Segments - 329: Instagram Jealousy

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

In this episode we discuss Hollywood, DM's, and Simon & Garfunkel. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They're taking their time Making L&H season two Give me a yes Dude, hey, did I mention It's Jake and Shmoo you're making a podcast jake and shmoo you're making a podcast okay jack yeah jack i see what you're doing there. Simon and Garfunkel were the goats.

They absolutely were the goats for songs that make you feel pretty good. Yeah. Catchy, good, fun, happiness. Yeah, except for that song called The Only Living Boy in New York, which is a little sad. Yeah, but even that is like, it's catchy. And even though it's sad, it's like melancholy but also kind of like makes you move around. I think that's why it's such a great song.

What's your favorite Simon and Garfunkel tune? Ooh, Homeward Bound. How does that one go? Home, where my thoughts are taking home. That's good. What's yours? Oh, thanks for asking. Never mind, who's this guy?

Mine's a pretty rare B-side. Yeah, not a lot of people know my favorite Simon and Garfunkel, but I guess that makes me cool. Yeah, sure. Yeah, a lot of people have a cursory understanding of music. Yeah, they know the hits. They know Cecilia. Yeah.

Cecilia is an easy one, and if you like it, you're fine. Right, they know Silence of Silence. They the shit that I like is like pretty. They know Bridge Over Troubled Water. So what's, oh, it sounds like maybe it was Bridge Over Troubled Water. How's that? Yeah. That one's famous. That one's pretty famous.

Really? I barely like it. It's fine if you like it, and it's famous. I think it's good, but it's a little too popular for me. You can like things that are good. Cecilia. That's another really famous one. Really? me. You can like things that are good. Cecilia. That's another really famous one.

Really? Yeah. Which is the one that goes, Mama pajama rolled out of bed at a police station. Isn't that the one we just listened to? Yeah. Mia and Julio down by the schoolyard? Yeah, but I'm saying that I like it. You like Mrs. Robinson?

I like Mrs. Robinson a lot. That one's one of their most famous songs. But I like it on a different level. A lot of people are like, that's a good tune and fun lyrics. So what level do you like it at? Do you get how it's actually about some shit that's going down between him and Mrs. Robinson? Of course. Okay, do you know who Jolton Joe is?

When it goes, Jolton Joe has left. Yeah, it's Joe DiMaggio. Really? Later in the song they say, where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Okay. Oh, yeah. Before that they say that. They say, where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

Jolton Joe has left and gone away. Okay. Yeah, I thought it was Joe LaTrulia. So you asked me if I knew who Jolton Joe was and you had the wrong answer. I'm saying I like the fucking song. Actually, the Lemonheads cover is better. Then you don't like the song.

I don't like Simon and Garfunkel, but I like the song. You said you like Simon and Garfunkel B-sides. So you just like pop punk covers. I do. I like pop punk covers. That's also not unique. I think it's kind of cool, though. Like, a lot of cool people don't like it.

Yeah, well, it's bad. They're bad. They're, like, notoriously dumb. I feel like we're getting way off point here. All I'm trying to say is that I'm cool. And like that's getting lost in translation. Yes, you have been trying to say that. And it hasn't gotten lost in translation.

It has just been like disproven. Kodachrome. Yibish. Sorry? Kodachrome. The song. That's a, okay. Give me the night's bright colors.

I don't know that one. I didn't think so. But just because you know it doesn't make you cool. Yikes. Because you're trying so hard. That's a good one. Buy the shirt, go to a concert. Cash me outside on my Zune.

Sorry, what's your name? I, I'm Sydney. on my Zune. What's your name? I am Sydney. Is something wrong with your teeth? Yes. Or your lips? I only talk using my bottom teeth. And you like pop punk covers. That's correct.

And you have a Zune. Yes. I have a Zune. And you can catch me outside of most concert venues because that's where the music's free. Do you like the 99 Red Balloons cover? I like, yeah, I like the one that's not in German. Okay.

Hmm? I didn't say anything, Sidney. I have a heart of hearing due to a water balloon accident. You have a heart of hearing? Yeah, and a heart of gold. Sale. Jack writes, if you happen to use this, please

plug my political satire website, United We Fall. Nice. I hope it doesn't skew left of center. I would hate for it to be a liberal mag rag. So thanks to Jack for writing that. He sounded British. Maybe he is. I don't know.

