Segments - 323: Pee Sex (Live in NYC w/Scott Rogowsky!)

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Friend and host of HQ Trivia, Scott Rogowsky joins us to discuss ugly cats, beautiful farts, and natural lubrication.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I Were You with Jake and Amir! Yeah! Okay! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, he threw his back. He's 34. Oh, okay. So that's gonna... 35. 35, no shit. Yeah. Wow. That was my birthday yesterday. Now, that is bulb back. He's 34. Oh, okay. So that's going to... 35. 35, no shit.

Yeah. Wow. That was my birthday yesterday. Now, that is bulbous, actually. Yeah, it's a disc. You slipped more than one disc, brother. It's a disc. Wow.

It is a disc. That is a herniated disc. Woo! Hey, we're in Manhattan. Hell yeah! I don't know the last time we had a show in Manhattan. Did we ever have a show in Manhattan? Ever, yes.

We had a lot. That's awesome. We used to do like a monthly show in Manhattan? Ever? Yes. A lot. We used to do a monthly show in Chelsea. That's awesome. Where's Chelsea? You've lived in LA for four years. You've forgotten everything? Oh, yeah, I know. I remember Chelsea. You without glasses

is the worst thing. It's rare to see someone that looks uglier without them. You guys are a good crowd. Wow, look at this. Penguin suits. Oh, my God. That's some old school shit. Scarves.

See, these references are so old, I don't even know what you're talking about. So for those of you who've been here before and those of you who haven't, what this is is an advice podcast. Can you believe it? All these people here for an advice podcast. Does it make sense?

People in the Penguin office are like, what? I thought it was watching the old videos. With commentary. Should we just do that? That would be a lot easier on us. Awesome. Actually, I'm a lockbox. I know the script to every single Jake and Amir by heart.

Name your favorite one and I'll just repeat it. What was it? Tinder. That one was recent and I don't know it. Oh, her name is Load. Is that what I say? How's it? Yeah.

This is fun. I feel like I'm an aging rock star playing our greatest hits. Who else wants to hear fucking Free Bird? Do Mickey, my friend. What? Mickey.

Mickey, my friend. All right, now let's do a new song. Ten minutes about blowing homeless people. Anyway, people from all over the world email us. They're curious. They're wondering our wisdom, our advice to try to get them out of sticky situations. We often record this alone in our studio,

so it's so exciting that we get to record in front of 390,000 of our closest friends. That's right. For those of you guys listening at home, it was insane. We did an arena. We sold out MetLife Stadium. They were all chanting,

oh, she shouts was a dream. Lighters swaying in the air. All right, let's take a seat and answer some questions, shall we? This is a great rug. A really nice rug. This has to be from Overstock, does it not? Is this the over-dyed new loom, 5x8?

Is Wayfair? Cool. Skullet, they say. You don't know how much whiskey is in here, man. It's not a lot. It's got to last me all show. All right. This man writes,

Hey, guys. Long time listener. First time not giving a shitter. That's a nice old reference, too. I've got a sticky situations on my hand. Literally. I'm on a business trip. And I've got a sticky situations on my hand Literally I'm on a business trip And tonight at a client dinner

One of the female clients Also out of her hometown on business Started giving me meaningful looks Across the dinner table Huh? That's romantic Cool I'm excited Let's get cozy We should have face masks Very good. That's romantic. Cool.

I'm excited. Let's get cozy. Yeah. We should have face masks. Sleepover. The more she and I drank, the more openly flirtatious she became, and I reciprocated. Huh? After dinner, the whole group went to a bar, and she ended up sitting next to me. Honestly, she's not that attractive.

And married. But when she dropped a hand on my thigh, I got a raging boner. After several minutes, she placed her hand firmly over my dick. And after a few seconds, I totally jizzed. That's right. You're right to clap. A standing ovation. I was so embarrassed, but I didn't think she noticed. When I went to leave, she gave me a wink and pointed at my crotch,

which I was horrified to see a huge wet spot. So my question is this. Did I cheat on my wife? Hey! Wow, that's good writing. It's only been a few hours, but I'm losing my mind. Please let me know if you answer this one. Thanks.

