Segments - 30: Film Reviewers

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

In this episode we play movie critics, wavelength, and quick characters.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Second. Another podcast. Second.

Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. Back at it again with the white cans. Wow, that's so funny you say that because I just posted a picture of us on our Instagram story

and I want you to read the caption I chose, which is really a good segue into the first segment of us getting on the same wavelength this is what i wrote okay read this back at it again with the white tans so really close really close uh you're usually not this askew in the chair we're back in the same studio again but the new york studio this time right the studio doesn't have a lot of depth. Yeah. So I guess we've rearranged the cameras to accommodate.

You're like facing fully towards me. Yeah. We don't usually do that. Usually you cheat out toward the camera. But this camera, it's driving to my left side. So this is fine. And it's set up for that. I don't need to worry.

I don't need to sort of like cheat out to the audience. I can just be myself. Because there is no audience. Right, exactly. Also, I was thinking, well, that was our original theme song. Yes.

Shout out to Ferris. We're back to the OG. People first didn't like it. Because it was too mean. Then we switched it. Now this one's too nice. Now we're back to the original too mean one.

We got to write one more that's just innocuous. It's in the middle. It's timid. It's tepid. It's tepid yeah it's saying nothing yes because we are nothing it's a beige flag exactly exactly my beige flag uh and then the last thing i was thinking about is when we do do a live show the whole audience can participate in our stiff hands up that's gonna be really nice yeah when are we gonna do a live show uh probably 2025 2026 something like that when that's so far away to say 2026 this is 2024 yeah so election in november

and then we'll do one in like december january i see okay um yeah but i mean we're still early i feel like we could do one pre-election really yeah we could do like october in chicago that'd be really nice that's cool or we could do post-election we move to australia depending on who wins yeah depending on how rigged it was right exactly exactly right uh well since we were on the same wavelength um let's play that wavelength game okay which we used to do before live shows yes to get on the same wavelength we're gonna 2, 1, then any word in the world. Exactly. And then we're going to try to use word association to get closer to that same word until we're saying 3, 2, 1, and the same word.

This is how we get on the same page, on the same level. Although, out of nowhere, we said back at it again with the white, and then that's something that rhymes with van, so it's a good start. Right, exactly. Maybe we shouldn't play this game because we can only get further apart. No, we can get 100% accuracy. Total overlap. Okay. It's a little hard to explain,

but we can just show it to you guys. This is how we used to get sort of on the same page. Three, two, one. Door. Three, two, one. Socks. Window. Three, two, one.

House. Three, two, one, window. Three, two, one, house. Three, two, one, ceiling. Three, two, one, apartment. Three, two, one, studio. You waited for it. I cheated. I didn't know. Because there's a cat and mouse game of do I go to your word, do you go to mine.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I thought you were going to. Uh-huh. Yeah. I thought you were going to come to mine faster. Okay. Okay. So that was hard. Okay.

That was rough. We should say this is segments of a show that changes every 15 minutes. Okay. Okay. Let's, we'll do. First segment is this game. Yeah. But let's really try to nail it.

Okay. Okay. Three, two, one. Potato. Three, two, one. Fries. We keep going back and forth. Three, two, one. Pants. okay three two one potato three two one fries three two one pants yes yes that's how you do it and now we're sort of warmed up we're calibrated yeah so the third one is just we might even nail it in one right there's no world where we don't just fucking get it it's true like and it doesn't have to be something in the room though it can be yeah it It's true. And it doesn't have to be something in the room, though it can be.

Yeah, it could be. All right. But it doesn't have to be either. Why should it be? It could be anything on the fucking planet. Okay. It could even be an adjective. Oh, fuck.

It could be a color. Three, two, one, blue. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, ready? Okay. Three, two, one, snow.

What did you say? It's a tree. It's not that far off. Not too far apart. Three, two, one, snow. What did you say? I said tree. And you said snow. It's not that far off. Not too far apart. Three, two, one, nature. Three, two, one, forest. Ooh, I was going to say forest, too.

Three, two, one, grass. Three, two, one, chipmunk. Yes. And that was pretty good. Yeah. So you're not listening to what I say is what I'm starting to realize. What do you mean? You're just sort of hopping between, and I should say homie hopping between, different words that you say.

You say mountain, and then you say hill. I said snow, and you didn't even fucking calibrate to that at all. Well, you're steamrolling me. You came to me. Also, I came to New York. I came to the studio. And you're not even seeing the forest from the mountain from the snow. From the trees.

Yeah. You said squirrel. You said chipmunk. Yeah. I have to meet you more than halfway. Yeah, but in the second one, I think I came to you because you said hat. And then I said shirt. and then we both said pants. Nicole, you play back every word we've said so far.

