Segments - 303: Wild Goose Chase

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

In this episode we discuss new phones, old habits, and Shakespeare, mother!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Jake and Amir, if I were you It's a podcast show where they make fun of you Jake, please, I want to seize the cheese can you help me out i kind of think she's being a tease a mere like silly syllable rhymes really literal mind really help riddle the dimes right into these two gorgeous that's what i would do

if i were you If I were you If I were you Beautiful. Was that a string arrangement in there? Yeah, it was almost like a violin backtrack or something. That was written by Aiden Avery from Seattle, who's a total nerd for old technology. So I recorded an old four-track cassette recorder.

Damn. And I made a video, too, on YouTube. We should post that video. Oh, let's see if he's playing the violin or the cello. Oh, it looks like the video is just a cassette tape playing the song. That's actually pretty cool. Aiden Avery. Thanks, Aiden. Gracias.

Alan Avery. That's really close to Matt Walton's name in Fired. You don't think? I mean, there's no way. One's fictional, one's real. They can't be. No way at all. Holy shit, but no. Absolutely no chance. Yeah's fictional, one's real. They can't be. No way at all. Holy shit, but no.

Absolutely no chance. Yeah, forget it. Never mind. Unrelated. It's a coincidence. We're running on fumes a little bit because we're shooting Lonely and Horny. We can officially say that. We're allowed to say it, but nothing else.

Yeah. But we're shooting season two. That's right. Ten more episodes of the show we made two years ago. And today is day nine. That's right. Of nine. Yes. So this is day nine. That's right, of nine. Yes.

So this is our last day of shooting. We have the morning off. Recording this at 11. Starting, we're in at one. We wrap at 2 a.m. That's right. And then that's it. That'll be the season.

In a can. I hope you guys like it. Watching it as much as we've liked making it. We're cracking up on set. I mean, I'm ruining takes. It's a problem. We're not getting the coverage. I'm like behind the camera, and there was a day where I ruined like three or four takes

because I was laughing so hard, not even on the screen. Yeah, you couldn't be silently giggling. It's really nice looking around. I mean, aside from that, I apologize. But it's nice looking around the set because sometimes like our DP Bobby is just like biting his lip laughing. Yeah. It's good. But it's nice looking around the set because sometimes our DP, Bobby, is just biting his lip laughing. Yeah.

It's good. It's nice when you're making the crew laugh because usually they've seen it all. Yeah. They've shot plenty of comedy. Joey, not to mention any specifics, but was making gaffers and assistants that I haven't even seen smile crack up. Yeah. And he only had a few lines. That's right.

So I decided to edit it together and post it for everybody to watch soon enough. But for now, we have to focus on today, which is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

Back at it again, just us two. No more guests. Although the guest episodes are doing well, I'm afraid people are becoming too used to it, you know? Only guests from now on. No, because then people don't like that either. They don't like anything that repeats itself. Here's a tweet I posted earlier today.

Let me tell you. It's a poll. Let me see how you would answer it and if you're shocked by the results. Ready? Would you eat a bowl of wet oatmeal with your house key for $50? A thousand

people have voted so far. Would you eat a bowl of wet oatmeal with your house key for $50? You don't have a house key, so I guess you'll have to say office key or something. Well, I guess I'd have a different answer for office key versus car key. Oh, okay. Oh, you would do one, not the other. Oh, yeah. So which one would different answer for office key versus car key. Oh, okay.

Oh, you would do one and not the other. Oh, yeah. So which one would you do? Car key for sure. Not that you'd have to do it. You'd do it with your car key for $50. Yeah. So why not the office key?

I feel like the office key was handed down to me. I don't know. I've only had the office key for, what, a year, two years, a year and a half? Yeah. I'm not ready for that. My car key, I would only had the office key for, what, a year, two years, a year and a half? Yeah. I'm not ready for that. My car key, I would stick it in my ass. I see. Yeah, it is.

Wow, look at that. Yeah, the little key chain is dangling out. Are you surprised that so many people said yes? Two-thirds of people said yes. I knew that that would be the case. What dollar value would I have to lower it to for it to be a 50-50 proposition? Five bucks? Ten bucks.

