Segments - 304: Why Won't You Date Me (w/Nicole Byer!)

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Friend and Comedian Nicole Byer joins us to discuss rejection, dating apps, and her new HeadGum podcast!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you. Write, write, write an email Send it to these clowns This podcast is an advice show The only one on the internet Hosted by Ace and Jocelyn And sometimes our reluctant guest Oh, if I were you show

At gmail.com Okay, that's the email If I were you show.com Okay, that's the website If I were you the podcast show Okay, let's get going If I were you The podcast show Okay, let's get going If I were you Starts now

Wow. Best theme song ever. It really is. You should use it as your actual theme song for forever. I know, that's the problem. We started this shtick of using original theme songs since it's a little bit like, oh, we can't choose.

We've got to keep testing, sampling ones out. And we've gotten some great ones over the years. We have over 300 episodes. We have like 500, 600 theme songs. I love the YouTube compilation playlist of all the best ones. Reddit, if you're listening. And I know you are. That one, Nicole Byer, I should introduce you.

That one. Oh, yeah, that's me. Was written by a band called Dear Lincoln, which is a good name for a band. Oh, they're a band? I thought this was one person. That's cheating. So it was a band. Cheating?

If it's a band? It's cheating. Stairway to Heaven is a... That's cheating. Actually, I don't know who wrote... I always talk about

Stairway to Heaven on this fucking podcast. To be fair, it was written by one guy and he's in a band. Is that still cheating? Yeah, because he used the resources of a band

to make a song. That's what bands do. So all songs are cheating for you? No. Theme songs, a theme song challenge and you're going to use your band? No. What if there's one person out there who's like, I want to make a theme song but they don't have a band. So this is the second theme song we submitted. It's a

Shake Senora Beetlejuice song parody. The first one was the Scooby Dooby Doo one. That was another great one. Do you have it? I do. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. You want to close with it maybe?

Then you can hear it at the end? No, let's hear it now, dude. We're talking about it. Yeah. Because we'll forget about it by the end. Here it is. Ready? We could talk over this one.

That's great. This one's also good, right? They're cheaters. Yeah. They got a whole band. I'm about to get into Dear Lincoln. I'm going to actually get into their band. That should be the rule. If you make two theme songs that I really like, I listen to your band now.

It is a good... I listen to their band. Are they on iTunes? DearLincoln.com or Facebook.com slash Deer Lincoln. Won't go to either of those places. I said iTunes. Do you know if it's Spotify? That's it.

That's it. You're over here. Spotify? They probably have Spotify. At this point, you gotta. All right, well, I'm gonna search. Nicole Byer. Do we have to do the podcast?

Let's just fucking listen to music. Let's just listen to them. Over and over. Nicole, you're our newest HeadGum podcaster. Hi, hi, hi. It's me. We get a lot of excited potential hosts coming in here, and then they have an idea, but they don't really execute. You came in here like two months ago with an awesome idea, and we're like, let's do it.

And you fucking are doing it. I am. I'm doing it. You have close to 20 episodes recorded before we even release. You're a machine. You have a teaser episode, theme song, picture. We've never been as organized as we are when you're at the helm of a show. Really?

Yeah, you are kicking ass for us, so we appreciate it. Also, every time we have a guest on our podcast, we get a text like, sorry, I'm late, and you just were on time. Yeah. Was I on time? Are you good at being organized? No, I'm not. I'm very bad on time. Yeah. Was I on time? Are you good at being organized? No, I'm not. I'm very bad at it. Are you just being self-deprecating?

Are you actually? No, no, I'm terrible at organization. I'm terrible at following through on things. So how are you such a hard worker? But I have ADHD, and if I have one thing to focus on, I can do that. That's easy. I see. So it's all about having that one thing.

So this podcast is your one thing. Yeah, I was like wrapping up my show. Yeah, you're also working on a show. You're lying to me. Okay, so two things. I'm great at like having a professional life and doing things professionally. But like my personal life, oh boy, it's in shambles. Which is what this podcast is about.

I have no man in my life. Yeah, it's called Why Won't You Date Me? And I'm trying to figure out why no one will date me. Well, it's kind of related to our show because our show is an advice show, I should say. Yeah, we get a lot of questions like, why won't anyone date me? Oh, dear. We get emails. It's called If I Were You.

It's an advice show hosted by me and Jake. Sometimes just us. Sometimes we have friends in the house. Nicole, that person, or that guest today is you. Is me. Congratulations. Hey, I feel so honored. And your show, by the time this episode comes out, is live guest today, is you. Is me! Congratulations. Hey, I feel so honored. And your show, by the time this episode comes out, is live.

Your show is live. Yeah! Why Won't You Date Me? You can listen to episode one on HeadGum.com or iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, we should say. So, listen to that. Do you want to do the quick pitch about what your show is? My show is called Why Won't You Date Me?

And I interview people I've hooked up with and other comedians and just friends in general. And I talk to them about their issues with dating or their successes with dating. And then we talk about why I'm unsuccessful at dating. And then I ask them why they won't date me. And then they give me a very real answer that sometimes hurts my feelings. So you're talking to people who you hooked up with, who have then moved on and have good relationships. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really great. It feels good. Yeah. That sounds like my worst nightmare. It's actually pretty interesting. Would you do that, Jake? It's kind of cathartic.

Would you do that? Interview somebody that I hooked up with? Yeah. No. God. But I would like somebody else to do it and me be there. Oh. I wouldn't know.

I wouldn't want questions to ask. Would I be like, was that fun? Do you want it to be private though? You don't want to actually publicize the answers. Well, unless they're like awesome. Yeah. So you want somebody to host a show that's private unless it's good about you, public, in which they, but not you,

interview people you hooked up with, asking questions that you want to know the answers to, but don't have the courage to ask themselves. You're putting words in my mouth when you say that's what I want. I'd say that sounds cool. Yeah. I like that. If that's what you're offering, yes.

