Segments - 315: Wedding Planner

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

In this episode we discuss weird wine, plus ones, and hot professors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only Yeah, if I were you Hosted by Jake and Amir 10 shows, 50 shows, 100 shows Fuck it man, let's just not even discuss it man

OMG, got a problem. I ain't tripping. I'ma send an email. I ain't tripping. I'ma let them speak. I can tell you how it started. I can tell you about the show starting as a joke first. I can tell you that they never cursed.

Try to tell a parent that, of course, it's just a lie. Don't listen to the show. What you think? I was playing episodes since I was 18. I make songs for them. Ain't never clean. All right. Sometimes they seem to be.

But fuck it now. This is not. 10 shows. 50 shows. 100 shows. Fuck it, man. Let's just not even discuss it, man. OMG.

Got a problem. I ain't tripping. I'ma send an email. I ain't tripping. I'ma let them speak. Whoa. Yeah. The reason it sounded like Drake is because it was a Drake parody.

It was not. That was not Drake. It was somebody named Aubrey Graham. That's Drake. Are you freaking kidding me? Yeah, dude. That is Drake. Hey.

Okay. I'm just reading the email now. Oh, my God. Aubrey. Oh, my God. AKA Drake. name's Aubrey, aka Drake. He likes our show. Long time fan. A long time.

I did a parody of my song. It's called, it's a 10 bands. It's about how you make girls dance for cash. Oh my god. And he wants me to know. Did Drake sign it, seize the cheese? He said, seize the cheese, love Aubrey aka Drake. Drizzy. Does he know Game Boy?

Oh, you know what? Just rereading it. It's actually by Justin Goncalves. Still cool. Yeah, Justin. Still good. What do you think of the name Gustin for Justin Goncalves? Isn't it Goncalves? I don't remember. That's why I wanted to just combine it into one.

Easy to pronounce. Guston. Then it's like he's... It's kind of a cool name because a gust of wind is like a cool amount because it blows shit over. Gust of wind is the coolest amount of wind? Yeah. Other than gale. What about squall? What?

What about a remolina? Which is a small tornado. What's it called? A remolina. It's obviously not the coolest kind of wind. I think it's most beautiful. But he wants us to shout out his new YouTube channel called Mario World Vlogs. So thanks to Justin.

And sure, check out his YouTube channel, Mario World Vlogs. Why not? I just go there and it's anti-Semitic snuff films and I'm endorsing it. And fluff pieces in between. And fluff pieces about, I don't know, Nazism or something. You guys rock, says Justin. Hey, you rock,

Justin. I think the hardest part about rapping would be to like be, to have such bravado. I would feel like kind of, I don't know. I'm more, I'm more self deprecating. I couldn't like rap about being the coolest guy in the room.

That's why Kendrick says be humble. Yeah. But then it's like in the same thing, he's like, Obama's paging me. So like, he's not being humble. He's,

he's urging you to be humble. And you should. Who's the most humble rap star? I guess Lil Dicky. He raps about having a small dick. Or Meek Mill. Because he's weak. He's meek.

Yeah. You got a little Meek Mill. Yeah, we don't know a lot of Meek Mill songs, but I imagine they're like, yo, I'm afraid to come out of my room. Because I'm so weak and tired. I don't like loud noises. That's good. That's Meek Mill. I don't like loud noises. That's good. That's Meek Mill. I think we just started a beef.

He's going to fucking come after us now. He's going to beef with us. Drake did back to back and we did. I'm Meek Mill. I'm a meek little mill. Who did it better? Probably Drake. That's fair.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. Tickets still available to our live shows in Austin. I should say that right off the bat. And in Canada. Vancouver. Canada.

Winnipeg. And Calgary. That is not in the order that we're going in? No. I like to make it difficult to remember and hard to pronounce. Because you said the city we were starting in first. And then I took a weird long pause. Yeah, the city that we were ending in first,

then long pause between the city that we are starting in, right in the middle. Yep. And then the middle city last. And then Calgary. Yeah, I pronounced it incorrectly too, which is kind of fun. So you can go to ifireashow.com to see us live and do that stuff. But for now, we have questions to answer in an online version,

the kind where it's just me and you in a room. My favorite. Yeah, this is the good kind. We don't have to tailor to fucking guests. Like, oh, what are you up to? Oh, how's it going? You're drinking a coffee. I have a LaCroix.