Ten bucks. People love free money. I know, but fucking licking wet oatmeal off your house key sounded so gross to me. I'm not even like a germaphobe, but I wouldn't lick my key. Well, if you thought it sounded so gross, why did you even post the poll? Because if you thought it was going to be zeroed, people saying they'd do it. I was just curious. I also thought it's a funny visual of eating oatmeal off of your key.

It's like if you were camping or something, you didn't have a spoon. Yeah, I've eaten oatmeal off a stick when I was camping. Yeah, I think I'd rather eat it off a stick. No, because animals piss on the stick. Bugs on the stick. It's like, I don't know what the hell.

People have been touching it for years. But it's mostly you. Mm-hmm. I also... Are you imagining eating with the fat part of the key like you take it off the ring that's what that's i think that's why i was imagining the thin part but that wouldn't make sense i should be holding it from the thin part yeah that's how a spoon looks i should ask a follow-up question were you imagining holding it from the thin part and eating with the fat or holding the fat part? What kind of maniac would hold it from you? That's like, it's truly literally taking a spoon from the fat part. I know, but that's what I was thinking. I

wonder if I'm, if I was just being crazy. You know why? Because that's how I hold the key. So I'm like, all right, I'll either stick it in the cart or I'll eat it. I'll eat oatmeal with it. Yeah. That, I mean, that does make sense. But as soon as you sit down in front of the bowl, I think you, and you see how quickly the oatmeal runs off. Because I'm more thinking like not even being grossed out. That's just a lot of time. Yeah.

I feel like I could earn $100 in the amount of time it takes me to do. Like I'll go return clothes to Crossroads or something. I can make more cash. Yeah. I should ask about the fat part, skinny part. Maybe I'll ask that during the break and we'll read the results. I wonder if most people were like me for no reason, or if they just were more logically holding the skinny part, eating off the fat. Which part is dirtier, the skinny part? I don't know what people are really thinking, but I do have a theory that once you pose that question, the fat part seems like such a brighter way to do it.

Oh, yeah, that's what I thought. I don't even... So I think it's going to be the same amount, like two-thirds of people saying fat part of the key. I don't even lick my fingers when I eat. Like, when you're eating, like, a sandwich and you get, like, ketchup or barbecue sauce, are you licking your fingers? For the most part, no.

But it also depends how, like if I'm really hungry, I'm eating a piece of turkey that fell on the floor in a restaurant. But I'd rather eat turkey that fell off the floor than lick my, suck on my finger. Yeah. I don't, I'm not a finger sucker. I think that makes them, I don't like having my fingers be sticky. What about that? I both pour water on our hands and wash them under the table.

Oh, interesting. I didn't know that you did that. I do that. What if a little mustard gets on the web in between your thumb and your index finger? Are you giving it the old... I would go to... Is there a napkin? I would do that.

There's a pretty moistened towelette. Oh, yeah. If there's anything besides my lips, I'm using that. But if I'm in the middle of the woods and just eating a sandwich barehand... Actually, at that point, maybe I'll use my pants because I'm camping. So that's kind of cool. That's fine. What about 55 bucks, but you're the middle person in a human centipede? Fine.

Yeah, I was going to say fine. Because you're not licking your hand. No. Your lips are around someone else's shit. That's fine. Because that's food. And you don't even have to get your hands dirty. Jesus Christ, what a fucking weird movie that is.

All right, I found one question for today. All right, so we really have to tease this podcast out. Yeah, let's take your time answering it. Ready? Yeah. We'll call this guy Bobby Lamb, because he's our cinematographer on set. He's in our conscious. Bobby DP. Bobby writes, I've been working at a small company in Chicago for the past three months, and it's been going okay, but I just saw that they posted a job on the career page. That's

my exact job description. So I want to find out if this is an old posting or if they're about to can me. My plan is to create a fake email address and apply to the job saying I have a way shitload of experience. If they respond, then I know I'm fucked, right? What do you guys think? He's got to go in for the interview as the other guy. Hello, I am John Shitload of Experience Robert. Groucho Marx mustache. And then that almost sounds like a Seinfeld or something

where he gets fired and then takes over the role as the new... Yeah, or like George gets Jerry to do it and then Jerry pretends so much that he... It wasn't actually a job to replace George, but everyone loves Jerry so much that they eventually fire George. Yeah, that's good. It backfires on him. That sounds about right.

