Segments - 31: Texting Casanova

Episode Date: October 24, 2013

In this episode we discuss texting, pornography, and ugly feet. This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do if i were i got a problem i don't know what to do amir and jay can help get me through you can trust in these boys. They're tried and they're true. If I were you. Oh, if I were you.

If I were you. The name of the show is If I Were You. Very soothing, very catchy, the perfect song. I'll give it a B-, but that's the highest I've ever scored one. That was a sunny day. A really sunny day with the top down and shit. You're just, you're rolling on me. No, no, no, no. You're rolling on the dubs or something.

No, you're rolling down the 101. Beach to your left, mountains to your right. And you're just popped to Molly. You're high on life. High on life and Molly. No, you're just having a good, wholesome, sober time. Because you don't need drugs. Because you know what the earth is so beautiful that it sort of raises your spirits without any external spirits raised spirits raised and i'd like my serotonin dumped that's what i

want all my happy juice in my body at once not just the cars reaching the speed limit i'm reaching my speed limit four ounces of snorted whatever the hell speed is speed weed and i've got the need to i've got a weed limit and it's 55 i don't know how kids measure weed these days actually oh no yeah i really do have a nickel sack if you needed to buy weed what would you say to a drug dealer i would say hey uh can i have one weed well i would never talk to a drug dealer one weed please i would talk to you i would i would use a middleman a liaison yeah yeah yeah i know the link yo son what up what up one weed please to go is fine actually how's it going boss you got a weed

well i really want a weed a single weed and i put it in a doobie or a joint or something i'd love to get high with you once sir can i have a pot brownie i want to be one level of high with you master hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast show on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and i'm sort of the cool wacky one that knows how to order marijuana yeah and i'm the i'm the loser who who for some reason thinks it sounds weird to say order marijuana Marijuana, please, actually. That's why I use a gavel when I talk to drug dealers. I like to order, order.

And they all run away because they think they're being arrested or something. So, how does it work? Who was that song by? Who was that Sunny Day by? See, this is why it helps that there's two of us. Because if I ever forget things, which is very you really do pick me up you need me and then for literally every other problem we have that you fuck up i'm sort of there for you it's kind of nice how i bail you out we meet we meet in the middle but that middle is so much closer to my side than yours it's borderline not

the middle it's uh yeah but you know what there wouldn't even be a field to play on to beat on if i weren't here so it's like being on the one-yard line. The fact that you're trying to find a middle ground. No. There's no need because there is just nothing without me. It's like saying if I'm on the two-yard line, we're in the middle of the field. We are technically in between the end zones. Well, if there was 98 yards, would it be a football field?

Would it be? Would I bring the field? It wouldn't, but nobody would notice. Cheers. Salute. Cheers. Salute. Absolutely. field would it be technically do i bring the field it wouldn't but nobody would notice cheers salute cheers salute absolutely uh that guy was jeff enzos was the guy who made it sounded like uh foster the people is that the band all the little kids with the pumped up kicks better run better run seize the cheese and buckets i'm so sorry the cheese in buckets or cheese seize the cheese and fuck it what's funnier they're both disgusting i don't know it's i guess seizing the cheese in buckets maybe is funnier to me yeah someone's stealing by the bucket yeah but also

seize like stealing cheese and jerking off into it or something that's pretty funny why jerking off into it cheese seize the cheese and fuck it or i guess you just roll it up and stick your penis in it well i would use swiss cheese and just plug through one of the holes or something oh and i would use uh like a big bucket of cheese whiz oh yeah liquid or nacho oh warm nacho cheese whiz well here's some cheese jizz so people email! Todah! So people email us. They found themselves in a difficult place in their lives

and they're so desperate and needy of advice that they actually email a podcast hoping to God that we actually answer and ridicule them on this show.

Yeah. And you know what? 80 to 150 people a day do. So we're thankful for you guys. That email, if you find yourself in a tough place right now,

is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. ifiwereyoushow, ifiwereyoushow, ifiwereyoushow. at gmail.com, huh? ifiwereyoushow, ifiwereyoushow, ifiwereyoushow. at gmail.com. Yo, if I were you, I wouldn't grow. I would tell you, Mel, too, if I were you i wouldn't grow i would tell you mail too if i were you show

i would go the beatbox is just me laughing like a girl it's not like someone's sort of tickling you um yeah did i forget to mention anything we try to get through, you know, four to five questions every episode. So let's get this party started. And right. Let's get it start. Oh, my God. There's a carbon monoxide. Yeah, we're dead. That's why.

That's why we're all like this, I think. That explains it. All right. So let's get to the first email. It's from a person we'll call Shaggy. Shaggy. Shaggy writes, hey, dudes. Oh, that's a fake name.

We're giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. This guy thankfully has a name Shaggy. Yeah, yeah. But this is a real email verbatim. Here we go. One time. Hey, guys. So I've been texting this cheerleader for two days now.

