Segments - 305: Masturbating on a Unicycle (w/Tim and Tom from Complete Guide to Everything!)

Episode Date: December 11, 2017

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Take pen and mirror What's right Got them on TV Green light Lucky for you they give advice They give advice If I were you for some advice, they give me advice. Bernard Mars.

Yeah, that is his full name. Did you guys know that? Tim and Tom from the Complete Guide to Everything podcast. Did you know that Bruno Mars' full name is Bernard Martian? Wow. No. Bernard or Brunard? Brunard.

Good man. You caught us in a lie. Very good. His real name is Brunard? Brunard. Good man. You caught us in a lie. Very good. His real name is Brunard Mars. We're recording this live in Brooklyn. Of course, live means nothing because we're recording it, so I don't even know why I said that. But Jake and I are in Brooklyn in the East Coast office,

and we thought, what better time to get the Complete Guide to Everything podcast than right now? Yeah. Because you guys don't come to LA very often, right? Never. Ever? Never. You've never been to LA been to la i've been to la i live there i don't know why you've never had to each other since we sat down this is bad this is a bad combination for sarcastic idiots talking to each other lying every other day be an hour of really yeah no no do you guys do that a lot do you guys just say stuff that sounds correct but isn't?

And then when people find out, they're just kind of mad at you? Oh, I guess you've never listened to our show. It's 10 truths and a lie. That's pretty much what it is. Yeah, your podcast is basically informational, so I hope you're dispensing true, factual news. Not that fake news you see on CNN.com. No.

Come on. Oh, what? That's political already what political i'm serious you guys read the news right uh why what's been happening oh no you guys have just been doing a podcast i've been busy flying back and forth between here and la every week to record fuck there's an la studio there's an la now uh how often you guys record out of this place? We're here pretty much every week. And can you just give us a quick rundown for whatever reason if listeners to our show don't listen to yours

yet? I don't think that'll be necessary. Okay, yeah, you're right. They all listen. It's called The Complete Guide to Everything. It's a competitor to Wikipedia. So every week we do a different topic. Taking them down. Yeah, taking them down in audio form yeah by reading them out loud to people well we don't read the articles no we give the audio we look at

the pictures yeah look at the pictures to try and figure out what's going on neither of us can uh read uh what's an what's an example of really a recent episode we just did one about broadway yeah tim went to see hamilton yeah we have a lot of, we inject our first-hand experience on it. Oh. And like if there's like a high roller that was set

in the front row of the Hamilton production, that might be an interesting perspective on Broadway. You recorded it during Hamilton, I believe.

Yeah. So in the background is like people you sing shh, shh and like the actual play itself. They were surprisingly cool yeah about it though you were in the front row yeah that's a broadway question the front row is a bad place

to sit right yeah it's cheaper than like the sixth row yeah how much was your ticket high roller oh come on don't put them on blast i was a sweepstakes winner i'll have you know is that true you won the lottery i won the actual lottery and spent the $18 million on tickets. On $10 tickets to Hamilton. Have you guys been watching Curb, how it's like one of the plot lines is Larry David trying to get tickets from Lynn and not even he can get tickets for his friends? That doesn't make any sense. That can't be true.

Yeah. In that universe, StubHub doesn't exist. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say. He's not's a billionaire he's a very rich connected man yeah they don't really talk about how like larry david's worth several hundred millions of dollars on the show he does seem rich but like it never comes up that he's infinitely wealthy yeah i guess i would make a new house yeah he does have a really nice big house in santa monica yeah but it doesn't come

up that like he can just give someone a million dollars. There's never an episode about all of his checks coming in. There was a Seinfeld rerun, so you have another million dollars now. Refresh your bank account. It probably wouldn't be that good of a show if every episode ended with him solving his problems with money.

Which is probably what happens. Probably what happens in his day-to-day life constantly. I don't think I want to be polite, so here's $730,000. I just bought this restaurant, so I'm going to be rude to the waiters now. There's nothing you can do about it. It's a true curb. Curb music. All right, but this isn't your podcast.

This is our podcast. Yes. We had to record an episode of our show, If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that Jake and I host. Sometimes just us, sometimes friends, HeadGum podcasters, fellow HeadGum podcasters. And today we have Tim and Tom. Do I have to say your last names or it's easier that way?

It's just easier that way. Hey, thank you for having us. Oh, shit. You're welcome. We're bad guests. Thank you for specifying that you have friends and also podcasters. Podcasters, yeah. But never both.

And then you guys. Never the twain shiny. We alternate between the two. That's good. Keep it separate. You guys did an episode on Bitcoin, right? Or cryptocurrency?

Did we? Can I recommend that one? Sure. That's one that people are talking about a lot that nobody really understands how that works. Hey, it just keeps going up.