And it's fine. I don't, yeah. Because it's 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning. That's right. And we're getting amped. And we're nude. To go for a jog. We are greasy, oiled.

It's still dark out. And we don't have to be friendly to anyone. We don't have to say, to anyone we don't have to say oh my god it's in so long what are you up to we could be nasty little boys the way that we are yeah i'm an i'm a nasty child tonight what i'm such a nasty child tonight what do you mean what are you gonna do um i'm just gonna be sort of like a a dickling devilish little impy boy. Oh, I don't want that. Yeah, I don't want you to do that either.

Yeah, well, I'm going to be hanging around you, causing a bit of a ruckus and a small scene. A remolina for the night, if you will. I don't. I won't. Here's a question about wedding etiquette that I thought you could have a level of expertise on with your wedding how perfect and all day long

and all evening long I get into vile arguments with my fiance and her family and my family about the wedding so why the one hour respite I have why wouldn't I want to talk about weddings you get into fights with your fiance and your family I don't want to talk about weddings? You get into fights with your fiancé and your family.

Let's just answer the question. I don't want to get into the personal shit. Will you be able to separate it? Because it sounds like you're just ready to vent or something. Will we get separated? No, that's not what I said. Is that what you... Dude, just ask the question.

You're turning this into this weird expose. Like I said something nasty about my fiance yeah i didn't i didn't try to say that but now i think that you did uh all right this is a guy's name what's your fiance's dad's name for example full name i'm not gonna give you his fucking full it jack martin and i really hate that you ask. Jack writes, what's up, man? Jack Martin's actually Marty's dad. Really? I thought Marty's... Marty's full name is Martin Martin. No, I thought was Marty his first name or his last name? I thought it was Michael Martin. Oh, so his first name is Michael and we call him Marty. Yeah. Got it. Michael Martin and his dad, Jack Martin.

Right. I have recently found myself in quite a precarious situation. My cousin is getting married in a few weeks, and he graciously gave every single one of my family members a plus one to the wedding. I am one of four boys, and three of them are all going to bring their girlfriend to the wedding. I, being the heterosexual without a girlfriend, decided I would use my plus one to bring my best friend in the whole world, Greg. However, when I told my dad about this, he said it was wrong and that I, quote,

shouldn't bring a plus one if I'm not romantically involved with them. What the fuck? It says plus one, dad, not plus one person that you're fucking. What should I do? Should i convince my dad that my cousin would be cool with me bringing every uh anyone or should i tell my dad that i'm gay and that my friend is actually my boyfriend any help would be greatly appreciated with love jack jack you asshole it's really fun to hear somebody that's so clearly wrong be like what the fuck i can't bring greg

is that a rule though it's not a rule but it's i mean it's an etiquette question yeah you get a plus one for a significant other oh but you can't bring a friend no it's not like weddings are as someone who's planning them they cost hundreds of dollars per person. So a plus one is like, and if you are also going to be marrying somebody soon, if you have a companion, I'm going to be nice enough to pay for their dinner as well. But it's not like,

oh, if Greg doesn't come, the plate gets, it's money you're asking this cousin to spend for your buddy. Yeah. But what's the difference if it's like a new girlfriend or my lifetime best friend, Greg? I think even if he's like you could have a plus one, like you could invite a date to a wedding. But it is – I think it is bad etiquette to bring a friend. So you can invite a first date to a wedding and that's less wrong than inviting your best friend.

Basically, the wedding has to help you get laid. Otherwise, the cash isn't worth it. Love is in the air. And it can't just be for you and Greg trolling on the bridesmaids. Well, I'm actually gay for Greg. All right. Then the next wedding we plan is for you and Greg.

Good then. Congratulations. This is the plot of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, right? Chuck just wanted to bring Larry to his cousin's wedding, and he had to convince his dad that he was gay for it. Would you ask to do that? No, I don't know. I guess I'd rather bring a first or second date as like a fun date story

than to bring my best friend greg but if i really wanted to bring my friend greg can you ask the cousin or the cousin have to politely say yes i guess that's the other that's the other part about etiquette um the cousin would probably you're putting it on somebody else yeah it's like just like, just ask. It's like, no, well, if I ask and the cousin will feel bad and he'll say yes. So it's almost like it's impolite to even ask. It's impolite to even consider. But if you have a plus one, they're counting on somebody. What does it matter if it's a girlfriend or a dude? I don't know. But it's not like plus one to a holiday party. I will give like Mike Carnell comes as my plus one to the IAC.

