Segments - 326: Strip Clubs (w/Thomas Middleditch live in Vancouver!)

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Comedian and Friend Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss STD's, DND, and Canadian Folk Hero Stan Rogers. Recorded Live at the Vogue Theater as part of Just For Laughs: Vancouver!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Guys, we are coming to Amsterdam We are coming to London We are coming to Dublin

That's right, three shows in Europe Tickets available at Ifirewshow.com June 4th, June 6th, June 10th Damn, that's three shows in three days Well, yes, three days Just not three days in a's three shows in three days. Well, yes, three days, just not three days in a row. It doesn't have to be.

Three shows in three days. All right. Don't make me feel like an ass. I'm not making you feel anything. We thought what better way to announce it than by posting, that's the word, posting another Thomas Middleditch live Vancouver show episode. Y'all are very welcome. A little bonus Thursday action. And if you want to see us in any of those cities,

especially Amsterdam, where we have no idea if we have fans, please come on down. Tickets once again at ifireashow.com or jakeandamir.com. All right, let's get started with this episode. I think we're going to start it as soon as Thomas enters the stage. Let's get right to it. Now we're're getting excited are you guys ready for Canada's own your your native son my favorite person in the world let alone Canadian in the world what do you guys know him from Silicon Valley Come on What else?

And Captain Underpants And maybe even our podcast Oh my god And our web show Put your hands together for Tom Fiddle Ditch Are you down with the sickness? Are you down with it? Everyone was asking me Begging me What song do you want to come out to today?

I said I want to I want the song to pump everybody up I want the song to get people out of their minds You're holding water If anyone's If anyone's sick Maybe in and out of the hospital, I'm down with it! You haven't blinked since you've come out here, man.

We can't sustain this. Such high energy. My God. Do you hear the applause, though, when we mentioned Nelson? Yeah. Your hometown. Is that many people really from there or just passed through there and smoked a bunch of pot? So you met Brody, you met Cryler.

Okay, cool. That's when the Canadian stoners sound like that, too? Yeah, yeah. They're all from, from like Laguna Beach area yeah I was sick man I was like it was all moguls though you couldn't even find that fresh towel you couldn't even find it man

fuck you too planker oh that's like they hate a skier they hate a skier. They hate a skier over there. Well, tough news. Tough news. Oh, no. I'm a skier.

Have you ever come out as a skier? I go in nice and tight. My feet are nice and tight together. Lean forward. In my little onesie. And I zip zap down, hunting that fresh pal deep and steep and in the trees. And I skid to a stop

and I spray little kids with snow and I say, off my hill, locals only, pal. This is whitewater, dude. We only have two lifts. Actually, just a third. So if you're in the area, visit. This is just a tourism ad for Nelson. Check it out.

He promised he'd get five people per show to move there. Yeah. Worth it. Shouldn't be a problem. Set up shop. It's only five hours away from beautiful Spokane, Washington. Here they've got a lovely meth problem down there. The heart of eastern Washington. Here they've got a lovely meth problem down there. The heart of

eastern Washington. The crown jewel of eastern Washington is Spokane. It's true. Coeur d'Alene. You could go to Caslo. They've got a fully functioning paddle wheel boat there. It's beautiful.

Not allowed in the water. They don't actually let it paddle. You could probably... This is in Nelson? Yeah. Well, that's in Kaslo. Are you just naming Canadian towns? That last one was...

Huh? What happened? We got to do... You're talking shit about Nelson. They cut your mic, bro. Wow. Stop it. I told you to stop.

Oh. I am down with the sickness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're down. Tragulosis, specifically. Who here has never heard our podcast before? Oh. I guess if you haven't. A single, yeah,

well the people raising their hands have also never been to a comedy show before. This is how it works. This is chemistry class after all. You were dragged here by a friend, is that the deal? One ticket's at an office party or something? Oh, you were brother? This guy made you go?

Brother, lover, cousin? Todah. The rest of the show is going to be very confusing. It's all inside jokes from here on. We're going with all the hits. We're hitting Surge Dude. We're hitting John Wolfe. If you don't know that shit, if you can't

recite every Game Boy quote by heart, that's when you quote it with your ass, then you might as well leave. Quoting stuff with your ass is brand new, so that one should have fucking, that should have hit. Excuse me, miss. How many gigabytes does your company own?

Yeah! I bet you don't even have a CD-ROM drive. The deep cuts. Dupes is back. Dupes 3. You heard that. It sounds so much like booing. Yeah.

Just so you know. And that's what you hear. I have to convince myself they're saying Dupes. Thomas, they're just saying dudes. Thank you. Keenan, say hi. Use the full name. Haven't you changed your name again?

He's just anal. No, no. I've legally changed my name yet again. A smear. To anal spread, diarrhea, butt crust, fart, sew my dick to my butt. I've got no butt anymore.

Point two. Good work, pointy. Curse you! And that's, now you have the, you've been caught up. That's the game. But this is a, it's an advice podcast. People are seeking our guidance, our wisdom, and why not? We're smart people from America.

