Segments - 34: Dibs

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to text a crush, how to make a move, and a new app idea. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- http://bit.ly/17A8WkL. For healthy and tasty snacks, delivered to you for free, check them out! And use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first shipment. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Huh? Aw, damn it it all started with a death inside a Starbucks and then a thousand five star ratings later they blew up

and fuck they tried to seize the cheese and talk about Jake's STD so email in your inquiries

and they'll sound off which means make fun of you you might think it wise to take advice from these two guys but I wouldn't do it if I were you. You do you! You do you indeed. Why are you mad? You sounded like that song made me... Yeah. Yeah, why

don't you do you? Why? Anyway, hey, welcome to the show. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we're in your basement. Where, you say that like you're mad. I am a little bit mad. Acoustically, it's great. This is like an amazingly soft, nice- Roach! Roach! Kakaroch!

Kakaroch! Kakaroch! La cacaracha! Da da da da da da! Ow! Oh, ooh, that is, I think it was, it's half wasp. It's a white widow. Ten times as dangerous as the spider. Yeah, I was kicked out of my apartment, I think.

I had to vacate the premises. Very much so. You were finally kicked out of the apartment for having what we call fake parties. You would crank the music up really loud and play a movie. So it sounded like you had guests and they were dancing. When the landlord knocked on your door, you only opened it just a crack. But he saw that it was bone bare inside there you were wearing pajamas you ordered nine pizzas just to complete the ruse and they were just stinking up the

hallway small man you wanted to seem popular to your doorman the police came and uh they eventually broke down the door and saw this sad sad situation situation, cracked up, high-fived each other, and left. They left their gun on the table with one bullet. They said, trust me, this guy can do no harm to anyone but himself. In a perfect world, we'll hear a goddamn blast as we leave. And we'll smile knowingly. Yeah. But I feel like we are downgraded.

We keep getting further and further away from a studio. From rec room to my apartment to this cockroach infested basement. Hey, we have a lovely basement here. This is like the basement from That 70s Show or something. It's a dark eclectic

It's a dingy little place. There's wallpaper. I haven't seen wallpaper in 25 years, I think. That was a weird thing that was popular, wallpaper. Wallpaper. Instead of just painting stuff. It's kind of interesting, though. It makes sense.

I prefer wallpaper. I mean, it looks cool. Yeah, just put a poster on the entire wall so that that's what the wall looks like. Why paint? Ideal. And this wallpaper is bright pink, yellow, and it's of a demonic anime princess monster sitting on a mushroom, holding a mushroom as an umbrella. She's sitting on a mushroom and holding another mushroom. Because that was actually designed by someone on mushrooms.

Look how many iterations there are of this girl. She's had so many different positions. Yeah, it seems like it repeats, but it's completely unique. Yeah, wow. That's another thing we have to take a picture of

and put on our Instagram. Yeah, we must. So, yeah, different locations, same podcast. How does it work? We get emails. People email us in.

Their questions and conundrums and sticky situations. And we do our best to help advise them to get out of them. And if we don't do that very well, hey, at least we make fun of them. Yeah. At the very least. And if we don't do that very well, then at least we tried. And at least we have a podcast. And you won't do jack shit except for listen to a podcast.

Okay? You judgmental, you judgmental goon. You goon. You're a goon for that, I think. You're all goons. Stop saying goon. Goons.

Goomsy. Goomsy. Gooms. So, should we throw ourselves right into it? Yeah. Let's get this party farted. Let's get it farted in here. Let's get it in here.

Get this party farted on a Saturday night. Oh, What else? Hey, you've got to hide your fart away. What is that? Who sings that? Bob Dylan? No, I think it's the Beatles. Oh, yeah. Hey, you've got to

hide your... It's just so weird. You're doing a Bob Dylan voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Jude, don't make it fart. Three half jokes. This Voltron. It's Bob Dylan covering the Beatles. As Weird Al, but a dumb version.

Oh my god, my mind just exploded. I want to hold your fart. Hey you, got that some fart i want to hold your fire i need somebody that was uh that's some 41 tom delong covering the beatles as weird al fart not just anybody fart you know. You know, I need to fart. Oh my gosh. All right. Now let's get started. We got that out of the way. Got that out of our system. Thank gosh. So these are real emails we're reading, but I'm going to give them a fake name to preserve their anonymity.

Anonymity. You know what? Before we get started, if you're listening to this on Monday and Tuesday or Wednesday and you live in New York, we're doing a live taping of this podcast and you should definitely come. There's still some tickets available. Last chance. Please, please do yourself a favor. Hang out with us. We're going to be doing the show live in front of a studio audience. For the first time since Comic-Con.

