Segments - 309: Two Jakes (w/Jake Weisman!)

Episode Date: January 8, 2018

Friend and Co-Creator/Star of Comedy Central's "Corporate" join us to discuss camels, knives, and his new television show coming January 17!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Would you say that was Ramones-esque? I don't know enough about music to answer that. What do you think, Other Jake? Yeah, I was thinking it was like the Ramones. I thought it was pretty good.

Yeah. It sounded like, 2020, 24 hours ago. Oh, yeah. I want to be sedated. I mean, it was better than that. No, obviously. Yeah, it was better than that. No, obviously. Yeah, it was better than you singing the Ramones or better than the Ramones? Oh, just

me, of course. Yeah. Ramones are their icons. So it goes you, then this guy, then the Ramones. I'm better than this guy. That band was called 37 Over, and you can find them on Facebook and Instagram if you're interested. 37 Over. What do you think that means, and Instagram if you're interested. 37 over.

What do you think that means, 37 over? What is that a reference to? Is that a golf reference? It's like a really, really bad golf score. A really bad golfer, but very honest. I shot a 118 today. 37 over, I guess. When I was growing up, there was a band that I liked called Six Under Par.

Oh. So that was a golf reference. So it's possible. A band can be liked called Six Under Par. Oh. So that was a golf reference. So it's possible. A band can be named after a golf score. I guess it'd be funnier to name it after a bad golf score. Yeah. Like six under than 37. Yeah, 37 over.

It's also weird if you're kind of like a punk band, that's sort of a punk band, to be like, I'm also into golf. But I'm not good at it. I don't care about aggressive music. But I did grow up playing golf. Jake Wiseman. Jake Wiseman? This is our first Jake guest, would you say? It's possible. How do you feel when there's another Jake in the room? I'm always a little stressed about it.

I'm used to it. It's true, yeah. Good Lord. Yeah, I guess it is a little stressful. Yeah. There can really only be one. It does feel like a competition for no reason. Are you a Jacob? Yeah.

Yeah, me too. So you don't have that on him. All right. How many middle names you got? Two. Me too. Jacob Aaron Gladstone Weissman. Wow.

Yeah, very Jewish. First done in the Holocaust, for sure. They would have been right around. Dude, you beat me on syllables. One of my middle names is only one syllable. What's your name? Jacob Penn Cooper Hurwitz. Wow.

That's pretty close. Yeah. Mine's a little, yeah. Aaron Gladstone? Is that what you said? Aaron Gladstone. Yeah. It's very Jewish.

Do you like the, I like the name Jake a lot. Yeah. I love the name Jake. Yeah, I think it works. I thought when I was growing up, I was born in 1983, and it was a pretty... I didn't meet a lot of other Jakes, but now, as I'm sure you know, it's like the most popular boy's name. Yeah, it is pretty popular.

Which is deeply upsetting. But I still only... I'm like my close friends, and maybe this goes to what you're saying about like not liking to be the only Jake in the room. I don't know any other... I'm not like close friends with any other... Maybe one other Jake. Yeah. I am friends with one other Jake and it, it sucks for me. Like, I like really don't like, I'm not a very competitive person, but I, I am like, I'm mad, I'm mad at you right now. Yeah. And you should be. Yeah. I'm really mad. Well, this is the first Jake podcast

on the internet. We're just talking, talking Jake with Jake and Jake. Yeah, it's weird. It's unsettling to hear it so much. You can come up with another name for me for this podcast if you want. It would be for Hurwitz over here. Hurwitz works, actually. Okay. Anybody call you Weissman? A few people, like my dad.

Your dad, whose last name is the same as yours, calls you Weissman? Yeah, he'll call me Weissman a little bit. That's pretty cool. Like Weissman, you idiot. Yeah, a few people call me Weissman. But it he'll call me Weissman a little bit. That's pretty cool. Like Weissman, you idiot. Yeah, a few people call me Weissman. But it's not, I'm mostly Jake. Yeah.

Which is, I think, solid. I love one syllable. It's such a solid name. It's solid. It has personality without having to do any work. I never had a nickname growing up. Did you have nicknames? It was like Jake was always. It was mostly just insults about how big my head was.

Oh, nice. Because So I Married an Axe ax murderer came out when I was younger. So it was like heed, heed move now. Because like the guy, the kid had the big head. So it was like heed was my name. Oh, interesting. Your head doesn't look incredibly large to me. I'll show you a different angle and you'll understand.

Oh, wow. He just turned to the right. It was like flat Stanley. I'm hearing. Yeah. But no, it was mostly Jake. Do you give Jake at Starbucks? Or do you say a different name?

No, I say Jake. I say Jake. By the way, you may have already known this. Did you, I heard that Starbucks tells their employees to purposely write the names wrong

for social media. Oh, because it's like a free advertising? That's not true. I don't think that's true either. If it is, it's the most brilliant thing I've ever heard. It is really smart. But I don't think like the top, yeah, like the head honchos at the Starbucks headquarters

like trickled down to the people over in Little Tokyo who get my name wrong. It's pretty brilliant. I'd like to think it's true. It's like what I would do, but it's not probably company policy. Sorry, this is a little off topic, but you said honcho, and I love that word and want to be more. Like, is there any point at which you think you'll get to your life where like, I'm the head honcho?

Oh, actually, I am. I'm the head honcho. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of honchos here. Oh, yeah. A whole bunch of honchos. That actually brings us to the fact that you have a TV show coming out. I do. So, you could argue that you're the head honcho of corporate. Yeah. Which is coming to Comedy Central. And you should. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I didn't, I'm glad you said it. I don't think anyone, I think it's hard to assert yourself as the head honcho, but if someone else asserts it, yes. Right. Yeah. Because you're very sweet. You would never say that I'm the head honcho.

But you did create the show. Yeah, co-created the show. Don't even say co. Okay. You're the head honcho. I wrote, directed, and filmed it all by myself. I honchoed it. And sorry, one more thing before we get into that.

