Segments - 316: Brotherly Sex (w/Dave Rosenberg!)

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

Friend and fellow HeadGum podcaster Davey Rosenberg joins us to discuss arm wrestling, cologne, and unfollowing ex-girlfriends on Instagram.See us all in Austin, TX live on March 10! Tickets at HeadGum.com/live!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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First they'll have a few laughs Make some jokes and kick back Call you a dick or a bitch and then move. To the next fucking question. I hope you like digression. Checking the mirror, be dishing out mad lessons. Breaking up relationships left and right. Swipe on that profile.

Get some Tinder advice. Don't have a question? You're just having a bad day? Listen anyway. I'll let them put a smile on your face. There's not a problem too big. They'll always know what to do. Just sit back and relax. This isn't for you. Okay. All right.

That was ARP City. ARP City. ARP City, bitch. What do you think, baby Davey? Howdy, folks. How y'all doing out there? Welcome to Twinnovation. No, no.

We're scheming and dreaming. No, we're not scheming or dreaming. I thought you were filling in for Jeff and Mike. Wow. You thought we were doing your podcast? I Uber pooled here. That's the cheapest one. Actually, Uber Express pool is the new cheapest one.

Oh, that's where they don't even pick you up at your house. No, that's when you have to get on a skateboard and just hold on to the back of the Uber Pool. Oh, you're sketching. Oh, Express. Marty McFly style. Yeah. Oh, wait, is there one where you just, there's a car going up and down like 3rd Street and then you have to hop in?

Pretty much. Which is a bus. Yeah, you have to meet them at a destination, which is really confusing. Wait, there is an actual Uber Express Pool? Yeah. pool where a guy's just going down Third Street and he's picking people up? Essentially, yes. So it's like a car bus. There's a couple of the people that, I think there's an app called Via that does it too. And so the drivers are just paid to go up and down one street? We finally got there.

Uber has gone full circle into a bus. It's Uber for trains. And you can't request a time, but they come at a predetermined time. Drivers get a bonus for driving a bus. That's good. Okay, wait. First of all, that guy is on SoundCloud, Twitter, and Instagram under ARPCity. Full disclosure, that email was written two years ago, but I just found his email today. He's dead now. ARP City? ARP City?

Hopefully he's still out there making stuff. Yeah, ARP City. You guys checked emails from two years ago? Well, I couldn't really find a good theme song, so I searched song with an attachment, unopened, and I found like 40. Interesting. Yeah, and then this one is from February 16th. Oh my god, almost literally exactly

two years ago. You know what you guys should do? You should package all the opening and closings and put an iTunes album out. Oh, shit. See, this is actually a really cool idea. This is the kind of good unsolicited advice that we're going to be looking forward to later in the show, but please don't give any now.

I got seven. You have seven? Seven unsolicited advices? Advicize. Do you have more time to unsolicited advices? Advocize. Do you have more time to come up with advice now? Is that what you're saying? I have a little bit more time, yes. I've been doing a lot of work in the back of Uber Pool Expresses lately.

Would you ever drive an Uber Pool Express? I was actually thinking about it the other day. If I didn't have to tell anyone, not that there's shame in driving an Uber, but I actually really like driving. And I really like talking to random people. And you can rent, not rent, but you can lease a car. Actually, no, you'd probably need to at least lease. But you can lease a car for a pretty low amount of money per month.

I had an Uber driver pick me up in a Tesla last week. Wow. And I was like, oh, this has to be some like promotion for, I don't know, some Tesla promotion. And the guy's talking about how he bought the car in Chicago. It's like a 2014 Tesla. A used Tesla. For 30,000 miles. And he bought it for 30 grand.

And you don't have to pay gas on it, obviously. You don't think about used Teslas. That's the overhead with Ubers is the gas. Right. So if you have an electric, a used electric car, you can get a used Nissan LEAF for a couple thousand bucks. Yeah. And then drive Uber, and it's basically all profit. Because these Uber drivers are driving so much that they end up spending $20 or $30 a day on gas.

Where are you filling up? Do they not get a stipend or anything? No, you don't get a stipend. Where are you filling up? It fills up at SpaceX. Really? Yeah, because it's kind of close. Oh, there's a supercharging station.

So would you be, can non-Teslas fill up at those super stations? No, I think Tesla has like specific. Tesla only. Yeah. Yeah. Although they take longer to charge. Let's promote our Canada shows. Oh, yeah.

Well, we're doing a show in Austin together. That's why it makes extra sense to have you here. South by Southwest, March 10th, we're doing a show. Oh, there's still tickets for that? I thought we sold that out. It might be almost sold out, especially by the time this comes out. But if there are tickets left, it's at ifirewshow.com.

It's going to be big. Or headgum.com slash live. Huge. Do you already know what you're going to pitch at that show? I have two ideas. One's a bit raunchier than the other, so I'm debating which one to go with. Is it as raunchy as your idea that you had on the podcast of,

uh, bottling women's farts in jars? The true root. True root. Yeah. That actually exists now. I showed you that picture, right?

Yeah. I believe that. True root exists. Uh, in that essence, uh, there's a porn star that I believe is selling her bottled farts. Uh,

well, if you're curious at all, come watch us live with Twinnovation. Tickets at headgum.com slash live if they're still available. And then if you're in Canada, Jake and I are doing a fire review shows there in Winnipeg, Calgary, and Vancouver. We'll tag along

for that too, right? Maybe we'll open for you guys there? Those are three days. We're going to do March 6th, 7th, 8th, and then on the 9th we're traveling to Austin, and then on the 9th, we're traveling to Austin. And then on the 10th, we're doing another show. That's a lot. Yeah. I'm tired.

