Segments - 307: Doodie Calls (w/Doug Mand and Jack Dolgen!)

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

Friends and fellow Poo-dcasters Doug and Jack join us to discuss clogging toilets, single ply tissue paper, and stinky sisters. PLUS You can hear our episode of their podcast "Doodie Calls" on HeadGum now!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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No music, or sorry, no lyrics Just the music Yeah, it's the first time we've ever done that It's kind of cool A lot of times just the music. Wow. Yeah, it's the first time we've ever done that, but I figured. A lot of times just the music communicates so much that you don't need words. Yeah. Jack, you're a musician.

Yeah. You get it. I totally understand. The double bass attack on that was insane. It just felt like a Pantera drum beat. Yeah. So it's not what I think about when I think of your podcast, but that's amazing that someone was like, this is what – We are rock and roll. This is where I go.

You guys are rock and roll. Yeah. Well, now I'm wondering if that guy even wrote it for us. I'd hate to be deceived. He just wrote an awesome – It was actually Pantera. Oh, was it? It was, yeah.

Jack and Doug, why don't you introduce yourself while I pull up the information about that song. Okay. Names, locations, sex, gender. How do we know you? I'm Doug Mann. I'm a male. I live in Los Feliz.

That's good. And I'm the host of a podcast called Duty Calls with Doug Mann, along with my good friend Jack Dolgen right here. And that's me. I'm Jack Dolgen. I am also male. Yeah. I'm sex positive

Oh wow I don't even I don't even know what that means That means you like to have sex I'm pro-sex I'm just very sex positive I'm sex negative I've never identified myself

As that either But I also am Sex positive is a movement Yeah Food positive I'm food positive Yeah I'm body positive

And I'm negative about myself Yeah Nice So you're positive about everything Not you Yeah That's actually a pretty good description of you and I'm negative about myself. Nice. So you're positive about everything, not you. Yeah. That's actually a pretty good description of you. The band that made that was,

it's a Montreal progressive metal band called Bird Problems. They're metal positive. They're metal very positive. Doug and Jack, we tried to have you. The band is called Bird Problems? Yeah, Bird Problems. That's great. That's a pretty good name. Yeah. We tried to have you the band is called Bird Problems yeah Bird Problems that's great

that's a pretty good name yeah we tried to have you on our show for the last like three four or five months maybe right yeah

but y'all are busy individuals we're not scheduling positive no yeah you're busy positive no but well yes but this is we're really happy

that it worked out yeah what a lovely office you guys have here thank you thanks for coming by yeah what's your day job just so people can. What a lovely office you guys have here. Thank you. Thanks for coming by. Yeah. What's your day job, just so people can put the context of who you guys are in the larger

world? I'm a writer and songwriter on the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Okay. That's a big deal. And Doug, what are you a songwriter for? I write mostly songs like- Sing a ditty. About birds and the problems they have.

Holy shit, you're in Bird Problems? That was you? Guys, that was me. On the axe? That's why I waited to be on the show until you finally picked my song. I came all the way in from Canada. You could have told me

I would have used the song earlier. I wanted it to be on the merits of the music. I am also a writer and actor and I write on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, as well as written for How I Met Your Mother and The Comedians and some other things that you might have seen or not seen. Oh, Jake and I almost wrote for The Comedians. Did you? We could have been co-writers. You could have been us.

Yeah, instead they hired you. They could have gotten us for the same price. But they said, no, one Doug is better than Jake and Amir. Yeah, one Doug. No, no, no. Just so you know, I have a writing partner. Okay. Thank God.

In either situation, we both would have been splitting one check. Okay, that's good. But I get to read the rewards of working with billy crystal and josh gad yeah wow how was that uh it was as bizarre as it sounds all right good it was cool and strange yeah and it came and went it came and went was it like a weird part of your life um it's it was just you know it was a gig it was a weird gig to like we were in the writer's room with Billy Crystal. So it's kind of surreal. Yeah, that must be, are you scared to pitch stuff?

I actually, I have a lot of anxieties, but I usually kind of step it up when I'm around like people like that. And I kind of, and I just went for it with Billy and he responded well to it. So no, I wasn't, I wasn't scared, but I was impressed. He's impressive. He's still super sharp and, like, he doesn't forget anything and his timing is impeccable, but he's just from, like, a different time. And then Larry Charles was also in the room, which was actually,

if I was going to be scared about anyone, it was Larry Charles. No disrespect. But he's Seinfeld director, Curb director, Borat. So he basically made my favorite comedies throughout my whole – the reason I do this is the projects that Larry Charles has worked on. I imagine he's a very serious guy. He's a director of many, many comedies, but he's just very stone-faced. He's all vibe, right?

He's the most vibey guy you've ever met. He's got long hair and a long beard. He carries a backpack with him everywhere he goes. What's all vibe, right? He's the most vibey guy you've ever met. He's got long hair and a long beard. He carries a backpack with him everywhere he goes. What does he eat for lunch? What does he eat for lunch? He'll eat a regular,

he'll just, I mean, he'll eat the writer's room lunch. Yeah, he'll order what we're ordering from. He was quitting smoking at the time so he was like

playing with beads a lot and he was like, are he and Rick Rubin different people? I don't know but they definitely had to pray to the same Buddha. They hold the same beads. They hold the same beads. Yeah, he was cool.

