Segments - 314: Dungeons and Dragons (w/Murph and Emily!)

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

Friends and lovers Brian Murphy and Emily Axford join us to discuss paying for sex, writing a book, and their new Dungeons and Dragons podcast "Not another D and D podcast" on the HeadGum network!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then go ahead and get some advice Oh, from Jake and Amir They'll do their best to wash away all of your fears Jake's mama don't like it when he talks about sex Especially anal or STD tests But if that's the kind of thing that you'd like to know then go

and listen to this podcast show so if you've got a problem but don't have a clue then baby listen to If I Were You and if you're lost and don't know what to do then baby listen to if i were you hey i'm sorry hey we're talking about bie We're talking about Bieber over that whole song. That was very organic.

That was, like you guys noticed, a Love Yourself by Bieber parody by Dylan Barstow. So thanks, Dylan, for writing that in. Murph and Emily in the studio. Hi. We were talking about your love of Bieber. Yeah, Bieber came back. Bieber came back around. Do you like his personality or his music or both?

He changed. He grew up. I don't know if he grew up or not. He grew up, man. Musically. I think you hear a little less about him being a piece of shit. The app? Musically?

Look, okay, you want to talk about that song that's like, uh, na, uh, na, uh, na, uh, to now? Oh, baby, baby. There you go. That's the word he says. An 11-year-old boy versus a 25-year-old. Now, baby, baby. There you go. Well, it's like an 11-year-old boy versus like a 25-year-old. Now he's a teen. Now he's a fully grown 18-year-old.

Now he's a fully grown 15-year-old kid. He's a strong teenager. Eventually, he'll be a man. Are you into Bieber, Emily? I definitely like his new stuff. In terms of his personality, I guess I don't understand why everyone wants their pop stars to not have shit show lives.

When he was peeing into trash cans and shit, great. That's all part of the allure. I don't have to like the pop star. Who's the most famous person who's like, I don't know. I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6. Actually, Miley Cyrus. I remember when everyone's like, she's a wild card. She's doing drugs.

If you looked at her Twitter, she would just be like, I remember when she was like, when everyone's like, she's a wild card. She's doing drugs. If you looked at her Twitter, she would just be like, we got home from tour. Can't wait to organize my house. I love cleaning. And I was like, oh, you're just a sweetheart, aren't you? But isn't she also kind of crazy? She does like crazy, weird, sexual shit on stage. Yeah, but I think she lives a really tame life.

I think she's Prince style. You know how. Dude, don't demonize her. Yeah, man. But like you're talking about. You're slut shaming Miley. And she's Prince style. You know how... Don't be sexual, dude. Don't demonize her. Yeah, man. But like you were talking about... You're slut shaming Miley and she's just being Miley. That is true. This is a super like 2015 conversation.

Talking about whether Miley's a bad girl. Whether Miley's too sexual or not and how Justin has grown up. Because even that song, was that, sorry, which song was that? Love Yourself. Love Yourself.

That song's a few years old. Nah, it's like a year old. In this day and age, sorry, which song was that? Love Yourself. Love Yourself, that song's a few years old. Nah, it's like a year old. In this day and age, hun? Yeah, that might as well be the same thing. That might as well be a decade. Oh my God, don't hun me on the cast. Hun. Don't hun me on the cast.

This is a hun cast now. I hun Blumenfeld all the time. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Wait, we said who wrote that song? Yes, Dylan Barstow. Sorry.

And today we're joined by old friends of ours. We're now old friends, because we've known each other for over five years. Oh, is that the cutoff when you go from young friends to old friends? Yeah. We've grown up Bieber style. When the friendship gets gray. You did used to have a Bieber haircut when I first met you. I kind of did.

Wow. No wonder you love him. Remember the bunch of beavers? Well, I grew up with Bieber. Now I got the Bieber undercut or whatever the hell you call it. Did you grow up or glow up? What's the difference between the two? I would say I glue up.

Oh, really? Yeah. You do have a lot of glue on your hands. Is that the past perfect version of glowing up? Yeah. I glowed up. I glowed up. I glowed up. I glowed up.

Is there an official difference between those two? Or just like when you become stronger and hotter? Grow up is when you get more mature. Glow up is when you get shinier. So just the shine. You get more beautiful. More beautiful. That's even better than growing up.

Yeah. I want to be done glued up, you know? Yeah. That's just when you put glue on yourself. That's a bad thing to be, it seems. Uh-huh. All right. We got some real questions from real people.

And then I want to talk to you guys about the five and a half things you're working on, including a new podcast with Jake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. But first, let's get into it right quick. Otherwise, we'll never get to any of these questions. Hold on. Hold on.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Okay. Here we go. We need a girl's name. Emily, do you have a fake girl's name? Yeah. Sasha.

Nice and porn star-y. I like that. Sasha writes, I've been dating one of my coworkers for nine months, but nobody at my work knows, and we don't even think anyone suspects anything. I don't want to give out anything too personal, but he is a, quote, engineer three level, while I am a, quote, engineer two. He's not my boss or manager and doesn't have any power over me. I haven't gained any favors or anything because of this relationship. It's completely separate from work. We looked up our company's policy, which says, quote, if two employees should become involved in a romantic relationship, the company reserves the right to change work assignments. We don't want this to be a secret forever,

but I really do see a future with us. His lease is ending this summer and we're looking for a place together. So we thought people should probably know about us if we're living together. My idea was to tell another coworker who we're both pretty close friends with and see how she reacts and what he thinks we should do. Sorry, he reacts and see what he thinks we should do. What do you guys think we should do? We both love working there and we don't want this to ruin either one of our careers. As a side note, I'm the only woman in our department.

Does that change anything? Does this reflect badly on me? Much love, Sasha. Does it sound familiar? I have such a good idea. Yeah, what do you think? I think she should come out as dating someone else. Oh, and then see how they react.

