Segments - 339: Bald Spot (w/Murph and Emily!)

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Friends and fellow HeadGum Podcasters join us to discuss British Accents, Amir's D&D Character, and an intense game of Mafia.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And then he calls a police or a newsletting source. And then he's like, what is that? And then he's like, that's the person I'm talking to. Yeah. And then he's like, never mind. Exactly. Help me, Jakey.

A man who won't got me so bad. Help me, save me if I'm real. Tell me what the fuck to do Tell me, tell me, tell me Have you been fired? Are you sure if I'm real? Tell me what the fuck to do Tell me, tell me, tell me

To the solo Fuck you, John. One time I saw John shove a bystander, an innocent bystander. Whoa, okay. Weezer parody. Masha. All right.

By Jackson. Murph and Emily, what are your thoughts? I really liked all the chatting up top and I wish that it had continued yeah no music

all just remix of us talking over each other that'd be funny a sweater song parody where it's just the chatter at the party for four minutes

and then it's just getting a ride it is crazy that that song is good right? that the sweater song is good it's just chatting well that's how it starts

that's how it starts the verses are chatting. All the verses are that. Or like leading into it. Oh, man, baby, god dang. You mean that part? No, but then after the verse chorus, they chat again.

Oh, yeah. The chatting is sort of like the background music. The chatting is the verse. The chatting is the meat. My point is that there should be more chatting in the song. I hate the chorus.

I hate the part about the sweater. It's getting in the way. I was in this conversation. You took me out of it. I want to get back. They're getting a ride to the party, but what's the root? Where Weezer went wrong was no all-chat sweater song.

That was written by some guy named Jackson, whose name on Instagram is Jax1, and then an underscore at the end, which is very rare. You rarely see the ending underscore of a username. Yeah, unless it's like someone who's creating a new username to harass you. Yeah. Then you really got to experiment with where you put underscores

to like once they keep getting banned and they make new ones if you're just trying to harass like just trying to troll somebody you're not like this username is taken you're not like going backspace backspace i'll come up with a new one you're just like all right fine you're not like what are my interests what was okay so i harassed them using my birth year, 85. Maybe I'll do 87. That's when my sister was born. Yeah. I'm pretty anti-underscore in general.

I never want to say underscore as part of somebody's username. That's hard to say it. I hate it when you upload a file and there's spaces in it, and then it just gives you a bunch of fucking underscores, and you're like, that's not what I called this file. But that's what you're calling this file. It seems like underscore was invented for computers. Like, what was an underscore used for?

I mean, it's kind of a way to, like, spice up your username or, like, change it without changing it too much. You know what I mean? It's the underlined blank. Yeah. But I guess for whatever reason, you can't have a blank. Do you guys think that there are any children who have been born that have an underscore

in their birth name? Whoa. Wow. That's cool because then you give your kid the honor of having their true Gmail name. Why?

Well, because nobody's going to have like Mike, but M underscore I underscore K underscore E. I mean, why not just give him a weird name? Well, because you want to call him Mike. With four underscores. You can't even take an SAT because there's no bubble for it.

Yeah, birth certificates are like a government thing. You need to have letters in your name. What about at? At is a good question because it's like at Emily. Could that be your name at this point? Your Twitter to have letters in your name, right? What about at? At is a good question because it's like at Emily. Could that be your name at this point? Your Twitter handle

can't be your name. Or it'd be awesome if your name was like, oh, I gotta think of it. If it was like Risa, but it was an R, but then an exclamation point, and then a dollar sign,

and then an at sign. Yeah, like catch up with a dollar sign. Right. Or Risa. Yeah, like catch up with a dollar sign. Right. Or Reese. Can you do that? So you were thinking of a word that had an S in it, and the name was Reese. Can your legal name have a number and a character in it?

No. Why not? Because you already can. All right, what about your Gmail password? I've done it before. Can your Gmail password have it? No one's done it, but that's true. Your Gmail password has to.

But your name can't? How is that fair? Can we all reveal our Gmail passwords on today's show? Is that crazy? 696969333. At risa.com. At risa.com. Murph and Emily, you guys haven't been on the show since you made your D&D podcast with Jake.

We think. We think we were hyping it, perhaps. Yeah, I remember Murph trying to convince Jake to get into D&D on our show. And I thought you guys came on to talk about the show. I think we came on to get hyped about it. Before it launched. Because we were all pumped,

and I remember looking at a mirror and feeling bad for him. Which is normal. That could have been any episode, though. Yeah, that was actually five years ago you guys are basically and we were recording a podcast

Murph Murph is like a nerd zombie and he infected you and now you love D&D ever since Murph came around

no no no Murph is a bad influence it was in Jake all along I think is the problem oh and Murph just released it yeah

yeah Murph like released it. Yeah. Murph like planted the seed that grew and overtook me. And now you're so into it. You love it the most. I am super into it. I love D&D. Yeah. Wholeheartedly.

