Segments - 319: 6-Way Kiss (Live in Austin, TX!)

Episode Date: March 15, 2018

Live from SxSW it's "If I Were You!" We discuss sexiling, sexting, and sexy potato chips.Thanks to SiriusXM for sponsoring the digital release of this Bonus Thursday episode! Don’t forget to thank them by using the URL siriusxm.com/headgum where you can get two months free with no obligations.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only This episode of If I Were You Live From Austin is brought to you by Sirius XM Radio

You guys get to hear us talk about how insane The Twinnovation show was on this episode And that's thanks to Sirius And thanks to, I guess, Dave Amazing happens here all the time With over 150 channels of commercial free music Plus sports talk, comedy, entertainment News and more

It's time to start exploring with SiriusXM Heyo And right now you can try it for two months With no obligation by visiting SiriusXM.com slash headgum Again that's SiriusXM.com Slash headgum Easy

Let's start the show Okay Wow there goes our intro music XM.com slash head gum. Easy. Let's, uh, let's start the show. Okay. Wow. There goes our intro music. Very good. Perfect. Perfect. The stage is so fucking foul.

Yeah. And if you think this is bad, you should see the green room where they all changed. If you're listening at home, we accidentally let twin ovation open for us, which is the equivalent of getting nine panda bears drunk and letting them open for us. They sweated, they yelled, they got things wet. They wrestled.

There's meat on the stage. I've never gone on stage and had there be loose meat. That's a fucking first for me. That came out of Dave. Yeah. Dave is no. How are you guys doing? You guys surviving?

Yeah. Very cool. Who here was here last year or maybe the year before? Cool. Okay. Tradition. First timers? Okay.

That's a lot of people too. Let's fucking one up it and just start a fight for everyone. First timers versus second year guys. Oh, you want like a melee thing. I want a melee. I want a brawl. And the lone survivor fights Nick Rad on stage as X-Pac. I want a malice.

And I deserve one. Yeah. This is such an exciting time. It's exciting that this has become tradition. Third year. Third year of Hedgehog Live. And thank you guys for joining us. I just stepped in green. Can somebody fucking bring me a stool?

I can't put this drink on anything. What is that? This is green. What was green as part of Twinnovation? What happened that was a green gummy? Yeah, I don't know. Hey, thanks, man. Does anybody know? Are you...

You don't work here, right? You're just a fucking Good Samaritan? He does now. You're hired. Minimum wage. Head of branded content. What? For a head gum. Yeah, you're hired. Minimum wage. Head of branded content. What? For a headcount.

Yeah, you're fired. That's my job. The run on sentence was a little much. Yeah, no, that makes sense. I totally get that. So for those of you who don't know, this is an advice podcast. People will write in their sticky situations.

They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom, our advice. That makes sense. I'm 35. I have my shit together. I'm on a stage with gummy and meat on it. You're 35? Yeah, wow.

Goddamn. I'd run for president if I weren't born in the Middle East. Oh, yeah. Fuck. No. You can never be president. We would never elect somebody so dumb. Nice. Go to office elect somebody so dumb. Nice.

To office. Oh, no. Me versus Trump. SATs. Who wins? Oh, shit. Reading comp, pre-algebra, the whole nine. Are this new SATs with the essay?

What? Fuck it. Trump. Fuck it, Trump. Fuck it, banana eating contest. Mevers Pence. Yeah. Amir's also anti-choice, so there's nothing good that can come of this.

Mevers Barron, hear me out, arm wrestling. Sure. Best of 13 for some reason. He beats you handily that was the best part of the last show you guys are running late

okay they accept that information they internalize it and how do they how do they express that lateness let's turn it to a best of seven

which I'm pretty sure we're gonna do arm wrestling we should also invite a bunch of people on the stage yes of course we should make it a safety hazard yeah on the stage. Yes, of course we should make it a safety hazard.

Yeah. On the stage where you have live wires and beer everywhere. Strangers, please. Guests, hurt yourself. And now you see how smart Amir is. You're ready to give advice. That's right. All right, let me put this down somewhere.

I didn't get a stool because that guy, I think, quit. Can you get us another stool? Good man. Great man. My gosh. Yo, give it up for stool guy. Let's give it up for Phil. He's clearly a Phil, right?

