Segments - 340: New Porn (w/Rose McIver!)

Episode Date: July 23, 2018

Friend, actor and voice of HeadGum Rose McIver joins us to discuss ultimatums, gardening, and how porn habits die hard.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Got on a Greyhound, jacked off a stranger, and now your stomach's all tied. Cause you have got a boy at home, now another man has blown his load. This mess is all over your hands. Well, you know what Jake will say.

This relationship must break. And also, you're a pretty shitty guy. And Amir will quip and make some jokes. And reiterate that trust is broke. Did he mention you're a shitty guy? If I were you, the trust is broke. Didn't mention you're a shitty guy. If I were you, the show's over and, mother, you must go. These dudes are dropping wisdom bombs. Get advice for a sticky sitch.

You absolutely can't say bitch. Now shut up and listen to these guys. Whoa, Tyler Tyler, what's gotten into you? Very cheeky It's a cover of a John Prine song Rose, do you know who John Prine is? I know John Prine, but I don't remember that song

Oh really? I don't even know who he is Do you know who John Prine is? The sexy road trip song? Oh, you're saying that's a parody of a sexy road trip song? Or John Prine also has The sexy road trip song? I don't... Is that... Oh, you're saying that's a parody of a sexy road trip song or John Prine also has a sexy road trip song? There's definitely

no sexy road trip song that John Prine did. Oh, you're saying this song was a sexy road trip song? If John Prine did a sexy road trip. God, the perfect song. Can you imagine Prine

writing about a road trip? In his prime? Amazon Prime. It is Amazon Prime Day today. Rose McIver, thanks for coming back on our show. Thanks for having me, guys. Have we recorded in this studio? We have.

Thank you for remembering. Of course, of course. Very early when you guys had just moved in. I was arguing with Jake. I thought the couches were in a different position, but apparently I was wrong. New couches, different furniture, same position. Stronger, though.

Yeah. Better, stronger. Faster. Stronger. Velvet-ier. Rose, for those of you who don't know, is the voice of HeadGum. I am. Whether you wanted to or not.

Did you know that we were going to use your voice for that much? I just can't wait for the residuals checks to start flying in. She gets a cent of every ad booked. One percent or one cent? Both. Both. Yeah, that's right. I guess it is the same thing.

One cent is one percent of a dollar. John Prine. Everybody. You're also on a television show called iZombie. I am. Not for long. It's our last season. What? How many seasons were there? Five or six? Five. You're also on a television show called iZombie. I am. Not for long. It's our last season. It is?

How many seasons were there? Five or six? Five. It will be our fifth season that we film in Vancouver. I start in two weeks. Oh my gosh. The fifth and final season? Fifth and final season.

What will happen? Well, tell us right now. Spoil it. Will she become human? Is that the big overarching? Will she die? I don't know. Is she trying to become human or die? I'm not sure yet. We're going to see. Did you read the scripts yet or you don she die? I don't know. Is she trying to become a human or die?

I'm not sure yet. We're going to see. Did you read the scripts yet or you don't know? We don't know. I don't know if they know yet. Oh, they haven't even written it? You started shooting in two weeks. Do you know how television works?

They start shooting and then work it out. And then they start writing? They write and shoot at the same time. So how many episodes are in this season? They probably storyboarded the finale. Maybe. But I don't know yet. Oh, it's interesting

that you're the character but you don't have, you don't get to decide. They just drop it on your lap. You must have a little say. Like, do you ever get a script and you're like,

this doesn't feel like me. Yeah. Well, they did a prank on me that, because I take on these different characters each week and they gave me one

that was like, they're not on like cats at all. And I got this call and it was like, you're going to be a cat lady. Like, I hope you're okay working with like a thousand different, we've got 16 rescues that we've got coming to shoot with you. I was like, oh man.

I didn't, I was a consummate professional. Wow. I just hung up and cried and then they go back and they're like, oh no, it's a joke. We wanted you to be mad. Yeah, they did. They said you were cool. Like we were going to see you be a diva.

What would be your equivalent of that, Jake? Like what would you be like? I think I can't do this. Cockroaches? Shooting with cockroaches? Like drop you in a pit of cockroaches. Absolutely not. What about eating one?