I was thinking recently about how, I said we honchoed it, how rich people make nouns verbs. And that's my goal. Like we summer in France. And I like, that's the goal is to make nouns verbs. And that's when you know you're a head honcho. I also goal to make verbs nouns. Yeah, I think you're doing well. Or whatever that was.

Yeah, we created the show corporate on Comedy Central. And it's weird when you've been like a PA in your life or an assistant or worked at a chandelier store to suddenly be a boss. And you're like, I'm a boss. Like, I come into work not thinking that anyone will listen to what I'm saying and just apologizing before asking anything. But like, you have to get used to saying things and then people taking that as gospel and be like, oh, that's how it should work. Right. That's a weird thing. I'm sure you guys have that to some degree. I'm sure it's weird when people listen to you. I feel uncomfortable with it. I think that that's a good place that store because you understand that like when you say something,

many little things happen and like people go and actually do work based on a sentence. It's a weird thing because I don't know what I'm doing. Like I don't know. Like I have holes in all my clothes. But also I think also I learned from being a head honcho that my goal was never to really be a head honcho, but it was to never have to answer to another head honcho. Like, I don't necessarily want to be a boss. I just don't want to have to work for anyone.

Oh, interesting. And that's the main best thing about being any sort of success, I think, is not having – We're two very like Jakes. Yeah. That's like literally exactly what our goal was at College Humor, was to just like shed the people above us without adding anybody below us. Do you feel like that, do you feel Comedy Central is still sort of in charge because they're paying for the show?

I mean, for sure. I am a corporate entity and no longer own myself at all. But there is just, because if you're writing the show, it is away from them. So there are people that are probably smarter than you that you hire as writers who you are their boss. Yeah. And this happened for you guys.

You have a podcast network. So you have friends. Who are better than us. Yeah. But we were here first. Yeah. Which is funny because the sheer professionalism of the people who work for us is like it surpasses us by a lot. And it's like in the office and when we're on set,

you know, you say like, oh, this like, can we dress this up like a dorm room? Yeah. And then you walk away and like somebody takes that job so seriously and they do an amazing, like amazing work. So much better than you could. Right. And if I had to do it, I'd buy like a DMV poster

and be like, I think this will work. I'm too dumb or inept to be anything but the head honcho. Like that's like truly what it is. That's sort of the thesis of your show. You have to say the thing and walk away. You say something and leave and then you come back and somebody's done it. Also the weird thing, I don't know how you guys feel about this. I try not to think about it, but just because every boss I've ever had,

even if they were good, I wanted them to die. So I feel like that must be how people have felt about us. Because even though, I'm sure you're nice and benevolent, but just because they have to do what you say, they must say bad things about you even though you're unbelievably nice people. Right. They must dislike you. Yeah. You are the face of all their problems. You would have to – I would have to believe that just because I'm so dumb that like sometimes people are just, you know – get an order from me and they're like, he's a fucking moron.

What do I – but then I think that level of self-awareness helps if at least you're – at least they can't be like, he's dumb and mean and a bad boss. Right. He just has bad – Oh, Jake's good. He's just not that smart. That's what I hope people think. Yeah, that would be fine. Jake's a great guy.

He's just not bright. That's actually pretty good. Yeah, I like that. From one Jake to another. That's pretty good. Yeah. Well, we'll talk about your show in a little bit, but I do want to answer some questions because we don't often have two Jakes in the room dispensing their wisdom. People need us. Let's see how similar you guys are in this regard. These are real emails, Jake, from real people. All we need is a fake name just so we can preserve this lady's anonymity. I think the name we're going with is Jake. Whoa.

A lady named Jake. I feel like that's the next cool iteration of Jake. Jake has to evolve. It either grows or it dies. Number one boy's name, number one girl's name. That's why we have failed. The full Monty. The Jake-over.

The complete Jake-over. All right, she writes, So my fuck buddy and I were laying in bed. That's right. This is like an X-rated show. Whoa. Get ready. My fuck buddy and I were laying in bed, talking,

and he told me he's never ridden a camel, but really wants to someday. It's all fine and cool, but today I was stalking his Instagram, and I saw that two years ago he posted a picture of him riding a camel at the state fair. What the fuck? Why would he lie about that? Should I tell him that I know he was lying?

I want to keep fucking this guy, but I'm just so confused. This is also, this is the only thing that's been off about him in the last two months or so that we've been fucking. Thanks. Love, Jake. Yeah. All right. Wow.

Interesting. I am genuinely baffled by this one. That is such a specific problem. I mean, all I want to do, I feel like the best way to work this out would be to maybe try to have the dialogue if we were to confront this guy. Because it's such a specific problem. It's like, hey,

thank you for making me have an orgasm. I wanted to talk to you about something. You are my buddy. Yeah. I saw that you did ride a camel and you said that you

have never ridden, rode a camel? Yeah, it's rode every other animal, but ridden for a camel. That makes sense. It's a weird grammar. I think you could do like sort of like, you can let him perjure himself. Rather than say like, hey, by the way,

I saw that you actually have ridden a camel or rode a camel. What was it? What did we say? So it's ridden for goats, monkeys, by the way, I saw that you actually have ridden a camel or rode a camel. What was it? What did we say? So it's ridden for goats, monkeys, and llamas and rode for camels. I thought you just said the opposite. Yes. It just changed. I guess what is weird about this is his curiosity of riding a camel is so specific.

Like clearly it was post-coital and he's like, can I tell you a secret? I want to ride a camel. Because I have never said that. I mean, I've thought about it, but I've never vocalized it. So in order to vocalize it, I would have had to really want to. It is a freeing thing to say. I have never mentioned it before. Yeah.

