Segments - 322: Hall Pass (w/Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Friend and comedian Billy Scafuri joins us to discuss hip hop, long hair days, and Billy's new short film "Triple Kiss!"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only Amir and Jake Hurwitz If I were you show is the coolest HeadGum videos are the neatest If you send a question they will read it

They'll think of great advice then they'll speak it Jeff the dumbass rep in Cleveland. This is what you want. This is what you want. This is what you want. This is what you want. Ha! Oh.

Damn. Finish strong. You guys got Kendrick? Oh, you got the parody? Kendrick sounds weird when he's not mixed and mastered. I didn't know that that was a Kendrick Lamar parody, but that's what he said. Did you know that it was? I knew it was familiar, but I would not have ever placed the song.

Do you know what the song is called? No, but I could rap some of the lyrics. Oh, okay. Go for it. At one point, they go, I'll be blacking out. I'll be blacking out. That's cool. The weekend.

The weekend. The weekend, yeah. He says that at some point. He does that at the weekend. And the realist, maybe? Yeah. Rappers love the weekend. Yeah. You never hear love the weekend. Yeah.

You never hear anyone rapping about Tuesday afternoon. Actually, they say going up on a Tuesday. Oh, yeah, that's true. You never hear Eminem rap about Wednesday. Actually, he says, I was waiting for it. Shika, shika, my name is Slim Wednesday. Billy Scafuri in the house.

I should say that that person is named the Mac-tastic gorilla. That's who made the song for us. Okay. Did he make the beat? The Mac-tastic gorilla. I guess he took the beat from that Kendrick Lamar song, The King's Dead. And he said, instead of shouting out a sound cloud, can you shout the solutions project instead? Its focus is to transition everything into 100% renewable clean energy. Okay. But what about that SoundCloud?

I mean, get that link out. Let's hear the rap, though. Was his name MacTastic Daddy? Yeah, the MacTastic Gorilla. MacTastic Gorilla shouting out clean energy is really funny. Yeah, sounds like he does have a SoundCloud. But I guess he's above promoting that. He wants us to talk about clean, renewable energy.

His SoundCloud's good. Clean, renewable energy is in the shitter. Billy, you're an amateur rapper. What'd you think of that? I thought that was hot, hot fire. Really? Hot fire. Like, I'm going to need that SoundCloud link ASAP, Gorilla.

I'm going to need that Gorilla SoundCloud link. Do you still listen to new hip hop or are you just like more of like a classic hip hop kind of guy? I still listen to new hip hop. Like, do you know what's new and cool in hip hop? I don't know what's cool. Definitely don't know what's cool. Okay. Like people say 21 Savage.

Do you guys hear if people say 21 Savage? I've heard, yeah. Could you name a 21 Savage? Like I probably could sing 21 Savage songs, but I don't know. I don't even know what that is. You've never heard that? No. Okay.

Yeah. I don't think I could, but I bet if I heard it i would be like oh i know 21 set can you guys name who's the coolest like young youthful rapper that i got a good one okay lil uzi vert oh that's a good one oh yeah can you top can you top lil uzi vert jake no because i was gonna say post malone but i think lil uzi vert what about migos that's three of them that's three oh that's a group yeah so quavo is it quavo offset oh have you heard these names were offset i've heard yeah i've heard of quavo not really offset but there's a third person in migos yes i think so offsets marianne cardi b i get wow congrats that's a big one mazel tov offset they've actually been on and off since age 15 this is a self-help

group of dads trying to like figure out how to talk to their kids. I know. By the way, are you talking to Tyler? How do you learn? He's still in his room. I know all my hip hop from like House of Highlights clips. Right. So it has to be loosely related to basketball.

Right. How do you know about Lil Uzi Vert? Do you listen to the radio? Is it Spotify? Yeah, I listen. Well, both. I listen to the Rap Caviar playlist on vert. Do you listen to the radio? Is it Spotify? Yeah, I listen to both. I listen to the Rap Caviar playlist on Spotify. There you go.

And I listen to hip-hop radio. So we know what the cream rises to the top level of hip-hop. Right. But you're not trying to discover new hip-hop. Billy checks out mixtapes. Yeah. Billy likes the underground rap battles. There's a car wash by me that has some badass mixtapes that they sell for a dollar

at the trunk. I mean, a lot of unhearned hype. Were you actually rap fans at any point in your life? Yeah, like Eminem. Right. And like Jay-Z. Right. Yeah. Is that because we were young? I'm like the biggest rap fan now at 32 than I ever have been. Oh, you peak now? Really?

I'm peaking now, yeah. Because like in the mid-20s, like when you were in your mid-20s, that was Blink-182? Mid-20s? I guess that's only like 10, 15 years. I think mid-20s I was going through some sort of like... Indie rock? Yeah, indie rock. Right.

Yay-sayer. Tambourine and clapping. Yeah, yeah. Very yay-sayer. I belong with you. You belong with me in my sweet home. Just Lumineers on loop? Sure. It's kind of crazy how old Just Lumineers on loop. Sure.

It's kind of crazy how old the Lumineers song is because it still gets played as if it's new. Was that a contemporary of like Crash Into Me? Like I have no, like Dave Matthews band. Oh yeah. Dave Matthews band exploded and 12 bands came out of him. That's true. So the Lumineers, Monsters and Men. That's right.

All of those. That's true. Mumford and Sons. It's like, do you guys ever see Nightmare Before Christmas? Are you familiar with that movie? Yes. Yeah. Oogie Boogie is the bad guy at the end and they unzip him and then all the little creatures come running out of Oogie Boogie. That's Dave Matthews.

That's Dave. They unzip him and all these alt bands Jason Mraz skittles away. I do love that Dave is the fucking grandfather, man. Is he still playing? Dave's still out there? I saw him two years ago. Really? Yeah, I went to a Dave concert two years grandfather, man. Is he still playing? I saw him two years ago. Really? Yeah, I went to a Dave concert two years ago.