And then his fake name. He chose Dr. Alph his fake name. He chose. Dr. Alphonse Robusto. Let's give it up for Dr. Alphonse. The question is, did I cheat on my wife when someone gave me a handjob? But it was an OTP H.J. And just a very lazy one at that. Yeah. Honestly, if he didn't jizz,

would you even say that's cheating? And also if it's just the jizzing, what if he's like on a crowded subway and accidentally jizzes? Is that also cheating on you, babe? That's predatory. I'm just saying is all. Do the ends justify

the creams? I see that written on your hand. Oh no, that is a tattoo, brother. I thought it would go over well. Did he cheat on his wife? No. But you did something else bad.

Well, yeah. I don't know. Next question? And that's the joy of answering questions. You don't have to give a shit. This guy's in a moral predicament, and we're just like, whatevskies, on to the next. And I'll do that with any sort of, like, sticky situation.

So if my father comes to me in a bind, I'm like, deuces. I don't have to care. Does that make sense to you? Does your dad often come to you when he's in trouble? And I am the last resort. What do you think? I think he cheated because he got basically a handjob from a stranger But it was basically a handjob, it wasn't a full handjob

That's right, she just placed her hand and he like a prepubescent teen, couldn't contain himself Here's, I think what happened in her mind was like very, very cheating, you know, like so to this lady, you conveyed that you wanted her, and then she put her hand on you

and then you jizzed instantly so while you didn't do anything like terribly wrong you just sort of embarrassed yourself he that lady is sitting there at the bar as he's upstairs furiously writing us this email having not changed his pants at all coming up with Dr. Alphonse Robusto. And she's down there being like, I'm going to fuck that guy. So like he's entered into a dangerous situation. Yeah. I would say he's already in the dangerous situation. He's already came in his pants.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Well that's more embarrassing. Can you train yourself to do that without touching yourself? Is that like a tantric thing? Do you think that's like a power? Like a good thing you want to be able to... So you're in a business meeting. Your hands are

where everybody can see them. But in your mind's eye... And in your penis's eye. Yeah. In your cock's eye. Things are just getting off. And you think that would be a wise thing to do at business?

What's the alternative? Masturbating in front of everyone? Who has the time? It would be kind of nice if you could just put your hand on your penis and it would come instantly. That's what I'm saying, dude. It's like Spider-Man, but a little more effort. We know you really envy the guy. Oh, it's happening.

Dr. Alphonse Robusto also does sound like a superhero. Or like a Spider-Man villain. Please, call me Alphonse. Spider-Man is like, and Alphonse is like. It stayed in the pants, but it's just as sticky, Spider-Man. You win this round. As you win all of the rounds. But can you get, isn't it funny that, like,

the first hand touching a thigh is so much sexier than, like, actual sex because it's such like a subtle, small, public, secret, shameful thing. Oh yeah, so I guess you did cheat on your wife. Because you describing it right now was actually pretty hot. Yeah, I see it happening. Don't touch it. It's primed to go off.

Can I just shake your hand though oh the game boy uh all righty you cheated on your wife alphonse i don't know what else to say uh does anyone have a girl's name i heard a krandis who and yeah that is uh yeah krandis, who... And yeah, that is... Yeah, Crandis, that works. That'll play. Yeah. Crandis, with a silent Q in the middle, writes... No way.

I'm a 22-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship since graduating college. Yeah, tell me about it. Overall, everything has been A-okay. But of course, there's a slight problem. And boy, oh boy, does me about it. Overall, everything has been A-OK. But of course, there's a slight problem. And boy, oh boy, does this problem stink. Oh? Yay, yay, yay. Last weekend, I was visiting my man, Candy,

and accidentally ripped ass while we were snuggling in his bed. Mind you, this is the first time I've ever farted in front of him. Well, he got super weird about it and called me gross. Yeah, the worst thing to call someone. No joke, he brought up the fart

four times over the rest of the weekend. Remember when you farted? Yes, I remember. That was an hour ago. The plot thickens. That just means she shat her pants or something. The fart thickens. Over dinner, he told his dad about my stink.

