Segments - 311: Hidden Dildos

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

In this episode we discuss mormon parents, annoying brothers, and Jake's Game of Thrones addiction.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only do you have the time to listen to advice about sex drugs family and ldrs Amir is one of those epigrammatic dudes And Jake just wants to bone no doubt about it Sometimes I need to seize the cheese Sometimes my girlfriend cheats on me

It's all just added up. My life's stuck in a rut. So please tell me what to do if I were you. Yeah. That was Dear Lincoln again. God, I fucking love that cover, dude. DearLincoln.com or Facebook.com slash Dear Lincoln. Good band name.

They say that despite the fact that Nicole Byer thinks it's cheating, they want us to shout out their band. Remember, because we played a Dear Lincoln song in her episode, and she said it's cheating to have a band play the song. Oh, yeah. That's right. It has to be just one person. On a kazoo.

Yeah, that was a Green Day cover. That song came out, what, 96 or something? No, way later. 2014. What? No. What? That's comical.

That's absolutely hilarious. I would guess that came out in 1995. Yeah, so if you're, like, how many of our fans are under the age of 23 that came out before they were born? That's like us listening to 70s classic rock or something. I think our fans are older now, though. All of them? Yeah.

Yeah, when did Basket Case by Green Day come out? 94. Wow. Yeah, great song. And great cover. Thank you, dear Lincoln. 94! Wow. Yeah. Great song. And great cover. Thank you, dear Lincoln. Gracias, guys. And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet

that we're still hosting. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. And I'm Josh. Two Joshes and one Amir. You already said, okay. We got some good feedback from the unsolicited advice segment. Wow. Yeah, so we're going to try it again this week.

We're going to talk again about crypto. So basically what we're looking at is a correction, folks. That's a 20% to 30% dip. If you're a longtime holder, you're going to want to buy. I mean, these prices will not last. Good Lord. But Jake will offer up his unsolicited advice later. That's right.

Do you got a good one? I have something that has made me very happy. And that's pretty much all we need. I sent you some questions. Do you have them on hand? My computer's about to die. I do. Okay, good.

I do have them on hand. You do? I do. All right. Choose one. Okay. good. I do have them on hand. You do. I do. Alright. Choose one. Okay. Take that, rewind it back. This one is from a gentle person. Oh, very woke. But it is a guy. Of course.

A gentle guy. And he does identify as such. Sidney Dean Stant. His last name is Stant? Stant. Stant. His last name is Stant? Stant. Stant. Sidney Dean Stant writes,

Hey boys, so here's the deal. I've been seeing this girl for three months now. We hang out several times a week, and each of us have met each other's friends, and she even met my mom last weekend. We haven't had the talk yet, but since we've been so intimate, she and engaged in each other's

lives for the last few months, I would be surprised if she had room for other people. And if she did, I'd be unaware of it. Of course. Those are the two options. Of course. I either know or I don't know about them. So here's the problem. The other night she matched with one of my best friends who she hasn't met, and I'm unsure what it means. They had a small conversation, nothing much, but she messaged the first, hey, does this mean she's banging other people? Does it mean she doesn't see this as serious? Could she have been sleeping with other people and just not telling me those stories? We met on Tinder, so I know she's comfortable using the app to make serious relationships. Should I playfully bring up the fact that they matched or just let it lie?

My friend isn't interested, so that's not a problem. Do people still use Tinder when they aren't looking for sex? Should I take this as a sign that I shouldn't ask to move into a committed relationship? Love, Sydney Dean Stant. That's got to hurt. That sparts a bit. I introduced you to my mom, and now you're saying hey on a dating app to another guy. Yeah.

I feel like once you meet the mom, you can't sleep with anybody else, because then you have to explain to the mom. You don't have to break up with the mom. But this guy has to be like, yeah, she's good, she's good, she matched with another guy, mom. Yeah, the hey, the first hey really undoes it all, doesn't it? Yeah, because it could be like an errant match from three weeks ago. Yeah, or like a totally like a lame match that, oh, I swiped this guy months and months ago. It just went through.

Hey is like, all right, let's fucking get to this i'm interested in you i'm down to chat i didn't meet somebody's mom last weekend from a mom to a stranger hay that sucks to hear dude yeah and then it's like the friend is like but i'm the friend's not interested so it's like that that sucks too it's like what's wrong with her why aren't you you're not even down to entertain it but don't, my best friend thinks she's ugly. He would never, it's, he's not her type is all. Yeah, so. I wait until introducing ladies to mothers just to avoid this specific thing.

