Segments - 32: Jake's Mom (with Laura Hurwitz)

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

In this episode, Jake's mom joins us to discuss text messages, ex-girlfriends, and if Jake was always like that. This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Build your own website/online store in just minutes! It's easy and cheap, especially if you use coupon code "Jake." See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do Yes! That was tight. That was really tight, actually. That was punk, I think. Yeah, I actually liked it a lot. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us, I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we have our most special guest ever so far

Well, I mean, this and Alison Williams is really up there You are my second favorite guest We're joined today by Jake's mom, Laura Hey, how are ya? Is it okay that I say Laura? Absolutely, Amir Should I call you Miss Hurwitz? No

What about Mrs. Hurwitz? No, please don't My dad doesn't want you I call you Miss Hurwitz? No. What about Mrs. Hurwitz? No, please don't. My dad doesn't want you to call her Miss Hurwitz. Some sexy school teacher. How dare you? What is this? Your dad's actually in this shed. Am I interrupting? We're recording this from a shed in the backyard of Jake's parents' home in New Haven, Connecticut. Yes, I don't think my mom has ever actually spent a lot of time in the shed, though my brother and I have raged here quite a few times. It's super uncomfortable, actually, for me to be in here. This is a no-adults-allowed zone, it looks like. Yeah, there's just PBR cans strung up on the ceiling like Christmas lights.

There looks like half of a bong over there this is all this is all micah's stuff by the way not mine is it this the fact that this shed exists and there's a bong here means that you're a cool mom mrs h uh it means that i'm a clueless mom that's actually what it means i i plead the fifth i know i there's also holes just punched in the ceiling somehow well honestly i think the thing that's scaring me the most is there seems to be a lot of stuff that's been stolen, like street signs. Yeah.

This is going to pan out to reveal this podcast playing in a courtroom. You're going to be on the witness stand. So is this your voice? It says there appears to be a lot of stuff that is stolen. Is this your voice, Ms. Hurwitz? No, it's not. Absolutely not. Well, thanks for coming on the show. This is a very highly

anticipated episode. Everyone wants to know where Jake came from. They're in disbelief that he was raised. Which reveals that I was adopted. Yeah, I was going to say raised by wolves or something like that. That would explain a lot of the dog-like behavior. Yeah.

Seriously, this is an intervention though. No, I ate a rabbit, so someone help me. I think I'm fucking part wolf. Wait, who wrote that song? Oh, Jason or Jace. Jace. Yeah, Jace. Cool.

It was a great song. When you write a metal song like that and your name is Jason, you go by Jace. Right. Well, that's punk. Cool. It was a great song. When you write a metal song like that, and your name is Jace, and you go by Jace. Right. Well, that's punk. That's not metal. That's punk.

Idiot. You don't get it. My mom doesn't get it. That's what punk is. To us. You don't have to get it. You're not supposed to get it. That's why it's punk.

That's what makes it punk. It's not for people over 30. Well, I mean, I really liked it, and I take offense to that, Amir. There we go. Well, I really didn't like it because I'm too old for it. You chose to play it. over 30 well i mean i really liked it and i take offense to that amir there we go well i really didn't like it because i'm too old for it so you chose to play it because i figured these young

kids these days would appreciate it um so have you you do listen you do listen to the show right yeah i do i do i i have to admit there were a couple that um okay the stD test one. I listened to the point that the results of Jake's STD test were going to be revealed. And I just couldn't do it. So you don't know whether or not I have STDs right now? Yeah, and I don't want to know. I'm going to put my hands over my ears. No, I don't want to know. Herpes one, herpes two, syphilis and the clap.

You know there's a syphilis two? I think I have that too. There's also a drug resistant strain of gonorrhea which I don't really have as much as started. I guess it was a confluence of the another nine STDs sort of joining forces like some sort of

Voltron to create this mega disease that science has never seen. The SSTD. The SS Minnow TD. No, don't worry. Jake is completely clean. Oh, I'm really glad to hear that. STD free. And then there was another episode. It's something

about hot moms. That was one of the things you were discussing. And it was this weird thing. I knew that if I happened to be mentioned, I'd be horribly, painfully embarrassed. But if I wasn't, I would be really hurt. So I stayed away from that one as well. So, okay.

Those are the two I did not listen to. That's pretty great. I don't think my parents have listened or talked to me in probably eight years, let alone. They're so supportive of your brothers, though. Yeah, well, one's a doctor, the other's a designer. So they're doing very great for themselves. I'm considered a third, I'm like a cousin in the family. Yeah, you're doing a, the other's a designer. So they're doing very great for themselves. I'm considered a third.

I'm like a cousin. You're doing a podcast in a shed right now. Hanging underneath a sign that says football punt with a dent in the ceiling. Yeah. And a really tiny disco ball that looks like it came out of a cereal box. That's bad. You know what's bugging me? Do you see like there's a lot of graffiti on the walls, and there's something that says, you haven't been somewhere until you drank a beer there.

Now, just the grammar is terrible. That's what really terrifies me is the syntax. I know, I know, and that's what I find most, no, that's the most alarming thing. A human tooth in the wall next to that, but my mom is really pissed about the grammar. The drank. That bugs me.

I should take a photo of this place because we're describing it so well. It's very, I don't want to say photogenic, but at least interesting for you guys to at least see. Maybe I'll put that on my Instagram. Instagram.com slash Amir Blumenfeld. We really love those followers over there. That is insane. You're a small man. You're petty.

We should get started. Okay. Do you know how the show works? Of course you do. Yes, of course I do. You've listened to 28 of the 31 episodes. Absolutely. So yes, I do know how it works.