Yeah. You're not going to go out of the way to make me do that. Give me a list. Give me a list of all the ladies you fucked. Just go to twitter.com slash jkerr. It's following. Yeah, and then it's one by one. I don't think so.

I only follow, actually. A few politics writers that I did make out with in eighth grade. That's right. I hooked up with David Frum. Do you follow political people on Twitter? Are you off that? Sure.

Don't. Actually, no. I do follow Camilla Harris and Cory Booker. A couple of, you know, prominent Democrats. Oh, yeah. Everyone that's running in 2020.

All right. So let's try to answer a few of these questions. Questions. These are real questions from real people, but we're going to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. So this is.

Wait. Do they ask you to give them fake names or do you just do that? We do it just to not out them. Half of them ask. Yeah. Oh, okay. And we don't want to risk it. So if you have a fake girl's name, we can reference this lady as.

Do you have one? It could be anything. Juanita. That's good. have one? It could be anything. Juanita. That's good. Last name? Sneaker. Great. The last name rarely comes up, but it's good to know.

Okay. Juanita Sneaker writes, Hey guys, so I matched with this dude on Tinder and we started talking. He was the first guy that could actually hold a conversation with me and we eventually met up. We hung out every other day and talked on Snapchat constantly. He was always so excited to see me. After a week of hanging out, we fucked and it was amazing.

Or so I thought. When I went home that day, I didn't hear from him at all. No snaps, no texts. When I snapped him later that night, he took a while to respond and was very short with me. From then on, we talked only once a day. And I usually was the one who started the conversation.

Yesterday, he asked to meet up and I was pumped. I went to his place and sat on his bed. He didn't even sit next to me the entire time. We just watched TV and smoked weed. He seemed so disinterested. I don't even know why he asked me to hang out. Why do you think he's being like this? I thought things were going great, and I wanted him to be a fuck buddy at the very least.

Haven't heard from him since I left yesterday, and I want to ask him what the fuck is up. But I don't want to seem psycho. I'm pretty much sad about it because I have no one else to hang out with. Please help. Oh, no. I need a sneaker. So what do you think? I think this dude wanted to fuck.

He got what he wanted and he moved on. I don't think you're a psycho for saying, what's up? Why aren't we hanging out? Yeah. Because then you'll have your answer. If he goes, I moved on, then you're like, all right, I got to let it go. Yeah. Is it good to have closure or would you rather just be like, I'm going to fade away too and

if he does it too Then we can avoid That entire conversation I have a podcast Where I talk to people I fucked And ask them why They don't date me I love closure You love the answers

I love knowing why Is the answer similar From person to person Or is it different What Are the answers different From person to person They've been pretty different

Some people are just like I didn't feel I didn't feel it. I was like, okay, cool. Can you change anything? It's not you, it's me thing. Yeah, and some of them were like, it's you. And that's fine. That's absolutely fine.

It's not you, it's me. Often it's me and it's you. And you weren't good for me, and I wasn't interested in you. It's never me, all me, and not you. It's because he doesn't like her. Juanita, he doesn't like you. And that sucks to hear, but he doesn't. But then sometimes Juanita doesn't like somebody else.

Yeah, Juanita, you probably won't like everybody. He's not as good as you think he is. No offense, men are trash. No offense. All of them. You guys seem very nice. No, no, I'm trash. But you're not.

We're just nice trash. You're at the top of the dumpster. Yeah, we're like a clean but empty can of LaCroix. That's a good one. Yeah, the tab has been broken off, but it's fine-ish. So that means you're recycling. Yeah. That's a nice thing to do.

Which is good. I'm trash. You're compost. Yeah. Oh, compost? Yeah, you're a. Yeah. That's a nice thing to do. Which is good. I'm trash. You're compost. Yeah. Oh, compost? Yeah, you're a brown paper bowl. But that, I mean, that's like the best thing

for the earth. Right. I think I'm a styrofoam piece of... No! I'm a styrofoam cup that a bum shit in. No! I am!

No, I am! No! I really am a styrofoam bum toilet. Here's the question that I have. If the answer is the same, whether she hears it from him or not, if he is not interested in you, whether he says it or whether she just assumes it,

is there any difference? There is no difference, but there are some people who just need to hear it from the source so they don't wonder about it anymore. But do you feel like this guy would be honest enough to say, you know what, it's just not right right now. I don't like you for whatever reason. Or would he be like, no, no, I'm into it.

I'm just super busy at work. But then you also have your answer. If someone's super busy to see you, that means they don't want you. Because I know when I like someone, I make time to see them. So there's three different things that could happen. Is one,

she never hears from him again. Yes. If she doesn't reach out. Two, she asks him what the deal is. And he says, I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

And three, she asks him what the deal is. And he lies and says, I like you, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested. And three, she asks him what the deal is, and he lies and says, I like you, but I'm super busy, and then she has to use her deductive reasoning too. But they're all the same one answer, which is that he doesn't like you anymore. Yeah.

And also, if you're chasing a dude, why? Like, why? Because I think it happens at the end. She says, I'm pretty sad because I have no one else to hang out with. But she met this guy on Tinder. Right. He was the only one.

Here, Juanita, leave your house. Go into the world and make a friend. It's all about putting all your eggs into more than one basket. Because when you have so much relying on one person, that's when, like, it's kind of like work. You have to have multiple projects happening to keep you busy. Because when one inevitably stalls, goes slow, like halts. You have something else to work on. That's right.