Because I said potato, and then you immediately came to me. I said fries. Like the little sub-cuck you are. I said fries. Like that beta motherfucker you are. What did you say after potato? I said potato. I went directly to you. Like a fucking alpha i wrote

to you every day that i am three two one corn three two one woman now we're going back to the other. Three, two, one, movie. Blanket? I said bucket. I got a bucket of popcorn. Bucket and blanket? No, what did you say? I said bucket.

Yeah, you said movie. Three, two, one, bathroom. Three, two, one, soda. You're just describing the movie going experience and backwards three two one purchasing a ticket at home deciding on a film have you seen a movie since jemma was born um not in a theater yeah but i did install a projector at my house okay is badass. This is downstairs or up where the TV already is?

No, because the old den was right next to Gemma's nursery. Yeah, shared a wall. We quickly realized that that just wasn't good. It wasn't bueno. No. Because she would wake up to the noise of the TV. Yeah, we would creep in. And it kind of worked when she was a

baby baby. But then that four months where just noises woke her up and she would just up to the noise of the TV. Yeah, we would creep in. And it kind of worked when she was a baby baby. But then that like four months where just like noises woke her up and she would just cry. Like sleeper. Yeah, not worth it. So TV's still up there, projector at the bottom. Yeah, the TV. And then we installed the projector downstairs. But then also we should have done this when we had just the TV. It might have saved me a bunch of money.

But we got the Apple. Vision Pro, the goggles. Not the goggles not the goggles the headphones oh interesting so like i'm getting incredible sound as you're watching a movie at home with headphones yeah jill and i you can connect up to two pairs to an apple tv did you think of that or did somebody tell you that i've never heard of that watching tv at home with yeah i thought of it and i just i was like i wonder if you can connect multiple pairs to an apple tv and then i googled and it was like yeah you can connect two is that dangerous like you can't hear anything

else that's going on no like we have the baby monitor like cc yeah we can we can see her and also now she's like one so it's like if she wakes up that's fine yeah she can cry somebody doesn't yeah she goes back to sleep but yeah if she's she woke up and cried, we wouldn't be like... I love this movie! It's really loud! Wow! And we did watch... We watched Oppenheimer. Wow, with headphones

and the thing the whole time. And I felt like I had the Oppenheimer experience. Maybe not exactly Christopher Nolan wanted me to, but it was on a 110-inch projector. But he shot it in 4K IMAX. So Nolan wanted me to, but it was on a big screen. It's a 110-inch projector. But he shot it in 4K IMAX. Yeah, but it's pretty big. So he really wanted to experience it.

I didn't see it in IMAX. Yeah, and I did have to stop it a few times to take a shit during the bomb sequence. We do. Well, I mean, that's just, I think parenting, we watch movies like we're watching a season. Like we're binge-watching a TV show. Yeah, 40 minutes at a time. Did you like Oppenheimer? Uh,

no, no. I thought it was. Let's take a break. Okay. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, oh,

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yeah. did you like oppenheimer uh yeah sorry i forgot we owe uh christopher nolan a lot of money so we couldn't say the bad thing about the movie no i thought it was i thought it was bad wait were, were you here when? Oh, God. Now I can't remember what Jill described it as. But I think she just It was like a cool like two hour movie. Yeah. And then Christopher Nolan's like, well, not so fast. This is actually a three hour movie. Yeah. The last hour being a courtroom thing that he didn't follow at all. Right. It was just, I feel like if it was any other director, but Christopher Nolan, they'd be like, let's get it up to the bomb and then we're out. Right. Which I usually don't like, like film executive notes, like let the auteur do whatever he wants. But sometimes they know what they're talking about. Yeah, they would have been right in this specific case.

Like I didn't need to see the Robert Downey Jr. black and white courtroom scene after the bomb went off. That was the most exciting moment. Yeah, and like also when you watch it over six days, you don't really remember who all the people are. Yeah, you're like, wait, what is this about? Like socialism? Is this Russian guy on their side now? Is he an ally, but he's mean? But when they're building the bomb and Matt Damon is there, that was fun.

And then when it goes off, that was cool. Yeah. Now thinking back on it, I think I did enjoy the first half, but I didn't compartmentalize it. I just think that the whole entire experience is tainted by how meandering the whole entire thing is. Yeah. Which is especially drawn out when you watch it over the course of a week. Yeah. But, I mean, it's beautiful.

It was well made. Yeah. I liked Dune 2 a lot more. You also saw that in the headphones. A lot more. At home. At home theater experience. With or without Jill?

With Jill. Oh, interesting. With Jill. Power through or also through the course of several days? Over two days. So a lot. A little more doable. Yeah, a lot more doable.

Also a long movie. And she watched Dune, the first one, loved it. Wow. Which I was surprised by. Yeah. And then before we were watching this one, she's like, I don't really remember what happens in Dune. And then we like watched a five or ten minute recap. Yeah, because I didn't watch Dune 1, but somebody wanted to see Dune 2 for his birthday.