Good on you, Phil. What is it? Oh, I got the P. The P is silent in Phil. It's so weird to take credit for that. If the P is silent, would the name be Hill? Anyway. God damn, and I'm hard again.

Yes. Literary riddles, or littles for short. Dick's broken. All right. We need a guy's name. I heard the name Crandus, and Crandus has been with us for the last few nights. We were in Winnipeg four nights ago. What the fuck with us for the last few nights we were in winnipeg

four nights ago what the fuck why did we do that we went to winnipeg i honestly they paid us but it wasn't enough having been there and back i will never go again so but krandis was there and we're happy to have you here in austin again thank you kis. How can we recover from the... It was a shit show. Yeah, no, I liked it. I think Jeff fucking blew me away. Oh, with the printed cross rocket. I would use that.

Yeah. That's crazy. It was in Jeff's taint and I would use it. I would take the one he'd had. All right, Crandis writes, I work as a male ass man in a restaurant. What? An assistant manager, that is.

Is that part of the nomenclature? I haven't had a serving job in a long time. After work, my male gay manager, one of our female servers, and one of our female student servers went to a bar. Wait, there's an ass man and a female student server?

And a gay manager. Right, that's a position here. Who's the gay manager of the North Door? We need one. You have to have a manager and a gay manager. Of course. Two for the price of gay. Just four different work functions talking about work.

Two hours later, we were French kissing. Two by two to climax in one of a four-way kiss. That's right, a four-way kiss. Of jorts, he writes. Later, our gay... I feel bad saying the gay manager part. It's just what he wrote, but you are emphasizing it in a sort of weird way.

You don't have to read it like that. Yeah, later our gay manager called two male servers in to join, and they did. Wait, so then it's a six-way kiss with how many guys? It's tough to keep it all in my head, but it continues. It was me who started the whole idea because of the hot female student manager that I'm into. I only knew she was into me as well when I told her about my new relationship with another student. You cheated on your girlfriend six times.

One of which was a gay manager. Many of which were gay managers. I only knew she was into me. Fucking most of which were gay managers. Should I tell my current girlfriend that I kissed her with a hotter colleague? She's already in the trenches with her. Should I break up? Thanks. What does that mean? P.S. Come to Belgium. Of course.

Let's get up for Grandis. Everything is crystal clear now. It all makes sense when you're in Bruges. Is Bruges in Belgium? Maybe. Okay. Is Belgium pronounced Belgium? Maybe. Okay. Did you say yes? Is Belgium pronounced Belgium? All right, cool.

But it's cool that Phil brought you. That was another service that Phil did. Is your name Jason or Jesse? He said it was Patrick. Oh, sorry. What? It is? Oh, fuck.

I was going to get really excited. That's fine. All right. Should I tell my- You know what? Fuck questions. Amir's going to guess everybody's name. You, right there Ryan

really this guy Frank that guy is Ryan that one now they're lying to me now

oh I know Joel that's a Joel Rebecca of course not yeah yeah alright this is completely unnecessary let's just go upper level alright you're right Oh, I know Joel. That's a Joel. Rebecca. That's my actual name. Of course not. Yeah, yeah. All right, this is completely unnecessary. Let's just go upper level. All right, you're right.

How about this? Is there a Frank here? Good man. The slower we are doing that... And now our show has unraveled as Twinnovation. Welcome to If I Were Frank. The only shows that accuses people of lying to me about what their name actually is.

What was the question this guy made out with four different dudes, cheated on his girlfriend? Is it less of cheating if it's a four-way kiss? Is a four-way kiss even possible? Or would skulls get in the way? How could we try a six-way kiss, Ryan? Durst, you have three friends you could bring on stage with you? It seems like the six-way is completely impossible.

It's like absolute zero. It only exists in theory. Four-way kiss, I think if you smear foreheads together and extend your tongues, maybe. Maybe you can get the fucking four-way kiss, I think if you smear foreheads together and extend your tongues, maybe. No, four- Maybe you can get the fucking four-way. Four is easy. You don't have-

Why do you lead with your forehead when you kiss? I'm saying, like, lean in. One, two, three, four. I can fucking- I could kiss you right now. I'm saying- You think two more lips couldn't fucking get right here? The problem is, this person won't be able to get to me

because your forehead's in the way. No, they will. They will be able... Four-way is 1,000% possible. Six-way... Six-way I can't quite buy. What about five? Five...

