Segments - 336: Spanking (Live in London!)

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

In this episode we discuss natural disasters, horny mothers, and Australian Vloggers live at the Leicester Square Theatre in London!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Alright Wow Really milking it

I love it Nice Good man Into the audience Hey London How's it going? Hell yeah Me too

Me too Alright yeah Love it here What? I freaking love it here Hell yeah, me too. Me too. Alright, yeah. I love it here. I freaking love it here. It's a bad Australian accent. Oh, is it? Like, I don't even realise it anymore. I'm just like, God, being here is just like aces, mate.

I have to realise that that's not how you talk all the time. Oh, I didn't even get that until, like, I got here and, like, these are my peep. Did you think that's a slang? I, like, I grew up, like, all around, like, Leicester Square area. So, like, I'm kind of, like, a fashion blogger. This is the wrong accent. I don't know what to tell you. I have like a vlog.

And like, I give like advice on like, which guys to hook up with or whatever. Then that's not a fashion vlog. Right? Yeah. And I was right chuffed about it.

And growing up, I was a Southie guy. Yeah, you guys have been there. And I... What else? Nothing else. What else? Address the audience. What are you doing? You're talking about your fashion vlog where you tell people what guy to fuck?

I'm kind of like a fashion vlogger. You already said that and you're lying. Right, right, right, right. This is insane, I had no idea you were gonna do this. All right, this is my real voice. Are you happy? Go back, the other one was way cooler. Right?

Yeah. How are you guys doing? Great. I'm actually not a chipmunk. But that's a very common wild misconception. I just think it's amazing that you guys would open your borders, open your arms

for this lowly little Hebrew chipmunk to come into your country. And try his hand at stand-up. I also would think that would be incredible if they had done that. Honestly. I'm a human like you standing up. Chippy the chipmunk?

I thought it was really cool when you did the Australian fashion vlogger thing. I think that was really next level for a chipmunk to even know, to subvert that. It was me. It was really cool. Yeah, because you know me. I'm a human.

Look at me. I obviously, I guess, slightly resemble a chipmunk. That wouldn't mean that I am a chipmunk. Where did you get glasses to fit your tiny little chipmunk eyes? Where did you even see an optometrist that was like, sure, chipmunk, I'll let you sit in the chair. What letter is this? I saw Jonathan Macy in Beverly Hills, who's an optometrist for humans,

and I got my glasses at work. What did you pay him with? Dollars. No, not acorns. Not acorns. Really? Because if I were a chipmunk, I wouldn't pay an acorn. You wouldn't know what a dollar is. Yeah, no, I do. I actually know what corn...

Fuck. Alright, here's the deal. My mom is a chipmunk. My father, however... Is also a chipmunk. Yes. Right. But...

But what? I guess being human is a recessive gene, so I am still half human, half monk. Let's let him go on thinking that, actually. Of the chip variety. Cool. Why don't we answer some questions together? How about that?

Okay. Let's take a seat. Actually, this first question comes from a 13-year-old. Crandis? Crandis! Solid name. This is just not going to be my... All right, go ahead. You read it.

I'll figure this out. Okay. Crandis writes... As you guys know, this is a real email from a real person just giving him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Crandis writes, I'm 13, and my previously divorced mother

Mother. Mother. Oh, mother. My previously divorced mother recently married a new guy. He's a good dude and a nice addition to the family. Here's where the problem comes in. I share a room with my younger brother.

Brother. And I sleep on the top of the bunk beds That puts me right next to the ceiling Or approximately three and a half feet below where my new parents have sex Huh? Yeah Nothing's hotter than that Your mom getting railed out by a guy named Greg

They never said his name. All stepdads are Greg. When I hear the bed springs, it wakes me up. My dick gets real hard and I can't... Confused puberty, Kanye. And I can't fall asleep. What's happening to me, mom? When I hear the bed springs, it wakes me up,

my dick gets real hard, and I can't fall asleep, even though I have school in a few hours. So naturally, you'd think I'd rub one out real quick and fall back asleep. But due to the many internet restrictions, it is impossible for me to access porn at 3 a.m. So my only option is to jerk it to my mother's

faint moaning. No way is that the only option. Which makes me incredibly ill. That's right, mom, I am coming. Danette, wow, wow, wow. Wow! To avoid this, I have recently started to sleep on the couch in our basement.