You lived in New York. I mean, we shot a commercial Where they asked me to eat pasta And I wouldn't do it What? It was like unhealthy Were you on a diet? I was Yeah I was on a diet

I'm like I'm not gonna just shovel They're like Alright this is an eating contest Where you have to eat more pasta Than a mirror It was like No I'm not gonna do that

I'm not gonna ruin my day I'll have this cockroach Cause it's low in carb And high in protein And high in protein. And high in roach. Would you rather eat a kilo of pasta or one cockroach? How big is a kilo? Two and a half pounds

of pasta. Thank you. I have pasta, yeah. Two and a half pounds. You have to sit and shovel it down. That would be fine. That wouldn't be a problem for me. Is it two and a half pounds cooked or uncooked? Two and a half pounds, you have to sit and shovel it down. That would be fine. That wouldn't be a problem for me. Is it two and a half pounds cooked or uncooked? Two and a half pounds cooked every day for a week. You're changing the rule. You're moving the goddamn goalpost here.

This is my question. Or one cockroach once and it's over. How big is the cockroach? Because I've eaten crickets before. Have you? Where did you do that? In Mexico. What is it like?

What's the difference Between a cricket And a cockroach Ultimately I don't know what the At least in Mexico They were like crisped They were salted

They were It tasted like a salty Would you eat a crisped Cockroach Yes Over pounds and pounds Of pasta With like chili peppers

On top And like Rolled in paprika How big is the roach Is it going to squirt It's the size of a football. So it'd be the size of a football. It's two pounds worth of pasta, but it's roaches.

Yeah, because he's been eating the pasta. If you're not going to have it, he's been just feasting on pasta. He's the size of a grapefruit at this point. What's the thing that you wouldn't do? I already know, and it's shave. I would shave if necessary. What I don't like doing is dressing up as a woman. That is so specific.

I don't like wearing makeup, even general makeup to be in normal shape. What if it makes you look better? That's what I'm afraid of. Wearing lipstick and jewelry and drag and all that stuff. You think you might get too into it? I think it might turn me on and that freaks me the fuck out. Imagine me staring at myself and I'm just hard because the person that I'm looking at is probably the hottest woman I know.

And that scares the shit out of me. Of course. Draw me in the roaches. Throw me in a cat pit. Okay, what about if you were going to be on a TV show and you had like a giant pimple, but they could cover it really nicely? See, that I'm okay with. What I don't like is like when they put on too much makeup and then they're like, do you need something for your lips?

And then they put on greasy Vaseline. I just feel claustrophobic in it. I love when they put Vaseline on my lips. Yeah, I don't like it. I want just my whole entire face Vaseline-ed up. Yeah, shiny and new. I would love to be a shiny little boy for the day. Admit it.

I'm often a shiny little boy. Do I have amit it. I am often a shiny little boy. Do I have a little shine to me right now? A little sheen. I put a lot of sunblock on this morning. Smart. Thinking of the future. Until everything comes out about what the chemicals do to us. Oh, dear God.

Yeah, that's something I've been hearing. But it's like, it's worse. It can't be worse than the sun. Why nothing is worse than the sun. Is it a competition? All right, we got to get started. We have to answer questions. Otherwise, people are going to yell at us.

This is If I Were You, an advice show hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes we have our best friends in the studio. Today we have Rose McIver from iZombie and every HeadGum podcast you've ever listened to. Those are your big two credits, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. On IMDb.

What about the Christmas movie? That's a big one. Christmas Prince. I hope you guys are ready for the sequel. Whoa. Coming out this Christmas. You already shot it. I did.

The first one was kind of like this cult hit. So bizarre. Netflix got in trouble for- Calling themselves out. Yeah. That's so weird. Yeah. People just want to have a laugh. You know? Just a bit light, a bit fun. Put it on. Do, that's so weird. Yeah, people just want to have a laugh, you know,

just a bit light, a bit fun. Put it on, do a jigsaw puzzle, and you can do it again this Christmas. December 25th, Christmas Day. No, we're going to try to milk it. I think it'll come out like November or something. Just fucking put it out now. People like it year-round.

All right, here's a question from somebody named Rose. Do you have a fake lady's name? Is there a theme or do we not do that anymore? You can choose the theme. So whatever you say first could dictate the theme. Maybe it can be the- Basketball players. Oh, that's good.

Maybe basketball players from your new favorite team, the Los Angeles Warriors. No, I'm not being too specific right now. Okay. Because I really, really was craving her name to be Kyrie. Oh, that's a really nice name for a lady. Is Kyrie still on the Celtics? The Celtics, yeah. You were never going to guess that.