It's like an intersection. I think that's... I think you've got to just do four-way kiss, two people beating off in the corner. That's... Was the question, what's the hottest way to six-way kiss, two people beating off in the corner. That's... Was the question, what's the hottest way to six-way kiss? This is a sex club in Belgium.

The question is, should I break up? Oh, yes. Anytime your single life involves six-way kissing, break up with whoever you're with. Unless that's like a hot rule you have. It's like, all right, where's quasi-open only if there's five other people involved? You're not allowed to cheat on me

unless five other people want to French you. That's right. If you can have a menage a fa... Nice. Ménage a quatre. Huh? Quatre. Is that four or five in French?

Either way, I hated it. Or does that just mean tickets? Un, deux, trois. Oui. Sept. Sept. Sept. French people are so lazy.

They can't even finish their words. So. No, it's not so. It's seven. Talk normal We're never gonna help this guy, right? Sorry, I've been in Texas for 24 hours And I'm really fucking xenophobic

I had a layover in San Antonio And I think I hate gay people. That's right. No, we were in Seattle for a moment, and you became a lesbian rabbi. I remember that, too. I had an entire minion that's 12, 12-way kissing at one point.

Crazy. In Seattle. Crazy. I'm a chameleon of sorts, a social chameleon of jorts. So if you want a six-way kiss, people break up with your girlfriend. Yeah, of course. That makes sense, right? Yeah. Alright, let's give it up for Grandis.

We need a female's name. Clinton? We said we need a girl's name and a dude screamed clam chowder as loud as he possibly could. And I think we should reward that guy. And I think we call this person clam fucking chowder.

And he deserves it. Yeah, but let's let a lady come up with the middle name. Olivia? Elizabeth. Elizabeth? Cool. Mixed reviews for Elizabeth.

Clam chowder was perfect, though. Clam Elizabeth Chowder. Really, go by your middle name. At that point. Clam writes. I'll wait. Oh, you should encourage that. You... Asshole.

I've been insanely tight on money lately. Like, I can't go to the grocery store. How am I going to make rent broke? In an effort to make some quick cash, I joined an amateur porn site where you could get paid for sexting. That's okay. Yo, that's dope.

Can I do that? Yeah. That's basically what Text Jake was. Yeah. You should start SextJake.com. Wow. My goal was to be the least sexual I could be and still make money for being sexual,

which, as you can imagine, did not work. However, I did meet this guy over the site. He didn't express any interest in buying me anything I offered on the site, like pictures, custom videos, or texts, and instead began talking to me, the real me. Okay. I'm from Denver, and he began talking to me, the real me. Okay. I'm from Denver, and he lives in the UK, so distance

is obviously an issue. The only issue. And you can imagine telling your parents you met your cross-the-world lover on an amateur porn site. Obviously, there are issues involved with that as well, and people think Tinder is an embarrassing way to meet.

Finally, the last maybe problem is that I turned 21 and he's 36. Hot! He jokes about the age gap, but because of the way he sometimes addresses it, I think he brings him some sense of insecurity

too. I've had an awful history with men, but there's a tiny voice in my head that says, maybe. He's very sweet. He's kind. He Skypes me a few times a week and texts me. He never asked me any questions about my life and seems to be a solid guy. But, that's... But there's obvious... But there's obvious hesitation for so many reasons. And I haven't been good at picking out the good ones.

Is this guy for real? Am I just being a hopeless romantic? Should I be giving any serious thought at all? So do I see where these things go and let this mystery man across the world? Or do where these things go and let this mystery man across the world or do I let it go

and let love happen where it happens? Love, Clam, Elizabeth Chowder II. Let's give it up for Clam Chowder. I, what was,

what was hopelessly romantic about any of this? When you're like talking a guy off over text and he's being sweet. How? What do you mean? So like you be the guy. Oh, I'll be the guy?