So do you think this... Yeah, then Jerry likes the job. He doesn't want to quit. Do you think this could backfire on him? His ignorance bliss, is it better not to know at all? I think it's better not to know. Like, does he know that they just posted that? Like, was it empty?

Or they might have just left it. It might be the same job posting that he found. Yeah, it might be, but it might not be. That's true. I think that a lot of places leave old job listings up. That's my theory. That's why they should use ZipRecruiter.com. This isn't that, everybody!

Gotcha! Would you do this? Would you email? Or would you be like, uh, I'll just wait would you be like, I'll just wait and see? Yeah, I would just wait and see. And maybe just let this light a little bit of a fire under my ass. But also, if you're doing a great job, if the company's growing, they might need to have two of you. That's right.

There's nothing to say that you're getting canned. Yeah, I think the problem is that it's a small company, so it's almost like he would know. He would know if they were hiring somebody else. I think that the bigger question is to reflect and think of, are you doing a bad job? Do you think you're doing good, or do you think you're doing bad? And if you're doing bad, then there's no need to fake apply.

You already know that you're going to get fired. You're not. If you're doing good. He says it's been going okay. All right, do better. I think that's all you can, like if you're worried about keeping your job, there's no like, you don't save your job by like writing this email and trolling your company or catfishing your company or whatever.

You only save your job by kicking ass and doing better. Job security is something we've had to skirt because we never had a corporate job. You and I had a corporate job. We worked at one of the biggest corporations in the world. Yeah, but it never felt like I was in accounting where I hope I don't get fired or something. I always just felt like I was doing good, so it never felt like I was like in accounting where like, oh, I hope I don't get fired or something. I always just felt like I was doing good. So like it was fine. I was, I was comedy writing. It's, it didn't feel real to me. So I never felt like shit layoffs are coming.

I don't know if I'm going to lose my job or not. I don't know if I'm, I don't know if I'm like, proving my worth, pulling my weight. Right. I guess it's different. It's definitely easier to shine in like a creative environment or whatever environment we were in where like success was like measured in views and downloads and all that shit. Yeah, they were like quantities. Yeah, if you're an accountant and like everybody files these – everybody just like puts in their files or fills up the Excels. That's – Anyone can do it. That's a good example of how little we know. If you do the files and everyone did the files, how can you tell that my file is bad? We filed all the reports.

You fill in the blanks. Why are you firing me? I did the files. He did the files, too. Well, you and Jerry both do the files. And people like talking to him by the water cooler. Oh, I see. That makes sense.

So you're fired and he's files. That makes sense. You're fired and he's files. That makes sense. All right. So you would not do it? I wouldn't do it. I would try to find ways to excel at work and get in your boss's good graces. I think I would do it. I think I would have to know.

But it doesn't, you don't learn anything. Yeah, you learn if it's a new job post or not. Oh, right. I guess you learn, but you learn if it's a new job post or not. Oh, right. I guess you learn, but you learn if they're hiring or not. Yeah. If you find out no, then like, I guess maybe it's worth doing that. Peace of mind. But it's not necessarily because if you say, if they say, oh, we're not hiring, then it is peace of mind.

And if they say, oh, yeah, we are hiring, it still doesn't, you don't know for a fact that you're getting fired. Right. You might be hiring're getting fired. Right. You might be hiring someone in addition. Yeah, it seems like. Or maybe they're always trying to keep resumes on file. Maybe they're opening

a new office. This is just like going to be the tip of the iceberg. You're going to get in too deep. You're going to like apply. They're going to respond. You're not going to know.

You're going to make another one apply and it's going to like spin out of control. Because you make a fake email then you have to make a fake resume then you have,

then they find out that the emails are coming from the company IP address. Wow. I don't know. It seems like a can of worms. It's the same thing where it's like if you're dating someone, you see they got a text message. You're like, ooh, I really want to check. Maybe I'll just check once. I definitely want to follow up pup from this guy, though.

That's for sure. Yeah. Do you still have your job? And if not, why not? And what are you going to do? And was it filing? Yeah. Did you file well your job? And if not, why not? And what are you going to do? And was it filing? Yeah. Did you file well or not?

All right. Do you want to try to Game Boy some more questions? Oh, yeah. Holy shit. I am the Game Boy. He's back. Oh, yeah. Yes, dude.

