Segments - 332: Jake's Lasik

Episode Date: May 28, 2018

In this episode we discuss breast reductions, sex tips, and Jake's songwriting career.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. If you've been needing some advice Even if it's not all that nice There's a show you've gotta listen to Listen it to white nerdy Jews Who are almost 40 say what they'd do if they were you.

See some cheese so you can sing along to every reference I can fit into this song. Pick an ep so you can enjoy Rose McIver's voice Jake and Amir, baby Jake and Amir are finally here to assist to put you on blast for the things that you ask and probably call you a bitch

so if you have problems that you're dying to solve and if you need help from a Jew send it all here to Jake and and amir the podcast is if i were you wow okay that okay i have no notes simply put that's a final on vinyl that was uh solid i loved it uh jeremiah wrote that jeremiah thank you he wants us to know that he doesn't sing or make music Really? Yeah

That's a fucking eye opener Wow You just You hear that and you think Who's the pro behind it? It's not Jeremiah So what does Jeremiah do? So he took the instrumental cover

Of a manga song Which he says is pronounced manga Not manga you dumbass Is what he says And pronounced manga not manga you dumbass is what he says uh and he sang over it but um the instrumental is not mine only the terrible vocals are says jeremiah so why did he do this he did it to be a part of the show he did it so that we would talk about it and we are and it worked and i have um i have nothing but respect for him. He says the song is called Hikaru Nara from the anime Your Lie in April.

And is Jeremiah going on tour with this anytime soon? It doesn't say going on tour, but I doubt it because he's not a singer and he only did one song. Right. Well, I just feel like this could really go viral. Right. Like, what would the tour be, I guess? I guess he could do other anime, instrumental, cover, vocal, over and try. For other podcasts.

Yeah, for other podcasts. He could do a Pod Save America one. Yeah. Or a This American Life one. Yeah, he could do that one. Or he can do like maybe a High and Mighty one for Gabrus and we'll send it off to him. Okay. Yeah.

I'd really like him to do it for Ira Glasses all, but yeah. He won't. I don't think he's going to be doing it for Ira Glass is all, but yeah. He won't. I don't think he's going to be doing it for Ira Glass. Well, you never know. Do you think you have a better voice than this guy? Yes. But you had to think about it. Yeah, but I have a little more experience with singing and songwriting.

I was a singer-songwriter in high school and college. Songwriter? Yeah, I wrote some songs. You wrote songs? Oh, yeah, I wrote songs. I was a singer-songwriter in high school and college. Songwriter? Yeah, I wrote some songs. You wrote songs? Oh yeah, I wrote songs. I'd like to read one if you still have them on a desktop computer somewhere. I might have, I think I've got like a video of me

and Eddie Gaga performing one. Certainly you remember the chorus or the title to some of these songs. Oh, I do, and I will not share it here. I'd love to hear one title. Okay, I'll give you a title. Do you know the entire song? If I sat down, I mean, I still know how to play the song on the guitar.

And I wrote the lyrics. It's just once. How many songs did you write? It's probably like a, I mean, depending on like when you really start, like if you were starting as early as like my freshman year punk band. Yeah. Going all the way up to the acoustic songs I would write when I was like a freshman, sophomore in college. Oh, wow.

So like when I met you almost, you were writing songs. When I moved to New York, I didn't write songs anymore. That was when I was in New Haven going to school at Southern writing songs. Yeah, writing songs. But like, well, why would you write songs? To get girls to like me. You'd write the songs and play them for girls? Or you'd record them and show them to girls?

I would write songs and then Eddie would sing them and then we would perform them for people at parties. Interesting. I never sang because I wasn't good enough at singing. And you never recorded it? We recorded some songs, but I don't know where they are now. There was recording.

What's your favorite song that you wrote? This is interesting because I had no idea you wrote any songs. I'm discovering something new about you. The one that my core friend group back home still sings is Pretty Pleased. Pretty Pleased? Pretty Pleased. And what is it about? What are you asking?

What are you begging for? It was about... Pretty Pleased is a good name for a pop song. Yeah. So far, I have no comments about the title. I think it's perfect. You like the title? Yeah. So far, I have no comments about the title. I think it's perfect. You like the title? Yeah. Pretty Please was about when I was going away to college and leaving my girlfriend, who was a senior in high school.

And then what would you be asking her, Pretty Please? It was like, Pretty Please, can we stay together? Can I stay here and be with you? Got it. I'm so big. The interview ends now. I want to know just the chorus. The podcast ends with me singing a cappella, Pretty Please, with all of my fucking heart. What is the chorus?

I can't tell. I don't want to just tell you the words. Isn't that better than singing the song? Oh, yeah. It's definitely better than singing it. But, like, I just think if you, like... Give me a line. Pretty Please is the first, or is one of the lines of the chorus. But it's not a full line.

Pretty Please, can I stay with you tonight? Pretty Please, can I see you again soon? Pretty Please, I don't want to leave. I'm happy here. Why can't You See? You loser. I can't believe you fucking said that out loud. Delete this from the podcast.

