Segments - 320: Prostitute Tips

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

In this episode we discuss mother nature, father time, and grandfather pillows.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Woo! Uh! You may not be from England town Mmmmm

You hear J.M. Amir Sick as a deer, this noise in your ear Is ringing loud and clear If I were you I'd dooby doobyie doo I'd paint myself blue And I'd snort a load of glue If I were you

Show at gmail.com Whoa. I loved how strange that was. That was a little too bizarre for me. That reminded me of like early Flight of the Conchords or something. Oh yeah, it's true. They're actually a band from Canterbury, UK.

Yes, Canterbury Tales and all that shiatsu called Burn the Arson, a long-term project fusing metal and hip-hop elements. Burn the Arson. Yeah. Good stuff. That's how fucking rock star they are. That's why when I play that song, I feel scared. You're scared?

And I'm ashamed. So the two feelings you feel right now are scared and ashamed. Yeah, I'm fearful and embarrassed of me. Wow. I don't want to be hurt. Intimid and frightened. That one's from Josh and Josh. So thanks, Josh and Josh and Burn the Arson.

We're back from Austin. This is our first day back after Texas, after Canada. Yeah. Canada shows were insane. South by Southwest, Austin, Texas, our shows there were crazy. You, you, I shouldn't say just you, but I also had a lot of late nights, but you had later nights. I did.

I mean, and... Would you say you went too hard or just hard enough later nights. I did. I mean, and would you say you went too hard or just hard enough? I think I went, I guess. Hmm. That's a good question. Like, do you have any regrets about how hard you went? No, there was never a, there was never a day. And I've had other days on the road where I woke up and I was like, Oh no, today is now gone. Right. You know, like you never lost a day. I never lost a day. I was always up by, you know, mid, late morning. Yeah. And I was always ready to go that next night.

Did you ever feel incredibly hungover? Or were you all just kind of like, just a constant state of being hungover? I think the worst was the night after our show. I woke up and I was like, oh no, oh no, no, no, no. I'm so hungover and drunk still. But then I like, I got out of bed and I was like, we partied until 5.30 and then somebody, I think it was Whitney, reminded me that it was daylight savings time. And I was like, oh, I only party till 4.30 and I instantly felt better. And I was like, oh, I only party till 4.30. And I instantly felt better.

And I was like, all right, that's not as bad. That's not as bad as I thought. Right, you got an hour of leeway back. Yeah, so. And then did you feel less hungover just because of that last night? Instantaneous, less hungover. It was like relief for some reason.

But I did drink every single night, which last starting in winnipeg yeah last night was the first night that i didn't drink at all and just amazing it's just amazing so you basically went out so hard that you feel now you don't miss the alcohol you're like i can't wait to not drink for several weeks yeah i don't even want to go out this weekend. Oh, you want to just fucking Netflix and chill. Saturday night, I'll want to go out. Yeah, obviously. Right now, I don't. It's nice to not change yourself, you know?

And what about diet? Did you go any diet or did you say, fuck it, this is a cheat week? I was still dieting when we were in canada um and then in austin i was like keeping it kind no in austin i i didn't like gorge myself but i didn't really pay attention to my diet right um but like on the road in canada i actually like i hit the gym one day we were walking around canada felt like relatively healthy yeah and we didn't like get super, super drunk. Yeah. We just get a drink or two after the shows with Thomas. What about you? I was feeling kind of sick. So I never like, I never stayed out super late. So while everyone

like, like at 1am when everyone's like, let's try to find that last bar, I would just go home. That it was every night in Austin too? Yes. In Austin. The worst I felt was the night of our show. Yeah. I remember we were in the green room and you just like, there was just like plastic folding chairs in there. No couch, no nice anything. And you came in, you opened up three plastic folding chairs and you lied down. Across three. Just a little rest. Yeah, I have to let my body not do anything. And I was like, oh no, we're fucked. We're on at 30, everyone.

Look alive, people. Oh, man. Fortunately, the energy of the crowd got me going. Yeah, you rallied. But that just meant I collapsed even harder the next day. And how do you feel right now? 95%, yes. Almost completely healed.

That's really good just enough time to fly to the middle east tomorrow right why not uh but enough recap this is about looking forward this is an advice show obviously a podcast about we should say thank you to everybody that came to the show well fuck them they already bought the tickets they're a sunk cost you're such a piece of shit sorry i didn't even think. This is why you hemorrhage fans. You yelled this in Calgary, too. Everybody who bought a ticket, raise your hand. That should be all of you, right?

Yeah. And you're useless to me. Starting now, you can go home, because I already get the cash. Jack ash. No, all the shows were great. Every show. And you guys are great for coming. Thank you.

