Segments - 33: Tinder Talk

Episode Date: October 31, 2013

In this episode Amir finally signs up for Tinder, then we discuss people's Tinder related dilemmas. Tinder. This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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time only. Thought we'd never be back, but we are. In your face. You thought the podcast was over, but here we are. Why? Yeah. Rising like the dust after an atomic bomb. You can't get rid of us. What?

We have to talk about LegalZoom. Of course. Thanks to LegalZoom.com for bringing us back on a Thursday. That's right. Oh, my gosh. What is LegalZoom, actually? LegalZoom. Who knows?

Let's start the episode. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's a website that helps you with your business problems. You know how doing anything related to business is impossible? Yeah, man, I'm a businessman, not a businessman. Right. Well, anyway, you know how forming an LLC and patents and trademarks and stuff like that is basically pretty much completely incomprehensible to normal people?

Well, LegalZoom makes it possible. And now is the best time to start your business. Why? Yeah, why? Well, reason number one, the economy is picking up. And the longer you now is the best time to start your business. Why? Yeah, why? Well, reason number one, the economy is picking up. And the longer you wait, the longer you delay your potential success. That's for one. Whoa, I didn't know that.

And reason number two, right now you can incorporate your business or form an LLC at LegalZoom.com for just $99. 99 bones, yo. I got $99. Dollars, yeah. And LegalZoom has all of them because they helped me incorporate my business. Now, how can we help you out a little bit more? Well, if you use the coupon code Amir at checkout, you get an extra discount. That's fair.

Well, you can also use discount coupon code Jake. Well, that's fair, too. It actually is fair. It's actually so fair, only mine works. They both work. Trust me. They both work. But remember, LegalZoom is not a law firm, so you save a pile of money.

So please, check them out if you need it. And thank you so much for supporting our sponsors, and please enjoy the show. Bye. If I were you, show I'm desperate and crazy Here's my problem, so help me maybe All of my other friends would probably shame me Here's my problem, so help me maybe She gave a hand to one of us and we're the same But I grew up with my fiancé in my foyer Is it okay to suck this out? What did my roommate say? Yes!

Yes! Absolutely yes! Best song ever? Call Me Maybe or That? Yes! Yes! Absolutely yes. Best song ever? Call Me Maybe or that? The cover is actually better than the original, because this one's about me. And every song about me is better than the song that's not about me. You're so vain. Yeah, I probably think that song is about me.

I probably know that song's about me. That's awesome, though. That is dope. That's great. Yeah, I'm into covers. That's my new thing, I think. Yeah, that's so good. Anyway, that was by Two Juliettes, this comedy improv group.

Oh, wow. In Toronto. Cool. In Toronto. So, hey, this is If I Were You. T-Town, Drake, what up? Hey, what up? What?

T-Town. Drake. That's where Drake's from. I thought it was the T-dot. Oh, maybe. Sure. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

And I'm Jake. And this is a special episode, or what? Okay. Because we're getting drunk during it? Well, that doesn't make it very special. This is another special episode. Every special episode's for me. Every episode's a special one.

The last 15 were special, but for only me. Jake didn't even know it was special. We had a special episode the other day at 9 a.m., unfortunately. There was whiskey on your breath, whiskey and oatmeal, and I didn't really appreciate it. You were high and gone. Yeah, this is another one of those Saturday night pre-gaming drinking episodes. Is pre-gaming a nerdy thing to say or normal?

I don't know. I think the nerdy thing is that we pre-game by recording a podcast. And two, I'm going to bite the bullet and download Tinder and do it on this podcast. You guys, this is after literally no convincing. I haven't brought it up once since the last time we talked about it on the podcast. You know what it was? It was my friend Ethan who emailed me. He's like, you should just do it because you're leaving New York. And it's like a fun thing to do.

And I'm like, you know what? Jake's been pushing me for nine months with this one email. It's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the real thing that convinced you is when we said we would do it on the podcast. And it was like, ooh, content. Yay. Content for my podcast. I don't care about pussy.

You know what it is? It is that, but it's also like this podcast is like the wall that i have to build to like oh yeah i downloaded it but like i did it as a joke for a show anyway i still use it on the day yeah well i did it to try to meet somebody and you're sort of a being an asshole no you should listen to the episode oh man i'm really excited though i have i've been begging to join Tinder for I don't know, since I did. Even when you had a girlfriend.

Yeah, that was actually a pretty dick move of you. You were begging her, actually. I was instrumental in the breakup. So, we thought it would be fun to do it from soup to nuts starting on the show. I haven't even downloaded it yet. I'm going to do that right now.

Yeah. Actually, why don't you download it while I at least explain it? Because I feel like there's like 10% to 20% of people who don't know still what Tinder is, and we talk about it so much. It's so rare, though, that you'd be listening to this podcast and still not know what Tinder is. It's possible. As Jake downloads it, I'm going to just try to briefly explain it. A lot of missed texts and phone calls from your parents. All right give me the phone what about you and tinder's already downloaded and you have 30 matches actually oh man all your texts are between a seamless delivery guy who you seem to be trolling

for free food holy shit it works a lot too god you're an ass and here you are playing video games with him on sunday all right you know what what? At this point, I want my phone back. All right, sorry, go ahead. Okay, so Tinder, I download it as a heterosexual male, and it shows me pictures of females in the area because those are the people that I'd like to go out with. And it shows you ladies in the age range that you give. So let's say I'll say 24 to 30.

Does that match up with the Blumenfeld rule? Oh, what's the Blumenfeld? Oh, no, the Blumenfeld rule is how many ladies are you allowed to have slept with? Not your age. Not your age. Oh, right. But there is that formula of your age divided by 2 plus 7. So mine would be 22.

So 22 to 30. And then it shows me ladies within a certain mile radius. Let's say I set the radius to 5 miles. It shows me ladies in between the ages of 22 and 30 in my area, and it just shows me their Facebook profile picture. And I can either swipe it to the left, which means I don't want to meet you, or swipe it to the right, which means I do want to meet you. And if the ladies are getting the same pictures as the guys,

or the ladies are getting pictures of guys, and if they swipe me to the right and I swipe them to the right, then it means, yes, we both said yes, and it matches us up digitally and we can start a conversation. Now, you're under the impression that I will match with someone during the course of this podcast. I think you will. Because, okay. I think you will because I'm making your profile for you right now.

