Segments - 299: Two Cats (w/Brian Murphy!)

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Comedian and Friend Brian Murphy joins us to discuss dungeons, dragons, and flash mob break ups.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The shows if I were you. What is that song? Billy Joel, everyone. Is that Billy Joel? It does sound like Billy Joel. It's the British Office theme song. Oh. Billy Joel sang on that.

Oh, that's what it was. Over the British Office song and then sent it in. He was such a fan. That was Billy Joel. Yeah. Oh, yeah was such a fan. That was Billy Joel. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The person that wrote that was Billy Joel

submitting a parody of... You guys know Billy Joel? Billy Joel didn't do the music. Did you guys know Billy Joel tried to kill himself? Really? Yeah. How many times?

Wow, dark. A long time ago. Needlessly dark. A long time ago. It's just an interesting fact. Is that what the piano man's about? Devastating fact. We could have not ever known

his amazing full catalog. Maybe he succeeded. Isn't Sing Us a Song You're the Piano Man is about? Devastating fact. We could have not ever known his amazing full catalog. Maybe he succeeded. Isn't Sing Us a Song You're the Piano Man about drinking himself to death or something? It's about other people drinking themselves to death in an old piano bar that he used to work at. Got it. Anyway, that was Jacob Legrand, who's written a bunch of theme songs for us. He just sounds like Billy Joel. And that one was to the UK office theme song.

Murph, he's back. Oh, yeah, boys. Episode 300. Well, actually, we got you in right under that because we really wanted to get to you before 300. 299. 299. Which is not bad.

299. It's still a marquee episode number. Because I was on episode 100 and episode 200. So it seems weird that you guys would break the pattern on the third one. Well, we wanted to. We try to get you in every century, and we do. So we got you on episode 99, 199, and now 299. You seem pissed.

I'm devastated, honestly, between that and the Billy Joel fact. I don't know how you rebound from that. I don't know if I'll recover. Is it okay if I'm devastated, honestly, between that and the Billy Joel fact. I don't know how you rebound from that. I don't know if I'll recover. Is it okay if I'm just quiet for an hour? Just silent. You never talk again for the rest of the show. That would be a good bit. A bad podcast, but a good bit.

Such a funny bit. That's if we could only get you for two minutes, we would do that bit. Yeah. There'd be on the Jake and Amir subreddit, in a few years, they'd be like, the one where Murph didn't talk is an underrated classic. I kind of think it's funny on a re-listen. Yeah. You can hear him breathing. You were saying that you might not have seen us since episode 199, which is like almost two years ago. Yeah, it's insane. A little sad behind the scenes fact. The old college humor crew doesn't

hang out as much as we used to. Oh, that's how we know you. Are you guys all friends in real life um i mean i still like him i feel like i i do feel like college humor is like is a family and then it's just like you might not see your brother for a while or like your cousin or something yeah but you still like them. But you still deeply love them. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, Amir, I see him every day and he hates my fucking guts. But I do feel the same way. It is, it's weird. I think because we just have like such a rich shared history. Yeah, because I mean, there was, there were so many years of just, we were all working together and then we're all hanging out after work. We'd all go to all the same parties. We'd all, like, you know, hang out every weekend.

A lot of us lived together. Yeah. Yeah, literally there was a few years where I was living in what was dubbed the college humor dorm. Where was that? With, like, Alex Watt, Alex Schmidt, Hallie Cantor. Oh, yeah. Emily was there. In Los Feliz, right?

No, that was in New York still. It was in Park Slope. It was in Park Slope. I went to that housewarming party. It was a good time. Holy cow. And now you only see Emily all the time. Now I only see Emily all the time.

Because you wifed her. I wifed her and we worked together. So you have a wife and a partner and a writing partner and a co-writer and a co-worker. Life slash comedy partner. It's beautiful. All in one magical moment. You guys have a dog? We have two cats. I and a co-worker. Life slash comedy partner. It's beautiful. All in one magical moment. You guys have a dog? We have two cats.

I'm a cat guy now. Hold that thought, because our first question is just about that. That was such an aggressive way to say I'm a cat guy now. I'm a cat guy now. Come at me.

Obviously, Murphy, been here before, you know this is an advice show. If I Were You, the only advice show on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes just me and Jake. Sometimes we have our friends.

Every 100 episodes, boom, like clockwork, Murph rolls in. Boom, boom, boom. 100, 200, 300. Minus one, minus one, minus one, baby. This guy wrote a question in, and it's about cats, and I thought it would be perfect for you

because, like you said, you're a cat person now. Okay. Were you trolling my Instagram a little bit? a little bit first time lurker I don't like to see you in person but I'm trying to keep up with what you're doing tabs at the very least

so do you got a fake guy's name for this cat guy? yeah, Bruce is that the name of your cat? good man I'm moving to New York City for work, writes Bruce. I'm single and in my early 20s. I was thinking of getting a cat and started looking up cat information. Since I'll be at work most of the days and frequently out with friends in the evenings,

I want a cat that's pretty low maintenance. Looking online, I read that if you're not at home a lot, it's a good idea to have a second cat so that they can keep each other entertained. Yes. So now I'm looking at getting two cats. Does that make me a crazy cat person? Will girls want to date me if they know I own two cats? Are two cats cock blockers?

Help. Thanks for the advice. Love, Bruce. And what's your other cat's name? Bowie. Bruce Bowie. Very nice. So you're pro two cats, right?

Super pro two cats. They are, two cats is no more work than one cat. Zero. Zero more work. I don't think so. I mean, you got to clean their litter box like once a day. And other than that, they kind of take care of themselves. You feed them.

