Segments - 310: Unsolicited Advice

Episode Date: January 15, 2018

In this episode we discuss nudes, dudes, and cryptocurrency!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, they're gonna help you, or they'll just put you on blast. If I were you, Amir and Jake, they're gonna make you laugh out loud until you break up with your BF or your GF. If I were you, show at gmail.com. B-F-O-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O

B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O

B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O

B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O B-F-I-U-G-F-I-O theater chic. That was 80s TV theme song dope. That was Kyle Sheehan. And he is the me-han. What does that mean? The man.

His name is K-Sheesh on SoundCloud. And he loves my show. Our show. My show. Do you have a different podcast? Not yet. But I'm thinking of starting one with Keshish. So he loves your show with him.

Yeah, I guess you can say that. All right, so even that one's not your show. You only do co-shows. Happy 2018 to you and yours. We've released a podcast in 2018, but I don't know if we've recorded one in 2018. Is that true? Unless we recorded the one with Jake Wiseman in 2018. We did.

Yeah, but never just me and you in 2018. That's cool. Yeah. That's awesome, man. So let me be the first to wish you a happy 2018, and let you be the first to wish me a happy little early birthday. And I thank you for that. A lot of people don't bring it up beforehand.

Also, you're saying let me be the first to wish you a happy 2018. It's January 10th right now. Of course. Of course you're not the first. 12th. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's Friday the 12th.

Spooky. Ooh, scary. All right. What is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I've been starting to say when people ask

me my name, I don't say Amir because people think I'm saying I'm here or I'm Ian or I'm ear. So they'll be like, hey, I'm Kyle or something fucking normal. Like Kyle Sheesh. And then I'm like, hi, I'm here. And he's like, you're ear and all i'm like hi i'm here and he's like you're here and all the fucking hot girls laugh at me you're he's around hot girls probably and so what i've

been saying is hi i'm amir but at a coffee store the other day let's call it starbucks sure uh hey what's your name and i said i'm amir and then so the guy wrote a m a m i r on the cup i'm amir i'm amir wow yeah so i guess my fucked up name is getting in the way regardless of how you could have been second born and been ben that's a good name hi i'm ben yeah you don't get that one wrong it's one syllable you can't misspell it there's no B-I-N or B-A-N or B-O-N. Oh, B-I-E-N is cool. Bien. Hi, I'm bien.

Nice. Oh, bien, bien. Muy bien. Muy bien. Very good. I'm very bien. So we had the idea of creating segments to the show because we wanted to switch it up a little bit, diversify our portfolio, as they say. Correct.

First segment idea we had was unsolicited advice. Correct. Advice that nobody really asked for. Yeah. But you know what? At least they're listening to the show, so they're implicitly asking. Do you think we should get into it now? Should we save it at the end?

Does it feel like an end of show segment? I think it feels like a back from break. Oh, like now that we're back, let's take a breather. This is my unsolicited advice. Yeah. Got it. All right, cool. And then if it sticks around, we can even do like, I don't know, like an audio cue for it.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So it'd be like, it's time for the unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Well, it's like the mom asking to come inside. Also, I'm jizzing everywhere. If we can make the song anything, we might as well avoid it, right?

Yeah, you don't need the part where the kid is screaming at his mom. That he's coming. Yeah, that was like the Ace and Jocelyn thing. Mom, close the door. Yeah, mom, close the door. It's coming. Yeah. That was like the Ace of Jocelyn thing. Mom, close the door. Yeah. Mom, close the door. It's good. All right.

So let's try to answer these emails first. You sent me a few. Were any good ones? Or should we start with the one I sent you? Let's start with the one that you sent me. And then, yeah, the ones that I found were like one funny one and then one pretty basic one. But I feel like it opens the door to us talking

about something that needs to be chatted about. Especially now in 2018. Do you have the email? I think I sent it to you and not me. Of course. Of course. And that's fine that you sent it to me. And I do have it.

And it's not going to take me very long to find it at all. In fact, I bet by the time I'm done with this very simple sentence. Here we go. Got it. Let's give this guy

a guy's name. Okay. Antony. Antony writes, What's up, guys? I find myself in a gooey and confusing situation. I matched with this

total 10 cent piece on a dating app about a month and a half ago. We went out for drinks and had a blast. She's from outside the U.S. and mentioned she'd be going back home for a little over a month before she started her new job. Hot. A few days after we got drinks and before she was going to leave her home, I invited her to this party I was at with a few of my close friends and a bunch of other people. The party was great, and she was also having a good time and getting along with my friends,

even to the point where she asked my former roommate for his number. What? Now, I'm not really a jealous little bitch. I mean, I barely know this person, and it's not like we're dating. Plus, I'm not really threatened by my ex-roommate. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. He's a friend of mine, so I don't really care.