Yeah. It'll never stop. That's how it works. It'll just never stop. Yeah. It hasn't stopped yet, so why would it? It's not too late to buy. You can buy in, and you'll be bragging that you got it at $10,000.

It's actually $11,500 now. Wow. Really? You could have been bragging that you bought it at $10,000. Yeah. Somebody gifted us a Bitcoin. Yeah. Not an entire Bitcoin, but i did check about that somebody like four years ago somebody was like hey how come you guys don't have a bitcoin address for donations i was like all right fine i'll set this up and we got like one ten dollar

i was like oh great that was really worth it and i looked the other day it's like 250 dollars wow so you guys have a like a Coinbase account with this gift coin? Yeah. Well, not an entire coin, a fraction of a coin. But that's now worth $250. Yeah. Shit. So this will probably be-

Now we double down. Yeah. Can you do that with the Bitcoin? That's what the episode's about. Can you go and buy more Bitcoin with that Bitcoin? I don't think you understand. You flip it, you see. We should put it into real estate.

Listen, well, let's not get into actual useful piece of advice. This is about trying to advise the future of the world out of their sticky situations. This question comes from us from, I don't know where, but instead of sent from iPhone, it says, Enviado desde mi iPhone. Ooh. So probably Peru, right?

That's where the envious iPhones are. We're going to read this real email from a real person, but we need a fake man's name to refer to him as. How about Tom? You want to start us off with a fake guy's name? Lance. That's great. Where did you come up with that?

I have a cousin named Lance. Okay. No last name. Ready? Lance writes, my stepmom is the devil who I can only assume tortures small animals

in her free time. Anyway, I hacked into her account on our family computer using my new admin account and I found some pretty telling shit. She has documents telling her story about marrying my dad and how

horrible my brother and I are. She talks about her relationship with my dad and everything she says about him. Anyway, how could I use this information to destroy her? Love the show. Love Lance. So, Lance. So how can this guy out his evil stepmother?

Is it step? I think it's just mom. Oh, is it? My stepmom is the devil. Oh, never mind. Sorry. I totally lost it. Is the stepmom playing on writing a tell-all about the family?

This sounds... Documents? Yeah, what kind of documents? stepmom playing on writing a tell-all about the family this sounds documents yeah we're gonna document what kind of like grown woman sits down and writes opens up word i think it sounds like she's keeping a diary and saying how much she hates her kids which seems you know reasonable given what a piece of shit lance is being yeah he hacked into her account do you guys also imagine like a pc i don't imagine this is on a mac i imagine like yellow files c colon slash documents yeah text edit mind sweeper and the like well i was gonna say if he has an admin account that's that doesn't even require hacking that's just like you switch into the other account

so yeah when you say hacked into an account, you're really patting yourself on the back. Well, did he say it was a new admin account? He didn't specify the newness of the admin account. I thought he had been granted this by another administrator on this computer.

The dad who does tech support. How could I use this information to destroy her? There's a problem with Lance's plan. Uh-oh. That's not damaging information. Every stepmother hates their stepkids, right? Or stepfather, right? That's what they're known for.

Yeah, look at Cinderella. Exactly. And no one else. Stepmother wasn't out there like, no, no, I like Cinderella. She's like, no. I locked her back there. You know it, and I have proof. Yeah, and Cinderella didn wasn't out there like, no, no, I like Cinderella. She's like, no. I locked her back there. You know it and I have proof. Yeah, and Cinderella didn't end with her like,

I found the document saying you hate me. How did Cinderella end? She hacked into an iPad. Really? Yeah. It's kind of ahead of its time. Sleeping Beauty is a fucked up one, right? Sleeping Beauty?

The prince has to kiss her while she's asleep. That doesn't sound very woke at all oh that wouldn't fly today would it walt guys isn't that what happens in snow white too oh wait which one is there's snow white cinderella and sleeping beauty they all get kissed while asleep oh yeah they all right they all like snow white eats the poison apple and she dies and then the prince date rapes her and she wakes up. Did you call him a prince? Do you have something against Snow White's boyfriend? So I kissed you while you were sleeping

and now I'd like your hand in marriage. That's how it works, right? I can't imagine in my mind the difference between Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Is it the same cartoon? Snow White is the dwarves. We're so far from helping this kid.

But they all have brown hair, short brown hair, long brown hair. No, she has black hair. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty both have long blonde hair. Oh, Sleeping Beauty is blonde? Yeah. Snow White has the bob. She's beautiful. Yeah.

She is the hot one right Christ what I don't know the difference between Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty oh Cinderella

was the glass slipper yeah at the ball yep Prince fights the dragon yeah which is actually there's a dragon

her mom yeah there's a dragon wait and the dragon's her mom her stepmom I think oh wait

which brings us back to this dragon. In Cinderella, it's a witch, right? Marika's just shaking her head. No, that's Snow White. She cannot believe these four idiots. Are you shaking your head because you know the answer and I don't? Or are you shaking your head because I'm wasting my time talking about this?

