Segments - 328: Birthday Sex

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

In this episode we discuss anime, racism, and birthday sex! Also, if you're in Amsterdam, London, or Dublin, come see us in June!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only I've always felt like an otaku I'm not a typical man, I love cartoons Let's leave America and go

Through the magic land of Tokyo But I don't know if it's what I should do I know just who I'll talk to Take it a mere Waku waku no Go go yeah Waku waku no Should I move to Japan

Home of Boruto No Ruto Go go yeah Go go yeah Yeah What else Yeah yeah yeah yeah Mori

Tsuburashi Kawai Ho ho ho Onani onani Go to hell. That's what else. Mommy. Super-rushy, go-why. Oh-nani, oh-nani, oh-why. Please help me out, YouTube Jews. I like basic social cues. Mark me on your show. If I were you. Wow. Holy guacamole.

Holy cow. That was a theme song about a guy that really loves anime and manga writing to see if he should move to Japan. I think that was the story of the song, not the actual artist who worked on it, which was this guy Michael and his friend Jace, who are working on a podcast called Musical Myths. Oh, shit. But the podcast doesn't exist yet. Okay. Did you realize that that was like an anime manga thing? Yeah.

You did? I did. It's cool that somebody finally, finally made us a theme song in one of the styles that I'm super passionate about, which is manga and anime. You're not passionate about those things. No, I haven't mentioned it on the show before. Yeah. Just because I keep it a little...

I try to put off this air that I'm a basketball and sort of math stat nerd. You are. I've seen you like only watching basketball. But when I go home, it's exclusively time for anime, manga. Say one other. Anime, manga, and then just one other type of cartoon. You want to know what manga is? No, I want to know one other anime manga.

Manga, basically, there are these comics that were created in Japan in the late 19th century. That's what manga is, if that's what you're wondering. I wasn't. Did you just Google it? No. Okay, shut your computer and say something else about manga. Manga, all right.

You're clearly reading. Manga as a term used outside refers to comics I'm closing my computer right now. Published in Japan. You read the first half of the sentence, staring so intently at your computer, lowered the computer, and then finished. Do you want to know the difference between anime and manga?

I don't, but that hasn't stopped you so far during this conversation. So, one second. I'm trying to rack my freaking brain. You're not trying far during this conversation. So. One second. I'm trying to rack my freaking brain. You're not trying to rack your brain. I see you perusing an article. Other magazines. You're clearly reading Wikipedia. Yeah.

You said yeah. One second. So now you just admitted it. Anime. You've gotten so lost in this lie that you've just started reading. I mean. No. I don't think so.

You're gaining cursory knowledge of manga and you're trying to pretend like you're an expert at anime news network you can't even you bish now you're studying and still saying bad things yeah because i the problem is i've been doing like a file find for my brain and it's like pulling up basically like why don't you shut your computer and see if you can focus on you shut your mouth and i'll tell you about anime this is you get so defensive and so contentious the style of hand-drawn computer i don't care what it is anymore i care about what you're doing and our communication breakdown which is clearly it's it's making our it's making our partnership suffer at this point yeah I was just gonna say that

the word anime comes from you were gonna say what? animation that's the most obvious I don't know a thing about anime and I could have said that you really don't?

you think it makes a good podcast when we argue like this? I think it's interesting how much I know about manga. You don't know anything about manga. You've demonstrated that. I know stuff about anime and I know stuff about manga. Now, I honestly have to go to the bathroom

and I'm taking my phone with me because I'm so upset. And when I get back, you can ask me anything about my passion. Honest, I could give you a full day and I'll ask you a question about manga or anime. What's the most popular anime cartoon? Wow. Why don't you just name...

Give me a couple cartoons in the anime style. This is gotcha journalism. You're asking to be asked about it. Yeah. This is what you wanted. What's the question? You said... Name an anime cartoon um

anime the japanese style of animation that anime yes that anime and you're an expert on yeah you said that you knew everything there was and that i could ask you anything about it for yeah um and so far all you've been able to do is loosely define it as Japanese animation. What was that one that was like a fucking breakout hit? If it's a breakout hit, you should be able to know it. Something moon. Something got lost in the moon.

That's really close. I'll almost give it to you for this. Really? But the fact that you could only come up with half of Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon, for example. Don't shout it now like you thought of it. Right. Yeah. Forever Moon, Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon, for example. Don't shout it now like you thought of it. Right. Yeah, Forever Moon, Sailor Moon.

