Segments - 30: Haehh! (with Patrick Cassels)

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

CollegeHumor's Pat Cassels joins us this week to discuss Captain Kirk, counting calories, and couples costumes. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- http://bit.ly/19QVjfj. For healthy and tasty snacks, delivered to you for free, check them out! And use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first shipment. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This was a fun episode. Pat was on it. Yeah. You guys, shit gets real. I know I say that every single time, but really, shit got real. Pat openly wept for close to half an hour. We had to cut that part out. That was before we started the podcast, too.

And then we launched right into it. So, yes, enjoy the episode, everyone. To be a leader Is my way You don't think there's ever PCS in the street? Fake and plain What is it? How good is sex work? What is it with all the hoes who have blood? Coming home from a run after striking out at a bar I recently found out she's a virgin and plans on saving herself for men. See the cheese.com is available. Holy shit. Whoa.

That was the Chemical Brothers. Live in the studio. I'm rolling face right now. It's 1 p.m. and you're sweating right now. Man, man, I fucking have a dry mouth. I haven't seen those pacifier necklaces in a few p.m. and you're sweating right now. Man, man, I fucking have a dry mouth. I haven't seen those pacifier necklaces in a few years. Yep, LED pacifier necklace. This is not the kind for babies.

This is the kind for adults. How can you tell? You've done no drugs yet. I'm just about to. It's pure music, man. Music is my drug. Also drugs. Yeah, also.

Music stands for Methamphetamine Uber Uber X Uber X That I take to meet My drug dealer For Which is a great service

That was submitted By a user named Noful K-N-O-F-L-E Noful Wow What part of Sweden Is he from?

He moves around a lot He's actually from Iowa. Oh, really? That's where Captain Kirk is from, actually. Hey, it's Pat Cassels, everyone. Did you not tell when he said where Captain Kirk was from? Who set the over-under on Captain Kirk references to a minute and a half of the podcast, and he just got it in. Just got a shade under the minute and a half mark.

The winner is Will Shatner. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and i am patrick is that that was the idea uh no we usually don't say a single word until we introduce you but you just you said the first thing on the podcast amazing it's a ball it took a complete lack of tact a lack lack of tact and a tract of action. I wanted to make sure you guys knew off the bat that I'm a cool dude. I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to chat with one another.

You lacked tact, in fact. I did not lack tact. In fact, he did lack tact. Take that back. I didn't lack tact. You tacted lacked. You really did tact lacked. I appreciate if that statement would be retracted. You tacked. You tacked and lacked. You really did tack and lack. I appreciate if that statement would be retracted.

Seinfeld genes are growing around your guys' legs right now. Well, thanks for coming on the show. This is actually pretty exciting. It's our 30th episode. Oh, wow. So you're on the big 3-0. Big 3-0. We'll never have another 30th episode.

No. That's true. Unless the universe repeats itself, as uh physicist theorite leave the show thank you for having me so much i'm so sorry i even said that in the first place that i'm honored i'm honored to be i'm so i'm thank you for having me you said you listen to the show but it sounds like in a way you just uh listen to like three episodes really like on two times speed on the way over here and like that was your like like yeah i listen to the show so like how does it work like do we answer questions hey guys i didn't ask that broad of a question but how many episodes have you listened to you're taking this no absolutely i want to know right now i want to

embarrass him in front of everybody no i'm gonna be completely honest with you guys i've listened to every episode beginning to end three times each. Holy crap. That's crazy. You specifically said you didn't listen to the Pete Holmes episode yet. Well, that's like brand new.

Oh, not that episode. Yeah. The other one's three times. You know, that was like a sort of special episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That didn't count.

Which turned me off. Anyway, but basically we talk about what's happening in the world of business, right? mad money you have three business insider magazines curled up into a ball in your back pocket i've listened to the show i don't i haven't listened to every episode i i don't i don't really care i was just razzing you don't worry about that you're really missing out right now pat knows how it works yeah let's explain to the audience how it works yeah

pat can help uh people write in with people email us in their sticky situations, their conundrums, and we do our best to help them get out of them. And sometimes it's just us two, and sometimes we have our friends on. And this time we have Pat. Come on, man. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I can take some razzing.

I'm not like, it's fine. You're steaming. Yeah, you are clenching my thigh very hard right now. I get it. I move it. I can take some razzing. I'm not like, it's fine. You're steaming. Yeah, you are clenching my thigh very hard right now. I get it. I get it. You prod the new guy because you love him. Yeah. It's totally fine.

And that's usually the case. So why don't we try to get started? Let's do it. Oh, and if you want to submit a theme song or an email to us, that email is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Gmail.com uh so these are real emails from real people and we're going to give them fake names and pat said he would have a good uh theme for today's episode so pat what would you say if this was written by a guy who

who what should we call him um i would say this would be apollo okay so apollo apollo writes so probably didn't say Captain Kirk. Enough, all right? We've already razzed him quite enough, actually. You started this. No, no. And that's also very light razzing compared to what you did, which was deliberately call him out within the first four minutes of the show. All right, ready?

Yes. Apollo writes, what up, my nerds? What up, my nerds? That being said, my question to you fellows is how to manipulate... I love this guy. Oh, I wrote this one. What's your show about? Science Sincerely.

Apollo. All right, here we go. Apollo writes, what's up, my nerds? That being said, my question to you fellows is how to manipulate my girlfriend into losing weight. She's pretty hot now, easily a seven out of ten at least and she's not fat but she can lose weight i am in impeccable shape and i just don't understand why everybody can't just eat right and work out any tips apollo you um you see what i look like right now you why would you bring me on for this question well this is just how to manipulate a girl to lose weight wow that's a that's a provocative one or should you yeah he didn't ask that and we won't we won't infer we won't make our own questions i have to answer this

question yeah so how do you manipulate your girlfriend someone you love into losing weight she's a seven to say the least and she's's not fat, but she could lose some weight. Yeah, because, you know, she's not at the bare minimum of weight, which is the way you are when you die. He's in impeccable shape. He just doesn't understand why everybody can't eat right now. I think it might be peccable.

