Segments - 325: Jew Snacks and Life Hacks

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

In this episode we discuss ring foods, cities we've never been to, and how to meet your new best friend, in another rousing rendition of Twitter Lightning Round!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. You say you got a million problems and you don't know quite how to solve them. Just call on Jake and Amir. They'll tell you which way to go. It's advice for the world to hear.

On the If I Were You Show. How's that for short and sweet? It's a voice for the world to hear Only if I were your show How's that for short and sweet? Very soothing. I like that. Very sweet. That was Stephen McDonald from Massachusetts. Sorry, Matcha-sus-its. No, you were right the first time.

Massachusetts. Yes. You say Matcha-sus-its? Sorry, I see it now.-a-sus-its? Sorry. All right, I see it now. Match-a-sus-its. People can check out my original mucus. Oh, no, you forgot how to read. But you're not totally.

Pretty much anywhere by searching. Sorry. Chursing. No, you're saying the right word, and then you're correcting yourself and saying it's super wrong. For my old band, The OK Win. Oh, sorry. The Kauai...

No, well, this is a bad time to do the bit. Say the real name of the band. You asked. The OK Win is the name of the band. And, whoa. Or you can go to my website, steven.news. That's pretty cool. Whoa.

Nice. A.news extension..news. That's pretty cool. Whoa. Nice. A.news extension. .news. That's what you should get. Would you rather have jakeherwitz.com back or jake.news? jakeherwitz.com back. Of course. Jake.news seems like you put a typo in a sentence or something.

But I kind of like.news. I do too. I don't hate it..news domain search. Let's see if we can find a good .news. Fake.news? Whoa, that's definitely taken. Right? Be crazy if it wasn't.

Wait a minute. Oh, it says it's available, but it costs $10,000. That's a fine deal. Yeah, that's not bad. What's another? Let's see a mere.news if that's available but it costs ten thousand dollars that's a fine deal yeah that's not bad what's another let's see amir.news that's available amir.news for all the news on oh yeah it's taken of course of course basketball.news this is great radio It's taken. What are we doing? We're searching for.news. I've lost you.

No, I'm not. You are. You're supposed to be hosting a podcast. Jews.news is taken. Is taken, yeah. A lot of them are taken. So at least say things that are available. And don't say the first half.

If you're going to go on this strange tangent, don't say it so excitedly. Whoa, photography.news is taken. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you saying it so happily? I'm just saying it's... Photography.news isn't even that good of a website. Of course.

Of course it's not. Anyway, this is a Fiery Show, the only podcast on the web. Where we look for.news web extension. That's exclusively dedicated to.news. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And it's actually an advice show. We comb the internet looking for people who are in need of our help.

Most of the times they just email us, so it's not that big of a deal. If I Were You Show at gmail.com. Today is a special. It's a Twitter lightning round episode. Ooh, yeah. Which means I tweet anybody got a quick question for us and people have to hit us with their best thoughts.

Hit us with their best thoughts. Fire away. This is good. I wanted to get to these questions before you went to New Orleans this weekend and maybe died. Yeah, that's always a possibility when I go on vacay. A bachelor party to New Orleans this weekend and maybe died. Yeah, that's always a possibility when I go on vacay. A bachelor party to New Orleans with-

Mama Bear, Mike Carnell. Are the Rosenberg twins going? They are. Both? Yes. O-M-G. That seems like a dangerous recipe for disaster. Yeah.

I mean, Mike and the Rosenbergs, and we're not even talking about frigging Hank. Oh, Hank the Tank. Hank's going, dude. You know he'll be there. You know it. Are you probably going to do like Take It Easy, like a food and wine tour of New Orleans? I might do like a beignet and an espresso Thursday night.

Call it a night early just so that you can hit up the museums on Friday morning. Because on Friday, yeah. World War II Museum and then French Quarter Architecture Tour. And you have to do that before it gets too late. Otherwise, you run into a lot of riffraff. Yeah, because as the sun sets in New Orleans, you don't want to be out and about on the streets. I try to get in before the evening.

Yeah. And then that's my time to unwind. And I haven't read any of my periodicals because I'd been touring the city. So in the evening, I'll just read magazines and newspapers. And you have just a hotel room or a motel room where you're sort of separated. So at night, you can sort of individually wind out. You don't have to like spend your time unwinding with other people. I'd really hate to have an unhealthy time in Nola. And then are you coming back on Saturday? Are you going to go through the weekend there?

No, I'm going to stick it out through the weekend. I'm just going to kind of take it easy because on Saturday I'm going to do a drug-infested rape. I'm going to shove molly and cocaine up my ass and around the corner. I'm going to stick a baton rouge up my rouge. No, I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be fun. I can't wait to hear the stories that come out of there.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you'll see me on Sunday. If I survive, we have a show in Nashville on Sunday. Oh, shit. That's right. This episode comes out the day after that, so no need to reference it. Of course.