When we met first in person, she was really interesting. And I like to think of myself as a pretty charming dude, and it's pretty obvious she likes me. But now I text her, and it's freaking 80-20 on the ratio. Yeah, I input so much, and she contributes nothing. I ask questions, respond wholesomely, and she smacks her head to the phone for a single sentence and sends that shit. Do you think she's bored of me already? Or maybe that's just how she texts people thanks shaggy hmm yeah i think that's just how she texts yeah well it can't be you obviously not she's she

was really into him two days ago he likes to think of himself as charming pretty obvious she likes me many people like to think of themselves as charming i like to think of themselves as charming. I like to think of myself as attractive and handsome, charming and irresistible. I think of myself as tall, rich, devilishly handsome and I can get anyone I want. That doesn't mean it's true. I like to think if I'm not sucking in my stomach too much, it still looks like abs, like I'm fit and cut or something. I think I have abs. I think I'm jacked. Without exercising, I really think that I like to feel that I am.

And sometimes I'll see someone who's really good at something, like, oh, that guy's great at basketball. And I'm like, oh, man, you know what? I'm not good at basketball, but I bet if I practiced a little bit, I'd be better than him. I like to think of myself as talented at things. This is how horoscopes work. They just give you sort of good news.

It's like, oh, yeah, you're a leo that means you're a born leader leader and you're like yeah yeah i am i believe in astrology now because i'm a leader would a leader not believe in something more powerful than himself i think that would be a little uh little weak of the leader is caring like absolutely i'm caring of course i'm a sagittarius i caring. Like, absolutely I'm caring. Of course I'm a Sagittarius. I don't know if either of those things are like what they say about those specific signs, but. Thus, it's real. The gist. I would say, I also like that he tried to add, like slip in like, I met this cheerleader two days ago.

Like, yeah, that's the kind of shit I'm playing with. But like, cut to end of email, she's ignoring you. By the way, it's only been two days, so this is the real her. It's not like she was one thing and now it's separate. Like, after two days, that's not a lot of time for you to think. It's pretty obvious she likes me, but now? And he's also insulting. Like, smacks her head to the phone and produces dribble.

If anything, I applaud her for putting up with you this long. Anyone else would have just deleted your number. So, do you think she's bored of him, or is that how she texts people? I number so do you think she's bored of him or is that how she texts people i think she's of course she's bored of him like you i think but i think you did it you're like sending long messages asking questions she's probably just like this dude's texting me too much well that's the thing we were talking about one day where we said you never want to text more than someone yeah you want to let them dictate the pace but does that only work if you're a guy texting a girl or can that also work the other way around i think it all it works

it's a it's a dance it's a beautiful dance then how does how does it ever escalate if everyone's always texting the same amount well i think you know it's up to one person not the guy or the girl but to be slowly ramping it up and each person hopefully in the ideal world is ramping it up so like say me and you just met i'm interested in you oh let's say it's no let's say it's uh say you're interested let's say i meet a girl out let's see i'm gonna finish that sentence no absolutely i will not let's say i'm at tiki disco and i meet a smoke show god damn dime a smoke show at the disco all right um i get her number send her a text she waits four hours i'm gonna respond ask her a question but i'm also gonna wait around three to four hours maybe it's three and a half so you can't respond for as long as she took to text you yeah and i never i personally don't want to make my text longer than hers.

I think that like texting for me is about just being entertaining because texting, it doesn't actually mean anything. It should just be like, if you are like funny to text with, if you're like an enjoyable person to text with, then that's going to keep the text game going. And then hopefully one day

you just see each other in real life. Well, this is the one thing you're an expert at. So people should really listen up. I'm great at texting. And you're not, you're very humble and self-deprecating. So the fact that you say that you're great at texting, it really means something. Right. I mean, I'm terrible in person. Yeah. My friends can go into a bar, make eyes at a girl, go out, buy her a drink, talk, go home. That's, that's happened to me so few times. It has to, like, I have to like work on texting. I have to be on text. I have to get a date or like hang out at a party and then like, and then I'm good. But like, I can't just go from zero to conversation. It's like, I need to show someone that I'm, I don't know. It's, I need texting. You need it.

I need it to get laid. You said you came up with an idea once. Maybe it was for a movie, but maybe it's for a business of a guy who starts a business. Oh, yeah. Where you text for people because texting is anonymous. Like somebody who's bad at texting, you can easily text for them and they wouldn't know. Yeah. I wanted to call it phone Casanova or iPhone Casanova or texting Casanova.

Something Casanova. Casafona. Casafona. Casafafona.com i did this for my brother we were on a road trip and i he was like talking to some girl and then it was his turn to drive so just for three hours i texted her as him and then like and then they ended up going out i think actually because based on that i mean it was probably a combination of many things but the texting certainly helped and i know i so many of my friends will like ask my advice on a text right because you're sort of the self-proclaimed king of texts i've had girl oh my god this is now i'm like really bragging but i have had i've like met up with girls and then and then uh been like i

didn't i wasn't gonna like do this but you're like so funny on text you were so good wow yeah so like this is this could be a legit business i really think it could because anybody out there wants to pay me to text for them what do you think a good rate would be uh twenty dollars an hour jesus that's high twenty dollars an hour you just said yourself you'd wait four hours that's an eighty dollar text messages including people i mean people how much do people pay to like take out an escort or something? Okay. Here's the,

here's the site we need to build. People sign up and they upload their text conversations, right? Oh, that's cool. And then you go to the backend and you see what the text conversation is and you go one by one. This is what your response and do it in this amount of time.