I am tired thinking about that for sure. What's that? Is that the two shows in Austin? Well, HeadGum's doing three shows, but we're just part of the last one. Interesting. It's going to be fun, dude. Yeah, we're excited. But for now, let's dwell on the present.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us, Amir, and that's Jake. And today we have Dave. Squeak! What? Call me squeak! Why? Baby Davey was already so abrasive, and now this is the one thing that's worse,

is you actually just squeaking on camera. You have a Soylent. Yes. Where'd you get that? Is that from 7-Eleven? It is. Wait, You have a Soylent. Yes. Where'd you get that? Is that from 7-Eleven? It is. Wait, you have a Soylent and a coffee. Yeah, I'm doubling down on the coffee today.

Is that full? It's actually a coffee flavored. Is that empty? You finished it? It's a quarter full. Right, wait, so you're drinking a cold brew and a coffee-ist and a Soylent. Yeah, I don't get free coffee anymore.

Did you drink coffee this morning? Just a Soylent. I don't know how to make coffee. I know I could look morning? Just a Soylent. I don't know how to make coffee. I know I could look it up. It's not hard. It's like coffee grounds and water. So your coffee intake is just purely free coffee or

7-Eleven coffee? Correct, yes. Is Cafe Vanilla the one you're holding your favorite? No, they just haven't had it for like two months. I wanted to try it out. I like the coffee-est. Yeah. The original. Is that the original?

Yeah. The original coffee one. Yeah. Uh, all right. So this, uh, is an email we received from an 18 year old in New Zealand. Barely legal, folks. Do you have a name for this Kiwi who is, uh, 18 years old? Do I have a name?

Yeah. Bears Legal. Bears Legal. Very cool. Cousin of Bear's Grills. Any relation to Bear's Grills. Is he still around? He's not.

I actually started reading his book a couple years ago. And? Not bad. Squeaks his back. He gives it one squeaks. Squeaks his back. He gives it one squeaks. Squeaks. It's just the entire book is just pictures of him eating different insects. Shit.

Squeezing water out of shit. Hey, I'm an 18-year-old from New Zealand and I have an awkward situation, writes Bears. About a week ago, I was on holiday with my family, enjoying some good old family quality time with a fam. I had to share a room with my older brother and his girlfriend, which I didn't mind at all. We slept in bunk beds, where I was the bottom bunk, and it was a double bed, and the top was a single. So come to the third night of our holiday, my brother, his girlfriend, decided to call it a night and hit the hay about half an hour into my attempt of sleeping. I was suddenly jerked awake by the sound of a bed moving.

At first, I assumed it was just my brother and his girlfriend trying to get comfortable, but then a once-lightly jolt turned into a rhythmic shake followed by quiet moans. I laid awkwardly still while my brother was boning his girl. After 25 minutes of consecutive body bumping, it finished. I was so deeply disturbed by this, I felt physically ill. I woke up the next day and couldn't even talk or make eye contact with my brother or his girlfriend. They don't know I heard them, but doink-a-doink. So my question is, how do I bring this up in a way so I don't feel so awkward around them anymore?

And is it weird that I didn't tell them to stop or be quiet? I just didn't say anything because I felt it would have been too awkward to tell them to stop mid-fuck. Thanks, and all the love. Love bears legal. You guys do a lot of clapping on your podcast. Yeah, we like to clap for ourselves. I'm clapping for beers right now. I'm clapping for the fans.

Have you ever heard your brother have sex? You have a twin brother. I do have a twin brother. I do have a twin brother. I haven't heard him having sex, but I've heard other, I've heard all the O'Donnells have sex in my apartment. We've heard you. Have you not heard Jeff have sex? But I also wear headphones when I go to sleep,

and I have them on high, like, all through my sleep cycle. That sounds so bad for your ears. You have headphones on turned high during your sleep? Yeah. So you're in a bed with... I'm listening to 15 hours of podcasts a day. It is a podcast that you're listening to? Yes. And then you fall asleep and it just plays through the night?

Yes. What podcast do you listen to? I listen to a lot. What kind of genre are you talking about? True crime. True crime, yeah. Oh my god, Atlanta Monster right now is the best podcast out there.

Right behind Twinnovation. And if I were you. Doesn't it keep Anna away? Because even if you have your AirPods in pretty loudly you can hear. Well, I put the pods in and then I put bigger headphones over it to insulate the sound. So walk me through your sleep.

It's so loud. I want to understand the entire sleep schedule. Like let's say you're going to bed. What time on average do you go to bed? 11, sometimes 10. Okay, 11 p.m. What's 10.30 to 11 if you're going to sleep at 11 p.m.? What's your bedtime routine?

Yeah, what's happening at 10.30? Do you get ready for bed? Well, I get ready for bed by downloading a bunch of podcasts and creating one of those little playlists. Okay, so you're like, it's time. It's getting late. I'm tired. I'm going to get ready for bed. 10.30 p.m., I start downloading podcasts.

Yes. Then what? How do you even find 10 hours worth of podcasts to download? Well, because if you subscribe to a bunch, then they automatically download, and then they'll sometimes play reverse chronological order. Can I see your phone to see how many podcasts you subscribe to? Yeah, you can. Okay, wait. While Jake does that, continue walking us through.