That Forever Moon was not one. Give me one other, but then we really have to move on. You want me to tell you one? No. You just said... One other question about anime. Okay, who's the most... Give me...

I can think of a question. Just name another anime cartoon, I guess. I feel like we already covered that. This is covered ground. Okay, fine. Where did it originate? Oh, China. You are insane.

You suck. Okay, relax, relax, relax. We're all having fun here. No, we're not. We each have hobbies. I'm having a miserable time. You do the dungeons. You don't have a hobby.

And I do the dragons. Your hobby was that you knew about anime, but that was a lie because you didn't know anything about anime. Yeah, anime. Oh, remember that song that goes, eat the cake, anime. Said, eat the cake, anime. I'm nice. Yes. Drunk in love. So why do you think that makes you know

anything about anime well that's just another example of it no it's not okay that's an example of it being referenced in pop culture but you it's clear now you're in a sour mood and i get that because you don't have this are you into hen hentai porn? Is that what it is? I do. Anime porn, that type of shit. Is hentai the porn? I actually am not sure. Yeah.

Is hentai the porn and anime is the non-porn? The style, yeah. So if you're seeing like an octopus fuck a Japanese schoolboy. Yeah, that's probably hentai. That's hentai. Yeah. Are you anti-hentai? No, I'm pro-hentai.

It sounds like you might be only into hentai and less so into the anime. I'm into bow ties. Not really into manga. I'm anti-bow ties, pro-hentai. Really? Yeah. Why are you anti-bow ties?

It just, it feels like it chokes me. Whereas hentai releases me. So yeah, that's porn. You are jerking off to the hentai yes specifically the octopus one where he's eating out whatever an animated person i don't even want to gender qualify the octopus has eight different tentacles and it's using its tongue to go down on somebody and you would not believe. What part is that where the octopus is just letting all of his phalanges go to waste? It's a famous photo that I'm looking to get made for my bedroom. Like framing it? Exactly right.

You're a liar. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir, a.k.a. Chaz. No. And you? I'm Jake. internet hosted by us i'm amir aka chaz no and you i'm jake and you're not chaz all right well um this actually is a perfect segue into the first question that we have which was written to me um by someone we'll call manga we'll call. Manga. Will call? Will. Nice. We'll call. Yeah.

Manga. Will call. Like you had a ticket to it. It's the subject is, is my girlfriend racist, dot, dot, dot, against me? Oh. I've been going out with my GF for three months now, starting to take a little, and it's starting to get a little serious, and it's going great, except for one thing. Every now and again, she says a remark about me that makes me think, hey, that's kind of racist.

I'm a pretty handsome and jacked half Asian fellow. And she'll often say things like, you're so good looking for an Asian. Or the first time we got together, she told me, my friends couldn't believe I got with an Asian guy. But then I showed them your photo and they were like, oh, I've talked to her about it. And she is just like, I'm not usually attracted to Asian guys, which I guess is fair. And she wouldn't be going out with me if she was racist. I guess my question is, am I being paranoid, or does my girlfriend suck? P.S., I've attached a topless photo of me to prove that I'm jacked.

This is his photo. He is jacked. Yeah, he's very jacked. Wow. He's a hot guy. Yeah. I mean, it's just, he's huge. Well, for an Asian.

Big, yeah, obviously for an asian everything we're saying is technically for an asian uh so do you think manga has a point here is his girlfriend racist yeah that was racist thing to say it's racist i mean you're hot for an asian and my friends thought that i would never hook up with an Asian. Guys. Then I showed a photo of you. Yeah. And they were like, oh. I'm like, I'm less, I'm more confused about like, I'm not usually attracted to Asian people because that sounds racist.

But then like, it's not really racist to say like, I don't usually like Mexican food. Like, I don't, I think that's, I do think it's racist, I guess. I'll say it's casual racism. It's not like X is bad. It's like, I'm usually not attracted to X. Yeah. I think, I'd love to talk to an expert on that, but the, you're attractive for an Asian is definitely racist.

Yeah, because it's like most Asians are unattractive is the subtext to that. And as an Asian myself, because Israel, as you know, is technically in Asia, I find great offense to that. Wow. You're Asian? That's right. You're pretty attractive. For anyone. Oh, so you're not racist.

