ross. I think Ross is super funny. I watched someone where Ross whitened his teeth. And I mean, like, that's another, just the way he even, he smiles with the teeth. Yeah. That's, it's so funny.

Anyway, thanks for Jamie and Dan for writing that. Letting us take a trip down memory lane. You know, Friends came out over 20 years ago. Man.

You want to feel old? Chandler's 80. Is that, yeah, no way, right? No, yeah,

he's not. He's not 80. But I'm saying if you want to feel old. If you want to feel old, yeah, you would think about him being 80.

so old. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. I'm Jake. What? And this is Ross. All right, found some questions for us to go through. Maybe we can give these people fake names that are maybe tertiary characters on Friends.

That's a good one. So, for example, this first one's from a lady. Janice. That's a good one. So for example, this first one's from a lady. Janice. That's good. Janice writes, I'm a 19-year-old and a sophomore in college. This girl and I matched on Tinder a while ago. We talked a little, things got sexual, and we talked briefly about meeting up. She said she was on her period and maybe we could do it next week. A week and a day later, I sent her another message, but she never replied.

I'm fine with it. I mean, I've seized the cheese since then, Han. But she is an absolute dime, and I'm bummed I didn't get to smash. But here's the real problem. She works at my favorite head shop here on campus, and I want to be able to shop there. How do I go in there and play it cool?

Is it possible she wouldn't even recognize me or remember me? Thanks, guys. Love, Janice. Okay. What is a head shop? Is it just weed? Paraphernalia? Yeah, it's bongs and pipes and beaded curtains for your doorway.

Why is it called a head shop? I don't fucking know. Who's getting a head in this shop? It's not Janice. Do you think Janice is overreacting or it's an adequate level of reaction? So they hooked up but didn't fuck and then she like tried to. It seems like they just matched. They talked a little and talked about meeting up

and never met up. Oh, but she said she was on her period. She said she was on her period. Oh, that was the excuse. She said, maybe we can meet up. Actually, I'm on my period. Let's do it next week. And then next week she sent her a message

and didn't respond. Oh, yeah. I think you're fine. If anything, you could... I feel like going in there and playing it cool and not mentioning it yeah do you mention it when you go in or you're like oh hi hey we matched on tinder or do you play it completely cool and pretend you don't know no i think that's too cool that's that's playing it cold yeah you know that's playing it ice cold like you gotta

you gotta cut through the tension but you also don't want to make it weird and be like i i is your period over sorry you mentioned you were having the phone a print out of the conversation you said you were menstruating on thursday but it's tuesday and i'm wondering if you stopped bleeding i uh i was in the bathroom and bathroom and I peeked in the trash can and I saw no sanitary napkins. Do you have a three-foot ghosty-ass bog and have you stopped having a period yet? I'll have that glow-in-the-dark blacklight poster and you not on your period. Hi, I'm Janice. You might have remembered we matched. I think you, so you basically act like you've, act like you're friends. Act like you hooked up.

You don't have to mention anything. You don't have to mention the match. Oh, act like you're friends. Yeah, just be like, hey, how's it going? Good to see you again. What's going on? How you been? They never saw each other.

Doesn't matter. Good to see you again? Well, they see each other at the head shop. Good to see you again. So are you acting like you know her from Tinder or not? You're acting like you're, you're acting like, yes, I come in here all the time. Yes, we've matched on Tinder. Maybe we have a date to go on.

Maybe we don't. I don't care. I'm still a normal person. So you don't act too cold. You don't pretend like the match never happened. Yeah. But you don't pretend like you're owed a date. You just pretend like, hey, the chips may fall as they may.

What if you don't say good to see you again? You just act overly nice. So if she recognizes you, that's fine. And if not, that's also fine. So you say stuff like, hey, how's it going? How are you? Yeah. Good.

That's perfect. Let her lead the way. Yeah. Have you ever seen someone that you matched with on Tinder that you never went after? Have you gone through your cycle? What? Have you gone through your cycle, I said. Sorry, I'm ringing somebody else up.

Yeah, but now we're talking to each other. I guess. Leave the store. Okay. I see you're ringing someone up, but now the paradigm has shifted. The reality has changed. We're involved in a conversation. I want to know if you're actually, I'm going to reach down and just make a quick little test for myself. What's that? Who's making that noise? Both of them. Got it.