You guys play for hours. I think what allows you to get nerdy about it is that you can play a character who is super cool and buff and great. So it's nerdy, but it's a, like, an appreciation of coolness. He's a bully, basically, Hardwood is, right? He's like a football jock. I feel so immune to, like, people teasing me about D&D because, like,, Hard One Surefoot is six foot six, rippling muscles,

amazing hair, awesome beard. He carries three axes and a pickaxe and he like chops people's heads off. So he's the man. Keep making fun of me and he'll actually

come after you. Make fun of me all you want. Hard One's awesome. Isn't that what like nerds were doing in the 80s where it was like,

let's fucking get home and play and like become these awesome people that we're not in real life. Yeah, for sure. It's literal fantasy. I think the cool thing about D&D is that people's characters end up being distillations into what they think is cool. It's their id. We're not playing around and everybody is 6'6 and ripped.

Yeah. I'm 34 triple D. Just whatever you want to be caldwell is what caldwell's like a boy scout all those characters basically a boy scout yeah but it's also caldwell is very into like anime and stuff and his character is very much so like i will do best by my family like that kind of thing so. So it's not necessarily who you want to be, but it might be what you think is funny

or like what, you know, some sense of yourself is in there. Murph is like a 200-year-old elf that sounds like Hulk Hogan or Randy Savage. I can't even,

like, because whenever we do live shows, people are always like telling me to be on the D&D podcast for a couple episodes. I'm like, what's my version of the – what's my fantasy version of myself? What do I have? What do I need?

Sometimes you just take something that you want more of in your life. For example, I would love to have huge tits and I love mushrooms. So I play – Guys, knock it off. Emily's telling me something serious. A really fertile elf who can become a mushroom and shit like that. Got it.

So you think of something that you're like, oh, some of it is aspirational, but then some of it is also just something that you really like and want to get into. Yeah. Do you have any superheroes you like or anything like let's fucking scratch mine are like mine are like uh my superheroes are like professional basketball players but that wouldn't exist in like bahumia would it well you could be like a

real athletic type but isn't that like a hard one you could be different you could be different you'd have to be different. Actually, could I just be Hardwon's ugly twin? Hardwon has no family. Yeah. No, hey, you forgot about me. I'm Roger Surefoot. Wow, you actually had a really good childhood.

Yeah, no, we were fine. No, I'm the bastard of the mountain. You were lying about everything. Who, Hardwon? No, it's all steroids. He was five foot two. Jesus, man. Yeah, I mean, LeBron James is kind of your, no, Kobe is your hero.

Yeah, Kobe Bryant. But what is he like a? He could be like a sharpshooter. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you ever see that? There was a cartoon like back in the like 80s or 90s. Well, there were a million of them where they were like video games come to life.

But there was one where like there was one where there was a basketball player who had like a magic basketball. But there was also that sports all-star show with like Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan and stuff. And Bo Jackson, yeah. Yeah, and Michael Jordan, I believe, had a magic basketball. You could do something. Couldn't he invent a sport that they play up in the north of Bohemia? Absolutely. And you are the star of this sport.

Yeah, because you could use your magic basketball like a ranged weapon. So basically, Murph would take a bow and arrow, but then turn it into a basketball, and you could basically bonk a basketball. But is there is there a basketball in Bohemia

or is it like not basketball proper but it would be a sport like like we could figure out essentially a way to make like quidditch

but less nerdy because you'd want it to be more like basketball so you'd want it to be a little bit more there's what there's shovel ball

it feels like Bohemia would have oh right oh it feels like there would be some sort of like... Like a rugby type game. Like a rugby type thing, yeah. Or can I go the complete opposite and be like the Albert Einstein?

That's what I was thinking for you. I was thinking if you were some kind of like wizard. Yeah, like a Jewish wizard. Yeah. Adam Conover was on the show, and his character was essentially Orc Frazier. He was just a very smart orc. Oh, that's pretty good. He was a very smart orc who went back to his apartment, and he had jazz playing.

Or can I be a dumbass? Can I be Homer Simpson? Yeah, you can literally have five intelligence and be much stupider than a normal person. You were just a a really really lucky person who was a huge fucking idiot but like was so lucky. That is very Homer yeah. You're not even talking about my character anymore you're just talking about me. I like that we're

we are scratching the itch though. Yeah there's something there. Homer, basketball Einstein I think like following sort of the Adam Conover route of doing like an Orc Frasier I think like finding kind of the Adam Conover route of doing like an Orc Frasier. I think like finding a kind of a character trope or a character that you like and then like making a fantasy version of that. I almost have to do the voice first because I'm very limited in the voices I can do.

So like I don't want to choose. That voice is kind of an afterthought though. So are you guys putting on, is it like completely different voice or is it just like. Emily's voice feels like you almost have like a southern accent. I like slip in and out of it. But no, like when we're recording, I'll like really,

like I'll just start talking like that a little more. Are you from the south at all? No, I'm from upstate New York. You do have like a little country in your accent. Everyone thinks I'm from the Midwest though.

