Segments - 306: Dicklish Tick

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

The GameBoy brings his girlfriend by for another epic game. We discuss bad gifts and good boyfriends!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only My girlfriend broke up with me so I'm a miserable guy But I don't want to stay at home, stay at home and cry I think I'll go out tonight with my so-called friends But my so-called friends can't go

Now it's time to get a little drunk try to fuck a friend get turned down by her friend do some drugs and do some harder drugs slide into her DMs and drop some hard C words now it's time to go

to therapist she said what are you going to do? I said, there's this one podcast hosted by two guys that I've never met. They live three time zones away. I think they can really help. She said, are you drunk right now? Uh, well, I said, if I were you, stars now. That's a good one.

I like that song. Yeah, that was by Joey, whose band is My Mom's Guitar. Nice. And the website is mymomsguitar.bandcamp.com. All right. He says, thanks for what y'all do. You're welcome.

And his name, once again, is Joey. Yeah. It was a theme song for our podcast. I liked it. And if you use it,

he'd love for us to plug his band. All right. mymomsguitar.bandcamp.com. If you want to go to the website, it's mymomsguitar.BandCamp.com If you want to go to the website It's MyMomsGuitar.BandCamp.com It's pure acoustic mental illness

Which is fun or something Yeah He says His name is Joey And he just says Thanks for what y'all do You're welcome That address again is

MyMomsGuitar.BandCamp.Communications That address again is my mom's guitar period band camp period communications. It's blue and it's underlined, so make sure you underline it and make it blue. You're getting very, very dumb. I'm clicking it. I double clicked it. It said, are you sure you want to open? Because I right clicked it twice instead of clicking it once. And I'm scared to say the website loaded and there's pictures and text everywhere.

I don't know what to make of it. Are you laughing or crying now? I think I'm screaming. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I think I'm screaming. Woo! This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, Amir. And me, Jake. We're two smart, strong, healthy individuals

doing our best to advise people out of sticky situations. Right now, on a personal level, I would say I've devolved into a Bitcoin rabbit hole. I'm devolving. I'm spiraling down this cryptocurrency. You're hole. I'm devolving. I'm spiraling down this cryptocurrency. You're obsessed.

I'm becoming addicted to the numbers, the graphs. I can't get enough. It itches every part of my brain that I like. It's got numbers. It's got ups and downs, graphs, stats. And cash. And I can actually make and lose money. It's gambling.

It's real time. And it's like porn for nerds. There's also some sort of like magical little thing of, you know, not understanding it or like... Yeah, like sort of not really knowing what's behind the fact that the last trade price is XYZ. Yeah. Why one is worth $10,000 and one is worth 10 000 and one is worth 100 and i benefit greatly from this because i don't actually care that much but your obsession yeah like you if i just give you enough yeah you give me the information you helped me sign up yeah for for whatever that fucking thing is you bought one for like six600 five years ago.

Yeah. And now you're sitting pretty. Last trade price, $16,800. And I'm probably legally required to 50% of that, which we'll get to later in the show. Just because I suggested it to you. That was my risk. No, you didn't. That was my risk for telling you what to do.

It wasn't your risk for suggesting something? Yeah, because if it doesn't, I look like a fool. And that's worth a lot more than $16,000. I did it because of Streeter, ass.

Well, who do you think? I'll give it all to Streeter. Wait, wait. Here's his... Baby Streeter's college fund. Here's his... Here's his Coinbase login. That won't do you jack shit.

You need the authenticator. All right, but we'll keep you guys posted as this podcast devolves into a cryptocurrency advice hour. So if you have any questions about your trading on that end, let us know because maybe I'll just respond to the emails personally because it's going to be very boring to anybody not involved. Maybe. But for now, we've got some real emails from real people to get to.

The problem is we didn't find any questions. Oh! What? Game Boy's learned to anticipate. I haven't even gotten to what we needed to do. Game Boy knows. I was hoping we could play a game. Oh!

He's here again. No, there's two. I am the Game Boy. Holy shit was hoping we could play a game. Oh! He's here again. No, there's two. I am the Game Boy. Holy shit. Who are you? Oh! I'm the game girl. Oh!

Oh! You have a boyfriend, Game Boy? Or you have a girlfriend, I should say? Oh, yeah! And he's hot! Thanks, babe! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Silly. So should the Game Boy or the Game Girl guess first? Game Girl. Yeah. I love her. Ladies first, right, Game Boy? Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're too kind. Oh. Oh. All search, ink. I hate the voice. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Ink. Good request, Game Girl. There's a lot of spam, but let's see if I can find a few questions that are related to ink that have not to do with discount ink. Ink was the original Bitcoin. You used to be able to buy it for nothing and sell it for a profit. Is that true?