Yes, dude. Yeah, man. Seize the cheese, man. I love it, dude. Twas a dream, dude. You, dude. Yeah, man. Seize the cheese, man. I love it, dude. Twas a dream, dude. You went too far back. All right. Do you have a name?

Mickey, my friend. Very good. And it's going to be, the word is pipeline. Pipeline. Pipeline. Searching our email. We have thousands of unread emails for the word pipeline. One, two, three, basically.

Not bad. Three emails, yeah. Are they all unread? No, they're all read. So maybe we read it once, they were too long. We read it and we didn't consider it very good. All right, give me the subject lines. Okay.

The dreaded celebrity crush. Okay. Hashtag native probs. Okay. And the beard selfie. Ooh, the beard selfie. The beard selfie. I'm interested beard selfie. The beard selfie. I'm interested in the native probs, too.

So which one? I guess beard selfies is like a little more, sounds like a story. Okay. Yeah. The other one is just shouting out a charity. Really? Yeah, we don't need to do that. All right, ready?

I am. Awful. Somebody's starving to death. I'm like, let's just choose this other one about a beard selfie. That one's related to me because I have a beard. And I'm a selfie. All right, anybody else? A man's name on set that you want to shout out?

Yeah. Alex. Kerna. Right. My name is Alex Kerna. I was at your most recent live show at the Hollywood Improv. It was so much fun. You'll probably best remember me, though,

because I, along with my brother, sat right up front. My brother was The Beard, who you guys talked to for most of the first part of the show. I do remember this. And came by after to take a picture and chat. Anyway, Jake took a selfie with him after we took a group picture, and I joked that it was for Tinder. I was wondering if he could send us that picture. It'd be really hashtag dope

to have it as a memento of the awesome show. Really, it was an honor meeting you guys. We've been watching you since 08. The podcast has given me company on many a drive. Thank you for years of comedy, and good luck with future projects. So the question is, do you have the selfie that you took with this man with a huge beard two years ago? Two years ago? Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'm going to look. Okay. You have photos from that long? I believe I do. You never dump your photos? I do. But? No, I don't dump them. I mean, I back them up, know i dump i don't dump them i i mean i back them up but yeah i don't dump so you have the same pictures in your phone for years and years and years yeah from just before we move i have pictures from the road trip of us moving out to la on my phone holy shit that was

uh in december it'll be four years ago yeah it's kind of. Have you had that phone for four years? No. They transferred. Yeah. And then how long have you had that phone that you're holding? The phone I'm holding right now? Yeah. Can I find out by going to my settings? Oh, it'll tell you when you got your phone? Yeah.

And then you ordered a new phone. It just hasn't gotten here yet. So by the time this episode comes out in like maybe a week or two, you'll be the owner of an iPhone 10. That's right. I already do own the phone. I just don't have it yet. That's my phone. That's my phone.

That's my iPhone. So when people see you on set holding that phone and they're like, is that your phone? What do you say? This one? Yeah. My six? Yeah. I say it's my i say not anymore my phone's in asia right now and it's coming this way and it is the goat this isn't my shit you got actually bobby already got his yeah bobby got his his 10 his 10 though okay so it says what this phone it does not say when i bought it but it's probably two three years old at this Yeah, I think I bought it when we were living on Lafayette. So if you got a picture there from May of 2015, you can send it to this guy?

I guess so. A beard selfie? Where is... And you found it because we searched pipeline? Wait a second. Yeah, this is... It is crazy, but I don't see where this thing is. I don't know if I have it.

Oh, you don't think, you don't think you have it? I'm trying to see like where. Did you take it with your phone? What's that? Did you take it with your phone? Oh my God. You know why pipeline even came up in this email? Why?

Because his email address is pipeline.sbcc.edu. Really? So for whatever reason, the email address for Santa Barbara City College is pipeline. This is such a crazy, the weight that this guy had to go through, the odds of him having an email address

with the word pipeline, the odds of you searching it, then choosing one of three emails, his email to correspond to. You're looking for photos. The fact that you have photos from three years ago in your phone and you're going to get this close and just give up and say, oh, never mind. I can't find it. I'm not giving up. Fuck me.

I don't have it. Can you search by date? Right now I'm searching by location. Where is the Hollywood Improv? Hollywood? Yes, of course. Here's a selfie of me with a beard. I don't know if you've not found it yet.