Podcasts are downloading, then what do you do? It's like 1040 at this point. I try and stay up for as long as possible. But you still only make it to 11 p.m.? Yeah. Okay, so how are you trying to stay up? By making sure that my mind isn't drifting and that I'm focusing on what the individual or a group of individuals is saying.

Got it. Okay, so then... So this one is still loading, which I guess must mean you have a lot of podcasts. Also, your screen is insanely cracked, and then you have that little film sticker over it. Very good, Jacob. Did you put it on too late, or it's still cracked under the sticker?

You don't need the little film thing anymore. Do you want to use my other phone to look it up? You have another phone. Yeah. Two phones. Two phones, baby. Got it. Every twin has two phones.

That's a little fun fact about twins. Are you getting ready? Are you washing your face? Are you brushing your teeth? Are you flossing? Are you just fully clothed or naked? I usually go to bed fully clothed because I like

to be warm under the covers and then as the night goes on, I'll slowly de-layer. So fully clothed for you is what you're currently wearing is a button up t-shirt and jeans, socks and shoes. Are you wearing all that in bed? Yes. Not the shoes though. Jeans, you're going to bed in jeans? These are cotton sort of base jeans, so they're a little bit more nimble.

And you can go to sleep in them. Your eyes should just, yeah, to keep me warm. And then you're- Then I turn the air condition up really high because I like to be cold. I like my face to be cold, but my body to be warm. So you're fully clothed underneath the sheets. Yes. Air conditioning blasted so that your face is cold, but your body is warm. So you're fully clothed underneath the sheets. Yes. Air conditioning blasted so that your face is cold

but your body is warm. And then once my body starts sweating, then I'll take off that second layer of socks and get down to that base layer of sock. And in the middle of the night,

you were... So David's subscribed to about 60 podcasts. Yes. It's not as insane as I thought it might be. I actually had to delete a bunch because

they take up a lot of memory on your phone. I mean, it's pretty insane. Yeah. Okay. So you're fully clothed. Have you gotten ready for bed at all or are you just basically crashing? I never, like, I always try and stay up for as long as I can when I'm listening to the podcast. So I never want to go to bed.

Yeah. But I'll let it happen naturally. Because I can't just go to bed yeah but i'll let it happen naturally because i can't i can't just go to bed with uh without anything playing because i actually think i have like a ringing in my ear oh that and that's probably because you listen to the podcast so no i think it's because of the accident i like my jaw is like slightly fractured and i think i'm half deaf in my right ear whoa so uh there's like a there's like a ringing if it's quiet ever. I can hear like a dull ringing.

If you're going to bed around 11, when are you waking up? I can actually hear it right now, and it's, huh? When are you waking up? I like to get up at like 5, 5.30 before the sunrise. You know, once you see the sunrise in the morning,

then you can appreciate the day. Because you have to catch the first ray of sunlight. Now that's a shirt. The first ray of sunlight after the sun rises above the horizon, if you open your mouth and that first ray of sunlight hits the back of your throat, that's your breakfast. That's you blowing God every morning. If plants can exist off of water and sunlight, then why can't we also? What's your 5.30 a.m. to like 8.30 a.m.? You don't want to know, buddy.

It's a lot of Bowflex dumbbells. I'll tell you that much. I'm preparing for the big arm wrestling match with Nick Radd at South by Southwest. Are you guys going to arm wrestle each other? Yeah, man. I've been training like crazy. Was it last year that you guys... No, there was a rematch last year. Dave is... Alright, sorry.

You never won. Dave is taking off his shirt. He thinks it's the middle of the night and he's getting hot underneath the covers or something. Your bicep is huge. Yeah. It's crazy that Nick beats you so easily because you're so much thicker than he is. Yeah, but he hasn't been able, the deal was he can't work out. He hasn't worked out before anyway. He hasn't worked out for like six months.

Right, but he hasn't worked out for 20 years it seems and he's still beating you. Yeah. Well, he definitely has that like gymn, gymnast body, you know? He's vascular. He's got... Yeah, but he's vascular. But why? I would think just your meat, your beef.

I mean, look at you. You're huge. Yeah, I think he's cheating, too, maybe. I'll beat him this year, though. I've been training for, like, two months. Straight. But do you train from just building up your bicep because you have to like it's shoulder too right yeah there's a back and strategy no he hasn't done any of that all right so i've looked i've watched some videos

sorry let's get back to this guy's question when you're hearing your friend have sex in the room that you're in you've you've had that experience before yeah do you mention anything dave's old apartment the ceilings none of the ceilings on the room. Well, so Jeff and Hank's room, the ceiling didn't go all the way, or the wall didn't go all the way to the ceiling. So there was a little opening. And then Jake's room, it was just a loft. It was a loft above my closet. It had like a railing, but no, you know, no wall.

So a lot of sex lives. And then Dave lived in a closet with a sliding door. $850 a month. That's a pretty good deal. Not bad. So you're hearing people having sex a lot of sex lives in a closet with a sliding door yeah 850 a month that's pretty good deal not bad so you're hearing people having sex a lot all the time because jake was a bartender so he would come home at like 5 a.m which was the time i was sort of not jake hurwitz no no uh jake o'donnell um and so i he would basically i would i started waking up at this time because that's the time he would get home and right and that's when you have to swallow the first ray of sun. Yeah, for sure. My little sunflower, David Rosenberg.

