Segments - 321: Bad German Boy (w/Thomas Middleditch live in Calgary!)

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

Comedian and friend Tommy Mids joins us to discuss Canada, groping, and a mean man named Oskar. Live at MacEwan Hall in Calgary!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Ladies and gentlemen You'll remember these two Jews From their failed true TV pilot

Jake and Amir Wow. Calgary. Sit down. Sit down. You're too nice. You're too nice. We got one standing O. My God. We'll call him Standing Oliver. And we appreciate you, sir, in the back.

To you. Namaste. How the hell aren't you guys? Yeah. So exciting. Fuck Winnipeg, right? Yeah! This is my shit.

This is the fucking cultural capital of Alberta right here. Edmonton can suck my dick. Yes. Yeah. You know what? Fuck Calgary too.

Oh shit. Sorry. Save it for Vancouver, man. Yeah, I read the wrong script. We've been shitting on every other city. I thought you guys just hated Canada or some shit. I got like, now I know how Hitler did it. It was fucking the rush.

Right, right, right, right. I bet he was like, fuck redheads. And everyone's like, yeah. And he's like, fuck Jews. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. That good? All right. Yeah. Yeah. That good? All right.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, God. This is our first time ever, ever in Calgary. That's true. Not the last. Yeah. We got some very...

Not the last. Actually. Actually. We got some pretty exciting, like, tweets.. Actually? We got some pretty exciting tweets, like people saying that they were coming from three, four hours away. I don't know. Where'd you drive in from? You came from three or four hours away,

or are you just excited for the people that did? Edmonton? You just said Buck Edmonton. I was kidding about Buck Edmonton. Go Oilers! Boo! Go whatever the Calgary team is! We flew over a city

called Medicine Hat. Which I think is what helmets used to be called. Very good. Anybody have a tight ten? Hold on. And Ottawa, more like Ottawa-y. Get a different capital.

Calgary, more like Calgary-y. Anything can be a question if you ask nicely. Or ask icely. It is cold out here. Oh, God. I'm going to leave. Okay. I'm out.

Fair and height. We don't come to Canada often, so we figured, you know what? If we're going to do these shows, why don't we invite our favorite Canadian friend? That's true.

Didn't want to come up alone. Because two people is funny, but three people is that much better. Oh, yeah. You guys know this funny gentleman from Silicon Valley. Perhaps from Captain Underpants. Or perhaps even from our podcast,

Put Your Hands Together, for Tommy Little Munch! perhaps even from our podcast, put your hands together for Top of the Middle News! 100% worth it. It's like a little more subdued because you hurt your leg. 100% worth it. Oh, do I really sell it? That's a good one, huh? You hurt yourself. Talk to me about pigskin. Come on, throw me the ball.

Just pretend. Throw me the ball. Come on, throw it. Whoa! It's like a dad joke. Well Throw me the ball. Come on, throw it. Whoa. You could throw yourself in bed. It's like a dad joke. Well, not a joke. That's what dads do. They blow their ACL. I can't break a ligament, obviously.

No, no, no. If you're a dad, you play catch. You break your ACL. Bust it, blow it. CFL, stampedes, cargos. BC Lions, the great cup. I'm from Canada. I know what these things are. Yeah.

But you're not from around here, are you? No, I'd never dream of that. You were so into it. I would never dream of becoming from Alberta. Well, you couldn't become from Alberta. I could become from anywhere. You can change your name, you can't change where you were born.

You guys got, Alberta's got Connor McDavidson's. Who? Is that a restaurant? Connor McTravis, Randy Travis. Who are these people? They're famous. Their names are so normal. Randy McTravis? Randy McTravis, he's like one of the big Slapshot guys from the Blue Line. Bingo, bango, biscuit in the basket. It's a twice-eating missile, baby. Don't you get it? It's a fast-paced game. We don't need a glowing putt because we see it here.

You got to watch the cross-checking. You got to keep your head on a swivel. If you don't go to the ports, don't do your homework. That's a bad coach. And a worse teacher. But yeah, we are very close. You're from British Columbia, right?

Not quite Alberta. Yeah, from D.C., adjacent. Cool. I've been here, I've been here. I've been here as a boy. Didn't you say you went hitchhiking as a 10-year-old to Banff? Yeah, I went hitchhiking as a 10-year-old to Banff

and then I scooted on down, got here at Stampede, got myself a fucking big old fucking tin of skull. As a 10-year-old? Yeah, as a 10-year-old. Gave some jokers a stink eye. Said, you don't belong here.

You said that to them? And I scooted on over there. Went into that big-ass mall. Some of them subs went around in the Seat. I got submarines in that goddamn mall. And you were 10? What? And you were addicted to chalk?

Yeah, and I kept eating chalk. I'm off chalk now. Yeah, I know. And, you I kept eating chalk. I'm off chalk now. Yeah. I know. And you know, found a couple friends and I can't really say too much about that. That's how we met.

Found a couple friends? Oh, hitchhiking as 10-year-olds or what? That was me that picked you up there. Congratulations, brother. Thanks, dude. Who here has heard our podcast before? Wow, thank God. Thank God. So you guys know the score, you guys get it.

It's an advice show. We answer questions from people who are confused, scared, they've lost their way, they're in a sticky situation. They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom. Sometimes it's just me and Jake, sometimes our best friends in the world join us. One of the best friends in the world. I actually was...

I was voted. I was voted. No joke. Much music. George Trumbullamamas. In the 90s, I was voted one of the best friends in the world. To who? What. To who? What? To who?

That one could have. That one could have. So that means you... I entered a contest. We have this thing called YTV Youth Television. It's a direct conduit to the youth of today. We're talking about issues. Do you even realize... What issues are you talking about? You're in're talking about issues. Do you even realize? What issues are you talking about? You're in a best friend contest.

Do you even realize? We had shit. We had Jonavision. What? We had a show. You're shitting. You're absolutely shitting right now. This is insane.

Why does it hurt? We had a show designed for kids and teens called Street Sense that was about. Imagine, imagine, imagine, you can't even imagine this. What's your beat? That's my boy right there. It's a show for teens, typically like, it's like consumer awareness.