And what did the dad say? That in 26 years of marriage, he had not even once heard his wife fart. My boyfriend doesn't have any sisters, so I'm concerned that he has a weird prejudice against femme farts. How do I have a serious conversation about farts without laughing?

Am I doomed to hold in my farts for eternity? Is he a sexist? Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Okay. You're a quick farter. Yeah, I'm a quick farter. I like to open the floodgates.

Date? Let's say one and a half. Yeah. I've seen you said an audio message it's like once you went on to left tinder on to text yeah just like ripped ass into your phone hey it's a mirror and when a girl farts in front of you or do you think that's fine it's disgusting good man Good man. Oh, I'm coming again. No, I'm open with farting, as some of you may know. I'll fart on an airplane, an air train, any type of air transportation.

I don't think it's rude. I think it's natural. Excuse me if my bowels are a little bit rumbly, but it's frankly selfish of you to ask me to leave it in implicitly, even implicitly. So I'll take a fart on an airplane, and if anyone even gives me the side eye, I'll say, oh, I'm sorry. I had a hurt tummy. Yeah. So you want me to just squeeze it until I go to the

laboratory or whatever the fuck they're called on an airplane? You're often in the middle seat, ripping ass. Ordering chili. I'll choose the middle so as to justify the farts better. It's a lavatory, just an airplane bathroom? No, it's not. So any bathroom is a lavatory, but only airplanes decide to call them that? I think many places decide

to call them that. No. What are you talking about? You'll go to a restaurant and I'll say lavatory? Sometimes. No, I don't think that's true. Guys, back me up or not. That was tepid at best. And I think it was just people feeling bad for you. Does anyone know the true answer?

And don't just yell to be heard. I want an actual English doctor to tell me the difference. If And don't just yell to be heard. I want an actual English doctor to tell me the difference. If you don't have a British accent, you can shut the fuck up. Your mom's an English teacher. Oh yeah, that's true. If only she were here at the show.

Mother? Mother? Mother? I'm here, Jamie. God. Fuck you, weirdo, for trying to do my mother's voice. I very, very deliberately taped off her seat earlier. So I know she's over there,

and also that that's not what she sounds like. Mother? There's three different people saying yes. But one of them's definitely my mom. Go ahead, pose your question. Dear Mrs. Hurwitz, is a lavatory only an air... Oh, she's cut out...

That's okay. Yeah, do you know the answer to that question? I think it's a little bit an outdated term an outdated term for a bathroom usually right I think laboratory is pretty much a good term any bathroom she's trying to be diplomatic but you are

a fucking moron that was your dad but what I think generally That was your dad. But what? I think generally lavatory is not a term that is in there. Sorry.

I love you. Mom. Oh. I love you so much, mommy. You can do no wrong. She said, just for those of you

listening at home that couldn't quite hear, she said a lavatory is an antiquated term for any bathroom, but it's only primarily used on airplanes. So in a way, we're both right. That's what she's trying to get across.

You're trying to save face. Anyway, this guy cheated on his wife. What's the next question? That's the last question. Oh, yeah. This is the woman who farted in front of her. So she cheated on her wife. No, no, no. It's not always cheating on the wife. Third question. Are you okay with female farting?

Is it a big deal? Of course not. Of course I'm okay with it, and of course not it's not a big deal. So she should what here? I think she has to just keep on ripping ass until it becomes like not a thing anymore. Keep farting, keep smiling, knowing you can always fart on me. Fart sure. That's good.

That's what farts are for. Keep smiling. Keep farting. Keep sharting. Anyway, I got into college. All right, here we go Next question, we need a guy's name What was it?

Huh? Chide Bundale? That's also your mom Chide Bundale I like that You keep on turning to your friend and going Yes What is Chide Bundale?

He doesn't have the answer. What is Chide Bundale? I made it up on the spot, sir. I made it up on the spot, if it please, my lord. Good. And namaste. And if it doesn't, please, it's him. But it does. All right.