I just remember when there was a little ink racket going on for a while there. I don't. You can refill your own ink. You can get your ink online. Oh, that kind of, huh? Yeah, like for your printer. Got it. I found one.

I found an ink question. Great. This one we'll call. He goes to a school in the Pacific Northwest. So we'll call him Adrian Sethel, because he's from Seattle, and Adrian's just a boss name. Ain't no name better than Adrian. Adrian writes, I'm a sophomore at a university right now, and I'm in a bit of a interesting situation.

I'm in the best and only improv troupe on campus with 16 other people and we're all great friends and it's definitely the best thing I've ever been involved with in college. A month ago, I hooked up with one of the newbies in the troupe. We both agreed it was fun and we continued to hook up since then. Now she's talking pretty seriously

about starting a relationship and I think I'd like that, but I'm concerned that we both are going to be in this troupe for another three years and I don't want weird mojo or potential breakup to get between the scenes we do in the troop. Is it messy? If we could potentially, um, if it's messy enough, it could potentially mean one of us would have to leave the troop, which would be terrible. Did I make a mistake by, quote, dipping my pen in the company ink? Nice. Should I not pursue this relationship with a pretty cool girl because a breakup could be disastrous

for the troupe? Should I stop hooking up with her altogether? Keep it real. Whatever the fuck my fake name is. It was Adrian. Adrian Sethel. Hey, Mr. Sethel, right this way. Table of one, right? Call me Adrian. Why?

Because it's the best name there is. Gosh, damn it. Would you risk it? Of course. Of course I would. I've destroyed friendships and improv troops alike. I've ruined group dynamics aplenty. And was it worth it?

No, never. But you didn't ask me if it was smart. You asked me would I do it. You're right. And I have done it. And I do worth it? No, never. But you didn't ask me if it was smart. You asked me would I do it. You're right. And I have done it. And I do do it. Would you learn from your mistake? I never did before.

It's hard to stop. Why start now? Once the train is leaving the station, it's hard to stop it from going. And once you're in too deep, you can't. It's like all's fair in love and war. You start acting irrational. Yeah, he's also, I mean, you can't really look back at this now and be like, should I get into this relationship?

You guys have been hooking up for a while. You're already in the relationship. Oh! Oh! You can't be like... We're going to answer the question. Sorry. I don't want them to get cockier confident.

They're starting to chime in. Yeah. Not with anything meaningful. Right. All we need to do is to like chime in. Yeah. And the whole goal is... Not with anything meaningful. Right. You just... All we need to do is to answer the question. You just have to say the word when we ask them to. Right.

Yeah. So don't like... Oh! Okay, yeah. That's what I was talking about. That was bad. Yeah. So you're saying you shouldn't do it, but I would do it.

I have done it. I think it's okay. It sounds like he's being pretty thoughtful about it. You know, you're... Tread lightly. That's what it's all about. sounds like he's being pretty thoughtful about it. You know, you're... Tread lightly. That's what it's all about. You're going to move forward. I don't think you could be like,

should I get into a relationship with this girl and risk the troop? Like, you've already done that. You have hooked up with her. You've talked to her. Stopping to hook up is not a big of a deal as stopping to be in a relationship. But he's like, we agreed it was fun,

and then they kept on hooking up. So now they've hooked up a lot, and... I don't know. I err on the side of not doing it because he's a sophomore. But it's too late. They've already done it. Yeah, well, I guess I err on the side of him stopping to do it rather than continue because he's a sophomore. So he's still young.

There's still lots of room to grow. You're still in this thing for three more years. If he was a senior, I would think it would be a little more worth it. One, he's no young there's still lots of room to grow you're still in this thing for three more years if he was a senior I would think it would be a little more worth it one he's no longer in college two he doesn't have as much wild seeds to sow and three

she's a noob she's a freshman and he's a sophomore just feels very young so I would say should I not pursue a relationship I would say don't pursue a relationship unless young. So I would say, should I not pursue a relationship? I would say don't pursue a relationship. Unless you're like, I fucking love this girl. I got to have her.

I might marry her. I think he likes her. She likes him. They like to fuck. They should do it. And just remember if it ends to break up nicely. You guys can go back to being friends. It's possible.