And it texts them. So let's say people are only paying you, what's it? What would someone logically like $5 a text? That seems like it's worth it. But if you can get 20 people to pay you $5 a text, that means, and that's just one a day.

That's a hundred dollars. That means you're making a hundred100 a day for 365 days. That's another $36,000 in your pocket. If you can get 40 people to do it, that's $72,000. I'd love to build out this site for you. Yeah, I would love it if you did, actually. That'd be great. And then you wake up in the morning and you see all these text conversations and you type the responses.

That's it. And that's basically my dream job because all I think about doing is texting. I love texting. I like to have to record the podcast. My phone is over there on the couch because if I feel vibrate, I'll start texting. I'll start hyperventilating. Oh, so this guy's question is, I think that she's not interested in you. I think you blew it.

Not necessarily with the texting. Maybe you were actually a dick in person. Maybe you didn't come off as charming. Maybe she is perfectly interesting but it sounds like if the texts aren't reciprocated it's never a good sign yeah no you're not you're never interested in someone and you don't text them back excitedly nope like even if you're playing maybe maybe she's like is there a world where a girl is like he's really cool i better uh not text him too much or i better not respond to every text or i better not respond to every email i i think maybe but if it's 80 20 then that we're not in that world all right

this girl's not playing on that yeah nobody's like all right i'm gonna be i'm gonna play it so cool that he's gonna hate me yeah but it works because now he's like, she is obsessed. But I don't think anyone's that smart. People are – the game is weird, but it does work. Like if a girl that you really love is ignoring you for like days and days and then she texts you, you would get extra excited versus if she had just texted you back right away. But I think it takes – so few people have that much self-control if they like someone if i like someone if i really like someone i'm not playing the game at all immediate responses to texts which you told me it has never happened you've never liked last episode you say i've never liked someone i mean i've never liked i've been interested in enough when you say like someone

you just mean you really really really really really want to have sex with them. Right, that's liking. Yeah, that's what liking someone means, right? When I really like someone on Tinder, when I swipe right really hard. I think when I'm ready to get married, I'll really, really, really, really, really, really want to fuck them. That's all I know. I did once say that about marriage. Like, I don't believe in love.

I just need to find, like, the hottest wife possible, so I always want to fuck her. That should be the testimonial on your site. It's going to be called, like, iPhone Casanova, in quotations. Find the girl that you really, really, really want to fuck for the rest of your life. Oh, man. If any of you engineers, computer programmers

are willing to build out this site for us, we'd love to cut you into the partnership, maybe a 10% ownership stake, or we'll pay you a fee to build the site for life. Oh, yeah, which is going to be worth so much more than 10% of this website that may or may not succeed. You get paid in liquid pussy. How's that for fair?

Or liquid cock, depending on who's out there. Oh, yeah, can you text for girls? of this website that may or may not be paid is liquid pussy how's that for fair or or or liquid cock depending on who's out there oh yeah can you text for girls yeah i could i text for my sisters you text for girls you text for guys yeah i kill it and yeah i'm actually a beast in that regard would you say it's easier for you to text there's so little pressure because it's like oh i'm not really invested in this person and that loosens you up in a good way or a bad way or not existent. Like for? Like let's say you're texting for Micah, your brother. And you're like, I'm going to swing.

I'm going to make like a huge move here because like who cares? I mean, that's how I text for myself too. Oh, you do? You're not afraid to like take that big swing? No, I mean, I guess I have been before. And like also I'm sensitive when Micah's like, I can't. Like I'll always show him the text before I send it. And he'll be like, no, I can't take that big swing i know i mean i guess i have been before and like also i'm sensitive when micah's like i can't like i'll always show him the text before i send it and i'll be like no i can't take that swing i'm like no dude you got it and then be like no and then i'm like all right fine

i'll like for micah i'll draft three different responses oh that'll be that that'll be the iphone casanova pro account jake will give you three different options and you guys can choose one it is tougher for like girls though because you have to, I don't know, it's different. You can't take the swings. For girls, it's got to be pitches. Girls, you're throwing out pitches. Guys, you're taking swings. Bitches are pitches, and pimps are swamps.

Dings, wings, I don't know. I shouldn't have called them bitches to begin with. That was a bad premise. All right, let's go on to the next question, but stay in the same world of iPhones. So this one is from a guy we'll call Fred. Fred. Hey, guys.

About three weeks ago, I let my friend borrow my brand new iPhone 5 over the weekend. It's a long story why I did it, but let's just continue. The Monday after the weekend, he was supposed to bring it back. Where do you guys live? Also, I fucked his sister about two months ago. Should I tell him that if he doesn't pay me back? Thanks, guys. Where do you guys live? I want to know what part of the world this happens in. Where someone can borrow. No one's borrowing my phone for an hour, let alone two days, let alone three weeks. My phone is like two feet away on the couch right now, and that's the farthest I've ever been from in my life. Yeah, if someone loses your phone after three weeks, you don't just say, yeah, about that, and that's the end of the conversation.

Like, no, no, no, not about that. Give me my phone. I can't believe it's been three weeks, and he still hasn't mentioned buying me a new one. You haven't brought up? You haven't mentioned it? You didn't mention that when he said, yeah, about that, and he laughed? Did you guys change the subject? What's your Facebook status right now?