Anyway. Yeah, yeah. This is an advice show, a podcast called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Once again, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we got some questions to answer. I should say we're going to try to release maybe even all the live shows because I don't

know if we announced it on this show, but we had a special guest, Thomas Middleditch, join us for all three. That was very, very interesting. Canada shows. Yep. So he came out in Winnipeg. Nobody knew he was coming.

They went nuts for the guy. Yeah. They couldn't believe he was there. In Calgary, maybe they thought it, but they didn't think it could their dreams come true,

and then they did. In Vancouver, everyone expected it. They were used to it and they booed him. He came out, you could hear a pin drop. It was abject silence. I couldn't stress how silent it was in that theater when Thomas debuted himself. He came out, he did dupes.

He was doing dupes. He did such a good job that I feel bad not releasing any of the episodes. Some will be regular episodes. Maybe some will be bonus Thursday. Maybe we'll space them out. I don't know what we're going to do. But they're all nicely recorded shows, and they're all super funny because Thomas was super funny in them.

Yes. Whenever I was ready to move on to a next question, he was like, no, let's squeeze some more comedy out of this thing. He would start a new band. He would try to answer the questions. So you can really tell. And you guys, you guys,

they came to the show, you got it, but you also didn't get to travel with them for three days. Yeah. I was laughing nonstop. It's not like he, he's,

I feel like with us, we kind of perform on stage and then off stage we're not necessarily performing that much. Yeah. He's like constantly funny all the time.

Yeah. Just like instant, like we're on an airplane and he just turns around and is a different guy. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm glad he likes it because we like it. It doesn't seem like he's doing it annoyingly.

Like he seems to enjoy just turning into a new character every hour or two. Yeah. And he can just like summon them from nowhere and have like the vocabulary for a character and have the accent for a character yeah yeah during the show i'm like can you do a german yeah can you do australian yes can you do stoner yes girl yes anything like he can't not do anything in terms of characters he was a and like he was he would just be like oh is it like is this like is he a positive guy yeah like yeah he is and then it's just like positive positive german 21 year old stealing well you'll see all right all right no spoilers no spoilers uh let's try

to answer some questions here uh some good ones that we didn't get to on the road oh shit let's see i sent you some all right here's one this one's's called Me, Myself, and Prostitutes. Okay. We'll call this man Donald Logue. Why? Because it's almost an actor's name, but not. All right. Donald Logue writes,

I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm in the market for an escort. I'm a single guy, early 20s, and I'm seizing the cheese with ladies left, right, and center. Oh, God. on a one-time fling because I've saved up the money and I'm looking to have a night where I get everything I want from a girl. A long, deep-throat blowjob. Oh, God. Anal. And fuck it, a massage too.

I'm paying for it. The only problem is, I don't know where to go shopping for an escort. I want to guarantee that she will be good-looking and match her photos, that she will be able to fulfill my sexual desires to porn star standard. I'll pay whatever she demands as long as she doesn't disappoint. And C, make me feel like my money was well spent and not leave me wishing for more.

If you had the cash to splash and the morals that I do, how do you go about finding a reliable, beautiful one-time escort who wouldn't blow my money? No pun intended. Appreciate the help. Ta-da. Ta-da. Love, Donald Logue.

No-da. Yeah. What do you think? I just rattle off a whole bunch of names of escort sites. So you want to go online, obviously. There are a few good ones are. Just look at the Yelp reviews. Have you ever even looked into such a thing?

Do you even know where to start? I wouldn't know where to start. It's kind of sad that he's so shameless and optimistic and positive about how much of a kind of loser he is. Yeah, the expectation. Yeah, as long as she fulfills my needs. Hell, I'm paying for it. You can't get a girl to give

you a massage. No. You can't just find somebody that likes you enough. I'm a bad person and I'll need to spend $2,000, not on a nice laptop, but on a throaty ass blowjob. To porn star standards. What are porn star standards? I don't know,

but can you imagine imagine someone's blowing you and you're just holding up a video of Jenna Jameson? Like, more like this, Cheryl. Yeah, I have a feeling

that would cost more than $1,000, but I guess I don't know what the going rate is. That being said, I also don't think you get to pay depending on how good

or bad the service was. It seems like more of an upfront cost to me. Yeah, I don't, I think that it's a slippery slope to go and be like, I have $2,000 and I want all of my fantasies fulfilled for the night. It's like a, it's, I don't know. Why don't you start with the massage?

