Segments - 331: Ass Man (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: May 24, 2018

Friend and Comedian Thomas Middleditch joins us live in Winnipeg! We discuss real butts, fake teeth, and sibling sex. If you like this live show, come see one for yourself! We'll be in Amsterdam on June 4, London on June 6, and Dublin on June 10!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Another week, another live Canadian Bonus Thursday episode With the great Thomas Middleditch

This one is from our Winnipeg show If you are listening to this Maybe you want to see us live In Amsterdam on June 4th In London on June 6th In Dublin on June 10th Tickets London on June 6th, in Dublin on June 10th. Tickets still available for the Amsterdam and London shows. We hope you can make it.

The tickets will be at ifireashow.com or jakeandamir.com. Make a trip of it. Come to Europe with us. That's not insane. We're going to Europe. You can do it, too. All right. Without further ado, enjoy this episode live from the Burt Cummings Theatre in Winnipeg

with Thomas Middleditch. Jake and Amir! I'm just gonna show you things I'm in God's plan God's plan Manitoba I feel just like What the fuck are we doing here? Wow Sit down Please sit

For everybody listening at home We got a fucking standing o I gotta cut that down. That was 11 minutes. 11 minutes of a standing O. We have to start the show. I cut it down. We have to start the show.

Really? Because we have like... They were giving it up for a fucking Squarespace ad. It's crazy. Can you believe that? Please sit down. Mr. President, thank you. Jesus Christ.

Is that Trudeau or our president? No, Obama's here with fucking Trudeau. I'm sorry. Thank you, my God. You're 69ing. I'm humble. And why wouldn't you? I'm humble.

Why wouldn't you? I'm humble. Is that Mr. fucking Bean? Canada's own Rowan Jordan Atkinson? He's doing... So the most impressive people that could come to the show are Trudeau, Obama, and Mr. Bean. The big three.

Really? They're on my Mount Rushmore. Why did you do it like that? Oscar the Grouch. So sad. Winnipeg, we are so excited to be here for the first time ever. For sure. Yeah.

We feel the excitement. We feel the energy. My God. Imagine that we're just podcasters. It doesn't really make sense, but we're honored. We almost didn't make it. We were detained. We didn't know Canada had it in them.

Quite honestly, good on you, Winnipeg. They're a little mistrustful. They're like, why do you want to come to Winnipeg? Which makes sense. I kind of misconstrued it as delusions of grandeur. Like, oh, maybe someone wants to... Nobody wants to bomb you, Winnipeg. That already happened with the snow yeah

god already bombed you you should be sucking my dick to get in which is what i said so we were detained that's why we were detained yeah i was tased actually the officer we had our passport and our forms which were filled out very hastily, but I gave it to her, and she's like, oh, you're that comedian, you're doing the show tonight. Yeah, I wanted to go. Yeah. Go sit in that room over there.

This was 90 minutes ago. So we're like, we don't have a lot of time, but we'll sit in the room. But you know me, right? From the podcast. She's like, ha ha, go sit in the room. Pants down, spread your ass cheeks. Rubber glove.

So tell me about iTunes. And then she said, my friends are going to be there. Yeah, she said somebody named Ben. And Sarah. No, Sarah,

Ben and Sarah? Sarah and Ben. Does somebody named Ben work at, do you know Officer Hyatt? Ben and Sarah? Sarah and Ben. Does somebody named Ben work at... Do you know Officer Hyatt? Jill Hyatt? She molested me. Unrelated to security. Yeah.

This was 11 years ago. At a Timmy Ho's. Wait, you know her? You know Officer Hyatt, is it? I don't know. You wish you knew her? You know Officer Hyatt, is it? I don't know. You wish you knew her? You wish you... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She fucking fingered my friend in front of my eyes. Is that fair to you guys? But it is fun to be here despite how freaking cold it is. That's fine. Everyone can get used to it. Somebody tweeted at me today that it's like, it's not cold, but it is snowing a lot.

So it is cold. I'm from Los Angeles. If it's freezing, that's freezing. And if it's colder than freezing, that's also cold. But here in Winnipeg, it can be negative too. And you guys are like, that's not that cold. That's fine.

That's a nice day. There was a guy wearing shorts. Oh yeah, that dude was wearing shorts. There was a guy on our plane and he was just wearing shorts. He was wearing Birkenstocks with no socks. This dude, he was like fucking Frodo going over the...

What? What'd you say to me? What'd you say to me, man? You said Bilbo Baggins to me? Sorry, man. I'm more of a Two Towers kind of guy, but that's cool. No, it's not cool.

It actually is pretty cool. You don't think it's cool? You don't think it's cool that Aragorn Strider won his crown back? I don't think it's cool that a fatorn Strider won his crown back? I don't think it's cool that a fat fantasy writer wrote something. You keep eating it up. JRR

Tolkien wasn't fat. I think. Anyway. Like I said, we're not in Canada very often so it is very exciting to be here. We thought since we do our podcast sometimes with some friends, we should bring a special guest here.

And what better special guest to bring than our... What? He said Bilbo Baggins again. You're obsessed. Oh, Dildo Baggins. That's better. What better person to bring than our favorite Canadian friend? Yeah.

That's right. Friend of the podcast. You've seen him on Silicon Valley. Yeah. They already know now. Perhaps you've heard him in Captain Underpants. Please put your hands together for Thomas Middleditch. Thomas Middleditch. Thomas Middleditch!

We're not worthy. Can you smell? The wrong line. Yeah, just I'm still stuck in that like WWF raw mentality, man. Yeah. That's awesome. Attitude. You could have done the Hunter Hearst Helmsley like water spit thing. Yeah?

Yeah, you could have. I could have, but instead I did The Rock. I'm sorry, is he not big enough for you? You're already mad at us. I'm a man in sports entertainment. You want Triple H? I'm giving you The Rock. That's how I understage now. It's just a solid WWE reference.

That was pretty good. It wasn't the 11 minute standing O we got, but these people are very pumped. Yeah, I know you guys are very kind. I've never been, I've I grew up in British Columbia. I've never been to Manitoba. It's pretty cool. It's beyond flat. I can't believe how flat it is.

What's flatter than flat? You grow up and they're like, oh, you go to Manitoba, it's flat. And you're like, okay, man, chill. Like, the Royal Canadian Air Force, and you're like, oh, you go to Manitoba, it's flat. And you're like, okay, man, chill. Like, oh, yeah, the Royal Canadian Air Force, doop-a-doop-a-doop. And you're like, I get it. It's the same old joke I heard for 12 years. But it's right. It's right.

It's absurd. It's as if it's like the top of a... Zen garden. No, I'm like, I'm doing the top of a... Like a... No, like a perfectly poured Stella Artois. Oh, there you go. Like it just, it filled up and they went.

Yeah, with the little, they have the thing. And ah, it's like you could celebrate it in such a way. Like it's so flat. It's like fucking perfect. And it also, it also does reek of beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much like a Stella Artois. Beer in an old bar.

Yeah. I hate Winnipeg. Oh my God. Such a good song. That's the only time where you can say I hate Winnipeg and be like,

yeah, we fucking love that song. It's true. What's the song? It's I hate Winnipeg by the Weaker Thins. Can we play it? We play a clip? We got a clip, don't we?

Can we have the clip? Ish, let's hear the clip. It's, yeah, it's one of the few good Canadian songs. It's really good. It's really good. What about one week? That and Anything by BNL. Yeah, dude.