You're an early meet my mom type deal, right? Yeah, I love, I love bringing people around. Throwing into the fire. My mom has met people that i was just banging for a weekend and that's how i'll introduce them too so i'll be like this is sarah we were just banging for a weekend but this is rachel i'm hanging and banging with her on the side like all of the all of the people my mom has had to meet and instantly forget. Yeah.

And do you ever, when after the lady leaves, the mom's like, what was her name again? Are you ever like, don't worry about it? No. I mean, I don't think I've ever done that. But there have been times where my, like, I remember one time somebody was leaving. I was a real fucking monster. My mom, somebody was leaving my house in the morning, and my mom, like, thought it was somebody else that she had already met.

And she, like, went over and hugged them. And she's like, oh, we've never met before. And then when they left, I was like, that was not who you thought it was. Oh. And my mom was like, you're the man, Hurwitz. She gave you daps. But now I'm happily, happily married. By the way, I had my wedding.

What the fuck? Yeah, I had my wedding. When? This past weekend. This past weekend? Yeah. So I am married now. You said you're going to Palm Springs for a quick little getaway.

Yeah. Well, it ended up being my wedding, so. What about your actual wedding? What about it? Is that going to happen still? No. You decided. That was a decoy wedding to throw you off the scent.

Everybody was in Palm Springs last weekend. There was no wedding hashtag. I didn't see anything on Instagram. Would you be impressed if I, like, eloped, got married, and, like, it was like an elopement with a bunch of our friends? If it was all a ruse to not get you invited to the wedding? I guess I'd be impressed, yeah, that you're able to pull off such a heist. But now that I'm on your website, yeah, look at all these rough photos of the entire event. Yeah, the hashtag was Amir's not here. I see that now. You put it all in a closed group Finstagram. rough photos of the entire event. Yeah, the hashtag was Amir's not here.

I see that now. You put it all in a closed group Finstagram. All right, so what does this guy do? Assume, I don't know, do you bring it up? I think if you've introduced to your mother, then you bring it up. And I don't think you have to do faux joking, like, hey, I saw you matched with my friend. Why'd you say hey? You have to be like, I didn't know you were still using Tinder. And I know that now because you matched with my friend

and you messaged him. So like, I guess, I mean, you do have, you have to have the talk. That's the talk. That's the, are we's the are we dating other people talk. Have you had that talk or do you just create an implicit conversation and assume that you guys are in a serious relationship? As I've gotten older, I've foregone the talk

and been more like declarative statements of being like, hey, I'm not, by the way, I'm not going to see anybody else. I don't know. Take what you want from that.

And if you'd like to follow my lead, let me know. I'm okay. I'll probably still match and message. Yeah, but I mean, you can have these, that's like, you have to have at least some version of that talk, I think. Yeah, it doesn't have to be the talk. I've always just erred on the side of like, if you are spending more and more and more time with somebody, that like...

Yeah, it's almost, it's too hard for them to see other people. But not everybody is on that tip. So sometimes it sounds like at least here the talk is necessary. Yeah. It might be as simple as, like, people just like sending messages. Oh, you think? There's still like a spark moment you get from that. Yeah.

I think that that's, and I accept that and I think it's fine. And I think if like, even if I had been dating somebody for a few months and I like got a match on Tinder and I like wanted to exchange messages that I, that I might. And like, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's trying to fuck your friend.

It might just mean that she likes the, the rush of getting a Tinder message. Yeah. Who doesn't necessarily mean that she's trying to fuck your friend. It might just mean that she likes the rush of getting a Tinder message. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah. I wonder if you can make that. It's like we're not in an open relationship, but we're still on dating apps so that we can chat. Yeah. So that's why you have to talk.

You think that's a dangerous game to play? Like if you're like. Oh, definitely. I just want the rush of chatting. No. Yeah. I think that's it. If you want the rush of chatting no yeah i i think that's a if you want the rush of chatting it's only a rush because it could turn into fucking but it's like it's almost

like a nicotine patch you're like i don't want a full-blown cheat but i still want the little fucking dopamine rush of chatting yeah but then like all of a sudden then it's a bigger dopamine rush of chatting with somebody who you think is really hot yeah and then that really hot person wants to meet up you're like all right well i just want the rush of like dating a drink yeah i'm not gonna fuck them but i just want someone to flirt with me yeah yeah and then it's like oh wow now uh you're touching my leg and i want the rush of fucking you i just want every rush is all i want more rushes i can't get enough i I'm rushing. Nice. Thanks, man. Alright.