Is it a little bit of both? Do you know the difference between those three? Sort of. I know that Cinderella isn't the dragon. Is not the dragon. Right. That's Maleficent, who I think. What?

Maleficent? Right? That's a recent movie. That's a new. All right. This could be an episode of your show yeah i don't think any of these things had dragons in them this is it one there's a dragon something whatever i'll look it up during the break you better believe this is all like disney princesses before hitler that would

be the name of your show the episode right yeah back when they didn't give a shit so how do you destroy your mom with documents? I guess you print the documents. Yeah, print them and show them to the dad. Yeah, you put them in a manila, right? A manila folder. Yeah, slam it on the table during dinner. You'd be like, I have the files.

I have them right here, the docs. You slam them on the folder, on the table. The folder hits the table. The docs spill out, obviously. They're all blank. Yeah. Like, well, there was no ink in the printer. But I saw the table. The folder hits the table. The docs spill out, obviously. They're all blank. Yeah. Like, well, there was no ink in the printer, but I saw the docs. I can't afford toner with stepmother's attitude.

You know I can't afford toner. See, I'm kind of with you, though. You said parking garage. That's, you got it. When did he say that? Oh, did he say parking garage? He whispered it off the mic to tell oh we have a psychic link yeah you can say it into the camera into the microphone

it's like oh there are cameras there and there they're all underneath the table right up our nostrils i i like the parking garage cigarette parking garage deep throat style or the uh the other cool move is with the FBI to cop car thing. You know, you're like driver side to driver side. Yeah. The car's facing each other. That's kind of cool. Yeah, I always like when I see cop cars doing that.

Yeah, it's fun. God, they're exchanging information. That's sort of how you would have to do it with your brother. And then you make the plan to... Yeah, you can't do it in the house because the stepmom's there. Yeah. He should lock her out of the account first off, use these admin hacking skills he has,

because first thing she's going to do is try and wipe those files clean. Yeah. Preserve all this evidence. If I know my evil stepmoms, I know she'll try to delete the files. That sounds so sad. She's just venting into a word document and he's gonna use that again just leave her alone christ i can't bring myself bad enough two shitty step kids i'm on team step mom is that crazy i am uh all right let's see if we can help this next person

uh oh this one's also about a regular mom, but it's from a lady in Australia. Tim? Tim, take it away. It's got to be Australian. Branglin. That's good. That was Australian. Branglin.

Branglin. Branglin. Branglin. Branglin. I'm a 22-year-old lady from Australia, and something horrific has happened to me. I overheard my mom masturbating. That's right. Sorry, I added that's right. Just for effect. That's right, masturbating. Last night, I was in my bedroom at about 10p. Door closed, but lights still on and I got up to go urinate. As I left my bedroom. And entered the hallway. I heard moaning.

And a knocking of the headboard. I panicked. And returned to my bedroom. Without peeing. I know it was my mom masturbating. As she is single. And is the only other person I live with. She didn't even close her bedroom door.

Before going at it. And obviously made no effort to be quiet. One look into the hallway. And she would have been able to see. That I was still awake by the light. Coming from underneath my bedroom door. What the fuck am i supposed to do now i'll never be able to look at my mom the same way again and worst part is i didn't even end up getting to pee as i was so traumatized but why but why uh by what i had heard i retreated to my bedroom immediately. Please help love Branglin.

Branglin. You hear about I walked in on my parents having sex, but you never hear about I walked in on my father or mother masturbating. Which do you think is worse? That's a great question. Masturbating. Okay. It's way...

Really? You know somewhere in your brain that your parents at least had sex a couple times You know, because you're there You rarely think of your dad jacking off And it's, until now Tim, are you thinking of it? Close your eyes and imagine your old man Sitting Indian style

Just cranking Oh, he's working up a sweat I mean Because it's been a while. Masturbating is a really sad little base need that is depressing that we have to indulge in it. Yeah, it's primal. It's like just touching your happy stick until you explode with joy. Right. I can make myself feel joy.

That's the sound of masturbation. And you're the most unguarded. You're not trying to impress anyone else. Right. It's so private. It's so personal. Is there a cool way? What's the coolest way to masturbate?

Like if you got caught, you're like, yeah, but at least I was doing it in a cool way. Standing up in the shower. Water on the chest. Eyes up at the ceiling. I think is the only cool way to jerk off. Singing a really cool song well. You probably don't want to be like jerking off while singing. Yeah, I don't know. My country, tears of me, sweet land of Lear. I never get to the second fucking stanza.