Did he play Ants Marching? He sure did, Billy. You think he has to still play Ants Marching? I think he still does make new music, but I don't... He knows.

I think he knows what's up. He's like a touring band now. He's like Fish or something. Because we saw Pearl Jam and they played all the hits. They closed with Jeremy and were like, great. That's exactly why we're here.

I guess you would think that that's maybe a little unsatisfying as an artist. Of course. Oh, nobody likes my new shit. Right. But then at a certain point

it must be freeing to be like, all right, I don't have to write any more songs. Harvard Sailing Team. That's our sketch comedy now. It's like we've written 500 sketches.

So you're just looking through a catalog and choose one. Quite literally. The week before our shows, sit down and be like, we have these 500 sketches to choose from. What do we want to do? When you're 12 years of being sketch comedy team, you do that. That's enough.

Dave Matthews can't talk about what it is to fall in love for the first time again. And we don't care. We just want to hear him crash into people. I want to hear Satellite, and that's it. Why do you think it's hard to make new good songs? Is it because it's kind of random, and you get lucky once, but it's hard to get lucky again? Or are you actually aging out of your artistry?

I wonder. Probably a little bit of both, I would imagine. Like, who bursts onto the scene as an amazing 58-year-old? Right. Paul Simon looked 58 when he burst onto the scene. Oh, Susan Boyle. Oh! Deep cut.

Have you heard her new shit, though? Susan Boyle really fell off. That's my favorite rapper. Susan Boyle. Vegas residency coming. I would love to see Susan Boyle sing the chorus on a Big Sean song. Lil Uzi Vert featuring Susan Boyle. Oh, check the internet in like three hours.

I'm alive. I'm into it. All right. What is this? This is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by Jake and I, sometimes just Jake and and i sometimes we have a best friend and today our best friend is billy who knows how many times you've been on the show at

this point yeah at least wait is this the third or four three solo there was there was one where we ate a filet-o-fish right after and there was one where so the i feel the two that i remember are uh billy was on right after trump was elected and then bill Billy was on and convinced us to eat a fish filet. Hey, I didn't convince you. The two worst things that have ever happened. That's fair. That's fair. The two worst things that ever happened

are directly... Trump is a human filet-o-fish. When bad things are in the air, Billy comes on your podcast. I will say, though, I did not make us get filet-o-fish. You had never had one either. I was of the mind that I've never had one

and I'm just curious what they taste like. And you said, after this podcast, let's go to McDonald's and get one. That does sound like me, I guess. And we did that. So that was my fault. I also, I'll take responsibility for the whole Trump thing, too. You said, let's try it. What's the worst that can happen? That's what he said. His hair

is the half slice of cheddar cheese that they put on the sandwich. We did, I got a lot of tweets sent my way about facts about the Filet-O-Fish. I'm sure you guys did too. And they do go half slice cheese, which is just like... So bizarre.

What a choice. What a choice. Why? You're starting with a slice. Just like drop the slice. You know what's another weird choice though in fast food is the Subway sandwich,

which just does a triangle out of the top of the sub. Like everywhere else, just fucking... What a triangle out of the top of the sub. Like everywhere else just fucking you cut it. By a triangle of cheese you mean. No,

you know what? They don't do this anymore. I think now they do cut it in half. I remember the triangle slices. The triangle in the beginning was just like a triangle. So they cut,

they slice the square of cheese diagonally instead of like across the middle. Yeah, they split the diamond. Yeah. They split the diamond.

Real strong choice. I always thought that was because they thought that when they closed the sandwich it Yeah. They split the diamond. Real strong choice. I always thought that was because they thought that when they closed the sandwich, it would look like fun ribbons. Like a grand opening ribbon parade hanging out of their sandwich. Yeah. That's my guess.

Subway is so bad. It's crazy. Do you like Subway? I like Subway. You kind of have all-American tastes. Yeah. I'll eat a Subway when there's nothing around.

I'm not that person who's like, I don't do Subway. You know what I mean? But coming from New York and Long Island, you're raised on real delis. You'll do. So, like, you see the triangles of cheese and you're like, Jesus Christ,

it's gonna be one of these days. You know what I mean? But it still smells really good in there. Yeah, just melt it all together on one thing. Yeah. Yeah. There's a, I've eaten Subway a couple times

when there's nothing else around. Of course. And there's always a moment, like, halfway through a Subway sandwich and you're just like, oh, no. It's happening. This isn't,

this isn't right. Digestion's happening. Oh, no. But, like, when you're just like, oh, no. It's happening. This isn't right. Digestion's happening. Oh, no. But when you're driving, say you guys are on tour, and you're driving from one Midwestern city to the other, and you have a long road in between, and you see those six highway signs with your six options coming up, it's like the hot places get sweaty on the road.

You know what I mean? There's something nice about subway. There's not a lot of heat. The problem is when you're already slumming it, you'd rather have the fried food. Just go all in. Yeah.

You'd rather just get a Big Mac on the road. Yeah, exactly. When are you slumming? Oh, you'd rather slum it with Subway than slum it with McDonald's. Subway, they got you

with their eat fresh shit. That's not real. Jared was not that thin by the end. I'm going to fucking say it. I can say it now because he fucks children. He's been holding this one in. He was not that thin by the end. I'm going to fucking say it. I can say it now because he fucks children. He's been holding this one in.

He wasn't that slim. Yeah. Like he got down to probably still a little bit fat. Like he like kept holding out a big pair of pants, but they could have just bought a big pair of pants. Honestly, he was gaining weight and they were buying bigger pants. I wonder if that's a verified fact. Is he in jail for life? Is that a jail for life type sitch?

I don't know. I don't. I feel like no. I feel like. Is he in jail for life? Is that a jail for life type sitch? I don't know. I don't... I feel like no. I feel like you get out of jail for murder. Right. Are we getting Jared? Are we getting Jared Fogle back, Amir? He's going to come back and do Quiznos.