Do I go in there and play it cool? You say play it slightly more than cool? Yeah, I guess play it lukewarm. Is it possible she wouldn't even recognize me? She recognizes you. You think so? She recognizes you for sure. Don't you worry about that.

She recognizes you for sure. And remembers you. I don't know what some of my cousins look like, but I know what all my Tinder matches look like at all times. Especially ones that you chatted with. Oh, yeah. Especially a recent one. Big time. Yeah.

Big time. What happens when you match with your cousins, though? That's enough. Oh, come on. You're talking about the Hurwitz family dynasty. That was a fun little story. Yeah. Tell the time that you kissed your cousin Johnny.

Jesus Christ. What? Didn't you match with your cousin Johnny? I just didn't like time that you kissed your cousin Johnny. Jesus Christ. What? Didn't you match with your cousin Johnny? I just didn't like that that's one of my cousin's actual names. Of course. You said cousin Davey. I would have played along. Fred?

That's fine. That's a fake cousin. Well, he's an uncle. Nobody has a cousin Fred. How weird is that? Impossible. They do. You want to feel old? No one's cousin is Fred. Why does is that? Impossible. They do. You want to feel old?

No one's cousin is Fred. Why does that make anyone feel old? Right? Because he's 80. Because he's 80. Because he's 80. All right, we got a guy's name. Fun Bobby.

Oh, that's good. Thank you. Throwing it back. That was like one of the first episodes, wasn't it? Where Fun Bobby was an alcoholic? I guess it must have been. Yeah, it must have been early. Fun Bobby writes,

Recently I've gone off to uni, far from my hometown. No one else from my school has come here, so I'm pretty much alone. I have friends. A lot of friends in this thing. I have friends, but I'm running a bit dry in the relationship department. A lot of friends in this thing. affecting my game at uni? Should I go fishing in the big pond or stick it out with my longtime crush at back home? I think she likes me, as she always responds to multiple intimate wordy snaps. But the other thing is she's playing

the wait six hours to snap back game. One time she opened my story and didn't open my snap DMs until three hours later. What the fuck is that? i really like her and her personality help all right uh love fun bobby so he wants to know whether he should pursue his crush back at his hometown it sounds like he's already doing that what more could he do or go fishing in this big pond to me it seems like he's he's committed to one of the things already no matter what i say right now but i'm worried i'm worried that is is this crush is crippling him to the point where he's not looking for anything at

uni right and this longtime crush thing it doesn't it seems like you're way more into her than she is into you, counting how many hours she snaps back, seeing if she opens your story and not your DMs. Yeah, you're deep in the weeds here. Overthinking it. I've done stuff like that. You don't play the timestamp game, the length of... I've copied and pasted text into Word documents so I can see whose word count is higher. Oh, interesting. That's a good level of overthinking it.

Definitely. But seeing who opened your... You see her open your story, but she didn't open your DMs. Is that like a deliberate thing? Don't people just like rifle through their stories and then go through their DMs? Who knows? I have no idea. Like she watched his story, but didn't open the DM from him.

Yeah. I think that's fine because some people would just be on their story page. All right. It's a different thing. Right. But the fact that he's all into it, thinking about it, he's like, he's in it. He's so in it, so hard. Right.

Because to you, your messages are the only thing on her phone yeah but to her she's got a lot of things her phone's a whole phone she has a full phone yeah and and snapchat's only one of the apps oh yeah dude she's scrolling through every feed she's liking venmo comments i swear to god i've seen this babe liking Venmo comments. How do you know who she is? Well, she's Fun Bobby's girlfriend. Yeah. Monica. Bobby.

So, should I, I'm hooked, but the problem is, is this affecting my game at uni? Yeah, because your attention's divided. Should I go fishing in the big pond or stick it out with my longtime crush? Imagine if you gave half of the shit that you did about this girl just about general girls at school. Yeah. You'd be putting yourself out there more. Yeah. The problem is when you put all your eggs into one crush, it's more the highs and lows are too high, I feel like. You gotta like have a crush on multiple people play multiple little games like this that way when somebody opens your story and doesn't

respond in six hours you're like that's okay let's see what's going on on twitter maybe she read my tweet maybe she did this maybe i'm talking to someone irl maybe i got a text message or two going irons in lots of the fires and then i think you end up seeming, then like, you know, by accident you behave a little more like cool. Right. You're playing it cool, but you're actually cool. So you're not even playing it. And then that's good. And then the person back home will maybe start to notice.

