Segments - 338: Class Clowns

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

In this episode, our favorite Game Boy returns to discuss funny students, mean teachers and Jake's wedding.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only You are now about to witness the strength of the HeadGum Podcast I'm coming straight out of HeadGum Two crazy Jews filled with odd butt cum And me and Smart and my boy Jake not too dumb, when I'm confused they'll be all mused

Ask a question and your answer all approved, Jake and Amir if you wanna fuck with me The Game Boy is gonna have to come and get me, off your ass but please change the khaki If I were you the answer's gonna be wacky, questions start to tumble, Jake isn't humble No STD's so the girls won't fumble Send a stupid question, Jake will call you dumb Don't get excited or you might lose your cum So give it up please, with Jake and the me you always got a seize of cheese Here's a little question about my girlfriend cheating Or how often should I give my dick a beating

If I were you at gmail.com Chitterlitterlay, that's where you gotta get it on Some questions asked if I should smoke the reefer And you'll answer that with your main voice treater I'm standing here dickless for Michael Chiklis, the only podcast where nothing's off limits like Ooshy Show, X with Ben Shorts and my boy Murphy. So when I'm in the neighborhood, you better duck, cause Jake and Amir are crazy as fuck. You do you, that's what you gotta do. So welcome to the show, if I were you. Whoa. Epic.

That was hype. That was absolutely hype. I have a feeling that I'll be really on fleek this episode due to the hip-hop nature of that opening theme. I might be dabbing in a moment. For it. Yeah, let's see it. You are. Yo.

Oh. Are you okay? Yo. Your shoulder looks pretty bruised from that. I elbowed myself in the eye. And I have a stye. That was called Straight out of HeadGum. And this man, Nick Carter, a.k.a. Busty, wants us to follow his SoundCloud at BustyHipHop.

Nick Carter? Yeah, Nick Carter. Of That's How I Beat Shaq, fam? That's a really obscure reference, but yeah, that Nick Carter. I took it to the hoop like slam. Isn't that Aaron Carter? Huh? Isn't that Aaron Carter?

Oh yeah, that is Aaron Carter. Nick Carter is the Backstreet Boy. Yeah. The more known Carter. Yeah, it's weird that you knew enough about, that's how I beat Shaq, but still didn't know Nick versus Aaron Carter. I'm feeling a bit slow on the day.

What day is that? On the day is today, in the moment. Of now. Of now, the second. And tomorrow you leave. Tomorrow I leave, I go to New York friggin' city, baby. Tomorrow you'll be gone. When's your flight?

I just looked, actually. 4 a.m. 25. In the morning. The goat time. That is peak traffic at LAX. We are leaving at 7.48. The traffic will absolutely be brutal.

That is a fact. But? But it's nice to not have to wake up at like 4.50. Yeah. You know? Sometimes I get up at like 4.50. Yeah. You know? Sometimes I get that like 7 a.m. Yeah. When are you waking up for a 9 a.m.?

I'm going to wake up at 6 because I'm going to go on a run tomorrow before the flight. Really? That's how fucking fit and healthy and happy I am. 6 a.m. run? 6 a.m. run. What are you trying to squeeze in? Some extra lost calories? I'm just trying to stay on my workout reg that I have designed.

In order to? Get ripped as fuck for my wedding. Because the photos for photos are just like, it doesn't matter really. It's just nice to have a goal for shit. Got it. So after the wedding. I always have some sort of three months from now goal to get ripped for. That way I stay ripped year round. Right. But if anything, your wedding is the least thing now goal to get ripped for. It's not like you're wearing ripped year round.

Right. But like, if anything, your wedding is the least thing you have to be ripped for. Cause you have to wear a tuxedo and then like a jacket on top of that. That's true. But being ripped is less about like how I look and more about how I feel. Oh,

I see. So you want to be like happy on your wedding day where it's like, if you were a little like overweight, you would just be like a sad little pumpkin man trying to get wedded and then like sort of passing off the tears. That brings it back to how you look and that's not what it's about for me, okay? It's about feeling light and light and easy to move around and you don't feel like your ass is going to fall off or something, you know? Like when you're hung, you don't want to be hung over on your wedding. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Except, although the night before is kind of like a mini celebration usually. Well, I think I probably won't party too much. From what I've heard, pretty much nobody gets that drunk on their wedding because you're doing a lot of other shit. Oh, walking around, talking, checking in. Taking photos. But then everyone wants like a shot. Let me get you a shot with the new groom.

Let's take a fucking shot and dance. I don't think I've, I mean, I've definitely taken lots of shots at the wedding, but it's almost never ever been with the bride or the groom. It's like everyone else partying and you're at the epicenter. You're the eye of the hurricane. I imagine it's like, it's similar to just throwing a party.

And every time I throw a party, I tend to get less drunk. Yeah. You don't throw up, Artie. Yeah. Nice. You throw a party. You're not invited to my wedding. By the way, I wanted to mention that.