I had Boston. I just didn't want to say the name. You were going to say Celtics. Oh, classic. All right. Easy does it, though. We can poke fun at each other, but within reason. I know within reason.

I want to know what Kyrie said. All right. Okay. And I'd like an apology before we move on. What the fuck, man? All right, go ahead. Kyrie wrote, so I started this new job and I've been getting on great with my boss. Only a few years older than me, very laid back and chilled.

While I get my work account set up, he suggested I log in with his details. While bookmarking some pages, I found a long list of pages that he had bookmarked. Porn, sex toys, sex advice, lingerie for his girlfriend, the whole works. I would have just not said anything, but I've noticed he lets people onto his account whenever they can't get onto their own. Meaning it's only a matter of time before someone else sees this stuff. Basically, I'm wondering if I should tell him to delete the pages or just keep quiet. Please, uh, please ignorance, and let him, or I guess plead ignorance, plead ignorance and let him learn the hard way. No idea why he is just, uh, has this set up on his work account, but he's a good friend,

so I would like to prevent any awkwardness in the future in the least awkward way possible. Many thanks. Love, Kyrie. Ooh, baby. So Kyrie found that her new boss has bookmarked lots of salacious sex stuff on his browser, and he lets people log into his stuff and then he'll be outed as some sort of sex person online by his co-workers on the day i wonder how old he is or how tech savvy he is in general 41 yeah do you know i'm just sort of trying to paint a picture here okay bookmarking porn is kind of like an amateur move.

You're not 22 in bookmarking porn. You can't remember where you found the porn. It's an auto bill. And if you are incognito. You're in that much of a hurry every time? You need to just one click buy now. Yeah. A buy it now Amazon Prime for porn.

John Prine on the day. What do you think? Do you think that this is something that's worth nipping in the bud or do you think it's fine that somebody... I'm really kind of torn because part of me is like, this isn't your job. You don't have to worry about this.

Maybe other people won't find it, but you don't want to insert yourself into this. Sort of trying to be the hero of the story. Right. Is there a world where you say something to the boss and he's like, oh, thank God, thank you for telling me? Or is he like, oh, my God, I'm mortified. I gave so many people my password. Everybody already has seen this.

He's in too deep. Right. Like, it's too late. Also, it's not like you found that he's having an affair. You know, it's not like you found something that you're going to constructively change somebody's life for the better by being able to help or something. Because it's not, it's embarrassing in like a classic sitcom way, but it's not like embarrassing if you think about it where it's like some guy has porn on his computer where it's just like, all right, that's fine.

I just joined the club. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but it's not embarrassing to say I have porn on my computer, but it would be embarrassing if you guys got to look at all of the porn videos I watched in the last week. Oh, you would be ashamed. Yes, of course. Whoa. Of course.

I'm just asking, man. I didn't know it was deviant behavior. It's normal porn. It's normal porn. But what I'm wondering is if he bookmarks like- It didn't sound normal because you're deathly afraid of anybody watching even a second of It's weird to be like, this is what made me cum. Yeah.

Like porn generally makes you come. But if I saw the video that you got off to, it's a little too personal. You're very open. Does he really need to go that deep? Can he just go like, youporn.com, bookmark that. Does it have to be forward slash details? He doesn't want to search anymore. He wants to go straight to the goods.

Does he have a favorite verified amateur in the Pornhub community? That's right. It sounds like you do. Y'all don't go into the Pornhub community tab, do you? I didn't think so. Are you guys really particular about clearing your histories and stuff? I am not.

I imagine you'd be fastidious. I'm a splinter cell. I'm like, roll out of a car, take out the laptop battery, break it in half, throw one half in the garbage, throw the other half off a bridge, change my jacket, put on sunglasses, remove the hat. I have a wig. That's me when I'm done with porn. That's right. I am out of the panic room in Bulgaria for some reason. I am born identity myself.

My name and location comes up digitally at the bottom right of the screen. New passport, a thousand euros. An envelope filled with a currency for a country that no longer exists. Shave off your fingerprints. Burning them on some sort of really hot orb. And you just carefree. So I'll just search threesome on Google and then jerk off to the thumbnails. You jerk off to the first video you find?

Yeah, I'm not very particular. But there's a difference between being very particular and just being like even a little discerning. You'll find any threesome. Yeah, it's all exciting to me because it's all people having sex on video. That's enough. Yeah. Just the fact that

they're being filmed is so hot. But like, I'll know videos so intimately that I'll be like, oh, I better come before this part

because they're about to cut away to an angle I don't. Oh, I revisit. You gotta have a respect for the classics. The hits. What are you gonna watch?