I have doubts that it's somewhat peccable. Yeah, his pecs are probably impeccable. So here's what you do, buddy. You're going to go into your dining room and just stand about five and a half to six feet away from the table. Okay, and then just fall forward as fast as you can. Don't brace yourself. You're going to smack your head and face on the table.

And hopefully it sort of knocks some sense into you or at least breaks your face. Because I think you deserve to have your face broken. Jesus. Yeah. I think he deserves to be beaten up for this. But not by a human, by some sort of weird freak accident. He's got to do it himself. And he has to fall forward? I think he should fall forward onto his face near a table.

And like where? Hit his forehead or something? I would think like his teeth and nose. If he wants to fall side face, that's going to hurt his eye socket, his teeth, his nose, and maybe his ear. Baby, what happened to you? I fell down on purpose onto a table and I hurt my face. I thought you were in impeccable shape. How did this happen?

What's wrong with you? I guess you're not. I'm very suggestible. As a 700-pound woman, I'm concerned about your health. Oh, my. Sorry. I'm eating you So he's in impeccable shape But he can only get a 7 out of 10

So I imagine Oh It's got a lot to do with his personality Or maybe his face is bad to be human Or maybe yeah Maybe he's not impeccable Yeah You can be impeccable shape

But still be ugly Impeccable is a relative term too Totally You know like in the early 19 In the early 20th century To be a rotund fat man was considered like the most desirable body because it meant you were fat and wealthy and you could eat a lot of chicken and stuff like a like a you know rockefeller type you have a big old belly and you're just a fat cat whoa that guy i think that guy eats chicken

and ham but now it's like richard branson's the new millionaire and he's a fucking stud actually that question was from richard branson i'm a playboy billionaire with the perfect body how do i manipulate my badass girlfriend i hang out in space sometimes she's not fat she could just lose weight i mean what i mean the genuine answer is, you know, yeah, you shouldn't, you should not. You know. It is a very shallow thing to say. Of course.

But if you, let's zoom out a little bit. If you fell in love with someone. Way out, because this woman is so huge. I mean, she is enormous. Let's not get stuck in her gravitational pull. I mean, Jesus Christ. The word that really, really bothers me is manipulate Yes

I think that this would be such a It's a genuine question You have to trick her, like replace soda with diet soda Or like chicken with tuna fish Inject steroids into her shampoo So she moves around more No one should ask advice on how to manipulate people Yeah, manipulate's a very loaded word.

Well, it worked out well. I manipulated her, and now she's thin again. It's perfect. Yeah, I've sort of got her under my thumb in that regard. I have sort of tricked her into losing what must be 30 to 35 pounds just through a weird suggestive wordplay. I think I basically hypnotized my girlfriend to like salad more than sandwiches.

Yeah, every visual in my head is like putting things in pies that shouldn't be there and just gaslighting her. Can I inception her to lose weight? I'd love to inception her, to just get down deep into her psyche and make it so that she's afraid of carbs. I like the idea of using inception as a verb.

Yeah, can I inception her? How do I inception her? I want to inception her to a paleo diet, I think. I want to suggest that the caveman knew what they were doing. Well, we have to go 13 layers deep because she's so fat that... The first nine dream levels are about chicken, we have to She just wakes up wanting lasagna Because you didn't get deep inside of enough ass No

I feel like we love the fat jokes On a purely visceral level It doesn't mean anything We don't actually know what this girl looks like She's not fat, she's a 7 out of 10 Easy She's coming from a goddamn dime I mean shit, that's cool man

you're a piece of shit though yeah would you ever rank your girlfriend would you ever like when you i guess when you first start dating some when you first see someone you maybe you can like assign a numerical value all the time but like have you ever ranked your girlfriend yeah you know what your girlfriends are yeah at least according to me what are they they? They were a seven, an eight, a nine, a seven, and a nine.

This is so fucking honest. Yeah. That's your social security number. What was it like going from a nine to a seven? It was hard. You would drink the milk of paradise

and now you're back to reality. Well, there are other things to put into account. How would you rank their personality? but a better ass if that makes sense. How would you rank their personality? The seven have a worse face, but a better ass. Yeah. If that makes sense.

How would you rank their personality? I'm just joking. That being said, four, four, one, nine, and three. Wow, you should have never gotten rid of the nine or niner. But she was the seven. This guy sounds incredibly shallow. You're talking about Jake. No, the dude who wrote the question sounds incredibly shallow.

And, you know, I personally do not, I've never assigned a numerical value to a woman, except that she's number one to me. You fucking loser. No, but just to play this guy's game for a second. Well, this is coming from a dude who's only dated fat chicks. Am I right? Thank you. Stop. It's like Pat manipulated the skinny ones to be bigger. I mean,

Jesus Christ, man. Whoa. I've heard of taking her out to dinner. Anyone near him looks like a goddamn whale, I swear to God. Him and any girl looks like the number 10. Stream memes go great with ham. Closer to the bone and sweeter is the meat. Okay, just to play his game for a second. His definition of a seven is probably not...

I'm not going to take that at face value. I bet his seven is like my 13, you know? Oh, so you're saying he's ranking her low? Probably. He's not very self-aware at all, too. He's like, I'm in impeccable shape. Nothing's wrong with me. How do I manipulate my girlfriend to get as good-looking as I am?