He wasn't too serious. He also just has amazing stories. But he's as neurotic as anyone. He has the same fears about writing. He's like, I don't know, maybe this is my last job. And I'm like, you're fucking Larry Charles. I was like, does it ever end? And he's like, no, it never ends.

Maybe this is my last job. He was like, he's just always, he's like, he's nervous about like, I don't know where I'm gonna work next. I'm like, I can guess where you're gonna work next. There's five things you're gonna do after this that you're fine. I'm on your IMDb.

Yeah, you got a lot of stuff in pre-production. Yeah. I can tell your schedule for the next two years, Larry Charles. Yeah, you're going to do after this that you're fine. I'm on your IMDb. Yeah, you got a lot of stuff in pre-production. Yeah. I can tell you're scheduled for the next two years, Larry Charles. Yeah, you're totally booked up. I just think he's like, oh, who can trade? He's got that kind of Jewish vibe where he's like, you can't trust anything until it's happening. And even then, is it really happening? Are you just having taken bad medication?

Well, this is happening. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. And you guys are here because you have a new podcast on the HeadGum Network. Yes. It's a shitty podcast, but not a bad podcast. It's a shit-based podcast. Yeah.

Yes. And we're very excited to get going with you guys. Yeah. You already have like 100 episodes of it. We do. We have 100 episodes, and that'll all be available. It's called Duty Calls with Doug Mand. And we just have people come on and tell personal shit stories.

It has to be a personal story. Yeah. And you were sort of resurrecting it. So you had like a first or second season or whatever you want to call it, like a hundred episodes worth. Yeah. And you guys wanted to bring it back.

The shit is coming back. We're already in shit. We're to our Mindy. Oh, I like that. We're a hundred episodes and we're already in shit-tication. Nice. Very good. Very good.

You have a whole notebook full of those. It's amazing how I've never said that before and I haven't. That's a new one. But yeah, we brought the show back. We kept getting emails from people who like the show and other people who wanted to tell stories. And John Gabers is a good friend of ours.

And he said he is a human shit story. I didn't think anybody had better shit stories than John Gabrus until I met you guys. But he's a legend for sure in the space. Shit community. R slash shit doers. It's a diaspora. Nice.

When you look when you look at great shitters and shitstery okay now we're having fun have you guys invested in shitcoin

sorry it's a digital poop cryptocurrency completely decentralized apparently when everything else goes to shit

that's the only thing that's gonna have value yeah so we're bringing the show back we've we we have some episodes coming and a bunch more exciting guests on the way that to shit that that's the only thing that's going to have value. Yeah, so we're bringing the show back. We have some episodes coming and a bunch more exciting guests on the way that

you'd be amazed how many people really do want to tell their stories. Yeah, Jake and I were on it. In a perfect world, this episode is out and then your guys' podcast is back and it's the Jake and I episode. So hopefully right now, after this episode, you guys can go listen to our episode of Duty Calls.

That would be great. I think we can tie that up. Everybody's got a shit story. You guys have a thousand, but everybody has at least one. When we started the podcast, it was the thing I was most nervous about is are we going to be able to book guests?

Are we going to get enough people? That has not been a problem right now. Because everyone's like i can tell you about the worst shit experience i ever had everyone has a friend everyone comes in then has five friends it's like oh you know who you got to talk to and then we always say we don't want to hear it like jack and i like to not we don't want to hear the stories beforehand because we wanted to feel like it feels when you're sitting around with a group of friends and you're telling a shameful story that you're kind of embarrassed about and we want to kind of create that, have that energy going on.

So we like to come in clean and then get just shat all over. And then just get dirty. And then just wipe it up. Well, this is an advice podcast. This show is If I Were You, but we were able to find some duty-related questions. All right. So hopefully make it more of a crossover episode. So if you guys are willing to indulge us, why don't we start with the first duty-related

question, which is written by a guy. So Doug, do you have a fake guy's name, just so we can preserve this guy's anonymity while we answer his question? Do I have a fake guy's name? Just give me any guy's name that you can come up with. Charlana. That's with. Charlana. That's good. What, Charlana?

Charlana. Charlana. It sounds like a woman's name, but it's actually... It's not actually. And Charlana's been dealing with that his whole entire life. Yeah. And it's an anagram for Larry Charles? Oh, God, I've said too much.

All right, Charlana writes, My sister-in-law has been staying with me and my wife for the past week. I noticed that we've been going through quite a bit of toilet paper since she's been here. We usually don't need to replace the roll that often, probably less than once a week. But since she's been here, I've replaced it twice. That by itself would be okay, but yesterday I went to the bathroom after her and discovered that she had plugged the toilet. She must have just flushed, assuming it

would go all down fine, because there was no way she could have just been nonchalant as she was if she had realized what she'd done. I didn't feel like I really had a choice, so I plunged the toilet and did my business, which was pretty obvious from the plunging that the floater she left wasn't the issue. It was way, way, way too much toilet paper. Since that point, I can't look at her in the eye without thinking about it. She's just living her life like she didn't plug up our toilet, but she did. I'm not saying I've never plugged a toilet, but every time it's happened, I feel such great shame that I can't imagine leaving the bathroom without having 100% certainty that it all flushes and it has been successful.

