Segments - 300: A Celebration (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

Friend, comedian, lover Ben Schwartz joins us to celebrate our 300th episode by discussing chipmunks, how to be funny, and his new book!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters. Yeah, visionlifters with a Z.

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so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial thank you Squarespace. I need to pick up Game Boy. So get this dime piece. Season cheese like Damon every time. Please help before I kill myself in this Starbucks. Just two years after I made you into a blind.

I finally got to email you at gmail.com. And break, take, and immoral soon reply. Where are these divas, Koi? Yeah. Tom DeLonge himself. How did you rate that Tom DeLonge impression? It was a little heavy-handed for the I Miss You version of Tom DeLonge. He's a little more subdued.

That felt like a little Cheshire Cat Tom DeLonge, but I still loved it. Ben? Thoughts? Can I interrupt for a second? You interrupt. We had a three-second break. There was silence. You didn't say anything.

May I? Yeah. May I interrupt? Then I said your name and you didn't say anything. Can I ask you a question? Sure. What's it about? What is it about? What's it all about?

Why are we here? What are we doing with our lives? That song was by... Actually, his name is mark oddly enough oh yeah mark hop is doing a tom delong impression that's pretty fun i'd pay a lot of money to see that well i wouldn't pay a lot for that muffler can i ask a question real quick one second i just had to uh yes yes you have credit to the uh tell me when i can talk okay sure uh yes you have the credit uh fully involved music dot bandcamp.com. You made an album.

You can listen to the whole thing there. All right. You had a question for us. What's your favorite video game of all time? Sonic the Hedgehog. No, it's not. Yeah. Oh, man.

I got to tell you something. Why? I can't tell you. Why? Because I think it'll turn you on. Really? Yeah. Is it about tails?

Mimi, do you play video games? I used to growing up. I got into GoldenEye a lot. Tony Hawk. Did you ever play NBA Live? Yeah. Is it about tails? Do you play video games? I used to growing up. I got into GoldenEye a lot, Tony Hawk. Did you ever play NBA Live? Yeah. I played NBA Live 95 a lot in NBA Jam. Oh, great one. NBA Live 95 was a great one.

It was the first one where the perspective of the court was diagonal. Correct. Yeah. So that was a big moment for basketball video game history. Remember Arch Rivals? No, what's Arch Rivals? It was sort of the predecessor, the spiritual prequel to NBA Jam.

So it was like basketball, but there was like banana peels on the court. Really? Anyway, this is episode 300 of our podcast. It's called If I Were You. Thanks, Jake, for caring about other people. Because it's rude to be like, yes, that's a question.

It is very rude. It's rude, yeah. That's like literally being like, the waiter coming over, what would you like? And you're like, I'd like a chicken parmesan, and that'll be all goodbye.

What about me? What do I want? It's rude, because I'd like a chicken parmesan and that'll be all goodbye. Yeah. What about me? What do I want? It's rude because I feel like a little bit of trying to hijack the podcast before even I'm not. But also that's not how an interaction with the waiter. That's like a. Okay.

You play. That's just like a bad example. You play the person. I'll play the waiter. The what? Okay. What can I get you guys today? This is already.

I feel so good right now. I'll have a chicken sandwich and a side salad and a Diet Coke, please. Okay. What type of bread would you like? What are we doing? What is this? Whole wheat. Thank you. Okay. All right. Take care. Thanks. sandwich and a side salad and a diet coke please okay what type of uh what are we doing what is this thank you okay all right take care thanks was that worth it was it good to say that before we introduced the show big episode 300 but sorry but ben you feel like the interaction should go

more more like it doesn't matter chicken salad sandwich what do you want now we're getting to them now we're getting into the notes the waiter would the waiter be like what do you want? Now we're getting into the notes. The waiter would, would the waiter be like, what do you want? The waiter says, what do you want? And then I say what I want. What waiter are you talking about?

It can be any waiter. It's not the point of waiters. When does this come out? What date does this come out? This will be episode 300. So sometime in late October, early November.

Whoa, early November. And the sweet November rain. Sing the guitar solo on that, Jake. Sweet November Rain. Yeah, go. Well, it's not called Sweet November Rain. It's called November Rain. Correct.

And the guitar goes. Do you remember it? It's hard to just do the solos. Yeah, yeah. A bit of it, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit. So just say that you don't remember it. Yeah, but I just wanted to. I do know a guitar riff.

That's a guitar riff. Yeah. Okay, but do that one. November Rain, it's No. No, of course not. So, Amir. Yeah, November 7th. This is coming out November 7th? Yeah, we should

say that we're recording this in early June of 2016. Yeah, it's early June 2016, all of our schedules finally worked out. Yeah. We're gonna release this in early June of 2016. Yeah, it's early June 2016. All of our schedules finally worked out. Yeah. We're going to release this in early November of next year. You guys think Trump

can actually win the election? No way. That's insane. November 6th, actually. Actually, November 6th might be the one year anniversary of Trump winning the election.

Wow. Isn't it? November 7th or 8th? Do you guys talk a lot about Trump? Not a lot, but it comes up. All of our listeners are a bunch of snowflakes, if you can imagine.

Yeah, we don't want to insult the cucks. What's wrong? I'm just thinking about something, but I don't know if I'm allowed to ask you guys some questions. What do you mean? You can ask. Well, no, we should get to the podcast. Okay, basically how it works is this is an advice show. I'll explain it.

This is how it works. Jake usually says something real funny, then Am retorts uh and plays like a weird character jake usually plays like the straight man and then like after a while like thinking of the uh the the youtube show the youtube show the web series is that the one where you look like a chipmunk no that's it's just every day that's every day chipmunk with glasses i call him i call him intellectual chipmunk yeah because now that he has gray hair it's sort of of like he's like a wise chipmunk. Oh, good. Let's really concentrate on his flaws.

And for me, it's like, you know? What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. The whole time when you're looking at me. Right, yeah. It's like, by the way, it's even cooler that we all think you're a chipmunk because by the way, everybody listening.

I never said that. What do you mean we all do? I didn't say anything. You don't get to choose what other people, that's so mean. What I think or how I view things shouldn't be defined by what you are doing or saying. Yeah.

Okay? So for me, you look like a chipmunk. And then for me, it's a big deal because that means like a chipmunk is able to stand and walk. So even you walking is huge for me. Inspiring. Thank you, Jakey. When I walk...

You should be happy. Thank you, Jakey. You should be happy more. When I walk... You should be happy more. I'm going to give you a scenario. You tell me how you react to it. All right, sure.

You're walking out of bed and you stub your toe. Okay. I'm angry to give you a scenario. You tell me how you react to it. All right, sure. You're walking out of bed, and you stub your toe. Okay. I'm angry, upset, frustrated, and in pain. Of course you are. Watch this. Jake, you walk out of bed, you stub your toe. I think it's amazing. There's a walking, talking chipmunk in the world.

What the fuck is going on? How can I be upset? That's great. That's how you'd actually react? Yeah. I get it. I get it. And that, by the way, is the correct answer.

What a time we live in. Should we do one more? Yeah. Okay, we go down. Yeah. We go down the store. We go to Barnes & Noble. Yeah. And your foot gets caught in the escalator. That's okay. Okay. Your hairy foot gets caught in the escalator. It's not a hairy foot.

Yeah, your claw-like foot. It's not. And then it goes underneath. Yeah. And then it pulls your whole foot off. Okay. So you just have a skeleton foot. Okay. And then it pulls your whole Foot off So you just have a skeleton foot And then you get it out You can still walk on it Don't be a weirdo

What do you say? What do I say or what do I think you want me to say? What do you say? I would say is fuck my foot is falling off And it hurts a lot What you want me to say is this is fine Because I can walk and talk like a fucking chipmunk Jake what would you do? What do you think

is correct? I lost my foot in the elevator. I say hey, silver linings here. There's a fucking woodland creature out there. That's correct. That can think and talk and hope and dream like the rest of us. Are you guys ticklish? No. A little. Maybe today's the day we find out. Alright, so how this podcast

works is people write us. I'll explain it. Jake gets on top of Amir's shoulders. They play a totem pole bird thing where they try to push each other. And whoever wins, Wilford Brimley's the winner. Whoever wins, Wilford Brimley's the winner. I think I'm very tired.