But this guy bears legal. If he doesn't think his brother and his girlfriend know that he knows, then he's only fooling himself. They're getting off on that stuff. Oh, the fact that he knows. Yeah, they want him to know. They don't care. They don't give a shit. And you definitely shouldn't have said anything

because that's super awkward. Even if he was physically ill? He was physically ill? Yeah, he said he was disturbed by this and physically ill. I feel like you just say, I mean, I think it only works

if you say something as it's happening. You if you say something as it's happening. You can't say something as it's happening. Not so fast. I think you do the clear throat, the loud clear throat. So it's like, oh, shit, he's awake. But maybe he's not fully awake. So you're like, but like the half-talk clear throat. Yeah, but then they're just going to stop for like five minutes and start again.

And that's just going to elongate the entire process. then you go even more awake like i'm awake don't fuck maybe maybe you start commentating it i can't hear you fucking oh that's good yeah like really lean into it leaning in oh what if you start moaning sexually you're a jerk oh yeah act like you're jerking off turn the tables on that make them feel awkward i like that that's a couple good options i actually had a similar experience because i was in the back of one of these uber pool expresses uh yesterday when i came to record twinnovation uh and i was uh watching vanilla sky on my phone in the back seat jesus i've never seen it before and anna doesn't want to watch it so i'm like all right i'll watch it now where was this in the back seat. Jesus. Because I've never seen it before. And Ana doesn't want to watch it. So I'm like, all right, I'll watch it now.

Where was this? In the back of the Uber Pool Express on my way here last night. Got it. So you're watching Vanilla Sky on your cracked phone with no space, 60 podcasts, 44,000 emails. Well, no, on Netflix. I'm not like downloading movies. Right. How much is an Uber Express? It was like $4. From West Hollywood to downtown,

you're getting here for $4? Well, it takes me almost two hours. And that's why he was able to watch all of Vanilla Sky. What did you think, by the way? I'm like halfway through, so no spoilers. But, you know, there's a lot of naked women in it, and someone came into the backseat. It was

like an older woman, and I was like, oh, man, this is this is like i shouldn't be doing this because it kind of looks like porn yeah it is at that point yeah it pretty much was where are you good though yeah i mean i liked it yeah where are you getting on the express does it really go down just that's did you see the first part there's no cameron dianas is like yeah yeah that's like i swallow your cum yeah oh i haven't seen that yet what are you talking about way in the beginning it's the very beginning yeah but during the accident accident what movie are you talking what the fuck movie are you talking about vanilla sky with tom oh i meant uh eyes wide shut my bad have you ever seen vanilla sky vanilla sky is great though i love that movie you're gonna watch that cameron diaz right to watch that on the Uber Express, right?

Yeah. That's a solid year come by. Yeah. But Eyes Wide Shut is actually even more R-rated at the beginning. I had never seen that one. Because it's Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. And it's like, I think it's like where they go to parties, and they have sex with random people.

I'm not sure yet, but I think that might be what it is. We're a little off track here though, right? Yeah. I clear the throat. I say just like be ready to say something next time. I don't think you should say something. Why would you say something?

That's so awkward. Isn't it awkward that his brother had sex in front of him? Real sex? He should be on the top bunk though. Like why are they banging on the top bunk also actually you know what i changed my opinion don't say something to them as a couple say something to him as a brother say something to the girlfriend as an outsider you don't belong in this family bro between you and me i heard you fucking last night don't do that to me again

yeah that's full honesty i'm going half honesty honesty. You can be honest to your brother. But why not just put on headphones and listen to something and go to bed? Why are you listening and watching? Some people don't sleep with headphones on. Put on one of those eye masks and put on the Twinnovation podcast episode 34, David.

You're giving him advice going forward. This already happened. He can't go back and do that. It's going to happen again, brother. If his brother's the boss that he's making out. And if it's not going to happen again, then you don't even need to bring it up. But really, just sleep face down, dude. Stop being a cock block on your brother. So if this situation happens.

Have you ever cock blocked Jeff? I think I was very good with not cock-blocking. I don't know if I've cock-blocked anyone in my life, to be honest with you. Wow. That's how good of a guy I am. Except for me. Yeah, that's true. Wasn't there a story once where you begged Jake to have a threesome or something?

Oh, yeah, dude. It was with you. What? It was with you. Just us three fucking? It was yesterday after the Uber Express pool pool i said i was fine with it why did it take you two hours to get here in an express uh because they pick up a lot of people so how's it an express uh because they make the people either walk to the destination to get picked up or they drop people off along the route and then

you have to walk to your final destination where do they drop you off they i said i was first in and last out so i got picked up at my place and dropped off here wow that's great for four dollars yeah i can't believe they did take a very long time though it was like an hour and a half how many people came in and out while you're on your way here? I lost track because I was playing this game on my phone. What about Vanilla? What about Eyes Wide Shut? That was yesterday. Today I was playing this game, Last Day on Earth.

It's a zombie game. What would you guesstimate? How long it took? How many people came in and out? I think it was five. No, no, it's not that many. That's not that bad, actually. It is when it's a small car.

I always sit in the front seat there i always i'm tall yeah and then i sort of honk the honk the steering wheel every once in a while let the driver know who's boss i love talking to drivers we have a great time oh really that could be a podcast i was thinking actually you interviewing drivers yeah well i i do this thing where i tell them i'll give them a five-star review if they rate and review my podcast on iTunes or Google. Have you done that before? Yeah, dude, it's a scheme, man. Do you do that if it's like a 70-year-old Armenian man or only when it's like a...