You're just mean to me. You're pretty attractive for you, I guess. I say you're attractive for anybody. Out of all the people in the world. That's really humanist, actually. Really? You're saying most people are ugly? Yes.

Would you say the average person is average? Or the average person is ugly? Ooh. I guess the average person is ugly. And even to me, the hottest people is ugly. Ooh. I guess the average person is ugly. And even to me, the hottest people are ugly. Yeah. How's that?

Well, I think humanity is despicable. Do you think there's an example of a hot person? I can see where your brain is going. I already know what you're going to say. You think you're the only hot person. I mean, I'm pretty cute. Exactly. I think I'm hot.

Hell, yeah, I think I'm hot. You said hot people are ugly because all of humanity is bad. Well, I'm fine. I asked you who the hottest person was. I'm good. And I saw you stare with a content face on your head and trying to figure out the most tactful way to say that you're the hottest person on earth. It's weird to bring up,

but yeah, I think I'm the hottest guy in the world. I agree, it is weird to bring up. And I feel like I shouldn't have to say that. That's not on me. You shouldn't and you couldn't say that. I think it's nice that other people think that. They don't. And obviously I'm not going to be like,

hey, you're crazy. They don't think they are. I think they's nice that other people think that. They don't. And obviously I'm not going to be like, hey, you're crazy. They don't. Because I don't think they are. I think they're crazy. If someone thinks that, which they don't. When I walk down the street and people are like, there goes the best looking guy in the world, I don't lower my ball cap and be like, don't talk to you. I usually wave. You're wearing a hat.

I'm nice. You're wearing a hat and you think that? I take a selfie, et cetera. Any of the people that think I'm the best looking person in the world. And that's what they'll say? Well, because we have a like, we're like-minded in that. So we have a strong bond

and a kinship formed right off the bat. So the thing that you have in common with some fans of yours is that they both think that you're the hottest person. We all think that I'm the hottest person in the world. And then it's also nice to agree that they're ugly to me and to themselves and to others. And I don't think we need to get into the weeds on this too much. Of course.

But everyone on earth is- Coming across as crass. Right. Everyone on earth is ugly except for you. That's where I was going. I wouldn't have said it in exactly those words. You weren't going there's where I was going. I wouldn't have said it in exactly those words. You weren't going there. You were already there. I wouldn't have said it exactly like that. Yes, you did.

You already have said it exactly like that. You made it a little uncouth. No, I did not. You did make it a little uncouth. Me talking about it? I think everyone is ugly in the world except for me, and I think I'm really hot. And if that makes me a shitty guy...

It does. That attitude is specifically shitty. Because you're not giving anyone else even an average quality. You're saying they're all bad, and you're really, really good. If I can finish, because I think that you might actually come to see this from my perspective. I was just going to say, if that makes me a shitty guy, then I don't give a fuck, and you can fuck off. Which is kind of, in a vacuum, that's a cool confidence statement. gonna say if that makes me a shitty guy then i don't give a fuck and you can fuck off which is like kind of in a vacuum that's a cool confidence statement yeah but the way you're saying it now

makes me think that you're a bad guy so on a scale of one to ten everyone on earth is a one no i would never and okay that's where i'm is i think they're a one two or three three max obviously i'll pour yeah and lower third i'm a 10 would you say there's a situation where maybe you're not perfect you're a nine or an eight because of your personality or something that you would change about yourself that's a cool question i like that question but no um maybe are you talking about just like you didn't consider personality but well definitely personality because personality i would be asshole personality there are days when I haven't had my coffee and I'll start at like a nine. No, I'm a 10 then too.

You're not nice. I'm always a 10. You're not nice. Right? Sorry. And physically, do you think there's an area about yourself that you can improve? Okay. I have a pudgy waist and a big nose and crooked teeth.

Those are all negatives. So give yourself at least minus one for each. No. Ten? No, ten. Yeah. All right, you're a ten. What about this guy?

His girlfriend's racist. Low key, but he should still have a conversation. Yeah, because he's half Asian. Imagine if he was a whole Asian, how offended he would be. So you're saying you can still keep... Yeah, maybe she's doing it by accident. She's not like a huge piece of shit and you have to dump her, but she's acting shitty and you have to teach her.

Well, that's really nice. Thank you. That was very concise. Would you say that makes me a 10? I would say that makes your answer a 9. Awesome. And in terms of my looks? 6.

Oh, my God. Just hearing it. Let's give me a guy's name here. A guy's name. This guy's not half Asian. How about frigging Trent? What? Trent.