It was an amazing show. Oh, yeah. You're going to go from a bachelor party to a live show. Yeah. You're going to be a shell of a man. It's really true. I got it. And Jesus Christ, I'm going to have to take it easy on Saturday, which doesn't sound like me or anyone really in New Orleans. Yeah. Would you say bachelor parties are more fun than the weddings? Definitely a different kind of fun. I don't think, I think the weddings are fun in part because

you're surrounded by friends and family right so it's a little bit more of a wholesome fun love fest yeah i bet it's more fulfilling yeah your hearts are more full but you're not necessarily going ham raucous debauchery of the bachelor party yeah it. I don't know. I guess I have to go to both and we'll see. Is anything planned for this bachelor party as far as you know? I think we're going to a basketball game. That seems fine. That's kind of all I know. All right.

Let's get to these questions. Do you have any ones to start us off? Oh, yeah. I did have a question that I actually liked. Yeah. It was... Hold for it. It's okay.

Hold for it. I'll look up some more dot news while you look. Hold for it. Keep on holding. Oh, all right. Yeah. Shady dot news. No way.

It's freaking taken. It's absolutely taken. This one comes from Patrick Keppel. Pappy Kep. What is he, Yiddish? He asks, what is the best ring food? Donuts, onion rings, et cetera. Oh, a food that's a circle with a hole in the middle.

Yeah. So what are our options here? We got donuts, we got bagels, we got onion rings. Onion rings. I mean, he basically took two. Funyuns is sort of onion rings he took two of the three that i would have known in the question is there any other option there ring pops is that a ring food the food itself is not a ring it just it's placed on a ring yeah

you better believe that's a ring food it's literally a ring everything else just represents a ring what about a single onion? You know how you can make them in ring form? Yeah. Like a circle. Right. A circle part of an onion. That's true.

I guess a bagel is probably the right answer, though. Bagel's your favorite ring food? I think so. Well, I mean, is it a bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel? No, it's a bacon, egg, and cheese on an onion. Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese on an onion. Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese on an onion? And do you have diet, diet Snapple? That's when I can eat the glass and it's calorie free. And it doesn't come with a frigging fact on the top.

Because I know for a fact that I can't eat the glass. I learned that the easy way. Somebody told me and I never tried it. I'll go donut. You'll go bagel? Yeah. That actually brings us to this next question. What is your favorite Jewish snack?

You can almost say bagel again. I don't even know. Oh, schnitzel. Schnitzel is pretty Jewish. Hummus? Yeah, hummus is Jewish for sure. Matzah ball soup is my favorite food. That's not really a snack.

It's a full meal. There's beastly, which is a snack from Israel. That could be a Jewish snack. Oh, latkes. Yeah, oh, latkes are good too. That's my shit. Latkes are my shit. That came from LboyLoganFarrell85.

Do you have another one? What's the best tie shirt color combo to wear to a wedding? Tie shirt color combo. Yeah. I guess white shirt is the safest bet. And then you can futz with the suit color and the tie. Do you go matchy-matchy, like blue and blue? I never.

I guess there's one time I can remember that I wore a blue shirt with a gray, like a darker gray suit. But I'm a big fan of just a white shirt. A nice crisp white. Yeah. And then have fun with the tie and the suit color. If it's a summer wedding, you can go like bright blue suit. It's kind of fun. And you can even go shirt no tie if it's a hot wedding.

That's true. Draymond Green once wore a short-sleeved jacket and shorts in his suit. How's that for a summer wedding look? Yeah, that sounds awful. Okay, for sure. I have to make a return with regards to your wedding. Oh, yeah, you have to wear

the same shit as me. I don't have to. You can just pull out the ass. You're not a groomsman anymore. Because I'm actively sabotaging it? Yes, exactly. What the hell is that? Exactly.

Actually, you can hear all about it on groomsman.news, which is available. Of course that one's available. Right. Obviously. Of course. What else you got? How do you make friends in a new city? I recently moved after in a new city?

I recently moved after getting a new job Asks Teague Hipkiss Oh, that is a tough one I don't know I never moved to a completely new city without a job Oh wait, he has a job Yeah, he has a job So you'll make friends at work I also pick up a hobby

For instance I made two friends When I didn't have that many friends in LA at the rock climbing gym. Shout out to Stacey and Katie. Oh, that's good. But then you have to actually like shit. I don't have time to do that. Right.

Well, I guess if you're not a negative little troll boy. I'm a nasty little boy. You have a crabby attitude. And an ass to boot. Crabby dot news. Yeah, you got a bad attitude, but a fat ass. And that's why you're my friend. I have a bad fat attitude.

