Segments - 297: Lightning Round 4 (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

Friend, co-worker, and dumbass Geoffrey James join us to tackle as many questions as possible.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go Let's go Let's go Let's go

Let's go Let's go If I were you Tops? I don't think I ever said that Those words For them to sample my voice You think he created it? I think he did.

I mean, you could MIDI keyboard each vowel, each letter and kind of put it together. Yeah. You think he just made your voice out of songs? I'm on board for that, actually. Oh, you like that? I think he could use that to frame me in some way. Actually, that's a guy we've used before.

His name is Don Keanian. Remember that name? Oh, I do. Don Keanian back. Wants us to shout out his Squarespace site for his music and stuff, which is skyportmedia.biz. Huh. Easy to say, easy to remember, rolls off the tongue. Have you ever, Jeffrey James in the studio, I should say. Jeffrey James. Thanks for having me. Have you ever bought a domain name? Of course.

What do you got? Well, my current website is JeffreyJames.com was taken.com. Awful. Nice. I also own JeffreyJames.com. Yeah, but that just forwards you to JeffreyJames.com was taken.com. Yeah, look at that. JeffreyJames.com

was taken.com. By who? Oh, who's JeffreyJames.com? He's an English author, and he comes up first on any kind of search. You'll never get that back. Oh, yeah. Look at him. He's a wacky looking guy. All right.

What else you got? I think there was a short film that I did in high school called Check, Please. There was CheckPleaseFilm.com. I don't think I have it anymore. But for the time that it was going through festivals. It's still available then. Yeah. Now it'sfilm.com. I don't think I have it anymore, but for the time that it was going through festivals. It's still available then. Now it's available. Yeah, why don't you,

maybe that's your next Squarespace ad is checkpleasefilm. Because I have been phoning it in lately. Have you ever bought domain names? Did you ever get into that whole game? Yeah, but I mean, I don't remember any of the ones that I, Ewan Streeter bought Jew York Crimes, didn't you? Yeah, he bought that and forwarded it to New York Times. Let's see if it's still doing that.

What about Jew York Rhymes? No, it's no longer available. He must have let it expire. Wow. I went through a phase in high school where I was buying domain names, trying to sell them on the secondary market. How's that?

Very, very smart. Did you make money? What was the best one you had? I remember an embarrassing one that I had that I thought was really good, but nobody ever wanted it. I was like 17, so I was probably too smart to think that the domain name that I bought, finebanking.com,

and asking my parents for $70 to buy finebanking.com. The weirdest part was that it was F-I-E-N-N-E-S banking. Rafe Bank. Yes, just in case Rafe ever created anything. And then I'll just sell it to, like, Wells Fargo or some shit. Because their banking is fine. It's all right. Didn't you have a domain name called, like, iPhone Games or iPod Games?

Yeah, that was more than that. That was, like, an entire business, iPodArcade.com. Oh, yeah, that's right. Before iPods can play games, my buddy Amir Cohen and I bought iPodArcade.com and sold text games. Wait, did you develop games? Well, they were text games, so it was only trivia games. But then before you knew it, when people searched iPod games, ours was number one. So then when iPods got games, we were able to like monetize it that way.

Did you put ads on there? We put ads on it. And like we made like a couple hundred bucks, which was really exciting. We probably made like $10,000 over the course of a decade. That's insane. I went there. We don't even own the URL and there's a different website on it. iPodArcade.com is not ours.

It's been stolen from under our feet. I'm sorry to tell Amir Cohen the bad news. Oh yeah, I used to have that website called Roboboring. What's that? Roboboring? What's that? It was a Tumblr blog about robots. Of course. Did you

write entries about robots? I would draw little cartoons of robots and put it on there. Roboboring.com. Yeah. Gone now, huh? Gone forever. Fuck.

All our great domains. You know a domain name I bought like 10 years ago and I kept just because I think somebody will buy it? Notify.com. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah, but with a D. Oh. Then that's bad. Remember when we went to... Oh, wait. You know what that is? This is my pitch for good. Yeah, but with a D. Oh. Then that's bad.

Remember when we went to... You know what that is? And this is my pitch for it. Yeah. Is anybody who has, you know, issues with their lymph nodes... Yeah. You know, a friendly... This is a doctor that'll tell you. Exactly right.

No, no, not even a doctor. It's like... Just a website. You have it. You just send it out. And like, it sends a, I guess, an email blast to all your friends and family, notifying them that you have, you know. Why do they need to know?

That you are sick? Yeah. You're right. It was a dumb idea. All right. You're not really quick to defend it, huh? I don't know. I don't even have the domain.

Fair. All right. This is not a domain name show, though it maybe could be. This is an advice show. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, Jake, and now Jeff. It's official. You're taking over for one of us

and we'll decide who it is by the end of this episode. God to the death. For who gets to leave. For this episode. For this episode. You host the podcast with a dead guy afterwards.

But you get to choose the dead guy. I don't. This is. How are you? How are you not taking this offer? I don't seemingly have a choice. I am holding a gun to you. All right.

So instead of emails for this episode, I tweeted. Anybody got a question for us? We're going to do lightning round. I got 160 replies. Wow. Can we go through them all? Probably not. We can try. Maybe we can go through them all? Probably not. We can try.

Maybe we can go through a shit ton of them, lightning round style, try to answer as many as possible. Does that sound good to you guys? Yes. All right. Does anything come off, pop out to you guys right off the bat? I've got a good one. It's, is it wise to un-ghost yourself after a ghosting?

Oh, wow. Come out of ghost return. Come back from the dead. So somebody's ghosted you and then you're like, by the way. No, no. You ghosted them. You ghost someone and they want to just pop back in. Oh, so you ghosted someone and then you want to bring them back into your life?