I just want to know if we can expect a big Jared coming back out. It said sentenced to more... He got 15 years. Oh. We're going to see him again. It'd be really funny if he came out jacked this is what i was gonna say he could have like so many different body transformations that america has been watching oh man that's so strange prison jacked is a pretty scary jacked

yeah so jared you he lost a lot of money a lot of weight used in a subway but you really got to try to go to jail jail Jail. The new diet. Jail rid. All right. Let's get started. These are real emails from real people. All we need is a guy's name to preserve this real human's anonymity. Do you have a fake man's name, Billy?

Jared Toggle. Oh, who could he be talking about? We don't know. I have no idea who that represents. No idea. Jared Toggle writes, I have a problem. I have no idea who that represents. No idea. Jared Togle writes, I have a problem. I've been dating my current girlfriend for close to three years. We're dating in college

and we've been doing long distance for most of those three years. And it's been awesome. She's a freaking dime and I love her to bits. But there's one thing that's been bothering me. For the past calendar year,

I've been growing, excuse me, my hair out. I've always wanted to grow my hair out really long. And this is the first time Excuse me. and I'm at this point where I'm way too nervous to get it cut, even a little bit out of fear of not liking it for that short amount of time where it has to grow back out. I like my hair, but not a day goes by where I don't hear something about it. It's stuff like you should cut it. You look like a girl. It's stuff like I have dreams about you with having short hair

where I want to have sex with you so bad. Ugh, why won't you just cut it? There was even one time where she told me that me going down on her Ugh. bad, she'll tell me how me not cutting my hair for her is a sign that I don't care about her, because if I really loved her, I'd groom myself and try to look good for her. The thing is, I keep it clean, and I think I look good in it. I've confronted her about this constantly,

about how she's berating me over having long hair makes me feel super shitty. I've even just asked to keep it to herself, just to spare me, since I like it so much but every day or so it's why won't you cut your hair I'm not about to break up with her over this hair do you guys have advice

it sounds like it's weighing on you very heavily you might be considering it do you guys have advice or maybe a different way to approach it or should I just give in and cut it or am I just over inflating the issue and being a bitch extraordinaire? Thanks for, thanks a lot, lads.

Love, Jared Toggle. Jared Toggle. Wow. That's a tough one. That's a hairy situation. Nice. Alright, I'll be seeing you guys later. I'm gonna walk off stage now. Studio catches fire. Do either of you guys, sorry. Well, Jake is growing his hair, that's why I thought it would be a good question to read. I'm not necessarily growing it.

Well, I guess I haven't gotten it cut in a long time. It looks very good. But you do do these things where you grow your hair for a while or you grow your beard for a while. Firstly, why do you do that? I like, I don't know. For me, it baffles me, people that have one haircut or one beard style forever. You like changing it up. Yeah.

You change it up to the point that it almost disgusts you by the end. And you're like, I have to fucking get rid of this thing. Yeah, I like playing in extremes. I like when my beard, like right now my beard is like three months long, I think. Yeah. And it feels kind of gross. But I love the feeling of shaving it. I don't know.

There's something satisfying about that. But you've been a lot, I think the grossest thing you've done is grow your beard for six or eight months. Yeah. And it was long. I did six months. Yeah, that was hard.

Even your mom was like, you should trim. Everybody told me I needed to. Yeah. Which is the thing that will make you never do it. When the whole world's like, you really should. I was in a bet with Streeter then. Oh, with your beard and

his hair. Yeah, that was the reason I did this. I think that beard ended up being like six months. Right. You're blessed with good hair though. Make no mistake. Amir, when we were working out this morning, I was like, wow, you just came back from Israel. You could use a haircut. I haven't seen your hair this long before. And both realized like our hair me and amir's hair

like grows out like out and up a little like we don't have like the hair that like yours just like flows down and it's like fun jake you know like you can like do all sorts of cool styles like back you can like tuck behind your yes you can talk in all sorts of different areas on the skull yeah i mean i'm better than mine you know you guys would both have great long hair no i mean you'd be a silver these are two guys who know that as fact it would just be thick jufro for me i don't know what yours looks like long i'm not jewish but i have a jufro 100 like it doesn't grow that like there's no gravity that like pushes my hair down at some point and like I can like slick it around. Yeah, at a certain point, it would have to hit your shoulders.

But like. I don't know. I think it grows up like Marge Simpson. I feel like I have this conversation with people about beards all the time too. You told me that you couldn't grow a beard once. And so did your friend Jesse. Yeah. No, you grow a nice beard.

It's kind of like patchy. No, that's a good beard. You can still see my like skin underneath it. I think. I think that's a good beard. You can still see my skin underneath it. I think that's a sign of a not good beard. Okay. But to each her own. Anyway, have you ever gotten shit from your lady about growing? Not from Jill, but yeah, I've gotten shit from ladies before.

Yeah. And do you take it to heart? Do you have to take it to heart? I think if you care about somebody, you sort of automatically take it to heart do you have to take it to heart i think if you care about somebody you like sort of automatically take it to heart but then also if they care about you then they should respect when you like something it's like i see it from both sides yeah it's like i don't know it's like if a lady was growing her hair out um it wouldn't bother me but like if if somebody i was seeing was like i'm gonna get a bunch of tattoos on my face, I feel like I'd have to say like, don't do that. Right.

I think the more equivalent is like if you were dating somebody and she was like, I'm going to shave my head. Oh, yeah. That's like a female extreme. Yeah. And that's a tough one because it's like you do, it's your body, you can do whatever you want. Right.