To be fair, by this time our movie probably has come out, right? Our what? Our movie that we're writing has come out right Our what Our movie that we're writing Has come out You think the movie That we're currently writing Will be out in theaters

Early November Yeah this is a month Yeah It's actually November 6th Is when it comes out It's the Monday this comes out Episode 300 Big episode of our show

Can't wait to answer Some questions Can you give everybody Who is episode number one Episode number one Was just us two Just you guys Yeah

Who was the first guest You ever had Ricky Van Veen. Yeah. Wow, second guest. Maybe Streeter? It wasn't me? I don't know, was it?

You were living in LA. I don't think we had you on until we moved to LA. Okay, 100th guest? You were the guest for episode 100 and 200. 100 and 200. Those were the only times I ever did it? No, you didn't. Remember when someone was sick and you came in and we just listened to Ariana Grande?

Yeah, Jake was sick. No, no, Jake was out of town. I was sick. I came in and we just listened to Ariana Grande? Yeah, Jake was sick. No, no, Jake was out of town. I was sick. I came to your house. And I hated it. And by the way, nobody can tell when someone's sick

better than you can. Oh, I know. I can sense it in a fucking, I can sense it in a heartbeat. I'm like, hey, dude.

You're sick. What a bummer, you're sick. What a bummer, dude. Don't touch me. Disgusting. Don't touch me. Be, be, be, bummer you're sick. What a bummer, dude him a normal name. Yeah, just give him a normal name. I stopped saying it. Yeah. It's going to be an easy normal name. Sure. Okay.

His name is Clint. Okay. That's fine. That's great. We don't even need a last name. Wait, wait, wait. He's got a last name. Do you want to hear it? I don't really actually want to hear it, but if you have it and if it's on hand. Are you sure? If it's easy and you actually know it right now, then just say it. I know it. Okay.

Just say it if it's a normal name. Instead of saying I know it, you could have just said it. Right. Because you guys interrupted me. Let's just use Clint. Nope. First name it if it's a normal name. Instead of saying I know it, you could have just said it. Right. Because you guys keep interrupting me. Let's just use Clint. Nope. First name is Clint. We're halfway there. Last name is?

Last name is an easy one. All right. Let's hear it. It's a normal one. Okay. Good. Easy, normal. That's all we need to know.

Yeah. Just a normal person. You guys can almost think of it, but I'll give it to you. You don't know it. I do know it. What is it? Puertofoot. What's that?

Puertofoot. The two things you said was that it was easy and normal. You said it twice and I can't even understand what you were saying. Puertofoot. Puertofoot. P-O-E-R-T-O-N-S-F-U-L-A-T. We'll never spell it. We'll never spell it. Well, maybe someone make a t-shirt out of it.

Where's shirt? Puertofoot. Puertofoot. Hello, my name is Clint Puerta Fut. It's so hot in here. I can't even tell you. The fact that you guys do comedy in this hot room is insane to me. All right, ready?

Clint writes, the other night, my girlfriend, of one year's bathroom was flooded, and as we were cleaning up the mess, we came across a box of old condoms, presumably from one of her ex-boyfriends. She asked me if I wanted to use them, and after checking the expiration date, I said, sure, why not? However, the condoms are large-sized. Now, I'm comfortable with my dong, and I'm not too concerned that she may have had well-endowed lovers in the past,

but having never used large condoms before, I thought, what if she tries to put one on me, and it hangs loose like a windsock on my measly peen? Seeing the opportunity to save face when she left the room, I smuggled the condoms out of her sex drawer to try one on in the comfort of my own home and I gave it the old college go and what do you know, they fit like a charm. Now, humble brag aside, how do I proceed? Do I smuggle the condoms back into her drawer and say nothing? What if she consciously avoids using the larger condoms, thinking that she might shame me,

should they hang limp on my noodle? Should I proudly toss them back to her, declaring my girth but revealing my prior insecurities? Do I keep them at my house and hope she never notices that mysterious absence of the large sized condoms? If she does notice, might she think that I threw them away out of shame? Please help. My unsheathed wiener needs your guidance. Yours truly, Clint Portafoot.

Okay. Clint... Well, this is an easy one. First of all, the answer is stop asking so many goddamn questions. No, that's true. That's all. I mean, the email ended halfway there.

Yeah. And then he kept going. So, just to recap, a gentleman goes to His girlfriend's house For a year He says We don't have any

She says You don't have any condoms You know what Can we use my Boyfriend's ex ones And he sees him And he's not sure Then he takes the condoms

Back home He gets erect He puts it on Just to test it out Fits like a glove So now he's deciding Whether he brings them back And says yeah let's try them

Or tells her what She doesn't know He stole them correct Yeah that's correct Okay we're on the same page. It seems to me that the point that he's missing is that if his girlfriend suggested using them, she knows that he has a big enough dick to fit them.

Or they may not have had any of the condoms. What's that? They could have had no other condoms. That could be the only choice, that or pregnancy. Yeah, but I mean, like, he's worried that she thinks... He's worried that she might think the condoms are too big, but she's the one that suggested using them. Yeah, but maybe she's wrong.

Maybe he'll look... But I understand what you're saying. How often do you wear a condom when you have sex? Never. You really don't, ever, right? No, but I'm in... That's insane to me. I have a fiancé. I started talking about my fiancé on the show. Oh, nice. Congrats.

Do we say your name or no? I don't know if I remember his name. We don't have to. We don't have to. Anyway, I'm sure you... Whatever. But yeah. Congrats, Gaga.

But also, shout out to my... Isn't it Lady Gaga? What? Isn't her... Oh, Jake's fiancé. Yeah, it's Lady Gaga. I have a friend named Presley who really tore into me this weekend for advocating that people don't wear condoms. It's terrible.

You always wear a condom. You have a friend named Presley? No, he lied about the name. Okay, I see. That makes sense. Shout out Dr. P. And it's not her name. Dr. P?

She's a doctor. She is your doctor? No, she's not my doctor. She's a doctor. This has so many holes in it. Just say it's you. Just say She's a doctor She is your doctor No it's not my doctor She's a doctor This has so many holes in it Just say it's you Just say it's you Did I know a person

That impressed me Who's a doctor? No way is that true Of course it's true You said Dr. P Like that was her last name I don't have her number Oh really?

How good of a friend I can do a really good shaggy You wanna hear? Alright I don't know scoops that's pretty good it is really good I do a lot of voiceover

we're talking about like if teenagers and people in your relationship should use condoms tell us about your book oh by the way my book covers all this stuff I wrote a book

with my friend Laura Moses called Things You Should Already Know About Dating and is it out already? you fucking idiot it's out already when is it out? where can people get it?

you can get it at Barnes & Noble it's on that new arrivals thing I want to get that I really want to get that tell me about what it's about again what is it get it you can get it at Barnes and Noble it's on that new arrivals thing I want to get that I really want to get that tell me about what it's about again what is it about

maybe Urban Outfitters I would love to read things you should already know about dating you fucking idiot you sent it to us I should have read it already but I haven't yet

oh you will I just gave it two minutes ago awesome wait I have her number call her I can't call her then she's not real

she eats anyway Amir do you trust me enough to give me your phone and I call anybody I want put's not real. She eats. Anyway. Amir, do you trust me enough to give me your phone and I call anybody I want, put them on speakerphone, put them on podcast? Of course not. I trust you enough to know that you would do it, and I don't want you to do it. Well, let me tell you, Jake's not a liar, so I believe him. You think he's friends with a Dr. Presley?