I think I'm a narcissist. Do you vet these questions at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this wasn't just completely chosen at random. We chose someone who did sound like a loser on purpose. I didn't mean to, like, open up the hood. I will say, alright, let's do this. We'll do, like, OJ Simpson, you know, like if, you know, if I did it, this is what it would be.

Yeah. So like if I wanted to do this, if I wanted to manipulate the girl into getting thin. Yeah. Here's what you, I mean, you would say you make it like a team thing. Yeah. Let's go to the gym together. Like, oh, let's, let's go on hikes together. Let's, let's start cooking at home

let's uh exercise together let's get healthy together not like you need to do this you need you're unattractive right right because maybe if i mean if i take apart if i take away the manipulating thing maybe if you like likes this girl for a personality thinks she's great but just wants her to be healthier do you think there's anything to the idea that if a woman gains weight while she's with you uh you can uh become less attracted to her it's a little bit of a bait and switch for me i can't because like the bigger that ass gets the more i'm in love absolutely sorry can you stop doing that noise the the kanye yeah the uh yeah i don't want that i don't want that i think a lot of rappers do that a thing he did? I don't want that. I think a lot of rappers do it.

I think a lot of geese do that. Geese and rappers. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what's up, man. I love bread. Yeah, yeah. Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread. Bread, bread. Pond, pond, pond, bread.

My bones are hollow. Laying some eggs, laying eggs. Sitting in the nest. Kanye just starts growing a beak. Holy shit, he's a goddamn goose. I'm into it. I'm sorry he's changing your paradigm of what rap can be. No, no, look at him.

He's picking up a slice of bread off the grass with only his beak mouth. He's throwing it in the air. Yeezy. Take it easy, Yeezy. Yeezus. Yeezus. 300 Yeezus. We're the Trojans. We've hurt this guy enough in giving him some

advice. You should also maybe be honest with your girlfriend and say that you wanted to... I'll go further. I will say I don't like, I dislike his girlfriend. Wow. Yeah. She's done nothing wrong. Yes, she has.

When you say go further, you've gone too far. No, absolutely not. I have not. Because this is a girl who is with this guy for a year. So she's probably a piece of shit too. Interesting. You guys are staring at me like I just suggested we beat someone up. You're just like, uh, no, I think.

I was momentarily wondering if there was any logic to that. I'm not on board with you. Are asshole guys, can they only attract terrible women? No. Lots of girls fall for assholes. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't have that bitter.

I'm single. Full disclosure. We know. Anyway, tell us more about Captain Kirkirk's uh i'm kidding dude was the biggest pimp in the galaxy fyi so what you're doing right now is sort of backfiring wow it's like you're embarrassing yourself right now maybe if you maybe if you mentioned spock or some shit because that yeah he he could clean up all right so you're so say what you're gonna say you. You're single, full disclosure. Yeah, but like,

no, no, the idea of like, do girls attract, what was it? Do terrible guys, can only terrible girls be with terrible guys? I mean, I've never had that bitterness that some guys have of like, ugh, why is she with that douchebag? But I have heard that's kind of

a truism, that like, girls will often wind up with jerks but i've never i've definitely been bested by men or i've had girls i like be attracted to other guys but they're never total assholes but they become assholes once they once they're not with me all guys do all guys are assholes sometimes like maybe this guy is actually nice to her he's just writing a mean email behind her back which makes him an asshole but like maybe like he also he hasn't like done anything yet he probably treats her pretty well he did all call all of us nerds in the beginning of the letter i do love the the beginning made me laugh before i even got to the question i'm glad the question was good but

it says what's up my nerds that being said my question to you like you didn't say anything you just saluted us he's like he's like a weird mafia Don who just took an English class. That being said, therefore, forego the following query to use his... Henceforth, the following query to use his gentleman. Eh.

Sounds like we're out of time when you do that. No, it's not eh. It's hen. H-E-H-H-C-H-U-G-H. Eh. Can you use that in a sentence? Yes The goose went Dave Rosenberg, you my boy Okay, and can you say

Does it have Latin roots, Greek roots? It's sort of, I think it comes from Like, ha ha, in your face, I'm richer than you Alright Sort of like bragging, I'm richer than you. All right. Huh? Sort of like bragging, I think. H-H-E-C-C-H-H-G-H. Now you alluded to being in the spelling bee. Huh? But you did spell it correctly.

That being said. Henceforth, ergo. Ergo. Cogito ergo sum. The following query I propose verily to use as guys. Yeah, I guess I did go too far. I shouldn't say that this girl's an asshole. There's lots of really nice girls with asshole guys.

Right, I think you should, number one, respect your girlfriend. Number two, if you want her to be healthier and you think it would make her happier, then there's a positive way to go about this that feels inclusive and brings you two closer together rather than you being a manipulative asshole. Yeah, but this girl's not fat, so she doesn't have to lose weight, it sounds like. That's just a purely aesthetic thing. It's not like a health thing yet. How do you know she's not fat? Because she says she's not fat.

I'm not saying obesity. She's not fat, but he just wants her to be thinner? Yes. But obesity is different. You can always be thinner. Look better. No, not thinner. Like, I don't know.

I just don't, I don't think she's like, I'm not saying like obese, unhealthy. I'm just saying like a healthier lifestyle. Yeah. It really doesn't matter as long as they're in a normal weight range. So like this guy is saying that she's not fat, but he wants her lady to lose weight. So he can either get used to what her current weight is and suck it up or find someone else if you want someone skinny yeah if she's not like if she's not morbidly unhealthily obese then he has no right telling her like lose weight it's not you know if it's

if you want if he should just leave that that would end for her sake as well as his. She's of a normal, healthy weight. He has no right to demand she change her body. Dude, that's why you're single. I mean, I swear to God, like that attitude, that's not going to get you play. Really? It really won't.