I think there must be something about upstate New York that sounds like Midwest. Right. So like Moonshine's voice has like a twang. Yeah. And Hardwon's voice is just my voice except deeper. And

Beverly is Caldwell's voice except higher, basically. Yeah. It's just like slight changes. And I just do like tough guy voice or like nerdy. Not tough guy voice. Nice guy. Yeah. Tough guy and nice guy. Alright, well we'll keep thinking about it. And Murph's lady voices are like, whisper.

Yeah, just talk, I don't know, like this. Yeah. Just like all women do. Murph, but whispering. But what is this? This is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. It's an advice show.

Me and Jake host it. Murph and Emily are on it. And we're just having fun. We're just hanging out and having fun. You guys want to try to answer some questions since we're already here? Yes! Do you have a good one that you found, Jake, that you definitely want me to answer? You sent these to me

earlier today. Give me the second one that I sent you. She's Always Right, right? I don't remember that one. Should I tell my friend he's bald? Oh yeah, let's go there. Alright. This is a there. All right. This is a British lady's name.

So, Emily, do you have a British lady's name? Oh, Skahooven. Wow. Speaking of coming up with names, that's another fun part of D&D. You could play Skahooven or Risa. Skahooven. Did you guys have it planned already or you came up with it via improv and then it just has to stick for years? The names?

Yeah. The names came up with it. I put a ton of thought into mine. I wanted to do Surefoot because I wanted a guy that had really good feet that didn't hurt because my feet are glass. But when I first came up with Surefoot, I wanted him to be a a life, small, like really fast, like a triathlete or something. Yeah, like a quick guy. And then I think when I came up with the name Hardware, I was like, no, he's going to be huge.

Yeah, mine are always like, I like to still like to, I feel like you name it and you like kind of come up with like the character more from the name. Like I knew I wanted to be into mushrooms and I knew I wanted to be like a southern girl. So it became Moonshine Sivan. But also because like I wanted to name her Sweetie something and Murph was like, no, that's like, that's a joke name. And I was like, I think Sweetie's a good name.

Too silly. Sweetie is good, but Moonshine is definitely a joke name. And I was like, I think Sweetie's a good name. Too silly. Sweetie is good, but Moonshine is definitely a good name. Moonshine is so good. Okay, so Scoovin'. Do you do a good British accent by any chance? I didn't have a clue. I do an awful one.

All right. I was just hoping. I can give it a shot, though. You want to give it a shot? British lady writing this email to read this in a British accent? Yeah, I'll give it a shot. All right.

Might be a big failure. What do British people sound like? It's always a good thing to tell yourself right before doing it. As you take the laptop. Hugh Grant. Okay. It starts with a howdy.

How the heck do you say howdy? Howdy. Nice. Read on me this, my homies. I'm but a simple UK lass who enjoys saying things like howdy. Is that cultural appropriation?

I guess that's a question for another day. Not recently, I went up on a hike with our friendly Welsh neighbor, Snowden. It's a goddamn mountain. We're hardcore. Now, on the way up, my partner in crime would find himself gasping for breath, spraying out sweet and generally...

Spraying out sweat. Sorry. Classic. Spraying out sweet and generally at... spraying out sweat. Sorry. Classic. Spraying out sweat and generally making a sickening mess of himself. At one point, he had to get down on the floor and rest. What a wimp! However, this was when I noticed he seems

to be balding slightly at the crown of his head. We're both 27, but we are also both people who are quite terrified of aging and still huge kids at heart. I know that when people have commented before on him looking older, he's found this quite

upsetting. If you were this jabroni, would you rather be told about this bald spot now so you can catch things early on with creams and shit that keep your hair on. He might be shocked and a little upset initially, but might be happier in the long run if he can treat it now.

Or would you rather not know and only find out when it's really noticeable, at which point you're further down the line of looking like Larry David and need to do something and need to do more to look like a wispy Johnny Bravo. Should I maybe comment to his girlfriend and ask her to bring it up? Or should I perhaps just kill him before he has a chance to get bald? As a side note, I know you divas are always thinking that there's something sexual in everything, you damn sexy pervert. But I'm engaged to my fiancé. That's how engagements stand to work, admittedly. And me and her are happy as balls.

Much love, Ass Breath McFuckface. P.S. You guys used one of my songs in the past, which was a Circle of Life parody. Thank you for that. It made my week. My artist name is Danny Steele, and you gave me a shout out, and I

admittedly got a little star stuck. Also, in case you re-listen to this song, my voice is deep in it because I'm a damn proud trans motherfucker. I just didn't know it at the time.

Whoa. A lot of twists and turns in the PS. I did not read that far down, actually. It's like, I was on a hike with a guy. By the way, he is a girlfriend. By the way, I'm engaged. By the way, I'm trans and didn't know it at the time. Anyway, should I tell him he's balding? Yeah. Wow. I think that, well, my first reaction is like, he's so scared of aging. Like, you don't need to be scared of aging, right?