No, absolutely not, but I think a back-end talker. I am lying about that, but in general, I don't ever lie. See? You are lying, though, right? No, that not. But I think I'm back to total. I am lying about that. But in general, I don't ever lie. See? You are lying though, right? No, that's real. She told me to stop saying that people shouldn't wear condoms on the podcast. Of course not. And I never said they shouldn't. I just said that I don't.

Yeah, but people... Don't emulate me. If they listen to this podcast, they're probably a fan of yours and maybe some of them look up to you. So the fact that you're saying do something that's not right. What happens if you got someone pregnant or gave somebody an STD because you gave advice to not wear a condom? I didn't give advice to...

Okay, I'm going to ask you a question and you answer it honestly. Do as I say, not as I do. Okay, go ahead. Do as I say, not as I do. That's a saying. Yeah. Do you prefer wearing condoms or not? No. I don't prefer wearing condoms. What percent of the time before you had a fiance were you wearing condoms or not? No. I don't prefer wearing condoms. What percent of the time before you had a fiance were you wearing condoms? 25%.

That's crazy. Probably lower. Amir, have you had sex? Even when you're not having sex. 25% of the day. I was wearing a condom. So I guess way less. If we're talking about percentage of my life. I don't know.

0.1? Amir live have you had sex yet i'm not at sex yet but i am wearing a condom and i do wear a condom just 50 to 75 percent just your fur like when you have uh you'll obviously have big old acorns in your cheeks probably when you're having sex and so when you're having sex like that and you know you have was that sorry was that a metaphor no you're talking about i actually have not saying that yeah because like what we're just like when you're the chipmunks yeah you'll have a snack of nuts and you'll store some i will not i will not cheeks so you can when will i ever throughout the day you think during sex i'll put i'll put two acorns in my puppy little you'll just

have it from earlier is what he said. No way. That's insane. Why is that no way? I would never stuff acorns in my cheeks, let alone... You're going to starve, dude. I'm not going to starve. I'm a human. It's winter. It doesn't matter what month it is.

Where do you hide the nuts? I don't hide nuts. Oh, that's a good question. No, it's not a good question. It is a good question. Because I'm not a chipmunk. I'm not an actual chipmunk. Say one thing that'll show Jake and I are not a chipmunk.

I was born to twomunk. I'm not an actual chipmunk. Say one thing that'll show Jake and I are not a chipmunk. I was born to two human parents. Right. Such a chipmunk thing to say. It's amazing that they had a chipmunk. Even saying... They're a little miracle that you were. Anything is a human thing to say, because only humans say. Animals don't say.

That is so fucked up. That is so messed up. Why? You don't think animals talk to each other? That was... He was doing a Scooby-Doo thing before. Two seconds ago, you heard me playing a dog. That was cartoon.

I don't know. That was cartoon. Hartoon. All right, so I would say the following. Yeah. If those condoms will probably fit anybody as they go real... Don't they... Won't they like... He wants to know if he should put the condoms will probably fit anybody as they go real... Don't they... Won't they, like...

He wants to know if he should put the condoms back. Yes. Yeah, put the condoms back. Secretly. Secretly. By the way, she knows that you have her condoms. You think so? Yeah, I think so.

How long have you had them? Two weeks. I mean... Is this you? No. As long as... No, I don't think she would know, like, because she's not cheating on him. Or is she?

Whoa. That's a whole other can of worms. He's not asking about that. she's not cheating on him. Or is she? Whoa. That's a whole other can of worms. He's not asking about that. He's not concerned about that. Of course. I would say stick to what you know unless the other ones are uncomfortable. Yeah, and sneak them back.

Sneak them back? Sneak them back. I think sneak them back. Don't use them unless you feel like you need them. Is it painful when you have sex? Does it leave a very hard ring around your penis? Yes. Does it feel like a suction-y feeling? Oh, you're asking you need them. Is it painful when you have sex? Does it leave a very hard ring around your penis? Yes. Does it feel like a suction-y feeling? Oh, you're asking him?

No. What do you think? You got a big dick, right? It's not big, but it's well, well, well above average. It's probably 99th percentile. You got an eight-foot dick? It doesn't have to be big. It's not an eight-foot dick,

but it's probably like a three-foot dick. Three-foot dick is huge You said it wasn't big 36 inches I said it wasn't gigantic That's huge I said it was well above average Yeah

I think he's talking about like Proportionally to the tiny chipmunk body Oh No it's not I did not mean that A human sized dick Okay so that makes sense So that's like a regular human sized penis

A human sized penis But on a chipmunk That's funny It'd be funny to see you naked, I feel like. Do you ever listen to music when you have sex? Yes. Do you? Yeah.

Still? I mean, there's music playing, but I'm not listening to it. Does that count? No, I like to listen to the words. Of the music? I like to learn new music, yeah. Learn about, like discover new songs while you're having sex? Well, I have this doctor friend, Dr.

Presley. Presley. Yeah. And she likes to learn her lines for auditions while you're having sex? Well, I have this doctor friend, Dr. Presley. Presley? Yeah. And she likes to learn her lines for auditions while she's having sex. She's a doctor. She's not an actress. So she'll listen,

because she plays a doctor on TV. So she will listen to those lines and recite the lines while they're having sex or whatever. I don't know. It's just another manic Monday. I make up new songs when I'm fucking. Do you really?

I'll do like freestyle. Let me hear the last one you made up. Go. Yo, my name is Jake. This is during sex. I'm going to make you cum in a major way. Ben is beatboxing for you while you're having sex. Bend over the table.

Bend over the chair. What? Come over here and I'll get you there. Sounds like that. Does your mom listen to the podcast still? Yeah, she listens to it every once in a while. She should turn it off. Tell your mom to say hi.

Mom, Ben says hi. Turn off the podcast. Didn't I get the Simpsons thing once? You did. Yeah, it was a big deal for my father. We grew up watching Simpsons. You sent him a copy of the episode. Let me tell you something.

Yeah. If I can just reach one person. Okay. Who would it be? Jake's dad. I feel like I've reached everybody. What? If you reached one person, you would feel like you reached everybody?

Not just one person, my dad. Yeah. If you reached Jake's dad, you would feel like you reached everybody? What is your suggestion for this man? I would sneak him back and hope that she didn't notice that you stole him because that's a weird can of worms that you're opening up.

You shouldn't have stolen him, by the way. And by the way, if you want to do it, you steal one. Why would you steal all of them? Yeah, you should have

stolen one. What are you doing? That's crazy. Do you have a lady's name for this next lady question? You keep asking me about all I have is normal names.

Does it have to be unique or normal name is fine? It could be normal. I never said unique. I never said unique. What we wanted is like fast. Diane. Diane. That's great. You want that last name? No, we don't need that last name.

You're going to want it. I got it in the barrel. Let's hear it. It's an easy one. 3, 2, 1, shoot. Diane what? 3, 6, count off. 3, 2, 1. And I'll say the last name. Yeah, say Diane and then the last name. Diane. Yep. Count off. Three, two, one. And I'll say the last name. Yeah, say Diane and then the last name. Diane. Yep. Count down. Yep, three, two, one. And now

I'll hit you off with the last name. It's gonna happen when we say three, two, one next time. Ready? Three, two, one. Diane. Yes, Diane. Yeah, that much we knew. And then the last name is just as normal as the first name. Okay, that's fine. So I'll come up with it. It's Smith. No, it's not. That's a stupid name.

Pillowman. What? Okay. Diane that's a stupid name Pillowman What? Diane Pillowman P-I-L-L-O-W-M-A-I-N Pillowman Pillowman Pillowman Pillowman is a great one Diane Pillowman

Not Pillowman, right? You guys want to know her last name? You already said it. That's her middle name. Do you want to know her last name or no? Pillowmane was her middle name? Pillowmane is her middle name.

