Segments - 324: Sexy Flashlight (w/Doughboys Nick Wiger + Mike Mitchell!)

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Friends and New HeadGum Podcaster's Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell (Doughboys) join us to discuss procrastination, masturbation, and how to unclog a toilet.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Never got advice from the right guys. Don't know how to get him between my inner thighs. Don't know how to make my one seem legit. Or any kind of social etiquette.

I'm on my knees. Am I even giving this guy head or right? I'll seize the cheese Fuck, I'm sorry, didn't mean to bite You come here, show by Jake and I'm there Make the situation seem almost clear Oh dear, helpful at a steady pace And they're sponsored by Squirrels

You come here, when I'm feeling awkward I'm concerned So I'm gonna tell you what I'll do I'm gonna listen to a couple Jews They always come through on a podcast called If I Were You I think that you should listen to And listen to without you Yeah, that was Claire. Thanks, Claire.

Weiger Mitch, what do you guys think? A little body for a stretch. B-A-W-D-Y? Yes, yeah. Oh, body. Yeah, Claire. Weiger Mitch, what do you guys think? A little body for a stretch. B-A-W-D-Y? Yes, yeah. Oh, body. Yeah, right. Yeah, the head part. Like it was too salacious for you.

Yeah, it got a little ribald. Yeah, for sure. I saw you take the headphones off. Yeah, my monocle fell into my wine glass. It was a whole ordeal. You spit champagne a bit. It was a spit take. I kind of liked that dirtiness.

Kind of a dirty guy, right? Yeah. You're a horn dog. You like the bodiness. I like that bodiness. No real plugs, says Claire. Just my Insta, Claire Fleur. I might put out an album soon.

So if you play this five years from now, tell people to look up Claire Fay. F-E-Y. Thanks, Claire. Thank you, Claire. play this five years from now tell people to look up claire fey f-e-y thanks thanks claire killing it i believe it was a a parody of demi lovato's heart attack got it i might be wrong but that's what i looked so i've never heard that song but i have heard the i've heard the cover and i like that one better frankly have you guys ever done that where you listen to a song and you're like you know that's actually a cover And then you realize you like the cover more than the original. Yeah, I think so.

I mean, I think it's the Hendrix Watchtower is the big one. Oh, yeah. It's a Bob Dylan song. Oh. And yeah, the Hendrix version is just like a lot more electric. What about the Ska version of There's Always Something There to Remind Me? Oh, that's good, yeah. I think that's the one that everybody knows.

All chicks are pop punk. Or the Lemonhead's Mrs. Robinson. Right. Newfound Glory, Never Ending Story is a big one for me, too. Oh, that's a good one.

The Atari's cover of Boys of Summer. Yeah. I do not like that. I do not like that one. I heard that one on the radio recently. After the boys have sung the record.

They changed one detail in that, which they changed a black flag sticker instead of, what's it in the original? It's a deadhead sticker. It's a deadhead sticker, and they changed a black flag sticker for some reason. It's one lyrical change. It's so arbitrary. Is that legal? You can do that? You have to ask for permission to do the one change?

Or is that the one thing that makes it legal? Yeah, right. We changed the words. I have black flag sticker. Gavel, innocent, innocent. Come Together, Aerosmith? I think I originally thought that was like an Aerosmith song. Oh, yeah.

Oh, and it's a Beatles. Yeah. Is that the right title of the song? Yeah, yeah. Come Together. Yeah. It'serosmith song. Oh, yeah. Oh, and it's a Beatles. Yeah. Is that the right title of the song? Yeah, yeah. Come Together. Yeah. It's a Beatles song. I thought it was truly Aerosmith.

That's an embarrassing one. That's really good. Yeah, but that was like the first band I was, like as a boy, which is embarrassing anyways, but that was like the first band I was into. I knew the Blackbird song. Blackbird at the end of, what was that like? Oh, Dynamite Hack, Boys in the Hood.

Yeah. I knew Blackbird from the end of that song before the Beatles version. Yeah. Right? My parents were not Beatles parents. I grew up listening to Billy Joel. Yeah.

So I didn't even learn any Beatles songs until I was in college, which college. These guys are pretty good. They're not bad. Have you guys heard this song, Hello Jude? Do you see Taylor Swift got in trouble today for doing a cover? Really? Yeah.

We don't usually do topical shit, but just an hour ago, Taylor Swift released Earth, Wind & Fire's September cover, and people are getting mad at her for making it white. Yeah. Yeah, and I listened to part of it. It wasn't very good. It's not good?

Yeah. It's like a Taylor Swift love acoustic song that she turned September into. when I was in high school and I had been drinking a little bit and I woke up the next morning and, uh, on my computer, I had brought up the lyrics to September. And I was like, what was I doing last night? Why was I reading?

Why was I looking up the lyrics to September? Why were there tears on my pillow? That's so much more pure than like waking up and find that you've texted one of your exes. Right. Like weird shit on Pornhub. That's true. I got drunk and looked up the lyrics. What lyrics did I look up last night?

I was so gone, I tried to dissect a fucking classic rock song. That song owns, by the way. Earth, Wind & Fire is great. Yeah. They were doing concerts just recently, weren't they? Yeah, I think they still, from what I've heard, they just put on an amazing show. Yeah. Well, if you want to hear a Taylor Swift version, it's all over the internet.

All over the web. We're good. I used to call, did you ever call into radio? This is another high school thing I did. I'd call into radio stations on the weekends at night. Oh, for what? I would request songs. And this guy called me, who was he?

Because I'm trying to remember, it was on ZLX in Boston, which is like a classic rock station. And he called me Mayor Mike. He called me the Mayor of Quincy. Like I called in multiple times and would be like messed up and be like, play like Pink Floyd or whatever I would do. You could like get on the air? I'd get on the air. Wow.