We get it. We know how to guide the ins and outs, the intricacies of every sticky situation. So you guys want to sit down? Maybe we'll answer someacies of every sticky situation. So you guys want to sit down? Maybe we'll answer some questions for these lovely people. Maybe you guys can help with that. Let's get serious. Okay. Okay. Since this is our last show, maybe we'll cheers. I don't know. Oh, yeah, you

guys have drinks. You guys can drink. That's fun. That's good. In Winnipeg... Don't worry, this is LSD In Winnipeg, I swear, they all just drink snow Like, it was so weird Come on, dude What is this, the Royal Canadian Air Force over here? What is this? Cheers, thanks so much for coming, everybody

Thank you I have on my phone real emails from real people. All I need. Wow. Whoa. That was a record. Grandis was quick with that. I was going to say, let me just explain to the newcomer. I thought he said pregnant and I was like, that'd be a weird name. Yeah. Shit. We're going to be referring to these people by fake names just to preserve their anonymity.

But I assure you these were written by real humans and this one we'll name Grandis. Grandis. Grandis Rice.

Hi. Wait. Oh. What happened? It just smells weird. That's it. And that's what is that going to do the wiping? It's going to wipe Well now his sleeve just smells weird. And that's, what is that going to do? The wiping.

It's going to wipe the smell. Well, now his sleeve will smell weird. Hmm. All right. Touche. Oh, he's licking it. Cool. Crandis writes, I'm a freshman in college, and last night I had sex with a girl.

Hey! It was a girl at my school that I met on Tinder Thanks Jake All Gucci right? Wrong I didn't use a condom And now I'm panicking Because I'm afraid I might have gotten STD

I awkwardly Asked the girl before we got down to Brass tacks if she was clean, and she said yes. But these last 24 hours have been a nightmare of me Googling symptoms and imagining the worst what-if scenario. This morning I texted her again the same question, just to make double doggy sure.

I don't have any symptoms yet and she didn't have any either but i'm still fucking terrified that she might have just said yes not to ruin the mood so my question is is there a good way to ask someone if they have an std right before having sex with them without turning them off by seeming skeptical of their cleanliness? Would someone lie about not having an STD and trick someone into having sex with them? Am I overreacting? Please help. P.S. I'm 20 and she's 18. The sex was great, but this was definitely my condom wake-up call Love, Crandis Let's give it up for Crandis Okay Thoughts?

Fears? Frustrations? I kind of hate Crandis, but outside of that Why do you hate him? I don't know, he just sounds annoying Yeah, he sounds neurotic Yeah, he doesn't sound like he's good at sex. I wouldn't want to have sex with him. Definitely.

Don't go before you... His question is, is there a good way to ask about that stuff? Don't say, are you clean? Yeah. The phrasing there is definitely bad. No, I have a ton of STDs, but I did not wipe my butt. What's the cool way to ask? did not wipe my butt. What's the cool way to ask?

Or do you just assume? Oh, are you kidding me? It's, hey! Hey, dude! Hey, dude! You got any warts or open sores I should wear you? And are you, you're fully naked at this point? Oh, yeah.

Edging. Nice, nice. Good man. Your turn. Man after my own dick. Yeah, you're just sitting there edging. I think that you're allowed to, you can ask, and even if it's a little awkward, that's fine.

Sure. But the thing that's extra awkward is not believing somebody. So you're like, are you clean? Like, yeah. Like, hmm. Prove it, baby So you're like, are you clean? Like, yeah. Like, I don't know. Prove it, baby. Well, like, I'm serious. Why?

Because I'm very clean. I never have sex. Yeah. If you want to do the 60s, you know, free love highway and you want to go down No Condom Avenue,

take that shit at face value. Or just do a nice, brief visual inspection. Yeah. Because you can see AIDS, dude. I'm telling you. Right. That's why they're called visual AIDS.

Yeah. That's right. That's correct. Uncle. The applause is good. Uncle Amir. I'm up from dad to uncle jokes. I'm moving further and further away from you.

Is it safe to assume that if someone has a disease, they'd tell you even without you asking? Or would they be like, afterwards be like, I had herpes, but guess you should have asked. Gotcha. Don't ask, don't tell, baby. I suppose that's possible. But I feel like people would want to be up front.

Sometimes they don't even know. That's the thing. Right. Wow. So they're telling the truth as they think it is to be. As they know it. But what are the uncurable STDs? It's like genital herpes.

AIDS. Yeah, that one's a really bad one. Is gonorrhea not curable? It's incurable? No shit. Let's take a poll. All right. If enough people don't know, it's curable.

HPV? Well, that's sort of like, isn't that one not really a risk for guys? We can't even get tested for it. Yeah, well, you know I'd definitely transfer it. Yeah, we're insidious carriers. You never know. You never know if we have it. You know, man, I don't know, dude, man.

Like, what can you really do? Just use a condom if you're going to be this nervous. Otherwise, you have to be chill. Yeah, you can't be cool enough to not use a condom and then also text the next morning to verify did you lie to me? Are you still clean? Or what's wrong with getting

tested yourself just to make sure if you're so scared? Oh. You get tested. Or have her have sex with someone else and make sure that guy gets tested. Then you don't even have to go to the doctor. Have her have sex with someone else and then look at that guy's penis. That's right. Magnifying glass.