Like, figure out where this came from. Like, why are you about to cry right now? It's like, you don't even have that. I still don't get if you're happy or pissed. I just want to illustrate. Who are you looking at? I want to illustrate some of the differences. Okay? All right. Y some of the differences. Okay?

Alright. YTV, CBC. Sure. Alanis, tragically called hips. Naked ladies. The bare naked ladies? Chinese chicken. No, we haven't had that one.

You guys don't have that. We have Chinese chicken. We did have. One week was one of the biggest ones. New Orleans is sick of man. I don't want to swim. You don't have that. What? It sounds like we don't have that.

They have it. They made me a little young. They have it. They have it. They have it. So you don't get it. That's why we brought you here. We brought you here. We brought you here.

We wanted you to connect. Yeah, translate from American to Canadian. When necessary. You guys want to sit down and answer some questions? Yeah, let's start the show. Oh, the lights go on. I like that. Yeah, nice.

That's nice. Yeah, yesterday was blue, too. You don't like the blue? No, I'm just saying. It's like a theme. Yeah. Okay. Blue is the color of depression and sadness. Let's start the comedy show.

Who wooed depression? Good on you. Let's not stigmatize that shit. Jake, what are you drinking? At the moment, nothing. What's that bottle? This is a bottle of Kentucky's finest bourbon here. I don't know if that's Kentucky's finest bourbon.

Kentucky's cheapest bourbon here. Find those you'll afford. No, I still have some left, thank you. So as you guys probably know, I'm holding in my hand real questions from real people. All we need are fake names to preserve their anonymity. I heard...

So you guys maybe know that someone named Crandis has been to every live show ever. He's been the first person to say their name. That said, I think you said Jaundice. It's what Crandus is afflicted with. That'd be a bummer. What do you want to call him? I don't know. Jaundice. That's the baby's name.

You name the baby whatever the baby has. Can I get a last name, sir, for Jaundice? Jaundice Morogin? What? That is perfect. Jaundice morogan what that is perfect jaundice morogan there is morogan your lesson oh oh that sounded so made up morogan what what is your it's named after Joe Rogan but it's like a fake Rogan. Yeah, Mo Rogan. What's that from?

Country-wise. That's impossible. Well, it's not impossible, but I doubt it. He's gone dead. Yeah, Morovian. I killed him. Don't fuck with me. I'll ask you the wrong question, dude.

I'll ask you questions your brain can't even fucking think of, man. Where is my last name from? Brain's on the floor. Shit, I shouldn't have said something. What was that phrase that you came out to, the song? Oh, disrespect your surroundings. Yeah. Every time someone dies,

that's what song plays. Yeah, because they have to at all. Disrespected their surroundings by their death. All right. John Disbarogan writes, I'm in a very strange situation. Two weeks ago while I was having dinner with my girlfriend, she told me that her male gay friend

will often grab her boob or spank her butt. She assured me that it was not sexual and that she was completely comfortable with the situation. I immediately told her that I did not want any guys, gay or straight, to be touching her boobs or butt. And that situation made me uncomfortable. She freaked out. She called me an asshole and accused me of being a homophobe which is completely false since the argument

we have been very distant and I fear that this could have ultimately led to our breakup if you were in my shoes what would you do love, jaundice let's go to for Jaundice. My Rogan. Let's go for Jaundice. Is it more fine if it's a gay touching your woman's boob or butt?

I feel like that was a terrible sentence. Let's say you just the inflection. Let's say you're the local gay. I don't want to participate. The town gay. Yeah, the town gay. Everyone has one. Medicine hat has two.

Every town's got them. Kids today, every town's got a gay. First off, if this this discussion if this particular discussion ends your relationship I don't know how solid that was right thin ice

thin ice like I think they're both being kind of dickheads though don't you think yeah well this if you take

I feel like you just have to take the gay thing out of it because we shouldn't even be thinking in terms of if he's gay or straight right just like a person touching I don't even see gender dude I don't even see thinking in terms of if he's gay or straight, right? Just like a person touching. I don't even see gender, dude.

I don't even see gender. I think you could be, you're like a Ken doll to me. So if you don't see gender, there is... No, you're a Ken doll with long lashes and a sick-ass beard, man. Thanks, man. Except for his actual penis, and he is physically a man, so it doesn't matter.

So you do see gender. Go ahead. But if you took the gay part out of it, if it was just a person, anybody, penis and he is physically a man. So it doesn't matter. So you do see gender. But if you took the gay part out of it, if it was just a person, anybody, male, female, gay, straight, anything, and they were feeling your girlfriend up and smacking her on the butt, is that like it's not illegal? Well, it is not illegal.

Are we in court? You're on here. How am I being thrown in jail for this? All I did was touch her butt. It's not illegal, but... Boobs. But boobs. The buddy can get P.O.'d about it,

but, you know, it's a lady's body, yo, and if she wants to get a little kick, like, she also needs to... Let me have the counterpoint about it being the lady's body, actually. You finish and then I have a fucking diatribe. You're gonna love it. I can already tell my man's pissed.

Look, I got married for one reason, one reason alone. To own property. But, until that point, because it does sound like they're married, until that point, although she's kind of being a jerk for like, this guy's like, that makes me feel uncomfortable, and she's like, fuck you. Her response is like, suck a dick, dude.

I'm getting groped. So that's kind of an insensitive thing to say. So they're both being jerks, kind of. Yeah, I think the rule is, you can be mad at anything. That's fine. That's your prerogative. Wow, that's awesome. Yeah.

And I will. What are you going to be mad at right now? Not enough exits in this place. I see two, three. I think there should be 40. So a room of doors? That should be sound like you want the show to be outside. Yeah, that should be 40. So a room of doors? That should be sound like You want the show to be outside.

Yeah, that would be nice. You can always be mad, but you're not allowed to expect anything to come of it. That's true. You definitely can't expect other people to share your anger. Would you say his concern is founded,

unfounded, or gay? Keep in mind, only one answer is incredibly insensitive. I should have studied for this test. Damn it. Why didn't I read chapters two through six? It's the same bad teacher from earlier. Pop quiz, hot shots. Would you say his fear or his anger or his anxiety is normal or abnormal?