All right, just tell me what to do. You got to... I'm a sponge, bro. You got to replace sandwiches with salads from day one. Put cocaine in her salt. All right. Are we done here? I think so.

I mean, I don't know that we've given him any definitive advice. You said turn it into a team building activity. She could probably stand to lose a few pounds. That's not what I said. How dare you, actually, for even suggesting that. I would never do that. If she's happy, then fuck off. But if there's people that are unhealthy and they want to be healthier,

they just can't motivate themselves to do it. All right. I'm done with this guy. Let's go on to the next question. This clown. This ass clown. This ass. So this next email is from a lady.

Pat, you got a name for us? Oh, yeah, from a lady. Ros, you got a name for us? Oh, yeah, from a lady. Rosalyn. Okay, Rosalyn writes, Dear guys, I'm a 20-year-old female in college, and I just got dumped by a guy that I was in a long-distance relationship with for three years. He decided that after all this time, he wasn't ready for a commitment. As a student in engineering, I have plenty of guys to check out.

Basically, like shooting fish in a barrel. But I'm a bit rusty at getting the nerve to talk to the ones I'm super attracted to. How do I let a guy know that I'm interested in him? I really want to show this new guy that I'm completely available, and if he plays his cards right, open for business. Any tips, tricks, and turn-ons would be very useful. I can't believe she's like, I'm that pool of engineering students. Yeah.

She also went from super confident to very unconfident in one email. So she can have any Iranian transfer student she wants. Really. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. That being said, I don't have the courage or nerve to approach the ones that I find attractive. I don't have a gun or a bullet or a barrel. What I have is an ocean of fish,

and I am sort of lost, alone, confused, and scared. This is not a metaphor. I just have a pile of rancid fish in my living room. That being said, I have been hooking up with one of the fish. I put a trout in my vagina not two hours ago, and I am feeling more than a little bit frisky. I am so desperate. There's a goddamn tuna fish inside me and I'm wondering how to hook up with an engineer. Any help you can provide would be very helpful.

California roll on my clit right now. Oh God. How dare you? You said put a tuna in your vagina. How dare you? Yeah. I painted a little bit more of a picture. Chicken of the, and C stands for clit. Joke of the trip. Joke of the clit. Wow. Okay, so this seems like a pretty straightforward question. She's a nice young lady who wants advice on how to approach guys.

Girls don't need advice to how to approach guys. I agree. No, that is not progressive. Guys need advice. Girls are open for – girls are the tough ones to gain. If you're a girl and you like a guy, you just have to talk to him. I think – I do like it when girls just come up and initiate conversation. I think I don't – I know as a dude, like the onus is kind of on me i suppose um so when when that's when that

paradigm is sort of shaken up a little bit it's a pleasant to me it's it's a pleasant surprise i like that advice what's onus what's paradigm i was too busy getting my dick sucked i think that's good i think that's actually really smart and i'm with it what's onus what's paradigm are these like sex positions? I haven't heard of yet. Yeah. Because that seems highly unlikely. If that's the kind of fish that goes in the sushi, then I will say eel on the clit is funny.

Oh, God. Eel on the clit. Do you have your t-shirt sleeves rolled up right now? I'd love to eel you up. I really would. I'm getting into character. I got to roll up my sleeves. What's the onus?

Okay. I'm almost regretting even saying that now because now it seems like I'm, maybe at this point in history, maybe I'm wrong that. Well, someone has to be the aggressor when meeting someone. You either have to,

there's like two ways to play it. It's like, oh, you see a girl you're attracted to. You can either lay back, act cool, and see if she approaches you, or. Send her a Facebook message that's kind of cryptic and obscure that just sort of says like, hey, thought you'd like this movie clip. Yeah. Wait seven months. And then if she doesn't respond, be like, hey, did you get my thing about the movie clip? This is like when you run into her on the street, be like, and she's like, oh, yeah, maybe.

You'd be like, maybe, or, okay, i'll resend it because it says it says you saw it that's but this is like the joke but it's also it's so true like there's it's not not like when our grandparents met think about that like they would go to a uso dance or something and they had to uso i don't know they're like my grandfather was a nazi was a Nazi There'd be like a dance There was a dance Like an SS march Yeah they had to propose that night Because that was the one time you met a girl

Like that was it And now it's like we meet a million people There's like dating apps If I like meet a girl at a party I don't even need to get her number I can get her information on Facebook I can send her a friend request It's the most passive thing in the world

I can follow her on Instagram I like her photos She her a friend request. It's the most passive thing in the world. I can follow her on Instagram. I like her photos. She likes mine. It's crazy. There's just a million ways. You don't have to ever like take a risk. Yeah. You do it digitally a day later like a coward.

Have you guys ever taken a risk though? Have you ever actually done it? Like because I. Like ask someone for their number? I. Well, that's not more than that. Like, I don't know. Have you ever asked someone out

What's the boldest Move Move you've ever made Ooh that's a good question It's like just In terms of like You know Proposing a date or whatever

This bold move Is brought to you by Doritos The Doritos bold move Hey What's the boldest move You've ever taken I think that Now someone's gonna think

That Doritos actually Sponsored this Fuck you Doritos Doritos fucking suck. Now no one can sell it. Nature box, baby. We did turn it into a real ad. So what's your nature box bold move of the day?

