Segments - 333: Memory Lane (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Comedian, friend, and lover Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss comedy writing, early Internet, and his new wine podcast "The Wine Down."See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. around say fuck it i'ma do what's wrong take it back take a way back take a way way way back to the first episode long ago before there was a show no advice for the people lost in life take it back take a way back take a way way back to the first episode at the very moment when you look around say fuck it i'ma do what's wrong yo everybody need to know the show gotta listen to it now you know yeah it's hosted by jake and amir you know they always be there listening like a prayer. Yo, got a problem?

They might care. And if not, then they know they will always be fair. Ha! Send a problem to them. Try to help you get it through. Always helping you do you. Listen to this I want you Whoa, Justin Goncalves

Justin, oh he's back I like that song Yeah, you said it sounded like you rapping At one point, the part where there's like, yeah Well you think every rapper kind of sounds like you Well I sound a little bit like Kendrick and a little bit like Drake Kendrick who? Kendrick and a little bit like Drake. Yeah, you're like a mix of Kendrick, Drake, and like the Daniel Stern in the Wonder Years doing the voiceover.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's cool. That's basically Ja Rule. Yeah. Jake. Jake. Jake. My favorite rapper. Murder.

That's good. I remember that Wonder Years episode where Paul Pfeiffer. Can I interrupt you real quick? Sure. In my head. Yeah. There's Jake and Amir. Correct.

Cool. Right? Thank you. Now. You don't, there's Jake and Amir. Correct. Cool. Thank you. Now, you don't have to say any more than that. We do appreciate that. Okay, let's move on. Ben Schwartz, in case you guys didn't recognize him. Which Ben Schwartz? There's a lot of them. Tell them which one. The one and only. No, there's a bunch. Oh, really? Yeah.

There's a guy who illustrates. There's a writer who's Ben Schwartz. You're the writer. We're the guy who illustrates. I'm the guy who illustrates for The New Yorker, who seems to be a You're the writer. We're the guy who illustrates. I'm the guy who illustrates for The New Yorker, who seems to be a lovely guy by the way. I have direct message with him on the internet, and I think his work is really good. Have you ever asked him for your username? Does he have Ben Schwartz? No, what does he

have? I don't know what he has. Because you're rejected jokes across all platforms. I am rejected jokes on Insta and tweets and that's it. I haven't really done Snapchat anymore. I kind of stopped. Snapchat is kind of falling out of favor. I don't do much Facebook either,

but you guys are big on there, right? I hate Facebook and Snapchat. I think Twitter and Instagram are my top two, then Facebook, then Snapchat. Why Twitter above Instagram? Because for news and sports and stuff like that. Oh, what you use? I'm all Instagram all day.

I hate everything else. You don't do Instagram, do you? I personally don't Instagram a lot, but when I do, it's gold. Do you want to tell everybody that you got LASIK or is that too personal? No, we talked about it last episode. Probably too much.

Yeah. We went over in depth how he got it and how he felt, how scared he was. If Ben hasn't heard that episode, I'll talk about it again. All right. This is the first full day that you have that you could see. So I'm going to put up a certain amount of fingers and you tell me how many I'm talk about it again. All right. This is the first full day that you have that you could see.

So I'm going to put up a certain amount of fingers, and you tell me how many I'm holding up. Sweet. That's one. Are you going to put them up? Oh, my God. Yeah, they're up right now. Oh, really? For real?

I see a blurry. I'm like four feet away from you. Okay. Oh, no. So I don't see super clearly. I can't really see fingers, but I can read signs. I see the flaps. The flaps didn't heal.

Ew, really? Jesus Christ. Oh, that's not a lens? I can peel it off, sort of like a hangnail. Oh, God. And now I can hold it up to my eye and see out of it like a spyglass. I believe I can hold it up to my eye. Nice.

I believe I can touch my cornea. Nice. Can't do R. Kelly stuff now, though. Really? I think there's a lot of backlash. All right, I'll bleep that out. Okay. Would you ever get LASIK, Ben?

I'm a little bit nervous about it. I think you're the perfect candidate because you use contact lenses. You don't even like your glasses. I like my glasses. How dare you? But you like the way you look without glasses. What if my glasses are listening to this? You're honestly an asshole.

You don't wear glasses very often is what I'm saying. I wear glasses at nighttime and when I wake up. That's right. And your vision is even I'm saying. I wear glasses at nighttime and when I wake up. That's right. And your vision is even worse than mine. What's your vision? I'm a minus three. Oh, wow. You're nothing, dude.

Yeah, you're minus four. What were you? You were nothing. I was like minus one and a half in each eye. Yeah, then why did you even get LASIK? Because I couldn't read signs. I couldn't drive at night. You got to be perfect.

Aerial race, you got to be perfect. I had to wear glasses to watch TV and go to movies and go to sporting events, and I always forgot all that stuff. With a 1.5? Yeah. God, imagine what me and Amira are like. I can't. I really can't.

So why wouldn't you get LASIK, Ben? I'll pay for it. I'm a little bit nervous. I'll pay for it. Oh, how much is it? How much was it? Does insurance cost it? Well, let's bleep this part out, but it was $19,000.

Oh, my God. No, it was $4,000. Oh, my God. It was $4,000. Okay. I mean, that's expensive. That's expensive. But expensive but that's a life-changing surgery yeah you can get certain does anything cover it does health insurance cover it no it's totally elective you can get for $4,000 i can get a really shitty car why do i need to see better you can get cheaper you can get lasik for like yeah but you want to go to that hot shot doc i wanted the real shit i also got the

lasers instead of the fucking blades oh yeah you told me so you didn't go to that hot shot doc. I wanted the real shit. I also got the lasers instead of the fucking blades. Oh, yeah, you told me. So you didn't have to, like, you feel good. I feel great. I went to the doctor yesterday. Sorry to interrupt, but I went to the doctor yesterday, and I have better than perfect vision. I got my follow-up. 2015, you said?

Unbelievable, Jake. I don't see, I don't like the phrase better than perfect vision. I do. Perfect vision would be whoever is number one. So if Jake doesn't have the best vision in the world, which he doesn't, 2010 is. Well, by mathematical standards and how they measure your vision, which is 2020 being the best. I'm just

saying there shouldn't be better than perfect. I spent $4,000 so I like better than perfect. I agree. Alright, that feels pretty damn good to me. Whoa, whoa, Jake, Jake, your flaps are going crazy. Oh shit, the flap, the flap. Your flaps are going crazy. You can't cry. It's worse than perfect. I also have to get deviated septum surgery.

I can barely breathe out of my nose. Really? Yeah. What do they do with the deviated septum? One of my nostrils is always clogged. What do they do for that? They just like fucking stick a straw up there? They go inside your nose.

So there's like a part of my nose. Inside the nose, I guess like, it's like, I don't know, like some bones are touching. I don't know what's going on. But air can't travel through one of them, so when I breathe... Do you mouth breathe during the night? I don't snore very much. No, but I'm saying,

is your mouth open when you sleep? Sometimes, yeah. When you have a deviated septum, isn't it easier for you to get, like, sinus infections and stuff? Yes, I got, when I was, maybe three years ago, four years ago, I got strep pneumonia.

Two diseases? From because the- Strep pneumonia and gum disease. Gingivitis. No, but it was- Strep pneumonia? And it didn't go away forever. It was so annoying.

But I had like an- So I have to get that surgery, but I'm terrified of it. So I haven't gotten it. Although I've had a bunch of friends that have gotten it recently and have all come out being like, it changes your life. Like, really breathe. I kind of want to do it because I breathe through my mouth.