Talk to her about it. Don't bring it up in a playful way. That's right. Let's read that dildo question. Who hath my dildo? Is that what it's called? The subject is who has my dildo? Got it. And who wrote this email?

Sword Dean Stant. Sydney's little sister. A proud Dean Stant family. Sword Dean Stant writes, hey guys, love the show. I'm a 20-year-old gal. That's great to hear. That she loves the show. That is really cool.

Alright, want to go on to the next question? I'm a 20 year old gal who just recently got a dildo and a vibrator as a birthday present from my best friend and I was leaving town for work like a day after so I hid them in my closet. The only sensible thing to do, obviously. And now I'm back home. I live with my mom

and two little brothers and they're gone. The dildos, not the mom and the little brother. My mom is very open-minded and sex positive. It's not like we talk about details and stuff, but still. And to me, it makes no sense that she would take them? That being said, my shit is still gone, and I have no idea who has it or what to do. What do I do here? I don't think anyone in the family wants to address the

dildo in the room. Nice. But I want him back. What do I do? And what happened to my shit? Love, Sword, Dean, Stant. Both of these emails actually were signed love, which I think is really nice. That's nice. They love the show so much that they love us. I love you too.

Is love saying I love you or is it saying with love I present to you? I think love is I love you. But I think you do things with love in your heart. I send a lot of my emails love because I have love. Right. Not necessarily for the person you're emailing. Namaste. So there's about a 33% chance that the mom has it.

Or would you say it's higher than that? Uh, I think it's little brothers. Cause it's like a more of a mischievous little thing. Yeah. At which point the brothers are going to bring it up or they're just fucking watching you squirm. Yeah. I thought, I really thought you were, or they're watching you squirm. Like some sort of weird spying on you or masturbating thing.

They want you to do it with your own fingers. Oh, the little brothers would love that. Yeah, I guess it depends how old the little brothers are. Because if they're like... They're tweens. Yeah, if they're like pre-pubescent or like right around pubescent, then I think they have like some sort of rush of stealing it. If they're 16 or older, I don't think they stole it.

You know what you can say to the mom without being so overt about it? Saying, did you take anything out of my closet? And then she goes, what are you talking about? And then you go, my dildo, my vibrato. My dildo, mother. I know what you did last weekend, mother. You used them on yourself, mother.

Oh, yes. I can taste the difference, mother. Oh, come on. I don't think, I guess I really don't know, but it feels like it's only in like porn for dudes that women suck on dildos. Well, I assume she has one little taste bud on the vagina. You think the vagina has a taste bud? A single bud, yeah. So you can sort of make sure that what's in there is clean. I disagree.

I disagree that a vagina has a taste bud. Could you put, yeah, like why is a tongue your only taste buds? I want to put a little taste bud. Could you put, yeah, like, why is a tongue your only taste buds? Like, I want to, like, I want to put a little taste bud on my hand. So, like... You probably wouldn't want to do that. Yeah, so if there's, like, a... If I'm, like, holding a bagel, I'd be like, oh, this tastes sour. I don't want to... Oh, right. So, like,

if you had a little taste bud on your finger, I feel like you would need to... You would have to put it underneath a flap. Yeah. Because you can't just, like, taste everything. Yeah, you don't want to taste the steering wheel. Right, exactly. That's almost exactly what I was thinking of was my steering wheel. So you don't want to, you have a little flap, right?

And underneath it is a bud. Yeah. A taste bud. So you're like, do I want this, do I want this donut? You taste it, you're like, oh yeah, I do want that. Yeah, it tastes really good according to my little bud. Oh, this is actually a little stale. Yeah.

That would be interesting. Yeah, and then you good according to my little butt. Oh, this is actually a little stale. Yeah. That would be interesting. Yeah, and then you would taste the staleness on your little butt flap. Anyway, I think that if your mom is sex positive and open, I think you could even say, did you take the dildo? Because then your mom would be able to... Your mom's on your side here. If she didn't take the dildo, then you know it was the brothers. Is dildo like a

casual, cool nickname for something? Or is that the official name for this dick stick? It's definitely not dick stick. Okay. Well, I'm just pitching an idea. Dildo... I guess... Like if you go to a sex

store, does it say dildo on the signs, or does it say like dick stick? Or yeah, you could say... A phallic statue of sorts. Yeah, fake penis. Yeah, a mold, a penile mold. You could, yeah, I... It's dildo in the dictionary. Here's the question. Is it like sex positive enough? You know how like we're, we can talk about periods, you know, like we're not supposed to stigmatize these things. Yeah, like that's fine. And like we shouldn't at the same time stigmatize dildos because like masturbation is fine and it's healthy.