Right. Super love maintenance. And you don't have to feel bad if you have two cats if you're like, you know, situation where you're at work and then you go out and you do a podcast and then you get home late or whatever. So cats are this crazy animal that like we just get to have and it doesn't even have to go outside. They're your roommate. It just shits in the house. They're your roommate.

You just hang out with them. Why is it that cats don't need any of that and dogs do? Is it like what they were descended from? Yeah, I think they're just. Or if you just left a dog inside for three years, it would also learn to chill. I think dogs would just instantly eat all of their food and barf and then shit in the house and eat their own... They just would go ape shit instantly. So dogs are drunk cats.

Yeah, I think cats have better survival instincts. Like, they know, like, if you're out of the house, they'll eat, yeah, they'll eat when they need to eat, they'll poop when they need to poop in their place. But as far as coming off as a weird cat guy, I will say, he'll probably get points with the people

that he would actually connect with. You know what I mean? Oh, so you alienate 50% of people, but then you endear the other 50%. It's better to just do that. But there are people that weren't cat people to start with and then love the cats. You always hear stories like that.

Yeah. Part of me thinks that as a single dude having two cats, you have more cats than people living in the house. You're married. Here's the thing. If Emily left me, I would keep the cats. If I lost the cats, I would get two more cats. So here's a question for you.

I would start a cat farm if I could. You lose your cat. Wait, did you grow up with cats? No. Okay, so this is a new thing for you. So you love the cats that much that you would... Do you want more? Do you want a third cat?

I would love to have like six cats. Six cats. Why? Six cats. I would like to... What would you do with them? I would love to have like six cats. Six cats. Why? Six cats. I would like to buy like a trailer park and live in one of the trailers and then just have eight trailers for cats to hang out in. Okay. And they're like my neighbors.

You'll go in and pet them? Yeah. You just pet them. You hang out with them. They want to play. Let me ask you this. Yeah. You lose your two cats.

Are you devastated like you lose a dog? Yes. Super devastated. Super devastated. Yeah. You lose your two cats are you devastated like you lose a dog yes super devastated super devastated yeah you lose one cat you're devastated like you lost the dog absolutely same level so more interesting because in my mind people lose cats like oh it's gonna happen it's an alley cat let's get another cat but the dogs is like i lost my best friend sure i took care of that little fucker yeah i walked him i picked up his shit. I would feel more. I also have, and here's also a benefit to getting two cats, is I feel like they become more social because they're with each other. So they also see, like, our cats are brother and sister. So they'll see, like, when we first adopted them, they probably were like, okay, well, my brother trusts them, so I'll trust them.

And also, they, like, learn to, when they're playing with each other, they learn to not use their claws or bite super hard because they, like, yelp at each other and shit. Huh. So it's good to have two cats. Do you jump around and wrestle with them? No. When you say play, how do you play?

They just, like, run around. You get a string type situation. You would rather do that than watch TV? That's the thing. The cats will just play with each other. You don't even need to play with them if you don't want to. They'll just go sit on your lap.

Can you teach one cat to feed the other one? It'd be hard for them to open the can. You went to Chicago for three months. Did you just leave it with a cat feeder? No, they fucking came with us. How the can. You went to Chicago for three months. Did you just leave it with a cat feeder? No, they fucking came with us. How do you bring a cat to Chicago? Put them in... We bought expensive cat backpacks.

Uh-huh. Cat packs? Yep. Backpacks? Packed them in some cat packs. Do they just pop their little heads out the back? There is a... There's like a little vent thing that can be like an astronaut helmet.

That's like a... A bulb? A bulb, sort of, that they can stick their faces out and look. We got those. Brought them on the plane. They came and lived with us in Chicago while we were shooting Hot Date for like three months. No big deal? No big deal. You guys lived in an Airbnb that allowed cats?

Yeah. Nice. Yeah. It was dope. I didn't care about shooting a TV show. Cats are great. So you're all in on cats. You're saying two cats isn't weird. I'm all in on shooting a TV show. Cats are great. I had the cats. So you're all in on cats. You're saying two cats is weird. I'm all in on two cats for sure. Did you say Tupac Shakur?

That was Tupac's original name was two cats for sure. But so many people misheard it that he just had to go with it. That's what stuck. Yeah. Somebody misheard it once. They just wrote it down at the dmv incorrectly you guys would think this guy was a crazy cat man right i don't know if you had two cats i think two is not crazy i think one is charming and two is weird two is two seems like a bit much so i will say he might meet some resistance but i do think that people would think it was charming even though you'll still you'll still charm some people but i feel like one cat's going

to charm more people and i think that the cat is going to be fine being on its own you could like you you know adopt a cat that prefers to be right but if you think about like a faceless cat man it's easy to judge that cat man. But if you just had a friend named Darren who really loved cats, doesn't Darren seem like a nice guy? Yeah, and I'd be like, Darren, if you want to get laid, you should really just have one cat. Darren,

you're my good friend. So we're one against one. Amir's kind of in the middle here. Yeah, I could see two cats. I think three is a little excessive. Two is that one cat is you're being kind of mean to a cat. It's like a cat by itself in your apartment. Right, because they just stay inside all day. Well, some cats want to be alone. There are cats

that can't be adopted. They have to be the only cat. Oh, but yes, I will say if you're going to adopt cats, adopt littermates because sometimes they're like bonded to each other. So it's sad to break them up anyway. And they already like each other. I mean, we had, when I was growing up, I had six, seven, eight, at one point, I think we had nine cats.