Yeah, I take their phone, I download the podcast app. No, you did not do that. I did it once. Gave them a fucking three, too. Scheming and dreaming, brother. Of course. All right, we got to take a break. We're already at our halfway point.

Let's try to come back after this break. Strong. With more questions and answers for, but David, squeaks. I hated that. And we're back. David, do you have any? Answer, let's do it. And we're back. David, do you have any unsolicited advice? Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. Unsolicited advice. Sorry about that. It caught you a little bit by surprise. This is a new segment, I imagine? Yeah. We're trying it out. How many can I do? Because I wrote down seven. Let's see how fast they happen. Well, mix liquor with water. Soda is making everyone fat and ugly.

And it's giving people cancer. Is that one idea or so far you've said two? That's one. One and then one just- That's why your first advice is liquor. Because most people mix liquor with the type of, you know, soda. Oh, seriously. So and then one just, one opinion. Because most people mix liquor with the type of, you know, soda.

Oh, so you're saying, so you're like, give me a whiskey water. Vodka water, dude, it's good. Right.

Splash of lime. Or vodka soda works, tequila soda. No, no soda, dude. Scotch and soda. No soda,

you don't need the soda. Wait, soda is just carbonated water, you're telling me carbonated water is making people feel good. that's seltzer, right? Yeah.

Coke has a lot of sugar in it. Well, that's Coca-Cola. Yeah. I mean, if you could do seltzer... Soda water, seltzer, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, but just do water. It's not that bad. It's like, I'll have a Jack and Coke. Yeah. I'll have a Jack and a lot of water. Text Grandma if you don't want to call her.

All these old bags have iPads now with data plans. You're mean to them. That's true, and the sentiment's nice, but you didn't need to call her. Buy cologne. Wait, the sentiment's not nice. He's saying this is how you get out of calling her. You should text, grandmas have iPads now, they're textable.

Yeah, but you can call, it's not sweet. Calling them is sweet. I just didn't think you need to call them an old bag. All right, next. Buy cologne, folks. Deodorant just doesn't do the trick unless you really rub it all over your neck and wrist. But I can tell you from experience that that can lead to a lot of awkward conversations and a lot of residue, actually. I was talking to my girlfriend about cologne recently.

It's like it's making some sort of comeback. Some people still smell like cologne. It just got me two things of cologne, and's like it's making some sort of comeback like some people still smell like me uh two things a cologne and i love it because when i think of cologne i think of like my dad in like the 90s putting it on right like i didn't know any like 20 year olds but not cologne i'm more into my gifted cologne right i've got a very good natural musk my pheromones are on point i smell of i smell of uh speed stick and bullet, and that's really all that I need. Yeah, but then you smell some people, and you're like, oh, you smell good. What are you wearing?

And it's usually a cologne. That's true, but I have a natural good scent. Anyway, what else? Well, you don't know that. A lot of people, they go nose-blind. You're relying on the cologne day by day, or is it only for a special occasion? For the first week or two, it was for special occasions and then i realized i never have special occasions to go to so now it's a daily thing now it's just for the uber express

watching shrek 3 in the back of the honda i'm tired of i'm tired of running uh old spice all over my neck and then i get rashes and stuff you don't need to wear fucking deodorant on your neck. The armpits are the only... By the way, I saw a commercial a long time ago for Degree. It was right around when I started wearing deodorant. It goes on clear and they

show you by putting it on their forearm. For three years, I would put deodorant underneath my armpits, on my chest, on my belly button, and on my forearms. Like you're making a cartoon skunk, just like starting at the base of your neck,

going down your back. I had no idea where it was supposed to go. I'm just like, all right, yeah. So everywhere, everywhere on the torso, everywhere above the waist. You don't take the stick and just put a little bit over like, you know, the small of your back?

No, I do not. Just in case it gets a little stinky back there? Like you're trying to white out a tramp stamp? Yeah, just a little swipe where the tramp stamp would be. Okay. So far, I think cologne is a good one. Well, you haven't heard this one yet. Mixing your liquor with water instead of Coca-Cola.

Because that'll give you less of a hangover, too, because the sugar dehydrates you. I think this might be the best one, though. If you're a young'un, watch Blast from the Past and Encino Man so you can be caught up when Brendan Fraser finally makes his epic comeback to Hollywood, folks. I did see a Brendan Fraser thing on Reddit. He's making a comeback,

and we know Hollywood loves a comeback story. Why? What did he do? What's his comeback? There was a GQ article about him and about how he hasn't sort of been in the spotlight for 10 years. And it turns out he like... Wait, what was it? It's C-No-Mad and who? Blast from the Past, which is a great movie. Christopher Walken.