She's new to the city we live in, and maybe she just wanted to make some more friends. Anyway, fast forward to now, this goddess has returned from home and texted me immediately when she got back saying we should hang out soon. Great, right? Well, it turns out she sent a similar message to my ex-roommate as well. Not jealous, don't care. I found out because I mentioned in front of him and a few other friends that I couldn't hang out on a certain night because I had plans with this girl, to which my friend remarked

that the same girl had also texted him asking him to hang out. Ha ha. Ha ha. I didn't really know what to say, so I awkwardly just said, oh, ha ha, that's funny. Ha ha, that's good. I don't really know what to do about this. I don't really want to compete with my friend over this, girl, but I'd also be low-key salty

if they got together. Low-key salty. And I just let it go because I thought the whole thing wasn't worth it. What would you do, love, Antonio? Did he let it go? Or did he let it go-key salty? Yeah. Which just means he didn't let it go.

Let it stay. Let it stay. Let it fester. Let it fester. Let it eat away your soul. It sounds like this guy's high-key salty, actually. He's like, I'm not really caring too much. But he did mention that he was going

to see her and I'm afraid I'll get salty about it. I get it. It makes sense. Do you find that this girl is from Australia and they live in New York? Oh, I was thinking of England and they live in Lincoln, Nebraska. Really? Yeah. Nice. Do you think the queen likes royalty-free music? Probably not, because she wants it heavy with the royalties. Got it. Don't they just pay taxes to the queen? I swear those guys pay tariffs. They just fucking... I really think...

The queen just gets cash for being... I think the Stamp Act was about that. Damn, what a weird... Yeah, it is. I would also get a little weird and competitive about that. Damn, what a weird. Yeah, it is. I would also get like a little weird and competitive about it. I don't want to like some girl that I matched with dating another friend of a friend of mine. And then there's this weird inherent low key competition about it. Yeah, the danger though is you can't win because if you like, if you're like, I don't care.

Unless she chooses you. Well, right. That's the, so. You can win and because if you're like, I don't care. Unless she chooses you. Well, right. That's the old, so. You can win and you can lose. Well, I mean, even her choosing you is like, then the friend is low-key salty at you. But that's fine. Right. But then like, it seems like if you decide, you know what, I'm going to compete and I want this girl to like me and then she likes the friend,

then that's like worst case scenario. And then if you're like, I don't even care. I'm not going to try. And then the friend hooks up with her. Then you're like, that's annoying because you secretly wish you did try. Yeah. Well, there's both of you hooking up with her, not at the same time. Then there's him hooking up with her.

And then there's just you hooking up with her. And there's also nobody hooking up with her. And there's them hooking up with her at the same time. Then there's him hooking up with her. And then there's just you hooking up with her. And there's also nobody hooking up with her. And there's them hooking up with her at the same time. So there's lots of permutations. There's six results. The question is, would you be so devastated by the one where she chooses him and not you that you wouldn't find it worth risking the best case scenario, quote unquote, where she chooses you and not him. I guess. It feels like it's still too early. When I've been in this situation in the past, I've always tried really hard.

Yeah, you want to be the quote unquote winner. Yeah. But does the other person ever try harder? Yes, that's happened before. And then it just makes you feel kind of weird because it's like this weird competition where one of the participants doesn't quite know that they're competing?

Correct. So is it better to just distance yourself from the situation? I guess the best thing would be to tell your friend the truth. Be like, hey, I went out with, I matched with this girl. i went out with i matched with this girl i went out with her i brought her to this party i want i i like basically if you do like her tell your friend that you like her and to not hook up with her and it's so weird it's so weird to like talk about this other person like it's this thing where it's like hey i matched with this thing first and don't

do anything with this thing yeah but like at the same time you don't want to be like all right let's all three of us dibs on somebody yeah let's all three of us sit down and have a conversation about it you don't want to do that either all right here's the rules for the person that has her own free will yeah might like you more it's like that idea we had where uh two guys decide to swing and then they like they don't ask their wives at all. Oh, yeah. All right, let's fucking do it. All right, we made it pat.

I don't want to swing. Huh? But the other wife does want to. I'm down to swing with Amir. I already fucked him. So the question is, what would you do in this situation? You would try harder because you find yourself a little competitive? I mean, I guess if I liked the girl, I would...