No, I was being very sarcastic. I had the Barenaked Lady's greatest hits album. It's a single. Dad. Get out of the rec room. We're playing Sega. You guys want to sit down and answer some questions?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you guys need us, we're just going to be over here. It would have been funny if you came out while they were applauding and then just left. That was it?

Yeah. All right, that's my time. We can only afford to get Thomas for 15 seconds. I charge. But God, it was worth it for the rock thing. So who here has heard our podcast before? Was anybody here dragged by a friend that's like you gotta listen to this podcast and they're like all right i'll come with you but i don't promise to like it all inside jokes from now on yeah

this one's for the day ones get your crowd claws out bitches you don't get that do you don't worry they'll play it for you on the way home and it won't be funny then either. If you're not in a seize the cheese shirt, you leave now. This is a classic, you know, it's a classic audio-based program.

It's a joke, it's a talk-em-up. Yeah, you got the phrases and the zips and the zooey. Yeah, yeah. You've never listened to an episode. It's so clear now. No, I find it offensive. I find it really offensive. But for those of you who haven't heard,

let me just explain to you very quickly. It's an advice show, a podcast. People will email us from around the world. They're in sticky situations. They don't know who to turn to. They figure, hey, Jake and Amir and Thomas could probably figure it out. Sometimes we answer these questions alone, trembling, naked and Amir and Thomas could probably figure it out. Sometimes we answer

these questions alone, trembling, naked, afraid, and wet in our studio. Have you ever been wet with us in our studio? I can't say that I have, no. But goddammit, do I want to be. What'd you say? Huh? What the fuck did you just say? What did you say to Thomas? What did you just fucking say to Thomas? I said you've never

done a wet episode. It's a quick little... But why would we be wet on a podcast? Yeah. Like what? Like in a pool? Or like out of the pool but still wet? Because then that's just like cold.

I didn't think that far. I don't know. It was just a funny little thing to imagine soaking wet. It sounds like you're just really into it, that's all. No, I'm not into it. It would be wet. If the air conditioning is on, I could imagine a more uncomfortable situation.

Just sitting in front of mics, wet, cold, talking about bullshit. That was a weird... What a dumb idea. It was just a silly little thing. I'm sorry. Yeah, silly is right. Oh, wow.

Anyway, so a lot of it is infighting like that, but sometimes we get to the root of these real people's real issues. All we need is a fake name to preserve their... Crandis! Wow, you, sir, right there in the front, you have a booming voice. And you came ready to shout something. You yelled Crandis? You're Crandus. I finally caught you. You've been to every live show we've ever done.

All right. Here we go. Crandus writes, long timetime listener, first-time writer. I've managed to talk myself out of a lot of different situations in my life, avoiding conversations based on myself, not to give any clues away. But recently, I've managed to put myself into a tricky pickle. That's right. A few nights a week, I've been going to an Irish bar, and I keep meeting the same dime. We've been drinking and dancing, and we really hit it off. She's a goddess, the kind of girl you would take a kick in the balls for just to see a titty.

God, that's fucking romantic, man. He must have wrote this pre-me too. Pre-too. Pre-too. Hashtag pre-too. So after a few meetings, I decided to look up the girl in some casual

Instagram and Facebook searches, as one is wont to do, and I saw she had mutual friends. By the way, did I mention I have a girlfriend of a few months and the girl I've been drinking with is her younger sister? Help! I love my girlfriend, but things... No, you don't. But things really hit it off with her sis.

Do I break up with my girl or try my luck spreading the KFC family bucket thighs? Of this 10 out of 10, holler at your boy, Crandis. That was this guy. Let's go to for Crandis. Crandis. And do they have Kentucky Fried Chicken in Canada?

Yeah, we got them. We got it. So Kentucky is the state in America. They know. They get it. They get it. And chicken, you know what chickens are. They have that here, right? It's just you that doesn't know anything about Canada. Okay, that's fair.

So is it legal to go from a girlfriend to her younger sister that you've been drinking with at an Irish bar? Older sister? No, younger sister. He said younger. Is it legal? Is it legal? Is it legal? It's legal.

It is legal. It could be considered widely so poor form. Frowned upon. As Captain Hook says in the movie Hook, poor form.

So it's legal but it's frowned upon you think? Well, you know, I'm always in, you know, I say pursue your happiness my friend.

So that's really what he thinks is going to be good. I mean, you got to go get that. What if pursuing your happiness is pursuing other people's sadness? That's, then you're like a mortal enemy of Batman, I think. Then Batman comes. I mean, that's solid advice. Like, go ahead, but Batman would think you were an asshole. Yeah, yeah.

What would Batman do? Yeah, what would Batman do? He wouldn't kill anybody. He wouldn't. That's his one rule. What's the nicest way to do this? If you break up with the sister and then date the other sister. No, it's the answer.

There's no nice way to do this. Why is there a nice way? Because sisterhood, the proximity is too close. So you can never nicely date your lover's sister? Sister is off the nice table forever? Only if the original sister was like, hey, I don't think you and I should date. You know who I think would be a better match?

My younger sister. It has to be the sister. It's called incestription. Incestription. Incestion. Insertion. Oh,istription. Incestion insertion. Oh, incestion. Inception. Incession.

Yes, an incest inception-ception. It's an incest inception exception. That's an incest inception conception invention convention. You stick it to her dreams, you see. It has to be the sister's idea. But how to convince her that this is a good idea? You stick it to her dreams, you see. It has to be the sister's idea. But how to convince her that this is a good idea? Well, a question that I can't ask Krandus.

What is he thinking with? Is he thinking with his little wiener or is he thinking with his head? Does he just like the younger sister because she's a dime, I believe he put it? He said a 10 out of 10 crispy chicken bucket of thighs. Yeah, he wants to get in his, the fucking slop around in a chicken bucket. I've always said the best way to a lady's heart is to compare her vagina to a greasy bucket of chicken. It's finger licking good.

Yeah, and family size. That's just like, bam. That's where the incest comes back. Yeah. I do declare, be still my heart. I'm more of a grilled chicken guy. What did you say to me? Grease up.

Grease up? That is the dumbest idea. We're trying to get this guy out unscathed just just sister hop into the better sister or the worst sister wait what did they say three subs no threesome oh i thought like three subs like just three six inchers like whatever you want that's how you get a girl fuck himFC Subway you buy her a BMT oh yeah threesome see

that okay it's a very funny you know look I'm not poo pooing threesomes but I think if you had a threesome

and you looked over and they were sisters you'd be like I feel fucking real weird right now but you two should feel super weird

yeah I think it would feel awesome but weird for them. If you have a threesome, is it still incest? No. I mean, yeah. If it's a good threesome. I know the quick answer is yes, but nobody's thinking about it yet. No, because you're in between.

If they're not kissing, but you're kissing one sister, then you're kissing the other. And I'm not saying this is what I want to do. I'm saying this is just what this guy and those guys wanted to do. Yeah. Is that incest if you're just around your sister or brother while they're having sex? Let's swap the genders. Sure. You got two bros and a girl in the middle.

That's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Just qualified. I'm physically ill. USA. USA. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Just qualified. I'm physically ill. USA! USA! If I even see my brother fully clothed, I'm gay.