Too many cats. A ton of cats. Six kids and nine cats. Yeah. And we had- Just lice everywhere. And two dogs, a rabbit. We had like a ton of pets because my parents couldn't say, or my mom couldn't say no because

I'm so sweet. I'm a special little boy and I want another cat. And I want mice and I want a snake and I don't want them to eat each other mother So keep them separate I want a bunny mother Mommy Adopt me a monkey So we had but we had so many cats

And there were cats that didn't like each other So like Penny and Maddie Couldn't even be in the same room So you have to be careful He can't just go and adopt two separate cats and be like, all right, you guys both live in my house now, because they'll fight and claw and fuck with each other. And what, your cats don't do that?

No. They, like, play. They'll roll around. Are they best friends, or are they, like, chill, independent cats? They're best buds, but, you know, they need their space every once in a while. Have you ever grounded one? Has one ever been a mean little kitty? They're best buds, but they need their space every once in a while. Have you ever grounded one? Has one ever been a mean little kitty? They're pretty good.

Has Bruce ever been a nasty boy? I'm really proud of my cats for being such good boys and such good girls. You think you've done something. You think the way you have them is good to them. I think it's part that I'm just a great cat dad and part that they're just good cats. How often do you feed the cat? Twice a day. Morning and a night.

Morning and a night. They poop in the litter? Well, Emily feeds them, and I'm the shit collector. That's the kitty litter, right? That's the kitty litter, yeah. And then they shit in the rocks, you pick up the rocks, and you throw away the rocks. Yeah, you got like a little shovel scooper that you throw out. Here's how smart cats are.

One time, Emily was cleaning out the litter while I wasn't there, and the cat was like freaking out because he needed to piss while she was cleaning. He jumped in the tub and pissed down the drain. Wow. All my cats used to piss in the tub, too. How do they know? How do they know? How?

How do they know to do the litter? Do you teach them? There was a time where my cat was only shitting in the tub, and it was pretty upsetting. Well, the shit, that's not good. Actively bad. You have that photo of your cat in a little, he had a shower cap and a little sponge on a stick,

and he was in the bathtub with his arms behind his back and was acting like a little diva. And she's like, can you please knock before entering? That's right. And there was a turd by her feet. Yeah, she was taking a shit in the tub. Just smeared under her ass. She's rolling in it.

All right. So I'll say the over-under is two and a half cats. You want to stay under. Get two cats for you, man. You don't need to get laid if you have and they will be just for you you got friends now man how long do cats live for is it like dogs they live longer than dogs you know i just looked up the other day uh the oldest cat that ever lived would you guys care to venture a guess we all read your story 34 years. I'll go under 34. 28.

The answer is 32. Ooh, right in between the two. Yeah, I don't know who wins at that point. Murph goes over, so technically you win, right? I win by Price is Right rules. And I also looked up the oldest dog, and the oldest cat did outlive the oldest dog. How old was the oldest dog? I think 27 or 28. That's crazy.

That's crazy. A 27-year-old dog? Yeah. That dog went to college, then went to med school, and did a couple years in its residency. That dog was begging for death, I bet, by age 22. Yeah, the last six years were just fucking hell on earth. Cats can live cartoonishly long, just regular cats. So they can live to be like 18 or 19.

And that's kind of normal. Yeah. So to hear that one's 30, it's just like, okay, that's the outlier. When a dog is living to be 27, you think of an average dog. The average dog is like 12 or 13. Yeah. Double. Which is, it is just, it's just torture.

You can't be enjoying yourself. Yeah. You might even be 29 now that I think about it. That's like a 240-year-old human. A cat I trust a little bit more to run off into the woods and die when they're supposed to. But a doggy knows just staying alive for their owner. You know what I mean? It's basically not beneficial to the owner anymore.

It's pure surgery that's keeping it alive. All right. Next question that's not cat-related. If you're okay with that. Fuck it's episode 300 any questions welcome i got it this is a good a shorty but a good one you got a guy's name oh okay um book and that's good all right book and writes my girlfriend is cheating on me and I have no idea what to do. I have been racking my brain for weeks, and then I thought Jake and Amir will know what to do. So here I am.

Oh, no. That was vague. What would you do? I thought this was kind of interesting because it's like you find out your lady is cheating on you. What do you do do you say all right sit down and have a serious conversation do you kind of troll them a little bit do you say hey is there anything you want to tell me do you cheat on them and then have them catch you and then you're like what are you mad about what's what's wrong have you ever done this before do you play some sort of weird twisted game where you it's like i guess that's what this guy

is asking is like what how can i get revenge i'm getting yeah revenge or end it right i think the most boring thing to do is to be like hey i know you're cheating on me i think we should break up well that's but that's a that's really definitely what you should do. I was just like, I get, I would be emotionally devastated and have a very real conversation and end the relationship. End it. Not funny or fun. Yeah. But what,

what would be a fun way to break the news that you found out? And how can we involve cats? Yeah. So like, so you fill in her apartment with cats. Let's make this podcast unlistenable to anyone who's not weird. So you're a cat lady now. Yeah.

So you read I Know What You Did Last Summer on your cat's fur. And then you trot Bruce out there. And he's got a little message on his back, and it's cute. Then Bowie hops in. He doesn't know what he's doing. I think you have to confront the person. It's got to be sort of a harmless goof if you're gonna goof what's a harmless goof i don't know what's it i guess you could like do something where you

you know you want to like if you want to get dramatic you can catch them in the act and that'd be kind of fun that would be so devastating to see yeah but i mean not like catch them fucking but like catch them out to dinner or something. Yeah, I would like to do that. I would be like, so what's going on? Because you don't want to, like having a serious conversation and ending it is almost letting them off the hook. Like putting them in a weird situation would be good karmic payback. I like imagining that he goes in, upsets them at a bar, like he's keeping track of their dates.

He's like, what's going on here? Yeah. Oh, I'm cheating on you with this guy because he's hot and you're ugly. He's like, all right, cool. Caught you red-handed. Yeah, you got to just hope that. Well, I got you a cat.