Yeah. You are the ghost and you come back from the dead. That person is going to have a real low self-esteem if they were ghosted and then down to give you another shot. Everybody has low self-esteem. I've done this before. None lower than me. That's really good, actually. I've done it.

You've ghosted someone for how long? Months. Month or two. And then you're like, hey, sorry about that. There's been a case where it was an entire year. Yeah, and you return with an apology. I think what helps is you have to see. I was in a coma.

From Notify. I was in a coma. I feel like that might be the only way to do it. Yeah. Cleanly. By the way, I think I was dead for a year. That's why I sort of ignored you for months at a time. Don't you feel bad about some of those texts I got?

No, you're the asshole. Do you remember you apologized with un-ghosting? I think what happened in my case was like I came, I saw them in real life or something, and then I followed up afterwards. Yeah. I don't think you can like go from straight ghosting texts to like talking on the same text thread. Yeah. Though I've also done that.

You see the, of course. You can do it on a different medium. You know, you like, you ghosted them over text, but you can slide into their DMs. And then you're like, I guess it depends on the context. If it was like someone you dated and actually ghosted versus like somebody you hung out with a few times and then you faded away.

There's different degrees of ghosting. I guess a straight, if you do full ghost, like out of nowhere, you're gone forever, then it's very, I don't know if you can really come back. But if you've done the patented Jake fade away.

Yeah, maybe you can fade back from away. I think you can fade back in. I was a serial ghoster for like two years. It was bad. You would just... It was a game to me. Cold turkey. No, but here's my thing.

That was a joke. But I did hurt some people. I hurt some people for sure and I won't apologize. But I think ghosting is a normal thing after three dates, right? Three dates, like two, three dates. You know, they get it.

Yeah, everyone speaks the language. But if you like were going, you know, two weeks, or not two weeks, a month, and you just dropped. Yeah. You don't have the right to ever talk to them again. Yeah, that's a little too much. I think it also depends on what you did, too, because you could... If you were having sex a lot,

it'd be awesome. But I think the more... Sorry, I'm at a chat room. The more sex you're having, the more unacceptable it is to ghost somebody. Absolutely. If you haven't had sex, ghosting is like...

That's like a fucking no-brainer to me. That's fine. That's good. It's good it's good get out while you still can they say alright we gotta go this is lightning round

we got a ghost nice oh yeah is quesadilla a sandwich writes Malachi Dempsey no good question absolutely not

yeah I would define sandwiches in between bread and a tortilla is they call it tortilla bread right it's a it's a wrap panini. I actually like that a lot.

It sounds like a sandwich to me. Huh? It's a Mexican grilled cheese. Here's a question. Is a grilled cheese a sandwich? Yes. Yeah. Is a turkey club a sandwich?

Yeah. Of course. Is a tuna sandwich a sandwich? Yes, these are all obviously... These are all saying sandwich. These are all... Hold on. Is a pasta a sandwich? No, pasta is not a sandwich. Okay. Is a tuna sandwich a sandwich? Yes, these are all obviously. You're all saying sandwich. Hold on. Is a pasta a sandwich?

No, pasta is not a sandwich. Okay. Is a rice a sandwich? One rice, one is a rice a sandwich. You're not smart enough to come up with a tricky one. I just think it's fun to ask people questions back when they ask me a question. For example, is this question a sandwich? No, right?

Obviously. Right? Because it's not food. I'll say it's not a sandwich. Yeah, it's not a sandwich, unfortunately. It's not going to be on the sandwich section of a menu. Jake, you got one? Which one of you has a more tan dick?

Obviously, Jeff. That's not a real. That one is. Are you shitting me? Orenthal J. Simpson. Yeah, that's definitely me. Orenthal Jake Hurwitz. Yeah, Jake wrote it.

Yep. Jeff, you got one? How does it feel like? Well, that's really good. I'm actually currently a little bit under the weather, so I can answer with that. I hate it. I know. Whenever Amir gets sick, it's like, you know how when you feel like you start to get a

cold and you sort of slide into illness over a week? Right. That's how I felt. But I get that for two weeks because when Amir's sick, I spend the whole entire week knowing that I'm going to get sick. Yeah.

And then the next week getting sick. Mine is a quick, it's a five day in and out. On Monday, I felt- Five day in and out. I have a fucking wedding to go to this weekend. I can't be ill. What do you want from me? I want you to be better.

I want you to take care of yourself. Wash your hands, drink enough fluid, get enough rest. Those are preventative. Never be sick. Yeah. Ever?

Ever. How's that sound? I get a cold once every two years. Yeah. I mean, I haven't had a cold in a bit, but you know, it's flu and cold season.

Yeah. Have you gotten a flu shot? Hmm? Flu shot? You don't need one if you don't get sick. No. Here's a question that I've often season. Yeah. Have you gotten a flu shot? Hmm? Flu shot? You don't need one if you don't get sick. No. Here's a question that I've often wondered. Yeah?

What's the best way to get out of awkward Uber slash Lyft conversations without being rude? Except not Uber because fuck Uber, says Marissa Rivera. How's the best way to get out of an Uber conversation? Yeah. You can do the fake phone call. I was going to say that. Fake phone call. But I'll actually call somebody, but then I'll pick up the phone like I picked it up, even though I called them.

I wonder if Uber and Lyft drivers see through that, even when it's fake. Because I've gotten real calls while I've been in a car before, too. But do you think they're just like, oh, fuck this guy. I don't have to talk to him. He's just ducking me i think if if they really start an in-depth conversation they don't pick up on social cues anyways because i would say the vast majority of people don't want to talk to their driver here's another question for you that this one uh stems from of the times that you've like your uber or lyft driver has forced you into a conversation where you like couldn't

back out of how often have you totally regretted having the conversation? Cause there've been a plenty of times for me where I didn't want to talk to somebody and then I end up talking to them for half an hour. And by the end I'm like, I really liked that person. That was great. For me, that's only happened once.