I could see him as a straight man being like, what the heck? Why is it okay? He's still a guy, but I get where he's coming from. He's a guy, but he touches it. I slap Amir's butt all the time. Just playfully. And I'll fondle his tits a little bit. Just because we're bros.

And sometimes I will 69. But as a joke, dude. As a joke. Because it's funny. It's funny, dude. I'm literally laughing as I do it. I'm cracking up on that dick. I'm giggling.

I'm giggling and gaggling. I think you could definitely, there's like more information to come from, like what kind of slapping and fondling is it? Well, if I could ask that guy a question, it would be, would you be equally mad if a woman was fondling the boobs and touching the butt? Oh, I was about to go there, dude. Do you think he would be just as mad?

Or what if you were just like, hey, actually, we could either stop the gay guy touching your girlfriend, or we could get a lesbian that will like grab your dick every once in a while oh that's a good one like status quo quick quote quote quote cratch my crack and I cratch yours because the thing is he may he may have a little he may have a little little uh your polyamorous fucking... I'm sweating. Now we're going. He may have a little situation on his hands. He's got to just flip the coin and see that it's

come up tails and baby, he's going to the bank. I'm talking Bank of Montreal. I'm talking no fees debit card.

Thomas is here to sell you some things. Because my point being it's like, okay, what about a lady grabbing and touching? You've got to ask about a lady grabbing. Is that okay? Is that threatening? And what if I want to walk around and get people to grab my donger and my tush

and squeeze my nips? Because if she's cool with that, then there's maybe... Now we're playing with fire. It almost doesn't matter what the other person is deriving pleasure from. It matters if she's deriving pleasure from it. In the end, don't you want your significant other to just be happy? Yeah, it seems like it's not a good fit.

You don't? This guy's like, boop. I want her to feel trapped and insecure at all times. As long as I'm happy and she's mine. And she better say, my dick is huge. As long as 50% of the people in a relationship are happy, that's a win. It's true. Statistically speaking.

Take a look at me. I'm miserable. A push is a win. That's what you're saying. A bush is a win. Go on. I think I finally won't. Giggle at the end.

A bush is a win. That was good. Are you talking about Gavin Rosedale's band Bush? Yes, I am. And I think they're a win. Can't argue with that. The specific question was, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Oh, kill myself. Go on. Yeah, break up with her, find someone way more traditional. Um... What would you do? You have a lady. Push her. Push her violently.

Physically, physically push her violently, preferably at the top of the stairs. I don't know. Shit, I don't know. Drive a car, jump out, say, your turn. Shit the stairs I don't know shit I don't know drive a car jump out say your turn I don't know just think about it off mic because like you're accidentally saying a lot of like crazy shit Just like think about it and raise your hand Shave her hair when she's sleeping What? Wait And burn the hair and then use the burnt hair as kindling to burn the house down

You just don't have it's not stream of consciousness Burn the hair. And then use the burnt hair as kindling to burn the house down. Claim insurance. You just don't have... It's not stream of consciousness. You gotta be on forensic files. Be on forensic files later on. OLL. You don't have to say every fleeting thought that comes through your very twisted, violent, perverted mind.

You gotta get out. Commit murder. I... Let's see. I think if maybe... If he's feeling like she can't see her point, so you just put the other person in their shoes, and if she's like, I'm actually cool with that,

then try it out, man. Who cares? I bet that kid's, I bet he's 20. That's awesome. He's actually nine. He's nine? Pretty baller, huh? Dude.

Shit's going to get crazy when you're 10, man. Now I like the idea of like a nine-year-old gay guy like, trust me, it's fine. Like they're having red wine. Oh, we're playing blocks, man. Now I like the idea of, like, a nine-year-old gay guy, like, trust me, it's fine. Like they're having red wine. Oh, we're playing blocks, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, relax, Tyler. I'm gay.

Yum, yum, yum. None of us know we're gay or straight yet, man. We're fucking nine. Ah, that's good stuff. But that is a personal barrier thing. It is weird. I mean, that's a thing. I think the most you can do is voice your displeasure.

You're saying, I'm uncomfortable. And then you take, if she doesn't do anything about it, then she doesn't have to do anything about it. If someone doesn't want to hear you, man, what can you do? Scream louder? You can break up. Did you say sue even louder? I said scream louder, but yes, sue for sure.

You can always bring a lawsuit. Yeah, lawyer up. Whether or not you. You can always bring a lawsuit. Yeah. Lawyer up. Yeah, if you're not, you have a case. You can always threaten it. You can threaten litigation. You can always pull out if they're going to take you to court. You think that gay man fondling you isn't a big idea? Well, here's a fucking

zero. Here. You've been served. You've been served. Alright. I feel like we really Handled that with a lot Of delicacy Gravitas I would say Yeah I would

We should have started this By saying We are fully qualified And our word is gospel Yeah Amen Anybody have a lady's name? Scarlet Penis Johansson

Scarlet Penis Johansson Oh I heard a beaver Scarlet Penis Johansson! Scarlet Beaver! Oh, I heard a beaver. Scarlet Penis Johansson? Is that from a movie? Are you talking about ScarJo? Hello, Esme. Yeah! You know,

I just got cast in a regional play. Here in Calvary? Here. I've been here only but a moment, and I've been cast in a loosely based adaptation of John A. McDonald's Rise to Fame and Power. You ever heard of him?

No. I have. Oh, come on. This can't grind your gears. And it kills me every second of every day. Because when it comes to McDonald's, I'm loving them. Insane. You know guys, when you go down there, no one knows...

No, like very few people, unless you're from like a Northern state, no one knows what A&W is. And no one, no one, no one knows what a GT Snow Racer is. I'm fucking serious. That is absolutely... No one knows what the Pratt Hall Special Edition... You're not even on your chair anymore. How is this happening? It's fucked up.

What is going on? You're acting like we captured you, and this is your one chance of getting freed. What do you want me to do? I know what an adult leader is. We gotta help him. You can leave. We're beef?