You got to hope you catch him flat-footed. Otherwise, you might just get owned. Right, what if they're ready? Like, oh yeah, don't you understand why I would cheat on this guy with you? I mean, you're a psychopath that just showed up at this bar. If this guy is 30, he could definitely catch his girlfriend flat-footed at a bar and just be like,

what's going on here? And get to have this kind of moment where he's on his high horse. If he's 16, the girls are just going to be like, no, I just fucked your friend. He's cool. Yeah, it really depends on the age. All right, all right. Easy does it. Yeah, so let's give some age ranges here.

I'd say 16 to 25. You got to just end it. Over text. Over text. You are a 75-year-old guy that's been married for 50 years. You got to just stick it out at that point. Wasn't there like a famous like either a college humor picture or video, but like I caught my girlfriend cheating on me.

And then he like did something to publicly shame her. It was the thing at UNC. It was like, I found out my girlfriend's cheating on me. I'm going to break up with her in public at the quad or whatever it is. Like it's not the quad, but there's like something in the center of the UNC campus.

Yeah. Some public shaming. It was this huge event where he was going to confront his girlfriend. And like thousands of people had RSVP'd and she didn't know. She didn't show or she didn't know? No, she did. I think it turned out that it was fake. Oh, really?

I think so. I don't really remember. See, something like that I feel is too far. Then you're the bad guy. Are you, though? Yes, you are. I don't think it's worse than cheating, so I think you're kind of a... To publicly shame somebody for doing something that everyone fucking does? No, because you could say,

you can't be mad at me, I'm the victim of a cheating, so you can get away with this public shame. Once you've orchestrated a monstrous worst moment of someone's life, you're a bad guy. What, they're going to pity her now? The cheater?

I say you put people in a moral dilemma. This is what happens during superhero movies when the bad guy, like, Spider-Man gets bit by a radioactive spider and he uses his power for good. But then, like, the Green Goblin gets... You don't want to Green Goblin it, man. I want to power now and then you have the power to be the bigger person and then yeah like the green goblin uh what is he what happens to the fucking green goblin i don't know

he's a bad guy he's flying around he's doing bad shit right it's like you have the power no they like he's not using the power you have the upper hand you have a trump card and you're just gonna give it away this man's super villain story. Yeah, the cheatster. I've never cheated on anyone. I do not advocate cheating, but I wouldn't advocate a public shaming.

Yeah. This guy wants to have your little victory. You want to have your high horse here. Don't blow it up. Don't blow it up by being a dick. Don't make it about you, man. But to me, the public shaming your little victory. You want to have your high horse here. Don't blow it up. Don't blow it up by being a dick. Don't make it about you, man. But to me, the public shaming is your victory. It's a parade of sorts.

Let's find a happy medium. What's good about a parade of being like, I was wronged! I was hurt by somebody! Cheer for me! So a happy medium is just to show up at the bar have get your dramatic scene okay find out where the date is show up act like you had no idea you're just going to get

a cherry coke by yourself yeah see the love of your life's out with this other person how could you do this to me get your dramatic monologue out there rehearse it get everything you want to say in there make sure it's not too inflammatory you know what i mean you don't want to say anything problematic okay what about using it as a get out a cheat free card then you you can cheat if there was someone in your life that you wanted to cheat with you can do it but they're just gonna break up right also break up he should break up yeah because after because that's i mean break up yeah cause after cause if that's I mean break up for sure

cause then if you could cheat on somebody you'll just get to hook up with you'll be single and you can hook up with whoever you want so that's fine that's less exciting too that's not less exciting I really want a publicly shamed

what about a private shame you invite 12 friends over that's like sort of like an intervention cheating cheating intervention so we're here to talk to you about how you cheated on me.

And we don't want you to do that anymore. It would be pretty funny to hold a surprise party. For a surprise party? I'm breaking up with you, surprise party? Yeah. I think if it wasn't on social media, just a tasteful breaking up surprise party. You don't want somebody to get cyber bullied. Yeah, there's a pinata.

Again, I'm also, it depends on how old this person is because I'm assuming that they're probably younger than us. They're probably in like their early 20s or something. And so I'm always hesitant to just be like, destroy this person's life for cheating on you. Meanwhile, they're like college kids and everybody's

hooking up with everybody. Cheating is just a little too common to make a ton of hay out of it, I think. I mean, I don't think you should stay in a relationship when you're cheating. It's a very devastating, hurtful, personal thing that happens.

But if you turn it into a fucking parade and a party every time, you might have to have more than one cheating party. It's not going to be... We don't need ticker tape, but I would like some sort of marching band at the very least, a song, a dance.

Or what's it called? A flash mob? Yeah. I just don't think you want to set the precedent because then every time you get cheated on, you have to up the ante. People might start dating you to see the flash mob to see what you're going to do next.

This is the romantic comedy I'm writing. This one's going to be a see the flash to see what you're gonna do next this is the romantic this one's gonna be a foreign trip for the cheating amir this will be like prank war yeah but like when are you gonna get broken up with again man i don't want somebody gonna cheat on you how do you one-up them how do you do it again man uh all right those are your options i don't know what to tell you just tasteful surprise dinner party. Yeah. Breakup. Very nice. No phones. Yeah. Six close friends. Can we just live in the moment?

And your significant other. Yeah. They're bringing the guy home. They think you're out of town. Red wine. You've got a nice dinner out with some friends. Would you want to trap? Would you want to catch?

Or would you want to just have a private moment? I'd much rather just have a private moment. Right. Because it is ultimately shameful of you. Oh, you know what I think would be cool if you want to be dramatic? Because the relationship should end. Uh-huh. Pack up and leave.