Hey, are you bold? What's your fuck Doritos bold move sponsored by nature box move of the day? Are you italic? Don't forget, the bold Ted will be at Burning Man all day Sunday. Are you bold? Giving out free bags of Doritos to all you

movers and shakers out there. burning hot sriracha burritos. Write your emails to us at fireyoushow at gmail.com and use your bold fonts

just to make sure we read it. Are you bold? Hashtag seize the Dorito. Anyway, I fucked a girl on a dance floor at a club one time.

Jesus. A bunch of cheering on-lookers. But enough about how you lost your virginity. No, like, boldest move, like, kissing a girl when you... No, like... Like, taking the biggest risk. Like, no one would say anything where John Kingsdek goes to that girl's apartment and holds the radio. Oh, that kind of thing.

Like, a sort of, like... A move where if you fail it's pretty embarrassing yeah I don't think I've ever done anything where I like have that risk yeah yeah it's true I've told girls that I have feelings for them before like kind of like straight up here's out of the blue um I mean to not in my head I'm like well like up until the moment I say it, to me, it's not out of the blue. It's like, you feel this too, right? You've been doing this thing here for a couple of months. This can't be chemistry if only one person's feeling it. That's not how chemistry works.

I mean, I fucked chemistry. Sir, I'm your bus driver. I have no idea what you're talking about. So that, for me, would be the answer. Not to answer my own question. I guess I've done stuff like that, but I never like made a grand gesture i don't know nothing like nothing where i didn't know for a fact it would be reciprocated reciprocated well that's what every like first move is it's like oh god there's that little bit the reason that everyone doesn't ask everyone out all the time is the fear

of being rejected right so there's always like a fear of like wait maybe i'm misreading it but i get like you know the leap of faith that I take is always so tiny. It's a crack in the floor. I've like never ever, I guess a couple times, but it's very rare that I'm like, I wonder if this is going to work. Usually by that time, it's like a sure thing. On a few occasions, I've actually like when I get a girl's phone number, I'll be like, this is probably a horrible idea, but I'll be like, hey, what's your number? Like, give me your number. And, like, do you prefer text or phone call?

Oh, God, yeah, that sucks. Because no one's ever going to say phone calls, so you might as well not even ask. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like everyone would say whatever. But, like, I feel like I've got, at some point, like, I've gotten, every time I've got, I've heard so many, like, really passionate, like, dude, do not call her. Yeah, yeah.

I definitely heard a dude do not call and a dude do not text her. So I don't know what to do. No, here's what you do. So I go to her door. I knock. I'm like, hey. Unfortunately, I'm crying because I've been so nervous. I have a bouquet of daisies.

All the petals have fallen off, so it just looks like a weird, like, Adam's family. Some kind of pouring rain. I'm parched. I've been crying my fucking eyes out. I ask her to come in. I see a roommate's kind of pretty. I make a move then and there, trying to kiss her. On the roommate? On the roommate.

I don't give a shit. At this point, the rosies are dead, wet, wilting, and lame. They're just sopping over my wrist. Also, it's 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. Nobody's home. She scurries to the bathroom to get me a towel. I take off my pants, put some peanut butter on my nuts, and I lie on the couch. I said, honey, don't talk with your mouth full.

Make with the yam yams. Acting like she's some kind of dog that's gonna come over here girl the dog does come over I guess she has a shibu inu or some shit the girl catches out of my nutsack I'm borderline castrated wouldn't you know it I shoved some alpo up my ass

just before I came there not knowing she comes in my dick is in her dog's mouth I'm bleeding I'm crying I'm wet and I go hey do you prefer text or phone calls? She's calling the police at this point I'm a goddamn eunuch How's that fair? Wait, what were we going to say, Jay?

Oh, here's what you do If you like her, get her number Don't ask if you should text or call If you like her, just Wait, you know what? Nobody needs this advice Alright, let's move on to the next question I think if you like her, call her. It's like baller move.

She'll tell her friends. She'll be like, you never call girls. I never like them. Don't you get that? You really don't fucking get it. I haven't yet to respect a girl that I like enough to call. I never like them. That was the most sincere thing I think you've ever said.

That was such a gut reaction, I can't even hide from it. You said it like I was a fucking idiot. You've never called someone, I've never liked someone. You fucking idiot. Liking them means I respect myself enough to gain close to, at least to know their personality, and I don't do that. Ladies out there, if you're offended, I i promise you i hate myself more than anyone possibly could you can't hate me more than i you take a number sister because i'm number one come at me trust me i'm beating myself up on the inside every single day so you only you've you've never phone called a lady that you met because you've never had a crush on them?

Yeah, but I do know guys who have done that. And I've also met girls who are like, and he called me. It's sort of like, it's a ballsy move. Yeah, it's old school, it's romantic, and it's confident. Also, though, just to like, in regards to the question, and I think everything relates to this, is that, I don't know how true this is, but I think if the person – it just comes down to like if the person is – likes you or not. They'll know. It doesn't matter.

As soon as they see you and talk to you for like five minutes, they'll have a general idea. If like, you know, they're like intrigued, and then if they're into you, there's very little you can – if you're a normal, well-adjusted person, there's very little I think you can do to blow it. Everything you do, like calling them, if they don't like you and you call them, you're a creep. If they do like you and you call them, you're charming and roguishly forward. That's basically just be yourself and they'll either like it or not. If you're the type of guy that calls, then call,

and then they can get used to that or not. But you shouldn't text if you want to call or call if you want to text. I email. I just do email. It's much more formal. I correspond only over tweeting. It's sort of public, so it – Not direct messages either.

No. I actually do LinkedIn messages more than anything else. Now you can DM people without them following you. Really? Yeah. That's not true. Yes, I think that's the thing they're rolling out. You can direct message anybody, whether they follow you or not?