This was how we used to listen to songs before Winamp. We have to call a radio station and beg them to play a song so you can hear it over the frequency. What was that like? That weird thing that came out? It was like an online jukebox. It was like after Napster. Oh, yeah, where everyone could DJ a room.

Yeah, it was like some sort of precursor to Spotify. Yeah, it's a virtual you DJing a room, and then if enough people vote you away, then another person becomes a DJ. Do you guys remember that? I semi-remember this. Yeah, DJ a room app. Do you guys remember that? I semi-remember this. Yeah. DJ a room. Oh, man. Virtual?

Next to September? This would have predated when people called them apps, I think. This would have been like... The website. Remember website? What an archaic term. God, it was so weird back then.

I used to call in sports radio stations. Oh, nice. Because they would have giving away baseball tickets every night because it was tens of thousands of tickets. So they were like, hey, Colin, give us your best guess for something. We'll give you baseball tickets. And at a certain point, I was just every day in the mill opening up baseball

tickets that I would or wouldn't use because as a 10-year-old, you don't really need to go to a Dodger game every other day. It's nice that you live so close to the stadium, though. I wrote Bill Simmons an angry... Remember, he had a thing where you could write to him, maybe even on the website. Oh, the mailbag? Just like an online submission form, you mean.

Yeah, basically. And I wrote a very angry, which I wouldn't even want to see now. I was maybe a sophomore or junior in college. So it was like, you're fucking, you don't speak for all of Boston. It was like stuff like that where it was. I'm Mayor Mike. I'm Mayor Quincy. Also, can you play Three Dog Night?

Mama told me not to come to your next column. That does seem like a Bill Simmons-y thing to do. Yeah, comparing that to a classic Red Sox moment or something. All right, I should introduce you guys. We've been talking for nine minutes, and some people don't know that you are Nick Weiger and Mike Mitchell from the Doughboys. That's right, correct. Mike Mitchell, Mitch, but Mike. Yeah, everyone calls me Mitch.

Not Mike. Well, I mean, my name is Mike, so I'm fine with it. It just, you know, when you're Mike, no one, they call you something different. Yeah. When your name is Mike, they just call you something different. They call you Mitch. Doughboys, Headcumbs' newest, latest, greatest podcast. That's right.

We're taking down the network. Greatest is a little much. Well, the most, yeah, latest is fine. Stick with latest. Latest is fine. Latest, that also just kind of sounds like you guys died. The late Doughboys podcast.

Possibility. Very excited to have you on the network. Very excited to have you on our show now. In case, for whatever reason, some of our fans haven't listened to your show. What's the elevator pitch? What's the logline for the Doughboys? I guess we do get to say, this is going to be hard.

I mean, it's the podcast about chain restaurants. That's it in a sentence. Mitch and I, we both have very strong opinions on food. And specifically, what we cover is the fast food chains and the sit-down chains that are oftentimes derided or ignored in the MSM, the mainstream media. Don't need to start on those guys. So we'll go to Olive Garden, we'll go to Denny's, we'll go to Wendy's, we'll go to Taco Bell, and we'll review these chains, and we treat it with a good degree of seriousness. and i think that's partly what people respond to is that we do actually evaluate this food and we're not you know we're and we like it we're celebrating it we're not making fun of it yeah yeah you treat it very seriously you guys

are reviewing like uh something like taco bell talking about like the menu items and what you rate everyone and what you give it on a grand scale and then nick you start every episode with like a what do you call it? A two to three minute cold open about the brief history of the restaurant? Yeah, it's like a loosely plagiarized monologue from Wikipedia where I just sort of recite a bunch of facts about that

week's chain. Usually veers into dark territory. Well, that's just my own personal psyche bleeding into it. Has anyone ever done one on you guys? I was thinking of starting this episode with that. You know, we actually went on... Was it Nangle? Oh, that's right.

Our friend Jess McKenna's podcast. Her and Zach Reno's podcast. Oh, yeah. We're going to bleep all that out because they're not a HeadGum podcast. Right, right. You should. But Off Book, they do an improvised musical, and we guessed it on that, and she surprised us with a cold open about the Doughboys podcast.

Did Nangle ever do one, too? No, I mean, Nangle called my mom. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Called her what? She wouldn't dare. She called her up.

She got her to leave a voice message on her phone, which is so strange that they were talking to each other. She also got my wife, Natalie Natalie to record something for the show. Oh, that's right. She's a little prankster. She's a little sneak. She's great. She's a sneakster.

But this is our podcast. This is an advice show. People email us. They're in sticky situations in need of our guidance for whatever reason. Jake and I are happy to oblige. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have new friends in the studio. Today, it's you guys.

So what we have here are real emails from real people. We give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity in case they're a little afraid of being outed by their friends and relatives. Like, that specific situation wasn't me because we weren't talking to that person by their actual name. So, Mitch, why don't we start with you? Oh, wow. Do you have a name to call this guy, one dude?

A gentleman's name. A gentleman's name. Do I have a name for him? Yeah. Do you have a name for him? I'm going to call him Dog Dog Man. Were you... Swish.

Dog Dog Man or just Dog Man? Dog Dog Man. Dog Dog Man. That sounds like the first video game. That was the working title for Mario. It's a dog in a costume trying to go to a movie. What's your name, sir? Dog Dog.