Every other time it's been like, that was a waste of energy and breath. Interesting. Yeah. But I talked to this one guy on my way to Wolf Down. Have you guys been yet? Oh, no, I haven't. On Rowena, right?

Really good. Oh, wait. Yes, I... No, I haven't. It's also a very like fall place. Yeah, that's true. Maybe once I get really sick, I can go there and sneeze into a soup. Continue?

Screw you, man. I don't think I want to. I'm just saying... You've ruined Wolf Down. Maybe I'll get a potato leak and I'll blow my nose into it potato bisque so we say

fake a phone call or or actually talk to them cause well it's different for girls cause it definitely sucks a lot more yeah David

Alien John writes when will you return to the Irvine improv and I just thought that was interesting because were you not at her? I was at that show.

That was crazy. You know who went with me? Was Rob, who interned here. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Because I didn't know. I mean, that was like my first month in LA, so I didn't have any friends, really.

Not that I'm not friends with Rob, but I was just like, you want to just go to this comedy show? You drove all the way to Irvine. We took the train from Union, I think, or something. Oh, nice. Yeah. friends with Rob, but I was just like, you want to just go to this comedy show? You drove all the way to Irvine. We took the train from Union, I think, or something. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's a great way to see the South LA. Any plans for a Pittsburgh visit, writes Brady Winner.

Any plans for a Pittsburgh visit? Not in the immediate future. But we have never been to Pittsburgh, and I would like to go. I want to do the whole Steel Town tour. Yeah, I'm trying to get these guys to come to Cleveland. There's one guy who follows me on Twitter who always favorites my tweets, and I just see he has the Indians logo. I think his name is Eddie Stahl.

Shout out, Eddie Stahl. All right, Eddie. Trying to get these guys to come to Cleveland. Is Cleveland part of the Rust Belt? Yeah. That's like a sad name for it. Because it's like defunct factories and stuff. That's why they call it the Rust Belt. We're like coming out of a depression, I guess. Yeah.

Like in the past five years. Because of LeBron. Yeah. So what happens when he leaves? I think... I don't know. I don't want to think about that. The Indians are doing well, so we'll have them. The Windians! Well, if they don't win tonight, we're out to think about that. The Indians are doing well, so we'll have them. The Windians. Well, if they don't win tonight,

we're out. Oh, right. Oh, right. It's Indians against Yankees. That's your team. That's right.

You guys should watch this baseball game. Uh, I'll be on a flight to Boise. Uh, sure. I will. Nah, nah,

nah, nah, nah, nah. Tell you what, let's both take Instagram pictures of our penises. All right. And then,

whoever, what's the best? whoever gets to take one now. Oh, five bucks? That's not bad. Anything else you guys find? I have one. What is the most attractive and least attractive name? Ooh. The answer to both is Anya.

You're right. I think a really attractive name is like, I was just thinking about this, like Bianca. That's good. I think a really attractive name is like a really delicious fruit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strawberry? No, like- Durian. Yeah.

Berry. Like. Berry. Like Barry Obama or like- Or banana. Nothing's hotter than a banana and nothing's uglier than a broccolini. Hi, I'm Broccoli Rob. Broccolini Rob. Broccolini Cobb. Hi, Cobb.

How come I can't open jars the first time? Because you're weak. Asshole. Do you watch Curb? Do you see the last episode where he's like, everyone wants to be the pickle hero? Is that this new season? Yeah.

I haven't seen it yet. Whenever someone can't open a jar, everyone's like, I can open it. Let me open it. And then there's the whole like, oh, I loosened it for you. I think the hand made it like more malleable trick is to lock your wrist so you're not turning it with your hand like you're turning it with like your arm yeah there's a great it's great to like really go like a hundred percent and then get it at the end

but it's really sad to go a hundred percent and then like still not be able to do it yeah i've never that's never happened to me oh really never that's really sad to go 100% and still not be able to do it. Yeah. That's never happened to me. Oh, really? Never. That's really cool. That's awesome, right? It's not true, but it's still pretty fucking cool. I don't know how to add to that.

Even if it's like a greasy little ketchup top and my hands are wet, I can still fucking pop. Hottest fan encounter? Oh, hottest fan encounter. There was that hot fan. I said hottest fan encounter oh hottest fan encounter there was that hot i said oddest the dockerty oh you're in full mask you're fully erect how is this okay oddest uh the two twins in london yeah we got we got followed around for a little bit by the two twins they were i thought it was just so funny because it seemed like, I mean, they were drunk, which is fine,

but we were all drinking with all of our friends in this bar, and some of the people from the show had come up to the bar, and these two British twins were acting like they were the only twins in the entire world, and they kept on coming up to us and being like hey twins yeah yeah look yeah two of you twins as if they we don't have twins as if we don't have a podcast on this network yeah i guess that is you guys are twins but we've seen it before it's not super original. It's hard to talk about odd fan encounters

because odds are all those people are still listening to the show. Of course. But I mean, there have been like, I guess odd is different than... I guess I didn't mean like that the fans were odd, but like the oddest circumstance. Like weirdest place that you have been recognized.

It's happened to me twice where I got, where I was recognized by like a big fan on an airplane and then I sat next to them for the entire flight. Yeah. Which is like one of the times I made great friends with the people, and we went and did a show at Yale, and we saw them. Oh, yeah. But then there are other times where you have to – I don't know. I do embarrassing shit on planes.

