Segments - 317: Secret Honeymoon (w/Geoffrey and Davey!)

Episode Date: March 5, 2018

Friends and loved ones Geoffrey James and Dave Rosenberg join us to discuss pizza, live shows, and the great state of Ohio.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Outro Music Valu-you. Valu-you. Valu-you. Valu-you. Valu-you. Valu-you. Good. Oh, yo, jankin' the mic in the county.

I'm doing lots of jankin'. That's good. Yeah, I could do the third verse, right? Yeah, the mumble verse. Right, it's perfect because if you don't have a rhyme, you just sort of say it. You scat. Yeah. That made them four million dollars. But it's really blurry

cash, so they can't use it. Dave, you said that mumble rap is big? Skrt! I hate that. Mumble rap is huge. Go back to Howdy. Squeak has become Skrt! You've already moved on from the character you created six days ago? That's correct.

That's how fast we're cycling through shit nowadays. What do you know about Mumble Rep? Everything. What do you want to know? Who started it and why? It's a Hotlanta sort of basis. A little bit of Southern Tang, a little bit of Louisiana spirit to it. You don't need to check up on these facts.

But you have heard of it before? Yeah, you know, it's a little bit of that Gucci man. It's a little bit of that trap, trap, trap. Oh, yeah. Gucci man, Gucci man, Gucci man, Gucci man. Yeah, that's Gucci gang. Okay, yeah, so. Yeah.

It's kind of like Drake, too. He, like, raps in, like, a very boring voice. Like, I don't want that, I don't want that. So if you, like, turn up the mumbling on him up to, like, 10, that's right. She said, do you mumble? I tell her. Be mumble. Sit down. I think Migos is, like, a lot of mumbling, too, I think.

And they're pretty big these days. You know, I think it's basically, like like the rap becomes the melody of the song. Oh, as lyrics sort of become the beat. We're definitely the four people to be talking about. That's for sure. That much is clear. We're the foremost aficionados on hip-hop urban culture. Yeah, you heard the way Dave said Hotlanta.

That's enough. What's wrong with the way Dave said Hotlanta. That's enough. What's wrong with the way I say Hotlanta? I guess that's fine compared to the way you say skirt. Well, Jeff and Dave, thanks for coming on the podcast. Two guests for the price of fun. You guys have never met before, is that correct? That's incorrect. We've never locked

eyes, I think. And I guess I'm scared to. I fear what I'll see. or what i won't see that's what scares oh we didn't even say who that was that was the butter boys from ontario canada ontario that's right what are you saying about southern twang got them southern appropriation of culture is what it is right another topic we should be talking about. Says the guy who said skirt.

You're wearing an Indian headdress right now. How, dee folks? All right. Anyway, thanks for that, the Butterboys from Ontario, Canada. They have nothing to shout out? Is Winnipeg or Calgary in Ontario? Do you think you know? Yeah, they're both there.

Is Toronto in Ontario? Yep. Yeah, they're all in the same. All right, so British Columbia is where Vancouver is. And I believe Calgary is. Oh, really? That's not correct. Ontario is Winnipeg.

You don't have to check up on these facts either. Ontario is like a whole region, it looks like. Right. And I think all of Ontario is east of Winnipeg. Oh, shit. Is Winnipeg Alberta? No, it's Manitoba. What the fuck?

Yeah, Calgary is Alberta. And Vancouver is British Columbia. No shit. So our shows are actually three different provinces. Are they three different time zones? Ooh, good question. Canada doesn't have time yeah it hasn't gotten there it's a place where time is not so vancouver is pst this i remember and i think

that um yeah i think there are three different time zones it's central time zone in winnipeg uh mountain time in calgary do they know your schedule next week and the week after uh like how crazy it is oh no I don't think so. Well, when this comes out on Monday, we're going to be in Winnipeg on Tuesday. Yes, when this comes out, we'll be packing our bags for Winnipeg. That's right.

Then from there, we go to Calgary, then Vancouver, then we fly to Austin for South By, and then you come back home to just change over your luggage, and then you go to Israel for 10 days. And then I'll be in Israel. Anyway, but enough about my schedule.

Come see Amir in Tel Aviv. Cash me outside. A loose 13. Stand up for the first time. I'm going to go half English, that means half Hebrew. David, you know what I'm talking about. Israel's having some issues right now. Let's get into it.

Let's get into it. Yeah, Netanyahu is a bit of a Net-N-Wah-Hoo. You can't say that. Three Mossad agents just what's it called with the ropes going down? Yeah, we all saw a mess with the Zohan.

And now you're watching Fauda. Yeah, I am watching Fauda. Clam Fauda. Alright, let's get to some questions. This is an advice podcast. First and foremost, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes we have a friend here.

Today we have two. That's no small joke. And Dave has left Jeff hanging. Oh, he's out. He won't even turn his head. There he is. He was giving him the fist for anyone not watching at home. That's awesome, Dave.

Nice. All right, here's a good one just to get us started, just to get our feet wet. This one is called, Am I Gonna Get Laid? Which is also the subject to every email we receive. Yes, that's the subtext to all of life. Am I Gonna Get laid, writes Jeff. Do you have a fake guy's name? Saunter.

Saunter? Of course. Last name? Crined. Spelled? K-R-A-U-D. I like that. Saunter Crined?