Dog Dog Man. You're thinking of Dog Man. That's not me. I'm Dog Dog Man. Dog Dog Man writes, I'm a freshman in college and I'm living in a dorm. This year is ending and i still don't know 75 of the guys on my floor and that's fine because almost every interaction i have with them

has been negative and i do not particularly care about making friends with any of these guys but recently something slightly more serious has occurred our floor has a problem with clogged toilets and it happens more than it should at least one or two of the five toilets being clogged uh at all times and it's pretty nasty i just thought it was due to our floor being full of guys shit happens but it isn't ideal and what are you going to do besides what are you going to do besides your best individually not to clog it however the other day after leaving the area where the toilets are, which I guess is just the bathroom. You know the area where the toilets are.

Leaving the area where the toilets are and going to where the sinks are to wash my hands, and this one weird kid was staring at me. I washed my hands and left. Not two seconds later, I see him posting on our floor group message a description of me saying, I just saw this kid trying to purposefully clog one of the toilets. The group message blew up and all the kids on the floor were saying they were going to kick the shit out of this kid who was clogging this toilets. I didn't say anything because one, the toilet was not even fucking clogged. And two, I can avoid any interaction with these kids at, uh, that I want to. And three, I thought it would blow over and no one would bring it up. However, later I see this shit posted in the bathroom and it's a notice that says,

we know what you look like. You are above average height. You are white. You have curly light hair. You wear glasses and you have a light gray backpack. We've had enough of your immature antics. Oh man, that narrows it down to every guy at college. Being a young Jewish man, this description of me is pretty accurate,

and I do have a light gray backpack. So what do I do in this situation? Sorry for writing a short novel. I just hope you get to my question. Love, Dog Dog Man. Dog Dog Man. Dog Dog Man. All right.

Short novel or novella, if you will. Nice. All right. Short novel or novella, if you will. Nice. Shut up. I think the answer is pretty obvious here. New backpack. That's exactly what I was going to say. Everything is fine. All you need is a new backpack.

Yeah. You don't have to go full fugitive. But there is that one dude. There is the one dude that saw him, though. Yeah. So if he's walking down the hall, even with a new backpack, and that guy is like, you're the clogger. Right. Like, that guy will, that guy can spot him.

So he has to murder one person and get a new backpack. I should say that the top of the bulletin said, attention Holland Hall toilet clogger. We know what you look like. So it was kind of outing him as the toilet clogger. I'm just surprised, because for me, he says he doesn't know 75% of the guys on his floor, which is fine. I feel like, you know, I'm thinking of my dorm experience. Yeah, you definitely did. Probably more so.

Right. I'm taking the over. But I still, like, knew who they were. Like, I may never have had a conversation with this guy, but I know, like, oh, that's Ben from my floor. my floor you know what i mean like the fact that these guys don't know his name and he doesn't seem to know their name i'm just wondering how big this how sprawling this dorm floor is like what the situation is exactly it must be massive but then if there's also a problem in this particular bathroom uh-huh it even it even that just has to be like a wing of the bathrooms right like a wing of the hall i'm inferring from this that it's an all-male floor does that seem to be like a wing of the bathrooms. Right. Or a wing of the hall. I'm inferring from this that it's an all-male floor.

Does that seem to be the case? Do you say that specifically? Yeah, you constantly mention guys, 75% of the guys. Right. Did you guys have co-ed bathrooms in college? We did not have co-ed bathrooms, but we had co-ed floors. There were all like, there were just like one-gender floors. I don't know if that's a thing they do anymore, but that was...

Yeah, we had a single-gender floor. Yeah. I had a single-gender floor two years in a row, actually. Really? Mm-hmm. And you preferred it that way, right? You said, can I live on a single gender floor? Can I live on a single gender floor, please?

Preferably ladies. On our floor... You're kicked out. My freshman year, we had a problem with the sinks, or no, not the... Or the shower drains being clogged from people jerking off into them. Oh, Scott.

And there was a notice of... So much semen that had clogged up. There's like, who off into them. And there was like a notice. So much semen that it clogged up. Who was doing that? And we were like, everybody. All of us. Yeah, where are you? Yes, you gotta. That's where a lot of,

yeah, I feel like you gotta do it. It's the only private spot we had. That's why you wear shower sandals. In the communal showers? Yeah, why not? I feel like those stall uh they're they're like bathrooms like i remember them them ours at least they were like kind of just like open and then they were the stall uh walls didn't go all the way to the floor yeah they just went like

part way down ours were ours were tile walls that went all the way down okay it was still an open room and there was only curtains yeah it wasn. There wasn't a lot of privacy there. I can't imagine. There was a bathtub in the East Tower. There was like a bathtub shower. Where did you go to school? There was like a bigger, there was like one big one and then all small ones. And then if I had to, that's where I would go.

And also I would like plan it out instead of my, you know, you plan around your, anyways, all of this just reminds me that college is trash. Where'd you guys go to school? Your college had a bath. I went to Ithaca College in upstate New York. You'd just sit in that tub and say, this is City Hall and I'm the mayor. Smoking a cigar.

Nick, you went to UCLA? Yes, I did. I didn't graduate. Why not? How many years did you go there? Two? I went there three years broken up. Oh, okay, broken up. I gotcha. I went two years and Yes, I did. I didn't graduate. Why not? How many years did you go there? Two? I went there three years broken up. Oh, okay. It's broken up. I got you. I went two years. So you're almost done.

Yeah. I guess I could finish my degree, but at this point, what's that going to get me? You don't have a college degree? No. Dumbass. I have a feeling you knew that. Jake's the same way. He doesn't have a college degree either.

Oh. That's right. But I went to even less school and my school that I went to was way worse than UCLA.

Okay. He went to Stanford. But the last school I went to was Hunter College in Manhattan. Okay. That's a legit school.