Yeah, this is the star treatment that I'm getting because Jake himself is going to make my profile. Here's the two biggest worries that I have about matching with someone on Tinder. One, I think my strong suit isn't my pictures. It's my personality. And that really can't really come through in Tinder. It's like purely a physical thing. True or false? No, that's true. But you're also cuter than you're giving yourself credit for. Thanks, dude. And I think you can show a lot of personality in pictures. Okay.

For instance, your profile picture right now, which I'm considering leaving. Wait, wait. Did you download the app? Yeah. Oh, it's downloaded. It's fast. The iPhone 5 is super fast. I use the 4, and holy shit, is it bad. So what's the first screen?

It asks you for a profile picture? No, it just pulls your last four profile pictures. Oh, okay. So according to Tinder, your profile um like this right now okay so uh jake is showing me a profile it says my name my age and then my last profile picture which is like a silly picture of me with a magnifying glass up against my face so that my smile looks unusually big do you think that's a good profile picture or a bad one it's definitely i think it's a good number two it shows you have a lot of it's like like kind of creative. It's your personality photo.

So like, I'm not going to lead off with it, but I definitely want like people to see it. You're making what I'm actually thinking in like a douchey voice. But that is definitely, that's exactly what I'm. All right. So now I'm going to just try to find. The most attractive picture of me. Yeah. Okay.

Or the picture where you're doing something like the most interesting. Because like sometimes I won't necessarily see someone's face, but I'll be like, oh, that person went to Iceland. That's cool. I can talk to her about that. I see. It just gives you little bits of personal information that at least lets you start a conversation with someone. Exactly.

So here's my second worry about Tinder in terms of me not matching. Well, I guess I have two more. All of my concerns are matching related. Number two, what if I match, meet, and then she hates me? For example, my personality is subpar and I'm sort of an anal loser. What do I do if I'm alone the rest of my life? That's not related to Tinder as much as it is I'm zooming out a bit and sort of seeing the macro, the landscape of my life,

and I'm not looking too happy about it. How do I deal with that? My age, age 30. A lot of people probably on Tinder are in their 20s, right? They won't see 30-year-olds. Or are they only showing me people that have put 30-year-old dudes

in their age range? They're only going to show you people that you could match with. So it will be people, I think anyway, it will be people that you could potentially match with. Okay.

I'm starting to, like, I should just choose pictures. I'm being a little picky right now. What do you think of that? It's not, I guess I'm not in love with it. How about the picture of you and Danny DeVito? Oh, yeah, that shows that, like, I was important enough at one point in my life to meet Danny DeVito.

Exactly. Right, so I'm at least as important as Rhea Perlman was that one day. Oh, shit. How about this one? Well, no, never mind. Oh, you're not photogenic at all, actually. I'm actually starting to reconsider this whole Tinder thing. Yeah, as I think about it, you sort of suck. Yeah. My third concern is that I'm very judgmental, like not in a good way. Like I'll see people and I'll judge them. So even if ladies are attractive, I might not swipe them to the right. Oh, that's a pretty, I think that's the one. Oh yeah. I'm very judgmental of ladies. So maybe you should do my

swiping for me because there's going to be a lot of girls who are attracted. I'm like, oh, this girl looks annoying or this girl has an annoying bio. I'm just, I don't know, I'm very neurotic in the regard of choosing someone. Right. No, you're sort of like a judgmental piece of shit. Yeah. I'm like a neurotic, too, sort of a loser in many ways. No, there's too many guys in that picture. I'm also not talking into the mic right now.

That's probably driving you fucking crazy. So you've chosen the main photo, now you're choosing, so you get to choose more than one photo yeah you get to choose up to well five photos total so total so one photos total one main photo how do you what do you think about this one in the uh and the camel oh that's like you yeah that's like oh i've been to a place see how that tells a story it's like i don't know like tinder so superficial but like now from your profile picture you'd be like, this guy's close with his family, his brother. Number two, he's got a good sense of humor. That's the magnifying glass over the mouth.

This weird picture where you're, like, looking very, very serious. It's like, oh, this guy is sort of – What picture is that where I'm looking very serious? I'll have to show you in a second. But you're like – you have your thumbs over your mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that one. My brother took that photo.

It's a good high-res photo. It shows that, hey, I know people who are wealthy enough to afford a digital SLR camera. There's also this picture that we took on set of you covered in blood holding a cat. What do you think about that one? That might be a good one for a last one. At least show the person with a slate so at least people think that it's for a video shoot and I'm not just naked holding a cat. Great.

That's it. It's done. So what about... Also your tagline. We've got to change your tagline. What is it? Wait, is my profile live right now? No, it's not.

Yes, I think it might be. Okay, so people can see it regardless of us working on the tagline. Right. You're probably getting swiped to the left all over the place right now. So it shows my photo, my name, my age, and then a tagline. The tagline could be anything I want. Anything you want it to say. Sort of like a tweet.

I gave a good tagline to Marty, our friend, which was, Hey, I'm Mark Zuckerberg! No, just kidding. You think that's too weird or I shouldn't use it? Well, just in case somebody else has seen Marty, it would be weird. Yeah, because if that's a tie and then it comes out to the photo, I'm afraid people will just choose Marty. Yeah, totally. Yeah, he's taller and better looking.

Way more handsome. It's also funnier when he says it for some reason. Not even says it, just has it under his name. Yeah, it's more of a Marty quote. It's got to be sarcastic. I think that's the key right there. What about I'm kind of a small deal? Oh, that's nice. Although that kind of might be true. Yeah,astic i think that's that's the key what about i'm kind of a small deal oh that's kind of that's nice although that kind of it might be yeah people think that's true

yeah like oh he thinks he's like a little bit of a big deal um what about um trust me i'm less jewish than i look oh there we go well that attract uh anti-emites? That'll attract Jews, for sure. Although I can't imagine, yeah, because it says my name is Amir. Would that piss people off? No. What do you mean you're less, like that's a bad thing? This isn't J-Date. I think it's okay. The stakes are really low on Tinder.