Oh, I like that. That's assuming they live together. Yeah. But even if you don't live together, all your stuff would be gone from their house if you have a key or something. You don't respond, maybe. I just, yeah. Like, I think that the person who is hurting you in that way does kind of deserve like that, like, you know, sinking feeling in the pit of their stomach. You want to give them that?

Yeah. And there's nothing that'll do that, like, just. A flash mob. Like, not a flash mob, but you show up and all your, all somebody's shit's like, something is like, oh no, something is wrong. Yeah. And then they can't contact you. Because if you're dramatic, then it seems like you care too much.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I remember someone broke up with me in middle school, and my response to it was just like, cool, yeah. And I felt so – it was such like a power shift. Oh, you acted like you didn't care. Yeah. I was just like, yeah, no, yeah. I was devastated.

No, yeah. Gutt devastated. No, yeah. Gutted. All right. Gutted, right? But yeah, I feel like that's a cool thing to do, especially if they've been dating for a while. And if he's just like, yeah, you know, you're cheating on me. That's okay. I was kind of, I was half in, half out anyway.

I'm thinking about getting out of here. The cheating thing sort of seals the deal. After having moved out. That's your petty moment. Right, right. Oh yeah, they get back like, hey, come on, look, we need to talk about this. No, no, we're good. You're totally right. I am going to move out. The more dramatic

you are, the more you care. You meet people who really hate their exes so much and you're like, oh, you love them. You love them. Yeah. You love them. Because hate and love is the same. It's just maximum emotion.

Yeah. You're thinking about them so much. It's like that Don Draper. It's like, you know what? I don't think about you at all. Yes. Yeah, that's dope. Yeah, Don Draper. Draper them.

Draper. All right, let's take a break. Thank some sponsors. And then we'll be back with Murph after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Non-withdrawable. Pick 6 credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. You mentioned it briefly earlier, but Hot Date, the show that you're working on. Yes. The show that's consumed your life. Yes, we're working like crazy on it. It comes out Wednesday, November 8th.

Wow, that's soon. Yes, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central. Wednesday. Wednesday. On Pop. What are you looking for? What are you most excited and nervous about? Is it reviews?

Is it ratings? Is it friends? What your friends and family will think? Yeah, it's this. I mean, all of it. As soon as you guys said that, I feel like my mom. Yeah, you start to pet an imaginary cat. Yeah, as we were talking about cats and just hanging out and everything, I was like,

I'll see you at a pub. And then you're like, reviews, ratings, everything. Honestly, we're still in post, so we still need to like finish delivering the episodes. So the idea that the show is coming out. Yeah, it'll be on the air as you're editing. As I'm still working. So it's crazy. But I don't know.

The episodes look great. Like I'm just pumped for people to get to see it and everything. And then what's the plan? Is it 10 episodes aired 10 weeks in a row? It's a 10 episode season. I think it's probably going to be 10 in a row. I think there was some talk of doing two episodes premiere night, but I haven't heard anything about that since.

It'll probably just be one episode premiere night. I don't know if they're going to take any time for the holidays, but it'll probably just be 10 weeks. Cool. Is this your favorite thing that you've ever done? Yeah. It's certainly, I mean... More than the videos we made together? Oh, dude.

I mean, double date. Make it a web series. Then hot date. That was certainly more fun. That was such a fun night. That was really fun. That was a real fun couple of weeks. That was the prequel to Hot Date. Yeah, I mean, it totally kind of was.

I mean, that's the cool thing about getting to work on Hot Date is that we've done kind of these other like tv projects and worked on like pilots and things like that but this is the first time that we feel like we really got to use like our college humor skills and just pull them into tv like literally it's emily and i playing ourselves like we do in college humor videos that takes us into us playing other characters like we do in college humor videos it's just us finally getting to do like the 22 minute version of yeah that's just really cool i'm excited to see that and it's just like it's half sketch half narrative so it's you're you and emily playing tons of different people yeah so it's it's we end up playing ourselves and then usually like two or three other characters each per episode and there's like you know the a story will follow us and

then it'll be a B or a C story that some other couple, we follow them throughout the night. It's almost like Portlandia, it sounds like. A little bit. It feels way different than Portlandia just because- It feels way funnier because-

Oh my God. It's just, it's, I think our, we're so like loud and raunchy and low class that it's just the polar opposite of Portlandia. Like Portlandia is very funny in a different way and we think we're funny in a different way. And, you know. Yeah. Makes sense.

I think it feels pretty different. So in a perfect world, these come out and then you make 10 more. Could you make 10 more? Or is this like, this is everything we got? It was, I, it's funny. Like while we were writing it and shooting it, I was going crazy and I was like, I don't know how we're going to pull this off. And then as soon as we finished, like any, you guys know, like anything else, you probably like, once you finished Jake in a Mirror, now you have like a billion Jake in a Mirror. But while you were writing it, you were like,

I don't know how we're going to put it together this week. Every, yeah, every, yeah. But now we have, you know, a bunch of of episode ideas like we could definitely come up with more stuff that'd be great yeah would you be down for sure just go straight into it or do you need a break i need a month off for sure you said it was like shooting was three months straight then you've been basically editing for like three months straight yeah and we were writing before that so it's been yeah it's been like seven months of we now that we're wait do you still do host a podcast yeah well we took we took a little uh we took a little hiatus there over

the summer but yes 8-bit book club it's our podcast hell yeah yeah we read uh video game books yeah how do you have time to read anything let alone talking about it it's the last um the like last few episodes of the podcast before we took our hiatus, it ended up being less and less us actually reading books. And more just talking about video games. More just talking about video games and stuff. So we're like, all right, when we come back, we'll have to actually start reading books again. Do you have time to unwind, do anything else, have a hobby? Have you done anything?