That's how Mike Flynn does it. Fucking pledges allegiance to his cock. I'm serious, dude. He's standing back to back with his son, jerking off in the same prison shower. Hoorah! Where were we? I think it'd be pretty impressive to, like, the coolest jacking off is uh if you can manage it while like riding a bmx bike oh that's cool on a motorcycle that's a trick yeah like tooling along we have a friend

that claims somebody did that tricked off while motorcycle riding uh no just riding like a bike right like a mountain bike i think it was a mountain bike riding a bike yeah just riding a bike well apparently the guy was horny all the time he couldn't help it and he's like i this this trail is not that bumpy he was going down a hill so he could do it hands-free and not have to he was on a bluetooth too right uh this is pre-bluetooth yeah this was also a fella that claimed he jerked off during while he was taking the SAT. What?

I believe that. You don't lie about it. Yes, you do. Yes, you do as a teenager. Are you under the assumption you're sworn in before you take that SAT? It's not bragging. To do it during the SAT is bragging.

No, it's not. Yes, it is. That's so sad. I think it's fake. I'm calling this guy's bluff. He did it while sitting at the desk or he went to the bathroom? No, undetected at the desk while filling out the standard. What did he get?

6.80 math, 7.20 verbal. Yeah, 15.80, yeah. We had a kid in my middle school that got kicked out of class for masturbating during class. During class. So people were doing it during the SATs. I think that's higher stakes is during the SATs. It is a high stress situation.

Because you all have to take your SATs. But think about, if you spread the rumor around that you jerked off during the SATs, and then later on you happened to get a perfect score, and they had like an assembly for you and everybody knew except the teachers that would be something that'd be another reason to jerk off yeah and then jerk off during the assembly yeah don't high-five each other that was a special moment we're both I just want to make sure he wasn't jerking off That's what a high ten is about

God jerking off What about Masturbating on a unicycle You think that's a google search That would yield the result I think that's a bridge too far I would ask Marika Marika's hands are nowhere near the keyboard

She's not making a move To bring them there It's google.com. I actually see it. Yes, she's called 911. Come over the other one. It was already open on a Google image tab. How the fuck?

How did we get there? How does this, what's the name? Branglin. Branglin. How does she know her mom wasn't having sex with a ghost? Yeah, I don't think people, I guess I didn't think of that. Yeah. That's kind of cool.

You don't bang your head against the bedboard when you're masturbating. I think she was getting fucked by a ghost or a person. Yeah. I think the mom was having sex. Thoughts?

She was not having sex. Wow. Wow, that's a pretty powerful counterpoint. And he was masturbating during the SAT. He was using using fake arms there's no reason why she shouldn't have gone to the bathroom though yeah that really like rubs me the wrong way the fact that she went back to bed yes definitely amazing i intended the fun and it was good uh and we had it i yeah i can't imagine going back to bed and not peeing oh yeah i sometimes get up and I have to pee just a little bit, like a sprinkle.

Of course. Because it's on my mind. Yeah. You might have to do that right now. See, that's the problem. In the future, she's going to always think twice before she gets up to pee during the night. Yeah. She's going to wind up with a bladder infection.

I think all you can do is nothing. And if it happens again, you just go to the bathroom really noisily. Yeah, just have something to break in your room. Clomp around. She's right across the hall, it sounds like. Yeah. Oh, you can start masturbating louder. You know the common thing of like,

in Australia, they do that to you. It's like the opposite, which kind of makes sense here. It's like, in Australia, you catch your mom masturbating because everything is so fucking topsy-turvy down there. Yeah. You have not been caught masturbating, right?

Not that I know. Like, if it happened, it wasn't like a thing. Right. But no, I don't think so. You guys ever been caught masturbating? No, but if I had a child and... You better believe I'm cat. I walk under cover.

Under the covers. A child, or not a child and you better believe I'm cat undercover child or my not a child like my spawn doing that I wouldn't be like well like I just like be like oh I hope he didn't see me right so like maybe I did get caught by somebody who was just like I don't want to have a conversation about this yeah do you have a conversation if you walk in on your mom? Probably not, right? No, definitely not. Yeah, that's why I was wondering if she's asking, should I confront her about this? Hey, mom, no more piddling your pud in the house here.

Quit diddling your pee, mother. The exact question is, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Probably not. Well, first things first, go pee. Yeah, if you're waiting for us. She's waiting for a response. She has to wait a week until this episode comes out for her to you can die from holding in your pee of course absolutely you could drown yourself in your own urine i don't think that's what happens but still

well you could do that in addition yeah if you peed into a really big bucket for a long time and then you sort of bob for apples in it and faint. And then you die. You drown in your own piss. Okay. So that's another thing you could do. Yeah. Yeah. Another one is to just not talk to your mom. Unlikely, but possible.