Or maybe it was the Jeff was his and mine was Dave. Whatever. But like I've done that. Friends and friends. Because it's a buffet style. The company's footing the bill. But if it is like a celebration of family and love and you just want to bring your best friend. You should be around your cousin, you know.

So let me ask you this. You invited people to your wedding, or you will invite people to your wedding. One of them breaks up with the girlfriend a month out. Let's say Jeff Rosenberg breaks up with his girlfriend a month away. Does he have a plus one? No, I get the money back.

So he says, she dumped me, man. She fucking dumped me. And then you're like, all right, don't invite anybody else. I'm going to get that money back. Or is it like too late? I already locked in. 200 people come to my wedding. Now I have to fill that seat with somebody else.

I mean, the seat, he no longer has a plus one. The seat is empty, but then I would invite another single person. Oh, interesting. So you've been like a last minute invite to a wedding before, haven't you? I know I have. Yeah. But is that last minute invite in lieu of a person bringing a plus one? I don't know. But I always assumed it was a single person dropping out. And if a lover dropped out, then that person got to, like, it's like you're giving two invitations to Jeff and now he has to fill that slot rather than you have to fill the slot. It would be a little different if Jeff broke up with somebody

because, like, he's at the, like, the groomsman table. So, like, it's not like if he didn't have a girlfriend anymore, then I would just like, basically another random person that would also sit at our table. It is like Jeff, that is Jeff's plus one. Are you getting money back day of cancellation? As long as it's before,

I think it's two weeks out. I give him the final list and that's what, and I pay for everybody that two weeks out. So before, if a breakup happens before two weeks out, then you can get that money back. Yeah. If, if somebody, if somebody reached out and they're like, Hey, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Um, but I'll try to find a plus one for your wedding. I would be like, uh, don't worry about that. You don't have a plus one. All right. So that's a good rule. So let's say this is over two weeks out. He can tell him that he doesn't need the plus one. He can get the money back. If it's under two weeks out, it's too late. I say you might as well bring Greg. I guess I still don't think that you should bring Greg because everybody that – I think most people will think that's weird.

That's true. But does that mean he shouldn't bring it? at this wedding and try to hit on people and enjoy yourself, then I think you might as well not bring Greg because you and Greg will be ostracized. You can hit on people. Like, oh, Greg, who do you know here? Yeah, I'm the cousin's plus one. I'm his boy. I'm his buddy.

You should leave, man. That salmon you're eating cost $185. I get that. No, I get that. But I will dance pretty well. So it'll make up for it in the long run. I guess as somebody that's planning a wedding, there's so much that goes into it. As I've gotten older, I've realized more and more how much thought and time and effort and detail has gone into a wedding. And I appreciate it. When I was little, I thought it was just like, oh, this is a big, crazy party. And like the more the merrier.

But there is seating arrangements. There's, you know, the works have gone into it. Do you feel like you're planning a celebration for yourself? It's half for me. Or I guess a quarter. It feels like it's... Do you feel self-conscious or like you're self-centered planning this thing for yourself? Or do you feel like, oh, no, I'm doing this for other people?

Oh, I guess I think that I'm... I don't feel self-conscious doing it. I feel like... Like you don't feel like a bratty little kid being like, and then there's going to be a banner that says Jake, and it has to be big and gold, and I'll pay for it. Those parts I don't, because that part is what I'm planning for Jill. And then the part, I feel stressed being like,

I hope this is good. I hope it's fun. I hope the DJ is I like we chose the DJ and we like tried really hard to choose a good one so if like

people get there and he's just he plays like but you tell them what to play don't you? you do but then they can go off the fucking rails

like don't worry I got this if you get there and he just and he starts playing the electric slide like everybody would just look at me and i'd be like i don't know i didn't put that on the playlist what if everyone's

fucking loving it though the adults are dancing i did but like that's the that's the pressure that i feel is that like some choice that i made that i thought was going to be cool everybody else will think is lame i wonder if it's hard to enjoy your own wedding because you're constantly thinking about that yeah i i imagine it's sort of the your own wedding because you're constantly thinking about that. Yeah. I imagine it's sort of the way I feel at a house party, which is too frenetic and caught up in seeing so many people. Yeah, you have to walk around and you don't get to eat. You can do that thing where you're at the table by yourself.