Did he say he hooked up with her already? No. They just got drinks. They got drinks and he took her to a party. But then she asked for somebody else's number. Yeah. That's the question. It seems like asking for somebody else's number means she likes the other guy more than him.

It definitely seems like that because like that a match is like uh an app brought you together she had to actually actively go out of her way to ask a guy right but what if the guy asked for her numbers and she was just being polite but she also texted him yeah i think like here's what i would wonder if she texts uh the if the if the friend actually is just like, oh no, I'm like not interested. I don't want to hook up with this girl. Does she then say like, okay, then I'm going to go to my second choice,

which was my original date, this guy, Antonio. Or does she be like, all right, cool. Then I'm not going to hook up with anybody in this friend group because I'm not going to hook up with Antonio. I only liked you

and maybe we can all be friends. Right. So the choices that Antonio has is like, she hooks up with your friend or she's just friends with all of out with other people hanging out with my friends that's beyond my control i'm either gonna i like this girl go for it i don't like this girl not go for it that's probably the healthiest thing that you can do actually just continue to hang out with her she did text him so that's fine so yeah there is some there's something there. And if I were this dude, if I was like threatened by the friend, I would maybe not invite her to group activities a little bit. Hey, let's hang out. Like, sure. Why don't we get drinks, you and I?

And then if she's like, let's hang out with all your friends. Yeah. That's how you'll know. Is Ryan going to be there, Antonio? Yeah. I'd really like for Ryan to be there. That's how you'll know. Is Ryan going to be there, Antonio? Yeah. I'd really like for Ryan to be there. That happens. People find their way into groups of people and realize they like somebody else all the time.

Of course. All right. Maybe she starts dating your friend and one of her friends comes to visit and then you hook up with her. We'll never know. That'd be nice. Let us know what happened. I'm curious. I love a follow-up up on this.

This question that you sent me is called wheeze, nudes, and coworkers. Yeah. Sounds very spicy. So we'll call this guy Sean Spicy. Nice. Speaking of Sean, I'm so excited for the Winter Olympics. Why? Speaking of Sean.

Sean White came to mind when you said that. Sean White? Oh, the flying tomato? Yeah. Where are the Winter Olympics this year? I can't remember. It's either Seoul or Tokyo, I think. Let's see.

Winter Olympics 2018. I know it's in February. Oh, that is soon. Did you see I, Tonya? Not yet. It's about a Winter Olympics. Of course. It's in South Korea.

Is that in Seoul? It's in Pyeongchang. Oh, yeah, that's right. February 9th through the 25th. All right. Sean, the flying tomato, white, frights. A few weeks ago, me and my friends got bored on Steam. Got bored on Steam, which I think is a video game thing, not a drug.

And wanted to change... How do you get bored on Steam? Steam rules. And we wanted to change our pictures to something funny. So we all took out our Wii's. I have attached a photo of the two i took so you can get the best picture but for the listeners i'll explain the first picture is me laying on my bed wearing nothing but a wee on my dick he did attach these

pictures which is i thought it was so fucking weird correct it looks like a weird prepubescent look version of me um all right the second one is me standing with a wee covering my dick and a Mickey Mouse cart racing for N64 taking the picture. So the problem is, the problem with this is that I'm friends with one of my coworkers on Steam. At first, I didn't think about it and I just seized the cheese as far as the wee nudes go and made it my pick for two weeks. After a week, I noticed he deleted me. In fear, I changed it and went to work the next day. My first attempt to make this right was to tell him that we should add each other on Steam, trying to play it off.

He acted like he didn't know it was me, but he was still weird around me. Then I realized my goofy ass had my face in the first pick. What would you do if you were me? Also, P.S., can you shout out my cat? Her name is... I did not read that part. Her name is Caroline. I bet she listens to the show is all. Shout out to Caroline. All right.

These are very low-res pictures of... So this guy is pretending he's taking a picture with an N64 cartridge. I guess so. And a Wii is just covering his... Are his pubes fully in the photo? Or is that a shadow? He maybe doesn't have pubes. It looks like it's more shadowy, yeah. But he's got a good V going on. The vicious V. Yeah. That's a pretty solid V. God, that picture goes so deep. It's a deep V. We're about 65% down the V. Yeah. I mean, you're about to see Shaft there. So his coworkers saw a goofy, silly, naked little Wii pick,

and he wants to be like, by the way, do you explain or do you just assume he doesn't say anything? Is this one of those things where if you explain it, it makes it weirder? Yeah, it does not. You can't be like, oh, no, it's not what it looks like. My friend and I took nude photos of each other for our Steam pics. Yeah, the explanation is just that you did what you are afraid he thinks.