But for those of you who don't, we basically get emails. People who are in difficult places in their lives are so desperate for advice, they actually email a podcast and me and Jake sift through all the questions and try to answer them as best we can. That email is ifirayoushow at gmail.com. You know, it's oftentimes that I have a problem and I ask my mom for advice. So this is everyone else's chance out there. Yeah, it's true. Three to five lucky people.

And he disregards it all the time, pretty much. But that's okay. But these people won't take it for granted. Right, because I'm right. That's exactly right. That's the attitude. All right, so we'll call this person. This is going to be a fake name, but a real email.

And we'll say it's from Larry. Larry. Larry writes, So I asked out this girl who stands next to me in chorus, and she said, Yes, I took her out the Thursday before fall break, and I feel like we had a good time. I'm a junior out of school in the ACC, and she's, yes, I took her out the Thursday before fall break, and I feel like we had a good time. I'm a junior out of school in the ACC, and she's a freshman.

I casually texted her a little bit over fall break, and when I see her in chorus, she is nice and laughs at my jokes. However, last Thursday, I sent her a text asking her out again, and she didn't respond. Obviously, the optimistic thing to do is to hope that she legitimately didn't get the text, or maybe she's giving me a you gotta earn this booty. The crux of my question is this. What is the statute of limitations on texting a girl again if she doesn't respond the first time?

The girl is cute and we had a good time, although I wouldn't say a great one. I can tell she's not my soulmate or anything, so if we don't go out again, I'm not going to be depressed. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind giving her a hot beef injection. I'm sorry. If you don't think I should try to take her out again, how long should I wait, if at all, before I considering asking out another girl in chorus? Thank you for your sage advice. My roommate and I love the show. Love, Larry. Larry. That's a weird one. Well, it's a very common question. It's like you've said before, if you text a girl and she doesn't text you back, you're basically never going to be able to speak to her again.

Every relationship early on is one missed, unreturned text away from falling apart entirely. It's true. I will say that I think the excuse of the text didn't go through doesn't work anymore. Never happens. Every text goes through now. Or it'll tell you that it didn't go through. It went through. She got it.

A lot of the times it says if it's read or not. This is also beyond. I feel like my mom, you don't even know any of this shit, do you? Well, actually, a little bit. I do. Who? Who are you talking to? I know how to text. You and Dad met when you were 16. Actually, 14.

You met when you were 14? Yeah. And my dad was 48. 51. On Tinder, actually. First ever Tinder, it was a typewriter. You just hit the keyboard right. You have to swipe it to the left at the end of the row. No, but I like know how to text and stuff. You do know how to text and stuff i mean i do know how to text but you sign every single one of your texts with xoxo mama yeah every single text ends with xo mama yeah but that's i mean to my kids i don't like do that to like how do you sign the text to other people x oh only a single hug and kiss but no I totally agree

I don't I'm sure that the text didn't go through thing I agree with you I think that that's lame I think it did go through

so if you had a phone now what would you say like if if a guy texted you and you weren't interested and you responded back is there is there an amount of time

that he could wait that would be appropriate or is it just like a lost cause? You didn't respond once. So that's you sending the message. I mean, like the thing I don't get, and I don't get it with you guys, and I don't get it with your sisters, is like the whole like, you know, you have to wait a certain amount of time to be like, cool.

You can't just like be like the desperate person you honestly are and say you know hey you know did you get my text right because honestly that's what i would do because i'm that kind of person desperate needy pathetic loser i mean no wonder i am that way except if you can imagine i'm one step more desperate and needy that i'm willing to commit to this painful waiting game until the entire relationship dissolves right i'm so needy that i want that i'm gonna like buy into this this horrid awful game no i've seen you fire a second bullet yeah i'll do it because well but how long do you wait well i don't give a fuck uh so like i guess i i can get too proud but if I really like someone, I'll just fire the

second bullet, but never three. So two emails is the most, two unrequited emails. Yeah. I think there's no statute of limitations, but I think that like one is definitely a message. She sent it to you. Don't like, if anything, the second attempt should be even more feeble. Just like, don't invite her out.

Say like there's a party or say there's like something more. Oh, like a group hang. So if you're like, hey, you want to get a drink? She doesn't respond. I wouldn't text her until there's something going on. And then I'd be like,

are you going to this thing? Yeah. That's good advice. Yeah, actually, that probably is good advice because if he's going to be seeing this girl in chorus and the thing that's throwing me

about this is hot beef injection in the same email as chorus. That's a little weird. Who are you? Are you in a chorus or are you interested in giving people hot beef injections? That threw me. You can't be in chorus and talk about – you don't have a needle that injects hot beef. They don't give those out in chorus. You have a beautiful voice. You have the voice of that injects hot beef. They don't give those out in chorus. You have a beautiful voice and that's it.

You have the voice of an angel and no beef. And the penis of the devil. It's a vegan dog. Though I think hot beef injection is a Simpsons reference. So maybe that goes along with the nerdy thing. There you go. Oh, man. And I missed that.

And I love this. I didn't miss it. Although I'm not good enough to be in chorus either. You have no talent. I'm like a nerd without any redeeming characteristic. I can see that. Aren't you happy you didn't have a kid that was like him?