Hey, still without phone. Brad still has it. I hope he tells me sooner or I'm going to drop a bombshell on him. Maybe he knows that you fucked his sister, by the way, because maybe that's why he wanted the phone in the first place. Oh. And he's just never going to give it back. That way you can't fuck his sister. Also, your big defense mechanism against this whole thing

is to tell him that you fucked his sister, in which case you'll never get a phone. No, his plan is to go, I fucked your sister, and then the guy goes, no, and then he explodes, and then in that room is where the iPhone is. Wow. Yeah, like the iPhone is somewhere on his person. Oh, like inside his body?

Yeah. Maybe he stuck it in his ass. the iphone is wow yeah like the iphone is somewhere on his person oh like inside his body yeah he stuck it in his ass and then when he explodes uh fred will just find it amongst his remains yeah he'll like he'll rummage through his small intestines and find his iphone that makes no sense this guy is like yeah borrow it and like now he doesn't have it back, so he's like, shit, man. I'm just going to stew for three weeks. I really think I'm pissed at him or something. Why? I don't know. Get a new phone and bill him or something?

I really like this question. I'm not quite sure what the best way to answer it is. Yeah, demand your phone back. Yeah, I wouldn't say like like this is the type of thing that like ruins a friendship right if he doesn't make it if your friend doesn't make it right then you don't be friends with him anymore oh you mean oh like he shouldn't tell him that he fucked his sister two months ago or no you can and then just be like yeah we're out like say i wouldn't give him an ultimatum just be like hey man you honestly like you lost my phone you have a week to get get me a new phone and if not then like i i'm gonna wait i really think i'm gonna wait another week or two

if you don't get me a phone within a week then we're done i'm not your friend i'm gonna like i don't know tell your mom this is like that kind of thing where like if you have a friend who's a big enough of an asshole he just won't do stuff like if you call shotgun and then a guy steals it and he's like it's it's a joke if he steals it then it's like it gets annoying if he's like no i'm actually not gonna get out of shotgun like i'm just gonna sit here and do that and like that's the rules uh technically apply but like what are you gonna do yeah like i guess i'm not gonna do anything about it i'm just gonna slowly not like you anymore yeah but i think that that is how the world writes itself. Like, this guy is an asshole.

Lost your phone. Tell him he's got a week. And if he doesn't, tell him that you fucked his sister, and then you guys won't be friends. And then if this happens to him enough times, he won't have any friends, and he'll finally have what he deserves, which is no friends and the knowledge

that his friends fucked his sister. Every single one of his friends probably fucked his sister. I would say, yeah, you should say, I fucked your sister, and if you don't get me a phone by the end of the week, I'm going to do it again. I swear. And I'm going to tell other people that it was good and that she's easy, and then everyone we know is going to be trying to fuck your sister. Good.

I hope they do. My sister needs the dicking, the deep dicking, actually. That's why I stole your phone to begin with It was all part of my elaborate ruse I'm getting my sister laid Wow you're the nicest brother ever The meanest friend but the nicest brother Alright let's go to the next question

We gave this guy what we could Alright Let's go from This is like an episode based on your areas of expertise I said texting was your expertise But this question is about porn Oh yeah I like porn And let's go from, this is like an episode based on your areas of expertise. I said texting was your expertise, but this question is about porn. Oh, yeah, I like porn. Yeah, so here we go.

I know it. Yeah, I know. I actually really like porn. I actually like porn so much it gets me a boner sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. It really gets me. I sexually like it, I think. I like it because I like girls And in porn you see girls

Not only just You know being pretty but actually naked Sometimes doing some pretty Compromising things You know when you're watching a movie and you're like that girl's hot But I can't really imagine her really well Without her clothes So in porn you only have to let that imagination

Run wild for about 30 seconds Before the boobs and the vajay come out and she's just doing something pretty bad, pretty nasty. Yeah, yeah. It's nice. I like it. I really do. So here's this guy's problem. Let's call him Scooby-Doo.

Scooby, Scooby-Doo. You do, you do, you. Scooby-Doo. If I i were you there's a theme song by the way we are still accepting theme song submissions we're trying to do two an episode they're uh still coming in strong so please if you have a theme song submission of your own email it to if i were you show at gmail.com damn right this guy emailed us in and he said hey guys i was talking to my girlfriend yesterday and the subject was somehow changed from food to porn she asked me if i watch And he said, So that's one bullet dodged, and she seemed to like that answer. But then she also asked me if I had a favorite porn star, and I didn't really think about it, and I just instinctively said,

Christina Rose. Parentheses, Jake knows what I'm talking about. I do. My girlfriend immediately started Googling her on her phone, then gave me shit about Christina's looks, what she's done in porn, and what she's famous for, anal amongst other things. So now she's pissed off at me,

thinking that I don't like her body because it's different from the porn star and thinking that I want her to do the same stuff that Christina does. I tried to explain to her that this is not the case at all, and just because I occasionally like watching stuff like that doesn't mean I want to try it myself. I also told her that she's way hotter than Christina, but in a different and better way. Despite all of this, she is still mad at me, and now she's withholding sex. How do I make this right? I think I need an excuse a la Jake for this one.

Thanks. Oh, no. Withholding sex is so funny. This is such a classic fight. You should just be like, all right, fine. You know what? I don't even care. We don't have to have sex because I'm just going to jerk off to Christina Rose.