Yeah. It's not what it looks like. I took a picture with a wee over my dick. So it is what I think. The second photo where it's like you taking the photo in the mirror, that looks like something you did yourself. The first photo is just this guy lying on bed. Both of his hands are in the photo.

So you know that a third party took that photo. Who took that first naked Wii one? The friend. You guys had a nude photo shoot. So, sir, I assure you, it wasn't a nude photo shoot. At least it wasn't your boss. I mean, get a new job. You reek of shit.

Get a goddamn job, Sean. So what would you do if you were me? I probably wouldn't say anything if I were you. Yeah, right. You can only dig yourself further down the hole. Has anybody ever accidentally seen your nudies? There was a long time ago during Hurricane Sandy, I posted a nude photo of me in the Rosenbergs.

Did you keep that Instagram up? Yeah, it's still there. Yeah, you talk about it like you did it for a few minutes and then took it down. Well, I remember thinking, like, should I post this? Like, there's no going back. And then I was like, yeah, it's fine. And every day you don't delete it. You make that same decision implicitly. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. You every day you don't delete it. You make that same decision implicitly.

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. You're keeping it up. It's fine. Yeah. But then I also have a job as a comedian. And this guy, I don't know where his job is. What?

Oh, sorry. There's commotion outside. Yeah, just lock the door. Lock the window. We should get a fucking BB gun. And like when people are loud when we're recording. Jesus Christ. It would be filled with rage.

It would sting and then they would look up and I would nod. The anger bubbling inside you is really unsettling. They would know my name. Ben. For I am Ben. Yeah, I think just don't do anything. You delete the old, delete both photos. And then it's just like, the guy probably kept it to himself.

Or maybe he told a couple people at work. And now if they look, then it's gone. And what's the worst thing? Like, what does he think about you? That you're the kind of guy that would do this, which you are. Right. Yeah.

There's nothing too, like, incredibly incriminating here on here. Yeah, you didn't do anything wrong per se. Yeah, it's not like there's a cat licking your balls. Yeah. Right. There's no, like, dog licking, like, your balls. You're obsessed.

There's not, like, a little hamster nibbling at your little balls. So the dog and cat are licking the hamster bites. Oh, the hamster bites. And guess what? I'm the hamster. And I have an attitude. An attitude problem? Oh, no.

Just one. Yeah, I guess we all have attitudes. Some of them are good attitudes and some are bad. Then mine's bad. So you do have an attitude problem. Well, I don't think it's a problem that it's bad. I asked you to specify and you didn't say anything. Oh, I'll never tell.

You're slow to the draw, man. Very good. It's not good. All right, that's it. Let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors. All right. That's it. Let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors. We'll answer some more questions. And have some unsolicited advice.

Oh, I will yell my advice from on high. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop,

one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd

you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're think. And it's not biz. With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are back yeah it's time for some unsolicited wait how did i do

it it was like a electric guitar riff. On solicited advice. Mom, I'm going to fucking cum. It's getting worse. Yeah, that one was definitely like, don't walk in. I'm orgasming. Right. I mean, I almost, like, mom, I'm going to cum like you're fucking your mom. Yeah.

No, it definitely felt that way, too. Sweet. Like, I can see why you'd misconstrued as that. Anyway. I've tipto way too. Sweet. Like I can see why it was, you'd misconstrued as that. Anyway. I've tiptoed around it recently. We've spoken to it, about it, just trickled into the podcast.

If anyone follows you on social media, they know. Yeah, I can't get enough of it. My unsolicited advice is, if you've got some extra money lying around, throw it into the cryptocurrency market. I mean,

it is a fucking bonanza in there. Yeah, you told me to do that. I've only lost $300 so far. Well, so far, so far, it is the wild west. There are swings, ebbs, and flows. My advice is not to put money that you can afford to lose. That's my way of getting out of it guilt free. If you have money lying around that's literally doing nothing that you'd like to pretty much gamble, that you'd be okay if it went away entirely. Right. $200 just vanished. Yeah. You could buy a couple thousand Tron. Oh, more than a couple thousand. That crypto is just tanking. It is absolutely taking Should I sell my Tron? I'm out on Tron. So this is basically the lowdown of it What you can do is

If you're on the fence You sign up for a Gemini account Which is sort of Coinbase was like the myspace of it Coinbase started it all off That's how I bought my first Bitcoin Wait I don't have a Gemini do I? You do not I don't even have Gemini

Gemini basically allows you to buy Bitcoin and Ethereum, which are the big two cryptocurrencies. And you don't have to buy a whole one. I know what you're thinking. Bitcoin's worth over $10,000. I don't know if it still will be by the time the show comes out, but let's say it is. You don't have to buy an entire Bitcoin. You could put in $50, $100, and get a fraction of a Bitcoin. Once you have Bitcoin and Ethereum, should I even get into, like, what the hell any of this is? Or that doesn't matter right now?