Well, first I was looking by location. Your new phone has, are you comfortable with me saying 256 gigabytes of storage capacity? Yeah, I'm comfortable with you saying it's 256. I mean, that's a quarter terabyte. You don't have to delete anything. You can take just hours of HD video and not even begin to scrape the halfway point of storage space. That's right. That phone has not only got an edge-to-edge screen,

it's the goat in terms of storage capacity. It is the goat. And I am the goat. And me having it makes me goat-like. Ah! Holy shit. And I don't have the fucking photo. You're eating a can.

It's not here. I think this guy, if you can't find the photo, this is the next best thing, is us recorded for five minutes searching, eagerly anticipating the photo. Yeah, I feel bad for everybody listening that the photo just didn't, it doesn't exist. Yeah, so I'm going to write him an email saying, bad news, couldn't find the photo, good news, we spent probably way too long on the podcast searching for the photo. Yeah.

I'm okay using his real name. Thank you, Jason and Patrick, for writing in asking for the photo. I can't believe I would have, I mean, if I took it, I wouldn't have deleted it. Okay, whatever. All right, let's take a break. I'm going to post that fat key question on my Twitter again, and then we'll take a look at the results as they come in. Cool. We'll be back after these messages.

And we've returned. Wow. What a wild ride that first half was between the you looking for a photo and me wondering how people would eat oatmeal off a key. Yeah. I feel like it was a fool's errand. Wild goose chase.

I wonder what the origin of that story is. Imagine the wild goose that got away. I posted the poll whether people would imagine holding the fat part of the key and eating off the skinny. Holding the skinny part and eating off the fat. You'll be intrigued to know that after 25 votes, holding the fat part and eating off the skinny is winning. It's very interesting to me. It's this weird sociological experiment. I think I'm a genius.

Because you figured it out. Yeah. Yeah, it says something about you that you've imagined eating because it's using the key in the wrong way. But it's like using the key as an instrument. Right. I guess there is... Because you never hold the skinny part and use the fat, whether or not you should, because you're eating off of it.

Yeah, I guess like changing what you're doing with the key. Yeah, changes its purpose, changes its shape. I think it means I have imagination. Yeah. I think that's what it is. I think it means I'm like fucking jacked and I have like a good imagination. Jacked. I was saying smart.

You were saying you tried to sneak in like that you were strong because of that. I mean, thank you. For what? Well, you called me strong. I'm calling you out. I guess like what I'm saying. Yeah, I agree. I'm pretty jacked and then also smart and creative. I wasn't saying that you were pretty jacked. I was saying that

you think that you're pretty jacked. And you're agreeing with what? You? Of course you agreed. That's why you did it. I'm sorry. This whole thing's getting away from us. I think that I'm using the, I'm eating with the fat part of the key. Correct. Which makes me, I don't know, inventive, resilient, resourceful, jacked, smart, quick-witted. Again, why are you looking at me curiously? Don't look at me curiously. Okay. Let's drop it there. We can agree that I'm just jacked and smart. We can agree that you think. And we just move on because we have to do a show. This isn't all about how strong I

am, much as you would probably love that. But thank you for the compliment. If anything, I'm insulting you by saying that you're so insecure that you have to throw in words like that. And you actually are hurting my feelings. Actually, I imagine. Oh. Yeah.

On purpose, I am. Oh, wow. What? You should not attack somebody as fucking jacked as I am wow you should not attack somebody as fucking jackass get off of me I instantly lose the fight holding fat part is pulling away

we're almost up to the same two thirds one third of holding fat part can you do another poll and ask if somebody holding the skinny part eating with the fat part is a genius do I have to join Mens eating with the fat part, is a genius. Do I have to join Mensa? Like, is that a requirement for being a genius? If you don't know, then you shouldn't join.

If you think it's a requirement. No, I'm down. I just, it'll be weird if everybody in Mensa is like, if they're all like a bunch of weakling nerds and I'm just like the strong, hot, jacked guy. You think it's mandatory enrollment? I just don't know. Like an army draft during wartime, you think people are forcibly joining Mensa because they need? If you're so smart, yeah, they're probably like, hey, Jake, we need you. We need all the brainpower we can get right now. And I'm like, guys, I, I didn't ask for this gift. I didn't mean to show you that I was a fucking genius.