Chide writes, So to start, I'm a 20-year-old college dude going to school in Alberta. And lately, me and this girl have been hanging out lots, and we're both pretty into each other. She's the perfect woman, and I enjoy myself every time I'm around her. However,

she has a fucking bunny rabbit. And I'm really allergic. I cannot stay over to her place due to my allergies. So why won't she come over to my place? Good question. Didn't ask it. Well, I rescued a hairless sphinx cat. And he's a fucking pimp.

She's terrified of him and refuses to come and see him. And will not stay over. I've tried many times just to meet them, but she refuses every time. It's getting really tough to hang out with her because often it includes going out for a bite and my bank account is dying a slow and painful death. Should I dump her completely?

Is there any way around this? I will not get rid of my cat. That's his non-starter because he's a fucking beauty. Thanks, dudes. Love, Chide. Chide Bundo. Chide, dudes. Love, Chide. Chide Abundo. I love you, Chide. He sent a picture of a cat.

Yeah, there's a picture of a cat. Let's see the picture of the cat if we have it. Oh, oh, oh. Grandpa. I'm a pimp, aren't I, Chide? Chide, take me to the bars. We'll get you so much pithy, Chide. Stroke my skin, Chide.

You're not allergic to me. Oh, Chide, if we come home empty-handed, you can fuck me, Chide, if we come home empty-handed, you can fuck me, Chide. Why is it a snake a little bit? I've never met a snake, so I just imagine that's how they talk. This one is, we'll try to put a picture online for those of you listening at home, but he was hairless, an evil-looking old cat with a bow tie for some reason. Did he have a bow tie? I love animals now that I have a dog and I have compassion for all pets,

but I'd be okay if every hairless cat was murdered. Hell, you'd do the murdery. I'll twist their heads off like it's a fucking bottle of beer. No, I would drown that cat. I would hold that cat underwater. The worst part would be touching its beer. Yeah. No, I would drown that cat. I would hold that cat underwater. And the worst part

would be touching its skin. Right. And it would be wriggling, wriggling, and then just before it died it would turn up and be like, I am Lucifer!

Oh! And that guy is like, my girlfriend has a bunny. Yeah. Your girlfriend has a great pet. You have a fucking monster. So should he dump her?

Yes Spare her this horrific cat that you have Yeah I think if you have a cat like that You have to find someone that likes the cat Which is like that's how you start You have to join a dating app For people that like that kind of That cat photo should be your Tinder bio.

Imagine stroking that wet sort of slimy cat back. Come instantly? Oh! You know she has like a hard spine on that little scrotum skinned body of hers.

Yeah, definitely. That's actually really hot. So you do like the cat. Yeah. All right. We're just about halfway done. So why don't we take a break? You can keep recording,

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It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people we thought it'd be fun if we had a guest on the show that we've never had on our show before can you believe that a live show guest that's never been on the show? What a risk.

But who could it possibly be? Who here has played HQ before? Because our next guest has also played once. And is also the host of it. Whoa! What the hell? Please put your hands together for Scott Rogowski. Scott Rogowski. I come prepared.

I come prepared. Thank you. Do I get the middle seat? Oh my goodness. Quick question. Give me one. When did you ditch Jake for the brawny man? Oh! That's sort of a compliment.

Yeah, it is. He's a handsome motherfucker, that brawny man. Good man. Scott, thanks so much for joining us. It's so nice to be here with College Humor's Jake and Amir in their late 40s. We're sort of trying to distance ourselves from that chapter of our lives. No, it really is so cool to be here in the lower east, east, east, east, east side. Yeah, we walked here seemingly by accident.

Were you given two options? It was here or a barge in the East River? Were those the options for the show tonight? Barge would have been cool, actually. Barge it. We should barge it next time. I say let's barge it. All right, Scott. Yeah.

You know the name of the game. We're helping people out as much as possible. I love helping people. The only deal is that we need fake names to preserve their anonymity. You get that. You've been there before. So this is from a man. I don't want to call him his real name.

Do you have a fake name for this man? Shlomo. Let's go back to Shlomo. So fast. Your fake name sounds like my middle name. But Shlomo writes, I am the only guy, it's fun to be the not the most Jewish person on the podcast.