Alright, what is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host Abamir. I'm Jake. Busy week, but we'll always have time to record this show. Oh, we can't escape it at all. Only barely though. 5.30 on a Friday. Just getting into it. Why not?

We pushed and we pushed and we pushed and Shabbat is almost here and we have to get the recording in before then. Does Elijah come on Shabbat or only Passover? Only Passover. All right. Good question, though. What's he doing the rest of the year? He's sort of...

Tiddling his dick? I'm serious. So he's actually... What is Elijah doing? He's a very important prophet. I'm sorry. So the fact that you're alluding to the fact that he's twiddling his dick is incredibly offensive. I'm sorry about that.

I didn't realize that. I didn't know that he was so important to your religion. I thought he was, honestly, I thought he was spending most of the year twiddling his dick. He's not spending most of the year twiddling his dick. Because I didn't know how many nights Passover was. Passover's eight. And does he come every night or just the last night? He comes during the Seder night.

So only once. Correct. So that means 365 days a year the dude is twiddling his dick. It means 364 days a year we're preparing for his arrival because he's doing something a lot more important than twiddling his dick. I swear to God he's edgy. I know this dude. Here's a funny email we got with a great title. It says, Koi Scenario from Goy, Ontario.

Thoughts? There's a place called Goy? No, it's just Ontario, but he's a Goy. I see. So he's saying this is a Koi Scenario from Koi, Ontario. He actually gave a fake name for us. So? Let's hear it.

Hey, gents, I've got a problem for you. I am a high school student in Canada, and we have a French language test that happens for seniors. I just did mine, and I did the test with an absolute smoke show dime piece goddess Athena type. She shot me a few very coy looks a couple times, but we didn't talk. I, however, subtly picked up her name from a student sheet, and I looked up her socials. Here's the dilemma. We've got next to no mutuals. We have no reason

to know each other, so it'll definitely be weird for her to get a random follow from me so should i seize this squeeze or will that be an ease i'll do as you please thanks tick dickler tick dickler writes should he quote unquote cyber stock this lady he already has cyber stocked her yes he just needs to know if he should pull the trigger in a way that will reveal himself. Yeah. Is it creepy or is it fine on the day? It's creepy. It's creepy, but it's creepy.

There's like certain level of creep that is acceptable. Yeah. Is it acceptable creep? If she's private and you have to request her, that feels like a lot. Because then it's like showing up at her Instagram door and it was like, Oh, hello. I believe we've met before. I stole your name from the test exam and I stalked your socials. You're private to keep other creepy pervs at bay, but clearly you let me in, right?

I've done stuff like that because sometimes Instagram gives you like suggested follows oh you think he can blame it on that if they have even one to two mutuals he said next to no mutuals next to no that's not no oh you're saying oh i just happened into your instagram profile that's funny yeah or how about this he can do it because there's nothing to lose. There are no, yeah, because like the consequence. What's the risk? Yeah. The risk is she says no and you're back to where you are now. Or you could just go for it.

Basically, if you're an attractive person, it's not creepy. Like if a local hot did this to me, I'd be excited. And if somebody that I didn't like as much did it to me, I wouldn't really think about it very much. Here's something I'd like to posit, and I don't know if I'm right on this, but I think if you're self-aware enough to fret over how creepy it is, then it makes it a little less creepy.

Because I feel like the real creeps are somebody whose goal was to always do this. Oh, if it's fine for you, then you're a creep. Oh, that girl is sexy. And now I'll spy her name and type it into Instagram and request a follow. And I think nothing of it. Oh, yes. That makes you creepy.

The fact that you just like do it like it's nothing. Yeah. But if you like obsess and you're nervous and if you're like, oh, this is insane, but, like, Christ, I like her. She's cute. I don't know. She's going to think I'm crazy. Should I do it? Shouldn't I?

It, like, makes you seem a little more level-headed to me. Yeah. But can you explain that when you request a follow or DM? Oh, no. You can say, oh, this is really creepy. No, I don't think you should do that i'm just sort of giving this guy like the the acknowledgement that i don't think what he's doing is insanely creepy because he has this level of self-awareness around it right so the dm if he does decide to pull the trigger should not reference the creepiness or

is that a good way to diffuse the situation lol this is ha. Feel free to ignore but. I think, well, it depends because I don't think that he should go right to DM. You don't go from like sample test, I see your name, follow DM. Like following is, that's the bullet that you fire. That's the big deal. And then you see if she follows back. You see if she follows back. You see if she likes it. If she does, maybe you like some stuff. You see if she follows back. You see if she likes it. If she does, maybe you like some stuff.