Are you the same way? Are you more of a quantity person when it comes to these dating apps? Are you even on these dating apps? Oh, boy. I'm on Tinder. I'm on Bumble. Raya rejected me, and I'm on Hinge. What?

Raya rejected you? Oh, yeah, baby. That's bad. Try it again. Like a year and a half ago. Oh, you'd get on now. You can't try again. You can't rejected you? Oh yeah, baby. That's bad. When? Like a year and a half ago. You can't try again. You can't try again? Nope. You go to the app and it goes, thank you for your interest. You are on a waiting list. That's crazy. You have to get a new phone.

I gotta get a food. No, I think it's your email address. I don't know what I would have to do. So of those apps, which one do you use the most? Which one do you like the least? I don't like Bumble. You don't like that of those apps, which one do you use the most? Which one do you like the least? I don't like Bumble. You don't like that one? No.

Nobody talks to me on Bumble. I've only had one conversation. You have to talk to them. I know. But you'll match with them and then you'll go, hi, hi, hi. And then they go, no. I talked to somebody recently who also didn't like Bumble. And I was really surprised because I thought that Bumble was the hip new one that weeds out the douchebags. But she's like, I don't want to do all the work.

Yeah, you have to do all the work. And then they still get to not answer you. So which one is the best in your eyes? I guess Tinder, even though everyone's a fucking dumpster on it. Truly. Also, everyone's very ugly. I've seen nice ones with potatoes. Everyone is just disgusting.

And then I started talking to this guy on Hinge. We talked for like five days. And then finally I was like, I'll just ask him out. So I asked him out. And then he just disappeared. He deleted me. And I was like, what was the point? Why do we waste each other's time?

Do some people just like conversating with strangers? Maybe. But he was also like into comedy so like I don't know if he like knew who I was and was like, ooh,

it's fun to talk to her but then he was like, I can't fuck her. You just wanted to ask Kat tickets. Yeah. I'm dying to get to the UCB.

I don't know. What about IRL? Do you have any success, more success than that? In real life. Yeah. Yeah, if I go to a bar

and get really drunk it's very easy to find a friend for the night. Is it? As a lady, I've always been curious about that. Oh, yeah, you just truly, you're just like, hello, do you want a drink? And usually he's like, yes, please. And then you go, all right, do you want to fuck? And they go, yes, please. You just say that at a bar?

Do you want to fuck? Absolutely. That's how you get what you want. No one's ever said that to me. I've always wanted that to happen. You've never had a woman. Do you want to fuck? Absolutely. That's how you get what you want. No one's ever said that to me. Really? I always wanted that to happen. You've never had a woman be like, let's fuck? I've like fucked. I had sex before.

I've actually had sex. I'm actually good. Have you? I've had like those. I've had stuff like that happen. I've met somebody who'd left a bar, like fucked in a bathroom or something. But I've never. And did you initiate it?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess so. Or like they initiate. But never. And you, did you initiate it? Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess so. Or like they, they initiate, but never with like a, hey,

let's fuck. Like no one's ever like whispered that to me. Like, let's get out of here. Oh, don't even whisper it. Let's, excuse me.

What's your, uh, success rate with a, let's fuck. Are you ever getting rejected? It's like very rarely. Yeah. I had one friend reject me.

Who's like a, a friend of mine. Oh, a friend. Who was like, no, Nicole, absolutely not. And I was like, okay, you're lost. He was like, not really, we're friends. What's the closest or what's the shortest distance between meeting and hey, let's fuck? There was this guy I met in a tiki bar. The tiki bar on Sunset.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Tiki Tea? Yes. It's a very small bar. Very, very tiny. Probably the size of the studio. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's so small.

We talked for maybe a half hour. And I was like, you live alone? And he's like, why? And I was like, because I won't fuck. And he's like, let's go. Wow. Half hour, that's a long time. Half hour?

I think half hour. I mean, it's not like- Half hour's not a long time from meeting to saying, hey, let's fuck? That's pretty short. I've definitely done less time than that. Oh. Really?

But never with the, hey, let's, like never with the cool. So what? You like blink at someone and her like tits are out? What do you mean? Like some sort of,

what's that? Well, fuck. What's the gypsy, the genie show? I dream of genie. Oh. Yeah, but with the tits going out. Have you ever had sex with somebody

without saying a word to them? No. Are you kidding? How? Have you done that? I think so. If you meet somebody on a dance floor, you're dancing, you're dancing, it's loud, you start making out, and then you go to the bathroom. No, that's never happened.

You ever had sex in a bar bathroom? No. I've had sex. That's where I lost my virginity. In a bar bathroom? Yeah, I was 18 or 19. I lost it late. Wow in a bar bathroom? No. I've had sex. That's where I lost my virginity. In a bar bathroom? Yeah, I was 18 or 19. I lost it late. Wow.

A bar bathroom. Yeah, it was at a restaurant called Purnima. It's on season one, episode two of Kitchen Nightmares. Okay. And my roommate worked there, and I met this guy named Elvis. Awesome. And Elvis and I were talking for like 10 minutes, and then I was like, let's go in the bathroom. I was like, fuck. And then I did that. let's go in the bathroom. I was like, fuck.

And then I did that. So 10 minutes, that's less than 30? Oh, there we go. Yeah, 10 minutes. And then I got a job at that place. A blow job. I guess they liked my moves. So if you have this magical power, to put it lightly, you can say, hey, let's fuck.

And more often than not, it would happen. What's the appeal of any of these apps? Why are you chatting, talking, swiping, wasting time? Oh, because I'm trying to, I don't know, I'm 30. Oh, you want a relationship, not just sex. Yes, a partner, if you will. Got it. Her podcast is called Why Won't You Date Me, not Why Won't You Fuck Me.