Yeah. Oh, no, the sweetheart table? Yeah. No, we're doing a last supper style table. Oh, that's good. A 12-top. That's good. It, we're doing like a Last Supper style table. Oh, that's good. A 12-top. That's good. It's always weird when they're just at their own table.

Yeah, I agree. So we're going to be at the center and then flanked by the bride and groom parties. And I, the Judas. Oh, that's right. Standing behind me with a knife in my back. Booing my brother's speech. Wanting to do a Jake and Amir skit in front of Jill's grandmother. And like the Last Supper, the entire meal will be Passover, a Passover Seder.

There will be a maror course or bitter herbs. And it will be the Last Supper that you were invited to. All right, here's a non-wedding related question. I hate to open up all these wounds for you. Yeah, I would do a wedding podcast. Oh, that's a non-wedding related question. I hate to open up all these wounds for you. Yeah, I would do a wedding podcast. Oh, that's a good one. And it would stop when you, you already started a second podcast.

You want to start a third? Yeah, actually, I guess I don't. Can't you just have hard one surefoot get married in your fucking make them up game? Hard one surefoot is forever a bachelor. And if you listen to my D&D podcast, you'd know that. Oh yeah yeah according to the reddit he's kind of bisexual right sure he was caught masturbating under a table and he got

kicked out of a uh what is it called a bar but like orphanage yeah i want to talk to you more about dnd because he did play for six hours the other night yeah oh that's true that is very true uh all right but we got to get to questions. So this is a 16-year-old Jew. We'll call him Aaron. That is very Jewish. Hi, I'm Aaron, a 16-year-old Jew, and my friend who is kind of odd

but is generally a homeboy brewed about five gallons or so of banana wine. That's right. Banana wine. All my friends and I thought it was hilarious and that it would be terrible, but we recently got to sample it and it's wacky good. Anyway, he isn't

interested in drinking, but he is happy to hook myself up and the boys. Hook up myself and the boys. This would be a perfect situation, except for one thing. His parents were totally fine with him making it, but I don't think he's even allowed to drink it, let alone distribute it to his friends. How can he discreetly hook us up with this delicious Nana drink

without his parents finding out he gave it to us? Because if they noticed some of it was gone and they asked him, he would definitely squeal as he is kind of a square, and his parents might even tell mine. How can we pull this off? Please let me know if you have any ideas what a weird question yeah i i don't really fully understand what the hell's going on i just thought it was funny that he made a banana wine a banana wine i would try banana

wine yeah i love bananas is i mean i have no idea what banana for all i know it's like barely alcoholic these kids are 12 It's also weird that the 16-year-old's parents are like, yeah, you can make wine, but don't drink it or give it to anyone. Yeah, I get... Make the wine and dump it away like a science experiment. If you were a parent and your kid was interested in fermentation, you would...

You can't be like, no. You can't do that. Yeah, because it's... I would say it's better than drugs, but he's basically making a drug. He's making alcohol. Right, but I think I would rather have my kid making the drugs than stealing them from our liquor cabinet. Yeah, but then he's going to give it to his friends. That's like the new rule of like,

you can party, but you have to do it at our house. Yeah. You can party, but you have to do it at our house, and you have to make your own banana wine as like a science experiment. You can do shrooms, but you have to grow them in your own closet. That's right. Because that's also not legal.

So how can you pull this off? I guess you drink a small amount of it and replace it with banana water. Oh. Or just have them make banana juice. Why does it have to be wine? I mean, can't you just make more? You just drink all of it and replace it with more home-brewed banana wine. What color do you imagine banana wine to be?

Yeller. Like white wine? Yeller. Yeah. So like the goldenness of a white wine? And a thick cream, like a corn chowder. I see. It's almost beige.

It's banana mead. Yeah. Which is actually what Hard One ate at the Dwarfenage, right? Oh, that's good. What's his name? Hardwin or some shit like that? Hardwon. Because everything he comes by, he had to win himself, and he had to do it hard. All right.

What else? You would say this shit to Hardwon's face. He's 6'6", and he has three axes on his purse four axes six foot six the figurine you're having made is just two inches tall yeah but it's he he still has four axes and actually i'm currently in the process of making a life-sized one because he does that he towers over other figurines. Smaller figurines. Yeah. Bigger than the dice. So the key here is to make the wine,

drink the wine, and then, I don't know. Replace the wine. Replace the wine with other wine. I feel like if you only like drinking it because it's tasty and not because it gets you fucked up, that everybody's parents are going to be okay with you guys having like a glass.