So you've never seen your brother? Oh, I have. Oh, okay. So this is you coming out. What a weird way to come out. I guess now. Anyway, back to the naked sisters fucking you, Jake. No, no, no, it's naked brothers now.

Naked brothers. So if the brothers have the girl in a 2v1 situation. Well, it's 1v. Okay. Because I, sorry. 1 V. Okay. Sorry. One V, two Ds. Nice. But if you're doing that, you call them two P's. Oh, yeah. One V, two P's.

Two P's. Two P's and a V. Pod. Continue. Just let him finish, man. If it's... And they don't interact, the bros. They just kind of do a two versus one kind of situation. You know what I'm saying? Like an Eiffel Tower of sorts?

No, because Eiffel Tower is interaction. If you high five, that's incest. It has to be even fully clothed again. That's why you've never shaken my brother's hand. I guess it's not technically incest, but I can't imagine a scenario where I would just be okay with looking over and seeing my brother kissing or fucking or doing anything.

That would be like, oh, Jesus, everything's changed now. Yeah, what's the next dinner like with your family? So fuck you and your threesome suggestion is what my point is. I like the idea of the guy who asked this question listening to the podcast. Oh, they gave me an answer. And it's just Thomas being like, if I saw my brother fucking. And look, I like him. I like the guy.

I can't imagine if your relationship's already complicated and then what if you saw Thomas' brother fully clothed? I'm gay. Really? Wait, so if you see any brother? No, no, no, I'm just gay. And sometimes I see people and sometimes I don't. That's awesome, man.

Unrelated to my sexual orientation. Good shit. Cheers. Alright, let's see what else we got. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. What are we cheersing to? To fucking your brother, I guess.

Oh, wait. Good man. Frank Little Ditch. Amir had whiskey. Now we're traveling. Now we're having fun. So wait, do we conclude? Is that it?

You're saying it's not nice to do. I? Is that it? You're saying it's not nice to do. I'm saying you can do it, but it's frowned upon. That's brutal. It's cried upon. It's beyond frowned upon. There's just no escape. If you did that switch, the original

sister would be mad. That would jeopardize their relationship, unless maybe it's on the way out. But he also said he loves the original sister. But what if the new girl gets married to the guy? Then I feel like it's a funny story. It's like, you know, I used to date. I used to fuck your aunt. They'll love that at Thanksgiving.

Yeah, yeah. When everyone's back together. You know, I used to fuck your aunt. Yeah. Pass the chicken. What's the deal with Canadian Thanksgiving? It's the same thing. Is it really?

It's the exact same thing. But you don't have, but not on the same, is it on the same day? No, it's in October. But you don't have pilgrims. That's on American. Yeah, by design. All right. Oh!

We're being threatened! Asylum! Where's the embassy? Take me back, please, to Detroit. I don't care, I'll go. Mike Pence carries you offstage. I'll fucking go. I'm threatened.

All right. Yeah. Can we get a lady's name oh Jill Hyatt right away somebody yell Jill Hyatt oh Jill Hyatt sure did Ben or Sarah yell that no they're from over there

this is a different person we said it a lot at the top of the show very good who do you work for who do you work for? Who do you work for? Jill Hyatt writes, I went down to Mexico on a solo backpacking trip

last week. Hot. I ended up breaking my foot on the first night. Hot. Shwing. So now I'm stuck in Mexico I wasn't expecting

most people pay a lot of money to go there mister I wasn't expecting to meet anybody but then I met Mike he arrived on Valentine's Day and we hit it off do you guys have Valentine's Day in Canada? or is it like Canadian Valentine's Day?

Yeah, it's called Canadian Valentine's Day. Which is like in January or some fucked up shit. Everything's so ass backwards up here. Yeah, what do you eat, vanilla? I want to go back to America with our fucking mass shootings and no health insurance. Hoorah!

It's cold up here, man! Woo! He arrived on Valentine's Day, and we hit it off, playing around that he was my Valentine. He helped me out so much that trip, and we did not stop laughing. Eventually, we started joking about how everyone would come back for a reunion at our wedding next year.

We playfully spoke about how many kids we would have if I would move to the U. the US or he would move to Canada. That's right, she's Canadian. Well, the game of marriage chicken had begun. We decided to take some molly together and watch the sunset on our last night. Tell everyone how dead serious we were about getting married till he went out and bought a ring and jokingly proposed.

I had to take the joke even further and suggested we get married that night. The whole hostel pitched in together and threw us a beach wedding with rings, vows, and a priest. We kissed and I guessed it sparked something in us

because we stayed up all night fucking on the beach. Yeah, it was the kiss, not the Molly. Fuck. It was either the chemical drugs or the smooch. We said tearful goodbyes the next day and I thought I would never

see him again. But I got home and I couldn't stop thinking about Mike. I think I caught the feels for this dude. You mean your husband. He emailed and snapchatted me every day since. He has since invited me to come visit him in Seattle. Here's the problem. Is he just inviting me to hook up?

Or does he just want to be my friend? He has told all the family friends of his that he got married and he hasn't let them in on the joke and they believe him. I have serious feelings for this dude, but he's 34 and lives in Seattle and I'm 23 and I live in Canada.

Am I just attached to this joke because it would be the funniest way to get married? Love, Jill Hyatt. Let's give it up for Jill Hyatt. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. She's married. Bits, bits, bits. That is

elaborate. I took the bit one step farther and we had a kid. Yeah. So now we got this joke, baby. Do we actually have to raise this fucker? It was a prank. And now he's four. Anyway, his name's LOL.

Because we did it for the lulz. Have you ever had a passionate weekend tryst and then like sobered up and you're like, wait, what happened? I don't know. Never like, never bits to that degree. That's a,

are these guys like improvisers or something? Are these like comedy sports folks? They just yes anded all the way to consummating their marriage. They feel like, they feel like jokesters.

I feel like you can get lost in romance sometimes. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You said you even fell in love with Jill Hyatt, the officer that detained you for half an hour. She was forceful, but sweet. Yeah, does this ring true to you at all, staying in a hostel? You stayed in a hostel once in England.

Have you fallen in love for a night? Yes, of course. Yes, I have. Remember that girl in Israel that I hooked up with for a weekend? And we were talking about hanging out, meeting up. And then she emailed me and was like, are you hooking up with other people back in New York? And I was like, oh, no.

Because she wasn't. She was being true. I didn't know we were together I didn't marry anybody on a beach this girl is concerned I feel like I'm on the stand

look your honor this is not about me this is this is about Jill Hyatt she's worried that she's like married to a fuck boy is that what it is

she's like now I'm gonna meet up with this guy and I think he just wants to hook up. It could be true. You married him. I don't know what the laws are in Mexico,

but you might need to sign a piece of paper. I think anything goes down there. But does that hold up in a court? Here? In Canada? Anything goes in Canada, too. Anything does not go here, sir. What's the court system?

Do you guys have magistrates? That seems like something Canada would have. We have grand wizards. We're run by the KKK. Oh, shit. We can finally relate on something. Yeah, man. It's chill.

It's really chill. So the third K stands for Canada? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Krispy Kreme, Canada. You said, you said I love you for the first time on Molly Once at Burning Man.

This seems kind of similar to that. Wait, you said I love you for the very first time in your life? No, no, no. I said it for the first time to somebody I had just met. Oh. Because.