Yes. Last week, writes Saunter. A girl who is in my close... His name is spelled, sorry. His name is spelled like Saunter, Kront. Like it should, K-R-A-U, it looks like it should rhyme, or at least be, but it's not. It's Crined? Crined.

And it's not a silent N, but it's pronounced and not in the spelling. Hmm? Hmm? H-N question mark? Exactly right. Last week, a girl who's in my close friend circle told me that she thought I was cute and has had a crush on me since high school. I don't mind at all.

And in fact, I was really flattered. She's a gosh darn dime piece. So it was a great boost of confidence going into the rest of the week. The biggest obstacle, however, the biggest obstacle, however, is that she lives three states away. We've been talking a lot more since she told me that and we came to agree on a weekend that we could go to a semi-halfway point, spend some time together.

She was into the idea and recommended that we get stoned, watch the new season of Twin Peaks together in an Airbnb. Hot, right? So my question is, am I going to get laid? The signs feel like it can happen,

but I don't want to be a dick and overstep my bounds with a friend. Thank you. Love, Santer, last name? Crimpton. Whatever.

Who says I can't get stoned? Booking Airbnb in loans. What is that? He doesn't have the cash for the B&B. He needs to get at the very least. What is that to the tune of? Who Says by John Mayer. Now, finally, I would have known why Georgia Y and that's it.

Or maybe neon. Yeah. What do you guys think? Am I going to get laid? Yes. It seems like you will, right? What do you guys think? Am I going to get laid? Yes It seems like you will It's essentially inviting you To a motel

To get high and do drugs And watch television To get high and do drugs? There could be LSD in the mix too Why do you think that? Because we eat a gateway drug LSD at a VRBO. Nice.

How's that for a first date, man? Get my DS'd on LSD in an Airbnb. I'm on acid and on Trivago. We just get a quaint little mountain house somewhere? The price was matched and I'm in her snatch. Meaning you didn't get the Airbnb? We didn't get the Airbnb and I didn't get laid.

Very fair. Two bedrooms, two dime bags. I am belched the story. What do you guys think? I feel weird. I think he'll be resting her face between her twin peaks. Nice. That was really good.

Yeah, thank you. So here's what I would say. I think that he's right to say that the signs are looking good. Yeah. But you never want to. It sounds like a date. Like, you can make the leap from like, oh, we're friends to, oh, this sounds sort of like a date. But not like, hey, we're friends to, I'm going to go fuck this girl.

Yeah, maybe she's not thinking about that yet. Well, she says she has a crush and then she's asking him to come meet her at like a place. I think they'll smooch. To do drugs and watch TV? It sounds like a first date. They're romantically inclined.

You never know what's going to happen on a first date. It could go fine. A sleepover first date? An overnight first date? They should have had a sleepover. They're getting stoned during the day at an Airbnb. So they're going to an Airbnb for a couple hours and not sleeping there?

They could. One and a half states away. I think your instinct to temper his expectations is right and good. Thank you. And I'll give you daps for that. Thank you. It sounds like there's a butt coming.

Butt. No. No, no, no. Ant. Speaking from experience, I think when she reached out to him told her him this went out on a limb because what did she have to lose they don't go to high school and together anymore they live three states away correct so it's like i'm just gonna tell him that i'm into

him and then whatever happens happens but because of that i think why what she doesn't want to date him she doesn't want to date him three states away oh so you're saying this is this sound this has like the tones of a booty call rather i think first date. I think she's booty calling him. So I think he's almost right. I mean, not to assume that it's going to happen, but like you're not going to date somebody from high school when you live in three states away. And you don't meet in the middle for a first date and then part your ways. It sounds like she could be super lonely because I wouldn't go a state and a half away to get – actually, no. Yes, you would.

You absolutely would. I definitely – I've done worse. Yes. What's the longest you've traveled for a first date? For a first... I mean, just to fuck, I think I've probably... Six hours in a car. Six hours.

Taking a flight. Christ. When you drove down to James Madison to give me an over-the-pants handjob. I appreciate it. An over-the-pants handjob? I appreciate it. An over-the-pants, under-the-radar handjob. So I think that you can reasonably expect that this is more than friends and it's romantic, but you can't reasonably expect anything beyond that.

Who knows what kind of pace that future is. Yeah, well, I don't know what you're trying to say. Can we say definitely smooching and then she'll see how it goes from there? You could always blow it. So I don't even think you can expect smooching. But you can definitely expect that you're walking into a potentially romantic situation. Is Twin Peaks sort of like a sexy romantic sci-fi show?

Is there like elements of like, has anyone here seen the show or not? I've seen episodes, but not of the new version. Yeah, I'm wondering if like, because she said Twin Peaks, so they must have talked about this show in the past. I mean, she's literally invited him to Netflix and chill. Yes. That is what it is. Well, at the very least, they're going to sleep together. That's the most.

Well, no, not have sex, but they at least are in the same bed. You think, oh, because they're going to get stoned and have a nap. They're going to stay the night. They're not going to drive to and from. I still think that there's a chance to stay the day. He didn he didn't say anything a day date that's a state and a half way if you're three states away does that mean there's two states in between you two or does that mean there's three

states in between it also fucking depends on the states frankly because if he's if he's in minnesota driving to idaho or whatever then it's that's i'm serious she's in seattle he's in san diego yeah that's two states away yes but like it's not three states away what if uh she's in alaska and he's in arizona he's in connecticut and she's in uh massachusetts then that's easy you meet in province the providence and it's uh or oh you know what newport there's some really cute little beach yeah i'm on on Airbnb right now. They're not for sure there. I just am really going to suggest you guys check out Newport. Newport, Rhode Island.