Easy enough. Problem solved, man. Next question. Yeah. Here's the answer. Chill, dude. Nice. Just relax, man. You have AIDS. Yeah, you can always just assume you have it Yeah

And then when you don't, it's like best day ever Right Great news I don't have herpes And I thought I did Alright, we need a girl's name Walnut Ooh, I heard Walnut

You like the name Walnut? Yeah, I heard it pretty quickly You have Oh wow Wait, did you also yell Wal walnut? Yeah, I heard it pretty quickly. You have... Oh, wow. Wait, did you also yell walnut? Yeah, he yelled walnut. So walnut has a last name. He actually didn't yell it.

He just said it super fast. But let's go. What's the last name? Tastes good. Yeah. So the name that you came up with was Walnut Taste Good. And your friends are starting the applause. Oh, they're dabbing.

Oh, are you? They're throwing pistachios at us. This dude dabbed and poked his girlfriend in the eye. You're going to be the guy that's like, you've got friends over and you're like, try the walnuts. And everyone's like, I prefer cashews, almonds, really any other nut. Why, walnuts are good, come on. And you're cracking them open.

No thanks, thanks, I'm good. And crumble like 80 suck. And you're like, I'm a walnut guy, come on. Oh no, it's. I've seen in the future, that's it, there's no argument, that's you. Yes, you into the future. That's it. There's no argument. That's you. Yes, you in the front. Oh, really?

Then why have I been cracking open walnuts? You got him there, dude. Stomped him. You know what? You know what? I know this is kind of early for this, but get out. What? Really? Are know what? I know this is kind of early for this, but get out. What?

Really? Are you kidding? This is... I know I'm just the guest and everything. I know. But get out. How do you have this authority? Can we...

You don't challenge me. Yeah. But it's just that you kicked five people out of Calgary and you kicked six people out of Winnipeg. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to do it this early in the show. I turned a new leaf. It was much earlier in those other shows, by the way.

Well, I want them to go. Why don't we call that strike one? Okay. All right. Walnut tastes good. Right. I need some perspective on a situation from a guy's perspective.

Lucky for you, we're three white boys sitting on a stage in Vancouver. Let's go. I've been with this guy on and off for three years, and lately we've rekindled our relationship almost to the point of wanting to get really serious and married. He went to Vegas this past weekend

for a friend's bachelor party. Sadly, I expected the worst from him, and I assumed strippers would be involved. Which I vehemently do not approve of. I asked him what happened. At first he lied, because he could see that I was getting very uncomfortable at hearing that the stripper thing was confirmed.

He stated that he began lying by omission because he could see that he would lose me. I pushed and I pushed until he told me the disgusting details. There was nudity. There were lap dances which at first he swore only happened to the groom. Another lie. And then he said that they each did a whiskey luge off their tits. That one is bad. They then proceeded to play ring toss

on a glow stick inside each stripper's vagina. Could be worse. It could have been horseshoes. Folks, those are heavy. You don't want to mess with one of those. That'll crack a wall. Sounds like a personal problem. I may be naive, but holy shit, that's disgusting.

Regardless of the fact that I think it's demeaning to a woman, he upholds that he didn't cheat on me, but I can't help but feel that way. I feel like the whole idea of a bachelor party is to sanction cheating, because it's mostly guys who do this. Obviously, there are women who have bachelorette parties with strippers too, but it feels different. I've never heard of a male stripper getting fully naked

and getting into a bride's face. I told him that he feels like he's in the right because he's never had to experience me doing something like that. How would he feel if I did a whiskey shot off two guys' dicks? Probably not great. It just feels so lopsided and I feel extremely

sick to my stomach. So what do you guys think? Did he cheat on me? Am I crazy for being mad? Is he a horrible person for lying to me then making me feel like I'm horrible by being mad at him? I just know that if he were in that situation, he'd flip his shit. Help!

Love, Walnut Love walnut tastes good. Okay. How would the mechanics of the whiskey luge off two dicks work? The mechanics of the whiskey luge, that's what baffles me. Yeah. We're talking about, like, glow-in-the-dark rods and ring tossing vaginas. Yeah, but I can get that anatomically for the two dicks to be so close and parallel the guys would have to be facing each other at which point where

would the woman's face be where's the beginning and end of a luge of course you can imagine two guys sitting standbys side by side but at that point the dicks aren't close enough together to create the luge you almost have to have the dicks. What? It's all about the angle is something somebody says before they try it and break their dick. Watch this. Oh, good. You just catch your stance on a fucking table, be like, I got this.

That's me, man. That's me, man. Well, let's... Don't worry, I got this. The general question is... Yeah, is this cheating? Well, I'm also fascinated by, like, how she extracted all of this information. She, like, Guantanamo-bayed this dude.

It's like, she waterboard him until there was fucking nothing. Like how did she get ring toss? There's some secrets you just keep bro code. It's beyond that. That's just, God, that's insane that he came so clean. That's almost impressive. Oh, like he didn't cheat because he admitted to that detail. Well, yeah, also, is it, there's like,

you can do something bad and still have it not be cheating, right? It can, he didn't fuck somebody, but he like threw a ring at a glowing stick inside someone's vagina, which is like a really new thing. So it hasn't been established as cheating.