Oh my God. Delete it. Of course nobody's still listening. So many unsubscribes. Pretty Please, and your friends know about this song. They know all the lyrics. Who can I ask to sing this song for me? You can ask Eddie Gaga, who came up with the melody.

You could ask Christine, Jamie, Lynn, Steve. You know Steve. Actually, Jeff and Dave know this song. Really? Yeah. So we can have maybe Dave or Jeff sing it and send it in. For sure. Yeah.

Would that embarrass you or less embarrassing? I mean, all of this send it in. For sure. Yeah. Would that embarrass you or less embarrassing? I mean, all of this embarrasses me for sure. Which is hard because you have a Dungeons and Dragons podcast and this is like what really gets you. It's really, yeah, definitely. Yeah.

No, there's, that's all. This whole thing embarrasses the shit out of me. Anyway, this is a, this is not a Jake's history podcast. No,

it should be. This is. Every episode we, we regale you guys with one shady story. I wish I still had the lyrics to all of these songs. They're so fucking emo. You don't have them somewhere? In your brain is the most of them? Yeah, in the brain I have a lot of them.

But it'd be really fun to just have one of my old notebooks that had all the lyrics. They're so sad. So sad. Were's so sad. Were you just in a sad place? I mean, I was just in a desperate place. I had some hopeless crushes on multiple people. I wasn't too picky about who I had a crush on. I had five crushes, and each one of them broke my heart in half

just because they didn't like me. Or didn't even think about it. It's not like they didn't like you. It's just like, oh yeah, Jake. And you're like, this is unrequited. And I have another boyfriend and I'm like, but I'm in love with you. And then also I'm in love with Danielle.

I'm in love with Claire too. And I'm in love with them. And then when you were like 19 and 20, who was the goat? Who were you trying to emulate? Who was like, this is the class A standard. I have to be like this person. This is um 19 and 20 dave matthews probably he's saying what you were like wish i could sing wish yeah yeah wish i could sing wish i could write yeah like that i wish i could play

like dave matthews yeah that was like yeah that was what i was going for yeah because you didn't have a good voice and you weren't that good at guitar. And then your songs were also not good. No, that's not true. My songs were dope, my voice was awesome, and my guitar playing was insane. It was also good. It was sort of like a blend of Blink-182 and Dave Matthews. That's what I was trying to do.

Got it. Pop. Acoustic pop punk. Pop folk. Oh, yeah, pop folk. That's what it was. That's cool. Like Jason Mraz. Yeah, but, pop folk. That's what it was. That's cool.

Like Jason Mraz. Yeah, but like a little less poppy than that. A little more like dashboard confessionally. Oh, that's cool. Did you ever have a fedora? No. No, I didn't. That's awesome, man.

Thanks, dude. This is If I Were You Show, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I wanted to do this episode because you're getting LASIK eye surgery today. Yes. I said we should record half the episode before you get LASIK.

And then the second half when I'm blind. That's right. Second half tomorrow after you're LASIK. So right now is just the buildup. You're getting LASIK in three hours. What time is it? It's a little afternoon on Monday. Yeah, three hours. Monday, May 21st right now. We'll release this on Monday, May 28th. You're getting LASIK in three hours. What time is it? It's a little afternoon on Monday. Yeah, three hours.

Monday, May 21st right now. We'll release this on Monday, May 28th. You're getting LASIK in three hours. I'm scared as fuck. Has it hit you yet? Yeah, it has. Was it nervous when you did it? Or you're like, oh, this is in the future.

I'm not that scared. So I went in because I was curious. And then I learned about it, learned the price, learned the recovery time, became a little less scared, but then still didn't schedule it. And then it was a few months, and then my eyesight just got so bad and I wasn't wearing the glasses. And then we have our trips coming up. That's right.

And I was like, I don't want to have to deal with glasses. Yeah, I'd like to be able to see stuff when I go to Iceland. Yeah. So I was like, I'm going to fucking do it. I called, hoping they weren't going to have any appointments because I was like, the only day I can do is Monday the 21st. And they're like, okay, we have the morning or the afternoon. All right. When would you like us to slice your eyes open with lasers? Of course.

The burning is what you smell the most when we burn your cornea. So now a part of me is like, wow, tomorrow I'll be able to see better. And then the other part of me is like, what the hell is this going to be? Did you purposely not do research because you don't want to know? I feel like I asked a ton of questions when I was there, and I don't remember any of the answers, but I know that they all satisfied me. And I was like, okay, this is like a good, reputable, safe place. This is like the number one LASIK place in Los Angeles. That's good. At good, reputable, safe place. This is like the number one LASIK place in Los Angeles. That's good. At least according to Yelp.

The big exciting one is that you're not asleep for it. You're awake while they slice and dice and surgically repair your eyes. Yeah, they do that like clockwork orange style thing to your eyes. Eyes open. You're awake. Lying on a table. And they burn your cornea. The cornea is the little lens on your eye.