Talking about it now, I want to ride a camel. Right. I do want to. What? Because of the humps. You like being in between the humps. I think in a level of satisfaction. Well, I have a theory on this, actually. Because that I didn't

I read this question earlier and I didn't, I had no idea what to make of it. But on the second, on the second listen, I think I understand what he meant. Which is? Which is, I can explain it in an experience. In a song. Jake, a beat.

So I rode a horse, or is it ridden a horse? So it's ridden for horses, donkeys, and lions. I rode a horse when I was very young. But like I grew up thinking like that I want, I really want to ride a horse. But what I was imagining wasn't like actually being on a horse at a fair or at a birthday party, which is where I rode the horse for the first time. I was imagining like riding my horse across the plains. And I think what he's saying is that he wants an experience, a true riding a camel experience. Like he wants to travel to Israel or Africa. He wants to... I think that's exactly correct. Thank you. Yeah. I actually completely agree with that.

So I think he got a taste of the camel at the fair. I feel like you're speaking like a really good liar. Someone's like, you said you never rode a camel, but I caught you. You're in the Instagram. No, no, no, no. I will see. That wasn't even riding. I want to ride a wild camel.

But I love the idea that he got a taste of what riding a camel was like. He got to sit in between those humps. And post-coital, like his mind clear, all that was there was like, can I tell you a deep secret? I want more. Do you know what having sex reminded me of? The other time I was this thrilled, which is when I sat between two humps and dreamed of being in sand. Yeah.

Riding a camel is not unlike titty fucking someone. You find yourself in between two humps, a rock and a hard place. You're sitting in between two giant breasts. That's right. Rock hard, probably. Oh, unbelievably. As hard as literally a rock, where it is so uncomfortable to touch that penis, because it's a rock. Yeah.

Ow! Make flint out of it. You can create a little fire. Yeah. I don't know. Here's my, here's my, what I would say to Jake. This guy is probably lying to you, but he has an active imagination and he has a need to experience life. Keep going at it.

I have a feeling, though, that this person doesn't, Jake doesn't just want to keep fucking this other person who's also named Jake. Yeah. But I think you probably like him and I think you should go ride a camel with him and be together. I agree. If two months has gone by and the only weird thing that's happened is that he said he wanted to ride a camel and you, frankly, you did the weirder thing by going all the way back in his Instagram and looking at Camel pictures, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I bet you wouldn't admit to that either. Right. Yeah. So I think you each, yeah, you each have a little secret. So it's, and like, that's, I think in the, in the, in the grand scheme of things, this is not that bad. So you say, don't bring it up. I say, don't bring it up.

But if you, if you continue dating and uh if you continue being fucked that's what i would say this is not something you bring up to your fuck buddy maybe something you bring up to the boyfriend yeah so we see how it goes away like wait a minute you said you didn't ride a camel not like so i caught you in a lie because at a certain point it becomes acceptable to go all the way back through somebody's i I know everybody does it immediately, but like if you really started dating somebody, then you could theoretically be like, I went really far back in your Instagram and you could tell that person without feeling ashamed.

Jake Wiseman. Are you Grampin? Are you on the gram? I am on the gram. Are you into it? I'm very into it. I have a very specific Instagram that is very crazy. So I'm,

I'm into it in a certain way. What's your name on it? I'll look at it. Weissman Jake. Okay. W-E-I-S-M-A-N-J-A-K-E. Here's my issue with Instagram. My issue with Instagram

is that comedians on Instagram don't care about being funny most of the time. They just want to be thought of as hot. Every comedian just wants to be fuckable. And that's fine if you admit it. If you just admit, like, because it's like people will post a photo of like this crazy thing and their face is in it for no reason. It's like you just want people to want you because you're insecure, which is why you became a comedian to begin with. Either be funny or just be brutally honest.

So I created an Instagram, which I won't necessarily talk about, that is really crazy as sort of a fuck you. I see it. I see it. I see it. I'm looking through it now and I see the comment thread. Yeah. So it's a little crazy, but I just think if you are a comedian specifically, you need to be funnier on Instagram and stop just posting photos of food and your abs. Otherwise, it's a great thing and I love it.

And people are expressing themselves visually and that's beautiful. Yeah. Do you follow? Do you stalk? Do you stalk? Do you do research? The most embarrassing thing I do is just see who watched my Instagram stories. That's the most embarrassing thing that I will admit to is be like, oh, that's interesting that they're watching me.

I didn't think they liked me. Yeah, it's a little thing. But that's a sad thing to admit to. Yeah, you're like, oh, they keep watching. It's a tiny little bit of dopamine that seeps out. Yeah, it's so sad. It's horrible. Yeah, but it's true.

Remember Facebook poking? Yeah. This is a much more passive version of that. Yeah, and that was heroin to me. So that was just like, I don't, like, that meant so much more than I thought it should. Yeah, and when somebody likes a post of mine, especially if it's like somebody I used to hook up with or something, I'm like, oh my God. Holy shit.

Jake still got it. That was a kiss. I'm cheating. I think that Facebook poking is interesting because the people who created Facebook probably didn't, oh, I guess his name is Mark Zuckerberg. We all know him. When he created poking, I don't think he thought, like that moment when he's like, we'll have poking, I don't think he thought about the fact that that would lead to so many children being born. You know what I mean? Like, that led to so many people hooking up to, like, future probably politicians existing simply because they poked each other.

That's really true. Which I think is a really interesting thing. And the idea that it's for anything but sex and camel riding is silly. And, yeah, I miss it. I don't do it anymore because it's like, it means, it seems like it's like almost like harassment. Poking?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. At this point, it's like- We know exactly what this means. Do they still have it? There was a time when poking was like the subtlest way that you could do it. Like, because other than that,

you had to direct message or, you know. A hundred percent. And now you can, now the new poke is like an Instagram like, or an Instagram view where it's just like, I did that to a lot of people. It doesn't mean anything, but to the people who knows that it means something, it means something. Yeah, exactly. It's, it's nice. It's good. And I like it. It's good. And I like it.