From fuck buddies to friend buddies? No, fuck buddies to boyfriend, girlfriend, then back to friends friends. It's possible. From fuck buddies to friend buddies? No, fuck buddies to boyfriend, girlfriend, then back to friend buddies. I don't think, I mean,

I don't think that you guys, I don't know, I don't like, I don't really think that boyfriends and girlfriends and exes are like true friends.

Yeah. But, in a big, 16 person improv group, I think you probably wouldn't destroy the dynamic too much as long as you guys had an amicable split. I think it's safe. All right.

I think it's risky, which makes sense. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way. I mean, we are plummeting. And as two people who are now shorting Bitcoin, I mean, these are, it's just profits in either direction. I mean, we can't lose. We've gamed the system. All right.

Game Boy, do you have another question? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Another name, I should say, not another question. Oh, another word you mean. Yeah, another word, another word. That's what I meant. Where's my girlfriend

Oh She's in the bathroom I think she left I'd love to hear from her Oh yeah Oh Nice I guess she's taking

Tentacle Ah That's very Rare it seems Tentacle Huh Huh Huh

It's a fan script Oh We found gold This might be a This might be a Too risky to read What if it's not funny? That's possible

Should we read it even if it's not funny? I guess so I guess if it's truly not funny I can edit it out That's true No risk at all This isn't live Okay But if it's If it's truly not funny, I can edit it out. That's true. No risk at all. This isn't live. Okay. But if it's not funny, would I keep this part in? Or would it be like, all right, let's read it. And then it would cut to, all right, it wasn't funny. Yeah. I think we'd have to edit the whole

thing out because otherwise the guy who wrote or girl who wrote Tentacle would feel too bad. So I'm going to send it to you. And if it's funny, we'll keep it in. What you're hearing means it was funny. And if not, then you're just going to search a different word. So you'll have never said tentacle in this world. In this other alternate reality. Do you have your iPhone X on you? Yeah, dude, I do.

And do you have enough space on it to get this phone, to get this email? Yeah, of course. Because I have the most space. And I have the newest phone. And the biggest phone. And the biggest cock. Because it's the biggest phone. Smallest cock, actually. Its episode is called Calamari Cum Fest.

Hence the testicle. All right. Interior, day, office. Jake is sitting at his desk trying to work. Amir enters covered in splotches of what looks like black paint. Ooh, I wonder if he says ink in this one, too. Amir. How do you jerk off?

Not using crude oil as lubricant, buddy. What is that? Excuse? You have to stop saying that. Ever heard of squidding? What am I doing with my life? It's where you head on down to the local fish market and pick yourself a grade A squid or calamari, if you will. I won't. Next,

you got to make sure you de-ink the bitch. Really drain that sack. All the black spots are now making sense. It does say ink. Yeah, that's crazy. All the black spots are now making sense. Then you run yourself a nice three-quarter bath. I'm talking salts, candles, a freaking loofah, plumber's choice. Plumber's choice? That's not a bath option. Don't say it so confidently like it's a thing. I'm wishing fine for some fishing line. That's step two. You want to loop one end of the shaft of your penis

at the other end to the third tentacle of the sea beast. He's going to take off in a fury of pumps because, you know, natural selection and shit. Not what that means. Now he's taking off. Pump, pump, pump. I'm here in the case with his hand in the mood of a squid. Just as this little fucker finds the drain,

you ease your pain by covering the delicious sea snack in your man ink. Give the little slippery slut a taste of her own medicine. Wow, pretty expensive way to masturbate, bud. Yeah, I'm down 20,000. Jesus, you dropped 20 grand?

No, 20,000 leagues under the sea. I knew you read my person diary, dude. My personal diary, dude, I imagine. Sick. Not cool. That's funny. Yeah, I imagine. Sick. Not cool. Uh, that's funny. Yeah, not bad. I like this line

where he says, uh, cause, uh, cause you know, natural selection and shit. I remember there was

one Jake in the mirror where you said, uh, duality of man. I forget exactly why. Duality of man and all that. Yeah,

but I like when you like know some sort of cryptic wise truism. But I don't know when or how to apply it. All right, that was good. Good stuff. We'll keep it in. All right.

Do you have a... Oh, no, I guess it's my turn, right? Yeah. Ticklish! Hmm? Ticklish, I think she said. Oh! Ooh, just two.

Or three. Two of them that are unread. Oh, this one. Or three. Two of them are unread. Oh, this one's pretty good. We'll call this guy Jordy Tough. Because he's tough. Like Jordy. Like a Jordy would be. Here's my problem.