Because one of the three things was just a massage. I'm sure you can get a really nice massage for a couple hundred bucks. Yeah, I think you just need to change your attitude and get a girlfriend. Yeah. Because, like, all this stuff happens when you, uh, also when you, like, fall in love with somebody. Like, you could say,

uh, hey, I have fantasies. Do you have fantasies? Let's fulfill each other's fantasies. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like... I want a really, really long blowjob. It really needs to be a deep throat long blowjob, as he referenced. Well, but it doesn't seem like... I want a really, really long blowjob. He doesn't... It really needs to be a deep throat long blowjob, as he referenced. Well, you could find a girlfriend

that likes giving and receiving or just giving oral sex. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like he wants to give anything except for cash. Cash. Yeah, so he doesn't want to pay it forward.

He wants to pay cash backwards. Right. I don't know what to tell him. I don't know about be good looking and match her photos that's that's out of my pay grade i think you just the very least beggars can't be choosers if you are going to pay a like a prostitute to fuck you yeah you've got to like just spend the money and hope for the best. Yeah. But I think a lot of people that do this have... What's the... Their fantasy... Whatever you're creating in your head of a high-class escort situation,

I don't think it's the reality. Right. And I also think that $1,000 isn't that much in the world of escorts, it seems. Right. He keeps saying, I'll pay whatever she demands. But like, could you pay $20,000 or could you only pay $900? Right. $1,000 where you're nickel and diming.

Like, can I, fine, throw in a massage. Is it really going to be another hundred? But I'm not paying for room service. Will you scratch my back? I have to pay, we're not going to split the hotel room? Yeah, it seems like all the money after the fact is going to have to be added or deducted from a tip. It seems like everything else has to be paid up front. Right.

You're not thinking of all the costs. You got the hotel room. You got Uber there and back. You're going to want champagne in the room. You're going to want the chocolate-covered strawberries. Yeah, and it feels like anal is going to be the most expensive one. He wants the most expensive items on the menu. He wants the Yoki.

Like deep throat blowjob and anal. Yeah, he wants the truffle oil, and he wants to pay regular prices. It's not going to happen. No. So what you got to do is just pay a shitload of money for an awesome massage, and then be a better person and find someone who'll give you the rest of the stuff for free. You can pay the $2,000 for the best massage of your life, for sure. That's a spa day.

That's a spa weekend. That's right. And then you got the massage part, and then you just have to find someone that likes you enough to give you a long, quote, deep throat blowjob. What about just, if you're straight up, like, if this is what you want, what about just if you're straight up like if this is what you want uh what about just like hiring a porn star yeah why is porn legal and prostitution not like couldn't you just go on i hate that i'm this is gonna like turn into me giving him advice

but couldn't you just go on like one of those amateur like porn sites where like the... The ladies are willing to do this on camera for money. Right. Where like the model, the porn agency people, you go to the agent, you're like, hey, yeah, I want to hire this new person who you guys are saying is ready to do porn. Right. For an amateur thing. Right.

And it's going to be on my website. Twitter.com slash Donald. I'll give her $2,000 and we'll shoot a scene. And then you don't have to ever do it. Yeah, we ended up not releasing the footage because, I don't know, the audio was corrupt or some shit. Right.

That's good advice for what you want. Good advice for a bad question. But I still think you're a bad guy. All right. Let's see what else. Here's a different, more kind of sweet question. We'll call this guy John Old Logue. Why?

Because it sounds like Donald Logue, but it has to be just a little bit different. John Old writes, My name's John, short for John Old. Hey, buddies. I can really use some advice right now. I'm currently living with my girlfriend of two years who I cherish and adore more than anything. See? Nice.

She's already feeling better. This is great. However, recently, she has been acting a little bit like a controlling bitch. Oh, God damn it. Really? It lasted one sentence. Here's the story.

Oftentimes when I sleep, I wake up with a sore back. However, recently I realized when I squeeze a pillow tightly between my knees while I'm trying to fall asleep, I wake up in the morning with no back pain. I know it's weird, but hey, it works. Anyway, I use the same pillow when I do this since I feel like I have formed a bond with this cushion. I've started to call this pillow Grandpa Kenneth. Grandpa for short. It's the name of my grandfather who passed away a year ago. While he was alive, we were really close and I miss him. And for some reason, my girlfriend hates that I've chosen this name for my pillow. She doesn't want, she doesn't think that the pillow that should have a name at all, let alone one named after my grandfather, it makes her nauseous to think that I would denote an item that I leg squeeze on a nightly basis to a relative. She thinks that it's a weird sexual thing, but I honestly just miss my grandfather. And I know it's stupid, but having this pillow with this, with his name makes me feel a little bit better, like he's still around. Anyway, what would you

guys do? What do you think I should do? Keep the name of the pillow? Change its name? Eradicate the idea of a pillow name entirely? Or is there another option? Please help me. Any advice would be more than greatly appreciated. With love, ******. Wait, I shouldn't have said his name. We can't edit it out. I'm sure his girlfriend knows who we're talking about yeah there was a question about uh uh the crotch pillow named grandpa kenneth but they didn't use your name was it you john hold i don't know i think it was just a weird coincidence that is so this is just such an odd question um yeah what do you, what do you think? Um, I understand the lady's predicament. Well, first of all, I just wanted to say that I also sleep with the pillow between my knees.