They burn it open, flap it up, and then they laser the back of it they give you like a valium or a xanax or something that just like makes you chill out so yeah it's not even anesthesia no i assume they like put like numbing drops yeah i think they they numb your eyes they numb your eyes and you're on a valium so you're just chill and you're like holy shit i'm so nervous talking about this right now like my stomach is literally in knots and my balls have like uh gone into my stomach is anybody gonna be there with you uh jill is picking me up afterwards all right but during it it's not just i wonder if i can be in the room like making videos with you do you want to call it you want to call it and that would be like fun content wouldn't it yeah if we like did videos while it's happening and i was like asking you questions that'd be cool we can ask or That would be like fun content, wouldn't it? Yeah. If we like did videos while it's happening

and I was like asking you questions. That'd be cool. We can ask. Or they'd be like, absolutely not. He has to be like motionless. He can't be smiling

and talking. Right. If you make him laugh when the laser's in there. Holy shit. All right. So we'll try to answer some questions now

when your vision isn't perfect and then tomorrow we can ask you how the surgery went. Cool. All the questions are about can you read this? Yeah.

Can you see this? I'm holding up a letter. Can you read what it is? Here's one from, oh, a lady. We'll call her LASIK. Nice. Thanks. I met a guy recently on Tinder and things have been going really well, like way too well. We were talking one night that I'm a demisexual, which means I'm not sexually attracted to anyone unless I'm emotionally invested in the person. And because of that, I'm still a virgin it to the next level, but he hasn't done anything in fear

of taking things too far with me. So what should I do? I think he thinks I'm a prude because I'm Demi and I don't want to sabotage our relationship by making it uncomfortable, but like I'm trying to fuck. So should I just say I'm down? Am I being selfish because maybe he's not ready? I could really use your help. Thanks guys. Love, LASIK. LASIK. Have you ever heard of this thing? Demisexual? I'm a demisexual? I feel like it almost just sounds like the standard.

Yeah. I have this weird condition in which I can't have sex with someone unless I've known them for a few weeks. But now I'm down to fuck them. Yeah, it seems like what I have should be the condition. Yeah. Hornisexual? What is it called when you're just overtly sexual, regardless of whether you know the person or not? What is it when you'll fuck anybody?

That's the condition. That should be demisexual. That's the thing. Yeah, and then like 98% of people are what, demisexual? I'm down to fuck, but I have to know and like the person. Yeah. Right. No, that's how it works. I get that. And now that I have to know and like the person. Yeah. Right. No, that's how it works.

I get that. And now that she's been with him for a couple weeks, he's ready to take it to the next level, but she's worried. Like, did she even, like, why even preface this relationship with, by the way, just so you know, I have this thing called being a demisexual where we might not sleep together for 14 days. I think we're also calling it a condition. Like, I have this thing.

Yeah. No, like that's what her, her sexuality is demisexual. Of course. Which seems like the most standard one. I don't know. But fuck it. Yeah. If you, if you've already like told him this and he's being ultra respectful, that is cool.

That is hot but i do think if you tell him you're down to fuck then that breaks the spell and you guys will have sex yeah and he'll be like this is great i'm glad i waited the few weeks it won't it won't bother him it won't be weird or it'll be weird for a second then you'll sex, and then it won't be weird anymore. Have you ever had to wait? Yeah, yes. People have been like, I'm not comfortable yet. Yeah. And you'll wait.

Sure. What's the longest you've waited? In my adult life? When I was younger, like in high school and college, it was pretty standard to wait weeks or months. Right. Could you believe you're hooking up with all these demis and you didn't even know about it well i guess that's different when you're like when you haven't slept with a lot of people or sometimes you even haven't haven't even slept with anybody uh that it's like you want to be a little more um a little more like picky but then at a certain

point for me the floodgates were open and it was just like, it doesn't, nothing matters anymore. So the question is, should I just say I'm down? I guess yes. Am I being selfish? No. And what should I do? You already said, say that you're down. You're available now if he's interested.

I bet, I'll bet you that he's excited about that information. Same. He's into that news. He will like it. All right. Another female question. Ooh. What's another type of eye surgery?

Oh, what about cornea? That's a cool name for a lady. Yeah. Cornea. Right. I'm starting college in the fall in England, and I've never had a boyfriend or done anything more than a peck on the cheek. Ooh. But here's the issue.

Before I go off to school, I'm getting a breast reduction going from a 32F to a 32C, and I'm going to have major scars on my boobs for around a year. Do you think I should let prospective guys know about my Frankenstein chest before we get busy? Do you think boys will really care? Do you think UK dating protocol is different? Also, any sex slash makeout tips you wish you would have known when you were a freshman in college would be very much appreciated oh huge fan for a long time uh sincerely cornea all right cornea do you have to warn someone no i mean as long as you're healed and you don't have to warn them to like, hey, be gentle with my breasts because they're sore or because they're like stitches there. That's right.

No, I don't think you have to warn anybody. Also, I think most of the time when you're hooking up in college, it's going to be dark. They won't really know. I think like you can have a conversation at some point to clarify what stuff is, but you don't have to say like, heads up. Yeah. Just so you know, I used to have bigger boobs. What if you start dating somebody and then you're like, by the way, I'm getting smaller boobs in two weeks.