But it was still against the rules. Yeah. What do you think, Thomas? Have you ever been to a bachelor party? Have you ever been to a strip club? Do you imagine a lap dance is cheating? Oh, shoulders. How do your shoulders get so far in front of your neck?

I've never been to a bachelor. I don't get invited to that because they know that I'm going to be the guy that's like, I just don't feel like they're safe. Let's call you girls a cab. Take that out of your... My bachelor party is in June. Do you want to come? We're going to do mini putt-putt into a stripper's ass.

Hell yeah! We're going to play pinball with two frozen dicks as the flappers. Why frozen? Because they need to be stiff is all. So they could be hard. No, not if they're detached from the body.

Jesus. My bachelor party is going to be awesome. What was that? Knock hockey? Is that what you were talking about? Foosball but with

hockey sticks? Oh, slot hockey. Rod hockey. Rod hockey, yeah, sure. That's a Canadian thing, right? Yeah, why did you bring that up? Because imagine that

but with dicks. That's the kind of shit that would go on at bachelorette parties. Why are you planning a bachelorette party? I'm just saying if we're here,

we can, like, get down to some details. You can get down with a sickness. Uh, well, you know what? A lot of guys aren't down with a role reversal, you know, and that's no play-not. You gotta, if you wanna get a little, you gotta give a little. And anyways, you know.

CFNM. Clothes, female, nude, male. Nude, male. Obviously. Got it. There's a real fun culture out there in certain sections of pornography. The porno has way more fucking categories than you even realize. It's called CFNM, and it's about fully clothed women fucking nude men.

I don't know what it's supposed to represent in the power dynamics game. Yeah. I don't even know why you're bringing it up. But let's see where it goes. Because I also want to talk about J-O-Y, J-O-E. What's J-O-Y? C-E-I. What's this? Jerk-off encouragement? Jer J-O-E, C-E-I. What's those?

Jerk-off encouragement? Jerk-off instructions? Cum-eating instructions? You don't... What was the last one? Cum-eating instructions. You need instructions? Comedian instructions? Cum...

I wish. How many instructions are there when it comes down to cum-eating? What is there, like, more than one? Oh, cum-eating. Well, there's cum eating instruction and cum eating encouragement. There's some people that need to learn how to do it and some people that need to be egged on a little bit.

Oh, I'm coming! Wait for our unsolicited advice for the stinger. Do you consider a lap dance cheating? It all depends on the agreement beforehand. It really does. If the girl's like, don't do it, and then he does it, it's just a bit of a betrayal, that's all. But if she's like, go for it.

Yeah, but betrayal is different than cheating, right? It's like, betrayal, fine. Yeah. Betrayal's like, I told you not to eat dinner without me, and you did. Yes, that's true. It's not necessarily a cardinal sin but then again my whole perspective on cardinal sins let's just do an informal poll of the audience

can we I'm trying to get involved in the swinger scene so everything's changing right now sorry what's going on you know just I'm evolving it's 2018 and I just don't know about, you know, these constructs that we've made for ourselves. I've been watching a lot of The Bachelor.

I think there's no need for you to like go through this. And I don't know. I just think I want a club and everyone's wearing masks and no one knows whose body is whose. It's just a writhing mass. Right, but this is also not even what she's asking about, so if you don't want to share this... Actually, you can talk, just not into the microphone,

because then everyone can hear you sort of going through the logic. It's just, you know, you don't know what's happening, and part of the fear is actually part of the excitement. You're divulging a lot of really personal stuff. And probably you get everyone's numbers and you text them the next day, are you clean? But it's hard because it's like 48 people.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a pretty funny group text though. Lots of guys doing bits. Please don't reply all. A lot of gifs. You don't have anybody's contacts saved, so it's all just fucking random numbers responding. A lot of links. A lot of gifs. You don't have anybody's contact saved, so it's all just fucking random numbers responding. A lot of links to E-Bomb's world videos.

Do you want to pull the crowd as our lap dance? Is lap dance... Wait, are we guys cheering for lap dance being cheating or pulling the crowd? All right, should we pull the crowd if we should pull? Yeah, all right, fine. Are you guys comfortable being pulled? And who doesn't

want to be polled? Alright. Sounds like we're polling. Thank you for your honesty. No, man. I'm proud of you for being brave. Alright, cool. Is getting a lap dance cheating? Yes? Don't yell no. Just you cheer if it is

cheating. Is it cheating? Yes! I want to talk to the fucking one person that was brave enough to still yell the thing is it's like a lame stance to take but a lot of people think it thank you it's just a fun activity i kind of agree or i think it's also it's a fun activity but then it's also it's a confusing activity, but then it's also, it's a confusing activity, I think. Has any, I mean, like, I don't know if maybe anyone else identifies. I think pre-strip club, hey. You pipe the fuck down.

Enough. You got your little, you got your little quote in. Kick him out, dude. No, you know, strike one. Okay, one to you, one to that guy. And you know what? Fuck it. That's two to you. I feel like he encouraged it. Yeah. Yeah, you're one to that guy. And you know what? Fuck it. That's two to you.