Yeah, I can get fucked so easily. It's very easy. Is it less exciting now that you realize how easy it is? Or is it still always a little exciting? The first time you have sex with someone isn't great. It's not always wonderful. I want that fourth time where you're like, oh yeah, you know what I want. Got it.

The last guy I fucked had a lizard in his room and a lukewarm hot tub. It talked about how Trump was a good businessman. And I was like, I should leave, but I drove 25 minutes, so I'm gonna get it. So I just want someone who's a normal person. What percentage of your hey, let's fucks do you fuck another time several days later?

Oh, it's very low. Very low. I would say like 20%. Oh, yeah. Because a lot of times they're idiots. Right. And the more time you spend with someone, the more you have to talk to them,

and you're like, ugh. Because most humans are. This is bad. Can you, can you, are you capable of overlooking idiocy, or does that ruin it for you? No, it ruins it. Because then I don't want to be like rolling my eyes

while you're like licking my puss and coming up to say something dumb. I'm like, ugh. This isn't fun. You are honest. Marissa was right. I'm a very honest person. It's perfect.

Perfect for the podcast. My mind is blown that I took my shirt off during that podcast. Yeah, you did. I said I was honest during Gaber's High and Mighty, and I took my shirt off. I wonder why. You did a power hour. You drank 60 beers in an hour. No. 60?

60 shots of beer. 60 shots of beer in one hour. And you had shown up to that place drunk. And I had already had three vodka sodas, and I think I drank all of his maker's mark during it, and I chugged a beer. That's too much. Oh, baby, I was trying to die. No, sometimes I'm having too much fun

and can't say no to myself. Too much fun. Just having the time of my life. Yeah, poisoning yourself. I feel that. Have you had alcohol since then? That was about a week ago. Oh, absolutely.

I probably drank every night since. Okay. But not like a stupid amount, like just some wine here and there. Yeah, a normal amount. Or a nice vodka soda. Yeah, you don't have to do that. A nice vodka soda.

A nice tall glass. A pint glass of lukewarm vodka soda. A nice, yes. That was my drink in my early 20s. Vodka soda? Like a pint glass of vodka with a splash of soda. Oh, yeah. A pint glass of vodka.

I used to drink vodka water. Yeah, I can't do vodka water. I need at least a little bubble. Yeah, carbonated. Vodka water, no ice. Vodka carbonated vodka. That's like diluted vodka. That seems not right.

Can I get a straight out analogy? Yeah. A lukewarm vodka water in a dusty plastic bottle. And what does the lady want? Just to bring us back to this question. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I want to ask him what the fuck is up, but I don't want to seem like a psycho. You're saying you can ask and not seem like a psycho.

I mean, if he infers that you're a psycho, then that's on him. But also, maybe you've done other things, and that's why you think you're going to come off as a psycho. But honestly, I don't know how old you are, but adults can ask adults questions. Yeah, that's right. I think she can ask, but you also already know the answer. Yes, you know.

So it's a matter of if you personally need closure, then go ahead and ask. Yeah, do you want to hear unsaved? But if you want to hear us just tell you that this is over, then yeah. Yeah. And you already know it's over too. You know, wanting a sneaker, you know. But if there's a chance to resuscitate it, does it happen if she doesn't say anything?

No, leave it alone. Like, why would you want to go through that again? It's just going to happen again. Right. If he wants it, he'll pursue it later. Right. Even if she asks, why don't you date me? If she goes, why won't you date me?

And he's just like, oh, whatever answer. Then it goes away. And then he comes back into her life. Now she has the choice to be like, you know what? No, I don't want that again. Oh, the resurface. Or, yes, I do want that again. Have you had any resurfacers on your podcast?

Not on my podcast, no. But in your life? Yes, in my life. But I won't have him on the podcast because he's crazy. Whoa, it's a single dude? Yes, in my life. But I won't have him on the podcast because he's crazy. Whoa, it's a single dude. Yes, he's insane. You should start another podcast just to talk about him.

Put it behind a pillow. I mean, honestly, I've just talked about him so much in therapy. You gotta bring a microphone to those, man. I'm telling you. Another podcast. You're always hustling. Do you think you would get in trouble if you did that? Therapists can't.

There's no client-to-client confidentiality. I can repeat anything I said to a therapist publicly. Could you get in trouble for airing your therapist's voice? Probably. You'd probably just have to ask them. But they would be like,

no. It's unethical no right yeah don't don't okay just record your voice i'll be the therapist okay we'll re-record it as though i said that would be pretty funny yeah that's legal question mark because my therapist is like a 40 year old white lady so it'd be very funny for you to say the things that she's saying i don't not look like a 40 a lot of people think i look like rachel maddow who's a 40 year old white lady. So it'd be very funny for you to say the things that she's saying. I don't not look like a 40. A lot of people think I look like Rachel Maddow, who's a 40 year old white lady. That's very funny. I can pass for a 40 year old white lady. Doesn't 40 sound like the perfect age for Rachel Maddow

if you had to guess? I would say 38. No, you wouldn't. She's like at least 42, 43. Rachel Maddow age according to Google. I've been surprised by Don Lemon, though. I'm going to look it up. 44. Ooh, dang. There we go. She looks good. Rachel Maddow age according to Google I've been surprised by Don Lemon I'm gonna look it up 44 She looks good

And she was born on April Fool's Day Oh dang We're also the same height Are you Rachel Maddow? I don't know that's what I'm thinking You might be Alright let's take a break we'll thank some sponsors And then we'll come back And try to answer some more questions.

We dove real deep, but we'll come back out and answer some more stuff. And we're back. All right. Back with Nicole. We mentioned it briefly, but are you having fun doing your podcast? I am having fun. You've already recorded probably close to four or five months worth of episodes, but are you going to keep the party going?