Yeah. So all your Instagram photos have a knife in it. Yeah. You can say that. That's the theme? At least one. Just all of them. Every single one, right? Starting from the top or was this a recent trend? There is not one missing one.

Oh, my God. I will say it's crazy, but it also, and I can't explain too much about it, but I do think it's funny, and I think long jokes are a prison that you can never get out of. But also, at least it's trying to be dumb. Do you comment anything about the knives ever, or it's just like always, that's just... I try not to talk about it, because I think it's funnier to not mention it most of the time. I see. All right. Because I also think that, again, most people

just want to be thought of as hot and I don't care. You know what I mean? No one's coming after me because I look great. You know what I mean? That's not fair. You're cute. I just wanted you to say that. But I do think that it's funny to like,

I like the idea of like people, people just going about their day. They just want to see what someone's eating. And then they're like, what the, I'm so unsettled. But I also have heard that friends of mine, like at home,

they'll just be like preparing dinner and they see their utensils and they think of me and they're so annoyed. And I love that they have to think of me when they don't want to. This isn't- That is like- A few pictures. Yeah, no. This is over a thousand.

For years, right? I'm a weird person. For years. Yes, for years. And was the first one a knife one? That was the only reason I signed up for Instagram was I had the idea. I was like, this is such a stupid platform. Though I don't think it's a stupid platform anymore, but I thought it was so vain.

I now understand it's just a way, it's a part of life now, it's fine. But I was so frustrated with the vanity of it that I was like, I need to be weird right out the gate. Otherwise, I don't need to be on there. No one needs to look at my face. But if I can keep being annoying, eventually someone will talk about it

and will think I'm more interesting than I am. On April Fool's Day, you should post a non-knife picture. I've thought about that and I'm terrified. Because now you're like a little OCD. Because then it's admitting the joke in a way. Yeah, exactly. Are you a little OCD about this? Like, do you think bad luck will happen to you if you post a non-knife picture?

I would love to say no, but definitely. I mean, clearly I have a problem. I mean, this isn't a sign of like mental health. Like clearly something is wrong and I need someone to help me, but I'm not ready yet. You ever have a good picture and you're like, fuck, there's no knife in it. Yes. This is an awesome fuck sunset, but you know what? I'm going to have to Photoshop it.

I saw, yeah, I saw like the most beautiful thing. I've been scrolling since we started talking and I haven't gotten to the bottom of it. Yeah, it saw like the most beautiful thing. I've been scrolling since we started talking and I haven't gotten to the bottom of it. Yeah, it goes on forever. And the problem is, is if my career goes well as I want it to, eventually I will be stabbed to death in a Selena-esque way. It will be poetic and there will be a biopic. And it will be like, obviously this is what was going to happen, but that's fine and I deserve it. Oh, that's really cool. The documentary would be called A Knife's Edge.

Nice. Who's the tennis player that got stabbed during? Monica Seles. That was crazy. And that allowed- May she rest in peace. Yeah. No, she survived.

Oh, right. And that allowed- That died a few years later. That allowed Steffi Graf, I believe, to be the champion. No shit. I believe that's what led Steffi to- To greatness. Yeah, I remember a lot of female tennis names from UPM.

Monica Seles came back and won a Grand Slam again, right? But she was never the same, I think. Yeah. Yeah, it really fucked her. Yeah, I remember a lot of female tennis names from UPM. Monica Seles came back and won a Grand Slam again, right? But she was never the same, I think. Yeah, it really fucked her. Yeah, of course. I mean, it has to. Jesus Christ. Just know at a certain point while you're serving or hitting really a tennis ball, there is a chance, because it's happened before, someone will stab you in the back.

Tennis is one of the most dangerous jobs in America. Yeah. Now, just focus on playing, Monica. You don't have to... You're freaking out, like, holding a knife loosely. And Patrick Rafter got clubbed before the pilot pen. And then he went to a club. Where's the movie about Monica Seles?

I saw an entire Tonya Harding movie the other day, and that was about a knee, a knee hitting. Yeah, it was just a knee. Yeah, this girl got stabbed during a match. Wait, it was during a match? Yeah girl got stabbed during a match. Wait, it was during a match? Yeah, it was during a match. The guy, I think it was a jerk. I thought it was in the locker room. Jesus Christ.

No, the guy like jumped over the brigade and like went up to her as like in between games and stabbed her in the back. Like security didn't do anything. And then I think the guy was let out of jail early because they're too lenient on their mental health law. Like, you know what I mean? Oh, no, he's mentally ill, so let him not be in prison. And so he barely served jail time and everything.

That's insane. Yeah. I guess what I've learned from that is you can stab a tennis player, and it's not that big a deal. So if you ever want to, go for it. Your life will be fine. Holy shit. Look out, Andre Agassi.

Yeah. Wow, maybe you are not good at giving advice. Yeah, no, I'm pretty bad. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions with Jake and Jake. And me. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. We were talking during the break about something and then I cut you off and I said,

oh, we should record this story. Yeah, we should. It's gold. We're talking about Tanya about something, and then I cut you off, and I said, oh, we should record this story. Yeah, we should. It's gold. We were talking about – Tonya Harding. Tonya Harding. And then 94. And 94 was a super crazy year.

I was born in 83, so I guess I was, yeah, 10 or 11 at that time. That was OJ and everything. But also, I'm from New York. I'm a Knicks and Rangers fan. And they were both in the finals around when that happened. They were both playing that day. Yes, both playing that day. There's a 30 for 30 called June 17th, 1994 that's super incredible about all the things that happened June 17th.

My birthday is June 18th. And I remember I – for my birthday, we celebrated on the 17th that year. And the way we celebrated it was by a few of my friends and I got to go see the movie Speed in theaters. Oh, shit. I love Speed. It's a great movie. I went and saw it. And if you remember, it's a chase on the 405.