Should you let them know? I guess. Heads up. What you see isn't what you're gonna get. I don't know. Just so you know, I'll have different boobs soon. You're,'re well you're a boob guy so i think that matters more to you oh so if she was like just so you know i'm getting a butt reduction you'd want to know i would yeah i demand to know i would throw myself in front of the car on the way to the

hospital you actually makes people fill out a questionnaire if they're planning on changing their butt before dating you as long as well, well, if it gets bigger, that's cool. Oh, okay. So, yeah. Only in one direction is it fine for you. That's a Drake line. I'll pay to make it bigger. I don't pay for no reduction.

Really? Yeah. That's not very woke. Well, Drake actually has a pretty fraught writing relationship with women. Really? It's really romantic, but then he's a little condescending and misogynistic, to be sure.

He'll be like, you have to pick up when I call. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly correct. Like, you better not be at a place where you can't pick up when I call. Right. Don't send me the voicemail or text me and say, I'm busy right now. And like to Drake, saying like, you're a good girl and you know it.

Yeah. Like that's a good girl to Drake is somebody who doesn't party. Yeah. Oh yeah. What is it? Like stay at home? Yeah. That line's about stay at home.

I don't remember it now. I think it's pretty please. Hold on a second. There is a hotline bling line about stay at home. Oh yeah. Stay at home. It's pretty please. Hold on a second. There is a hotline bling line about stay at home. Oh, yeah, stay at home, now going out more. Right, yeah. You used to not go out as much.

You used to always stay at home, be a good girl. You was in the zone. You should just be yourself. Right now, you're someone else. Yeah, so he doesn't like when other people are partying and hooking up with other people, because that's what Drake does. That's right. But you should stay at home and be a good girl, waiting for Drake to be done partying.

And I hope to fucking God it calls you. Do you think UK dating protocol is different? I don't know. They're very polite there, so they probably wouldn't say anything about your scars if they noticed. Do you think boys will really care? I don't. Same. Yeah.

From 32F to a 32C, it'll be exciting either way for them, I bet. Yeah, it sounds like you're just going to be able to walk around easier. That's going to be great for you. Sex slash makeout tips. You wish you had known. A makeout tip or a sex tip. I guess. I'm going to urge this lady to be a demisexual.

Really? Yeah. You don't want to lose your virginity without being emotionally attached. Yeah. I don't know. That's nice. That's smart. But is there any, I don't know, is there any like sex tips that you wish you knew when you were

younger? I don't think that like, it's like a tip thing. It's more of like a practice thing. Yeah. You have to gain experience. Yeah. Sex is interesting because no one really teaches you how to be good at it. You just sort of do it and then like you'll gradually get better or stay the same as you

go on. You learn what it is. So I guess like just do that learn what makes you feel good because that's like what's more important later on too yeah most of our tips are for guys yeah so it's it's hard to give a sex tip to a lady right let's just give guys sex tip yeah okay so get your cock nice and hard before you put that condom on. Very good. That's really good. Practice safe sex.

That's a tip that you wish you had known. Yep. Remember when you got all those girls pregnant with your songs? Oh, that's true. All right, let's take a break. It'll just last an ad for you guys listening, but it'll mean a world of difference for Jake who may or may not be blind

on the other side of this commercial. It'll be a day. It'll be a lifetime. Either that or you'll have laser vision. You said you're a little afraid of having too clear vision, right? I think that what I don't like is when I wear my glasses

and I have really clear vision and people look at me and they see that I'm wearing glasses and they know what this, obviously I'm insane. Yeah. Uh, but I like can see too clearly. And then like people look at me and like the glasses are this thing, like, like this device that I'm using to cheat, to see them clearer than I should. Yeah. And it makes me feel like what I'm doing is invasive. It makes me feel like I'm wearing

x-ray goggles and then people can see feel like I'm wearing x-ray goggles and then people can see that I'm wearing the x-ray goggles. Got it. But I don't have any problem with how clearly I see. I would rather have that and just no glasses.

Of course. Of course. All right. If it goes well for you, we'll find out soon. And then who knows, maybe I'm next. Whoa.

Yeah, right. No, never probably. All right. Back soon. Thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off

your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. I'm blind. Oh my God. Yeah. A day has elapsed.

It's been basically almost 24 hours. Yeah. The first part was on a Monday. You got your LASIK surgery. You're back on a Tuesday. How'd it go? It went well. Okay.

I'll say one thing. It is a little more invasive than they let on. Yeah. Just right off the bat. Like when people are like, Lace, it's no big deal. You're in, you're out, it's fine. It's a little bit of a big deal. Well, let's slow a little bit.

So you take an Uber there because you can't drive after. Correct. You arrive, you check in. It's like an audition or a doctor's or like, what's it like? Like a haircut place? Yeah. It's like a mix of all of those things. Yeah.

You sign in. Yeah. They send you to a room. You have like a big packet of stuff that's like, here's everything that you need to know. Like you might experience discomfort. A waiver, basically. Yeah, exactly. If they blind you it's

not their fault you know what else was fucked up like as i was walking in there were two different phone calls of people complaining and she's like yeah no you shouldn't be still like have your vision shouldn't be like hazy like that like you can come back in and then like as i'm sitting down she's like yes no it concerns me a lot that in five days and you're feeling discomfort still that like i have to be straight up with you that's not that shouldn't be yeah i mean you're my patient so i'm concerned if you do 10 of those a day you're going to be fielding one or two of those types of calls every hour so i was pretty nervous at that point yeah and then she's like don't worry that's a rare condition well they weren't even talking to me they like just sat me down i initialed all the lines that were like, you might be uncomfortable.