All right, final advice is what? That's my unsolicited advice this week, too. What is it? Your final advice is to go there not expecting anything. That's my advice to going every single day. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. But I think you're correct to assume that this is potentially romantic. Proceed with caution and optimism. And does anybody disagree with that? I'm staring at you, Dave.

No, Jake's completely right. Don't expect anything. You can't expect anything of anyone. But make sure she pays her fair share of that Airbnb. Habsies down the middle. We're going Dutch and Danish country. I would just say be prepared but don't expect anything so don't expect it from a mental standpoint but be prepared physically i'm

talking dental dams i'm talking strawberry lubricant she gets a peek at his overnight bag um actually my netflix subscription ran out i have to go go back to Idaho now. And then with that bit of advice, would you say, would you bet on him getting laid or not? If I were a betting man, which I am, I would bet on him getting laid. Anybody want to take that bet? We can email this guy. That seems like it has a bunch of things that I don't want to get involved in. All right, Dave's taking the bet. Awesome.

What are the stakes? It's actually toxic masculinity at its worst. I don't want to be any part of it. That's it at its worst? Yeah. It doesn't get worse than betting on two strangers and whether or not they'll have sex. She's all that? Have you ever seen that?

Yeah, I have. With Freddie Prinze? Yeah. Senior? They bet on the ugly girl getting hot again i guess everyone won in that situation i feel like that couldn't get made today that seems like yeah imagine going into a room and pitching that to a bunch of executives yeah that'd be stupid yeah but she's like fucking ugly and she has glasses and overalls it's amy pascal i call that pitch a penguin

because that shit wouldn't fly today well it did but that does that but penguins used to fly yeah penguins used to fly exactly right thanks for fucking explaining exactly flight nice exactly nice uh all right here's another one uh dave do you have a female's name uh cherry last name uh poppers so this is a stripper i'm assuming um how dare you share it cherry don't talk about my fictional name like that and don't talk about toxic masculinity. Ever again. My fiancé and I are getting married this summer in August. It's Jill.

And I'm planning our honeymoon. I've told him that we're going... No, that's not Jill. I've told him we're going on a road trip to Portland and Seattle, and I've told him that it's all booked, and I've made reservations for different activities. Except that it's all lies. I've actually booked a trip to New York City, baby.

My question is, how should I tell him that we're going to New York? He keeps telling me how excited he is to go down to Portland and Seattle. So I feel like I should tell him sooner rather than later because I don't want to get too excited about this road trip. Or should I keep it a secret until the actual wedding? If you do end up reading this, I should warn you that he does listen to your podcast religiously, so it's possible that he'd find out through you two. Any suggestions on where to go in New York? Thanks for your advice.

So the advice, he already knows now, right? He does know. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Also, that last part, the advice she's seeking is where should we go in new york right now i had to tell him or if this was a good idea that's right her telling yeah the problem is so congrats you're going to new york city the problem as i see it is that the fool the the the the trick fake trip uh might be better than the real one she has planned so like when she pulls that switch on him he might be be genuinely bummed. Well, that's only to you

who spent too much time in New York. But maybe to this guy too. What if they're from Manitoba and they've never been anywhere? Yeah, it does say go down to Portland, Seattle. So I assume it's coming from a Canadian town. So it's like we're gonna go to Portland and Seattle for the first time or New York for the first time.

I think that there's a believable argument on either side that one is better than the other. Yeah, but not one is objectively better than the other. What are you talking about? New York is objectively better. New York is the center of fashion, the economy, food, cinema. Cinema? Yeah, cinema.

New York is the center of cinema? That's correct. That's the one thing that LA has over it. Hollywood, New York. Music. 33rd and 4th. Pop culture. What about Hotlanta?

Advertising. All right, so. Yeah, let's go to the center of advertising. You're my madman, baby. So would you say she should spoil the surprise at this point or just keep it going? No, I think if she had the inclination to surprise him with New York, then it must mean that he would be equally excited about New York.

That's a dangerous surprise, the honeymoon surprise, because there's some planning that has to go into it. Would you ever consider surprise honeymooning? I would consider a surprise honeymoon, but I would not consider a fake-out honeymoon. Yeah, it's like a pay-in switch, which is different than a surprise. Oh, then a surprise honeymoon but i would not consider a fake out honey yeah it's like a pay and switch which is different than a surprise oh then surprise is like don't let's not plan any or i'm not going to tell you what the plan is but you're going to be surprised it probably depends

on like what kind of person the the fiance is though like is he a guy that gets super into like restaurant research and like is there's a problem if they're going to Portland and Seattle and doing a road trip, and this guy has researched national parks and breweries. Yeah, he's psyching himself up. And he's bought a camera to take pictures of all the beautiful foliage around. A foliage camera. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're like, and we're going to New York.

The weather's also different. The concrete jungle, folks. Yeah. We're going to Bushwick instead, baby. It's still a dangerous city. People think it's safe. It's not. Why is it not?

If you look at a map of the gangs in New York, there's a ton of gangs in Manhattan. You're fear-mongering. You're fear-mongering. That's not true. They're going to New York for that. That's not true. You can get hurt in New York, dude. No, don't fuck around with Brooklyn still, yo.