I'm wondering, the problem is you have no point of reference. You don't know how easy it is for other people. You can go to a doctor and they can tell you if you're septum. Well, yeah, they take an x-ray. That's how you find out. But if my nose is just like everybody else's

and I'm just being a little whiny about it. See, that's what's part of me also because I'm like, if I don't think about it, I don't remember it. That's right. And the second I remember it, I'm like, oh my god, I can't breathe. But if somebody gave me

the option, because that's how I felt about LASIK, and it really is night and day. I feel like a brand new person. Wow, that's amazing. You dress different, too. You're wearing a cape. Yeah. I am gingivitis. Gingivitis. When I was in high school, a lot of like, not a lot, but a couple

girls got septum, like deviated septum surgery. Oh. It was sort of like. Oh, nose job stuff. It was like a low-key nose job. Yeah. They like came back and their noses were just smaller. Many people would probably say I should probably do something about it.

But when I talked to the guy about it, I was like, just inside, don't touch my schnoz. This is what I was born with. This is what I got to live with. This is my moneymaker. This is it. Even if you change it, I'm not going to look way better, so why change it? Do they have to break your nose to do the deviated septum thing? I know they go inside and they chip away at something.

The doctor punches you in the face. Yeah, he just punches you. And it could be like a basketball injury that made it happen, like getting hit in the nose. Oh, that's cool. You could wear a mask like Rip Hamilton. Oh, remember Rip Hamilton? A bunch of basketball players who recently wore masks,

but you chose like the B, Kyrie. RIP Rip Hamilton, right? No, he's still alive. But yeah, but still a good pun. What makes you tick, Jake? I'm glad you asked.

Yeah. You know, I never thought about it. Can I tell you what I think it is? Yeah, sure. Honestly? Love.

Wow. Really? Yeah. You think I operate just like purely out of love yeah i think you're like a love machine oh i'm like a love machine here we go i'm a love machine one second your flaps are all your fuck yeah it's the, it's my cornea. It's not my voice. I actually have perfect pitch. Oh,

but I can't see. What is your pitch, 2015? Nice. Better than perfect. Whoa. BTP? Uh.

Can I talk about the wine down here? Oh, yeah. I did a podcast for, uh, that we, that was me hosting it. We'll do plugs at the end.

Okay. It was me hosting it, and, uh, I had comedians on, and Jake and Amir came on. In addition to the comedians? We came on two episodes.

Do you think we had the best two episodes? You did three. It ended up being three. Thanks for listening. Wow. Because you did two, but then we made one. One of them was so long because you guys wouldn't shut the fuck up. We were doing the chipmunk bit for a very, very long time.

I had to erase so much stuff. You erased the chipmunk? I have higher ups to please. The chipmunk stuff made it in. It's the bunghole stuff that got cut. Oh, yeah. We did a whole long run about bungholes, but I think it's really's the bunghole stuff that got cut oh yeah we did a whole long run about bungholes

but I think it's really good all the bungholes got cut? not all the bungholes of course not but it's Jake and Amir Scott Aukerman it's basically a competition uh

Caperlant Eugene Cordero and Laura Moses who I wrote a book with called Things You Should Already Know About Dating you fucking idiot

and uh we get experts on every single episode and we talk about wine and it's basically a comedy podcast with wine. And here I am plugging it here

on this podcast and I'm very excited to do so. There's only seven episodes. Huh? Who was your favorite guest? Ooh, God. Excluding me and Amir, obviously. No, no, no.

I'm going to include you guys. Well, you can exclude us because I don't want to. I'm not going to do it in order, but who I say last is definitely the worst. Okay. So, Scott Aukerman's up there,

of course. Comedy Bang Bang is a classic podcast. If you haven't checked it out, delete this right now and go to that. You don't have to talk about Comedy Bang Bang. And then, I mean, Caperlant is a genius. Caperlant is great. Caperlant is a genius. And then Laura Moses. Rounding out your top three. Laura Moses is unbelievable. This is excluding me in a minute.

Eugene Cordero was on fire. On fire. That's cool. And then, rounding out your top four, top five. Well, top one is me and you because he said it's excluding me. No, no, no. I said it's including. Really? The one that I hated the most, I put last.

Okay. And then what are we down to? Here it comes. Picking up the rear. Only one left. Okay. Jake and Amir. Oh, so Amir was dead last.

Yeah, Jake's number one. Loser. Hey, if we do another season, do you guys want to come on? Hell yeah. We went to fucking Napa. We went to Napa. It was great. Everybody was happy.

Yeah. We had such a good... Do you remember that dinner? That dinner was so fucking good. We had a great time. We had a great time. I enjoy Jake and Amir. Half the reason why I do this is because I'm worried about you guys.

What's that? I'm just worried about you guys. You know what I mean? No. Oh, you want to talk about how I've sort of added a little vice into your life? Oh, yeah. The Wind Down, it's called. No, no, no. I'm talking about... The podcast is called The Wind Down. I'm talking about how i've sort of added a little vice into your life oh yeah the wind down it's called no no i'm talking about the wind down i'm talking about how i'm like been a bad influence it's gala wines and me hosting it and then what i've been doing sort of like so if

you like this podcast into a life it's almost i think we get the same numbers already as this podcast you want to talk about so it's like i think you could uh devil on your shoulder sort of convincing you to be doing something quasi-legal. Let's take the first question. What's the vice? There's no vice. You know I've never done drugs before? Yeah. And so what was I able to do?

Oh, Amir is a huge gambler. Is that what you're talking about? Are we talking about our little side hustle? Don't say our. I've never clicked the goddamn button. Oh, you gave- I'm Ben's fucking bookie. No way.

You spend all of your money so he can gamble for you. No, I've never exchanged money to Amir in my life. Is that true? Because we've never lost. Winner, winner. Whoa, chicken blade for dinner. You guys took the Rockets last game? No.

No, of course not. We don't bet, first of all. Amir has a problem, and I just try to get him through it by helping him and giving him advice. Okay, great. So can I have the winnings back? Spent it. I love that shit. You know what I really enjoy

more than anything? Yeah. That's a cool cup of Joe. That's nice. You're drinking water. You don't drink caffeine. Oh, you guys don't call water Joe? I get my water

from this guy Joe on the street. Really? Yeah, he makes his own spring water. How does he make spring water? Because spring water comes from spring. So he doesn't make it,

he just picks it up. Oh, how does Evian make spring water? They go to the spring, So he doesn't make it, he just picks it up. Oh, how does Evian make spring water? They go to the spring, I guess. Yeah, so what are you yelling at me for? I'm your friend. Is that a wrap? I feel like we did enough. We haven't done anything.

We haven't even started. We haven't even started the show yet. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me and Jake. Sometimes it's just us, sometimes we have our friends in the world, and today we have Ben Schwartz. The Wine Down is with a wine expert. Ben, we already talked about the Wine Down.

Oh, Happy Anniversaries on Netflix if you guys want to check it out. It's a movie with me and Noel Wells. That's awesome. It's an original movie. You can watch it for free. But right now, I gotta ask you. Things you should already know about dating,

you fucking idiot. This is just a plug. This is just a fucking... It is a book that I wrote with Lauren Moses. A hundred of these great tips about dating. What is this, a PR press tour? We have a 20-year-old from Perth, Australia. Duck tales.

Woo! And also, by the way, if you're catching up with Duck Tales, I play Dewey also. We just had Darkwing Duck on the show. I don't know if you guys remember Darkwing Duck. We had Gizmoduck by Lin-Manuel. And the original Darkwing Duck. Darkwing Duck.