See how it goes. And then if it goes poorly, she's like, psych, I would never date that person. Y'all fell for it. But if it goes well, she can be like, actually, I'm really dating this person. Why add that second level of why, though? it, but if it goes well, she can be like, actually, I'm really dating this person. Why add that second level of lie, though?

Why not just pretend she's not dating the first guy, the original guy, right? Because then people will be suspicious. Like, she comes out as dating, like, a real uggo. Like a random dude. Yeah, and everyone's like, what? I've never even seen you guys talk. And then she says, and they're like, alright, that's fine.

You're like, actually, I'm dating this guy. And then everyone's like, oh, you can't date that guy. It's like, all right, fuck. But you were cool with it when I was dating the ugly dude? I quit, I think. Discrimination. The boss would just be like, what is this crazy, weird background? Why is the company always has this policy where it's like you have to declare?

We have to know. I think it's because if somebody's above you or something. If you're a manager though, and you're dating like a new employee or something, I don't know, that's kind of weird, right? It's kind of weird, but why does the company be like, oh, it's policy that we should know. And it's our right as your boss to know.

Also, we want to know who's hooked up you have to declare that yeah just imagine the HR guy who made that rule he's into like juicy gossip if you

and if you're if you're hooking up with any of the interns you have to tell me you have to tell me in great detail it's company policy actually

it's company policy you have to tell me everything that you've done when was the first time you got head it's company policy, actually. It's company policy. You have to tell me everything that you've done. When was the first time you got head? It's company policy that I know. If you've had sex four times or gotten head eight times, I need to know about it. Are you 69ing?

It's company policy. Huffing, screaming. Are you looking at my boil? Of course not. Danny Boyle. You you looking at my boil? Of course not. Danny Boyle. You guys started dating at work? Yeah. I also am fiancé'd to a former co-worker of mine.

That's the word, I think. Yeah. So did you guys declare? You guys know you were fiancé'd for a little bit. We were fiancé'd, sure. We were fiancé'd, yeah. Did you guys declare? No, I did not declare.

Did you guys declare? I mean, our workplace was pretty casual like sam knew yeah but our workplace our workplace was casual but like there's definitely an iac rule policy yeah that's true there's like a weird there's like a contract and all that weird shit yeah i think they just have that stuff there though in case stuff goes bad that they can say hey we have this on our contract. Yeah, you were supposed to say something. I think companies probably don't care that much.

It's so if somebody else doesn't get promoted or something, they can't be like, he was fucking the boss or something like that. And then they can sue the company or something like that. It's not illegal. They just want to know. So I'm confused as to why that's the rule. We can't do's not illegal. They just want to know. So I'm confused as to why that's the rule. We can't do anything about it. We just want to know. Yeah, Emily's right that it's there to

protect against being sued for something that the fallout from this thing. So that they can be like, well, you didn't disclose it. So what if they did disclose it? They just want to be able to... It's in the fine print that like, I think it's so that if bosses,

if a boss was dating an intern, they could be like, hey buddy, you gotta cut that one off at the knees. Cause not the intern, the relationship, because that's dangerous. We were both staff writers on the same level.

Yeah. But if I was like, did you have to disclose that? If you were like the janitor and I was like the CEO. Ooh, now we're getting into the ingestion. This is the wrong comp. That is the one example. This is the wrong comp.

Turn off the mics. That's the one example no one would care about. Let's say I was working too much and I didn't have a personal life and that's why we kept running into each other. This is a good show. Because you work the night shift, but I work through the night. Oh, that's cool. Have you seen The Shape of Water? It's not too dissimilar from this. This is a good show. Because you work the night shift, but I work through the night. Oh, that's cool. Have you seen The Shape of Water?

It's not too dissimilar from this. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Yes, it is. It's a janitor and a fucking prisoner. Yeah, but that's kind of like a janitor love story. It's also similar to Good Will Hunting because the janitor is a hero in that sense.

Or Shawshank Redemption because a prisoner gets free. Or Made in Manhattan. Which I think is actually really close. We're just naming movies we like, right? Jennifer Lopez meets a hot rich hotelier. Yeah, Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock.

I don't know if either of them were a janitor. Oh, speaking of Sandra Bullock, it's that Sandra Bullock Ryan Reynolds flick. Oh if either of them were a janitor. Oh, speaking of Sandra Bullock, it's that Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds flick. Oh, I like that. The proposal. Yeah, the engagement. Yeah, the rule. I've never seen it. Rules of engagement? Yeah. Do movies like

that still get made? I think so. Like movies where people are leaning on each other on the cover? Just two superstars leaning on each other? Yeah, who can't quite stand upright. I feel like there's not as much leaning on. You can kind of tell that they took the pictures apart and then photoshopped them together. I feel like what they got replaced with is those

like Christmas Day and Valentine's Day. Yeah. It's always like a holiday. Yeah, now it's just like 40 A-list celebrities. How did you guys all made like a pact to make a bad movie for a shitload of money? Yeah, so they paid us a lot of money. We could have talked to Meryl Streep.

No, I don't think they ever met. They shot it like that the rest of the development season, where everybody just shot by themselves in a room for a week and got $2.5 million, which I can't wait for Game Night, which is supposedly an amazing comedy that's coming out with a bunch of A-list comedies stars. I saw a preview for that. Is it supposed to be good?

No, no, no. Oh, okay. I don't know. I can't tell what's an ad and what's not. It looked like a joke when I saw the trailer for it. Yeah. It's one of those comedies that comes out in late February, you know what I mean? Yeah, one of those pieces.