Honestly, if you didn't have such a plump, juicy ass, I don't think we'd hang out. I don't think we would be friends. Which is a way to make friends. Are there any dating apps for friends? Like Tinder, but for friends? I've heard of girls doing that, like matching with other girls. Yeah, I think all those dating apps have like a looking for friends. I think they're, I've heard of girls doing that, like matching with other girls. Yeah, I think, I think all those dating apps

have like a looking for friends setting. Yeah, but that's just, that just seems fake, doesn't it? It does, but you know, a couple of years ago

it seemed fake to meet your girlfriend or boyfriend on Tinder. So maybe it's more status quo now. It's a very funny story to say you met your best friend on Tinder. Well, that's what you could say if like you met your wife there. I met my best friend and my wife. best friend on Tinder. Well, that's what you could say if you met your wife there.

I met my best friend and my wife. Right. On Tinder. I guess that's true. Juliana Bibaut says, does Micah need a date to the wedding? Ooh. No, he doesn't.

Okay, let's see here. Micah's spoken for. Roel Pronk writes, what will happen when there are only seven of us at the Amsterdam show? That's actually a great segue into saying that we are doing our first show ever in Amsterdam. Yeah, we're trying to sell out the Zoll.

Oh, the Zoll. We don't really know what Zoll means, but it's a section on the seating chart. It's Zoll good for sure. Nice. We're going to Amsterdam, London, and Dublin on June 4th, 6th, and 10th in some sort of order. I'm going to put all the information on ifrreviewshow.com. As of now, Dublin tickets are available.

Amsterdam tickets are available. We're working on getting London tickets available. So hopefully they're all available come Monday when this episode comes out. Truth. Monday, April 23rd when this episode comes out. Truth. Monday, April 23rd, when this episode comes out. We're recording this on a Wednesday, so I don't think it's, like, super outdated. Do you have a good question?

This girl, Ellie Rose, says, is it weird to go on holiday with my boyfriend and his best friend to a Greek island, if that helps? P.S., is it weird to move in with my boyfriend and his best friend? Interesting. So let's put this in our terms. A lady, my lady or yours,

asks us if she can go on vacation with me and you. Or, yeah, I guess it's weirder that me and you want to go on a vacation. Although sometimes we'll do a trip, a work trip, and a significant other will attend. Like Streeter's wife came to Australia and that was fun. Yeah. I think the vacation's not weird at all. That'll just be a fun time. But do you want to move in? You once lived with Streeter and his girlfriend. Yeah. Was that fine to have? I mean, I guess at that point, I don't think I cared that much. I was younger. I don't think it's something I would do now.

Yeah. It seems like it would be the hardest on the person who had a best friend and a girlfriend, and he's just trying to juggle that 24-7. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think you want to move in with a boyfriend and his best friend. That seems weird. But vacation? Yeah.

Especially the Greek islands. Unless you? Yeah. Especially the Greek islands. Unless you're moving in on the Greek islands. That's even better. In which case, yeah. Do you get a good one? If you could fly, but it took the same amount of energy as running, how often would you do it? Probably.

I like that question. Because you always think about like, oh, I wish I could fly. And it's just effortless. But you imagine just like, yeah, just like flying with your mind floating really but like walking takes effort running takes effort yeah so imagine if you could fly but it was really hard yeah what just as hard as like i guess it would be even harder than running because you're sustaining yourself you imagine flapping i don't think i would imagine like flapping or moving but you imagine soaring i think it's yeah but it's more i guess like a concentration like

flexing or something that's that's what it would take oh i see so you're just sort of like working out and flying it almost be like holding a plank so that's a hard like you could do it for like a minute two if you're really in good shape right and it will if you do it all the time you could hold a plank for like a couple minutes. Yeah. And that's, I guess if you could fly, it would be so fun. Planks aren't fun. That's why people don't do it very often.

I love planking. Really? Yeah. So why don't you plank for the rest of the show? Fine. And then I'll post the video to plank.news. And it is available. Right.

And why wouldn't it be? It doesn't make any sense. Of course. Plank.ninja is available. Is it? Probably. There's a.ninja extension? I think there is.

God, I yearn for a simpler time. Give me a.com and a.net. At worst, a.org, but that's it. .gov maybe, and hell,.news dot news why not so you don't yearn for a simpler time uh oh here's a good one from jeffrey james he asks um i went in to get tested for for stis the doc took one look at me burst out laughing and she And she said, didn't need to draw any blood to know I was a virgin loser. How can I prove to my jerk urologist that I get girls? Says Jeffrey James. How can he prove to his urologist that he gets girls?

Because she laughed at him. You have to go back. You have to find a way to get an STD, whether or not it's from a woman or if it's just you rubbing your penis near a dumpster or something. Yeah, because they're probably swimming with disease. Yeah, so get yourself genital herpes. And then next time you go in, she laughs. She's like, I told you you didn't have an STD. Whip out your dick and it's covered with warts. And you say, jokes on you.