My brother lives in Brooklyn. What up, Jeff? What up, Jeff? Sorry. with Brooklyn still, yo. My brother lives in Brooklyn. What up, Jeff? What up, Jeff? Sorry, don't fuck with Brooklyn because your brother Jeff lives in a really nice railroad apartment in Williamsburg.

It's dangerous. And there's gangs in New York. It's not dangerous. It is. Williamsburg, some parts. Not the Lorimer stop. Not the Lorimer stop, buddy. Anyway, I'm sorry for

editing. You lived on the Upper East Side. I also lived in spanish harlem for a year and it got it was scary it got dicey in that gristitis um so this guy probably already knows right at this point whether she's told him or he's finding out now for the first time yeah surprise you're going to new york city Where should you go in New York in August? I would take a cruise around the Statue of Liberty. Oh, that's nice. Three hours, potentially a nighttime one with an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Mostly pasta. A shitload of Italian food in a small little boat. And go to Brooklyn Ball. It's a great spot. And that's pretty much it. That's it? And then head back to Brooklyn.

I guess there's museums, actually. Being in a boat and being in Brooklyn is like not even, so you're not even telling them to go into Manhattan at all. Well, because of the gangs. Yeah. Down near Ludlow,

that's real bad. And Staten Island, take the ferry there, spend the day in Staten Island. Take the ferry there. Spend the day in Staten Island. See the Godfather House and then call it a trip. What do you think

someone should do? One should do in New York City. I like the, I've never done it, but I hear good things about the pizza tour because it has the best

pizza in New York. You're pushing your friend's pizza tour. Yeah. You better get a kickback on that. Maybe we will. Go check out my brother's railway apartment. friend's pizza tour. That's what's happening. Yeah, you better get a kickback on that. Maybe we will. Go check out my brother's railway apartment.

It's pretty cool. He'll make you a dish. What's the address there? That's one. Don't. I'll bleep it out. He'll do it. One Main Street, Brooklyn, New York.

He'd love to have you, though. And he's a great cook. I think walking over the Brooklyn Bridge is cool for people that have never been there. Oh, the High Line? That's a good park. Oh, yeah. And do the city bikes. Yeah, rent the bikes and bike over the Williamsburg Bridge, right?

All right. Jeff, do you have anything to add to this now New York tourism podcast that we're hosting for some reason? My favorite pizza spot is by FIT on like 27th Street. It's a dollar slice place that's pretty good. Two Brothers. Your favorite pizza spot is a place that's pretty good well i don't like pizza your favorite pizza spot well now my my favorite pizza spot is here what is it new york it's called pizzana it's in brentwood it's really fucking good jonathan gold says it's more authentic than some pizza he's had in italy holy shit yeah no it's really fucking good. Jonathan Gold says it's more authentic than some pizza he's had in Italy. Holy shit.

Yeah. No, it's really good. It sounds impossible. I went there like a month ago. It was amazing. Cool. All right. Let's take-

No, the best- Everyone has to say their favorite pizza spot in New York now. My favorite pizza spot? Yeah. In New York? Yeah. City? Yeah.

Grimaldi's in Brooklyn. Mine is Vinny's in Williamsburg. Vinny's is not good pizza. Yes, it is. It's a drunk pizza. It is. It's in Williamsburg. Vinny's is not good pizza. Yes, it is. It's drunk pizza. It is. Have you ever had it sober? Yes, I've had it sober many times,

and it's fucking delicious. Their crust is good. Their crust. I'm not even talking. Everyone's favorite part. You know the part people throw away? Are the paper plates good? People fucking love crust.

Crust is not the same as a paper plate. It's discarded. It's trash. It's garbage. I eat the crust. You don't eat the crust? I eat the crust too, actually. But a lot of people don't.

Dave, do you eat the crust? I don't think it's a lot of people. I think you're wrong there. The crust is the part I like least on the pizza. I'm more of a tip guy. I just bite the tips of pizzas. Which is why you're starting that pizza tip restaurant. The whole entire,

the rest of the pizza is the crust. Just the tip. Now, this is my question to you guys. Do you do the fold? I'm a fold. I'm a folder. I'm a folder. Yeah.

You never... No. Because folding is like your own tasting... It reduces the pizza in half. It's like a sandwich in that regard, though. You should fold it the other way.

Somehow that makes me feel better about eating it. Why? Like, in my mind, a grilled cheese is healthier than a slice of pizza. Why? Hmm? Huh?, a grilled cheese is healthier than a slice of pizza. Why? Huh?

And a lasagna is the most healthy one of all. Lasagna is just pasta cake. Which sounds good. Hot take. Wait, what's your favorite pizza? I liked artichoke when I was... Wow, that is a thick, creamy slice. Soupy pie. I like my pizza. It does say a lot about all of our personalities. Yeah, you are an artichoke thick, creamy slice. Soupy pizza. I like my pizza. I like to eat all my food

It does say a lot about all of our personalities. Yeah, you are an artichoke slice. You're thick and creamy. Every food could be a soup if you think about it. Yeah, I guess if you blend it. Yeah.

Yeah. Milk could even be a soup. This is the happiest I've seen you since I've been eating soup. A mushroom creamy milk soup. Yeah, that is what artichoke is. All right. Let's take a break.