I'm super into D&D. Super into it. Really? All I do is work and play Dungeons & Dragons, and that is my retreat. Wait, when did that start? D&D is the card game, right? Or is it a video game? No, it's like a role-playing game. Just talking. D&D. Dungeons & Dragons. Dungeons & Dragons. I don't, I really

don't. You don't know what Dungeons & Dragons is? Wait, it's not a card game? You, like, love Aragorn. You're, like, all into Tolkien shit. Yeah, I do. You would love this. You would lose your shit, dude. I know. That's partly why I don't... You would love it. Can I come and do one? Yes! know. That's partly why I don't. You would love it. Can I come and do one? Yes.

Absolutely. Who do you play with? I play in one group with Brennan Lee Mulligan. He's at College Humor now. Siobhan, Zach Oyama, John Wolfe, Travis Helwig, and Emily. Do people do characters and stuff? Yeah, we do. I'm a dwarf paladin in that campaign,

and then I'm a DM for another campaign that I play with my New Jersey friends. But you do roll dice for certain things, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's rolling dice, and there are cards. Are there not cards involved? I mean, you can have spell cards if you want them, but you don't need them.

They're in the book. Oh, I see. So the reason D&D is cool is because it's so open. The reason D&D is cool. The reason D&D is cool is because it's so open. The reason D&D is cool. The reason D&D is super cool is that you can kind of do anything. So unlike if you were playing like a board game or an RPG or something, it's kind of on the rails a little bit. Yeah. But D&D would be like Amir and Jake.

Like you're a ranger and you're a bard. You guys would pick your own characters, right? I pick ranger. So you make a ranger. I would be the DM. You guys have met in this tavern when suddenly this mysterious man walks in and takes a seat up at the bar. You could talk to that guy if you want to. You could just throw a knife and try to kill him.

You can do whatever you want. And it's my job as DM to kind of improvise and go with you. So it's like a choose-your-own-adventure. Yeah, and have things prepared. Is it prepared or are of improvise and go with you. So it's like a choose your own adventure. Yeah, and have things prepared. Are you prepared? Is it prepared or are you improvising? It's both. So like, normally. So what if I was like, I'm not going to throw a knife at him, but I'm going to go up and

like slap him across the face? And what if I'm like not paying attention? I'm like watching something on my phone and I'm like, I have to go take a shit. That would be rude. Yeah. That would just be, you would just be being a rude person. Of course, yeah. Which would have nothing to do with the game.

It would just be you being rude. Okay. I think I could play i could play yeah but if you slap it would depend on who the so if it was like oh like you know who the guy is i know who the guy is so i know how he would respond so if that is like a demon dude who was coming in and you were supposed to just kind of like approach him carefully or whatever he might like punch you into the wall and do a bunch of damage to you but what does damage mean like do you have the wall and do a bunch of damage to you. But what does damage mean? Like, do you have life points? You have HP.

Yeah. So you can die? You can totally. And you can die. And your character is dead forever. But D&D campaigns can go on for, like, both the campaigns I'm playing in are over a year long. And has anybody died? One character died in the campaign that I'm DMing.

And did they come back as something else? They just started a new character, yeah. But it's like you're emotionally... When you die, are you actually saddened? For sure, you would be saddened, yeah. As sad as when your favorite sports team loses? I would say probably sadder. Sadder than... If your team loses the Super Bowl, would you be more sad?

If your team loses the Super Bowl, I think you would probably be like that. That's how sad you would be if your character died? Well, it kind of depends on if it would be in a cool way or not. Like my dwarf paladin, right? If he was holding off some people, telling the other guys to run Gandalf-style, fighting the Balrog, that would be a cool way to die, and I'd be saddened, but I would be satisfied. If my dude just falls off a cliff and fucking dies, I'll be upset.

But what's to stop your DM from just being like, oh, there was a landslide and your paladin's dead. Well, they could, but it's not, but that's, the game is not like me versus you. Right, it's a storytelling. It's a storytelling thing, so it's cooperative. So when would he ever like fall off a cliff or die accidentally?

So that would be, the job of the DM is sort of to like deal out consequences so that the world is cool. So if I'm like, I'm going to try to climb down this mountain and he'll be like, okay, it's very craggy. Okay, well, I'm going to start going down. Well, tell me how you do this. Do you like put ropes in and you have mining equipment and you go down? No, I'm just going to start kind of running down it.

And then they're just like, okay, roll dice. And you roll and it's like, you've got plus two to dexterity. That means you roll your D20. and let's say I roll a three. That means I got a five, and he had in his head he needed to beat a 15. I fall off the fucking cliff, and I'm dead. And then you're like, wait, never mind. Come on. Let me get my shit back.

And he's like, I'm sorry. He is dead. Yes, pretty much. Well, it depends on. Do you ever negotiate? People definitely try to negotiate with a DM all the time. Like, come on. I try not to.

I'm fucked up. Yeah. It's more of like if you DM, you do it less maybe. Although there's some people who then once you read all the books, you know the stats of all the monsters. Do you DM one of your groups? Yeah. I DM one of them, yeah. Which one?

The one with my friends from New Jersey that I Skype with them. Emily and I play with them. Wait, you do it over Skype. Yeah. So when you were in Chicago. The other one's in person. The other one's in person. Do you guys get drunk?

Yeah, sometimes. What about in Chicago? You couldn't do it. I did not do it while I was in Chicago. It had to take a few months off. It was a bummer. Oh wait, no, I did. I played on Skype.

I did play. I kept playing. Your dwarf was in a coma. Yeah, my dwarf was in a coma. I didn't get to play my dwarf, but the one I DMed, we kept playing. Wow. Yeah. On Skype.