Can you imagine? The biggest size at Starbucks? Oh, man. As a frickin' name? I'm gonna name my kid Trent. That's cool. Like Trent Dilfer. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, guys. My name is Trent. Alright. And I legit need some help. I'm delivering pizzas

for the summer, and my manager at my store is a lesbian. The not hot kind. She hired her girlfriend as the assistant manager. She's deece. My birthday recently passed and as the assistant manager was leaving the store, she said quietly I could

call her for birthday sex. It's entirely possible she was joking but I look awesome so why wouldn't she want a bone, you know? So, on the night of my birthday, I drank a bottle of Tennessee Honey Jack, and in a browned-out state, I called her at 2-0-9, naturally. She did not answer, but I was informed in the morning that it woke both of them up. The manager texted me asking like, what the fuck? And I said my friend took my phone and was playing around. I don't think they bought it.

Now my lesbian boss thinks I drunkenly called her girlfriend at 2 in the morning because I did. And it's super awkward at work. She thinks that because you did. Yes. She knows that. She thinks the truth. She thinks the because you did. Yes. She knows that. She thinks the truth. She thinks the truth and knows it to be truth. So what should I do?

Love, Trent. Trent. Trent here got caught dick-handed. He browned himself out and he called his boss's girlfriend. Yeah, boss's girlfriend made a salacious joke. I think there was like something to the joke. You don't think she would just make the joke completely out of the blue?

Yeah, but I think, if anything, what was meant by the joke was that you can flirt with me and I'll flirt back, and our flirtatious relationship can grow, not actually call me drunk on your birthday and we'll have sex. Of course. So he took it too far. What if it was a guy? So his girlfriend or his manager is still a lady and the assistant manager is a dude. And on his way out was like, hey, call me for birthday sex you think that would be him flirting with him because this girl's also just uh attracted to only female so maybe she

thought of it as such an out of the hand you don't know out of the possibility he says his boss is a lesbian but she has a girlfriend her girlfriend could be bisexual could be but so could a guy yeah so i'm so i guess it could be saying there's a chance that she was completely kidding, not even joking a little bit. Or not even serious a little bit. Yes, but I think also it's such a weird joke to make that I think that there's a kernel of truth there. You can call me for birthday sex. What about a website where people can sign up for birthday sex? So like you could post a picture of yourself and like, hey, my birthday is August 5th.

If anyone wants to give me birthday sex. It's sort of like a Kickstarter. Yeah, because you're not getting paid, so it's not a money transaction. It's just like. It's a donation. Yeah, it's a volunteer prostitution type situation where people are willing to fuck you on your birthday to make you feel better. I dislike it. And I do see that you signed up yes the square space is up wow yeah i can has birthday sex.edu the hard part was getting myself college accreditation

which took very long but i am an official university called I Can Has Birthday Sex University. You enrolled in DeVry for this, the EDU. My college is enrolled in DeVry. So what should I do, this guy asks? I think that there's a chance that you're just insecure because you know what you did, but I think your lie probably worked. He said, like I was drunk, my friend was fooling around on my phone.

Yeah, and he called the girl that said birthday sex? Yeah. Maybe the friend knew about the offer. Right. And now at 2.09, the horniest time, 2.09 a.m. The witching hour. The thirst.m. The witching hour. The thirsting hour. The thirsting hour, indeed.

Your friend took the phone and played a little goof around. Fortunately, he didn't leave a voicemail. Fortunately, it was just one call. You have to buy the lie. It's not a lie if you believe it. That's right. Buy the lie. So buy your lie. Buy a lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Buy a lie if you believe it. That's right, buy the lie. So buy your lie.

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Exactly. Eons, at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. It's time for some... Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. My unsolicited advice Is unsolicited advice That I took from someone And I honestly forgot who it was

Because it was years ago and I read it on the internet So I hope to one day figure out Who it was again But the uns ago and I read it on the internet. So I hope to one day figure out who it was again. But the unsolicited advice that I'm taking, using, and passing on to you and the listeners right now is never correct anybody. Think about that for a second. Don't ever correct anybody. You do that all the time.