I think coming soon or already. It's a new development, but I feel like I saw some headline about this. You know what we were talking about? I've DMed Angelina Jolie 27 times. But she follows you. Yeah. Adding messages follows you. Yeah. Adding messages on Instagram. Oh, yeah.

It would be a real game changer. Because it is kind of flirtatious to follow someone or like someone's photo in a super, super, super lightweight passive way. You want to know a new thing that I've been doing on Instagram? Now you're speaking my language. English. This is someone, like, if there's a picture of someone Rather than like it I will text them And be like

I like that picture Oh Oh that's cool So you like someone's photo On Instagram And you text them And say I like the photo I won't like it on Instagram

I'll see it And I'll text them And I'll be like I like that picture Why not like it on Instagram In addition to saying You like it Via text

I don't know Because you're saying You're bigger than the people Who just like, ooh, like, oh, yeah. I like it on Instagram. I'll really swing the bat right here. But not really because you're just texting. But I think she will, I mean, anyone would want the public liking as well. Yeah, I don't do it a lot, but if something's really good on Instagram, if a girl looks

really good in a picture, I'll text. Oh, pictures of her. I assume you mean pictures of her dog or something. It's a picture of a tree. I'm just gonna scroll past it. I liked your tree photo. Heart for eyes emoji. Is that a spruce?

Because it looked like a spruce to me. No, it wasn't. Okay, cool. Birch then? Elm? Then you like it on Instagram. Am I getting warm? You like it and dislike it 40 times so she gets the notification on her phone. Sorry, I'm freaking out over here. I had a thing last night where someone posted a tweet that I thought was really funny

and then I tried to like it or retweet it, I can't remember, and it was unavailable. They deleted it in that brief period of time and I took a screencap of the tweet to have it and I was going to text them and be like hey just so you know I like that tweet you didn't have to delete that was it a girl?

it was a girl but not a girl it's a girl that has a boyfriend so it wasn't a sexual thing it's always a sexual thing you gotta lay the groundwork man cause that relationship is gonna come crumbling down you lay pipe till you've done the groundwork you lay the groundwork then You lay the groundwork, then you lay the pipe.

What? You lay the groundwork, then you lay the pipe. I think it's one of the opening quotes from the episode of The Wire, the one they put in text. It fades in and then it fades out. Don't come at the king unless you the king. Boaty. Honk.

Boaty. You know who's on The Walking Dead? I just started watching The Walking Dead. Oh, yeah. There's two people. Cuddy is on it. Yeah, Cuddy's been on it since last season. But also, now on it is, what's his face?

Yeah, I'm trying to remember now, too. Where's Wallace? Yeah, where's Wallace? What's his name? D'Angelo. D'Angelo. We never did the Where's Waldo? Where's Wallace string?

Where's Waldo hardly working? Oh, that's funny. Where's Waldo at? Where's Waldo string? Where the fuck's Waldo at? Yeah That's funny. Where's Waldo at? Where's Waldo, String? Where the fuck's Waldo at? Yeah, the shot for shot remake. Oh, yeah. We haven't done one of those in a while.

Yeah. Those were kind of cool. All right. They were cool. I would love to do another one. Are we still recording? We're just eating brunch now. Sorry.

You're bringing me into a rabbit hole of actual career stuff. Did we answer this person's question? I don't think we did, actually. And here's how I'm going to do it. I think you just have to be confident and open. As a girl, especially here at this school where you're surrounded by guys and you're one of the few girls, which is why I imagine you're saying it's like shooting fish in a barrel, you just have to don't seem closed off.

And, I mean, feel totally cool going up and saying hey to a guy. It doesn't mean uh it's not like a huge risk to just say hi you can be friends because you know what if I was at that school I'd be like I don't want to talk to these girls because I need to I don't want to be like one of the 30 guys that comes up to them like that's that's not that's not going to make me feel good I don't want to feel like one of the 50 guys who are ogling over yes you know what you're like everybody's probably looking at you go up and talk to somebody also of course you're rusty you're just getting out of a relationship so just keep on practicing keep on flirting and then you're like everybody's probably looking at you go up and talk to somebody also of course you're rusty you're just getting out of a relationship so just keep on practicing keep

on flirting and then you're gonna get more confident you're gonna get better that depends are you like a five or a seven she's a seven she could stand to lose some weight like that right you fucking monster oh god that guy already the guy already broke up with her is the guy from the first question i agree with jake yeah i think that you know, it sounds like you're in, you know, just. Go for it. All these engineering students, they're going to want. Yeah. Or at the very least, like their photo on Instagram.

That way it sort of lays the pipework. Is that what you said? Lay the groundwork. Lay the groundwork. And then you can lay the pipe. And then you get the pipe laid. Okay. Heh.

Heh. We should call this episode, heh. Episode 30. Heh. With Pat Castles. Should we take a break or should we just go on to the last question we've only answered two so i feel like we haven't really necessarily earned a break how many do you do in total we usually do between three and five but uh so we're halfway through but the problem is we don't like to go over much over 40 to 50 minutes we're already

around the 40 minute mark oh wow so let's just answer one last question but break and then answer or just go into it i could do a break because i have to pee oh no this isn't a real break but you can go pee and me jake could talk we're gonna keep we just keep talking through the break we just sort of mentally i'm not i wouldn't i don't expect you guys enough to leave you dick he's taking a stand I didn't know I didn't know You guys weren't clear He's running a marathon Yeah What's up to you I We wanted to talk about

Comic Con or something Oh yeah Oh Comic Con yeah You went to Comic Con As you guys did as well Yeah How did you like Comic Con I

I liked it It was But my This year Was the briefest I've ever been there In many years. Three days.