I should download J-Tinder, actually. That way I can make my mom and you happy at the same time. Your mom swipes it. My mom's the only person in charge. That's like such a lame lame joke that jewish moms would love jay tinder uh if only jewish moms understood enough about the internet to get what apps are in general that's true all right so now we're gonna go to settings we're setting it uh to desperation mode that is anyone any age range male or female within 200 miles of here holy shit i matched with a 61 year old dude in philadelphia i think i'm gonna go on a date with him or something his name is roy and he makes cheese steaks i'm into it all right so we're Nails, 24 to 32? Sure.

What's the matter? What's your range? 18 to 19. 18 to 18 and a quarter. My range is? Five and a half to six and a half. Well, my rule is just, and I think it might match up with the divided by two plus seven, right? Yeah.

Anyone that I can't legally walk into a bar with, I don't want to match with on tinder so 21 and over 21 21 to 29 if for me it feels like if they're more than two years older than me they're like looking for something serious oh i see though i guess like nobody's really looking for anything that serious on tinder yeah all right um we're good to go yeah we're set we're we're pulling in should we talk about the before we start swiping should we talk about uh should we do a question? Oh, yeah. Let's ask a question, and then while we answer, either you or I can take turns swiping. I'm just going to – this is number one.

I'm just going to swipe this girl right now. Her name is Rita. She's 24. I can say their names. It's just first names, right? Sure, I guess. Her name – we'll call her R. Oops, too late.

You have one shared interest on Facebook, and it's Seamless Web. She's 295 pounds. Liked. Let's see. All right, your first swipe was not a match. That kind of hurts. 0 for 1, believe it or not. Although, to match with someone, I'd have to match with someone who has used tinder in the last like 30 seconds right yeah well no i think yeah but i think also when you join you're

like your picture is thrown up onto the top of the pile for a lot of people uh to incentivize you to match people yeah to like keep you addicted to the app so it shows you shared interests um yeah your shared interest and their age do you like quote Jake and Amir on Facebook? Oh, you mean like it? The page? Yeah, I am interested in that Have you ever seen a girl whose shared interest was Jake and Amir? Yeah

And have you ever swiped her to the right? Only once And it was a match, right? Did not match So this girl likes our web series, saw you, and then swiped you to the left or maybe i left that her area which is what i like to believe uh no you didn't you didn't actually leave your area i was yes i was still very much in her area all right so you want to uh you want me to read a question and then go back to swiping i think so yeah all right give me my phone back for a second

um hold on you can't you can't bring yourself to stop swiping is the problem that is my problem in life all right ready question these are all tinder based questions this is our tinder themed episode this is like the most publicity we've ever given someone and it's for absolute free you really should email them and ask about sponsoring all right ready yep hey dude so there's this girl I've been dating on and off for about a year now. She's great and like my best friend, but her and I have been fighting a lot lately and it's making me have

second thoughts. Last night, I was on Tinder, swiping away when I see this girl. She looks familiar, so I go into her profile and I realize it's a girl I know from years ago. I swipe her to the right and I immediately, we are a match. We start texting and I realize that I have everything in common with her. It's making me think that I should date this new girl, but I'm not sure I should,

knowing how bad it would crush the first girl. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. This dude's name. Who we did not come up with a theme for this episode. The theme is Tinder. Everybody's name is Tinder. All right, cool. This guy is so, it's so almost adorable how stupid he is.

Because he's like, should I cheat on my girlfriend or not? Well, number one, it's dumb that your main reason for not wanting to be with someone else is because it would hurt your girlfriend's feelings. Right. That's the worst. If it's that, then you should just break up with her. Right. Because I think nothing would hurt her feelings more than finding out you're with her out of pity

i don't want any but you're still on tinder right now aren't you yeah i'm swiping while you're talking this girl's kind of a babe what do you think oh yeah definitely thanks dude appreciate it you liked her she's in the vault. Great. So, I mean, right off the bat, break up with her, right? Because you are only with her because... And he's on Tinder. Yeah. You downloaded Tinder, so that's the first sign you have to break up with her. Yeah.

And then also you're saying that... Also, just really quick, the girl that you matched with is not the one. You didn't... No one finds their soulmate on tinder and you only think she's your soulmate because you've been like because you want out of your relationship so bad that everybody is perfect right so this guy would take anybody yeah he's just unhappy and you're just unhappy in a relationship it's weird that he's like phrasing this as a tinder question but it's like basically like i like another girl should i go after her knowing although i don't want to break my other

girl's heart so uh i guess my separate theory is that maybe i can just grow old with the girl that i'm currently with and always grow to regret it so i bear bones of this whole entire thing is you just don't like your girlfriend it has nothing to do with like you liking another girl you didn't you're not having like some affair with somebody that you're meant to be with. You just don't want to be with your girlfriend. Somebody else is like shiny and new. Definitely don't break up and go right into another relationship. That's never a good thing. Should he even be on Tinder? That's not okay, right? Would you say that's not okay? Oh yeah, definitely. That's bad. That's mean. Like going on Tinder while you're in the relationship is like basically admitting that's grounds for termination of a relationship

your girlfriend should dump you for what you've done uh i'm i'm i've reached my first tinder milestone of uh a girl that is not necessarily my type physically but she has a great uh bio let me see it and so i'm thinking of swiping her based on the bio. See, this is why bios are important. Bios, yeah. This girl's... That's a cute little sentence. You see this picture of the dog?

Fuck yeah. Shit, you want to swipe her, actually. So this is important. Like, her pictures are killer, all right? She's got herself in a goddamn vineyard. Yeah. So that's cool. You're like, oh, she wears a dress in a vineyard.

I want to be part of this life. Number two, she's clearly at a party. So this girl likes adventure, going on a vacation, but she's also down to rage. She likes a rage phase. Yeah, I want to be part of her life. Yep. And then, oh, number two, guess what? She's near a pond with her mom.

So yeah, she's close to her family. She's a family woman. That is important, oddly enough. And her mom's a goddamn smoke show. Really? Part number two, her mom has a hot bod. Her mom can get it. I would love to at least swipe her mother.