I feel like he encouraged it. Yeah, you're egging this guy on. He was the come-eating encourager. I find that pre-strip club, it's like, yeah, all right, this is going to be great. And you get in, and everything's now changed, and you've showed your ID, and you've been reminded of the rules and you sit down

and you see someone on stage and they're doing their thing and you're like, I don't I can't tell if she's being sexy or if she's hiding sadness. Definitely the second. And then when the private thing happens, it's like, okay this is cool. You're pretending to be sexy, but I know at the end I have to

give you money for it. Take this ring. You're pretending to be sexy, but I know at the end I have to give you money for it. Take this ring. Take this ring. You'll get it later. Yeah, yeah. You're going to have to toss it. Yeah. I've always said I get the most aroused

when someone's pretending to be into me. Yeah. So I find them pretty confusing. Oh, but to touch a butt? That counts. Some of them let you touch the butt. Yeah. Are you allowed to touch a butt? That counts. Because some of them let you touch the butt. Are you allowed to touch in Canada? Quebec?

In Quebec, it's crazy, man. It's encouraged. They want you to touch their titty, man. I don't know. I spend a lot of my time pretending to like people, so it's nice to go to a strip club and get the reverse. What a dark insight into your character. That's what you tell them.

That's what you're telling them while they're lap dancing you. That's what I'm telling the bouncer trying to get him to let me back in. You like strip clubs. You're not afraid to say Oh no I actually I hate them Really? Yeah I don't like them

But you've been to your fair share Oh I've been to them a lot Yeah But I don't like it I think it's bad I went to a swingers club Swingers? A sex swingers club

And tell me more Tell me it all It looked like a big A big strip club. Like it had sections. And then you, first section was not, was clothed,

and it's BYOB, which is weird. And there was a, there was like a buffet, and they had waffles. Oh God. What time of day was this? It was like a Belgian waffle

in a Franzia box. This was late on an off night. And then in the back, you kind of, you got into locker room and you put a towel on. So now you walk around the towel section. Wait, you have to be nude there? Yeah, if you want to go in the back, man.

Jesus, if you want a waffle. If you want a waffle. So do you carb up before you go to the back or do you like, are the waffles? I'm always carb. I'm rock carb. Yeah, and you go into the big room and there's people doing stuff and it feels weird because it's like silent other than the sounds of the things that are happening and then what do you have to do and you and going in you're like oh sweet like everyone's gonna look like porn stars and they're all gonna be beautiful but it turns out it's like a lot of middle-aged heavyset folk.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, like, do you, but it's the fantasy is different than the reality, I think. But in the end, I applauded everyone. Standing O. This was two nights ago in Winnipeg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Winnipeg, is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Winnipeg, ooh. No, I'm just kidding. How were the waffles? Didn't try them, actually. Shocker. I didn't want to try the Swingers Club waffles. But did you BYOB?

No, I didn't know until I got there, so I was stone cold sober the entire time. Suffice it to say, it lasted 20 minutes, and then I left. Still awesome. Oh, there was a pool table in the nudie section. So you could either be playing pool in a towel, or

fully nude, or fucking someone. Using your dick as, like, the fucking stick. Alright. Dude, have you had sex? You're like... Yeah, it's a lot like pool. But earlier you said that having a hard dick was for it to be

frozen. Yeah, that was for the pit ball. I just feel like you don't know anything about it. Wait, what do you mean? How is sex like pool? Like, what's what? What represents what? Right. Well, that's alright. What's the stick? If you want me to walk through the analogy. Yes, I do. The felt of the table is

like... Why would you start there? I'm walking you through the entire experience. Okay, so what's the felt of the table? The felt of the table is what? Like when you say I felt a boo. So that's not even an analogy. That's a pun. I thought you were going to say

like bed sheets or something. Right. Or bed sheets. I'm giving you even an analogy. That's a pun. I thought you were going to say bed sheets or something. Right, or bed sheets. I'm giving you your own analogy now. The first thing you wanted to do was a bad felt analogy. Okay, what are the... Skip ahead, honestly. Not unlike a woman, the table has six holes. I think it's generally considered

there are three available for sex. But you're like including two nostrils, the ears, and that's only that's not enough still. Oh no, that's seven, yeah. Your woman is short like a fucking nostril maybe.

I'll never tell. Alright, so, okay, so the table is the woman and there are many holes. Oh, right. The felt is the bed sheets, which Thomas gave you. The felt is being felt on. Yeah, he felt a boomer. The six holes are all the holes.

The six holes represent the six holes that a lady has. Or a man. Or a man. Man might be closer. Man actually, yeah, do have six. Well, no, I mean, they're urethra. Or a man. Man might be closer. Man actually, yeah, do have six. Well, no, I mean, the urethra, yeah. And actually, you know, the urethra in a woman is a separate hole. That's correct.

So that's eight. Okay, so, what are the balls? Oh, well, the balls are obviously the woman's boobs. There is a part of a guy called balls. Wait, wait, wait. Also, is the objective in sex to put a woman's boob in one of her holes? That's so fucked. Hey, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but...