We really got to release something on February 26th. Anyway, I think this person doesn't have to disclose anything to HR, but tell your friends. It seems like her plan is pretty airtight, which is to just run it by a friend and be like, what would you say if me and Dan were doing it? Don't run it by anybody that could conceivably have a crush on you because she's the only girl

in the department yeah so imagine she like she talks about it to somebody who's secretly been in love with her oh boy

that's an awful idea yeah or he rats them out yeah you don't want that what if you just what if she just started like an office gossip

email chain ooh and then got someone else to leak the gossip you're definitely you're into this like fucking media there's like deep state i just think why do anything directly when you could like do it really really really yeah like you don't order lunch on postmates what you do is hire a homeless person to call a chipotle what em Emily does is she floats a rumor that she's interested in lunch.

We used to do the showing up to the holiday party as somebody's date. Do you remember? That's how Caldwell and Suze announced themselves. They walked into the holiday party holding hands

They debuted Everybody was just drunk and like yeah How did you and Jillian debut? You leaked that sex tape on Twitter Yeah we had it That was a periscope It was so sad because it's like limited to two minutes on Twitter So it was really just you begging her to hook up with you

And we never got to see the sex. Yeah, and Jillian was off screen. Mostly bank tape. I don't know if we did tape you. I can't remember. It might have been a similar thing to what this person is talking about. Like, just one person. One person finds out, then everybody finds out.

Right, our work situation was so casual that it was just like, yeah, everyone knows you're dating. We all hang out all the time. Yeah, everyone knows you're dating. You know. We all hang out all the time and we saw you two make out last night. Also, you're fired. You didn't disclose it

to HR. The pervert in HR needed to know. All right. You want to get to another question? Yeah. This one is from

a dude. Murph, do you have a name for a dude? A dude. A dude is his name? A dude. Oh, Larry Game of Thrones. A dude. Yeah. A a name for a dude? A dude. A dude is his name? A dude. Oh, Larry Game of Thrones.

A dude. Yeah. A dude star. A dude has no name. That's his last name. I'm in a fairly odd situation, and I couldn't think of a better person to ask than you two because of the subject matter. He's talking about me and Murph, right?

Murph and I. Sure. The subject matter, dot, dot, dot, is gay. Literally. Literally. mean yeah the subject matter dot dot dot is gay literally this new year's eve a guy i knew back from high school who recently who i had recently rematted a party offered me 250 us dollars cash to give me a world-class blow jay i initially declined simply because i was 45 minutes away drunk and with my girlfriend of the time he upped his to $500 and said that this was a one-time deal.

I said no and decided to fuck my then-girlfriend that night. Well, three days ago, surprise, she dumped me. We were both too busy and a long-term thing wasn't working. My question is, should I try to cash in on this guy and sell myself, even though he said it was a one-time offer? I'm afraid to ask him again and have him be embarrassed because he was uber drunk when he asked. I'm not really attracted to him

but I could probably get it up with porn and a warm, moist oral cavity. What would you do? P.S. I'm bisexual, so I'm not a stranger to hooking up with guys. Shout out to Jake. How are you, brother? Fine, thanks. Jake,

should he bore himself out? I think he should just do it for free like get the blowjob for free i think he's just like if he's curious i think he shouldn't like reach out to him and be like hey is that 500 offer still on the table i think he should just be like hey i broke up with my girlfriend could go for that blowjay now but then once you get it for free it's hard to start charging for it. Yeah, I don't think you should charge for it. Unless your dick is like a trash. Okay. Here's, first of all, I have one opinion, which is that I think

if you are offering someone $500 to let them blow them. Yeah, let, right. I'm giving you $500 and I get to blow you. Right. Then you don't have a world-class blowjob skill. Oh.

So you're saying if this guy was good, he could probably give that for free. Or maybe he's paying like an entrance fee. He knows if I pay you $500 just one time to blow you, I'm going to blow your mind. I'm only going to be doing like $20 next time, man. It's like crack cocaine. They gave it away for free in the 80s so that people get hooked. Right. So yeah, it's super crack because you're like, I for free in the 80s so that people get hooked. Right. So, yeah, it's super crack because you're like, I'm going to give this away to you and give you $500.

Yeah. And if you don't like it, more money to you or something. That's good. You get your cash back. But he already has the cash. Of course. Anyway, I like the text, broke up with my girlfriend. Hey, broke up with my girlfriend.

But I think you should get the cash. Really? Oh, yeah. If he offers the cash. Actual prostitution. Actual prostitution. If he offers the cash. I'm just saying, like, by being, like, broke up with my girlfriend, you're letting him offer again rather than being, like, do you still want to pay me $500?

I don't think this was actually a one-time offer, but I do think that it goes back down to 250 if you're like hey how about the blow job that you say yeah this is a supply and demand thing cash also the offer goes down if you're sober i bet i think you gotta sidestep it oh maybe wait maybe wait for another notoriously drunken day like maybe wait for saint patrick's day then that's coming up that's that's like march 17th then you send the text on a's coming up. That's like March 17th. That's June. Then you send the text on a day that he might be drunk. Yeah. So that you could try and

get that deal again. Yeah. Or you just like wait till like a drunk time, like 1.45 a.m., send him a Venmo request for $500. Request.

If he accepts, then you show up. With a little moist symbol. What were you saying? The sidestep? I think you, so that it's not actual prostitution, you send the-

Oh, you're so straight-laced. Oh, excuse you. Oh, you're against prostitution all of a sudden? You send the text that says, just broke up with my girlfriend and then you say,

I've really wanted to go do and then some expensive activity. Like a hockey fan or something. You want to go do some expensive activity. Like a hockey fan or something, you want to go get those $500 tickets or something. Can I blow you on the ice? So you go, you get them to take you out on an expensive date, and then you get blown after the date.

Oh my god. I think that's less honorable. I think that's less honorable. It's more honorable on a technicality. Please. This is not illegal, your honor. I just paid for the food. I happened to get a blow job.