And there we go. She's walking down the beach, shoes in her hand. She is cool. She's ready to get her feet in the sand. Shoes in hand. She wants her feet in the sand. Shoes in hand. She wants her feet in the sand. Keep swiping while we describe for any ladies who are out there

on Tinder, what would you think some tips for... Your shared like with a lot of people is seamless. There's like some kind of deal, huh? Is there like a get 20% off if you like us on Facebook deal? Maybe so. Or maybe I was just feeling very liking of Seamless. I mean, Seamless is a food ordering

app in New York City. Oh, man. Oh, dude, this girl is fucking cute. I'm about to get on Tinder myself for this one. Hell yeah. This girl is fucking huh. Jesus, dude. Wait a second. Oh my god. She's the one. You're bone hard right now. Alright, so here we go.

That's your dick against the bottom of the table. Here's something really encouraging about this girl. Second picture, she has her arm around some guy and he looks exactly like you. Oh, so you know that she already... Oh yeah, he's kind of like a nerdy, jewy-looking guy. But it doesn't... I don't know.

I feel like that's her brother, not her ex-boyfriend or something. Chicks love dudes that make it seem like they're kissing her brother. Look at this girl's pictures. They are so fucking cute. That's a silly good picture. Yeah.

Yeah, that's like... Look at the other ones. They're all good. They're all like that, dude. Oh, yeah. Sense of personality. The sense of humor comes through in the photos. See?

So Tinder's not as shallow as people make it seem. Although, like, a lot of times it says active a day ago, like that sort of takes away the suspense of if I swipe her, will we become a match right away? Obviously not because she hasn't, you know what? I think we should, let's give me your phone.

I'm going to, I'm going to update your, I'm going to, I'm going to make your search radius just a little bit wider. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I just, I got to why you want to see like that girl.

Uh, yeah, it is, it is very oddly add to. Why? You want to see like. Did you just wipe that girl? Yeah. It is, it is very oddly addicting, right? You're just like, you don't realize that you're like judging a father's daughter. You just realize that you're saying, oh. I'd fuck her. Cute photo. I'd fuck her. But I'm not saying, I'm not even thinking about boning.

I'm thinking about how uncomfortable or comfortable I would be inviting her out. Yeah, you should start thinking about boning. Because that'll lower your bar a little bit. Because sometimes I'll see a girl like, oh, I wouldn't want to introduce her to my mom and dad. Then I'm like, oh, I don't have to do that. Would I want to bend this girl over in a bathroom bar? And then it's like most of the time, yeah. Actually, I've never swiped to the left when I think about that.

Because, hey, everyone has a vagina. And more or less they all look the same to me. Especially when they're facing the other way, and all I have to look at is the back of a shirt. That's the difference between me and you. I'm cool? Yeah. You are wearing a black wife beater right now. That's not fair. It's the Saturday before Halloween.

When is this episode coming out? Thursday. Thursday? Oh, Halloween Day. Halloween? Oh, it's perfect. It's our Halloween episode. Though on is this episode coming out? Thursday. Thursday? Oh, Halloween day. Halloween? Oh, it's perfect. It's our Halloween episode. Though on Thursday, it'll be going out again.

So it's part of my Halloween costume. Which is what? Sexy cat. Great question, sexy cat. What's yours, ass? I'm trying to be Ned Flanders, though the mustache I got is more gay Hitler, so I'm a little bit worried about that. It is just dark, dark, dark, and pencil thin. Here's something that I'm doing. Just going tolanders, though the mustache I got is more gay Hitler, so I'm a little bit worried about that.

It is just dark, dark, dark, and pencil thin. Here's something that I'm doing. Just going to swipe to the right a bunch. You just want me to. No, no, I won't. That devalues the match. Yeah, that's true. You don't want to match with someone who you're not excited to match with, right?

You right. You true. You true, man. You true, though. I'm Truman. I'm Harry Truman, I think. That's your new bio. What is my bio again? I already forgot.

I'm less Jewish than I look. That is funny. Yeah. That's funny. Hey, this girl likes Homeland, too, bud. All right, enough about the shared interest shit, man. You ought to change your interests. Why?

Homeland is good. Does it organize by, like, is it completely random, the stream of ladies that's showing? I've got no idea what their algorithm is. I would love to know. I really would. You know, didn't, because Tinder is owned by the company that owns College Humor.

Right. So we said that we could maybe get the Tinder CEO or whatever, a higher up there at Tinder to... I emailed him. And? They're based in LA. He swiped your email to the left. They're based in LA, but he said he'd be down. Maybe when we're out there.

Once we move, it's game over. It's actually really game over you're just like you're i'm being very liberal and you're just you're not gonna get a match because who's on tinder at saturday night at 8 p.m i guess sorry 9 30 p.m right all these people are active a day ago sadly um should we read another question yeah so you want your phone back? Yeah, or you can read it It's the second email from the bottom Of course Started from the bottom, and now we're the second from the bottom

So not that far away, actually Alright Hey JNA, I like when people call us JNA Hey JNA, thanks to this podcast I discovered the awesome Tinder app And even better, I think I found a perfect match. In fact, she's so perfect that she also heard about Tinder from this podcast. She's funny, cute, doesn't freak out when I say stuff like,

I'll shoot myself in a Starbucks. Haha. Anyway, what's bothering me is that we've been chatting for two days. And, sorry. Anyways, what's bothering me... Oh, it's not so easy to read, actually. You can edit that out, can't you? Also, lift your phone up higher just so you're talking more square into the microphone.

Oh, fuck yeah, shit. So what's bothering him is... Anyways, what's bothering me is that we've been chatting for two days... Oh, fuck, no. Two days only? No, this is a bad sentence structure, pal. It's not me. Anyways, anyways, what's bothering me is that we've been chatting for two days

only and we already developed a close relationship at first I was happy about this but then I realized how easy it was for me to win her

now just like Amira I like a girl who hasn't tasted too many cocks before mine so now I'm afraid that she might actually turn out

to be a slut she even told me that back in high school she once rubbed the dick of one of her mates during geography class just for the excitement

I'll be so mad if I get ditched by this bitch for another guy in a week or something how do i how how do you think i should approach her should i take her seriously thanks tinder first of all i don't like that he lumps me in because that's not my theory at all like i do i not don't necessarily like a girl that's easy to access or attain, but if I'm on Tinder, I wouldn't... Everybody's there to hook up, so I wouldn't judge them in that regard. He didn't mention my name.