Oh really? And it does, it does help alleviate the back pain. So if anybody out there has got lower back pain, give it a shot. Interesting. Um, and then do you call it your, do you name it after a late relative? Uh, well, and if you did and your, do you name it after a late relative? Well. And if you did and your girlfriend didn't like it, would you change what you call it? Well, so I call my pillow Great Aunt Gert, which is my Great Aunt Gert who passed away. Got it. So I can relate to him on that front as well.

And you call it that because the original pillow was just her head. Jesus Christ, dude. What? That's enough. That's absolutely enough. I think it is. Why does he need to say the name of the pillow ever? You really need the name for the pillow.

He's like, just call it Grandpa Kenneth in your head if you really need to. Yeah, but what are you supposed to say out loud? Has anybody seen my what? Crotch pillow, pillow? No, you have to say, loud? Has anybody seen my what? Crotch pillow? Pillow? No, you have to say, has anyone seen my grandpa? My sweet grandpa Kenneth. I sleep with him between my thighs.

I must squeeze you this night, grandfather. I really need your hair on my thigh hair, grandfather. I want your cheeks between my knees, grampy. Grandpappy. Papa Ken. Has anyone seen Papa? Help my ailing back, grandfather. So would you, even if you didn't

understand your girlfriend's annoyance, would you just say, fine, I won't call it that? Or would it piss you off and say, no, I'm not going to change what I call this pillow. You don't understand that I just miss my grandpa. Why don't you just call something else in your house? Call your microwave grandpa, Kenneth. Oh, that's good.

That way grandpa's warming your heart. Yeah. Whatever, yeah. Warms your, well, and your food. Yeah. More importantly, your food. Your lasagna. Or you just say like, or you just name your girlfriend's pillow after some relative of hers that passed away.

Like, why do you think I'm weird for sleeping with Grandpa Kenneth between my knees? You're sleeping with great-grandmother Esther behind your head. Why, I've named every piece of furniture. I'm currently sitting on Sidney, my late cousin who passed from tuberculosis in 1912. And you on Arthur. Oh, everything has a name and a soul. Where are you going? You're drinking

from David. That glass represents my baby niece who died in the womb. An uncle who killed himself in a suicide ward in 1812. You are a little crazy now that I think about it. Don't name furniture after dead relatives.

We're on your girlfriend's side. No, I mean, you could just call... Grandpa Kenneth lives in your heart. That's... You can call the pillow whatever you want. I do believe that. But don't think that just because you named the pillow Grandpa Kenneth that you're any closer to him than you could be

by just thinking about him in any other way, shape, or form. Yeah. All right. So you're saying change his name or don't change his name or just don't call it the name? I think there's just not really a reason to fight. Because now you're turning your girlfriend against your grandfather who you hold so dear. So you can believe in your heart that this pillow is still your grandpa.

Yes. And then you say, I won't call it that name because I know it offends you in an odd way. Whisper to your fucking knees in the night, I love you, Grandpa Kenneth. And your girlfriend's like, what? Nothing! I was just talking to my knees. Your knees are your niece.

My knees. Get off me. You're freaking me out. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some other sponsors. And then we'll be back with more questions and answer and maybe some unsolicited advice after this. Yes. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Oh, it's a little bit. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back, just in time for some... Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. Hell yeah. Just out of curiosity, when you edit the podcast, do you drop that track in? Or do you just use the audio of your computer playing into the microphone? Good question. I drop it in. Nice.

Yeah. That's very professional. I wish I didn't use the one with Mom, I'm Coming, but now it's sort of part of the show. Yeah. People even yelled that at us during the live shows. They did. They asked us for some unsolicited advice,

and then we had a few super fans yell that at us. My mom coming, yeah. And it didn't make sense to the people who hadn't heard it, but that's fine. Of course. Because they shouldn't be at the fucking show. I ride with my day ones, man. We should say we have yet to announce

our NYC Podfest show. Oh shit, so if you want to come to that show and yell my mom coming at us, that would be great. come to that show and yell, Mom, I'm coming, that would be great. I think the only one we have on our schedule right now, it's in New York, New York City, Manhattan. Have we ever done a live show in Manhattan? Ooh, I don't think that we ever have.