I also bet this guy, actually, I disagree with Jake. I bet he sucks a mean dick. You think? Because it's like, I think that it's something that he loves to do, clearly. So he's going to be passionate about it. Yeah, if you want to suck a dick that bad, how could you not be good at it? That's literally the only thing that you need to suck a mean dick. I totally acquiesce.

Someone paid you $500 to suck your dick. They want to suck your dick so bad. And would do it with such fervor. Oh, man. Just like cock worship. Yeah. My God. But what if then you just explode so early?

It's like, I paid you 500 bucks and you lasted eight seconds. That is true. I think that a dude, you have an obligation to try and last as long as you can. Yeah, you gotta let him milk it, right? Well, it sounds like this guy will probably have a decent amount of time because he said he thought he could get it up if he watched porn. So how bi is he if he's like,

oh, he's just not attracted to the guy. He's just not attracted to this guy. Yeah, you think all bi people are attracted to all guys? That's obviously not what I said. That's so disgusting. Don't trigger me. It would be kind of awesome, though, if instead of being like, hey, is that $500 offer still up? If he made it like a game, if he's like, do you still want to blow me?

Because we could see how long I could last. And then you can pay me according to that. A dollar for every minute. Yeah. And then you get completely trashed. It's like win Ben Stein's blowjob. So you're actually going up against a few other guys. And whoever lasts the longest gets the cash. That's like a thing in porn, the blowjob contest.

Oh, really? Yeah. So it's like whoever makes somebody finish first. That wins. Yeah, that porn star wins. And is it the same guy or are you using different guys? That's a fun little healthy competition. That's very sweet.

Are you using different guys? Because then it's sort of cheating competition? That's very sweet. Are you using different guys? Because then it's sort of cheating. Yeah, yeah. It would be like a row of guys and a row of people. Oh, I see. So it's like a pie eating contest. Yeah, because it is kind of like everyone's different. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. I think it's like a roll of the dice too. Like, you know, the guy might be nervous. It's more on the guy. Unless they all bring in their own guy and they know. They're like, oh, this guy. Quick squirt. Yeah.

You can squirt real fast from a bad blowjob. You've always said that. You know, that's an old Murphy saying. You're wearing a trucker hat with that. That was the first thing he said to my dad. When he met him. I just want to say, Mr. Axford, that I can squirt from a bad beach. Sir.

Sir. And I like your daughter's hand. And then I threw up on his shoes. Oh, God. Just a gallon of milk all over his floor. I'm not even drunk. I've just been doing the gallon challenge. So you did the gallon challenge, met Emily's dad, told him you could come from a bad blood

drop, and puked dairy all over his new... I thought I would impress him by all the milk I could drink. My dad sent me to Canada and tried to set me up with another guy. That makes sense. Did we even answer this guy's question? Oh, yeah. What would you do? What would you do if you were the guy?

Real quick. What would you do? I would wait for a drunken time, then text him and just say, broke up with my girlfriend. Text him, get the other guy to take him out on an expensive date, and get blown. I can't believe you're trying to do this. I'd be like, dude,

WrestleMania's in New Orleans this year, man. What do you think? Me and you going? Go to WrestleMania with this guy. Have a great time together. So weird sitting through WrestleMania. Knowing you're going to get blown after? No, no, no. Even weirder.

Even weirder for the guy who's just sitting there being like, I wish WrestleMania was over so I could suck this guy's dick already. That's on him, though, man. He didn't have to take me to WrestleMania. I feel like he'd get caught up in it you know i love this advice because it truly is exactly what murph would do getting paid in getting head basically and i would not do it

because i think prostitution's wrong all right uh let's take a break uh i'll come back with these three just heathen monsters right after these words. And we're back. You wrote a book? Question mark? Yes, sir. What is it and when is it? It's a really great title. Get ready for this. Not another book podcast. It's called

Hey You Up for a Serious Relationship. How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact. Really long title. Wow. It's actually longer than the rest of the book. I guess some of it's a subtitle. I don't know which part of it's a subtitle, but some of it is.

There's like parentheses and colons. It starts in the middle of a word. Yeah. Yeah, right. Emergency Contact, that's the subtitle. That's it. But yeah, it's out on Amazon and stuff. It's a satirical relationship advice book that takes you through all the stages of a relationship from hooking up to getting married.

Wow. Goddamn marriage. Is that how you started? Did we start hooking up? Or did you guys start married? A booty call into an emergency contact? We were married and then we... Actually, I did use you as an emergency uh contact pretty

like way too quickly and yeah we did we just had a one night stand that turned into a forever night stand where we just hooked up and then never left just and i was like the ultimate leech just hanging out i actually just realized you guys did almost start out engaged because you guys got engaged in the Jake and Amir web series. Before you. Yeah, that's true. Wow. So you started out betrothed. Then hooked up.

Hooked up. Wow. So we're all over the place. Then moved in together. And this book is already out? When did you guys write it? How did you write it and do the TV show at the same time? Oh, boy.

With very little sleep. We had one day where we worked same time. Oh, boy. With very little sleep. We had one day where we worked 25 hours. Oh, my God. We literally, to get a script in that day, I woke up at 5 a.m. so that I could get it in at noon. And then to get the manuscript for the book in on time, we had to both stay up all night until like 6 in the morning and finish it. So I did like a full 25 hour day. It was old school, pulling an all-nighter. Yeah, when was the last time you had to do that?

For the sake of comedy. Probably the college humor all night. Yeah, and that, you know, you make the best comedy when you're working for 25 hours. I noticed one of these chapters is just called So Tired, Please Kill Me. Yeah, it's all... Can't believe I made that in.

Sweet, sweet sleep that you do after you're married too like um we talk about like the wedding accounts we have a a chapter on uh engagement and on wedding planning really yeah but it's all it's all like it's not fake advice it's all like kind of true but it's all no there's some that's straight up satire yeah it's just like satire right we have we have one essay that's um how to how to make your family the christmas family by turning your significant other against their own parents oh that's funny and so like the advice would work if you're a sociopath so just nobody listened to any of the advice in the book. You could also just say marry a Jew.