And she's like, I have surveillance cam footage of you taking off your pants and underwear and sort of nudging around on this dirty bench. Really? Yes. And then she says, by the way, we have to amputate your penis. Well, at least you know I'm not a virgin loser. Of course you are. And now you'll die that way.

Oh, no. All right. Here's another. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, you go. A travel question. Okay. Ty says, I know you've traveled a lot together, but where is somewhere you'd like to go together

that you haven't gone? Also, somewhere you'd like to travel with your significant others. Thanks, dudes. And keep on with the great podcast. Day one, off myself in a Starbucks. Nice. So where haven't we been together that we could go together? Oh, you know, I always regretted that I didn't get to go to Barcelona

With you Yeah that was a fun trip Okay we can go to Barcelona And then where would you want to go with your lover No it has to be somewhere that neither of us have ever been Yeah cause then it's like you're comparing it to your last relationship And it's like oh did you and Jesse already eat here So what the fuck am I doing here

Having Iberian ham with you Exactly Oh I need to bring that up yeah we had did you share tapas you and jesse that's correct you son of a bitch tapas is our thing curse you and your fat little ass uh i'm trying to think in america where haven't we been together as comedy partners for life? Chicago, we've been. Miami, of course. LA, San Francisco.

Portland, Seattle, yes. Austin, New Orleans. Yeah, we're going. Vegas is a good one, also off the list. What are we left with? We got secondary cities. We got Denver gone. Honolulu, peace out.

Been to Boston, been to New Haven, been to new haven been to raleigh oh yeah atlanta's a good one we have yeah we've already been there houston even we've been everywhere man we've been everywhere yellowstone we took that group that was really nice yeah minneapolis chicago wisconsin yosemite i always wanted to go to yosemite with you. Oh, but you've been before, haven't you? Yes. Jesse had Iberian ham at the top of Half Dome. We called it Ham Dome.

And oh, we laughed and kissed with each other. Yes, with tongue, with each other. We shared tapas of a cliff bar in the valley. As we dangled off the sheer edge on one of those tents that hangs from the rock. That's right, a portal edge, brother. God, where the fuck haven't we been together? Toronto and Calgary now, Winnipeg, Vancouver, all gone off the list. What about ski towns? We haven't skied together. We've never been to Tahoe together.

Okay. And I like Tahoe a lot. You've been to Tahoe. I've been to Tahoe. Yeah. Is there a city there? I've never been to Alaska and I've never been to North Dakota. Those are the last two American states that I've never been to.

Okay. So North Dakota, you and I have never been to Bismarck. That's correct. And I think we should do a show in Bismarck, of course. Alaska, I went on a family cruise there when I was 15. So I've seen some Alaskan stuff. So have you been to every state then? I don't know.

Because I don't think I've been to Arkansas. Oh, yeah. Oh, what if we go to Little Rock together? I've been to Little Rock. Fuck. It wouldn't be new. What about Alabama? We go to Alabama together.

We watch an SEC football game. Haven't we been to Alabama together? We drove through and saw Tuscaloosa for a little bit. Yeah, that's right. But I want to spend a fucking month and a half with you in Montgomery. Okay. Just a historical fucking tour. Just you and I?

Down and dirty. Me, you, Jesse and a fucking leg of ham. Going ham. And where do you want to go with your SO? Tokyo. Nice. Ass. I deserve to be in Japan.

Turning Japanese. Yes, I am turning Japanese. No, no. Next question. There was one other question about traveling that it got me thinking about. I'm trying to find it. Oh, yeah. Why hasn't Jeffrey brought you to Cleveland? That's a city we've never been to together.

Oh, he invited us. That's true. There you go. Oh, actually, we have been to Cleveland together. We have? Yeah. We went for... I thought we went to Cincinnati.

Oh, maybe it was Cincinnati for the Mountain Dew thing. So there we go. Biggest city we've never been, Cleveland. Cleveland. Oh, also Pittsburgh. That's true, too. I want to do the Rust Belt tour. Forget everything I said about Alabama. Cleveland. Cleveland. Oh, also Pittsburgh. That's true, too. I want to do the Rust Belt Tour. Forget everything I said about Alabama.

That place sucks. Pittsburgh and Cleveland would be fun back-to-back shows at the end of the summer or something. That's nice. The AFC North Tour. Just some real blue-collar football happening. Oh, yeah. Me, you, and fucking Trent Dilfer

going ham on an Iberian ham. Going ham on Jesse's leg. That's right. We are cannibalizing his ass. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll come back with some more quick hitting QQs after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content,

product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back yeah you had a request that was kind of like unsolicited advice which is unsolicited request Unsolicited begging for favor. Our podcast is nearly five years old. Yes. And you think it's time to re-up our most sacrosanct tradition, an unmovable object so far, which is our podcast art. Yeah.

People know us from this art. It pops, and it's green, and it's peach. And you're over it. I'm not over it. Yeah, I guess I am over it. It was made for us by your brother. Yep. Who did an amazing job.