Wow. Which I then came home and watched the Knicks game, which was interrupted by OJ on the 405. Damn. So that was like a very like, is this for me, this documentary? And it was a very like intense experience. And then I grew up to drive on the 405. So yeah, yeah. It was pretty, it was really, really bizarre.

Full circle. A lot of 405, yeah. I was at a friend's birthday party who was born on June 19th. Oh. And it was like a three-on-three basketball tournament birthday party. Oh, that's fun. And then eventually all the adults were just in the house watching the OJ chase. And then all the kids were watching the OJ chase.

That was a weird time because that, like, what was weird about that was that you didn't really know, like, it was like a lot of people, people were murdered, but it was really fun. It was like the first time I understood that no one really cares if people get murdered. It's more just about the fun of talking about it. That's very true. Yeah. It's like, no one cares. And they were stabbed, which brings us back to Monica Sellers.

They were stabbed. A lot of knife stuff. Yeah. Back in the day. It's all because of your fucking Instagram account. No wonder you have it that way. Someone's going to stab me, and I just hope they take a photo with my phone, phone and they post it and that's how everyone knows i died then i'd be fine with it it'll get a lot of likes it'll be on jezebel

i don't know i've decided i want it to be on jezebel and nothing else um all right you want to oh actually we we never ask you specifically about what your show is about okay yeah tell us about the show because jake and i saw a few episodes, and they're so good. I think I watched episode two, the PowerPoint. Yes. And how would you, I remember describing it to you as American Psycho meets Dilbert. Yeah, I was thinking it's kind of like American Psycho meets Office Space or Dilbert. So there's like the banality of working in an office, and then there's the really sort of crazy, sort of dark, cold cinematic part of it,

which you try to cross those things. It's on Comedy Central. I'll just say this bullshit. On January 17th at 10 p.m., you can also stream the first two episodes now on cc.com. Basically, the show is a dark look at office life because I think most shows about an office,

like The Office or Parks and Rec or whatever, are good shows. They're really funny, but they always portray an office, like The Office or Parks and Rec or whatever, are good shows. They're really funny, but they always portray the office as like this goofy experience with like a silly boss. But every time I've had a job that wasn't exactly what I wanted to do or even doing what I wanted to do, I wanted to kill myself at that job. Because it's a job and every job is a nightmare. And the dream is to not have a job. And I think that's how most people feel. And I think that beyond the obvious pain of, of knowing that it is funny that we were like, you know, like in our dad's balls, and then we're miraculously made it to the egg, then we made it to, you know, full term, we grew

up, didn't die. And, and before that, we were in the woods running around, you know, and now we're in these clothes, like these really tight clothes, like that are cost too much money. We sit uncomfortably in chairs typing stuff to make money for people that are so much richer than us. And I think that's such a funny existential thing about life. And I think a lot of people feel it. Like you get this one chance at life. You know that life doesn't matter at all. We all know that, right?

It doesn't mean anything. That's a foregoing conclusion. Yeah, you spend it all in an office for no reason, but you also don't know what else to do. God damn, this is making me want to quit doing this. No, I know, but also, that is funny. So I think, like, that's kind of what the show is about. So it's like, there's this banal sort of... One of the episodes is

called The Pain of Being Alive. The Pain of Being Alive, Our Point of Death, The Void. I love that so much. Yeah, and I think the idea that the best thing you can do with the pain of everyday existence is just sort of laugh about it. And it is a funny show. It's just about how everyone's so sad, even though we are living the dream and life is amazing in America for a lot of people, but all of us are unhappy and we don't have another option. So that's kind of what the show's about. We should be a lot happier, basically. So much happier, but we don't,

I think we have too much happiness that happiness doesn't make us happy. You know what I mean? It's like the things we have are so incredible. Like we don't really have that much pain, like in our body. We can get medicine for everything. So now it's like, what do I want?

The problem is that everybody can get that stuff. So you don't feel special. Right, yeah. Like Amir has the same shoes as I do. So? The problem is that everybody can get that stuff. So you don't feel special. Yeah. Like it has to be. Amir has the same shoes as I do. So how can I be happy about my shoes? Exactly. I'm like, if your feet got chopped off, then I'd be happy.

You have the name Jake and I'm jealous, you know, and I have that name. What happened to the, everything was going well for me before. Yeah. And so I think that that's why the, it's a more, I think, honest look at what it's like to have a job. But it's also funny and cool and I think people will like it. And Lance Reddick is in it. Lance Reddick from The Wire, obviously unbelievable. Adam Lustick.

Adam Lustick. Our two favorite actors, Adam Lustick and Lance Reddick. Yeah. It really – it's always been fun for me to see Lance Reddick do things and do comedy. He's so intense. He's incredible at it. He's so intense. He's incredible at it. He's so incredible. I always felt like comedy, I like a lot of comedy that's silly like Airplane, but what

I love about Airplane is they take it, it's a drama that is giving them the silliest words to say. And I always think that drama is so funny because life is not that intense moment to moment, but a drama is so intense. And so if you have them just say the craziest shit, but they're like staring at you and not blinking, that makes me laugh. You know,

just give really good actors dumb shit to say. Not to give too much away, but in the episode that I saw the, it like there's a part where Lance Reddick is just saying font names. Yes. Like working out a PowerPoint. He's like, Helvetica new.

Yeah. No, damn it. It's the best. Like working out a PowerPoint. Yeah. Like Helvetica New. Yeah. No, damn it. It's the best. Like I think it's, if you can get people who trained at Juilliard and Yale to read the phone book, that is actually

what I want to watch. Yeah. Like I want to watch the dumbest stuff taken in the most serious, intense way possible. There was a New York Times video that was like

all these amazing actors reading the lines to One Dance by Drake. Yeah. That was just. It's super funny. Adam's also like a Shakespearean actor. He is.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's amazing. I mean, Adam also, I've said this several times, but I'm so glad that he hasn't been that successful yet because we get to use him for not that much money. Like he's so talented. He's so funny. And he has unfortunately suffered for him. But for me, we get to have him and use him and pretend that we broke him. And it's great.