Yeah. You said he's being sweet. I don't know. I'd rather talk you off. If we're going to role play. Okay. Can I talk you off? Sure.

All right, shit. Off the cuff your throbbing cock is teasing my clit sure and I'm so wet I just wanna feel you

slide in awesome tease me tease me just like that that's so cool oh sorry can we take one more this is powered by Patreon

yeah so I would say yeah tonight's show is powered by Patreon yeah tease me tease me oh give it to me halfway like I want the whole thing so bad This show is powered by Patreon. Yeah, tease me, tease me. Oh, give it to me halfway. Like, I want the whole thing so bad.

Where are you from? Denver, I'm straddling your rock hard Joe Squeezing it Squeezing your British prick with my ass cheeks Give me permission to sit on it You strapping bloke Hard by Patreon, sorry. Are you a foodie?

Shit, fucking marry this guy. This guy's like saying enough of that sex talk. Let's get to know the real you. Has she seen him? Has she seen him? Does Skype like inherently mean video call? You could voice call on Skype, right?

I say with British guys, they're either really hot or really ugly. Just roll the fucking dice. Really? Would you rather be ugly and tall or short and hot? Yeah, let's pull the audience. Wait, wait, I got to give heights. Huh? I got to give heights.

Okay, go ahead. Okay, would you rather be a six foot ten inch troll, but kind of jacked? Yeah. A jacked six ten inch troll. Right. Think like Michael Phelps plus six inches. Michael Phelps is kind of lithe, though. Like, he's a little bit lean.

Yeah, he's lean. He's lean. He's an ugly guy, but he's tall and strong. Oh, you're talking just ugly as Michael Phelps? Yeah. He's passable. Fine.

Fucking that. Or a five-foot, four-inch Brad Pitt. Wow. Six-six Phelps, for sure. Six-eleven Phelps? Oh, six-eleven Phelps for sure. 6'11 Phelps? Oh, 6'11 Phelps. How about just the ladies respond?

Who would rather have the 5'4 Tom Cruise? Sorry, Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise with the one tooth. I'm just turned on by Tom Cruise. You guys can answer. Okay, 5'4 inch Brad Pitt. How did we go from... 6'11 Phelps? I think Pitt has it. We were sexting

five seconds ago. This is such a weird... Are you a foodie? The audience was split. They were split on that. It is. It's a tough decision. Anyway,

I'm just saying this girl might as well go for it. Yes. What's the risk? What's. Yes! What's the risk? What's the risk? What's the risk? Everything. What?

Everything. He's a hot 36-year-old banker from London. God for fucking bid. You're adding... You're a broke-ass joke looking for a hot-ass bloke. Let him fly your ass business class.

You said nothing about him being rich. In fact, he deliberately did not purchase fucking anything from the site. He's obviously lonely too.

Yeah, well, he's broke. Of course. He's not fucking, he doesn't have any cash. That's right. He's just texting her. That's probably

the cheapest fucking service. It's expensive. You gotta pay to play. I say go for it. What's the... Say you met online. That's not a lie. Good lord. Go get coffee in Denver for a little bit. You can

meet somebody that's not 36 in Britain. What's wrong with 36? She can't afford coffee. She can't afford coffee. She can't afford coffee. She can't afford coffee. Can you at least say fly me out to London? Is that even on the table? That wasn't

the question. She was like, do I fall in love with this guy? Yeah. I'm sure he'll fly your ass out. No, you're asking this nice little Denver lady to become an escort to an... He's definitely an ugly guy. But if he's British and ugly, that's almost hot. Like Austin Powers hot.

I'll allow... Proceed with caution and get a lot of pictures. Namaste. Cheers. Just wanted to say thanks again to SiriusXM for sponsoring this special episode live from Austin. It's commercial-free music from every genre. Live play-by-play sports, the biggest news and talk, the hottest entertainment at your fingertips 24-7.

All you got to do is head over to SiriusXM.com slash HeadGum, where you get two, that's right, two, that's right, two, that's right, with no obligation, two free months, I should say. You can try it out on your phone with the app, or you can stream it online for free. You can put it in your car, basically anywhere that's SiriusXM ready.