Yes, that's true. Well, you don't need to be scared of anything. You just are scared of growth. Well, you kind of like need to be scared of anything. You just are scared of growth. Well, you kind of need to be scared of something. Taxes. There's survival in being afraid of stuff. Yeah, but aging, you're saying, is not necessary. I guess the visual aging, don't be scared of that.

Be scared of your organs shutting down. Be scared of the slow degradation of the processes that keep you alive. At first, I was definitely like, no, don't say anything. It's crazy to want to say anything. But you can. I do have friends who have used creams and shit. And it helps. And it does help.

Isn't it pills? Wait, does it grow back or does it just stop? What is the. I have a friend who uses it and he used one that started with a P. It was like pretty... And it's a cream? It's like a cream stuff.

Yes, it was Propecia. But that's a pill, right? He used Propecia. Propecia is a pill. But he didn't like the side effects of it. Which is what? So now it made him pee a lot in the middle of the night.

Okay. Pee on his head. Yeah. Which made it grow. That's in the middle of the night. Okay. Pee on his head. Yeah. Which made it grow. That's amazing. Watering the garden. Yeah. But then, now he just does creams.

And the creams help? Yeah. I think there's like different stuff affects people's hair differently. Like there's some people that are like, I did Propecia and my hair like grew back. And then some people- Grew back. It did, yeah. There did Propecia and my hair grew back. Grew back? It did, yeah. There's rare cases where it actually grows back. You go to Reddit, r slash Tressless.

It's a real treasure trove of people fighting baldness. Wow. I think if you have just a little bald spot too, which it sounds like is what this guy has, that it could be, you could defeat it. I think there's a bigger question, though. You could beat it. I think there's a bigger question. Would this guy look good bald? Because that is the best way to beat.

There is a power in the shaved head. Yeah. Just to embrace it. There's some people. There's a lot of people who do it. I mean, it's like not everyone's going to look great with it, so there are people who should fight it, but some people just fucking to it. I mean, it's like not everyone's going to look great with it so there are people who should fight it but like some people

just fucking do it. Here's my thought on this is I feel like this guy knows. Yeah. Although if it's the bald spot one versus like the receding one, you don't see it as much. Yeah, I don't think I would know.

I mean, I guess maybe you could feel it. If he has a girlfriend then he knows. Yeah, tell the girlfriend. I think that's the thing. Bring it up with the girlfriend. That was their suggestion. Yeah, and I was saying i i would say don't bring up to him directly because then like he knows that his friends are noticing and that that probably

would make it feel worse especially after like hacking his way up a mountain like almost done hey by the way you're bald. Really? It's very funny that what was the name that you gave this person? Skahooven. Skahooven. Skahooven's like four paragraph long, ball-busting email. Actually,

their own solution was pretty good, which was to tell the girlfriend. Yeah, tell the girlfriend. Which I think is probably a way to go about it. That's almost meaner. It's like, by the way, I told your girlfriend that you're balding. Well, you tell him. I still think with,

even though it's on the crown of his head, I still think he knows. I think he might know. There's no way that you don't know. Yeah. I would err on the side of not telling anybody. Yeah, because you can't get in trouble for not saying it. You can't get in trouble for not saying it. You can't get in trouble. No one will be like, why didn't you tell me?

In five years, he's bald. Like, you should have told me when you saw it starting. Yeah, I think he knows. But couldn't you, you've never, like, did not, like, I've gained, you know, 25 pounds at a time just, like, thinking fat macking myself like for always sunny style like getting fat thinking i was getting buff and you can be in such deep such deep denial that you don't realize it's happening i think weight gain is something you can look in the mirror and be like i think i look the same whereas a bald spot you but you could just be like huh maybe that's how it feels on the back of my head.

I don't know. I mean, I thought that she was just gonna tell him and be like, ha ha, you're bald. But if she's going to suggest creams and shit... Yeah, yeah. The creams work. They are noble intentions. I want to tell him so he can arrest the male pattern.

The level of ball busting made me be like, you should not say anything to this guy. You're just going to razz him. But when she was saying that she wanted to talk to the girlfriend, I think I guess it depends how you do it. Option C. She just leaves

some creams and shit in the bathroom. He won't know where it came from, but it will cause some creams and shit in the bathroom. No one will, he won't know where it came from, but it will cause him to have some introspection. Oh, am I going bald?

Wait, so sneaky. Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch. I am going bald. Or just like in the bathroom hang another mirror. Pretend to take, like have some reason that you need to take a picture

from overhead so he can notice it himself. That's cool. And if he's like, oh, don't take the picture, or, like, really moves his head, then you'll know that he knows. Yeah, be like, let's get, I think it would be funny to get a picture where it's, like, from behind us looking at this. Like, a back selfie. Bird's eye view. Bird's eye view.