But my mom has made it clear that if I keep sleeping on the couch, I will get grounded. What should I do? It doesn't matter if I wank it before bed because I'm 13 and that's how puberty works. I'm starting to think my only option is to rip my dick off. There's a second option? And spend the next six years in the hospital. Help! Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis.

Okay. Okay. Sand stand. Cool. Yeah, I didn't want to block even a sliver of my body. Yeah, because it's a tiny little chipmunk body. It's actually not. It's a 5 foot 11 inch human body. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

I don't even have to clarify this. I'm so obviously human. This guy is three and a half feet away from his mom fucking. Oh. And because it's the top bunk, he just sees the fucking ceiling vibrate. Shake, shake, shake. Like the tellt mom fucking. Oh. And because it's the top bunk he just sees the fucking ceiling vibrate. Like the telltale heart. Yeah.

Dust from the popcorn kernel ceiling just falling onto his heart. Yeah, that cottage cheese. That stucco dust. Like cum falling in his open mouth. Oh, Greg! Bouncier, mother.

I was not doing the guy getting fucked by his mom. Oh. Right. Where is your advice trending? I'm just worried that if her perverted way of grounding him Is to actually push him higher to the ceiling Which is where this is trended So it's like he has the top bunk

Then they like put some mattresses under his mattress Or yeah like mattress under his mattress Pushing him closer Then some books Then another thing And then pretty soon his face is just smeared up against the ceiling Feeling his mom. Oh, oh, Greg.

If you're a bad enough boy, you have to sleep under mommy's bed. And then the springs are just actually fucking you. Oh, that's good. How about a fleshlight in between his dick and the roof? So with every thrust he's sort of getting

off hands-free. Stepdaddy Greg is fucking you now, Candace. Your mom in the fleshlight acting as a condom. So when you guys tell... Cut your dick off. When you tell tale of this show,

just remember that Amir said you wear your mom as a condom at one point. But it made sense on the day. Not really. Is anybody here dragged by a friend who didn't know what the fuck was supposed to happen tonight? Yes! And so far, has this show been normal?

Is it good to you to have me yell in Australia and talk about how good I am and then fucking your own mother? Did you pay for the ticket? Do you dislike your friend now? Oh, my God. Even worse. Because they're related forever.

So he... So right now he is grounded if he sleeps on the couch, right? That's right. But I bet if he says, I was actually sleeping on the couch, mother, because I heard you getting railed out. And I couldn't contain myself and I had to nut. How about, am I grounded now, mom?

Or can I sleep in the basement forever? You sleep outside. You gotta smoke a cigarette while talking to your mom like that. Like you're a concerned parent who waited up late for its child to walk home only at six in the morning and you can say

stuff like, I was worried sick. Wait, why? Greg and I were worried sick about you. This is the kid and Greg to the mom? That's right. It took you 23 minutes to come last night, mother.

Ask me how I know. What if you just switch beds with your brother? Switch beds with your brother. I've already cut my dick off. A six-year punishment, he says. Yeah, what hospital takes six years to put back on the penis? Feels like that's just a matter, that's like a couple weeks max. And then maybe,

well maybe it's years and years of emotional therapy because you've pulled off your penis so you probably have some like psychological stuff to work out. Yeah, I don't think they can reattach that kind of stuff. Really?

I think they can give you like a monkey's heart as a dick. Oh, I could upgrade to a gorilla dick though. Yeah. Wait, you can't get... Your dick could get reattached.

And you're saying that from what point of professionalism? I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. Well, I'm a comedian now, but I went to medical school. I went to Yale University. It's a very prestigious American university. And what class is it where they told you you can put a little dick back onto your severed penis body?