Yeah. Excuse me. I'm joking. You're awesome. I'm decent. You do have four daughters and only two sons. This is true. So you're more of a daughter expert? Um, I, I think actually, I'm pretty good with both. But I'm probably hanging with the girls more. Yeah, I have to say, I would say you don't know jack shit about. You listen to the podcast, and that gives you a little bit of a leg up but uh

you for sure you were supportive i guess but uh but i mean no i feel i feel like i was on my own most of the time specifically uh when i was failing out of college i felt like i was living in the basement and you were feeding me but i felt like you resented it actually actually the sad truth is jake was living in the basement. He's not even, like, that's not even an exaggeration. Yeah, that's not a metaphor, a hyperbole. I was living in the basement. He wanted to live in the basement, though, I have to point out,

because he liked the Bilko door because he could sneak in and out. And he, on several occasions, we would look out our... This isn't what the podcast is about. Sorry, sorry, I'll just say it really quickly. We would look at our backyard and we would see girls sneaking out the bilko door so no jake loves that you said that yeah i don't know what were they out of 10 how would you rate their booty that's enough and sometimes it was more than one girl or whatever yeah i did say plural did Did I not? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Were you disappointed in Drake for failing out of school because you knew that deep down inside he was smart enough to do well if he only applied himself?

No, I knew he couldn't do well if he applied himself. That was the saddest part of all. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I was disappointed for him, I guess. But he's, like, ridiculously resourceful. And he's also really, like, stubborn. So, and he's not ridiculously resourceful and he's also really like stubborn. So, and he's not going to do anything he doesn't want to do. Oh, so you couldn't push him in any direction. Exactly.

I mean, we kind of threw our hands up and we're like, you know. Whatever happens, happens. Yeah. After the third college, the fifth school technically, because I went to two different high schools. Yes, you did.

School's not for him. Yeah. Maybe he'll be like one of those Zuckerberg people where it's like, oh, school's not for him, but maybe it'll be not for him in a cool way. Right, like Bill Gates? Yeah. The qualities that I have that you said was like, oh, he just doesn't do what he wants. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want and he's really stubborn.

Sounds like awful. I should have failed. I deserved to. It's not like you had an ambition that was aside from school that you were dedicating your time to. I think I have a third quality, which is that I am lucky.

Just stubborn, I do what I want, and fuck did I get lucky by just stumbling into college humor. But he's also very modest because you can see he's attributing it all to luck and not to any sense of self-worth. This is true. Luck and a mirror.

Yeah. Luck and a mirror. Well. Luck and a mirror. Well, those are sort of the same thing if you think about it. It's lucky to meet you. Yeah, why take the hard road when you can just hitch your wagon to someone else that did, right? You're a shooting star and I sat on top of you without getting burned somehow. It's been a good ride. And here we are full circle back at my parents', and I think I might stay in the shed.

I think I'm done being some sort of second wheel to you. You're a beautiful unicycle, my friend, and I appreciate it. Should we move on to the next question? Yeah, second question. Let's see. Let's see if we can do as good of a job with that as we did with the first one. Doubtful. Okay. This one is perhaps more in the first one. Doubtful. Okay.

This one is more, perhaps more in your wheelhouse. Oh, cool. All right. Hey, dudes. Oh, we'll call this person Mendez? Mendez. Hey, dudes. I got a weird kind of problem.

I'm in college, and as sort of a joke, my parents send me a pack of condoms in the mail every few weeks. The problem is that they are sending me the regular size Trojans, and upon trying one on for size, I found out that it's too tight and a tad small. I went out and bought a slightly larger size and found that they were far better. I would kind of feel bad throwing the ones for my parents out or just giving them away, but how awkward would it be to ask my parents to send me larger ones? Please help me with this conundrum. So, how awkward would it be for your child to ask you to send him larger condoms? Wow. I know I'm uncomfortable.

Wow. Because you had the opposite problem. Mom, these condoms are borderline dangling off my hog. Mom, I think I just need dental dams and that's it. It's like a skinny man wearing a triple XL raincoat. I'm just moving around in there. It's not doing goddamn anything. Oh, I never wore condoms.

Oh my god. I don't know. I feel like he should be going out and buying his own condoms perhaps and not kind of troubling his parents saying, you know, these are too small. I mean, that just seems kind of pissy. What kind of parents send their children

condoms now that you know a lot of parents? I mean, I would totally do it, actually. And there was, I'm probably saying something I'm not supposed to say here, but let me say it anyway. Don't worry, not that many people listen to this podcast. My younger son, Micah, who is a

sophomore. I just love the idea of him listening to this right now i'm sorry man his blood is boiling wondering where this is going well sorry um he wanted me to get his um lifeguard swimsuit out of his bureau because he forgot it he was on his way to work and he warned me that there was a large box of condoms in the drawer. And rather than being shocked, I was like, yeah, alright, someone taught you well. Yeah, so what happened there? Who taught him well that didn't teach his older brother?

It was probably Jake who taught him well. I mean, I tell him to wear condoms. I would advise anybody out there to wear condoms, and I should be wearing more condoms than I do. I mean, I try to wear. I do. I am.

I'm backtracking right now. I don't. But everyone should wear condoms. And I did, because I love my brother, tell him that he should be using condoms. So as terrible as a person you are to yourself, you're not a bad influence on the young ones around you. I hate me. I love my brother. Oh, you love your brother more than yourself. Right. Or another way to think of it as you understand the consequences. You're just

incapable of changing your actions because of them. Right. Yeah. I don't. I yeah, I guess I think I understand consequences, but there's also part of me that doesn't understand consequences. I mean, I you know what they are. I recognize that they're a real thing, but they never occur to me in any way, in any real way at all. Like cause and effect. You just do not see. Like when you're failing a class, you're not like,

oh, this will adversely affect me in the future. I'm just like, oh, I don't want to do work right now, so I will not. Yeah, and I do think like, oh man, this is, you know, people are saying this is going to have a bad effect and I understand that that's how it works, but then I'm also like, oh, it'll be fine. Like, what's the big what's the if I fail math, then do I not get into college? And I would always be like, didn't get into, I was like failing out of school. I was like, well, I'm not going to go to this school. I'll go somewhere else. And sure enough, I went somewhere else.