Yeah. you like have I don't know I do embarrassing shit on planes so like I could like the person a lot but like I want to stuff my face with a sandwich and watch a shitty movie but also like you lose your anonymity in a sense

where it's like that you know that person knows you and it just kind of makes like then you can't be yourself necessarily so I'm like I'm thinking

yeah you know don't meet your heroes or something like I sat next to Jake on a plane and he was farting and picking his nose the entire time yeah just want to be me just me being me you want me to tone it down you know that's what eminem said you know right go ahead sorry okay uh dylan avent avnet writes they had

made a movie slash television show about you guys what actors would you choose to play each other? Ooh. Say it again? What actors would play you in a movie? You would choose me and Jeff, and then I would choose Jeff and you. And then Jeff would try to do a standing backflip in that corner. Why do I have to do that?

I don't know. I'm just reading the questions, man. That's all in that tweet? Not the subtext. So you would be played by Mick Lovin. Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

And Jeff would be played by... Who do you look like? People tell me I look like that guy from the OA, but I don't know if he has the range. You think he...

The one doubt you have is that he's not good enough of an actor. That's exactly right. I think Jeff would be... What's the guy's name from... The Indian guy from Big Bang Theory? No, Ripley's Believe It or Not. Oh, Dean Cain. Oh, that's pretty good.

A young Dean Cain. I know who that is. You don't know who Dean Cain is? No. Dean Cain is You don't know who Dean Cain is? No. Dean Cain is a great reference. Yeah. Let me see. A Dean Cain.

Yeah, or like a Mario Lopez. Yeah. Jesus. Let me see Dean Cain. You gotta do young Dean Cain, though. My nickname in my fraternity was Russell Peters. Russell Peters. Yeah, he's like a Canadian comic.

Oh, yeah. But that's just because it was like the only brown stand-up that people knew. Yeah, I can see that. Jesus Christ. No, of course not. That looks like Jeff from the eyebrows down. And for you, I would choose none other than America's sweetheart, Shelley Duvall. Who's that?

You're ravishing. Thank you. You're absolutely ravishing. Insane. No, I think you look like The Mentalist. Who's that guy? Oh. Simon?

No. Is it? I know who you're talking about because people have said that to me before. Yeah, fuck. What was his name? The Mentalist. Do you know who I'm talking about? No. It's not Scott Speedman, is it? I know who you're talking about because people have said that to me before. Yeah, fuck. What was his name? The Mentalist. Do you know who I'm talking about?

No. It's not Scott Speedman, is it? No. Oh, Simon Baker. Let me see him. That's Simon Baker. Yeah. Yeah. I would maybe do Jake Gyllenhaal for Jake.

Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. Because I have the name Jake and I'm hot. Mostly that. No, it's just like the beard growth patterns in the eyes. Yeah.

And then a mirror. Jake Gyllenhaal's brown hair and a beard. You've never seen an actor dye their hair? He's never shaved their... Well, he will go blonde for this role. You look like Marty. I'm serious. This guy fucking looks like Marty Michael.

And Marty was born first, so you know Jake copied. Actually, Jake Gyllenhaal can be like, if me and Jake had a hot son, this is what would come out. That doesn't even look like him. You don't think Jake Gyllenhaal- That doesn't look like Jake at all. That doesn't look like Jake Gyllenhaal at all. The Jake Gyllenhaal I know looks exactly like Jake. Okay, so you don't know the right one.

He's talking about Marty. Reverse bucket list. What is something you will never do again? Writes David Zaragoza. That was from Reddit. Yeah, that was a Reddit question today. He took it. That's fine.

It's a great question. What would you never do again? Never do again. But you've done it once. Oh, I got a good one. High school. Why would I ever go back? It's not a fun answer.

Oh, sorry. I don't know when we'd do that again. That's sort of like gaming the question. Yeah, all right, all right, all right, junior high. I feel like I'm on high alert now. Never do again. Yeah, then my 15th birthday then. Oh, that's pretty good. Mine might be skydiving. Oh, you never do it again? You would never do it then my my 15th birthday then oh that's pretty good mine might be skydiving

oh you know you would never do it again yeah i had an amazing time i recommend everyone does it once but i did that when i was like in my mid or early 20s yeah and now i'm afraid i've grown fearful in my old you've done more you've accomplished more and now you could like if you did now i can lose it all i That's fair. I don't know. I sometimes think about like, I can't believe that I jumped out of a plane. Yeah. And I wouldn't, I couldn't imagine doing it again. Sometimes I just lie awake at night thinking like, that was cool.

Did you do it? No. I do it often. Yeah. I often think how cool I am. Jeff actually lies awake thinking about you skydiving. Yeah. And how cool I am.

Do you have one? Huh. You want it serious or crazy? Let's go serious. XM Satellite Radio. What are your favorite college humor moments? Just because that cake email seemed to really, people liked. Oh, favorite college humor moment.

The all-nighters stand out where we stayed up all night making videos. Yeah. Do you remember that time? This just reminds me of it. When Josh, our bosses, Josh and Ricky, had a $100 gift certificate to Nobu. Yeah. Like a really fancy sushi place. And they said they were going to give it to the person who stayed in the office the longest.

That's so funny. And me and Amanda, Iowa, and Chris Collins all stayed in the office for four straight days. And then I think in the end, me and Amanda held hands and walked outside at the same time. And we split the gift certificate, but we've still never, ever gone to notebook. That's so funny. So did you know that that was the challenge or you got to work that day? I got to work that day.

So you weren't prepared for it. I was actually uniquely prepared because I think I had like... Because I can hold my breath. I had come in from visiting my girlfriend at college or something. So I had a backpack. I had like all my stuff.

Oh, interesting. Jeff, do you have a favorite college humor memory? I didn't work there. Oh, I guess not. Loser. We rule. Let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions and answers.