Medicine. That was the medicine school. Medicine 101, baby. Medicine class. Yeah. Welcome to Medicine 101. Let's get into it. Page one.

It wasn't page one. You can reattach your dick. Page two. I mean, I don't, I didn't, I learned a lot of shit, so I don't know exactly what page the dick

reattachment shit is. But yeah. It's like what the the dick reattachment shit is. It's like what the common cold is. Yeah, like how certain medicines work, like penicillin. So if your dick falls off, they can just sort of reattach it. They sew it back on, put it on ice. After they sew it back on? Yes. Are you a doctor?

Does anybody here a doctor? That makes sense Smart people don't Care for us Of course Of course The dummies do Yeah we did

The mom has a condom thing Alright we helped this guy Yeah Tell your mom that you're sleeping in the basement Dummies do. Yeah, we did the mom has a condom thing. All right, we helped this guy. Yeah, tell your mom that you're sleeping in the basement because it's how loud she gets fucked, and then she'll be like, you can sleep in there forever. Actually, take my room. I'll sleep in the basement. I'm grounded.

Or earplugs. Oh, earplugs works. Yeah. It's got a female name. LeBron. Chipmunk. Octopus. LeBron. Chipmunk. Octopus. LeBron Chipmunk Octopus.

Muhammad. We already have three names. Yeah, Muhammad's that name. Huh? I don't know. You're right. You don't know. That guy's a doctor.

Trying to be. All right. LeBron, chipmunk, octopus, Muhammad. The fourth. The third.

Excuse you. Sorry about that. The third. You're right. I'm a long-time listener, second-time writer. I'm a British lady. Maybe she's a British lady. Maybe

she's a vlogger. That would be a right coincidence. You have to blink. Just please blink. I'm a British lady currently residing in Japan and I have a problem with some work dynamic. Basically, I work for a small family business.

They have a nine-year-old queen diva bitch for a daughter. She's a tyrant and no one likes her. Even me. Sounds like a special of you. She stopped going to school because she was traumatized by an earthquake. It's been ten months. Grow up, bitch, you're nine. You're not

eight. No other child in her school was affected. We use an iPad for checkout, and this small little she-devil takes the thing as her own for large portions of the day to watch YouTube

and yells at all the staff, especially her mother. And they all listen to her. My co-worker William had to be a chicken for a day. At her BS. Tell me

it's your fuck. Meanwhile, I can't get this troll to clean up after herself or talk in a non-shouting tone. One time, I managed to trick her into vacuuming up crumbs she left all over the floor by asking her if she knew how the vacuum worked.

When she realized she was fooled, she got super mad and threatened to fire me. Which she has the authority to do. That's what it says. Worst part of all, this little queen bitch could actually do it if she wanted.

Are you sure she's a nine-year-old? Maybe it's just a small woman. Yeah. I've been to Japan. Oh, come on. What? You haven't said one woke thing A nine-year-old, maybe it's just a small woman. Yeah. I've been to Japan. Oh, come on. What? You haven't said one woke thing since you got here.

This is a safe space here and everywhere on the internet. What can I do, she writes. This child needs discipline, and I don't know how to do it. What would you do in my situation? Please give me your advice, or maybe just a bit of comedy to help me get through each and every day. Love, LeBron, Chipmunk Octopus, Muhammad III.

Nice. Cheers. Cheers. Have you ever encountered a bratty nine-year-old? Um, no. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Uh, but not to this extent. Not anybody telling me I

had to be a chicken. I wouldn't have that at all. Maybe a rooster. At worst. Uh, begock, begock, bitch. Yeah, it's hard to, it's hard to reprimand a nine-year-old that's not yours. Remember the show The Slap? Yes. It was about this dad slapping a child that wasn't his.

Right. Do you think this nine-year-old needs a spanking? Are you a spanking guy? Tread lightly here, Blumenfeld. You are advocating beating the child. I've never been spanked. I've never been spanked. You've never been spanked? What about like in a sexual way?