Citizen Kane once? You only watch new porn? You jack off to Citizen Kane? I'm in drag. Rosebud. Oh, wait, but you do have classics that you revisit. Yeah. More so than, like, movies or TV shows.

For sure. I definitely know porn much better than I know, like, movies. But there are thousands being made all day every day. That's like reading another book. I'm caught up. I'm only watching new porn at this point. I've seen all of it. I've seen the whole entire back catalog. I've seen every single porn. No wonder you want to clear your history. He doesn't even have enough space on his computer to save the cash.

Do you watch porn? I, okay. You're talking a big game. Yeah, no, I am. I'm speaking like I know a lot. I'm not devoted. No, I'm certainly not like a committed watcher or revisitor ever. So are you closer, do you feel like you're closer to me or Amir?

Definitely neither. That's the right answer. You're the perfect middle. I think girls tend to have more, this is a generalization, but maybe more of an imagination with it and maybe don't need quite the same stimuli and like to rely on it all the time. Yeah. So you're saying you don't always need porn or you don't always need like hardcore porn? Both. I don't always need it. What don't always need like hardcore porn? Both. I don't always need it.

What's the difference between porn and hardcore porn? Where would you draw the line? Well, softcore porn, I'm saying. Porn, I think, is like implied that it's hardcore porn. I watch like waves lapping on the shore, you know, like in the 60s. Zen garden. But there are like those like sex art porns. Yeah, or reading things.

Did I ever tell you about the time that Fleur and I found boxes and boxes of really full-on porn, like written porn, when we were like helping an old woman clear out her house? Wow. And it was like her husband had moved to a retirement home and she was following shortly after him and he wasn't very well. And Fleur and I, newly in L.A., getting paid like 80 bucks to move some house in Reseda for like a full day. Oh, my God. And we were looking in these boxes and she was like, oh, in the far right corner of the garage is my husband's, all his novels he's collected over the years. She had no idea.

The top layer of boxes were like old first edition classics. The rest of the like 20 boxes in there were just full on bestiality porn. Bestiality? Yeah. Written word? Yeah. It's like the equivalent of keeping. Like the German Shepherd Next Door kind of stuff.

Jesus. But it looked like a secret seven. God, that's hot. Have you ever gotten off to a book, like a romance novel? Oh, yeah. When I was in like sixth grade, there were like, you know, it was like the Dear Penthouse stories. Yeah. Those would turn me on. I don't know if I would like look at a word and come.

But like, yeah, I would like read it to get hot and bothered. But that is a thing, right? It's the romance novels and it's like basically describing sex to the point where. Absolutely. That's what's so outrageous on a plane when you walk down and you see like a woman, an 80-year-old woman reading like the Italian Stallion's New Lover or something. I love that. That's like what – they deserve that escape.

They're an 80-year-old lady on a plane. On a plane. That's a hard thing to do, to fly at that age. Even harder when you're hot and bothered. Yeah. Can you read a book that's so hot that you just start orgasming without even touching yourself? Probably. Jake.

Yeah, and that book is Catcher in the Rye. If you read it in a certain light, you'll notice that you can sort of see, what's his name? Holden Caulfield's dick in a few paragraphs. Holden Celtics. Holden Celtics, Jake. Huh? Alright, so let's go back to figuring out whether or not we should give this guy

or this lady the green light to say something about it or not. I'll say start deleting the bookmarks. Oh, wow. A little Robin Hood. A secret like Batman. Delete all the bookmarks. He doesn't necessarily need them. He will know.

He'll see, and he'll be like, oh, my God, like maybe somebody else saw this in my account. What if he reprimands her? You really shouldn't mess with my bookmarks. Now I don't know what lingerie to buy my girlfriend. There's girlfriend lingerie, there's smut that's just gone now. There's a bunch of other shit that I can't find. This is him talking to the entire company.

Who did it? At the board meeting. Anyway, Q4 numbers are up, up, up. Going vertical. Nice. Rose, what would you do in this situation? You know what? I actually think that's some of the more sound advice you guys have given.

Wow. Technically, I didn't give it. Jake has given. Namaste. Namaste and thank you. My soul honors your soul. And I'm really sorry for whatever I did before when I called you out. I owed you an apology. What did I do?