Yeah, that's a real one. Nick and I don't, we give a hard time to college. Yeah, it's kind of a, it's something of a scam, right? It has, yes. It absolutely is.

It's crazy. I mean, UCLA is at least like a public school. You probably didn't pay too much money, but like. Yeah, and we had in-state tuition and my dad worked for the state. So it was like a little bit, you know, it wasn't a, it wasn't especially costly. Yeah. But the, like the tuition still, even in the UC system, has gone up so, so much. Right.

And I feel like that's just, I mean, I don't know if I'm talking about college debt, but people probably, your listeners have some of it, know how crippling it can be. It took me years to get out of my college debt, and I had literally nothing to show for it. I think this guy's story just reminds me of colleges. Like, you go there, and then you're like, Oh, there's like dumb assholes. Like you just realized that there's like, like the weird guy who probably is the clogger.

I'm sure that that guy is the clogger. I know what the clogger looks like. The toilet's overflowing behind him. It's like a game of mafia. It's like, why are you accusing everyone? You're the, you're the murderer.

He's the, he's for sure. He's for sure the clogger. Also, just buy a fucking plunger for that floor or something, right? I mean, it depends on the severity of the clog, because it may be something that needs to be snaked out. Spoken like a true clogger. What color is your backpack? Light gray. Holy shit. That's right. It's me, Big Shits Weiger. BSW. I like, too, that we're trying to get people to come and listen to the Doughboys podcast and we're two old men who say they hate college.

Young listeners. People at college hate college, too. It is crazy that you're paying like $50,000 a year to shit next to a bunch of people trying to clog the toilet. Right. And that college experience is viewed as valuable for some reason, when living in the dorms is generally pretty miserable. Yeah. I would

say, I mean, yeah, I don't know, we're towards the end of the school year, right? Like, it sounds like he's almost, I would just try to power through it. What else can you do at this point? Yeah. I mean, if it escalates to bullying or something, that's one then

you start really clogging the toilet right yeah that'll show them yeah uh but uh yeah i mean that that's just like college it's just sort of you know when i went to i do you go for go to go through high school and then you go to college and they kind of like i'm done with high school and then you're like oh wait it's the same shit yeah and then you get jobs and then you're like oh it's all it's just this is just how people behave. There's always like you'll have the job and you'll have someone who clogs the toilet at your job or someone who like microwaves their chili and it gets everywhere and they don't clean it up. Like there's just assholes everywhere. It doesn't get better.

It never gets better. But at least in your job, you're getting paid. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. At college, you have to pay to just experience this shit. better. No. But at least in your job, you're getting paid. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, at college, you have to pay to just experience this shit. Right. Yeah. Anyway, this next question is about somebody who microwaves chili and doesn't clean the microwave.

So I'll skip that one specifically. Actually, we have a really sweet question, but I want to take some time with it. So let me take a break now since we're at about the halfway point of our show. Can you believe it? Time flies. We're over 20 minutes deep. Where does it go? We'll be right back with Mitch and Weiger after this.

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So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Do you guys have any? Oh, it's a lift! Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. So, I just, every time we do this, I have to apologize to the guests for the mom, I'm coming part. Right.

It was a goof. You should apologize to your mom for that. I don't even know the origin story of it now, but that's neither here nor there. A lot of raunch in your guys' music. Yeah. If you thought the opening theme song was body. Do you guys have any unsolicited advice for us?

I got a little something, and we were in the world of uh male uh you know hygiene to some degree earlier and this is this is along those lines um this is a trick i learned put your socks on before your underwear oh because that way any fungus on your feet is not going to transfer upward to your genitals by by it your your underwear legs dragging along it as you put them on. Yeah, your feet, rather, touching your underwear as you put it on. Is that real doctor advice?

Yeah, it's like an actual- Or is that like you're some sort of OCD person? Right. I've conducted some tests on my own, some control groups. No, this is a thing I actually read online about like how to not get jock itch. And I was like, oh, okay, I'll start doing that. Holy shit. I had jock itch.

Yeah. Over the summer. Yeah, I've had it. It was awful. I've had it before. It's really miserable. And it's like a punchline sort of, you know, ailment. People are like, aha, jock itch.

Oh, boy. But it actually is very uncomfortable. And you've got to have some sort of cream like on your – it's just horrible i'll do is i'll put the cream on my feet and there you go yeah that way when i drag my tight tight underwear up my legs the residue from the cream traveling all the way up my pale thighs finally landing where the jock itch is i can't put the socks on first sure you can no i always wait to put the socks on when I'm about to put my shoes on. Right. I wait, my socks, my morning routine is underwear, pants, socks in my pocket, and then I make coffee.

Oh, socks in your pocket. Wow. I don't put the socks on until I'm about to leave. I'll tell you what, I thought you were going to say put the socks on before pants, which is what I've been doing, because it's easier to put your pants on over your socks than put your socks on under your pants. I do do that. I've, like, I've always done that, but that was a more, socks before underwear was something that I started doing after that.

Yeah. In terms of pulling your socks up under your pants, I mean, if you've got some tight pants, that can be tricky. Yeah. Yeah, that's... Do you go belt first and then pants? So you put the belt on around your naked waist? Right, right.

And then you pull your pants. I do belt around my neck. Hat on my dick. Sock on my nose. Everything is topsy-turvy. Dry hopping a pillow. Do you guys do barefoot in the house or like socks walking around your house? We have a shoe-free home. So, yeah, I will take my shoes off when I get home and won't put them on again until I leave the house.

As far as socks versus bare feet, I mean, I think it's better to be barefoot, right? Because your feet aren't getting sweaty. You're not getting that moisture trapped in there. But sometimes if it's a little cold, a little frigid, I'll put on some socks. Just so my tootsies aren't cold. We have a slipper house. Okay.id, I'll put on some socks. Just so my tootsies aren't cold. We have a slipper house. Okay. Well, actually, just me.