Oh, in a sexual way. No, but I have had someone pop a zit on my buttocks. In a sexual way? Absolutely so. Someone has delivered an ass facial to me. That's actually part two of my vlog. Only on Pornhub.

Is Britain like a spanking country at all? Was it ever? Cool. You can't do that shit anymore. You can't poll the audience anymore. You can't poll the audience anymore. Of course they got spanked. Look at them. You polled them earlier to see

if they thought you were more American. You polled them for your needs all the time. Yeah, but that's okay. Okay. Yeah, but it seems like that's been falling out of favor, which is not what we're trying to suggest You shouldn't spank somebody else's nine-year-old daughter Definitely

Unless she really asks for it Yeah If she's like really asking for the spanking You can No, you don't Hey, I'm kidding I'm kidding Woo

And there's a whole bunch of weird little British security guard guys They're all eight-year-old boys with tiny billy clubs. Were you spanked? No. Yeah, sort of. My parents would never... I don't think I was ever really spanked except for maybe like once or twice. But that once or twice was enough that every other time my parents were like,

we're going to spank you. I was like, I'll behave. I was more of a, we're going to sendank you. I was like, I'll behave. I was more of a, we're going to send you away to camp, kid. Oh, I see. Yeah, idle threats got me to stay in there. And the threats were just eight-week summer camps

where you could river raft, go to do arts and crafts and just... I would really hate to be away from mother for the summer. So it's like a nice little utopia for toddlers and tweens. Not for Jakey. If I can't be in the kitchen with my mom, I don't know what summer is all about.

We're going to send you to a place where you'll learn guitar. Please, mother. Campfires, you'll make s'mores, perhaps. I just want to watch TV in the living room while you make cookies, mama. Yeah, spanking is weird. Why choose to slap kids there? Anyway, I don't have any children, so...

That's not for me to decide yet. I know what to do with this kid, though. Yeah, because you're welcome, because you had no idea, right? I don't exactly know what to do. No, no, no. You fucking fake earthquake. Oh! That's right. You, one No, no, no. You fucking fake earthquake. Oh.

That's right. You, one day, everybody is gone. Yeah, you can applause. That's correct. That is correct. You just start shaking shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, no, what's that? Tanya. There's an earthquake here. It's the big one. We're all gonna die. Especially you. God, take her first And then she's gonna go back to school

Why? Wouldn't that make her more scared? No you say the earthquakes are only there in the store She's nine she doesn't know about Fucking tectonic plates God I can't wait to lie to my kids Oh yeah They have to believe you cause they have no frame of reference

Lying's better than spanking I'll do both I'll be like There's nine continents Pens and pencils are interchangeable You can use either one It's fine Paper's not really made from trees

And that never happened Daddy never slapped you Will you marry me And that never happened. Daddy never slapped you. Will you marry me? Knowing full well that that's how I intend to raise my kid. Who are you talking to? A proverbial woman of my life. She's eight foot four.

Having just... Hot, but so hot. I think we helped. All right, good man. Good work. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Yes, no, we already,

we gave them that one. Remember, that was the last person's last name. Jake, how was your stag? Save it for the Q&A. Is stag like a bachelor party? Yes! Very cool.

See, my dad never told me that while he spanked me. He was like, bachelor parties, what they're called, worldwide. And now my ass is sore and my brain is dumb. So specific for your dad to do that. Yeah. Actually, that's my Tinder bio. We need a Swedish man's name. that. Yeah. Actually, that's my Tinder bio. We need a Swedish man's name.

Chef? Swedish chef. That's pretty good. What is it? Chef, because it's a Swedish chef. Oh. Yeah, I guess. Go ahead. Man George. That's good too

Yes, yes, or Muhammad We heard you the first time We also used the name Chef Man George Muhammad The third Oh, Jesus Christ Why not just go by Junior at that point? Yeah Oh, Jesus Christ. Why not just go by Junior at that point? Yeah.