I just got back in the dating pool. Found a nice girl and we've gone out a few times. By that I mean we've boned. Ho ho! This wouldn't be an issue except I have a ticklish dick. There's that word, ticklish. Even if she touches the head or balls, it tickles so much that it bursts into uncontrolled fit of laughter.

This makes blowjobs and handjobs a big issue. Help! How do I make my junk stop acting like a Pillsbury Doughboy? Hee hee! That's a pretty great question. Yeah, ticklish dick. And I think he also has a ticklish dick. Really? Yeah. And an inky tentacle. Must be. Have you ever experienced a ticklish dick? Are you ticklish at all? Yeah, I'm very ticklish. Where are you the most ticklish?

Ooh, my little, my sides. Your little lower belly. Yeah, right. On the weight of my dick, actually. The weight? On the weight, too. Oh, on the root. I've experienced a version of this where you know when people go down on you and they sort of kiss your chest and stomach on the way down? Oh, yeah, and it tickles a lot.

Yeah, if somebody kisses to the left or the right of my belly button, I like laugh uncontrollably. That's why if I blew you, I'd go right to the dick, the shaft, the balls, and I'd work my way up from there. I would. I really would. I wouldn't want to tickle you. What were you saying?

Jesus Christ, man. What? Don't tell me about how effectively you would blow me. Pick one back up, baby. That's awesome, man. So you would end up kissing my stomach. The small of your little stomach. The small of my stomach.

So you wouldn't really go right to it. You'd go blow my stomach. The small of your little stomach. The small of my stomach. Yeah. So you wouldn't really go right to it. You'd go blow my dick. I don't know how I would do it. Yes, you do. You just said how you would do it. I'm saying I've thought about it and that's how it plays out. I don't know how it would happen.

It wouldn't happen. I know. I don't want you to blow me. Okay. All right. Enough said. Consider that. More than enough said. Too much was said just now. All right. Enough said. Consider that. More than enough said.

Too much was said just now. All right. I'm sorry about that. I know some fucking weird shit about you now. No, no, no. Don't act cool. You don't. You don't.

You forgot that. You don't know it. Anyway, ticklish dick. Isn't there a desensitizer that people use for sex? Oh, yeah. That's true. So it's not a ticklish dick, but I bet you desensitizer that people use for sex? Oh yeah, that's true. So it's not a ticklish dick, but I bet you can search like dick sensitivity because a lot of people, you know, like you can use a condom during sex and that makes it more insensitive. I bet there's like a lubricant. Yeah, like numbing cream or Icy Hot or something. Yeah, a numbing agent.

There should be that, but for the opposite. So a little cream that makes you ticklish. Ooh, tickle cream. Yeah, so I'd put some on your little thighs and I would tickle you. Don't touch me. You've already talked about

how you'd blow me and then how you'd tickle me. All right, all right. We're good. Relax, pal. We're not good. I am not relaxed. I know, but I'm serious. Now you're good. Relax, pal. We're not good. I am not relaxed. I know, but I'm saying...

Now you're eye-fucking me. Using an iPhone. I've eye-fucked you. So that's a pretty solid little tidbit of advice, I would say. Yeah, I don't think I can beat it. Numbing cream, a ticklish dick. Otherwise, you just... I mean, it's not bad if you have a really ticklish dick.

So it's like while you're thrusting, while you're fucking, you're laughing. You're laughing. Yeah. That's what I imagine fucking the Joker would be like. So I would have him face down on my bed, right? Jesus, why do you know how fucking everybody would be? I'm just guessing is all. When I fantasized about blowing you or fucking the jokester or the riddler or whatever.

The jokester? Yeah. This is how I'd do it. So he'd be giggling the whole time. Or if he, yeah, like he said, the Pillsbury Doughboy. Yeah, while he's fucking. It would be fun to fuck the Pillsbury Doughboy, I bet. Yeah.

What do you think, Game Boy? Oh! All right, that's good, that's goodbury Doughboy, I bet. Yeah. What do you think, Game Boy? Oh! All right, that's good. That's good. So squishy and cuddly. Yeah, he's soft. Soft everywhere. But also pretty light.

Yeah, he's a cute mascot, to be sure. You know, for Jake's mom's cookies, maybe your mom should have a little mascot. Ooh, that's a fun idea. So it'd be you as a little doughboy. So it'd be your face on a doughboy body, because you've had too many. Yeah, well, I wouldn't be able to be that, i'm fucking jacked yeah so good luck making me a fat ass mascot like the dough boy a fat ass mascot i'm just yeah i don't think i would be too doughy of a mascot i'd actually be pretty fucking ripped oh sorry sorry sorry sorry that's the burst your

bubble dude it's fine i was saying it would be funny. Yeah, well, I'm cut. So how do I be a Doughboy mascot? You wouldn't have to actually be fat. I'm not. The Pillsbury Doughboy is not a real person. Right. Right. Okay.