We'll thank some sponsors. And we'll come back with some unsolicited advice. Skrt! Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Jeffrey James, what is your... Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Friends, this is... Well, let me start off with a theory. Actually, we're out of time.

Thank you so much. Now hear me out. Because it's going to sound like a far-fetched idea. A far-fetched high-dea. Dave loves it already. Sounds like a cry-dea to me. Baby Davey style. I truly believe that we are entering a new jazz age.

Mumble jazz. Scat of sorts. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Now think about it. The original jazz age happened in the 20s, right? Fresh off the heels of a war. I don't know. And we're currently coming off, and I believe this,

that the war on Christmas is ending this year, right? We're saying Christmas. So you're comparing the war on Christmas to World War I? You're saying Christmas in, what, March? I already know what I'm going to be for Halloween. What is it? Donald Duck in a suit. How is that related to Christmas?

It isn't. It's unrelated, but I plan in advance. So the war on Christmas is ending this year. What's your advice? We're fresh off the heels of that war. Okay. All right? Sure.

Thinking about the Me Too movement the empowerment of women. Uh huh. In the 20s there was the empowerment of women, the rise of companionate marriages, right? There's also lots of other wars going on just besides the war on Christmas. There's the war in Iraq. Those are We already mentioned the Israel thing. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. Real wars basically.

What affects us in this room? Yemen Christmas. What? I'm big into Yemen. I'm sorry'm big into Yemen. I'm sorry you opened this up. The phenomena of the new woman arose in the 1920s, right? I don't know. You keep saying right. Women being more independent, being obsessed with consumerism.

Okay. And now here we are approaching 2020, right? A century later. Yes. Yeah. And all of a sudden we need to be prepared we need to start we need to start preparing for a jazz age that's the advice that we need to prepare for a jazz go to that party i'm kind of with them on this text that girl and don't don't think twice about it

don't think what she's doing it do i seem desperate just text her and live free we're entering a new jazz age gentlemen and i'll be damned if I'm not Gatsby. These are... You are... Okay. I'm actually fucking into it. That was good. That was impassioned.

It's the roaring 20s. Absolutely. And it's also... I mean, after this administration, you know, it's going to be more carefree. I remember the Obama years. I didn't think about politics. That's right. So 2020.

Yes. you're telling people in 2020 they'll get to be happy again they'll get to be happy they'll get to throw large parties champagne and all and what can they do if your advice is that things are going to start being really fun yes in the 20s absolutely be prepared buy a new suit a donald duck suit if you will i'm throwing an oscars party on sunday i guess yesterday when the time this comes out yep all right congratulations to three billboards right wow you're going for it that could either be as like jeff called the shot or jeff was sarcastic no i think it's gonna win okay and i'm serious about this it's my working theory and i

i am on the record now i wanted to do this so they would be on the record i truly believe we're entering a new jazz age so do you think that jazz music is coming back or you're thinking just like the vibe it already has look at who's the most enigmatic star right now. Frank Ocean? That's jazz. Jazz rap. Is he the most enigmatic star? Jazz rap. Rex Orange County, there's jazz there. Wolfpack, there's funk and jazz there. I think a lot of people

forget in terms of like the dating scene that going to jazz clubs is like that's how you go on dates. Exactly. That's how adults go on dates. Continental club style. Oh, good. And that brings me to my final point.

People are hooking up off their phones, dude. What? Bumble and all. Bubble style. I met my girlfriend on the lead, right? Okay. The LinkedIn of dating apps. Is that good?

Jazz. I, is this a safe place? I don't like jazz. What? The LinkedIn of dating apps. Is that good? Jazz. I... Is this a safe place? I don't like jazz. What? I think it's like... I think people that don't like jazz haven't listened to enough jazz. No, I've listened to lots of jazz.

It doesn't take... Louis Armstrong? Doesn't do anything. Ella Fitzgerald. Love her. No, I do not like jazz. That's interesting. I mean, like, I like it as much as I like country music, which is this thing.

I can, like, listen to it and appreciate why somebody might like it, but be like, this, to me, doesn't sound like anything. That's valid. I guess I should not equate jazz and country music, though, because I think jazz is objectively more influential and interesting than country music. Maybe it's more like jazz and I honestly can't think of another kind of music that I don't like. To me, Dixie, I grew up listening to... My first record that I bought was Louis Armstrong. Or Hello Dolly.

So I grew up on Dixieland style, New Orleans jazz. I wish... My parents, it seemed like they were on a mission to make me not cool. I grew up listening to Billy Joel. That's awesome. Well, that's me. But it makes me a very, very not like.

My first CD was The G Code by Juvenile. The G Code? What songs are on that? What songs are on that? Back That Ass Up. Back That Ass Up might be on 400 Degrees, which is also a Juvenile album.

So, Jess' first CD was Louis Armstrong's and yours was Juvenile's Back That Ass Up. Can I see both of your wallets? I've actually cleaned out my wallet. Really? Yeah. Actually, I'm missing my credit card because I left it at Blind Barber. Wow. All right, so Jeff's got the...

You left it at Blind Barber? That was last week. Yeah, but I mean, it's tough to go to Highland Park from USC. All right. So Jeff's got the... You left it at Blind Barber? That was last week? Yeah. But I mean, it's tough to go to Highland Park from USC. Yeah, good man. I actually don't have my wallet on me. Oh, right. Dave left his wallet in his vest downstairs. I left it in the Uber Pull Express. $4. $4 this morning. Really? Just so everybody knows, though, Jeff has a very sleek... What would you call this? An ExoWallet? The minimalist?