Yeah. It's nice. People don't usually clap at my witty comebacks. But they should. Yeah. Well, now they're going to not because you say stuff like that. I deserve it. All right.

And I asked for it. What a bad attitude. And I deserve it. And I ask for it. What a bad attitude. And I earn it. And it's good. Nice. That wasn't one. That wasn't one. I love that. The undeserved ones mean more to me.

Anyway. Ships ahoy, Jake and Amir. I'm in a bit of a pickle at the moment, and it all started after a rough night out in the Swedish hometown of Gothenburg. Here's where the tale is to be told. We started off calm and nice with a whiskey and a beer

at one of the rooms... What is the accent? Why is it creeping back? It's not Swedish. I'm Swedish. And a vlogger. Kroger dogger. We started

off calm and nice with a whiskey and a beer at one of the rooftops in town and quickly decided to get slushed with some sake at another establishment. Long story short, at 3.15 in the morning we decided to get slushed with some sake at another establishment. Long story short, at 3.15 in the morning, we decided to go to a nightclub just to finish the night in good spirits. Oh. No. Also nice.

Finish the night in good spirits and a happy manner. After a while, this horde of girls started to stare at us and came over and asked for our autographs for reasons unknown. We said all right and signed a napkin and spat on it and kept downing these drinks. In the Swedish fashion. A la Swedish mode, of course. After a while, they sat down around

us and started chatting away and wanted to after-party. As we were hammered, this was a great idea. And my apartment is 20 steps away from High Street here in Gothenburg. So we invited them to my place for some cock

tails. Nice. And of course, some barbecue at my terrace. Sweden's so weird. Barbecue at 5 a.m. After a while, a girl started rubbing my dick with her hand. Yeah, man, this girl was smoking hot, and I could not understand why she was wow, this is weird, why she would be into

someone like me. I'm a sweaty chef. You're on the question. You're from Gothenburg. Cheers and toad out of that. I invited her to my chambers and we started going in the right direction. After a while, she screamed,

stick it in my ass. And I thought, nah. And I thought, alright, alright, alright. McConaughey. Nice. I pumped it for a while and she fucking launched off my dick in the direction of my pillows

and shit all over my stomach. And my thighs, and my linen. And they started just wanting to go back for a barbecue. I just wanted ribs. At this stage, I'm so shocked that I stare at her in the face and say, okay? She answers that that was a good fuck.

Can't she see that I'm covered in her manure and shaking and trying to hold back my puke. I called my cleaners, threw away the slinnen, and got a new bed the next day, probably at an Ikea. Now a week later, she's been calling me and ringing my doorbell every night. She sends me texts and asks me my portier to let her into my apartment. I guess that's a doorman

of sorts. A portier, of course. Of course, yeah. Does she really think I want to meet her again after being her personal shit shield? What should I do? Sell my apartment He already got rid of his bed

Or do I keep on ignoring her Like I'm doing right now I thank you for the advice Kind regards Chef Todata Chef So this is a normal night in Sweden chef. Toadada chef. So this is a normal night in Sweden.

What a tale. Obviously. He unplugged her. Have you ever gotten lint out of your iPhone charger hole? Oh, yeah. Just like using a fingernail to pluck out some hardened cotton I used the back of an earring and just lifted the lint up

oh man huge so this is like that but with a human body where your penis is like the hook that pulls the lint and the lint is the shit so for her it's the best feeling ever that's why she said that was a good fuck and that's why she's talking to the portier

and saying, let me into his apartment. I really have to take his shit. Let me up. I've been backed up. I feel like she just didn't know that she took his shit on him. It's impossible not to know. Although if a dick is coming out,

who's to say another log or two does? I think that's sort of it. There's a a firm like five to eight inch rod in you and then like it slides out and then maybe some turds come out too and it's just like who's to say there was just a whole bunch of stuff in your

butt and now your butt is free. I would be like was that you or me? Oh you shit yourself. Oh that wasn't me. Oh it came out all over your knees and linen. Oh you must shit yourself. Oh, that wasn't me. Oh, it came out all over your knees and linen. Oh, you must move apartments. You even got some along my asshole. It's still coming out of me, you little deviant bitch.