Crown's eye down. Here's what you do. Bald spot up. I know what you do. An OTS over-the- what you do Bald spot up I know what you do An OTS over the shoulder shot of us I know how you do it You set up an insane charcuterie Uh huh

And then give it to him Meat platter And then you're like Oh my god this looks so good I need to get a picture And over the head Of the wood board And over the head

Of the charcuterie And I'm gonna put you in it I want all of your solutions to start with You set up an insane charcuterie, and I'm going to put you in it. I want all of your solutions to start with. You set up an insane charcuterie. You always answer by saying we should get ham. It could be any food. Honestly, we should probably follow up with, because she's going to write back and say,

okay, but now I need advice on the insane charcuterie. You need little pickles. Tiny pickles and olives. Prosciutto. Cheese with a little grater that slices it. Yeah. Charcuterie board. Oh, a honeycomb is kind of necessary.

Oh, that's cool. That's really cool. That's tasteful. A little bowl of nuts. Live wood. It really should be live wood. And we haven't even got into the meat. What?

Iberian ham. Prosciutto. Prosciutto. A little tofu. I don't know where he stands. Yeah.udo. Proscato. A little tofu. I don't know where he stands. Yeah, the kind where it's like a creamy brown. You don't know if it's liver or what. Oh, a pate.

Yeah, a pate. A pate with a little knife. The little green circles in it. You gotta have an assortment of little knives. Find out his favorite meats so he's leaning in deep to eat them. So that when you catch that charcuterie board... You put the cream on the cracker. A little cream on the cracker.

And maybe like a little bowl of olive oil so he has to lean in. Anything tiny will help. Yeah, a little ramekin. A ramekin with propitia in it. It's like just one or two of them. Oh, that's good. So you take the picture and then before you show it to him, he takes a tiny knife, dips it in the ramekin of Propecia, eats it, says, ew, what is this?

And then you say, okay, I think you're ready to see this photo. And it's the bald spot. And it's the bald spot. But don't worry because you're working against it right now. And when you show the picture, don't comment on the bald spot. You comment on the meats. Yeah. Or the cheeses.

You say, wow, you really got in on those meats. Look at you hovering over this board. Look at the rind on the pepperoni here. Oh, yeah. You could be like, oh, all those meats. Oh, hope there's not hormones in it it because hormones can lead to higher testosterone, which higher testosterone is linked to male pattern baldness. Is that true?

I think so. I would have thought the exact opposite. Hence Statham. Hence Diesel. Enter Diesel. Oh, wait, one more option. One more option. You just sit down for a triple X, Fast and and the furious uh with the

rock in it um uh crank is that the jason statham thing sit down for a marathon of those and then at the end you're just kind of like what do you think about men who are bald i know i think they're hot and I'm trans you're like you're like empowering them like before then yeah

I think that's like last that's like the last option because like that's after that's after all the Cranston shit didn't work if nothing worked and like his baldness

is like really starting to speed up, that's when you make him okay with being bald. Side note, I would love for everyone to send me pictures of their charcuterie. Hashtag Emily's charcuterie. And their hairlines. Preferably with

people's bald spots in them. That's a plus. Just a bald man eating a charcuterie is just kind of like my... What do you call it? My brand? Yeah, that's a plus just a bald man eating a charcuterie is just kind of like my what do you call my brand yeah yeah that's my dnd character uh all right let's take a break let's thank the say thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and answers with murph and emily yeah thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

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Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

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See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Hey, Murph and or Emily, do you guys have any? Oh, it's a lesson.

Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Apologies for that, but... The question is, do you have any advice that people didn't necessarily ask for but you think would help a lot of people out? I think it would help people... There's probably a lot of people at home who start watching Frasier and they think, like, this is a good show,

but there's too much Frasier in it. And my advice is you can always scrub ahead and see when the next Niles scene is. How? You take your cursor, you take your little, the cursor, and then you can look at scenes that are coming up. So you can scrub ahead and then find out when the next Niles scene is and just skip to that.

So my question is- Have you started skipping the Frasier scenes? No, not yet. I wouldn't have the audacity. Because what if he got a phone call from Niles? I would miss it. I would miss out some Niles content. How would you describe the difference

between Frasier and Niles? Because it's always like when you're creating a show, you want the characters to be so different. And I always thought Frasier and Niles were so subtly different. Like one is a frog and one is a tadpole. Right. So you're saying Niles is sort of an thought Frasier and Niles were so subtly different. One is a frog and one is a tadpole. Right, so you're saying Niles is sort of an immature Frasier.

He's not immature. He's even slighter and even dandier. He's dandier maybe. That's what I like about him. But can you imagine pitching that show where it's like, Frasier is this, this, this, and this, and also there's his brother who's pretty much the same thing, but dandier. That show was a spinoff,

so you didn't really have to pitch Frasier. You did have to pitch Niles, though. You did have to pitch Niles. Niles wasn't on Cheers. But then you're just like, here's how you pitch Niles. You're like, you know what's funny about Frasier?

Let's amp it up to 11. Yeah, crank it from 10 and a half to 11. Wow, Niles is the Frasier of Frasier in a way. If you think about it, what Frasier was to Cheers, Niles is the Frasier of Frasier in a way. If you think about it. When Frasier was to Cheers, Niles is to Frasier. Imagine a new show called Niles. He's more Frasier than Niles. He is.