But at the same time, remember there was like a whole Friends episode where it was like Ross being like now that she's shaved her head she's completely unusable to me oh that episode did not age well

a lot of Friends episodes actually didn't it's a great show a lot of things did it in retrospect yeah a lot of people didn't

actually what the equivalent to me Chandler didn't age well either for Chandler shaved head is one thing that is kind of unfortunate, but what I dislike more than that is armpit hair. Like a lady growing out her armpit hair as like, you know,

I don't know, for whatever reason. Right. Where like that would kind of gross me out to a point where that would be quote unquote worse for me than shaving a head. I hear that. But at the same time, I can't be like, you have to do this for me. Right. I don't think that anyone should ever have the ownership over another person to like

say like, you need to do this now. Right. You know, especially not a significant other. You hope that like there's a level of respect where you can make a suggestion and not say we need to end this relationship because your hair is a little too long. Do you get, do you get a ladies being like, you got to cut your hair is a little too long do you get do you get uh ladies being like you got to cut your hair i mean like when i don't when i like i marina will suggest sometimes like hey it's time to get a haircut but that's not like anything like this it's not like get it or i'm not attracted to you yeah it doesn't shatter all these things i think it all comes back to like some kind

of communication where like so say you're you're with somebody that was growing out their armpit hair yeah and you're like oh that's like not something I'm into. Yeah. But you can't relentlessly be like, you must shave, I'm unattracted to you. So all you can say is, I don't like that. Do with that information what you will. Right.

But I think the constant reminding somebody that the way you're behaving is ugly to them. Right. And if it makes you happy, I actually think it's grounds for termination. I agree. And I think this dude

should fucking let the flow flow. Yeah. Choose the hair over the girl. Yeah. I fully support. I think so. He's in college. He's probably got

a fucking amazing flow. And he's like, he's not seeing, I mean, I've never been in a long distance relationship like this before, but like, I imagine that something about like just living in the now and like's like, he's not seeing, I mean, I've never been in a long distance relationship like this before, but like, I imagine that something about like just living in the now

and like saying like, this is how I'd like to look right now. You want to like experience that. But if you're just tethered to someone who you don't even see and can experience you on the day to day. Yeah. That's tough. That's also what college is about is like finding out who you are. Yo man, if it makes you happy in your heart to have long hair.

Get weird. And like, that's, that's the new you. Agreed. you are exactly yo man if it makes you happy in your heart to have long hair get weird and like that's that's the new you agree and that's a very college thing too like like not cutting your hair for a year totally i feel like i did that and a bunch of my friends like went a year or two just to see what the hell happened the whole rugby team did it for me yeah we just like spent the whole season we said no haircuts yeah and i never went i never went to college and that's why i do that shit now i'm just trying to catch up with How long has he gone? Without a haircut? Yeah.

Probably like a rugby season, so like six months or something like that. And what did it look like? Fro. Really fro-y, like curly, knotty, nothing good about it. We don't have to get into it. I'd like to see it with a beard.

That's what I want to see. It'll take some work. Wow. If I didn't shave now, so now it's the end of March, by July, I might be near Amir's level, maybe. I've never gotten to Amir's level. Oh, really?

Wait, have you ever done beard? How often do you shave? I mean, I told Jake, usually when I'm writing, so if it's like a project that'll take a month, I won't shave that entire time. It's like just focus on something else. And you've never noticed the beard. You know what I mean? Like I've probably gone six weeks and you've never noticed it. I want to see it um one thing last thing i'll say about this though is that you gotta ask you gotta ask questions in

a relationship i feel like that's the only way to like actually advance things and it's like if one half of the relationship is just saying don't do this i don't like this i don't like this it's like try asking like why do you like why are you growing out your hair what do you like about it you know what i mean it's a lot easier to understand somebody when they tell you their motivations behind it. You know what I mean? Right. That's the question. There's like another layer above it.

Like, why are you doing this? Why do you care? Versus cut your hair. I don't want to cut my hair. I mean, who reacts well to being told what to do? Nobody, you know? But it's like, if somebody like talks you through it, it's like, we all understand and we'll make a better decision that way.

Yeah. You think if this guy cuts his hair, everything will be hunky-dory the next day. No, he's gonna be pissed. You're going to be madder at your girlfriend if you cut your hair. No doubt. Definitely, him cutting his hair doesn't solve the problem. Especially when the cute girl on campus is like, oh, why'd you cut your hair? And he's like, who are you? You noticed

my what? You know? Honestly, dude, low-key, that's the best take, because I know that there are people out there that fucking love this dude's hair of course so he should find out he should find out yeah even if they're bad in every other way just go the girl that wants that hair change your hair and you know he's the lady based on the hair keep your hair but cut yourself free that's beautiful. Wow. Crochet that on a pillow. A girl cut. A girl cut. A girl cut.

A girl cut. Wow. I've decided to get a girl cut. Wow. Go to the mall and get a girl cut. Yikes. All right. We're actually halfway through the episode, so let's take a break, and then we'll come

back. I want to ask you about your short film. Oh, my God. Hashtag triple kiss. Thank you, Amir. On the other side of this break. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

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And we're back. Triple kiss. What's the elevator pitch? You have 30 seconds Okay And you lost me Okay Fast That was fast

Usually during an elevator pitch You allow somebody to I'll take the stairs Okay I'm here Peeks around And leaves the elevator No

What's the deal? What can you tell us About Triple Kiss? Last year I decided to make A very weird short film Actually not far After I came on your show

That's right We were all kind of bumming The three of us And the rest of the collective world outside of some people who voted for Donald Trump. And I was feeling really depressed. And I wanted to turn to television or media to watch something that would just like take my mind out of it. And I couldn't find something that was just so downright silly. Like it was not satire. That was not like trying to make a bigger point out of everything. Just weird for weird sake. And I sat down on my computer and said, I'm going to make it instead

of search for it. And I wrote a 10-page script starring my weirdest friends. That's correct. I'm looking at the thumbnail now. George Basil and Adam are in it. George Basil, Adam Lustick, Mamrie Hart, and a guy named Matt Hobby. That's correct. Great cast. They're all super weird in their own ways. And they all decided to read my script, buy in, and say that this is also something we'd like to do and act really silly for 10 minutes. And the whole thing cost me $500. And the reason I made it was because it reminded me.