No, I'm going to take a little break for now. I gonna record one today oh shit one more because i was already here somebody that you hooked up with no i've the people i've hooked up with i think i've been able to record all the ones that i can yeah because some people are like it's too personal i recorded one with a guy i hooked up with and then he recently was like can we not air that wow and i was like can you just like listen to it And tell me what you don't like about it And then he was like just none of it But he made like He said the funniest thing that I loved

That I was like this is why I just want to air it I was like why wouldn't you date me And he was like spinning his wheels And he was like oh this reason this reason I was like you can't hurt my feelings And he goes oh okay well I didn't think you respected yourself And I was like, oh, this reason, this reason. I was like, you can't hurt my feelings. And he goes, oh, okay, well, I didn't think you respected yourself. And I was like, okay. Shit.

All right. That's okay. And I was like, I really loved that moment. And now no one's going to hear it unless I repeat it a bunch of times. Starting now. God, the podcast sounds so real. I'm excited to listen to it. I haven't heard any of it.

It is very real. I was telling my sister about it. She was like, I think this is exciting for you because people can see another side of you. My sister's a very small woman. Oh. And she loves Jesus and she speaks very quietly. Oh, really? Wow.

We're very different. Opposites almost. Yeah, I hate Jesus and I'm loud. And she's white, right? She's very white. She's Rachel Maddow. She is. You're my sister?

Finally. We can talk about it. And what's your show? What show are you working on at the same damn time? What? For Facebook. Oh. I was like, I'm doing what?

You don't even remember. Exactly, Nicole. The second season will be on Facebook either in December or in January or another month of 2018. Yeah, or never. Or never. And that's the universe. And I don't know. I don't know.

No one's told me anything. We're all wrapped up. I'm waiting for two more episodes to get delivered, and I can give my notes on them. It's been wild. Where was season one? Season one is on Facebook. Oh, and season two, it's already come out, and then season two is coming on Facebook.

Yes. Wow. So season one was on MTV. It got canceled. And then Facebook bought it. And then we re-edited some episodes for Facebook. And then, yeah, they're streaming now. You can see them.

If you go to the Watch tab on Facebook, they have not explained this to anyone yeah Facebook is slowly rolling out people constantly are like Facebook has content original content they have so much content yeah they have all the content it's wild how much content they have that they're not telling anybody about yeah but yeah you just

go to the watch page and type in loosely exactly Nicole you can watch the first episode and then make sure you go back to the page to watch the second episode because it doesn't autoplay. Of course not. It's great. Would you say that's your biggest note if you

had to tweak one thing about Facebook? Yeah, just let autoplay happen on episodes of shows. It seems like they'd want that too. You would think that. Have you been to the Facebook headquarters up in Palo Alto, is it? No, but I've been to a satellite headquarter in Mara Vista. Down here.

Yes, you have to sign in with your Facebook page. Wow. What if you don't have one? I don't know. I don't think you can go. My brother started working at Facebook so long ago. It was like the big thing when he started working there was, will Facebook or MySpace win that rivalry?

Oh, well, I guess. Who did win? MySpace. Definitely MySpace. We all have our MySpace pages where music auto plays. Music auto plays. Wow. You guys have no idea what MySpace.com is right now,

but it looks like the home screen to Yahoo. Oh, really? have no idea what MySpace.com is right now. But it looks like the home screen to Yahoo. Oh, really? There's still a MySpace.com? Where is Tom? Tom works at Facebook. Does he? Yeah. Wait, does he really? No. That would be hilarious. That'd be like the Sprint man who now works for

Verizon. No, the Verizon man who now works for Sprint. Oh, that's right. It's wild. Can you hear me now? Yeah. It's disgusting. Can you hear that? Motherfucker. All right,

let's get back to these questions. Ooh, I hope it's a juicy one. This one is slightly less juicy, but it's from a college-age student. Do you have a guy's name

for him? I do. His name is Jornato Marcus. That's really good. Jornato. Jornato Marcus. That's cool. I like that.

You would think it would be Marcus Jornato. That's Marcus comma Jornato. The question is, I regularly keep seven types of cheeses on hand at home. Is that excessive? If it matters, the seven cheeses are Mexican four cheese blend, shredded mozzarella... So we're talking about 11 cheeses there.

Sorry. If it's a four cheese blend, then you have 11 cheeses on hand. Not unless they exist within the other six. Shredded mozzarella, cheddar provolone, creamy Swiss, parmesan, and of course, the goat. Goat. The goat cheese.

Gruyere. Thoughts on cheeses, Nicole? Gross. Seven too many. What is he doing with these fucking cheeses? What? I don't. Okay.

I don't like raw cheese, which is what I call cold cheese. I only like it melted, which is cooked cheese. I only like melted slash cooked cheeses. Raw cheese? This is the craziest thing you've said on the podcast so far. You talked about hate fucking a guy. Yeah, I don't like raw cheese. I think it's gross. The texture of

shredded cheese, and then sometimes it gets under your nails. It's gross to me. But if you melt the cheese and it becomes hot, then you're into it? That's great. It's gooey and you pull it and it doesn't get stuck anywhere. Yeah, it changes the makeup of cheese when you melt it. The shit happens to cheese. It's not like

oh, it's just hot now. No, no. It's a different texture. It is. It seems like the grosser one is the slimy or liquidy melted cheese. No, i love it a good pizza yum yum i like a i like a hard cheese that was melted like a nice congealed like day old quesadilla oh sure that's great like that's my shit that's great that's delicious what about a thin slice old pizza too man the old pizza is great next morning pizza a burger that's like

slightly cold with cheddar or like American, I love American cheese. It tastes like plastic. Wait, American cheese, but that comes in the refrigerated singles. You're not eating that? No, I can't eat it raw. So how are you melting it?