There you go. Better watch out, you bad boys. Darkwing Duck. Darkwing Duck. There you go. Yeah, I love Darkwing Duck. Better watch out, you bad boys. Darkwing Duck. Hit it. Let's get dangerous. All right, advice time. Ready? When you're in trouble, you call DW.

What did you say? Advice time for our podcast. Okay, surfing from the shadows. Oh, also, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I play Leo. Awesome. Really? Leonardo, I'm the blue one. You're the blue one?

I play the blue thing and everything. Good shit. We're going through your IMDb right now. This sounds like the end of Terminator 2 where he turns into all the guys at the end as he's melting. You must not have seen Terminator 2. Melting into different plugs, just shouting them at random as the snapsets in your brain. There's got to be something else we should chat about.

You're going to like this question. It's creative. You're going to like the way this question. I guarantee it. 20-year-old from Perth, Australia. Give me an Australian's name. Male. Oh, sure. Chance. Yeah.

Philanthropy. That's nice. That's a nice one. If by chance you're into philanthropy, you'll love this question from Chance Philanthropy. He's a 20-year-old from Perth, Australia. I work a very boring job and have been doing so for over a year. Boring job.

In high school, I loved music and film, and now I'm starting to write again, and I wanted to start filming something. My question is, what kind of cameras do you use? And also, when do you feel like you are the most creative? And when do you do your best writing? Love, chance. When do you do your

best writing? Ben, what kind of camera do you use? Yeah, Ben, what kind of camera do you use first? It matters what we're doing. It matters what the budget is. If you have a big enough budget and you're not paying for it for yourself, oftentimes we'll try to get the Alexa or the RED. But if you're just shooting, I find those little Canons, the 5Ds work. There's all sorts of fun little guys that I use. Even our iPhone.

We've been shooting stuff on our iPhone. Really? Yeah. Me and you. I haven't done that yet. But there are some very inexpensive. There's these boxy ones also that I use, I forget what it's called,

that are very inexpensive to rent. There's a wonderful DP I use called Andy Riz, and I don't remember what the name of the cameras he bought, or he took. That's okay, you just use Andy. This guy should just, you can find friends, find friends that want to be directors. Oh, listen, if you're not personally,

because Amir just asked me, what did I use? So I'm going to say that. If, as me as a human being when I'm using stuff, if you want to film something, literally take your camera, put it sideways, and film something. We are in a world where all the things are at your fingertips. When Jake, Amir, and I were coming up, or even when they were working on College Humor, we did not have the ability to shoot real good HD video. So it was hard to do it all ourselves. But now not only can you shoot it, you can use iMovie or you can use anything you want to edit it

and you can do sound. Like everything is at your fingertips. It almost becomes like a skill set you have to know now in order to excel in the field, I would say. Do you remember like your first internet video and how difficult it was to create? It was me and Jenna Jameson.

Awesome. She's the goat. I heard her views are a little bit whacked out now, right? Really? I don't know. I haven't been following it. I don't know either. I don't really know what her opinions on stuff are.

Don't you love porn actresses? Isn't that your thing? I do, yeah. But I don't love what they are about in their day-to-day life. I'm not interested in their... What was your first viral video, then? This is a great question. The first viral video I was a part of was the first video I ever wrote and shot.

The Saw? No, it was... The date? Getting broken up with on Valentine's Day? No, it was called Cheating. It was done many, many years ago, before RejectedJokes.com went on. I did this website called RejectedJokes.com, and the idea was I was freelancing jokes for David Letterman's monologue,

and all the jokes that wouldn't get picked up, I was going to film myself doing on stage. Do you guys remember this at all? Yeah, yeah. You filmed yourself doing it on stage, and I knew that nobody knew who I was, so I wanted to try to do a video to get people to care about the website. This was when, 2004? Man, I mean, it could be, by the way.

We can look it up. It could be. I don't know if I ever told you this story. So I did a video called Cheating. I was wearing the Burger King mask. Do you remember that? Yeah. So back in the day, there was like this commercial where this guy in the Burger King mask, anytime

he showed up, whatever was happening, people were like, fine. Like all of a sudden, everybody was happy. I remember this video and I didn't remember that it was you. Yeah, it was happy. I remember this video, and I didn't remember that it was you. Yeah, it was mine. So I literally have Sarah Burns, who's been in a bunch of stuff since, Craig Tukulescu. So I come in, and I'm making out with Sarah Burns, and I'm cheating. Oh, hell yeah. Awesome.

Jenna Jameson style. She's in the Parisian fashion. She's cheating on her. I'm obviously the person that she's cheating on her husband with. Yeah, obviously, because you you wrote it you fucking pervert Filmed it at my parents house on my mom and dad's bed Hotter than I even thought Where you were conceived

I believe Bill Buckendorf shot it Maybe I'm incorrect Bill Buckendorf who ended up doing a bunch of my stuff At the beginning he was amazing What happened to Buckendorf He was great he was unbelievable and he was kind with his time And I didn't know anything and he taught me quite a bit He directed the first couple of videos I did.

Wow. So I think it was him. I apologize if it wasn't. Maybe it was. I think it was. So we shot him. The whole idea is that I'm cheating on,

I'm cheating with this girl or whatever and the husband comes in and I run to the closet and he sees my sneakers on the floor and he freaks out and he's like,

where the fuck is he? I'm going to find him right now and kill him. He takes a baseball bat, opens the closet door and I have the Burger King mask, and he freaks out. He's like, where the fuck is he? I'm going to find him right now and kill him. He takes a baseball bat, opens the closet door, and I have the Burger King mask on. And he just, like, smiles. And I get away. And he's like, oh, and the music comes on.

Yeah. And I get away with it. So I did it. I uploaded it. To where? This was before YouTube. Yeah, I wonder where. Well, maybe YouTube just.

Oh, no, I don't know where I uploaded it. It must have been to YouTube. It must have been right when YouTube started. Okay. Since, like, 2006 or 2007. YouTube started, like, 2005. A know where I uploaded it. It must have been to YouTube. It must have been right when YouTube started. Okay. So it's like 2006 or 2007. YouTube started like 2005. Earlier than that. 2004.

I mean, it started earlier. Or maybe I uploaded it on CollegeHumor. It was CollegeHumor before YouTube? Yeah. Oh, then I definitely uploaded it on Wonder. I uploaded it somewhere, and then the person, and I put rejectedjokes.com on the bottom so people know to come to their website.

Nice. Someone took it, cropped out rejectedjokes.com. Of course, naturally. That still happens. And posted it. Sorry about that. And it got 35 million views. And it was huge.

It got 35 million views? Yes. On where? Maybe more. It might have been 50 million because it was before there were a lot of videos on the internet. Okay. And by the way, and so, and I was so upset. And you're right.

Nobody knew to go to my website and it didn't my website, and nobody knew who I was yet. So it didn't do anything for me. Again, I am sorry about that. No, it was you. Yeah, because I wanted to make videos. I forget who it was, but I remember in the username, it was either a Scottish reference or an Irish reference. Yep.