That's okay. People put so much weight on I love you. If you watch any Bachelor fans, I love that fucking show. But you just get a glimpse, you get a glimpse into like what everyone in the world is like taught, at least here in North America,

where it's like, oh my God, I saved up all my coins and today i said i love you to him or her and it's like who cares like love all the time it's the best why do you put all that weight on those words it's so stupid like you can just love whoever you want and say i don't know you can make it as special as you want i love you huh i love you me yeah that's cool dude i don't know you're i like you you're cool this sucks I love you. Huh? I love you. Me? Yeah. Cool, dude. I don't know.

I like you. You're cool. This sucks. I feel that potentially we could take our relationship to almost the next level. But yeah, that's what I think on that stuff. So what... Please some! Yes, please some, of course.

Yeah, you're right. With who? The cast? Oh, us three. Oh, us three fuck right now on stage? Don't... course. Yeah, you're right. With who? The cast? Oh, us three. Oh, us three fuck right now on stage? Don't. Wait. No, no.

If that started happening, you guys are like, yeah, do it. If that started happening, what a weird night that would be. I think we would walk the entire room. That would be so weird. Everybody would leave except for you guys. There's always these moments and you're like, if you've

pushed too far and suddenly the thing you thought was going to be cool starts happening and the reality sets in and suddenly we're all kissing each other and I'm grabbing for their dicks. And they're like, yeah, yeah. They spin me around and I get fucked in front of you and it's hard and it's like

that would have never happened for me. So I'm like, ow! Oh no! And it would be be scary you could see the fear in my eyes and you guys be like yeah do it that would be so crazy you got to think about this stuff before you just yell it out because next time we're gonna fucking do it there's consequences let america be examples there's consequences for your crazy ideas you You could have Trump as president. Right. Ha ha ha! What craziness.

Which takes us back to this question, because every time you're like, hey, wouldn't it be funny if, then sometimes you have a fucking husband that you met in Mexico, and then sometimes you have a racist tangerine as the president. A racist tangerine.

Yeah, and then sometimes three dudes who've known each other for a while have sex in front of a live audience. Honestly, that doesn't seem that crazy to me. Just as long as they play the theme from Wrecking for a Dream at the end. So wait, what do we think here? I think she can see him again. You don't have to put a lot of weight on it.

He probably wants to hook up. He doesn't want to be your friend. He may really like you, but it's impossible at this point. Also, you're 23, like, chill. I think this dude loves her. I think he likes her. He's 34 and didn't tell his friends that he was joking. They had a magical night.

When you're 34 and you have a summer camp, sleep away, vacation, Mexico fling, and you're like, I love you, 23-year-old little thing. On MDMA. On MDMA. And then she comes to visit you in Seattle, and you're like, I love you, 23-year-old little thing. On MDMA, don't forget about the ecstasy. And then she comes to visit you in Seattle, and it's raining, you know. God, Seattle rains. Oh, the Pacific Northwest,

you wouldn't know anything about it. Anyway, temperate rainforest, it's a beautiful country. You're thinning before our very eyes. It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark don't look anyway when she goes there the weekend

like 12 hours in he's gonna be like oh she's in college and you're just he's gonna know that sounds

dismissive but you just always know because for every happy Saturday there's a suicide do you think they get a

do they get a wait what did you think they get it? Yeah. Do they get it? Wait, what did you say? I blocked that one out. What did you say? I said for every happy Saturday, there's a suicide Sunday. It's a Molly thing. That's when you fucking blow your brains out. When you realize the true love of your life,

she's probably fucking somebody else in Canada. Wow. My joke was just going to be, do you think they get a fake divorce or something? But that was funny. That's funny. They can have a joke divorce and go down to City Hall. Right.

I don't want to. And they could have joke spousal support. Yeah. That's fun. That's silly. It's just that you really killed it with the fucking killing themselves thing. I thought I was like, oops, sorry.

I said something kind of like gross, man gross, about like, yeah, she's just in college. And everyone's like, weird thing to say, dude. And then you fucking saved me by just... Dived on the grenade. Yeah, appreciate it. So she should go? I think she should go.

YOLO, man. Have fun. Is it really all that bad if you go there for a weekend and he's like, I just wanted to have sex? And then it sounds like you guys had great sex. Yeah, you guys had good sex. All night. And you married him, so you could have sex with your husband.

That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. This next question is actually very thematically appropriate to some of the jokes you've been making, Thomas. Oh. It's almost as if you knew it was coming. But you didn't.

Do you have a guy's name that we can call this man? A guy? He's asking me. He looked right in my eyes and he asked me. That was very clear. Thomas will wait for utter silence. And it needs to be eight minutes. Jerry Seinfeld.

I'd like him to be named Jerry Seinfeld, but not the comedian, the character from the hit television show Seinfeld. Yeah, based on who it is. Very similar to his actual self, but Jerry Seinfeld writes. No, they're totally different. I recently had three of my friends over at my house the other week.

We were watching. I can guess. Elaine, Kramer, Newman. We were watching 2001 A Space Odyssey. And we were having a good time. About halfway through the movie, one of my friends just started to strip naked. It was hot in the basement and we were all dudes so I didn't really care a whole lot.

After a while, I started hearing noises. I looked over and one of my naked friends was receiving a handjob from another one of my friends. They all took turns jerking each other off

and I sat and watched the movie, kind of pretending I didn't notice what was going on. You're so chill. I'm an open-minded guy. I'll let you continue. I'm an open-minded guy, and I have no problems with homosexuality. I thought it was sort of rude of them to do this on my couch. I mean, this is some of Kubrick's finest work.

I'm not sure if I should say anything about it or not, but I'm kind of afraid of having them over again for fear that they might start jerking each other off again. If you could give me some advice, that'd be cool.

Love, Jerry Seinfeld. Let's go Jerry. Oh, wow. That's, it's, I don't know. I would like to get that verified. That sounds cuckoo bananas. I mean, what was 2001 but Kubrick jerking off onto a screen? I mean, let's talk about it.

It was auto-polish, you know, at best. Look, if this question really is, should I bring this up? Yeah, what the fuck? Hey, guys. No, I think it's weird to bring it up after the fact. You can't, like, start a group thread, name it fucking circle jerk dudes.

I gotta know, though. Like like are they are were they gay or were they no i was hot in the basement what don't you jake was the guy it was hot was it like a group of i want to know if it was a group of gay men or like a group of until that point straight guys And then shit just got weird on one end of the couch. Something unlocked it. I think you have to watch Spartacus next weekend. Yeah, yeah. You just watch a clockwork orange with your parents. And first you've got to find out if it's Kubrick.

Spartacus is not, I think, but clockwork orange is. Really? Yeah. Spartacus? Is it think but Clockwork Orange is really? Spartacus? is it? that's my fucking dude fuck you man I mean you guys are both wrong

but I stand corrected now you have to have a threesome yeah that's the same guy that yelled threesome I don't trust his opinions I think you got a lot of artistic integrity foursome?

is that you and us three or is it you two and us two? It's us, we're watching Full Metal Jacket having a fucking lemon party. Full Metal Jacking Off. Yeah. What would you do? I'm going to assume, I'm going to take this

story at face value and assume that it's real. Yeah. That is like, well, I get it. Honestly, it's not the fact that it's jacking off. It's the dishonesty and the secrecy. This is you having a sit-down conversation. Yeah.