Yeah, since Comic-Con. This is going to be our first crowd of people who came specifically for the podcast. Yeah, no guests. Just us. Just us and Mike. It would be great. Because, like, right now we've sold two tickets, and I'm just afraid it'll be really echoey in there. We need more bodies to diffuse the reverb.

Just come and wear your favorite sound blanket. It's at Littlefield. So you can go to our website at fireyoushow.com for more information. All right, let's get started. Here we go. Here we started. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Let's call this guy Prancer.

Prancer. Prancer writes, Dear Jake. All right. What up? Dear Jake, I was troubled with some lady problems recently. So about a few months ago, school started and there was this new girl who was rather attractive. Being as quick as I am, I called dibs in front of all my friends.

She was totes flirting with me, but my friend of five years asked me if it was cool for him to ask her out. I respectably reminded him that I had dibs and to let me work my magic. Then, the next week, the D-bag asked her out. Worse yet, she said yes. I decided to just wait it out because my friend isn't the best in relationships, and I knew it wouldn't last long. Fast forward to two months to now, and they are still dating. There's a lot of tension between them, and I can tell it's not

going to last much longer. What should I do when they finally break up? Is there a certain amount of time I have to wait before I can ask her out? I mean, after all, I did have dibs in the first place. Or, is this girl off limits? Also, they always kissed in front of everybody and I'm not sure I would be able to smooch her after seeing her swap spit with my bestie. Appreciate it, Prancer.

Yeah, Prancer. Uh, you had, I think you had dibs. Uh, I'm surprised you're friends with someone who doesn't respect that. The dibs? You had dibs I'm surprised you're friends With someone who doesn't respect that The dibs? You had dibs I mean at that point she's legally

Attached, associated In your possession Two months worth of dibs That you just Threw away It's appalling That's what it is He doesn't respect the dibs.

He doesn't respect you. Hey, there are... Jesus, she accepted his marriage proposal. And you had dibs. They're getting married. It's a destination wedding. You show up. Holy cow.

Does anybody object? Is there any reason these two should not be wed? Speak now or hold your peace? Yes, your honor. I had dibs. Everyone stands up, gives you a standing O as you walk down the aisle, grab the small of her back, and smooch her. Dib her.

Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. Oh, man. He wrote this email specifically to you because he thought you would respect the dibs dibs dibs dibs dibs oh man he he emailed he wrote this email specifically to you because he thought you would respect the dibs i you know what is there any level of dibs that you do respect oh being as quick as i am i called dibs she's not it's not shotgun it's not the front seat of a car it's a human being that needs to reciprocate feelings he just ran around high school yelling dibs. First day of school, I get there at 7.15 a.m.

I'm tapping everybody like it's a game of freeze-tag. That's how quick I am. Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. Shit, I don't know. But I'm going to call dibs just so nobody else can do it. All right, I'll get back to you later, sweetheart. Okay, Mila Kunis, dibs. Natalie Portman, dibs.

I think she might be married, but that's kind of fucked up. Did her husband ever even call dibs? Or did he just ask her out, court her, make her fall in love with him, marry her, and then give her a great life? Because, I don't know, I call dibs. Is he providing for you? Because I actually have dibs on this. I don't have a career or much in the way of a personality, but I am quick enough to call dibs. Yeah, sure.

You bore his child, and you're raising it together in a loving family. But all due respect, Ms. Portman, I do have dibs here. Shut up and kiss me, you dibber. I will, but your French ballet fucking husband needs to get the fuck out of here. Yes, I shall go away. You call dibs, I'm sorry. Au revoir, au revoir. Dibs, dibs, the American.

Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of here. I have dibs. That means you leave and I stay, the end. I got dibs on your chick. No, there's no dibs. I think there's like... Is there any part of dibs or any sort of calling dibs that you do respect?

No, I don't respect anything. Or anyone. Well, what about like an emotional dibs? Like somebody doesn't necessarily call dibs, but you get to a place, your friend is flirting with a lady for a while. Right. You see that there's something going on. Yeah, I guess i if i could swoop in would you be a swooper no i've never never i would not i'm not a swooper i don't swoop in but dibs is sort of like a lazy way of like established you didn't actually establish a relationship with someone you just

yelled at her i feel like dibs is like sort of a fun game but like you can't be two months into it like you should not still be thinking about the dibs that you called right now. Yeah, two months later, there's no dibs. Yeah, if we're hanging out with a new group of girls and I say something to you like, oh, I mean, I would never say dibs, but I'm going after this one. Just to let you know. But I mean also, if you were like, oh, so am I, then I'd be like, you know what? May the best man win.

Well, for me and you, I feel like you always just give it to me because it's like you're like a fat kid in a candy store you're like oh you whatever the fuck you could have this and i'm like i really just want that one little like uh you know it's a really nice thing that i do for you back off girls and like let you pursue them and you just called me a fat kid in a candy store that says oh whatever so you take it oh don't you think it might just be a kid that really likes candy, and it's like, hey, you eat that piece of candy, friend. No, no, because you like any piece of candy. You don't mind the candy.