Wow. Yeah, that's got to be weird. So I did the five minute thing. Yeah. I thought the five minute thing was better than the movie, the second thing. Yeah, I could imagine. It sort of crams it all into a story that you can understand. Right, it's like, oh, that's an interesting story.

It's like somebody tells you that at dinner. That sounds cool, but then you don't have to watch it. The three hour version, yeah. She watched the recap and was just like, I never saw this movie. Yeah, I's like somebody tells you that at dinner. That sounds cool, but then you don't have to watch it. The three-hour version, yeah. She watched the recap and was just like, I never saw this movie. Yeah. I was like, yes, you did. You were there and you liked it. You said that you fully understood the Lisa Al-Ghaib storyline.

Yeah. You had notes. He has so many different names. Lisa Al-Ghaib, Quitzak, Hadarach, Maudib. Yeah. It felt like star wars fan fiction that i didn't fully get into slash understand yeah i thought i mean i i didn't think it was perfect yeah i think that like there's something that's a little boring about just like

paul atreides character is is perfect he is the messiah. He says he's not, but it seems like he actually is. The box of pain I thought was kind of cheesy and weird. Put your hand in this box. Right. That's straight from the book. It hurts so bad. Yeah! Use the force.

Yeah. It seems like it actually wouldn't be that hard to keep your hand in a box of pain if the outcome was certain death if you pulled it out. Yeah, then you would just sort of – Like, I'd be afraid. I would be – yeah. And then they say fear is the mind killer. Like, don't be afraid. It was like, well, actually, aren't you afraid of dying?

Yeah. So you should leave your hand in the pain box. How do you sort of compromise these two things? Yeah. But I thought it was just like – it was beautiful to watch. It was very epic and grand. Yeah. And you don't see a lot of movies that look like that. Yeah. But I thought it was just like, it was, it was beautiful to watch. It was very epic and grand. Yeah. But that,

you don't see a lot of movies that like look like that. No. Because none, no, no, no, no, no other movie takes place on this specific planet that Dune takes place.

Arrakis or Dune. Yes. No, I thought it was great. I also, but like I read the first book and watched the first movie and still like, don't fully understand everything. Okay.

I like vaguely know the characters and that's. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. There's all. It's like there's the story, which is like good guys versus bad guys that you can understand on a surface level. And then there's like the details of the story.

Right. And I didn't get the details, but I understood it was good guy versus bad guy. Yeah. You can kind of tell which the bad guys are. They're the ones that are completely pale and hairless and killing people for fun. Yeah. They make them so

insanely evil. There's no nuance. It's like, kill this dad or something. This one's evil, this one's evil, and this one's the most evil. Because he's bald, hairless, and drooling a lot. They get skinnier and more evil as they go down. Or the really fat evil guy. Yeah, fat evil guy.

The bald, fat evil guy. But he's kind of smart and he wants power. The other one is like evil and just wants to cause pain. And the last one is a complete sociopath. But borderline an animal. Yeah. And then doesn't he defeat him in a sword fight or something like that? Yes.

Duke Paul Atreides defeats the now baron Fade Rousa in single combat. I do feel bad for when they have to come down to a single combat. Like there's only so many ways to make that cool. Yeah. I thought that it was really cool though because like the entire thing like, you don't really notice because the scoring is so good. And then the score, when they do that single combat, it just drops off and there's no music and it's just like breathing and slapping. Yeah. And I thought that was kind of cool. I guess at the end of the day, it feels repetitive to me to have like sword fighting. I've seen it before and I know it's going to win. Yeah. You know,

right. You know, who's going to win. You know, what's going to happen. It was, there's only so many ways to strike that. Yeah. Like why, how is You know who's going to win. You know what's going to happen. It was... There's only so many ways to strike that's new. Like, how do you make it new? It's like the same as Princess Bride or something. Right. But it's almost like a comfort because you're like,

okay, and here comes the sword fight. It's like in a Bourne movie. You're like, all right, and here's the car chasing. Right. If you like it, it has to have one.

It has to have. Let's see how they do it. Yeah. I'll also say the... This is now an official movie review segment. The casting? I'm not into casting like that. You know I hate casting.

Or I'm indifferent to it. Everyone... So, Star Wars, which I don't actually like the new movies very much. I think they do a good job of casting people I haven't really seen before.

I see. This thing, it was like entirely stunt cast. It's all of the most famous people. It's like, all right. Austin Butler. Austin, yeah. Austin Butler, Javier Bardem.

Chalamet. Chalamet. And then Zendaya, Florence Pugh. As soon as I see her, I'm like, God. And then Anya Taylor-Joy just making a cameo as his sister. I'm like, why don't they just get one person that is like – Not – You know, fascinating to me, that I don't have to look at the screen and be like –

Where do I know her from? Ah, an A-list celebrity. The worst one – Oh, you're saying you didn't like the casting? No, I did not like the casting. Oh, I thought you were praising it right now. You're like, everyone was so famous and cool. No, I hate that.