You shit out your penis into me. I mean, how dare you for that? At least buy me Barbecue first sailor Do you have to have a sit down with this lady And be like I can't have you around anymore After what you've done I think you have one more date One more date where you don't go to the club

You don't get sloppy You just take her out for sushi You go out. You have a drink. You maybe do a little sake, a little more. That's nice. Hair of the dog. Yeah, some chili, some turkey chili. Or a curry.

Well, you don't want to do anything that's going to... Some lamb, lamb sog. Be careful, because if it turns... Actually, let's do another round. I just don't know about that. And chicken tikka masala. Never let me see the bottom of this bowl. And a couple shots of espresso to go

to settle the stomach. Pickle back, pickle back, pickle back. That's pickle juice and whiskey. More curry. Ex-lax, molly, Adderall, Pepto. And then she shits in his bed before he even fucks her.

Of course. Her system's clean. I think you get one date, a little bit of liquor, and then you ask. You're like, do you know that you shit on me? Of course Her system's clean I think you get One date A little bit of liquor And then you ask You're like Do you know that you shit on me? And then it sort of clears the air

I'm sorry Am I the only guy That would go on a second date With somebody that shit on him? You went on a second date With someone that peed in your bed That's Quite

Accurate Actually So this is like A one up on that Yeah with someone that peed in your bed. That's quite accurate, actually. So this is like a one-up on that situation. Yeah, and I didn't even think twice about that. Yeah. But that was a number one. Huh? This is a number two.

Yeah, and I would go on two more dates with her. That was a really awful wink. To anyone listening at home, Jake just winked and it was amazing. Yeah. He definitely didn't blink and then nudge his head to the left. Actually, you can just turn your head to the side, blink. You all saw it as a wink.

I invented a new wink, everybody. And actually, if you go straight ahead, I just winked at you and you. That's a double wink, bitch. Blink is to wink as poop is to pee. So it makes sense that you would blink at people. Because you clearly have some sort of shiza fetish. Look at that shit-eating grin.

I guess I would move apartments It sounded extreme at the time Your place has a terrace And a portier Who might as well be Sidney Portier It really might be Sidney Portier They call me Mr. Shit Very good

Very very good. Too good. It was lost on them. I'll burp again. And then... Wait a second. Let's take a break as we're going to thank some sponsors. Yeah, yeah. Let's get a break as we're going to thank some sponsors. Yeah, yeah.

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We had a fun time. We asked and answered and it was just everyone enjoyed ourselves and we didn't talk about Dave Rosenberg's asshole at all. Which was the best part of the break, I think. That we got a respite

from thinking about it. Just for a little bit. All right. We have a 16-year-old boy. How about a name from the back? Let's get a back row. Back row! LASIK! LASIK? LASIK. year old boy. How about a name from the back? Let's get a back row.

LASIK. LASIK. That's actually a cool name. I can see you really, really well. The guy who said that. Is your LASIK fully healed at this point? Oh yeah. I'm not even using the drops anymore, man. I can see a little flap though. Yeah, well I have the flap. You have to sort of push the flap

there. Oh yeah. It's like a little window shade. So yeah well I have the, yeah, the flap, you have to sort of push the flap there. Oh, yeah, it's like a little window shade. So yeah, if I just hold my corny right down nice and clean. Oh, I'm so sad to hear that. That's right.

Oh, and it flipped up. Okay. It's behind the old eye again. That's fine. But lefty, this one's good. Yeah. This one's good still. Fuck.

A lot of people told us, tweeted that they were ill listening to that interview. Really? Was anybody here sick into their stomach as Jake described burning eyes? Brits are cool. That's really cool. You guys should try Lysic.

You touched your whiskey, man. You just haven't even sipped it. And I think you need to do a shooey. Sip. Sip. S a shooey. Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip.