It's illegal to drink when you're under 21, but is it illegal to make wine when you're under 21? Let's sick the fucking feds after this. This bootlegger. This moonshiner making fucking toilet wine out of bananas in his own bathroom. All right, good luck. Didn't you say you used to replace alcohol with water? fucking toilet wine out of bananas in his own bathroom. Alright, good luck. Didn't you say you used to replace alcohol with water?

In liquor cabinets? Yeah. My parents drank so little that like we would be watering down our own vodka that we would like continually steal. We would steal half a bottle of vodka, water it down, and then like

we would need to and then we would need to drink, we would need to steal again, but we were just stealing the watered down vodka. Which is probably fine because you got less drunk and less sick. And we kept it in the freezer at my parents' house and eventually the bottle froze. My dad was like, I know, but this is water now. Very good. All right, Sherlock, what are you going to do, ground me? Yes, I am going to do that. Okay, so what, I can't go outside now? What if I do anyway?

Then I'm grounded more? Yeah. All right. You take away, what, my phone? All right, then I'll sit in my room. Jesus, what's with the third degree, dad? You really did have so much power. You could just turn off my phone at any time.

Smoke me out of my hole. What if I just couldn't live at home? I'd need to be near mother. You mustn't take mother away from me. Don't take me away from mommy. Take my phone, but not my mother privileges. Mommy, he's being angry to your loved one, your prized little possession. Don't let him hurt your baby, mother.

Wah, wah. Your sweet baby boy. This is you at 17. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and answers and maybe some unsolicited advice. Oh, snap. And we've returned.

Hola. It's time for some unsolicited advice. Wee-oo. Mom, I'm coming. They forgot the best part. Let me see who wrote that. I already forget. I meant to look it up. But we got a second unsolicited advice.

Theme song, Stinger. Somebody mentioned that it sounded like, when you said it, it sounded like the Mario theme song. So she combined the two. Cool. Unsolicited advice. Hold. Hold it. Sure.

As long as you need. You just let me know. Might be an hour. All right. I don't have anywhere to be. Well. Yeah, I'm good. Olivia.

It was Olivia who wrote it. Hey, thanks Here's my unsolicited advice for the week Go on Oat milk Alright, next question That's right There's a new non-dairy alternative in town

Forget everything you knew about almond milk, soy milk, and coconut milk. There is no hemp or cashew anymore. That's right. It's all about oat is the goat. Oat milk is the goat milk, and I'll tell you why. And what about goat milk? That would also be the oat milk. Nice.

It's unlike its nutty alternatives. I find oat milk to be just as creamy and delicious as milk without the nuttiness of it. Because almond milk kind of tastes like almonds to me and cashew milk tastes like cashews. And then there's like macadamia and it all kind of a little bit tastes like nut water. Oat milk- That is such a foul, that's like a, that sounds like a sleepover prank. Yeah, nut water. Oh dude, you got nut water. Then I went to a blue bottle, and I noticed they had something called oat milk.

And I'm like, what's that? And they're like, they basically make it out of oats. Strain it, blend it, whatever. I'm like, oh, this is great. I'll go to a supermarket and buy it. And the barista said, they don't make it in supermarkets. They don't sell it in stores. You have to make it yourself.

And then she disappeared. And then she milked me. She made me come into a iced latte. I couldn't believe my dick. That's not oat milk. Huh. Oh, yeah. That's the nut water I was talking about earlier. Ah, good. Very good. Oatly is the product. Not paid to endorse it, but I did go online and do some research

and it's oatly, oatly.com. And indeed, for whatever reason, they're not selling it in stores, maybe because it's too hard, maybe because they're trying to create

some sort of cool artificial scarcity where you can't really get your product and you gotta buy it by the case, which is six cartons of their oat milk.

I ordered online, kept some at the office, kept some at home. I remain to be a huge fan as I not only drink it with coffee now, I also have like a glass of it with dessert. Really? Yeah. What are the health benefits or the health drawbacks? I don't know. I think the benefits are that it's non-dairy, so it doesn't

upset my stomach. And the drawbacks are that it's probably filled with carbs because it's blended up oats. It's almost like, it tastes like the milk left when you finish Rice Krispies or Cheerios or something.

So it's a little sweet, but also kind of milky. It's a plant milk. Okay. Maybe I'll try it. There's some here at the office? I just finished it. Good shit. Yeah.