Would you ever do that? I would sit in on one, but I mean, it sounds like it's kind of an intimate, I don't know. No, we should just play. You would love it. All right. You'd fucking love it, man. And that. Cats and D&D, guys.

That's what it's all about. Who owns it? Who made this book? Who's making money off D&D, guys. That's what it's all about. Who owns it? Like, who made this book? Who's making money off D&D? So D&D started with Gary Gygax and some, I forget the other dude's name, but some, like, war gamers back in, like, the 1970s. And then it got super popular. And then there was all that weird pushback of, like, people thought it was cultish and, like, satanic worshiping and stuff. And it kind of died out a little bit, but recently wizards of the coasts, the people who do magic,

the gathering and stuff, they bought it and they did, I don't know if they did fourth edition also, but they did fifth edition and fifth edition has been super popular. Interesting. Also because it's simpler now and because of podcasts and like a lot of people like play it live. Right.

I guess I thought D and D was magic, the gathering. Cause that one's all card. Right. That's a card game. Cool. I guess I thought D&D was Magic the Gathering because that one's all card related, right? That's a card game. Cool. Idiot. Sorry about that.

Dude. I'm really sorry about that. I want to play. Great. I hope everyone enjoyed listening on this comedy podcast as I passionately tried to sell you on D&D. I am curious about it.

The problem is I don't like, I don't even like the movies so I don't think I'd be a good one. But you would, you would just have fun. You could just do whatever you want. Right.

You could just be a goof, man. I guess I could be a jester. Yeah. The risk is that you would want to, like, fuck with stuff. Yeah, I'd want to troll. Can I be a troll? It depends, you know. Or is it all positive and helpful?

It, there are ways, it's actually, it's way funnier when you're like trying to win. Because it's always funnier to like try to climb down a mountain and roll a one and fall off the mountain than it is when somebody's like, I'm doing doing and I'm a naked troll. Like it's not funny. Are people being funny during it? Is it funny? Are you laughing? It's some of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life has been during D&D games. Really? That's another reason that I want to play.

I do know. I understand that it would be amazing. Yeah. It's very funny. Here's one time when I had to calm everyone down. My players started a bar fight against these really strong dudes. They were supposed to... Well, I mean, you're not supposed to do anything.

Whatever. It was sort of like a Han Solo situation where you're supposed to go to the bar and hire this renegade guy. And he was a strong dude. They instead got into a bar fight with him because he was gruff. And he knocked them all out and stole all their stuff. And everyone woke up and everyone was so pissed and emily was like i kill myself my character kills herself and i was like don't do you really you want to kill yourself she's like oh i guess not so you can say i kill myself at any point i guess if you really wanted to like

commit suicide you could commit suicide i kill. My dwarf absolutely hangs himself by his asshole. Your dwarf could hang himself. And the DM would have to allow that. That's certainly a podcast, right? It's just a D&D game. Yeah, that's Adventure Zone. That's the McElroy brothers. And then Critical Role.

They do a really great Twitch stream and stuff. All right, so it's too late for us to monetize it, so I guess Amir is out. I'm a hard, hard pass then. All right, we've got to answer another question. Otherwise, I'm not doing my job as an elf. As an elf troll. This is from a lady. One question from a lady.

You got a fake name for her? Yeah. TV Pipes. I like that. Very, very. Lead in the room. Very to your right. For the past three years, writes TV Pipes, of my life, I've been living an enormous lie.

I'm not proud of it, but it's gotten bad, and I don't know who else to turn to. Three years ago, I moved to a new province wherein I didn't have any friends. Province. I wanted to desperately to have anyone befriend me, so in order to seem cooler, hipper, and more approachable, I told people I wore glasses. Sorry, my mom wouldn't let me buy fake glasses,

so I told people I wore contacts. And for three years, I've been living this huge lie. And it didn't matter, because no one around was around to question me about it. But this year, I have a few close friends, and I just don't know how to say, hey, I don't actually wear contacts. Do I even tell them that I've been lying to them

for years? I'm getting close with them, and just, I've dug myself into a hole, and I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I want to tell them, but how? First off, holy shit, calm down. He, yeah, well. I think I'd be able to forgive somebody eventually.

So you just have to get this out. You gotta get out ahead of it. You know? I will say. I'm pissed. That somebody said they wore contacts. Can you imagine? Yeah.

Can you imagine? Sure. The affront. Like, if you found out I wore contacts? I would be a little confused. You'd have to do the flash mob. The gaming flash mob. I invite a bunch of people on Facebook to wear glasses.

I think there's two ways out. Two easy ways out. Yeah. One, you lie one more time and say you got LASIK. Perfect. You'll never, ever have to worry again. But you gotta give yourself a week off or something. It takes a little while.

This is the other thing that I think you might be able to do, is never, ever mention it. Yeah, no one... And no one will ever care. Don't you wear contacts? You don't think no one will ever say that? Don't you wear contacts? No. You think no one will ever say that? Don't you wear contacts? No. You said you did.

No, I didn't. Is this person just like hanging out at Sterling Optical? That they're like meeting people who are impressed by the fact that they wear contacts? Yeah, what is so cool about not, like, I thought it'd be cool if I had glasses, which is not cool. Then I thought it'd be cool if I wore contacts, which I think is even less cool. You just have eyes. What are you? There's, yeah, there's two explanations here.

Either her friends don't actually care because that would be an insane thing to think someone was cool for. Or two. TV, we're only your friends because you wear contacts. We're the contact sisters. Do you know which one of your friends wear contacts? I think I would know. I guess if pressed on it, I could maybe figure it

out. Like, Jake, you don't wear contacts, right? No. Yeah. You clearly wear glasses and mirror. I feel like I could have answered that if I wasn't in the room with you. What about Ricky Van Veen? Ricky. Oh, man.