Three full up to the Javits Center. Camped out for the Thor the Dark World panel. Saw Chris Hemsworth as he was coming in. I shit you not. He was wearing. I grabbed his ankle and I held on for a full two minutes before I was wrestled away by security. He was chowing down on an Energy Kitchen burger wearing an Under Armour t-shirt.

I'm not making this up. I'm not. Energy Kitchen burger. I went for the show. I did a show. I co-hosted a show with Owen Parsons. And then I kind of left after that. And the next two days I went home.

So I gave my pass away. That's beautiful. Yeah. We also did the same thing yeah who'd you give your passes to uh our sweethearts actually yeah we gave our passes to our sweethearts we met them at the comic oh wow yeah you years was we pinned them a female inuyasha and you were a batwoman batwoman yeah is batwoman a thing isn't it just catwoman i believe batwoman is a recent more recent character but i do believe there's a batwoman i i will be corrected on this i'm sure if i'm wrong but yeah no no we'll be

corrected you won't get these emails but we'll get the 30 000 emails that i'll take well i we we on this podcast unequivocally say there is a batwoman me jake and amir all agree batwoman does exist also val killer was the best Batman. What do you think is a better Halloween costume for me? Velma or Ned Flanders? I mean, I'm going to sigh, so... Don't take my opinion. Ned Flanders would be great for you. You should definitely do that.

All I need is to... Because he has glasses. All I need is a mustache. Ned Flanders is a dope costume. Would I have to face paint yellow? I don't think you should. I don't like... Last year, Dave Rosenberg was

March Simpson. It was so funny. He got play that night, I think. He did. Didn't he dye his pubes blue? He had just fucked a pie. That's what it was. What's your bold move?

I would love for you to be velma i think that i think there would be nothing better than that velma i just need the wig it's so funny cross-dressing i thought of going as tina last year and then i decided against it tina fey from bob's burgers uh i went as actually i actually don't have a costume lined up i was gonna go as neo but then the costume i wound up buying was crappy so that's out the window so crappy you couldn't even be blurred lines i if any girls are willing to be the miley to my robin thick for my blurred lines i bet a lot of girls would especially now that you say it on this podcast i bet a lot of kids costume of the brooch to your girlfriend like baby couple's costume

blurred line actually this is a perfect perfect segue to our last question of the day. You guys want to get into it? Let's do it. Give me one more dude's name. Tyrell. Tyrell writes, hey guys, long time fan, but I've run into a bit of trouble. So I'm at college out of state and my girlfriend of a year is still back at home. Halloween's coming up and the girl I've met here wants to do a couple's costume. My girlfriend doesn't want me to do it because she thinks it's cheating, but I think it would

just be fun. I'm pretty sure she'd never find out if I did it, but if she did, she'd be super pissed at me. What should I do? P.S. Go Bills. Go Bills. It's not cheating. Let's just be clear about that right off the bat. I think it is a little bit of an emotional cheat. It's not, well, that's different. It's not cheating. It's not physically

cheating. What does this girlfriend think, like, oh, yeah, if you, like, watch TV, if you look at girls, that's cheating. Well, looking at girls is one thing, but a couple's costume is an emotional cheat. It's not a cheat. It's an emotional cheat. I completely disagree. It really is an emotional cheat. Well, what's the costume?

It's very intimate. That's an important aspect. Oh, it's two Siamese twins 69ing. It's two girls, one cup. He's the cup. It's two people intertwined in an erotic tangle it's the john lennon yoko ono poster uh god i don't know i think maybe i'm a little more on amir's side like i just it's it's my by definition it's a couple's costume like yeah the word couple is right in there yeah but like

would you be down if your girlfriend wanted to be a couples costume with another dude? Yeah. That's because I'm a super chill dude. That's because I've never liked anyone. No, I think... First of all, I don't think he should

even have a girlfriend. That's a different question. That's because you don't think anyone can have a girlfriend because once again, you've never liked anybody. I don't believe in monogamy. I don't believe in love. So you're saying

couples' costume, it's just a fun thing. There's nothing romantic or even flirtatious about it? Yeah. I mean, if he wants to do it and his girlfriend is saying he can't and she's dampening

his college experience, then he should just break up with his girlfriend and do it. And follow up, if you want to do it up with his girlfriend and do it and and follow up if you want to do it if you want to do it but you don't want to upset your girlfriend why don't you suggest to this girl a bigger group costume rather than a couple's costume because then you can be like a whole crew of friends are going out as like the avengers or something you know like then you can do you still have like the camaraderie, but you don't have to upset your girlfriend.

But then other people are, I mean, to me, this is, God, it's just sad. Maybe I'm being cynical. No, a group costume means like you cheated on her in an orgy. How dare you actually. This unreasonable girlfriend. Everything is cheating. Even if you dress up as Neo from the Matrix, you're just dressed up as someone who doesn't have a girlfriend, so you're acting single.

Then I'm not even in reality. I'm in a computer simulation. I can do whatever I want. I'm not really cheating on you. I'm cheating on a bunch of ones and zeros. She just thinks Halloween is real. What, you're going to just dress up as someone and be them? Holy crap.

I'm dating the wolf man? You're half wolf and you never told me? Fuck me. This sucks. This is incredible. This happens to me every Halloween. Yeah, I don't know. That group, that's good advice, man.