They're beefing. We're beefing. Maybe I've been out of Canada too long. What's happening? What's beefing? That's from a out of Canada too long. What's happening? What's beefing? It's from a video you weren't in. You can imagine.

Not interested. Yeah. Honey. Pass. What was the lady's name? Scarlett Penis Johansson III or something. A lot closer to that. All right.

Hi, dudes. I have a problem that's kind of different. Maybe you can help me out with it. I get nosebleeds all the time. That's right. It's about time. Like, every day. It sucks. I've been to several doctors who all say

that there's nothing surgical or therapeutic they can do. That's funny to you? Surgery? There's nothing surgical they can do to my arteries or veins in my nose and hopefully I'll grow out of it. But in the meantime, I just have to deal. My problem is that it's so embarrassing.

I'm in college and I've had to run out of class because my nose just starts gushing. One time I was making out with a guy and I bled all over his face. And luckily he wasn't that grossed out but I'm so afraid And I bled all over his face. Luckily, he wasn't that grossed out, but I'm so afraid that it can happen again and another guy won't be so forgiving.

How can I deal with this embarrassment problem and not become some weird nosebleed girl? I mean, there's no way I could make bloody noses a cool thing. Or... Yes, you can. I already have an idea. Also, do you think most guys would be super freaked out by a nosebleed in the middle of a hookup

or do you think they'd understand thanks for the podcast love Scarlett Penis Johansson Anil I got one initial it's real quick one initial suggestion off the dome when she feels one coming on when she's like oh, oh, fuck, here it comes, gushers. Just say to the guy, hey, do you like that one scene in the movie Blade?

And then, like, blow out of your nose. And he's like, I don't know if I've seen it. Oh! Turn on some trance music. Disrespect your surroundings. Yeah, that'd be great. Or she can handle it like it's a zombie movie. Like she can sneeze and then it's blood.

Yeah. And then she looks at the guy and she's like, get out of here. Run! Run! Two weeks. You used to get nosebleeds, you tell me. Yeah, I did actually.

What's the deal there? What's the science? How did you make them hot? Well, whenever I got them, I just let the blood run down my neck and chest. Cool, cool. You would embrace it. You wouldn't even stop it. I took my pants down

and I let the blood run down the shaft of my wall. Head back, right? Yeah, head back. River down. And then I did some, I performed some ancient chants. Shook my chicken bones. Yeah.

That's what you gotta do. When you start making out with somebody and then you start bleeding and they pull off and they see that you have blood running down your face, if you just start going, Oh, God, no more. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. You do a haka? Just do a haka. Right.

Anytime you nosebleed, do the haka. Hey, do the haka. What are you going to do? Do the haka. You're not a nerd anymore. You're a demon. Do the haka. I think it's a tough one. If you're hooking up with a guy with a sense of humor, you can make it a joke,. You're a demon. I think it's a tough one.

If you're hooking up with a guy with a sense of humor, you can make it a joke, and then it's funny. But if not, you are extremely strange in that situation. If you're like, ha-ha, that you do something strange that would normally be funny, and the guy's like, well, what is happening? Why are you doing a routine right now? Are you okay?

I think if you're a guy who has nosebleeds it's more damning because when a girl has a nosebleed and a guy's hooking up with her like for guys hooking up is so exciting they're willing to put up with a lot more like I can imagine a girl leaving if I had a nosebleed but there's no nosebleed a girl can have

that would have me leaving a hot make out sesh small price to pay. I'll fucking slurp it. She could be bleeding from any fucking artery. You've had sex with girls in the middle of a stroke.

Absolutely. As long as you can verbalize it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Abort, man. Abort. Push harder. No, dude. Please, no, no, no. Abort, man. No. Abort. Push harder. No, dude. Please don't. I'm gonna do that one.

Through the wall. I'll give a woman a CPR if it means that her nose will stop. Maybe it's a wake up and blow me. Oh, that was actually really fucked up. What the hell? That's not fair. This was not good. You can't.

That's not cool. What I said was a goof That's so fucked up You like put me on your shoulders Thomas gave me the basketball And then I dunked it And everybody was Yeah in the wrong net

At the wrong end of the court We were like it's there It's halftime But trust me Shoot there Shoot there And you did And we're like fuck you

Yeah that was a trap That was gotcha podcasting Gotcha podcasting Would you Would you ever kiss a girl During a nose Bleeder During

Like she's got one And then I'm in Oh good Oh you don't care Let me wipe that I don't know I would sort of wait Till it's done

And even But I wouldn't be like You bled Out of your nose Get out of here Like that would be You're fired Yeah

You're fired Yeah That's the president That's the president. That's the president. Oh, God. Oh, you guys don't like him here? Yeah. In America, we also hate him.

Yeah, I think if somebody, if someone started, like, nose bleeding, like, we get so many questions on our podcast that are like, oh, my dick doesn't work. It won't get hard. Or, oh, my dick got too hard hard and then i came really early yeah so like if somebody's if hers nose is bleeding i'm like good now anything can happen yeah and it's just even yeah it's like oh my nose is bleeding great because i jizzed in my pants when we were making out and now i can't get hard so you deal with that i'll deal deal with this. Let's reset. See you in 10 minutes. That's great.

That is a good one. Yeah. Thank you. Namaste. It gives the other person permission to share their terrible thing. It's a permission structure. So few people are left unscathed

in genetics wild game of fuck-uppery. Yeah, you got some good stuff going on, and then you got some bad stuff going on. I mean, my penis is too big, and like... So that's a good thing. My penis is huge, and it always takes me the perfect amount of time to cum.

I can count down. It sucks. Three, two, one, you're satisfied. Oh, yeah. Am I right? Yeah. It sucks. Three, two, one, you're satisfied. Oh, yeah. Am I right? Yeah. Oh, Dice Man. The Dice Man. Is he Canadian?

Yeah, Andrew Dice Glaze, 100% Canadian. Fuck you. Don't put that on us. Man, we got him. We want him. He's fun. Yeah, did we get it? I feel like there's one last little corner We got up

Stop picking your nose That's your problem, probably I pick my nose and I never had a nose I cry foul How deep do you go? Not deep enough Unless you're coming out with a little bit of brain, brother. I'll go so far on my nose.