I guess you could probably get into it a little bit. Why don't we, yeah, a light primer. Yeah, a light primer is every money, I guess I won't say every money, but pretty much all the money that I've ever heard of is attached to a government. So there's US dollars, Canadian dollars, Australian dollars, and there's an exchange between these. And, you know, that goes up and down. And the British pound, the euro, they all have attached to a government. And one day, about eight years ago, somebody said, what if we just created money, decentralized, not attached to any government, a completely digital cryptocurrency,

which means it's like kind of anonymous. We don't know exactly who owns any of it. And people can mine it and create it and then use it to buy and sell and the value of it will go up. That was Bitcoin. People heard about it, bought more. As people buy more, the value goes up because it's more valuable. Suddenly it becomes worth $1,000 for a Bitcoin, 5,000. I remember four years ago, five years ago, Streeter was telling us to buy it when it was like, it went from like $300 to $600. And Streeter was like, you guys got to get in on this. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it keeps going up. We bought a few. We felt really smart. We sold a few over the course of the years, or at least I did, because it went down or up. And then in the last year, it went from $1,000 for a Bitcoin to almost $20,000. Some people bought it when it was at $20,000, assuming it would go up forever. Then it went down to about $13,000. And that spawned other cryptocurrencies. It's not just Bitcoin. There's other ones. So the big, I would say, big four are Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin, and Bitcoin Cash. You don't have to memorize all

this stuff, but you can buy some of this stuff. And you could do that with US dollars on Gemini. And then what I did was I got deeper, delved deeper, because I knew there were other Bitcoins out there. I wanted to see, I wanted to buy the ones, because you keep hearing about these people like, I bought a thousand Bitcoins accidentally when they cost 50 cents each, and now I'm worth $1.9 billion. So I'm like, what other cryptocurrencies are out there that cost a few cents? And there are thousands, literally thousands,

because any company can create a cryptocurrency. It's basically like ipoing like creating a stock or joining the stock market so any company can do it you're basically buying penny stocks yeah but with like uh yeah with a um a precedent for one of these penny stocks like absolutely skyrocketing yeah and making you a billionaire. Exactly. And unfortunately, as you know— It's roulette with an enormous table.

Yeah. But as you know, when there's the possibility of scamming idiots out of their money, a lot of people just create fake ones that are not attached to any company. They buy a lot of it, so the price goes up. Then idiots like me are like, oh, this one went from one cent to five cents. I'm going to buy 25,000 of them them do you know which ones that happened with because i bought all the ones you told me to so you gotta tell me what to sell them to well there's one that somebody bought somebody started dogecoin d-o-g-e coin uh basically as a joke being like this shit is meaningless nobody should buy any of this stuff and then people started buying doge coins just to prove how dumb it was and now doge coin the total value of

it um is like in the billions everyone's like see like this coin which isn't even worth anything it doesn't even do anything people are buying and selling it uh and if you multiply that amount by the amount of doge coins there are, it's over a billion dollars. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense. So as a joke, this guy created a billion dollar, why don't we create a fucking cryptocurrency? Yeah, we can.

We can create a head gum one and then you can own part of head gum. So some of these coins are attached to actual companies with great teams behind them who are doing awesome things. I read about one called the Gollum Project, which uses latent computer processing power from around the world to help other people. So like you use your computer for email and that's it. You're not using 90% of your computer processing power. And there's a guy in India that wants to render animation and he can't do it

because his computer is old. So it's like, what if he can tap into the latent unused computer processing power from around the world to help him render animation to do stuff? Christ, how is that possible? It sounds like a superhero. It's, it sounds like very lofty and ambitious and awesome. And they created a cryptocurrency to help fund that. So you can invest in that. And then there are ones that are like, wait, what is this guy doing? This thing already exists.