Right. But, like, I'm an old man now. I have orthopedic slippers that are really, really soft. And I don't know. They sound great. Oh, yeah. It's so nice. I look forward to them.

I have custom insoles in my new balances. So I'm an old man as well. And, like, adapting to that old man life is delightful. I got Dr. Scholls in my sneakers right now. And? I'm Jelen. Call me Mud Jelen. It's funny, when Doughboys joined HeadGum,

I was reading some of the tweet replies, and some of the people were saying that the similarities between me and Jake and you guys, some of the tweet replies and some of the people were saying that uh the the similarities between me and jake and you guys and a lot of people were saying that weiger was more of a me and that mitch was more of a jake but now i'm seeing some similarities between you two right yeah the non the non-shoe lifestyle yeah i think i think a lot of the people say is suggesting a connection between uh usabir is the southland connection that That's right. We're both from SoCal. So I think that's part of where that came from.

Laker fans. You guys are like the robots of your podcast. That's right. Yeah, that's true. You're the human? I'm the human. Good man. When you came here just eight minutes ago,

you were changing the clock on our oven. That's true. Without asking anybody. Without asking you guys. I called them out on it were changing the clock on our oven. That's true. Without asking anybody. I mean, we've been here for two years. Without asking you guys. I called them out on it. Was the clock wrong or was it not even on? It was wrong.

It was about, I mean, it was like 20 minutes early. Did you hear the anger in his voice when he said it was wrong? It was wrong. It was an easy thing to fix. I told Mitch I had that model stove before in a previous apartment. So I was like, okay, I know exactly how to change this. Wow. He put on a blindfold and did it.

And then he turned three of the stove tops on, gas only. Yeah, he's lighting a match and throwing it over through the window. Backdraft. They took Headcum down from the inside. That was a solid unsolicited advice. That's the exact level we want. Okaydraft. They took Headcum down from the inside. That was a solid unsolicited advice. That's the

exact level we want. Okay, great. Oh, man, I don't have one. I mean, like, I was trying to think of one

when Nick was giving his, and I'm like, I know I have something. Some sort of life hack? Yeah, you

know, buy a Roomba. Oh, okay. I actually put one on my wedding registry. Did you? Yeah.

That's the only thing on it. I was trying to think of things that, I mean, I have two cats, and I was just trying to think of things that have really helped my life, and the Roombas is very helpful to me. I mean, I know it's an expensive gift. It's not an easy thing to just go and do. I mean, that's 200 bucks.

Yeah, for a nice one, it's 232. There's a really good- Does it clean floors or carpets or both? Both. It's a vacuum. It's a little vacuum. They're good now. I think when they first came out, they were bad.

Yeah, I bet. And now they're good now. They travel around. Can you tell me how they move? Is it row by row or is it just random and it's eventually getting to everything? It's kind of random. And then it maps out your house and it moves around. Wow.

The cats love it. They chase it around. It's very fun and cute. Did they ever ride it? No. I thought about that, though. They might weigh too much. But that would be very cute.

And I'll have a guest on one time that said, whose advice was to get two cats. And I'm not kidding. Really? Yeah. Dude has two cats and he loves it not kidding. Well, really? Yeah. Yeah. Dude has two cats, and he loves it. Yeah, it changed my life.

Did you buy them both at the same time? I got them both at their brother and sister. And that was just after listening to that episode, right, Mitch? It was after listening to that episode. People really take the advice to heart. Their brother and sister, though, at one point they were getting a little frisky with each other. Oh.

Cersei and Jaime Lannister Game of Thrones style wait so how long have you had the cats I've had them for two years now and how long

have you had the Roomba and I've had the Roomba for about one year now and it's been great and if you had to choose Roomba I heard you need to get two Roombas

because then he doesn't get too lonely a bonded pair of Roombas tethered by their Bluetooth I'm on Roomba.com right now. Sorry, I should say iRobot.com. That's right. iRobot, the movie, makes a robot that can actually

clean your home. Do you know the difference between these four models of Roomba? Is there that many differences between a self-moving vacuum? It'd be nice if one of them had a camera so you could watch from your phone what part of the house it was cleaning. That's good. That's very good. Wi-Fi enabled or something.

I like that. There's probably one that's like $1,000, right? You're talking about the 980 model? Yeah, titanium alloy. Same as your New Balances. Polished iron chassis. I mean, this is beautiful. And it plays music.

I love the specs. I love hearing the specs. How long do you keep it on? What's the torque on that bad boy? How long do you keep it on? Is it on all day? And it goes once a day. It's scheduled once a day, every day.

Scheduled? Scheduled. Does it plug itself in? It does. It goes back to the charging dock on its own. That's awesome. Sometimes it's funny. You'll find it just like,

we'll say it's on a ledge or something, and you'll go and see it trapped, and you'll be like, oh, Roomba. So what are you doing? As you come home and it's drunk on red wine, watching TV. I was worried sick. Not that you care.

I guess I'm programmed to clean after you. I wish you were programmed to give a shit. Spilling it on the white carpet. Roomba. See if I can get that out. And I'll say this about the Roomba. Is that before I got the Roomba, the cats were tracking litter so much that I felt litter in my bed. And that's when I said I need to make some sort of change here because they're tracking litter everywhere. And so that's when I bought the Roomba. But the Roomba's not getting in my bed. And that's when I said, I need to make some sort of change here because they're tracking litter

everywhere. Right. And so that's, that's when I bought. But the Roomba is not getting your bed. The room, the Roomba is, the Roomba is.