Boogie boogie frontal cortex. My legs like spasming because I'm so deep. I'm controlling shit. I see you go knuckle here, out the ear. Yeah. That's the start of my little nursery rhyme that I do. Knuckle here, out the ear, tickle your little brain. And then the next stanza?

Out the mouth, in the eye, up the down the drain. Sorry, it was up the down the drain? Up the down the drain. Checks out. Any more to the nursery? Put a booger in your face and you'll find your day. So sorry, you didn't date with a slant rhyme,

you just, that was what, I'm setting up that final. Are you throwing that one to me? Put the booger in your face and then you'll find your day. My day? Get your hands off my girl. I don't care if you're gay.

Who do you think you are? That's that improv shit. That's called Yes and, Dill Close, UCB, IO, Second Sillies. Theater sports, comedy sports, Norse Norse, Korms Porns. What was the last one? Korms Porns.

Oh my god. Yeah. I feel like, don't worry. If anyone would be like, if she bled out of her nose, and everyone would be like, fuck you, I'm out of here. Fuck that guy. Yeah. Sucks. And I think it's disgusting. Let's go to the next question.

Two sides of the same coin. We're not even at the middle. Just relax for a second. Let's build that trust, you know? Somebody in the back, raise your hand. All right. I only saw a third row. Actually, I got a silhouette of a hand.

Oh, you got a silhouette? Can the silhouette of a hand stand up? Yeah, please stand up. No, you had it raised. Can you see the silhouette? I think it was a woman's hand. You saw from this far away? No, that way.

Oh, yeah, away. She's in the aisle. In the aisle, that person? Yeah, stand up. All right, you're standing up. All right, now you have to leave. Sorry, it's just this thing. We always ask one person from the show to go home.

You're the designated survivor in case somebody blows this hall up. You have to tell them what you lost in the first half. Those are the rules. Those are the rules. Do you have a guy's name? Gord? Like my father?

Sorry. My dad is a pumpkin. Gourd? Like my father? I like a good... My dad is a pumpkin. Your dad is a blumpkin? Yeah. That's how Jake was born. In a pumpkin patch. Oh, I thought you said blumpkin. My dad, no, I mean, my dad wishes he could get a blumpkin. My mother is way too much of a saint.

My dad is a full-on troll. He's like, he's a squash. Yeah, he's a squash. He's a zucchini man. Yes, exactly. He's a lima bean. He's a kidney bean. Frankly, he's a walnut.

That's what he is. I wouldn't even do him the honor of being a bean. He's an edamame, my father. You get it. Yay. Jake's building an awesome salad with all the things his dad is. Nasty dude. All beans and nuts in the salad. And then you right here in the camo sweatshirt what's Gord's last name? You got it you got it. Chipmunk it is. No, that wasn't yours.

I want something from your imagination. Everybody else. You know, you turn it around, you turn it to your right. You look straight and blown. You got this, dude. No filter. You can do this. And you know what? It's going to be awesome.

And I want you to stand up and say it because it's going to be the best name ever. Fuck it. Say it into the mic, dude. Out of your mouth. Say it into the mic, dude. Say it into the mic. You can't fuck this up because it's going to be great. Rub-a-lub-dub-dub. You have to go.

Rub-a-lub-dub-dub. Rub-a-lub-dub-dub. Gord Rub-a-lub-dub-dub. I actually like it. It works. Because it's like someone's like, hey man, what's your name? And the guy's like, Gord, what's your name? And the guy's like, gourd. No, what's your name, sir?

Gordon rub-a-dub-dub-dub. If you must know. Gordon Herschel rub-a-dub-dub-dub. All right, don't tell me any more of your name, actually, that's fine. Gordon Herschel McRachels for the second junior Esquire I'm a lawyer congratulations indeed by the way wow smart guy you overcame so much yeah I know. Plus, no legs. Uh-oh. Check me out.

Anyway, can I get a turkey sandwich? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy writes, I have a friend named Marcus who's a bit of an extra sometimes. That's right. Catty. And makes really bad but extravagant jokes. For the past few months, he's been getting into the habit of fisting his friends.

God. That is not a leverage. That's hilarious. That is assault. That's right. Walking up behind one of us and punching our anuses with full steam ahead. Guard! Oh, my guard. I swear to God, obviously there is no penetration,

but that's still really annoying. This one time he missed it hit my nuts. How is that fair? How is that legal? I put him in a chokehold once, like a goddamn hero or some shit, and we got into a scuffle. This would make me turn physically violent, and when I asked him to stop he straight-up doesn't some of my other friends have nervous

twitches now and cover their assholes anyone's hand around their butt it's really really agony. And very recently, he said he's going to start force fingering to get more penetration. This guy sucks. Should we have some kind of intervention? Love, Gord. Oh my God.

Go for Gord. It's very... Oh my God. It's courageous. What? Wow. What a terrible, terrible insight

into like male adolescence. Sorry. We get a lot of questions like this. We went through a lot of questions about the force fisting. It's silly. It's just boys being boys. Let's go on to the next one.

Oh, it's locker room fisting. It's locker room fisting. We all get punched in the butt flap sometimes. It's so funny because that is just like... What do you think he's punching when he does that? It's like if you're walking, the butthole faces down almost unless he's doing an uppercut. You're taking the friend's side right now.

Or he's going boom to the fucking tailbone. The thing is, I feel like most guys in the room know that guy. It's the same guy that like... That's how common it is in like male groups. It would be funny if I punched you in the asshole so fucking hard and I won't stop.

Even when you tell me don't do it. If you tell me not to, you're a pussy. Yeah, yeah. And then your asshole gets punched even harder. I will fight you over the right for me to, you're a pussy. Yeah, yeah. And then your asshole gets punched even harder. I will fight you over the right for me to punch you in your butt hole. Dudes, dudes, dudes, dudes. It's like the same guy that doesn't let you sit shotgun after you call it. You're not going to fight the guy because he really wants to do it.

Or he won't give you the remote because he's just being a dickling a little bit. And again, you can't fight this guy, because then it creates an even bigger situation. So you kind of have to ignore it, but then he gets off to the ignoring it, so he's punching you even harder. I think that guy's got a nickname. He's like Dongler or something like that.