Lightning round style. Opa lightning round stuff. Fuck. Later. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace

for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name

for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase

of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squ of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

And we've returned. Jeff, are you any closer to making your own podcast? I feel like the people are in need of it at this point. I really am interested. I just don't, it has to be a self-sustaining idea. This is something that I've said again, open to pitches. Yeah. And the one pitch that I got from the last time I was, I was pretty good. Oh, well, what's that? It was like, pitch fake movie. I think it's something along the lines where you have guests on and you pitch fake movie ideas, cast, and then do improvised scenes or something but i feel like i don't know

something in that something that like people who don't know me would still enjoy the show because i feel like not enough people know who i am for it to just be like oh like jeffrey james's podcast well all our listeners know who you are now if you're listening to this podcast i love that by the way uh would so would you like take pitches like synopsis like a logline fan submitted fan submits a log title or or logline i feel like yeah or log lines it would have to just be like a fan submits a a brief synopsis yeah maybe like you set the character limit right yeah because part of the fun is going to be coming up with the log line, coming up with the title, coming up with the cast, the trailer, and then the scenes. But that's like, there's so much improvising and, uh, yeah.

What if they can just provide you with one of them and then you'd have to extrapolate based on there. So like I would provide you a punny title. Somebody else might provide you a premise. Somebody else might just provide you with the cast. Like I'll say Rob Schneider and... And then I have to get Schneider in the room. That's right.

Oh, that's very hard to sustain. Of course. You want to get all the cast in the room? It's tri-monthly released. And you want to write the movie? That's every three months. It's not three times a month? No.

That's thrice monthly. No, not in this case. And that's the name of the show. Thrice monthly? Yep. A bi-monthly podcast starring Jeff Monthly. No, not in this case. And that's the name of the show. Thrice Monthly? Yep. A bi-monthly podcast starring Jeff Monthly? Your last name is Monthly. M-U-N.

Anything else to talk about before we just dive right back into these lightning round styles? Oh, new announcement. We're doing two more HeadGum Live shows at UCB. They're not for a while, but UCB Sunset, November 16th at 8.30 p.m. Thursday.

You gave us that 8.30 slot, huh? Yeah, Thursday too. Better day of the week. Damn. December 16th, Saturday night, 7 p.m. Saturday night? Saturday night at 7?

Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Okay, so that'll be the show. Don't come, you already heard it. Cool. Where can people get tickets? Headcum.com perhaps?

It'll be UCBtheater.com, but they're not released yet. Of course. Where would they be? Packing lunches is time consuming, writes Brennan Spinney. What are your favorite easy-to-pack lunches to bring to work? Packing lunches is time-consuming, writes Brennan Spinney. What are your favorite easy-to-pack lunches to bring to work? Chicken satay.

Packing lunches. Jesus. Packing. I don Jesus. Packing... I don't really bring lunch to work. Yes, you do. You bring lunch to work more than anybody else in the office. Well, that's... My lovely fiance does that for me.

Wow. Sometimes. And it's not... Cod. That's right. Tupperware. That's usually just like we cook dinner, and if there's leftover dinner, we put it in a Tupperware and's usually just like we cook dinner and if there's

leftover dinner we put it in a Tupperware and bring it out but if you didn't make the dinner if I didn't make the dinner then her ass gets up early and makes me lunch

that's enough I make dinner every single night I never ever go out to dinner really never go out to dinner oh that's the life

my kitchen's such shit it's like it's like it's like a really long skinny room. It's like what bread lounge used to be. Hashtag boycott bread lounge, by the way. And it's just, it's so bad to cook in. The appliances are from the 1960s. It's not a good spot for that. Your kitchen's pretty nice. Cause it's like, it's like a U so you can turn around, get everything, you know. It's got counter space. It's got, it's got the oven. Much like the new bread lounge, hashtag boycott bread lounge.

Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. How's the AC situation? Because I remember in your house the last time the loft was excruciatingly hot. Oh, I'm glad you asked. The air conditioning has been fixed. It still doesn't reach the loft, but it's gotten cold enough that it doesn't matter. Right.

Is that going to become the master? It will, ideally, by next summer, become the master. Okay. The loft and the upstairs of my house. Oh, you'll get the air conditioning figured out. Yeah. That's, yeah. It's not that expensive, especially now that I saw how much planning a wedding is.

I'm like, oh, I could do the AC 300 times. Just don't make me plan the wedding. All I have to do is not get married meanwhile uh the heater broke of course yeah so that's just another oh it's freezing yeah and i have not had the gumption to fix it the gall i haven't had the gall to make the call fair make the call have the wherewithal to make the call well i made the i made the call they came to the house uh and and the house and I got the quote. You got the quote?

That's all you need? Well, you need to execute. You're a journalist. What? No, you have to, then you have to have them come over and fix the fucking gaskets.

I thought you just shoved the quote in the wall and it became... No, like you faxed your furnace and it can just diagnose the problem. As long as we have the quote.

If only. Actually, speaking of faxes, did you guys read the one about having a fax coming out of your asshole? Yeah, I did. Wait, it was Oh, here we go. No. Charlotte Garza writes, would you guys rather be able to carbonate anything with your fingertip or be able to use your butt as a fax machine?

You can use your phone as a fax machine. Yeah, of course the carbonate one. Carbonate, yeah. But which one is a better party trick carbon the carbonate the carbonite

people are drinking at the party not faxing at the party so we're both at a party and it's a lit little club and you want to shove a piece of paper into your ass

no I don't shove it in it's a fax well you put things into the fax too have you ever seen how a fax works so Jake's in the corner like fucking sticking his dirty ass

fingers in water, turning into club soda. And my fingers are dirty. You're talking about your asshole. He's by himself. Meanwhile, I'm fucking spread eagle on the dance floor. Shorty call 911. This fire is burning. There's faxes coming right out of my rectum. Seriously, just fucking call

979-555-8852. Hey, don't just give away Marty's number. And there's legit paper faxes coming out of my asses. Yeah. Yeah, no, of course. You'd be alone there in that scenario as well. That's fair. Both are bad party tricks, but if you need one, the carbonate thing.