Oh, I see. Too many famous people. Yeah, too many famous people. It's like it looked – the entire thing looked like a red carpet at the Met Gala or something. That's awesome. But the worst one was Christopher Walken as the emperor. Yeah. He's like, what are you doing making him the emperor?

It's all just a Christopher Walken impression at this point. It's so insane. He's like, yeah, I thought that was terrible. Interesting. Yeah. Which is probably why the movie did so good because you have the most famous people the hottest people all right there you look at the yeah you look at that movie poster you're like wow this is incredible it's it's so it's so stunted i did think when javier bardem would uh shout lease what is it lisa al gaib lisa al gaib yeah it was always like a funny

moment yeah it was almost like a comedy in that world. No, I think I... It was like very O'Doyle rules. His character had so little to do. Yeah, but shout out. He was basically interesting right up until the point that he believes that Paul is the Messiah. And then he becomes a cartoon of just like, he's the one. He's Lisa and Al-Gaib.

I told you. Fucking this is the guy. Yeah. Let's do the fucking blood test now. Why are we fucking beating around the bush? Kill me. Stab me with your knife. Yeah.

Wasn't there like some sort of blood transfer? The mom? Yeah. In the book, I actually remember that. That was like a lot more interesting because like Stilgar knew or he believed that, you know, Paul was the messiah but also knew that that meant he needed to lead which meant that he knew that paul needed to kill him so there was like this kind of like animosity between them yeah which in the movie was just like i want to die for you you're you're the one was the book also stunt cast would it be like the emperor played by Christopher Walken walks in and says, Oh, I can't believe it. The universe's emperor

parentheses. Think Chris Walken. Yeah. Chris Walken here. Hey, I'm Chris Walken here. Read the following as Christopher Walken. I never thought this would come to pass in this specific way. It really just doesn't

seem like an emperor type. Yeah. Well, it seems like Christopher Walken has his own accent. Every character is Christopher Walken as that character. Yeah, you have to just be like, if you're casting a movie, you have to be like, okay, and the emperor will be Chris Walken. You can't be like, okay, the emperor is like this. Who could play that?

Maybe it's... You have to write it for him. Yeah, and truly the opposite of, God, Kellen Skarsgård? That's who Baron Harkonnen is. Oh, that's right. He's from Good Will Hunting. Yeah. And he disappears into that character.

It's not just because he's wearing an insane fat suit and a ton of makeup. He really becomes that guy. Wasn't there another Skarsgård? Or no, I'm thinking of a different movie that had another. Bill Skarsgårard was in it. Those Sarsgaards are very famous. Yeah. Yeah, they are.

They're all good at acting. They really are. And they're tall and hot too. I think Timmy, Chalamet is also very good at acting, but I didn't think they gave his character anything. He's so one note. He's very skinny for being like the hero of this movie. Yeah, yeah.

It's true. He's like a hipster. Right. Whenever he like did that epic walk up the dune and he's standing in profile in front of his army, like, look how tiny his legs are. Yeah. I went to Jewish camp with this guy

and now he's the star of this movie. Now he's the messiah. I don't buy that. Both in dune and out. Even Luke Skywalker was kind of thicker than that. Yeah, he had thick calves for sure. Yes. And fucking Han Solo was a movie star. Han Solo was

buff. Yeah. He was cut. Yeah. Everyone in this movie was way fish. Except for Bautista. Dave Bautista? Although even Austin Butler is not like a fucking The Rock. He's ripped though. He's absolutely ripped. He was like sword fighting naked. Was he shredded? Yeah. Absolutely shredded. Interesting. Yeah. absolutely ripped. He was like sword fighting naked was he shredded.

Absolutely shredded. Interesting. But I don't think of Austin Butler as like a strong guy. Well you should. Did you ever get the Elvis voice out of him a little bit? Yeah definitely.

Did you ever sneak into it a little bit? I think Austin Butler is a great actor but I also just he's kind of like a Christopher Walken type guy. He doesn't disappear into a role. He's just like, that's Austin Butler. I can really see that. At one point he did the sword thing and he said, oh.

Yeah. I think they kept it. A long time. Whoa. Yeah, when he was fighting Timmy Chalamet at the end, he was like, you ain't nothing but a hound dog. Cutting all the swords. You ain't nothing but a hound dog cutting all the swords you ain't nothing but a sword five uh austin that was great you're think you're still doing elvis

you ain't never shot a guy and you're at least glaive. I don't know any other Elvis songs. I can't do anything else. How do we not know any other Elvis songs? Hound Dog, I'm All Worked Up. I'm All Shook Up. All Shook Up. All Shook Up. I think that was it.