Her last name is back to simple. It's like Diane-ish. I know Pillowmane's a little bit weird. Yes, it's very weird. Okay, calm down. I am calm. Do you want to know her last name? We said we didn't need her. Yeah. Okay, count down.

Three, two, one. Diane. I hate it. First name. Pellomaine. Okay. Whatever you say next after three, two, one will be your last name, so let's hear it. Smith.

It's... Fine. Hyphen? No. Her last name is... Hyphen? Yeah. Her last name is Smith. Hyphen? Yeah. Okay.

Diane Pillowmane Smith. Hyphen. Hydrangeous. What? Hydrangeous. Hydrangeous. So say her full name. Diane Pillowmane Smith Hydrangeous.

Rights. Pop it on a shirt. So I met a guy and I fell for him. Who did? Diane. Keep going. Pillar main. And?

Smith. Hyphen. Hydrangeous. Hydrangeous. I met this guy and I fell for him hard. We have the same interests, the same sense of humor, and even the same obscure. The book came out October 17th. It's called Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You Fucking Idiot.

Laura Moses and I wrote it. 100 tips, illustrated. Things that can teach you how to be better at dating. Answer lots of these questions. Like this. I'm here. Who wrote this one? God, that was clunky. That's not going to be A smooth transition

How roundabout How roundabout Gotta plug the book guys Of course Can't believe I'm on the show again I said after the last one I'm never doing it again What about episode 400?

Oh by the way I've also done like Two live shows Three live shows Yeah In more than one Country Yeah

I did I've done more than one country. Foreign country, yeah. I did, I've done more than that. I did Ireland, London, and South by Southwest. Yep. Awesome. You also did a Brooklyn one. Whoa. So I've done this a bunch of times. Yeah.

Are those not released like normal ones? I don't know. Some of them are. Some of them are not. Hey, guys. Email Amir. Tell him which one of your favorite episodes. What's his email address?

Email address is Amir. No, no, no. You can just use it if I were you. At gmail.com. Hey, you do have the Instagram thing is Amir at gmail.com Hey, you do have the Instagram thing, Amir. That's true. DM me. You couldn't hook up Jake? Dan writes,

We have the same interests, same sense of humor, and even the same obscure religious beliefs. Obscure religious beliefs? I can't wait to find out what she is. Since I like this guy so much, I decided to finally be bold and ask him out, which I never do. And he basically told me that he really likes me and wants to date, but has these feelings for another person. And it didn't feel right about talking to more than one person at the same time, even though he's technically single.

So he said he wants to take things slow with me and hang his friends for now. What do you guys think? Is this some convoluted dumb guy speak Of calling me his plan B? Do you think I should just stick it out And wait until he comes around? Or should I drop him? Or really just stay friends with him? I missed it, I was talking to Jake the whole time

Okay, so basically Well, what's her name? Okay, what's the question? Sorry A guy A guy told her that She likes the guy, they have obscure religious beliefs Yeah, I heard the first part also A guy told her that. She likes the guy.

They have obscure religious beliefs. Yeah, I heard the first part also. She asked him out, and he said he likes her, he wants to date her, but he has feelings for someone else. And he only wants to date one person at a time. I like that. I respect that. I respect it, but I think he's lying.

Oh, you think he's lying. He doesn't want to date you. I think he does. There's a chance that could be true. The only caveat... Either way, there's nothing this woman can do. Yeah, either way, there's nothing you can do. You shouldn't proceed either way. But I wonder if because

they have some obscure religion, I tend to sometimes think that people that have strong religious beliefs have a more of a better moral compass than people like I do. Even if it's an obscure religious belief. It's not necessarily always tied to religion. You ever see Spotlight?

So I shouldn't make that. Spotlight? You ever see the movie Spotlight? Yeah. Okay, keep going. Oh. Wow. Wow.

Oh, shit. Wait, let me finish. Because Michael Keaton's performance was awesome. Yeah, he was also good in Birdman. Did you see Birdman? Great Birdman. You ever see Biddlejus? Ooh, yes.

Biddlejus was good. Batman? Yeah. The Founder? The Founder. Yeah, I just watched that on a plane, actually. So did I. It really made me hate...

I mean... What's your airline where you're from? It was a Delta flight. Yeah, same. Good stuff. You see Dave? Dave is on there. No, no way. Dave's incredible. I gotta're from? It was a Delta flight. Yeah, same. Good stuff. You see Dave? Dave is on there. No, no way.

Dave's incredible. I've got to watch Dave. Dave has been around forever. I love it. I should watch that. Is this convoluted dumb guy speak for calling me his plan B, or do you think I should just stick it out? What if you...

This has happened to me before where you ask someone out, and she's like, I'm seeing someone else right now, but I'm down to just hang out as friends. Are you down to hang out as friends, or do you say no thank you? See, now listen. I think there is a world that that can happen. I have friends that do not believe in that. I think that there is a world where that is fine and happy. I also think, and this is a little off his topic, but we'll get back to it, that my book comes out October 17th. This is totally off this topic. I also think that there's a world where people are like, once you date somebody, you never really talk to them again. I think if you let someone into

your life and your heart that deeply and profoundly, if it's a real relationship, that why not have them still be a part of your life in a way? You don't have to hang out with them all the time, but I think that a lot of people, when you're done dating people, they totally don't talk to them anymore.

That's me, kind of. Really? Is it a fear of what would happen if they're still in my life or... I don't know. I feel like if you've let someone in your life that hard

you must connect with them in a way, right? Yeah. I think what I do when I get out of a relationship I do like closed off...

Oh yeah, take me through it for real. What do you do? So do you like... I want nothing to do with the person I want. Do you unfollow them? Do you...

Yeah. It's like they never existed. Wow. You erase their texts? Yeah. Yeah, I think I erase the text thread. I don't erase the emails. I'm lucky that I didn't really go through a big breakup after Instagram. Right.

What about photos that you have on your phone? Erase them all? I don't think it's worth the effort to go back to do it, but if you come across them, you can erase a whole text thread with just a swipe. Yes, that's easy. But I've never crawled back through my picture archives and deleted photos, but I just don't look at them. Yeah.

But I think after you sort of purge someone from your life, or at least for me, for a couple months, that's what I do when it's still too raw to talk to them. Ooh. I've gotten over it so much and I haven't talked to them in six months or a year. It's just like

it doesn't really feel that natural to reach out to them. But I'm kind to all my exes. I just don't ever Well, you're a kind person in general. To my knowledge. To me, you are. And the people I've ever seen you around

have been very kind. I appreciate that. Sorry, you guys spent the first five minutes of this podcast ridiculing me and calling me a chipmunk. You were saying that if you guys spent The first five minutes Of this podcast Ridiculing me And calling me a chipmunk You were saying that

If you stub your toe You'd be so amazed So cool that you could It's insane that you Can understand us Yeah Is amazing Our worlds are so different

You live in a tree You literally live in a tree And we live in a house I don't Yeah you do I do not literally live Do you live on ground level Or do you live above ground level

I know where you live Do you live on ground level Inside a little tree And that's so cool Is the place where you live on ground level? Or do you live above ground level? I know where you live. Do you live on ground level? Inside a little tree. And that's so cool. Is the place where you live made of wood? Yes. Okay. Do you live above ground level?

Answer the question. I live on the ground. No, you don't. You have to go up a little hill to get to where you live. A hill, yes. So? You live in a tree. Sea level.

Sea level. You're above sea level. Of course I'm above sea level. Okay. And you live in a wood? You live in a tree Sea level You're above sea level And you live in a wood? You live in something made of wood? And you put acorns in your mouth? I never ever ever put acorns in my mouth He's a fucking chipmunk I know I'm not

And by the way we should do That Jeff Foxworthy thing You might be a chipmunk. You might be a chipmunk. All right, go for it. If you live 500 meters above sea level. Unrelated. And you live in a wood box. I don't live in a wood box.