Just be cool. Did you know that? I'm about to cry. Did you know that? Just be cool, man, because I'm actually crying now. Yeah, I see that. Okay. Wow. All right. be cool man because i'm actually crying now yeah i see that okay wow uh all right we're about at the halfway point so why don't you dry your eyes and uh we'll be back with more questions and

answers with the game boy oh yeah and the game girl oh yeah giggity thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content,

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It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Hello, darkness, my old friends. The HeadGum store. Come to talk to you again.

The HeadGum store is live, and there might be some deals at it for the holidays. If you've got a HeadGum fan or an If I Were You Show fan in your life and you need something to give them for Christmas because... Or Hanukkah. We must celebrate the birth of Jesus with consumerism. Consume, consume. Where's my gift, mommy? If you don't give me a gift, mommy, I'm mad at Jesus.

Santa spurned me this evening. Wah! You know that happens with Hanukkah too, right? What? When? The war on Christmas is on! There's got... We're taking it down!

There's some shorts, hats. There's Yes Dude's beanies. There's HeadGum hats, HeadGum shirts. That pillow of us, the Jake and Amir pillow. That's awesome, dude. And then sweatshirts. A whole bunch of stuff. I'm trying to get my ass in a Jorts hat.

You don't know anyone who can hook you up? I already asked Marty, and he fucking blackballed me, I think, from the store. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm really sorry to hear that. Speaking of holiday deals, my mother is selling her cookies in a sweet little package. Mini cookies. What do you mean by sweet little package? It's a sweet, adorable little package.

The cookies are smaller. They're four tiny packages instead of one big dozen package. I see. I see. I see. Are you on the site? Jake'sMomsCookies.com? There's a mini cookies gift pack. A sweet little gift pack.

Oh, I see. They are indeed small. Yeah, they're mini. Oh, and they come in a little bag. Yes. And then if you eat enough, you can become a plump little munchkin like mini Jake was.

I'm a fucking jacked beast. Fuck. Look at this. Oh! Oh! This is one ab. It's so thick. It's a giant ab.

It's so dense. It's so dense. What else? Oh, live shows. We're coming to Canada. I should post about that on our website. So if you go to ifireashow.com. Tickets are for sale somewhere. I don't know how to find them, but they exist. website. So if you go to ifireashow.com. Tickets are for sale somewhere.

I don't know how to find them, but they exist. I tweeted about it, and then ifireashow.com. I'll put the link up. We're finally coming to Winnipeg. Hell yeah. It's about time. We're finally coming to Calgary. It's not just about the Jets and the Flames.

We're also going to be there in addition to those hockey teams. This is our triumphant Stan Rogers tour. And then we are ending that tour in Vancouver, March 6th, 7th, and 8th. Returning to Vancouver for only the second time. The Vogue Theater, where we've performed before. So get those tickets. The Canada run that we've been talking about for so long is on the books. The Northwest Passage, folks.

Don't let us down, folks. We had to beg our agent to make these shows happen and he really took a risk on us. That is correct. We'd look like little pieces of shit if it didn't at least come close to selling it. We're close to being dropped by the touring agency folks.

We gotta move some units folks. Our star has fallen everyone. Yes. So let's make sure we lift it up. Lift it high up. Right where stars belong in the sky. The Vogue is lifting me higher. Nice. Thanks, man. You got to, you got to, you got to.

Wait, did you ticklish or did I? You did. I did ticklish. Okay, so D, you got one. Snowshoe. What? Snowshoe. Snowshoe. What? Snowshoe. Snowshoe.

Snowshoe. Very specific. It snowed in New York this past week. Let's see. Is that one word? Yeah. No, nothing. Igloo.

Better. There's one. Oh, wait, no. It's a fake one where she just put a lot of words at the end. A lot of words? Is it a lot of words or is it every word? It's like 20 words. That's good enough!

20 words, you win the game! All right, I think it is. It is from Canada, so that's good, too. All right, let's do it. It's a Canadian lady. You got a Canadian lady, Game Boy? Wayne Gretzky! And it's a lady?