Because I think the coolest thing you can do at school is, like, have a good life, especially if she's back home. You know, she's going to wonder about you. You're the mystery man at uni doing cool shit. That's good. But it's time that you actually start doing the cool shit that she's, like, hopefully imagining you doing. Like, when she's picturing you at uni, she's like, oh, fun Bobby must be at, like, all these cool parties. Meanwhile, you're just, like, sitting on your toilet seeing if she's picturing you at uni, she's like, oh, fun Bobby must be at all these cool parties. Meanwhile, you're just like sitting on your toilet seeing if she's opened your DM.

Be the cool guy that she imagines you're being. Living well is the best revenge of the cool. Well, you don't need to have revenge, but yeah, living well is the best everything. Yeah, living well is just in general good. Yeah, then the people that you're trying to spite will feel sad and then the people that you're trying to like will want to fuck you. Live well. And you don't necessarily need revenge, but that's a nice little byproduct, isn't it? A nice side effect that I'm not complaining about.

Here's another Snapchat question from a 19-year-old guy living in Australia. Nice. What do you want to call this guy? What's Chandler's weird roommate's name when Joey moves out? Oh, yeah, the Adam Goldstein character? Adam Goldstein on Friends character name. Wait, was it Adam Goldstein? Adam Goldberg.

Adam Goldberg on Friends character name. Eddie. Eddie. That's right. The fish. Classic. Good episode. Isn't there like a pretty late episode where all the Friends turn 30?

I'm like, are they really not 30 in this show? They're supposed to be in their 20s? We should find out how old they were when they were all cast. How old were they in season one? I bet realistically they were all above 30, but they're all like supposed to be playing 27-year-olds. Really? We should find out how old they were when they were all cast. How old were they in season one? I bet realistically they were all above 30, but they're all supposed to be playing 27-year-olds. Really? We should find out. All right. Let's see what Eddie said. All right. Eddie, a 19-year-old living in Australia, writes, what's up, cunts? I can say that because I'm just reading it.

Of course. I have a smoke show of a girlfriend who I love and really appreciate, but here's some context. We hooked up at Lever's right after high school, and we've been dating ever since. It's been the best couple years of my life. She is truly one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Now here's the issue. Her and my roommate, who happens to be my best friend of eight years, have been Snapchatting a lot more recently and have even become best friends on Snapchat.

She will sometimes hide her phone from me when she gets a Snapchat from him. And when I bring it up, she says, it's just to spare my feelings. He also has been talking to me much less. And I will ask for her opinion on shit that's happening in his life. I want to trust her, but I can't help but feel something sinister is happening behind my back. Basically question is should i be worried or am i just overthinking this whole situation love uh eddie eddie wait a second eddie's roommate okay and his girlfriend have been snapchatting so much they're best friends on snapchat but they and they all live together? No, Eddie lives with his mailed friend. Oh, okay. And his girlfriend lives far away.

I see. Not far away, but not in the house. Okay. So his friend is snapping his girlfriend, and they become really close. Yeah, best friends on Snapchat close. Yeah, they're definitely going to fuck. Yeah, I would be. That's what's going to happen. I mean, just based on all of the emails we've received of people who are hooking up with their friends' girlfriends.

Yeah. This is the, or people that have crushes. At the very least, one of them likes the other one. One of them. That's the very least, one of them likes the other one. One of them. That's the very least. Bare minimum. Because nobody does this just for two people that want to be great friends. Yeah.

No way. Your friend either really has a crush on your girlfriend and your girlfriend enjoys his friendship, or your girlfriend has a crush on your friend. I would say with 90% certainty they both like each other. It's so dangerous. What a weird game they're playing where they're like snapping and texting more than they do with the boyfriend.

Yeah. Have you ever had a crush on a friend's girlfriend? Of course, all the time. And would you dare go to this length of like snapping, texting, emailing behind the person's back? Thankfully this stuff wasn't around when I was younger because I would have fucked with a lot more of my friends' relationships than I did already,

which was like a decent amount. When you're young, you just don't really think about, first, you don't think about consequences. And then also the dating pool isn't very large. So like your friend has a girlfriend. You're like, that's one of the few girls around. Yeah. I have to steal her.