Like, you guys can jerk off. A, it's kind of, it is a bit rude that you did it in my basement. Yeah. No, you're bare-ass on my couch. That's disrespectful. Like, I thought we were all having fun. Yeah, like, get nude, Todd. Like, have fun. That's hilarious. Oh, you're going to keep watching the movie? Okay,

sure. And then I glance over, and then there's, like, multiple sets of hands on Penis. Todd's nude and Greg and Tom are jerking him off. And why,

I mean, not that I would say yes, but why wasn't I invited? Like why, why didn't I get a little hand on my thigh like, hey,

you want in on this? Yeah. We're all splitting a pizza. Yeah. Are you just using me for my Blu-ray? What's going on? From my Laserdisc?

I forgot you had that Laserdisc collection. It's a giant CD. Yeah, so I'd almost feel hurt and excluded in a way. Yeah, it's just uncomfortable to bring it up after the fact. I feel like you have to catch them in the act. You should have turned around and just been like, guys, what the heck are you doing? This is a good part.

What if they hang out all the time? What if these are like the bros for life, right? And they call them, you know, oh, there goes the Kubrick brothers because they like have a Kubrick fan club. Dressed up as the Clockwork Orange dudes. The Kubi crew. The Kubi boys. The Kubi boys.

The Kubi crew. And they go to the old Flannery's Pub all the time and drink brews and talk Kubrick. I think the next time they're sharing brews, Jerry Seinfeld's perfectly in his right to be like, hey, man, about that one time. I don't know if you guys knew that I saw it. The jerking off thing?

Yeah, don't act blasé about it. Sorry. What are you talking about? I just knew you'd fucking bring it up. We were talking about it. I was blowing him and we were talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I remember you were blowing me and we were talking about it

and you were all like... Yeah, I slapped the dick out of his mouth. I bet Thomas brings up the fact that I jerked. My name's Jerry. Right. We never wrote this. Would you say something while it's happening? Yeah, yeah, you gotta turn around while it's happening and be like, quit it.

Knock it off! Not in my basement! Knock it off, you homos! Bring it up to the den! This is a straight viewing session. Yeah, you have to say, and it's not because it's a gay thing. Even if you were chicks jerking each other off, I would...

Actually, that'd be hot. That would be really, really hot. USA! USA! USA! Sorry. Amir spent a summer in conversion camp. I do... I gotta be honest. I think it's really rude that they didn't even try to

include him. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine him. You look over and you're like, what? You're like a bit confused. You're like, I can't believe this is happening. And like no one, and you're just like,

you're fucking Johnny man out. Like why? What if I wanted that? You didn't even offer the Oreo cookie to me. Maybe that's a good way to bring it up. You can say you're offended that you weren't invited rather than that you're pissed that it happened. Don't be mad that it happened.

Be sad that you weren't there. That's not the saying, but... Oh, whatever. We'll slap it on a bumper sticker and see who buys it. Zero sales. Wow. We're about halfway done with the show, so let's get a round of applause as we get to our break.

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slash Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Am I the only one having a second whiskey? You're not? Yeah. Oh, yes. No, I still have some left.

Yeah, that's sort of my issue. Whoa, I didn't say... Yeah, sure, if you guys want to chant that. Sure. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Yes. Bottoms up.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's just water. Beauty spewed. You got to stay hydrated, man. I try to avoid water at all costs. This one was written by an Australian.

I thought it would be funny if you read this one. Cold, but in an Australian accent. Arr, arn, arn. If you got an Australian name, that would be even better. It's the one in bold right there. An Australian name? Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy.

Oh, if it's a boy Australian, his name's probably like Bodie Crotison or something. Yeah, Bodie. Bodie Crotison or something. Yeah, Bodie. Bodie Crotison. Full on fed income. Okay. Okay. I could, yeah, okay.

Recently, the Australian climate has been especially unbearable. With temperatures up to 40 degrees C or 104 Fahrenheit. In the old money. That's funny. He's already quite cheeky. And winds reaching Gail Bettinger strength gusts. And winds reaching Gail Bettinger strength gusts. What's a Bettinger?

I don't know. Very Australian. This has resulted in many of the cheeky babes round the northern beaches to slip into sexy sundresses. When the breeze picks up, those dresses go reverse skydiving and one can have a cheeky peek at those peaky cheeks. I'm kind of reading it. It's a bit, I sound a bit like Aussie Man.

You know, like Aussie Man reviews. Oh, look at this badger. Yeah. The problem comes here. My girlfriend of two months is fed up with me having a right old geez at their gorgeous bums and flattering fannies. She's insecure about her own behind as it ain't no bubble butt. Nah, what I'm saying. Last time she caught me having a fondle out of a fat beach bum,

she spewed threatening to dump and sue. Dump and sue? Sue, yeah. Like a lawsuit? Grabbing a girl's behind is regarded as a compliment down under. Debatable, I think. And one fine piece of rump I took a bite of now enjoys a bit of slap and tickle when the missus is out. She doesn't have a problem with me groping and staring.

She knows what men are like. She said she's going to sue you. She does have a problem with it. Maybe the girl sue you. She does have a problem with it. Maybe the girl that gets slapped doesn't have a problem with it. So what would you do? No. So what would you two do? Schlick with the chick or clench and endure the other wench.

Perpetually classy Australian. Love Crotty Brodison. Yeah. Great work. That guy's definitely from Brisbane, right? Oh, that's a BrisVegas move through and through. So his girlfriend doesn't like when he

looks at bums. Not only looks, but touches. Yeah, touches, which is a compliment down under. What kind of crazy reverse engineering did that culture, like they were like, slapping people's ass is regarded as a compliment down here. Yeah, no. That's him explaining it to

his girlfriend. But then there's also this girl that he's fucking on the side, which he sort of slipped in there real quick, who doesn't mind when he touches bums in fact she knows how guys are so should he stay with a mistress who doesn't give a shit or should he stay with his girlfriend who doesn't like it for whatever reason that he slaps strangers on the ass it be, and this is just me, I'm not Dr. Phil, but it could be that he's maybe not ready to be

in a relationship. It may be that he should just be single. Where did you get that from? I don't know. You can be in love and also want to slap everybody's ass.

That's 100% true. Want to is the key word there. Oh, but in Australia it's a compliment. I've been there and I never experienced that. Yeah. Are there any Australians here? That makes sense.

In Winnipeg? Yeah. I think the closest thing is us. To an Australian? To an Australian. Yeah. That's really cool. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Sorry, no. You're super Jewish, man. But for me to be a pretty Australian dude means a lot. No, you're not. I took it back. Coming from you. And I appreciate it. Are there any other Jewish people in Winnipeg? Cool.

Very cool. I like that. Keeps me warm. What about anyone with names that sounds like they were born out of a Charles Dickens novel? Anyone sort of sound like Neville Longbottom or Thomas Middleditch? Boy, I don't know what to tell this guy

other than, like, don't. Other than to just grab him by the shoulders and just be like, chill the fuck out man yeah both both are bad if you stay with i mean he's maybe he's part of this lifestyle man maybe he's he just needs to be you know poly you know read a few books esther perel or something you want to read up on poly but then like still you should break up with the girlfriend that doesn't like you looking at other girls butts because you are it seems like actively fingering another girl's yeah he's up and he's up in that crawl so you don't want to yeah don't be with the girl that doesn't let you uh touch the other girl's

butt yeah man if you a hound dog and you just need to be a hound dog go be the hound dog but don't drag other people along on the leash. Including the random people. Because then you're tugging, and both myself and Cesar Millan don't like a dog that tugs. Heel. At my level or behind.