Yeah. It's very ironic that she's like, you just want to fuck this girl, don't you? She's like, no, no, I want to fuck you. He's like, well, no, you can't fuck me. So what are you going to do? It's like, I guess I'm going to jerk it to the girl that you're mad at me about jerking it to. Yeah. You should just be like, it's okay.

Like, I don't need to fuck Christina Rose. I fuck you and imagine you're Christina Rose all the time. It's the same thing. Yeah yeah but that's not how like just because you watch porn doesn't mean you wish your girlfriend have you ever pictured someone else while you were having sex that's a good question have you ever imagined someone else uh if i have then i haven't like i i haven't enough times for me to answer that yes unequivocally and you what percentage of the time are you thinking about someone else? It depends. I guess not a lot, but I've definitely done it 100%.

I don't have sex enough for me to have to find weird kinky ways to make it extra exciting. Right. For me, actually having sex is exciting. You have a long-term girlfriend. Yeah. A lot of older couples will do that. And I've done that when I was in long relationships. exciting right for me actually having sex you have like a long-term girlfriend yeah like a lot of like older couples will do that and i've done that when i was in like long relationships yeah like a way to like mentally spice things up if it's like the first time i'm having sex with someone of course not right most times i'm having sex with someone it's the first time

that's a good question what percentage of ladies that you've had sex with have you only had sex with once once like as in like one time or once as in like that night the morning yeah one one day like 24 hours yeah yeah i don't know probably pretty high over half um i wouldn't say over half maybe actually yeah sure you're a loser why uh christina rose christina rose what's her deal um she has a big ass she takes it in the ass she's sort of uh short and she looks latina though i don't think she is i think it's brown paint or something no she's i oh wait we met christina rose what we met we hung out with her in la really yeah when um when we were there for the that like ford event thing that we hosted oh wow yeah i had sex with christina rose i think she's 69 or something i was you stuck it in her butt you dog holy shit i was probably thinking about

someone else or something this guy's girlfriend it is really tough because like porn is so everyone does it nobody or everybody watches it everybody jerks off everybody masturbates and no one talks about it but when you do it is uncomfortable right because like i fully accept that any girlfriend i ever have will probably masturbate. And if she masturbates, she probably does it not thinking about you. Not thinking about me, yeah. But if I ask her, if I say, do you think about me when you masturbate? She's like, no.

I'd be like, I'm really pissed. This is where white lies come in. You fucked up. You shouldn't have said you liked Christina Rose. You should say, I don't have a favorite porn star. I don i don't even i don't watch enough porn you did it right with your first answer we lied now you told the slight truth and she and the girlfriend was not having it you need there's no quick fix you need to slowly start talking about how ugly christina rose is how much you can't get off to her and how anal sex just like disgusts you. And hopefully though,

eventually you can turn this into a good thing by being like, it's, I don't know. Your girlfriend will do things that you want to do in bed because now she's like thinking about how she wants to be more Christina Rose esque for you, which isn't like, I feel like that sounds like mean and manipulative, but it's not.

It's, it's like a beautiful thing if you're going about it in a wholesome, nice way, that's like giving her no pressure, but she's sort of like wants to do something for you. Well, let's try to put ourselves in the mind of the girl. She's offended that a guy's looking at another girl. Okay. That's fine. Um, as a guy, we're like, don't worry. It's not really that big of a deal, but a girl can't like, it's hard to put yourself in that mindset of a, of a guy when you're're the lady so i don't fault her for being mad but what is her plan now to withhold sex forever yeah until she turns into christina rose i don't know what she i don't know what she's trying to get from withholding sex i think you i guess just

like an apology yeah if you if if you just offer a full apology and say you're sorry say that you're she's the most attractive person in the world and i think it's gonna piss her off if you say christina rose is attractive in a different way i would stop that nobody wants to hear that like am i is that girl hotter than me no no no she's just different but it is like i've had girlfriends who are like i want to watch porn that you like and i've showed them and it's like and everybody is like that's i mean that's disgusting that's not me that's but that it's true porn isn't how people have sex it's uh it's uh it's an exaggeration an embellishment yeah it's a weird exotic fantasy you don't nobody expects to have

sex like they are in porn videos but it's like it's like you watch movies and you don't want your you don't want your friends to act like the guys from the hangover right although i would like to i would like for you to be bradley cooper a little more i think i think he's better looking than you wow and not just in a different way. Full on, better bone structure, better teeth. And then you withhold friendship from me because you're so offended by that. Right. I'm actually not going to give you what I usually do in this relationship.