That's the name of our other podcast we're starting. Unlikely, but possible. So it's drowning yourself in pee and masturbating on a unicycle? I've got to look that up. All right. Let's take a break. I'll look up masturbating on unicycle. We'll be back with more questions and answers with tim and tom tom and tim what do you guys prefer tim and tom tim and tom i'm gonna look up that uh quick note to let y'all

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months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Favorite episodes of your show? Because you you have i think you have more episodes than we do right yeah we have a whole bunch yeah and they're all good they're all very great they're

all equally good they're all no each one gets better than the one before they should listen to the most recent episodes yeah but the first one is off the charts fantastic so wow so the first was never even a lull it's just no started off at 100 and you just that's that's why we But the first one is off the charts fantastic. Wow. So the first one's a 10. There was never even a lull. It's just been started off at 100 and you've just gone up. That's why we couldn't stop because it just kept getting better and better. Amazing. If you ever fall off even a little bit, will you just stop right then?

Yeah. But no sign of it happening yet. Okay. Tim, favorite episode of Complete Guide to Everything? Soup. So fast. Yeah, the soup one's pretty good. What's the, can you, because I love soup. What are like three things that I can know about soup

that I wouldn't necessarily know without listening to your podcast? Some of it's hot. Oh, but not all. But not all. But some is hot, but all of it is wet. Oh. Yeah, it's true. So soup has to be wet.

Tim, I don't think he even brought that up on the show. You were holding out on him. Bonus content. That was for a bigger stage. Technically, that fact was behind a Patreon paywall that we just gave out for free. All soup is wet. Can I have five bucks now? Anything else come to mind?

It's a cool tattoo, actually. All soup is wet. If not a... What's the driest soup? Sorry to derail this, but I had an idea for a segment on our podcast where we pitched Tinder bios. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, anyway.

We are talking about segment ideas just to break up the show a little, so free Tinder bios is pretty good. Dries soup has got to be what? Chili, chowder, cereal. Oh, yeah. That's a Tinder bio. Nothing like a dry oatmeal. Hi, I'm Amir Blumenfeld, 49,

divorced with eight kids. I am a thin man. Any other episodes? Soup is a good one. I would say just, yeah, we've done one on pretty much everything. Just search your favorite now. Just search your favorite thing. You can look at that long list and be like,

hey, here's something I like. Let me hear two uninformed people talk about it. I'll get mad. And every episode is a deep dive into these subjects. More or less. And how do you choose the subjects? Like if Tim goes to Hamilton, then we do one about Broadway.

Got it. Sometimes we go like this. We open a newspaper. What's in the news? Oh, interesting. On the show itself. In the prep. How much prep goes into it? Lots.

Really? Lots. We buy the newspaper in the morning. It takes us about 40 hours each to read it. Amazing. For the next week. So you guys are just bad readers. They said they couldn't read yeah let alone bad yeah no this is we have to find somebody to read it to us yeah i

bet that's the hardest part well people are glad to read like an article but when you're like no my job i have to know everything in the news one article and you're like and the next one they're like and then what after keep going until one's about soup is all. Right. Well, there are probably over 400 episodes, right? Are there? Yeah, probably. Geez, going since when?

Say yes. Going since? 2008, 2009? 2009. Yeah. I wonder if that's the longest running, not that you've been on HeadGum the longest, but the longest running HeadGum podcast.

No, we've been on HeadGum since 2009. Amazing. Are we dating the network? Yeah, we were just waiting. Or before we even had a podcast. Maybe We Hate Movies was before that? No, they're not. They're not?

Yeah, we had a... No. That was fast. Okay. You have a vein in your forehead. No, they're not. It's us. They'll tell you they are.

The website will corroborate it they're liars no no no because we we had like a we had like an old timey old timers chat of like ah these podcasts but they are there they started out oh like a month after us or something yeah oh wow that close yeah wow remember what are some of the other longest running podcasts yeah he's been around for a long time. What are other old running podcasts? I heard that the longest podcast is Love. Wow. It's Courtney Love's advice column. It's been number one on the chart

since 2004. Can we just unplug his? There we go. Help! Let go of me! That's a nice photo. That's a nice painting. The studio here, you guys haven't been to our studio in LA, or have you?

No. Never? Yeah. Never been to LA, remember? Yeah. A lot hipper. There's a lot cooler artwork on the wall. Yeah.

A lot of this is Nick Rad's. That's right. That makes sense. No, it's not. It is. No, this is Nick Rad's. But that's a Nick Rad original. And so is this one, isn't it?

And so is the dartboard, right? Boy, some interesting audio content right now. And so is that. And this one's interesting, too. That one's real colorful. Y'all have to see this one and that one. And this one's 50 feet high and 100 feet long. Well, don't describe it.