All George's fee. All George's fee. I just had to buy George a grip of weed for the day. But, like, when we were growing up, the three of us, or in comedy at least, like, do you remember those, like, sweaty, dumb, cheap, why are we doing this shoots? I feel like I was born on those shoots where I'm looking around, I'm like, this is so weird. There's no reason to be doing this.

If all of us stop for a second, we'll just be like, this is insane. This is not worth it. Yeah. And I moved to Los Angeles and we get caught in these cycles of like, you gotta sell this, you gotta do this. And I just didn't make as much as I used to make.

I used to make videos and short films and all these kinds of things. And so I decided to take control back and I made this just a few months ago and i released it about a month ago on vimeo and it's like such a low pressure just like really funny silly ride and um yeah i'd encourage anyone to watch it it's on vimeo it's called triple kiss and it looks great yeah i have checked it out yeah so that's it i mean like i'm not gonna try and oversell it and be like this is gonna change your life i will say that if you want to go on like a weird portlandia kind of like 10 minute like weird little world yeah weird little world check out triple kiss on vimeo it's almost it's like pre-trump almost pre-911 weird wow so somebody i we talk about the distinction between

pre-911 comedies and post-911 comedies a lot adam lustick and i do on the show i'm gonna joke because pre-911 comedies like the goal was always so pithy you know what i mean it wasn't like a dark comedy or anything like that where it's like a someone going through a hard time it was just like big and dumb tommy boy yeah get our brother elected you know what i mean and like watch him fall for 90 minutes yeah and this movie is back to that where it's like there's no there's nothing sad. Billy Madison is just like, go to school. Yeah, exactly. Go back to school for a bit.

I mean, they're all just like big and silly. And this movie kind of is adopted that style. Harkens back. Silly. Just going to be silly for 10 minutes. Comedy like it's 1999. Exactly. It is.

And I mean, anybody that listens to this show has heard Adam and Billy at least. Right. Have you had Mamrie? Have you ever had Mamrie on the show? No, but we've had Basil on the show as well. Oh, there you go. So two. Two different.

Oh, yeah. I meant to say Basil, not Billy. Obviously, they've heard Billy. You've heard him now. We've both done on the show. You're currently hearing him. Correct. Cool.

But yeah, triple kiss on Vimeo. I'd appreciate it. And thanks for letting me promote it. No doubt. No doubt. Yeah. That actually brings us to our first, only, and last segment. Billy,

do you have any unsolicited advice? Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Sorry about that last part. That was not bad. Is that new?

Is that a new sting? It's a new sting. We try to use a new one every episode, but that one is the best one. That's a good sting. Lars. Good job, Lars.

Unsolicited advice. A segment in which us or our guests offers some bit of guidance that people didn't necessarily ask for. Yep. What do you got? Clean your ceiling fans, folks. Clean your ceiling fans. Wow. Have you guys cleaned your ceiling fans? I don't even have a. Wow. Have you guys cleaned your ceiling fans?

I don't even have a ceiling fan. Okay. I have two ceiling fans and I've never cleaned them. You wouldn't believe how disgusting ceiling fans get. They are caked with dust. And what does a ceiling fan do? It spins around your room all day, which means that it is just snowing. I'm looking at one right now. It is snowing micro particles of dust all day, every day, all over your home.

And a way to not have to vacuum so much and dust your home so much is to dust your ceiling fans, folks. Wow. Kill it at the source. Kill it at the source. Kill the snake by chopping off its head, Jake. I'm surprised the dust even stays to the top of the ceiling. Because it really does just float. Like, how does it not just all fly off?

When you turn your ceiling fan off, just glance at it for a second. You are going to be horrified. You're going to be horrified by what you see. And so you'll see the dust around the edge of the ceiling fan. But if you get up, if you get on the top of the blade and look what's sitting on top of the blade, it's a nightmare, folks. It is dust bunnies galore. They're laughing at you. They're laughing at you, Jake. Those bunnies arenies galore. They're laughing at you. They're laughing at

you, Jake. Those bunnies are laughing at you. That's good. How do you do it? What do you use, the Swiffer? Paper towel. It comes right off. I mean, you just got to give it a graze, but like Jake said, kill it at the source. That is good. That is a perfect example of unsolicited advice. You got it. Follow-up question. What do you guys think dust is? Huh? That'd be a good example of dust is like to look into it's skin particles yes it is i heard that too i also heard it was like meteors right i was right right right i guess it's probably not skin particles right no because it's fluffy it's almost like it's because what a counter argument your skin's not fluffy and it's fluffy so he says

this to me and i'm covered in fluffy fluffy skin it's almost like shirt dust right but i can't use dust to describe dust i i think that it is i there's a chance that they just tell us that it's skin particles so we'll clean it right Right. I'll tell you this. I went away for 10 days. I came back and it was dust. Okay. But your body wasn't there. Nothing was in my house.

Unless rowdy teens threw a party and got skin all over your house. What is dust? How did it get in? All the windows were closed. Dust. It arrived from somewhere. I'll say this. I just bought a bag of rice and there was a fly inside a sealed bag of rice.

How did it get there? The fly had to have closed the bag after. Oh, that's right. Like a camper in a tent. I like that. Goes in just with his little fly hand.

Closes the little zip lock close. Because he's already making the Z noise because he's a fly. Somewhere else in that bag is a tiny little suicide note. If you guys buy a bag of rice at Trader Joe's, there's a in it do you go back to trader joe's and return it you get rid of the fly and eat the rice how do you guys follow that throw it away write a note to trader joe's excuse me i think write a note i would write an email to

customer service and say there was a fly here's a picture okay um i threw away the rice i think you should give me free rice. So you would want then somebody in like a far off Trader Joe's to receive that and mail you a bag of rice as opposed to going to your local Trader Joe's and just doing the quick handoff? At a certain point, I don't think I got to go back to Trader Joe's. Parking lot is a nightmare. I feel like it's not worth my time.