Very good shit. But I did order six more. Good shit. I'm starting to resell it, which is sort of my, that's going to be my unsolicited advice next week. Because on the website, it's- So yours is goatly.com. Yeah.

On the website, it's like $4, $5 a carton and I'm going to start selling it for $8 outside of Blue Bottle. How expensive is like a carton of milk? Probably like $2. So it's double milk. Yeah, double milk and then even a little more than soy and almond. But what can I say? Like you said, oat is the goat.

Yeah. So that's my advice. And there's also chocolate oat milk that I don't like, but it's probably good if you like chocolate milk. Oh, shit. You like chocolate milk, I assume. It's been a minute since I had it, but I liked it as a youngin'. Fuck it.

I'm going to get you $144 for your fucking wedding thing. I definitely don't want $144 cartons for my wedding. What's your address? I'll send it home't want 144 cartons for my wedding. What's your address? I'll send it home and you can bring it to the wedding. I'm not going to say my address on the podcast. It's like 2-

6- Yeah, 663 Main Street. Main Street. And then zip code? I'm not going to just- I don't want people showing up at my- 90241. 90241.

Christ, this is- Ah, shit. You know what? They don't accept American Express. Do you have your Visa number on you? Yes, I'll tell you it after the... Just do it now, just because I'm on the... 394-055-6.

Wait, slow down. 394. 394. Yeah. This is my Amex or my Visa? Visa. Okay, the Visa, it's 4797. 4797.

0044. 0044. V044- 1919- Slow down, because I'm missing some of the numbers. 19-19- Say it clearly and loudly. 19-19- 1001-

Expiration? Expiring? If I say the expiry, people will really be able to steal my shit. Give me the month, then, not the year. 09. 09. What's the year? 22. Yeah, 22. And then the little then, not the year. 09. 09. What's the year? 22.

Yeah, 22. And then the little, obviously the last step is the security ID number. I know, the three-digit code on that. The three-digit code that basically ensures. I'm going to hold up on my fingers. I cannot see it. Zero? Zero.

Don't say, please don't say the second and the third one. All right. Okay, you got the first. Zero. Three. Don't. All right, I'm not going to tell you the last one. I won't repeat it.

I just, it helps me write it down when I say it out loud. Four. All right, got it. I'll bleep that part out. Please bleep that part out because otherwise everyone's going to know. This is so weird. I'm sorry. What's your social security number?

There's no way you need that. There's no way you need that for this order. What is it? I'm not going to fucking reveal it. What's your social? 066. 066, yeah. 19. 3795.

3795. And I'm begging you. There is no oat milky piece of shit. What the fuck? I just scammed you. At least edit this out of the podcast. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Alright, do you have anything to promote before we get back to the questions? I just want people to subscribe and listen to my D&D podcast.

Right. All I want to do is play D&D. So it'd be great if I... It was the number one podcast, games and hobbies podcast, on the Apple Store. Apparently it was ahead of another big podcast called Critical Role. That's pretty cray-cray. So if you like that podcast, you might like mine. Not another D&D podcast.

Not another D... Is it still number one in games and hobbies? Now it's fifth. Fuck. But tens of thousands of people listen to you play. It's not even playing. I'm going to call you out on that. It's not a...

You're not playing anything. It's pretending. You're doing make-believe. We pretend, me, Murph, Emily, and Caldwell pretended for six hours

in the office the other night. We played make-believe. And I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I make-believe that I was a human man

raised by dwarves. Emily is an elf raised by a creek. Caldwell is a tiny little hobbit halfling man. And Murph is our dungeon master. This was after a full day's work. You stayed afterward from 6.30 until midnight? A little after midnight, yeah.

After midnight. And I should say this is on Valentine's Day. Of course. Certainly you had plans. Oh, I did. And you, what, blew them off? Did you? I guess I did and you what blew them off did you i guess i didn't were you able to phone or would this hard one not have cell reception so he couldn't make a call yeah it

wouldn't wouldn't have been in the spirit of the make-believe right so hard one hard one can't text he has four axes and that's all he has he's got the great axe the two throwing axes and the pick axe so what does he do how is he gonna how is he going to text his fiance and say that he's running late? This is you talking to her at night at 1am when she's at home scared for you. What am I supposed to do? I mean, Hardwin had control of me at a certain point. You just have to throw your hands up and wonder.