And I wanted to wait until we were recording. I was going to say, maybe don't tell me. To catch your live reaction. Yeah, it's upset. It's disappointed. I'm shocked. I can't believe that. You sent me a...

The invitation is rescinded. Yeah. I was going to say you sent me an invitation. That's right. And I also got your RSVP, and I appreciate your prompt response. And your girlfriend is still invited. Your parents are still invited. They're not going to go if I'm not invited.

I already talked to your parents, and I let them know. And how did they take the information? Were they like no way, I'm not going. It didn't faze them. It didn't faze them. I had a text to Avital. Yeah. And yeah, Avital is fine with it too. She would love to be there. I see it says that. Yeah, she's like, I'll be there. And then she changed the subject.

To what? What else is there to talk about after hearing such a bombshell of a news update from that? She's talking to me about the Poland soccer match tomorrow, which is funny because it doesn't even matter. She doesn't usually watch football, I don't think. She doesn't even watch it, and they're already eliminated. It's inconsequential.

Yeah. It's so funny that she would care about it. It hurts to hear, why am I not invited to your wedding anymore? Don't laugh if you're hurt, right? You're laughing. I'm laughing because it's funny to me. You're crying now. I'm crying because I'm sad of it.

I would still love to attend. If I show up, you're not going to kick me out? I would. I would kick you out. Not personally. You wouldn't be like, oh, I'll show up, and they won't want to make a scene. Yeah. But I would be like oh I'll show up and they won't want to make a scene but I'm actually sort of hoping you show up

because I will make an example out of you like in a way that like is embarrassing to me or like kind of like in a painful way I'll have all of my groomsmen hold you back as I punch you I used to be one of them I was one of them until that happened until you just changed your mind seemingly randomly.

Tell you what, you can come. Awesome. But should we ask the audience about your suit conundrum? Oh, okay. Well, it's not for your wedding, but it's for a wedding. I keep seeing people, specifically NBA athletes, wearing suits, but the pants are shorts. A short suit. Yeah.

With a long jacket. To me, it's kind of the modern evolution. Short suit and a long jacket. For me, it's like a modern evolution of a suit. I'm starting to see a lot of short sleeve dress shirts. And I'm like, oh, I bought one of those. That's really comfortable because it's warm out. Yeah. Now it's like, okay, they're wearing, they're wearing suit shorts, these athletes. And you know, they're at the forefront

of fashion and they deserve to be. So slowly but surely it's trickling down to people of my athletic ability. Who just look up to the people who make the fashion choices. That's right. And I'm seeing these suits and these shorts. I'm like, that's a great, one just practically because it's very,

very hot during wedding season. It's the summer. A lot of them are on the East Coast. It's humid. One of the hottest weddings I ever went to was right outside of D.C.

It was like 102 degrees, super humid. Everyone's wearing a fucking thick suit. My sister's wedding was in North Carolina. I don't think it was 102, but it was humid as fuck. It's not practical. And I'm wearing a three layer suit. My sister's wedding was in North Carolina. I don't think it was 100, too, but it was humid as fuck. It's not practical.

It's not practical. So I'm seeing these suit shorts. I'm like, what if that's a cool way to subvert the heat and wearing something that's a little fashion forward? So I float the idea to a few friends and family, and I've been met with great rejection so far. Almost resounding scorn. Yeah, you and a couple other people have likened it to a romp him

where it's just like, what are you wearing? You're just trying to make this day about you. This is just like a silly, weird, silly, stupid thing. I'd like to go on record saying I did liken it to a romp him, but I also encourage you to wear it. But would you encourage me to wear a romp him? I don't think it would be formal enough for the occasion. And I've seen you in a romp

him. Yeah. And it looked good. And it felt good. Did you like the way it felt? I just didn't like getting looks and that's what I'm worried about because so now I'm leaning towards maybe since it's a wedding and it's someone else's day, one, I don't want to like take the attention off of them,

and two, what if somebody else shows up in suit shorts and we fucking make eye contact with each other? I remember having a mustache, and I couldn't even look at another mustachioed man in the eyes. I just feel like an unoriginal doof. I remember at my high school prom, I wore a white tuxedo with a cane and a hat. Dumb and dumber style.

Yeah, my friend had a black tuxedo, but he had the cane and the hat. My other friend had a pinstripe tuxedo with the cane and the hat. I thought it was going to be the coolest thing. I was like, everyone's going to think this is hilarious. And then I got there and there was one other kid, like also somebody

who was like, thought of himself as the class clown. That's right. Wearing a white tuxedo. And I was just like, And the hat? I was like,

he wasn't, I don't think he was wearing a hat. No cane? No cane, but his tux was white. And I remember being like, I am so unoriginal. Like,

I thought of the same joke as Rick. And Rick's a loser to me. I made fun of fucking Rick. And there he is. But back to you, I think that the more valid fear is definitely

showing up and having somebody else be wearing a shorts suit. Yeah. No matter how much flair you have, you're not going to take the shine off of Sarah or Mike. It's like still their day. Yeah, but I don't want to walk around and like, I don't want people to stare at me, start a conversation with me. Every conversation you have will be about your shortsuit. That's right.