He was really famous for those two songs. Yes. And it was the 70s. They didn't have any other songs. He's that type. He's hot, has two songs yes and it was the 70s they didn't have any other songs you just have to be hot as two songs and suddenly you're the most if you have a pompadour and you don't go to the army you're hot or do or do did he i forget what he did it doesn't matter yeah it doesn't matter because he had blue suede shoes that's right right. That was movie review time. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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All right, we're back in the same room. Let's bring back a new classic. Not like poetry or noetry. This is a new fan favorite. Good. Which is based on an old thing we did, Quick Characters. I love it. Where we would yell new characters at each other and the other person has to throw themselves

entirely into it. An improv game of sorts. Alright, great. This is based on the first video we ever made together. Bringing it back. This is the second time we've done it on the podcast. Yeah, so this is the third time

we've done it in our whole entire lives. Holy shit. Do you want to give me a character first or do you want me to give you one? All right, I'll give you one first. Okay. Guy on a first date who is overplaying

the coolest thing about him. he's actually a descendant of bram stoker you know the dracula writer no i didn't okay have you been here before um not me but my great granddad used to come here a lot. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I heard good things about the happy hour. I heard good things about my granddad or my great granddad. Oh, that's really neat. Bram Strokeler. Bram Strokeler. Do you know his name?

Do you? You're talking about Bram Stoker? Bram Stoker. Oh, yeah, he wrote The Vampire. My great granddad came up with that. Came up with it? Or made it popular, I think. Okay.

It seems like you don't know anything about this guy. She'll do a martini and I'll have a glass of blood. I'm going to call my friend and get picked up. Please do. I'm ready for a three-way. It's not like that. You're really weird. Okay.

All right. Nice warm-up. So you're a kayaker who got stuck on an island with a fellow kayaker, and you ate them pretty much right away and where they were sick or yeah you resorted to cannibalism the first afternoon and you're being rescued the next day got it okay oh oh there hey there he is thank you so much Oh, how long has it been since we've been gone? You, well, you didn't get reported missing until late yesterday afternoon. Oh, thank God.

Yeah. I'm so full. So I think it's been a less than 12 hours. I'm so tired. We do, we brought a kind bar. Oh, thank you. You're full, did you say? Oh.

So we're looking for. I didn't think you'd ever come. Well, yeah, there's... I ate him. You... George? George is... The other kayaker?

Yes. I ate him. Why? It could have been weeks, years, months on this place. This place? I consumed him in my... This is... While he slept.

There's a Sunoco right over there. Really? Yeah. I thought that was a Noisise. I thought that was a desert hallucination brought on by starvation. You're in Florida. Keep the kind bar.

I still have my hoagie. I brought sandwiches for the trip and I thought I'd get to them second. I ate George. See that? I felt full. I still have the sandwiches. I see his body.

It looks like you ate his penis first. Oh, actually, PB&J? I can't possibly eat these all. I am stuffed. Alright. That would have been a good episode of Stuck, our cartoon about being stuck

on an island. Oh, that's right. Only that would be me trying to eat the guy on night one. And they're not even that stuck. I wake up. I think my kayak is actually still good. Just not biting my fucking foot. Okay.

Guy who's trying to get his friend laid because he just got fired, but it's not that kind of meetup. It's not that kind of meetup. Yeah, I'm just sort of sad. Oh, my God. I cannot believe it. Like, I don't know. I feel like I'll get unemployed for six weeks and then I'm fucked. I don't have like rich parents.

Well, that means you're actually not fucked for six weeks. And why don't we get you fucked for six weeks tonight? I can't. I don't even think I can afford it. I'm going to wingman you. I don't even think I can afford a drink here. I'm going to wingman you. I don't need a wingman. I think I'm so gut-punched that I can't even think about anything else.

You're gut-punched? I'm going to get you cock-sucked. I have $3,000 left to my name. How much? $3,000. And rent is $2,250. All right. You're buying drinks for the bar then.

That's the first move. That's how we get people. Oh, my God. It just hit me. Round of shots on this guy. I won't have health insurance for a year. He doesn't have health insurance. I need you to wingman for me too.

I have diabetes. I'm going to die. Abedies? In the next six months. Not sex. Death. I can't afford to live. Not here.

Not anywhere. That's an interesting pickup line. But try something like, you come here often. Because I can make you come often. How much money do you have? Because you don't seem like really stressed out about being unemployed. I have a trust fund that has $40 million in it. So give me that. Give me the cash.

Don't worry about getting me laid, getting my cock sucked. I'll give you a million dollars if you can get your cock sucked tonight. Oh, great. Let's do that. Now that's the premise of a movie. Oh, that's a really good one. A guy has to have sex to get money from his friend. This is actually kind of on theme.

Guy who needs to get Michelle Obama to go on a date with him and your life depends on it. Okay. Do I see Michelle Obama? You have five minutes with her. Okay. Am I on a date with Michelle? No, no, no. This is like a fundraising event.