You can listen to Howard Stern, Comedy Central, E, and more. Man, thisXM ready. You can listen to Howard Stern, Comedy Central, E!, and more. Man, this show is crazy. You remember it, barely. Barely, yeah. Not to blur. Thanks to SiriusXM for making it available to download. Again, that's SiriusXM.com slash Edgum for free.

Two free months of streaming for free. You guys are the best. Let's get back to it. Guy's name. Constance? Constance? Constance. Great name though. What was it? Tosses?

Causes? Costas like Bob Costas? No, like a house on like Spanish and two of them. Two Spanish houses? Oh, Casas. No, like a house but like Spanish and two of them. Two Spanish houses? Oh, casas. Oh, casas.

I'm glad we figured it out. Casas. Me casas, you casas. That's right. Me casas writes, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up about six months ago

and I'm a coy Jew from Philly. Okay. Although it was clean and mutual, I do find myself somewhat missing her on occasion. Since we've broken up, I've been doing my thing, and she's been doing hers, or so I hear. We've unfollowed each other in social media, and after, sorry, after breaking up, which was my call,

just trying to be healthy about that shit. That was after winter break. And now it's now and it's almost spring break and she hasn't requested to follow me on Instagram. What are her intentions? I want to reach out and ask, not to get back together with her, but to stay in her life.

Maybe even lay down some intimate pipe on occasion. I have a lot of respect and adoration for this girl. I've used a mutual friend's phone just to gently peruse to make sure her account is copacetic. Nothing much to report She is following a couple of Don I Dime T-type gentlemen since the breakup Not that it phases me much Since I hit the gym On occasion myself I can do five crunches now

I have requested to follow her And it's been 24 hours And she still hasn't approved I am oh so confused Please, please, please help Thank you guys, love you both love Casa It was plural

Let's go for Casas So this guy's like let's unfollow each other What is he confused about They unfollow And then he requests to follow And she doesn't accept And then he says what are and she doesn't accept. And then he says, what are her intentions? Yeah, she just wants to stay in her life because he respects

her. And you want to fuck her still. Of course. I guess she's probably trying to avoid exactly what you're trying to do. Why would she do that to me? I only broke up with her and asked her to stop following me and now she won't accept my re-follow?

I think that makes sense, Casas. But I want to fuck her. Yeah. That much is clear. I get to, right? I'm a guy that wants to fuck her. If I respect her and I follow her... She fucks me now.

Does she not? I think not. Give me your phone. I want I follow her. She fucks me now. Does she not? I think not. Give me your phone. I want to follow her. No, you're good, man. Oh, she's following hot guys. That's fine. I did a crunch.

I did a crunch. I pulled my back, but I did one. This guy, let's call him Wayne Regretsky. Because he... Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why you're annoyed. That didn't deserve that reaction. Let's call him Brent Regretski.

Wayne's brother. He played for the Lightning for a spell, but didn't really make anything of himself. He should have gone out on the Wayne Regretski one. Let's call him Mario Lemoy. As in, why won't you follow me back? Is that another obscure hockey player? No, Mario Lemoy is pretty famous.

Let's call him Mark Messy, eh? That's a messy way to end a relationship, eh? Yeah. Don't cheer, because he'll name more hockey players. Let's call him Yarmir Yagerbaum, because he deserves to get drunk and high and forget about her. Yeah.

These hockey jokes went off great in Winnipeg. You guys should have been there. No, I think the answer is clear. Stop. Knock it off. Quit it. He broke up with her. He doesn't get to fuck her anymore. He broke up with her. He doesn't get to fuck her anymore.

He broke up with her? That's what he says. Jesus Christ. That girl should thank her lucky stars. That's funny to you. You ask them every time they laugh. That was funny. And that one too. It's 4 a.m. That was funny. And that one too.

It's 4 a.m. That was funny. All right. Who's farthest away from me right now? No, that's so wrong. That's blatantly false. Totally inaccurate. But I respect the audacity to lie to my face.

How about... What if it got me? Corner Lady Top Row. Don't look behind you. You're the last in the room. Do you have a guy's name? Just shout it out. You don't have to whisper to anybody for it.