It's healthy, yeah. So like at the dinner table, you could just fucking drop the bomb and be like, so which one of you stole my dildo? That's right. It should be the equivalent of saying I can't find my yoga mat. Like this thing helps me exercise my demons. Mm-hmm. And it happens to be shaped like a giant rubber dick. Oh, grow up, mom.

I think you just straight up ask. At dinner? Yeah. See, it's like, hey, pass the potato salad. And someone here has to pass my dildo as well. Somebody's eating oatmeal. Oh, actually, it was under this sleeping bag in my closet. Is that vibrator, is it like a phone?

So it goes... Or it's just constantly on? I think it has different settings, I imagine. But yeah, I think you would probably keep it constantly on. Yeah. Steady vibration. Is there a male equivalent of a vibrator? A vibrating vagina?

A flashlight. But that's more embarrassing, I think, than a dildo. Yeah. If somebody stole my flashlight, I wouldn't bring it up. Yeah, but that's, flashlights are expensive. So not only do you owe me my flashlight, mom, you actually owe me cash. It's embarrassing that, like, you have to bring it up, but it's more embarrassing for whoever stole it. So it's kind of not fair that she has to feel the shame.

Oh, you think they stole it to use it, or they stole it just to fuck with her? I think that they either stole it because of their own morbid curiosity. I don't think they stole it to be like, let's steal her dildo and make her ask for it. Oh, I thought that's what the little, if the little brothers took it, that's why. Yeah, but maybe they were like playing with it. Maybe they thought it was funny. Sword fighting. I don't think that they were like, yeah, I feel like they were.

I mean, her name is sword after all. So I imagine that like. Interesting. Yeah. I didn't think about it like that. Yeah. But that's also the name that you gave her. So it's not like. Oh, that's true. But like, gave her, so it's not like...

Oh, that's true. But you know a swashbuckler? Yeah. So this would be a gashbuckler. So it's like two little tweenage assholes, which I would never do this, but they would be using the dildos as the sword. And they would come up with little immature words like gashbuckler,

which I think is kind of like disgusting. Arr, matey. Walk the cock. That's good. Yeah. Wait, no, it's not. Sorry. Never mind.

I didn't mean to say that. It was good. Plank does not rhyme with cock. Close enough for you to walk the cock. It's got a K at the end of it. Yeah. It's sort of like, and you know what, you can use context clues. Yeah.

So it's like a little man walking over it off a dildo onto, into the ocean. Yeah. I mean, it's not as clean of a parallel as Gash Buckler, but at the same time, Gash Buckler is so foul. Cash buckler. But I think I zigged where you zagged, but zigging was the correct direction. Yeah.

So you would bring it up is what you're answering this question with? Yeah. But I don't think I'd actually bring it up at dinner. I think I'd bring it up

with mom, and if mom didn't take it, then I know what's up, and then you find some way to fuck with your brother's back i like that i also think if they're younger than 16 then they they definitely stole it yeah that's that's peak um what is it called when you're like a little dickling like a 15 year old little brother yeah so what dickling i guess let's just call it dickling especially because

they took a dick yeah you. You were a little brother. Yeah. Would you fuck with your sister in such a way? Did you fuck with your sister? Like when she had friends over, were you like, ooh, I'm going to fart or I'm going to throw a water balloon at them or something annoying? Not really. I think my older sister, I thought she was so cool that I would want to hang... When she had friends over, I wouldn't want to annoy them. I would want to hang out with them.

So I would be like, I won't talk. Just let me hang out with them. Can I watch a movie with you guys? Yeah, try to befriend one of the 16-year-old friends when you're 13. Yeah, I guess when I was 16 and they were 19, I still thought that. No, I was like always just trying to hang out with them. I was like making jokes that hopefully everyone would think they were funny. Yeah, in your perfect world, I'd be like, Jake's awesome. I want to hang out with him and not Hannah.

Or no, in my perfect world, they would want to hang out with all of us because I also thought Hannah was cool. And what about your little brother at the time? My little, Micah was eight years younger. So you're like, get the fuck away from me, dude. You're ruining my shit. I wanted him gone at the time. My little, Micah was eight years younger. So you're like, get the fuck away from me, dude. You're ruining my shit. I wanted him gone all the time. And he would do,

but he would, sort of like the way that I would like just try to win over my, like he would come down and ask me and my friends, like I'm 16, he's eight. He's like,

coming down, like, Micah, get the fuck out of here. And he'd be like, do you guys want nachos? And I'd be like, no, go away. And? And I'd be like, no, go away. And all my friends would be like, yes, we do.