That was a pretty rare occurrence that he downloaded Tinder, met someone that downloaded the app. That's an immediate close connection. Yeah, the fact that they both listen to the podcast. Yeah, and rubbing someone's dick doesn't make her a slut buddy if anything that makes her a really prude girl because she's only touched one dick at the end of high school and that was exciting to her she rubbed a dick and that was exciting okay i i'm looking for girls that like rub a dick and

they and they feel like they they clip their nails or something all right that's how normal it is for them i've been rubbing dick since age 13 trust me it's no big deal to me uh are you swiping right now always dude yeah i see you're being very very liberal with a left right left right i just nope somebody just nope somebody oh this girl is just she's cute she's hiding half her face um so that's sort of the uh ironic or uh paradoxical problem that is meeting a girl and she's super into it right away. If you're like, wait a minute, maybe she's super into everything right away, but you can't have it both ways. You can't have take a girl home fairly easily and then be like, I only want her to be able to take me home very easily. Like odds are she goes home with maybe more than just you. And that's sort

of something you have to get used to. If you want someone who's very, like takes their time, whether it be a boy or a girl, if you want someone that takes their time, you have to be able to put their time in. And otherwise, if you're looking for a lady who's very easy or a guy who's very easy, then odds are that lady or guy is very easy with more people than just you. Yeah. But it's also just not fair. You don't know her yet. You guys got a close relationship on Tinder. She didn't fuck you. That doesn't mean that she's easy. Yeah. Yeah. He's also like jumping to way, way, way conclusions. If anything, I feel like you have delusions of grandeur, which is like, oh man, yeah, we connected really quick on Tinder. So she probably fucks everyone. There's a chance she

would just straight up reject you if she met you. Ass. She definitely would reject you if she saw that email, which she's going to. Why is it showing me a 34-year-old here? I'm just swiping right now. Sometimes it slips through the cracks. Yeah, swipe right. See what happens.

I feel like it would slip through the cracks because it was a match. Really? I don't know. It's my theory. But she's only been active two hours ago. Have you ever swiped someone to the left or right just because of a name? No.

Well, this girl's kind of a babe, too. What's her name? I don't want to say her name. I feel weird. Rita. There's an X in it. Let me see it. Oh, hello, mama.

See, I don't feel hello mamas ever. Maybe Tinder's not for me. That's not true. I guess I feel it, but I don't say hello, mama. Yeah, what's like the, when you like want somebody, are you like, oh man, I want to, do you never feel like I want to fuck that person? I guess. You don't have like animalistic attraction to anybody?

I do have, this girl's also cute. Do you want to fuck her see i don't i know when you see her picture what do you think of i'm like oh it would be fun to hang out with her and see what if she's a piece we get along really she's not a piece of shit because honestly don't even talk about her like that she's my baby shared interest hoodie alan oh that's cyber but it says active six hours ago just swipe it anyway though all right i'll swipe i'll swipe relax oh this girl kind of looks like sarah schneider whoa wait a second it is sarah schneider doesn't she she looks so much like sarah schneider

that's weird wow sarah how dare you you have a boyfriend you changed your name to jenny and you're 23 years old i think how dare you absolutely um where were we on this guy you really get lost in this app yeah that's what i'm saying this is why i like this is why i've been like not effective as a writing partner for the last year so we haven't written a new episode in over an hour this is why like sometimes we'll be on the couch and you'll like say something and i'm just not looking at you or listening. It's because you're judging, judging, yes, no, yes. Soon you're going to have messages and then you'll be like, oh man, I have to respond to these messages. Oh, geez.

And then it's fun. Oh, God, it's fun. It's weird because sometimes I like the name but I don't like the person. Should I still swipe her to the right? Just the name? Yeah. You're saying the name Mackenzie is cute so you're going to swipe her to the right because you want to say hi mackenzie yeah or annie or lucy or something oh those are cute i'd swipe those uh wait so you never have animalistic i want to fuck you

uh i don't know if my brain jumps to that right away i think like oh that girl's pretty but you're not asexual no i'm not asexual but i don't think it's like at the forefront of my brain when i meet people you're not asexual and uh i am asexual asexual deviant is what i am uh another cute lady who's sharing just a seamless web i'm gonna start liking seamless i'm gonna go home oh this girl's run a marathon. There you go. But should I have a marathon photo in my thing? No, maybe. Or is it too like on the nose, like bragging?

No, it's pretty cool. I think it's cool. Especially like the thing is, you throw up something like the marathon photo, you'll meet a lot of people who are going to swipe you and be like, hey, I run too. And then I'm like, oh, that was five years ago, actually. Yeah, that's how I am.

I just have a climbing photo in there, and I haven't climbed in like eight months, so I feel bad being like. Well, actually, that's a good segue into another question we got. This one comes from Tinder, actually. He writes, hey, dudes, I'm an 18-year-old male in high school who decided to join Tinder a couple days ago,

and I just have a couple questions about how to use this gift from God. One of them is that I have gained some weight since the last photo I posted on Facebook. Not that much, around 10 pounds. And I was wondering if I should put new photos on Facebook or just leave the ones I have right now and lose the weight. These aren't the only two options that are available. Any advice would help, maybe even some weight loss tips. Many thanks, Tinder. Cut out carbs. Maybe even some weight loss tips. Many thanks, Tinder. Cut out carbs. Be the man in your photo. Be the man you'd rather be. Yeah. What are we going to suggest? Putting a fat photo of you up rather than you losing weight? Here's some

inspirational advice. Put the photos on Tinder that you want people to see. That's the man you want. That's the person that you want attracting people. And then you become the guy in your photos. Oh, I see. You can do that, man. I'm trying to think of what my photos on Tinder are. Maybe I'll see you. No, I won't because I'm a – it says dude looking for chicks, right? You can't see me.

Trust me. Actually, unless you're bi or something. Whoa, you just came up. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Actually, let's just answer questions for Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not. All right. Actually, let's just answer questions for the next 10 minutes. Let your swipes sink in.