So my question is, would it be weird to ask her to use less toilet paper? Is there a way to bring it up without bringing up the fact that I had to plunge the toilet after her? Do most people keep such a close eye on how much toilet paper is being used? Thanks, guys. Keep up the great work. And love the show. Love, Charlana. That's a terrible name. Let's call him Charlie.

Charlie for short. So this is, what do you guys think of toilet paper versus poop clogging the toilet? Is it mostly toilet paper? Is it a poop thing? It's an interesting predicament that he's in. I want to just, like, you guys are such experts. Yeah, of course.

Jack just put on a different pair of glasses for this. predicament that he's in. I want to just like... You guys are such experts. I was just reading the question like, ah, ah, ah. Jack just put on a different pair of glasses for this fantastic question, even though he's not reading anything. They're half glasses. They're like little reading blindfolds. And the very tip of his nose. Just push these up.

Where did that cup of tea come from? First, I want to just say that I think for two people to only change the toilet roll once a week is, I would say, a little less than average. I think that's a low toilet paper usage. Definitely for us it is. For us, the roll is going to go every two to three days. So kudos to this couple for being conservative with their toilet paper use. Yeah, thank you.

Wait, even with a bidet, are you using that much TP? No, no. The bidet has changed everything. It's a new bidet. Yeah. It's a brand new. That was such an identical laugh. That laugh was identical.

You guys both moved your head the exact same angle. Well, because we didn't want it to like fuck with the mic. You guys are great. Professionals. What do you think about the cloggage? My gut is that he's probably right. Have you guys ever heard people saying, plugged the toilet? That was new to me. Thank you for saying that.

That was the first weird thing I noticed. That was the first thing where I was like, is this guy a narc? Is he an alien who's like, I know what people... I've never heard plugged the toilet. Yeah, he's just learned he's an alien that just learned the language everyone is plugging

the toilet hippity hop hippity hop I have a sister there's kind of like a prideful joy or like a half shame half joy

be like I clogged the toilet well I guess I like have a crazy bowel movement but it's really just like an inefficient use of toilet paper is what does it

and flushing it's almost never in my experience a huge shit that does it. It must be so big. And if it is, that is something to be proud of. Yeah, but I think people have the pride of, oh, I guess I got to take huge shits. But it sounds like toilet paper.

This sounds like toilet paper. It does. It does, and that's not uncommon. And I would urge Charlotte to begin with just exercising a lot of empathy in this situation. That's exactly right, Jack. Because there's so many unknown factors

here and one possibility that comes to mind, honestly, is that like she had a wipe that just wouldn't stop. Yep. And that does happen. But then you gotta do the multiple flushes. You to do the multiple flushes. You got to do the multiple flushes.

That's true. What I'm hearing in this from Charlie is I think he's trying to couch his, can I tell her to use less toilet paper? It's not about that. Charlie is mad that he had to unclog the toilet or unplug it. And he wants an excuse to say that. That's what i hear like he said we usually are one week and now since she's been here we went to two that's partly because there's just a third person yeah in general and it's also like what a buck to well i think i think looking at someone

else's floater and having to unclog it is a gross experience and it probably is making charlie just angry because it feels rude to him you can hear it in like the tone yeah so he's like can i say something and it's like well why my my question would be take a step back and look like what you want to say if it's just to be like i'm pissed and i want you to know i'm pissed i think you should preserve your relationship with your sister-in-law. Oh, it's sister-in-law, not straight sister? It's his wife's sister. Yeah, if it's if you're truly concerned

and it's becoming a problem on your pipes, then I think you should have the sister say something. I agree that Charlie's mad, but I actually have a different take on why. I think Charlie is mad because so much toilet paper is being used, and I think he's cheap.

And I don't think he wants... That's what Jake was picking up on, too. I think he's... Because the first part of it is all about... The first part is all about quantity. You can see Charlie looking at his spreadsheets, and he's like, our toilet paper intake is up 300% this month.

That's a passive-aggressive sign. Three squares max. Because you want to know what I think? I don't think her asshole is dirty. I think what she likes is, and sometimes I do this too, you get like a big clump and it's nice and soft. Sure. Like if I'm at my house, I tend to use a little less

because I don't want to use my toilet paper. Also, it's a money thing for you too. But if I'm like, if I'm at the airport where they have like those toilets that just suck the, those are very thin.

You got to use a clump. Well, and that's what I'm thinking is that like, this might fall on Charlie's shoulders too is what kind of toilet paper is he stocking?

Because if he's got this like terrible single ply, she's going to need to do a nice big cushion. Right. A lot of, A lot of toilet. A nice nest to get what she wants. Maybe she's accustomed to a finer product.

Single ply is sometimes just as bad as like, here are four strands of spaghetti. It seems like two single plies does not equal a double ply. You're completely right. It's such a thin... I'd rather use the conversion rate on plies. It's such a thin... I'd rather use a forest. What is the conversion rate on plies?

And is there an agreed upon global... There's no international standard. There is not. And so it's really the Wild West out there. It's really like single ply is really... It feels like 0.5 ply. I would rather use a pad see you noodle. It's wide.