I know. And I shouldn't. You said you were going to, you said you'd take the advice. Imagine how many times I'm actually not correcting people because either one, you're right. And you come off as an asshole or two, you're wrong. And then you're just a jack asshole. Yeah. Yeah. So you're either a jackass hole or regular asshole the hard part is if somebody's like yeah i was there i got there at four and i left there like four hours later so at 9 p.m would you have the fortitude in you to not say actually it was 8 p.m would you let it slide probably you have to be able to let it slide even if it's like something so noticeable and quantifiable and it's just something so noticeable and quantifiable.

It's just hard for me to like square the circle of you giving this advice. You correct people more than anybody I know. That's actually not true. Yeah, I've been keeping tabs and somebody else corrects people more. I thought that was interesting. Never correct anybody it's you do feel necessary like you you it's some sort of weird obligation like if i'm like i was driving through the capital of tennessee you know knoxville i don't know what the capital

is what is the capital it's knoxville is it no i don't know nashville all right let's here's a more blatant example i was driving through the capital of California, Davis. Nashville. Yeah. Do you have it in you to be such a big person that you don't say, it's Sacramento? Because what is that? I think it depends. I feel like everybody has a threshold.

And there are people that have very low thresholds. Like you need to say it. Nothing goes by me. Yeah. Like who who oh you mean whom oh yeah you mean amir and i the whom nazis like the the little ones i think that's i think that's very annoying because sometimes i'm just like talking to somebody that corrects me like did like that correct or is it just a little different yeah that was a you know like it a detail. It's so superfluous. Or it's an opinion-based one. That's even worse.

But then sometimes it could be dangerous. So I'm going the speed limit, 95. Well, actually, the speed limit is 65. You're putting yourself at risk. Yeah, I guess there are excelsions to the rule. Every rule has an excelsion. I feel like there are times when I go like the extreme other way, like where I like don't correct people and I inconvenience them. Oh,

where somebody is like, Oh yeah, like my flight's at three. So I should probably leave at like one 30 and I'll be like, yeah, that'll work. That should work. You'll be fine. You should leave at 1230.

And they're like, are you sure that should be fine? And you're like, yeah, if that's what you think, like, you should leave at 1230. And they're like, are you sure that should be fine? And you're like, yeah, if that's what you think. They're like, yeah, I think it'll only take me eight minutes to get to the airport. Is that true to you? Correct me, chicken. So that's my piece of unsolicited advice. I like that.

Yeah, people will like you more if you are never correct. If you don't admonish them. Never, ever correct them. We're going to Europe. We deserve to say it is now about a month away. Let us not forget. June 4th in Amsterdam. June 6th in London.

Show is sold out. June 10th in Dublin. Show is not sold out. If you live in London and you wanted to see us, but you can't, get on our flight from London to Dublin. We should post that online so we can turn it into some you can't. Get on our flight from London to Dublin. We should post that online so we can turn it into some sort of party. Just post our flight. Yeah.

So like we're flying easy jet or whatever. That'd be really funny. London to Dublin. This flight. Join us. Harass me. Yeah. Harass me and sass me.

Correct me. And we could go straight from that plane straight to Coppers. We could parachute out. Yeah. So from London, fly with us to Dublin. Yeah. We go to Coppers. Then we do the show hungover together on Sunday.

That's right. So it's June 4th in Amsterdam, June 6th in London, and June 38th in Dublin. And we'll be posting our flight information where? To Google.com. All right, sweet. Chucks out. Tickets for all those shows, ticket information is at ifirewshow.com

or jakeandamirrors.com. jakeandamirrors.com. Jake and what? Are you going to correct me? You made another website? I was trying to mess up so you could correctirs.com. jakeandamirs.com. Jake and what? Are you going to correct me? You made another website? I was trying to mess up so you could correct me. Ooh. But that one would be important.

Yeah. That's my low threshold. All right. Let's try to answer some more questions here. Oh, here's a good one. Go for it. We'll call this guy Guy. Nice.

Because he is a guy. We've definitely called someone Guy before, right? Yeah. For sure. I learned something kind of disturbing about a friend of mine, writes Guy. He's getting married in five months and just admitted that when he and his fiance have sex, she makes him pull out and come on his own hand, even though she's on birth control.

I understand wanting to be precautious and everything, but why are the stomach or back off limits? Why must this guy have to resort to coming in his own hands after sex? This is just demeaning, and I have no idea how someone could let things get to this point I just want to tell this guy That this is not normal And it's a sign of bad things to come But to be totally honest

I really don't like this guy So why would I want to interfere with his personal life Still I feel like if things continue to go like this He could live the rest of his life Very unhappily If you guys were in his shoes, would you gladly take it onto your

own hands or put this girl on blast? And if you were me, would you intervene or let this guy make what could possibly be a huge mistake? Ta-da! And seize the cheese love guy. Alright, guy. Nice eye, guy.