Good call. Yeah. I'm definitely not going back and saying, can I exchange this bag? That's too much effort for rice. You would rather just throw out the rice and say, we're exchange this bag? That's too much effort for rice. You would rather just throw out the rice and say, we're not having rice tonight, honey. Throw out the rice. Or would you throw out the fly and just keep it moving? Yeah, I'm sure you can eat the rice in its mouth.

Yeah, you boil it anyway. What's the worst thing that can happen? All right, so you guys are eating the rice. I eat the fly. You eat the fly? Throw out the rice. Option D, throw out the rice. Don't throw out the rice with the flies.

That's the quote, right? That's funny. I right? That's funny. I wanted to quickly mention that we're looking for interns. We have to do this. You guys always hire the best interns. That's right. Jeffrey was an intern. Yeah, I've met a lot of interns. They're awesome.

That's right, and so is Marissa. We're looking to hire three interns, an office intern, an AV intern, and an audio intern. If you're interested at all, the deadline to apply is April 8th, and you can find out more at headgum.com slash about. Headgum.com. That's for our summer internship program. Oh, man. And we really need help. That office intern, I'm putting you to work on that email, baby.

Yeah, it's going to be a nasty, nasty summer for whoever wants to join us. There is no AC. You are sitting next to the heater. Fair. Also, we added stuff to the HeadGum merch store. That's right. If I were you, live tote bags, HG snapback hats, that new HeadGum hat we made, and the new HeadGum pocket tee. So if you're already at HeadGum, you can go to store.headgum.com to check out the new

merch stuff. Just go through the website, really. Yeah. Go through the website. Just click on every frickin' link until you're an intern and you have a hat. Bye-bye-bye. And then when you're done with that,

clean your ceiling fan, people. For once. Did somebody give you that piece of unsolicited advice? No, I found out the hard way when I was cleaning my bathroom because I was having guests over, and then I saw my ceiling fan, and then I said,

wait, we have four ceiling fans in our apartment, and each one just had dust galore. Do you have a ceiling fan in your bathroom? This was at my, yeah, we have a ceiling fan in our bathroom, actually, yeah. Baller. Yeah, it's pretty nice, right? Yeah. Another thing, I'm not going to be an unsolicited advice guy.

This is not why I came on the show. You got another one. It's not really advice. I'm just saying, in the spirit of, hey, your ceiling fans are disgusting. Yeah. You know what's even more disgusting? The top of your refrigerators, folks. Ooh.

Oh. You're never, you're not taller than your refrigerator, so you're never seeing the top of your refrigerator. And that's for a reason. It is a nightmare up there. I remember when I moved into my new house, I got what they call like a deep clean. Sure. Because it had been lived in by a family for like seven years.

Right. And they like pulled the refrigerator out of its little enclave and cleaned it. And it is. Death. Death everywhere. I also cleaned my washing machine filter. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hair.

That was. There's things in there. It was hair and just gray sludge that it smelled like yucks yep it was so foul it's funny because i love so fucking foul i had to stick my whole entire wrist into it but that sounds horrible like i guess i'll show you some pictures there it was it it was like oddly satisfying yeah just to like clean a drain when you got the hair chunk out it's like that's satisfying but i wish it wasn't me you ever clean your ear what do you mean flush hair chunk out. It's like, that's satisfying, but I wish it wasn't me. You ever clean your ear? What do you mean?

You don't clean your ear? Flush your ear out? Oh, no. The wax that comes out? No, is it big time? You deserve a lavage, Billy. I can use a lavage. It's your birthday. You deserve a lavage.

Okay. Imagine the drain feeling, but next to your brain. I like that. That's the brain drain. A brain drain. I like that a lot. All right, let's try to answer another question

because I feel like we're getting way too derailed. Way too blue. Very derailed. What is dust? What is dust? Here's a good question. Ashes to ashes. You guys, or do you have another guy's name for this?

Yes, I do. Tony. Wow. Yes, I do. I thought you'd never ask. Tony. Tony Rice. I've been with my girlfriend for two years now.

I lost my virginity to her, so I never got a chance to experience any other sexual partners. This has led me to be curious about what else is out there, but I've never cheated on my girlfriend, and I don't want to do that to her. I also love her, and our relationship is great, so I don't want to leave her. Still, when I see other attractive women,

I can't help but wonder what it would be like. I've talked to my girlfriend about this, and she's always trying to help me work on this problem. Recently, this issue got brought up again, so she started to think about what to do. When talking about solutions, she dropped a major bomb on me. She's giving me a one-time free hall pass. That's right. To sleep with someone else one time. Her idea is that maybe if I get it out of my system, I won't struggle with wanting other women as much. Sure. She feels like it could be beneficial to our relationship if I just experienced someone and got it over with. Her only rules are that it can't be someone that either of us knows, and she doesn't want me to tell her about it.

I mean, what the fuck? Am I supposed to, what am I supposed to do about this? Should I use the hall pass? Is it still kind of cheating even if she gave me full permission? By the way, she gave herself 10 hall passes. Yeah, exactly. The subtext is I've been hall passing for years. Would it make me a bad person to capitalize on this?

Would it actually help our relationship if I did get it out of my system? Or would it just lead to more trouble if I followed through with it? It seems like the kind of opportunity every guy would dream of, but I feel shitty because of how I got it. And so now I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't want to do anything that would destroy my relationship. But maybe my girlfriend is right. And maybe it would actually strengthen us in the long run. So what do you guys think I should do? sincerely tony tony all right another good one two good ones okay very interesting yeah yeah because i think it it rocked me back and forth

it's like at first like don't use the hall pass it's a trick and then she's like i don't want to hear about it so you can use it it's almost like a guilt-free cheating option and then she's like, I don't want to hear about it so you can use it. It's almost like a guilt free cheating option. And then he's like, is it even cheating? I'm like, I guess it's not cheating if she says you can do it. Certainly not cheating if you are granted. You know what I mean? It's like if the teacher was like, you can look at all of the answers and then you do, then you're not cheating. She's saying you can sleep

around. I just like the idea of him sitting down at a bar and being like hi, I'm Tony and I have a hall pass. I know. You're going to use your hall pass on me? Yeah, that would be sad if he just couldn't do it. He's like, you know what, babe? You're good enough for me. I don't want to use your shitty hall pass.