I'm like, I don't like this one. And maybe I'll go somewhere else. I always think that like, if I, I don't know, as bad as I fuck up, I'm not going to be like dead until a certain point when I am. And then I won't even realize it. So maybe your luck thing is absolutely correct. This comes back to the nothing bad has ever happened to Jake Hurwitz model. Yeah, nothing bad happens to me.

Where if 100 people act like that, maybe 99 out of them will learn their lesson in a big way. But there's going to be that one person that just feels invincible and is. Yeah, untouched. And untouchable. Did you feel that growing up or when Jake was a youngster? Did he act in that regard as well? Yeah, actually, he was kind of Teflon. Did you feel that growing up or when Jake was a youngster? Did he act in that regard as well? Yeah. Actually, he was kind of Teflon.

I mean, stuff that would really adversely affect any other human being. I mean, like, okay, Hebrew school. He would run away from Hebrew school. He just wouldn't show up. The rabbi would call, where's Jake? What age is this? From the time he was probably 10 to the time of his bar mitzvah. 10 to 13, just running away from school.

Yeah. And then the rabbi made this special haftura that was really super small. He edited the Bible for you. Yeah, kind of. I didn't abridge haftura because I didn't learn the whole thing. This is true. And it was the best bar mitzvah ever. It was so fun. So once again, you didn't learn the whole thing. This is true. And it was the best bar mitzvah ever. It was so fun.

Once again, you didn't learn your lesson. You're like, I can run away because I'll still have the best bar mitzvah ever. People still show up and give me money. And there's like four people in this entire congregation who will realize that I did half a haftura. And everybody's just going to be happy that I only did half a haftura because it's a short ceremony. I mean, these weren't things that were going on in my mind.

These are just things that the universe hands to me. Like, I realize now how amazing it was. But that's totally different, like, the way I was. Like, I would never, I would be afraid to get yelled at in school. Like, I would be afraid that I didn't do 100% on my homework. Like, I had that fear that I would feel like, I had a fear of failure that was basically like on the other end of the spectrum too severe. Like I would cry if I missed a day of school and I'd be like, oh, my God, what if I don't know this thing? How am I going to catch up?

Like what does that say? What does that say about me? What's more healthy? That is so interesting. I was more like you growing up. Definitely. My parents, you know, I just didn't have that kind of leeway. With Jake, I don't know.

We gave him a really long leash. So you were more progressive. You weren't as strict. But I also never felt like I wasn't going to get in trouble. I wasn't like, I'll run away from Hebrew school and my parents won't even care. It was like, you guys cared a lot. And I would get yelled at. You guys would send me to my room and I'd be punished.

But I was just like, once I got there, I was like, okay, the yelling's over and now I'm happy. And I don't think about it. But were you scared of your parents yelling at you? I wasn't scared of my mom yelling because my mom never really yelled. There was one time in high school when you called me an asshole and that sort of hurt my feelings. Oh, God. I did. I was being an asshole.

But there's only so much teenager boy that you can take before you just. I mean, I was an asshole for my entire life. And you finally said it once when I was a senior in high school. I think it was OK. And now I feel horrible about it. Of course you do. But my dad would like yell at the drop of a hat for no reason. Just shriek, scream.

And maybe that's what it was. Because he like yelled about things that were so innocuous that like that i became desensitized to yelling and discipline or something maybe that's it that could be like he would yell at you for like taking too big of a bite yell at you for taking too big of a which you still do by the way you still shovel food into your mouth at an alarming rate for literally everything, if somebody yells at you for literally everything at a certain point, you have to be like, oh, my God, relax. So, like, there wasn't, like, some – it wasn't special when I was punished. I was just yelled at all the time.

My dad just sort of doesn't have volume control. Mom, you were great. Dad ruined me. Which is why I think he can do a lot better. Yeah. Why are you with dad? Why are you so out of dad's league oh so not true he is so awesome and and i just want to tell the condom guy go out and buy your own and don't trouble your

mom and dad yeah yeah seriously and and don't even tell them don't tell them that your condoms were too tight don't do that isn't that a isn't that a good thing? It's like being like, oh, I'm too smart for these glasses. Not quite. Not quite. No. That's information they do not need. But it's better that way than the other

or does it matter? Better that way that it's too tight than... Too loose. Are you... How dare you ask her that? What? I'm just saying. As a parent,

do you want your kid to be racked, stacked, and jacked? I think as a parent, you don't want to know. Just like as a kid, do you want to kid to be racked, stacked, and jacked? I think as a parent, you don't want to know. Just like as a kid, do you want to know anything about what your parents are doing? No. Do you want to know about your dad? No.

You don't. Do you? No. Do you want to tell me something? No. Because I'm serious. We'll get on Tinder right now. I swear to God, give me three swipes and I find you three bachelors better than dad,

cooler than dad, definitely stronger, smarter, funnier, maybe even richer than dad. If you can imagine. If you can imagine someone richer than the guy that afforded this shit. I love my daddy. Daddy gives me money. I failed out of college and daddy let me go home. I moved to home and then my dad fed me, clothed me. He yelled at me, but whatever.

I still got to play Game Boy in the room. Sure, he seemed mad, but he still gave me shelter and money. I love my dad. Daddy! Oh, God. We're learning. We're learning. We are learning.

Not me. Because you don't have to learn. Will there be a rock bottom for you? Will you force yourself to learn something? Or do you think you're just, this is it. At age 28, you're not going to get any less stubborn. I've hit rock bottom a couple times. I feel like I've been with you when I was like, I have to change. This is really bad.