Otherwise there'll be none for me. So I think now I wouldn't do it. But because these guys are young, I think that's what's happening. Well, you're fianced, right? You're a fianco. I'm a fianco. Yeah. What if your, what if your fiance, her best friend on Snapchat was Dave Rosenberg? Um, I mean so many, I would have so many other questions if that were the case. I, I think at the point, at the time where you're a fiance, you've a fiance, I definitely trust my fiance enough to be like,

I just know for a fact she would never become best friends with Dave Rosenberg on Snapchat. But if they were, I would think that Dave was up to something nefarious and not her. So that's why I think at the very least you have to do some investigating to find out what's going on. Yeah, I can see the guy being nefarious and the girl being like, oh, we're just having fun. I've seen girls that are just like – are a little bit clueless to the fact that all guys want to F them.

My theory is that your dude friend is an asshole. He's trying to fuck her actively. And your girlfriend has like an innocent crush on him. Like nothing would ever happen, but I like getting his snaps and stuff. So I keep it up. You got a team with a girl to fuck with a guy. Being like, is this crazy?

What are we doing? And then it's like both of you together and then see how he responds. And be like, let's fucking meet up. This guy's out of town. Eddie's leaving town for a little bit while you want to come over and watch a movie. Then you set up a little sting operation. Nice.

So you're hiding in the closet. And you dig a really, really deep hole outside of your house. Yeah, that's covered. Layered with like tiny little twigs and leaves. Oh, I see. Yeah, like outdoor style. Yeah. And then he comes over and he steps on the twig pile assuming that there's solid ground underneath it.

And then all of a sudden he falls onto all the spikes that you've planted down below. So he's stuck there and his feet are on the spikes. And then you come out. Up through his knee. He is not getting out. He's begging for a swift death and that's all he wants. He just doesn't want to bleed out. Not like this.

It doesn't have to end like this. I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this. You start pouring a lighter water. Like a watering can? He's like, no, no, I don't want to end like this. I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this. You start pouring like a lighter water, water, like a watering can. He's like, no, no,

I don't want to shower mate. Yeah. But turns out, yeah, it is lighter. It's gasoline. Yeah. And then you don't have the fucking balls to,

to, to, to like the match. So you want, you toss him the match. No, you touch him, toss him the match.

Yeah. So, you know, you're like, you're not getting out. You're either going to starve or bleed to death. Got it. And like, and then it's honestly, then it's suicide stuff he kills himself that's

on him starve to death yeah like because he's in the hole he's stuck i see and then he's like so the quickest way out is to burn himself alive yeah and then you look at your girlfriend after all this is said and or done and you say who's your best friend, who's your best friend now? Who's your best friend on Snapchat now? Jesus Christ. And then she opens the phone. It's still him because like nothing's changed. And then you realize that she's called 911. Yeah.

Of course. Obviously. Like distant, you see, you hear the lights, you see the lights, you hear a distant siren. You say,

what the hell? I thought we were, I thought you were my girlfriend. I thought we were bae. And it's, it's so foggy. It's just like you know you're sort of you can't even see through the lights because they're so blinding all you can do is

hear the sirens all of a sudden you're falling into your own hole why how because you're you're backed away i use from your from your girlfriend i don't know you anymore i don't know you anymore whoa oh oh no Oh, no. It was that deep of a hole. Insane. Yeah. When did you dig it? Yesteryear.

That's awesome, dude. All right. Well, that's our little bit of advice. Let's take a break. We'll come back, answer some more questions right after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lififters. Yeah. Visionlifters with a Z

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Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6 six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back heyo headgerm headgerm head guam head guam head guam so we are launching uh the new the new official guam office uh It's in downtown Guam. And we're just looking for 50 to 70 able-bodied men and women

to fill up an office. That's so many more than work in our New York and LA studios. I know, but this is head Guam after all. This is the flagship Guam. No, head gum is looking for fall interns. We're looking for two types of interns, office intern and AV intern.