But I remember being so excited that I had a video, but so bummed that it didn't do the whole thing was supposed to be a marketing tool to get whatever but that was the first one I ever did

it's called cheating you can look it up on the internet I will look like a baby in it and Sarah Burns will look like a baby in it and Greg will look like a baby in it

so watch cheating and then when do you do your best writing I think Jesse Stern who is a writer friend of mine who's written on a bunch of stuff and wrote video games who I think is very smart had a great saying

that now that we're on our phones and on the computer all day we're inputting information just in our brains we're like reading reading reading and then we're like okay I gotta write you can't just change the like rapid input to output it like slowly goes back out

does that make sense to you? Yeah yeah. Like if the engine's going full throttle the other way and now it's time to write it doesn't just immediately go full throttle the other way it like slows down on input and then slowly goes back so I think there when it's time to write you have to stick at it you have to for me it's in the morning-ish

it's just knowing I have to know I have a certain amount of time if I'm like I only have like 20 minutes I can't write I knowing that I have to know I have a certain amount of time. If I'm like, I only have like 20 minutes, I can't write. I need to sit because I know I'm going to mess around on the computer. And so I like sit and stuff like that. Is messing around on the computer part of the process for you or do you wish you would just disconnect? There's part of it where I sometimes undo my Wi-Fi. I go to a place and I go to a place to write and I don't get the Wi-Fi password. But then oftentimes I'll have to look up shit while I'm writing and I'm like,

fuck. So I'll go on my phone or something like that. But it matters. If I have a deadline, I'm also very... I've been doing it for a while now, so I'm very... Strict? Yeah. I'll just like... Yeah, I'll write a lot for a lot of hours just because it's a job. That's how we make money.

But I would say give yourself enough time put yourself in a place if you get distracted a lot put like i put jazz in my ear sometimes just because if i have songs with words in it i concentrate on the words in the song utah jazz utah jazz yeah put like carl malone john stockton and what are they doing interviews stadium just interviews yeah yeah i like to listen to podcasts from the 90s uh with the with like stockton and stuff like that why short sister short why is he the dirtiest player in the world yeah i mean okay so you're listening Yeah, I like to listen to podcasts from the 90s with Stockton and stuff like that. Why is Short Sister Short? Why is he the dirtiest player in the world?

You know what I mean? Okay, so you're listening to that. You're writing. You're disconnecting. Yes. And you like to spend time together. And also, if you think of something, what I do is I put it in my notes app on my phone.

So I have a list of ideas. So if I find myself not inspired at that moment, I can look at this list app. This is more back in the day. I can look at the list app and see if any back in the day. I could look at the list app and see if any of these ideas spring something to me. It's so much harder

to write one person. Jake and I write together and we find that a lot easier. I find it hard sometimes to write with two people because you have to work with the other person's schedule and then also you might disagree

on a lot of stuff and that'll slow down the whole process. But we wrote a movie together. The three of us wrote a movie together that we're going to see if we can get people

to care about. And I thought it was very efficient we were actually so you guys would like write garbage and then i'll rewrite it and then so everybody wrote garbage and i kind of like fixed it right no i mean sometimes we write good stuff and you would improve it and i was throwing shit i was throwing shit at the wall yeah you were just you saw like when you would be like oh jake you have to do 17 pages i would turn in 48 pages but to be to be fair, didn't you guys- It was just gobbledygook. Didn't you guys write separately for that? Yeah.

Which doesn't happen often, right? Yeah, it doesn't. Oh, it does happen. It does not. Oh, it does not? Yeah. I thought that was cool. So we split it up where it's like,

Amir does a certain amount of pages, Jake does a certain amount of pages, I do a certain amount of pages, and then we would all check each other's work. So I found that to be very cool. It was you wrote 10, and then you passed it to me, and I would revise your 10 and add 10, and, and I would revise your 10 and add 10,

and then Amir would revise my 10 and add 10, and then you would revise Amir's 10 and add 10. Yes. 10 and 10, we called it. Swings. It actually is. I had never. We kind of invented that.

No, I actually got it from the Thomas Leonard Ben-Gurion book. Is that true? Yeah. But they only do two at a time, so we did the three. Is that true, really? Yes. Oh, you never told me that. I wouldn't have done it if I knew that.

That's how successful Hollywood writers do it. I'm not interested anymore. It was great. That movie will hopefully one day get made. That'd be fun. One of us has to get more famous. I'm working on it. Tips.

Let's take a break real quick. Absolute tips. Why don't I take a break? I want what I want to do right now. Yeah, we're going to thank a few sponsors. We'll be right back. It's a movie I do with J.D, we're going to thank a few sponsors. We'll be right back. It's a movie I do with J.D. Hu plus and Edie Falco. And we'll be right back after this commercial break.

We went to Toronto. Starting now. So if you want to see it. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. dot F M slash S E G M E N T S. Cool. Sorry. I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah. And we're back. Oh,

baby, baby. It's a back world. It's hard to get by just upon a back girl. Oh, wait, Ben, you haven't been with us since we started our new segment.

Do you have any? Oh, so let's do this Mom, I'm coming Gross What was that? Of course it didn't make sense to you Why would it? Naturally, it's meaningless

What was that? Jake, get off your phone I hate when you're on the phone during the podcast. I'm here with you guys. And what are you even checking? Nothing. Nonsense. I felt it vibrate. Then put it away. It's vibrating still, Ben. I need to know. I just need

to put it on silent. There's nothing that feels worse than somebody telling you to get off your phone. It makes you feel bad. I hate that. Also because if you don't do it a ton also and someone somebody telling you to get off your phone. I know, that's true. It makes you feel bad. I hate that. But everyone's on their phone. Also because if you don't do it a ton also and someone catches you, you're on your phone all the time. You don't get to tell me to be on the phone.

Because everyone's on their phone all the time. Always. It's terrible. So it's fun to call people. Do you know what black mirror means? Yeah. What? Oh, I thought you were saying, do you know the show Black Mirror?

I'm just checking out today. Okay, cool. I know what black mirror means. Tell me what black mirror means. It's when you look into a mirror and you can't see your reflection. What do you think black mirror means, Amir? I just mean that when you look in your reflection and you can't see yourself.

Do you know what it means for real? I thought it was brilliant. I do not know. You do not know? I do not. Pick up your phone. This is everybody. If everybody wants to know what black mirror means,

this is what I was told it means. Don't touch any of the buttons on your phone. Just look at the screen. Yeah. And it's a black mirror. That's beautiful. Well, when I lift my phone, it activates,

so I can't really see that unless I actually have one of those fancy, very expensive phones. load up a YouTube video? That's really funny. Sometimes I do, like,

when I'm like, you know, watching porn or something and I'm just like, You do love porn. The grossest I've ever been and I like go to a new tab and I like see,

just you get your reflection. Yeah. Or if you clear your screen and you just like see what you look like in your face if you're if you clear your screen and you just like see what you look like yeah your face dead eyes

or what about when you're 12 years ago I put it on YouTube yeah I actually just pulled it up the rejected jokes I want to see who

I want to make sure it was Bill Buckendorf look at this just Ben fucking necking in his parents bedroom in upstate New York a long time ago

when I was a little baby you don't look that different for this being like 12 years ago. Oh, there he is. Yeah. Camera and editor. Bill Buckendorf. See?

Good man. And he directed it, but he didn't give himself the credit. Was he embarrassed? Of course. Absolutely. So, Ben, the segment is unsolicited advice. A bit of advice you have that nobody really asked for. So, for example, I said people should buy a water pick.

It's good for your oral hygiene. Jake suggested reading the Game of Thrones. Cottonel wet wipes? Have you done that yet? No. Great. Okay, that's your piece? What is it? Cottonel wet wipes. Sell us on it. Cottonel wet wipes, do you guys not use wet wipes when you go to the bathroom? I do not. No, they're terrible for the environment. No, they're not. They're biodegradable and they dissolve in the toilet. Wow.

Don't buy it. Don't buy it. I mean, that's what they've made them to be just like that. But, like, everything is biodegradable. It just takes a really, really, really long time. I love how many reallys you popped in there. Thank you. I love that. All right.