Thick rice noodle. And at least it's softer. Thick rice noodle. And at least it's softer. A nice rice noodle. Which is what we were using probably up until very recently. Totally. Did I tell you about the time that I had to unclog a toilet without a plunger? Whoa. Have you guys ever had to do this?

Oh, yeah. Where were we living together? It was when we were living not together, but in the same apartment building. Yeah, one Santa Fe. I'm preparing myself for the most masculine story of all time well I first

I took a huge shit I swear to god I think I I think I clogged the toilet with pure shit everybody does it was like my last night it was my last night

in the apartment so I like it got all of my stuff it was party time in the bow department I spent the last month constipating myself.

Just for the joy of leaving it. Like one last night, baby. But the plunger had been packed. It was already at the new place. And I went down to the front desk. I asked if they had a plunger. They didn't. I went to like the gym bathroom, the pool.

I scoured the entire apartment looking for a plunger. Nothing. So I looked online. If you couldoured the entire apartment looking for a plunger, nothing. So I looked online. If you could unclog a toilet with no plunger. So what I did was I- I think you sent me links from like how to or something. I squirted a whole bunch of dish soap into the toilet bowl. And then I boiled a gallon of water

and just dumped it into the toilet. And what's a gallon of boiling water supposed to do? I guess what you're trying to do is, because toilet paper is made to break up in the pipes. To break up the shit in the toilet paper. A plunger, you plunge it, it comes back up, it tears it up, I don't know, it swirls around. So what the dish soap did is sort of, like, breaking it apart. And then what the boiling water did is...

Because the dish soap is made to cut grease and, like, stuff like that. Yeah. And would you say it was a greasy shit? Dude, it was so foul. I had to do it... You did it greasy? I had to do it three... I had to do it three different times. I had to do it three times for it to finally go down. And the entire... My fiance was, like, on her way to my house, and I was like, don't come home yet.

I'm making you a surprise. He's boiling hoodie water. I just wanted it to be gone by the time she got there because it was so foul. It was just like a brown stew up in the... But when it finally went down, she came back and I was so proud that I told her the entire story. And she still decided to marry you, so that's great. It was that night. I proposed to her.

You had to. But if your toilet was clogged, hasn't the water risen at that point? So you're pouring more water. That would scare the hell out of me. I think the water had like... It was a situation where the water had like gone all the way down. So there was no water in the bowl.

I'm sure. That's one of the ways. That's one of the clogs. That's the way better way to do it. Way better. Yeah, it's called a dry clog. It's a dry clog. It's a dry clog.

Oh, yeah, you got a dry clog going on. All right, I'll send one of my guys over, but I wouldn't worry. I don't even know if you can plunge a dry clog because there's no like water to act against the plunger. You need to lube it up. That's a great point. Well, usually a dry clog is kind of a good sign because it's like, okay, maybe two more flushes and this thing's gone. It was one of those clogs where you think, oh, I think I can flush this again and it'll be fine. But that was just not happening.

You guys ever do a wet clog and it's almost at the top and you're like, should I fucking risk it? Should I pull the trigger and do one last flush knowing that if it doesn't work and then like it's starting to go up and you sort of have to sip it like a beer before you take it off the counter just the head i mean well you never play russian roulette one of my one of my defining life moments early on in my life was it was this exact thing i really clogged my friend Matt Henley's toilet. Move the microphone. I clogged my friend Matt Henley's toilet and they had family friends over at their house.

It was early in my shitting career. I think I was 12. Was it a toilet paper clog? It was a combination. Yeah, a combo. Being young and new to the game, I just kept pressing flush. Yeah. And it overflowed all over to the floor.

The floor. Everywhere. So at this point, I had to go tell my friend Matt. And when you're like 12, you just don't do anything on your own. He told his father, who had absolutely the worst reaction you can have. He was so mad and yelled. He was like, what the hell reaction you can have. He was so mad and yelled. He was like, what the hell did you do? In front of their family friends, came up to the room and was pissed about the shit all over the floor.

I didn't want to do it. As if you meant to. As if I want to. And so then I spent the next hour with one of those squeegee mops. He made you clean it too? Oh, yeah. It's just like the saddest like just Anne Hathaway

character up in like an attic. The ship. Yeah just like down on Skid Row. Yup. And just sweet

like mopping squeezing out mopping squeezing out and then just like staying up in the room until everyone left. So yes I've been there.

You had coal soot on your face for some reason. Oh yeah. Somehow I got the black lung. Doug that for some reason. Oh yeah, somehow it was coal soot and I got the black lung. Doug, that's incredible trauma. Oh no, it's super traumatic. It's fully traumatic.

I was, yeah, I mean, there's a reason we do this podcast. It comes from a real sad place and wanting to normalize. I think that's the nice thing about your podcast. You guys have been talking shit about shit your whole life, talking shit to each other. Nice.

That's a good name for a podcast. And you just heard that story for the first time? I don't remember hearing it. I don't know if you'd heard that before. Because you have so many of these stories. I remember when we did your show, you had a story about how you shit in the woods on like a nature walk with your girlfriend on an early date. Yeah, that became my wife, yeah.