There's like, I'm Gord, this is Ben, that's Josh, that's Mitch, and the fucking Squizzler over there. Yo, Squizzler, man! Hey, Squizzler, chill out. Yeah! Let's fucking punch our friends in the ass and wear them as a puppet.

Yeah, but don't do that, man. That's my shit. I'm a ventriloquist. Yeah. We're here with our... Yeah, but Squizzler, we're here with our wives, man. Yeah, chill. This is also a funeral, Squizzler. We're here with our wives man. Yeah, this is also a funeral Just it's one word chill dude chill You always tell us when you're super drunk how alone you are

Chill I'm a force figure of the corpse. Yeah. Remember all those times? Remember like how once a month you're always crying about how like sad you are? Hey man, don't bring that shit up right now. Yeah,

it's because you keep fisting guys but they don't want it to happen. And that's the only way you can like express yourself. It's almost really sad. Is everything okay? No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're a bitch. It's funny. How's your relationship with your dad, Quizzler?'re a bitch. It's funny. How's your relationship with your dad, Squizzler? Ah, whatever, man. Dad's good? Dad's good. Yeah, because you had said

two months ago you reached out via email and you said you didn't know if you were going to reply or not. Knock it off for him. Punch him in the a**, man. All right. You okay, Squizzler?

It's okay to talk about. I'm going to fucking grab your dick off. Hey, Squizzler, I'm going to hug you, man. It's not your fault. I'm going to hug you. Dude, do it. I'm going to hug you. It's not your fault. Don gonna hug you, man. It's not your fault. I'm gonna hug you. It's not your fault.

Don't hug me, man. It's not your fault. I'll fucking scrape your taint if you hug my ass, dude. It's not your fault. I fucking love you, dude. I fucking love you, dude. I fucking love you, dude. And that's when you punch him in the ass.

The one good thing you can do to Squizzler is you can injure him and no one will be sad for him. Wait, you can what? Like, if he goes to punch you once, you, like, take his arm and then, like, all your friends break his wrist. And literally no one would care.

Like, Squizzler would cry. You American history ex him. Yeah. And he can't explain it to people because he'd be like, have a cast. And they're like, what happened? I punched people in the fucking ass. He has to, like, get into the story.

Well, my thing is... Yeah, I have a fucking splint because I keep punching my dumbass friends in the ass and they broke my fucking arm. And they don't know that I'm fucking ambidextrous with that shit. Yeah. My painting career. I don't know that I'm fucking ambidextrous with that shit. My painting

career. I don't know why I went there. That is actually kind of a dilly of a pickle, because if you have a squizzler in the group, if you have a squizzler, and you want to tell a squizzler, like, we love your energy, we love what you bring to the table. So funny.

Friday nights are a riot with you. We love Shabbat with Squizzler. Yeah. My cousin's bar mitzvah, you made it. You're the man, Squizzler. You're literally the man. But Mitch, Tyler, Chad, Kyle, and myself, Gord, Kyler, Kyler, Kyler, are they like flat rimmed fox hair or snowboard dudes?

Like, Kyler, Krogan, Brody, Skyler, Kraden, Kaden, Bladen. I was Bladen, by the way. Bladen. We actually, we don't want this anymore. That would actually, if you said, if all the crew sat him down and said that, he would probably be really sad. Right, like a true intervention. He mentioned it in the email.

Like, should we have an intervention? Well, I only have one follow-up question. It's like, do the other friends think this? They love it. If the other friends love it, Gord's being a bitch. I knew it. The intervention turns on him. Line them up!

Cato nine fists. Reverse Ferris wheel his anus. What? A reverse Ferris wheel is when you put everyone's arms together and you go from down to up across the anus Down up down to up. You don't know this one, Jake? So I thought you liked porn. No, no, no. It's like internet 101, dude. I fucking love reverse Ferris wheeling anuses. Yeah, man. That's my shit.

You know. Cuz I just made it up. Me too. I am not a pro. That was Nixon. That was one of the good presidents now. Dude, all we're trying to do is make it great again. I guess if the podcast is a fire you,

how do you deal with squizzlers in your life? I would guess if the podcast isn't far from you, how do you deal with Squizzlers in your life? I would say if the general consensus of the crew is like that's, we don't like it, I think it's totally cool next time you're all together

to be like, stop, man. And don't joke around. Just like, don't do it with a smile. Don't laugh. Yeah, that's going to be the hard part. Because then he's like,

oh yeah, it's working, it's working. You actually have to stop punching us. Yeah, just be like, it was funny, we like you, don't punch us in the butthole anymore. Find a new thing. And it could be that he punches you in the dick,

and you're going to have to deal with that for a bit. Do you ever have nut shots at your school? Do they have that in Canada? Oh yeah, nut shots. Nut shot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was me. We had hip check.

What's that? What's hip check? Is that like a Persian hockey player of sorts? Yeah, that was me. We had Khipchak. What's that? What's Khipchak? Is that like a Persian hockey player of sorts? Yeah, yeah. A little bit of Khipchak. But yeah. God, you got to let a bit run its course. I want to know how long it's been.

If it's been months or like years. I'm more like a, this is like lead pipe to the back of the head, dumps Squizzler in a lake type situation. Nobody likes the guy that Squizzler grows up to be. Like we know now that he's a bad person, right? No. I'm sorry, I don't want to incite murder every show, but this one's fine. I think Squizzlers are the most sad guys of the whole crew. So once they outgrow it, they're like, oh man.

That was Squizzler. We oh man. Cops are here. We gotta go. Thank you so much. Take him out. That was fun. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Three red dots. Shooter. Active shooter. We're safe here. We're safe here. We're back in America all of a sudden.

Laugh at our pain, why not? I would try to ignore it. That's how I would deal with it, because I feel like he gets off to it. You don't have to ignore a punch to the fucking colon. But I feel like he has been ignoring it. It's literally at the point where he wanted to fight him. Yeah, because it's hard to ignore.