Because at least it has to do with drinking. Even if it wasn't coming out of your ass it's all a fax all right relax man you're getting all like you know what I'm not gonna relax you're all in my face it's all sharing a mic Danny chinchilla writes in your opinion what's the best sitcom of all time Oh Arrested Development ooh

friends Oh but rest of's really up there. Those are my two tops. I just, I grew up on that. It's really funny, because I grew up, I guess, I think I grew up on Friends, but really, like, fine-tuned the comedy on Arrested Development. Yeah. So if you grew up on Arrested Development, where do you fine-tune? What did you like when you were in, like, high school and college?

Uh, shit. Well, you're still in college. Right. Yeah, Silicon Valley, I guess. No shit. Wow. Which is so funny because you have friends on that show. Yeah.

Yeah. Like the people that we came up with. Yeah. And have totally eclipsed us. I Dream of Jeannie. I'm not going to take it easy. I Dream of Jeannie is the best sitcom of all time. And I say that without ever seeing a single episode You know how I know?

How? Because it's black and white It's smart And it's so, so funny You wouldn't know those last two You haven't seen an episode Because you would know that it's black and white But then smart and funny is like you haven't seen it

Sorry, sorry, let's take it from the top I Love Lucy is the, bar none, the best sitcom of all time. And you know how I know. All right, nice. Well, you don't have to. Nobody else even said why it was so good. I haven't seen a single episode, and I'll give you five reasons. All right.

Lucy, Lucille Ball has it all. It's so funny, number two. Three, the acting on the show is second to three. You wouldn't know that. You wouldn't know any of this. The editing that it took to make that show was second to one. What's it second to? What's it second to?

Seinfeld. It's also a multi-cam sitcom, so the editing, it's all live. It's a control room. What's five? All right. Five is just that it's a gem. For whatever reason. It would be a gem for reasons one through four.

I guess I'm old-fashioned. You're not old-fashioned. You're a moron. Alright, I'll say Seinfeld then. Nice. Cool. What else you guys got? What's a coy way for me to call out a girl for flirting with me a lot while having a boyfriend? I don't want to be too confrontational

about it. What is the question? Calling out a girl for flirting with you when she has a boyfriend. Just don't want to be too confrontational about it. What is the question? Calling out a girl for flirting with you when she has a boyfriend. Just don't flirt back. But like he's, so if a girl is flirting with you and she has a boyfriend, it's, how do I call that out? Yeah, just shut up. Yeah. What do you say?

Relax. You're saying shut up or you're relaxing? I'm telling this guy to shut up and relax. So he says shut up and relax. No, it's not his business. What do you mean? I'm telling him, I'm saying get out of here. Wait, you're telling her to get out?

I'm saying, no, I'm saying just calm down. Back away. Back away. Who are you telling that to? All right, never mind. What's the jewiest thing you do on a daily basis? Jesus. Try to answer that without being an anti-Semite chef.

It's an anti-Semitic question. To answer it even would be anti-Semitic. What's the most Jewish thing you like? Perhaps the salami? Right? Rice? Do you like lox? Yeah, Wexler's is a pretty good man.

Yeah. It's a pretty Jew-y thing. Jake, what's the most Jewish thing you do? Make cash. Yeah, make cash. Or touch my circumcised penis. That's good. Make cash go away.

Is there a perfect number of friends to hang out with? Four. Four total? Oh, yeah. Unless you're at a party, in which case, 400. No, I like nine. That's your answer to the sitcom question, too. Perfect amount of friends to hang out?

Depends. There's so many factors. What are you doing? Are you at dinner? Are you at a bar? Drinks. Drinks? Like casual drinks.

No. Yoo-hoos. 10 a.m. It's Tuesday and everyone's late. The only place that I know that sells Yoo-hoos is the liquor store on my street. One Soylent, five straws, how many friends? Five then, I guess. Total?

No. Five drinking it. Ten in line. No, all guess. Total? No. Five drinking it. Ten in line. No, all right. Perfect amount. You're hanging out Saturday night having fun. I think eight maybe. Depends if there's couples involved because that changes everything.

Yeah. Yeah, somewhere between four and eight seems to be the answer. I'll go four total. Sushi or nachos, writes Cruzelle Brandon. Or Brandon Cruzelle if you're ordering it correctly. Sushi. The r, writes Cruzel Brandon Or Brandon Cruzel If you're ordering it correctly Sushi, the rarer the better The rarer?

The rarer? The rarer As raw as possible Sashimi, maybe Rarer Spicy tuna sticky rice Sushi or nachos Oh, nachos, really?

I mean, they're both so good. But if you had to choose two. Oh, do I have to choose two? Sushi and nachos. You can say both. Pasta and... Nachos. But yeah, if you can only eat one for the rest of your life,

or you couldn't, you have to sacrifice one for the rest of your life. Oh, I'd sacrifice sushi for the rest of my life. You'd't, you have to sacrifice one for the rest of your life. Oh, I'd sacrifice sushi for the rest of my life. You'd sacrifice nachos? Nachos, for sure. Yeah, because sushi's pretty, I'm going to make the pun,

but rare. So like, you can get rid of nachos and then have like a quesadilla. No, you can't. Scratch that itch. Yeah, you can. Absolutely.