You think so? Yeah. How many swipes have you done? Easily 1,000. I could do 1,000 now. Jesus, easily 1,000. It's a never-ending stream, right i mean in new york i remember when i downloaded it in seattle for you swiped all 30 minutes i just i swiped them i i yeah i ruined it i downloaded tinder in iceland and uh i went on there was eight people or something like

that in all of reykjavik and i swiped them all they were gone and then there was eight people or something like that in all of Reykjavik, and I swiped them all. They were gone. And then there was nothing. And then I would just look every single day, and someday there was just a new person. So one day, Olga, she just joined or something. I swiped her to the left. It's like, no new matches, no one around you. Like, oh, no.

Olga, come back to me. You and me are, oh. Okay. I found a lady who was active eight minutes ago. There we go. Is she cute? She's attractive, but not necessarily right for me. Swipe to the right.

Oh, this is another. No, it didn't match. God damn it, dude. Ass. Have you ever accidentally swiped someone to the right. Oh, this is another. No, it didn't match. God damn it, dude. Ass. Have you ever accidentally swiped someone to the left and you're like, wait, wait, wait, come back. Yeah, it's a gut punch. Because you'll never see that person again. Yeah, it is like, I've done it a couple times.

Swipe to the left too quick. And it's just like, that was the one. She was my soulmate. She would have been it. I could have deleted the app after her. That's actually your, that's the movie you're writing about the one that was my soulmate she would have been it i could have deleted the app after her that's actually your that's the movie you're writing about the one that got away is the one that swiped away the one that swiped to left oh my gosh mercy oh mercy um did we give this guy advice

yeah lose the weight cut out carbs that'll do it you're drinking alcohol, why don't you just – no sweet drinks, no carbs. That's easy for you to say because you've also probably gained 10 pounds in the last X amount of months. How dare you? Right. I mean, aren't you – are you the fattest you've been for a good amount of time? Right now, yeah, I'm the fattest I've been in a while. Have you ever not swiped a girl because she's out of her out of your league and you know that she won't swipe you no this girl's a goddamn dime what's that girl i there was that girl um let's call her tinder there i swiped her

i remember that i like she was so hot that i screamed oh wow that girl's gorgeous i mean she's like she's not gonna swipe a jew a, a loser Jew, actually. Like her, just in case. But she hasn't been online in like seven days either. The hot ones never have been. Because they don't need it. Yeah. Oh, instead I just go out and meet the hottest guys. Thanks, Tinder.

You're a hot girl. Like, why would you ever? Oh, my God. It must be so exhausting just dodging guys all the time. Oh, wait. Do you remember that girl? I screenshotted her while I was just looking at her because she was so hot.

And then I obviously didn't match. Literally three months go by and I got an alert that was like, you and so-and-so matched. And I looked through her pictures and it was her. And I was like, it blew my mind. And I like screenshot and I told everybody. I told so many people.

And then like I wrote, hey, and then nothing for a day. And then she wrote back like a really long message and asked me a question. I was like, holy shit. Is this for real? Is this real life? And then I wrote her back. I asked her a question. I heard back the next day.

I was so excited. Then I wrote her back again. And then she was just like, nothing. That was it. The end. Nothing ever again. She was gone. For a week.

And I was every single day. I would just look at my phone and be like, did she respond? Did she do anything? No, never. And finally, Jeff Rosenberg was like, you should just message her and be like, let's get a drink. You have nothing to lose. Yeah, at this point, it's over. So finally, I messaged her.

I was like, hey, let's get a drink. Nothing. What? Just the end. Well, that actually takes me to a question we didn't receive over the email, but a question that I received to my text messages, which was... That's the star treatment. If you ask enough questions, you get Amir's number and you can text. We'll call my friend Jay.

Jay. Jay writes to me specifically. Via text. He said, oh, it was like, we got a question about how a guy matched with a girl and she didn't text him back. And he's like, that I understand. The real question is, why is it when a girl matches with you, responds to your message, things are going well, and then she just disappears? Yeah, that's tough. Does that happen to you?

It happened with this fucking smoke show that I was in love with. So just conversation, or you match, which means you both find yourself attractive enough to at least swipe each other in one direction very quickly. Right. And then you start a conversation. She responds, and one day just stops. I think it can be a lot of things. I think it could be her meeting somebody else,

maybe out in real life or maybe also on Tinder. Like she must have a ton of, I mean, if you're a girl that's attractive, I bet, I feel like you get matched every single time you swipe someone to the right. Right. Because there's some girls who probably have like an 80 to 90% swipe right rate. And whenever they swipe to the right, it's obviously someone who's already swiped them to the right. Yeah. And like, I, dude, I have a fucking, I have a really tight Tinder game game i am a beast in that regard i really am a beast in that regard there must have been somebody out there who ran a tighter game than me or like maybe she got back together with her ex or maybe she got hit by a bus which

i'm hoping is what happened but like i think there's just a million reasons and also i've definitely stopped talking to girls so i'm just like you know what i can already tell we wouldn't vibe there was that girl do you remember that girl that was like i invited her out and she was like upset that i invited her to a group thing and then she was like gonna come and i was like yeah this is where we are and she's like who's with you like are there any girls and i was like yeah there are some girls here we were like our friends and she and then she was like no like girls can be bitches and i was like it sounds like you specifically are the bitches yeah my friends are nice uh nobody would be mean to you you meanie and she but like it just put me off so much that she'd be like uh no like girls are

such bitches i'm not gonna come out and meet your friends i guess like in retrospect i was inviting her to a group hang instead of taking her out but like that's what tinder is i don't like take someone to coffee it's like it's not it's not okay cupid no although here is uh your your your your preference is to invite people out to a group hang it's never to meet one-on-one right yeah i hate meeting one-on-one because there's too much pressure it's just not as fun like i like that you want the home court advantage. Well, I guess I wouldn't want to go out with her friends. Yeah, I want the home court advantage. I used to do this thing with Dave Rosenberg. This is some unsolicited advice for anybody out there dating.

We called it co-ordinate. You like that? Co-ordinate? That's funny. So you co-ordinate Tinder dates. It would just turn into a double date. So I'd go out with someone and I'd be like, hey, I'm going to go to the wife hotel. And I would go show up with my date solo.