You're the dog whisperer whisperer. Nobody else can understand what Cesar Millan is saying but you. Yeah, this guy needs to probably chill out. Yeah, and that. It's not always the answer, or in this show, has it ever been the answer? But I respect the effort.

Maybe one of these ones, I mean, how weird would it be if like the next question is, you know, do I need to have a threesome? I think I need to have a threesome in order to save my marriage or something. And then you guys are like, now, now. They're fast asleep.

Yeah, they miss it. Waking up in church on Sunday. Threesome! Oh my God. Guys, you called it. Called what? Threesome! Oh, my God. Guys, you called it. Called what? Threesome. What?

No, I didn't. What year is it? I fell asleep when they started fucking each other. You missed it. Do you guys have time for one more question? We concluded that one. What's that? I like to have like an ending summary,

a closing statement on each one. You guys just move on without a closing statement. A verdict. You need a verdict, don't we? Don't we need to adjudicate this man's life? Okay, well, yeah, why don't we all, we can all come up with our final answer. The final answer.

Who wants to be a millionaire? Break up with your girlfriend. Keep on hooking up with the girl that doesn't mind when you touch other people's butts, but get permission before you slap other people's butts. Yeah.

Final answer. Mine is the exact opposite on all three. That's so weird. Stay with the girl. Touch people who don't want to be touched. And stop cheating on your girlfriend for crying out loud. Enough is enough,

bucko. Call me old-fashioned. That is very old-fashioned. My advice is to keep hanging ten, keep searching those waves, and honestly, escalate your bum-grab game to game to like grabbing strangers' butts

and screaming in their ass crack. So loud that it comes out of their mouth without them knowing. Just like sneaking up behind people, grabbing them, and... The sound of a fart should come out of their mouth.

I think someone just screamed in my butthole. Why, that's the best compliment I've ever gotten. That guy, that guy that's running away, he just screamed in my butthole. I think I fucking love him. It wasn't me, but I thought it was that guy. Yeah, it wasn't me. It wasn't me, but I'll get him for you. You have shit on your lips.

I know, yeah, that was from someone else. You did that to him. I scared the arse off. Yeah, we all do it from someone else. That you did that to. I do it. Yeah, we all do it. It's Australia, mate, but I didn't do it to you. It's regarded as a compliment. I think I did.

The guy on the motorcycle. It's true. I did it. I screamed in your butthole. Where are you from, sir? The west part of Australia. Everywhere, but I'm from Tasmania.

That's south. I know. He gets the geography of Australia. Nobody knows what we sound like. Flying back to the sun. Flying back into the sun.

The smallest fart noise at the end. Chasmania! Have you ever screamed into a part? Of course. As a joke, I've screamed into a vagina. What'd you scream, echo? Echo.

It screamed right back at me. It was like that scene in Ghostbusters. Winston! No, it didn't scream back at me, but it did elicit a couple giggles. From the girl and everybody at Sanctum watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gwyneth had a ball.

Yeah, yeah, Gwyneth loved it. In her mouth. So she couldn't say anything. She was likewyneth had a ball. Yeah, yeah. Gwyneth loved it. In her mouth. So she couldn't say anything. She was like, you are a riot. Do me, do me, do me. And for only $59, you can be a riot too. 59 grand. Sanctum.

You think for that much money they could buy a vowel? Nice. Have you ever screamed on a penis? Stop asking us if we've screamed on perverted body parts. No, man, I'm serious. Because you looked at your brother fully clothed one time, didn't you? I once used the dick as a flute, but I would never

scream into its urethra. Can we ask the last question? What's that? That's trying to get your lips around the urethra and blowing as hard as you can. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The thinness of a Capri Sun straw. And you're like, what are you doing?

I'm doing it. I'm giving you a blood job. It's not going to make a sound unless you can get a reed in there. Yeah, you've got to slam a reed in there. You need to haveed. Yeah. Oh, come on. Grow up. You have to have a reed. Yeah. When I was a boy, when I was a boy, I was hanging out with another friend of mine and I mentioned, I mentioned a blow job, even though I kind of knew what it was, but I didn't really know. And he was like, what, what is that? What is that? And I'm like, I didn't want to say, cause I kind of didn't really know. And he's like, what? What is that? What is that? And I'm like, I didn't want to say because I kind of didn't really know.

And he's like, tell me, tell me. And we're at my house. And my parents and brother are in the next room. And he's like, fine. And he starts blowing on my face. And he goes, I'm giving Tom a blow job. I'm giving Tom a blow job. And my brother comes in literally about to punch us.

And he goes, what? And he goes, I'm giving Tom a blowjob? And then like blows on my face and he just goes, don't do that, man. And like leaves. That was it. And then I was kind of like, and then I wanted to be like,

it has something to do with a penis, dude. Your brother comes off as sort of a dark hero in that. Like a conflicted sort of a dark hero like a conflicted hero A dark hero? A hero with a weird past It's nice that he came to your defense but it's weird that he came in

and he wanted to punch a kid that was blowing you Yeah, he should have been more accepting He should have run in and been like, I'm so proud of you, six-year-old boy getting a blowjob. Six. Unsolicited advice! Oh, yeah, unsolicited advice. Do you have any?

I thought he was calling that unsolicited advice. That's a new segment on our podcast that we haven't ever done at a live show before. Yeah, do you have any piece of unsolicited advice. That's a new segment on our podcast that we haven't ever done at a live show before. Yeah, do you have any piece of unsolicited advice? Advice that nobody really asked for, but you truly believe in, and it could help a lot of people? Wait, we have to do the stinger.

Oh, yeah. Well, I don't have it. I'll put it in. I know the guitar riff. All right, go. Unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Nice.

It's kind of a potty show, huh? Yeah, it's a full body high. It's a bit of a potty show. Yeah. Very blue. Anyway. Oh, so like, give me an example. Like how real, how deep.

An 18-year-old Thomas comes to you and says, what's the one thing you know now that you wish I knew? A few weeks ago we said everybody should get a water pick which is like something to clean the crap out of your gums. Who here bought a water pick? Really? Off of our shit? No way. Did you use our Amazon affiliate code?

Lock the doors. Welcome to the sanctum. Jake actually once suggested people read the Game of Thrones books, so here you have it. Proof is in the pudding. You really don't want me to read an excerpt.

Asha Greyjoy was seated in Goldberg Clubbers' long hall. Whoa, no spoilers, bro. So if there's anything you could offer anybody listening, whether they've asked for it or not do you have any piece of unsolicited advice? I know we're kind of putting you on the spot and you can take as long as you need

and we'll just edit this part out or make it longer it explodes somebody just threw this part out, you know? Or make it longer. It explodes. Somebody just threw a Bible at Jake. You could learn a thing or two. This one's cool. If it was on Amazon used books,

they would say it was in fair condition. And I respect that. It's a fair condition this day and age to read Asha Greyjoy on this fucking page Tommy

this is crazy you're a very wise guy yeah but I'm straddling between being like two like hippie like just like support each other and like you know what I got veneers and I love them so if you're thinking about it

do it like that's two good pieces of advice support yourself and change your teeth you changed your teeth? You changed your teeth? I changed my teeth. Well, the first, I did it in two different times. And the first time, I literally sat,

it was a new dentist, and she was Russian. What year was this? Russian? Seven years ago. Seven years ago. She was Russian, from the country of Russia. Oh, I see. Sorry, I thought she was just like, did a half-assed job.