Right? Yeah. For once. This is really why you brought me here. That's exciting. What a world. Alright. Shlomo writes, I am the only guy in the world with a curved erection. That's not true. When my member is soft, it's completely normal. When my... When my member is soft,

it's completely normal. But when hard, my dick curves slightly to the left. Wait, slightly? And you wrote our podcast? I really only want to hear about it if it's severe. Mine's a fucking right angle.

Mild to moderate. But I do respect the guy who used the word member. Yeah. Also very Jewish. I never thought it was a problem, but sometimes the angle of my dick compromises my sex life.

After sex with my GF, the left side of my penis is chafed, and the skin dries, and sometimes falls off. It's gotten so bad in the past that it has prevented me from intercourse entirely. Do either of you gentlemen suffer from a curved cock? Or a CC, as I call it.

SOS, warm regards, Shlomo. P.S., see you at the New York show on April 6th. Oh! Come on, now! The plot hardens and curves to the left. Is Shlomo here? No, he's...

Is that the guy that tended to be... Wait, are you really here, Shlomo? Oh, no. You just said, yeah. The guy that tended to be my... Wait, are you really here, Shlomo? You just said, yeah. I don't know. You're going to have to whip out your dick and prove it. I also wouldn't say yeah.

Is Shlomo willing to chime up? I'm Shlomo. Oh, my God. I'm Shlomo. I'm Shlmo. Oh, my God. I'm slow-mo. I'm slow-mo. And see. So, curvature. Normal?

Abnormal? What's the yaw of your daw? That's your new podcast. Let's name that y'all. I come out with a little protractor. So there's like a slight curvature, which is like sort of like the earth. Then there's like the full, like it's an obtuse almost, kind of like, I don't know, the right part

and the diagonal part of a stop sign. There's the full left hook, the turn, of course. There's the crowbar, the full U-ing, the U-turn. And finally, not. The loop-de-loop. Yeah. If it was a loop, it would... Would you go for... First of all,

which one of those is the most ideal? I'm thinking loop, just for novelty. I feel you could probably make bank off of the loop. If you could do the loop, I would say go for the loop. Obviously, you don't have a choice in the matter. This guy's sort of stuck with a slightly left-turned dick that he has. Does this ring true for either of you?

I am straight and to the point. Short and sweet. Short and sweet. A double-A battery can't turn. You know what I mean? I like to describe my penis as concise. Yeah. You look at a Jenga tower that's only two blocks tall,

it's not going to be curving in any direction. A type 15 millimeters. Yeah. I'm 11 degrees Celsius. Anyway, Jake, does your dick curve? You've seen my penis. You know. Let's get into this.

Even with the curvature, I've never heard of the problem of chafing on one side and then what's on the inside, like just a soft, moist, kind of like a hairless cat situation. People don't like the word moist. It's like a rainforest on one side

and the desert on the other. Two different climates. That sounds like psoriasates. That sounds like... It sounds like psoriasis. It sounds like he's had a bigger problem on a curved penis. Yeah, you have a rash. There's a venereal disease.

So you're saying don't worry about the curvature, worry about the dermatitis. Or the dermature. Very good. That was an emirism. You just pick it up when you're on here. Does anyone feel like they really understand this guy's plight, chafing on one side and not on the other?

You're getting one of these. There's somebody raising their hand right there. So while I don't completely understand the condition, you should check and make sure he doesn't have pyromine disease. I was going to say that. No, you were not. I was going to say that. You were not going to say Pyrones.

You don't completely understand the condition, but you do know an obscure disease. You said you can't speak with any level of certainty, but you should check specifically for Pyrones disease. By the way, that's your name. So you're the Lou Gehrig of having a bent dick. What is Peyron's disease? I think it's Peyronius.

Oh! How many people have this? Rap battle. Rap battle. Right now. DJ Peyronius. So what's Peyronius, sir? It's like when you get scar tissue in your dick

and it permanently curves. Twisted dick. Twisted dick syndrome. This is like an awesome med school class. And I'm the student. So you're saying scar tissue causes the curvature of your dick to shift to the left or right? I believe so, yes.