I show up at Bestia. Yeah, it's a reservation for two under Surefoot. Hardwon, that's right. Hardwon. 6'6 of muscle and beard. Sir, this is the best buy. Whatever.

Just give me a pound of pasta. All right. Listen to Not Another D&D Podcast. Preach. That's your unsolicited advice. Yeah. And your solicited advice. Very much so.

All right. I got one. It's a 21-year-old female from Canada. Nice. Maybe she's in one of the cities that we're going to. Oh, that'd be nice. Maybe she's in the Winter Olympics. Can you imagine that?

What if it was Lindsay frickin' Vaughn? Let's call her Chloe Kim. Chloe Kim writes, I'm a 21-year-old female from Canada, even though, you know, I have a major crush on one of my professors. Oh, yeah. She's from America. Yeah. I wish I knew enough about the Olympics to of my professors. She's from America. Yeah. I wish I knew enough about the Olympics to know a Canadian.

Is Lindsay Vaughn in? No, she's American too. Yeah. I'm sorry. I only support my country. I don't know any Canadian figure skaters. Wayne Gretzky's daughter. Oh, Delilah Gretzky.

Nice. I'm a 21-year-old female from Canada, and I have a major crush on one of my professors. He's funny, handsome, and so smart. Now, I want to express my interest, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. Sometimes I try to talk to him after class, but there are always other people around slash we mostly talk about lecture material. I know he likes me as his student since I'm doing really well in his class, but how do I take it to the next level? One of my friends suggested I wear Hot! Thanks, love, Lindsey Vonn slash Delilah Gretzky. She's going to go from talking to him about test material, lecture material, to showing her nipple to him. That's right. Actually, I have a friend who's now a professor

in Canada. I emailed him and I'm like, is it legal for a professor and student to have relations? And he said, in most major Canadian universities, it is legal. Interesting. Yeah. I wonder if it was, for whatever reason, it felt like legally forbidden, but maybe I'm thinking of like other type of high school. Yeah, student teacher. That was very bad.

Yeah. But what if the high schooler is 18? Is that still illegal? I don't know. So, all right. Just throwing it out there that it's not only legal, but both these people are of age. That she's 21.

She's 21, and he's in his mid-30s. Professor. Lady has the hots on the prof. What do you think is a good way to win over a professor? I think you have to wait until the end of the semester. Leave your number behind. Leave your number on the test on like you just write him a note hey thanks for being a great professor if you ever want to get together here's my number oh that's cool just go for it and what if your number ends in like 98 and so you at the top of the exam you're like my number is 60159 and then the the grade that i'm gonna get on this

fucking exam nice that's and then he gives you a 64 he can't contact you because you got a d minus and you're not intelligent and your nipples were hanging out the whole time do you think uh she has to do well in the class oh do you think that helps or hurts it probably i mean it would hurt if she was a terrible student right and he's a professor right and she's dedicated in the materials like you're this like this subject sucks but you're hot yeah i don't fancy myself an educated woman whatsoever and you've you've dedicated your life to academia, we should date. You've dedicated it to this one subject that you hate.

I teach religion and you think it's worthless. Match made in heaven. If she stays after to talk to you about the lecture material, maybe she likes this shit. Or maybe she just likes his shit. You should you should i would say probably wait until after class because otherwise it might seem like you're just trying to sleep your way to a better grade oh or i would think

that he would also be like i'm not interested i don't date students i because even if it's not illegal, it still feels morally wrong. Yeah. So maybe he has some kind of compass for that. And then if he says no, then it'd be kind of weird to go to class. Right. If he rejects you and then you're like, okay, unrelated, I have a question about. Yeah, he's like grading your papers knowing that you made a pass at him. Or as your friend advised, he's grading your papers knowing that you flashed him.

Yeah. And then he has to pass you and you made a pass at him and it's probably too much. So you say, wait until after class. Yeah. I know I earned an A, but give me that D. Oh, that's really good. That's good, right? Or you say like, I know-

And then he gives you a D. Yeah. I didn't get what you meant, but all right, here's your D. If you have small breasts, you could say, I earned an A, but now I'm going to earn, now you just earned two A's. Or you could say that for any size your breasts are, B's, C's, D's. I guess it wouldn't work if they were like double Ds. Double, yeah.