Yep. Someone to help with the video and then someone to help around our office. More information at headgum.com slash about. And you can submit application materials to hey at headgum.com. Previous interns include none other than current producer marissa that's right marissa melnick uh current ad sales planner i think uh is marika's title out in new york uh-huh uh the dumbass himself jeffrey james that's right uh so there is i think marty started as intern, or he still is, but that's still...

Marty started as an intern, but not at this company. Right. Yeah, we were all interns one day. Have you ever been an intern? I was College Humor's first intern. There you go. Actually, second intern. Interns.

But the only one that fucking mattered. That's really cool, man. Thanks, man. So we're looking for some great people. Send your resumes. Check it out. Go to headgum.com slash about. I believe they got to be LA residents, and they have to come into our office two to three

days a week. And you got to be a college student, I imagine, right? Yeah, I believe so. Okay. You find out the requirements at headgum.com slash about, correct? Yeah, school credit only. Cool. And then it's not, we're only one week away

from our, actually less than, by the time this comes out, our Boise show. Oh, shit. Weed M Boise. Hold up, hold up. We're making noisy. I don't know how many people are gonna come to this show. It's in Idaho.

It's in Idaho. But we've never been to Idaho, So if you live in or around Idaho, if you live within a couple hours, drive a Boise, I expect you to be there. Holler at your Boise. We'll be there. I want to put the information somewhere, but I don't know where. It's at Boise State University. And it's free to students, $10 to everybody else, which is very, that's pretty cheap. $10. Do they have, this is such a stupid question, but does Idaho do American cash?

You are such a, you're a coastal elite, and that's why I'm going to fucking crush it at Boise, and you're going to go in there with your, I'm going to crush and you're going to mush. I'm serious, I really think they pay with potato discs. I'm going to, yeah, well, I'm going to crush, I'm going to mush. I'm serious. I really think they pay with potato discs. I'm going to crush. I'm going to do crunchy French fry potato. You're going to do mushy, mushy French potato.

I really think that if you're a businessman in Idaho, you take out your wallet and it's just mashed. It's mashed little potatoes everywhere. Inside your wallet, inside your shoes. People take off their hat. When we went to Iowa, you thought that they paid in corn. And when we went to Iowa, you thought that they paid in corn. Corn, yeah. And when we went to Florida, you thought the currency was an orange.

Or an alligator, that's correct. A humid cubic foot of air. I just think, I guess I think chief exports are currency. I guess that's my bad. That is your bad. You want to feel old? Sure.

California was purchased with an avocado. All right. It really was. Good it really was good stuff anything else you wanted to talk about before we get back into it um two things holy shit yeah two and what number one i want everybody to be ordering my mother's cookies oh she's not yet has everybody not ordered them yet i don't i don't think so oh really there are some people who haven't my mother said that she didn't get a lot of orders over the weekend. Why?

You're mad at me? And that makes her sad. And I'd like her not to have to go back to teaching. I don't want her to have to be a teacher. Your mom is sad at you? She's sad at you. What? You haven't talked about Jake's mom's cookies enough.

I've eaten five of them in the last week. Yeah, she sends us cookies. I do like the cookies. I obviously love the cookies. And you haven't tweeted? You haven't Instagram? My mom would like you to do a Periscope. I really think...

She'd like you to Meerkat next time you get a box. Meerkat? I think she wouldn't mind if you snapped once in a while, Bloomin' Felt. She'd love for you to be a brand ambassador. You're an influencer. You haven't even put it on your goddamn story. All right, I'll put it on my story and I'll shout from the rooftop.

Don't do it just because I asked you to. All right, then I won't. Well, no, you really should do it because she asked you to. jakesmomscookies.com I hadn't eaten them actually because I was on a diet trying not to eat too much sweets and stuff,

but I couldn't resist and I had one last week. And? My God. Love my mother. And? If she didn't make those cookies, whoever did would be my mom.

That's how you decide. My second announcement? Anyway, I ordered the cookies. Mom, you can go fuck yourself. I love you, mother. Mother. Order my mother's cookies. Oh, mother must be making cookies.

Sweet treats for the feet. And you can wash it down with mother's milk. What's mother's milk? I don't want to go there. I already did. Make some, share some retweets for mom's sweet treats. Suckle at the teat of mother oh it's just dough mother you've become a cookie mother i am your little chocolate chip mother uh okay second announcement

my mom is divorcing me in the friends pilot okay jennifer aniston uh her character of Rachel was 25. Oh wait, in the pilot, she was 24. She was 24? Yes. And Monica, Monica's character? Yeah. 25. Phoebe Buffay, care to guess?