Absolutely true. Yeah. It's almost like I want to wear it, but I don't want people to notice. But then that's exactly what it's going to come off as. You would rather it's the fashion of the day. Exactly. And I want it to be the fashion of the day on the day. It will never happen unless you have the gumption, have the courage, the gall, the attitude, the foresight, and the hindsight.

I think I have the hindsight. I think what I'm going to do is wait for a summer soiree that's not a wedding. Like then you can see me pulling it off because that's fine if it's just this like premiere show or like a fun little party that we're happening to have. If we do a screening for Lonely and Horny, would you wear a short suit? That's an example of something that I can wear a short suit for. Because then it's like sort of my thing so I can do the stupid thing. And then it's like I'm not really taking it away from anybody because, if anything, I'm detracting from the own thing that we made.

Right. And would you allow me to wear a short suit? I will always encourage it. I think you have the gams for it. I really do. The quads and the calves. Yeah. And then there's a question about how high and low the shorts should be.

Right. I mean, the shorts, they should be seven to nine inch, you can see them on the shorts. Yeah. Well, we can tackle that issue when we get there. And I'm going to have to sacrifice a suit. I'm not buying a new suit. I'm converting one of my suits into a short suit. Yeah. I'm going to go in there and say, take off the bottom half of these pants.

And the tailor will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, weigh in on Twitter. Let me know what I should do. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by I, Amir, and you, Jake. The Game Boy. Oh. He's back. Oh.

After all these years? Did someone say game? No. I did. Yeah, so you can't... I'm the game boy. You're like a genie who rubbed the lamp from the inside. Oh!

No, no. You have to wait until someone says... I was masturbating on the inside of the lamp. Oh! You're not even from a lamp. You just show up. I see your Nissan Cube outside. Was that your Uber? Or you drive Lyft? The even from a lamp. You just show up. I see your Nissan Cube outside. Was that your Uber?

Or you drive Lyft? The license plate says lamp. Oh! And there was dice in the mirror. That's right. We didn't quite have time to find questions for this episode yet. So we're going to be playing the good old-fashioned game with a good old-fashioned Game Boy. Oh!

The way it works is we search our Gmail, over 10,000 emails now, for an unread question, and we do so by searching a specific word that we're hoping only yields one result. Game Boy, do you have that hole in one? Coma.

C-O-M-A Coma. Pretty good. There are ten results, P-O-M-A, coma. Coma. Pretty good. There are ten results. Not bad. Three of them unread. Ooh.

At a quick glance, let's see which one is the best. There's one called owll Carcass. So maybe we should answer that one. Nice. What are the other subjects? There's Owl Carcass. There's Needs Help. There's Scary Lawyer.

There's Follow-Up Pup Owl Carcass. Ooh, we got to go Owl Carcass. Yeah. I was going to search Owl Carcass. I feel so bad. Damn. That would have definitely won the game. Well, it gotta go owl carcass. Yeah. I was gonna search owl carcass. I feel so bad. Damn. That would have definitely won the game. Well, it would have got two results, actually.

All right. So, let's call this guy. I don't know. What's a famous owl? What's the owl from Winnie the Pooh? Hooters. Okay, sure. That one works.

Hooters writes, You may remember me. I'm a lad from Scotland with a large conundrum. So, wait a minute. This is a follow-up. Oh, I read the follow-up up. All right, let me read the original. Got it. God, I almost blew it right there.

Hold on. Wait for it. Take your time. I'm looking up one of the... Oh, his name blew it right there. Hold on. Wait for it. Take your time. I'm looking up Winnie the Pooh. Oh, his name is just Owl. Huh? The Owl in Winnie the Pooh. Well, that's pretty unoriginal.

There's Winnie, Eeyore, Piglet. There's Winnie the Bear. Tigger, Roo, Christopher Robin, Rabbit. So Tiger's name was Tigger, and then Owl's name was Owl. The kangaroos' names were Kanga and Roo. Rabbit. So Tiger's name was Tigger, and then Owl's name was Owl. The kangaroos' names were Kanga and Roo. They really ran out of time. It was Piglet.

I mean, the only one with an original name is Eeyore. What about Winnie? Yeah. But his nickname was Pooh Bear. Oh, that's true. Christopher Robin's pretty original. Yeah, that one's good. Is Winnie the Pooh even good?