So here's two double Ds. Yeah. And you give him a little battery, a D battery. And then he'll be like, what is this for? And you'll be like, I think you know. And then he looks up and your boobs are out. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

And you're holding a remote control in one hand and a vibrator in another. And he's like, you're under. Am I then? For what? Because I can see there and a vibrator in another. And he's like, you're under arrest. Am I then? For what? Because I can see there's a bomb in your backpack. Wow. Big freaking deal. I also take electronics.

Sorry, this isn't my only class, question mark. Shit's weird in Canada. I swear. That was verbatim probably something that happened every day in the Yukon territory. They're so fucking back ass words up there. Come see us in Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver. And we'll tell you what it's fucking like in the great white north. We were doing an interview to promote the Winnipeg show.

And the person said, what do you know about Winnipeg? And we're like, we heard that it's fun, but it's cold. He's like, yeah, it's pretty cold. It's minus 30. I don't know what that is in Fahrenheit. And I looked and it was just minus 30 again. It's so cold Celsius

that Fahrenheit begins to intersect with it again because it's so freezing at that point. Yeah. Oh my God. Minus 30. He's like, you want to bring like, you know, three layers on every part of your body. I don't have three layers for a month.

He suggested packing snow pants. And a parka. I don't own either of those things. What I'm going to do is I'm going to get like a nice fall jacket and like keep my hands in my pockets. That's good. It might be cold, but I'll be like. Yeah, I'll probably have one hand in my pocket because it's nice to have a latte with that kind of weather. Yeah, that's cool.

And a fucking like cigarette. A fingerless club and just like a hot. or i might even do iced coffee if that's and i'll bring running shoes in case i want to do like a morning run that like wakes me up nice we'll be sure to bring shorts too because you might get hot yeah i'm gonna bring compression pants obviously and then i'll wear shorts and then like uh a beater like it's what i can't say that anymore You can I was gonna pack a beater What I feel like I'm under arrest here I think they're coming back

What Muscle shirts I can't even say tank tops anymore Cause all these hippies are anti-war And you're pro-war I don't know I can't make an opinion I'm pro-bank? I don't know. I can't make an opinion.

I'm pro-mank. What? Mank top. What's that? That's a man tank top. Is that a real thing or you just make it up? I think manks are a real thing. I might get a mank.

Anyway, I'll wear a sleeveless, compression pants, one shoe, and crutches. And no fucking teeth. Because I'm having them surgically removed to make my gums hot in Winnipeg. That's right. Either that or we'll just silently hope that by the time it reaches early May, temperatures will hit at the very least zero. What's the coldest you've ever experienced?

Fahrenheit. I guess probably like negative 10 or something. Yeah. That's really fucking cold. This was colder than that. I'm actually pretty scared we might have to freaking cancel.

Don't cry. Do not cry. Because the tears will freeze in your eyes. You really shouldn't cry. Icicles on your cheeks. All right. Well, that's it.

Answered questions, promoted shows, talked about oat milk, and that's it. I feel like the big three are done. Thank you to everyone who's written in. That email address for not only theme songs but questions is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Remember who wrote the opening one?

Totally. It was so fun. Guston. Gust. And this closing one was a reggae song. Hold. Oh, yes. Who is described as jazzy meets mrazy.

Ooh, that is your favorite. Yeah. It was written by Isaac Balson. So thanks. Oh, the tune is on my interlude. It's an interlude song on my newest record, A Totally Real and Normal Podcast, which is based loosely on listening to the great podcast on HeadGum.

Hell yeah. Thanks, Isaac. It'll be out on Spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. And there's a full movie on YouTube. This is a lot to unpackage, but thanks, Isaac, for writing it. Thanks to Justin for writing his song. And thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back, as always, next week, every Monday, on the Monday, unless I won the lottery, and you'll never fucking see me again. You get rich, you wouldn't... I wouldn't even say bye to you. I would leave a million dollars on your desk and take a shit on it.

Sounds awesome, actually. You'll miss me if I'm gone. No, I won't. I'll leave $2 million. Let's see how you fucking react to that shit. So you're trying to get to a number that would make me sad. $10 million and I'm diarying on your chair. Fine, then I'd be sad.

I'd miss you. $10 million? You'll give me $10 million to miss you? I really fucking will. All right. Even if I win two, I'll scrape together the last eight so you can go fuck yourself with it.

Take it from the loan shark and hightail it out of here. Bye, everybody. Now won't you listen to Jake and Amir? They'll be dishing out a price, have no fear. You're looking lost, but like you. Viewers like you, but not you. Get it together, folks.

That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary

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