You're a bad guy. I don't think he's a bad guy. He's consulting us. He hasn't done anything yet. He just learned something personal. I think the fact that he even thinks these things is bad. Oh, so you're saying he's bad just for thinking it. That's when you're really stuck.

There's nothing demeaning about coming into your own hand, like pulling out and not coming on someone. But what about the fact that she's making him come into his hand? She's probably just saying, don't come on me. So that's fine. Don't come on me is one thing, but don't come on anything but your own hand. Maybe he could come into the sheets. Maybe he could come somewhere else.

But she's like, don't do that. It really has to be your hand. Well, then, yeah. If he doesn't have another solution. Then the what? Then he comes in his hand. But what if the girl is demanding the guy comes in his own hand, specifically? No Kleenex. towel no sheet no foul

no place on earth i to come on my man but the slick little wrists on your rubbery hand weird limerick if she is saying you cannot come, you cannot come on my back, you cannot come in my crack. In my rack. You cannot come on my box. You cannot come on a box. You cannot come there, Sam, I guy. You cannot come there, Sam, I am.

You must come in your hand. Nice. So I think even that is still fine because he doesn't have to have sex with her. Dr. Poose. But like, I don't think that that's where, I don't think that that's what it is. I think it's just somebody who doesn't like semen, who's saying, don't come in me, don't come on me. You figure it out.

So he's coming into his hand which is i guess the third best thing which is still pretty good have you ever done that come into my hand yeah of course i've never come onto my hand what during sex yeah i've never come onto my hand i'm sorry to hear that it's okay it's so you're on this dude's side. You think it's unacceptable. He shouldn't have to come in his own hand. I don't think it's unacceptable. But I do think it's a little odd that the girlfriend is making him come in his hand. She's not necessarily making him come in his hand.

We just don't know. And I think that this is this guy's place. You can reasonably assume. I want this guy to really delve deeper. And I think that this is this guy's place. You can reasonably assume. I want this guy to really delve deeper. And I think it needs to be via a prank call. This is so far from, okay, what? You call the girl, not the guy. Obviously the guy's going to lie about it to protect his main lover.

So you call the fiance and you say, hey, this is Women in the Wheeze, part of a morning time radio show in Kansas City. We have a whack, whack, wacky question for you. Click. Hello? All right. Holy shit. How'd she know? That's fair.

Wacka, wacka. I honestly thought that would work. Call again. All right. Hi, this is a repairman. Do you come in your hand and why? I guess the answer either way is don't intervene. Don't correct anyone.

It's not, oh, there we go. Don't correct him. It's also a guy that you don't even necessarily like. So what's the pressure here? Well, I mean, if anything, this is something you would do to someone you didn't like. This is not behavior that is becoming of a friend, I don't think. Oh, so because you don't like him, then you can find out, get to the bottom of it, like some sort of perverted Robin Hood, try to right this wrong. You're a vigilante of yourself.

Did the friend, like, he didn't necessarily say like, she makes me come in my hand and i don't like it and i wish i didn't have to and it makes me sad like then it's worth being like well you should talk to her about that you should have a conversation if he came to you looking for advice then say then encourage them to talk but if he's just like yeah the sex is great. I come in my hand. High five. Then it's not a big deal you're saying. I don't think it's a big deal, regardless. All right. So would you gladly take it onto your own hands or put this girl on blast?

It sounds like gladly take it onto your own hands. And if you were me, would you intervene? We're both saying no. No. Don't intervene. Another question? Oh, yeah. Let's get to it.

Number four. Hell, yeah. Good team. It's from another guy. Oh, yes. Let's go. We'll call this guy Mississippi because he's moving to Mississippi.

The capital of Mississippi? Of course. It's Mississippi City, USA's moving to Mississippi. The capital of Mississippi? Of course, is Mississippi City, USA. Way to go. Jackson. Hey, guys, I could really use some advice. I'm moving to Mississippi in the fall for graduate school, and my girlfriend is going to come with me, and we're going to get a one-bedroom apartment together.