It's really cool. Yeah, this is... Oh, it's cool. So yes, I've Yeah, this is... Oh, it's cool. So yes, I've been there, Amir, and it's terrible. And so from that moment on, I don't touch it. I don't...

If it's up there, the last thing I do is flush. You just take a plunge? Yeah. Cool, a lot of times, if it's really... If it's filling up, if you wait it out a while,

it'll start to come out. It'll start to seep. Yeah, slowly. The problem is, if you're at someone else's house. Yeah, you don't have a lot of time. One of the risks is like sometimes it gets so high to the brim that even plunging it is too much water displacement. That's true.

And then you have to go very gently or you have to wait. And that's just a matter of time. And not everyone has that kind of time. I mean, that story was very bowel moving. It really is. Yes. Have you guys ever just left a clogged toilet and been like, well, I clogged that. I have to go.

In public, maybe? Yeah, in a public restroom. If I've done it, I've blacked it out due to shame. And I just can't recall the memory. But I don't think I have because I think, you know, look, part of what we do on the podcast is we take the stigma out of having shit problems and things happen. I mean, things happen. Everyone clogs a toilet. Everyone's done it.

Everyone's done it at someone else's house or at a public place. Like, you just deal with it and trust that, like, if you need to ask someone for help, if you need to go up to the guy at the counter and go, hey, do you have a plunger? He's clogged that fucking toilet, too. You know, you gotta trust the community. You guys are shit therapists. You really are. In a way, we are. We've had more people come on the show who tell the story, and they'll be like, that's the first time I ever admitted that.

And you do it in a way that's not like, oh, you're disgusting. That's the nastiest shit story ever. That gets 10 out of 10 farts from me. I appreciate you saying that because we are, I mean, look, do we have fart sound effects that we want to use sometimes? Yeah, of course. Do we hold back?

We hold it in. We hold it in. But yeah, I appreciate you saying that. I think that's something we're going for. We want it to be kind of a catharsis for people and to be like, yeah, it's just a normal thing. It is eating, shitting, fucking like we do these things and then we pretend that they were not doing them. So let's,

let's just come out with it. The best, the best shit stories are often ones that are not only are, you know, sort of funny cause they're gross or whatever, but they also have another like deeper psychological or, or personal or personality layer to them that we can work with and uncover and dig into a little bit

and leaving the person who told the shit story to sort of like have grown a little bit or we've all learned something or like there's something about ourselves that we've gained access to now that we've told that story. Yeah, 100%. I'm a better man for doing the show. I am a better man. A this show. I am a better man.

A better husband. A better lover. I couldn't get any worse. I think I'm about the same level of lover. Yeah, it's not going to help everything. All right, let's take a break. Did we even answer this person's question? Yeah, yeah.

So don't say anything, but if you must, tell the sister. Tell her. But also, I'm with Doug. Like, take a step back and like, do you really need to say anything? Just like. Because chances are she's, she didn't know it came back up. One of two things. She didn't know.

She didn't do it on purpose. She's not prancing around your house being like, ha, that guy punched my shit. She does not feel good about it. So you're not going to get anything from that. Let this one go. Yeah, let this one go. Flush it down. Poo it forward.

Nice. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions, duty questions with Jack and Doug. Doug and Jack, what do you guys prefer? They both are great. They both work and they both are great. Jack and Doug.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back y'all okay y'all want to answer some more duty cues yeah cutie deuce oh duty cue uh this one's interesting it's about okay i i mean this is just a perfect this is perfect poop podcast fodder uh jack do you want to give us a fake guy's name? Bob. Love it. You want Charlotta? Bob writes, in the past few months, I've noticed that I have to poop more or less every day between 8.45 and 9 in the morning. Now, right now, it's the summer, so I can excuse myself from work to go to the bathroom.

However, classes are starting up again in the fall, and on four days of the week, I have lectures from 8.30 to 10.30. I'm beginning to worry about my poop schedule and how it will affect my ability to pay attention. No matter how hard I push or how long I sit there, I can't seem to get it to go if I try around 8 a.m., so I can't go before. And I don't want to miss 10 minutes of every class because I can't control my bowel movements any advice or tips you have on poop rescheduling would be greatly appreciated

thanks love Bob so are you guys regular no you're all over the place I'm even less regular than you I think you poop in the morning. You just poop an insane amount.

I poop a lot in the morning, but then not always right away, different times, and then who knows what's going to happen throughout the day. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like a Radiohead album. You never know. You'll drop in the middle of the night. It's always going to be brilliant.

Yeah. But it could be in completely different genres. Yeah. It's always going to be brilliant. Yeah. But it could be in completely different genres. Yeah. And it could be a title exclusive. Yeah. Which is so weird. It could be. There could be no warning before it comes out.

Or there could be lots of anticipation. And you're guaranteed to get a lot of press on it. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, but I feel for this guy. The schedule. Big time.

This made me really nervous. For me, living in New York was a constant anxiety attack because getting on a subway, I was always scared that I'd be stuck under there. I actually had to up my doses of Prozac, too. That's the true story. To counteract my anxiety about being trapped in a tunnel where I couldn't shit. So this is really scary. To correct a schedule is... The fact that he has a schedule is a good sign, right? I agree with that.