You're putting words in my mouth. And you have tiny feetsies and big old cheeksies. I do not have tiny feetsies. What's that? If you have glasses on and are Jewish. What? And you sometimes live in a tree. I never, ever have lived.

If you eat, if you eat, if you are like, no, ma'am, I don't want to order today. I will be eating the grass off the ground. No way. Did Chimix eat grass? If you have two twin brothers that sing with you. I do not have two twin brothers that sing with me. And your name is Alvin, Amir, or Theodore. Simon doesn't exist in this question.

Oh my God, you are Simon. You're Simon. You're Simon. You're Simon. That's what you did. That's how you made money before this. What are you talking about? If you are Simon.

I'm not Simon. My Jeff Foxworthy's a little Cosby too. It's loud. It's a little loud. Oh, you probably got to lower it. That probably blasted

the S's. I beat the S's. It's alright. I hope people laugh. Should I just stick around this lady S Or should she stick around as his friend I think you should stick around as his friend Yeah if you care about him

I think you should stick around as his friend Off of what you said earlier Anytime anybody is like will you date me And they say I don't want to date you right now But we can hang out as friends No one ever both enters that relationship as friends Everybody has a little bit of an ulterior motive. This guy might think like, oh, she's my friend,

but also she's like on deck. But. And maybe she's like, oh, this guy's my friend, but I'm going to try to hook up with him. But there are cases where people wait. Yeah. And they find someone they care about. Yeah.

And the person just has to get through that particular thing. If I'm dating somebody, I don't like dating or try my best not to date more than one person back when I was dating. And it's like, if, when that's the case, I,

I, I, cause you don't want to put someone in conversation. So there is a, uh, uh, there is a chance that whatever,

but then I guess there's that. I call that, uh, passive persistence where you don't forget about liking somebody. You continue to like them. You treat them well.

this is the trick then, Jake. You just don't stop liking them. What's your middle name? Adam? Penn Cooper. No, it's not. It is. Jake Penn Cooper? Adam is right. It's not Adam. Jake Adam.

Ja. Ja. So, this is the other thing. If you're able to still pursue other people. So, if you're like to still pursue other people. So if you're like, oh my goodness, don't wait for that person.

Right. That person has told you not to wait for that person. Yes. And then I guess you could check in. It's such an interesting thing. I don't like the I'll be friends with you while you wait thing. Well, it's not while you wait. He's just like, let's just be friends.

I think that Jake's right. There's a chance that this could be pushing you off I say live your life And see what happens I agree but you don't have to stop I don't think you have to stop liking somebody just because they don't want to be with you right now You can like I just think you have to leave them alone for the most part

Yes but that means not being their friend Well you'd be their friend You can be their friend 300 episodes of this. That's insane. Crazy, right? It's insane. Let's take a break. I did this whole thing with a fucking chipmunk, too. We gotta thank a few sponsors, and we'll be back on the other side of this break.

I guarantee he thanks Trees and Notes. No fucking way, dude. No fucking way. And it's off bed of pine needles and a warm hearth. I know it. I have a warm hearth. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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Well, we're back. We got the second half of the episode. Tell me about your book. Okay, so this is what it is. Laura Moses is a great writer, and I wrote this book. It's 100 Tips Illustrated to kind of bring, to like help you with your dating life. It actually works with this podcast quite a bit. Give us an example.

What's tip number 69? Tip number, well, why would you go right to 69? I'm just guessing. But the whole thing is we have a tip, like it's a be nice to your waiter. Then underneath, it's a guy and a girl talking about the tip the good and the bad about it and there's an illustration so be kind your waiter is literally uh someone saying yeah but what if he's mean just try your best to be kind yeah but what if he's hitler always kill hitler so it's like that so and then and but it's also it's like walk a girl to her car uh pay pay for their uber uh there's a hundred things and then it's also

people playing the opposite like it's like wait for wait for your date to get inside by the way it doesn't have to be a girl don't have to be a guy it could be same sex relationships anything wait for your partner to get inside of their house and then someone's like yeah but that's like stalkery that's like dexter you're gonna you're gonna be like dexter you're looking like if he's like yeah but that's the only way you can tell if they're gonna be safe so it's saying a tip and then also in today's day where chivalry is kind of weird and distant, what that feels like. It started because dating, and many people on this podcast who listen to this podcast will know, has become like so much about disposable love and like swiping and not even thinking

and every decision is made off of a picture. And then if somebody does one thing wrong, you think, well, screw it. There's a thousand other people on an app I can go to and I think it has really turned dating flawed a little bit. Yeah.

So it came from that and then it came from my generation, the generation after me, not knowing much about chivalry and learning it through this

and like how to be a human being and talk to another human being in a room. What do you think about Modern Chivalry as an alt title? For? For your book. Well, it's already been printed. We got quotes from people.

Do you see the black? Do you see the back of it? No, what did it say? The quotes are great, guys. Should we grab a book and read the quotes? Yeah. Is it online? Can I look at it online? No, it's not out yet. You guys have a copy before anybody else because we did this before October 17th. What's an example of one of the quotes on the back?

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Blake Griffin, JJ Abrams. Whoa, Jake and Amir? Kristen Bell. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir didn't even get a promo copy, I don't think. Yeah, did not get a promo copy. But they got the real ones first. Yeah, they got the real one.

And you autographed it. I sure did. Pretty neat. Yeah, you can check that on Instagram And you autographed it. I sure did. Pretty neat. You can check that on Instagram if you swipe back a month. That's right. What does Timberlake have to say about it? Oh, here we go. This book is so funny, so true, and if you read it, you'll 100%

find love and get married. But we warn you, once you're married, you still date each other harder than ever, so don't lose the book. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Oh, that's an old quote. There's a new quote. Where are you reading that one from? That one's on Amazon.

Oh. All right, keep going. What are the other ones? Funny as hell, no joke. Definitely worth $14.98. J.J. Abrams. The book is $14.99. It's an amazing quote by J.J.

If I were banished on a desert island, writes Blake Griffin, and could only take one book, it wouldn't be this one, because there would be no one to use all these smart, valuable, and hilarious tips on. That's really solid. He came up with that? He's still one of the... Yes, he's a genius. Wow.

He's one of the funniest human beings. Blake Griffin. For real, he's unbelievably funny. All right, and then who else? Taylor Griffin, Chris Paul, just like a bunch of Clipper basketball players. Taylor Griffin didn't play on that team. Did he not? No.

What did Milo say? It's all in Serbian, so I can't read a single word. Lauren Ben's absurdist look at dating is both hilarious and heartfelt. A great read even for this old married lady, Kristen Bell. What else do you need? And also, you can go online. I'm sure

by now it's like there are pictures of it online. Hopefully. Sign me up, Steve Bannon. Why did Steve Bannon? I don't think that's him. That's a different Steve Bannon. Because he's lonely. Even if it is. It's a different Steve Bannon. Why even risk it and put his quote on the back?

I don't know. I don't control all that stuff, guys. But it's still such an odd choice, I think. Well, read another nice one. Okay, here we go. I'm obsessed with this book. Using profanity and profundity to find love. Sign me up, Sophia Bush.

Great. Is there any more? That's it. Yeah, there's one from Rex Tillerson and a few from Donald Trump Jr. Jesus Christ, really? Yeah, I can't believe. I guess you want to appeal to both sides. No, we didn't get those quotes. We absolutely didn't get those quotes. So they must have sent it out.

Well, just read one of them so I know what they are. Yeah, one of them is about the Muslim ban. What? That has nothing to do with the book. I know. This one says climate change is a global hoax. As a review? Hashtag MAGA. Yeah. As a review of my book?

Not a review, but it's on the back cover. Actually, the Muslim ban one was about the author. That's pretty cool. So this one says, Ben's the man, and then hashtag I stand. Yeah. What? Yeah, it's talking about not taking a knee because you never disrespect the flag. This is in the about the author.