The problem is my girlfriend is trying to get into dental school, and she's been waitlisted at her Plan B school and won't know 100% whether she is rejected or not until the fall i'm trying to plan a life for us and i really need to know if she's in or she's out i've voiced my concerns and she's made it very clear to me that if she gets into her dental school uh and that dental school invites her in the last minute she's going to accept their offer and leave me stuck with a crazy expensive rent in a one-bedroom apartment. If she isn't going to be in Mississippi with me,

I would rather live with a roommate than alone, but I might end up getting stuck in a really bad living situation if she bails on me last minute. What do I do? Do I insist that she make up her mind prior to the move so that I can plan my living situation accordingly? We've been together for almost three years and we agreed to do long distance if she

ends up going to dental school in a different state this year. Love, Mississippi. Well, Mississippi, this is a very self-centered question. Well, Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. I hate to come at everybody this episode, but criminy. What are you going to tell them? I don't think it's fair that he's like making his girlfriend's dental school plans take a backseat to his plans. He's making her conform to everything that he's got in the docket or in the tank or in the whatever it is. The plan, the agenda, the calendar, the cards. The problem is she's saying, don't get a roommate yet.

So he can be like, all right, why don't we just plan on not living together? If you get into your dental school, that's good. If not, you'll get a one bedroom by yourself. Because then she's inconveniencing him. Yeah, I think that this is an inconvenient situation, but I don't think that she's inconveniencing him because he could also be inconveniencing her. He's moving to Mississippi before she finds out about dental school.

So she's like there's it's not fair to be like what you've done is inconvenienced us. What's happening is inconvenient to both of you. So now it happens to be going through her because of her dental school but it also i mean look at it from her perspective she's waiting to hear if she got into dental school she's hanging she's finding out where it is and then there's a like her boyfriend just finds out that he's got to go to grad school and he has to move to mississippi and he has to do it now yeah that's inconvenient to her so what's the best way to uh to go around this what's the what's a win-win or at the very least an equal lose-lose situation?

Well, first of all, come on, don't be a dentist. After that. You're an orthodontist. Periodontist. So I study gums, mom. Here's what you do, I think. You go short-term sublet. At your place or until you get a one-bedroom together?

Either way. You could go vacation rental, like a short-term roommate situation where you can either potentially extend or move out and find your own place if she or a new like a longer term roommate if she gets into dental school or then if you find out

that she did not get into dental school or got into dental school in Mississippi then you can get the place together but you need an interim living solution

a short term rental situation yeah so you do short term Airbnb style month to month shit until she figures out her shit. A sublet. And then you do the permanent solution. Yeah.

How much can a one-bedroom in Mississippi cost? $4 a month and a can of beans? I mean, it's so—literally, it's so stupid down there that I wouldn't be surprised if they paid honest to God with beans. Like, I was joking earlier. I saw. I'm on Craigslist right now. You are on Craigslist. I can see your wallet.

And it is, you've got, you have black beans, kidney beans. Yep, limas, yeah. There is a refried bean paste. I'm hoping. I'm hoping to God to make the big move. You only have beans. To Oxford, God willing. You don't have cash.

You have beans. Have you ever had to find a roommate? I fortunately avoided that. I've always lived with friends or loved ones. I've never Craigslisted it up. Yeah, I've never had to find a roommate that I did not know. There was a time where I thought I might, but I was looking for single places to live and roommate and shares like

at the same time. Yeah. And I ended up without a stranger roommate. God, what a scary situation that is. Like, have you ever sold anything on Craigslist? The people you meet on there are just the bizarrest.

I sold a whole bunch of people. You've sold people? I sold people. I sold two people. I sold Craig. No of people. You've sold people? I sold people. I sold two people. I sold Craig. No, no, no. I didn't sell people. I sold two people.

There's two people max. Yeah, that's a lot. Fine, I sold three people. That's still people. I sold things to people on Craig's list. Can you imagine living with them? You helped me move the couch with one of those people. Excuse me?

Remember we moved the couch from my house To that guy's house He was nice That was your cousin No no no he was from Craigslist What the fuck are you talking about Oh wow you're throwing up I moved the couch

Into his fucking house Man And what You made me sound like I said you fucked your sister or something. I think I'm going to be sick. I think you ate too many beans. I ate 40 beans. I ate a 40-bean salad earlier.