I think that's the glimmer of hope here, is that his body does... Is that the goal, to be regular? You know, I don't think there's... I think it makes life easier. It's nice, but I hate to put that kind of pressure on people. You know, just adapt mentally to what your body is doing. Just poo you.

You poo you. That's my favorite one. I think it's great that this guy goes at a regular time in the sense that that means that there's a chance that he can change that time because his body likes to go regularly. He's got to reprogram. Right.

But what he didn't add in there, which I would want to know if I was going to just wear my little doctor outfit, which is pretty cute. Yeah. You look adorable right now. You are wearing a nurse's outfit. He thinks he doesn't know the difference. Let me get the stethoscope here. Is what is he eating and drinking in the morning? And is that poop coming just from sleeping all night

and that's when the poop is ready? Yeah. Or is it a coffee-triggered shit? Exactly. Because you could have your coffee 30 minutes earlier. But I would think that Bob has thought about this enough to know that if he's drinking coffee at a certain time, like, that's a part.

So what Bob might have to do if he's this scared is he has to wake up an hour early and and start to change just to change his body because it does sound like his body is is respecting a schedule i would do that i would start that a solid month ahead of time yep to just just give yourself a little room see if it works and also you can't if you put the pressure on it's not going to happen so you have to have. So you have to have some freedom. You have to have a little time to be like, I'm going to try it. We'll see what happens.

If I go earlier, it's fine. If I don't, it's fine. It's like a skittish little cat. You don't want to scare the cat. It's a skids-ish little cat. Nice. Jake, are you regular? Not really, no.

You can shit in the afternoon, morning, night, late night, in the middle of the night. Never middle. I mean, it tends to be morning-ish. Like, I would – I used to – I mean, I'd like to shit before I leave my house every day. And most of the time I do. Do you shit in the AM or the BM? Like, down there? Yeah, like, down there.

It go down. It go down. In the BM. It goes down in the BM. I'll just say this also to Bob. If coffee isn't a factor currently, he could use that to expedite the situation before he leaves for his lectures. It's not a myth. That coffee thing is an actual thing.

It's real. What's the chemical? What's the thing there? I think it's caffeine that does it. Oh, really? Yeah, because I do tea and it does it for me too. Yeah. I do matcha. I wonder what the chemistry is there like how drinking something causes your to be ready i don't know i mean i'm

that's that's above our pay grade yeah doug doug only has a nurse's outfit so maybe if you put on a full doctor's i don't know if the stethoscope will help give an answer but yeah it seems like your body doesn't know the time of day. All it does is know the schedule of your own internal clock. So if you wake up an hour early, your body thinks, okay, it's time to poop an hour after I wake up. Like if you're regular, I don't think daylight savings affects that. It's not like your stomach knows what time of day it is.

I'm from Arizona, and we don't change our clocks. So I can't speak to it. Oh, wow. But that's true. Yeah. Never change your clock in Arizona. Ever. I don't know.

That's on the license plate. It's so much sense. That's our claim to fame. It's the only reason people live there. Arizona and Hawaii doesn't change their clock either. Yeah. You can't change time. Yeah.

Why would you? Who do you think you are? This is crazy. So like even in the winter, the days are just like, they're shorter, but they're not obscene. It just is what it is. You know? That's the motto. Arizona.

It is what it is. So right now, is it the same time as LA or is it an hour ahead? I don't know. I don't know. Because even that as a question, it's so confusing to me. Yeah. Even as adults, we can't fully grasp. I can't.

No one knows for sure. I think no one knows. Yeah. Well, sure they't fully grasp. I can't. No one knows for sure. I think no one knows. Yeah. Well, sure they do, right? No, no, no one knows. No, it's unknowable. You know what?

It's unknowable is a really smart sounding thing. It's unknowable. No one has a computer or a little phone they could type in the question. There's no way of knowing. We've talked for a long time about having a gastroenterologist on the show to really get into the sort of nitty-gritty of some of these more scientific questions. I think we should look forward to it. Do you guys ever answer, like, listener-submitted shit questions? Yeah.

People, the shitheads, tweet in. They email stories. We get a lot of stories. We don't get a lot of questions, actually. And we have a shit hotline where people also call in their stories. We get a lot of stories. We don't get a lot of questions, actually. And we have a shit hotline where people also call in their stories. Yeah. I mean, like, it seems like it's almost like

a hotline for, you know, like, hey, I'm mortified. I'm really scared. I just overflowed a toilet and you can tell your story and be like, I did that too. You should give the hotline number out. Yeah, the hotline is 1786.

Hold it N. That's the letter n really yep hold it in as in no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no because i mean it's what and it's really meant for people like bob if bob were to have to leave a lecture because he had to shit it'd be the call to hear a reassuring voice saying that it's okay like that's what i would say to bob too is like on to piggyback on jack's thing is take some of the pressure off. If the worst-case scenario is you have to leave a lecture, first of all, who the fuck is lecturing that you can't miss a couple minutes? Who do they know?

Yeah, I mean, who the hell are they? Nothing's knowable. Yeah, yeah. We already – there's so many things that are unknowable. And I'm a nurse. I'm a certified nurse. So, like, if that's the worst case, Bob, like, you're going to get through this. And then maybe you think about not signing up for lectures at 830 if there's no other.