Okay. Listen, guys. The quotes are from Blake Griffin, JJ, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel. Yeah. And, uh... Mike Pence. No.

Yeah, Mike Pence. Here's one. Oh, I walked out on this book because Ben took a knee. I guess that one's kind of complimentary towards you. I don't know, guys. I don't think they're really on the back there. No, no.

You know what? I'll check the book. You what? It's crazy that you didn't even, uh... Have you read any of the books since I've given it to you? What? You gave it to me

two hours ago and we were doing other work. Writing our movie that's probably been made by now. I can't believe it's number one in the box office. I wonder if it's already

been announced. No. That we wrote a movie. I think they tweeted that we wrote it, right? Oh, God. You said that we were writing something together.

You know what? 100th caller on this show gets a script for free and can do whatever they want with it. There's no callers. Put their names on it. No callers. Oh, all? Oh, God. You said that we were writing something together. You know what? 100th caller on this show gets a script for free. You can do whatever they want with it. Put their names on it. No callers. Oh, all right. No, man.

You know there's no callers, right? You've done this show a lot. It's always been an email, right? All right, next question. All right, next question. It's a lady. We have another lady's name. What are you eating there?

You're... It's so obviously crispity crunchity peanut buttery what is that i think anything stop being weird it's like a cereal you're eating cereal out of a jar it's so loud people told me that the worst thing you can do on a podcast is chew into the microphone really because i think the worst thing you could do is take a huge dump all over the format start talking about random shit and asking us stupid questions throughout the show i'm sorry insult the host and call him a fucking chipmunk. I think that's the worst thing you can do on the podcast.

Dude, your chipmunk is out of control today. He's like out of control. He probably thinks you're a hawk. Oh, that's probably it. He's very nervous. Why? He's very nervous. Do you think I'm a hawk?

No. Let's see how he reacts. Chipmunks are scared of a hawk. Oh, my God. It is. You're a chipmunk. That was scary. God damn chipmunk.

No, that was scary just because of the noise. We need another. Isn't it insane that a chipmunk That was scary No that was scary Just because of the noise We need another Is it insane That a chipmunk wears socks That's so funny How did he even get His little paws around Those socks to pull them off

Oh the little shoes They make chipmunk Chipmunk boots Chipmunk shoes That would A chipmunk wearing socks Is the most sensical thing You said

Can I ask you guys a question Sure Cabin or house Ooh For where I want to live I'm going to tell you What you're doing Okay Okay Cabin or house Cabin or house? For where I want to live? I'm going to tell you what you're doing. Cabin or house? Cabin.

House. The chipmunk doesn't get to answer. City? City or country? City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City.

City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City. City what did you say? I said cabin and city. City? You don't have to hear... Okay. I want to play too. All right. I'll say it, but you don't have to acknowledge me. City? City. Cabin?

Me too. City house for me, though. City and house. America? Yeah. America or Europe? America. America.

Hey, even if you... All right. Even if he was, let him play your time. Okay, sorry. Last question and we're done. And then my turn, or should I keep answering? Ready? Yep. I am ready, but yeah.

Jake, you ready? Enemy is ready too. Checking in. Dog or cat? I gotta go dog on this one too. I agree with Jake. It's a two dog. Okay, so here's what you've decided. Okay. You're gonna die in a cabin? Dog. I got to go dog on this one, too. I agree with Jake. It's a two dog. Okay, so here's what you've decided. Okay. You're going to die in a cabin? No.

With a dog? No way. In America? Okay. What was the last one? City? There's no way this was a game that you knew about before and so clearly made up. Okay, your turn.

Ready? Yeah. A door you really want to play? Yeah, of course. I love this game. Okay. You before and so clearly made up. Okay, your turn. Ready? Yeah. I know what you really want to play. Yeah, of course. I love this game. Okay. You know the whole game. No, do different rules.

High five or low five? City. High five or low five? High five. Huh? High five. Okay. As a chipmunk,

you're going to get smushed by a high five? No, I'm not going to get smushed by a high five. You got to be careful. All right, we need another girl's name. All I have is normal ones. Are they so boring because they're so normal? No. It's fine if it's normal.

The last one was really long and complicated, too. But if you can do one, you can do it. I don't think so. Yeah. You can do a quick, easy. Earl Faltateet? Sorry? What's that?

He said Earl Faltateet. Earl Faltateet? Teet? Or teet? No. Earl Faltateet? Teet. Earl Faltateet? Earl Fowl-ta-teet. Earl Fowl-ta-teet? Teet? Or teet? No. Earl Fowl-ta-teet? Teet. Earl Fowl-ta-teet?

Earl Fowl-ta-teet. Earl Fowl-ta-teet? Okay. Say it. I did. No, a chipmunk would have problems with this. Yeah. Because his fat, fat cheeks can get around it.

Earl Fowl-ta-teet? Earl Fowl-ta-teet. I said it. Earl Fowl-ta-teet. Middle name? Sue. Of course. Earl Fowl-ta-te Of course Earl Faltatite Sue

Sue And then she has the last name Which is? She's an easy one Oh actually we don't even need it Might as well have it while we're here We're here Might as well have it

Alright Earl Faltatite Sue Sue Count me down 3, 2, 1 And then? And then you say the last name

I counted you down You asked us to count you down So what are you saying in then? And then you say the last name I counted you down You asked us to count you down So what are you saying in then? Of course Of course Urlfaltateet? Yep Sue

You don't have to remind us of the first two But yeah 3, 2, 1 Countdown 3, 2, 1 Dungares Huh? Okay

Dungares Alright Urlfaltateet Sue Dungarees? No Pronounce differently Dungarees Dungarees That sounds like you're just saying Dungarees? No. Pronounce differently. Dungarees. Dungarees. That sounds like you're just saying Dungarees.

No, do you want me to spell it? D-O-O-N umlat G-E-R-I-E. Umlats have to go above letters. You don't say N umlat O. E comma umlat. A comma and an umlat. Two umlats. Two umlats. So double umlat. Two umlauts, so double umlaut.

So the first umlaut is double the power. Rolf Faltetiet. Sue. Dungarex. Dungarex. Okay. Got it. What'd she say?

No need to apologize for not answering my previous question. For this predicament is one for the books. Here's the dish. I'm pretty funny. Obviously, that's not the issue. I don't really do bits or anything like that. I guess I just, the normal things I say are comical to those around me.

I like to do a lot of puns, wordplay, what you may call dad jokes, which get the crowds giggling. But I would say the majority of my funny is just kind of how I speak and think. I'm pretty bad at impersonating people or doing characters, which I guess is funny in a way that people are laughing at me. So that's cool.

Onto the problem. I want to be more funny. I don't just want to amuse my friends and peers. I want to crack people the fuck up. So my question is, how can I become more funny? Jokebooks, improv, something entirely else, or is being funny an inherent quality? And am I just doomed to being moderately hilarious for the rest of my life? I'd like to take this one if you guys don't mind. P.S. Please tell Ben Schwartz I think he's amazing. You two are rad. Does it say that?

Yeah. Someone's getting a free copy of my book. When does that come out? Is it me? What's the person's name? It's... Earl Faltatite? Sue? Dungares. Okay.

I'm sending a manila envelope right now. I'm sending it out to Earl Faltatite. Sue Dungares. You have to put the address on. Not just a gibberish word. Okay. And I'm going to say your address. My address.

Congratulations. You're sending it to your place? I would say probably grab my book. There's comedy in it. It could teach you comedy. So what's the question? Can you teach? By the way, this is a question that sometime when I used to coach improv.

Do you think you can make someone? So when I used to coach for like UCB side teams, do you think that you guys could coach someone to be funny? I don't know about funny, but I bet funnier. I think I could take the tools in which you have, for improv at least, and show you how to use those tools better. So maybe become a better improviser, but I don't think you can make someone funnier, can you? Do you think that she could take improv classes and become funnier?