All right, we won't even have to discuss this now. Hello, fine fellows. I'm a 16-year-old going on 17 in high school, as you snazzy Americans like to call it. I have a teacher who has a massive obsession with cats. I, quite frankly, am sick of her shit. She'd rather write a book about cats than bother teaching us. She even wears a cat, dresses,

and blows catnip bubbles in class. Would you two studs approve of me teaching this quine a lesson by covering the classroom walls in pictures of dead cats? I believe this method may teach her not to be such a goon and leave the room. That's the question? Where does owl carcass come in? P.S. I've come back from a two-month holiday in New Zealand to find a dead owl carcass on my bedroom floor. I have not attempted to move it, as it has created a pungent stench

the aught my house, throughout my house. My friends and I think I should get a taxidermist to display in my living room. Is it morally right to stuff a dead animal? Follow up pop. About the owl, I took your advice. We never said anything. You delivered my

owl to the local taxidermist. The only problem is the owl wasn't dead. Yeah, the little bitch was in a coma the whole time. Coma. So this guy's either trolling us or just rapid-firing going through a lot of questions related to cats, owl carcass eye, and comas. Well, I mean, the owl carcass thing clearly seems like a weird bit that he did. That's definitely a lie.

Unrelated. But I think the first part of the question is kind of real, because he seems like the kind of dude who would plaster a classroom with dead cat photos. Yeah, you were a class clown, were you not? Yes, but I was more of like an advanced class clown. That's why I was so upset when Rick made the same joke as me. I would do it for the teachers. I try to make the teachers laugh. So you were, although is that what just every class clown thinks? Like, no, my teachers are loving me.

They don't dislike me. I mean, I think some kids are like, oh, I'm a little dickling to the teachers. And that's like fun for me. I see. And my friends. I really did try to elevate the comedy and do well. Can you remember a class clown moment of yourself? Not verbatim, but I remember a sophomore year of high school.

Oh, wait, I can remember two. I remember one where I like ran for president on a whim, but it was like just of a class. It wasn't like the school, but everybody gave a speech and I like improvised a speech and everybody laughed a lot. Okay. So you ran, you basically said, I don't have a fucking platform or whatever. I'm going to make up jokes for my speech. Yeah. That was like the first time I ever ever stood in front of anybody and did jokes. What grade was that? That was 10th grade. To be 11th grade president?

I think it was the beginning of that year. Got it. Did you win? No. Of course. I might. It wasn't the full... It was literally president of our history class. Okay. Really, really small stakes election.

It was, I might've won. I don't remember. Got it. The other one was, is Lamer. We were doing this like ropes course. Like, you know, those, did you ever have one of those in your high school? Like a ropes course instead of like your gym class was sort of like outdoor activity thing. Got it.

Yeah. So we had like a ropes course and a climbing wall and i showed up dressed as a spider-man and i did so how old were you there uh that was also sophomore year and that's premeditated you had to have known that you were gonna do the ropes course i yeah like i brought it in for that class so you were like we're doing ropes course tomorrow i, like I brought it in for that class. So you were like, we're doing ropes course tomorrow. I'm going to buy a Spider-Man outfit. I think I already had a Spider-Man outfit

because I had been Spider-Man for Halloween. But yeah, I remember being there and people from the yearbook taking photos of it. Oh, because they loved it. Yeah. Because you were like Spider-Man sort of struggling up a rope. It absolutely crushed.

And when you... But I don't... Like, looking back, I'm embarrassed that I did it. When you're getting dressed, is it in the locker room or are you showing up to school as Spider-Man? This is the part that I don't remember. Like, I can't remember... Taking your jeans off.

Putting the Spider-Man costume in a backpack. Yeah. Putting it on. Like, changing into it in the locker room. Like, yeah, walking through the halls at some point to get to gym as Spider-Man costume in a backpack. Yeah. Putting it on. Like, changing into it in the locker room. Like, yeah, walking through the halls at some point to get to gym as Spider-Man. Would you have gotten in trouble for that? No, I think, like, the teacher also loved it. Oh, it was, like, a fun thing.

Yeah. Jake was a Spider-Man that day. Yeah. Can you remember? You, like, made videos at school. Yeah. I was a very clowny class man. But I was also a good student.

So like you said, like the teachers didn't necessarily dislike me. Although one time, I remember in eighth grade, one of my friends wasn't paying attention. And then our English teacher asked him a question and he's like, oh, sorry, I'm not really sure. And then I remember chiming in and saying, think, boy, think. And people laughed.

And he kicked me out of the class because I, like, had created a funny situation. And then he kicked my friend out. And I was like, don't kick my friend out. Like, he didn't do anything. This wasn't like some sort of alley-oop to me. Like, he actually didn't know what he was talking about. I said, think, boy, think. You don't have to kick us both out.

I'll leave the class. Which is a weird punishment anyway, because that's the best thing to happen to a kid. It's like, you know what? You think you're so funny? Why don't you not go to school today? Mr. Wiseass. That's right. You're not going to know what themes we're in Mice and Men.

I already have the spark notes. What is that a joke on, think boy think? I don't even know. It's just a weird sentence that you said. Yeah, I was just trying to be like a salty dad sort of making fun of his son or something like that. Why would he kick the kid who didn't know the answer out? I don't know.