Um, I just want to live my life. I'm like, you could live your life and it just, you just still be in Mensa. Like just because you're in Mensa doesn't mean that. I don't know exactly what they do in Mensa. I sort of mentioned it was like a think tank.

I don't know. I would be going to like summits and shit. No, you would not be going to summits. You would not be going to shit. I be going to like summits and shit no you would not be going to summits you would not be going to shit I should go to more summits I've never even been to fucking one summit

I haven't even been to a fucking trade show I'm serious I've never been to a conference how fucking lame is that I went to I went to a freaking car show

when I was 12 I saw this pretty dope Plymouth Prowler yeah a year before it came out. I tried to get my dad to buy a Pontiac. It was a concept car.

And it wasn't even for sale. How about da? Cash her out, Z. How about da? All right, should we try to answer a few more questions? Yeah, let's Game Boy one. I'm going to go with mouse. Nice. You're afraid of mice. Yeah, let's Game Boy one. I'm going to go with mouse. Nice.

You're afraid of mice. It's true. I don't like mice. Especially computer mice. You know what? It's finding too much computer shit. All right. A new one.

What's like mouse but isn't about a computer? Rodent. That's good. Rodent. All right, all right. Two unread rodent emails. Oh. Close.

But there's four red ones. All right, should I read, Fucking hamsters, bro? I have horrible friends. Or help GF from hell. Ooh, this is your call. I'll go help GF from hell. Ooh, this is your call. I'll go help GF from hell. Cool.

Because I bet the GF isn't actually from hell. I bet it's help BF from hell. Yeah. We'll call this guy Jose, whose name I don't know. Does that make me a bad friend? Maybe so. But Jose writes, So, for the past six months,

one of my best friends has this annoying off-again, on-again relationship with this girl who, frankly, with the agreement of our friends, looks like a total train wreck. Putting that aside, she's also really obnoxious and rude towards my friend, often sending him and his family really hurtful messages. His family?

That's right. To sum up, she's a really awful rodent of a girl, and my friend keeps going back to her. So when she asks me what I think of her, I simply don't know what to say. Should I come clean and tell him what we all think about her and tell him that he's making a mistake? Or should I keep my opinion to myself and hope the relationship fades out? Love the show. Thanks. Jose. Okay. Okay, Jose.

It sounds a little bit like you might be just jealous of your friend spending more time with somebody else. It's always tricky at first when somebody gets a new girlfriend. There's like a tiny bit of resentment. And sometimes that can be too much resentment, I think, especially when people are younger and you have an expectation of way more time spent

with your friends. Right. I think what's hurting his case is the fact that he calls her ugly because then it's like, it seems like this weird personal vendetta. Yeah. So if you're ugly and you call her ugly and you say she's obnoxious and then you say that she's mean to you, and that might be stemming from you being mean to her. So if you're going to

tell him anything, you got to get rid of the physical because that seems to be subjective. And then focus just on the fact that she's rude towards your friend. But I think that she's rude towards your friend because you guys think she's ugly and annoying. Like, there's... You think the guy writing in is inherently biased. I think that this could have been a toxic environment for everybody, and now, like, you're saying that she's a bad person

when, like, you've... I'm not saying it's your fault, but you've helped to foster this energy that is a little bit, it's negative. You're in this negative space. Yeah, zone. Nothing feels good. So when she sends a rude text to your friend's mother. Of course. Which is odd.

You're looking at it through shit-colored glasses. Yeah, the opposite of rose-colored glasses. That's right. So you're saying, don't say anything. You think he's wrong or something. I think that it's probably not. I don't think that you can influence it, is what it really comes down to. It's a pretty common question we get. It's like, I don't like that you can influence it is what it really comes

down to. Yeah, it's a pretty common question we get. It's like, I don't like my friend's girlfriend. Can I say something about it? And it's hard because most of the times you can't. But what about like the one, the few times where this person is actually mean and bad and you have to extract your friend from her? I think by and large, bad relationships have to, and eventually do, run their course. Yeah. And I don't think...