Which is what? Joking around. And anal. Well, you can hang out with Bradley freaking freaking cooper then why doesn't he make you laugh yeah i think she just needs to understand or people in general need to understand that porn is not like just because you watch a certain type of porn doesn't mean that's what you want out of a relationship that's sort of like some weird escape exaggerated sex version of that you're interested in but not necessarily wanting to partake in yeah but that's kind of hard to like explain to someone

like if a girl is watching like this specific type of porn you your brain would uh probably want to do oh maybe i should provide that right you know maybe you could be like i would never want you to do this stuff because i respect you too much. And it's not about some weird animalistic savage getting off with you. It's about being in love and having a mutually beneficial sexual experience. I want us to hold each other close and come at the same time. But with Christina Rose, I don't mind if someone calls her a whore and fucks her in the ass because i hate her oh with you i love you so i don't want that type of sex from you now we're getting to good advice we have to cut through the bullshit because she can hear that and be like oh she's doing that out of respect for me i think right so it's like yeah i like have this relief release with porn but with you it's uh

it's not just sex it's it's a whole experience are you writing that down dude shaggy scrappy shaggy no scooby scooby scooby are you writing that down that's what you need to do preferably uh in person but an email will do and then uh sign it, Christina Rose, JK, LOL, ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, Christina Rose. If you're listening, that night at the Ford thing meant everything to me. That was actually a really subtle

Ford paid us to mention them in one episode this year. Yeah, that's nice. That was an ad. And that was an ad. And that's Italy money. Yeah. Now we're going to go to Italy. That was 10 grand.

Remember that Christina Rosa, that Ford thing? Like, all right, cool. Now we can go to Italy. Because people listening to this podcast are going to be like, oh, I guess I do need a car. One that's built Ford tough, I think. And when they're checking out at the Ford dealership, they're going to be like,

oh, by the way, did you hear about us from Jake and Amir's podcast? And our fan is going to be like, holy shit, I've been... I've been inceptioned, I think. You got inceptioned. An inception daydream. We're almost at break time. You want to take a little breaky? Yeah, let's take a nice little breather here.

Oh, jeez. We got a good email from one of our sponsors saying that our fans are very active and it makes us look good. So thanks for you guys for clicking on links. And even if you don't act on purchasing something, it means a lot that you're even clicking on stuff. And that's stuff that makes clients happy. And then they think we're cool because we have like good fans. Right. So you guys are making us look good.

And then they give us money and then we can actually get a studio where we can record or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be cool because right now we're back in the towel cave. We really are. This might be our last episode in the towel cave.

Yeah, shit. That's scary. That's dangerous. We're moving. Whoa. Are you sure you want to talk about this? Wait, have we not mentioned it? I don't think so.

Oh. Very, very toad-ah, actually. It's actually quite toad-ah. We're moving to California. Los Angeles, California. Hollywood land. Hollywood land. I'm going to make it as an actor, I think.

I really think this is my ticket west here. We're taking a one-way bus ticket to an american idol audition or something two hundred dollars for a headshot that we're just gonna show up and uh we got a script printed out we're gonna try to drop it on the doorstep of every agency every studio and then if that doesn't work out we're gonna work on pas like production assistants hey mister mister come here mister i come here, mister. I'm a star. You heard that movie? You know how that movie was made? Spielberg was at a Starbucks and some kid with gumption walked up to him and said, hey, there's a script over here I'd like you to read. And Spielberg was so appalled. He's like, all right, I'll take a risk on you. And that movie,

so appalled, that movie was Schindler's List. How about that? How about that? He was so appalled that he made the feature. He's so appalled that he made it and won him an Oscar. You know the girl in the red dress? That girl in the red dress? Which one? The scene, that movie, the girl in the red dress?

The red dress? That was a mistake. What was that? They tried to color correct the whole thing to be black and white, but they couldn't get the red dress. So they said fuck it. Insane. You thought that was on purpose. Yeah, I absolutely did.

It wasn't a choice. It wasn't a decision. It wasn't a conscious decision. So hopefully we'll find a place in LA that will let us record podcasts. Bless you. The other thing we should talk about on the break is That we're going on tour Yeah, so if you live in, you know, the DC area Philadelphia, Boston

Burlington, Burlington, Vermont Ann Arbor, Chicago, Minneapolis Or Madison, Wisconsin You can watch us live Yeah, come to our live show We'll hang out after the show How's that? Take pictures Jake will text someone for you

I'll text you. You are, if you give me your number, we can meet up. We can get fucking drunk. Jesus. I'm serious, dude. Ann Arbor, I'm coming to rage. I'm coming to rage face. Ann Arbor, I'm going to rage.

Madison, I'm going to fucking go insane. Minneapolis, I might take it easy just because that's the last leg of the tour. Maybe hit up the Mall of America. That's tough. Maybe go to like a – Trust me, Burlington, I'm rolling. Absolutely. Boston is probably going to be an off night for me.

I might take in like a show. No, it's going to be fun. So please, you can go to collegehumor.com slash chontour to check out where you can buy your tickets. Exactly. And we do hang out after the show. So if you come to a show – Oh, yeah. Sorry.

We will hang out after the show. Stick around and we'll take photos. Also, to mention because i we like posted about this and so many people were like oh you're not coming to texas you're not coming to california or you're not coming to canada or whatever but we are trying to go everywhere is that we didn't get to choose these eight cities we're pumped that we're going but it's not because that was like our choice that to not go to texas or not go to california right and if you're from those eight cities dude we totally chose your cities because they're the best eight they're the top eight chose ann arbor ann arbor would probably be one of the cities that we did specifically choose that exact reference doesn't make sense but uh yeah we basically go is that the one we didn't

yeah we go to ones that uh that our booking agent tells us to go to so you can contact them or a theater and tell them to bring us over, and we'll go anywhere. If you go to a college, you can – colleges have money to bring comedians out. So if you talk to your, like, events council and go to our – what's the best place to book us there? APA? APA Comedy.