I remember Blast from the Past. I didn't mean to cut you off. Alicia Silverstone. It turns out he's what? He apparently did like a lot of his own stunts in his movies, and it tore him up pretty hard. So I think he had a knee replaced, and then he had a spinal disc that was screwed up. And so he's had a ton of surgeries,

and I think he just sort of got depressed and shit. Got it. Yeah. Okay. And he got divorced. Well, now he's sort of coming back. He's in this new show on FXx but he's like a minor role it's a slow comeback it's a slow burn and that's your best advice is to watch encino man because

brendan fraser's making a comeback in his minor role maybe they don't know what the mummy is you know it's a great movie all right i like with honors that was my favorite one and i don't know sorry school ties uh school ties is great yeah yeah you know the people in that movie affleck movie if you're young. I like With Honors. That was my favorite one. Oh, no, no. Sorry. School Ties. School Ties is great. Yeah. You know, the people in that movie, Aflac, Damon. Yeah. They were the anti-Semites. Yeah. Wow. And then I just have one more. I know you guys

are short on time, but buy Bowflex dumbbells, okay? Bowflex dumbbells. And some bands because gym memberships are so expensive. You end up spending like, you know, $200 or $300 a year on gyms. And you just need to work out at home while you're watching TV. That's the only way to stay consistent with working out and exercising because you're not going to go to the gym every day.

You might go for a couple weeks, but eventually you're going to stop going, and then you just lose consistency. Working out is all about consistency. Is this the dumbbells? Yeah, they're the ones that can go- Do these plates come off? Is that how it works? So it can go from like five pounds to 40 pounds, and they're like 150, 170 bucks. How much is it on there? Yeah, this one is $2.99.

You have those in your house? Yeah. Don't you have a gym in your apartment building? Yeah, but like I don't want to go there. It's downstairs. Whatever, dude. in your house? Yeah. Don't you have a gym in your apartment building? Yeah, but like, I don't want to go there. Downstairs. Whatever, dude. I want to work out naked. All right,

you can't do that at the gym. That's true. I tried once. Those are good. That's a good list. Yeah, I got a couple more, but.

Jesus. Be the change you want to see in the world? I think you already covered that with the text your grandma on with the texture never get high on your own supply that's a good one just weird little idioms like a uh yeah desktop calendar did i already say the brendan frazier one yep you did we talked about it those are good yeah if you had to pick one of those which one would you do the liquor uh the liquor i think is really

good and i want i want to look into cologne i'm not ready to commit yet but i'm i'm intrigued i put did you smell me i put a little spritz on i didn't smell you but does it have to do with how poorly you smell on a regular basis like if i smell a stinky boy am i yeah you often have uh bo but i shower and bathe a lot so i'm i don't know maybe i just stink from the inside and I'm rotting. How often do you shower? Two to three times a day. Three times? Look at the amount of lint that his belly button collects. This is just apropos of nothing.

Oh, look at that belly. Well, I took a shower right before I got here. Of course. At three a day, you took a shower right before everything. But I did take out a huge lot. I've actually been collecting them. A lot of Twinnovation fans are reaching out wanting to purchase some. What's the price point there uh if you're a three dollar a month patreon subscriber you get a jar full of my belly button

at the end of each month a micro oz that's so little for like the amount of effort that you have you have to mail everybody a fucking yeah i'm putting on 10 shirts a day to try and build up the lint jesus christ i'm buying hundreds of dollars worth of shirts. Jake, did you say you had one? Oh, yeah, but it's mostly a promotion for my mother's sweet chocolate chip cookies. Oh, she's still selling jakesmomscookies.com? jakesmomscookies.com is, yeah, that's my unsolicited advice. Check it out.

Make me a good son. She's also offering a coupon code right now. Really? Coupon code mama. Oh, M-O-M-A? M-A-M-A. That makes more sense. Mama.

Oh, I see. A similar business model to the bottled farts, I imagine. 10% off. And don't talk about your bottled farts. We're talking about my mother's homemade chocolate chip cookies. Maybe there could be a flavor, a fart flavor cookie. Wait, she would do a special collaboration with Twinnovation where... With a double cookie. Jake's mom's cookies and true...

Have teamed up to create this fart sandwich. You won't believe your nose. These are baby Davy's favorite cookies. They also come with a... Oh, she makes biscotti now. Are you aware of this? That's my sister's boyfriend's mom making biscotti. Is this FDA approved?

It is FDA approved. Really? Cooks these in a commercial kitchen. Wow. And she partnered with some local bakers, including my sister's boyfriend's mom. Wow. She's got other moms into it. Very adorable. She was on an NPR got other moms into it. Very adorable.

She was on an NPR show a few months ago. Holy shit. Are these cookies selling like hotcakes? Are the hotcakes selling like cookies? I think she got a good plethora of orders in over Valentine's Day as gifts for loved ones. Oh, that's awesome. She hasn't sent any to the office anytime recently.

Yeah. I'm going to chew her out for that. You know what she should do? She should have like a recurring Valentine's Day thing where you send them a new batch of cookies every 14th of every month. That way you can tell your girlfriend

or boyfriend or what have you, Valentine's Day isn't just February 14th, it's March 14th. It's April 14th. And then you get oatmeal one month and you get oatmeal raisin the second month. Then you get oatmeal raisin with some type of chocolate chip. We know the different kinds of cookies.

How about you eat cookie dough for a month and you take a little shit onto a baking pan? 12 little dollops on a baking pan. You're talking about the Pura Farta, of course. The Pura Farta and True Root. I have teamed up. Okay, take your breath away. Jake'sMomsCookies.com promo code, Mama, 10% off.

Is that Mama M-A-M-A or M-O-M-M-A? I already asked. Did you? Yes. On this episode? M-A-M-A. Yeah, like two minutes ago. Dave's TBI.