I got to turn over here. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. So I am a very like, teeth are in my head. I've had like years of braces and all this kind of stuff. And they're physically located in my head, as all of yours are. So it's just been a thing, always like the teeth, the teeth. And then I sit down and she's like, have you ever thought about getting veneers I was like no never she's like you should

because you're ugly and kind of like your two front teeth at the top they're so narrow and at the bottom they're so wide it looks like you have a condition Well, now I'm staring at you. Yeah, I can tell. No, it's fixed now. I'm so sorry. Thomas, that was great. Yeah, so then I got, you know, so we talked about it. I ended up saying, yeah, sure, let's do it.

And it's weird. She didn't really tell me the process, but for those of you considering it, just so you know, they file your teeth down into little, little like fangs, which is kind of intense. Wait, so your two front teeth basically look like Hershey's Kisses, the top fat at the bottom? Yeah, they're nasty.

And then they shave down the fat part so they look like things even more. Have you ever seen your teeth without the veneer on them? No. I'm embarrassed to say that when they filed them down, the guy, the assistant who always talked to me about his fucking YouTube series. Sorry about that. And I was like, buddy, I'm not going to plug you on the fucking gram. Anyway. How about now, though, on our podcast?

Yeah, well, it's not happening. I can't remember. Never saw it. Dental jams. Anyway, they're busy. They filed forever and they've got to go get something and he just goes, hey, don't look in the mirror. Oh, my God. I'm going to leave one here. I was like, what?

Because up until that point, because they didn't tell me, he filed them into Dragon Points. It's like the Joker. Up until that point, I thought they were kind of just like molding them. Yeah, massaging them. Like taking away the edge. And so I was like, don't look in the mirror. Whatever do you mean, sir?

You grab a hand mirror. I didn't look in the mirror because I was too scared, but I felt it with my tongue, and I did feel that they were two little dragon points, and I cried. And then she came back, she's like, what's wrong? Like, I'm weak, like, I'm stupid. Is your condition the teeth condition

called being a little bitch, she said? I didn't know such ugly teeth turns you into such a big pussy. So you were crying when she returned? I'm crying when she returned, but I kind of, you know, I wiped it away. It was a single tear, a man's tear. A tear made of grease and oil

and dirt. And she's like, do you want to change the shape of your tear? It's also weird and ugly. I give you nice tears. Yeah, we should do veneer tear duds. The tears. You will cry diamonds. But anyway, yeah, she patched it up and you get temporary teeth

for a little bit, which is kind of weird. Like little like placeholder caps, which are ugly because you're like fucking bloody ass gums are like caught in them. It's so weird. It's a weird one. But now I'm pretty and everybody has to admire me. Were you self-conscious about them? Were you like, I got new teeth, just so you know,

or did nobody even notice? No, but I think it's funny to talk about. I think it's hilarious. I'm not embarrassed. It's so funny. I've fallen victim to vanity and I've got my teeth corrected. Isn't that hilarious?

I think that's funny. And don't they look fucking phenomenal? I think they do. I also got the bottom four done, man. I'm thinking about doing this and that. Yeah. I want the nose off to the side. You go back in looking exactly like the dentist.

Yeah, I want the chin gone. I want the Adam's apple enlarged. I want the neck retracted and the back of my skull shaved. I want my kneecaps switched and actually put on the back so my knees go the other way. That's a flamingo. I want my fingers removed

so I've just got them so I'm a super perpetual positive guy. And I want the location, just the location, not the function, the location of my penis and asshole reversed, but I still want to pee out the front and shit out the back. You want to shit out your penis and make a little leg out?

I'm not done, I'm not done. And I would like my belly button sewn shut so it's nice and flat. That's fine, that's normal. And I want to replace my eyebrow hair with my head hair. So it's like long. And like just beautiful and flowy. And it's like, I'm like those dogs that it's like, they're always mad because they have hair in their eyes.

But then you'll also be shitting out of your penis, which is now on your ass. Yeah. I want to be hot, dude. If there are any talented artists listening at home, I want them to sketch what you just described. And we will make that our new podcast art. It will just be if I were you with just this photo on iTunes.

Thomas, some sort of demon man. I will. And tag me on the ground. I love fan art. I love that stuff, especially if it's good. I love fan art. I love that stuff. Especially if it's good. If it's shit, I don't know. Who knows? Here comes Thomas that little prick with a dick

for an ass and an ass for a dick. I made it into a Dr. Seuss book. That's great. I don't know. What happens now? Do we go back? We added you a one last question, a lightning round it. All right.

We've gone over. All right. Good work, everybody. Did you guys have fun? So did we. Thank you. Did your foot fall asleep, buddy? Yeah, a little bit.

That's okay. It's all right. All right. Surge, dude. Perfect. Surge, dude. It's all right. All right. Um, perfect. Sort surge, man. Read one last question, dude. Surge dude. Oh, surge dude. Yeah. Surge dude is this character where it's like this guy who's sort of just like cool, whatever, but he really, he's kind of like a six year old. So he's like surge dude, let's play. Guess who, dude? Like surge dude, let's fucking color man. I love shapes, dude. I love fucking triangles.

Let's fucking sketch shit. Surge dude. I want to play Play-Doh color, man. I love shapes, dude. I love fucking triangles. Let's fucking sketch shit, Serge, dude. I want to play Play-Doh, Serge, man. Yeah, yeah. He wears, like, a flat brim, like, fox hat. Yeah, exactly. He really just wants to, like, do shit. Like, let's play with beads, Serge. Yeah, yeah.

Like, my mom got me these beads. Yeah, yeah. And he's got, like, the Bieber hair, but when you take the hat off, he's, like, really balding on the top. Yeah, exactly. He's FaZe. I know my, exactly. He's FaZe. I know my YouTube stars.

He's FaZe. Surge Dude writes, I'm in a bit of an emotional crossroad and could really use your help. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months. Like the age of a baby. Wait, wait, wait.

How did it start? I'm in a bit of an emotional crossroads and can really use your help. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months and we've been intimate, not performing sexual intercourse, but I have fingered her on multiple occasions.

What a fucking dork! Dweeb alert! But here's where the problem lies I have fingered her on multiple occasions according to my calculations both my index and middle finger have petted rather heavily

around her crotch oh that's the worst too this one? those are not the worst too those are your primary fingering fingers primary? you're doing the ring? I'm doing these two. You've got to get the leverage on either side. Rock and roll, brother.

Wait. I feel like there are too many guys doing it, not enough ladies. Girls, girls, is he right? Yeah, I don't, oh, wow, mixed. I think I'm on your side. Hold on. Sorry. I don't, but isn't this Oh, wow, mixed. I think I'm on your side. Hold on. Sorry. I don't...

But isn't this one, like, hold it. Isn't this the weird finger that you can't lift up or whatever when you're like that? Yeah, it's sort of attached to your pinky. I feel like that doesn't just qualify. It's your pinky's best friend. Yeah, I don't... Wait, which do you... Same guy that yells threesome a lot suggesting fisting people.