It might not work. All that, like the waiver shit. Then you watch a seven minute video that tells you like how to care for your eyes afterward. It's called, this might be the last video you'll ever see. Yeah. So I looked at it beforehand. I looked at, I was just like looking at Instagram stories. I'm like, this is the last time I'll ever...

The last thing is like a meal that my friend from high school cooked that looks fine. All right. Someone's on a boat tour of New York City. Great. Time to be blind forever. Dave Rosenberg is live again. Glad I saw that. For the last time.

So then you finally, you watch the video and they take you to the room. And is it like a dentist chair? Well, before that, they take me to, not the laser room, they take me to another eye. Basically, I get a brand new eye exam, even though I've done it with them before. Oh, I see. And that's where the doctor comes in, who is like a fucking celebrity to me at this point because you've seen him in the video holy shit you see him on the poster you never see him but there he is he gives me the eye exam it's like better or worse one or two one or two they get your prescription get my prescription um but like really nail it like it wasn't like lens crafters

it was like yeah is there a lot of pressure you're like i don't know they both look the same like that was marginally better to cut my eye out dude for it because it might not actually be i can't tell but then they take like 3d scans of your eyes after that to verify the prescription so what was your prescription do you remember i think it was negative it had to change it was like negative 1.25 okay the right eye with like a 25 stigmatism or something does that make sense yeah and then in the left eye was like negative one with the 50 stigmatism got it i've recently found out what those numbers are like 2020 vision is perfect what you can see from 20 feet a person with perfect vision can also see from 20 feet. And then when you say you're minus 1.25, that means like what you see from 20 feet,

a guy with perfect vision can see from 125 feet. Holy shit. Yeah, so I minus 300. So a guy with perfect vision would have to be 300 feet away for something for it to be as clear as I see it from 20 feet. That's insane. Yeah.

Wow. And then like it goes worse and worse and worse from there. So you have minus 1.25, which is like kind of blurry, but like not, I can't survive. Right, exactly. And that was sort of like what it was. Like I would walk into the gym or a bar where I was like going to meet somebody and I like wouldn't be able to know if they were there or not.

Even while I was eating dinner with them. That's like the shape of somebody I know, I think. Right, but no details in the face. No details in the face. And then this morning I was like walking to work and I saw a guy on a Segway. I was like, I can see your dumb face, you little Segway loser.

Well, no spoilers yet. Yeah, sorry. You get to the, you meet the doctor. Meet the doctor, gives you the scan. I get the, then I get like the eye scan. Yeah. Then I go into another waiting room that's a little more private. Yeah.

Dimly lit. Oh. They come and they give me a Valium. Whoa. To calm my nerves. Wow. Did you feel that Valium? I felt it on the ride home because as soon as I took it, as soon as I took the Valium, they're like, my nerves. Wow. Did you feel that Valium? I felt it on the ride home.

Cause as soon as I took it, as soon as I took the Valium, they're like, all right, I get in the chair. Like, well, what do we hide the drugs?

What about when you're in the dim room? Is it like the anxiety of like, you're about to go on a roller coaster? Is it the anxiety of like, I'm just going to take off on a plane. Are you feeling it at all? Are you feeling nothing? It's definitely more than that.

It's the anxiety of like, oh, it's probably, it's similar to the anxiety I felt when we went on the swing in New Zealand. That bad? You know, probably not like... Like dangling above a gorge anxiety level? Probably in between that and like when we are about to go on stage and perform or something.

Got it. So in between like a two and an eight. Yeah. You're just like, wow, this is pretty bad. But not like, oh, shit. Right. Not like I need to run away and not do this yeah which i guess is like sort of how i felt on the swing yeah it was like the kind of maybe a little more extreme than the dentist yeah getting a care like above like a shot yeah right exactly like i know it's gonna hurt but it'll be fine yeah it's like i know this is gonna be uncomfortable and i'm scared and it could have like really bad consequences but i'm also not going to run away i'm not gonna leave this is happening yeah because people have done

this before and they've been fine it's happening yeah so they're like all right take you take you to the room this is the room where it's happening yeah and there are two it looks sort of you've seen like an mri machine or something yeah it's like a full-on you lie flat on your back there's like a huge plastic tube uh not a not like a full on tube, but like a, almost like a half, a half circle thing. Like a tunnel of sorts. Yeah. You don't go fully into a tunnel though. It's like a big, a big helmet that they like can swing over you.

That's kind of what it is. It doesn't cover your whole body. Just your, just your face. Got it. So you lie back, your head goes like into this like sunken like indent there. I wonder how many people at this point are just like, I don't want to do this. Nevermind. I thought about it a little bit. I was like, this is crazy.

My eyes aren't that bad. I'll just, nevermind. I'll wear glasses. That's also fine. But it was also more like less the laser and more like the recovery time. Because every time I've gone in, they're like, oh, yeah, next day, you're good. You go to work. And this time I went in, they're like, all right, next day, you can go to work.