That paints a picture, which is really what Nick Rad did there and there. He also did it that. This is unfair because I was sticking up for you. This is not how karma works, actually. All right, let's try to answer that other question. Can you hand me my phone back? I just realized I asked you to charge it, and now I need it back also not fair i am just taking stuff from people whether it's their joy or i'm very impressed by how much heavy lifting your phone does during the show oh like

how i'm reading from it you're reading from it you're playing music from it then you were talking about tweets yeah then you were texting somebody earlier. Yeah, now we're all talking. Now you're doing fantasy sports. Hello? I just bought an Ethereum while we were on break. An entire Ethereum. A single Ethereum coin. How much is that worth now?

$465. Really? Yeah. Everything's crazy. Yeah. Well, it sounds like the economy is doing great. Yeah, at the very least, the fake economy. Yeah. And also the stock market's great. Yeah, at the very least, the fake economy. Yeah.

And also the stock market's up. Just read the question, man. Just that it's not all bad, it's all. What was it called? Prank call gone wrong? Yeah, yeah, that's the one. All right, we need a guy's name. Maybe you guys can tag team this one.

Oh, first and last? Yeah. Or why don't you give me one syllable, Tom, and then you can take her home, Tim. Uh, her. Orf. Soup. Herorf.

That's good. No one person can come up with that. It does not roll off the tongue. It's like Icelandic or something. Herorf. Prunks and writes, Hey guys, love the show. So the other day I was extremely bored at band competition and decided to prank call some friends of mine.

Oh, sorry, prank call some people with my friends. I didn't want to prank call real people that I know because I thought that would be really immature and stupid. So instead I looked up random restaurants in remote parts of the country and called them. My father's calling me. I called them. This was going fine for the first few calls

and we were all having a great time until I did something kind of bad. I called a small random restaurant in Louisiana that I had found online and told them that I wanted to speak to the manager about a problem that I was having with shipping them their supplies. They said that the manager wasn a problem that I was having with shipping them their supplies. They said that the manager wasn't there, but that they would call me back.

So we hung up, and I thought that was the end of it. It was absolutely not the end of it. The manager called me back about an hour later, and I just went with it. I told her that I would be two weeks late in delivering her various supplies, and she got extremely stressed about not getting everything on time and started saying how she would have to go to a local farmer's market if the food she needed wasn't going to arrive. At this point, I'm in too deep to quit, so I just keep going deeper, making a bullshit on the spot saying that my company would give her a thousand dollars as an apology

along with a bunch of other crap then she started asking me to get my name and i just said i had to go very quickly and hung up i hoped that uh that would be it but now she keeps freaking calling me i pick up once but only dug myself in deeper before hanging up very quickly. Obviously not that quickly. Now she won't stop calling me and she has called me at least two times every day for the last week. What on earth should I do to get out of this sticky, sticky situation? God, how does he possibly get out of this one? Writes Herorf. A prank call gone right, if you ask me.

He works in shipping and receiving now i'm in so deep i keep lying to this bitch uh it's all right that's the most effective prank call in the history of prank calls yeah especially because he keeps it going it's always sad to keep it going when there are no friends around just like who are you even doing it for then yeah just uh god it's so mean so sadistic yeah it's like it's backfiring on him in like he should stop lying but it's also like it's causing him stress yeah at this point he should just pick up be like i'm sorry i've been lying to you yeah i don't understand that i'm in too deep i'm in too deep. I'm in too deep, so I got to promise her another $1,000. I sent her a freaking stove. I really sent her a fucking fridge.

Do you guys have any good prank call stories? Did you used to do that? Where did you guys grow up? We both grew up on Long Island. Our group of friends in high school used to prank call Value Vision all the time. Value Vision? Which is like the second tier QVC. Oh, I used to call QVC.

Because you could just call them up and you'd be like, oh, the product you have on air right now, I have it. I'd love to go on air and talk about it for a little while. We would get on Value Vision multiple times a night.

Well, because we all because who else calls all and also like the only people watching are you guys Craig calling and all of our voices

sounded like women in their 50s so it was completely believable because that's what you sounded like as a 14 year old yeah

I was like I'd like to talk about a toaster oven the bangles you're selling and then you get on the air and you just go with it like it's great i love it bye or like oh i put my ass in it and it electrocuted my butt no a lot of times we didn't even do that we would just kind of be we would just make things up that we thought were hilarious like yeah the the bracelet's really beautiful.

You helped them sell bracelets. Yeah, you did the opposite about this person. A lot of times they were like, the phones are ringing off the hooks now. You did a help call. Yeah, and maybe that's why they kept answering the phone for us. God, we got them so good. We helped them move 30 toasters. But it never occurred to me to call a place far away that's great yeah because then they can't get to you yeah well this was before probably cell phones before caller id

that was the prank call heyday you guys remember the jerky boys it was all cd it's weird because like the stakes feel really high but it's all just happening on the phone yeah the worst thing that can happen is that somebody like yells at you and you hang up i think it was before the internet like that's how youtube commenters like got to troll you like call someone anonymously yeah it was like what are they gonna do trace back my call to my parents house i don't give a shit well that's what's amazing about this to get uh somebody you played a prank on to keep calling you back and not like hey I'm mad that you played a prank on me, but like, where's the delivery? Yeah.