So tell me on it because I don't really give a shit about the environment. Cotton-on-wet wipes, it's just, it makes it so it's not as abrasive with your toilet paper. So walk me through your process. You take the log. I take one of the cotton-on-wet wipes. Oh, you start with it first Yeah of course I cut it in half

And then I use I do a wipe And then I use the other half A wipe And then you can do dry Once or twice To make sure you're good If you want another

Cottonelle just to make sure But it just makes it smoother Everything's better Everything's cleaner Are you squatty pottying? No I've tried it once or twice But it makes I don't understand it

Have you used a bidet? No We're pretty big into bidets Yeah I like bidets I got a bidet in my house We got a bidet? No. We're pretty big into bidets. Yeah, I like bidets. I got a bidet in my house. We got a bidet in the office. Bidet, bidet, bidet, bidet, that's all, folks. Hey, it's Porky the Pig in Europe taking a shit. I don't like

Jake today. Really? No, I love him. To be honest, I love Jake always. Jake and I had a little private lunch the other day. It was great. Oh, yeah. We had a really good lunch. Where'd you end up eating? We had a full, we had a hearty grain bowl. Sweet greens. It was good. That's nice. I actually got an amazing parking spot. Do you remember that? Yeah, I had to park somewhere else

for more money. It was so boring. I'll post a picture of my spot. That's nice. I took a photo. You are the parking king after all. A bidet. You don't have to use wet wipes. It shoots water up your asshole and then you just use a guy. But then how does that work? How does it get, you have to still wipe, of course. You have to get the shit out. Yes, but just as you do after, no, you wipe less.

It doesn't shoot the water up your ass. Yeah, but then isn't the toilet paper wet when you're wiping your ass? Yeah. This sounds terrible. The wet wipe is wet when you're wiping your ass. Yeah, but there's protection. It's wet on both sides, so there's protection between... Toilet paper will just crumble on that wet asshole.

No, you've got to use a thicker ply. A single ply one would crumble. That's correct. You're right to think that. Right? Well, you dab your asshole, Doug. Blue Iguana. It's me and Sam Rockwell. It's coming out in August. Oh my god, this is crazy. It's a movie. It should be really

good. I have a weird mustache in it. Imagine somebody hosing down your little butthole every time you take a shit. Wouldn't you do that if you were infinitely wealthy? Hire someone to do that? The bidet does that. That's your dream? It's a sort of a French bug. If you had all the money, you'd get a man or a woman to... It would definitely be a man, an older man. You would get a gardener. How old? You'd get a garden of a French bug. If you had all the money, you'd get a man or a woman. No, it would definitely be a man, an older man.

You would get a gardener. How old? You'd get a gardener for your ass. 88. Yes, an ass gardener of sorts. Well, wouldn't it be a plumbing man then? A gardener is not really tending to much. The gardener would be the one who flushes the toilet.

It's just the hose. How do you cut the hair? How do you cut your pubic hair and the hair where your asshole is? I'm so glad you asked. I actually did that this morning. Really? Yes. I'm about to go away. I actually did that this morning. Really? Yes. I'm about to go away on a trip.

And before I go on a trip, I always like to cut my pubes. Can you tell me how you do it with the processes? Are you allowed to keep this on podcast? Yeah. I don't do anything with the ass hair. I don't have a very hairy ass. Oh, you're like got that wizard's beard down there, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I have a long... Well, I have a very well... Like right now I dress my pubes to the left. So my testicle goes down to just above my... The visual of him showing me probably works better than... You have a high fade. Wow, that's really cool.

That is crazy. You got a Z into a throw, bro. That's right. When I wear my shorts, you can see my little nut hair all the way at the bottom. That's cool. When I wear my shorts, you can see my little nut hair all the way to the bottom.

All right. Don't just repeat shit that I say, because then it makes me feel bad that I said it. You know? Like I say shit and then I forget that I said it. We're doing the pilot for Wrong Man. It's the new pilot I'm producing and I am starring in. So if you miss me from television. No.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to be the lead. Is it for Showtime? It's for Showtime. I'm such a big Showtime fan. I told you this. I know. I just love Showtime. I love their programming. Whattime fan. I told you this. I know. I just love Showtime.

Maybe you can help out somehow. What do you like? I was watching Patrick Melrose last night. How was that? Patrick Melrose. I'm excited for it. No, I'm excited for it. And I love Billions.

It's Benedict Cumberbatch. And I love Homeland. You're a Showtime fan. Maybe you can come to the Showtime parties with me if we get picked up. Oh, my God. Please. I just want to shake somebody's hand. I'm very excited.

That's the thing I'm the most excited about right now. It would make me so happy if it's an American version of a UK show and we're changing it And we'd love to be involved as well. You showed me that pilot like a year or two ago. Yeah, I've been working on trying to get this together for years. And I feel like I really helped get it across the finish line. And I appreciate that. What did you do?

He got LASIK. Okay. Remember that? Unrelated. Unrelated. So when I shave my pubes, I go electric razor. And I just go an eight on the pubes themselves. Do you ever hit?

And then I just go down to like a.5 on the shaft and balls. Oh, so you put a barrier between it. It's not just the razor. It's not straight razor. That scares me too much. But like at a.5, it's like basically nothing anyway. You ever clip yourself or no? I made myself bleed this morning.

Yeah, it happens. It happens. It bites you. It bites you. It bites you. But it's just a tiny little bite. And your scrotum has grooves in it.

It's not just like a smooth little bowling ball. It's got little nips and those hills get pricked by the little razor blades. It was a really nothing bite.

It's not a nothing bite. Because it'll nick you and it absolutely will snake bite you. So what do you do to trim your shit? So what I do is I get the same guy

that hoses down my asshole. Yeah? Yeah, so he will sort of put the shaving cream on. So now he's a gardener. He absolutely is a gardener. And then he'll use a lot like a haircut

sort of like stretch the hair out and then trim. So like he just gets he eliminates the split ends. And how old did you say he was? 88. 88.

We all know how old, Jake. Don't remind us. Do you have a female name, Ben? We have another question to answer. Do we know where she's from? She is from, let's say, Chicago, Illinois. You just made that up? Yeah.

Shally. S-H-A-L-L-E with an accent over it. Chalet. I like that. Chalet Monet. But it's spelled M-O-N-E-T. I know. Chalet Monet. That's a M-O-N-E-T Nice Chalet Monet

That's a great name That's a good porn name dude That's a great God you're obsessed Do you watch porn today? Yes At 11.48 I really almost

Rejected it out of it Before Oh Ben shut up Like yeah actually I did Before or after You shaved your pubes? After Because you wanted to

Work him out Before work You wanted to see What you were working with I didn't masturbate I just watched it Oh really? Do you do that? Every once in a while You just watch it Just to like Say how you wanted to see what you're working with i didn't masturbate i just watched it oh really do that every once in a while you'll just watch it just to like what do you mean like morning like a morning talk show well i knew i wanted to get i wanted to go to the post office so but it wasn't going to open until eight of course so far that's

fine so i was like i'll respond to some emails my yep that's correct like all like anybody else other people like surf the web like you probably up like anybody else's normal day. Other people surf the web. You probably read like a Warriors... Yeah, just a little recap to see what the players are saying after the game. I look at ESPN

and I'll check out my Instagram or Twitter or check my emails that I got over the night. Not me. I checked out... Jake puts on reading glasses.

I check out the Porn Aggregator and see if there's anything new. There's a website called Porn Aggregator? No, no, no. There's just a couple

websites that I like that aggregate the porn. And then you're like, let's just see what's new today. Yeah, like to see what the updates are. It's like news to you. There's a website called Porn Aggregator? No, no, no. There's just a couple websites that I like that aggregate the porn. And then you're like, let's just see what's new today. Yeah, like to see what the updates are. It's like news to you. It's like porn news. Oh yeah, we talked about this. You're like a RedTube guy or something, right? No, no. That's too basic for me. I've never been to RedTube. RedTube is a mirror. I go to veporn.net

or yourporn.sexy. Yourporn.sexy! That's right! I go to fucking Bickle.com Do you ever go to Bickle? No I don't think so because it's a goddamn Russian site Is that true?