If it's truly bad, this guy won't want to be in it. Right. So you can't... I don't think you can really expedite the process. I think you have to let it happen. But when he's out of it, it's sort of like a reward-based instead of discipline-based raising a dog or something. When he's out of the relationship,

that's time to celebrate, be happy, show him how good life is without a bad girlfriend. All right. There you have it. Here's another email we got that was kind of interesting. It said, I highly recommend that you read Act 4, Scene 2 of Macbeth in the mother voice. High highly recommend that you read Act 4, Scene 2 of Macbeth in the mother voice.

Highly recommend that you reenact? Read Act 4, Scene 2 of Macbeth in your mother voice. Act 4, Scene 2 of Macbeth. You think we can find that online? Okay, so I'll be Lady Macduff, and you read Ross in the mother voice. You, ooh, mother Is that what it is? Mother

Oh, mother Mother All right, so I'll be Lady Macduff, ready? Okay What had he done to make him fly the land? You must have patience, madame He had none His flight was madness

When our actions do not Our fears do make us traitors. You know not whether it was his wisdom or his fear. Maybe add mother to the end. Mother. Yeah. Wisdom to leave his wife, to leave his babies, his mansion and his titles in a place. Her young ones in her nest against the owl. All is the fear and nothing is the love.

As little as the wisdom where the flight so runs against all reason. My dearest mother, I pray you should cool yourself, but for your husband, mother, he is noble, wise, judicious, and best knows, mother. The fits of thy season I dare not speak much further, mother, but cruel are the times when we are traitors and do not know ourselves when we hold further, mother. But cruel are the times when we are traitors and do not know ourselves when we hold rumor, mother. From what we fear, yet we know

not what we fear, mother, but float upon a wild and violent sea, mother. Each way and none I take my leave of you, mother. Shall not be long, but I'll be here again, mother. Things at the worst will cease or else climb upward, mother.

But what they were before, my pretty mother. Blessing upon you, mother. That's got to be how Shakespeare intended it. Like, I'm sorry, but you're absolutely... That was all to his... Lady Macduff was his cousin. You're leading... What?

It says cousin a couple times in that. Whatever. Oh, you know why? Because later the son starts talking and he says, as birds do. That's where this guy got his idea. Oh, wait. So read that part as Ross. Do you see... Are you on his idea. Oh, wait. So read that part.

As Ross. DC, are you on page two? Oh, wait. I think so. As birds do, mother. Yes. Oh, it's son. That's what it is.

Not Ross. Yeah. Sarai, your father is dead. And what will you do now? How will you live? Wait, are you? No, you do it. You're son. Okay. I'll

be son. And this time I'm not, I'm not adding mother. I'm just going to read the actual mothers. Okay, good. Sarah, your father's dead. And what will you do now? How will you live? As birds do, mother. What with worms and flies? With what I get, I mean, so do they. Poor bird. Thou'dst never fear the net nor lime, the pitfall nor the gin. Why should I, mother? Poor birds they are not set for. My father is not dead. For all you saying.

Yes, he is dead. How wilt thou do for a father? Nay, how will you do for a husband? And so on. Mother. We should do a podcast where we just read all of Shakespeare. That's a fun idea, but we don't know how. This guy does say mother a lot.

Was my father a traitor, mother? That's what you could ask your mom. I don't even know the answer. What? He is a traitor. Why? He's a Benedict frigging Cumberbatch. That's fine. What? He is a traitor. Why? He's a Benedict frigging Cumberbatch.

That's fine. He's a very talented actor. Right, right, right, right. All right. One last question. What do you got? Twig. Ooh.

And? Two. Two email questions with the word twig. One, help, I moved from a new state and now I'm fat. Or my teeny weenie. I guess let's do the fat one. We talk about small dicks all the time. Alright.

A lady. By the way, if your dick's small, that's fine. Just know how to work it. Know how to work other things. You're good. Alright, 20-year-old girl, know how to work other things. You're good. General. All right, 20-year-old girl. We'll call her Carly.

Carly writes, I recently moved from the Midwest, where I've lived my whole damn life, to freaking Arizona. Sweet, right? Wrong. I stick out like a sore thumb here. Let me explain. Back in the Midwest, everyone's a little chubby. I mean, not morbidly obese or some shit, but a little chubby. I credit the delicious home-cooked meals and a hot dish, of course. Anyway, I'm a little chubby, too.