And then Dave would come a half hour later. And I'd be like, oh, hey, this is my friend Dave. What are you doing here, man? And then the rest of the night we get to be on a double date. So what you do is sneakily force a girl that you didn't want to double date into a double date exactly because then it's like it's more fun i don't want to miss a night hanging out with my buddies because you want to have the group hang and then also the babe hang i want to have my cake and fuck it too which one's the cake dave okay um are there like tinder

i mean you you've used it for so long. You probably like start noticing formulas like a girl who sort of looks attractive in her profile picture, but it's like a exterior shot or like a far away shot. And you're like, oh, I know that she's only doing this to hide something. Right. Like later on. Like, is there anything like that that you noticed or like. Yeah. We're talking about girls because Jake's Jake's only seen girls, but i'm sure guys do this too right i mean well i specifically

do it i mean everybody puts up their best photos for sure yeah no one puts up their worst photo that's what you should have to do somebody else would have to choose your worst photo but i feel like anyone can look ugly it's just like and anyone can look attractive yeah so i think you just i don't know but you can't But you can tell when somebody is unattractive or when somebody is trying to hide something. I can also, at this point, I can tell when I'm going to match someone. Really? I know when I will. Yeah.

How? I don't know. I just get a feeling. And how often are you wrong with that feeling? Never. What? That's not true. I mean, I'm wrong sometimes.

But I also like, I think I swipe so that like i don't even match when i swipe anymore i only get alerts that are like so and so has matched you oh so you're like you're racing out ahead of the field so far ahead of the field that there's like not a lot of girls left in new york for me i bet i can swipe all of new york before i go that's your that should be your goal well what's your mile radius set to because in new york it's very concentrated yeah new york i do i vacillate between four and five oh really yeah so that's like does that even get nobody that lives in manhattan would want it no i don't think like manhattan kids don't want me what i'm just like i'm brooklyn all the way you think so i think so huh all right i really i really do you know what's gonna be fun is when we're on a road trip and like uh swipe in swipe in in arkansas but isn't that also are we gonna run into the same problem of like we're not gonna be uh in places long enough for yeah but i think people like on

tinder is so is so like not the stakes aren't very high you don't have to be like no one's looking for their actual soulmate everyone's just looking looking for fun. So you're like, hey, I'm just here for, like a lot of people's bios in New York actually are like, NYC for the weekend. Right. And that'll be it.

That's their tagline. Oh, I guess that's nice. Have you ever swiped a girl to the right so hard that your phone broke? What? I've swiped to the right so hard that I crashed

the app once. I really have. I think I swiped so hard. I just, yo, swip right so hard that I crashed the app once. I really have. I think I swiped so hard. Yo, swipe so hard, motherfuckers want to find me. That shit, Craig. That shit, Tinder. That shit, Tinder. Do you want to take over with me for a while?

I feel like I'm being too... I mean, I've lost you. You're mesmerized. You're not even going out tonight anymore, are you? Why would I? We had plans. I have all the digital ladies I need right here. I can see the reflection of them in your glasses.

It's the saddest little thing just to imagine you here alone an hour after we've recorded the podcast. You haven't cleaned up. Well, you said there's nothing shameful about Tinder, but would you use it in public? Probably not. There's nothing shameful about being on it, but I think there's something a little shameful about like actively seeking ladies on digital worlds and just like while you're doing something i mean i feel like i've been somewhere where it was totally normal to like look at a tinder message you know just waiting in line somewhere but like that little flame goes up and i'm like oh god i should that's why actually i had an idea for an app because i have okcupid

and tinder i have an idea for an app, because I have OkCupid and Tinder. I have an idea for an app that just makes it look like, so it just makes it look like the New York Times news feed when I'm on Tinder. That's what it should be. When I launch the app, it's an NYT. Yeah, and it looks like a crossword. That's funny. That's what it should be.

All right, look, we have time for one more question. By the way, you said I could take over, and then you never handed your phone over to me. Well, let me read this one. You were like, oh, here, you should take over for me. And then you just... Rapid right swipe. I think we should keep on playing,

and next time we're on the podcast, we'll talk about the matches that you get. Okay, that's good. Oh, here we go. Hey, dude, so I went on my first Tinder date last night. This girl's very pretty and fun, but she did something that kind of rubbed me the wrong way She invited two of her girlfriends out to scope out the date

She doesn't know that I knew they were there But I recognized them from the pics she sent me Should I not go out with her again because of this? That is super creepy That's weird, I wouldn't go out with her again Maybe she's just been like Terrorized Maybe she has a like, a bad...

Because a lot of girls, like, I've heard of girls doing, like, hey, I'm going to go out on a date with some guy, text me in the middle, and if it's not going well, I'll say it's an emergency. Right. I think that doesn't speak negatively on him. It speaks negatively on dudes. And, like, I don't blame her because a lot of dudes are awful.

Yeah, but, like, to invite your friends to the bar, that's crazy. I think that's ridiculous. But maybe she's, like, had— She had—she fucking—she asked people to spy. That's not okay. That's espionage. That's actually a treason, I think. Yeah, I think she's a traitor on the USA.

I think she's worse than Julian Assange, actually. Yeah, she's a regular goddamn Edward Snowden, I think she's worse than Julian Assange, actually. Yeah, she's a regular goddamn Edward Snowden, I think. Sometimes when I can't think of a word, I just pretend to stutter. And it sounds like, this is advice again, unsolicited advice. If you ever need to sound smart, you just stutter. Oh, yeah. This is good. I couldn't think of the word Edward Snowden.

It's good to get advice to sound smart from you, actually. Goddamn Edward Snowden. couldn't think of the word edward snowden it's good to get advice to sound smart from you actually edward snowden like it sounds like you knew it the entire time you you intentionally stuttered but what really what's really happening is that you don't know you're going through the mental rolodex of your mind but what if you never get there it's just like a goddamn john waltz booth yeah we're like god damn. And then you start laughing like, I can't finish the joke. You get it, though. You obviously know who he is. Oh, this girl cute, though.

What's that? You're not speaking into the microphone. This girl cute, though. What was it that you made me do before? What? I was like, I want to do, I want to get pizza. What do you want? What? Sorry, I can't understand you. I want to get pizza. What do you want? What?