You see if she likes anything. Then you DM. And then you've already liked each other's photos and stuff. Wow. I think eventually you'll have to have the, I know that's creepy conversation. Yeah. It's fun to have those conversations after you realize that you like each other. That was creepy.

It's like, I know, but I'm glad you did it. That kind of thing. It's kind of like a cat. You can't make any sudden movements. You can't DM out of the blue because then they'll get scared. So you follow. All right. No big deal.

We're in the same room. It's cool. It's cool. She follows back. You like a pic. You wait a week. She likes one back. She likes another one.

Ever get the double picture like? That means she's on your profile. Yeah. That means she wants you to see that she's liking stuff likes an old photo. That's dangerous She's moving too fast and you you unfollow. Oh, definitely Oh, you're on block from that and you move to america. This guy's in ontario, right? That's right. Yep Move to the states then follow her with a finstagram. That's a fake instagram Yeah, you gotta have a finstagram and then once she likes your picture back you can then dm or maybe respond to a story although is that a dm that is a dm but responding to a story is a great way to dm you don't have to go like out of the blue like hey i know this is crazy but i saw you at like whatever

then you just wait for her to make a story. You slide. You say, I've been to that restaurant too. It's so good. This is a very fragile, fragile game. The follow, follow back. It is, but that's what makes it so fun that you play on the margins. It's like this game of fucking,

not even inches, but mere centimeters. It's so meticulous. You're so intricate. It's beautiful. it's better than fucking i don't know baseball which is you know overall fine i guess what's like the most uh like what's the word the most like the least amount of good that's still good no like the most um intricate sport oh football is like smash smash get the ball in the No, like the most intricate sport. Oh. Football is like smash, smash, get the ball in the end zone. Yeah, like the most strategy involved. Yeah. Chess? I guess

so, but I still think it's baseball. So you're saying this is better than baseball? I think baseball is great. I would spend three hours eating a hot dog, watching this guy follow this girl on Instagram waiting for that follow back. And what about on Finstagram? I would be a little cautious to spend an entire nine inning event on Finstagram. It's funny how

the games have changed to the point where you don't ask a girl for her number anymore. It seems like nowadays you would ask for her Instagram. Well, and the interesting thing there, which is like I think part of the beginning of the end of our society is that you don't really have to ask anyone for their number. You don't ask anybody for permission to be in touch with them. You can just do it because everybody is searchable. Like if I think somebody is cute, I could find them on Instagram and then I can have contact with them. I didn't need to like inch my, I didn't need to

like woo them or win anybody over and then like earn their contact or like uh prove myself in any way i can you can just creep on to somebody's instagram you don't even have to like know who they are you can look through somebody's likes in one of your friends photos or like look at a comment that somebody else made or a tag photo of some random person you don't know and then you have a direct line to that person. That's kind of crazy. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I don't know if it's good or bad. It's just, it's so different where like your grandparents met because they were in the same town or they went to the same dance before the war. Yeah.

And then you like meet your wife in a night. I want to go back in time and give my great-great-grandfather a fucking hinge account. Can you imagine if daddy Derone Blumenfeld had a hinge? Great-grandfather living in Poland or Romania. I've, you know, explode onto his backyard

with a smartphone. He's holding, I don't know, a rake. Great-grandpappy, I have you off Instagram here. I'd love to swipe with you. You're following Kylie Jenner. How fat is that? You can DM a goddamn Kardashian. Yeah, like you could DM Nicki Minaj.

She wouldn't read it if she doesn't look at those DMs. Of course. But kind of neat. Yeah, but do you think you can, you said if I just see somebody, I can follow them on Instagram. Could you do that if that person was anonymous like a if if if you just see an attractive person in line at a starbucks you'd have to at least know their name yeah i guess you did if that's if you're talking about like seeing somebody that you think is attractive like in the

wild yeah finding them online yeah but all you need to do is find out what their name is first like yeah and then you can get in contact with them i will not first name i think you'd need you'd need both full or first name and the fact about them like where they went to school or where they work so i don't want to like advocate on how to find exactly like how to find people have you done your fair share of cyber stalkery yes i think everybody's done a shameful amount of cyber stalkery yeah because it's uh it's out in the open facebook is a gosh darn rolodex yeah a universal yellow pages that's another thing people used to do maybe it's the white pages oh yeah like if you knew somebody's name you could

like get their phone number and give them a call. That's right. I guess doing that does sound, that sounds like it's creepier because like a lot of creepy behavior these days is a little acceptable. You can follow somebody you don't really know if you think they're cute. Am I in the phone book? Am I in the white pages? Did I have to opt into that or will they just find me and add me to a goddamn directory? I don't know. I think you're in it. I'm in the white pages? Did I have to opt into that? Or will they just find me and add me to a goddamn directory? I don't know. I think you're in it. I'm in the white pages? If you have a landline. And is Hedgum in yellow pages?