Yes, I go to these sites that steal full videos from the pay sets What about if someone stole your videos and didn't give you any money for it? Wouldn't you be pissed off? That happens all the time Do you? It's true, yeah Oh, God Bickle rights No? Of courseine mone. Of course. I've

been dating my boyfriend for almost... What's this from? That's Pink Elephants. It's probably been to the Simpsons before, that's why you've heard of it I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four months And neither of us have had the guts to say You guys didn't answer the other guy's question Where do you like to write? When do you feel inspired? I was saying it helps to write with a friend

Set a schedule and write with a friend What time do you like to write? I treat it like a day job 11 to 5 I think if you want to be serious about this Obviously if you have another write? I'm more of a morning guy. I treat it like a day job. Yeah. You got to. 11 to 5. I think if you want to be serious about this, obviously if you have another job, I totally understand, but make some time

before or after that job starts to treat it like a job. Yeah. You also don't turn creativity off. Like sometimes Amir and I will just like text or email each other like I have an idea for this.

But like when we do, it's like, okay, now we have a leaping off point for tomorrow at work. And when you feel yourself going, let yourself go. Like don't, whenever I And when you feel yourself going, let yourself go. Whenever I'm on a little roll, let yourself go until you're exhausted.

Writing can be really fun. It can also be incredibly frustrating. Know that all three of us in this room have felt both of those things desperately. That's right. Writing block exists, and then getting in a groove exists where you're writing. Also, not wanting to write exists. If that happens, give yourself something to be inspired by or change your job all right i've been dating my boyfriend for almost this person's name don't say bigel chanel money nice i've been dating my

boyfriend for four months now and neither of us have had the guts to say i love you is that a bad sign we were friends before we started dating but we've been serious for a while should i just say it i don't know that's scary help i actually think this is. This can be scary. Well, it's sort of obvious. Well, Jake, you never said I love you, right? Oh, yeah. Well, I've never loved anybody, so it's fine. I say I love you to you. Oh, yeah. I love you. Wow, that was fast. That's the first time I ever said it.

Oh, my God. How's it feel? I'm crying. Your flaps are fucking going away. Yeah, my flaps are leaking. I think that if you... Don't say I love you just because it's been four months and you think that's the right thing to do if you're scared,

then it sounds like you're not ready to say it. Yeah. You can take as long or as little as you want. There are norms out there that you feel like you have to follow.

You don't have to follow. What would you say is average-ish? Four months. Four months is late. Four to six months. I think you should take it at your own time, but if you feel it,

if you're like, oh, so if you're too young and you're like, not too young, if you're young and you're like, I think this is what love is, you're going to find that there's different versions of love as you grow up. Would you agree? Yeah. I've written movies about this where it's like there's different versions of love. At the beginning, you sometimes may feel like you're in love. But if you feel it and you want to share it with someone, say it.

If you don't feel it, do not say it just because you feel like now is the time. Yeah. Do you think this is a strictly American problem? Do other languages have this thing? I don't know if like... Of course they say I love you in different languages. But the idea of like when to say it seems like such a monumental thing. But like, I don't know if that exists in other cultures.

Wow. So you're almost saying like there's so much weight to the term here. Yeah. Like in Hebrew... Because like the actual word love. In Hebrew, like and love is the same word. So there's no like, I like and love is the same word so there's no like i like what's the word oh have i would say i love you i need to have what i would be

the same exact way as i like you uh yes i need to have and like in spanish you would say te amo and that means i like no that means i love you yeah but like is that like a moment for 20 i have to tell you something well think about this when you look at all these like uh passionate movies, whatever, you'll still see that moment of like, I love you or something like that.

I think it's a big maybe. That can happen quickly in, let's say, Italy, where people say that after the first date. So Amir's email, if you have the answer for this,

No, you don't have to say my email. Here he comes, Amir. Just tweet it at Jake and Amir. It feels like a declaration of love is always a moment because it's like a point where you're vulnerable in front of somebody. And by the way, you could be scared by it. Of course you could be scared by it.

And you could be unsure by it. I feel like as you get older and you feel it more times, it'll be easier to do. I've also, I was very, I would hold off on saying I love you quite a bit. Because it feels like such a big thing. A, that was half me putting it on myself, but B, then I allowed myself with my friends. I'll tell Jake and Amir I love them. Amir's a little bit harder to say I love you

back, but Jake will always say it. If you feel like you love your friends, it doesn't mean you're in love with them, but I say that more also. Did you grow up in a house where you say I love you at the end of every conversation with your parents? I don't think so. Do you go bye, love you at the end of a phone call with your parents i don't think so do you go bye love you at the end of like a phone call with your dad or mom i don't know i talked to my dad and mom so often i don't i don't know

did you forget to put the card in oh is that an issue um i don't know i think i love you just as big in terms of relationship because it's a step you're taking a step have you ever said i love you and not meant it i'm sure when i was in Have you ever said I love you and not meant it? I'm sure when I was in high school, I said I love you back. I wouldn't have said it first because I didn't know what to do. But that's also when I was a little kid. What about this thing?

Although maybe I haven't. I'm pretty good about it. It's one of those things. I also don't like lying to people. Or I don't say I promise either. I don't like saying I promise. Really? Because there's always a chance

that I cannot pull it off or whatever. I'll be there. Promise us something right now. I promise I'm going to be sitting on this couch in two seconds. You're standing up. He's standing up. You fucking liar. He fucking left the room.

Is there anything to the guy who has to say at first? That seems to be like a generally agreed upon thing. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't think that's the case. I think anybody could say it. Yeah. Also, you kind of feel it.

If you feel it, you shouldn't hold back unless you think it's going to scare the person away. I think if you feel it after, like, one day. That's a good question, though. Like, yeah, you got to, like, take societal norms into it a little bit. You don't want to blurt out I love you at the end of your first date. Yes, I agree. Because you may feel it immediately. But then tell them later on, like, you know, I felt this since, you know.

Yeah, exactly. Date two when we went to see Venom. And Tom Hardy was just so cool. I love Tom Hardy and you. And you, yeah. You can do that if you feel uncomfortable. Say I love Tom Hardy and you. How are the gym sessions that you've been doing recently going, Ben?

Gym sessions? Do you like going to the gym? Oh, I've been rapping. We're calling it the gym sessions. Yeah, yeah. So I like to get into the gym. I call it like where I work out. That's cool.

Yeah, so if you give me any word, I can kind of rhyme off it. Give me a word. Curling. Curling, here I go. Curling with a burling. Nice. So stuff like that. What's burling?

You said curling with a burling. The one rhyme you did. You have any other ones? Yeah, sure. Go hit it. Force. Force. I'm giving you easy ones.

Force myself to be the best Cause I'm forced Okay So what's forced? Every time the rhyme Also didn't rhyme with forced Yeah Right

Give me a word You're not listening You forced You made up a word And it still didn't rhyme No go Any word Barbell

Barbell I'm picking up a barbell Because I know well Why did you add the t Yeah You could have just ended it Let me ask you guys a question. Okay.

When you think about yourselves and what you want to accomplish, what's the end goal for you? Is there an end goal? Cash. Do you guys want your, no, it's not cash. Okay. Do you guys want your own TV show? Money. No, it's not money.