Would you go contacts or no? No. No contacts. Yeah, I'll say no contacts. What about Streeter? Streeter wears contacts. Wow. You know what?

I was going to say the opposite. I was going to say Ricky contacts, Streeter no contacts. How about Sarah? Wow. Ooh, Sarah does because she has glasses. Yep. Yeah, Ricky, contacts, you're no contacts. How about Sarah? Wow. Ooh, Sarah does, because she has glasses. Yeah, I think I've seen her wear glasses. Pat, no contacts.

Right? I don't know. I think Pat's perfect vision. No contacts. David Young? Definitely contacts. Contacts. I've seen him wear glasses. Right? I was going to say no. It's all about who you've seen very tired wearing glasses. Straighter you always see wearing glasses.

Oh, that's true. It's like when I'm tired, I wear glasses. Like Dan has glasses in contact. Dan has tired glasses. Jeff, I don't think has ever worn contacts. No. I'll say that for a fact. Have you ever worn contacts?

I wear them. Here's the thing is I have good enough vision that if I'm not wearing contacts, I can still, like, I'm nearsighted, so I can still see everything around me. I still see my computer. The world is not blurry to me. It just looks better, and I can read far away when I have glasses on. So I don't really need contacts because if I'm ever like,

oh, I need to shoot a scene or something where I don't have glasses on, I just take my glasses off. Oh, you're the kind where near stuff is blurry. No, nearsighted means I can see near. Yeah, you're not near. You're the kind where near stuff is blurry. No, I'm nearsighted means I can see near. Yeah, you can see near. I can, yes. But you cannot see far. I can't see near.

Well, you cannot see. I can't see. I can't see. I can't see near, but I can see far away. Yeah, can't see. I can see can't. I can't. You know, Jake needs glasses.

I have glasses. I just don't wear the glasses I have what you have I'm also nearsighted So you're like taking that 12 year old jock mentality Into your adulthood It's not that I like I can't get Are you not invited to D&D Don't join my campaign

I want to wear my glasses all the time But I feel uncomfortable With how clear I can see. It makes me nervous. It did take me – it took me a long – because I got my glasses in sixth grade, but again, it was just like I needed them to read the board. But my normal life, everything felt fine. So I would literally have them out in front of me, put them on when I had to read something on the board and then would take them off and wouldn't wear them in the halls or anything like that.

Do you know what your prescription is? I don't know it off the top of my head. Flight. See, the reason I could use glasses is like sometimes when I walk into a bar or any long room, I have no idea who is there. Like if I'm meeting somebody. You gotta watch out for those long rooms.

Yeah, or like hallways are the worst. Or like a menu, you can't read the menu. Yeah, no chance. But like that's always been fine. And like the reason I don't wear the glasses is because when I'm talking to somebody face to face, I can see things so clearly that it makes me feel like I'm invading their privacy. Oh, interesting. So you're just like a maniac.

Yeah, I'm insane. That's why I don't wear glasses. So you can tell this person LASIK or continue the lie or don't bring it up. No one will ever bring it up. I think no one will bring it up. I think don't. This is, normally I would say just have an honest conversation. But this is one situation that is so minor and who cares. And you will seem insane for saying you lied about this.

Hey, we have to sit down and I have to tell you something. Yes, you got LASIK. And you say that after they ask you if you're wearing contacts and they're not gonna ask you that. So just keep that one in your back pocket. LASIK is the lie. Wait until they confront you.

You'll never need it. Don't bring it up. You'll never need it. That's not you. You do not initiate that. But when they it up. You'll never need it. That's not you. You do not initiate that. But when they say, wait, I thought you were a contact. It's like, oh, no, I got LASIK.

Bullet in the chamber. Boom. Right? Wikipedia LASIK eye surgery, though, just in case there's any follow-up questions. How was it? I was thinking about doing that. Is that safe?

Yes. It's safe. Absolutely. Where did you go? I want to go to the same doctor. Yeah, look up which doctor you went to. Yeah, you need this to be airtight, okay? No, if they start asking questions, be like, oh, I don't know.

I'll find out. I'll find out. Let me. One night on Wikipedia. Keep it in your back pocket. That's what I say. Live forever. That's what I say.

All right. Thanks, Murph. Thanks for coming by. Oh, yeah. We appreciate you coming by every 100 or so episodes. Maybe we'll actually see you in the next two years. 100, perfect 100. Nice even.

Definitely will. Nice even. Have to be back for 400. Let's hang out in less than 100 weeks from now. Yeah, let's do it. That's the goal. The opening theme song was written by Jacob Legrand. This closing one is written by a UK musician who's in some sort of contest,

wherein he can win if you go to facebook.com slash finhendersonmusic, he says. A top 100 of a music competition, and if you vote for him. So go to facebook.com slash finhendersonmusic. If you like this theme song, you can vote for him, and then he can win a lot of money.

And if you win that money make sure to give me half of it Finn very nice and make sure to watch Hot Date which premieres well one second

I'm not done actually make it 60% of the prize pool this is insane for another mention let's talk about facebook.com he's getting more of a plug

than I am let's go 75% Finn Henderson that addresses www my wallet's on the line yes Hot Date win Hot Date Pop TV November 8th 8 o'clock 8 at 8 My wallet's on the line Yes, hot date when? Hot date, Pop TV

November 8th, 8 o'clock 8 at 8 November 8th at 8 I love that Awesome, I look forward to watching that show Thanks for coming by Murph, we'll be back next week With episode 300 Jake and Amir are here

And they have got your back Even though the cheeky coy boys didn't play my last track So if I were you, show where you can get some advice And if you're being kind of a douche, don't expect them to be nice.