And then at the same time, I think about being an eighth grade English teacher and maybe it's so traumatic that like any time where all the kids are laughing, whether it's at you or not, you just sort of snap. Yeah. And what a cool way to gain control again by kicking someone out for not doing anything wrong, making an example. This keeps on coming back, but my teacher, my English teacher said that he was going to be out the next day. We were going to have a sub, and I, like, woohooed really loud. And then he was like, I'm going to a funeral for a friend. And I still don't even know if that was even true or if he was just trying to be an asshole. He was just trying to make you feel sad.

Yeah. Like, that's, in the moment, I felt so bad. And, like, reliving it in my head, I swear to God, he, like, had a doctor's appointment. Like, he just, like, saw this in to humiliate me. You should go back and ask him. It's too late now. Do you know who the teacher is? Yeah, but I don't know what his first name is.

I wish there was a poll at the end of the year to see who's every teacher's favorite student. I feel like I would have ranked in the top five for sure. Or maybe that's just how I remember high school, that I was a funny guy and everybody loved me and I was actually in the bottom five. Yeah. I like after college, like I think it was less than five years after I graduated high school. But like one of my favorite teachers who had walked me down the aisle at graduation. At my wedding. We had a small enough class that every student walked with a teacher.

There was only 50 kids that graduated. And then at the end you would kiss them, right? Yeah. Get your diploma. And they dip you, kiss you, and you toss your hat. Yeah. And you go back behind the stage. They roll up the diploma and you guys each stick your dicks

in like some sort of Chinese finger trap. You put your hats back on and you walk off the stage. Which is why it was even more insulting when he didn't remember me. Wait, how did that come up? Oh, you met him a few years later. A few years later, I like saw him in downtown New Haven and and I said hello, and he didn't remember who I was. You're like, it's me, Jay Kerwitz. I'm your favorite student. He walked me down the aisle, was it? Yeah, I got nothing.

Yeah. It's weird to think that most of our high school teachers were probably our age and younger. Totally. Yeah. I assume they're all 58, but they could have been a 29-year-old history teacher. That'd be a fun little game if you could just find out like, oh yeah, your third grade teacher was 24. Yeah. No way. I think I had a history teacher who was like 23. Man. I look at a 23-year-old and they are young. Oh my God, so young. That's insane. What did that guy have to teach me

about European history? Fuck that. You could go back and see your 6th grade teacher and he would look 10 years older than you. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, he was 22 and I was 12 and now he's just this 45-year-old guy. Yeah, looks great.

Mr. Basson, you're jacked. Good man. I guess Ion, you're jacked. Good man. I guess I could just do some Facebook research. All right, let's take a break. We didn't give this guy any advice, but obviously don't hang the photos. Oh, yeah, don't harass your teacher, I guess. We'll be back after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Hey, Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I got a game that done changed the game. And it's going to change your life. Did the Game Boy teach you about this game, or is this an unrelated game?

Oh! It's an unrelated game that I think Carnell introduced me to a few years ago. Oh. And I had never played it before. I don't know if he had played like growing up or something but we went on a trip and he brought Pass the Pigs yes we played it on your bachelor party

and yes and my bachelor party he also brought Pass the Pigs and the last night in Reykjavik we didn't even make it to the club because we sat in like an upstairs booth at a bar for, I mean, hours playing Pass. We played a game that night at 5 a.m. before we went to bed. Right. It's kind of like a cute kiddie version of craps, but so much more enjoyable for whatever

reason when it's like grown adult men playing it. So if people know Pass the Pigs, then you already know how great of a game it is. And for people who if people know Pass the Pigs, then you already know how great of a game it is. And for people who don't know Pass the Pigs, why don't we explain it? You basically toss two little rubber pigs as dice, and depending on how they land, you get a certain amount of points. So there's one pig with,

or both pigs have a dot on one side of their bellies. Yeah. And so there's a couple permutations. But like, if both of the pigs land on the side of where the dot is showing, or if they land on the side where it's blank, that's one point. And if the pig lands on one dot and one blank, that's called pigging out. You get zero points and your turn is over. 28 minutes of you explaining the rules.

There are some other things that can happen, like the pig being on its back, the pig being on its feet, the pig being, like, in combos that are worth five. Sometimes if you get, like, two pigs on its feet, that's the double trotter. Yeah, every way it lands has a fun name. So you can get a razorback or a double snouter or a double-leaning jowler, which is obviously very rare.

The leaning jowler is the goat. The double-leaning jowler is the actual goat, but the leaning jowler is where the pig is on its snout and ear. You guys don't get how fucking hard that is. What's it called when they're touching? Bacon bacon? Bacon bacon. Yeah, or the oinker.

It also could be hogtied. That's pretty good, too. That means your turn is over and you go back to zero points. That's right. It sounds silly, but we assure you it's fun. I posted it on my Instagram story to see if anyone out there plays. And not a lot of people do, but the people that do have very fond memories of playing as a child. And you're trying to get to 100.