Yeah. Yeah, and even if he has a tough first week, I bet you the body adjusts. Yeah. I think he's going to be all right. Yeah. Just a quick hint. Have you guys ever had hemorrhoids? I think so. But I'm all right. Yeah. Just a quick hint. Have you guys ever had hemorrhoids? I think so.

But I'm not sure. I have not. Wow. For so many shitting problems, it's interesting. I do get some. You're talking about your hemorrhoid on their show, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do get something called mysterious butthole pain.

Oh, MBP? Yeah. Is that like when the sphincter contracts? You're like, oh, what's that? It just, it feels like a. A charley horse, but for your sphincter? Yes. Yeah, right in the anus. Like a charley horse in the anus.

We might have talked about, I don't know if we talked about this in our episode too, but it's an amazing story. I would hate- Yeah, no, I won't tell you the story. There's a story on the podcast, but yeah, Mysterious Butthole Pain. I want to hear it. With Jake and Amir, I know. Do you want to know?

Yeah. Well, I started having this thing called Mysterious Butthole Pain, which is the term I gave it because no one can know. It's an unknowable thing what it actually is. But basically, it's extreme pain in the butthole. And I had it. Inside the sphincter? Like inside or like on the – It feels like it's in the ring.

Like it's inside but just barely inside in the Pacific Rim. Yeah. And I had lunch with my family down in san diego and on the i was driving down there to go hang out with my family and i had the mysterious butthole pain i'm sitting there at lunch i'm with my family it's getting worse and worse and worse and i just think to myself maybe if i just go shit it'll go away because i don't know what to do but it's really bad and it's starting to kind of like consume me a little bit i get up i wear it we're

at a place called the hotel del cornado it's in cornado very fancy old beautiful hotel yeah i'm walking down an outdoor corridor and all of a sudden my vision blurs, and I drop to the floor and completely pass out. Smack. Next thing I know, I'm, like, coming to. People are surrounding me. Are you okay? What's going on? I'm like, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I kind of half get up and fall again. The mysterious butthole pain. Because of the pain is so intense. He passed out from butthole pain. I cannot stress to you enough. My ass. I cannot stress to you enough. My ass! I cannot stress to you enough how amazing, I mean, it's scary. It's my ass.

Is anyone a doctor? His brother-in-law is a doctor. My brother-in-law is a doctor. He runs over. Who has Crohn's, right? He has celiac. He has celiac. I was like, my family is at the restaurant.

I can barely see. He comes over. He runs over. Oh, my God, what's wrong? And I kind of whisper into his ear, my family is at the restaurant. I can barely see. He comes over. He runs over. Oh, my God. What's wrong? And I kind of whisper in Jazeer, my butthole hurts. Your ribs down your pants. Now, as hosts of shit podcasts, this is the kind of gold you pray for.

But as a friend, I was worried. Of course. So look out for mysterious butthole pain. All right. We have time for one last question. Are you guys okay with that yeah of course alright let's get

a tag team first and last name yeah a tag team Doug first name uh Jameson that's good and Doug sorry Jack last name

Horowitz wow really close to me yeah Jake's cousin this is my cousin Jameson Horowitz I don't want to call this guy out

but his email does come from an Ivy League email address. So I was right about the Horowitz. That's correct. So I already feel inferior to him, and I hate him. With that in mind. Because I want to be him.

But clearly we come with no preconceived notions. But is it one of the good ones, or is it Cornell? No. No, you gotta laugh. It feels good right? Any idiot can get into Cornell That's what we're saying No Ironically enough it's brown

It's not really brown Alright ready? A girl I have a huge crush on was assigned a room on my floor While on the surface This seems like it would be amazing It presents a problem There's six people on the floor. While on the surface, this seems like it would be amazing, it presents a problem. There's six people on the floor and we share a co-ed bathroom. So far this year, I've avoided pooping in it because I'm sure that hearing me, quote,

drop some brown babies off at the pool, end quote, would be a huge turnoff. The next nearest bathroom is not close, so it's a major hassle every time. What would you do? Should I just give up on my neighbor and start pinching loaves? Or is it okay that I can just do my business? Currently clenching, hoping for some advice. Currently clenching. Yeah. Love, uh, Jameson Horowitz. Well, I have very strong thoughts about this. Doug, why don't you start?

Uh, I don't want to belittle any of your fans here but I do find it funny first of all I have such an inferiority complex about Abby Lee's I don't think you can say dropping brown babies off at the pool oh that's not woke anymore yeah that sounds right

I think it's not okay let's just not say that it's okay that's where we're at it's okay it's just something we're not just not say that and we won't say that anymore. It's okay. That's where we're at. That's okay. It's just something we're not going to say. He wrote the email five years ago. Okay, great. Yeah.

It's really old. It was a different time. There was a different time. This guy's already graduated from Yale. So he's, all right. So he's already making $1.3 million a year. So it's already over. But anyway.

Okay. So given that you can't say that phrase anymore. Given that you can't say that, what do you do if you're living on the same floor uh or sharing a bathroom with someone you have a crush on is is a great question uh jack you want to you want to you you have some initial thoughts it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter you're saying i think what if if if i've learned anything from my own life experiences and talking to so many people, men and women, by the way, don't forget women shit too. So she's got to shit in that bathroom also. Of course.