Or than Frasier. Could there be a character on the Niles spinoff that's more Niles? Oh my God. Maris, it'd be Maris. It's my dream to play Maris. God damn it. Emily very suddenly. It's my dream to play Maris. God damn it. Emily very suddenly just got into Frasier. And we've been watching Frasier.

But she does not like Frasier very much. But she was like, is there a Niles spinoff? And I'm like, no. Frasier was on for like 12 years. There's no time for Niles. How old is David Hyde Pierce now? I'll guess 59. Really?

I'll go 56. He's ageless because he lives on my TV. That's correct. Do you guys have guesses? Age? I'm going to look it up. I'm going to say, I'll say, oh, he was in Wet Hot American Summer. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. Just say the fucking age. All right, 55. Pretty good. Emily? 42. Wow. So Emily is by far the worst guesser.

I was correct. You saw him in 1993. I saw him the other day on my TV. He looked like 42. So when Frasier was on, he was 42, but now he is 59. 59. Very close to 60. Here's an interesting fact.

People who are 59 were born in 1959. Huh. It's kind of weird that way, the way math works. That's satisfying. Anyway, that'll be my D&D character. He's filled with mundane trivia like that. And it's interesting to him. He could totally be like a lame wizard that doesn't know like actual magic

but just like shows you math. That runs a trivia night at a tavern. Oh no, I know who you should be. Okay. Oh my God, you should be,

did you guys have in college the magic kid? Just like a magician? Yeah, like the kid who learned magic to try to make friends. Oh, I had a Rubik's Cube kid.

Yeah. You were the Rubik's Cube kid. No, but not in college. This kid was really good at the Rubik's Cube. I was a shitty Rubik's Cube kid. I was a bad version of that. Oh, you want me to be like a poor magician? No, like a stage magician. Oh, so a pretty good magician.

But not good. You're really good at sleight of hand and stuff that people aren't that impressed by. So not a wizard, just a... In a world where people can throw fireballs, you can do awesome card tricks. But it's the kind where it's more a math trick, so I put the cards down in three

rows of seven, and I'm like, alright, now choose a column. Alright, hold on one second. And it's always really particular. You're like, no, no, no, not that one. One of the front columns, not the back column. Don't grab it. Point to it. If you divide all five numbers

or add them, you get the same total. Isn't that hilarious? Think of a number between seven and ten. It can't be nine. Hard one swings his axe. Wow, it's the first time we've ever killed a guest.

Within eight minutes of me being on the show. I'm sorry, you've got another hour and a half. You can just sit quietly. Has that ever happened on the show? The guests get killed? The guest dies? No. It came close with Tonathan.

Oh, Tonathan did almost fall. Nathan Yaffe almost fell off a giant totem pole, essentially? Yeah. Can you choose to die? Like, if I came on and I wanted to die within two hours, could you force that on me? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you could. Honestly, you could just. He just behaved recklessly. Yeah. Can you choose to die? Like if I came on and I wanted to die within two hours, could you force that to happen? Yeah, you could.

Honestly, you could just. You just behave recklessly. Yeah. Oh, I can make it so I die. We're all trying not to die and we come close all the time. Yeah, you're just like, if they have like a ship that goes through the air, you could just be like, I jump off the airship.

Really? Yeah. Okay. You fall and you die. You could also be such a piece of shit that none of us want to heal you. Did I? I think I told you this story.

I told you this story, but I recently played Mafia with a group of not my friends, but my girlfriend's friends. Oh, yeah, I did not hear the story. You told me to tell you. This is great. So have you guys played Mafia?

Yeah. So in Mafia, for those of you listening at home, it's like a game where like 10 people are playing and they all close their eyes and one person is secretly like killing everyone else off. So when everyone's eyes are closed, his eyes are open and he's pointing to someone saying like,

kill that person. And then everyone opens their eyes and there's a general discussion to try to see who's the Mafia, who's the one who's actually killing people. And the point of the game is to lie. So everyone says, I'm not Mafia, I'm not Mafia. And then the guy who's actually Mafia also says, I'm not mafia, I'm not mafia. And then the guy who's actually mafia

also says, I'm not mafia. And then people are like, oh, I think he's lying and let's put him on the trial and let's execute him or stuff like that. Yeah.

It's like a witch hunt. A lot of guessing and stuff. It gets heated. It does. Did I say this already? Within 20 minutes, everyone was yelling at me that I was ruining the game

for everyone. Screaming at me to go. To leave. To leave the house. What? What did your girlfriend think? Was she just like, what the fuck are you doing? She was half mad at me, half confused

as to why this guy was genuinely yelling at me, and then half loving the fact that everyone was yelling at me. What did you do? Yes, no, more than one person. Like, why would you fucking do that? Why would you fucking do that? The only reason you do that

is to ruin the game. And then his fiance's like, he's trying to ruin the game. He's trying to ruin the game. Everyone's staring at me and yelling at me after the game had ended. What did you do?