Yeah. Card holder. Oh, yeahet? The minimalist card holder. Oh yeah, it's a card holder. It's outward facing. Meanwhile, Dave, your wallet's not here, but I do know that it is so thick that you don't have it in your pocket. It doesn't fit in your pocket. I got a lot of business cards. Why?

That I'm not handing out. Oh, your business cards. Yeah, that's right. You have a lot of your business cards. That's correct. Twinnovation Labs. With a Z at the end. It's a fellowship. Founder of the David. That's an idea.

The Twinnovation Fellowship. Yeah. We're already working on it. Fostering young talent. Yes. Oh, yeah. Very young talent. You guys should adopt orphans.

Talent in quotation marks. What? I was just saying that it's not. Huh? It wouldn't actually be talented people that would apply to this. What do you mean? Orphans can't be talented? That's what he said.

That's how he did it. Your toxic masculinity is bleeding through. Who do you think would win in a fight? Speaking of toxic masculinity, you, Amir, or Dave? Me? What are you talking talking about why would amir even be in the running i have so much anger behind my eyes people don't understand well there's been amir's been working out yeah but i'm not saying i have that i was born from hate you have said your bane yeah i have pain so deep in me that i think i could pull out a mare's throat if I wanted to. Take his

Adam's apple. I've been sharpening the ends of my fingertips with that. I hate that. I don't want that. A, to learn how to play the mandolin, and B, to be able to crush his throat. We're doing a show together at South By, right? Saturday. Twinnovation and

If I Were You. If we sell out, which we're dangerously close to, you can kill me on stage. End of the show, you lift me up and do a Mortal Kombat fatality. Well, I'm doing the arm wrestling. I'm doing the Nick Rad arm wrestling. Right.

Wait, so are you trained for that? How do you feel? I feel pretty good right now. Which arm are you doing, right? I think we're going gonna do four out of seven alternating each arm, because I'm actually stronger in my left arm than my right arm, even though I'm right-handed. Interesting.

I can't tell you why, but I am. We all know it's masturbating, but yeah. Right-left, right-left, until somebody's won four? I guess. It seems like arm wrestling is pretty objective. Like, if you lose one pretty handily, I don't see you coming back.

Yeah, maybe it's two out of three alternately. No, I like the seven game series. I mean, I like the idea of endurance as well as strength. That's true. Which is where you might get Nick. Yeah. A marathon, not a sprint. Should we take the over-under here? How many games? I think Nick takes it in four. Yeah, so four and a half

is the over-under. And you go under four and a half games. You think Nick's going to win every one? Yes. Amir, you do as well? I say I'll give you one. Maybe you win your first lefty. The only thing I could imagine is Nick throwing a couple to make it interesting and building up the hush. I don't get why he's good at this.

I don't get it. You're wrestling him. I don't get it either. But you've never won and you've also never come close and every time he arm wrestles you,

he kind of laughs. So like... I guess that's why I'm angry. I might take... Wow, I've never seen you admit that. So that was a cool moment.

I might take the underdog Dave in seven. Wow. Dave in seven. I'll throw the match. 2016 NBA Finals style. Yeah. Maybe he'll get suspended for game five and now to come back and steal it. I'll throw the match. 2016 NBA Finals style. Yeah. Maybe he'll get suspended for game five,

mount to come back and steal it. I did just, I'm worried though, because Jeff, Mike, and I sort of have this plan. Yeah. And I bought this costume yesterday, and I'm worried that they're tricking me into wearing a costume, and that the rest of them aren't going to wear anything. You can't let that affect you. You've got to embrace it. And and i'm gonna look like a jackass walking onto stage in a costume but i

mean you guys all walk out together the costumes like kind of much like it was card out texted me yesterday like oh you get that i'm not gonna say what it is yeah but it's like oh did you you are saying a lot yeah uh so i this costume. Have you worn diapers on stage before? Have you put pantyhose on your face? This might be a little bit intense. That's worse. Last year, Jeff ripped jeans off and revealing jorts. Yeah, for sure.

That was awesome. It was awesome, yeah. The way you're describing it, I see like you're dressing up as Hitler or something. No. You seem nervous. I'm a little nervous. I'm just nervous that they're going to fucking, they're throwing me under the bus there.

I think they're planning a big joke on me, getting me to buy this costume. Dave is nervous about being embarrassed on stage. Meanwhile, two years ago, you tried to chug a gallon of milk on stage. I didn't try to. I did. No, you didn't.

You did like three sips. That's not true. That's not true. You banged your knee on the way up, injured yourself, couldn't finish a gallon of milk, and then limped off stage. And you're worried that this show will embarrass you? I guess you're right. Anyway, you can kill me, and you can watch that after our show.

All right, let's answer one last question. This one's a short one, but we thought it would be apropos, which is the subject... Oh, wait. Jeff, do you have a guy's name? Yeah. How about UFO, but it doesn't stand for what you think. Those are his initials. Oh, got it. So, like, Ulysses Ford Oliver.