Maybe. And my restaurant that I'm opening. The Thai place down on 17th and Grand. Oh yeah, bye bye Miss American Thai. Yeah, is that on Yelp? Yes, and it's doing very poorly. One and a half stars? The creepy pervert that runs the establishment freaks me out. He's often asking for my last name so he can get to quote know me better. The pad see you is also

dry. That makes sense. I guess I'm happy she at least gave me one and a half stars. The service was fine. Just to get back to this guy, you're saying 100% yes, follow, or it's a little creepy. I'm saying it's a little creepy, but I think if you have one person in common, then you can follow because you could fall back on the fact that you got her as a suggested follow. But you don't mention it. I think I would mention it. I would feel too bad. I would have to be like, haha, this is crazy. LOL. I'm sorry. Super creep. But hey, how are you doing? That's so creepy to acknowledge the creep. Isn't it more creepy to not acknowledge the creep? You're just walking in like you own the place.

It's just a follow. It's not a DM. But eventually it'll be a DM. Well, you only DM if she follows you back. like you own the place it's just a follow it's not a dm but eventually it'll be a dm well that's when that's only you only dm if she follows you back so no dm pre-follow yeah follow you follow that's dipping your toe in the water if she doesn't follow you back then get the fuck out of there what were you ever thinking when do you unfollow uh after a month a month at a certain point she did notice that you followed her. Especially if you, like, follow, wait, see if she follows you back. If she doesn't, like a photo.

See if she follows you or likes anything. Nothing. Two photos. Still zero. If she doesn't, then you get the finstagram. Try with a hotter person. See how that goes. Do you see who follows you?

You have too many followers. You don't check who follows you, right? I don't. I mean, sometimes, but no, not really. Yeah. I don't get like individual alerts or anything like that. But sometimes if I like post something, I see. Who likes it?

I don't know. It's hard to say. I don't really look. I wouldn't say I pay attention to it. That's awesome. Who likes it? I don't know. It's hard to say. I don't really look. I wouldn't say I pay attention to it. That's awesome. What about you? I stare daily, updating hourly, recording half hourly. Yeah, you do.

People coming and going. Is that an Excel spreadsheet? Yeah, and so over here is reasons for unfollow, which I'll have to do my own research for. Do you have an exit interview on the unfollow? If you're going to leave me, you better have a good reason for it. So you have everybody's name who follows you, and then also a list of which photos they like. Yeah, and which one got them to leave and why. So these people who look at this, they all like selfies.

And if you posted a selfie and it doesn't get there, like, you'll DM them. Unfollow, DM, refollow. What gives? Yeah, and these are just the bees. I'm scrolling just willy-nilly, large swaths of people being unfollowed. I'm so sad for you. As you should be, as you should be.

As I should be and as I am. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back with some unsolicited advice and some more questions after these messages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky

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I do, but I'm trying to solicit some advice. Oh, so you want unsolicited advice. Yeah. Actually, you want solicited advice. Yes, I'm soliciting advice. Yeah. We're traveling. Yes.

In the next few weeks. Correct. We're traveling. Yes. In the next few weeks. Correct. We're leaving in like two weeks. Yeah, yes. This episode comes out on Monday, May 14th, and we leave on Monday, like on May 30th. Wow. In a few weeks. All right.

So we are, one, going to Iceland. Yes. For Zaddy's bachelor party. And it is just me and you. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's going to be romantic. Followed by our trip to Amsterdam.

Hamsterdam. Hamsterdam where we're doing a live show. That's right. Followed by our trip to London, another live show. Tickets no longer available. And then we're doing a live show in Dublin. Tickets still available. Yes.