What? It's like a sandwich, grilled cheese. How are you melting the singles? I can do grilled cheese on a burger. And that's all,

that's the only way I'll eat American cheese. So if you were in a guy's house, let's say he hasn't talked about it. And I open his refrigerator and he had seven fucking bags of cheese. Is that lizard level, Trump level? I would be like, no, it's not lizard or Trump level. Right. But I would just be like, ew, this man probably.

So that does mean you would still fuck the guy. Oh, I mean, there's very few things a person could do that I won't fuck you for. Although I did go on a date with this guy who was, he lied. Okay, so in his Tinder profile, he's like touching a ceiling, which makes him look like he's tall. But then I actually looked at it and I was like, oh, that ceiling's close to the door. He's short. Oh. He tricked me.

And then I met up with him and he was like 5'5". And I was like, what? Wow, optical illusion. Yes. He was too tiny. And he had a stutter. And he didn't fucking, he was too tiny, and he had a stutter. And he didn't fucking because he was too tiny?

Or the stutter? No, it was a combination of everything, and I was like talking about things I hate because I don't know, I was trying to, he was also like boring,

and I was talking about how much I hate soup because soup is dumb. Wow. Amir's favorite food is soup. That's correct. I don't understand why you want to slurp

on something hot. What about French onion soup? Are you fucking kidding? You got the melted cheese for you. So you have to get through on something hot. What about French onion soup? Are you fucking kidding? You got the melted cheese for you. So you have to get through the fucking melted cheese, and then there's brown fucking broth. Yeah, what's underneath French onion soup?

And then there's talk about hot cheese, how much you love hot cheese, and now you don't like soup? I can't understand you. Soup is disgusting. You don't like any soup? No, chicken noodle soup, it's like salty broth. It's like jizz in a cup, and then there's like little things in the jizz. But you like jizz.

And then you want, I love jizz, but I don't swallow jizz. I'm always spitting. You want to eat it with a spoon. I'm not spooning jizz. I'm not ladling jizz into my mouth. So you never ate soup? No, I don't eat soup or jizz. Wow.

I always spit. Soup and jizz. No raw cheese, no jizz. What, do you like gazpacho? That's fucking liquid ketchup and it's cold. No, I don't like tomato-based soups, actually. It's gross. So we can get along with that, yeah. But I do like ramen. I like ramen a lot. You like ramen? Ramen's too salty. Too salty? Yeah. What's wrong with salt? It makes you retain water and you get all bloated the next day. So you're more of a sweets? I like savory.

So isn't salty and savory very similar? What's savory but not salty? Keep going. You'll break him. He's going to short wire. Okay, like a steak. There's steam coming out of Amir's ears right now. So like a steak that's not salty. Yeah, but you have to have a little salt on it.

I want a nice salty, not salty, but a little bit of salt. You just said it. A little bit of salt. You just admitted to it. More pepper than salt. Got it. I like a nice peppercorn steak. I like peppercorn too.

Yeah, right? You had that one on Stella? No. Is it delicious? It really is. There's a peppercorn steak there that's fucking dope. I've never been to Stella. Where's Stella? It's on Sunset. Not's like a peppercorn steak there. It's fucking dope. Ooh. I've never been to Stella. Where's Stella?

It's on Sunset. Not too far from that Tiki Lounge. Oh, is it? Yeah. It's close. Oh, it's right next to Intelligentsia. Oh, okay. I'm going to go there.

I love a peppercorn steak. There's this place called the Capitol Grill. It is in Seattle. It's a little bit of a travel. It's so good. But if you bake the price of the flight into the cost of the steak, it's like you're paying $600 for a steak and you have to get a free flight.

Yeah, and that's reasonable. You can buy a $200 steak if you go to Peter Luger's. Yeah, if you're already going to Vegas, you might as well swing through Seattle. So really quickly, seven cheeses, would you say is too many? Is this excessive? It's disgusting and it really makes me upset. Jake?

As long as he's eating all the cheese. I don't want a stinky cheese, man. It's unbecoming if you have a lot of stale cheese in there. Oh, my God. But if you're eating all the cheese, that's fine. It's good to have a full refrigerator. It's also, I would say, it depends what else is in the refrigerator, right? Yeah.

Because if it's like four cans of Bud Light and seven cheeses, then it's a weird fridge. Then it's like, I feel like you're probably constipated all the time. Yeah. If you're just drinking beer and cheese. I mean, it sounds fine. I like beer and cheese, but just like if that's the only... Do you like cold cheese? Do you like raw cheese?

Yeah. Do you like brie? Yeah. Brie is disgusting. People keep trying to make me eat a baked brie bullshit thing. That's exactly what you like. It's like a hot cheese. But brie is nasty hot cheese. Brie is a. People keep trying to make me eat a baked brie bullshit thing. That's exactly what you like. It's like a hot cheese. But brie is nasty hot cheese.

Brie is a very unique taste. I had some truffle brie cheese the other day, and it was quite delicious. Do you not like truffle? Truffle? No. That's savory. I really can't figure you out. I was on your side with the whole soup thing.

Truffles are mushrooms. Truffles got to be savory. I don't like mushrooms. Mushrooms are nasty. I love mushrooms. I don't like be savory. I don't like mushrooms. Mushrooms are nasty. I love mushrooms. I don't like mushrooms either. I went to Providence. It's a contest.

Who can relate to Nicole? Have you guys ever been to Providence? Yes! I have! So have I. So have I. I love Providence. Rhode Island?