Wrong. It's Albright. Frontal. Got it. Oral. Alright, I have to shake that off. UFO writes, any chance of coming to Ohio in the next four years? Asking for a friend. Asking for a fiend. You've been angling for us to do a show in Cleveland, right? I think the time is this summer.

This summer? Yes, because somebody actually posted on the subreddit, they were like, when are you coming to the Midwest? Oh, that's good. So we don't have to do the full Rust Belt tour, but I say we do a one-off Cleveland show. One-off, like not even go to Chicago. I mean, we could go to Chicago for fun.

Here's my idea. Let's do it the day LeBron leaves. So when is free agency? July 1st. I don't want to do it anymore. We'll do a show. And if he stays, the whole city's going to be abuzz.

It's going to be a fucking awesome atmosphere. LeBron's back, Jake and Amir, maybe Jeff, Dave, whoever the fuck will do a show there. He leaves, people are, I don't know, burning his jersey again, or that's not going to be the case? I think if he left, I, as a Clevelander, born and raised, would be fine. I'd be sad, but I wouldn't be upset.

No more burning jersey. He delivered the championship that was promised. He delivered on his promise, and raised, would be fine. I'd be sad, but I wouldn't be upset. No more Bernie jersey. He delivered on his promise. And also, like, it's a lot of stress with this shit. Because it's like, if it was just Kyrie's team, then it's like, there's no real pressure. I don't care. I mean, I'd love for them to win the championship, but if they don't, it's fine. But now it's like, I'm so invested in the LeBron-Jordan debate that I'm like, he's got to win this one. And I hate the Warriors.

And I'm buddies with Steve Kerr's son. I'm sorry for in the LeBron Jordan debate that I'm like, he's got to win this one. And I hate the Warriors. And I'm buddies with Steve Kerr's son. I'm sorry for opening up this box. I say we do a show in Cleveland. Yeah. The day of free agency. Like July 8th? Yeah, I think it's the first week of July.

It's July 1st, but like he probably decides within a week. Yeah, he won't make his decision right away because he likes to hold fucking teams. It definitely depends how they do in the playoffs. That's true. We're back in the finals already, though. i mean i'm a i'm a nicks fan what do you want me to talk about you want me to talk about basketball no i'm just saying will you do a show in cleveland with us if if christophe's porzingis is there that i absolutely will not or how about this first have a uh friend's wedding that day okay never mind fair uh we'll do a show on the first half of a friend's wedding that day. Okay, never mind. Fair. We'll do a show in Cincinnati in August then.

Oh, Sabo would be happy. Oh, shit, though. You know what? The week, any, like from July 9th through the 13th. That's my sister's wedding. Really? The 7th. I can't believe we're planning.

Oh, shit. Really? Edit that out. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about it. All right. It's my sister's I'm allowed to talk about it. All right. It's my sister's birthday, by the way, today. Not the day that this comes out, but I'm going to give her a shout out right now. Got it. Also Bieber's.

And you think she'll listen to this? Maybe. What's her name again? Sarah. Sarah. Yeah. She lives in my hometown. She lives in, she splits her time between New Haven and like across the street from

the old college humor office. So like. That's crazy. Yeah the old college humor office. So like. That's crazy. Yeah. Following in your footsteps. Um, all right. We sat on the same seat on the Metro North. Oh, that's creepy.

Should we try to answer one last question? Of course. Um, all right. This one is from a lady. J, Dave, why don't you give us a lady's name? Uh, uh, Lassie. Lassie. I like that.

Classy Lassie. Classy Lassie. Right. Classy Lassie. Classy L lassie classy lassie right classy lassie i have classy lassie nice all right are you guys ready nasty no we have a couple more lassie things nasty lassie i have a huge crush on my younger brother's best friend nice hot that is fuck yeah that's the goddamn dream. That's hot, yeah. How many young brother's friends, like, dream that this email is being written about them? Well, shout out to your sister. She has a younger brother. Maybe she has a crush on one of your best friends. Doubtful. All my friends are fugly.

I keep it that way on purpose. Along with his green eyes, I'm a sucker for his charming and funny personality. I realized I was into him when he was 19 and I was 24 and I've been ignoring these feelings for five years. I see him a few times a week and we all go to the beach together regularly. This is written by the friend. This is written, this is fanfic written by the guy.

He, we go to the beach regularly? He and I became close over the years and confide in each other, sometimes even meet for drinks without anyone else coming along. In both sober and alcohol-fueled environments, I've noticed what seems like sexual tension between us, and sometimes I think like he's flirting, but I'm never positive. I'd have made a move a long time ago if the situation weren't so nuanced.

He's younger than me, our families are close, and we share a lot of mutual friends. If I'm rejected, it'll ruin our friendship plus I'd be embarrassed and he'd definitely tell my brother who'd get upset if he's into it

my brother would be really upset and it would cause a rift between us and also between him and his friend so should I go for it or should I leave this alone

and secretly pine forever love classy lassie classy lassie I am sweaty that is that was hot it seems like Pine forever. Love. Classy, classy. Classy, classy. I am sweaty. That was hot. It seems like it's just, she only told us the both options

and both of them came with negative consequences. Like if I fail, my brother would be mad. But if it succeeds, then my brother will be really mad. Right. But is it worth it? Yes. Yeah.