I have very specific tastes. How dare you? So you're like, yeah, I'll back off this candy because I can have that one, that one, that one, but I'm like, I don't want gummy, I don't want sour, I don't want raisins. You want that truffle. Yeah. That sweet, that nasty, that truffle yeah that that's sweet that nasty that truffle stuff uh-huh see i feel like i'm looking at the at the like the case chocolate the nice truffles

but then i'm all like as i'm just chowing down on gummy worms eating ice cream and then i'll spend the rest of my life with a truffle i'm a puke oh i think i had three pounds of Fun Dip last night, and she's still texting me. What's with her? She's crazy. She must have thought I was into her because I spent six hours eating Fun Dip or something. That's another thing I do. I spend so much time convincing a girl to like me and sleep with me, and then as soon as they're texting me the next day, I'm like, ew, what the fuck is this?

Whoa, where does she get off? I'll tell you where she didn't bring it on myself like i didn't like let her know that that was an acceptable thing and now no whatever i suck well for you feelings and physical are two different things like whoa just because i wanted to sleep with you doesn't mean i want to text and hang out with you. Yeah, absolutely not. I'm sort of a vampire, and during the day just consider me ghost. I will come out at night at 2 a.m., and if I'm still interested, you will hear from me. All right, how's that? I'm going to be watching The Grey with Liam Neeson for the next two hours. You're watching The Grey with Liam Neeson.

With Liam Neeson, yeah. You're with Liam Neeson watching him just sort of get commentary. We did sort of a commentary, yeah. He thought it was his best work, and I politely disagreed. I said, Mr. Neeson, you should be punching more things in this movie. Absolutely. An emotional vampire is a good way to describe you. Yeah.

Emotional vampire. During the day, your feelings burn and go away. And then at night, they come out like Nosferatu. Oh, man. Just, what is it called? A reverse falling back into a casket. Oh, I don't know. That's how you, like, elevate. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what that's called. Like lifting a barn door. Right. That's the rigid body. That's your emotions coming out. I come out at night, man. Nah. Huh?

Yeah. I only come out at night, man. Yeah. Huh? Yeah. I only come out at night, though, boss. Huh? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, during the day, I sort of retreat into my own personal cave of anguish. Huh? I'm afraid to open up and be myself. I don't really like to put myself out there because I don't want to get hurt.

So I actively hurt other people. Huh? No, it's hard. It's hard to be me because I feel, I joke about these things. What I'm really doing is I'm building a wall that I think is keeping people out but it might be it might just be keeping me in after all. I wish that voice It might just be keeping me in after all. Ha!

I wish that voice only came out at night. That is just out all the time. This is you during a therapy session. And the honking, the noise, the honking noise. The ha! What? Yeah, it's a tick, I guess. I sort of ha! eat myself and I myself and can't handle me at all times. You want a ham and cheese sandwich?

So yeah, dibs. You don't get to call it, and I think if you do call it, it's a fun game, but it's not a binding contract. It's not an oral agreement. You don't... It's one of those things that's just like... Everyone should just never respect this guy's dibs.

It's just like, I'm so confused. What's going on? Do dibs mean nothing? Dibs. No. Wait a second. Absolutely yes. An unspoken rule.

A gentleman's agreement. Sir Elton Dibs created it in 1901. Why, I do believe I call her, and I shall call her me. Dibbs. All right, Dibbs, relax. You can't just call your name whenever you want to. Meanwhile, she's blowing him. Oh, my God.

Dibbs. Dibbs is a pimp, I think. Have we answered him? Can't call Dibbs? Get over yourself. Yeah. Dibbs is an actual thing. Also, he was like, I'm really quick, so I called dibs right away.

And then I asked him for time to work my magic. A week goes by and he asks her out. Like, yeah, of course. You can't just call dibs and then sit on it for fucking two weeks while you're trying to work your magic. The couple probably during their hookup session just like remember when he called dibs oh yeah i've talked so much shit about people during during hooking up it's my favorite thing in the world what stealing someone from someone and then making fun of them while you're uh with the girl yeah what a mean what a mean thing that you do i know what an evil

thing oh they can't even hear it. It gives me such a goddamn rush. I'm going to destroy her, dude. It's all a power thing. Yeah. You just want power. I will just like, I'll like know that I have like, that I'm going to take some girl home and then I'll just like let her talk to whoever she wants.