No, we don't, dude. And then Mikey would, like, go upstairs and make us nachos. And he'd, like, come down. It was very, very charming. He was a little sweetheart. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. And we'll be back with more questions and some unsolicited advice from Jake Hurwitz.

That's right. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code

SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings

which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes?

Like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and hail Mary. You actually know both of those. Yeah. Running is when you run and then hail Mary is when you chuck it. Right. Damn. I think you should download the draftraftKings Pick 6 app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players,

check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going gonna say gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited.

One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Picks 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at picks6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.

And we've returned. Jake? Oh, it's a list. It's advice. Bam, bam, it's a list of advice. Nice. Was that what it was? It was close enough. Bagley?

Oh, you know what we can start asking for is little segment theme songs. Advice stinger? Yeah. So we need like five second stingers that we can use. And you can use that as Jake's notes as the basis. So maybe if dear Lincoln is still listening, you can send us one. Yeah. We don't need like a different,

we don't need like another one minute, but we need like a five second fucking segment intro. Stinger. Yeah. Unsolicited advice. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So today, this week's unsolicited advice. Here's what I've been doing with my life the last few months. Yeah. And I've really, really enjoyed it. And you recommend this to everybody? I recommend this to, yeah, to everybody. I've already been a Game of Thrones fan from the early days of the show.

And after the last season ended, I was like, I need more. So I started reading the books. And then as I was reading the books, I was like, why don't I rewatch the show? So I've been reading the books as I rewatch the show. And I just, every night I escape into Westeros. And it brings me such joy and pleasure that if – basically, if you like Game of Thrones but you haven't read the books and you haven't read the books because you're like, I've already seen the show, I know what happens, you don't know the fucking half of it.

Just go back and read the books. You're going to have a great time. Okay. And if you've already read the books and you were one of the people that like, as we were all watching the show, that was like, oh, you have to read the books. They're better. And like, oh, wait till the Red Wedding. The Red Wedding, yeah. Then I still say, fuck you. Get out of your ivory tower.

But also, good on you for reading the books. Great books. So as someone, I've watched like nine episodes of it and couldn't get into it. You would still recommend me to read the books? You hate reading. Okay. Would you still recommend it? I don't think that, no, I think there's no hope for you.

But if you like reading. Yes. If you like reading fiction, then I recommend the books. I think they're great books. Without even watching the show? If you read the books before the show came out, would you be as into it? Actually, I personally might. It's very, very dense.

There are many, many characters. And for me, it helped from the beginning to know at least like half of them. To have a visualization. Yeah. So I don't know that I would recommend watching the show than the books or the books than the show. I recommend them both equally. Would you say the books are better than the show?

I guess I don't quite remember the middle seasons of the show right now. I would say that the books are definitely better than the first two seasons of the show. Is your appetite for Game of Thrones insatiable? Like, would you read fan fiction at this point? Would you listen to a Game of Thrones podcast? I worried that I would slip, I would go down the hole and like,

because I am fearful for what happens when I'm done with the books. And it's all over. And it's all over. And like, because the void this leaves will be, it's a gaping void. It is a void the size of the red waste. Oh, wow. If you will.

You really think so? Yeah. The entire waste? I do. I really think it's bigger than the wall. The red waste where Daenerys lost most of her Dothraki horde. Yes, I do. So like right now,

I think about Westeros and Essos during the day. At night, I'm able to escape into Westeros and Essos. And then I could sometimes, if I'm home before my fiance, I can watch an episode of season two where I am now, which is really nice. And then at night, I... This is all before night. Yeah.

Before nightfall. Yeah, night, evening. And then when I go to sleep, I dream in Game of Thrones. Like last night, I had a dream about the Prince of Dorne. And I think that's really cool. Best part is, I think that's cool, and you can't tell me otherwise. But I was worried that I would start reading fan fiction and stuff, but I don't think I will. I think I really only trust George R.R. Martin and the show creators and stuff to tell the stories that I want to hear. Is it better than Lord of the Rings to you? It is better than Lord of the Rings to me.

Wow. So it's your favorite fantasy thing ever. Yeah. Wow. Because Lord of the Rings, I think, is really incredible. It's like epic. It's got the heroes and the magic and all the stuff that I like. But it doesn't have the fucking and the murder that Game of Thrones has.