Yeah! Vanna! Vanna Gretzky writes, I'm a gal in her late 20s who has found herself to be single, and I can confidently say that I am on my way to finding happiness again. I was severely hurt by my last long-term boyfriend, but the tricky part is I haven't been single for a while,

for what seems like an eternity. And oh my, how the game has seemed to have changed. I'm approaching my 30s, and I was once single many, many moons ago. It seems like the times were a little more innocent. I guess I was also more innocent at the time. So I decided to download Tinder with the encouragement from friends to see what sort of fish were swimming around my neighborhood. But I wasn't finding myself to be totally attracted to any of the fellow single men that were popping up. They were just sort of okay-ish. And I thought, maybe I just

wasn't ready to be considering other males in my life if I wasn't finding them that attractive. But then, a very attractive friend of mine appeared on the Tinder page. I've secretly had a bit of a crush on him since I first met him a few years ago. So I swiped a yes, curious to see what might play out. As it turns out, he also swiped a yes for me. And oh my, over the past few days, we have been chatting constantly. We, uh, consistently. And what started off as a friendly, mostly innocent conversation

evolved into multiple very hot and heavy sexting episodes. Ooh! So I'm feeling a bit like a noob. It feels like this new development with said friend has fired up to top speed, burning hot, and we are likely to get together for the first time over the weekend. I am looking to have fun, but I am also attracted to this guy in more than just a physical way. He's a great guy all around. So my question for you is, how would you go about this sort of situation? We are friends, but not close friends. We often find each other at the same sort of

events throughout the year, and now we both want to get it on, apparently. But do you think there's a possibility it might turn into something else? Or if you start that highly sexual charge with someone, do you think that means that you are likely just going to be fuck buddies? We have a bit of a history as friends, so it's not like I'm hooking up with a stranger. I'm not actively looking for anything right now in terms of relationship, and I don't have expectations. It is the first time for me to be single in a very, very long time after all, but I guess I'm a tad giddy and nervous to be back into such a hot game, especially Nice. Nailed it. for the Game Boy, Feta, Gasoline Hammock, Cucumber, Icing, Alligator Igloo, Tornado, and Monopoly. Nice.

Nailed it. Were you trying not to read that because it was insanely long? Yeah, it was a little long. And I actually skipped the first two paragraphs. And you were like, this is just about a guy, if he's going to like her or not. This is like, basically, if she fucks him on the first date, will it become a fuck buddy situation?

Or can you still make a relationship out of a one night stand? I thought even like going into something with it so charged is an interesting question. Like a first date with somebody that you've already sexted with. Yeah, I bet it goes back to it starts a little uncomfortable as you guys are both thinking about the sexting. And then it eventually after a few drinks, it resumes where it left off, which was that sexually charged area. Yeah.

Is how I see it playing out. She answered her own question in the end, where she said, I suppose time will tell. Yeah, time will tell. But do you think he's more likely to be a fuck buddy if they fuck, or you either want it or you don't, and you get there eventually, whether you're fucking on the first date or not i really don't yeah i i think that it's so person specific i don't think there's ever been a person that like ruined their chances with me by doing something right it was

like you you were gonna do what you were gonna do whether you're having sex on the first second third fifth tenth date you didn't start a relationship with someone who held out sex, and you did not become a relationship with someone who had sex with you right away. Yeah, exactly. The timing of having sex, whether it was first or if I waited a while, it was always like that didn't affect me that I realized. Right. So the answer is do whatever you want.

Do you! But it won't necessarily make someone a fuck buddy. But if you really, she doesn't even sound like she doesn't want a fuck buddy. So I guess if you're not worried about. She does want to fuck him but she also likes him beyond that. Yeah. So she's saying like if I do fuck him or since we already had sex

does this put our relationship on the track of just being like purely sexual and not anything else? I don't think so because you can have sex with somebody. You can't have sex with someone constantly. Eventually, you'll have to talk to each other. Have you ever had a relationship start as a one-night stand? Sorry, start with a one-night stand? Sorry, start with a one-night stand. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes.

And so have I. So that's possible. And then you've also had stuff that didn't last, that didn't become a relationship, that didn't start with a one-night stand at all. So it can go either way. It seems to us that way. I wonder what happened.

This was written a month ago. I wonder if we can get an update. Wow. A little follow-up pup way. Yes. I wonder what happened. This was written a month ago. I wonder if we can get an update. Wow. A little follow-up pup action. Please. All right, let me search a word. I'll search. I will search G-R-E-E.