Try playing it as a drunken adult. It's a good bar game. It's a great bar game. And I'll give you, this is my unsolicited advice bonus, which is the two things that count as one, the dots and the no dots, just make them count as zero and it's a re-roll. Because then you don't have to do as much math.

Because everything else is like 5, 10, 15. That's an easy one. But if you want to get rid of the ones, then you don't have to do as much math because everything else is like 5, 10, 15. That's an easy one. But if you want to get rid of the ones, then you don't have to do math as hard. Just give it a re-roll. And when you guys are playing and you're ready for a new wrinkle or two, we invented some rules

that will really fucking blow your mind. Should we tell them or no? It won't make sense unless you're playing. It won't make sense to anybody that doesn't play it, but then also maybe someone's going to play and come back and listen to this. That's true. Okay, so... So if you've started playing and you love it and you've

come back and listened... Yeah. Amir, tell them about Hogwash. So if you pig out, which is the most likely outcome, according to Wikipedia, a pig out happens 35% of the rolls, which is the equivalent of, like, rolling a 7 in craps, you lose your turn. However,

if you want, you can roll again after a pig out if you yell hogwash Hogwash, copyright Dave Rosenberg who came up with that. That's right. Hogwash, re-roll, if then you also get a pig out, another pig out, you're out.

You lose the game. But, if you get a point, you get to bank those points and you get to continue your turn. Yeah. And wait, do you get only one hogwash a game? No. I said you can get as many hogwash as possible because you're risking your life, your game life on it.

There were some back and forths on the rules. But the unsolicited advice remains. Pass the pigs. If we were smart, we'd put it on our Amazon account. Yeah, we really should have a... Pass the pigs and a gum brush. What the fuck is that thing called? Water pick.

Oh, yeah, water pick. We should just start a store. Buy them and resell them. We should put this in the HeadGum merch store. We'll autograph the pigs ourselves. You can get a Jake and Amir pillow and pass the pigs. It's a cheap game because it's a simple game and it's an easy game and it's portable. You can bring it anywhere.

And I bought mine on Amazon as soon as I got back to America for eight bucks. And I bought mine in Amsterdam and it's called Biggin. That's right. And you don't, it's not like Catan or something where there's a lot of rules. It's really, really easy to get into. So check it out. Pass the pigs.

All right. Back to the questions and answers. I got a good one for you. Let's hear it. The word is mustard. Oh. One, two, three, four. not bad at all pretty pretty close not bad it's the leader in the clubhouse but not the winner on the day uh on the day here we go yeah shit got weird uh let's call this guy

colonel mustard nice to pre, I'm a student in uni With a part-time job, so here's where the story begins I was at the bar with guys After work last night, we met up with my Friend's neighbor, let's call her Jess Her friends, and some Nurses who we had previously met Sounds fun so far

Just friends and nurses It's good After last call, we all went back to the nurse's place and got really fucked up there. I spent half the night slow dancing and being a big old fucking tease to Jess. At the end of the night, my friend was trying to get me to go home with her, but I said no. Because I had a lab at 8.30 the next morning. So my bud fucking drove me home at 4 in the morning. I was supposed to get up at 6 for the lab, but I ended up sleeping until 10.30.

The problem is, if you miss a lab, you fail the class, so I needed a doctor's note. I filled up a glass with water and mustard and downed that shit, causing me to vomit out the beans I ate, whose sole purpose was to look disgusting on my way back

up. I then headed to the doctor's and gave him a note by lying through my teeth. I guess the whole forcing myself to vomit wasn't really necessary. Of course not. Side note, I ended up throwing up for real in the middle of class in a bus station garbage.

So now I have smiley face messages on my phone from Jess. I see Jess often enough at parties, but I don't really have an interest in her. Should I avoid her? Should I be friendly? Or should I just hit that twat, making everything even more awkward? Thanks, guys. So this is a whole little story, and then it ends up in a weird question.

How impossibly dumb are you? That's insane. To get a doctor's note. You don't have to do anything except ask the doctor for a note. Force yourself to puke. Yeah. And then he's like, you got to believe me that I puked. She's like, yeah, I would have believed you either way.

This isn't like staying home from school where you need to show your mom how sick you are. And then the fact that he puked up anyway later is really funny. Yeah, like you didn't even lie. You made yourself really sick. So why doesn't he want to hang out with Jess? I don't get that part. That I don't get either. But like if you don't like her, then stop being a big old tease to her.

Yeah, you know what you should do? You should go up to her and say, you know what? I drank mustard the other day just to get a doctor's note. You still want to hang out with me now? No. Or am I a stupid person to you? It's also, yeah, I guess like he's not interested in her, so it's good that he didn't go home with her. But like at 4 a.m. when you're trashed, like making a decision because you have a lab the next day, like you've already not given enough of a shit about the lab.

You might as well also get laid. Yeah. That's another thing. Like in college, how many times professors do you just like show up in an 8 a.m. class and see a student that's so hungover or tired or shouldn't be there? Yeah. 8 a.m. classes. Do you have any like super early classes like that?