Everybody's like so tempted, like, I think that's what I heard it is. And I experienced none of that. My dick is long, straight, wide. It's what? It's botched circumcision that happens. Oh, that is anti-Semitic. All circumcisions are botched.

The penis comes out perfect. She said that was as a result of a botched circumcision. Am I to feel bad for a thousand-year tradition that my father forcibly put on me? That one horribly arrived? I had a botched circumcision. Really? The mohel took off the penis

and left the foreskin. It's like the Tom and Jerry thing where he takes a slice and then takes the rest of the cake. You could only make that joke in that tie. That's a very accurate matzo tie. I'm so surprised they let you wear that. You just want to eat it, don't you. I'm so surprised they let you wear that. You just want to eat it, don't you? I can't believe they let you wear that on HQ.

That's so progressive. Well, I definitely pushed my Jew-liberal agenda on this thing as much as possible. I saw yesterday's final answer was, who are the legit chosen people? And everybody had to answer because they wanted cash. How much do you get paid to host that?

All right, buddy. No, I'm serious. We're talking about the guy's current dick. We can fucking talk, candidly. We're just friends here. No, per episode, not per day. I'll do the math. This is...

Let me see your... Take out your W-2. Oh, it's curved to the left. It's all just words now, buddy. I get paid in the corrosive. Good man. As my contract stipulates So basically curved dick

Not that big of a deal Can you say that? Can we say that with certainty? We don't know how far it's curved Can we just say dicks in general Not that big of a deal? If you got one fine If not that's also alright

You're better off Yeah Depending on the curvature You're saying don't sweat it I just think there's different positions that he could try. Which one adjusts for the left curve? If he went on his side

and she went on her back, and they sort of interlocked their legs. The cherry picker would have to... Yeah, can I... An Iroquois twist. Demonstrate. So someone's going to have to take a photo of this alright yeah yeah so go up lie on your back

lie on your back with your legs up in the air you pushed me oh there it is this is a finger fuck leg lock come on right there I wanna see you walk This is a figure fuck leg lock. Come on, right there, right there.

I want to see you walk. I got to walk. I got to walk. That's it, come on, take it again, take it again, take it again. So I dropped out of college. I didn't want that. Wait, wait, wait, the money shot. We need the money shot. I really don't want that wait wait wait the money shot we need the money shot alright that was

the money shot $5,000 we had fun it's not an if I were you live if I don't simulate fucking my best friend while Scott watches

and directs the whole thing. I have a genuine question and it relates to what just happened here. What could you possibly have? This could be a jumping off point for a good conversation. I've always thought about this. If one, or I guess two,

were to, in public, maybe at a street corner or just, you know, outside a library, mime sex, in public, maybe at a street corner or just, you know, outside a library, mime sex, clothes on, is that an arrestable offense? Could you do it? Could you just go out there with your girlfriend, boyfriend, and just start, like, doing this

in your clothes, right there in the back? Could you get arrested for that? It's lewd conduct. It's lewd conduct? You can get fined for it. Mom, what do you think? You're an English teacher. I feel like I'm watching a pornographic version of HQ or something. Am I supposed...

Are there multiple answers? HQ after dark? Yeah. Is it A, illegal? B, frowned upon? Or C, they do it in a club. See, in a club, it's okay. But if you say, just take it outside, is my question. Is it... I don't know, I've thought about this. I've tried to do it in a club. See, in a club, it's okay. But just take it outside, is my question.

Is it? I don't know. I've thought about this. I've tried to do it in the CVS. What about y'all fucking you at a police officer? Is that illegal? I think that is illegal. What's the crime there, Your Honor? Freedom of speech. You fucking pig, look at me, buddy.

They're very fragile, sensitive people. And that's an assault in their eyes. Oh, okay. You can say a lot less, by the way. You fucking pig look to be funny. They're very fragile, sensitive people and that, you know, that's an assault in their eyes. Oh, okay. You can say a lot less, by the way. It depends on the color

of your skin and get arrested for it. Let's say that. Hey, let's get real. Unfortunately, let's get real. Let's get real. I know I was just

pantomime fucking Jake, but let's fucking talk about it. It's funny knowing that before this, the podcast in here was Pod Save the People hosted by DeRay McKesson. Yeah.