But it gets the litter before it gets in the bed. Yeah. Yeah. This is so, if you, if you put the area and this is, I've got it, the room,

the Roomba about a year ago. So for two years, but, um, this, this isn't bragging, but I want to tell this. But a girl had come over and she got into my bed and she said, were you eating snacks

in your bed? Because the litter had been all over the bed. But at that point, you almost have to lie and be like, yes, I was. Can I have this snack then? This small little oat snack. I'm going to eat it. Gray nerds. Do you know if she wasn't just reacting to the Reese's wrappers that are just in your

covers in addition to the litter? It was my mom, by the way. I'll just ask her whenever. All right. Solid. Two solid bits of advice. Yes. One coming from the mind of a germaphobe,

and the other an awesome little room of device. And we have a coupon code for that, I imagine? Yeah. iMitch. iMitch. Wow, you got your own personal website, too. All right, here's more of a sweeter question coming from a lady listener.

Weiger, why don't you give us a sweet lady's name? Oh, a sweet lady's name? Hey, who's sweeter than Princess Peach? Nick, that's nice. God, you rock hard. Nick, are you from the iRobot company as well? Because you are just good, clean fun. Princess Peach writes, let's get down to business do either of you have problems concentrating on the creative process i want to write i love to

write i have a million ideas i have started so many projects but i have such an intensely difficult time actually finishing anything any advice on how on how to keep yourself motivated would be groovy. Much love, Princess Peach. This is a good example of the male questions we get, the toilet clogger versus the female who wants to just finish writing assignments occasionally. What are your guys' day jobs for those of you who don't know? Do you have day jobs? Do you consider yourselves writers, actors, comedians? I mean, the bulk of my income comes from writing

jobs. So I mean, that's how I classify myself. I used to be a staff writer until fairly recently. I was a staff writer on this Comedy Central show called At Midnight, and I've worked a lot in variety sketch. And a lot of times there, you're under a deadline. And the thing I would say as far as what was useful about that in terms of transferring it to my own work is just like the imposing a deadline is the best inspiration. Like you'll get something done. You're just like, okay, I have to get this thing done by this period of time. We're meeting at 8am to write a show that is going to tape at 3 o'clock this afternoon and is going to air at 11 o'clock tonight. So we have this much time to write the show. And if you don't do it, you just have to do it because that's what you have to do. So I would just say try to impose deadlines on yourself and try to stick by them in the same way that you'll be like, okay, I have this yoga class that I have to go to and it's at this time and I'm going to go to it because I've signed up for it and I paid for it and that will help me stay accountable from an exercise standpoint easier than just saying like, you know what, I should start jogging, like having like a clear tangible

obligation, try to impose that on yourself. And if that doesn't work with just you, I mean, maybe a group of like-minded colleagues and friends you can, you can collaborate with and, and all hold each other accountable. But yeah, that's the only thing that works for me really. It's, it's,

it's always tough though. I still find myself like starting things and abandoning things. Yeah. It's hard to even start things. Starting's the hard part. Before you start. Starting is very hard. I think the advice of,

of writing with people is good. Because I mean, I am a writer-actor, so that means I'm barely not a writer, I guess. But anytime I do like to write, I like to write with other people. So get together and share it with them. Sure. Yeah. Knowing what you bring to the table. Maybe for me, I needed an Amir.

I need somebody that focuses our energy and meets the deadlines like you're talking about. So if I have that, then I can contribute like, you know, my style of creativity and things get done. So finding a writing partner is one. And I would also say, she's talking about having a million ideas. Try just having like five. Yeah, your five favorites.

Four. Narrow it down. Yeah, maybe pitch some of those ideas to some trusted friends and see what – maybe they'll help guide you on which ones you should focus on. Right. And a little writing group, you'd have to hold yourself accountable. So if you, if you got a few friends that were writers and I say every, every Sunday we meet or something, then you'd have to, you want to have something there to read, right? Right. Yeah. That's good. I always, I always find it so hard for, I only know about comedy writing, but like when I hear about somebody writing a script by themselves, like, how do you know what's funny? Like when me and Jake write, we just write, I come up with a joke

and if it makes him laugh, then it's good. And if it doesn't, then it's bad. And if it's just like me alone in a room and I like show the joke to the wall and it's complete silence, right? Well, I hope that's good. Times 120 pages. Like, I hope this is good. I hope this is good. And then you show the finished product to someone that seems like impossible to me. How are you supposed to know if something's funny? If there's like a room full of nothing in front of you. I think that's the scary thing in comedy is that when everyone just doesn't laugh anymore. I could show you, I was going to say I could show you my funniest joke and you wouldn't laugh,

but that just means it's not funny. But I'm saying you don't laugh much anymore. You're done. Oh, I don't think that's true. You're dead inside. No. But you would say a lot of people don't laugh anymore at like a right i i mean i think maybe i mean you're maybe talking about the the sort of jaded comedy

writer side of things which which may not be who the princess peach is that that may not be her circle but yeah that that is a thing i think that happens i think you get the too cool for school people who are like not and that's funny right instead of like a genuine laugh yeah or something's got to be like meta or like format breaking to actually evoke a laugh because they know they're just familiar with all the tricks and whatever you know do you know that's a harvard lampoon thing is like the like that they don't laugh like they only laugh at something they think is very they'd never give a courtesy like like uh there's some there's some people who like adhere to it but they're like they never give a courtesy laugh that's hard that's that just makes things uncomfortable for you like if somebody says a joke you just stare at them like that's bad for everyone harvard harvard people are smart that but that's dumb that's

like that just that that's a comedy killer yeah Yeah, I agree. Courtesy laugh is like, let's keep this conversation alive. Right. It's the, that's, I would get, I always get courtesy laughs. It's the way I get laughs. Also, if somebody asks you a question that you don't necessarily agree with, they're told not to answer. So you just stare at them in silence until they have to ask something more interesting or thought-provoking. You know what? This is a good point.