24? 27. Oh, 27. Joey Tribbiani, care to guess? 23. 25. Chandler Bing, care to guess? 27. Oh, 27. Joey Tribbiani, care to guess? 23. 25. Okay. Chandler Bing, care to guess?

27. 26. Fuck! And Ross Geller. My last fucking chance. Care to guess? 42. One time! Keep in mind, he and Chandler were college roommates.

Oh, fucking him and Monica are twins. Not twins. Brother and sister? Brother and sister. And how old did you say Monica was? 25. So Ross is 26. Same age sister? Brother and sister. And how old did you say Monica was? 25. So Ross is 26. Same age as Chandler, correct.

Wait, so Ross and Monica aren't twins, but they're brother and sister born one year apart. Yeah. That makes sense. Irish twins, if you will. And remember, Chandler was Ross's college roommate. Anyway, so now we know the general age of their fictional characters. Now I've got the age of the actors playing them. They had to have all been over 30, right?

Jennifer Aniston playing Rachel at 24 was? 29? 25. What? 25? Courtney Cox playing Monica at 25 was? 30? 30.

Correct. Lisa Kudrow playing Phoebe Buffay at 27. 32. 31. Okay. Matt LeBlanc playing Joey Tribbiani, 25. Oh, he was young. I'm going to go same age, 25.

26. Fuck! Very close. Chandler Bing playing, or Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing at 26 was? 27. The youngest friend of all, 25. He was younger than his character? Yep.

Wow. And David Schwimmer playing Ross Geller at 26 was? 28. 27. Okay, so they were all in their 20s. Everybody but Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow. I mean, they're pretty young. That's young.

They're all younger than we are now. That's crazy. That's so young to be the stars of a hit must-see TV NBC primetime. NBC Thursday? Come on! Alright, pull up Caroline in this fucking city. Let's see how old Rhea Perlman's character was. So she was a thousand.

Yeah, she traded she was Satan. She was Lucifer. She, I guess as a young pilgrim traded in for eternal youth. Tr traded her soul to the devil. I'm so sorry to hear that. Pretty nuts. Oh, sorry.

It's Leah Thompson, not Rhea Perlman. Okay. Oh, so she was 28. Yeah. That's awesome. Did you watch those other shows, those NBC shows? I think I watched Caroline in the City. Yeah.

I mean, I watched Seinfeld. I watched, but I mean, nothing like Friends. There was nothing like Friends. Nothing like Friends. There was, I wonder if primetime shows

are just as good now to 13 to 15 year olds or if they were actually a lot better when we were a kid. No, I think they were actually a lot better

because that's the only TV there was. Now there's such a wide breadth of television. Yeah, all the good shows have fleed to smaller channels. Except for the Will and Grace is back baby! Woo! It is funny that it's like Will and Grace is back,

Fuller House, we're just like boy meets world again. Yeah, girl meets world again. They're rebooting it. But it's gritty this time. All right. That was a fun little guessy game, but let's get back to what we're here to do. Help anonymous humans get out of their sticky wiki situations.

Sticky wiki. What do we got? We are... Oh, we got a lady. Susan? Susan. Oh, that's Ross's first wife? Yeah. Cool. Ross and... No, lady. Susan? Susan. Oh, that's Ross's first wife? Yeah.

Cool. Ross and, no, Susan. Susan? Yes, Julia I'm thinking of. Julia's the Asian one. I don't remember Julia. I was just watching one with Emily where he says, I love you. She says, thank you.

Yeah. That's a good one. There's a lot of answering machine stuff in Friends. Yeah. Which is funny. Or I remember the one where we were on a break ross was out and rachel was by the phone she's like oh pick up pick up like calling his house like oh he's not home right it's so funny like can you imagine that one texts she he says i love you and then she gets on the plane then he's just like i have

to go i can't do anything she's she's gone yeah she gets on the plane, and then he's just like, I have to go. I can't do anything. She's gone. Yeah. She gets back to England and calls him. But there was no communication until then. We should pitch a show that's friends but with texting. Ooh, interesting. So it's friends but they can text.