Look up APA Comedy. There's a collegehumor.com slash live. I think it it gives you all the info and maybe that maybe that doesn't exist but maybe it does and you should check it out i think it does uh let's get to the last question shall we uno last oh that's good thank you uh scrappy do writes i've been dating this great girl for two weeks now and she's a smoke show with an awesome personality everything was going great until we had sex and I saw

her naked she has ugly man feet that cannot be described as anything less than morbidly disgusting whenever I get a hearty thinking about her my mind shifts from her hot bod to her ogre feet what should I do I feel like a complete far quad over here I'm dating

Shrek. Thanks. Scrappy-doo. This is why girls have issues, is because they think that guys think this, and even worse, guys do. Right, but so few. This guy is a piece of shit. He does not represent us.

Farquaad here, a girl with a. He does not represent us. Farquat here. A girl with a smoke show with an awesome personality. Is it? Ogre feet. Right. You have ugly everything, man. Is Farquat, isn't he the evil prince? He's like the evil guy in Shrek?

Yeah, you are a complete Farquat. Actually. You Farquat. You want to be a Sh Actually. You farquad. You want to be a Shrek. You want to be the Shrek, the hero of the movie. Your girlfriend, yeah, you're dating Shrek. A lovable hero.

And you're an evil prince, I think. I don't even want to call you a prince. You're just a bad person. That's so rude. It's so hard to find someone who's one you're at first physically attracted to and then two she has an awesome personality and what you're gonna throw it away because even after that this point you should throw it away please do yeah you don't deserve this tell you what man keep hunting for the girl that has every single perfect thing that you've ever wanted okay because that'll ensure

that you're gonna end up alone which i think you deserve once you find a girl with an awesome personality that's a smoke show and perfect feet, then you can lock her down unless something else is weird about her, like she snores or she breathes through her mouth when she eats. There's always something. All right, so let's try to,

you know, his terrible language aside. Terrible language aside, is there anything to, you know, sort of like seinfeldian you know it's like oh yeah she's oh she's got an outie belly button yeah like i can't be with her her belly button is an outie right i've i've been there before what where she has everything but one thing or not even everything but one thing but there's just like something that you've for some reason focus on and you can't make yourself stop. This guy shows no remorse.

Anytime I've done that, like there was a girl I was crazy about, but for some reason I kept on picturing her shitting and I don't know why. Well, that's what you say about every girl. You're like, if I have a crush on someone and I want to get over her, I will picture her shitting. And that loses all her allure to you. Yeah, and that's like confidence. That's what I need. But see, I couldn't stop after it with her. You just imagined a constant ring of shit that exited her anus and went around into her mouth like she was swallowing a hula hoop or something. The thing I would picture would be her sleeping over, going to the bathroom, getting back in my bed.

And I could smell the shit from the bathroom and I could smell it on her. And I just imagined. It never happened. It never happened. But I kept on picturing it. And it totally made me physically unattracted to her. Why? I don't know.

And I knew that I was being insane. I knew that I was being an asshole. And I was like, this is the smallest thing in the world. But at the same time, I couldn't argue with my actual feelings of not wanting to hang out with her you say you don't like girls you don't like picturing girls shitting you also you're not good at sharing a meal with a girl yeah i've done that like a handful of times in my whole life right and like if i'm like dating a girl for for a very time, I eat in front of them. For most people, it's like meal, hanging out, kissing, eventually sex. You're the exact opposite.

First things first, let's bone. Then if I really, really, really like you and things are going great, I can seriously envision us eating lunch together. Yeah, but even then, probably not. I've had things ruined. I've been dating girls and then they'll be like, oh, I want to cook you dinner. And then I fear that so much that I avoid them and lose touch.

Oh my God. And I would love to have a woman cook for me, actually. I think it's a necessary, deserved thing. There's something so shameful about eating to me where it's like I have to admit my taste in front of someone. But there's something also fun and romantic and exciting about like a cooking dinner date. Yeah, but then like, I don't know, it's just like kind of gross. You eat food and I like – The ironic thing is that you're the gross eater.

You're the grossest eater I know. Oh, yeah. I don't want to show anyone that. I'm like I'm a terrible eater. I food in my mouth i eat so fast you talk i mean i do this stuff too so i shouldn't even be throwing stones in this glass house but you are notoriously uh abysmal at eating yeah you'll take the biggest bites i can imagine speak through it spit chew loudly i eat like half my food on the way to a table like i you'll eat like seven french fries at a time yeah everything you should do about food you don't and then you

project that onto girls that you don't want to hang out or that even that you do like i just think there's something like sad about ordering food where you have to like show like it's like showing your hand in front of a like to a waiter in front of somebody that you like being like oh can i have like ketchup i don't know it makes me feel weird like it's so i just admitted to someone that like i that i need to add this sauce to my food it's like so intimate and sad like i like this it's like tinder where it's just like you show people like i feel horny i'm'm horny. I don't know. You're so unique. I don't relate to that at all.

And it's so funny that like you do stuff that's really physically intimate with girls you don't know. But it's like, I don't want to order ketchup. Like, what is that? Like, oh, I'm admitting to you that I can't eat chicken without tomato paste. Yeah. That's who you're admitting. That's after you asked to bone her in various positions. That's the weird intimate thing that you should feel uncomfortable about. Well, I would never ask to bone her. I know people that ask for blowjobs or something.