But you don't enter... You know that you don't enter with the fist. You enter with the fingers and then turn it into a fucking a mirror a mirror goes just you don't actually like here are you ready

you don't punch through the vagina and you're like I fisted a girl she would be like and like pass out from pain you gently

and then rummage go why these I don't want to step on the fisting advice and then rummage. Go. Why these? I don't want to step on the fisting advice. What are you talking about, these two? That's cuckoo. How do you even?

Because you got the support on either side of the labia. That is how you... Oh, so you're talking about like... This is so dark. I'm so sorry. You're talking about meat management. That is how you bowl good lord home I'm currently fingering a mirror's ass to show everybody no that's how you bowl yeah oh yeah it is how I wait yes I'm proud to say that I'm quicker to know how I finger somebody than how I bowl. Sounds like you're a bad bowler.

In all my years of fingering, and I gotta be honest, I've been fingering since I was two years old. I have never seen the finger ever in my life seen fingering done with the ring

finger. This is your brother after he barges in on you again. Oh, wait. Oh my god. In the porns, that's how you get the... Because they're going crazy. It's the most strength.

Oh my god, yes, because the ring finger gets in the way otherwise. It's symmetrical. Oh my god, yes, because the ring finger gets in the way otherwise. It's the bull horns, man. It's symmetrical. Oh my god. Molly, I'm coming for you. I'll be home in three days, baby. Of course, Jake, you're a wizard. Molly is your cat, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, the question. Oh, my God. Do you know that Tim and Eric bit where they... Out of the galaxy? That's what's happening right now. The last time I was at her house, we were kissing passionately, and I put my hand on her ass, and I rubbed it.

This was completely out of character for me, but she seemed to really like it. And she was getting more and more into it. I personally don't like butt stuff when it comes to intimacy, but my girlfriend was really into it. So my question is, when we are intimate again, should I rub her ass? Or do I just pretend that never happened?

Sorry for the long question. Love the show. Love Surge Dude. Let's give it up for Surge Dude. That wasn't a long question. And it wasn't butt stuff. He was just touching her butt and she was so into it. I'm usually not into butt stuff.

Touching a butt? That guy has to be like 13. That's got to be, he's got to be new to the whole thing. That is, I can't decide if I want to be sad or not. Yeah. Like that bums me out i didn't know i think i feel happy for him yeah he's naive he's new oh he's so fresh he's new he's like at the at the threshold of the forest but it is an enchanted forest and he's gonna walk through it and he's gonna get to read. This is perfect. I don't need it. So he is walking into the godswood, actually, and he's going to find

the weirwood tree, which I think is the anus. Anybody who's listening. Well, look. Here. Oh, sorry. Oh, no. No, no, no. He was taking a very long traumatic pause. He was not done. I wasn't going to recover from it. No.

Well, cause you, like, I can get it if in his mind, he's like, next stop. Like I got to lick a butthole. It's a slippery slope. I really don't want to do that. Like I understand people do that, but that's where you. From mound to anus, it is a slippery slope. So like I could get in his mind, like, man, I really wasn't planning on this. But I think even if you don't go there, just isn't touching a butt,

even if you're new, isn't that pretty fun? Yeah. I mean, in Australia, it's done 24-7. We got it as a compliment, yeah. It's how you tip a waitress, yeah? Yeah. Good pizza. Thanks for the avocado toast you must be really grateful so i feel like um just you know don't don't get too ahead of yourself

just enjoy you know squeezing a touch yeah so the specific question was when we are intimate again should i rub her ass again? It seems like the answer is yes. 100%. Are there any ladies that are like, do whatever, don't rub my ass? Ask her. Ask her.

But I think they're at the point where they're like, I mean, they're kissing. It would be 14 months. I feel like it would be weird if they're like, 14 months and he's just grabbing her ass now. So he's definitely 13. If they're making out and he's like, and knowing how this guy fucking talks, he's like, excuse me, my lady.

May I grab your ass? And she was into it when it happened borderline accidentally. She loved it. He grazed it and she nearly fainted. I think the green light,

I think go to town, explore, challenge yourself. Maybe go between the cracks. I think you gotta go between the cracks. That's how you actually decide if you're actually an ass man. So there's this test that you do to decide if you're an ass man. An ass man?

You going to the Assman Comedy Festival? The Assman Comedy Festival? This guy's opening. So the first level is touching the... Dad. Quit it. Quit it? Still got it.

Or don't. Either way is cool by me. It's freezing out. You're touching your son's ass. Absolutely. Little's freezing out. You're touching your son's ass? Absolutely. Little fanny pack. Level one of touching butt is touching the cheek, right? Sure.

That's the first step. Yeah. And that doesn't make you an ass man. That just makes you normal. That's standard. Makes you fine. Yeah. So what's second base?

Second ass base? Yeah. Oh. Look at the lines. Yeah. I don't know. A. No, a grab. A full grab? A separation?

Separation's kind of cool. Separation's kind of cool. Oh, sorry. I should just clarify that I am an ass space. Yeah, no, I just like it. Like, oh, yeah, separation's kind of cool. That's hot. Oh, that's...

Church and state. Yeah. It's so sad, but that's... Church and state. Yeah. It's so sad, but that's how much I like ass. That this fucking loser describing it to me on stage is getting me like, okay.

This is part of Thomas' edging YouTube video series, too. Third base, obviously, is sticking a little finger in the butt. Yeah. The hole. And then, lastly, fourth base, we finger in the butt. Yeah. The hole. And then lastly, fourth base.

We all know the answer to that. No, that's not even last. Would you rank if we're at fourth or fifth? This is not baseball anymore, right? Do you guys have baseball in Canada? Because Thomas is confused. There's five bases now. Third or fourth, fifth base. The extra bases. Thomas is confused. There's five bases now. Third or fourth base.

The extra bases. The sixth base. What's the highest base? Four. Penile into, sorry, no, we lost one. She's out of here. She's like, I've heard enough. I can't believe she lasted this long.

That's really impressive. I was really interested. You were talking about fisting someone. That was fine, but tread lightly. See what you're saying? Is the higher base penile into butthole or like licking it? Oh, that's a good question. Because licking is more intimate, but sex is often considered the home run.

I don't think if you asked a girl that a tongue is more intimate than a full penis in her ass. I think so. You think so? Yeah, because you're tasting it. I think, that being said, I do have a little taste bud on my dick. Is she tasting it? That is so unwoke of your dumb ass.

We are wrestling with a bear that could turn on us at any second. It is, we are teetering on the edge of suddenly it not being fun anymore. And that's where the comedy is man cause right now it's still fucking

hot right welcome to the Aspen comedy festival I can't handle it yeah I can't handle it would you

girls would you rather have a penis or a tongue? Tongue is farther. Tongue is farther. Sorry, I gotta go with this

dude over here who's been yelling threesome the whole time. He also thinks Spartacus is a Kubrick movie, which still might be the case. I didn't look that up yet. 100% is the case. Okay, well, yeah, to this young whippersnapper, I say don't be shy, you know.

Pat it. Touch the butt. Touch the butt. Touch the butt. USA! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Trump! I drink your liberal tears. Wow. Wow, what happened? You guys chanted Trump at the end. That was weird. That was you. Really?

Yeah. I went into a fever dream. Guys, thank you so much for coming out for tonight. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. And thanks to Thomas Middleditch one more time. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. And thanks to Thomas Middleditch one more time. Thank you, Thomas. Thank you, Thomas. double or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink,

and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a

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