Actually, this is really perfect, because we have three differing opinions. You say talk to him, I say murder him, and you say don't do anything. Yeah, ignore him. Let's get the, want to do fucking audience opinion? That's cool. A poll? So text Jake what you think.

A, B, or C. He's at 204-159-8582. Did you really say the last, oh, wow. You gave the area code? They don't know the country code. Yes, they do. It's plus one. Wow, I would have given that away. All right, let's do round of applause. Yes, they do. It's plus one. I wouldn't give that away.

All right, let's do a round of applause. All right, yeah, that works too. Who murdered Swizzler? Yeah, I went to murder him. We don't actually have to do it. A shocking amount. A shocking amount of you are down with killing someone. Which I think feels fun now, but after, when you see a dead body, you're like, I regret this. A shocking amount of you are down with killing someone.

Which I think feels fun now, but after, when you see a dead body, you're like, I regret this. What are we going to do with this? When you guys find me after the show and I'm just sobering up, like drinking a couple waters, I'm like, here's how we're going to go in. And everyone's turning to you. And I'm going to need you to do it. Yeah, you'll get desensitized. Grab a shovel. All right, try to remember what that sounded like

though. Okay, yeah. And then how many people would ignore the fister? Yeah! Definitely. The most passionate don't do anything and no one else. The more people would kill this guy. Yeah, more people

would want to kill him than ignore him. Calgary, baby! Stampy! And then what was the last one? Have a conversation. Have an intervention. Have a heart. Thomas wins, but murder was a close fucking second.

All right, let's get a round of applause as we go into our break. Thanks. Game Boy. Game Boy or Game Boy? Both. Game Boy is a podcast character that Jake does. He's an androgynous robot that likes playing one game,

and that's searching for words in our Gmail inbox. And when you just say Game Boy, he appears. He doesn't. Is it too embarrassing to do in front of Thomas? You guys, he is... I really look up to Thomas, and I want him to think I'm funny, and if I do a fucking Game Boy, then I like everything. I'm Lorne Michaels.

Give me your three characters three impressions First of all, thank you for the opportunity. This is really awesome time sticking man. Okay Yeah, so I knew this one thing which is a guy who's obsessed with games when he here again Here's the word games. He sort of has an orgasm. So could you be deleted? Hey, let's play a game. Oh All right. That is it. Oh, you're interested. That's one.

Really? Two more characters, three more impressions. Okay, I knew a Surge dude character, which is like a guy that has a friend named Surge and he's grown up and he wants to do sort of mundane, childish things. Okay. Fuck.

Hey, Surge man,. Surge, man, let's play Twister, dude. Very funny, very funny. Oh, you like that? And then keep in mind, you've got three... Okay, Hard One Sherwood. Yeah, I have like a... Wow.

I play like a guy that was raised by dwarves. From a dwarf image, right? Yeah, he play like a guy that was raised by dwarves. From a dwarfenage, right? Yeah, he's a human dude that was left at the foot of the Iron Deep mountain, raised in the dwarfenage, and he's just, he's a fucking guy, and he has an axe. Okay, what does he sound like? What does he sound like?

Give me a line of dialogue. Give me a horn of your finest ale. Okay. A horn of ale? A horn. A horn. One horn of your finest ale. Okay. A horn of it? A horn. One horn of ale. Do you still want to hear the impressions or you've heard enough?

Yeah, let's give one impression and then we'll see what we got. Impression. Impression? Sorry, it's not a microphone. Whisper! It's an Uber driver! Whisper!

An impression? Guys, an impression is of an existing person. Oh, you could do a good Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, Mark Wahlberg. Just so you know, it's been done on the show, but go ahead. I don't know if I could do as good of a one as Andy Samberg can do. You can try. I'm the one fighting here.

Not you, not you, not you. Isn't that good? Say, what about the bees, you guys? What about the bees? What about the bees, guys? From the shitty movie. Yeah, yeah, from The Happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we can do Anthony Kiedis. Let's do Anthony Kiedis, Kermit the Frog singing a Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Okay. Can't fight the spear with Peppa Deepoo. Yeah, so that's... That is excellent. We have the job.

Yes, you both are on SNL. Whoa! What an honor. Finally. Should we answer any more questions or do we think we got it? Lonely and Horny 2! Lonely and Horny 2! Oh, Lonely and Horny 2. We shot it.

We shot it and we edited it and we hope it's going to come out soon. Yeah, it's happening. Alright, let's get a round of applause. We're back from break. We got a good question from a German man. Do you do a good German accent?

I feel like you... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got that in you, right? What? Do you have a German man? Do you want him to be, like, happy? I don't even know Do you mean like a really positive guy?

Well he's kind of a bad guy but I think that's funny He's positive about people Yeah like he's like this is a fun night We should all go out I feel like we got a really good energy Like after the show like let's party What's this guy's name? His name is like, his name...

Oscar's pretty good. Yeah, I'll take Oscar and then... Like, I... Like, Sni... Like, Sni-Slicer. So, my name's Oscar with a K, sorry. Oscar Sni-Slicer. Okay. Oh, it really starts off, you really know. So my name's Oscar with a K, sorry. Oscar Schneischleiser. Okay.

Oh, it really starts off, you really know. Hey guys, I'm German. Okay. I'm a 24-year-old guy, and to cut right to the cheese... Just a little German joke. Yeah. And to cut right to the cheese,

I am in a secret relationship with the girlfriend of a not so secret friend of mine. How German. The friend is not secret. Now we love each

other secretly for a year and they are still, and they are still officially together. We haven't had sex involving actual penetration.

But she jerks me off regularly. And I... And I finger her when she wants it. I am 100% satisfied that he's a positive guy. I just don't want a first real sex to be overshadowed by guilt. I don't really mind her being still together with my friend. My situation is pretty comfortable. I don't have any obligations, so everything nice I do to her comes from love alone. And I'm very confident that she will

leave him since they are constantly fighting and I haven't seen and I haven't even seen them kiss each other in months. Maybe maybe he will even leave her. Maybe. One can only hope. Everything bad that happens in their maybe one can help everything bad that happens in their relationship makes me look better in comparison and I don't want

to pressure her since time runs in my favor more German everything's about time logical plotting German. Like a fucking

a wily hung. Okay. Every, oh, maybe even he, maybe he will even leave her. Everything bad that happens in their relationships makes me look better in comparison. And I don't want to pressure her since time runs in my favor.