Just like on this podcast. Right. Yeah, if you marry a Jew, then your family's by default the Christmas family. But then you'd have to go to both families over the holidays. This is kind of a way to just make your family the primary family. Oh, yeah, you do have a chapter called No Hanukkah, Please. Yeah. Which makes sense.

Extremely controversial. When did it come out? It comes out February 14th. February 13th. Valentine's Day. It comes out the day before Valentine's Day. The day before Valentine's Day. You romantic.

But it will still be out on Valentine's Day. But yeah, it's on Amazon. It's at like Barnes & Noble. Oh, Snapdragon. Regular bookstores and such. So by the time you listen to this, it's probably out Barnes & Noble, regular bookstores and such. So by the time you listen to this, it's probably out. Oh, yeah.

Heck yeah. And then you also, also started a podcast with one Jake Hurwitz. With her boy Jake here. It's called Not Another D&D Podcast. That's also online right now. It is online right now. Yep. It is very fun.

The first day that we recorded it, we were telling you the story, Amir, but we were recording at the HeadGum office and Jake did not reserve it. And we got kicked out. The co-founder of the company got kicked out of his office because he didn't reserve the room. It was a real interesting peek behind the curtain of how little people respect you. Of course. didn't reserve the room. It was like, it was a real interesting peek behind the curtain about, of how little people respect you.

Of course. Of like, how little cloud your name has. Jake was like, can we please have it for another time? Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I technically paid the rent. And then I was, yeah, Marissa,

our producer, pushed me. She emptied your backpack full of snacks that you were stealing from your own company. You guys came downstairs and it was being held by my ankles upside down.

LaCroix just following out of your jeans. Don't touch the refrigerator on Monday either, Herbitch. Very good, very good. We're all having fun. We're just joking, man. Herbitch really stinks because my father called me that growing up. Oh, boy.

Which is weird because that's his last name. I know. Well, where do you think he learned it? He was probably her bitch at one point. He was. We were all somebody else's bitch at some point. Yeah. So it's a D&D campaign?

Yeah, it's a D&D campaign. The idea is that they're adventuring in a world that's already been saved. So they're kind of like the... You guys are kind of... It's like the fallout from an epic band of adventurers, but now the world is getting shitty again. Got it. But all in a unique way due to the world being saved.

Yeah. So I think the idea almost started on our podcast when Murph was on it talking about how much he loves D&D and then Jake's like, I can get into that. I like fantasy shit. And then a couple weeks later. Murph makes sense of me like multiple times. Like it's everything that you like.

It's like epic fantasy shit and doing bits. Yeah. And you can just be like his character is Aragorn essentially. He's, you know what, he described himself as six foot six of muscle and beard. That's right. You just get to be what you want to be.

He's the bastard of the mountain. Yeah. He was raised by dwarves in a dwarfenage. A dwarfenage. A human raised by dwarves, left at the foot of the mountain, pride of the mountain, pride of Iron Deep.

That's the mountain range that Murph named. It's really, like, it's so badass. I love looking at even the maps of Westeros, you know? The maps of Middle-earth. Murph drew a fucking map that has the names of

forests, the names of mountains, the ocean, the world has its own name. And then you get to just explore it. Bahoomia. Which I keep saying in the voice of an orc shaman. Bahoomia. Bahoomia. At the risk of giving a little spoiler,

Jake's character does start a bar fight by refusing to buy this group of barbarian dudes a drink. Because he was too proud i was too proud that's the fucking i think that's my favorite thing about dnd is that like they're murph has like the the dungeon master like knows the world you know the you know what would happen everywhere but like there's no there are no rules right there's just i think you said it. There are no rules, but there are consequences. That's correct. Ooh, that's beautiful.

I don't remember you saying that, but that's good. The Dungeon Master is Daddy, you know? Right. Daddy Master. Well, he's Daddy Mommy. Daddy Mommy. So I'm like, can I smash a beer glass over this guy's head? And Murph is like, you can.

We're going to find out if butt like, but shit's going to happen. Yeah. So we'll find out what happens if you want to do that. And the first episode's online now, right? Yeah. Depends on when this comes out. There might be two episodes out.

I don't know. Well, episode zero's out and the first episode is also out. Second episode might be out. Not another D&D podcast. Not another D&D podcast. Sold wherever podcasts are sold. Or you can just go to headgum.com

because I really hope it's on there. Otherwise, Jake has to hire someone. I'm actually doing it with Earwolf. That actually makes a lot of sense because they have two studios. Yes, you'll never get kicked out of the building. They don't bully me there. Cool.

Anything else that you're working on? Those are the big two. Those are the big two. That TV show's on the air. You can also find Those are the big two. That TV show's on there. Oh yeah, TV show. You can also find the TV show on Amazon. Yeah, it's on Amazon now.

It's not streaming for free. That's the web series. The web series is also on Amazon for some reason. Who knows? How do these decisions get made? But the TV show

is also on there that you can pay for. Oh, the TV show came from the web series. Kind of. Question mark? You guys are in the Hot Date web series. Kind of. Question mark? You guys were in the Hot Date web series? Yeah.

Yeah. But weirdly, we sold the show as like a pilot that we were writing, and then we wanted to perform and do stuff in the meantime, because it takes forever to anything to get developed, and we did the web series while we were writing the show. Yes. I see. Yeah. You guys should take a vacation.

I agree. I'm thinking Prague. Oh. Prague, cool. I've already been there, but it's so cool. But can you guys record from agree. I'm thinking Prague. Oh. Prague, cool. I've already been there, but it's so cool. But can you guys record from there? I'm worried that the D&D podcast would take it. I know, it's tough.