Sorry. Do you want a movie? What do you want to do? What makes you, what most excites you now that you've done a billion episodes of this? Fortune. You've done a billion episodes of this? Fortune. You've done 100, 1,000 web videos. Fortune. Not money.

Okay. So is there what really drives you? I think your listeners would want to know. If there's like a next big thing, what do you think that big thing is? I want to be a billionaire. Jay, Amir's looking for acorns at the end of the day. In my head, he's got to be looking for goddamn acorns. He's putting his puffy goddamn cheeks.

I don't need acorns. Yeah, you're a goddamn chipmunk, and you know that for a goddamn fact. He wants to hide in a tree. I'm telling you, I want money. Yeah, money. Money in a tree, maybe. I think you want to, yeah, you just want a big tree. If there was money in a tree, would you go up and get it?

Yes. Would you scurry up and get it? I'm not necessarily scurry. Do you have a bushy little tail? No, I do not have a bushy tail. Do you have a tail? No, I do not have a tail. What do you have next to your butt? I have a little bushy little tail bone. That's a bushy tail. That's a tail. I have a bushy little tail. No, I do not have a bushy tail. Do you have a tail? No, I do not have a tail. What do you have next to your butt?

I have a little bushy little tail bone. That's a bushy tail. That's a tail. I have a tail bone that's bushy. Yeah, but is there hair on it? Yes. Yeah, it's fur. You got a bushy tail.

I have a bushy tail. But I'm not a chipmunk. What do you want to do? What's your next thing? I think I would love to have a TV show. Would it be like Lonely and Horny, or what would it be? Yeah. Something like Lonely and Horny would be my ideal. Something like i was more directed those by the way i would like i would

rather direct i'd love to direct a mirror and something and but you don't want to act anymore i don't mind acting i like it but that's probably what makes me the most excited is writing something and directing something but also specifically with air in it, because I think I get such a kick out of him. Yeah. You're the one. Yeah. I like the idea of Amir being my muse. The one guy that gets a kick out of Amir.

Yeah. That's true. I'm the only guy that likes you, man. That's not true. All right. Let's raise our hands. Raise your hand if you like Amir. I'm raising my hand.

Jake's raising his hand. You don't get to vote on yourself. All right. Fine. Where was my hand? Ben. Ben what? Hook me up. Ready? Ask again. Where was my hand? Ben. Ben what? Hook me up.

Ready? Ask again. Hook me up. Ask again. You're asking him to raise his hand? Ask again. Ask again. Who in this room likes a mirror as their hand?

Ben, help me. I'm not going to help you out. All right, just me. You should be happy, man. I like you, and that's kind of cool. That is kind of cool. Hey, man, if I want to do a movie with you, but it would mean that you could never do movies in the mirror i want to do one movie with you but it means you can never work with the mirror again would you do it let me

answer this it's a big old hell no from jake i got this one jake jake said in a heartbeat jake feels bad answering but i'll answer for him ben is an actual like bona fide celebrity and like no and he's actually a little offended yeah you're a. The only reason I want to make shit with Amir is because he's the last guy on earth that would say yes. If I got your ear, I have a script. The whole reason he didn't answer is because he'd never be able to play this part.

Only you could do it. Amir's a fucking... He's a chipmunk. Why would I make a movie with a chipmunk? To ask that question. To put him in a position. For him to stand there silently staring at you, wondering how to politely tell you what you deserve to know, which is fuck no.

He wouldn't accept that offer. In a goddamn heartbeat, Ben. And I appreciate the opportunity. He's saying that because he feels bad for you. I had to swallow my water Sorry about that Good stuff So you're in? Yeah totally

Wow And what do you want to do Amir? Get cash? I like to make money get turnt I like to make money get turnt I like to make money get turnt So what I want to do is be a billionaire who just is fucked up all the time. Night School.

It's a movie I did with Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish. I don't have that big of a role in it, but I think it's really funny. I hope it's really funny. It comes out in September. I did a movie with Billy Crystal that hopefully will be out. Did you shoot like nine movies last year? What are all these credits? By the way, this is going to sound like I'm bragging.

I'm not trying to. But I have seven movies coming out this year. No, what sounded like you were bragging is the fact that every silence you started rattling off the credits. It's funny when I think about it. I'm also on a TV show called Medal of Honor. What TV show is that? It's a Netflix show. I did one episode.

You shot seven movies in a TV show last year? And I did Modern Family this year. And I sold a book in a TV show and then set up a different TV show. Jesus. But can I tell you? Me and Amir were busy too. We had a half-sold show in Calgary. Hey, we wrote a movie together.

The three of us wrote a movie together. It's not doing much, but we wrote a movie together. How did you have time to do that with us? That was an honor for us, the fact that you squeezed us into your schedule like that. We did make it work. There was a busy schedule for all three of us, by the way. All three of us were working hard that time. Yeah, but I don't think I was doing anything important.

You were like shooting a movie with Billy Crystal and I went on a road trip with my brother or something. How is your brother? He's good. But now I resent him. Why? Because I should have been doing movies and instead I was just hanging out with his ass. I wonder if that movie will get made. I think it's funny enough.

I think it might. Our movie? Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's going to get made. I think something's funny enough. I think it might. Our movie? Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's going to get made. I think something will happen. If nobody makes it, we'll fucking crowdfund it. Really?

I don't know. Maybe we can just ask everybody that listens to this podcast to give us $5 million. Yeah, it's going to be too expensive. Yeah, it has to be $5 million. I bet we can make it for less. Maybe not. Per person? How much merch do you guys sell that you have so much in here?

Not a lot, clearly. Oh, that's what I want to talk about. This is the actual plug. I came in to talk about my podcast, but also to talk about Middle Ditch and Schwartz going on tour. Whoa. So we are going on tour. When does this come out, this podcast? Let's say June 4th.

And we have merchandise available. For the first time ever, Middle Ditch and Schwartz has merchandise. We have three different shirts, a sweatshirt, we have socks. Wow. We have a sticker combo. Can I get Middle Ditch and Schwartz socks? Yes, and it has our faces on it. It's kind of cool, yeah.

I want to see this. I'll show you, I have a picture of it. Do you have a website? Yes, middleditchandschwartz.com and you click on merch. It's right there on the front thing. I'm in. We're excited by it, man.

And we're touring. We're doing, there's no tickets left outside of um boston we added a second show so there's tickets at the wilbur which is a nice thousand plus person theater shit and uh but we're doing it man we're doing vancouver then portland but this will be out after that we did the ryman auditorium we're doing new york we're doing philly we're going to come back to New York in a very special way, hopefully, because

everybody was so cool, and we sold out in six hours. Oh, my God. We sold 1,600 tickets in six hours. That's insane. Well, not that you need our support, but we've seen your show, and it's incredibly fun. When are the dates? Go on middleindustrysports.com. It's all there. At the end of June. So the ones that are available is that second Boston show

at the end of June, and then the other stuff will have already been through. But I want to know the New York one for my personal town hall. I'm not quite certain it's the end of June.

Fine. I don't know. I'll be there. Good man. Are you going to be there? I'm going to be in New York at the end of June. Oh, God.

Maybe we hang out if I'm still there. Hey, I might have a little barbecue with my family if you want to come. Oh, really? Yeah. Sweet.

Near the 4th of July. Are you going to be there for that or no? Yeah, I am. I might be there too, yeah. family if you want to come. Oh, really? Yeah. Sweet. Near the 4th of July. Are you going to be there for that or no? Yeah, I am. I might be there too, yeah. If Jake is coming, we're at capacity. Are you definitely coming? I'm definitely going to be there.