Sorry, I can't understand you. I want to get pizza. Wait, what? What do you want to get? I said ham. I want to get pizza. Pizza ham? No.

Just like a mom who's like boiling down her cool tea. Use your words. I said that I wanted to get pizza. All right? What is it good wanted to get pizza. Huh. All right. Huh. What is it good for? Absolutely pizza. Say it again.

Oh, my God. This girl's ta-tas are ya-ya. Yes, please. I would love to motorboat this broad. There should be a Tinder just for bios. So that'll be my time to shine. Just based on bios, I would dominate that Tinder, I feel like. That's really nice.

Your Tinder bio is anti-Semitic, so I don't see how you dominate. Another one of my advantages over the rest of humankind is that I'm normal and most guys are not. And I feel like that's hard to get across in a Tinder profile. The thing is, once we meet, me and you will both do great because you're funny. And like any time I've ever met a girl from Tinder, she is like, oh my God, I'm so happy you're so normal. Yeah. Which is crazy.

95% of dudes, you wouldn't want to hang out with them. It's hard to meet up with people. But once you do, all you have to do is not be a fucking weirdo and it's crazy it works every single time i've never ever ever not been happy with someone when i was being myself not been happy with so sorry i've never ever not fucked i like a episode 32 or whatever this is when like you decide i finally got shy i'm i'm gonna put my foot down i think on being cool uh this has been more than enough i'm happy that's what it is all right give me my phone back are you done tinder you want to tinder more uh i think well like you said maybe we should wait give it a couple days uh we planted the seeds and we'll

see if any uh t any tinder bushes grow. I really think it's going to happen. I want you to go on. Here's what I want to happen before we leave New York. I want to have one show where we talk about your matches and the messages. But I don't want to turn it off. Anybody you meet is going to be fucking— Yeah, I don't want to turn this into a dating podcast where it's like, oh, then we talked about you.

I sort of want to leave it at that. We did our little piece. No, we're going to do one more. We're going to do one little follow-up, oh, then we talked about you. I sort of want to like leave it at that. We did our little piece. No, we're going to do one more. We're going to do one little follow up and that's it. All right,

just of conversation. For me, I want you to go out on a date, on a Tinder date. But that's just for you. That's a separate podcast that only you'll listen to.

Me recording the recap. I also, I'm going to start another Tinder podcast just straight up Tinder. Tinder talk? Tinder talk. We do get a lot of questions.

So Tinder talk. Me and Rosie. Coming this fall. We wanted to give some shout out. Oh, we didn't even say what email, what the email address is or what the show's about. This has been a real. We're just so like hell bent on getting laid on Tinder. I hope this isn't the first episode someone's listening to.

Well, here's the, I think this is a big problem is that like if you're on Tinder too, then everything goes to shit. Right now, you have it all together and I'm trying to get laid all the time. And if you start just like using Tinder and yeah, everything is just going to fall by the wayside. Maybe I'll like give it a couple days and I'll just let Tinder catch on. No, I'll get off it while you're on it. I think that's the only fair. It's like a seesaw.

When I'm down, you're up and the other way around. I'm going to do that for you. So the way this show usually works is that we get advice. We get people who email us in from they're in a difficult place in their lives, and they don't really know what to do. And they're seeking our advice, and we try to offer it to them. And if you find yourself in a difficult place in your life, and you made it this far in the podcast, then you obviously find us entertaining enough to listen to for 49 minutes. Has it been 49 minutes? No, I think it's been over 40.

No, it's been closer to 50 minutes. God damn it. Check out, or you can email us at ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Yes. If I were your show. Not every episode is us drinking, ready to go out, trying to meet babes. Although, usually it's Jake. That's at least Jake's modus operandi.

How dare you so yeah email us if you find yourself in a dark place in your life and we want our help to guide you out and we are giving still shout outs to people who leave us reviews on iTunes because it really helps out so thank you Araten, Danny Marin, Ty Summers Linskins9 and Lillian Pagaza

you think they're on Tinder? probably and I'd swipe their iTunes review to the right. Actually. So thanks, guys, and thanks for listening. This has been a silly different episode, but you know what? It's a bonus Thursday episode.

Let's get wacky every once in a while. You're crying. Oh, no. You're upset that you didn't match. I didn't not a single goddamn match. Well, no, it's not fair. A lot of these people are just out on a Saturday. You'll match.

Ass. You should match. Ass. You should be able to organize ladies by when the last time they used Tinder. I say that all the time. I actually wrote in. There's like a suggestion box thing on Tinder, and that's what I did. What, like only show me people who have been active in the last X? Yeah, because sometimes it'll show you, like, well, sorry, I don't want to go on a fucking rant.

No, get into it. This is the Tinder episode. Let's hear it. Sometimes you'll see people that haven't been active for like a month, and it, like, well, sorry, I don't want to go on a fucking web. No, get into it. This is the Tinder episode. Sometimes you'll see people that haven't been active for like a month, and it's like, hey, I'm not going to match with this person. Why show them to me? Don't even give me the option. They're probably done using the app. Yeah.

Or what about, can I recommend this as a thing? No group or dual photos in the top picture? And how about no fatties? You know what I'm saying? Insane. How dare you? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

No, no, no. I love that BS. No. Fuck me. Oh, no. Actually, I can't. What do I? You're stuck.

You're absolutely stuck. Let's go before it's too late. You can't stop. Oh, that first song was from Two Juliettes. We said that. But this last outro one, it's another before it's too late. You can't stop. Oh, that first song was from Two Juliettes. We said that. But this last outro one, it's another sitcom-esque themed one. I shouldn't say another because it's our first one. But it's from a guy named Blake.

Blake. So thanks, guys, and thanks for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Peace. Find me on Tinder. No, please don't. Life's got you down, nothing feels right. Well, I'll tell you what you ought to do tonight. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir.

And if I were you, I'd email them in. If I Were You is filmed in front of a live studio audience. That was it. That was our episode. So thank you again so much to LegalZoom. That's LegalZoom.com for all your business needs. Once again, LegalZoom is not a law firm, so it'll save you a pile. Yes, a pile. One pile of cash. Thanks again, everybody.