What? Mason? Mason Jar? Nathan Jar? Nathan Jar. It's sort of like a Mason Jar, but you can't screw on the lid all the way. That's how Nathan likes his jars.

Like a Mason would. Hi, guys. Third time writer, first time given a shitter. Nice, dude. Let's just break the ice and start fucking. Well, that's what my friend thought. And I came along. What is going on right now? I don't know. I'm also from Belgium. Everything's a fucking orgy over here. So I'm nine-way kissing a gay manager and my gay cousin. So let's start at the beginning, he writes. A bro and I went to a new big city a couple weekends ago for a good time, eh?

Oh, he's Canadian. Good Lord. It was a Thursday and Friday thing, and on that Thursday we went to a comedy show at a bar, and I had a couple drinks, but he slammed a whole thing of whiskey before we left the bloody hotel. So he was just crazy by the end of the show. It was about 11 when it ended and the bar was dying.

So I was out of cash. So I told my buddy I was going back to the hotel and he would go hard Friday style, but he wanted to stay, which he did. So this is where things get spicy. I'm dreaming about hot girls and hot... Did he really write a boot? He wrote a boot. Oh my God.

I'm dreaming about hot girls and hot food at the hotel and I wake up at 3 o'clock at the a.m. because Buddy's at the door. I open it and it's him and not a 10 or even a 7. I'd say a 4 and a half. Jeez. You're a bad person too.

So they came in and talk a bit and make it a little, let's say weird for everyone. She ends up leaving and the buddy chases after her. Pissed at me, of course, because I didn't leave. So he could score with this Shrek on ice lookalike. Not even the classic Shrek? Yeah, it could be an attractive figure skater type. Anyway, he ended up getting a cheap hotel room

down the street to do the nasty. So am I the asshole for not leaving my hotel room at 3 a.m. so he could smash? Or was I in the right because he knew I was sleeping there for four hours already and I stood my ground? What should I do next time this happens? You're going through your shit right now.

You're like, no. Oh, shit. Wait. Yeah. Fuck. Sorry for the long email. Wait till Lemire presents the whole entire case. He just finishes it with, sorry for the long email.

I just got excited. Love, Nathan Jarr. Jarr. Let's give it up for Jarr. I think there are rules to being sexiled. Sexilation. Okay, can you go over the rules for this sexodus? I think if you reach the hotel room first,

you can sexile somebody. Legally? That'll stand up in a court of law. A court of bra. Yeah. Nice. So if you arrive

at the hotel before your buddy comes back and you start hooking up with somebody, you could be like, don't come in here. I'm fucking.

And then what is the guy supposed to do? Sleep in the hallway? Chill in the lobby. Chill in the lobby. How long does it take to have sex with somebody, you could be like, don't come in here. I'm fucking. And then what is the guy supposed to do? Sleep in the hallway? Chill in the lobby. Chill in the lobby. How long does it take to have sex with somebody? Nine seconds.

Damn. Damn. And then like, that's four seconds for fucking. Yeah. Five seconds for play. Yeah.

Yeah. Five for pillow talk. Did you come too? That sounds like... Never mind. Go ahead. This is a safe place. Everybody wants to hear...

Did you come too is like what you say to someone who's passed out. Jesus. It is. Wow. Unrelated to that story. Wow. Tonight is powered by...

No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare read the ad now. Don't you dare do that. For that, the show has to be powered by some Patreon competitor. That's a weird ad to buy. Can you say something illegal and say that it's sponsored by our competitor?

PepsiCo? I just think this guy didn't get sex out. His friend tried to imminent domain him. He tried to manifest destiny his ass down into the lobby. A Lewis and Clark move of sorts. Lewis and Clark were actually pretty chill to Pocahontas. Wasn't it Sacagawea? Is that not true?

Good Lord, our history is fucked, isn't it? I'm a victim of public education. You went to a private high school, though. Yeah, but only the last two years. I really, really only graduated by the skin of my dad's cash. And that cash contained Andrew Jackson $20 bills, who actually enforced a trail of tears that caused Indians

to be removed, not unlike this guy who was forcibly removing his friend from the room. Anyway, you're in the right, your friend's in the wrong. Next question. There you have it. Let's give it up for that guy. Alright. One last question to rule them all. Oh my god.