The D&D podcast would suffer. I'll come. I'll be there. I need to sit and read fucking guides all day. Oh, I love that shit. Fucking guides. Fucking guides, man. Got like seven big ass books I gotta refer to all the time.

Yeah, you have to like, that's the, I won't talk too much about D&D, but like knowing like what spells do and shit. Wait, it's like a master library where everyone has to do the same spells? Well, no, there's, you've got like a monster manual that has all the fucking monsters in it. So if these guys like run into the swamp or something, they might fight a frog man. But if they punch the bartender in the face, then I have to be like, okay, what kind of creature is this bartender? They're a half-orc. Maybe they're a barbarian.

So now I have to go look and find like a berserker type character, something in the monster manual. And to make that all fast, I kind of have to already know that. I have to be like, okay, I know where to find berserker. Yeah, so you have to study.

Do you think that you've like emptied your brain of other information I think I am for sure a bigger idiot what hobbies and passions have fallen by the wayside

as you cram more fantasy information exercise exercise has gone away jujitsu has gone away yeah who has time

to actually fight when you have to learn how monsters interact monsters why would I need to defend myself or my family when I could put gnomes in front of me? What are you guys going to do? Because Hard One Surefoot has a fucking greataxe. A two-handed greataxe that he wields left-handed.

You're Hard One Surefoot? Hard One Surefoot. Hard One? Hard One Surefoot is my character's name. And what's yours, Emily? Moonshine Siben. Yeah One, Surefoot is my character's name. And what's yours, Emily? Moonshine Siben. Yeah, that's right.

A crick elf. I'm a crick elf covered in mushrooms. You really learn what people want to be. Yeah, for sure. Jake has two bad feet, and his last name in this fantasy world is Surefoot. That's right. So in this fantasy world, my feet are fine, and I don't know. What else can I have?

I describe my character as thick of calf and quad. Yeah, that was very important to you when we were talking about our characters. You wanted those big, meaty legs. I wanted to have jacked-ass legs. And I couldn't help but the entire time look at your legs while you were talking about how meaty those legs would be. You should make Jake break his leg in the next episode. That would be so sad. You slip and punch and crack your leg open. Murph can't make me break his leg in the next episode. I would be so sad. You slip and punch and crack your leg open. Murph can't make me break my leg.

He can only make me roll the dice to see if I fall or not. Fate is up to my leg breaking. Spoiler alert, he gets wrapped up by a big snake at one point and rolled a one trying to escape from it. So I just explained that he like stressed real hard against it and just like let out a little fart and a tiny little moan like, ah. So there are moments like that. I was supposed to be like a great climber,

and there was a time where I was like trying to climb a wall, and I also rolled a one. Yeah, you rolled a two, I think, and you just fell into the puddle. And before I rolled, I said, watch this. Every time you say watch this, you roll a one or a two, I think, and you just fell into the puddle. And before I rolled, I said, watch this. Every time you say watch this, you roll a one or a two and fall down. But Hardwood is the kind of guy that says watch this before he does everything. When we were teaching Jake how to play the game, I just set up this scenario where there were these bandits in this bar that they had to fight.

And first thing Jake did was come in and try to cleave the table with his axe and he rolled terribly and just got his axe stuck in a table. That was his first move. You're a lumberjack. You can swing the axe at the guys. It was like, no, I wanted to do a... And then I think you had to spend the next turn

getting the axe out of the table. And you also rolled a one and you cut yourself pretty badly. I think if we didn't have that practice session, you would have just died in session one. That makes sense. I did get knocked out in session one. Yeah. You're like a lumberjack laughingstock. So you're jacked, walk around

saying, watch this and fail. I also decapitate a snake, so let's just fucking... Oh yeah, there's a decent amount of decapitation. Guys, guys, spoiler, spoiler. The show's so good. Go subscribe to it. Subscribe and listen. Can you guys have guests on that show? Yeah, we're going. The show's so good. Go subscribe to it. Subscribe and listen. And can you guys have guests on that show? Yeah, we're going.

Can people come in for just like a little bit? Yeah, our kind of plan is to. Well, I might be interested. But Gabrus, I think, would be a great one too. Yeah, we got to get you on there. We got to get Gabrus on there. Our plan is to kind of have different story arcs and then to bring in people as different characters.

So if we show up in this town. We want to get Adam Conover to come on as one. You know. That's cool. Maybe Adam Conover's a gnome that lives in some town that needs help

and then he joins the party for a little bit. Great. I love it. All right. Let's get to one more question before we have to go. Let's do it.

Never mind. We all want to leave. Guy's name. Guy's name Emily. What's a guy's name? Ooh. Chip Fontaine. That's cool. That's name, Emily. What's a guy's name? Ooh, Chip Fontaine. That's cool. Is that a real name already?

It's like a nice porn name, I think. Yeah. Chip Fontaine. Chip Fontaine. I'm a 25-year-old male grad student in Toronto, and I'm in need of some advice. So I've been in a relationship for over a year with an amazing lady.

Oh, relationship of the year with an amazing lady, and I'm really happy. And this is the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. This is how all the questions start. It's a perfect relationship. Everything's perfect. She's great, and I'm good. And I'm thinking about breaking up with her. Sincerely yours, Chip Fontaine.

But here's the rub, Chip writes. About a week ago, I had a really intense and vivid sex dream about a friend of mine who I go to school with. I've known her since undergrad and we're really close, but we've never found her attractive until this dream. All week, I had to see her and I've been lusting after her like crazy. I would never want to date her, but

I want to have sex with her so badly I can't even look her in the eyes. She's always been open about the fact that she finds me attractive and wants to sleep with me. Out of line, by the way, right? Yeah. That's what he wrote. Yeah, she's the bad guy.