Isn't there a show sort of like Modern Seinfeld where they do Twitter? There's a Twitter account. Yeah, Modern Seinfeld. Cool. Anyway, Emily, Julie, Susan writes, definitely in the midst of a sticky situation and could use some outside perspective. My sister has been dating a terrible dude for almost three years now and I can't stand him. His resume is as follows.

Divorced. Survivor of a jet ski accident. That's a good thing. Proud recipient of three DUIs. One of them being on the jet ski. Recently paroled from jail for said DUIs. Lives in a motel. Drives an unregistered truck with no license and insurance.

Works under the table. Recently kicked a dent into his car and accused her of stealing... Sorry, recently kicked a dent into her car and accused her of stealing his truck, in which he leaves all the keys and all of his earthly possessions when he's chilling in the motel after a week-long breakup last month. I think that's the short list. I haven't been able to talk to my sister because I really just can't understand why she would choose to share her life with this person. I've told her about countless times how I feel and how and only get in trouble for being mean.

How can I pretend to ignore his existence without going berserk? I apologize that this email is so long, but I can't emphasize what a dipshit this guy is. Thanks. You guys are the best. Love, Susan, Emily, Julie. So nice that he survived an accident.

That's cool. You only get out of jail for parole on good behavior. Some of this stuff just seems fine. Divorced is not necessarily a black mark. We don't know what that situation came from. DUI charges, that's not good. He's driving under the influence. Survivor of a jet ski accident,

that's, you know, decent. So we have two pros and one con. It's like he's... Unless you want to count all three DUIs as con. He's racist, but he twisted his ankle once, so he has crutches. So that's okay. All right, that's okay.

He lives in a motel. I think this whole thing's a push. Overall. Works underutches. So that's okay. All right. That's okay. He lives in a motel. I think this whole thing's a push. Overall. Works under the table. That's fine. Not everybody likes to sit at the chair, you know? So he has a laptop under the table and he's trading stocks. Sometimes you don't like someone and then you start like saying like, yeah, what about this, this and this? But then you're like, the things that you're grabbing aren't necessarily bad. Like you just don't like his personality probably and then you're grabbing

some things like DUI, which is actually bad, and then a jet ski accident, which is fine. Right. But I do, all of the bad things seem really bad.

Kicking a dent into her car, that's pretty bad. That's dangerous. That's really bad. That's scary. Unregistered truck is bad. Yeah. No license, bad.

But she's already voiced her displeasure yeah i don't know what you can do beyond that what you can do is say i just don't want to see him so you can be like i'm not i'm not gonna i'm not gonna disown you as my sister but at the same time i don't want to see him if enough family members do that then it's like oh this is a weird situation why do none of my family members want to hang out with me? Isn't that dangerous? Because then you can alienate them both together. Right.

And then that forges a stronger bond than before. Yeah, but what else? What about... I'm talking about manipulation, bud. I'm talking about we all hang out together and then he goes off to the bathroom. Didn't Chuck say such a dumb thing just before? I think it's kind of dumb. You plant the little seeds. Like, oh, yeah, you don't have a registered truck i guess you're a moron i

guess you're a bad guy and then you just you just needle needle you can't do that from a far away yeah you say you if you say i wash my hands of this and you walk away all of a sudden you you you've left her alone with with the guy that gets to put his own spin on everything. She has no point counterpoint, no devil and angel on her shoulder. You've got to stay the angel on the shoulder. If you're constantly saying, this guy's bad, this guy's bad, and she just yells at you for being mean, that's also seemingly not helpful. You have to say it all the time that this guy's bad.

You just plant differences. This guy's bad. This guy's dumb. This guy's cheap. This guy has anger issues. Yeah. Different ones. Different little ones.

All the kernels of truth planted, and they will blossom into beautiful, beautiful flowers of knowledge. And then she'll dump this guy. What if you focus on the dangerous ones? You'd be like, listen, I don't care that he got into a jet ski accident. Hell, I think that's pretty fucking awesome. But I am afraid about your safety and well-being. I mean, he's kicked your truck. That's a little weird.

He's got anger issues. Don't ever drive with him when he's drunk because this dude has a bunch of DUIs. We're worried about you. We're worried about you, Julie Janis' sister. How can I pretend to ignore his existence without going berserk? Maybe you don't ignore his existence.