All right. We need a girl's name, a lady's name. Divvy? Sasha. That's good. Nice. Last's TBI. Alright. We need a girl's name. A lady's name. Divvy? Sasha. That's good. Nice. Last name? Barron. That's enough. Is there any other name? Cone. Nice. Anything else? Junior? Sasha Barron Cone Jr. writes,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years. It's great. The only thing that bothers me is the amount of hometown hoes he follows on Instagram. Some of them hookup buddies is the amount of hometown hoes he follows on Instagram. Some of them hookup buddies from the past. When I was drunk the other night, I took his phone and unfollowed a majority of girls that he follows. I can't just follow them all back because most are private and it will notify when the request has been accepted. What do I say when slash if he mentions this to me? We't fight often but he will be mad if i went through

his phone i just started some unnecessary shit please help love sasha barrett crowe jr this is a good one this question excited me because i don't think we've ever gotten one like it before yeah because it's interesting that she's not like fuck these girls i'm going to tell him to his face to unfollow it's like i did it and i really regret it shit shit shit she's in the wrong here for sure yeah but now she feels bad. What is she going to say? What can you do? What would you do?

You got to turn the tables. She should start following all those girls. Does Ana have any rules like this about Instagram drama? Nothing that's said, but I don't follow anyone that like... You've hooked up with before. Yeah. Out of respect to the queen?

Of course. And then... And also I don't know who these people are. Do you know who she follows? I don't. And if you looked through her phone and found out who she followed and it was a bunch of dudes

that she had hooked up with, would you be mad? I would, but I know I'm wrong for being mad about that. And I'm accepting that. Yeah, being jealous is one thing. Acting on your jealousy. And then acting on your jealousy, especially if it's as simple, if it's not even snooping.

It was just unfollowing a bunch of accounts. She can't do anything except fess up. I wonder how many fights are started from that tab that shows you which photos your friends liked on instagram like if you liked only ex-girlfriends photos that'll display in a page on instagram that's like public knowledge right and it advertises it it's like forward facing information which is so weird yeah like instagram i think when they made that they didn't realize they were like a fucking flirty app yeah Yeah. Because then it would be like, Dave liked this girl's photo and this girl's photo and this girl's. Like, that's what it will say. It also does that thing now where like only if you're scrolling through and like you've left a comment on something, it will show me just your comment.

Like, it will show you the comment that's most relevant to you. So like, if Anna's scrolling through a feed and there's like a girl that you both follow and she sees your comment on there. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually happened once before. Not with like someone I knew, but I think it was like some like Victoria's Secret model picture that I liked. And Anna was like, what are you doing? I was like, I don't know.

Like, I don't need to like it. Yeah. Why like it? Yeah. Why do you like it like i don't know like i don't need to like it like yeah why did you like it i don't know sometimes your body just forces a double tap and you get excited than who i follow and what i've liked is if jill ever went and saw what i'd searched for which is also public sexy no it's not public it's not public to anybody except for i mean if you know it's on that tab it goes what you searched for barely legal if you looked at, I mean, if you... No, it's on that tab. It goes what you searched for.

Barely legal. If you looked at my phone... Barely legal. If you press the search button, it like auto-fills all of your previous searches for some reason. Do you want to give us a sneak peek? There should be an Instagram incognito mode. Ooh. Dave, do you want to look at your Instagram most recent searches?

You don't have to. One of mine is Mia Malkova, which is kind of embarrassing. I didn't even look for that. But we shot with her, so that's fine. You just go to search and they... And then what? Oh, it's just people. Yeah.

Got it. Oh, I see. It searches top. So it'll show you hashtags that you search for. Yeah, mine are pretty tame actually. And then there's recents, of course. A lot of basketball players. Right.

I mean, there's always, you know, most of my stuff is like travel and just like new friends I made, random people. But then every once in a while, it's somebody I hooked up with from high school because I want to see what they're up to. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize for that. My search is Jesse Biddle, who's, of course, the Atlanta Braves starting pitcher, fan of Twinnovation, who just followed our Instagram account. Yep, I looked him up when you said that.

He's not a starting pitcher, he's a relief pitcher. Well, he's probably a fan of yours as well. There's nothing wrong with being a relief pitcher. 12.8 ERA. He was just assigned down to AA baseball. No, not my Biddle. Not my Jesse. Biddle coming off the Tommy Johns in 2016.

We wish you well, brother. 6'5", 230, which is what I want to be. I just need to gain 30 pounds of muscle and grow two inches yeah grow two inches that's almost what donald trump says that he how tall and how much he does not say he's six five i thought he says he's six three but he says he's like 240 like jay cutler's side you think trump's our fattest president ever no there wasn't they're like better than taft yeah wasn't that that was 330 yeah ta. Taft, maybe this is,

like, didn't they have to make a special coffin for him because he like... Yeah, he was too fat. Although he's still alive. Really?

Spritely 181, baby. He had a glow up. Who do you think the skinniest president was? Lincoln? Probably Madison, right?

Your boy, who's only 5'4". But that's... Oh, you want another BMI. Lincoln looked super skinny. Yeah, he was

pretty gaunt. Also, six foot five in like the 1860s. Yeah, that was hard to do. If you adjust for height

inflation, what is that? Like we had seven four? Like, yeah. Is that almost like as if Barack Obama

was a seven footer? Yeah, at the very least. It's like if Brandon Ingram was president. I want to answer one more question just in case people get mad at us for only answering two.

Do we only answer two? Here we go. The yellow cum one is a pretty short question. Oh, wait. Just spoiler. Did we even answer that girl's question? What should she do? Would you confess or would you play dumb?