When I'm super hungover. When I've done something really mean to a girl. And I change for a couple days. And then I just, I like forget the way I just, I think I forget feelings, which is maybe a, it's called regressing to the mean and usually mean means average,

but yours just actually means mean you're actually regressing to a mean person. Your mean is being mean. You're regressing to a anger. Thanks. I really appreciate that. You know what? At age 30, I think now that I'm 30,

I can speak with some level of wisdom. You know, me and your mom are over the age of 30. We're like sort of in that same age level. I think once you reach our age bracket, you're going to realize that things aren't as young and happy and innocent anymore. You're going to have to start addressing your actions with consequence, and you're going to have to start addressing your actions with consequence,

and you're going to have to start adjusting your attitude and your behavior. Ooh, Amir, that was good. Oh, you know what? Never mind. I'm totally sorry. You're fine. You're immune. You're invincible.

I feel like you were saying that to someone that wasn't me. Sorry, I was on Tinder during that speech. He was. He's not even joking. I get away with everything. I'm O.J. Simpson during that speech. He was. He's not even joking. I get away with everything. I'm OJ Simpson in that regard, who also got away with everything. And then he finally got caught. Yeah, for selling his own memorabilia or stealing it, whatever.

He held the guy up at knife point. Well, that was part of taking his memorabilia, though. Jesus. Well, I know. I'll change. Anyway, next question. No, no, no. I, I know. I'll change. Anyway. Next question. No, no, no.

I'll totally quit. I'll change. Anyway. All right. Ready? Yeah. Hey, guys. About seven months...

Oh, wait. This is from a dude named... Healy. Healy writes, about seven months ago, I broke up with a girl because I wasn't that into her. Since then,

I found a new girl that I'm crazy about she's hashtag dope however i find i get really jealous when i hear about how my ex has been hooking up with other guys i feel the need to hook up with my ex but i don't want to ruin things with the new girl what should i do yeah yeah you feel the need to hook up with your ex. He doesn't like her anymore. He's with a better person, but he really does feel the need. He feels that pull. Yeah, because she's a girl. What do you think, Mama? I think this guy has a ridiculous ego.

Let it go, buddy. That's horrible. I agree with my Mama. I love my Mom and I love my Dad. They give me everything even though i don't deserve it yay but this email was written from you it is i mean i think it's normal to feel jealous after um after you've broken up with someone i think it's it's normal to to you know hear that she's hooking up with people and feel like, I don't like that.

But you can't act on those feelings and go and ruin her life and the girl who you're with just because you're jealous. Yeah, and actually what I find really troubling is you're with a better girl and you have no intention of going back with the other girl.

You just want to hook up with her. Why? To show her how great your loving is and now she's you know is that that really yeah i yeah i've done this a million times so what it is is you don't want to feel like those guys have something that you don't have so you need to sort of go back and assert yourself and be like not only do i still to sleep with you, but you still have feelings for me and everything you do with anyone else from now on, it's going to be meaningless. And then you get to go back to the girl that you like, and you get to be like, I have a secret that will ruin your life if I tell you.

Suddenly I have the advantage over my ex, my current and my future. You always have something up your sleeve. So yeah um totally that's me do you hate that i'm your son i can't even imagine i mean i don't think you're i think you're joking around right now i am hoping but i can't imagine i can imagine you having that impulse to go back to somebody but i can't imagine you ever acting on it because I think you're a lot more. Because I can't imagine it because I won't allow myself. You're like a good, you're a very, like, I know I'm not supposed to, this is probably a terrible thing to say. I think you're like a really good person, like basically good and sensitive.

Deep down. Yeah. Maybe a couple layers down. What's the deepest level? Yeah, because if you go deeper than that, am I an asshole again? Or is it a good guy, asshole, good guy? Like layers of shade.

What's the core? Good guy shell, then just bad guy, bad guy, like almost down to the core. At the core, there's just sort of a thick Tinder shell there. So here's what it is. It's a peanut butter M&M,

candy-coated asshole. No, candy-coated nice guy. Chocolate asshole. Peanut middle good guy again. Ooh, interesting. I like that. So your candy exterior is what attracts ladies to you. It's like, oh, this guy's a good guy. He's so nice. He's so

friendly. He's a wonderful conversationalist. He's tall, attractive, funny, humorous, whatever. Below that, what they don't see is the chocolate. They're like, uh, this guy's a good guy. He's so nice. He's so friendly. He's a wonderful conversationalist. He's tall, attractive, funny, humorous, whatever. Below that, what they don't see is the chocolate. They're like, uh-oh, maybe if I really knew every impulse and thought that he had, I wouldn't be as attracted to him. But then deeper down underneath that is the fact that you're self-aware about that chocolate layer because most people are chocolate and then you get to the middle and it's just chocolate. They're just chocolate M&Ms. You're a peanut M&M and that peanut is that level of self-awareness that you have that says, you know what? That chocolate layer does exist. I am an asshole, but at the same time, I'm not too inclined to

change it. You don't want to just be a candy-coated peanut. Yeah. Wow. Wow, Amir. That was amazing. That was amazing. I really am empowered. I'm a chocolate-covered peanut M&M. No, no, no. You forgot that. And I can fuck whoever I want. And I don't need to give a shit about who they are.

And if I fail, if something goes wrong, I'll move home and my dad and mom will take care of me. I really think that's what's going to happen. As shed as my witness. There are no consequences for me. That's a song that I'm working on. I only have the first line right now. I was too busy on Tinder to finish the song.

My one man show. There are no consequences for me. You were talking about doing stand up and talking about your exploits because they are very entertaining to listen to. Yeah, I really wanted to do a one man show, but I'm too scared. Because you're afraid that it'll expose you as not a nice guy?

I think no, just because I'm afraid I would forget the words when I was up there. It's like, I would write it all down and it would be funny, so I don't know.

On a much more superficial level, I'm afraid my voice would crack and people would think that I'm gay. I think this podcast goes way to way more people than a one-man show at the UCB would.