Yeah, I think I had an 8 a.m. like my freshman year. I had a couple. That's such a bad idea. That's earlier than high school. I mean, I failed those classes so quickly. Because you didn't year, I had a couple. That's such a bad idea. That's earlier than high school. I mean, I failed those classes so quickly. Because you didn't go. I didn't go. And you can miss a couple, right?

But then it's like, oh, if you miss one more, you get an automatic fail. Yeah. And I was just like, okay, I'll try not to. And then I missed one. I was like, actually, this is a blessing in disguise. I failed, so I never have to go again. That was your thinking. And I guess I was as dumb as this kid, so respect, actually.

Now that I think about it, you'll get better. All right. Do you have a word to search? Muffins. Huh? Muffins. You got to use the Fs, because I think Muffin is in there. Yeah, Muffins is 20.

Fuck, that's so many. Trying to find one. Actually, it's searching muffin as well. Oh. Huh. How do you like that? Here's one. Is there only one?

Muffins? There's one unread one. So this one is blind. I win. Hey, guys. Love the podcast. Question about modeling. This one is more directed to Jake because wow, can

he model? I stumbled across this gem and good gosh, it is a gem. Seriously, I'd pay double the price of this shirt if it came with a side of this stud muffin for 10 extra shirts. Anyway, Jake, how do you feel about the modeling industry? My girlfriend

is considering getting into it. She's done a couple small shoots before, and she's asked to do it full time, but I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and I don't think it's a super friendly work environment for her. What are your thoughts on it? And then it's a picture of you modeling this Amy Poehler, Tina Fey shirt from Busted Tees.

Oh, wow. 2016? That must have been in like 2013. I guess that's possible. Yeah, this is like five years ago or so. There was also a time at Busted Tees where they just had us model in blank shirts. Oh, and then

they just slapped something on? Yeah, that could be. Any whom. As a model yourself, how do you feel about the modeling industry? You also modeled some Busted Tees, and I wouldn't say Busted Tees is quite the modeling industry. You're saying they just got college humor writers to pose in T-shirts?

It was mostly just me and Jeff. I don't know. I don't think... I guess it's weird that he the girlfriend is like asking him for his permission and he's debating is he is she even asking

or is he like saying I don't know what I my girlfriend is asking to do it full time and I'm conflicted as the final say here yeah do you have any thoughts

about the modeling industry my mother was a model and is it as weird as it sounds I think in the modeling industry? My mother was a model. And? Is it as weird as it sounds? I think she was a model in the 70s, so maybe a little bit then. I wonder. I don't think it was a healthy spot. I know about acting and stuff, and that also makes you kind of feel like a flesh prop from time to time as they tell you where to stand, how to look, and what to say.

But I wonder what modeling entails beyond just being attractive. Like, what makes someone a good model? Being, like, photogenic. Yeah, but then is there anything beyond that, like, physical? What's the talent behind modeling beyond just being photogenic?

Well, I think when you're a model, you also have, like, generals and casting calls. So it's, like, just like acting. If you have 10 people who can say all the words right in the tone that you like. Say you have 10 people who like can wear something the right way. But only one person like really made a positive impression on you when they walked in. Is it like off screen, off camera? Like who's the most

personable right who's got chemistry who's got a relationship with a brand who is able to like get a build a relationship with the casting director what about the ability to when the photographer's like give me this or emote this like is there some acting to modeling where they're like look fierce look happy look upset look scared yeah like being able to do that or is it like this is what my face looks at rest and that's what you get i think i mean you see modeling uh has a a wide range it's like there are some photos where people look super happy when they're like in a bubble gum ad or something or like an old navy ad right and then there's like uh people in uh in um a stock photo or not well stock photo could be happy i guess that yeah stock photo

or but then you could see people in like one of those swiss watch ad a tag you're at yeah they just look sort of on a boat yeah they just sort of look constipated and concerned. Yeah, so I think there's a little bit of it. So I guess just like acting, there's good actors and bad actors. But like with a model, I feel like you can bypass some of it by just being really hot. Yeah, I think, I mean, there's just like with acting, you can bypass some of it. Like you could be on a soap opera if you're like, if you've got a super square jaw. Yeah. But as bad modeling is noticeable as bad acting?

Probably. There's some really awkward modeling shots. And I think that's not entirely on the model. That's like also on the photographer. Just like bad acting is like partly on the writer and the director. But it takes a whole lot of people to ruin someone's reputation, but at the end of the day, it's you in the photo. It's you on the screen. Yeah. I mean, this photo of you is just awkward. You look so nervous and stupid in it.

I was ill that day. That's right. I'm not even going to defend myself. I was going to a friend's funeral, actually. Woo! All right. Now I woo too late. One last question. Let me search

USB drive. Interesting. Very interesting. Oh, God. It's just a bunch of spam. Of course. What's a thing that's not for sale? Forgone.

Nothing. Forlorn. Forgone. Nothing. Forlorn. Forlorn. Forlorn Michaels. There's two. Wow. Forlorns. That was an alley-oop, brother.