Here is my big question. Okay. We have never been to Amsterdam. Neither one of us. Yep. That'll be a good one. Knock it off. Yep. And we're going to spend two or three days in Amsterdam. That's right. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday in Amsterdam. And then we're going to London. Yep. On Wednesday for a show in Wednesday in London. Yes. And we wake up. Thursday. It's Thursday. The show is complete. We don't have a show in Dublin until Sunday. That's right. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

The big four-day weekend, the exciting kind. Correct. Off. Now, what doth we do with those four days? Four days in Europe. Keep in mind, we have been traveling a lot, so we can stay put and explore London for the fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth time. Right. Or we go somewhere else near London for the fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth time. Right.

Or we go somewhere else near London, but far, far away from LA. Yes. So somewhere where we could go for three days and enjoy ourselves. Take advantage of the geolocation. And then go to Dublin from that location. For example. For example, I looked at the city of Brussels. I looked at the city of brussels i looked at the city of edinburgh yes i looked at the isle of man and i will be spending my four days in the isle of man

um also my friend edward lives in portugal oh and i've never been to Lisbon to visit him, much to both of our chagrin, frankly. And dismay. So that's the question, really. Like, do we stay in London or do we use those few days and take in a new sight to see? Yeah. So my fear is the amount of travel we'll be doing. Because you'll be coming from New York to Iceland to Amsterdam to London, and then we'll spend one day in London,

and then you're like, all right, let's go somewhere next, and three days later go to Dublin. Whereas we can just spend some more time in London. I'm sure there's lots of shit we haven't done, though we have been to London a lot. Yeah, that is where I, that's my dilemma too. Like, oh, we should stay in London. London's great. I love London. We haven't explored the whole entire thing. But then also like, when is the next time I'm going to be in Europe? When will I ever go to the Isle of Man?

That's right. How about this? A different city in England. Have you ever been to Hull? No. Have you ever been to Liverpool? No, I've been to Liverpool. I'm going to go there by myself. Really? Yeah. It was Liverpool thing? I'm taking a four-day Beatles extravaganza. Staycation.

A journey of sorts. Yeah. So what about Wales? Wales isn't too far. I've never been to Wales. No. I think? Wales isn't too far. Never been to Wales. No, like I think it would be cool basically. Like it feels like between Iceland and Amsterdam and then our one night in London, we're going to be doing a lot of partying and shit.

Yeah. It might be kind of nice to have like three days just you and I on a romantic little sightseeing thing. Like a nice English countryside. To frigging Cairo. To Tunisia. That's a lot. I don't know. That's a far way to go.

What about Barcelona or Madrid? Well, you went there last time, didn't you? Yeah, Barcelona was fun, but I didn't go to Madrid. Oh, Madrid would be cool. I don't know if you guys have any basically recommendations for us. Three-day recommendations. And just while we're here, this will be my third time to Iceland. So if anybody out there can think of something that I might not have done in Iceland, hit me up with that as well.

Good luck. Yeah. Can we take a chunnel to Paris? We could. A freaking chunnel. We've both been to Paris, though. Yeah, of course we have, but not together. It'd be fun to go to Paris.

I'd love to split a baguette with you, lady, in the tram style. Why don't we have a croissant together on the day? Oui, oui. Yeah, you love croissants. Imagine going to their birthplace. Yeah. Or we can be twerps in Antwerp. I don't know. Tell us where we should go, simply put. If there's a city that you live in.

Also, if we can crash with you. That'd be nice. Just because hotels are prohibitive. This is high travel season. Peak tourism. We'll definitely couch surf. Yeah, well, I'm down to crash. I'm down to crash. I don't even need to see the city. I'll just Netflix and chill with some folks. Give me a sleeping bag and a hard linoleum floor with an air conditioning that won't turn off. A shared bathroom with a stall shower. How about that?

An apartment that reeks of cologne in cologne. Oh, very nice. And then a Frankfurter in cologne. In Frankfurt. Oh, Germany was another fun place that we went. That's right, Berlin. All right, where should we go? Let us know at ifireadys show at gmail.com and come

to the shows amsterdam and dublin still has tickets available you can go to jacob.com to uh book your vacation now maybe you can come with us let's say you live in london but you didn't get tickets to the show why don't you fucking take a vacation with us to amsterdam it's not it's not a far flight it's not insane we're taking the train. That's right. We could do that. That'll be fun. That'll be good.

All right, here's another question from a Canadian. We'll call this man Winnipeg the Jet. Nice. Winnipeg the Jet writes, I write to you from the great north, deep within the frozen middle-ditch breeding tundra that is Canada. And I have a bit of a different question. The king in the North.