Got it. Game of Thrones has sex and murder all over it, which is, you know, it's almost like Game of Thrones is Lord of the Rings fan fiction, because fan fiction always tends to go towards, like, everybody having sex. And what did you think of the Florida Project? I felt like it was more than half inane dribble okay got it so it was

yeah mindless child playing yeah with a little bit of story right i mean of course it's not as good as game of thrones of course and if you ask a fantasy nerd and he's like game of thrones is pretty good but if you want to get to the real shit you gotta fucking start reading. Do you know what they would say? Like is there some shit that's like even more concentrated like full books of pure fucking

and wizardry and magic? Oh yeah. Is it like J.R.R. Tolkien had like his epic after the Lord of the Rings like the Zemerellian

or something like that? Yeah I don't know. Maybe something like that? I don't know um maybe something like that i don't know or like but they would say like you have to play dnd where you can be one of these characters and that is also now what i'm doing oh yeah talk about that i'm sorry i'm starting a dnd campaign with murph emily and caldwell and we going to do it as a podcast. So the first you guys choosing your characters was an episode of their podcast, right? Yeah, which I don't know if it's out yet. I don't know when it's going to come out.

I think I saw people referencing it. Oh, so maybe it's out on 8-Bit Book Club. And then that episode is you guys creating your characters. Yeah. And then you're going to create a podcast that's you playing the game. Yeah. I mean, I've been pass a podcast that's you playing the game. Yeah. I mean, I've been like passively interested in D&D for a while because Gabrus told me

I would like it. Murph told me I would like it. I've had a couple of friends that were like, it's everything that you like. It's like doing bits and fantasy. Yeah. It's like fantasy improv. Yeah. Which I'm like pretty on board with, except I don't even, I don't even want it

to be funny. Like I want it to just be like, it's like kind of inevitably a little funny. Cause you're playing like, cause Murph is the dungeon master. You're playing make-believe as an adult. And like everything that you're doing is something that Murph made up in his head, but it's also like, I do, I love even just like looking at the map of Westeros. It brings me joy. And I can't explain why. You just like fake maps of fake places. I like the names of things like a mountain range called the Frost Fangs. I think that's really cool. And I, like, you know, it's as cool to me as like the mountain range called the Himalayas or the Rockies, you know, like.

Where did this start? Is there this fantasy? I like looking at maps. Where did the fantasy thing start? Yeah. Do you remember like the origin story of your nerddom? Probably with Lord of the Rings. The movies? Yeah. And actually, I think I mentioned this on 8-Bit Book Club, that like I was, what I would consider at the time, like I was like cool 16-year-old.

I like had my license. Me and my friend were like, let's get stoned and go to this like fucking Lord of the Rings movie. Like we were at another movie. We saw a preview for The Two Towers. Like that looks kind of awesome. I hadn't even seen the first movie. I got stoned and I went to Lord of the Rings movie. Like we were at another movie. We saw a preview for The Two Towers. Like that looks kind of awesome. I hadn't even seen the first movie. I got stoned and I went to Lord of the Rings.

I was like, like that's a cool thing to do. And then afterwards I like did this backslide into NerdTumb. Like fell down the hole where like after seeing Lord of the Rings, I like went and I bought the books. I like, we watched the first movie. I read all three books. And then ever since then, I've just been into fantasy. So Lord of the Rings, into Game of Thrones,

or there was something that we're missing? Did you ever get into Harry Potter? No, never got into Harry Potter. Because I think, to me, Lord of the Rings was sort of a grown-up Harry Potter. Because at the time, I think Harry Potter books and movies got a little more gritty and older. But at that time, Harry Potter was still the boy wizard. He was in elementary school. So that was my brother's shit.

I was more into the guys going on a quest across Middle Earth. That was cool. Taking down Sauron. Did you ever play video games like that? Yeah, I played the Lord of the Rings video game. What about like King's Quest and stuff like that? No, I never did that. And I think part of it was because I knew I would get too into it.

So I was like, I'm not going to. It can't go down that rabbit hole. I wonder what's next for you. Because like... If I get into D&D, that's like going to be pretty bad. That's a dangerous one. Because at that point, I'm very close to dressing up like some shit

and going to a Ren Faire. A year from now, I'm going to be like showing up at work with like my drawings. I'm making my own fucking maps. That's what like Thomas does. Murph drew a map for our campaign. Really? Yeah, there's a map for our campaign. Really?

Yeah, there's a map. And how is it? It's beautiful. It's awesome. I mean, it's like, it's a simple pencil drawing, but there's like mountain ranges and foothills and seas. Details. Yeah, like, and like even the names of the roads that people walk. What are your thoughts on Ren Fairs?