And I just like to walk up, grab her hand and leave. Oh man, do you remember at the bar that time when there was that kid that was freestyling, like trying to impress that girl that I was with no oh wait maybe you weren't there i was like i was with this girl i'd like taken her on a date i came back i like was outside came back in there's like some dude like just hitting on her he's like freestyling and i just walked in i grabbed her hand i started making out with her what is it why is it that you like the power i don't know it's just that fucking like alpha moves that like in your face what are you

what are you asking what is it like what are you insecure about i don't know i think i feel like i guess i don't know enough about psychology but i don't feel insecure at all so like so i don't know maybe i'm just a piece of shit maybe i'm a monster i feel like i like I've heard, yeah, like, oh, no, you're just like insecure. You need validation. No, I just really like having my dick touched. I don't think it's valid. I don't know. Maybe it is.

But you do like swooping in and taking a girl from a group of guys. Well, but I feel like there's a different rush. I don't like swooping like for my friends. But I guess I like if you are with a girl and you know that she likes you. Right. I like putting that around. You like to see her hitting on another or a guy hitting on her yeah and just like just standing there watching knowing that it won't work yeah yeah i love that feeling toda i really we should do a we should do a i guess it wouldn't be legal but for you to just go to a therapy session and that's the podcast episode. That'd be cool.

Somebody's psychoanalyzing you. If there's a therapist who listens to the show who's willing to do a session on Jake on microphone. Oh, that'd be awesome. Well, maybe that like defeats the purpose. Right. Because I would still be, I'd be like performing. Yeah.

Maybe like have a session with me and then like give the results. Okay. So Jake suffers from narcissism delusions of grand chill i thought you were gonna say i had a big big peen i thought you were gonna proclaim that i was king pimp by the end of the fucking session actually this has turned into a private and now a public shaming of me a private sh shaming of me. That's okay. An intimate shaming for just me and my close podcast listeners. Just me and my 41,000 friends. All right.

Good. Dibs. Absolutely dibs. Absolutely untrue. Next question? Next. We called the first one Prancer. This one's from a lady.

Is there a lady reindeer? I don't know the sexes of the reindeer, but we call it reindeer. Dancer. Okay, dancer. This lady dancer. Tiny dancer, right? Tiny dancer. Oh, vixen.

Yeah, vixen. Vixen rights. Hold me closer, tiny vixen. Hold me closer, tiny vixen. Cabin head farts. Weirdest fucking character ever Lay me down You cheat to win

If you hate that, you've been hating it for a while You want us to stop Well, it's not gonna happen I love it We had a different day today Alright Hey guys, the name's Vixen. I have been having a problem.

It's not like anything huge, but it's been on my mind for a while. All right. So this guy really likes me, and his friends have even gotten – can you try reading this? I don't know if I'm doing it incorrectly or not. Hey, the name's – oh. I almost just said her name. All right. Vixen writes.

Vixen writes, hey, the name's Vixen. I've been having a problem. It's not like anything huge, but it's been on my mind for a name. All right, Vixen writes, Vixen writes, Hey, the name's Vixen. I've been having a problem. It's not like anything huge, but it's been on my mind for a while. All right, so this guy really likes me, and his friends have even gotten back to me about him talking about how much he loves me. I was in a group with my friends,

and it was freezing outside, and one of my best friends was between us, and she moved, leaving us right next to each other. I was wearing a thin shirt, and I didn't have a jacket, and he put his arms around me and pretty much held me really tight. Oh, yeah.

It felt nice, and I feel like I'm starting to like him back. Good. I realize how amazing he is but he's starting to do something. He's bringing up hints on what I think

is kissing me. He always talks about a dream. Shut up. He always talks about a dream he had about us and how he kissed.

Now that I'm really falling head over heels for him, I don't know what to do. Like I want to kiss him but I don't want it to lead to anything more sexual. And since when we go on walks, we're

always really close to each other, so how do I all of a sudden kiss him? Do I just go in front of him and all of a sudden kiss him? Like, seriously, what do you guys think? What? This girl's the world's worst romance novelist of all time. My thin shirt, my breast getting cold, and he pushes me up against him, and

oh, he talks about wanting to kiss me. And he pretty much held me really tight. Yeah. And then suddenly he starts talking to me about how much he wants to kiss me. But I just don't want it to lead to anything sexual. So I retract into my cave. This amazing man wants to kiss me. But God forbid it leads to what?

More kissing? No. This pervert? This disgusting slob? You strange, weird girl. What does she want? What does she want? This is the reason some guys are-

I love how everything is like, he held me really tight. It felt nice. She's a robot. This is the reason why some neurotic guys are, like, fucking, like, overthinking it, going crazy about ladies. It's like, because sometimes the girl is this crazy. Like, I held her tight. She said she liked it. I went to kiss her.