Yeah, no. You can actually fiddle a little bitty titty into an ear... Just knock it off. What's the chalk? You don't want to fit an itty-bitty titty into an ear. Now you're like,

you're never going to do it. The chalk is a condom that you put on your stick or shaft. That one's good. All right. I'll get to that. So wait, sex is taking your dick, ramming it against itty bitty titties, over-tweeting a condom arm.

That's right. Ramming it against itty bitty titties with the objective of coping those titties going any of the six holes that a woman has. Right titty, corner ear. Feeling her up on some bed sheets. Alright. Alright. Yeah.

Amir's at the Hilton downtown room 693. Or as I call it, 69-3. That's that snooker shit. The what? The snooker. Smaller table, but there's pegs in the wall.

All right, let's go on to the next question. All right, I guess. Chief Queen! Hardline short play! Hardline short play! Yeah! Papa. We need a guy's name.

They said... I want to go... I heard hard one's your foot, but I want to go with Papa because you've got to respect... You've got to respect the possum. Hi, guys. I'm Papa. His voice is actually more like...

And he can't speak English, so don't even try. So should we not read this then? I think we go straight to the break, dude. Well, what's the name of the dude that can understand the rodents in your weird fantasy game? Well, not really anybody, but you could do... Beverly. Let's go with Beverly. All right, Papa Beverly writes, My name is Papa Beverly, and I'm a high school student

living just outside of Calgary. We read this question one day too late. You helped solve an issue of mine in the past, but I need your help again. Recently, and by that I mean about an hour and a half ago while we were hanging out after the movies, my girlfriend and I were talking about our guilty pleasures as a sort of fun conversation.

And she asked me what mine were. I said, because it's true, and it's been a few months with her, that I love listening to pirate sea shanties from the Caribbean

era. My favorite being running down to Cuba. She shot me a weird look and changed the conversation right away. This kid is going to grow up and we're going to be

best friends. This is the first time I really liked somebody that wrote it to our podcast. I bet he's writing wrote into our podcast. And I bet he's writing this in his, like, cape. Like, he's wearing a cape. Even though I totally was fine with her weird, innocent guilty pleasure of cinnamon-flavored toothpaste. She's the monster!

I was mortified right away, obviously. I mean, with this lack of talking about it, she probably just assumes I'm some sort of history nerd and wants to break up with me. I really like this girl, and while I know I probably should have just made up some regular guilty pleasure, I've already made the mistake, and I need to keep this woman. This jumble of teen anxiety and miscommunication.

And for that I'm very sorry, but I need your help. Do I bring this up again? Do I stop listening to sea shanties? And hope she picks up on the fact that I've stopped? Do I leave her and sail the seven seas, pillaging and plundering as I please with the boys? Aye! Yarr! Thanks in advance for any advice.

Love, Papa Beverly. Let's give it up for Papa. I love him. Me too. I mean, change your habits so that the girl likes you more? Well, that is absolutely... Well, unless... It depends what your habits are, but in his case, absolutely not. Become a different person, I should say.

Stop being yourself in order to impress a woman. All the time. Every day. Every day. That's how you score. You can tell that this guy was- Especially something as just absolutely precious as like listening to Sea Shanties. What a dream.

What an ostracized little boy hanging out in Calgary, Alberta. The home of like the cowboy stink guy like, what the fuck are you looking at, eh? And he's sitting there listening to fucking Sea Shanties. He's so alone. He is so alone. No, don't change. change Hashtag it gets better Was this you? Huh?

Was this you? No no it's Yaya Or Papa Or whatever the fuck What was your pirate sea shanty in Nelson Canada? Like what's the famous Nelson sea shanty? No like what was your Come on you all know's Sea Shanty? No, like, what was your... Come on, you all know the Nelson's Shanty song.

Well, this is... I did like weird stuff. Like, I got into... This is going to sound bad, though. Is it CFNF? It's going to sound bad. But I've been a history nerd for a while, so, like, I get him in a way.

Do you know what he's talking about? Sea Shanty is from the Caribbean era? Yeah, I could only imagine. You know what probably started it? What's that? It was like big in Canadian radio for a bit. They're like Newfoundland band. Yeah, what's their big song and it's like

Oh, throw him over Yeah. There's like a big one, right? What's it? Probably. Do you know how What's it? Probably? Do you know how to sing it? Spirit of the West? Do you guys know how it goes?

Whoever knows it, stand up and everyone shut up and listen to him or her sing it. Just go ahead. Someone did it over there. I don't know the title. I clearly don't know the title. I'm going, you know the one song that's like... I don't know the title. I clearly don't know the title. I'm going, you know the one song that's like... I don't know the title.

He wants you to sing an entire song, and then he'll decide if that's the song. Why is it so hard? A day at night, coming a fire at night. That one. There it is. Let's go. I wish I wasn't a trader now. When a little rough mark came from the king to the scummiest vessel I've ever seen.

God damn them all. I was told to use the seeds from American gold. You'd fire no guns, shed no tears. Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier. The last to bear its privateers. Yes! That's my shit! That's a Stan Rogers tears. Yes! That's my shit! That was...

That's a Stan Rogers song. Yes. I bet you, I bet you, Marty, that that was his gateway drug. My God. How do you know that song? I fucking love it. I love sea shanties. So that... All right, man. One strike? I love sea shanties. Is that it?