Yeah, it's part of NYC Podfest. So if you go to nycpodfest.com, it'll be on Friday, April 6th at 8.45pm. And there are not a lot of tickets to this show. Yeah, it's a smaller show and it's a big city, so grab it while you can. Unsolicited advice. I got a good one this week.

I really wish I set up the Amazon affiliate link because this one's very affordable. You can get it on Amazon. God damn it. It's for all the drivers out there. I am unsolicitedly advising you to get the TechMat AirVent Magnetic Universal Car Mount Holder for smartphones. Wait, that's not the iClever? It's different. It's different than the iClever. The iClever one might work, and I think that's the one you have.

I have the iClever. Okay, so you can vouch for that. So mine is easier to spell and say at least. Yeah. What's this one called? The TechMat. Basically what it is, is a magnet and it grips to your air vent or to your CD slot and you can mount your iPhone or your smartphone, whatever phone you want while you're driving. I was a little skeptical about magnet technology at first because I thought it wouldn't be very good. I was one of those idiots that had like one of those sticky dashboard mounts for a little bit, but it kept falling because it was too hot or it couldn't support the weight of the phone. So I looked into it and I got the magnet

one. The clip itself is just a magnet. So you clip it onto your air conditioner vent and then the magnet goes in between your phone and your case. So you never even see the magnet. It just sticks to this thing pretty much invisibly. And it's not only a game changer for me, but it only costs $8. I've just looked up yours and yeah, they are truly the exact same thing.

Okay, great. So it's a car mount for your car phone. It's only $8, and it changed the game. I no longer have to deal with hand-holding or doing whatever. You get a little charger so you can charge while you drive, and then there's no setup time or you're putting it into a mount that you have to stretch and then clip in, and then hopefully it doesn't fall. It's kind of like a magic little magnet. You just like, it sticks to

this thing and then you can drive. Yeah. I got the same thing and I love it as well. So that's, that's my piece of it. Who got it first? I want to say me. You're right. So that was a trivia question of sorts. Yes. And? You're correct. Yeah, you got it first. And then I finally bit the bullet. Yeah, it was kind of like nerdy or whatever because you're a little afraid of getting it at first. I don't like buying accessories for my car. I like having it nice and clean. Yeah.

This one, it keeps it, it's actually cleaner than when I used to just put my phone in my cup holder and look down at maps and like sort of have to bend my head down to see. It was dangerous. Yeah. This is better. So get one of those, especially if you just got a new car and you don't know how to mount your phone yet. Magnet. Magnet.

Magnet. Magnet. Magnet. Magnet. 20 minutes. 20 more minutes. Whoa. We have to stop hanging out together.

Totally. All right. Next question? Yes. Here's one from a guy we'll call Fat Ditt. Why? I hate to question every name you've come up with today. Because he's not quite a fat zit, but he's very close.

All right. All right. Hey, guys, I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. So as a single dude, I frequently use Tinder, and I personally think I'm a pretty attractive man. However, I only have average success, and that got me thinking, would I have more success with guys? So of course, I set my match preferences to guys and it immediately blows up.

I'm constantly getting matched and messaged. So after my experiment, I decided to delete my Tinder. But right before I do, I get one more message. And it's from someone I know from my circle of friends. I quickly delete the account, but now I'm scared it's from someone I know from my circle of friends. I quickly delete the account, but now I'm scared it's going to get out that I'm a homosexual. Should I bring it up to my friends or just wait it out and see what happens? Ooh. This is the 2018 equivalent of, I was just at a gay bar for fun or accidentally, and I saw someone from my work, and it's like, well, I didn't know that it was a gay bar, but I'm there. So what should he do? What would you do?

Would you be freaking out? Would you not care? I feel like I really wish you would just have the courage to see what the message said. Yeah, I'm sure it just said like, hey, or hi, or I had no idea you were gay, but now I do. Right, and I'm going to tell everyone. Yeah. God forbid. I don't know what you do. I really don't.

This one stumped me. Because like you're going to come off as homophobic if you're like, I swear I'm not gay. I didn't fucking mean to do that. Because then it seems like you're extra defensive. Well, you definitely come across as homophobic if you treat it like the worst thing in the world. Right. Which he kind of is right now being like, I quickly deleted the account. I don't know what to do.