And two weeks of these drops and these drops and sleep with these goggles for 10 days. And I was like, you guys said this was casual. This was a bait and switch. I have to go to Iceland in a week. And I can't just go without my Iceland. Yeah, now I have to bring two, I have to get droppers and fucking goggles. Okay, so you're in the fucking holster. They're about to like, it seems like 2001 A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I'm in the holster. They tape my right eye shut. Tape it shut. Yeah, and then they put like numbing drops on my right eye shut. Tape it shut. Yeah. And then they put like numbing drops on my left eye. Okay. Uh, once those are in there, you, the doctor sort of like holds open my eye and he slides the plastic.

It's not like a crazy clamp. Yeah. But you can tell that it's like, it goes under your eyelid. Oh, under your eyelid. Yeah. Wow. So it's keeping your eyelid open. Yeah. And how does it not keeping your eyelid open. Yeah.

And how does it not dry out? Because I need to blink every like 10 to 30 seconds. Well, they're covering your eye. They have like lots of different drops. I don't know how many different drops I got in there, but like. Blink replacement, basically. Yeah. You were moist.

They wash it out with water. They like put a bunch of like numbing cream in there. And then like the doctor straight up like takes what seems like a brush and just like brushes your eye. Cause like all you see is like kind of blurry lights. And then there's just like a windshield wiper type thing that goes across your eye. And that's a brush or was that the laser?

That's the brush. That's him like getting my eye ready. And are you asking him questions? Are you, is he telling you what's going on? He's like, you're doing great. And I like like i have like jokes in my head a little bit like i wanted to say you're doing great but like everything that was ever i didn't even have a response because it was like five basically my i was so scared that everything was i got a five second delay so you opted also they like asked me if I wanted a blanket, so I'm lying there with a blanket.

Petrified. I should have gone. All right, so you opt for not the Zacto knife blade slicing your cornea open. I went laser. So you have a thin layer on your eyeball called your cornea. They have to slice that and flap it up.

Yeah. Kind of like little sunglasses. Yeah, the first laser is what creates the flap. Yeah. So that's what he says. He's like, all right, I'm going to laser your eyes open.

He didn't say exactly that, but I did know like from watching the video that that's what was about to happen. He was like, are you ready? How many people say no to that? I bet. Like,

I guess. Yep. Yep. Actually, I'll wear contacts. I think it's just like this weird, like, friendly thing. Like, I was so nervous. I didn't want to do it.

He's like, how are you feeling? I'm like, good. Thank you. I kept on saying thank you. I'm excited to see you. All right. Thank you. Okay.

Thanks. And, like, there's just these sort of, like, blurry red lights. And then, like, one green light. He's like, look at the green light. Look at the green light, he's like, look at the green light, look at the green. And he's like, you ready? Here we go.

And then it was just like a sound. And the, the green light went from being sort of like a blurry, like stoplight green to like the point of a pen. That sharp, super sharp, green laser. And it starts like moving around and he's like,

don't follow it. Don't follow it. Just relax your eye. I might have followed it by accident. What am I? Okay. And then it lasted like truly maybe like five to 10 seconds. But that's just the flap part.

That was just the flap part. Then they taped that eye shut. Oh, they flap and then they don't do the LASIK part yet. Not yet. So they taped that eye shut. Oh my God god can you imagine seeing a video of that I would hate it

fucking eyeball being slit open I would so hate it and then they did it to my right eye exact same thing are you nervous at this point or are you like

okay now we're in it no after so as that was ending he's like alright we're almost done and like then I started like laughing because it was like

so nothing it didn't even I felt like the tiniest bit of like pressure um you know like when you i guess like similar to going to a dentist when you have like novacan and like you feel like just like a touch on your gum but it's probably like stabbing yeah but it's nothing it's like just like just like somebody pressing on your eyelid a little bit just And they're actually lasering it open. So they do that with that second laser. Still green.

Create the flap. Yeah. Same exact thing. Go back. And then they sit me up, and they help me over to the next laser. And I'm not opening my eyes. And they're like, you can open your eyes. And I did, and I was like, I'm not blind.

Everything was blurry, and my eyes were like watering a lot. I guess that's also like the numbing stuff. So your flaps were open at this point. I don't know, like, yeah, I think they had been created, but they hadn't been peeled back. Got it. So slit there, but flaps still down. Yeah.

So then I go back into the next machine, and they do, I mean, the exact same thing. Tape one eye shut, hold the other eye open. And this, I believe- It's not the same machine. It's a different machine, different laser. But this is when the doctor peels back the flap. Oh.

And the second laser, exact same scenario. Look at the green. And now I'm a pro at this. I know exactly like- Yeah, it's the third time. Look at the green, relax my eye. Blurry green turns into the sharp green point. Yeah.

But this time you hear like sort of, this is like they're like melting away some of the cornea. The actual, the front, not the back of your eyeball. Right, yeah. Like, because I think what it is sort of, it's like a windshield. It's like a glass lens.