She freaked out. Then she said, no, I really want to kiss you. So then I thought she wanted to kiss me, but then she doesn't because she doesn't want it to leave. Kissing is a sexual thing. My theory is that she's italian oh there's like some i feel like this is some kind or like they're definitely not american they're not english these people i think i think that english is not their first language and i think this is like you know how um you know how uh foreigners are weird no you know how for like how like a french person or like a or a spanish person can say like they're so sexy like oh i had a had a dream where we kissed yeah and you're like oh my goodness i had a dream where we made love like oh my god i'm so like turned on my life this is like the first foray into that for both of them like i don't know what i want but it's all about

it's like all so lame it's like about a kiss or maybe they're like 14 right 14 year old spanish people 14 year old spaniards is the only way to explain this weird weird email it's like this is the podcast is i decipher who wrote the question not not give them advice have you ever wanted to kiss someone but you were afraid because you didn't want it to lead to anything more sexual no i've only ever wanted it to lead to something sexual well kissing. Yeah, kissing is the sexual destination. You arrived at sexual. You're allowed to do something without having, like, you are in control. It doesn't have to go anywhere. And if he

tries and you don't want to, then just say no. And he'll stop. Or if he doesn't, you should kill him. Oh my god. What a violent advice. Well, if he's going to try to push her, I think he deserves to be dead. He deserves the death penalty for what he did to her.

I'd like to give him the needle myself. That Pablo French person. Pablo Francois. This vixen. So is there even advice? Her question is, how do I kiss him? What do I all of a sudden kiss him? Seriously, what do you think? Yeah do I all of a sudden kiss him? Seriously, what do you think?

Yeah, you all of a sudden kiss him. Especially on a walk by yourself. That's, like, one of the most romantic things you can do before a kiss. I think, like, and you don't have to do anything. It sounds like he wants to kiss you. You shouldn't be, like, too much of a baby about it. Just, like, look at him for long enough that he has to kiss you. Are there girls who think, oh, I'll never make the first move?

I think so. And I think that's normal. That's not fair. I mean, I'm not saying it's fair or equal, but I think that there is— A girl who will never, ever, ever make the first move? Well, I feel like everybody should have exceptions to their rules. I don't think most of the time I've been in a situation where the girl has made the first move. I feel like most of the time I've been in a situation where the girls made the first move. I feel like most of the time I make the first move,

but like the, the girl can do something that predates the, like the precursor. Yeah. I feel, I guess like as long as we're being like talking about like the subtleties, the girl almost makes the first move because it's like, she has to give you eyes or swipe you right or match on hinge or match on.

Okay. Cupid or have a high Q rating on Match.com. Or like nod at me at the bar or just be on Tinder. Yeah, there's like – I move so slowly because I fear rejection. So like – Yeah, because that's the opposite of making fun of a guy while you're with a girl. That's being the guy. Yeah.

Well, when somebody else grabs her hands and walk and walks out of a bar then you're like oh fuck this damn it but like yeah you like you're talking you make a joke you like maybe oh touch her arm and see if she pulls away okay and then like oh then now like we're sitting facing each other our knees are touching yeah i'm gonna like move my knee now i'm gonna leave it here see i'm moving like a quarter inch away and see if you match it a little experiment everything it. A little experiment. Everything's like a little experiment. It's so fucking fun playing games, man.

I'm going to start texting. Please let me start texting. Remember this morning my phone was dead and I was just so excited to turn it on. I had 22 texts. They're all from your mom wondering what happened to your phone. Telling me my therapy appointment really needs to happen soon before I lose my fucking mind.

Saying that you sort of get excited and off to all the wrong races. Blink, blink. Oh my God, I dream about that sound. Which one? The blink text noise. Blink. I'm going to like, you should change your text noise to like a bell dinging and then see if I can just ding a bell and get you hard. A Pavlovian dick response.

I'm going to change my text coming into... Oh, God. Yeah, you should... Oh, hell yeah. You just checked. I just was... I had two messages on OkCupid. What's the point of OkCupid right now?

You're leaving New York City forever in 12 days. 12 days we move. What's the OkCupid game? Yeah, what's the – Hey, let's go out on a date. What's the first date? So what's up? I've just been packing.

I have to move across the country. Oh, for how long? Indefinitely. The foreseeable future for sure. So if you want to get a second drinks with me, let's do it on the 13th or else I'm gone forever. You know what? It's our last night together. What do you think, baby?