Okay, wait. So this is what I did. Sometimes I tell people that. Can I guess what you did? No, sure. Did you, um, just just did you say that you were mafia no kind of so no no I didn't know that would be ruining the game I didn't even do it that bad sometimes I tell people the story and they're like yes you did ruin the game I agree with the

person sometimes they're like this guy overreacted so this is what I did no matter what he overreacted yeah because it was a game after all so uh some guy, like you vote to kill someone off, and then it's like if you get three votes, then you kill that person off. And I saw this guy raise his hand, and as soon as there was three votes, he lowered it. So I'm like, oh, I feel like this guy's mafia. He did something shady where he was trying to save somebody.

So then when it was time for a general discussion, I'm like, this guy raised his hand, and as soon as this person had enough votes to kill him he lowered it i think he's trying to disguise the fact that he's actually the killer and we should kill him off and he said i'm actually not the killer because and i'll tell you why i'm the doctor so in like advanced levels of mafia oh yeah there's the doctor who's allowed to save someone so and they're only allowed to save one person though exactly so like they're like considered

like super sacred he's like I'm actually the doctor so you guys shouldn't kill me and then I'm like well you're just lying you're just saying you're the doctor because everyone lies and that's what you're saying you're saying I'm the doctor but you're not the doctor and he's like yes I am the doctor why would I say I'm the doctor if I'm not the doctor I'm like because everyone

fucking lies in this game I can say like anybody can say anything and he's like it's too risky to say you're the doctor if I'm not the doctor. I'm like, because everyone fucking lies in this game. I can say, like, anybody can say anything. And he's like, it's too risky to say you're the doctor because then someone else would say, I'm the doctor and he's lying. And that would out me as lying. And I'm like, that's not actually true because you said I'm the doctor and everyone was just waiting to hear what you were saying. And the real doctor, aka me, didn't want to interrupt you. And everyone's like, oh, I'm like, that's right. I'm the doctor. And I didn't know what the hell you werea. me, didn't want to interrupt you. And everyone was like, oh! I'm like, that's right, I'm the doctor, and I didn't know what the hell you were doing,

so I didn't want to say anything until you were done talking. And now that you're done talking, I want to let everyone know that I'm the doctor and he's lying. Meanwhile, I'm not the doctor. I just think he's lying. And you're not a mafia either. No. And he's like, no, you're not the doctor. Don't say you're the doctor if you're not the doctor,

like that, back and forth. And I'm like, I am the doctor. You're say you're the doctor if you're not the doctor, like that, back and forth. And I'm like, I am the doctor. You're lying. Is this the guy who ended up yelling at you? Yes, and he was the host of the game. I'm currently on your side. So everyone's like, this is so fucking weird. I don't know why they're both saying they're the doctor.

Let's kill them both off. They kill me, and then the next round they kill him. And then the mafia wins because they have, like, the mafia ended up killing two townspeople. After they kill him, and then the mafia wins because they have, like, the mafia ended up killing two townspeople. After they kill him, the game ends, and he's like, there's no fucking reason you should say you're the doctor if you're not the doctor. A hundred times out of a hundred, you will lose that game.

No, I'm not, I'm just, I'm not, I'm not mad. I'm just fucking explaining to you that, like, the only reason you would do that is to ruin the fucking game. Like that, like, seriously yelling. Wait, was he the doctor? Yes, he was the doctor. was he the doctor the doctor is ruining the game no that was after the game was over yeah but like during the game he said he was the doctor he said it to save his life like by the way don't kill me i'm the doctor yeah but wait hang on hang on here's an important thing amir mafia? No, I was a townsperson. So why were you lying?

Because he believed that he was... I understand. I was saying I was a doctor because I thought he was lying. So I was lying to prove that he was lying. I've done shit like that. There's so much lying that happens. But you were trying to ruin the game. You were trying to kill him because you thought he was mafia. But he's like, you don't know that I'm mafia. Amir was playing.

I was playing the lying game. I'm all in on you. You're a bad player. I don't was playing the lying game. I'm all in Amir's side. You're a bad player. I don't think you ruined the game on purpose. Honestly, Amir, I would have done the same. Right. You operate on a hunch.

His logic is sound, though. Amir's logic was sound. Who is this motherfucker? Amir's logic was sound. He sounds like such a loser to be like, I'm about to get killed, and then he's like, I'll reveal that I'm the doctor. You don't locked down. He sounds like such a loser to be like, I'm about to get killed and then he's like, I'll reveal that I'm the doctor.

Yes. You don't do that. He says that's a professional expert strategy because he's played a lot. So he's like, to me, it doesn't fucking matter how much you've played.