Yep. And I feel like the time has has come for us to move on to the next phase of our podcast branding. Yeah, it's a big deal because we've had it's it's a it's an iconic look that hasn't changed for five years. Unfortunately, we have. I have a beard now. My glasses are different. You have seemingly red hair in this photo. Yeah, which is sort of like a cool artistic liberty that your brother took.

Yeah. But also, what we've learned about podcast art is that the title is supposed to be a little bit more readable. Yeah, bigger and more prominent. Yeah. So you think it's time to change it up. So what's your request here? What are we asking for? I guess I personally like the idea of using photos of us. So that way, if like, a lot of time, our podcast art ends up on like a website or a poster. And people who don't know our podcast would look at the art and be like, Oh, I don't care about that show. Yeah. But if they saw our faces, maybe they would say,

oh, I don't know that podcast, but those are the guys from those shitty YouTube videos that I used to like and I will go to the show. Okay. So what's the deal here? You want new podcast art. Do we have any dimensions? Do you have any high-res photos to provide? Or is it just like- Of course I don't. Find it yourself. And if it's good, we'll give you the high-res photos to provide? Or is it just like... Of course I don't. Find it yourself. And if it's good, we'll give you the high-res image of it. Oh, yeah, that could work. Because it has to be a square. You know this stuff. Yeah, so it has to be a square.

That's the big, huge, first and foremost, the Apple Podcast Store requires that it be a square, minimum resolution of 1400 by 1400. So these are huge images that are shrunken down. So if you can follow those two things, do you want to give any more direction or dealer's choice? I mean, remember we used to get like thumbnails for the episodes and we got such good images from that, such good art.

I don't want to give anybody too much right so just surprise us impress us and if you need something if you need like a photo that's higher resolution just ask us and we could probably provide it um but i i guess at the very least i'm interested in photos and cool text over total illustration. Unless the illustration is very, very... Unless it looks a lot like us. And again, it has to be viewable on such a small, small scaled-down version

that usually the text has to be a little more large and readable. Right, literally the size of your thumb. But we'll give you plenty of credit and promote your art and stuff. There we go. So that's our unsolicited... And fuck it, I'll give you cash. What? I'll give you plenty of credit and promote your art and stuff there we go so that's our unsolicited i'll give you cash what i'll give you a thousand dollars in cash me you for helping me shout it out uh so send any attempts at that let's give people a week or two and see what we got um if i were you show at gmail.com calling all artists uh we should also shout out luke speaking of artists

and photographers oh yeah luke damamio who uh photographed our austin south by southwest shows did such a great job we want to give him a shout out you can see his photos of us other head gum podcasters and other uh awesome photos that he's taken on Instagram. His name is at LukeAD. Stands for Luke Anthony D'Amamio. He's a director, videographer, and photographer in Dallas, if anyone's looking for any of those. And he's also the man. And he's also the man.

He was very friendly and made some awesome, awesome photography for us. And then shout out to his friend who assisted me that weekend, Sam, and his friend Simi, who's a big fan of the podcast. Hell yeah, Simi. Thanks, Sam. Thanks, Simi. Thanks, Luke. That's at LukeAD on Instagram for taking those photos.

There's an awesome one of Twinnovation, the arm wrestling, that looks like we should almost hire, commission an artist to turn it into a canvas, oil on canvas. It looks like a Renaissance battle scene. There's just so much happening. Maybe Nick Rad could do it. He's much happening. Maybe Nick Rad could do it. He's an artist. Maybe Nick Rad could do all of our art. No, we have to open it up. We have to let the fans do it.

We've gotten this far off the hard, hard work of our fans. And honestly, they owe us. They owe us more. We deserve so much more for that. That's right. So thanks to you guys for any submissions that are coming in. What else we got? I got a great question from this guy, Cores Light, Corey Stevens, 91.

He said, I told my girlfriend that I like telephone seats today. She didn't write it off, but she definitely wasn't enthused. Does she not understand function as a form of fashion, stylish and practical? And then he sent me this photo of a telephone seat. The reason this stuck out to me is because I walked into a Housing Works thrift shop last time I was in New York and I saw one of these and they are beautiful. I think they're great pieces for the entryway of your house because they've got, obviously nobody really has like a telephone to leave on the telephone seat right now. Right.

But it's sort of like, it's half love seat and half, it's like a love seat, except if the other half of the love seat was an end table drawers. Yeah. So I've never heard of a telephone seat, but now that I see it, it looks kind of cool. And then what did he say? He said he wanted one and his girlfriend said no? She didn't say no. He just said she wasn't like super impressed by it. That's fine. But it's, I mean, I totally get, I actually showed the telephone seat to Jill, but Jill also loved it.

But I can imagine how you would feel if they didn't. Yeah. Anyway, these are great. Put it by the entryway of your house. That way you have somewhere to put your shoes on before you leave for work. And also you put them on a chair? I put my... No, you put them underneath there or you put them in a closet nearby.