You give good advice. I appreciate that. Have you thought about starting a podcast? To me, there's this, even with, I guess now I'm just like, this is a guy right that wrote this yeah yeah there's almost this subtext of like he probably kind of likes this girl right yeah i don't like it is inherently flirty so in the group costumes kind of diluting that then

you have a bunch of jabronis i could this is approaching on your intimate level and i bet i bet he just started school just met this girl she wants to be in a couple's costume with him he's already regretting the relationship. The thing is, yeah, it is flirty. I think your girlfriend should get over it, though, because it's your time to have fun and do this kind of thing. But if she's not going to, then I think, and if you like this girl at all, then I mean, shit,

you guys are young. You guys should have this college experience. Yeah, you just want that. I feel like in college, if you liked a girl you would just have to like turn into like the terminator and just be like i'm not leaving your side but you're it's a little creepy i guess but you have to be like i'll you know i really want to hang out with you i really want to make a mental connection with you in the next four hours so you don't forget about me tomorrow yeah am i was i not talking to the microphone you were but not as much as you could have been.

Sorry. Am I ruining audio-wise? I feel like I've been hovering there. No, you've been good so far. I was just, yeah. I was thinking about that. Cool. I hear it.

I'm back. I'm back. Your eyes started bleeding. Anyway. But yeah. I'm so curious what the couple's costume is. I wish they had that detail. I bet I can email and then maybe

Nah he's not going to get back to me in time In the next two seconds before we end this podcast Hey dude Well this is just another reason to break up with your girlfriend If you go to college and they don't Yeah One day we're going to meet some Some really totally pleasant

18 or 19 year old one day And they're going to be hey, you're an asshole. You convinced my boyfriend to dump me. You convinced my girlfriend to dump me. It's sort of brash when we just tell young kids in love to break up and hook up with other people in college.

But it is fun. I mean, I don't know. I sense in you, Jake, there's a genuine attempt to want to help. I sense in you, Fuck. I think we're making a... I sense in you, Jake, there's a genuine attempt to want to help, you know? I sense in you, Jake. I sense the force is strong with you. Oh, my God. His hands are sticky.

Always sticky. Always sticky, never icky nature box. What's your bold move? Hashtag, remember the bold girls will be at McGillicuddy's from 4 a.m to 7 a.m giving out coors lights shaking their boulder holders are you bold whoa oh that's my phone sorry who is it sorry is that the ring that's it's smooth jazz you pin it's because he only gets calls from debt collectors it's like i just like it stresses me out i need to calm down hey baby hey pat yeah you still owe

us 2900 in back taxes all right very cool i'm feeling good uh it's actually the theme song from hill street blues which is an 80s cop show. You're right, it is smooth jazz, technically speaking. I believe that was the sub-letter in Los Angeles that I'm having problems with right now. I am going through some shit, so I really appreciate being on the show.

My credit. Anything you want to plug, Pat? Just, I need a place to crash when I'm in LA. Would love just a Holiday Inn Express. If anybody's listening from a double tree or some shit, I know you guys are never at full capacity. There's a manager, there's a clerk, whatever, the valet. If you get a discount, hook me up.

My life is just a shake it up snow globe right now. All right, we are more than out of time, actually. More than. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. Yes, and where should we direct people to go if they want to hear more Pat or get more of your stuff?

Follow me on Twitter. It's Patrick underscore Castles. Why? Why underscore? Some Scottish dude is Patrick Castles. Wow. Underscore. I've been told I can, like, if I want to, like, write to Twitter,

I can, like, maybe make a case. But I don't know. I'm fine. I feel like If I want to like Write to Twitter I can like Maybe make a case But I don't know I'm fine I feel like I'm I You know So that Also collegehumor.com

Where I work Just some real brief housekeeping With that email again If you wanted to Email us and ask your own questions That we can get to Is ifireyoushow At gmail.com

We're still accepting Reviewing And taking in User theme song submissions That first one was from a guy Named K-N-O-F-L-E. Knopfle? Knopfle.

And we are still giving out shout-outs to people who are reviewing our show on iTunes. It really helps us out. So thank you so much, Ethan Poo, Courtney Estelle, Sparkles1317, Maddie JJJ, and Perk6608 for leaving a good review on our page. You're the best.

Huh? You're not even happy when you do it. No, it's like a weird tick that I can't help. There are still some tickets available left for our show,

our live show. But not a lot, so get them now. Yeah, yeah, it's at Littlefield in Brooklyn on November 6th.

Actually, you should buy a ticket, man. I really would appreciate it. I don't think I'll be, I think I'll be in LA at that point. I know,

we don't need you to come. We just need a little, little boost of good, little ticket sales. I'll just give you like, I'll just give, how much is it? No, you to come We just need a little boost of good Little ticket sales How much is it? No it has to be through the site It really does have to be through the site Except $7 right now

Cash Wow you guys are leaning in on me This whole podcast is extortion I think It's not even plugged in I would love to go to that I'm sorry I can't Oh no it's okay I will be out of town

Maybe we'll do one in LA Hopefully we'll do one in LA I'm trying to remember who Oh no it's okay I will be out of town I really want to go Maybe we'll do one in LA Hopefully we'll do one in LA That'd be awesome I'm trying to remember Oh yeah And the last theme song Our outro theme song today Is from a guy named Garrett

So yeah Thanks for listening To this episode Episode 30 Hell yeah Who would have thought We would have got here And to be here with you Pat

I'm honored It really is uneventful Okay wow No thanks for coming on. You are definitely... Guys, please rank the guests. I would love to know where you guys think Pat stacks. Oh, shit.

It's 30 episodes old, so now it's like... It's not ready for kids, but it wants a dog. Just like Jake. There we go. Yeah, enjoy the rest of your day. I don't know. I don't know how to end this yet. You always say enjoy.

Yeah, I hope you enjoyed. Yeah don't know how to end this yet. You always say enjoy. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed. Yeah, there you go. Later. Peace. Ha! Our clouds just won't go away Take a load off with J&A Send white people problems their way Promise it'll be hashtag dope Unless you're a dick then it hashtag won't

If you got 99 problems And bitches are all of them Unless it's about STDs.