You're forgoing melted cheese. A quesadilla is a salad. At all? You can't have any of the ingredients. That's not, fine, then I could have a poke bowl because that's technically... Oh, really? Yes.

All right. Just thought I don't really like fucking... So I could have sashimi and not sushi. No. What do you mean no? Sashimi is sushi. Poke is poke. You'll never see poke at Koi.

I really do think you'll never see a poke bowl at Koi. And vice versa. You'll never see a poke bowl at Koi. And vice versa. Hmm? You'll never see a Koi bowl at Poke. That's, yeah, also correct. Opinion on the new Star Wars trailer writes Noah Levy. Have you guys seen it? No.

No. Me neither. All right, next question. Somebody asked me what kind of wallet I have, and I was just trying to look because I think this person asked me twice. At least somebody else did on Twitter. I have a Bellroy. Beautiful hunt tray.

And that's going to give him hell, boy. I think... It looks like it is... Is this a... Il Busetto? Yeah, Il Busetto. It says Ikea on your wallet. What are you talking about, Busetto?

Fuck off, dude. Yours says Container Store. That's enough. Yours says Toys R Us on your wallet. What are you talking about? Fuck off, dude. Yours says container store. That's enough. Yours says Toys R Us on the outside. It's actually really enough out of you. So the first time it wasn't really enough? Yeah, the first time I said that's enough. But that was time for you to cool it.

Sort of turn the car off. You know? Wind it down. But now, you gotta knock it off. It's not just about cooling it anymore i'm gonna say one more cool no because you i gotta knock it off i see that says jc penny that's it uh jeff you got one uh yeah what's what aspect of running a podcast network is the most unfun and why oh it's It's probably like a business. Choosing the health insurance.

Yeah, probably taxes. Oh, yeah, taxes. That's the worst one. Taxes. Oh, working with Whitney. Oh, that's pretty bad. I didn't think about that. But I think taxes might even be worse than that.

Well, she's our accountant. What? She's the accountant. So it's all sort of sweat. It's like a sushi sashimi thing. Right, right, right, right. All right. What's the accountant so it's all sort of sweat it's like a sushi sashimi thing right right uh all right what's what's what's the most fun part oh most fun maybe shooting the videos really yeah maybe day to day i would yeah but that's all i do here so so you got the most fun job congrats dude well shooting them is the most fun the least fun is editing yeah but it's also like

especially the one that's coming out, I guess it will be out when this is out, the wake video. The wake video. It's just fun to see. That was really fun to shoot. We were just singing for an afternoon. Yeah. Which you'd been pressing me also to do.

Like, we've got to do an original song. I want to do an original song. I want to do a parody song. Yeah. Here's one that actually reminds me of a question that I can ask you guys. this one just says would you ever consider being the lead in a movie so i'm going to make that more specific jordan quincy what if jj abrams who made the new star wars movie is like i want you to play the male lead of the new star wars movie knowing full well you probably wouldn't be that good, would you still do it?

I'd love to see either of you guys as the male lead. Either of you holding a lightsaber is the funniest thing to me. Yeah. Would you be too scared to ruin the movie? No, I'd do it in a heartbeat. You'd say yeah. Yeah. Not even, you don't care.

You don't care. Well, I would kill it. What if he offered you the female lead? And I had to be in drag the whole time? No, you just have to wear a wig. Well, and a dress or something? Yeah, a dress. What do you think drag is?

Makeup. Fair. Well, you have to be in makeup if you're a guy in the movie, too. That's true. I guess I would have more concerns because that's sort of a problem in Hollywood that roles for people go to people that are unqualified. Yeah. But if there's like a white boy lead and they give it to me and I would take it. But if it's like, Jake, you have to play a woman, I'd be like, why don't you cast a woman? And then they'd be like, we want you instead. I guess I'd be like why don't you cast a woman and then he'd be like we want you instead

I guess I'd be like talk to my reps oh my god you want to take you you're what's wrong with Hollywood I wouldn't do it I would take a character role you wouldn't take the lead I would take the funny man that has like four scenes that's not being offered to you then I'm out JJ

you're out as the lead I'm out you're saying no thanks to the john boriega character in the last star wars movie no way i do justice no way i want that cash i want to earn my money let's play around on set all day and then somehow get paid yeah i'd be too afraid that like that would be it i would be like the guy from the room where it's like, who is this asshole? Why is he in this movie? He's ruining Star Wars. Well, just look at what they would... Hayden Christensen,

people hated in like the original... Or in the sequels. Yeah. The prequels. And he was probably better than I can do. But it helps. Well, I guess... And now he'll never work in this town again.

He doesn't have to. He's in fucking Star Wars. I would definitely do it. All right. You guys got a few last questions? We're almost out of time. Yeah. Ooh, Claire Thomas says, I'm planning a solo vacation.

Where should I go? How about Loserville? Because that's the only fucking place that would take you. If you don't have a friend to... Sorry. I'd hate to cut you off before you guys leave. Yeah, it's just that you checked in. You went to a spa the other week in Santa Fe.

Of course. You went to Truth or Consequences New Mexico. Oh, I don't have a... You did a sweat lodge. Yeah, for a week. That's a long time. Not like a vacation. That is, yeah, okay.

Where would you go on a solo journey? Do you want to go to the middle of nowhere because you're by yourself or do you want to surround yourself by a lot of people because you're by yourself? That's a good question. Would you rather go to Yosemite or Tokyo? Between those two,

I'd rather go to Yosemite. But if it was like Yosemite or like... Nashville? Yeah. I mean, I don't think she's in Nashville. It depends if it's international or not. I think if it's international, I would go to a European city.