I'm scared that people will find out. You know, you just don't want to be, like, misrepresented. You know, if it's already hard for you to get laid from women, it might be harder if all of your friends assume that you're gay. But would it be the opposite? If you're gay, would you, like, want to clear the record that you're not straight? Yeah, you just don't want to be misrepresented. So there's no good or bad you're saying. You just wanted to accurately put it out there

that you are what you are. I think that, well, this guy is having like a freak out about it that's maybe a little homophobic inherently. But I think that you don't need to freak out and maybe you just reach out to that guy and you are like hey by the way we matched on Tinder

and that was weird I don't know how that happened for the record I'm not gay this is another thing that I constantly say when you make one mistake or one thing that you want to cover up just do a shit ton of it so you get back on Tinder

you open it up to guys, swipe match I just got 80 fucking dude matches and some chick matches a shit ton of it. So like you get back on Tinder, you open it up to guys, swipe match, be like, I just got 80 fucking dude matches and some chick matches and I'm getting messages all over the place. It sort of muddies up the water so that there was not like only one guy who sent one message. It was just like, for whatever reason, my account was set to open season, open for business. And I got a shit ton of messages from all sorts of strangers. Right. So that would require him to re-download Tinder,

which maybe he'll be able to see that message. Yeah, and then you'd be like, oh, that's weird. I don't know why it has me as open for guys and girls. Maybe I said that I was interested in whatever, and that accidentally put me up. But of course I'm not. I'm not gay is all. Actually, look at my new bio. I'm not gay is all.

You can clearly see that I'm not gay is all. Also, I'm five foot four in heels, LOL. I'm not gay i might be short and mean but i definitely am not a homosexual all right saying it like capricorn only why capricorn only i don't know i believe your bio is too long i have a lot of notes on the bio yeah you just got a machine gun all sorts of shit throw a lot of shit on the wall and see what sticks. Some of it will say you're gay. Some of it not. Can you beat that? Can you beat that advice?

I guess I am going to go back. I'm going to just say redownload Tinder. See if you can see that message. And then act like a just from there. And if you can't, then I'm going to change my answer to never say anything ever. Just assume it didn't happen? Yeah. Let's try that one.

But then doesn't it seem like a little gay secret? I deleted my Tinder, but now I have one little gay secret out there. Yeah, but is it? I don't know what you're talking about. I just don't know if your fear is having, like, people think that you have a gay secret. If, like, you doing quote unquote damage control about it does anything to address it. Like, if you match with a guy on Tinder and then you reach out and you're like, ha, I'm not gay.

Wait, how did you match with your friend? He said he switched his preferences to men. Right, but his friend couldn't message him unless he fucking matched him. Yeah, so he probably swiped him right. Oh, right. Wait, so what? I see. Never mind. I forgot that he wasn't just like

accepting both profiles. He was actively swiping guys right to see if he would get more matches. Just to see if you would get more matches. Just to see if you're gay hot in addition to straight hot. Dude, straight up, it's more embarrassing what you did than what everyone thinks. You should just live your life as a gay man instead of this weird little vain boy. Because it would be much, much better to be a gay man than to be a straight man who opened his

profile up to see if gay men found him attractive. Right. That's just about, you were just, I wasn't gay, I was just getting attaboys. Alright. I wanted to read this email, even though it wasn't a question, it was just a fun story. Four years ago, writes

Justin, I was on a train on my way to class and there was a girl sitting across from me cracking up at her phone for 15 minutes. I couldn't help but notice her amazing smile and laugh. At one point, she tilted her phone just enough to let me know that she was watching Jake and Amir

videos, which I also watched. We got off the train at the same stop and I decided to go for it and talk to her about the one thing we knew we had in common, your videos. Long story short, I got her number and we set up our first date. We went to Starbucks to get to know each other

and really hit it off. This is where the horror story starts. What? After our first date, I walked her to a car and gave her a little smooch. She sat down in her car and I closed the door prematurely. She wasn't completely in the car yet.

I didn't think I slammed it very hard, but it was enough to break her foot. Oh no. She called her brother to take her to the hospital and did not respond to any of my many apologies. I kept seeing her cast crutches and all on the train in the morning, but she ignored me every time. That's insane. Six weeks went by and she got her cast off and had a change of heart. She gave me another chance. So we went on a second date on which I ended up with a bloody nose, thanks to her elbow. Despite the rocky start, we stuck it out and now we're engaged.

Without your videos, I never would have talked to her and we wouldn't have met. Since you started our relationship, I feel like there's one piece of advice I need to ask. She doesn't want to take my last name. Oh, there is a question in here. Yeah, I didn't realize it. She doesn't want to take my last name. Her first name is Kelly and my last name is Kelly. Of course, you see the punishment. Are we allowed to say this on the podcast? I think so. Because we met them in Austin. Oh. I think it would be funny as hell, but she doesn't seem to be very professional. She doesn't think it seems very professional.