Maybe that's the form where she's very good. Yeah. I mean, she mentioned it, right? She said, should I take improv? Yeah. It's also subjective. Like, someone who I think is unfunny might be

a very successful comedy writer. Okay, so give me an example of someone you find unfunny. So, for example, my friend David Young, right? He's so prolific.

He works for Jimmy Fallon. He wrote for Carpal Karaoke. Now he's writing on a different show. He's a comedy writer. He's been a comedy writer for 13 years.

He's incredibly unfunny. He's not funny, and he'll be the first to tell you. He doesn't think he's funny at all. So not true. Is that true? I don't think he's funny. No, sorry, I don't think he's funny. Heator for 13 years. He's incredibly unfunny. He's not funny, and he'll be the first to tell you. He doesn't think he's funny at all. So not true. Is that true? I don't think he's funny.

No, sorry, I don't think he's funny. He thinks he's funny. He thinks he's funny. Yeah, he thinks he's funny. But I don't think he's funny. You should absolutely edit this out, because it is... I'm saying he's not funny. It is grass, it is biting.

But at the same time, he thinks I'm funny. It is not becoming of a sweet little chipmunk that I know. Why would you shit someone? You must have eaten a lot of acorns. No, I didn't eat a lot of acorns. I've never had an acorn. Yeah, right. Oh, my God.

Yeah, right. You think I've had an acorn? Yeah, right. You think I've eaten an acorn? Are you kidding me, dude? I think you swim in acorns. Like Scrooge McDuck swims in gold coins. That's your currency.

That is your currency. When you have to buy, like, a slice of pizza to put in your big cheeks. I'll use cash. You can't use cash. You don't have any pockets. Yes, I do. No, you don't. If you do, you have to buy like a slice of pizza to put in your big cheeks. I'll use cash. You can't use cash. You don't have any pockets. Yes, I do. No, you don't. If you do, you've stripped them from a human.

No way. Well, I guess you simoned it. Yeah. What do you mean? You have just a big old turtleneck. That's what you wear. No, I don't. A huge green turtleneck dress.

I've never worn a green turtleneck dress. Sing Christmas time. Christmas time. Time every once a year. Time for fun. And time for cheers. Literally. Wow. What do you think that sounds like, though?

What do you mean? Did that sound like a chipmunk or a person impersonating? A chipmunk, 100%. You sound more like a chipmunk impersonating a human. That's correct. How can I become more funny? How can I be anymore? It's more the same. It doesn't sound like she's that old, right?

She is 91. 91? By the right! Don't put it out there. Don't you dare put that song out there. We need it for us. Jokebooks? Improv?

I don't know. By the way, watch comedy. Watch the things that make you laugh. Go see shows. put that song out there we need it for us joke books improv is there a way to come up with by the way watch comedy watch the things that make you laugh go see shows sometimes like when I was doing

improv classes I would see a ton of shows and see what people did and just been inspired by them and stuff like that that was really helpful I would watch

there's a show called Ask Cat I would go to back in the day and it was like Amy Poehler and Brian Husky and Jack McBrayer

and Tina Fey would come Rachel Dratch Matt W, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts and Paul Scheer. A byproduct of doing stuff like that is that you make, I mean, right now I'm sure you have great friends that you entertain, but you make, you immerse yourself in comedy, you make funnier friends and then you're doing bits all the time and you elevate each other. Makes sense. You learn how to be funnier. Here's a comedy question. What attributes, what adjectives about someone do they You learn how to be funnier. Here's a comedy question. What attributes,

what adjectives about someone do they need to have to be funny? Like, do you have to be smart to be funny? Wow, this is an interesting little conversation. Like, if funny didn't exist.

Especially for, I guess, okay, so for like, so what makes you laugh? If like, a chipmunk slips on some water or like, That's funny to me

as an adult male, but I don't need to be a chipmunk. Or like how a chipmunk like picks up a banana and pretends to surf on it I think that's funny

I do also think that's funny but that doesn't mean I'm a chipmunk I think that's funny just because well it's just picturing you do it

or chipmunks do it it's funny because I think one of the most important things to have for a sense of humor is a sense of irony what does that mean?

you like see the opposites and the incongruity of things. But how do you do that? Do you have to be smart? You have to be perceptive. Well, how about this? There's an intellectual comic and there's also a physical comic. So you can be dummy and still be funny. I think there are people.

Well, I think so. Don't you think? Yes, I do think so. But do you think somebody like Larry the Cable Guy is dumb and funny? I mean, I guess you don't think he's funny. Well, that's a character, right? Right. That's not him.

But you think that that comedian is smart? Well, Larry the Cable Guy is an Oxford English trained Shakespearean actor, and that's a character that he does. He really got into it. That is not true. Yes, he is. He's an Oxford trained actor, whatever. Eldred Nightingale. He's a Oxford trained whatever. Eldred Nightingale.

He's a Rhodes Scholar. I don't believe this. He's a microphysicist. Same with Guy Fieri? No, Guy Fieri's a dumbass. Don't be mean to Guy. He listens to this show. Oh, really?

He has a bunch of restaurants. By the way, that's another thing. There's some people that you look and you'd be like, wow, what are you doing? I don't know how intelligent you are, but then they have like, they have their own businesses and so they're doing something, right? You know what I mean? Like Trump? Huh? Huh? Um, um,

um. I mean, he's a good businessman. Oh, the art of the deal is all. Oh, God. So, are you saying you can become funnier? Can you become unfunny to funny? Do you think if it rains and you open your mouth, you would get enough water to stay hydrated?

You are thirsty. Do you think? To stay hydrated for like the day? Yeah. If it rained for half an hour and you tilted your head back and you tried to drink that water, could you get enough, could you get a full, could you get like a glass of water? No.

That's a good question. No, yeah, probably not, right? I don't know. I'm asking you guys. It would have to be like eight inches of water in an hour.

Only a chipmunk would know that much specifics about what it's like to grab water out of a chipmunk. No, it's not. It's the opposite. If anything, it's the opposite.

Chipmunks are probably too dumb to even comprehend the idea of space and time That's why it's so unique. Quantities. You're the smartest chipmunks that there ever has been. And to even know. You're Simon.

Literally, Simon's the smartest chipmunk in the world. Until you. Pretty cool. No, it's not. I don't know if you can teach someone to be funny. I think being around funny people helps because you learn their cadence and their rhythm. I think that people can be funny around other people Funnier, don't you think?

Or by the way, maybe find someone that has your sense of comedy Like you guys fit very well together But you guys by yourselves are terrible I haven't seen one of you guys make a real Watch, say something together Just do anything together Like a two man little bit? No, just talk to each other, that's all it takes

Okay, hey, how's it going? Fine, you? Yeah, I'm good too I each other. That's all it takes. Okay, hey, how's it going? Fine. That's good. Yeah, I'm good too. I guess you guys aren't really that funny. That wasn't funny, but... Okay, so say something funny. Do something funny. Okay.

Well, give us a suggestion. Cap'n Crunch. Okay, pass. Let's get one more. Yeah, any other suggestion? No, with each other. Okay, Jake, you're selling Amir a laptop. I would never.

That's really funny, actually. It would be more like you selling me. Let's do you selling me Cap'n Crunch. Okay. Jake, you're selling Amir a laptop. I would never. That's really funny, actually. It would be more like you selling me. Let's do you selling me Captain Crunch. Okay. All right. Hey, Captain Crunch for sale over here. Who wants one pouch? I thought this was a laptop store.

That's funny. That's funny. You didn't let him. You said one sentence. All right. All right. All right. It's funny.

Sorry. Hey, Captain Crunch here. Who's got a pouch? Or is this a laptop store? What? Sorry. You're stepping out of my line. You're trying to do the scene alone.