To him, he's like, you shouldn't do that and the only reason you did that is because you're trying to actively ruin the game. So there's two levels. One,

calling me a bad player, which is fine. I'll accept that even though I don't agree with it. But two, then taking it to bad player which is fine i'll accept that even though i don't agree with it but two then taking it to the next level is like i'm so good at the game that i did it anyway to try to ruin the game and then other people joined in with him and were yelling at me everyone did anyone take your side a lot of people let's say there were eight people ten people playing four of them were screaming at me and four of them were like this is really

fucking weird i think it's so fucking weird. It is really weird. I think that I've played so much Mafia, and I've gotten into, like, I've had, like. Heated, right? It gets heated. Yeah. I've had, like, the room get weird and tense, but I've never had anyone, like, yell at someone. And also, I would have done what you did, because it's like, it's like, you think he's,

you genuinely believe he's lying. Yeah. And so you're like, let me call him out. You're lying. I mean, everyone's lying and so you're like, let me call him out. You're lying! The whole game is lying. I have to tell you. The whole game. Have you ever played, Mafia? I have played Mafia.

You don't sound like you're good at it if you don't lie. Wait, no, but why would you lie as a townsperson? Because I'm operating on a hunch. This is how I would call you out laughing and being like, why would you do that? Yes. Well,

because I don't even have the real doctor might want to be quiet because if that, if that's the real doctor would not want to be killed. If I, if I were the real doctor is, is, is the doctor. Yeah,

but he could easily have been lying. He could easily have been lying. He could easily have been lying, and the real doctor is like, I don't want to say anything because then I'll be targeted by the mafia next round. Sure. So Mir says, I'm the doctor just to get this guy to divulge,

or just to sow doubt among everybody and have them be willing to kill him. It's smart. I think it's smart. If I were playing, I would have also jumped in and said, no, I'm the doctor. Three doctors.

That's right. Let's all fucking lie. What usually happens in these games is like one person gets a little heated and they like instantly cool down.

Like, oh, you killed me. Like, fuck this. And they're like mad and then they like make another drink. But everybody else is like... Hover around like acting like

they're not interested but still watching. Like one person max is allowed to be like real wound up and then everybody else sort of like It was so wound up

that like half an hour later we were just sitting around like cooler heads had prevailed and he's just like I'm sorry by the way. Like that. Like he was like

inside his head like apologizing to me. I'm like it's fine. So you'll like hang out with him again? I would be fine too. I'm not eager to because you know

he takes it very seriously. Everyone's like apologizing to me. I would be fine too. I'm not eager to because you know, he takes it very seriously. Everyone's like apologizing to me. I'm like, this is more fun than playing a boring game to me. It's like the fact that we were all yelling at me. I like that kind of stuff because I have a fun story out of it. This is why I don't want to play D&D with you either. I feel like

that would be better than nothing happening. People apologizing to me, I don't need to hear. I'm sorry. It was just like a fun story. I think freaking out, freaking out is crazy. Especially as adults. Especially at a game. Like accusing me of trying to ruin the game. Like even at work.

He was yelling at me like he caught me slashing his tires. I also think you're like way more like fine to yell at you for ruining the game if you had killed like a bunch of other people. Yeah. But like the fact that you just got his character killed and he's like you're trying to ruin it. It's such a bad sport. It's such a bad look. It was really fun. That is really quite good.

That was a good story. Weigh In. Let me know if you think I one, didn't do good. Two, ruined the game. Or three, you think this guy is a little bit crazy. And I'll name his name on your Patreon. Awesome. We're actually out of time, unfortunately. But we got some good stories and laughs out of it, even if we only answered one question.

What's the name of your podcast? I think we helped a lot of people. At the very least one. We helped Amir work through his mafia time. Say your podcast again, just so we're all... Guys, check out Not Another D&D Podcast with me, Brian Murphy, Emily Axford, and Jake Hurwitz and Caldwell Tanner.

And soon to be featuring guest player, math wizard... Sid Green. Oh, hello. Just the normal name. Sidney James Green James isn't that normal That's a good name

James isn't good Sidney James Green It's a typo A typo on his version It's the female James It's James Hi Call me Ginny

Opening theme song Was written by Jackson And this closing one Is by Lahiru Pronounced to kind of Rhyme with Amir So I don't know how you pronounce it. Oh, wait, before we go,

you guys have anything to plug? The book. Yeah, the book. Also, Hey You Up, did I say this already? It's coming to Netflix in September. No, Hot Date is the name of our show. Sorry. Hey You Up's the book.

Hey You Up's the book. Hot Date on Netflix. Yeah, guys, Hot Date's coming to Netflix. Season one is coming to Netflix in September. Whoa, that's exciting. Yeah, so if you didn't catch it the first time around, catch it there. And then our book

is out right now, Hey You Up, How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact. It's on Amazon and it's also on Audible if you want to listen to us. Wow.

I like the sound of their voice. You like the sound of their voices. You like my twang. Yeah, you can do the whole thing in the British accent, right? Yeah.

All right. Send, if you have questions for yourself, you can send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Murph and Emily,

thank you for coming on our show. Thanks for having us. And we'll be back next week. Bye. Later. If I were you, if I were you,

if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, Cyber U.S. Cyber U.S. Cyber U.S. Here's a podcast, an awesome podcast

With Jake and Amir Here's a podcast, a dope-ass podcast The best of all them here If I were you if I were you That was a Hate Gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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