All right, man. One strike? What are you thinking? I don't know what he's saying. Smoke a joint a Friday off D-Bat. That's what I heard. I'm with you, though. Definitely, though.

For sure. One strike, though. Fair. One strike. My God. Fair. Fair. Fair.

It's a sweet question, but I think we all want him to be himself and find somebody that maybe this woman is the one that will love you for it. Maybe not. I think, you know, as a teen, which he is, I know it's probably the world to you right now. Don't worry about it. Yeah. You're a teen.

It is fine. And if you were listening to the podcast you at least heard half a dozen other people know the song so there are people out there that like shanty shit yeah yeah lots of people like supported your your love of sea shanties nobody took the girl's side here in the room that's you know what you know what's attractive it's it's seeing that someone's passionate about something. So legit, if she kind of poo-pooed it, and you're wondering like, oh my God, I said the wrong thing,

show her what's cool about sea shanties. Take her to the local... So it's like a call and response, all right, babe? And if after that, if she sees your passion and dislikes you for it, not meant to be. Don't worry about it. There's plenty of other whales to harpoon. Yay.

All right, let's take a break. We'll answer some questions from here. And if you're listening at home, enjoy these ads, I guess. Let's get a round of applause. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

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G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. we've had a great question just sitting in these for every show that we've never gotten to but i want to get to it right now because i really think you thomas can read the hell out of it whoa because and you can even name him but he 16-year-old stoner that loves to ski. Oh. Oh, Toby Broderson. Holy shit. Toby Broderson. All right.

Oh. Okay. Dare to take in a mirror. Take in what? What? How'd you pronounce my name? Dare. Oh, Jake in a mirror.

All right. I happen to be in a particularly sticky, brackets, green situation with one tough decision to make. Being a 16-year-old junior in high school, I have little to complain about. Life is good. At least he's aware. He's got it easy. Except this one distressing dilemma. I've been partaking in some of the devil's lettuce

for the past two months with my buddies. Recently though, my girlfriend of two years found out, brackets, why am I enunciating the, found out not that I was keeping it secret, hashtag make love not war. My girlfriend of two years has found out that I have been lighting up every weekend for around two months. She is devastated that I have now become a quote-unquote stoner.

We have had multiple fights about this issue and it has mostly just been her yelling at me for getting baked with no reason for her anger. The other night, me and my pals were smoking again. Hashtag wacky Wednesday. And we made a plan to go skiing

and get absolutely fried beforehand. I'm talking wake, bake, and bake some more. I would love to go on this trip, and I don't want to hurt this girl's feelings. My questions are, one, should I drop this dictator of a gal and have more time for me and my friends? Two, is this really so bad to just have a good time and smoke some weed? Three, should I try and convert her to understanding and hopefully liking weed herself? Four, if I don't break up with this girl, should I go on this ski trip and not tell her,

go on this ski trip and promise not to smoke, not go on this ski trip at all, or should I try and convert her so she can see that we, that it's not a big deal at all? This dude is repeating himself in the letter. He's high out of his mind.

Thank you very much for whatever advice. No hate. Love, Toby Broderson. Toby Broderson. Wow. Wow. I mean, you ski. You get it.

Yeah, I shred NAR, but... Boy, his letter is evidence that you should maybe give it a break. It was so intense for someone that is like super stoned. There was like nine different multiple choice. Yeah, she is being a total bitch though for not wanting him to do drugs. It's quasi-legal here, isn't it? Not for 16-year-olds.

That's the thing that every stoner cheers for. It's legal. I'm 14. Let me smoke every day. Don't be an asshole. What's the age? That's why the other people don't let you smoke. You're on the girlfriend's side?

Huh? Are you on the girlfriend's side? No, I'm just like, that hooting and hollering for a 14-year-old to smoke weed at 8 in the morning. You fucking narc. That's how you get other people trying to control it. Pizza, french fry, pizza, french fry. Man, I'm hungry!

Ugh. I just hit a fucking mogul up! Oh, no! My neck! My fucking neck! Brody! Brody! Brody! Dondy! Brody! Brody! Don't look!

Hey, Ski Patrol, you guys need some bud? There's a fucking ball through his stomach, you asshole! I made my med kit into a bomb, let's rip on it! Help him! He's bleeding out! He needs dank bud! No, he needs CPR! This is BC Hydro! He's bleeding out! He needs bank funds! No! He needs CPR! This is BC Hydro!

He's bleeding out! Ugh. You killed my friend. What is the age? Is it 18 or 21? It doesn't matter, man. It's all free love. 19, right? Here, it's 19. 19?

Cool. It should be. There's kind of a correlation between this weed and that guy's sea shanties because it's both like something that is kind of crazy. And honestly, if you take it back a little further between the sea shanty and the fucking stripper ring toss. That's right.

It's all like I did something that I liked, and the person that I like hated it. Does that mean that I have to be different, or does that mean that they're bad? That's the... What happened just then? What are you saying? I can't say it again, because I have no idea.