No! Fuck! The restaurant next to Party City on, uh, Sunset? I've never been there. Melrose? No. It's on Melrose. Oh, all right.

It's real expensive and like foo-foo, fooshy, foo-foo. Fru-fru. I don't know, it's like $500 a person. It's wild. Jesus.

You gotta go. Baller. But they have a box of truffles that they make you smell and the first time it happened, I was like, I don't know what you want from me. I guess it smells good.

Anyway, here's a steak from Stella, and it looks so good. That's my shit with the palm frith. I think I'm going to go tonight. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, I can't fucking wait. Please let me know how it is. I'm, like, wet from this steak.

I love steak. It's a really good steak. Oh, yeah. I can see your fingers just zooming in. Oh, yeah, baby. You just tried to swipe it right. It's just a photo on Yelp. Oh, my God.

What a treat. Do you have time to answer one more question real quick? What do you mean, do I have time? I mean, I know you got another podcast to record. Yeah, but I think he's coming at like 3.30. Okay, you're doing great then. All right. One last guy's name.30. Okay, you're doing great then. All right, one last guy's name.

Okay. His name is George Washington. Whoa. First president. Carver. George Washington Carver, the first peanut butter man.

Me and my best friend of five years. Arguably a better legacy. I think so. Me and my best friend of five years. Both males are married legacy. I think so. Uh, me and my best friend of five years. Both males are married with kids, so we don't get to hang out much. Recently, we went to a Korean bathhouse together as part of a bro day to get some much-needed hangout time away from our fans. I hope they jerked each other off. Uh, we were fully nude, and neither of us have a problem with that.

We've changed clothes in front of each other a handful of amounts of times, full-on in the nude. Here's my problem. I'm black, he's white, and I have a well above average penis. Also, when I first emerged from the hot tub, he said something to the effect of, so I guess the rumors are true. I laughed it off and kept moving. He made a few other snide remarks that I can't

remember now, too. But ever since that day three weeks ago, he's been acting strange. He's been avoiding me, not responding to texts like he used to, and when we chat on the phone, he's being kind of short with me. I tried to figure out what's going on, but literally nothing in our lives has changed since that day. I can't point to anything else but that one weird comment. I don't know what to do.

Please don't think I'm bragging about my dick. I genuinely want my best friend back, and I don't know what to do. Maybe it's something else. Could this be dick-related? Is this what penis envy is? Help me. You're my only hope. Sincerely, George Washington.

Oh, no. His only hope. Is this a thing that you've noticed as a lady? Different penis sizes based on race? Or is that completely untrue? I mean, all the black penises I've fucked have been very nice and big but then there's been a lot of nice big white dicks but then also there's been some micro white dicks and then there's one broken white dick what's a broken white dick look like oh no it looked like someone

had punched his dick it's like fully bent it was bent yeah it was like not bent? It was bent, yeah. It was like not bent, like not curved. It was like a hard L. Oh, right, like an elbow. Yeah, it was wild. But like a Tetris piece. What about circumcised or uncircumcised dicks? I love an uncircumcised dick. Really? Ooh, baby, I love an uncircumcised.

It's got more skin. Oh, because it's a little thicker? There's more stuff. There's more ribbed for your pleasure, if you will. Interesting. We're both clearly circumcised. Also, when you jerk off an uncircumcised dick, it helps you out.

Right, there's like a little sleeve. Yeah, interesting. Our foreskins are attached to each other. Oh, that's cute. We have a little Chinese dick finger trap style. I miss my foreskin. Do you? I don't know. That's cute. Chinese dick finger trap style. I miss my foreskin. Do you? I don't know.

I never actually knew it, but I wonder. I also think it's weird to just chop off the foreskin of a baby. Yeah, you got to do it young. Because a baby doesn't know if it needs it or not. Yeah, that's true. The parents are there to make that decision. Well, people are like, it's a cleanliness thing. It's like, I don't know, just tell your kid to pull its skin back and clean it.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah, you tell you, like, you know, what, are tell your kid to pull its skin back and clean it. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, you tell you, like, what, are you going to cut off the ears because the kid doesn't wash behind their ears? Yeah. That's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. But it's a Jewish custom, right?

Whoa, let's not point fingers here. What religion was the one that's like, let's have a rabbi give the baby wine and chop off their cough? And then invite the whole family. Hey, just like kosher, it's a cleanliness thing. Uncle Rob, we're gonna have a moil come over. Why is kosher cleanliness?

Because meat and cheese back then were not healthy for you so they made it illegal to have. So wait, kosher, you don't have meat? We don't have meat and cheese together. Oh. So there's no hot cheese. So you can't have meat and cheese together. Oh. So, yeah, there's no hot cheese. So you can't have a cheeseburger? Or not you, but like kosher people can't have cheeseburgers? Kosher people cannot have cheeseburgers.

That's correct. And they also can't eat pork because pork. Yeah, it was also like considered dirty. My dad didn't eat pork because he was like, it's dirty. I was like, I mean, come on. Yeah. Everything's trash. They wash it. It's dirty. Yeah, they wash it. mean, come on. Yeah, isn't it all equally dirty?

Yeah, they wash it. Also, you eat McDonald's, and that's, like, not even food. That's salt. That's where your love of savory came from. C'est tout le santé. So do you guys think this is dick-related, or do you think he's just being a judge? It's very curious.

I don't know. I would be weird to be like, my best friend has a big dick. I'm going to act short around him yeah but then maybe it's like a subconscious thing where you're like oh his dick is so big

and that's all I want in my mouth maybe oh I see his best friend is in love with him and he realized it when he saw

his big black cock and then he's like he doesn't know how to deal with the feelings oh I guess I never thought

of it that way I think the answer lies in what your friend's dick looked like. Oh, yeah. Because this guy has the big black dick. And if his friend has an average white dick to a big white dick, I think then it's another thing. But if his friend has a tiny white dick, I think that's what it is. Maybe. Have you two ever seen another dick and been like, oh, no.