Probably it's one that speaks English though. Yeah. Like I would go to a European city. Probably it's one that speaks English, though. Yeah. Like, I would go to Copenhagen or something. Oh, you'd go to Denmark. Yeah. Scandinavia or something. Yeah, Scandinavia would be really cool. And then in America, in America.

If you want to, like, go in America, you might as well go to Canada. Montreal. I'm sorry Montreal's cool I went to Chicago by myself once that was pretty fun why? I was driving across

the country by myself and you stopped which is another thing I'd recommend that's a good move for a solo trip I think really?

drive across the country by yourself I feel like that would get really sad I mean it had it's highs and lows but but its highs were really high. Like I hiked Arches National Park by myself at sunset. It was like a religious experience.

It was great. But then also I drove through Nebraska for nine straight hours, and it was kind of sad. But then you got to have the peaks and the valleys. Do you have a last question? Any good ones? I got one that we might, that might be a good last one.

Go for it. Let me find who wrote it. Okay, here we go. Freddie Hodkin writes our final question. What is the best snack? Nuts. It's gotta be nuts. N nuts is the worst snack what are you talking about they're dry natural little nuggets i don't want to uh you said natural you said natural like being natural the worst part about nuts is that they're natural yeah the best snack is made in a factory whose job it is to create the best taste. Cheetos.

That's what you say, huh? Goldfish. You fucking loser. By the way, you're like... A raw cashew. Your favorite snack is wheat thimbs. By the way, if somebody gave the factory that made the best fucking taste in all the world made a cracker that basically tastes like

a nut, it's essentially less healthy. If somebody gave your best snack in the world for Halloween, they'd be a social pariah. They'd be, do not go to that house. That house gives nuts. We have different qualifications for this question, clearly, because I was taking health into account. I wasn't just taking into account taste.

It doesn't say what's the healthiest snack. Well, best to me is one that's not going to kill my ass. It's not going to kill you to have a few chips. Good. Anyway, thoughts? Jeff? I was going to say hummus and pita chips. Jeff's right.

That's an answer I can set my watch to. Hummus and pita chips is good. Yeah. Yeah. Or even just pita. That's nice. But ideally chip, pita chips. Yeah.

Stacy's maybe. Yes, yes. which is also the best hangover cure i like i actually like uh not hangover pita bread and night of hangover yeah if we're going specific i really like the air ritz the air ritz crackers there's like a baked ritz crackers they taste. They taste like Ritz, but they're baked, so they're crispy and salty. Interesting. If we're going just general, like whatever, I'll say like barbecue potato chips, because I think those are really good. I like more of like a meat and cheese plate or something. Yeah.

Oh, like a churrito with some cheese and crackers. A prosciutto. Wrapped in melon. No melon for me. I'd be eating ham. No melon. Wrapped in papaya I would like

a big old plate filled with like it's got turkey it's got prosciutto it's got ham it's got salami it's got pepperoni and it's got a couple

different artisanal cheeses of course you have a meat you don't have to you don't have to specify the cheese no no no what's it served on

is it a serving board or it's a serving platter you already said it's half let me served on? Is it a serving board? It's a serving platter. You already said that. Let me finish. Fucker. It's a serving board is what I was going to say. What meats would be on it, though?

It doesn't matter. He asked me about the meats. Which meats is all? Turkey, ham, salami. Got it. Turkey. You already said that. Pastrami.

Just in terms of the cheeses. There's no pastrami. They're artisanal cheese. What does it matter? And it's goat cheese. It's brie. It's an aged cheddar. It's an Asiago.

Okay. A Gruyere. Awesome. And it's served on. He already said it's a board. I didn't describe what kind of board it was. Because it's sort of like a live edge wood. Yeah.

A wood cutting board with a stone. What's the best snack? What is the snack? Oh, it's meat and cheese. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Do you know what kind of meat?

Which kinds of meats are on there? Someone's looking at their phone right now and sees this podcast is nine hours long. Like, wait a second. They're in the middle of Nebraska. They don't give a shit. I would agree with that. Either hummus and pita chips or cheese and pleat meat. Pleat meat?

Hmm? Hmm? Pleat meat. Yeah. All right. We're done. Thanks. Thanks for asking the questions, everybody on Twitter.

Thanks to Jeff for joining us in the studio. Thanks for having me. We might have set a record at this one. The opening theme song was written by Don Keanian. Closing one was written by Kenya Kenye. This guy gave instructions on how to pronounce his name and I couldn't even follow them. It was like...

He spelled it in K-E-N-Y slash K-E-N-Y-A. That was what he said. Kenya. Pronounced Kenya because English speakers often pronounce the N-Y like N-Yah like N-Yeah.

So I don't know what you want me to say, man. His Twitter is Kendrick Jean. So that's what I'll say. Hashtag boycott bread lounge. One more plug. Ran Zyman. His name is Ran, right? Name is Ran Zyman.

Get his ass. What does that mean? It means follow me on Twitter. Don't play no James. Hashtag boycott Bread Lounge. Please. Those are your last plugs? Yeah.

All right. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Peace. Yeah. This one goes out to my nigga Jake. If I Were You is a podcast show you should be listening to when there's nowhere to go.

Let these two Jews give you clues how to choose on whether or not you should cut back on the booze. But let's just say that your girl just left you, but you're broke down so damn far from the best you. And the need to laugh is so far away. Play the cast off your ass, I will fall away. There's Jake, he's a real sleek dude. Playing type slant, safe, he can be crude. And there's no keeping track, can't keep out on all of the news that he's viewed. And there's no keep it track, take it out on all of the news that he's viewed. And there's Amir.

He has darker hair, I guess. Jake and Amir have a podcast show. It's called If I Were You, thought I'd let you know. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

Jake. Jake. Jake. If I were you. I worry. That was a HeadGum Podcast.