Yeah, I think you needle, and I think you manipulate, and I think you plant the seeds, and I think you know how to do it. And if it comes to it, if this guy is actually fucking violent, if he's a real danger, then you gotta have a straight-up intervention.

Ah, good old-fashioned intervention. Yeah, or you could fucking arc this dude out. You see him? You snitch. You'd be a rat. You tell the cops about this unregistered truck, you get him thrown right back into jail.

You see interventions a lot on TV and movies. Have you ever actually seen or heard of a real intervention? I've never participated in one. I think they... On either side? Oh, people have tried to intervene with my shit all the time. Oh, I can't remember the last time I got home and my entire friends and family weren't there. All you got to do is be like, not right now, not right now.

I know, I know, I know, I know. I can't do it right now. I love what you guys are doing. This is great. This is great. I also think I have a problem. You're right. I do have a problem.

All right. Bye. You guys, this was so funny. I have this thing. I have a lasagna in the oven. I do have a problem. All right. Bye. You guys, this was so funny. I have this thing. I have a lasagna in the oven and I have to take care of it. All right, guys. Ciao. Cheers.

And they all just, they've gone along with that. Nobody wants to be there anyway. Yeah. At that point, they're just. They're like, all right, we did what we could. He said cheers. He said ciao. Yeah.

That's fine. No, yeah. That's good. I actually, it would be, I think interventions are great. They're probably very, very tough. But I think they're, when they're necessary, you got to do it. What are you going to do? You really got to save it.

You really got to save it for, like, the big things. Like, I fear an intervention where it's, like, opinion-based. Like, we all think this guy isn't good. Right. But, I mean, if he's, like, if he's denting trucks and like accusing people of stealing, that's like, that's inching towards fucking slitting her throat or something. This isn't like. Yeah, that's a worst case scenario. This isn't like, oh, this guy's a jerk.

He makes you pay for dinner all the time. Right. This is, we're past the realm of normal bad behavior. Right. So just keep an eye on it. And let's not forget the jet ski accident. The guy yells out in the back of the intervention, are we just going to gloss past the fact that he was holding a jet ski

and then he fell off and- He came out without a scratch. I mean, you're fucking, he's unbreakable. All right. There it is. Manipulate. Deceit. Deceit. That's right. Ruin. Slowly. Needle. Chip away. All right. There it is. Manipulate. Deceit. Ruin.

Slowly. Needle. Chip away. Needle. All right. That's our time. Thanks for listening. This was episode 296.

We only have a few episodes left. Holy shit. We got some good guests lined up, so get excited for those. We want to finish our third century. Yeah, we want to finish our third century strong. Oh, and by the way, we're retiring the podcast at 300. It will be our last episode.

All right, so ciao, everybody. Thank you. The opening theme song was written by Dan and Jamie. The closing one is written by Hell If We Know, a band, Hell If We Know, theme song submission. Oh, they have a podcast called Hell If We Know theme song submission oh they have a podcast

called Hell If We Know alright so you can you can check out their podcast if you like their songs so much you want to hear more

of their voices thanks to Hell If We Know thanks to Jamie and Dan thanks to everyone who's written in email address for everything everything is at fireyshow at gmail.com

you know what fuck it let's keep going oh you want to go past 300 we're going past 300. We're unretiring. All right. We're bringing it back.

We're not in retirement. We're bringing it back. Our second wind. I love it. That should really rejuvenate us. That's right. Awesome. We're going to stick around.

We'll see you guys soon. All right. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later.

Later. Later. Later. Looking for the answers, looking for the way Looking for a new word when there's no words left to say Looking at bae, now she's making that phase But the problem is I don't know how to get past second base But in comes Jake, Mr. BWF Cake Not a moment too late

Set you straight, assess your fate Progress that date and maybe get you laid But that's not really what it's all about Not the show not life um you know there's a lot of other things going on and you can assess your own priorities and they can help you do that too if that's what you're looking for and amir is really cool too but just in a really different way it's it's a preferential really kind of thing but i highly recommend the show and i'm hoping that this is just going to be a ramble where i can fade out

and that that'll work because i don't have any more ideas for lyrics per se. But that's the show. Also, if you're looking for another podcast to listen to, try Hell If We Know by Jonathan Freeman, Esme, and Chris Aubrey. That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.