No, no, no. I can do it with you. Be a two-person team. Okay. You're a team boy. Captain Crunch here. Captain Crunch here. Who wants to come in?

Oh, don't say it's a laptop store. That's my line. I order. And then Jake. This is so... Right? You're stealing the scene. No, I'm not stealing the scene.

I'm doing a TV interview. Let Jake say something. Let Jake initiate. I'll start the scene. So, Amir, you're not allowed to talk. Just say hi, and I'll take it from there. No, no. Jake, you say whatever you want, and then when you're done, point to Amir so he knows

when you're done. I've had enough of that already. Wait, stop. Let him. I got a cat to grunge for sale. One pouch. You come in here. It's not a fucking laptop store.

If you do, you're going to get a knuckle sandwich. You are the only person turning into this laptop store. Jake, say your sentence. Okay. Jake is crying. I can say it. I can say what he was going to say. You don't say anything.

I won't say anything. You're playing a mime. Okay. Okay? Captain Crunch doesn't sound like that. I got a Captain Crunch story. All right, go. All right.

I got a Captain Crunch. Mimes don, go. All right. I got a Captain Crunch. Moms don't talk. I'm practicing. For what? You're not supposed to talk. I know, but when we're done, we're going to do it again. All right, go. Jake.

I'm going to say it, yeah. Don't. Okay. Don't say it. All right. Gee whiz. Come on. You're making noises.

Achoo. Gee whiz, I'm hungry. Oh, gee whiz. You got a Captain Crunch pouch over here At the Santa laptop store And I'm not gonna say anything Cause you know why? Cause I'm a fucking mime

Ya bish Alright go So how do you learn how to be that funny? I mean just find one funny friend And get steamrolled I think it's about surrounding yourself With funny people Practicing your crap

You get Or the opposite You get quicker Surround yourself yourself With funny people Practicing your crap You get Or the opposite You get quicker Surround yourself With unfunny people So that the mediocre Rises to the top In the land of the blind

The man with one eye Is queen Okay so I agree with Jake I think surround yourself With funny people Of course Do the things that You find funny

If you want to be funny I don't know if reading a book I think it becomes A little technical right Yeah I think you have to I think you gotta It's like learning to speak I mean like an instruction book On how to be funny I don't know how reading a book, I think it becomes a little technical, right? Yeah, I think you have to, I think you got, it's like learning to speak. I mean, like an instruction book on how to be funny. I don't know how one would even do that.

But like, you think you would speak Spanish better if you like read Rosetta Stone or something? Or if you like went and lived in Spain for a year? Well, I don't know if you read Rosetta Stone, right? It's an audio thing. I don't fucking know. I don't, yo no se, you know what I'm saying? Well, okay, I guess. I don't know Spanish.

Are you crying? You're like a humor, I'm saying you know what I'm saying well okay I guess I don't know Spanish are you crying? you're like a humor I'm still the cabin crew has been really cracking a human a laughter a humor immersion program so you immerse yourself

with funny people and you'll come out just reeking of comedy that's what I think I think so I agree with both you guys minutes agreed Ben

thank you for coming on our show this has been episode 300 What? It can't be over already That's right 55 minutes up 55 minutes down The perfect episode

No way Get it to an hour I'm not leaving What's that? We're going to an hour Alright Five minutes to promote your book Go for it

Okay Things you should already know About Danny You fucking idiot Ben Schwartz Laura Moses This is my fourth book First book was called

Breaking Bad News Oh Grandma's Dead Breaking Bad News And Baby Animals Second book was called Breaking Bad News oh Grandma's Dead Breaking Bad News and Baby Animals second book was called Why Is Daddy in a Dress Asking Awkward Questions of Baby Animals

third one is called maybe Your Leg Will Grow Back yeah it's clearly not a book you wrote I did write by the way I did write all three of these I can't remember the title

of the book you wrote that was years ago fuck but this new one is called Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You Fucking Idiot. I really think it's funny. I've laureated all the illustrations, which I think are beautiful. And I'm excited. I think I really hope by this time it will already be out.

We'll see if anybody cares. But I think if you enjoy comedy, I think this will be a fun one for you. You guys like Farside, right? The comic? I love Farside. Love Farside. I thought of a Farside comic. Go ahead.

Can I pitch it to you guys? Yeah. You tell me when we hit an hour. Okay. Oh, we're there. Fuck. Okay. Thank you guys so much.

Love it. Hang out. We'll see you for episode 301. This has been Ben Schwartz, Jake Hurwitz, and Chipmunk. We got three minutes left. Ready? He wants a hula hoop.

Yes, I am a chipmunk. Let's do it, pussycat. You guys sound like chipmunks more than I do, by the way. I am a chipmunk. I am a chipmunk. So now that there's two people just like you here, will you finally the way. I am a chipmunk. I am a chipmunk. So now that there's two people just like you here, will you finally admit it?

I'm a chipmunk. Me too. Are you guys for real, though? Yeah. You're seriously not just saying that you're a chipmunk? I really, I live in the forest. Same with me. I live in trees.

How do you think I know so much about acorns? Yeah. I'm here, this is a safe space. I'm a chip. How do you think I know so much about acorns? I'm here. This is a safe space. I'm a chipmunk. Okay. Are you? I'm a chipmunk.

You fucking idiot. What? I knew it. I'm a human being. Of course. I'm a human being. Of course you're a human being. You stupid idiot.

What do you think? There were chipmunks? I can't believe you're actually a chipmunk. You're the only one. You're a crazy person What's your far side? Five cannibals sitting around Talking to each other

You know how he does like the caveman thing Maybe there's a sign that says cannibal convention One of the cannibals says to the other You know they say don't eat your heroes I like it So I guess make sure you hang out with funny people

go out of your way try to find the ones that make sense and are funny people that are like really cool it doesn't matter if they're cool

by the way in high school I hung out with everybody like I don't know if I don't think I was cool I probably wasn't I put a lot of video game stuff but just try to surround yourself

with the people that inspire you and you connect with and you can create comedy okay good luck good luck everybody what time is it yeah it's been an hour Just try to surround yourself with the people that inspire you and you connect with and you can create comedy. Okay? Good luck. Good luck, everybody.

What time is it? Yeah, it's been an hour. Guys, I just want to say this. Uh-huh. 300 episodes. 300 up, 300 down. 300 hours of content. That's right.

Too much. How long do you think you can make it go for? We got at least another 1,000 in us. There's no way that's true. Well, not another 1,000, but I think we'll get to 1,000. 300 seems like... We made 800 Jake and Amiris. And they probably took more effort. Took way more effort.

Way more. Way more. Way more. All right, guys. This is Ben Schwartz signing off. Congratulations, everybody, for listening to 300. If you're like me, this will be the last one you ever listen to. Shut it off. 400. Change your dial. Talk to you soon. Love you very 300. If you're like me, this will be the last one you ever listen to. Shut it off, change your dial.

Talk to you soon. Love you very much. Thank you for being supportive. I love you, Jake. I love you, buddy. This closing theme song is a Lady Gaga parody written by some guy named Austin, and his album is called Corey Phil.

I love you, Amir. Love you, too. Thank you for coming on our show. It's a great tradition to have you here every 100 episodes. How long does it take? A year to get through a hundred? It takes about a hundred weeks. It'll take a little under two years. Alright, guys. I'll see you for the next live one.

Hell yeah. Later. Matt Damon and Dude Serge Bro They're giving you a million reasons Ben Schwartz and Middle Ditch Reasons Giving you a million reasons Alice and Williams Reasons Mom turned down the podcast I'm about to get nasty The pinch has got the thinnest skin Don't put him on blast

Even if it's coming from Amir's cousin Leron Jake doesn't like to be insulted on If I were you, the show, they try to make the worst seem better. These for you, do you know? They try to answer every letter. I've got a hundred 100 million reasons to walk away. Baby, all I need is one man, George, to stay. That's awesome, dude. That was a HeadGum Podcast.