And then he'll owe it to you. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. And he will really feel that. Like Adam will definitely feel guilty and like so beholden. And I love that. And I will lord it over him. Oh, for sure.

Oh, will I lord. Yeah. So the plan is 10 episodes for season one? 10 episodes for season one. Ten episodes for season one. Once a week? Yeah, there's gonna be two on the, they're gonna play the first two episodes on January 17th, but then they'll be one a week for the next eight

episodes. And I think, I guess they'll be online after they premiere or something. That's the real thing. It's all about that cultural cachet. It really, it's weird. It's not, it is about viewers, but it's more about how many people are tweeting about it. Yes really, it's weird. It's not, it is about viewers, but it's more about how many people are tweeting about it.

Yes. Isn't that weird? Like executives are like refreshing Twitter and be like, like Johnny Q asshole is deciding the fate of this show.

Absolutely. If you read eight good tweets in a row, then the show will get renewed. It's so bizarre. It really is it. And also, even if people

don't like the show, but they're tweeting about it a lot, that's great. Trending. Yeah. Trending. Any sort of conversation. So like it or hate it, let's just all talk, but they're tweeting about it a lot, that's great. Trending. Yeah. Trending. Any sort of conversation.

So like it or hate it, let's just all talk about it. Just talk about it. Please, I'm begging you to talk. Yeah, absolutely. I remember tweeting once. I'm like, how did Seinfeld get such good ratings if Jerry never even was around to live tweet the show? It's so weird. Like that's the only way shows succeed now is like I'm live tweeting the show.

Watch the show with me. I'm going to tweet while it's happening. What a weird, weird time. Anyway, are you going to live tweet the premiere? Yeah, I have to. Contractually, I have to. So yeah, I'll be live

tweeting the premiere. You better believe. Stupid hashtags, all of it. Oh, yeah. Like it won't be funny and I'll definitely do it. A lot of knife pictures everywhere.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm excited to see what people think. Me too. We loved it a lot. It's hard to do something original and it really, it looks original. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm excited to see what people think. Me too. We loved it a lot. It's hard to do something original, and it really looks original. Yeah, thank you very much.

It's not like anything that's been done before. We tried to make it look good because the things that I like are like Coen Brothers movies or David Fincher movies. Yes, it looks like Fight Club. Yeah, it's like kind of trying to be like a Fight Club if the guys were too lazy to start a Fight Club.

You know what I mean? It's like, I don't want to get hit in the face but i am sad so let's talk about i want to feel something yeah we tried to make it look like that because i just i don't know i love that shit yeah that's right does anybody ever laugh on the show no well actually yes i saw people were laughing about about war yeah they're laughing about killing people so like it like, because I think we're trying to make a satire. And so they're only laughing about death and destruction. They're not laughing about how funny their lives are. They're very serious. I like the tagline of, I think we're trying to make a satire.

Yeah. I think so. I don't know. It's hard to say you're making a satire because you're like, I'm smart. Yeah. And I know society. But that's what we're trying to do. Yeah. All right. Let's try to answer a few more questions.

We need another man's name. Lance Reddick. I like that. Is he a nice guy? IRL. So nice. He's the opposite of every character he plays. He's a sweet, sweet man. What is he eating for lunch? Because he's just jacked. He's so chiseled.

Have you ever seen him like eat a donut? No, he eats protein. Yeah. Yeah, and he works out. A lot. And I don't, I'll never look that good. And it's so exciting. Yeah, he just looks amazing.

All right. So Lance Reddick writes, I'm a 23-year-old dude from Texas and I found myself in quite a sticky situation. So about three months ago, I went out to some bars with some friends to have some drinks and get our dance on. While we were on the dance floor, I saw out of the corner of my eye my friend very sneakily poke a girl that was near me on the dance floor several times. I, being drunk at the time, just thought this was his way of trying to get me to talk to the girl or dance with her.

But what actually happened was that he was grabbing their butts. Later on in the night, one of my friends says we have to leave the bar because my friend got kicked out for grabbing girls' butts. What makes it even more fucked is that my friend has a girlfriend that was there with us at the bar, and she's also a very good friend of mine. So I go to the bathroom before we leave the bar, and I'm freaking out that there's like a big drama fight happening outside between my friend and his girlfriend. So I had the drunk idea that I'd be some kind of fucking hero and take a bullet for my friend

and say that it was me who touched the girl's butts. I thought it would just blow over quickly, and guess what? It hasn't. Several of my friends were mad at me and were lecturing me and turned this into this whole thing. Now, three months later, I'm hearing that other friends of mine don't want to hang out with me and think I'm a bad person because of this whole butt-grabbing fiasco.

I feel like at this point, the lie has gone on for too long, that if the truth comes out, it'll be terrible for everyone. I really don't want to be, I really don't want my two friends to break up because of it. And it would be a very sad and emotional thing if that happened. But I'm not really liking being painted in this villainous ass pervert way. What should I do now? Love, Lance Reddick. Do you follow that? I mean, yeah, I did. I have a lot of feelings about it. First of all, one option is to just join the alt-right. Because I feel like, you know, that they will accept you.

But actually, this sort of happened to me when I was younger. When I was younger, I went to, I lived in New York. I went to a show at Roseland Ballroom when I was like 13 or something with some friends. I had one particular friend who was an asshole. And I was standing like a few feet in back of him and there was like sort of like a mosh pit or people were dancing and my friend goes, watch this. And I didn't know what he was going to do.

There was a young woman standing in front of us, like five feet in front of us. And he went up and grabbed her ass, which I was immediately horrified by. And then she turned left and he happened to turn right. So she didn't see him. He like got away with it. And then she looked directly at me, assumed it was me.