Sip. Because all he wants to do is sip. That was so gentlemanly, man. Epic. Epic. What an epic sip, mate. This is not British. I'm actually friends with a surfer?

It's so mildly impressive. Okay. LASIK writes, I'm 16 years old, and I have recently started working at a burger restaurant And I am like Legit bad at it Literally

Everybody there seems like A mixture of anger and pity Aimed at my direction at all times Yesterday I broke a milkshake machine And one of the managers told me That I am one more fuck up away from getting fired That said There is one silver lining

In the form of a goddamn Smoke show of a colleague We get along really well And our conversations have been getting Increasingly flirtatious Yesterday I rapped for her And I think she liked it Okay, this is the broken milkshake freestyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That said, there is one problem She's in a long-term relationship With another colleague And they're both higher up than me In the food chain How do I convince this slut to cheat on her boyfriend with me?

Bear in mind, I don't want to make her my girlfriend as she is one, kind of annoying and two, not that hot. You called her a smoke show dime two sentences ago. That being said, I would like to sample the vag once just to see what it's like.

Just to see what it's like. My problem is how do I make sure she knows this is a one time thing? That is not your problem. And stop her in advance for being a clingy bitch. Oh my god. Love LASIK. LASIK

is the man! In America, that's everybody! That guy's the coolest! He broke a milkshake machine! Christ, you guys don't get it out here. Has a girl ever been rapped to in here as a sign of peacocking or...

Yes? And did it... May I ask if it worked? It was weird? It was bad? Oh, it's still here? Wait. She's currently on a date with the guy that rapped for her. Oh, really?

I guess. To the rap. To the rap. To the rap! Do the rap! I guess... Do the rap! Do the rap! Do the rap! Do the rap! He's not... Are you going to do the rap? Of course. Obviously. You know the way you flirted with someone?

Do it to 500 strangers And we'll all sort of critically judge it With an eye towards you being a loser We did sort of establish up top That it was going to be bad and lame And then ask him to come up and perform It would take a lot of courage Stand in the spotlight in front of us

We're ready to laugh at you And rap something you're probably not good at Yeah it's hard to convince someone over with a rap Then again it's hard to convince someone to break up with you Their boyfriend for you if you're a bad guy That's actually a really bad idea Yeah I mean, no. Quit your job.

Do something different. Go to school or something. I don't know. Be a better guy. How does one become better of them? Can you learn to be that way? Volunteer. I think you should actually volunteer.

Yeah. And actually, I have a rap song to go with it. Oh, really? Yeah. Alright. Uh, uh, yo. Should I provide a beat? No, I'm good. Yeah. I really think you could use one. I don't need one. Let me at least start you off. Okay, go ahead.

No, fuck it. Cut the beat. Yo, this is the acapella because I'm an acapella. Nice. Beat, now bring it back. Yeah, and now watch the beat drop. Stop, okay? Relax. Don't fucking do the beat thing again,

because that actually really throws me off. Oh, yeah, you like a milkshake? Well, I'm milkshake. Now beat, come on. You, please? Yeah. Yo, you like hamburgers? Beat off.

You have to just fucking feel it. You haven't said anything about volunteering yet. I'm going to get there. You spent most of the rap telling me to start, then stop beatboxing for you. Just get to the fucking point. I was going to say volunteer, how about a volunteer?

And then I was going to chug a beer to a fucking thunderous applause, but you ruined it. Wow. I'm sorry. We're over now, but I wanted to get to this last question. Do you guys have time for one more question? Hell yeah. We love these London shows.

Thanks so much for coming out. Thank you. We'll always come back. We'll always come back. Although maybe we should go to Manchester. I love Manchester. Yeah, I was going to say. No, that's the right reaction to Manchester.

We're obviously kidding. We would never go to Manchester. We're obviously kidding. We would never go to Manchester. We are going to Dublin, though. All right, that got some woos. All right, how about... Muhammad? No, not Muhammad. You're scaring us, Muhammad.