I already said that. In the worst case scenario, I can still confess the affair to him comparison. And I don't want to pressure her, since time runs in my favor. I already said that. In the worst case scenario, I can still confess the affair to him myself, and there will be no recovery for their relationship. Looks like, looks like I am holding all the cards. And then an asterisk. McLean. And then an asterisk.

Kanye sound. That's the J-pop. German ass. Oh, I see. I plan on waiting even after they split for a decent amount of time before we will officially become a pair so he might be cool with that at that point

I know I'm a bad boy but bad boys I'm dying this is an incredible character I know I'm dying. This is an incredible character. I know I'm a bad boy, but bad boys want all the toys, so don't be coy.

All right. I left the moral course of action, but the girl would be worth the effort since I love her more than any girl before. She is a smoking dime, a dame to die for, I'm down to settle down with. He's really getting his like Americanisms going. If I could be with her forever, but could never see another girl again, I would sign that contract with my blood.

So, what do you think of my situation? If life is a game, and I play to win, is this patient manipulation the right way to go? If the wrong road leads to the right destination, was it ever wrong to begin with? Signed, yours, Oscar with a K. Sorry. Schleusel.

Schleusel. Jesus Christ. Okay. Literally had an exit because of that. Jesus Christ Okay If the Literally had an exit Because of that If the wrong road Leads to the right destination Was it ever wrong to be

That's That was Hitler's saying During the Holocaust He's a He's a great guy I almost want to like Interview him Through you

Almost like Yeah So we can get to an answer Sure if you want Yeah I just sort of think That like You're so sure interview him through you, almost like, so we can get to an answer or something. Sure, if you want. I just sort of think that, like... You're so short, but also a little insecure at the same time. Well, you know, I like you guys, and I want your advice.

Yeah. But, you know, I just want you to know that I love her. Yeah. So much. Well, how do you feel about your friend? He's a nice guy. Yeah? I mean, I've known him for a long time. Yeah, you don't feel about your friend? He's a nice guy. Yeah? I mean, I've known him for a long time.

Yeah, you don't have any qualms about fucking the girlfriend? Yeah, but really, are you a good guy if you treat such a hot baby with so much disrespect? Why do you think she hasn't left him yet, the boyfriend? Maybe she does love him. Oh, my God. I hope that that's not true. It's been a year. Yeah, but in our private moments

when I'm reaming her as hard as I can. With my fingers. When she wants it. Yeah, she's telling me how much she likes being fingered. And not to mention how much she likes jerking me off. But don't worry, we play it safe.

No actual penetration. Would you say you're a bad boy? Oh, I'm one of the baddest boys. I have a 175cc scooter with an aftermarket exhaust pipe on it. Is your friend fucking her? Yeah, well, I don't know. That's the thing.

You know, they fight all the time. You've never seen them kiss in ten months? I haven't seen it, so, but maybe, you know, here in Germany it's pretty common to fuck without kissing. So, who knows? I almost prefer it. Yeah, it's really hard to tell. Right, just like, unrelated to this situation,

what's like your day in Germany? What do you usually... We want to get to know us. Okay, sure Absolutely love to tell you when do you wake up? I wake up about 5 a.m Because the day is amazing The game is amazing but when you see the day Arriving that's even better. So you wake up before the Sun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like to watch the sunset. Yeah, yeah, I'm a rise.

So sun comes up, what's the first... What are you doing for breakfast? For breakfast, I eat one blink of sausage, and then I drink one glass of milk. You eat a... You have one sausage and one glass of milk.

But then I go to my local coffee shop, and I drink 12 pints of coffee. So much. Yeah. And then I get behind the counter and show those young guys a thing or two about... Teamwork there? But I know how to roast a bean.

Oscar, if you don't mind me asking... I'm a bit of a bad boy. I know how to roast a bean. Where do you work, if not the coffee shop? Well, after I do a little bit of volunteer barista work. I go work at my cool design office.

Where is that? It's in downtown. It's downtown. Downtown. What city are you from in Germany? Downtown what? It's downtown Munich. Nice. Yeah? And it's got it's the one design building

that's all glass and it's inverted. What are you talking about? I have to ask. Upside down pyramid? It's like the building's upside down right? So the doors are a little bit higher. And you open the window sills down. Right? Do you know what I mean?

No. Like, don't worry, don't worry. Don't freak out. The desks and everything, they're on the ground. But really, they're on the ceiling of the building. Yeah. And you know how overhead lighting is?

You know it? Yes. It's underhead lighting. Everything is underhead. It's underhead, and you go around, you know, and you say hi to your friends, right? But in the end, you're walking on the top of it. Yeah, because the building's upside down. It's absolutely crazy.

And that's the kind of things we do at my design office. What's the company? What? What's the company called? Design Incorporated. Makes sense. And we program things and make things on the computer and draw things on the paper.

Fine. It's really fun. You should come by. Swing by. Nighttime, where are you? What are you doing? Nighttime. I'm hanging out with my friends. And when they stop, I keep going.

What was that? Nighttime, I kick it off with a little bit of MTMA. And a little bit of acid. That's already a little bit of two pretty crazy drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's chill. I've been doing it every day for 25 years.

24 years. Why 24 and not 25? Because that's how old I am. You started when you were fucking one? Yes, yes. My parents put LSD in their breast milk. Anywho. Then after I've gone out to the club,

hopefully I've asked if, well, I'll keep the names out of it, but hopefully I asked the girl, right, my side dime piece. Yeah, the one that's dating your best friend. Yeah, if she's up, and if she's up and I'm still going, well, then I finger the absolute shit out of her. I finger her until she passes out. Oh, no.

And then you're waking up at five? Yeah, and then I wake up at five and do it all over again. What a life, huh? What a life. We don't need to give this guy advice. You guys have been amazing. Thanks again for Thomas for having us. Thank you, Thomas.

And thanks to you guys for coming. Thank you. The next you guys remember That was a HeadGum Podcast The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken Then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.