Is this crazy? I usually don't do this work so fast. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Will you let that guy hit on you for five minutes? And then I'm going to swo swoop is that cool hon and if you can if you can remember his name so we can make fun of him later that would really be ideal for me i really don't know why i'm on okay cupid still i like i don't i haven't met anybody i just i mean it's the game it's the game you almost don't care about meeting someone messages god it's sad well let's uh let's ease into our break because i wanted to talk about uh a little update since the you made me i shouldn't say made me i

downloaded tinder i did i mean like i i didn't make you make you but i definitely you were the one who put his knee 75 of the way there but i matched you 25 yeah yeah and just i made an aisle i downloaded it so so yes technically you did um so after swiping a lot that night yeah and playing the game as you say not much activity on tinder i gotta tell you let me see you got one match yeah well i got two now you got two matches yeah you didn't tell me about that second one yeah i got two you're a messenger no dope i don't know i just can't for whatever reason i can't get into it i don't understand why like swiping is fun but like but even like you said like since i downloaded tinder you haven't really matched with anyone either

yeah i don't know what that is it's just like a slow is it a slow thing is there too many people like and and i guess i did match with someone and started chatting but like it didn't lead to anything right the app is also i feel like the app is glitchy sometimes yeah like why don't i match all the time actually it was really funny last night we downloaded on a girl's phone and phone and she was just drunkenly swiping left and right, left and right. And she probably swiped within the first 15 minutes right six times and matched all six. Crazy. Like if you're a cute lady on Tinder.

Game over. Yeah, just whoever you want. Nobody's going to – and not only that but like they were – that means these people were active within like the last two minutes swiping her to the right that's true so i i guess like i used to think that like oh man i should just not play for a long time and then like go on and i'll like get more matches yeah but maybe i'm just i should be playing all the time constantly i i don't know what the game is i will say also like that girl the dudes on Tinder are so abysmal like when I'm on Tinder I'm sweat

like I see I mean it seems like it's maybe lower than 50% but a lot of the time I'm swiping right right I would not have swiped right a single time

with any of those guys no they were so busted which means if we in theory we're better looking than busted, that means. That's what I thought. And then yet when we swipe to the right, nothing happens. Yeah, maybe.

We can convince ourselves that those people haven't seen us yet. But we all know the truth. They're swiping to the left. They swiped us left. They absolutely did. Do you think you'll keep on playing? I don't know. Like, it's such a slow burn that, like.

When's the last time you were on it when you were just just like, you know, swiping girls, checking out chicks? Maybe two days ago. Yeah, you got to be... Every time you're taking a shit, I want you going through 100 girls. Jesus. Yeah, I'm serious. 100. 100.

100 girls? Yeah. That seems like a lot of effort. But, hey, it's a lot easier than meeting somebody in real life. You know what I'm saying? No, it's not. Oh. You were saying earlier that you've never met someone at a bar that night

and, like, broken the ice in person. You need to do it digitally first. Right. Digitally or, like, have an introduction from a friend. Right. I can't look at a girl across the bar, walk over and be like, let me buy you a drink. But if you don't have the confidence to do that, then who does? I know there are people that have that confidence that are like, I have no idea.

But people do. I mean, that happens for people. And I don't know what it is about me, but I just like. Maybe it's the fear of performance. Like the same thing that keeps you from wanting to do like stand-up yeah because it's like it's you putting yourself out there 100 right too much too much putting myself out there you don't want to take a leap you want to like take big steps and there's also like sometimes we'll go to a bar and like they'll be kind of cute girls and we'll be meeting them and i could potentially buy them a drink but

like i don't feel a major attraction. I kind of like to build on something. I like to see someone's pictures, start getting excited, build up to it for a couple days, then meet up and be like, all right, now it's all culminating in this. So what's your average from beginning to end? What would you say is the process? The average? I feel like what happens for me most is I'll meet up with a friend who has another friend, and I'll meet that person that night.

A cute friend. A cute friend. And then we'll have fun. The night will be over, and then I'll talk to my friend and be like, what's the deal with your friend? And then they'll be like, oh, she actually asked about you i'm like oh give me your number and then we start texting she comes out another time but this time to see me and then that's it that's the that's the move that happens like 70 of the time the rest of the time it's uh online online dating related tinder is that

friend of a friend yeah tinder's the friend of a friend But it's usually like I always hook up with people Like in circles Like at work or at Yeah in your Google circles Yeah in your Google Plus circles Yeah exactly People in your Google Plus

Or your Friendster extended networks I have a Friendster extended Actually Oh you know what Let's answer this other question Because that was going to lead me To that other idea I had About an app But let's read this one question because that was going to lead me to that other idea I had about an app.

But let's read this one first. Ready? This one comes from Ronan at a time. So let's say Rudolph. Rudolph. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer writes. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. What the hell is that?

I don't know. I can't do the Bob Dylan like you can. What was that? How dare you? It's not fair. That was so awful. Not a very shiny nose. Rudolph, the red nose rain fart.