You paid $100,000 for a plate at the table. It's two tables away from Michelle, but you get some face time. Thank you so much for coming. Oh, my God. This is such an honor. It's two tables away from Michelle, but you get some face time. Thank you so much for coming. Oh my God. This is such an honor. It's so amazing. Thank you. Just to see you and president Barack.

Oh, are you guys on the rocks by the way? Are you, you and Barack? I remember you did an interview where you were talking about the struggles of having children. Yeah. It's,

it's hard to have, but what a labor of love. I would have prioritized you. What? Uh, look. Are you doing a impression of my husband? Your ex-husband. Your ex-husband.

What does a single Michelle Obama want out of life? Because I feel like everything you've done so far is in service of this man, who was awesome, by the way. I'm such a huge... I stan the Obamas. I really do stan the Obamas. Your confidence is really intriguing. Really? Yeah. I did

three push-ups before I started talking to you. How much money is in your checking account? $3,000. And I do have diabetes. Let's do it yes i can't believe me and michelle yeah together forever finally you're on a first hinge date with a fine latin lover at one point you say i thought you were mexican but you have no explanation as to why yeah i really like this place where are you from i don't understand how you want me to get this out it'll come naturally where are you from uh me i'm from connecticut my family's from puerto rican mexico where are you from

oh no my family's from puerto rico i thought you were from mexico no that's not what it said it's i thought you were mexican i thought oh i thought you were mexican why i don't know i don't know i thought it said that on your hinge profile profile. Oh. I thought I saw a Mexican flag or something. No. I know all of the flags. It said I love dirty dudes. Show me, pull up any flag and I'll tell you what country it is. I don't really get reception here.

Okay. Anyway. Because I can describe something. You've got green. What does the Mexican flag look like, by the way? It's green. It's white. It's red.

As in, boy, is my face red. Because I thought you were from Mexico. But you said you're from Trinidad and Tobago. I said Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico. You get here and you're red and orange. You're beat red right now. Yes, and I would be.

It's not a big deal. It's fine. It's not a big deal. I thought you were from New Jersey. You're from Connecticut. That's actually really offensive. That's actually more offensive than whatever the hell I said to you. Which is a bigger problem, by the way.

The reverse sexism thing that I'm experiencing. This is awful. Do you listen to Joe Rogan? No, of course not. Do you watch Tucker? He's on eggs. He's on ecstasy.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells's on ecstasy. I'm on eggs. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. All I can think of is really bad first dates, but I got some that are not. This is why we need to go back to Lonely and Horny. Do you have another one? Yeah. A guy at Foot Locker who wants to try on baby shoes. Wow.

So many options. I feel like I'm paralyzed with choice. Yeah. Can I help you find anything? Yeah. Do you have these Jordans and a... Yeah. Do you look like...

What is that? One and a half. Ten and a half? Ten and a half? One and a half. One and a... One and a half. I'm a one.

I'm like between a one and a one and a half Yeah In what In life Oh those are sick Air Force ones These are Little Little booties

My feet Didn't grow from birth Do you have like little soft booties I feet um yeah didn't grow okay from birth yeah do you have like little soft booties i have yeah we can this is a dope colorway dude are these the new shacks he taps you up little tiny fists oh yeah i have small hands and feet all right i'm a size yeah one is there even one do they have baby sizes i i think they're i think it's called like uh it's maybe it's done in months and maybe the one is like one to two as in like one to two years or something like that jemma hasn't worn shoes yet though she's never worn shoes uh no when does

that happen um i think when they start walking i see some kids in like some kind of like slippers but we basically just put her in socks all the time. Interesting. She's not far from shoes, though. Shoes. She has a pair of shoes. She doesn't have any bones in her feet. You can't make her put anything on. Would you say you have baby shoes never worn for sale? I don't want to.

Yeah. They're not for sale. They're not for sale. So it's like the nicest story. Baby shoes never worn, but she will. Yeah, but soon enough. Baby shoes not worn yet. The happiest story ever told.

Guy on a job interview, you, has really bad answers to some pretty banal and standard questions. Great. So this has been great just one last kind of funny curveball just to see that you answer in a nice normal fashion before let's just say you get the job but you pretty much have the job hope I don't blow it on the finish line sir

how many golf balls would you say fill up this room how many golf balls oh man three or let's say twelve twelve golf balls. Oh, man. A hazard. Three or... Let's say 12. 12.

12. Well, what's the size of the room? It looks like... Talk through it. Walk through your rationale. This is 10 feet by 10 feet with looks like 11 feet. Nice ceiling height, by the way.