Would you ever dress up and go to that? I don't, I don't think so. Because that's too based in reality? Yeah. Part of me that doesn't like seeing the sadness of like... Other people who are into it. Yeah. And that's why I'm like, I guess I'll see how much I like playing D&D.

It's good that you're already engaged. Because I think if you were single, you'd be too self-conscious to play these things. Definitely. Yeah. You're like, I don't fucking play D&D. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I don't.

I definitely don't want anybody. Well, now it's fine. Yeah. Now it's public. Now you're embracing it. But you've already convinced someone to be with you. Too late, baby. She's gone. Well, that's fine, because

I'm actually an orc who lives on Frostfeg, and I get to sleep with all the harlots and whores in East Corridor. Knock it off, man. What? Knock it off, because my character is a human raised by dwarves

from the Iron Mountain. Wait, sorry, the Iron Mountain, the security company that shreds paper? Let me look at this text thread. I don't know what the name of my mountain is. I'm actually from Office Depot, and I was born at a stationery store. Oh, Iron Deep is the mountain range. Sorry. Iron Deep.

I'm from Iron Deep. Pretty cool. My ancestors bore into the mountain to mine for jewels. Kind of neat. So you're a tall man that was raised by short people? Which is not unlike what I actually am. Your father is not undwarven himself. All right, I guess I look forward to seeing where this slide into nerddom takes you.

Thank you very much. And I wonder what's after Game of Thrones. There's got to be another epic adventure being written out there right now. Yeah, I'll keep you posted. I'm almost done with the books. I'm finishing book four right now. I think there's only one more.

And then it's over. Well, the one more season of the show. Actually, no, I think I'm only finishing book three because book three was separated into two 500-page books. Of course. So I'm finishing part two of book three. So I've got a decent amount left. We have time for one more, I think.

There's a follow-up pop. Okay. Well, I wanted to mention the shows in Canada that are nearing capacity. You can't buy VIP tickets in Calgary no more. That's right. VIP tickets are slowly being, or quickly being gobbled up,

but there's still tickets available for the shows in Winnipeg, Calgary, and Vancouver in March. Those shows are turning into our own little epic adventure through the great Canadian frost. Which is cool. Yeah, because actually, John and the Knights Watch, they're all north of the wall right now, and we're going to be north of the wall when we go to Canada. Yeah, I guess so. That's where the Frost Fangs are. Yeah.

And we're going to the Canadian Rockies, which is kind of like the Frost Fangs. Anyway. Frost Fangs being the ones in the D&D game or the one in the...

The Frost Fangs are Game of Thrones. Got it. The D&D, there's Cloudbreaker Mountains and then there's Iron Deep. Of course. Yeah.

And the question that we have to answer? When are the shows? Oh, yeah. March 7th, 8th, and 9 there's Iron Deep. Of course. And the question that we have to answer? When are the shows? Oh yeah, March 7th, 8th, and 9th, I think. But tickets still available at fireyshow.com. Alright, let's get to this question. This is a follow-up, I don't remember the name that we called this guy.

Oh, the guy that bought shoes? Yeah. Alright, this is not a question, right? Yes. Not a question, but a follow up ok follow up so the guy who said I don't know what shoes to get the white shoes

or the red shoes and I told him to get the red shoes and he told him to get the white and I hate to break it to you but Jake

I completely agree with you and we'll be going with the white shoes they go well with most I would wear and I'm not too concerned about keeping the whites

super fresh. Amir, your point that half of my friends will hate either pair is spot on because I've already noticed it when asking which pair they prefer. However, I think that a white shirt with blue jeans would go better with white shoes than maroon. I happen to agree. While a pump and dump is a brilliant idea, I will wait until I hold both pairs of shoes. This is in hopes that you will pay me the price of one pair so I can dump the other. If you're okay with this, you can send me the money for one pair of shoes on Venmo. He wants us to buy his shoes now?

And I will throw it into an ICO. I'll send you a picture of the shoes when I get them. P.S. My bitch ass needs ankle support, which is why I am buying high-top Vans. If you have any alternative suggestions, I will be happy to take them. I'm not going to buy his shoes. Yeah, I probably won't Venmo him either.

Are there any other high-top shoes that you would rack, though? Do you think there are any other high-tops that he should cop? I have high-top Nikes. It wreck, though? Do you think there are any other high-tops that he should cop? I have high-top Nikes. It's like the Air Prestos. Or some, like, what's that skateboarding guy? The Stan Jaworski. The Nikes? Yeah, it's like a Nike skateboarding high-top shoe.