That's actually not that many. It isn't, and that's why I feel so anemic. I think I need the fucking fiber or something about it. Yeah, Craigslist is a weird place. I'd hate to find a roommate on it, which is why my other idea for a website is normalroommates.edu. It's another school I'm starting. Why do you keep on starting schools? I feel like there's a lot of money to be had in educational institutions because, and I

say this without not knowing anything, they don't have to pay taxes. I'm fucking serious. I really think they don't. I don't think they have to pay taxes, man. I don't think they don't do taxes. Yo, Serge, dude, let's start a fucking church, dude. I swear, man.

Yo, man, I want to run a nonprofit with you, dude. Let's make a difference, dude. I want to make a difference in people's lives, dude. I just want to be a positive example. I want people to look up to me as a role model, dude. I want to make a difference in people's lives, dude. I just want to be a positive example. I want people to look up to me as a role model, man. I'm serious, dude. Surge, man. Let's make a change in the world.

Be the change you want to be, dude. I look in the mirror and I'm like, what did I do today to help society, Surge? I want to live in the light, man. What? Yeah, dude. I want to live in the light. What does that mean, dude? I want to stand in my truth, Surge.

Stand in your truth? I've been doing self help shit Serge Listening to books on tape On the way to church man And I really think I could be the positive change That I want to see in the world man Starts with the man in the mirror I'm sick of looking outward

I gotta look inward dude Oh Serge dude I'm gonna get a pinky ring too man What? So in addition to volunteer work And starting a nonprofit, you want to buy. I also want small jewelry, man. Why small? What are you talking about? Because pinkies aren't that big, dude.

What? Pinkies aren't that big, dude. You want a small little ring on a pinky finger. I want a small ring on my pinky, on my smallest finger. How much is that gonna cost you, man? A thousand dollars. You want to volunteer and spend a thousand

dollars on a small little pinky ring? It might be bejeweled, man. What? It's gonna be bejeweled. I know it's gonna be bejeweled. That's why it'll be a thousand dollars, man. As opposed to what? Solid gold, man. Solid gold pinky band. Yeah, man. Solid gold pinky band. Yeah, man.

Fuck you. I'm not doing anything you suggested. The change, the positive things. Dude, you're going off the rails, man. Sorry about that. You're right. All right, let's volunteer. All right, four questions.

I think that was a solid work, solid app. We can all be proud of this one. Oh, yeah. This one's for the record books. Yeah, this was a good one. This was a solid solid work solid app we can all be proud of this one oh yeah this was ones for the record books yeah this was a good one this was a hall of famer this one will go down in history as one of the most newest podcasts of of this week yeah for the next week this is by far our newest episode ever wow until the next one comes out for sure and this and then it will fall to the second newest, which is still pretty good. Yeah, top two.

And then who knows what happens after that. It might be in the top two forever. Because I'm going to fucking blow my brains out on May 15th. How's that? The Ides of May, bitch. Actually, Ides is the 14th of every month. Wow.

Gotcha. Uh, all right. Opening theme song was written by that manga man, the duo. And this closing one was written by Claire, who made a sweet theme song for us. This is her second theme song for us. Thank you. Thank you, Claire.

She raps a shit ton in this one. It's very exciting. D exciting oh she's actually a professional volunteer so how's that for uh apropos you deserve a thank you ring man i serious claire uh so thank you claire thanks to the mangan men thanks to you guys for listening thanks for everybody that's coming to our shows in london and amsterdam and dublin Yeah. And we will be back this time next week. Unless you're listening to this episode of The Way, Way Future, in which case you can listen to a bunch of more episodes

as soon as possible, as soon as you want. Sky's the limit. Enjoy. Have at it. Do it. To it. Good night. Good fight.

Good night. Good week. We out. Peace. Peace. Hey. So, I have this this problem and it's really embarrassing i feel so confused and maybe turned on i need some help can i talk to you about it please no look there are things for this do i look like your mom or a therapist hey i know living bear and it makes you pissed help you no i No, I won't, but I'll offer this. Ugh.

There's a show on Spotify every Monday night hosted by two guys I'll never ask for who's and only tell you why, cause we're odd as fuck and extremely shy. Uh-huh. I can tell by your face you're upset, but it's the only show on the internet by Jake and Amir that the best duet. What the fuck is it called? You haven't told me yet. Calm down, that is what I'm gonna do. It's from HeadGum

called If I Were You. To have your questions up, send them to, then wait a year until your email's viewed. Um, this is kind of urgent. Sorry, good things take time. That was a HeadGum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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