But, you know, there's like scam coins, shit coins, they call them on the Reddit. So you want to look to avoid those. But even those can be profitable because those also quote unquote moon, which is like when they become worth 10 to 50 to 100 times their current value. So your advice isn't specific to invest in this one and not this one. Your advice is just get Gemini and get in the game. Yeah, I'm saying if you have some money to tinker with this, because if you're kind of like a numbers stats nerd like me, and you have a fantasy football team, but that's in the off season this is kind of like a fantasy uh football game that never ends

because the market unlike the stock market is 24 7 this is so i never you wait you gotta appeal to like all of your interest yeah and it's scary gambling it's math you go to sleep you go to sleep and you wake up and the numbers are completely different i'm like unless you fucking set an alarm for 4 a.m you have no idea what to do and then you can get even deeper in the weeds and like set like set buy and sell orders for like if the if a like let's say you bought tron for example let's talk about tron for a second i have no idea if anybody will find this interesting. Tron is a coin. This is the last unsolicited advice segment we'll ever do. It's a coin called Tron that many people are accusing the owner of basically creating something

out of nothing. It was a coin that was worth three cents per coin. So people would buy a lot of it and the price would go up. That's what happens. If people buy a lot, the price goes up, supply and demand. So they're accusing rich people of just buying it up so that Tron went from 3 to 11 cents. And then everyone starts talking about it. What's this coin that like tripled over the course of a night or two? Like we should buy that. And then as people do that, the price went from 11 cents to 30 cents. And then the rich people who moved it from 3 cents to 11 cents just tripled their actual money because it went from 11 to 30. Then all those rich people sold the Tron, they made their profit, and it left a bunch of idiots who bought it at 30 cents, and now they're holding a coin that's worth 11

cents. And nobody fully really understands, or I shouldn't say nobody because I'm sure there are certain nerds that do, but the vast majority of these bro crypto traders don't really know what Tron does. They just look at the numbers and the price point. Like, I want to buy something worth $0.03 because what the fuck, it's worth it. And some of those people are right, unfortunately. So they're like, I bought it at $0.03 and now it's worth $0.20. And look, I'm a fucking genius because I turned $1,000 into $7,000. And that's why it kind of feels like the wild, wild west

because even the wrong people are right sometimes. So there's multiple ways to play the game. You can try to follow these shit coins, quote, unquote, and see if they can double, triple in value and sell it right away. Or you can invest more money into the teams like that Gollum thing that I found. There's probably 10, 15, 20 of those really reputable ones that don't necessarily go from 3 cents to 40 cents because nobody's

pumping and dumping and shilling it. This is the real world, man. The bad guys always win. The dude in India is never rendering his fucking animation. I'm all in on shit coin. That's a new one, actually. We can start one called shit coin. just embrace it

completely that's kind of what dogecoin is but remember litecoin uh you bought it at like 80 dollars for something like two months ago yeah litecoin sort of like the silver to bitcoin's gold they call it don't entirely know what that means but you bought it around 80 and for whatever reason people really liked it maybe because it was the cheapest one you could buy on Coinbase and it seemed more affordable. And if you thought you can't afford a full Bitcoin, you could just buy Litecoin. And that went from $80 to about $350 in like three weeks. Everyone looked like a genius. Just buy Litecoin.

It'll go up forever. Litecoin eventually devolves. But Litecoin was worth $4 a year ago. That's crazy. So I'm like, what if I can find the next Litecoin was worth $4 a year ago. That's crazy. So I'm like, what if I can find the next Litecoin, but instead of buying eight of them, I'll just buy 10 fucking thousand of them. Well, but then you day trade everything. But you don't necessarily have to day trade. Like you said, roulette, just put a huge bet on one thing and hope that it goes from $4 to $400.

I guess that's what I did with Bitcoin. I didn't even know if I still had Bitcoin when it went, skyrocketed the second time. We bought one or two and we should have bought just like 80. I don't know why we didn't buy 80. Because like six years ago, I don't think I had more than $500 to spend on it. Right. That makes sense. Don't, again, it sounds exciting,

or maybe completely not, and I lost you, but don't be willing to put in, you can't afford to lose, because, again, we record this on Friday, by Monday, everyone might realize that this is all going to shit. Oh, yeah. Which seems to happen once a week,

that everyone just starts selling off everything, because they're like, holy shit, I've made real money, but I've only made real money if I sell. So I'm just going to sell, sell, sell. Prices go down. Everyone's like, shit, I've got to sell now before it's back down to zero. But then they're like, oh, wow, I can get into this. And then like all the new, you know, you never know. It's a cycle.