It's only worth it if you get married. Wrong. That's not true. if you get married. Wrong. That's not true. What if he gets pissed and then you just date him for three weeks and then your brother's mad at you forever? Do the secret relationship. That way everything works out. Keeping it secret has the benefits of adding that sultry secret agent to it. Your brother used to say to me,

keep it secret, keep it safe. Yeah. No, you guys are so fucking shady. It helps your pair. You furtive little Rosenbergs are all, you always have fucking secrets. A secret relationship is so much sexier. Do it in the open. No.

I'm not saying tell the brother beforehand, but tell him early. No. Tell him early. Jeff dated your sister for how long without you knowing? I don't think it was that long. It was. Exactly. It was a couple weeks, and it was bad, but it's not as bad as it could have been.

What do you mean? If he had done it for a year and then told me, I would have been pissed. But it's sexy. It's secret. I don't begrudge them having their secret sexy thing for a little bit. Do I have to say anything more? Secret villain. Secret subplot.

It's like you're cheating on your significant other without doing it. Once you have a sense of where it's going to go, you have to tell the brother. No. Lie. Until the wedding. Just have a secret, fun, secret relationship. That's nice. That way no one has to know.

And if it doesn't work out, you don't have to be embarrassed. Nah. Look, I'm somewhere in between you two. Because I think they're already meeting for drinks and going to the beach. They're already like emotionally dating. Like not dating, going steady, but like going on emotional dates. I'm with that.

So just like if they should fuck and then it's like if they want it to go further, then they tell the brother. But if they just want it to be on the low key, I think it's better that he doesn't know. Yeah. What's the brother's, what do you think the brother's name is? Vaughn. What Vaughn he doesn't know. Yeah. What's the brother's, what do you think the brother's name is?

Vaughn. What Vaughn he doesn't know won't hurt him. Vaughn he doesn't know. But she's also worried about making the first move, right? Because it can be embarrassing if she gets turned down.

Yeah, but I mean, as long as, reading the situation right here, you're safe to make the first move. If I haven't worked with you before, I'm not just going to just gonna get a drink with you yeah do guys ever get drinks with girls that they're not interested in oh actually yeah i do you do i've never done that i have a lot of like close girlfriends yeah but like that you met in such a situation would you like just chill out hang out get a drink with a lady this is also not even a friend thing. This is like if your older sister's friend

wanted to get a drink with you. Ooh, have you ever done that? No. Yeah, that's like I wouldn't do it unless I was into them. That is weird. Yeah, definitely. You have an older sister. Right.

Have you ever gotten a drink with one of her friends? No, but I did try. I was 14. an older sister. Right. Have you ever gotten a drink with one of her friends? No. But I did try. I was 14. I did. She was 23. I also have younger sisters. And that one's

a different story. That one's a lot more complicated. But you have gotten a drink with some of their friends. Yeah. Good man.

And was it completely platonic and didn't mean anything? Of course. Not platonic, but it did not mean anything. That's toxic masculinity at its finest. Oh, that's just, that's not fair. That's the other, that's the name of the podcast you're starting, right? It is. Thank you for shouting out my patcast. What's a patcast?

The Patreon podcast. what's a patcast the patreon podcast our uh toxic masculinity with the dolphin with the dolphin's hunt oh yeah toxic masculinity with the dolphin's hunt that was a character i created it incorrectly so i shouldn't have done that can you do a little bit of the character uh welcome to the hunt zone with a dolphin's hunt Dolphus Hunt. Pew! Mom, I'm coming! He's always coming. I'm with Jeff. You can safely assume that this can get sexual, and you don't have to tell your brother until you know what's going on. So a half secret of sorts.

A half secret of jorts. At first. Of shorts. Of shorts. All right, cool. That's it. That's ourorts. At first. Of Schwartz. Of Schwartz. All right, cool. That's it. That's our episode. Thanks for coming on the show.

Thanks for advising. Thanks for emailing in. If you have your own questions or theme songs, it's all getting sent to ifireashow at gmail.com. Once again, we're hitting the road this week. We're going to be in Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver, and Texas. The classic one, two, three, and then four in Texas move. We're skipping over a lot of states. We're three states away.

Question two, the people can make it up to their fiance switching the honeymoon by, it seems like they're in Canada, go to one of the shows. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice.

Come to a show. So instead of New York, you fucking go to Winnipeg. Also, I realized that first song, it reminded me of the, you know the Drake song, like, why you always hate?

Yeah, please, please, why you always hate. All right, anyway, that first song, it reminded me of the Drake song, like, Why You Always Hating. Yeah, please, please, why you always hating. All right, anyway, that's all. Opening one with the Butterboys. Closing one is What the Tuck. His name is Tucker. He's 16, and he's been a hardcore fan for a long time. His SoundCloud's called What the Tuck. So thanks, Tuck, for writing in.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Later. Jake in the mirror. Jake in the beach. Duke in the booth. for listening. We'll be back next week. Later. in your life house is on fire or your dog is your wife two dudes can help you but listen clear with your luck it'll have to be Jake and Amir yeah

the show where all your wildest dreams can come true but not really the If I Were You podcast show it's time to seize the The If I Were You Podcast Show It's time to seize the cheese Let's do a fucking flipbook animation, dude, man. I want to make it look like the ball's bouncing up and down.

Am I your friend, dude? Yeah, what? Am I your friend, Serge, man? I like you, dude. I think you're marrying me, man. Marry me, dude. I think you know me, man. Twitter me, sir. Take and appear Yes, do That was a Hate Gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.