Where's the thousand? No businesses will give you a thousand dollars. I felt bad for this business at first, but now I'm like, you know, this business, its days are short if they're believing this kind of prank call. Good news, guys. We're getting a thousand dollars. The business that called me said we can prank call. Good news, guys. We're getting $1,000. The business that called me said, we can buy that dishwasher after all, guys.

They've already distributed holiday bonuses based on this $1,000 giveaway. I love thousands. That's just a nice, because that's the most amount of money as a kid. We'll give you $1,000. Yeah. I mean, also, it didn't sound like they had much information this place

this restaurant has one supplier that supplies everything right why did this lady not just call the supplier when she got like that was weird i'm gonna call the supplier not just like this number back the place where i get the food all the utensils it's probably from this number yeah i don't recognize the te area code, but hey. I like this dude. He's so young that he has just the bare... It's not quite enough information to lie. It's like, I have to talk to my supervisor.

I guess there would be one, but there's like... All he has is a supervisor and a $1,000 rebate. I think I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I used to prank call people in LA just by dialing seven random numbers, being like, hey, I'm a radio disc jockey, and we're doing a promotion with Baskin-Robbins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds,

we'll give you $31,000 starting now. It's like, oh, I have a fucking vanilla chocolate. It's impossible to try to rattle off 31 in a row. You'd have to be like autistic, I would think. Vanilla, strawberry, blueberry, rainbow road, rowan sherbet. Rainbow road. Yeah. Fuck!

Chocolate chip. Sorry, you got 29. No! And would you tell them like, ooh, sorry. We'll send you $28,000. Did anyone ever try? I think they would struggle like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Like, because you $28,000. Did anyone ever try? I think they would struggle. Because it's such an overwhelming thing.

You just picked up the phone. You're not part of the contest at all. One time, I don't remember. Oh, I would call and ask for Marty all the time. This was before I even knew Marty. Anyway, I asked for Marty and this person, and he wasn't there. And then I would call later and say, hey, i'm marty do you have any messages for me oh that's good and uh but like i was calling this one lady i called her three or four times and i

asked for marty and then she was like you're uh you should know these conversations phone calls are being recorded my name is jay curbs i live on 5164 Maple Avenue. I ruined my week. I want to turn myself in. I'm in trouble. Dad! I'm on fucking tape. Dad, I'm under fucking arrest. I did a bad thing.

I did a bad thing, Dad. I really think I'm on tape. Just imagining those tapes being played back in a court. Hi, is Marty there? She's got me. She's got me. I rest my those tapes being played back in a court. Hi, is Marty there? She's got me. She's got me. I rest my case, Your Honor. Is it illegal to prank call? Is it illegal?

At some point, it goes over the line to harassment. Oh, that's when it becomes a crank call. Right. It's pranks. That's when everything's fine and dandy. Prank calls. Prank call in the third degree. Yeah, I guess when you cause someone to lose business. Yeah, or you're just menacing them.

But here's the thing with this Herorf. What is it? Oh, yeah, Herorf. Time is just going to sell. This restaurant's going to get their delivery As scheduled Right? It's not like he called And also cancelled the delivery

Now that would be a good Oh if then he found the supplier And said I don't need any supplies This week Just fucking really dug deep Then he sent her $2,000 Yeah then he sends her the money. That'll really get her.

Yeah. If I was her and found out it was a prank call, I'd be like, thank you so much. I got the money, the $1,000. Let me, I feel bad. Give me your address and I'll send you 500 of it. Then she gives you the address and you show up to his door with a fucking gun. Jesus. And you point it at him, but you don't do anything.

Never again. Because one of these days, you're going to do this to someone who will have the guts to... Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! I didn't know how to use it! Oh, no! Oh, fuck! That's so fucking dark.

Well, you missed. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Shot off the house number. Yeah, which is fine. You just hit the mezuzah a little. I mean, who would ever know? Because presumably this person would have to travel hundreds of miles, maybe even thousands.

And I assume this kind of shit's legal in Louisiana. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Oh, is that where this is? Yeah, this is lawless country. Oh, yeah, you can do that. You can knock on somebody's door, shoot them. As long as they... If they promise you $1,000...