And a slightly guilty conscious. Do you ever find it frustrating seeing people succeed with things you want to be doing yourself? I'm a musician who deals with depression, anxiety, and some substance issues. While I feel great, the genuine sense of pride seeing peers make big moves, I'm guilty to admit that it also knocks me down a notch and makes me feel as though I am not enough. How do you two deal with confidence in yourself and your craft? Much love, Winnipeg the Jet.

Ooh, sincere question. Yeah, do you deal with jealousy? And if so, how? Just real quick, I think it'd be really fun to do an episode where we only answered earnest questions like that. We didn't do any jokes. A no joke episode. No joke. Oh, just like the no joke podcast.

Yeah, although they're very funny, so they don't really stick to that name. We could steal their name and execute on the premise. Perfect. Do you deal with jealousy or confidence issues yeah i do i get sometimes when i like hear about somebody selling a tv show that i wish i thought of or like working with a bunch of people like collaborating on something and i like wish i was involved in it i i have like some sort of like jealousy meets FOMO thing that happens. Yeah.

Is it harder when the show is bad or when it's good? Is it like, hey, a friend of mine is in this TV show and it sucks. And I'm like, fuck, they made a sucky show? I could have made a sucky show. Or is it like, hey, your friend's doing something awesome and it's great. And you're like, shit, I wish I had the capability of making an awesome great show probably when it's awesome because like at least when it sucks you have like one like oh i wish i was in a show that was on tv that'd be really cool but at least it sucks so i'm like i can't be that sad can't be that sad

so like when your friend is in a show that's awesome, they're doing really well, and you feel like half happy for them and then half jealous. That's like a worse feeling because you're like, I shouldn't feel jealous. I should feel happy.

Like why? Like you start beating yourself up for feeling that way in the first place. So it's like double the bad. Yeah, it's like how fast can you turn your brain off from feeling jealousy? It's like, all can you turn your brain off from feeling jealousy? It's like, all right, I'm not going to express my jealousy. So he only thinks that I'm happy.

However, I did feel jealousy for a second. Does anybody not feel jealous for a second? Not even a second of jealousy? Like just a twinge? Yeah. You know you have a twinge. Not even a twinge. Are you really twingeless?

You have a twinge. You do. Everyone's got a twinge. Not even a twinge. Are you really twingeless? You have a twinge. You do. Everyone's got the twinge. And then my other question was, oh, yeah, how Hollywood and show business stuff is very fun, but the weird, evil, nasty, bad part of it is that whenever you fail, there's an article that shows you who succeeded and like thousands of people congratulating that more successful person.

So like if you're going for a role or something and it comes down to you and somebody else, you don't know until they announce that person and everyone says how good that decision was. And you know who that person is. Like that doesn't happen in regular jobs. Right. You get passed over for, like, a position or, like, a grad school, I don't know what the hell it is. Like, to be a student somewhere, admitted to a school, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. But do they get a role, a slot?

Yeah, probably a slot or something. Whatever it is, you don't find out the student that, like, got in when you didn't, and everybody is like, they're the smartest ever. Yeah, that person is so much better than you. Hotter, too. I heard some crazy horror stories in Hollywood where somebody got a role. They went to the table read, which is basically

congratulations, everyone here got the role. Now let's read the script together. This'll be fun. This'll be fun. We shoot tomorrow. Not so fast, lead. You weren't good in this practice. You're fired now and replaced. Yeah. So all the articles and

congratulations about you, you have to then go back to everybody when they ask how shooting is going and tell them you weren't good at reading to the point where they had to replace you with somebody else. Oh, and that article about somebody else is coming out. You better believe people will be congratulating that person. And if you're not the lead anymore, they're definitely writing an article

about how you got recast too. Yeah. But the funny thing is that like that happens a lot. So there's like a lot of examples of that that you could point to, but still when it happens to you, it's going to hurt. It's going to feel personal. That happened to some guy before Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. They shot half the movie with this guy. Oh, yeah. What was that guy's name? Eric something? See?

Yeah. Exactly. And then the movie comes out, and it's like, isn't Michael J. Fox the best? He's the goat in this movie. God, can you imagine it with anybody else? Let me look up this guy's name. Yeah, and that's extra sad, especially to the person. Oh, Eric Stoltz.