Yeah. Which obviously has added to the problem. I also really don't get it because my girlfriend and I have amazing sex. Like, literally the best I've ever had and frequently. Have you ever had this happen? What did you do? What should I do? Help.

Love you too. Big fan since middle school. Wow. Uh, total. I love, uh, chip Fontaine.

That's a powerful sex dream. I was like hearing this kind of being like, yeah, sex dreams are just like your, your mind's just churning shit up. It's just smashing two things together. Yeah. It doesn't have to be your fantasy,

right? Cause you can also have nightmares. Yeah. I once had a wet dream where I had my dick in a fence. Yeah. And that got me off. Yeah, I've prematurely ejaculated in dreams. They're not sexy.

I've never had a sex dream where I was just like, that was awesome. Yeah, that was perfect. It wasn't a sex lucid dream. With a random person that you're like, well, okay. Yeah. Why? And I think that's like usually why it's good to just like leave it there in the dream. Right.

Yeah. I don't think you cheating on your girlfriend with somebody you aren't actually attracted to is going to be the hottest sex ever. Like your dream was probably better. Oh, that is a good point. Do you tell anybody? Do you tell your girlfriend? Do you tell this woman? do you tell anybody do you tell your girlfriend do you tell this woman do you tell do anything about it personally i would break up with the girlfriend and try to fuck the friend because i've also been here even though i don't think that you're gonna

have better sex than you did in the dream i think i've been here where i like had a sex dream about somebody and like had to see it through yeah and like if you're gonna sacrifice a relationship that's a small price to pay because you're's eventually going to break up anyway, and now you get to have sex with somebody different. The seeds of doubt are sown here. I will say that's probably true. I would say it. The seeds of doubt are sown. I don't think that you're necessarily, like, if you're suddenly desperately lusting after someone else, like.

It's a bad sign. Bad sign. Yeah. It's the beginning of the end. On a macro level. So you might as well just get rid of the girlfriend now, see the sex dream through, and then you're a single guy again. Yeah.

Which is fine because you're 25 and in Toronto. And then you can just start having sex dreams about anyone and then fucking them. Yeah. If you have that magical power. Yeah. That would be amazing. Is there a D&D but for porn? So you're just Leisure Suit Larry going around sucking and fucking? You can just fuck in D&D. There's a whole book. God, that'd be amazing. Is there a D&D but for porn? So like you're just like Leisure Suit Larry

going around sucking and fucking. You can just fuck in D&D. There's a whole book about fucking. Can you fuck in D&D? You can definitely fuck. Yeah. Cool. I like it even more now. Next round, Hardwood's going back to the bar.

Oh, you rolled a one and you were raped in the ass by a gnome. Yeah. Hardwood can't get it up. A little hell there. Oh, you rolled a one and you were raped in the ass by a gnome. Jesus, man. Yeah. Hard one can't get it up. A little elf. Let me roll again. Hard one sure cock. Hard cock sure foot.

All right. Did this happen to you? You said yes. What did you do? Jake already answered what he would do. What should he do? Break up with your girlfriend and have sex with a friend? I kind of think, I mean, it's not so much about having sex with a friend

because I do think that's going to end up being disappointing. But I do think it's a bad sign if you're feverishly lusting after someone else. I think he needs to learn this lesson, probably. Like, as a 25-year-old, I think he needs to, it sounds like he's going to break up with his girlfriend anyway because if you're like lusting after not only just like people or the idea of having sex with other people a specific person that's really bad right if you yeah that's true so he's that you're right the seeds of doubt have already been sown so i think he needs to break up with her and then if he you know sleeps with his friend and that ends up not being as good, that's a learning experience.

And you'll know in the future not to just try to fuck everyone. We're advising him to do the wrong thing. Because he needs to make that mistake. But it is kind of true because like once you have enough sex, you realize that there's so much disappointing sex. And then it makes it less like oh i want i am attracted to this person so i want to sleep with them because you can kind of look at someone and be like that sex yeah like 95 chance that would be weird i can picture what that is yeah it's so important to realize you can do that yeah so what about how about this for bad

advice cheat on your girlfriend maybe you have sex with this girl and then it's like okay i got that out of my system and i can still be with this amazing woman no all right i think we all agree so four for four on that that way you have sex but you also have your amazing girlfriend right what's the downside there i roll a 38 what is that oh my god The highest you can get is a 20. Well, on the 20 side. Is there more than 20-sided die? There's a, yeah. Well, there's a 10-sided die that goes up to 100, technically. Wow.

Because you roll it twice? No, yeah, you roll the 10-sided die, and then you roll a 100-sided die. And it's not a 100-sided die. It's just a 10, 20, 30 60 70 80 90 100 and then you roll another 10 sided die oh i see that's like a one through 10 one cool anyway this is really interesting i love it i want to get my i want to get my i want to buy my own dice you got it i want to buy my own dice and i want to buy i want to buy that fucking uh little figurine you haven't

got it yet he's so good you designed him perfectly i did don't tell anybody else okay but your beard is so dope he's like a human but he's got like a dwarven beard how do you how have you seen this beard how have you seen it oh because he designed a character and then screenshotted it and sent it to our text thread. Jake just winced and curled up. You designed a character? I also like a fucking party in New York City. I went to Burning Man, man. Wait, did you go to Burning Man?

Yeah, I did go to Burning Man. When was it? Was it before or after you designed your fantasy character? It was before I designed my fantasy dwarven character. And then when you made this fairy, you sent it to...

What was the... Like, leagueofheroes.com or something? It's probably Hero Forge. Oh, yeah, Hero Forge. That's where I did it. You can, like... Sort of like creating an avatar, like any video game thing. You can, like...