I put my shoes in the closet near the hall. And then in the morning before I leave. Oh, you can sit on the chair and put them on. Right now we have a poof next to the entryway and I sit down on the poof. I'm a stand and slide. I want it to be bad for my back and bad for my shoes. I can't even imagine. And I'm hopping on one foot because it's a tight, tight fit.

And I'm borderline twisting my ankle and I'm borderline hurting my knees. You came in today on crutches. Of course. With your feet on your, your shoes on your toes. And a sock on my nose. That's the nursery rhyme I'm writing. Recent, sorry, Kian Nizad writes, I'm a recent 20 year old girlold girl. Sorry. I'm a recently 20-year-old girl from Australia, and my 14-year-old sister is going through prime puberty right now. There's no way nice to say it. She's a little shit. She's hypocritical, dismissive, and extremely selfish. I was a teenager too, but I was never this bad.

What should I do? You were an older sibling. Did you ever experience terrible teen tendencies from your tween siblings no i think i mean the triplets were saints when we were growing up i was a piece of shit oh you were the terrible tween i was the p yeah i was sort of an asshole what's the nastiest thing you did to your um siblings older or younger? Did you torment? I mean, I used to get like in physical fights with my older sister. Physical?

Yeah. We would like, she threw a remote control in my face one time. We would get into like physical fights a little bit. And then maybe like one of the worst things I ever did was like when i was 16 or 17 um my sis my whole family was going to like my uncle's birthday party and i was staying home uh and it was going to be overnight they were going to pennsylvania and i was going to have a huge party and there was like the girl that I had a crush on at school, like never ever texted me before. Or no, it was on IM. She never ever IM'd me.

But she like IM'd me and asked about the party. And she was going to come. So I was so excited. She signed on to your buddy list and sent you an IM? Yeah. The door opened. Yeah. You saw her.

No away message. A message from Nicole. Come on. What was her name? I don't remember. She was that hot. XO Miss from Nicole. Come on. What was her name? I don't remember. She was that hot. XO Missy Nicole OS or something. I love that.

And then the next day when this party was supposed to go down, my sister got so sick that she had to – like her fever was so high we were talking about taking her to the hospital but i was such a little shit that i was like i was mad at my parents that they were gonna stay home and take care of my sister rather than go to the yeah my uncle's party and i was life wasn't fair to you i was mad at my sister i was like are you feeling better and then my mom was like got mad and they like found out i was gonna have this party and i like threw a chair my mom got mad and found out I was going to have this party and I threw a chair against the wall. Yeah, you found out I was throwing a party? Well, now I'm throwing a chair.

I hate you! Go to Philadelphia! Like, my sister maybe has to go to the ER and then their 16-year-old son is just throwing a fucking chair at the door. Now we know where we get our inspiration from and we write that person every day truly just the person who's yeah my my life revolves around me everyone's so against me and even when something bad is happening to you it's worse that it's happening to me that it's happening to you because i can't do the thing that i'm not

supposed to do if you're here to see that I can't do it. Don't you get that? Did that ever happen to any of your siblings? No, we were friendly and lame. We never really fought that much. We were also four years apart. But it's kind of fun to have like an older sister because at first she's the stronger one. And slowly and slowly the younger brother becomes stronger and stronger.

And then at a certain point it's really fucked up that you're hitting her. Yeah, well, fortunately Hannah's still stronger're hitting her. Yeah, well, fortunately, Hannah's still stronger than I am. Yeah, I saw her. She sat on your back earlier today. You put me in a figure four leg lock and made me squeal like a little piggy. Brittany, sorry, Britt Re-Dinger writes,

how can I be a guest on your podcast without being funny or famous? I was going to say- Shit, let's or famous? I was going to say. Let's call her. I was going to say you could just be Dave Rosenberg. Oh, that's fucked up. Savage. Yes.

That is absolutely savage. Epic. Absolute epic. I'm looking for this question and I can't find it, but it was about having you on the D&D podcast. Oh, yeah, I saw that. And that's one that we get at live shows, too. Yeah.

Well, the reason I haven't done it yet, it's JamesTarantino13. Would you ever be a guest on not another D&D podcast? You have a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Yeah. A very popular one it's only growing rabid fan base when we hit the road

people are clamoring for some Hardwon voices that's right Hardwon Surefoot my human fighter raised by dwarfs in the dwarfenage I think

I will say that I love I mean I love playing D&D so much and people have been tweeting at me and telling me that they didn't play D&D and they started listening and it inspired them to want to play. So if anybody's thinking about it. And we have an active Reddit where people are meeting up and starting campaigns together. Wow. Are looking for friends to play with.

That's beautiful. It really is. Meanwhile, our fans are just fucking screwing each other up, really fucked up tweenagers who can't get enough nastiness and negativity in their lives. That's right. I mean, fuck these guys.