Actually, I guarantee if they promise you $1,000 and they didn't give it to you, you can't shoot them. People definitely die for less than that. In Louisiana, at least. Nothing up here in New York. God, what a civilized society we live in here. Tim saw Hamilton. For Christ's sake. Up here

we're rapping about American history. You think this girl has even heard of Hamilton? Not part of this conversation. And neither am I. I'm Amir. And Jake was talking about it. This is the part that's playing in court. Alright, do we have specific advice for him other than fess up, come clean, apologize wholeheartedly?

I mean, you could block the number. Yeah, that's the other thing. I think I would probably stop picking up. The right thing to do is to pick up and be like, hey, I was prank calling you. I'm sorry. Then block the number. You'll never have to deal with it again. But also you could just block the number and they'll get their delivery.

Yeah, and they'll maybe figure it out. I mean, those are the best prank calls that just have kind of like no end game you know it'd be cool i think you should start like a little a little bank account and just put a dollar a week in there and then after after many years he'll have a thousand dollars and he'll go find this lady and be like when i was a kid i promised you a thousand looking for? Yeah, the business went under. What'd you say about $1,000? I'd love to pay for her tombstone. It's $4,000. Really?

I'll be back in 40 years. I'm bad at saving money. I should really save more than $1 a day. By investing in Ethereum. Now, you guys got to do this episode about cryptocurrency. Otherwise, we don't know what the hell we're talking about. I mean, hopefully, we haven't missed our chance. No.

I think at this point, it's all the way, much like Hamilton, it's only getting more and more popular. Yeah. God, can you imagine a Bitcoin musical? Why, I think it's a little something. Like, oh, we are out of time.

I'm totally sorry. We'll do that next week. I totally forgot to mention the guy who wrote the opening theme song. So let's talk about him a little bit because maybe we'll play it again at the end. Just to apologize. Tim and Tom, any parting words?

Anything to promote beyond just the Complete Guide to Everything show, which is available on headgum.com and wherever podcasts are streamed? Do you have anything else going on that you could talk about or it doesn't matter? Really leading question. Or nothing matters. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. Or we're all going to die, right? Are we all going to be dead right okay dead in 80 years you want people to listen to your fucking podcast all right first theme song was from um anything yeah tim tom nothing no go to go to headgum.com and you can

find our show tom you wanted it's also there you wanted to mention that people should vote for roy moore right you were saying earlier. Whoa! Not even a non-endorse. Not even a, I'm going to let the people of Alabama decide. Just full-throated. Yeah, I mean, I'm just going to say, look, do you want a liberal who's going to raise your taxes

or a nice guy who, you know, enjoys walks at the mall? Well, he can't go to the mall. What? Wait, is there something I'm not aware of about Roy Moore? But you knew that he liked the mall. Yeah, I know he likes the mall.

Of course. Everybody knows he likes the mall. He goes there all the time. The person you've been hiring to read the newspaper to you has been lying to you. What? Yeah, you really got to learn how to read that.

Roy Moore works at Aeropostale. He's at Hollister spraying people with fucking Calogne. Standing shirtless outside an Abercrombie. You guys ever do an episode on Cologne? No. That's another good one. Just free little tidbits here and there. Wow, yeah.

Actually, give me your Coinbase login. I would love that.04 coin that you guys got. All right. The theme song, the opening and closing one, is a Bruno Mars parody written by Nolan Muchow. And his Instagram is at Nolan Muchow. So if you like the song so much, you want to see what pictures Nolan Muchow has taken,

go to Instagram and follow Nolan. But thanks for writing that song. We'll play it one more time. What did we forget to mention? The HeadGum Live show. That's right. In Los Angeles on December 16th at the UCB Theater in Sunset. Tickets still available. Yeah, we sold the last two out.

So buy your tickets now. Are we going to be there? Yeah. Marisa will be there. I thought maybe we'd be invited to the show. Oh. Yeah. Let's talk offline. We'll definitely talk.

I mean, I live right around the corner. Yeah, that seems positive. From UCB and Sunset? Yeah, from UCB Sunset. You should really start recording out of our LA studio. What a waste of travel time. Well, I didn't know there was one. And the artwork here is phenomenal.

Yeah. That one. And that one. And this one and that. I think they put up some new ones while we were recording. Yeah. Four other paintings have burgeoned to life right before our very eyes while we were talking. All right.

Thanks again for stopping by, Tim and Tom. Thanks for having us. Thanks for writing the emails in. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address for everything is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com let's listen to Nolan's Bruno Mars parody

one more time and we'll see you guys next week bye Get judged by the nation If you deserve it, baby You'll be put on blast Right into If I Were You Don't know which smoke show to choose Which Tinder pic should I use Lucky for you, they give advice

They give advice If I were you for some advice They give advice Take pen and mirror, no one's right. So drop them on TV, green light. Lucky for you, they'd give advice. On the podcast, baby. They'd give advice.

If I were you for some advice, they'd give advice. That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.