And then, not an hour later, I was fucking you on the stage. How far we've fallen. In just two short hours. Next question. Do you guys have time for another question? It seems like we do. Why don't we call on the

crowd for another guy's name. Oh, wait. A lady's name? Oh, wait. A lady's name. Sequoia. No, it's just a dude yelled Sequoia. You're like, a lady's name. And he's like, Sequoia.

A lady from the balcony. What, Sequoia's not good enough? No ladies in the balcony. Stevie? No, that was not a lady. Oh, you want a lady? I want a lady to stay there. Giving a name, because I thought Sequoia was a woman's name. Just?

Josh, what's your name? Mackenzie. All right, got one. Sequoia Mackenzie or just Mackenzie? Huh? Sequoia Mackenzie or just Mackenzie? I really don't want to give Sequoia anything. I'm going to Sequoia Mackenzie at Coachella.

Mackenzie writes, I have a crazy, kinky, cyber-sex relationship with my long-distance male companion. That's right. I always try to block out the noise with music or a fan so my roommates don't have to hear, but one of my roommates, who's also my best friend, said something the other day that makes me think she might have overheard me saying and doing some weird shit.

I often call my guy Daddy and say weird crap about how I want to pee all over his dick. So the Daddy thing seems normal. I was with her on the Daddy thing until now. Really with her... It's just what I'm into, I can't help it. Well, anyway, the roommate nonchalantly called me into her room the other day and started ranting about how she accidentally stumbled upon some erotic literature on the internet and realized

what crazy kinks there are out there. Specifically, she singled out people with daddy fetishes and says, quote, it's the most repugnant thing on earth. I can literally understand any other fetish but that one. And then she told me to, quote, stay away from her dad. So she definitely heard. Way to read between the lines.

She also said that the next most repulsive fetish is pee poop. I resent the accusation that they were lumped together like this, because really, I'm a lady who enjoys pissing on a dick. Doesn't mean I want to get shit slung at me. WTF, am I just being paranoid, or does it sound to you like she might want to be hinting at something? And if so, what do I do? Should I justify my fetish, or just be more discreet in the future?

P.S., excited to see you guys on April 6th at New York Live Show. Shlomo's girlfriend. So Shlomo is too embarrassed. Can we get Mackenzie? Get her up here. Luck be a lady tonight. Is Mackenzie here? Mackenzie?

We just walked somebody. She's standing. She's standing up. Standing up. Don't yuck your yum. Don't yuck the yum. Let's give it up for Mackenzie. She's peeing. She's peeing.

Piss isn't shit. Nice to meet you. Piss isn't shit. Mackenzie. Mackenzie, hi. How are isn't shit. Piss isn't shit. Mackenzie. Mackenzie, hi, how are you? I'm doing so good right now. This is not embarrassing. No, it's not at all.

We have to stop stigmatizing this shit. Okay. It's piss you mean. Hi. Jake's not standing. Scott's standing. I'm standing. Are you standing? We're all standing?

This is the weirdest interview I've ever conducted. I was just going to introduce myself. Okay. I'm Quiz Daddy. Yeah. I'll ever conducted. I was just going to introduce myself. I'm Quiz Daddy. I'll sit down. I'll sit down. Try to block out Jake's mom. She's not here.

Is the question very specifically why the pee-pee? I feel like that's what's on everybody's mind. Yeah. Oh, yeah, right. She asked us for advice. Oh, so your roommate knows.

Especially because she's here. Can you come up, roommate? Yeah, your roommate probably knows. The odds of her bringing up the daddy and the pee-pee back to back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's wrong about the daddy.

The daddy thing is out there. That's in the world. She should really grow up on that. But the pee thing. Now I've got questions. Why? Why the pee-pee? Oh, Lord.

And we have time. I mean, Jake, why the gerbils? It's not fair to ask these things. It's just not fair. And I'm going to answer after. I would have never thought I'd have to do this. But what an amazing opportunity. Okay.