He doesn't know that he's definitely coming. I am definitely coming. That's great. Because I'm going to be in Rye, which I think is really close to your parents, right? I mean, it's not far. I can give him a ride if there's a spot, but if there's not. You know, for me, can you mute his ears real quick? Sure.

Are they muted? Yeah. For me, I'd rather mute his ears real quick? Sure. Are they muted? Yeah. For me, I'd rather not because obviously he's at the barbecue. I can hear this. It's going to be all about him. Don't say anything you regret because I can hear it. I'll tell him that my car is full. Oh, my car is full anyway, so I actually can't hear you.

Wait, put his ears back on. Headphones. They never went off. Headphones. Oh, I'll back you up. Put it off for a second. All right. Yeah, I can't.

So that part was definitely on. Make up a lie. Yeah. You can hear this. I have to turn his headphones on. I'm the only one. Put it off for a second. All right. Yeah, I can't. So that part was definitely on. Make up a lie. Yeah. You can hear this. I have to turn his headphones on. I'm the only one off. Make up a lie, and then I'll piggyback on that. I will get your back.

Sweet. Just make it believable. Yeah. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. I can't come because I have to help my brother move that weekend. Oh, crap. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. Because your brother's moving.

Yeah. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. Oh, all right. That's a bummer. Make up a lie. That fills my car. I heard you say, make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. That right, that's a bummer. Make up a lie. That fills my car. I heard you say make up a lie and I'll piggyback. That's a bummer.

That's too bad. But I'll be the barbecue. You'll be able to make it? I'm going to be able to make it. It's such a bummer. We are at capacity. I want to come. There's capacity at my parents' house.

I heard you say make up a lie and I'll piggyback. By the way, where's your brother moving in? Memphis? Wait, headphones off. I'm going to turn the headphones off. I don't know where to turn it. I don't know what knob you're pressing We don't know much about it

So just make it quick And don't do details I think he's gonna move to Fucking Tennessee Make it Memphis Memphis in Tennessee

Make it quick He has a new job in Tennessee And he's gonna be a dentist Oh man We should visit him in Memphis All three of us maybe I'd be down to do that Oh

Can't Yeah It's a bummer My car only seats two It's a bummer. My car only seats two. That's a bummer. Make up a line, I'll piggyback is what you said. Give me a beef bowl and eat bok choy.

I want to get an option to sauce that soy and eat all day. I'm going to eat all day. Yay! Give me some end over show. You never remember your part. That was one of my favorite videos. I was so sad I wasn't involved. I remember you were at that time. You told me afterwards.

You were disappointed that you weren't in the contest videos. Yeah, it was because you guys started doing them when I was away. Why did we start doing it without you? Well, because you would come into town and be like,

let's shoot a Jake and a mirror, but there was like a time, I think, when I was living in LA, so I wasn't in

the office and you guys, all right, let's do these videos without Jake. That makes sense and I do remember really enjoying it.

I do remember being like, we should do more of these, Amir. They were really fun. Yeah, and it really, I thought they were

so funny, but it also made me so sad. Amir is very true to you. I was like, why do we even need Jake? Really? He was like, I love him. Wow.

And then I learned quickly why I need Jake. Why is that? Because he's attractive. That's awesome. And then two people are attractive and that makes it even better. What?

Ideally, you want both people to be attractive. Like you said. Well, ideally you just need one. Ideally you do, but if you don't have that, that's fine. It's sustainable. I mean, I'll take one is good, but two is better, and I feel like that

Well, you're ugly. Yeah. Wow. That was That was blunt. That was... That was blunt. That was... You hit it on the nose. That was more than Frank. That was Larry.

It was more than Frank. Ben, we've gotten to the end of the show. Is there anything you wanted to promote? Yes! Yes! Millionsandchoice.com. That's a big one. Check out merchandise.

It's our first time selling merchandise. I'm also thinking, I don't know, I keep thinking about it and never do it. I want to do a t-shirt store

on my own where a bunch of money goes to charity. That's nice. That'd be nice. I've got to get motivated to do that. I really want to do that.

It's just, I haven't had free time to set up. But Millionsandchoice.com We're selling shirts. We have a tech shirt. We have a portrait shirt. We have a stage shirt. We have a sweatshirt. We have socks. We have pins and buttons.

Where do you run the store now? Shopify? That's where it is. Great. Do you know about Shopify? I'm setting up a shop myself. Are you really? Yeah, for my other podcast. Which other podcast? Hurwitz and Middleditch. Hurwitz and Schwartz. Oh, I love that. And then go

and then, what was it? Oh, and the Wine Podcast. It's called The Wine Down. It's on all the places right now. We've done seven episodes. We were on the News and Noteworthy. We were on the Top Podcast thing. We lucked out that people are listening to it, but if you are a fan of this show, my hope is you'd be a fan of that one because it's the three of us

being idiots, but next to a sincere expert. Someone who's put in their 10,000 hours in their field. Check out our episodes and make us look good. We did the chipmunk bit. Oh, yeah, that's true. Even if you want to just support Jake and Amir's episodes, the wine guys will be really excited. Exactly right. Maybe we'll host season two.

We had a good time. What? No, come on. I'm just saying. We had a really good time and Gallo and all those guys were so cool about it. So I hope to do more And thank you for coming On our show

Yeah I mean I got more time Do you guys want to hang out For a little bit We gotta go shoot It's 12.08 If you're listening to this The week of June 4th Jake and I are in Europe

We're in Amsterdam Wow On Monday June 4th And guess who's gonna be With them baby Oh my god Come on I have my own chores

I gotta do unfortunately Okay And then we're gonna be In Dublin on June 10th Oh well now we're talking. Okay. You did a show last time. Can't make it.

I did last time do the O2 Sheffield. What was it called? Shepherd's Bay. You did all of our... No, wait. You did two Dublin shows with us? Yeah. And then a London show.

Yeah. And we're also going to London June 6th, but that show is sold out. Oh, how cool. Yeah. That'll be a good show. London seems awesome. Yeah, it's a fun city. I wonder, when is that show? June 6th. June 6th. Oh, so you're doing a whole European vacation. We're going to Amsterdam, cool. Yeah, that'll be a good show. London seems awesome. Yeah, it's a fun city. I wonder, when is that show?

June 6th. June 6th. Oh, so you're doing a whole European vacation. We're going to Amsterdam, London, Dublin this week. So come check us out, jacodemir.com for tickets. All right, we got to go. Thank you for coming by. The Wind Down, Middle Edition Schwartz, and about nine other projects to check out.

Oh, do you mind if I plug some stuff? Oh, yeah, as long as we're here. Go for it. Duck Tales, Teen Mutant Internals. These are just cartoons you liked growing up? Yeah, I guess just like IMDB me or Google me. Oh, go to rejectedjokes.com. Oh, I just revamped my website.

There we go. There you go. The last plug. All the old stuff I've ever done on my website is now there in a new fashion where you can see it, and it's easy to see. So you can see this cheating video. You can see all the old stuff. You can see all my stuff with Jake and Amir.

Wow. Even outtake videos I have up there Wow So the website I've been running by myself For the past like two decades You can It's new And thank you to Sella and Caitlin

Same name New design For making it look beautiful The opening theme song again Was Justin Goncalves This closing one is by Nick If you have your own theme songs Or questions

Send them all to If I Were You Show at gmail.com We'll be back next week Bye bye Thanks for having me guys Peace theme songs or questions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye, everybody. Thanks for having me, guys. There's a show wholesome and true

It's called If I Were You It's an advice podcast hosted by two Jews. If I were you, here's what I'd do.

I'd email if I were you. Show at gmail.com That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.