Right. But yeah, this is like, no, I'd just be afraid yeah that would be like actually terrifying i think to get up there and you know it's hard but that's therapeutic you talk about this podcast this therapy what about exposing yourself in front of strangers well i guess this that's what this is only i get to do it for you yeah i guess doing it live probably would be therapeutic I'm just too nervous yeah I no I can't she can't imagine me doing it

I also don't see you succeeding let's take a little mental breather right now I wanted to ask you of all your children you have six kids right yes yes I do

a real beast for that one for those of you guys who don't know Jake is an older sister. Then Jake was born. Then you guys had triplets. Yeah. And then you had a child after the triplets.

Right, a surprise. Yeah, a bonus Jonas, if you will. Yeah, yeah. Well, this is a question I asked your husband, actually, a couple months ago. What would you say is the perfect amount of kids to have in retrospect? You know, in retrospect, well, I can tell you we started out to have, our intention was to have three, but sometimes the best things are beyond your intention. And honestly, six was perfect.

Great, because he said two without batting an eyelash. I didn't even finish my question before he said two. Well, Jake would have slid in under that wire. I didn't even finish my question before he said two. It really is. That really did happen. Well, Jake would have slid in under that wire. You're number two in line. But yeah, I would have been very different if it was just me and Hannah. If there weren't triplets, if there weren't Micah. Yeah.

Yeah, I think the whole family dynamic would have been a lot different. But did you worry about Jake the most as a child? Definitely. Oh, you mean just kind of behavior yeah let's say like when hannah was 18 jake was 16 triplets were like 12 and micah was eight oh who did you who whose future did you fear about the most jake without a doubt i i often say that jake was like this like kind of trailblazer in a way like absolutely nothing could surprise me after Jake. But I love, I actually love that about you. I mean, honestly, Jake, you've made me open my mind a lot.

I think it's just true. A lot of my friends who had, you know, good kids, do an air quote, good kids. Not like Jake. In the traditional sense, like they did charity and weren't mean to people. I mean, you know, to be woken up at three in the traditional sense, like they did charity and weren't mean to people. I mean, you know, to be woken up at three in the morning because a friend of yours has gotten hit over the head with a bat

or to have the police, you know, knocking at the door saying, your son drove off with the gas pump thing sticking in the car and he broke the pump and now the mobile station wants you guys to make restitution i mean you know there was stuff like that all the time and i it just like we kept saying it can't get any worse than this and then it would it would get worse and so you know you're not at rock bottom yet actually yeah really you know i didn't have i had such a shelter childhood and now that jake and i have ended up in more or less the same place i wish i had been crazier because like what did i what was

i such a pussy about for if now i'm sitting in a shed across from this asshole doing the same thing as him he had an amazing childhood meanwhile i'm at math camp every summer trying to figure out the best way to academically further my career and here i am in the same goddamn shed yeah how is that fair how is that good life is not fair it's not a meritocracy that's what i've told many people it's not a meritocracy oh that was good that's my new book actually uh a meritocracy on peanut butter m&ms and you. Yeah. Wow. But maybe if I was like you, we wouldn't end up doing what we're doing because it doesn't take two people like you. Yeah, I think that's probably what it was. We were opposites that we found some happy medium. It's definitely what makes the podcast better.

Kind of like your marriage. Yeah, dad is some kind of weird robot and you're an emotional hippo. Yeah, I mean, well, dad's very commonsensical. He's definitely just like me. He's like you. Yeah. And he was always like, you know, super high achieving in school and she's strict and his mother wanted him to be a doctor. I need to find my own Jake's mom. The Dharma to my Greg. Yeah. Honestly, that when that show came on, I thought, that's us. Or there was this show called Bridget Loves Bernie that was on in the 70s about a Jewish

high meeting. How old are you, mom? I'm ancient. Were you born in the 60s? But I do think you need a balance and you guys totally, you balance each other really, really well. Yeah, the thing that scares me is that I found my soulmate and it's just a mirror.

So there's no chance of me finding love. Like this doesn't happen twice. I think at this point it doesn't strike twice. It might be better to just be gay, I think. The hard part is

we've tried. I actually wanted you on the podcast to Okay, tell me. It didn't take. It was hard. We did it. In high school,

you did ask me once if I was gay. Do you remember that? Yeah, and I had a well, do you remember the guidance counselor in seventh grade asked me about that? You don't remember? Yeah. Yeah. He was actually wondering if you could hook Jake up with him. He's like, is Jake gay? And does he like dudes like me? I'm not buff, but I'm pretty cut. I'm good at guidance. He was being bullied on the school bus.

You remember this, Jake. Now, this is another embarrassing story. He was being bullied by guys on the school bus, and they were calling him gay and the F word that I can't say because I don't talk like that. And when I went to the guidance counselor, I said, you know, this is very disturbing. I mean, Jake's coming home know, coming home really upset. I think you were crying every day. It was horrible. But anyway, the guidance counselor, rather than saying those kids should not be bullying Jake, he said, well, is he gay?

Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. I know. To see seventh graders being picked on, like, you gay, you homie. He's like, Mrs. Hurwitz, I have some pretty bad news for you. You know Rod and a bunch of the cool dudes? They're under the suspicion that your son is a homo. Yeah, he's a queer loser.

He high-fives the bullies. Is there any chance that Jake is in fact a queer-mo? I should say something to them, but I don't know. There's kind of a lot of them. I'd hate for me to yell at them and then them be right.

I don't want them to think I'm gay. What a terrible guidance counselor that he was on the bully side. Yeah. Well, it was truly disturbing because I thought, well. We didn't like that school. Yeah, we didn't like that school. And that's why you went to private school. So there you go.