And I was just like, what is happening? She walked up to me, cracked me in the jaw with my right hand. I was like, what the fuck? And then with her left hand, she smacked me in the other cheek and then just went back to partying.

And then a bunch of guys who hadn't seen what happened assumed I did it. And were like, what did you fucking do? And I had to like leave the concert. And I was like, what was weird about it was I didn't do it. I thought it was horrifying, but she was right to hit someone. So I felt like she needed to do that for her but i had to take the blame and i was so mad at my friend i'm still mad about it i guess um i think you should definitely tell i think you should absolutely tell um on this person right this is a bad person

and that woman even though it will be fucked up you don't want to be that guy's friend and that woman needs to know i mean i just think yeah like he he's miscategorizing himself as a hero as the guy who is shielding the pervert yeah i'm doing a heroic thing by making sure this perverted asshole doesn't get in trouble yeah this guy i mean this isn't even funny it's just like yeah definitely tell her what happened so she isn't with a bad man. He like took a bullet for Trump. Yeah, exactly. I guess the question is.

And now he wants to pass it forward. But this is like, so he's right that he should not be shouldering the blame for this. And like, and also feeling all of the fallout, which is rightful to it to to his – it should rightfully be happening to his friend, not him. But it is weird. I mean, it's been months, he said? Yeah, three months. So no one's going to believe him. Yeah.

Like, that's the weird – so by the way – It actually wasn't me. It was my fucking friend. So you guys should hate him. I hate butts. And I'm not attracted to butts. And I wouldn't grab them. It's the person you love.

What he should do is talk to his friend and be like, hey, this guy's fallen, man. It's time that you come clean. And if his friend is like, no, then. His friend is like, no, it was you. I saw it. Oh, shit. This is a horrible situation. Honestly, here's my answer.

Move out of Texas. That's like there's no way that this is going to work out for you. Move anywhere. That's what you would have said regardless of the question. Yeah, here's my answer. Move out of Texas. That's like, there's no way that this is going to work out for you. Move anywhere. That's what you would have said regardless of the question. Yeah, move out of Texas. Well, all you can do is go back to a bar, get your friend nice and drunk again, and be like, watch this as he, like, to your other friends

as he goes around and starts trying to grab people's butts. Yeah, I mean, I have a feeling this woman is probably going to break up with this guy at some point. He sounds like a bad idiot. And they're, what, 23 years old? I mean, I have a feeling- And then you can catch him in the act. This woman is probably going to break up with this guy at some point. He sounds like a bad idiot. Right. And they're, what, 23 years old? I mean, they're not going to stay together.

So it's sort of like, it'll probably work itself out, but yeah, I would- This is just a nightmare situation. Yeah, I would move. I would move and change your name. That works. Yeah, because if everyone's mad at you and then you're like, you give them this huge bit of information, like, by the way, it wasn't me, it was somebody else. I think they're going to feel so hoodwinked that they'll still be mad at you.

Like people just don't stop being mad on a dime. No way. They'll be like, yeah, well, it's really fucked up that you. Then why'd you cover for him? Well, this woman's not going to hear it and be like, oh, I believe that. I'm going to break up with my boyfriend whom I love. Like, no one, who would do that? No one believes that kind of stuff. So yeah, you're just fucked, man. This is why you have to go. I mean, I don't think your friend's going to do anything,

but I think the only hope is getting the friend to say everything. Be like, hey, we should stop being mad at Lance because it was actually me. Yeah. Come clean entirely. Right. And if that, if your friend is willing to apologize and change his ways and then, and like really throw himself on his own sword, then maybe your friends accept you. I agree. Barring that move, change your name. All right.

One last question. Let's get a quickie out of the way. Cause we, I think we've only answered two. It's a record. Wow. A bad record. There's been podcasts where we haven't answered any. That's true. All right. One last guy's name. Adam Lust Wow. A bad record. There's been podcasts where we haven't answered any. That's true.

All right. One last guy's name. Adam Lustick. I love that. I Lustick that. Lustick writes, I live with my girlfriend of a few years and she's often hurting herself accidentally. Perhaps a few dozen... Thank God.

Two real serious questions. Some serious shit. Okay. Perhaps a few dozen times a day she'll smash her leg or foot or elbow or hand into a corner, yelp in pain, burn herself on the stove or not look where she's going to walk, walk into doors and door frames, walls.

It has gotten to the point where I feel myself getting annoyed at her when she hurts herself because I genuinely don't understand how it can happen so often. And I assume that it must be getting negligent of her safety in some way. I'm wondering if you guys have any advice or how I can help her be less clumsy or deal with her being so clumsy in the first place while not getting annoyed. Because of course it isn't

her fault and my annoyance stems from trying to understand it. Love, Adam. Well, what I thought he was going to say, what I thought Adam was going to say was that she has so many bruises that he was being perceived as abusive. Like, that's where I thought it was headed. Right. What I would do is baby-proof the house. For an adult? Yeah, just like all you can do is like, yeah, pretend like a two-year-old lives there and just put a lot of stuff there. Patting on the door.

Put more padding, get pillows and everything. Because clearly she's the one in pain. But I could see how that's annoying. It's weird. Yeah. It is weird. Like, I've felt the same way. My fiance burns herself a lot on, like, on the

stove. And every time she does it, I'm like, don't touch the hot shit. Right, yeah, and it's weird, because you're like, you don't, I feel like in a relationship, if you're a man, you're, like, aware that you're just supposed to, like, let people do stuff. I don't know what it's like to be anyone but me, so you're just supposed to not say anything, but also you want to protect someone.

Right. Yeah, put those, because I have a two-year-old, or about to be two-year-old niece, and there's baby proofing all over my sister's place. And it's great. Yeah, no sharp edges. Yeah, just do that. Or just put like. You're solving, you're like solving the wrong problem. I'm solving the wrong problem.