What do we do? We don't want our poor kids to have an entire name as their last name. Thanks, guys. Love, Justin Kelly. We met them in Austin? Yeah. Or at least they came up to me. He's like, I was the couple that said we just got engaged because of you.

Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. So first of all, congrats. Congrats. Fun to be tangentially involved in your origin story. Very, very much so. Try not to die on your wedding day.

You two are so accident prone, it seems. Yeah. Broke her foot and then she broke his nose. Yeah. And we both broke our necks walking down the aisle. But at least we don't have the name Kelly Kelly. Of course, she can't take your last name. Yeah, Kelly Kelly, it's a little much. Has that ever happened? That must have happened once, right? Like if you take someone's last name and it's the same as your

first. Yeah, my little brother has a friend named John Johnson. That's close. Close. Yeah. Yeah, you just don't name your kid that. Unless you lean into it. Yes. Kelly, I guess you can give yourself like a middle name. Like a Kellyanne Kelly. It would be kind of fun. That's kind of cool. But Kelly Kelly is really tough.

Especially if your middle name is like Catherine and then your initials are KKK. Don't do that. Definitely don't do that. Didn't we talk about doing something like just starting a new last name? Yeah, a new last name together. Maybe Justin. Yeah, I'm into that shit. That way it's like Justin Justin.

From Justin to Kelly. Yeah, and then her name is Kelly Justins. Nice. Justin's daughter. All right, that's it. We just want to say shout out to you guys for getting married. Gracias. Based on our videos.

Gracias. I wonder what videos they're watching. Maybe one about me and you getting engaged. Oh, that could be. Oh, we did a gay marriage one, actually. That's right. Where I say, congrats, we're gay married now. That's how woke we were from the very get-go.

Yeah. That we made. We were cool with it back in 2015. I swear to God. Alright, let's answer one last question. Yes. Oh, this is from a lady. Why don't you give her a name?

Sandra Bullywog. I like that. Thank you. Writes, I'm a girl that loves to fuck around on Tinder. I have absolutely no problem getting right swipes. I'm serious. No, dude, listen to me. I'm trying to say something to you. I'm a girl that loves to fuck around on Tinder. I have absolutely no problem getting right swipes. I'm serious. No, dude, listen to me. I'm trying to say something to you.

I'm surprised. You don't ever let me talk. All you do is do the haunt. Got it. Can I just say one thing? Yeah. She writes, I'm surprised when it's a swipe right and it's not a match. So I started playing this game where I set my location to different cities

just to see how many people I can match with. When they message me, they usually ask or bring it up why I'm so far away. I'll tell them shit like I'm visiting that area next week for work, smiley face, and see how close I can get them to agree to meet me in person without even following up with them. I'll say stuff like I'm packing, I'm at the airport, I just checked into my hotel, etc. Am I a psycho for this? Should I stop, peace, love, and write swipes? Sandra.

You're a small psycho for this. She's a bad person, I think. You're, yeah. She's a sociopath. This is medium psychotic. She's getting off to lying to people. Yeah, this is, what is that word? Like, sociopath. People call me that sometimes that's right i can relate

but you wouldn't even go out this is like pure ego boost it's like i want to see how excited i can get a guy before telling them that i'm just straight up not this is much yeah this is even this is a lot for me this is the last question the other question, just like fucking with like ego boost, ego boosting. And it is sociopathic because like you're wasting other people's time. Like that guy's wasting gay men's time. She's wasting guys in random cities time. It's like to make yourself feel good, you just want to see that it's a match. It's a match. So like me getting, me feeling nice, me getting that like burst of someone thinking I'm attractive is worth wasting other people's time.

That's right. Maybe there could be a dating app that's just the animation of it's a match. That way you're not actually fucking with anyone, but it's still giving you that small rush of dopamine. That's so funny and true and a little sad. It's just a dating app with the most attractive people. You'll never ever... They're all bots. That's right. And you swipe them right and it says it's a match. Yeah. And then they'll even message you a little bit. You're a hot little boy. I really wanted to match with you.

You respond, I am at the airport. I know that the point of this app is that everyone matches, but I legit like you. Those are the type of people that go to Hooters and are like, the waitress is really nice to me, actually. I like it. When I go to a strip club, the girls want to dance on my jock. Yeah, when I hire a high-powered, expensive escort, I get a throaty-ass BJ. And all I have to do is pay her cash. A lot of it.