So let's get a name from somebody from Lord of the Rings. Hard One? Hard One Shortfoot is actually part of the world of Bahumia. Do we need a guy's name or a girl's name? It's a guy.

All right. Hardwon Shorefoot, baby. Good on ya. Are we calling him Hardwon? Yeah, yeah. All right. Here we go. But also Smeagol.

I'm a 17-year-old boy living in Portland. My story begins a few months back when I started to know my soon-to-be girlfriend. Previous to our relationship, she had only been with one girl, but she is different. She is sweeter, pretty, and funnier than any other girl I've ever met. Sorry, he had only been with one girl.

Wait, what? He had only been with one girl, not she. I see, got it. After several months of hand-holding and dry-humping, we finally moved to hand jobs and bone jumping. What was the first few months? Hand-holding and dry-humping. No kissing.

That's right. I was living in the fast lane. Sex whenever I wanted. Literally. I was living in the fast lane sex whenever I wanted literally it wasn't long until the problem poked its ugly face into our relationship

the issue is this her favorite food is salt and vinegar chips something about them must really get her in the mood because every time I see that Cape Cod

white bag I know it's about to get on it was finally time every time I see that Cape Cod white bag, I know it's about to get on. Huh? It was finally time. But she never washes her hands after eating the chips in her hands. Her hands have caked up in residue all over them.

Ends up coating a thick layer of yuck on my shaft. It really turns me off. And what's worse is that she loves shoving her fingers down my throat while she's riding me. Gag reflex style. I've tried to get her to stop eating them, but I noticed a direct correlation between the chips and her levels of romance. One time I asked her to wash her hands before we did it, and afterwards she didn't want to do it anymore.

So what do I do? I want to keep boning her every day on the reg, but I'm disgusted by the subtlier of greasy, bitter salt on the tips of her fingers. Help. Love. Hard-won surefoot. Let's give it up. Wait, so they are they are fucking they're sucking and fucking they're fucking salt and vinegar style i don't like salt and vinegar chips am i alone in that it's too much it's too bitter it's too salty you're

so far in the minority more people were into the dude sexiling his friend. Reverse style. But I can empathize with this guy because it's a very strong flavor, I should say. So she's eating the chips and ramming her dirty-ass fingers down his throat. That's dirty, but salt and vinegar, that's delicious. You're into it. That sounds fine to me.

There's a whole Pornhub community dedicated to this shit. Once you pop, you can't stop. It's cum-eating God, it's cum eating instructions and salt and vinegar eating instructions. Have you guys gotten into the cum eating instruction shit on Pornhub? Listen, we all have our very fringe...

It's not my... Whatever. Hey, this guy's the weirdo. This guy doesn't like salt and vinegar chips. That's crazy. So is there a way to get her to stop? It seems like the aphrodisiac is turning him off because it's greasy, it's salty. It's salt and vinegar.

Right. Well, what is the solution? I think you got to just change chips. See what sour cream and onion does to somebody. You know what I mean? I'm not mad at that. What is Maui onion doing? Like, and don't fuck with the original.

Yeah, just like straight salt Pringles. Yeah, maybe all dressed will get her undressed. Huh? Another joke that worked better in Canada. But certainly there's a chip flavor for you. One that'll continue getting her aroused because maybe it's the potato crisps that she's into

and not quite the flavor. Hopefully. If not, it seems like it's a bitter pill, literally, that she has to swallow. Small price to pay to get lit. At age 17, I would have eaten a lot worse than salt and vinegar chips. Yeah, that's the other thing, man.

Just fucking relax. Have a BLT before you fuck, and then the salt and vinegar thing is going to be welcome. It's going to be very nice. You're just describing the perfect lunch. Finish it off with a dyed peach iced tea snapple. Yeah, and your

girlfriend's fingers shoved so far down your throat. Sounds good to me, man. Alright, let's give it up for that. We're running out of time, but I know some of you want to listen to Jake's virginity story. So let's get a round of applause as we're out for the recorded episode. But into the live Jake's virginity story. So let's get a round of applause

as we're out for the recorded episode, but into the live app. All right. Thanks for listening at home. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.