Appreciate it. This is my office with the window over there height um so yeah how many golf balls do you think 45 45 i feel like that fills the space you mean like you don't mean just like how many would be good to have like it's so i'm i mean you shut the door and it's like to the brim with a golf ball oh you i thought you meant like damn this room this room's full of golf balls why there's why there's 40 balls in here you know but if you're saying how many actually literally make it so there's nothing but balls here what a premise what a premise i should let's let's get my 401k set up

because you said I had the job. But 100, 110, maybe. Thank you so much for coming in. I agree, this is a formality. Oh no, oh no. Baby hand? A small hand and a bad hand shake and you were thousands off.

Crossing my leg. Size one shoe. Oh, wait. That was mine. Yeah. You got one more for me. Okay. You are on a flight on the tarmac. Your flight is not taking off.

It's stuck. This is perfect. I was on a flight yesterday. Yeah. Okay. So you are stuck on an airplane on the runway and you are going through a really messy divorce with the pilot of the plane. uh hey hey there folks we are uh we're just waiting for takeoff uh it looks like there's the runway is a little backed up uh we're we're about 10th in line don't expect to leave

anytime soon uh guy next to you um excuse me i was saying don't expect to leave anytime soon i more than know the pilot we're going through it's fine i don't want to get into it enjoy the flight uh sir can i have you an insanely messy separation um and you sorry don't talk to me like I'm a fucking toddler did Todd send you back here tell him I'll put the seatbelt on when he gets the fuck away from the gate make sure your seatbelts

are on especially I'll put my seatbelt on when you back up from the fucking gate and I'll back up from the fucking gate and i'll back up from the fucking gate when you sign the fucking papers dale oh my god by the way this is exactly what i expected would happen he would sabotage a fucking plane filled with people just to get his way okay oh and here they come to de-ice us actually so i'm gonna turn the seatbelt sign off. We're going to be here for a while. Exactly. I wish someone would de-ice his cock. You know he has a frozen little prick dick.

I do not. Yes, he does. I do not. Prick dick. Prick dick. Holy shit, the whole airplane is doing it. It's a mutiny. Todd runs out his icicle dick out.

I knew it. He called this a prick. All right. One last one. Yeah. Guy who just shat himself during an all-hands meeting, and his office crush is talking to him for the first time ever, whispering while the CEO addresses the room.

Okay. Oh, shit. You gotta be kidding me. Hey. Hey. It smells awful in here, doesn't it? I know. It fucking, this room stinks.

That's funny. What's your name? What's your name? Tony. Tony, hey, yeah, I'm Veronica. Hi, Veronica. Oh, my God., I'm Veronica. Hi, Veronica. Oh my god. It stinks like ass.

What is that you're sitting on? This is pie. What is that? I'm sitting on a chocolate. I wouldn't mind getting some pie with you later. You really turned on. I really? Yeah, I feel like we have a lot in common.

We do. I've been watching you. Sorry. Can you scoot over for a second? You really turned on. I really? Yeah, I feel like we have a lot in common. We do. I've been watching you. Sorry. Can you scoot over for a second? I just need to see the seat of your pants. I'll scoot back and you can scoot in. Oh, my God. It reeks.

It reeks. I guess. Veronica, let's pay some respect to the boss, though. Let's shh. And we'll catch up. That's some respect to the boss, though. Let's shh. And we'll catch up. You're catching chocolate on your fingers. Oh, no. That's a good rom-com moment.

It's like you have to eat your own shit to prove that it's chocolate. We've done that in Jake in the Mirror several times. Isn't that in something about Mary? It's like the hair gel thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. He has to use's like the hair gel thing oh yeah yeah he has he like he's seaming his hair gel

right he's jerking off yeah and he he shoots some comedy he doesn't know where it went and then he answers the door and it's on his ear

and she says she says you have hair gel and then she puts it in her hair and it goes straight up they don't make movies like that anymore yeah nothing was funnier than that that

was the pinnacle of late 90s comedy that was in the trailer which seems like really because it's come raunchy yeah it's semen yeah and now that i think of it as an adult like when i was watching it i was 13 so i wasn't really sure the physics of it but for semen for come to be that viscous that it would hang off your ear no he's either jerking off too much or not enough I would say in the fucking scripting phase that doesn't make like if I said and then she has a strand

of cum by his ear yeah I would think I would say like oh that doesn't fully make sense like semen is so but would you be fine with him zipping his whole entire penis all the way into his that was so that was so like visceral seeing that yeah the zipper yeah and then he had it stuck and then they they alluded to it a long time but then when they showed it the crowd was like yeah it was into it yeah which doesn't again does not happen anymore um no i bet that we should that would be another fun segment segment is watching movies that didn't age well.

Like, there's a lot of stuff they make fun of in that. I mean, I think in any of the, yeah, in any of these comedies that we grew up on, I think would be very, very problematic. I think I told you this recently, but in Ace Ventura, one of my favorite movies growing up. Oh, yeah, everybody. The climax of the movie is you find out a woman is trans and then every police officer in the room starts vomiting. Yeah. And that's how they sort of get away because they can't stop puking. Right.