Old cop! Who's... Old cop! What did you say? I appreciate old cop Yo Say it again Lord My fucking girlfriend man

Yeah That's why I've been right We met on Tinder She is 16 16 18 18 I said I've been right. We met on Tinder. She is 16. 16? 18. 18, I said.

Oh, man. Comes right back. This girl is a bot. What? She's not real. I love you. I love you. I love you. Tread lightly, fucker.

Solid ep. Load writes, Hi guys, I'm in quite a predicament. I'm going to school in California and my girlfriend is going to a college in Hawaii. If you remember a few months ago, there was a catastrophe in Hawaii where an alert was sent to everyone saying that there were missiles incoming.

Do you guys hear about that here? Big deal. My girlfriend was in Hawaii when this happened and specifically, she was there in a private tutoring session when they got the warning. It was a scary moment, but I was very relieved when I was told it was fake.

I hadn't thought about it for a while until last night when my girlfriend dropped a bomb on me. And then he says, pun intended. Very good. During those minutes where she thought she was going to die, she made out with and got to third base with

her tutor. She told me that she thought she was going to die, so she wanted to have a bit of excitement before she thought she was going to die. Apparently, after they got the notification it was fake, they stopped messing around. Should I break up with her?

Does thinking that you're going to die messing around. Should I break up with her? Does thinking that you're going to die give you car plunge access to cheating on me? He misspelled that. Car plunge access to cheating on me. What are your thoughts, love?

Load. Load. Let's give it up for Load. Why Load? I'm surprised that they only got to third base. Well, they went straight to third. But I mean, still, like, fuck, you were going to die, right? I question her judgment for other reasons. Oh, I see.

So you're okay with the whole... Do you consider this cheating if you assume death? Yeah, it's still cheating. For sure. Was death imminent, though? If death was truly imminent. Like if your girlfriend was... Sorry, fiancé.

Anyway, it was on a hijacked airplane and it was going down, down, down. You'd let her hook up in the bathroom. I wouldn't, it's not, yeah, I guess I wouldn't be there to let her or not. I guess, here's what I think about it. It is fine that she did it,

but I think it's grounds for expulsion. I think you're allowed to break up with her. Break up with? Yeah. She thought the world was gonna end. This was not a normal circumstance. I totally appreciate that, but I think these, you still, it's still cheating. You think it's straight up not cheating?

I think it's the lowest rung of the cheating ladder. But it's on the cheating ladder? What are you saying, it's on the cheating ladder? Because you called it the cheating ladder. I think it's more excusable than drunkenly making out with somebody. I agree, but I would break up with somebody if they drunkenly got fingered by somebody. I'm saying getting fingered in these circumstances is lower than drunkenly making out at a party.

No way! Yeah way! I don't think so. Because you assume you're going to death. And as such... And she was like, no. She was like, let's run for cover. She was like, no.

I have a better idea. Finger me. Yeah. I just feel like you are on a slippery slope, wherein next time she goes to tutor class, the tutor is like, global warming is a real problem. Can I go

to second base? Yeah. I just, yeah, I don't know I think it's danger zone Yeah, but it's hard because she thought she was gonna die And then you're breaking up with her in addition to that Yeah, but I feel like you could be like You're not gonna die, life's beautiful You got to third base and I'm not your boyfriend anymore

Let's take a poll Who here agrees with Jake It's grounds for termination Better than I thought Who here agrees with me That it's not that bad She thought she was gonna die I'm gonna call that for all Hurwitz actually

Really I was gonna say the exact opposite. Really? In fact, I think there's a hurricane outside. Quick, jerk him off! Let's ask one more time. Who thinks Amir was right? And who thinks Jake is right and Amir's a chipmunk?

Wow. Thank you, London! Thank you guys so much. Did you have fun tonight? We very much so appreciate you guys coming out. Please, I think we're doing a meet and greet for the first three rosers, so if you got a ticket, stick around.

We'll namaste to everybody. To everyone else, we love you just as much. Good night. Later. Later. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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