Princess Peach, surround yourself with toads in Mario and Luigi. Stay away from Waluigi, Wario. And all the Wads. Bowser especially. Yeah, Bowser especially. Pre-Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong or Cranky Kong. Iggy.

Yeah. I wish we only gave her this advice instead of any of the writing advice stay away from Ludwig Ludwig Bon you're naming all the little Bowsers all the Koopalings yeah who were at one point the Koopa kids

but they've been retconned into just being sort of Bowser affiliates because Bowser Jr. is now his one kid oh yeah and they've also they've clarified that Bowser's dick Bowser affiliates because Bowser Jr. is now his one kid. Oh, yeah. And they've also they've clarified that Bowser's dick doesn't work, right?

Right. Yeah, because who's Bowser's wife? That's a good point. Who's he fucking? Where's the mom Bowser? We should see a mom Bowser. That's a great idea.

Or a Mouser for short. Oh. Although there was a Mouser. There is a Mouser. That's a different character. Yeah. Is Mouser the boss in 2? Is that who? Yeah, there's like an electric mouse. The rat with a Mouser. There is a Mouser. Is Mouser the boss in 2? Is that who?

The rat with sunglasses, I think? Oh, wait. Yes. Wait. Hold on a second. Because there's a Ninja Turtles Mouser. Yeah, that's a different thing. Oh, really? And then the boss of Mario 2 is a mouse with sunglasses. Is that just called Mouser? I think so. Has anyone talked about

Mouser being a female Bowser? All right, let's get to one last question. This one's from a lady who, it's a good combination of the first two questions we've asked, tried to answer. She's writing and shitting. Yeah. Do you have a female lady's name? Yeah. Of course.

I do. And it's really good. And here it is. Um. Yeah. Of course. I do. And it's really good. And here it is. Here it is. Helen Donovan, my grandmother. Let's see you make fun of that one, Nick. Yes, First Lady of Quincy. What do you think of that, Nick?

I'm sure she was a lovely woman. She was. She's still alive. You bastard. Oh, wow she was a lovely woman. She was. She's still alive, you bastard. Oh, wow. Okay. Alright, what'd you say her name was? Helen? Yeah, Helen. Helen writes,

My roommate and I have been living together for eight months. When we moved in, she brought a couple flashlights with her. She put one of them in the bathroom counter on move-in day. I didn't think of anything of it. On the bathroom counter. Yes, on the bathroom counter. I didn't think anything of it, just thinking she liked to be prepared for everything. Well, we have a very small bathroom, so I put it in the cabinet out of the way a couple days later. The next morning, I went, it was back on the counter. Again, I put it back in the cabinet,

and two days later, it was back on the counter. This has continued for the past eight months. I gave up putting it in the cabinet, but it moves around every day as if it's being used. It's a weird and unimportant thing, but I'm just so curious about what she's doing with it there on a daily basis. I told my friend about it, and she thought maybe she was using it as a dildo, but honestly, there's too many protruding knobs and such on it

for me to think that's possible. Dear God. My question is, should I ask my roommate what's going on here, or do I run the risk of embarrassing her that it is a sexual thing? Do you guys have any idea what she could be using it for, besides maybe just some additional focused lighting? Thanks. Love, Helen. All right.

Theories. Oh, man. I don't know. Can we just call her Nana, by the way? I didn't realize this would be about dildos at all. Why not? I mean, if she just got it out on the counter, that... It can't be that private.

It can't be that private. And if it's something she wants to lie about, she'll have a lie prepared because she'll know it's been discovered. Yeah, having it be on the counter almost eliminates dildo, of course. You don't just leave your dildo out on the counter. Unless it looks like a flashlight and everyone else is none the wiser. Hide it in plain sight. Here's my theory. She gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but she doesn't want to turn on the

light because it wakes her up too much, so she just has the flashlight to get her buried. That's insane. That is the right answer. Have you heard of a cell phone before and the light from the... I don't know what her cell phone charging situation is, or maybe this is something she started doing when she was younger and it's

just a practice. Hold on a second. You don't know what her cell phone charging situation maybe she charged it i used to charge my cell phone in our home office and it wasn't by my nightstand so like if i if i were very adult but also i think if i was using my cell phone flashlight i would see like my alerts in the middle in the middle of the night and then i would be compelled to check my phone and then i would wake up you i'm very sensitive to light yeah i don't want a lot of light coming in in the middle of the night. But this doesn't, it doesn't seem like she's in her bedroom. It seems like just like a common room, right?

No, she said it was on the bathroom counter. Okay. But also, but I mean, the bathroom counter, that's not attached to her room or anything, right? Right. I think she gets into the bathroom. I think she can navigate her way to the bathroom, but then she needs a little bit of a light assist to find the toilet slash...

Takes a little twilight tinkle, eh? Yeah. Just a theory. I think you're right, and I think the way you solve it is you put the flashlight away, you get a nightlight.

Yes. That's a nice low nightlight for the bathroom. And that's on all the time, though, right? You can do a motion sensor one. That's really nice. Can I just say something here? No, no, we're done.

We came up with the right answer. Nana, here's what you got to do. Fucking address this with your roommate. Just talk about it. Ask her, just say, why is the flashlight? It's so, these weird roommate things can become such like weird, shitty, heavy things if you just don't talk. And who cares?