Oh, that's kind of cool. I have them in blue. But what do you need ankle support in everyday life for? Maybe he has weak ankles. At the very least. Would you rather have weak ankles or strong cankles? Strong cankles. Yeah, that way you're at the very least stout.

I want to have thick ankles and skinny knees. I want my legs to have that hourglass shit. That bowling pin thing, though. I want to look like a fucking 7'10 split walking down the street. Curves from the waist down. Yeah, you know when you do

the curvy body of a lady describing a woman's full figure? But just as describing a guy's leg. Yeah, a knee to toe, the bowling. That knee to toe-toe. I'm not going to buy his shoes. Do you want to buy his shoes? I don't know.

I don't think I really want to buy his shoes. All right. But I guess I'll think about it. I have his Venmo on hand. Do you have a quick last question? I think I sent you one last question. Parents are Mormon. Help.

Oh, that's the one. All right, let's go. Guy's name. Elder Cunningham, Dean Stant, writes, my parents are deeply Mormon and they recently found my stash of weed. Now they want to drug test me even while I'm away at college.

And if I fail, they'll stop paying for my tuition. Just this morning, they drug tested me and I had to sneak my brother into the bathroom to pee into the cup. Should I submit to this totalitarian regime or stick to my morals and keep ripping that green love? Well, he says best. Elder Cunningham, Dean Stant. Have you ever heard of a drug test to stay in a family?

My dad used to give me a breathalyzer sometimes. Wow. And what happens if you failed? He would ground me. But the first time he ever did it, I clearly hadn't been drinking, and it said that I did. So forever they were tainted. Yeah, a false positive.

Yeah, and I think he ended up not really being that much of a thing. I think it's like, it's the kind of thing that a parent threatens. Like nobody wants to like continually drug test your urine. Yeah. They just want to say that so you don't smoke anymore. But like the threat of a breath test or a urine test is usually enough to keep somebody... You have to be able to walk away. If you're like, fuck them,

I'm going to keep smoking my green. But then if they're like, alright, then we won't support you. You can't be like, wait, no, because I still need cash from you. Yeah, I think the answer is clear. Say that you're going to submit and that you'll stop smoking and you'll give them their pee.

And just, you rig the system once. Have, like, piss on hand. It's going to be especially easy when you're away at college. Just find a kid that, like, doesn't smoke. But if you still need them, you can't, you can't. They have the rules. They make the rules because they supply you with everything you need. Yeah, I think it's worthwhile to keep on getting them to pay for your college.

But I don't think you really have to stop smoking weed. I think that you can just find ways to circumvent the regime, as you say. Yeah, but once you're completely independent, then they can't drug test you. You can't say fuck off while you still need their money. Yeah. I'm going to do me. Write the check, bitch. Can I have cash for gas?

I also need more meals on my dining card. Write the check, bitch! Can I have cash for gas? Do you think... I also need more meals on my dining card. Because I'm always... I've got a munchie now. I'm stoned to death. Is standing your ground not taking the test or taking it and saying, I failed? I think standing the ground is not taking the test because you say, I smoke. Oh, like... Like, I'm not going to take the test. It's a waste of time. I'm telling you I smoke weed. I think standing on the ground is not taking the test because you say I smoke. Oh, like?

Like, I'm not going to take the test. It's a waste of time. I'm telling you I smoke weed. I got high. All right. That was a quick hit at the end. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions. Or a stinger.

Oh, yeah. Or a stinger for the unsolicited advice segment. Send it all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song was written, oh, that Green Day cover by Dear Lincoln. Dear Lincoln, yep. And the closing one is written by Ellie, which is a much more sweet song

to take us into the end of our episode. So thanks for listening, guys. If you live in Canada, come see us, and we'll be back next week. We should get a guest next week. That's a good idea. All right. Later, guys.

Bye. Deuces. The best thing about Mondays is A pocket that's cooler than other jizz You know who to write to if you're in a tiz Dan Green and his bathroom will conquer your fears Theodore Leslie, Leslie Theodore Infinite references, I'll make a few more

Cause you won't believe in the cheese that I'm seizing And I'm in a Starbucks And fuck, I've stopped breathing And the reason I'm smiling is my underclothes Got me feeling blessed and hashtag dope And all I can think is I must tell my pals That it's softer than cotton clothes. Got me feeling blessed and hashtag dope. Not like I didn't think as I must tell my pals. That's softer than cotton

and they call it MoDow. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you do as long as you're listening to If I Were You. That was a HeadGum Podcast. and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.