At the idea. Well, they all kissed. They all kissed her. Yeah. Yeah. So he has to fucking scrub his tongue. Oh, my God. It's the worst thing in the fucking scrub his tongue. Oh my God. It's the worst thing in the fucking world.

Einhorn is Finkel. Finkel is Einhorn. It's the main part of the movie. Yeah. Then he just goes over and he just vomits. And everybody in the room vomits. Including Dan Marino. Honestly, he should be canceled for that.

Marino's in this movie um no we should let us know which movies you think are the most problematic we should we should re-watch them yeah or just any 90s uh raunchy comedies yeah i can come over and we can watch them with um headphones it's a great idea but you have to stifle your laughter too so i would wear like a ball gag headphones and a ski mask yeah that's a good character for quick characters actually i'm babysitting your child i spill wine on my pants so i take them off and do a load of laundry i want to watch the movie but i don't talk to wake up your child so you come home and i'm wearing headphones no pants and a ball home and i'm wearing headphones no

pants and a ball gag and i'm watching something about mary that would be so disturbing oh my god oh mr and mrs herwitz i wouldn't pay you see there but jem is completely fine yeah he's in a different room right right i'm an amazing that would. That would ruin my life, I think. I don't think I could ever – I would never have another babysitter ever again. Okay, yeah. Have you had a babysitter yet? Yeah, we've had two. Oh. Two babysitters.

Is that stressful? I guess maybe three. Our downstairs neighbor has done it. We've known her, so that was normal. Jill's parents have done it. Oh, yeah. I mean, if it's family, you've got to trust. But then twice we had friends that recommended people.

Randos. Yeah, randos that we met for the first time as gems that sleep in a room. And we're like, all right. Don't. We're out of here. Kill anybody. I'm so afraid to leave. Well, let's get an Italian dinner.

Yeah. You think it's okay? All right. And then we're just at dinner, like literally like watching the baby monitor or just looking at pictures. It really makes no, we don't need to leave the house. Yeah. You could have a dinner at home. Yeah.

But it's not considered a date night if you don't leave the house. Yeah, exactly. What if they recommended a babysitter and just this 58 year old guy showed up? Tony seems perfectly lovely, but it's like, why is this a 58 year old guy? I would be fine with that. You'd be fine with a 58 year old? Yeah. More so than like a sweet teenage lady, which you assume is like a babysitter.

Yeah. No, I would be perfectly fine with that. I think maybe I'm more okay with an adult than somebody that seems younger than you. Yeah. I would be fine with an adult than somebody that seems younger. Somebody older than you. Yeah. I would be fine with somebody older than me. Really last minute thing. But have you noticed as you get older that like adults are now younger than you? Oh, yeah.

Like I'm meeting like executives. I'm like, oh, what do you do? Like you're 33. He's like, oh, yeah, I'm an Amazon executive or I'm a VP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. But you're 19. He's like, no, I'm 38. executive or I'm a VP of a law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. But you're 19.

He's like, no, I'm 38. Right. And you're 41. Yeah, Jill watches like Housewives sometimes or like Selling Sunset. And I see these people that are like, oh, wow, like this is, she looks older. And then she's 36.

I'm like, huh. So this middle-aged woman is two years younger than me? Doesn't make sense. That's odd. How do you have four kids if you're 40? I guess that's fairly easily. And also like all of the old soccer players are two years younger than me now. Yeah, the athletes doesn't ever make sense.

I'm older than LeBron, but he's basically like could be my father it seems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 39. That's old. That's old for being as good as he is. Alright, that was it. Solid ep. We're back at it. We're back in the, what is it?

Back at it again with the white tan slash vans. Cans. Cans. For more of us, you can watch our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. We're revisiting some classic Jake and Amir episodes. Yeah. We watched a really good one last week.

I think it was Girls. Oh, Girls. Yeah. We're trying different pickup lines. Basically, this quick character thing. Yeah, that's true. Just chopped up with quick cuts. Yeah.

And we're recording these as videos, so you can watch it on our YouTube channel. True. Which is called Jake and Namir Pods. But if you search Jake Namir segments on YouTube, you'll find it. Just Google us and follow everything. Everything. Everything. From Letterboxd to my old MySpace to my LinkedIn.

To beingfamous.com. I have a LinkedIn and a Zynga. That's right. I have a live journal. We should get back on MySpace. We have an OnlyFans. Really? Yeah. I have a live journal. We should get back on MySpace. We have an OnlyFans. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. But I did see a little bright light when I was taking a shit

the other day. Was that you? Yes. You son of a bitch. I put a ring in your toilet. That's right. The anal ring. An aura ring. Yeah, a ring on your ring. And we'll be back next Monday as always. Goodbye everybody.

The Hiddem Original.