I love it more than anyone else possibly can. Rudolph writes, There's this girl that I have known for a while, and recently she started texting me more and more. I like her, so one night I invited her to a party. We cuddled for most of the night, but I didn't make a move when I should have, and now I don't know how or when I will make the move. I really think she likes me, and I really like her, but she goes to a different school than me, and I can't think of something to

say. I want to ask her somewhere, but should I do that in person? But we have no mutual events, and I have no clue when I will see her again. Should I do it by text? She and I are both really shy, and I don't know how to bring up dating in our text conversations, which are very casual. How should I go at this? You guys are amazing. You're just trying to sneak that praise in there. Oops, you guys are amazing. Asshole. You didn you guys are missing. Asshole.

You didn't even write it. Thanks, Rudolph. So this is sort of related to the thing you were talking about, how I said, I wonder how often two people like each other and they're both too shy to make the move. And if either one of them did it it would have been successful right but it's just completely unrequited because no one has the balls to go for it yeah everybody is like just a little too guarded a little too like self-preserving but

like if one person made the move they would both be happy right so isn't there an app that can be like the middleman like that'll that'll force this attract like isn't that tinder no because tinder you still have to you have to be the person that says i like you i want to make a move right i want like a chemistry app where you're in you're in a party right you log in and let's in a perfect world everybody else is there uh you see their little circle right in that in that party so you basically filled out a questionnaire that knows like who you would be compatible not even a questionnaire like oh i see that girl across the room and she likes me and i like her i will draw a line from my circle to hers and if she draws that line too it goes you guys both like each other just talk and hook up just

talk loser i think i feel like it's like tinder It's like Tinder but on a micro level where it's just like for people in that room. It should be like the Dumbo's feather that made him fly or whatever. Like you should just have that app that you draw the line and it's always a match. Because that's all you need. That's all it is. All you need is just like the confidence. You know, Vinny did this to me one time. There was like a friend of his thatny did this to me one time there was like a

friend of his that he wanted to set me up with and um he was like oh so and so uh we'll call her dancer yeah dancer said dancer uh says like thinks you're really cute i'm like oh shit um dope i'm gonna go talk to her talk to her bought her a drink we like went on a bunch of dates and then at some point it came out she's like yeah i'm like really happy you like told vinny you were into me i was like no vinny told you me that you were into me and it turned out that he just like fucking he he lied to both of us yeah yeah it's like a plus this app should be called placebo because it's not about actually feeling the connection it's about having the confidence the thinking that she likes you right exactly so like you just oh that girl that girl like just asked about you

and you just go like, all right, dope. Like, hey. And like, and then they just say, hey, because everyone's friendly. I guess in a less dystopian way, the best way to act is as though somebody told you

that they like you. Yeah. That way you don't need to know. That's how you should always conduct yourself. Just like go up to anyone acting like they like you. Like their friend just came up to you in a huff and said, hey, you should make a move because she's like super into you. Yeah.

And that is – I mean maybe not like super into you, but I feel like people's default is like usually friendly and open. Right. At least give – it's always at least worth a shot. But there's – I've also noticed recently that like if it's not happening with someone, it's pretty apparent in the first minute. Yeah, it's true. There's almost like an instant judgment made. Yeah. And it's like, for me, it's impossible to overcome.

Right. I actually think I agree. I feel like I could walk into a bar, make one lap and be like, don't want to talk to that person, that person, this person. I could marry that one. I could definitely date this one i could see me and her like hooking up maybe but i like i snap judgments yeah but i feel like snap judgments a lot of time like your gut is often right right anyway what should we do about this cuddle bunny i mean you should just swing the bat dude just text her you're she's shy you're shy but like you got to just be the less shy one right now if you want this to happen just text her be like hey let's go on a date yeah this is one of those things where if you if she asked you out you'd be thrilled if you asked her out you

she'd be thrilled and neither of you guys are asking the other person right so just be a man and text her be a man dude you write that text. Be a man and write sweet words into your magic box. Click on send. Put it down on the floor and see if she ever responds to you without ever having to look her in the eye or ask her out in person. But eventually – I feel like it's like as passive as texting and online dating is. It's like sometimes – it's just sort of this necessary evil. So like one day maybe you guys will be like – you'll finally be able to like break down those walls and have a real like human connection. Yeah, and then you'll talk about the time where you guys – oh, can you imagine a time where we were both too shy to ask the other person out?

How silly we were. You know what? You know what actually changed my mind was this Bob Dylan loser on a podcast. He was singing about farts. I think he's a hero. He's amazing. What's the best way to courageously send a text? Like if you are trying to hype yourself up.

Direct. Do you remember? Oh, fuck. I feel like I can't say anybody's names, but I wrote a text for a friend of ours, and the girls called it the text. Well, this brings us back to texting Casanova. The website we need to build where Jake texts for you. Dude, I want it The Text. Well, that's what, this brings us back to texting Casanova. The website we need to build where Jake texts for you. Oh, dude, I want it so bad.