Well, you let me stay in that school for another four years. Well, we wanted you to toughen up, Jake. We wanted you to toughen up. That was weird. I spent all, you know, first, like, K through six, cool, having friends. And then we moved one year. And I went to a new school for seventh grade. And I was just the hugest loser for one year. And then, like, I went back to school in eighth grade.

And it was like people forgot that it happened, that I wasn't cool. I went back to the same school. And I wasn't cool, but I was the same school and it was I wasn't cool but it was just I was normal yeah yeah that's true one worst year of my life

which maybe in like retrospect was kind of formative yeah because no comedian is cool throughout their childhood otherwise they wouldn't have to be funny

well see so fortunately for me I just had one year of bullying yeah and that shit and that let me be a comedian so I didn't have to

endure that another thing that serendipitously worked out for you yeah i mean that that's actually really true you had that one off year where you were into wrestling figures and i'm sorry i won't go into wrestling figures were cool that was not why i was that was actually the coolest thing about me one thing i had going for me what was the loserous-ish thing about you? I don't think there was nothing like loser-ish about me. It was just like I was on the wrong bus line and there was like one kid who decided that I was gay. Yeah. That was it. Where is he now? You know, it's amazing actually. This is a good story. You tell it, Jake. This asshole, this little shithead

that like ruined my, like at least half my year of seven years. Do you want to say his name? I don't know. I can say ****. I won't say the full name. I'm saying ****. And if you're listening. Fuck off. Yeah.

I know. This is so small. Me and my mom are going to yell at you on our podcast. So you're the queer now. So I, you know, I didn't think about it for a long time. And then one day at um i was at work i was in charge of hiring interns and he had applied to be a college humor wow you should have you should have hired him and made him be your like lackey i talked to i remember i talked to

sarah schneider about it and i like told her the old like the whole entire story because i was so like oddly happy just to know like because he sent me his resume like saw what he'd been up to jack shit and we should bleep his name i don't i really don't want to i don't want to like i don't know no one's gonna know is a ubiquitous name it's not like that's not even his real name yeah that's right um name something different but uh so he had kind of been up to a lot and he like also name dropped me he's like i think j Jake Hurwitz works there like we went to school together and I was like and I just didn't

I just like I'm going to treat him like I treat every intern that we're not hiring I just won't even respond and that was it he's actually the CMO of a fortune 500 company now

yeah he's working at Intel and uh he started Buzzfeed if you can believe it and he's standing outside the shed oh god

here he is he's with two chicks that he met on Tinder. He's a bulldozer and the deed to this house. Mom, he pushed dad down. He's stealing dad's money. Daddy!

Daddy, what do we do without your money? He pushed dad down, but he only cared that he took daddy's money. Yeah, without daddy's money, I don't have my cell phone. I don't have my car. I don't have my apartment. How do I eat without dad's money yeah without daddy's money i don't have my cell phone i don't have my car

i don't have my apartment how do i eat without dad's money daddy daddy your money that's everything you are to me we should have your dad as a guest later on just like as the most uh, pragmatic, as you said, left-brained person I know. Yeah. That would be fun. That would be really funny. Interesting show.

Should we get to one last question before we have to get out of here? Let's do one final one. We'll do it. This one comes from another dude.

We'll call him Piper even though that's a female character's name. All right. Hey dudes, so I was Skyping with my girlfriend, and she told me she was watching the show Naked and Afraid.

Then she made the comment, I would love to be on that show. I couldn't help but feel incredibly disappointed in her, and I told her that I would not be okay with her being naked on national TV, let alone be with a naked guy for 30 days in the woods. She then said that I was being crazy for being weird about it, and hypothetically, if she was asked,

she would accept to be on the show, even though I would forbid it because I would be selfish for robbing her of the experience. We then proceeded to get into a huge argument. Am I crazy for having an issue with the thought of my girlfriend being naked on national TV, or should she respect my feelings? And if she hypothetically would be asked to be on the show, she should say no. Thanks, Piper. That is so convoluted, but also it's amazing. That's such a relationship problem. This hypothetical problem? Yeah, I mean.

It's such a huge fight over nothing. Yeah, the word hypothetical was used way too many times, I think, for this to even really be a question. Just if you're like grammar. From a grammar standpoint here? Yeah, too much hypothetical. And anything hypothetical you should not have a huge issue with. It's hypothetical. But maybe there's a real issue here in that this person,

this relationship isn't built on a solid ground. Well, I mean, the issue is that he thinks he can use words like forbid for his girl. Like, I forbid this. I absolutely forbid this. You're like a mean husband from the 1950s. But he's forbidding a hypothetical, which makes it a little... Okay, you're right.

You're right. I mean, maybe it is an issue. The word forbid is also a very heavy word. You're right. I don't think he should be speaking like that to anyone. No, no. I don't know. It doesn't matter at all.

I think, i guess my advice for a situation like this where you're like getting upset over a hypothetical this is similar to the guy who's the girl was like um i would rather have a threesome with two guys and two girls then he got really upset right just like i mean just immediately drop it and keep in the back of your mind if it ever comes up that's when you come out swinging there's no need now to have this you don't have to put your foot down on something that doesn't exist. Right. Put it on the back burner. And if anything, you'll seem cool and it's just going to die

down. You're like, I want to be on the show naked and afraid. Like, oh, that'd be awesome. That'd be great. If that ever came up, I would support that. And then, since it never ever will, you'll never have to deal with it. Or if it does, then just be like, actually, I'm really not okay with this. And then you guys have the big fight when it means something.

But you can never forbid. You can just state your case and see if she goes with it or not. No forbidding, yeah. Yeah. Wow, you guys are really wise. I was hung up on that word hypothetical. But you're right.