But yeah, what do you do because it's annoying him yeah I think it's fine I think it's okay that it annoys him especially if she's yelping in pain a lot

this is like this is like how sometimes people get mad at people for getting sick yeah it's like you have a cold again or it's like I'm sorry

I don't know I think this is like a Munchausen syndrome thing i think this guy no that's actually really dark um like what's munchausen syndrome is when well there's several have you did you see mommy dead and dearest the hbo doc no it's an incredible documentary and basically it's about how um this mother raised a really sick child that was like epically sick and like was sort of got a little famous for having the sickest child. And then they later, it turned out,

the mother was causing the sickness. So Munchausen, I believe, and I could be wrong, and I'm sure people listening will tell me I'm wrong. Munchausen is when you pretend you're sick, but there's a certain type of Munchausen where you're making someone else sick because you want them to need you. This is what Eminem said that his mom did to him. Victims of Munchausen where you're making someone else sick because you want them to need you. This is what Eminem said that his mom did to him.

Victims of Munchausen syndrome. My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't. Yes. And also in the sixth sense, remember that girl that is throwing up under the bed? Yes. Wasn't that, didn't she grow up to be in the OC? Misha Barton. Yeah.

Correct. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. I honestly don't knowisha Barton. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. I honestly don't know what to do. Put pillows everywhere. Put like those sort of soft plastic edges everywhere. Munchausen, or some version of it, I feel like you're onto something. Because I do know, I've known people that like pretend to be dumber than they are. Right. So that like their boyfriends or girlfriends will take care of them. And at the same time, I've like also known guys and girls to treat their significant others like they're dumber than they are.

Right. Because they like being a father figure or something. Yeah. Yeah, there's something fucked up going on here. I think that Adam, I think Adam needs to be the hero here more than he wants to admit. And I think he should just enjoy being the only person who can pacify her pain.

I think just lean into it, let her be her and enjoy the weird fucked up relationship. I just saw Phantom Thread. Did you guys see it? Yeah. It's kind of about this a little bit. And love is strange. And sometimes you need people because you just need them even though you're fucked up.

So I don't know. Do you think there's a chance that she's like hurting herself on purpose? I think this is their dynamic. And I think he gets off on being like, stop hurting yourself. And she's like, I can't. Or if he doesn't get off on it, then he needs to start. He needs to start getting off on it. Because this is going to be the dynamic.

He needs to start coming when hearing the yelping. That's what I think would help everything. Stop coming or start coming? This is terrible advice. Start coming. You need to stop, start coming, and start getting real. I don't know. This is terrible advice.

Just start just being into whatever she's doing, because love is hard to find. So whenever you stub your toe, you're like, oh, yeah. And that'll probably get her to stop. That's true. Because this is weird, and I'd rather have a more normal relationship. Right. So rather than be like, oh, babe, why'd you stub your toe again? You're like, yes, keep stubbing.

Stub your other toe. Get too into it so it annoys her so she starts being really like a dwat at everything she does. Now we're playing the game. I wonder why people are clumsy and what there is to – like what doctor do you see if you're clumsy? Yeah, what is that? Is it just like being so careless or you're preoccupied or you're constantly thinking about other stuff? Yeah. Coordination or depth versus facial awareness?

It's just your brain's weird, right? Like, your brain, you have a bad brain. Like, you don't give a fuck. One, you don't think about. Right. What are you thinking about? Like, what are, like like what is there to i'm it must be brain stuff because you're like your brain's not communicating

yeah to the rest of your body yeah or you have bad eyesight or something or spatial awareness or some sort of combination seems pretty fucked up so yeah i don't know move out of texas yeah i don't know move out of texas get the fuck out of Texas. Yeah. All right. Cool. Thank you. That was fun. It was fun.

We did it. Great time. One more time. The show? The show's called Corporate. Premieres on Comedy Central January 17th at 10 p.m. And you can watch the first four episodes right now on cc.com. Talk about... Oh, you could watch them right now?

The first four you can watch for free on cc.com before the premiere. What's the rationale there? They're just like, fuck it? I think so. I think now there's so much to watch on cable TV that they just want people to, they're just trying to find any niche audience

any way they can. And so to like get people talking about it and excited, but honestly, I don't know and I don't understand anything. So all I know is you can watch them for free right now on cc.com. That seems to be like a big decision someone would make. Yes, it is. Some head honcho much richer than me made that decision.

I'm like, yeah, whatever, fine. The first month, it's already online. It's already online. Yeah. So the premiere isn't really a premiere. But enjoy it. If you watch the premiere and you like it, you can go watch the next three episodes immediately.

Maybe that's why. All right. And if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, remember the opening from 37 over. Send it all to ifireyoushowatgmail.com. This closing one is written by Trevor Fraley. Trevorfraley.com. Cool last name. Is his illustration page.

It's a Sean Paul-like glue cover. So hopefully you guys like that. We'll be back next week. Maybe we should get another Jake. You got any other? I don't know. Who's your Jake? We sort of maxed out here.

Yeah, Jake Fogelness is another Jake. All right, let's bring him in. Awesome. Thanks. We'll be back next week. Bye. I know you probably have weird-ass dates. You like a girl, but you're not smooth.

Jake and Amir have things to say. So listen to If I Were You. A podcast run by two cool dudes. But don't forget they're also Jews. And on this show, they'll share their views. And I'll do half you. Now Jake is a cool and he gets all the women, women. And Amir is also on a podcast.

Jake swipes on Tinder in the pussy, he be swimming, swimming in, but I'm not sure if Amir is or isn't. They sometimes have guests or not, it's cool. But sometimes to give good advice, we're cruel. They don't always have to be nice to you, but at least you won't look like twice the fool. I know

you probably had weird ass days. You like a girl, but you're not smooth. Jake and Amir have things to say. So listen to If I Were You. A podcast run by two cool dudes.

But don't forget they're also Jews. And on this show they'll share their views. Listen to If I Were You. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink,

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