One has been read. One has never been read. Okay. It's never been read. Yeah. Wow. And it actually, it's from July 7th of last year, nearly the one-year anniversary of this question. I love when we find these kind of like magical-seeming questions.

Yeah. This guy, we'll call him Lorne Michaels. So, I listened to this dope podcast by these two guys, and for the sake of anonymity, let's call them The Pinch and Schmool. I live in London, and after they announced some shows here, my buddies were eager to go. However, upon finding out the price was £22 for just a one-hour show, I refused to pay so much and say that I wasn't going. I make some serious banks so the money wouldn't be an issue. And also, my friends don't live in London, so they would have to find somewhere else to stay if I didn't go.

My dilemma is this. Should I just buckle to peer pressure and go to the show, thus improving my popularity immensely, or stand by my decision, stay at home silent and forlorn in protest at the price of it, possibly missing out on an evening of a lifetime? Thanks, and love the show. So he was kind of insulting us.

I wonder what he ended up doing. I hope you stayed home. Huh? He had the money. Money is no issue. He wonder what he ended up doing. I hope you stayed home. Huh? He had the money. Money is no issue. He just is offended by the price. Yeah, on principle. And I get that.

Like, I'm pissed as hell, too. We don't set the price of the tickets. That's another, that's a truthism. They have to price them high to pay for our flights and lodging to London. Yeah. But at the same time, we've never heard of people complaining that the prices were too high. Everyone seems to enjoy the show at the price point offered.

So hopefully you went and it was an evening of your lifetime. And hopefully if you didn't go, your friends still went and they hate you and they told you how good it was, how great of a show it was. What's the most you've paid for entertainment? Ooh. Concert or sporting event. Movie. Vacation.

Play. Vacation. The theater. I guess theater tickets cost like a couple hundred bucks. Yeah, but do you remember paying for those? I mean, I know I did at some point. What about the prostitute lady from Amsterdam? Oh, I didn't know that counted. Yeah, because that's kind of entertainment.

Yeah, but that was also euros, so I don't really know what the conversion is. It was like 12, so it probably was less than a movie at the Arclight. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, so what's more expensive than that? Maybe, like, I probably went to, like, a Dave Matthews concert. Those were pretty expensive back in the day. That's awesome. I love DMV.

Well, how did you buy tickets before StubHub? I think I always bought them on the internet. I think there are, yeah, I always got them on the internet ticket master or something. There might've been a, maybe there was a fucking number that you called though.

Yeah. Don't you remember like having to go to like tower records to get like concert tickets? I remember seeing that in TV and stuff, but I think you have to go to some place to buy like the box office to buy tickets yeah you had to like wait in line somewhere to get tickets for something you never did that no i think i always i think i called and then there was the internet that's awesome what's the most you ever spent 521,600 minutes. That's right. I paid $8 to see Rent. 528,600 minutes.

That's not the amount of time. I went to a Laker game for $400 once. That's a lot. How much? $400. Yeah, that is a lot. It was in Boston. I remember that.

That was a good game. You were young. That must have been a lot. That wasn't just a lot of money. That was probably a large percentage of what you had in the world. Right. Yeah. Because when you're talking about just percentage of your net worth. We also paid

close to 50 grand for Hamilton tickets. Remember when we got beat up? That's right. And we ended up not having to be able to go. There was that time that we were in Australia. We were going to Byron Beach or Byron Bay. Yeah. And then we found out it was going to be really rainy so we took a flight to new zealand instead yeah that was pretty expensive i guess that was just a vacation

but it was like just a last minute uh inter inter not intercontinental uh intercountry international yeah flight we were mugged also once. Remember? That's not really for entertainment. Yeah. Well, I guess that was for the... A bunch of youth stuck us up. It was for those gangbangers. Their entertainment. It was their entertainment, yeah.

They had a lot of fun times. There were the Jets. They were cracking up. They snapped at me. All right, that's it. That's the end of the game. Thanks for playing, Game Boy. Oh, good to be here.

If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, please send them all down to ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com Calm? Calm.com My Nissan Cube was towed! What? It was towed! I'm sorry to hear that, Game Boy. Do you need the number to a tow truck company, or...

No need! The insurance ran out! I can't get it back! Oh! Sorry to hear that, too. Do you want something to eat? No! Alright. I have a tapeworm. I can't keep food down. Oh!

Jesus Christ, this is depressing, Game Boy. Opening theme song was written by Nick Carter. This closing one is actually a Blink-182 cover by Colton. Hell yeah! What song? Stick around for that. I'm actually not sure, but you'll know. And we'll be back next week. Thanks so much for listening. Ta-da! Bye-bye!

Later! If I were you I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. Save your questions here, it's Jake and I'll scare you. Send your questions here.

It's Jake and me. They make your problems disappear. If you've got a problem, they'll solve it. Check out this hook while the two Jews resolve it. That was a Hate Gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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