That's right. They shot several scenes with Eric Stoltz, and he was so bad they had to reshoot it. Imagine that conversation. This isn't going well, is it? We're going to switch you up. Everybody else is doing great except for you, and you get that right.

This idea is perfect. Every actor is amazing. And the production is fine. So we've at least established that everybody deals with some version of what this guy is going through. Yeah, this guy is a musician. How do you cope? How do we cope? One, it helps to think about what you have

you're like you know what I'm not doing that specific awesome thing but certain awesome things are happening to me so you guys are you feel like it's a little harder if you're doing nothing then it's a little harder because you have nothing else to fall back on it helps to at least pretend

to be happy for that person because then you slowly start to trick your mind into actually being happy for that person because then you slowly start to trick your mind into actually being happy for that person. And then you find solace in the fact that everybody was struggling at a certain point. Nobody is like a child actor turned into an amazing actor and then he died a successful actor. Or like grew up a great music prodigy.

Yeah. Achieved all of the success they ever would. That's right. You start to all of the success they ever would. That's right. You start to find joy in the journey of it. Like when we were less successful making videos, those were probably happier times than now that we're making bigger and better things for whatever reason.

I'm happy now. You're fine. How do you two deal with confidence in yourself? But this guy's also dealing with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Yeah. So that goes to like something that he can treat medically. Yes. That's just more than the power of positive thinking.

All that other stuff you should talk to a professional about. Yeah. Do you have anything that I missed? I don't think so. I guess it hopefully helps to know that this isn't like one feeling that only he feels that he should feel bad for feeling. It's pretty universal. Yeah. But at the same time, the people that succeed are not the ones that let the jealousy corrode their creative process where they got too mad and angry and then never did anything. But also maybe it did corrode their creative

process. They just didn't give up. I think you're allowed to feel the feeling and press ahead. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can let it drive you. I've seen some bad movies and I walked out feeling inspired. That garbage was made and people like it? I can do that garbage. That garbage

is easy. Watch this. Cut to me playing Mario Kart for six months. Shit. God, what an Mario Kart for six months. Shit. God, what an awesome movie that would be. It's 400 hours long, but I did beat Wario's Castle. That's actually not bad. In record time. I'm jealous

of that. Alright, that's it. The end? Let's answer one more question. Sweet. One last one from, ooh, I wonder if this is a male or female. At first I read it as a male, but maybe not. Let's answer one more question. Sweet. One last one from... Ooh, I wonder if this is a male or female. At first I read it as a male, but maybe not. All right.

Let's hear it. A genderless person named Sorm. S-O-R-M. That is a gender neutral name, to be sure. Okay, it's a man. A man named Sorm writes, I'm coming up on two months of being single, and in my last relationship, I may or may not have,

but did cheat on her once or thrice. I feel like shit about it, which ultimately led me to ending things out of guilt, along with other things, like an hour and a half distance, and also I'm graduating while she has another year in college. Now, I'm no coxswain, but I was probably getting laid more when I was single than when I was in a relationship

because of the distance thing. But this time being single, I'm having no luck. Girls will stay with me and vice versa, but still have seized zero cheese. Is this karma for me being a shithead while dating my ex? Is it a conscious thing that's not letting me bang these new girls? How do I lay again?

I'm worried I'm becoming a born-again virgin. Help. Love, Sorm. Sorm. Sorm. Sorm was cheating on his girl a lot, and now that he's single... He's not getting laid as much?

Yeah, is it some sort of pheromone or vibe he's given off? I don't know, but it is fair. At the very least, if you do believe in God, this is probably a thing that he would dabble in. All is right in the world that you would suffer a little bit now. Yeah. You do deserve it. Yes. So I think there's something nice about letting that sink in just a bit.

Say, I was a bad person for a bit for a spell. I atoned for that and now I'm single and I won't treat people shittily. And once you have that truth in your heart, I think you can move forward. Would you ever apologize to somebody who doesn't know the full truth about what you did? Or does that not really need to happen? Go back to an ex who I broke up with and be like, hey, by the way, I'm sorry I cheated on you. That's right.