It's a cycle. But if you have that same. You're just telling people to get in this game so you game to drive up the price of Tron, dude. I'm just saying, if you want to buy a specific crypto that I buy... That's illicit advice. Buy Tron so I can fucking sell. Yeah, it's called shilling. So every time you own a coin, you speak very highly of it,

and everyone just accuses you of shilling. But it's kind of like this self-fulfilling prophecy because if you have a coin, you want people to buy it, so you rave about it. And then if you're raving about it, then want people to buy it so you rave about it and then if you're raving about it then more people buy it more people rave about it like what's there the only way you can't like rave about it is like literally a currency right it's not like i would i'm just going around raving about icelandic kroner right yeah like you should really buy you should only use kroner it's better yeah pretty much but like what what makes rye blocks better than tron or navcoin better than poet as far as i know i don't know but you can't

be like oh you gotta get out of poet and the only thing you could the only way you can rave is by saying like that one's tanking this one's going up right or you can say this one's actually useful in the real world which is like some people are just buying and selling to make money and some people like no you don't understand navcoin is free instant transactionless like uh it's the it's what bitcoin was meant to be and i fully believe we'll all be on navcoin soon so i'm buying it now like spiritually and philosophically i'm like with this company. And other people are like, if it doubles, I'll sell it and move to Japan. I don't know what the fuck it does.

But it's a fun game nonetheless. Anyway, tweet at me your altcoin recs and let us know if this was completely boring to you. Well, next week it'll be different unsolicited advice. No, it'll just be more crypto shit. All right. Well, I quit the podcast. Of course.

And if it does go well, I'll just spin off, lock myself in a room, and start a five-hour-long daily crypto podcast. Because every four minutes, the landscape completely changes. Did you have any unsolicited advice, or was that enough for both of us? I think that's good for both of us. And then maybe I'll go next week. That's good. I also don you have any unsolicited advice, or was that enough for both of us? I think that's good for both of us, and then maybe I'll go next week. That's good. I also don't have any, so... What about our shows, our live shows in Canada? Oh, yeah. Come to those.

Yeah, those are still available. Tickets... We're doing... What's the order? Calgary, Winnipeg, Vancouver? I believe it's Winnipeg then Calgary. Yeah, Winnipeg, then Calgary, then Winnipeg then Calgary then Vancouver on March 6th, 7th, and 8th. Two never before

seen cities for us and one only once. We've only done a Vancouver show one other time. That's right. Hopefully we'll get some special guests in those cities too. Ooh la la baby. No promises though. Much like cryptocurrency, we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Especially with our commander in thief. That's right. I swear he's stealing shit from me. Well, the new thing is that he's, well, I guess not new, but he's so racist. Yeah. What a fucking loser. Anyway. All right.

Question. You sent me a question about shoes. Oh, yeah. Shoes. Oh,, yeah. Shoes. Oh, my God. Shoes. Do you remember? Let me see if I can pull it up.

All right. Hey, guys. I'm trying to pick between... Oh, wait. What should we call this guy? Fucking Tron. Yeah, that's good. Stellar.

XLM. I'm trying to pick between two pairs of shoes and I can't decide on which to purchase. I posted them to my story with a poll and the poll went 50-50. I haven't been able to decide which to choose from and I would like your opinion so I've attached the photo of both.

Love the show and look forward to hearing from you. So these are the shoes here. What are these? Are these vans? Those are, yeah, those are sort of like the old school van high top with the gum sole. Yeah. One is burgundy red. One is white on white on white. Well, white on white on gum sole. Yeah. So not full, not full white. Um, okay. So what's your, what's your opinion on these two shoes? I have a strong opinion, and I think you've got to go white. Really?

Yeah. That matches with everything. The burgundy is not going to look, I don't know. I don't think it's going to look great with a lot of different color pants. Yeah. Although the pants that you're probably going to wear, and by probably I mean me, like blue or gray, those red shoes will go with either of those. So I'm not too concerned about that. Red shoes, but it's also hard to match red shoes with, like, shirts.

I don't know. I just think shoes, when I think about shoes, I think about, like, not wanting to think too much about, oh, I need to match these shoes with this outfit. Right. Like, the shoes should just thoughtlessly match. So that's like gray or white or black. Are you a little concerned about keeping the whites fresh? Yeah, I don't think you can keep the whites fresh, but that's the nice thing about Vans is that they're, like,

you know, relatively cheap. They're under $100. So you're saying... So you replace them every few months. Or you could just buy both if you're a big baller. Honestly, if you invest really wisely, you can turn that one van into two vans pretty quickly. That's true too.

With a routine pump and dump. What you want to do is- Short buy- It's all solicited advice is over. Of course. And we're never doing it again. So again, we're split. We haven't helped this guy.