Or you're Bitmoji, if you will. People who are listening to this podcast are wondering whether or not they should accept money to get blown. And meanwhile, we're turning Jake into a huge fucking dork. D&D is like, before this, it was MMA was the thing that I would ruin party conversations with. Or I'd be like, you guys got to get into UFC. And people would just shut down while I just talked to them about UFC. Now it's D&D that I used to ruin. D&D's got a higher success rate than MMA though

D&D most people are like oh yeah I would try that that's how this whole thing started because I got fucking

drunk at a holiday party with it was like close enough that after our podcast where we talked about it I basically had three

buzzed conversations in a row about D&D and I was like fuck it I'm in I'm in man you know what I noticed we forgot we didn't do any unsolicited advice this episode We basically had three buzzed conversations in a row about D&D. I was like, fuck it, I'm in. I'm in, man. You know what I noticed? We forgot.

We didn't do any unsolicited advice this episode. I think we basically turned it into a pitch for playing D&D. Oh, yeah. I guess that's good unsolicited advice. Unless you have specific unsolicited advice. Just advice that you have that you're hanging on to that no one's necessarily asked for. Pickle your own turnips. All right. So the D&D's last.

D&D it is, then? Pickle your own turnips. All right, so the D&D's last. D&D it is, then? Pickle your own turnips. This has been If I Were You. Pickle your own turnips. Stop buying pickled turnips at the store. And you make them from what, radishes? Or is it the other way around? Turnips!

I don't know what that is. Turnips and one beet, just for the color. So you get some pink pickled turnips, throw it on anything. To ruin it. You could ruin desserts, sandwiches, snacks. Nobody wants a turnip. You're going to make your landlord. I don't even know what a turnip looks like.

I assumed it was a radish. They look like radishes. Do you cut them? Do you chop? Yeah, you chop them into like little, I don't know, fronds. I don't know what that word means. Like a circle? No, like a little stick.

Oh, okay. Almost like a shoestring fry, but you cut them up to look like a little shoestring fry. And then you pickle them after that? Then you pickle them. And then you put them on a sandwich? And then you put them on, I've been putting them on turkey burgers, beet burgers. Beet burgers with turnips. We were talking about a fantasy character for five minutes, and yet this is the most embarrassing thing said on the podcast.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the beet burners are delicious. I'm telling you, people are going to be like, all right, fine, Emily, I'll try it. I'll pickle my own turnips. And then they're going to be like, I don't know how I lived without pickled turnips. These are so much better than the dry turnips I've been eating on my beet burgers. Have you had a beet burger with pickled turnips? I haven't.

I haven't. I've been eating a microwaved Lean Cuisine lunch. Well, Emily and I are like the only couple that don't really eat meals together because our diets are so different. I eat like an absolute idiot. When we were recording the show, we were in Chicago, and we were riding around the corner from a 7-Eleven, and I just ate 7-Eleven every fucking night for dinner. What's dinner at 7-Eleven every fucking night for dinner. What's dinner at 7-Eleven? 7-Eleven pizza, 7-Eleven chicken wings, just eating chips for dinner.

I was basically, I ate like a heroin addict. The hot dogs and the taquitos that turn all day in that thing? Yeah, man. I think in Chicago, honestly, I think it's probably better. Than some other food? Sure. Well, then somewhere else where the stuff the inventory just stays for a longer time

the hot dogs turn and turn and turn for a week and then they throw them away 7-Eleven it feels like those chicken taquitos are getting bought every single day in Chicago true we were in the business district and everything shut down around us so my only choice for a late

night meal was 7-Eleven. Damn. And meanwhile, Emily was pickling turnips. And Emily was pickling turnips. No, I didn't have the time to do that in Chicago. I wish. I was eating them raw, son. Your hotel room is just a full corner of jars.

There's a taquito in one. Don't go in the bathtub. I'm pickling beets. Oh, wow. Bathtub beets. That's your DJ name. All right. Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, man. Thanks for having us. Thank you for having us. You've done the show separate. Now this is your first time together. Yes. Awesome. Do you want a kiss?

Yeah. All right. He's talking to a mirror. is your first time together. Yes. Awesome. Do you want a kiss? Yes. All right. He's talking to a mirror. Whoa, three-way. Awesome. Opening theme song was that Love Yourself cover by Dylan. I think his name was Dylan. It was Dylan.

Barstow. Wow. Dylan Barstow, right? Yes, that's correct. Wow. Great memory. Well, you know, it stood out. It was a good cover.

And a good name. And this closing one is written by Lahiru it's a yes dude parody sorry a hey Jude parody titled yes dude so you know

it's gonna be good damn shout out to his Twitter it's Lahiru and shout out to you guys don't forget to buy the book for writing a book

and starting a podcast in the dead of winter when nobody else wants to work Murph and Emily still churn out the shit the content appreciate it I love creating content For writing a book and starting a podcast in the dead of winter when nobody else wants to work. Murph and Emily still churn out the shit, the content. I love creating content. Yeah.

What do you think the next content you're going to write is? I guess it's a movie, right? You've got a TV show, a book, a podcast. Actually, I'm working on an album. Oh, music. Bathtub Beats? Bathtub Beats. Oh, I could do it under Bathtub Beats.

It was going to be the first album I did under my own name. Okay. Can I recommend the title Turn Up for what? Yes, you can recommend it. Yeah, you can recommend it. You don't have to use it. But at the same time, I'd be really disappointed if you didn't. Alright, we'll be back next week. And I could call it Pickled Tink. That's right. Pickled Tink.

Pickled Tink. That's good. I should say that the email address for theme songs and questions is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week, and we're coming to Canada and Austin soon. Oh, my God. Come see us live. Tickets at ifireyoushow.com. All right, bye. Yes, dude, if I were you, I would listen to this podcast.

These two Jews will help you seize the cheese. They'll answer your cues and make fun of you too. too yes dude jake and amir they'll give you advice name you crowned s the show is about to begin so listen in to if i were you you That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today.

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