Of course not. Is that the honest thing to do? No, that's the height of insanity. Would you say that a really sweet, normal, wholesome person would tell you to do that? Maybe so. So you're saying like the Brady Bunch bit of advice is to go back and apologize to everyone you wronged,

even though they didn't know about it. Yeah. But the real world advice is to obviously never do that. Of course. Because what's in it? Why is it a good thing to say that? Yeah, what you clear your conscience, you don't. It's just a shitty conversation that you have and then you also like shatter somebody else's world yeah would

you want to know no i wouldn't not even like by the way if they felt really bad i think i'd want to know i'm really sorry i cheated on you because at the it wouldn't break your heart now that like puts the that that like frees someone of their guilt and puts, it's like putting the rain cloud on me. So like I have an ex who I broke up with and, you know, maybe it was rough at the time, but everything is okay now. Meanwhile, she cheated on me. She's been racked with guilt. So she comes and she's like, hey, Jake, I just have to tell you, I cheated on you a whole bunch. Man, it feels so good to have that off my chest.

Thank you. I didn't accept your apology. And then it's like, okay, so now I have to know that. You ruined me. So you're saying... You were bad. You were feeling bad. And you wanted to free yourself of the guilt.

So you decided to ruin me. That's not fair. So you're saying that if you do cheat on someone, don't tell them. No, if you cheat on somebody... Let it erode your self-conscious. I think if you cheat on somebody, then you should tell them, but I don't think you have to tell them if you break up

for any other reasons. You don't have to go and apologize for past transgressions with your exes. Right. I don't think you have to do that. Why do you think somebody would tell somebody to do that?

I mean, maybe somebody that feels guilty, they think that they'll feel better. They think that the ex deserves to know. But I feel like if they're the ex, then they're free of all the bullshit that you come with. Would you be curious to know if someone's ex? Like, I'd be curious to know if my first girlfriend cheated on me and I just didn't know. Oh, she did. It wouldn't affect me.

It wouldn't affect me. Oh, God, you cried so much. No, I'm just remembering that. You instantly cried. You cried so fast. With fucking who? Jesse. No! you just cried so fast with fucking who Jesse no oh yeah I guess if it's someone you still know

you shouldn't say that's my rule if I cheated on you with someone you don't know yeah how about it let me feel a new emotion how rarely do I get to feel something new an ex-girlfriend cheated on you is such a new thing to deal with. It's nice to deliver someone a bombshell.

Yeah, but like an old bombshell. It's like when you're leaving an Airbnb and you find a note that it was haunted. And you're like, oh, that's interesting. I survived. That was fine, I think. It was cool. It would have been scary, but I'm out. I guess.

And then you're like, oh, no wonder I heard the house moaning all the time. So you would like in a relationship be like, oh, no wonder you were always distant and elusive. That's right. Maybe it would make the other person feel a little bit better. I guess if you feel like they're that telling that person could clarify any like lingering feelings, I just think it's not worth it if that person is over you. Like if you think that she's or he is still being tormented by what you did in the relationship, then making peace makes sense.

How about- If you're just solving your own shit, if you're just solving your own karma so you can get laid, then don't do it because it's just being selfish all over again. Tweet us what you think. I'm curious to say,

I'm curious to think what people think. Should you hashtag let her know or hashtag let it go? Nice. Let us know. Let us know at the very least. Alright, thanks to anybody who's written in. Thanks to people who are submitting theme songs. The opening

one was that Me and Julio Jingle by Jack. This closing one is written by Brooke. Very good songs. And the email address for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We're still looking through all the awesome podcast art submissions. If you're interested in upgrading the look of our podcast art, you can send that to ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

It needs to be a square image of 1400 by 1400. I think today or this week is our five- gmail.com. It needs to be a square image of 1400 by 1400. I think today or this week is our five-year anniversary. Wow. We didn't even mention that during the show. This is a five-year anniversary show. So I'm glad we did it with a classic throwback. Three questions up, three questions down. Love it. And let us know if you have any tips or advice going forward. What do you want the next five years to look like? Send all that information to us on Twitter or at ifireashow at gmail.com. Thanks to people who have been the next five years to look like? Send all that information to us on Twitter or at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Thanks to people who have been listening

for five years. Some people have been with us from day one. Todah to the day ones. All the way to episode... Seize the cheese, baby. 328, I think? Again, Todah for listening. We'll be back next week. Tickets available to our shows in Europe at chickenamir.com. Ciao for now. Peace. If I were you, if I were you

If I were you, if I were you If I were you, if I was feeling blue And thinking life's not going my way If I were you, I'd have a drink or two Cause oh God, how could this be okay? I'd ride to a show with two bros Cause they know how it goes Life can blow, but they're raring to go

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