I mean, there maybe is an underlying issue thing. I think it is the word forbid. And I do think the fact that this is all hypothetical. Well, what if Jake's dad wanted to be on this show naked and afraid with a naked person on TV for 30 days? Would you forbid it? Not at all.

I would applaud it. You used to want to be on Wife Swap, didn't you? Oh, I wanted to be on Wife Swap. I did. And if they were still doing the show, and if anyone- Even if they're not doing the show, if anyone's out there down to swing or whatever- We went to a swingers party, and just no one- Everyone left our keys in the bowl.

It's like they made some kind of pact you're the only people at a swingers party that went there together and left together you you guys know what wife swap is right where it has nothing to do with swinging you know that right yes yes okay all right just i want it to be clear i want it to be clear that's just you become a mommy at a different house for a week or two yeah and i really want to get any of our money i wanted to find the polar opposite of our house yeah like and a polar opposite of dad which is just like a strapping handsome smart charming man who's like good with people i'm dead serious check this out i know people amir knows people your dad for instance maybe maybe has some friends we're doctors yeah i guess my dad's friends

with doctors. Yeah, this is insane that you're slumming it with this with this fucking I don't even want to call him a dude because he's not one of the dudes. He's a weird little man child. I can't believe that I'm half him.

I'll go as far to say that I'm 100% you. I'm a child of an affair, some sort of, or some kind of immaculate conception or something. We'll go with that.

But listen, you're in his shed. His, I mean, this is dad's turf. Don't get me wrong. It is dad's turf and I appreciate the cell phone.

I appreciate the car, the apartment, the food. You appreciate only the materialistic things. I have money that's put into my account every week and I appreciate the cell phone. I appreciate the car, the apartment, the food. You appreciate only the materialistic things. I have money that's put into my account every week, and I appreciate that. I don't take out the trash anymore, but I get $48,000 put into my account a week, and I appreciate that.

$48,000? $428,000. We're not fucking crazy. $48,000 a week. $428,000. That's a lot. What determines whether it's $4,000, $5,000, $6,000? It depends on how much i'm asking

for i mean i'm always asking for 10 but like sometimes we're at odds sometimes he's heard the podcast and he hears me calling him out but i don't know i love you dad i think your money's great i think mom can do better this isn't about this isn't about me and you i'm not saying i can have a better dad i'm saying she could have a better husband i've stayed in case. It is what it is. The people versus Sam Hurwitz. The family versus Sam Hurwitz. I love you, Dad. You're the man. Two minutes of ranting against him

and then one casual aside where you're not even speaking. He's standing on a building one foot over. Whatever. I love you, man. Anyway. If you started dating at age 14, you don't have any experience with exes and stuff like that, right?

Well, oddly enough, Sam and I were really good friends when I was 14 and he was 16. But we didn't start dating until I was 16 and he was 18. So there was that two-year period. Yeah, there was a two-year period high school. Yeah, I did have a couple of high school boyfriends one of them his his um girlfriend's parents were professors at yale they were on sabbatical i was his girlfriend during that sabbatical year the girlfriend came back he dropped me so like he went to pick this girl up at the airport and that was that done wow so i did that rejection is what made you rebound to dad and just stick with him. That is exactly what did it. Amazing.

If you're listening, Whoa, full name. We will not even blot that name out. There you go. Amazing. If you're listening, I want you back.

I haven't gotten over you. I have six kids with the same man. We've been married 35 years, but I will throw it away. I'll pick you up at the airport. Please.

This is my love song. And it goes like this. Oh, gosh. Good episode. Good advice. Thank you very much, Mama. Oh, well, listen, this was really fun.

Even though we were in this squalid shed, it was like so much fun. You guys are awesome. The acoustics in here are great. Yeah, we think you're awesome. Actually, if you want to hear more of my mom's musings, she has

a blog where she writes, I think they're very lovely essays, posts, poems sometimes. Yeah. They're touching and funny at the same time. They're dramedy. Thanks. Thank you. And it's lolliblog.tumblr.com. Yeah, that's what it Thank you. L-O-L-L-I B-L-O-G.tumblr.com. Yeah, that's what it, thank you. L-O-L-L-I-B-L-O-G.tumblr.com.

Right. So if you want to know, from the makers of Jake Hurwitz comes a blog. My second finest offering. It goes Jake, the blog, your other kids. Yes. And if you guys want to email in to the show, that email again is ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

You won't be able to get Jake's mom sage advice because she just did the show and she probably won't want to do it again for a long time. But we'll try to answer them as best we can. We're also accepting theme song submissions. That first one was from Jace and the last one will be from Tyler. And we're also giving shout outs to people who left reviews on our iTunes page because it really helps.

So thank you so much, Chinese Thunder, SteffiLove2, Noah12339, Sherlon B., and Ashisha. We really appreciate that, you guys. Yeah, that's it. Oh, we still have tickets available for our show at Littlefield on November 6th in Brooklyn. So you can buy that. And we're also going on tour with Streeter. You can go to collegehumor.com slash chontour. We finally figured out the URL for that. So if you live somewhere along the eastern seaboard

or the Midwest, we'd love to see you there for that. Thanks again for coming on our show. Oh, man. This was really fun. This is my new favorite episode. Oh. Well, second favorite because Ricky killed it. He crushed it.

You're definitely number two in my heart. Oh, man. That means so much to me. Yeah, silver medal. Still happy. You're still going to feed me pizza after this, right? You know it. Okay, great.

Thank you so much. I'm going to go eat some pizza, but thanks so much for listening, everyone. Bye. Yay. Yo. What do you know? Checking the mirror of a podcast show. Don't fix all your woes.

Don't burn off your foes. Unless, of course, you ask a question that blows. They'll do no wrong. Say hi to Jake's mom. You'll find where you show at gmail.com. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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