Like, can I have a blowjob? That's so fucking weird. You just get into bed with a girl and hope for the best yeah and i i mean jesus i never say anything during sex and i'm never like let's try this position let's uh here put your leg like this you just but you want that you just do it and then they like i mean like i'll try to flip someone over and if they flip over then it's great or if they don't then i'm like okay we'll do something different and it's as long as it doesn't involve fucking worcestershire sauce or a1 sauce or asking for anything i

think ask it maybe it's just like asking is sad oh yeah will you turn around no like okay now what do i do you are pretty anti-asking even in like the the the general world yeah like if we get an email and you're like oh i don I don't understand it. But like, it's like uncool to follow up. Like, Oh, I don't know. I don't,

I don't, we'll just get there and figure it out. Yeah. You always err on the side of silence. You gotta be chill. Yeah. Yeah. You're very chill.

Which is weird. Cause I'm not chill. I'm like overthinking literally everything. Remember the, the date you, can we talk about this? I don't know. Let's start talking about it.

The concert. The concert? Where you're like, I don't know if this girl's even showing up oh yeah but like i don't want to follow up because that's not cool yeah we got to the point where like i we didn't know what time we were meeting how we were exchanging tickets like there's just no there's just no it's funny because asking for details is nerdy but necessary. You don't want to be the guys like, where are we meeting? When are we meeting?

How are you getting there? It's super cool to be like, hey, I'm going to this show. Come. Oh, yeah, I'll come. All right, dope. Then it's like, uh-oh. Hey, the show starts at 9. I don't even want to say that.

I want to like... You just show up at the cool hour that we all agree on, and hopefully it's at the same time. You don't want to be like, the show starts at 9, I'm going to be there at 8.45, you can come whenever. So then what that leads to is situations where like, cool, come to the show. All right, cool. Should I buy a ticket? All right, I bought her a ticket. Okay, when am I supposed to go to the show? Is she even coming?

I don't even want to follow up. What do I say? Hey, are you coming? That's so nerdy and lame. So I'll just go to the show hope to god she comes and she didn't sure enough she did not but you know what at least you weren't at least you didn't ask to confirm details at the end of the night i was chill about it and you know what at the very least she doesn't know how you like your ham riggers oh god nope no one will

no one ever will. Except for me. You're okay eating in front of friends. Yeah. All right. You know exactly what's up. I order all my vices in front of you. Bacon, cheese, ketchup, avocado. Turkey, BLAT.

Ask for hot sauce. Game over. Ask for a racha. Yep. I ask for the Arnold Palmer, the drink that's not even on the menu. I'm just comfortable. See, that's the other. I mean, this goes back to you're my soulmate and I'll never find a woman.

Yeah. Where is it? Oh, no, no. That's what we talked about on Monday's episode. Oh, yeah. So this episode is coming out after we recorded Monday's episode, which is with Jake's mom. So guys, get excited for that. It's true.

We talk about how it might be easier for Jake to convince himself that he's gay and marry me than to actually find a soulmate that's a female yep i open up all over again um so that's our time for this episode we keep on getting longer and longer i really don't want to hit an hour what are we at right now um like 50 ish god damn it once we get to the hour then it's like oh when we do 45 people are disappointed yeah they should yeah we want to the hour, then it's like, Oh, when we do 45, people are disappointed. Yeah. They should. Yeah. We want to,

we want people to be happy that we went this long, not disappointed that we went this short. Yep. Um, so thanks so much for listening, everyone. Thanks for emailing us and keep those emails coming. That email again is if I were you show at gmail.com.

And thanks to XO bender, Joshua way, Thomas, the iPhone addict, the fifth playmaker and Chinese thunder for leaving a good review on Bender, Joshua, Thomas the iPhone Addict, The Fifth Playmaker, and Chinese Thunder for leaving a good review on our iTunes podcast page. You guys can listen to the show at ifireyou.com or seesthecheese.com, but you can also listen on iTunes.

You know, you can listen to it on your phone on the go. A lot of people don't know that. They listen to it on their computer. Yeah, just download the podcast app. Podcast app and then search If I Were You. Yeah, and then you can listen to it while traveling, while walking, doing laundry, riding on a motorcycle, a roller coaster. Anything where you're not at the computer. Four hours later.

Making a smoothie. My throat is parched. Shopping for clothes. Shopping for food. And lastly, arranging a funeral. I was going to say arranging a funeral. Really? Yeah. Huh. Crazy. I will marry

you, in fact. Thank you. That first theme song was from a guy named Jeff Enzor is his name, and this last one is from a guy named Ben. If you think you can beat them, we'd love to hear it so send those in as well uh yeah thanks for listening everyone thanks if you got a problem if you got a problem, if you got a problem, say it to my face. To my face.

All right, think in a mirror. I'll put you in your place. That was our episode. Thanks again to LegalZoom.com for making it happen on a Thursday. So if you want any help in the business arena, check out LegalZoom.com and use coupon code Amir. Or use coupon code Jake. They're not a law firm, so you get to save a pile of money. Thanks, guys. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a

McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.