You should be able to send The Text for everybody else. The Text. Ooh, maybe that's the name. I wish I could remember what that text was. But it was something like, you know, hey, we should get a drink or something.

Right, right. It was, I mean, it was fucking way better. But just the fact that, like, you have the courage to be that forward is charming. Yeah, super, super confident. Because, I mean, you could fucking way better. But just the fact that you have the courage to be that forward is charming. Yeah, super, super confident. Because you could be really confident on a text. Who cares?

You don't have to be like, hey, what are you up to tonight? Just be like, hey, I'd like to get a drink with you. I'd like to watch a movie with you. I'd like to cuddle you again. You know what else helps on a psychological level? Just writing the text really quickly, sending it, and putting your phone down, walking away. All right, it's over. It's done.

I don't know. It's done. I'm leaving. Maybe she'll write me back. Maybe she won't, but it's over. Just assume you'll never hear back from her, even though like you're secretly looking at the phone waiting for it to vibrate.

It's true. How annoying is it waiting for a text message and your phone vibrates and you like look at it and it's just like an alarm. Oh, that's the worst. Not getting the one that you want. no i hate that but you know that's the that's another bad thing about the app that i brought up is like the fun is being able to like make a leap like if you know that

someone likes you it's slightly less exciting right it's true. High risk, high reward. But at the same time, you're still getting play. You're still getting play? What? You're still getting play? Yeah, you're still getting play. You really are playing. I think this basement is where I... Where you should live.

Oh yeah, it's cool. I live with my parents, but I still get like play and shit. I get kid and play, play actually I'm always looking for Random play On Facebook Alright so go for it That's our advice Go for it

That's it That's the show Seize the cheese That's the podcast Yeah we're out of time So thank you Thank you Thank you for listening

And your continued support. We really appreciate it. Viewership is going up, and it's thanks to you, Jake, for co-hosting this podcast with me. We make it all possible. This is amazing. You've got to thank me in your goddamn life. If you weren't funny or charming or interesting to listen to, I don't think anybody would tune in. But you are.

I couldn't do it without you, man, because all these wires and shit i don't exactly know uh we're don't touch them yeah i don't know like we're recording into final cut or some shit and uh yeah actually here oh no no no oh i can figure something out oh it's electrocating me you are wearing rubber gloves um. Oh, the email address if you have your own sticky situation, your own difficult place, your own conundrum, your own problem. Your own, own, what is it, Bill? Oh, fart. The email address to access us is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And all this stuff is on our website, which is ifireyoushow.com,

or you can go to seize the cheese dot com it's true we bought seize the cheese it's ours we keep getting emails there's this like meat market in the midwest that's using seize the cheese as their like promotional tagline for like a cheese sale I really wonder if they stole it from us man they must have right this marketing manager

at harvest market there's no chance in hell that it's a fucking parallel thinking man nobody thinks of rhymes quite like we do at Harvest Market in Madison. There's no chance in hell that it's a fucking parallel thinking, man. Nothing. Nobody thinks of rhymes quite like we do. Yeah. And right, live show's coming up.

The live podcast on Wednesday, November 6th at 8 p.m. We're also going on a live tour with Streeter. There's still tickets available. We're going all up and down the East Coast and the Midwest. Yeah, so go to collegehumor.com slash ch on tour and uh buy tickets if we're coming anywhere close to you even if you have to drive an hour okay yeah like an hour is like not even that bad yeah like you're really oh like oh an hour that's how long it takes me to live an hour outside of madison how i'm like yeah okay well well, this is the one time I'm fucking going to Madison. Yeah, we're not going to fucking Eau Claire,

sweetheart. Sorry, okay? We're not going to go to Duluth, Minnesota, but we're going to be in Minneapolis. So see us there. What is this? Why are you mad? I don't know. Please come see me in Madison. It's so funny. It's like, we're going to go to the show, meet some fans. She's like, I actually

wasn't going to come, but Jake's threat kind of scared me. I think he was talking to me. Anyway, I'm Debra from Duluth. D from D. Yeah. Anything else? We love you. We really do. Oh, that first theme song was from a guy named

CJ, and this last one is from a dude named Colin. Please keep them coming. We love them. We love them to death. You weird radio DJ. We love them. We love them to death. That one's from CJ.

This one's from Colin. And we are out. We'll go to Rodney in the chopper. Rodney, how are we looking with the traffic? I don't know. Holy shit. What the fuck was that, Rodney? Blackhawk County! It's partly smoky up here.

It's 345 degrees. At least that's what the gauge says. Looks like there's going to be a pileup on I-95 going in! Going in hot! Oh, the humanities. Anyway, thanks for listening to the show, everyone. Bye! If I were you and you were Jake Sills humanities. Anyway, thanks for listening to the show, everyone. Bye!