Just saying, if this guy's skiing and throwing rings at pussies and smoking pot and singing sea shanties. It's all about, like, fucking doing, yeah, it's doing you

and somebody's harsh in your shit. That's, that's really. Really what's happening? Probably. I guess he is 16. He's allowed to, like, move on because he wants pot.

I mean, you never, ever want to, like, because he wants pot I mean you never ever want to like if a 16 year old is fighting with a girlfriend you never want to be like hey work it out it's worth it yeah stick it out

this might be the one you're 16 if there's a problem that's fine move on yeah break up but don't

you know keep it to the weekends pal you're already struggling as it is no more wacky Wednesday let's give it to the weekends, pal. You're already struggling as it is. No more wacky Wednesday. Let's give it to, hashtag Freaky Friday. Yeah. And hashtag Sticky Saturday.

Sticky Icky Saturday. Yeah. Dank, dank night in Saturday. Yeah. Like fucking NAR study, getting up at school clean. Maybe an edible on Sunday. Monday is strictly Molly. Tuesday is for blow. Wednesday is assy.

I know, I would say. Thursday, Thursday, glug, glug, glug. That'll take you to hashtag Freaky Friday where we're doing weed, edible, a little bit of fucking ayahuasca for some reason. Jesus, this kid's gonna die. You're, you're, you're,

you're painting the picture of weed as a gateway drug, man. Don't fucking do that to us. You goddamn Reaganite. Huh? Fuck you, man. This is Canada. We don't do that. Get off of here. Wait a second. You guys don't like Reagan?

Where are we, Amir? we have to go to seattle fast they love reagan at all right um all right do you guys have time for one more question oh shit this one is another confused little boy but he's not doing anything wrong. Oh. There's the last guy. All right. Benjamin? Did someone say Benjamin?

I like Benjamin. Yeah, why not? Just fucking normal. This guy said Walnut Tastes Good, and you're like, no. I'm going with a strong Jewish name here. Benjamin Gil... What's the most Canadian last name there is?

Oh, like McMullen. Benjamin McMullen. That is your next prime minister. Yeah, he's not from Nelson, he's from Fort Nelson. Hoorah! Benjamin Mick Nelson. No. Mick Mullen?

Yeah, Mick Mullen. Right. From Fort Nelson. Yeah. Youth hockey. There's this girl that I'm interested in, and I think she has a medical issue that she needs to go see a doctor about. Whoa. Only I don't know how to bring it up. Some nights when I stay a medical issue that she needs to go see a doctor. Whoa. Yeah. Only I don't know how to bring it up.

Some nights when I stay over, she'll go into the bathroom late at night while I'm sleeping and blow the place up. It's bad. It's loud. I can hear her grunting. And the awful brown bomber squirting into the toilet. I can't help but get a picture in my head.

Her bent over, sitting on the john, gripping her knees. And grunting while the brown liquid shoots at her ass like a rocket with enough lift to shoot her off the toilet and launch her into orbit like some kind of shit-powered astronaut. All while covering the earth with the stench of her big brown butt juice.

Cool. This guy's chill, man. This guy seems chill. So how do I tell her that this is an issue? At least it's an issue for me. And perhaps it's bad enough that she might have some kind of food allergy. Oh, he's considerate. Right, that's what he's concerned about.

Thank you. Love, Ben McMullen. Let's give it up for Ben McMullen. If this was you, are you giving it the old, is everything okay? I would hand him the book that most kids read called Everybody Poops. Everybody Poops, but not everybody fucking grunt sprays. I mean, poor thing, she may have allergies or something. She might have IBS. She might have the IBS.

Just don't shame her. Yeah, but can you express concern without shame when it comes to a duty and a fart? Okay, yes, you're her. I'm him. All right, get back into bed. Sorry about that. My sink wouldn't warm up. It's i was there for a minute um it's warming

yeah you're in there for a long time huh yeah well yeah longish um speaking of longish should we watch blackish there's an episode in a bit in a bit diane is everything okay i just wanted to ask you um what's that supposed to mean well i just wanted to ask you What's that supposed to mean? I just wanted to know if maybe you have talked to your parents or maybe even a doctor if you have poo poo bum bum disease If I've What?

Pee pee B-B-D Pee poo Pee poo Poo poo bum bum disease Pee pee B-B-D? Poo-poo-bum-bum-bum disease. Poo-poo-bum-bum-bum disease. Poo-poo-bum-bum-bum disease. What are you talking about? It's just I notice... I mean, I don't know if you know that I can hear,

but I can hear everything. Okay. I can just... Just so you know, I can hear everything. All right. All right. I see where you're getting at. It's because of the loud and violent grunting

and the shit-making that happens before I come into bed. I don't think that's necessarily bad. I'm just genuinely concerned that you might have a health issue. Don't worry about it. I got it under control. It definitely does not sound under control. Did it happen just now? It did, but

only a little bit. Am I next to it? Is there a risk of it touching me? It's too early to tell. Diane, I need you to tell. I don't want to catch it. Are you clean? Good man. That's why they call me Tommy Improv.

You guys, did you have fun tonight? Good. And so did we. Thank you so much for coming. And thanks to Thomas for coming all the way over. And thanks to you guys for being the best. Good night. Thank you. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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