Also, I tried. Over and over and over and over again. Yeah, because what lady wants to be a hall pass? Turns out no halls were open to me. I think the one question I'm fit to answer is, will this stop my urge if I get it out once? Definitely not. I think it will be pouring gasoline all over a tiny little flame right now. If you take the metaphor almost at its face, you are, say, in class and you get a hall pass and you get to wander free through the halls and then you come back and you're like i've satisfied my curiosity right i'll sit in class for

the rest of my life right no i just got to experience recess i want to go back out into the halls asap yeah you're saying it'd be better like would you rather have no donuts for your entire life or one donut and you're saying better to have no donuts. I just think that the urge is going to multiply when he does go through it. You know, right now his, his urge is curiosity. And I think that we can all agree that sex is good and fun, especially when you're really young and just like new to it. And he's going to, it's going to open up Pandora's box, I would say into like, I want to try it again and get better at it with someone else now. Yeah.

Definitely. I think you extend the hall pass to spring break or summer break. Right. You don't need a hall pass. You need a break. Yeah, exactly. I think if you're going to do hall pass, be an open relationship. Just like, it's like the hall pass is definitely not an answer.

You know what I mean? And then it's like, thanks for the hall pass. What I want is more hall passes. Right. Like, what do you want out of... I don't know. I just don't think he... He doesn't get the hall pass, and it doesn't cure everything. Right. I think if he's got this urge to sleep with other people, you kind of have to just

go and sleep with other people. Break up. Not even like a dramatic breakup, but say, let's give ourselves one month not dating, and see at the end of that month whether or not we actively long for one another. Especially because the first time having sex with someone probably won't be good. Right. What you need to do is have another girlfriend or something.

Yeah. Oh, you could have great sex with somebody one time. But if you've never had sex with anybody before in your life, what are the odds that the second time you've had sex with somebody new, it's great? Probably not very high. Right. It can happen can happen though believe in yourself so what's the final suggestion would you do it?

I would not do it, I would break up with her before I used a hall pass what about you, would you do it? yeah I'd break up, this is the beginning of the end but can he use his hall pass first and then break up? that seems almost meaner. Almost, right?

I think as soon as you are in your relationship, actively looking to fuck one person because your girlfriend said that you could, this only spells disaster for you. And I also don't buy, maybe this is wrong, but I don't buy that she necessarily is going to be like, use your hall pass, great. Everything's normal with me. Let's just keep it moving. You think he has to tell her that he used it? She doesn't want to know, but it's all so fraught. She doesn't want to know. It's all so fraught, Jake. This is not how sex with somebody else would feel even

if you did get to do it. It's all wrong. It's all wrong. You have experienced guilt-free sex, and the only way to do that is to break up with somebody. Right. Do you know someone who, like, married their first lover? Yes. And is it, like, a thing? Do you think it's a thing that eats away?

Or it's like, I found it. I don't need anything. I don't know. I found that most of my friends, and this is going to be a generalization that might get me into trouble, but I found that most of my friends... Go ahead and name some names, though. All right. So there was, like, Kevin and... No.

But I have friends who, like like high school sweethearts. That was it. And I found that a lot of them just weren't risk takers at all. Like they moved back to our hometown or the, you know, it's like, it was just like, they didn't,

they felt safe in their little square. Right. They'd rather feel safe than the excitement of like rolling the dice. And that like extends to career to a certain extent, to what my dad did. But that also extends to career to a certain extent, to what my dad did. But that also extends to like just being social and like being vulnerable around a variety of women. Yeah.

Or opposite sex where it's just like, I'm going to fail dating you. I'm going to fail dating you. I'm going to humiliate myself in front of you. Like I know a lot of people who are just like, hey, I like met you in 10th grade and like we're both pretty scared. So let's just like stick stick together and ride it out. Another example of that is when you go to the restaurant that you like and then it's like, I always order the same thing

because I know I'm going to like it. Or are you like, I'm going to try something else and sacrifice the thing I know I love. Those people order the same thing at the restaurant, the people that I just named. But so do I sometimes. I'm like, I know what I like. This is great.

I haven't had it in three weeks. If you tried another restaurant, you wouldn't'm like, I know what I like. This is great. I haven't had it in three weeks. Well, the difference is that like if you tried another restaurant, you wouldn't get banned from the restaurant that you like. If I go to Panda Express and dabble with beef

and broccoli and I didn't like it, can I come back the next day and get a filet-o-fish? Filet-o-fish is a perfect, none of us had ever had filet-o-fish.

Never will again. Because filet-o-fish was our hall pass. We used it. Let it be known, we didn't finish between the three of us one filet-o-Fish. Never will again. Filet-O-Fish was our hall pass. Let it be known, we didn't finish, between the three of us, one Filet-O-Fish. There was one sandwich and three men, and there was bites left on the table. Yeah. Did anybody have more than one bite?

I don't know. I don't think I did. That was a sad McDonald's. We ended up going back to the counter for more McNuggets, just to try and stack those in our stomachs on top. You got a hash brown. I needed it. like the only dude that gets the orders off of the breakfast and lunch menu I felt like I had to take advantage of do they still do that the breakfast anytime yeah this is true that was last time I was went to McDonald's wow that that podcast episode well you just McDonald's on Saturday night did you yeah late night Saturday I saw you Saturday day. Wow, big day. Yeah, yeah.

That's how far I fell from the afternoon to 2 a.m. We were on a good shoot that it was McDonald's at night. How was McDonald's on Saturday night? It was, I mean, really good. Drive-thru? How was it on Sunday morning? Very bad. Right. Yeah, I was in a lift in the drive-thru. I was kind of,

I was, I was turned on. You were in a lift and you said, hey, can you, am I going to the drive-thru? Yeah. I do that a lot. Really? Yeah. They don't mind. And you say, do you offer to get them something?