The thing is he's going to get requests from these people again. And then she should look back at his phone in a month to be like, oh, what are the conversations he's now having? Like, why didn't you unfollow me? You're advising her to snoop on fucking more people. Go hard. Lean in. You're jealous. Lean in.

This jealousy needs to be addressed in the relationship, you know, on a greater scale. No way. So I think you might as well fess up and have a conversation. Deny until you die. And if you do deny, I got a tip for you. Steal a phone again, delete everybody. Then it's not like you just delete all my ex-girlfriends. Blame it on the glitch.

Blame it on the glitch. Glick, a-glick, lick alcohol. Give it on the glitch. Glick, a-glick, lick alcohol. You guys are both wrong. Next. Girl's name. One last girl's name.

Quick. Kira. Nice. Kira writes, love the show last girl's name. Quick. Kira. Nice. Kira writes, love the show. Here's the sitch. Nightly. Got it. Kira nicely.

I recently started blowing my boyfriend of five to six months, but when I go to spit, I've noticed his cum is yellow. Oh. Oh, God. I researched this a bit, and I read that this could be caused by health problems or other less serious reasons. So my question is, should I ask him about it? He says he doesn't masturbate a lot, so maybe he doesn't even know it's yellow.

Is he eating a lot of pineapple? I don't know. You think it could be a diet thing? Also, maybe she just has a cold, so she's spitting out like phlegm and loogies. Oh, how dare you cover up for this guy. That's really offensive. Does it taste weird? Would you want to know?

How about that? Remember when Jeffy had the toxic cum? Yeah, yeah, I do. He chipped into a sock and it burnt a hole through it? Essentially. It's not far off.

What is it? Or is it too private? It's probably too private. Wow. We were close, though. But that acid spum. Jeff was a super villain. I have to imagine that if the color is yellow, it's probably a little bit ill, wouldn't you say?

A little sour? A little expired cum? Yeah, like buttermilk? Yeah. Or we really need to know what it tastes like, though. That's sort of a big indicator. So if you can true root us a glass, would you want to know is the question. As a guy, would you want to know that's like, by the way, your cum is yellow?

Or would that be embarrassing and not worth mentioning to you? I'm sure the guy knows what color his cum is. Maybe he doesn't. I think it's always easier to say. You always hide that you've been harboring something. So you have it, you spit it, you say, oh, have you ever hide that you've been harboring something so you you have it you spit it you say oh have you ever noticed that your cum is yellow you've discovered it for the first time then it's casual then you guys can talk about it you don't want to sit down and be

like i've been noticing for the last few weeks that you have yellow cum and it needs to be addressed come again very good that's what she could say to him. Come again? You have to just pretend that it's cash. I think you don't say anything and you just live with this. And now this is your life. I would say I would want to know. I want to know how loud my heart

gets. I want to know how yellow my cum gets. She's drinking a full glass of orange juice before she does. Yolks. That's the problem. It's pulpy too. Are you yoking it or not? We have to know if she's yoking it. But that could, you know, I'm not a doctor or anything, but you know.

You're not? No. But you know, perhaps there could be some type of HPV. You don't know what these things do. Yeah, you might as well be up front. Maybe you guys should both go

to the doctor together and get an STD test. That's always a fun date. Then it comes back and it's like, oh, everything is tip-top shape. Well, all right, did you mention your yellow cum? What? Would you say you're not a doctor,

you just play one on Uber Expresses from West Hollywood to downtown LA? Yeah. All right, thanks for coming on the show, Bedevi. Do you have anything you want to promote before we get the hell out of here? The South By Show, I think there's only a couple dozen tickets left. Wow.

So I want there to be some big-time fans there. You have big plans for this show. Yeah. Is that your own Howdy shirt? Did you make that shirt, or did someone buy it for you? I think someone got it for me. I really like it. Yeah.

You want it? Yeah, I do. 40 bucks. Venmo me 40 bucks to Dave Dash Rosenberg. You're talking to me or the fans? Everyone.

Dave Dash Rosenberg. Not an underscore. It's a dash, folks. Dave Dash Rosenberg. I need help paying rent this month. All right. And also listen to Twinnovation.

That's right. It's actually one of my favorite podcasts. Of course. The one that you're on. Yes. Okay, so your three shout outs are

come to the Austin show, Venmo you $40 for rent, and subscribe to the podcast. Rate and review. Rate and review. Yep. Good show. All right, Dave.

Opening theme song was written by Arp City. Closing one is Cuck Finn. This is our second theme song by Cuck Finn this is our second theme song by Cuck Finn it's a Drake parody so listen for that

come to our shows in Canada and Austin and if you have any questions or theme song submissions that address for everything is if I were you

show at gmail.com we'll be back next week squeak Queek! You know how that shit goes. You know how that shit goes. You know how that shit goes. Send her my package and don't even wrap her. But whoa, this is that nasty pose. She said it's tiny. I told her it's flaccid though.

She know I'm lying. I'm trying not to, but I'm crying all over my phone. Yeah, but you know how that shit goes. They might declare it a holiday as soon as I get to finally boom. Yeah, but you know how that shit goes. I'm unattractive, so they don't want to match it up. They want to pass it up. Whoa.

That's why I'm sending these chickies a pic of my massive hoes. They sent the cops to my house, and I hit them, pretended like nobody's home. But you know how that shit goes. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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