Everyone shits. Everybody poops. I have never heard a story and I've never had an experience where I didn't hook up or have a relationship with someone because they knew I shat. They heard me shit. I had to shit in a time that was unfortunate. It just doesn't matter. You should go confidently into that toilet and let it fly and walk out of there. Without even flushing, brother. And just be confident knowing that like your game is so strong that no shit is going to affect it.

Wow. And I would take it even one step further to say by doing that, you will puff your own chest up and you will come across as someone who is – I think that can bleed into other aspects of your life. That confidence of being like, yeah, I took a shit. It's definitely more embarrassing if she found out that you cross campus to shit than if she found out you shit. That's the emasculated thing. You're insecure.

That's not attractive. Let me tell you something. If this person, if anyone that you're into is going to not want to date you because they know you shit or because you shat, you don't want to date that person. That's not someone you want to be with. I think the risk to, like, having a normal shit in that toilet is, it's true. Like, yeah, it doesn't matter. I think what he's maybe scared of.

What I would be afraid of is, like, one day when I don't know what's going to be really bad shit and I go in and it's like, it's nasty. You know, like where you leave kind of red faced and sweaty. Your anus had started to bleed by the end. You're just. Wow, you're really painting a picture. Yeah. You know, like, and then you walk out and there she is and she's been waiting for God knows how long for the bathroom. It'd be a bummer.

That's like, that's the worst case scenario. I'll even say this about that scenario and I would be freaked out too. It's only human nature to be worried about it. But what we have to remind ourselves is that's happened to her before. She's had disastrous, awful, disgusting shits. She grew up living with people who who shat it shared a bathroom she maybe had a brother who used to take horrible awful disgusting shits and come out of there and be like sorry or her dad fear about that very bathroom exactly so if you come out of there and you take the worst possible

shit and she's staying there and you just go like one one of those days, how you doing? Like, go for it, you know? Or it's a great icebreaker to be like, hey, remember when I took a horrible shit then pretended it didn't happen? I'm sorry about that. What are you doing tonight? You guys sing the praises of, and you actually brought some to the office, this Poo-Pourri. Well, I think if you're in a dorm or an office situation, you've got to use Poo-Pourri. Poo-Pourri is an incredible product.

I don't get paid to talk. Neither of us get paid to talk about it. But you guys should do that. You guys should have all these poop products on a website. I mean, and you know what? To be honest with you, we know the difference between the good products and the bad products. We've tested them. And we brought some Poo-Pourri.

Doug brought some Poo-Pourery here to the HeadGum office because And a squatty potty. And a squatty potty. If you put a poopery, I know at my work we have poopery in the office, you spray it on the water before you go. Before. Before you go, and then that's it, that's all you have to do. And it just makes the bathroom not smell like shit.

And so. It creates like a force field. Buy it for the dorm and I guarantee you people will use it. You know what the dorm should have too? I would just go ahead and just say this. A white noise machine. I agree. That's a really nice idea.

Or a brown noise machine. So it's just so much people shitting all the time that it masks the actual shit. Yeah. It masks the shit. Then we don't have to worry about the loud farting that I think people are worried about. Yeah. That's definitely another thing too. You don't want to hear somebody

I mean, and you're at your backup school, Cornell. The least they could do is fork over some poopery for the doorbathers. Because at Harvard and Princeton, they have the white noise machines. Of course. If you had gotten in there, you know. Like your father had wanted. You've not been such a failure.

You might as well have gone to Ithaca down the street. Jesus Christ. Don't even joke. Do not even joke. All right. Doug, Jack,

thank you for coming by. Thank you. What a whirlwind. What a rollercoaster it's been. This was fun. Thank you. Yeah. Again,

your podcast is called? Duty Calls with Doug Mand. And if we played our cards right, there is a episode with Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on, on, on the HeadGum Network, and then also Jake and Mind episode. Yeah. So you can listen to those, and then you can listen to about 100 previous ones that you

recorded, a backlog. You can binge listen. Nice, nice. Another coming in by accident. Again, the opening theme song was written by Bird Problems. You guys remember that metal riff. Yeah. We're still together.

The closing one was written by Bird Problems. You guys remember that metal riff. Yeah. We're still together. The next listening one was written by Max Barrett. Shout out to his new EP, Jam Protocol, available on Bandcamp, Spotify, iTunes, and all major platforms. So thanks, Max Barrett. Thanks, Bird Problems.

Thanks to you guys for listening. The email address for all those questions is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We should have you guys back on soon. We'd love it.

There's more duty questions We'll call it episode number two. Oh. We should have you guys back on soon. We'd love it. There's more duty questions out there. We'll call it episode number two. Oh. Oh. Later, everybody. Things got real. This is If I Were You. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. Yes, dude. It's just us girls and guys Chatting and gabbing Things got ripped Well, I tell ya I've been on If I Were You a lot And it's never sounded like this Things got ripped

Oh my god I'm crying Things got ripped You host a show where it's advice about personal problems that are deep and affected and you'll never have a heart to hurt Things got ripped Yes dude problems that are deep and affected and you'll never have a heart to hurt things got written

yes dude yes dude yes dude nasty that was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.