It stems from you, man. You just said fuck these guys. Where do they get it from? But I don't think you would be on, I couldn't imagine you coming on the show and taking it seriously. Yeah, I have a hard time imagining that too. Maybe if you just give me a small character where I can't fuck it up as much as I want to. But you would still make fun of us.

Like, we're just four adults in a room pretending that we're barbarians and elves and wizards. Yeah, and then they're like, oh, and here comes the bagelsmith, and I have to do a voice too and pretend and play make-believe with you guys. Yeah. I mean, it's, they're, I didn't start going in, like, doing a crazy voice. I don't know if I have that in me. My character's voice is just, like, deeper than mine. Yeah.

So you could do something like, and it's not like a far leap for you to come in and do a Jewish bard or something. Can I be a Jewish frog? Yeah, you could. Like, oh, help me. I am a frog. Never mind. You're not gonna be on the podcast.

Naturally. But we do want you to start your own podcast yeah and that's what we're still thinking about so if you have any suggestions as to what my version

of a D&D podcast would be any ideas what's something that would be listenable that's sort of like our podcast

but something I could do with somebody else what do you want to hear Amir do that's the question and who do you want to hear me do it with so do you have a dream guest

for not another D&D podcast if it's not me who can it be who would really kick ass in that setting I think Thomas Middleditch because he takes even our podcast like very earnest and wants to give advice

and he also loves D&D and role playing games he has an encyclopedic knowledge of like fantasy worlds yeah from like reading and like experiencing both like real medieval history and fantasy history right so i guess i would be like i would that would be my dream guest but i'd also be intimidated like if he came in and i just like start doing my hard one surefoot voice yeah and he's like what are you doing man like he's like, this is how you do it. He just does an amazing

French woman accent or something. I don't know. He's so inventive. Everybody boos you out of the room. What episode, writes Kyle Moore,

of Jake and Amir was longest and hardest to shoot? Ooh. Longest and hardest. Longest and hardest. Most of the sit-down ones took like 30 to 60 minutes.

Yeah, they're pretty easy. Do you remember anything that took longer than that? I know like we did two that I can think of right now are the one where you kick my tongue off. Yeah, tongue was guest directed and we had multiple locations and like. Just all through the office. And I remember like being covered with blood. Blood. Yeah. Like, and going home and trying to, and like it stained your skin.

Yeah. And it's so sticky. Yeah. And it was all over my hair and my face. And I like, it took me, I had to take three different showers to get it all off. Yeah. So that was kind of long and hard. I got a good one too.

What do you got? The last Ben Schwartz episode. I think it's like finale part four or something. Oh yeah. all off so that was kind of long and hard i got a good one too what do you got uh the last ben schwartz episode i think it's like finale part four or something yeah it wasn't long or hard for us but ben had to act as eight or twelve different characters every character he'd ever played on jake and amir constantly running upstairs to change costumes and like put on a milkman outfit come down and do a line then go back up change get into like this hunter gatherer whatever the woodsman was it was also so specific um like we couldn't because he was all those characters in one frame at like the same time yeah like we had to keep the camera

perfectly still not let it move and then also make sure that Ben was sitting in a, in a way that like his, if his arm went out, it wouldn't like overlap the other guy's face. Cause we like had to do like one of those shots. We, I think we had like six different shots and Ben was in just six different, very, very compartmentalized locations on the, on the screen. Shout out to Phil Fox for editing that episode. Oh yeah. That was a

hard one what were you gonna say did you have another one um the the one where we shot in i think it's called in the club where we're like in the line for the club it was freezing it was just really cold and it was like starting to snow by the end of it yeah also the all of the the road trip episodes were pretty hard because it was like we would wake up, we'd be in the RV and we had to like drive from Tennessee to New Orleans, but also when we got to New Orleans, spend time shooting a video. Yeah. Quickly so that we can go out and enjoy New Orleans.

Go and party in New Orleans. Wake up hungover, having to drive through another two and a half states to get to our Yeah, quickly so that we can go out and enjoy New Orleans. And party in New Orleans. Wake up hungover, having to drive through another two and a half states to get to our next destination while we had to brave the snow. There was like some sort of countrywide snowstorm happening that day. Yeah. We were like getting snow in Texas. It was going from like Canada all the way down to Florida. Yeah, and it was just the four of us. So we, like we usually had like a lot of support, like DP's sound producers,

but on the road it was just me, you and John and Giancarlo. Right. That was a tough one. All right. We have time for a few more. What's the cheapest you've ever been? Cheapest I've ever been.

Have you ever like purchased a really roundabout flight to save like 50 bucks oh i guess i i i've bought suits at like top man and then just returned them after i wore them it's pretty good yeah that's like a 500. I think that, and that's something, I can't imagine you could do it more than once, but I have done it at Top Man, Zara, and ASOS.