Green Bay Packers. Interesting. One. Green Bay Packers. Interesting. One. One question. Oh! The Game Boy and Game Girl are doing great today. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh? Oh? We'll call this guy Brett Favre. Right, so basically I have this girlfriend, and for Valentine's Day this year, she gave me a bracelet. Sounds nice, right? No. Sounds right.

Sounds nice, right? Wrong. I have this Green Bay Packers rubber bracelet that I wear every day. So I guess my girlfriend thought it was a bright idea to give me a fucking pink and red rubber bracelet with hearts that says and equals love. We probably shouldn't say their names. It's fine. Oh, shit.

Please use fake names for that. Okay. All right. And it says Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre equals love. What is that supposed to mean? I know I sound like an ass in this regard. It's not like the girl's going to read this question and be like, were you talking about me?

No, it's a different person with a Green Bay Packers bracelet, I swear. Yeah. What is that supposed to mean? I know I sound like an ass in this regard, but please realize how shitty of a gift it is. Jesus. To make matters worse, he's been asking me to wear it as of late. She does shit like this all the time.

For Christmas, she made me a green scarf and threatened to stop talking to me if I didn't wear it to school. What should I do? Do I wear the bracelet and get made fun of, or do I stand up for myself and break up with her? It would be, all right, thanks, love, Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Brett Favre, fuck. All right, Brett Favre. What would you do?

I think I've been in a situation like this and I wore whatever bad thing it was for a while. Yeah. So you felt too bad to be like, stand up for yourself and say, I don't feel comfortable wearing this. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I guess I also, I think I have like a higher threshold. Like, I never felt like, God, this is the last.

I hate this. I don't want to wear it, but I'll do it. It was like, oh, geez, this thing. But it wasn't like. It was more than a shirt. Yeah. It was a daily thing. Right.

I was like 21 or 22 wearing a ring on my middle finger. Yeah, I would say that's bad. That was bad. But I wasn't like every single day I hated it. It was just like. Why did you wear it? Why did you have to wear it? Because me and my girlfriend at the time, she had a ring that was on.

We were in a long distance relationship. Yeah. You do things to like make yourself feel confident. Like wherever she is, she's wearing a ring too. Or not. What do I know? Right.

Well, I never took mine off, but I wanted to. That was, we had a, after we broke up, that was a nice thing that I got to take the ring off. Did you throw it away?

Um, I actually, I probably still... I bet I still have it. Wow. That would be cool if you make it like your wedding band. That would be awful. You reappropriate it.

So you can remember your current wife and then also your previous lover in the same magical ring. These are my vows. And so you put this on too. And so I take you and you and you and you of my past. Yes, all of my ex-girlfriends

are here. One's doing catering. I think I would have to say if somebody gave this to me that I would don't feel comfortable wearing it. And hopefully they understand. Yeah, I think you could. But it sounds like you guys should break up for other reasons. Why?

She doesn't get you. A good gift. He said that he wants to break up with her. He said as much. Should I stand up for myself and break up with her? This is a really shitty gift. It sounds like you have a pretty bad attitude is the thing. He's a really shitty gift. It sounds like you have a pretty bad attitude, is the thing. He's a nasty little attitude boy.

Such a nasty man. Such a nasty woo man. But you have and did do this before. I think that if you don't want to wear the bracelet, that's completely fair. And I think you just say, I like my Green Bay Packers bracelet, but I don't really want to wear this one.

I appreciate the thought. It's the thought that counts. I'm going to hang it up in my Green Bay Packers bracelet, but I don't really want to wear this one. I appreciate the thought. It's the thought that counts. I'm going to hang it up in my room or I'm going to put it somewhere where I can see it every day and think about you. He does wear a Green Bay one, so it's not completely out of the question. He's not going from zero bracelets to one. Yeah. He's going from one to two. It wouldn't be the worst thing if you just didn't wear any bracelets.

Yeah. That'd be an easy excuse. Yeah, you could be a Packers fan without the bracelet. Yeah. Or you just say, I wear the Green Bay Packers bracelet on my wrist, and then I wear your bracelet as an anklet on my ankle. Or around my thin, thin neck as a small little rubber choker. I think you should have a canklet. A what?

It's an anklet around your cankle. Yeah, and then your cankle is so fat, pink, and dry. From the very, very tight bracelet that you're wearing around your cankle. You think bracelet comes from the word embrace? Because it embraces your wrist? Maybe so. And do you think anklet comes from the word ankle? Of course.

Of course it comes from that. Obviously it came from that. It's interesting because you would think that necklace... Which came first? Necklace had to be first. A neck lace. That one makes sense. Oh, because it's a little lace around your neck.