Yeah, I offer to get them something. Do they ever do it? Do they ever say, I'll fucking take a Big Mac, whatever? No, nobody's ever, ever taken me out. Really? But I do, I always give a big tip and I let them know that I'm going to tip them, and I appreciate it. And I apologize for the way it makes the car smell. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Because they get $200 if you throw up in their car. Really? They get to call in a number, and immediately their shift is done. They get $200. This seems like a classic thing kids say. A Lyft driver told me this as well. Same thing. Wait, what?

Who gives a... It's a lottery that you is, a Lyft driver told me this as well. Same thing. Wait, what? Who gives a, it's like a, it's a lottery that you win, a reverse lottery. Well, then I asked my driver, naturally, I was like, have you ever considered pouring fake vomit on your backseat to get out of a day of work? And he said, I've considered it, but ultimately I would still have to clean my car

and take pictures and it's not worth it. Oh, that's, you call a number, you have to take photos. You have to identify the person in the car who threw up the account. I think if they charge you $200, I don't think that Lyft just gives you $200, right? I think they charge the fee. The way he explained it was they get a cleaning fee. Right, and I don't know if it comes from Lyft itself or if it comes from the person who threw up.

Oh, yeah. I asked one Lyft driver, I was like, would you like that? He was like, oh, yeah. I just take the day off and I get my car cleaned and i get 200 bucks right and then i asked somebody else like no this is my fucking car exactly i think that was my driver yeah that was the same like no but they got the guy who said yes you need to be like all right take me through mcdonald's right through get me two filet-o-fish i'm about to make your day bud let's split the fucking money man no did No. Did you hear about this story?

And I'll keep it short. But about the guy who was like in West Virginia, got a lift, got in the car, said, take me home, passed out immediately. The driver didn't have his address in the thing, grabbed his phone, typed in home, and the address came up in like Western Pennsylvania. And away they went. And the dude was passed out, blacked out, drunk in the front seat and the driver's,

drive out of Pennsylvania now. He just said, oh, I figured it out. It's probably 700 miles away. 800 miles or so is what it turned out to be. No follow-up questions. No follow-up questions.

Do you want to go home? We're going home, kid. Rolls up to Pennsylvania or whatever adjacent city and state it was. No need to verify at all. He's at home. It's 12 hours later. Guy wakes up.

What am I doing home? This home? And the guy's like, you said home. And he's like, not this home. We were like eight miles from the place I currently reside. Well, long story short, it goes to court. The bill's like $1,100, $1,200. I ask you guys i know the

answer who do you think do you think that they reduced his rate prorated it down to what it should have been or do you think they made him pay twelve hundred dollars i don't think i bet lyft or uber whoever was like we'll just take care of it okay jake i know the answer oh you do really you've heard this story me and billy talked about it. And the answer is, he had to pay $1,200. Lyft was like, no. No. What? He didn't even put the address in.

I know, Amir. I was dying. The guy, he was kidnapped. They gave him like three payment options where he has to pay like four quarterly $300 bills for a $7 Lyft. I think the driver's at fault, personally. Yes, absolutely. Come on, dude. He had to stop for gas $7 lift. I think the driver's at fault, personally. Yes, absolutely. Come on, dude. He had to stop for gas.

Multiple times. I think Uber should just, as a PR thing, be like, hey, this was crazy. Agreed. Share the story everywhere. Agreed. And we're going to cover it. Agreed. We had charging a kid to do that.

They did. Cold, flooded. And he had to fucking get an Uber back. That's the hardest part. His mom wasn't home to drive him back to West Virginia. Eight hours of passed out driving. Holy shit. Bowled by the driver.

I'm going to look at home. Okay, yeah. I mean, it's- So fucking smart. Just like- I know. Driving down Highway 40. Like, all right, I'm going to get this dude home.

He's going to be so lucky. You got me. The perfect driver for the job. The detective who's pretty smart, but ultimately didn't ask any follow-up questions. Fell asleep at the wheel tune. 700 miles home. Not exactly. All right.

Good ending. Good way to end. Solid app. Two questions, but we dug deep. We did. We talked dust. Yeah, we did talk dust. One more time, that is Triple Kiss.

Yes, my man. Triple Kiss on Vimeo. And I would be remiss not to mention the fact that Jake and I are doing a live show in New York. It might be on Friday if you listen to this episode. Oh, it's this coming? Oh, yeah. Because this episode's coming out April 1st or 2nd. I thought our live show was on Saturday.

April frickin' Fools? No, it's going to be on... Is April Fools on Friday? No. April Fools or 2nd. I thought our live show was on Saturday. April freaking Fools? No, it's going to be on... Is April Fools on Friday? No. April Fools is the first. That's all I know. That's Sunday. Okay.

So this episode will come out April 2nd, and then we're in New York on Friday, April 6th. Nice. And then we're going to be in Nashville, Tennessee on April 22nd. We'll put that information on our website, ifirewshow.com. Very cool. Good app. Solid information on our website, ifirewshow.com. Very cool. Good app. Solid app. Good job, guys.

The opening theme song was written by Matt the Fantastic, remember? And then this closing theme song is written by Debra Daly. So thanks for Matt. Thanks to Debra Daly. Thanks to you guys for listening and writing in. The email address for questions and theme songs is if I were you show at gmail.com uh we'll be back next week later later see ya if I were you if I were you I know exactly what to do so trust me I trusted you listen to my dope advice Caesar cheese

Bounce so gracefully Are you ready for someone to stay? Caesar cheese Caesar cheese Caesar cheese Caesar cheese, Caesar cheese. Caesar cheese, Caesar cheese. Caesar cheese, Caesar cheese.

Caesar cheese, Caesar cheese That was a Hate Gum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.