Because you're saying white. I'm saying burgundy. You are really saying burgundy. Yeah, burgundy is one, harder, easier to keep clean. Like, with a white, within, like, four uses, those white shoes are scuffed. And that sort of depletes the joy of the white. I don't think, well, I think that if you're talking about like Ultraboosts or fucking Yeezys, I don't even know if they bake white Yeezys. Vans and Converse look better when they're a little scuffed.

Yeah, but I think the joy of a white shoe is how fresh it looks. And then when there's like just like gray and black like skid marks throughout it it starts to it makes it look a lot shittier I think light wear on those whites it's gonna look nice especially with the gums all also if you're wearing like a pretty basic like if you're wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt you don't think the white shoes is too much because you're wearing a white shirt with white shoes I think that looks nice but wouldn't if you're wearing white shirt blue jeans don't think the white shoes is too much because you're wearing a white shirt with white shoes. I think that looks nice. But wouldn't, if you're wearing white shirt, blue jeans, I would wear the burgundy if I had those two options. Yeah. Well, theoretically, I guess you should also

weigh this on what shoes are already in your closet. Yeah. Like if you already have white shoes. If you already have white shoes, then yeah. But if you have a pair of gray shoes and a pair of blue shoes, I think white rounds it out better than burgundy. Yeah. You don't own any burgundy shoes, do you? I don't, but I'm wearing green right now instead of white. So this is sort of a splash of some sort of color. So this guy says, P.S. I already own 21 pairs of burgundy shoes. Nice.

All right, so I think the burgundy thing, because you clearly love burgundy. Yeah, you got a collection going, and I'd hate to ruin that for you. So once again, we're split. Isn't it weird that one shoe of each hasn't ever become a thing? Like, wearing pants backwards was a thing for one point. Like, you would think, like, one red, one white

would ever be a thing. I don't recall that ever being a thing. I feel like I've seen it before. I don't know if I've ever seen it. I've seen it. It's never taken the world by storm. Yeah. That's true.

What we need is Kanye to wear it. Kanye-ses. Yeah. Why has that never been a thing? What about... Maybe it's too easy. Too yeezy? That's right.

That's right. That's the end of our, not just episode, but our entire podcast. Our career, actually. We'll never work in this town again. What do you think of our, not just episode, but our entire podcast. Our career, actually. We'll never work in this town again. What do you think of burgundy laces on the white shoe? No. Of course not. White laces on the burgundy?

I just want you to visualize it. White laces on burgundy? No, I don't think that either. What color were the laces on the burgundy? Burgundy. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Of jorts. All right.

The good news is with a 50-50, you can't go wrong. That's true. But you also can't go right. Get blue shoes. Half your friends are going to hate them. Have your red and eat it. Shoo. All right.

Done. That's it. We maxed our time. Thanks for listening, everybody. Tweet at us. Let us know what you think about this segment or any other segment ideas you may have in the future. Ask us questions.

Send us theme songs. The opening one was written by Kyle. This closing one was written by Ellie. The email address for everything, everything, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Ta-da. We'll be back next week.

I'll be 35 years old next week, so the show might be a little different. Happy early birthday. Let me be the first to wish you. It's funny that you mention that. I'm not even thinking about that. You said it earlier. I do. I appreciate it.

Thank you. I just wish I didn't have to bring it up earlier. You should have said it before I said it as well. So you went from saying, I don't even think about it, to now you're mad at me. When you say it, it's kind of condescending. You said from saying, I don't even think about it to now you're mad at me. Now, when you say it,

it's kind of condescending. You said, no, I don't even think about that. Now you're a little piece of shit and you don't deserve to talk to me. And now the truth comes out.

Oh, I can't wait for my birthday. I'm glad everyone's hearing this. I'm going to take a big shit on your white shoes. Yeah, you are. Yeah.

I'm going to hold you down and people will hold you down because it'll be my special day, and that's what I'll ask for. That's how you want to spend your birthday, shitting on my shoes. As a birthday present, you want all of our friends to hold me down and shit on your shoes. Thanks for listening, everybody.

And shit on your shoes. The best thing about Mondays is a pocket that's cooler than other jizz. You know who to write to if you're in tears Dan Green and his bathroom will conquer your fears Theodore Leslie, or Leslie Theodore Infinite references, I'll make a few more Cause you won't believe in the cheese that I'm seizing And I'm in a Starbucks, and fuck, I'm ceasing, and I'm in a Starbucks And fuck I stopped breathing

And the reason I'm smiling is my underclothes Got me feeling blessed and hashtag dope And all I can think is I must tell my pals That it's softer than cotton, and they call it Modal At the end of the day Doesn't matter what you do As long as you're listening To If I Were You That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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