But like, I had like a lot of cornea buildup so they like hollowed it out a little bit okay i don't know exactly what it is but they're like they're creating a a better lens got it and that involves like just straight up burning some of it off so you smell it that's the fucking crazy part and this is the actual lasik surgery that's happening there's no third step yes there's no third step so they lift up the flap and then they start burning the cornea burn it off and you like can feel you can't like feel anything besides like the pressure but you sort of just like know what's happening so like a laser is burning yeah that it's like they're taking away little pieces of your eye and how do they possibly know it's like they're taking away little pieces of your eye. And how do they possibly know? It's like, all right, don't take too much because he's only a minus 1.25.

I think, I mean, that is all the lasers and the doctors. I don't know. Like there's, is he actually controlling the difference of the laser between a 1.25 and a 1? It's a good question for him. I don't know. We should have him on the show. I'd love that. I would love to talk to Dr. Lee.

And what does your eyeball burning smell like? It's hard to describe. I've never smelled anything like it. What, did it smell like meat? Did it smell like burning paper? No, it smelled a little more, less like that, more like a science experiment kind of burning. Got it. Like a sulfury meat. And he's like, ignore the smell, that's experiment kind of burning. Got it. Like a sulfury meat. And he's like, ignore the smell. That's just your eyeballs burning.

Or he didn't even bring the smell. Yeah, I just sort of assumed that's what it was. Got it. So they do it to one eye. Then they do it to the other one. And he's like, all right, all done. And he's like, yeah, you did great. And they were like, all right, go in here.

They dilated my eyes so he can give me like a post-exam thing. And then I just like sat back in the waiting room, just like shutting my eyes. Were you like, I hope when I open them, they're fine? Or they're like, it won't be fine for a little bit? They didn't say anything about it. I was imagining that I would just be like lights out blind. Black. But like when I opened my eyes,

I could see, you know, not good, but fine. I like what blurry. I looked at my phone to see what time it was and I couldn't see that. Got it. But like,

I could see I was, I was walking out of the room. I like, I didn't need help. I could have like found the door, found the seat. Everything would have been fine. Got it.

I could see everything, but just not like little specifics. And the weird thing is is like then i looked at my phone to see what the time and i couldn't so i like held it closer to my face and i like there wasn't i couldn't see it there was no just like total blur like light sensitivity blurriness or like just every just like i wouldn't find sharp like a sharp edge on anything you're wearing sunglasses that they give you uh at that point i was not wearing the sunglasses yet. I wore those afterwards. Okay.

Oh, no, I was wearing them. Yeah, I was walking around there wearing sunglasses. And then how long are you waiting before he checks to see his work? 15 minutes while my eyes dilated. Then I could see my eyes weren't that blurry anymore. I could see pretty well. They put more of the numbing stuff in there. And that got them nice and wet.

He came in. He looked at my eyes. He said that it went really well. He said, you did great. And I was like, thanks. And that time I finally said, you did great. And then that was it. And they said I would,

then I had to wait 45 minutes for Jill to pick me up because I had told her to come at the wrong time. Got it. So you writing, you can't look at your phone or you can sort of look at it. I couldn't read a single thing on it. And also they tell you like not to look at a screen, just basically. Are you still nervous at this point? Like I hope that went well.

I wasn't. Yeah, I was more uncomfortable. I was like, all all right i want this to be over this is like now i have to like just shut my eyes for the entire night then i have to go to sleep and like wake up and hopefully feel better what was home like when you got home uh when i got home i could see a little bit i could see enough when i got home that i like uh downloaded the tune in app and put the Cavs game on so you were listening to a radio so I was just I listened to the whole entire Cap game uh lying on the couch

with my eyes shut and then Jill made dinner have you ever listened to a basketball game on the radio no but I love it oh that's interesting by the end I could really see it really yeah that's cool so who needs LASik um you just need a really good radio play-by-play commentator that's true if they could describe the street shot the street signs as i drive home were you nervous to like were you constantly checking to see if your eyes were better and you're like it's okay it's fine it's not yet i was more nervous about like i just wanted to rest them even more than they said i should like i think they said after a few hours i can like use your eyes. Yeah. But I just

I straight up basically kept them shut all the way up until bedtime and then I just went to sleep. Because I was like really nervous to sleep where you're like this is great. Eight hours of shut eye. I was nervous to sleep because I didn't want to like rub my eyes or like move the mask. I just kept on imagining like rolling over and like putting

my arm on the mask and having it dig into my cornea. my god ripping the flap off so i like slept like a dead person just backups or on my back i straight up i put my sleeping mask over my night goggles yeah you like one false moon just like slides it open like a sheet coming off of bed and a couple and but i pretty much slept through the night woke up is there a nervous mark when you're waking up you're like i'm gonna open my eyes for the first time yeah when i did that i was like oh it's like everything is like a little blurry my eyes are really sensitive and i was like well that's every morning yeah and then i brushed my teeth and i went out into my living room and in my from living room, I can like see a house like that's way up on a hill.

Yeah. And it was like just ultra clear. Whoa. So that's the moment. I was like, I felt like a goddamn superhero. It was like, and then I was like walking around.