It's just a flashlight. I mean. It does only feel weird because of how much you're thinking about it. Right. Like that's what happens. When you go in your own head on shit and then it's like, oh, it's going to be weird to bring it up. She'll know how much I've been thinking about it. But you don't have to bring it up like that yeah you don't have to like sit her down and be like we have to talk about the

flashlight yeah you could just be like do you use the flashlight for like when you go to the bathroom to like not wake me up i mean there's many ways what the fuck no i jam it up my sniz my dildo and actually how dare you bring it up If we use a nightlight, I'll be using that as a little dildo, too. Everything in this house is my dildo. Grinding my crotch against the wall. Snail trail everywhere. I can turn anything into a dildo. Hell, I'll turn you into a dildo, Nana.

Door's locked. Get away from me snail snail trail snail trail really that got me we had a we had a whole question about a snail trail once and i already forget what the purpose of it was yeah me too but this guy thought that oh it was just like the apartment smelled bad and he thought his mother-in-law was like rubbing her vagina on the walls oh god snail trail is like such a vile yeah sounds just terrible it really does uh all right that's those are those are two very uh perfect answers it's either one she's using the flashlight as a light or two why don't you just ask her what she's fucking using the flashlight for?

Yeah. And also say, I'll second Mitch's answer because that's really the answer. Like, you can speculate all you want, but you need to know. So just ask her and it's not going to be that embarrassing or she'll just lie about it if it is. Well, let's get to the root of the show is if I were you, what would you do if you were in this situation? Would you just ask her? Yeah, I would ask. I would ask, yeah.

I'd ask. Yeah. I'd also ask. It's not a big deal at all. And ask and let us know. This deserves a follow-up, Pup, for sure. Yeah, we deserve to know. Maybe I just would buy the nightlight first.

And then if it continued to happen, I'd ask. I think that's, yeah, that's true. But I feel like I would be nervous that I tried to. Yeah, try it, yeah. I wouldn't want to tip my hand that I thought about it without talking to her it can be super casual like hey sorry what is that flashlight in the bathroom all about

I'm so curious I'd see right through that that's how you ask me Mitch so why were you 15 minutes it's the same sort of thing I shove it up my cross that's probably what you wanted to know that's probably what you're thinking

because you expect the worst from me i want to move out uh awesome that's it we did it we answered some questions we had some fun uh do you guys have anything to promote talk about anything that you want our fans to know about yourself or your show? Check out Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants, with me and Mitch. New episodes every Thursday right here on the HeadGum Network. Nice. Very good. I also do want to promote the show Little Big Awesome.

It's an animated show on Amazon, and I do a little voice in it. A little voice? Yeah, an earnest plug i have right now uh yeah listen uh watch it on amazon an honest to goodness plug it's about time yeah uh awesome guys check out doughboys too of course yeah obviously yeah um favorite episode of doughboys i was gonna recommend specifically the nugget power hour oh yeah if you love uh gabrus nicole byer, and these two just eating one nugget a minute for an hour. Oh, my God. Who do you think makes it all the way?

Spoiler alert, it's obviously Gabrus. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. I mean, they're two of the funniest people, and that one was a lot of fun. A little different than our normal format, but absolutely. When did you tap out on the nugget power? Very early on. I have a small appetite. Was it like 12, or was it like?

No, I got to like 20-something. But me and Nicole were out about the same time. I've said before, I'm the guy who makes the buffet profitable, because I get full very quickly. So I tap out at one plate. We're giving a breakdown, but that doesn't matter. You're listening to it for the – yeah, Gabrus won. Yeah. Gabrus ate more than you're supposed – he ate 62 nuggets.

Oh, my God. We were supposed to eat 60 nuggets. He went Roger Maris on that ass. No performance enhancing drugs either. Straight natural, homie. Actually, he did. He did use performance enhancing. He got high.

Oh, that is performance enhancing. Did he use sauce? Oh, yeah. He used sauce, yeah. I gave him like a honey from the kitchen. He used honey. Oh, that's nice. It was basically sliding down his throat.

That would up my nugget intake to about 30 or 40, I bet. And do you guys have like a favorite episode in case people want to try out something specific? Nick? I would say, I mean, I think you can hop on any of our recent episodes, right? Do we have a favorite? I'm just, I'm trying to think of one.

I don't know. I think if you see someone who you like on there, we got a lot of funny people coming on. Yeah, you know, we did an episode with Jason Matsoukas pretty recently. That was a lot of fun. I mean, yeah, to look for... I like the Wendy's episode because Wendy's is one of my favorite fast food spots or any of the

Taco Bell ones. Yeah. Yeah. I look for a chain you like or a guest you like. They're all the same. They're all like... They're all bad, but... But equally so. Yeah, but equally so. You can't go wrong. Or right, depending on how you look at things. Awesome. Thanks, guys, for coming on our show.

Thank you. Thanks for having us. The opening theme song was written by Claire. This closing one was written by Kyle Nethersole. And if you have your own theme songs or questions, send it all down to ifireyoushowatgmail.com. I should say we're going to Europe, too. Oh, that's right. I don't know how available the tickets are yet,

but we'll put something online on our website. Just get excited if you live in Dublin, Amsterdam, and London. That's right, and we're going to be in Nashville on April 22nd, ifirewshow.com, for all those details. And we'll see you back on our podcast in a week from right now. Boom. Later, everybody. Late in the evening, pit in my stomach, advice I wish I had gotten from Jake and Amir.

They'll answer your questions with little pretension. They don't know much. They do know other stuff if i were you i would send my questions to jake and amir if i were you show at gmail.com you might not like what you hear, but you hear what you like. Isn't that what's important? If I worry you, I like your advice. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.