I am blackballed from all those places. And rightfully so. Yeah, totally. I can't, what's coming to mind for me? I mean, you're cheap all the time.

Yeah, so like, what's the cheapest? I steal shoes from homeless people people but that's not really cheap that's brazen I don't recycle, not really cheap that's just sort of a nasty little thing that I do that's me being mean

oh you don't pack your own lunch for work but you throw out other people's lunches that's not cheap that's just kind of a troll asshole little thing it's a John Wolfie's not cheap. That's just kind of a troll, asshole little thing that I do. It's a John Wolfie thing to do for sure. Yeah. Do you have anything?

That you do that's cheap? Oh, no, new question. Oh, gotcha. Do you guys ever write things that you may not necessarily have the means to fulfill? Location, budget, time, or do you think it's smarter to focus on projects that are more immediately viable?

Ooh, that's good. budget time or do you think it's smarter to focus on projects that are more immediately viable oh that's good um yes lonely and horny season two is a good example we wrote some episodes that just like listen we can't get 50 people and a frat house and a helicopter yeah i think we definitely i feel like we tend to write things that we know are going to be made but we still also like write pitches for TV shows and movies. Right. I think there's something to be said for writing both. You want to be able to write something that you could give to somebody and they could conceivably say, oh, I can understand how this would be made and I can understand why you guys are the people to do it.

That's also why Jake and Amir was so simple at first. It's like, one, it's our expertise to have quick hitting dialogue, but two, it's really easy to shoot me sitting and not moving and you sitting

and not moving. Right. If we took those scripts to the people who were running College Humor at the time and if we took scripts

that were like, okay, and Amir fights a dinosaur and then Jake is an astronaut, people would be like, okay, we can't do that. Of course.

So we did, so that's why you made a ace and jocelyn astronaut accountants from outer space which was it looks bad on purpose because amir the character is shooting and editing it right exactly so find cheap ways to do it that's the cheap that's the good way to be cheap baby we got away with a lot of half-assed stuff because it's like well amir the character wouldn't know how to rap so this is a really quick rap, which I wrote in 30 seconds because that's what Amir the character thinks is funny. I love Amir the character exporting things with like, the song for Ace of Jocelyn ends with you yelling at your mom, but you exported it, uploaded it, felt like it was good enough.

Mom closed the doors, the original mom upcoming. That's right. That brings us to Christina Jonas who writes, do we have a date for LNH episodes yet? Lonely and Horny season two shot in the can. Edited. We edited a trailer. We're going to have to go door to door to show people because we still don't have a date, a release date yet.

Someday, somehow, you will see it. I can't fucking wait. But it's done. It's good. We like it. It's funny. And it's beautiful, Thanks to Bobby lamb. I'm trying to find one good last question.

Um, there were some good ones already. Um, since the election, have you had a close friend or someone you know relatively well change their stance on Trump? For example, they were a staunch supporter slash opposer

and have since changed their mind. Writes, V. DeU. Everybody I love and care about was smart enough to hate him from the beginning. And everybody that hated, loved him from the beginning really loves him now. So no, your optimistic question was actually flawed from the start. No one has changed their mind in any way since probably late 2015. If you loved him, you love him even more. And if you hated him, you hate him even more.

Our country is divided, people. Seuss5 writes, what hookah flavors will get me chicks? Mint, cherry, anything apple related, caramel and otherwise. Don't sleep on agave, motherfucker. All right, cool. Great episode. Solid work, everyone. Good questions.

It's hard to write unique questions nowadays, but there's some that we've never heard before. Thanks to you guys for listening again. We're coming to Dublin, Amsterdam, London on June 4th, 6th, 10th. Tickets available at ifireyshow.com. And don't forget to send us the podcast art. That's right, or questions or theme songs to ifireyshow at gmail.com.

The opening one was written by Steven. Remember Steven? Miss Steven. And this closing one, let me look it up. I believe it is Walter? Nice, Walt. And this closing one, let me look it up. I believe it is Walter. Nice, Walt. Double checking. Thanks, buddy.

Walter Nespresso. Why did I write that? Tell you what, I have to pee real bad, so I'm going to let you finish this episode, and I'll catch you on the flip. All right. Later, everybody. Yeah, Walter, who wants to shout out his Spotify,

Depresso Nostresso. Nice. Thanks, Walter. Thanks to Steven. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon enough. I'm going to release another Thomas Middleditch episode as a bonus Thursday one day soon. So stay tuned for that. Those shows were too good not to let out into the wild.

But as for us, we'll be back next Monday, guaranteed, for another episode of If I Were You. Ciao. If I Were You You write an email to ifiwishowshow at gmail.com. They'll tell you what to do. Because whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong.

Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you That was a HeadGum Podcast The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means You get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken Then get a small fry A small drink And a four-piece McNuggets That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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