Oh, like mine's so inadequate compared to that. No. I've never seen another. I've never seen like a huge flaccid dick on one of my friends. Every dick of like my friends that I've seen, I'm just like, that's about right. That's about right for what I imagine. How many dicks have you seen? Where do you see them?

Like skinny dipping Or like changing at the gym Circle jerks There are times when you get drunk And people are peeing outside Or you take your dick out as a joke Like you walk out of the bathroom with your dick out I've seen your dick when we were skinny dipping

Saw my brother's dick a couple times Saw Dave's dick a lot brother's dick a couple times. Saw Dave's dick a lot. Jeff's dick a couple times. I've never been skinny dipping. Really? Yeah, no. It seems weird. Why is that?

It's great. It feels amazing. I don't know. It seems like, well, if you're going to get naked and get in the water, you should be in the shower. Well, again,

you prefer hot to cold. Skinny dipping in the ocean is really kind of, I don't know, it's a really unique, it's a very unique feeling to just like have all of your private parts floating around in the pool. See, that feels very strange to me. It does feel strange, but it's like a fun strange. I have a pool and I haven't been skinny dipping in my pool yet. I cannot believe that you have not gone skinny dipping in your own pool. That's like the first thing I would do. No, I put on a bathing suit would do right but you're by yourself it's like putting one in to go to a shower or something

well i did wear my bra in the shower when i woke up on thanksgiving soaking wet in a towel and a shower cap that i think was wrong that was related to the power hour maybe i was like i'll keep these titties harnessed. Just in case. I don't know. Yeah, I don't, it feels, I don't know. He said they had kids though, right? Like they each have kids? Yeah, they each have kids. I think it's got to, I think, especially because he made, I don't know. I feel like if you make several jokes about it, it's like, this guy's cool with it.

But the multiple jokes maybe suggest that he's not. I think the big black man should ask the mediocre white man if he's mad at him. Just be like, oh, are you mad at me? Feels something. Something feels off. I don't think there's any. It's your dick. All right?

It's your large cock. I want your big dick. For Christ's sake. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking someone straight up. That's what you said for the first question. You're very big into honesty. I ask people. Well, I let things go on for a while until I'm like, well, I have to ask them. I have to.

And then I'll ask. And then sometimes I get a real answer. Sometimes I don't. And then I make adjustments. I had a friend who was like being real nasty to me for no reason and I told her that she was being nasty and I asked her what was up and she gave me a weird bullshit answer and I said okay then you you can't emotionally tell me what's up so I can't talk to you right now oh so that was it did you ever find out why

no and I if she comes back around and she explains it, then like, great. If she doesn't, then that's fine. I had another friend who I like broke up with because she was being awful. And then she came back around and explained why she was being awful. And then I made a choice to not, to rekindle our friendship. Wow. Because I was like, I don't need that. Would you say she's such a nasty woman?

Jesus. Yeah. She's a nasty woman. Good. I'm glad to hear that. Would you say she's such a nasty woman? Jesus. Yeah. She's a nasty woman. Good. I'm glad to hear that. Such a nasty woman. I'll say wait it out a little bit. Wait it out a little bit. You don't have to bring the dick thing. Maybe he's going through something at home. I don't think you have to bring up the dick thing,

but you say, hey man, everything good. Yeah, what's going on? We haven't texted, we haven't talked in a while. Something going on with your kid? Take the onus off him and be like, is's going on? We haven't texted. We haven't talked in a while. Something going on with your kid? Like, take the onus off him and be like, is it your wife? Is something wrong with her? Is it your kid? Is it your wife, your girlfriend, or your main chick? Yeah.

Is it your side chick? Is she taking up your time? Your side piece. I would be so in side piece. And that's just desperation talking. Have you been someone's side piece? Kind of. Really?

I knew this guy was dating this girl on and off. And we would fuck, and I never asked if they were on. I just was like, I mean, if I don't know, who cares? Yeah, ignorance is bliss. It's bad. It didn't feel great. The onus isn't on you to find out what's going on. Yeah, you'll tell me if you want me to know. That's how lying works.

Yeah. All right. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for stopping by. Oh, thanks for having me. And then if you want to hear more Nicole, check out her new HeadGum podcast,

which is called... Why Won't You Date Me? Episode one is online right now. And there's at least 19 more where that came from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, 18 because I can't air one. But we heard the best part of it anyway. Yeah. And if you like what you hear, as always, remember to rate, review, and subscribe.

It's even more important in the first week, which is right now. Cool. Is it? Yeah. Why is it important? Because iTunes ranks their podcasts based on how many people have recently subscribed. So if you go from a new show of zero subscriptions to like a thousand or two thousand,

they think that's such a huge rate of change that they're going to put you on the top ten list. Yeah, so you should be pushing your fans. Oh! Chun-Li. Spinning sidekick. Alright, the opening theme song

was written by the band Dear Lincoln Remember? Yeah This closing one Was written by Jack Who tried to go with The Blink-182 style thing

Didn't work out But you know what He made it his own Let's check it out Sounds amazing Thanks Jack Thanks Dear Lincoln Thanks to you guys

For writing emails Thanks to Nicole For stopping by Yeah you're welcome The email address For everything is If I were you show At gmail.com

We'll be back next week. Don't worry. Ciao. If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you I would tell Jake and I'm here

Everything that's going on Because you know they know what's right If I were you If I were you Tell Drake and I'll hear everything that's going on because you know they know what's right. If I were you. If I were you. That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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