Right. So I guess the theme of this episode is that people have low self-esteems, and they'll do whatever they can take to get that little of it. Right. So I guess the theme of this episode is that people have low self-esteems and they'll do whatever they can take to get that little extra rush. Yeah. Low self-esteem and high standards. Yeah. So how do you get some ego boosts without swiping or without paying for it? I mean, the question is valid in a way because it's like, what kind of rush can I get when the Tinder one doesn't work? Like the standard Tinder one doesn't work for me anymore. Or you're in a way because it's like what what kind of rush can i get when the tinder one doesn't work like the standard tinder one doesn't work for me anymore or you're in a relationship and you can't

use a dating app anymore like what what gets you off what strokes your ego and and also do you need your ego stroked anymore like do you ever outgrow that i think i've here's my thing i actually this is what she should do she should be sliding into more people's DMs on Instagram. I think that'll tickle an itch and you can actually be flirting with people. If you feel like Tinder, you've outgrown Tinder. Don't try to step into Tinder in Chicago or something. What's the next level? Yeah, but what about for your life?

Once you're in a relationship, once you're married and you have kids, do you still need the ego boost? What kind of person still needs that, man or woman? And how do they get it? You probably still do. Maybe when you have a kid, like you try to groom them to be a really cool or interesting person, and like that tickles that fancy.

You see yourself in your kid. Oh, like you start taking pride in your offspring. Yeah. So it's like, look at this cute baby. Look at this smart toddler. Look at this accomplished fourth grader. You've got to adjust your point of view a little bit to be like, these are the things that are valuable. Yeah, because in theory, evolutionarily speaking, it seems like you should only get your ego

stroked until you find a mate. And once you have, it's like, okay, I've gotten somebody. I have somebody who's bought into me. Yeah. Now we're out. When you like somebody a lot, then like it only starts to matter to you that your ego gets stroked by them. Yeah, that they like you.

That's the only thing that matters. Yeah, they get the primo ego stroking is by this person that I think is awesome. And then I think when that starts to fade away, your sense of like loyalty and camaraderie and like, that's like, that's when like actual love kicks in. Oh, so everything before that is fake love. I guess it's all just some different version of love. But like falling in love is different than like, you know, enduring and like being in love. Yeah. And then when you're an old person,

let's say you're 80 years old. Well, then there's nothing you can do. You can go on Tinder all you want, but no one's going to fuck you. That's our show. As we continue this inevitable march towards aging, and it doesn't actually last very long in the grand scheme of things.

We are all going to die, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Already halfway towards senior citizenship, and what do I have to show for it? Our life is a flash in the pan, and your glory years are even flashier than that. You just exist within a small, small sliver of time. Life's really only good up until you're 40. Now, here we go. What's the point? Wow.

Thank you so much for spending an hour with us every week. That being said, if you have your own questions or theme song submissions. Oh, you're cracking. Write them in too. Remember to buy an iClever. We zoomed out too far. All right, let's get back into it. You're a psycho for this.

Stop DMing people. Stop, stop sending Tinder messages. Right? I would say don't, don't do that. Don't fuck with people. Don't fuck with people.

Because they're going to get really excited and then really disappointed. The next level is like talking to somebody that you actually find super attractive. That's going to, that's going to be way more satisfying than talking to strangers in strange towns, telling them that you're coming to the airport. You little psycho.

That's so hot. All right. Opening theme song was written by Burn the Arson. Closing one is actually written by some guy named, or some lady named Deborah Daly, who was inspired by Jake's love for his mom. So I made a song about her. I do love my mom. Wait, this song's about my mom?

Yeah, or it's about your love of your mother. Wow, I love this already. Shout out to her brother, Cain's Woods, who recently appeared on Colors. I don't know what any of these words mean, people, but maybe you can find them. So, thanks to Debra Daly. Thanks to Vern the Arson. Thanks to you guys for coming to our live shows and for listening to our podcast. Once again, we're going to be in New York on April 6th,

which is not too long from now. So, God, it never stops, doesn't it? Until it all does. And we zoom back out again. See you next week. Laura, sweet Laura Irwin. What a lady. You are a fruit. Getting sweeter with age. Going on a podcast and giving us sage advice. Laura Irwin. Podcasting, giving us sage advice. Laura Hurwitz.

Jakey loves you. We know you're his main one. He's got no new friends and you're his day one. You've got two sons and he's your fav one. You've got four daughters and he's your fav one. He's your favorite. Laura Hurwitz. Laura Hurwitz.

Laura Hurwitz. Laura Hurwitz. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing

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