And then canklet makes a lot of sense because it's a... No one says canklet. That's a triple portmanteau. You're combining calf, ankle, and bracelet. A canklet. A canklet is a cank... I don't even know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the bracelet for your cankle.

Yeah. Which obviously derives from bracelet, which is... Can we add one more to canklet? Like another portmanteau to add onto it? So it's calf, ankle, bracelet, and then one more thing. Bracelet, something that starts with the L-E-T. Lettuce? Yeah, a cank lettuce.

So it's a caninklet made of lettuce? No, it's an anklet made out of a lettuce on a kinkle. Yeah. That's a kink lettuce. And I'm glad we got there because that's my last word that I'm going to search. That's the good, yeah. Oh, there's 80 emails about kinkletus. It's a good title for this episode.

Kinkletus. I don't want to bury the lead. Kinklet. call it just canklet that's good do you have a last quick uh thing to search um yeah okay yeah i do does game boy have one oh oh paint thinner Oh! Oh. Paint thinner! You really swing for the fences with this stuff. I don't know. I just don't even... Another for the Game Boy! Really? People know the Game Boy.

And then one question we might have answered already. We did good this round. Alright, go. Guy's name. Adrian! Setful! Dude wrote two questions. Believe it and

not. Need your advice on a recent social gaffe. I recently quit drinking because of an embarrassing incident in a writing class I'm taking. I went into class a tad lit, and about three hours in, I passed out in my seat. He was more than a tad lit. Jesus Christ.

He passed out after three hours of sitting. I've never gone to class drunk. Loser. Loser. I took the SATs drunk, high, deaf, and dumb, and I got a four. As a 26-year-old, too. I didn't even sign up for the bitch. He says, embarrassing enough, right?

Wrong! People love saying that. I'm an incessant sleepwalker and I pursued it to sleepwalk in my class while spouting gibberish in, as my professor put it, a set-up punchline cadence. I remember none of this and I woke up after class had ended. My question is, how should I dress this in the next class?

Should I be a coy little muffin boy and act like nothing happened? Or should I seize the cheese and just own it like crazy shit, huh? Should I even attend? Thanks in advance. For the Game Boy, ventriloquism, Alzheimer's,

pomegranate, malarkey, fuchsia, paint thinner. Wow. Very cool. Malarkey. Yeah. I don't think you can just say crazy shit, huh? After you got wasted in class, slept walked,

babbled, and passed out. That's more than crazy shit, huh? That's public apology territory. Yeah. Crazy shit, huh, is like your cell phone went off three times in a row in class.

This level is like, I have to talk to the professor, make a formal apology before class even starts. Apology to the professor, which I bet he already did. Yeah. And then coy muffin boy during the class. Because you don't really, I mean, you do owe them an apology, I guess. But, like, nobody is really expecting it yeah because i'm sure you don't have to i mean you have to apologize to the professor because you disrupted the class the kids probably just got a kick out of it yeah it's not like a kid's like you know you're really just you ruined my education last class

quiet lance you quiet um so you're saying apology to class slash professor, or at least that's what I'm saying, and then maybe he'll make you do it in front of the class as a public shaming of sorts. I would probably refuse to do it in front of the class. You would say, that's enough, actually. I've already apologized to you, professor. Why are you making me do this?

Yeah, this isn't your place. And suddenly you're condescending him. You're teaching him a lesson. He apologizes and you go, uh-uh-uh, in class. And he has to be standing in front of the class and be like, I made Adrian apologize in class and that was not cool of me. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, a little twisted around. And then once the score is settled, congratulations, you can start drinking again. Bottoms up, brother!

It's no longer a problem. You've cured it. Do your best to not get drunk during class, kids. That's a key. That's a key. That's a key lesson. All right, that's it. The episode ends.

Solid Game Boy up. Ha! Opening theme song is written by my mom's guitar. Closing one is If I Were You. Sorry, it's called If I Were You, and it's by Cullen. So thanks, Cullen. And thanks, my mom's guitar, Joey, for writing the opening theme song. If you've got your own questions, email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com.

Once again, the HeadGum store, still open for beeswax. That's store.headgum.com. We've got a whole bunch of new stuff and some good deals for y'all. So if you need some last-minute holiday gifts, check out our store. Ta-da. Good fight. Good night. And happy investing.

Do so wisely, people. If I were you I'd ask a couple questions to Jake and Amir Comedic mentors through the years and Ellen Floyd Some good advice for Jews and goys Please step into If I were you That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.