Now we can just play this. Instead of saying why, how about sell it on us? Just like sell it. Okay, okay. Let's pitch it. Let's pitch it. Well, what's the how about sell it on us? Just like sell it. Okay, okay. Let's pitch it. Let's pitch it. Well, what's the best part about sex? Pissing on a dick.

It's obvious. The edge is obvious. It's obvious. The best part about sex is feeling close to somebody that you care about. How wet it is? How wet it is? How wet it is? Oh. I think I like

the most amount of friction possible. Oh. Well, okay, as a lady, who here is a lady? Raise your hand if you're a lady. Have you ever been having sex and the male is making you dry?

You could also use lube. But this is nature's lube. Okay, sorry, go ahead. There's more to it. Yeah, yeah. It's not the pee itself. I don't want a guy. I feel like when people

think about when people think about like golden showers they think it's just like a girl laying on the ground and a guy just like pissing all over her body i don't want that no one are you very much so against it or like you could take it or leave it i've also got a question. Like, do you want to pee on the guy, or do you want the guy to pee on you? So I don't want a guy to pee on me. You want to be the peer. That's disgusting.

Yeah. Yeah, I would not. Fuck that. Well, I have to say. Agreed. I have, like, a rich history with peeing. I've peed. Start at the beginning.

I have peed in every body of water that I've ever touched. That's cool. No, no, it's mine. Okay, I can do Dead Sea, Sea of Galilee, Lake Michigan. I'm with you on that. So I guess it's just knowing that I always have to pee. And if you're a lady and a guy has had sex with you and you've really had to go, it can hurt. So sometimes it's just like, you know,

you don't have to worry about that. You can just... Never getting laid again. Just one last question. Do you say, like, I'm going to pee now, and then you start peeing? Or do you just pee and that's fine? Well... How do you breathe?

How do you breathe? Also, follow up, is like, if you have asparagus, is that considered hotter? Oh. Or less hot? Oh no. Oh no. Jake. I'm genuinely trying to understand.

I know you are. I really feel for you. I wish I could explain it better. You know, you explained it great. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'm genuinely trying to understand. I know you are. I really feel for you. I wish I could explain it better. You're explaining it great. I'm down to try it. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Not yet. No, no, no. Not like yet. Yeah. Okay, okay. I'm just going to pee on my face. I will do the... Sorry.

Squirt, squirt. That's all, folks. Thank you. No, but haven't we been hearing in the news lately these scientists have said possibly that squirting and urinating is one and the same? It is the same. It's the same. So that's what hap...

Is this true? Can we Snopes this? Can someone Snopes this right now? I'm pretty sure recently they have discovered that they are basically the same. And weird fact. Okay, so I've had a UTI before. Start the slideshow! Back to the cat.

Humble brag. I've had a UTI before, and if you've ever had a UTI, the medicine you take to make it feel better, it can turn your pee orange. Well, I have something that makes me... And that's extra hot or not extra hot? No, no, it's just I'm getting to a realization I had,

which is once I squirted... Oh, my God, I hate myself. Once I squirted... Actually, we have to break for a Squarespace ad. One second. One second. And my pee was orange. My pee had been orange the whole time of my UTI,

but the pee, the whatever that came out was clear. So that makes me think that maybe it's not the same. In your face. No, no, that's what she was saying. Oh, no. In your face. In somebody's, no, that's what she was saying. Oh, no. In your face. Anyway. In somebody's face. On someone's dick.

Well, I want to, I like, I want to like kind of like introduce sex positivity to people, which I'm doing right now. Not on our podcast. Everyone is a chaste virgin. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Go ahead I don't know

Is my roommate From the stance she took Is she beyond I can't get it through to her Or does it not matter Pee on her Pee on her Pee on her

Pee on her Pee on her Pee on her Pee on her That's it Is that it? That was it We can't beat pee on her Yeah Guys thank you so much for coming

Thanks to Scott for coming Whoa Oh my god That was crazy Thanks to New York Podcast Thank you guys for having us And thanks for listening Good night. A small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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