I was like, I wouldn't be able to like read the title of that book usually. So there's a lot of like guessing, like, wait, did I, did my eyes used to be like a little bit like,

how better is this? That's right. And then when I went to, finally, when I went to work, I was like, I walked and I took the train and I was just looking at street signs, looking at shop signs,

like testing my eyes. And it is crazy. So that's a full success. Oh yeah. I can see so much further than before. And there's still like a little sensitivity about light. My eyes are like getting a little tired, but in terms of like what I can see. Oh yeah.

I can drive. You're going to drive. And I can see, I can see just so fucking clearly. You don't, you probably don't have to use the drops. Yeah. I mean, what do I need the steroid drops for? I'm the man. Oh, yeah.

One of your flaps is kind of dangling. Really? Yeah. Here. Let me just massage it shut. Ouch. Oh, you yanked it. You yanked it like a Band-Aid.

That was my flap, man. I thought it was top down, not bottom up. I am so sorry. I wonder if that happens. What would happen if the flap came off yeah i don't it takes um i think they said like 10 days before the flap is like you're not supposed to i you're not supposed to take a shower in the first 24 hours you're not supposed to like rub your eyes really hard for a straight up month a month oh because then it could just yeah you

don't want to disrupt the flap wow it's like a scar that's healing yeah holy shit so i'm gonna i'm trying to take real nice care of the flaps. Real good care of the flaps. For now, you recommend it? Yes. I think if you're, definitely for people like me who's like, I just couldn't get used to wearing my glasses. And I was like living my life with everything blurry. I think that like it's different if you're like, if you're good wearing your glasses.

Yeah. It would be a whole rebrand for me i'd be like a different human if i could just see without glasses but i'm kind of curious maybe that's the next step whereas before you got lasik i would say i was like zero percent into it now i'm like five percent curious you can go and get a free consultation and see if you're a good candidate no this is fine i I'm probably a great candidate. Then just go do it. I mean, I could do it and then just still wear glasses.

That's the weird thing. Yeah. And then if you ever, like when you wake up, you would just like have good vision or if your glasses were dirty, you could take them off

and you'd be able to see. Yeah. But I don't want to be that guy that's like, do you need glasses? I'm like, actually, I don't. I just wear them anyway.

I think that you're, you're 35 now. You're confident enough that like, if, I don't. I just wear them anyway. I think that you're 35 now. You're confident enough that if anybody made fun of you, you'd be like, I spent my whole life wearing my glasses. I like them. I have thin skin. I like the way I look. I wore glasses for real for 25 years, so don't give me that bullshit.

I suffered. And now they're trendy, and I can see. But I'm going to be trendy. It's like wearing a watch or something. Yeah. Yeah. I would rather get LASIK than wear a watch. I don't know.

Try to convince me, people. Tweet at me. I think you should because it's just so nice. Yeah. I'm curious. I'm definitely a little bit curious. All right. Let's talk about our live shows and then get the hell out of here.

That took up the entire fucking second half. I hope you're happy. That counts as my unsolicited advice. That's right. curious um all right let's let's talk about our live shows and then get the hell out of here that took up the entire fucking second half i hope you're happy that counts as my unsolicited advice that's right if you're thinking about it get lasik lasik uh all right so uh we're going to amsterdam on june 4th uh london on june 6th that show sold out and then dublin on june 10th come check us out jake will have perfect vision. I would love to see you there. Nice. Thank you. Did you take any selfies during the LASIK? No, I took one afterwards, the one I sent you.

Oh, good man. Yeah. Do you know what your vision is now at this point? Yes, I got an eye test. Yeah. My vision is 2015. That's better than 2020. But it's 2018 now.

I'm better than perfect. Just like 2015 was a better than perfect year remember 2015 oh that was we thought trump was just like uh yeah silly little thing that wouldn't happen you think trump has contacts in because he's never wearing glasses did he get lasik let's say he didn't and he's just down to be a blurry guy i think his vision is blurry and i think that's good You never see Trump in reading glasses You never see him like take reading glasses Out of his joke like coat pocket

He doesn't read Put it on and read like a menu He probably stands close enough to the TV that he can just see without like Oh that's good Or like he shouts at the drive-thru menu So like he sort of already knows what he wants Oh yeah he's got the McDonald's menu like Quarter pounder medium fries.

And three of them. Now, please. That is what he does when he goes to the drive-thru. You know he's going to the drive-thru. Of course. We'll answer some more questions next week, I promise. Closing theme song is by Travis. Wait, Travis Scott?

No, I don't think so. I was going to say, because that'd be insane. It's a fun rock and roll riff. Awesome. So enjoy it, and we'll see you guys next week. Fun special guest, already recorded. Get pumped. Get very pumped.

Bye. Looking back at me, I see that I never really got it right. I never stopped to ask the dudes, oh what would you do? I knew, the audience of dudes that get me by, fits my cinch with a dope advice. If I were you, what I really meant to say, email jayaday today. If I were you, show.com. If I were you, show.com. What I really meant to say is email jayaday today. If I were you, show.com.

If I were you, show.com. Starts now. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of we're here to help so listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle which includes a core sheet set which is the thing i got extra pillowcases

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