I'm not riding on a disability scooter, but I definitely don't have a thigh gap or that shit. Think Peter Paul Rubin's painting of woman. Little bit of a tummy pudge, nice thighs, great boobs. The issue is down here in Satan's armpit. Everyone's a goddamn twig, and the guys are way too short. This leads me to my question. Twig, nice. I'm sick of, oh yeah, goddamn twig.

I'm sick of being single. I haven't dated anyone in three years. I'm a 20-year-old virgin, not that I care that much, and I want a relationship or even some goddamn friends, you know? But the issue is that no guys will even talk to me, mother. Tall, non-creepy looking ones at least. And this situation has made my self-esteem so low that I'm afraid to even talk to me, mother. Tall, non-creepy looking ones at least. And this situation has made my self-esteem so low that I'm afraid to even talk to anyone. I feel like a

beached whale surrounded by so many fucking models in the middle of a goddamn desert. Like I said, I'm not unhealthy. I could hike up a mountain with no trouble if it wasn't so goddamn hot here. I've just got some flubber. Anyway, tell me what the fuck to do Because if I have to spend one more Friday night Hold up in my room watching Love Actually From the 50th time I'm gonna smash a TV or something Help me out, thanks Okay

Well first of all, you can't spend another Friday Watching Love Actually for the 50th time You can only watch Love Actually for the 50th time once Alright, that's our show And that is the advice you needed to hear That's beautiful You can only watch Love Actually for the 50th time once. All right, that's our show. And that is the advice you needed to hear. It's beautiful in a way. So, what's the recommendation here?

It sounds like she's happy with her body and finding a boyfriend, which is what she wants. But there's a possibility that it's your attitude and the fact that you stay in on Friday nights. That's the reason you're not meeting anybody. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're not. a boyfriend if you're watching TV by yourself every Friday. I just assume at one point the actors will emerge from the TV and ask me out.

At the very least a Hugh Grant type. You saw what happens in Love Actually. They're sitting at home and somebody comes and knocks on the door.

Is that true? It's the most fucking romantic thing in the world. Yeah, I think that's the scene where like Andrew Lincoln has like the poster board that you always see. It's like, I just want you to know I love you and I always will.

But he can't talk because she's in the house with her husband or something. That's seemingly very cruel what that guy did. That thief, that love thief showed up and silently tried to woo a woman away from her husband. Her husband walks through the window like, hey, what's... Oh! Oh, shit, I bought posters! Fuck! I have to return this to an art store.

I have a lot of poster board, man. This one just says, hi, buddy, in case you came out. But I guess you saw... Yeah, I can read it. Yeah, you were on the bottom floor looking as well. Fuck. Shit.

That's what we should do for Lonely and Horny season three is I hold up a boombox. It drops on your head. Just plays a podcast instead of a song. Hold up a boombox

with an auxiliary cord into your phone. Do you have a fucking two-way aux? Because the cable's all like... An Amazon tap that won't pair. A Beats pill.

All it does is play Radiolab. So you're saying, go out. If you don't think your body is negative or bad, then there's somebody out there that will agree with you. And if everybody's one way, you'll stand out maybe in a good way. Yeah. Totally. If somebody likes that, then there's not a lot of that in Arizona. There's somebody for everybody.

That's right. You're a unique little bird in Arizona. Right. And like she said, she's not unhealthy. So what's the issue? The issue is, like Jake said, you're staying in your room Friday night and hold up watching Love Actually for the 50th time get out there definitely get out there

make some friends and then you'll I think that it's definitely hard to move to a new city and then like instantly find love and that's not even something you want to do because then you like only have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you get plugged into with their friends but you don't have your own life.

I think find hobbies, find things that you like doing and make friends and then meet, uh, other guys through that. There you have it. Um, all right, we're out of time again.

Thank you to everybody that's written in. Thank you to everybody that's listened. Thank you to Aiden for writing that opening theme song. And this closing one is written by Alex Silvanus, so thank you to him. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own anything, send it all to ifiwereyoushow

at gmail.com ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com Mother. See you next week. That's what I saw, so you do. Welcome to the show by Jake and me.

They won't always say what you want to hear. But if you listen, you might just seize the cheese. Oh, welcome to the show host about to choose They'll tell you what you should do No matter what your problems may be Maybe it's girls, maybe it's boys Maybe the neighbors are making too much noise Whatever it is, they know just what to do.

So tune into If I Were You. Show.com What's the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.