Yeah, you said that. It was the Celtic thing. Yeah, sorry about that. And also, but I do think just deleting them like two at a time until he clicks and he's like, oh, man, it's a subtle way. You're not rubbing his nose in it. You are just kind of advising him that people can see this. Yeah. I think it's kind.

And then when you notice a little like pep in his step, you someday in the future say, by the way, I'm your quiet hero. Leaning in on his deathbed. We don't all wear capes. You don't what? We don't all wear capes. You don't what? We don't all wear capes, she said. Got it. It was very good. Thank you.

Sorry, I was doing my own little thing in my own little world. I'm so sorry. I should have just let you talk. Yeah. Is that what you would do, or is that just what you think she should do? I would have ignored it and just let it get really awkward and somebody else deal with it, probably. But I do think better, stronger advice is to subtly delete them.

Take action. There's lots of little things. Sharp, decisive action. Hell, I'm the hero here. You are corporate. And I am wearing a cape. Can you think of like a situation where like there was something happening

where you're like, someone should deal with that, but I'm not going to. Like, I feel like that's a lot of my life is like, oh, there's something happening in the distance. I'd rather not make it worse. Yeah, that happens all the time. One time I was at the airport and a dog shit in the middle of the airport and the owner like cleaned up a little bit. Yeah. Like as best they could, but it seemed like they were like embarrassed sort of in a hurry and they left like two nuggets and a streak right in the middle and

i like watched them i was like you're autobiography that's crazy two nuggets and a streak that's my dick and balls with a forward by tsa and tsa leot and i was standing there i was like someone should tell somebody and then i was like watching as people were coming by. And I was like, oh, my God, someone's going to step in it. Someone has to do something. But not me. Not now. And I was about to.

But it took me a pretty long time. And I was looking at Jill. And I was like, this is crazy. At the very least, tell someone. Yeah. The coward's hero way out. And then somebody walked over. A better person.

When you see someone on the side of the road, like the car's broken down. Yeah. I'm like, should I? I should. I don't know how the jumpers work. I one time helped. I may be more of a hindrance. I did.

I one time gave somebody on the side of the road a jump and they gave me a really delicious tamale. Wow. They had it in the boot? Yeah. I think they were going to like on a picnic or something and they had it was wrapped in tinfoil.

It was so, so good. That's nice. I ate it and got food poisoning. There's another thing too. Like when I was in New York a few weeks ago,

I was walking down the street and there was a guy like lying on, on a, like in front of a stoop and like, he looked like he was sort of like

slightly better dressed than other homeless people and he just like wasn't stoop. And like, he looked like he was sort of like slightly better dressed than other homeless people. And he just like, wasn't moving. And I was like, this guy could easily be dead. And I sort of waited and I like, think I saw him breathing.

And I was like, all right, I'm out. Just passed out. It was just the wind hitting his jacket. He was like on the edge and could be saved if you made the effort. Yeah. I'm the kind of guy that'll stare until a really good person walks up to him and is like,

hey, sir, are you okay? And then when the guy goes, yeah, I'm fine, I would look at the guy that went over to help and I'm like, all right, good work. I'm glad we did something, you and I together. When I'm like, I didn't do anything. I just waited to see how the situation would resolve itself. You just watched.

Yeah, or I'll step over the seemingly dead body and I would sort of accidentally catch my heel on his nose. Oh, sorry, to see if it jerks him awake or whatever. You kicked a homeless guy in the face. That's a different story, unrelated to this message. To see if he's awake? No. Did I tell you guys about my worst ever day in Beverly Hills

when I was first living out here and trying to get auditions? I was feeling terrible about myself, and we'd all gone out for drinks the night before, and I'd stayed at Fleur's Place, my friend, and I was so hungover and just felt so seedy and was wearing the same outfit, like full on. I had put back on the outfit for an audition. Oh, wow.

And my stockings had a little ladder in them, and I just felt like an idiot And I was walking down a I may have told you this Have I told you this? No I was walking down like Rodeo Drive or something And this homeless guy was like lying in the street

And he looked at me and went You have a hole in your stocking And I was so sad anyway And feeling so low And he called me out for my fashion And I didn't get the job A homeless guy is like You don't have your shit together lady

Yeah it was like that I was like wow Perspective Is is like, you don't have your shit together, lady. Yeah, it was like that. I was like, wow, perspective. Is that where the phrase don't get your stockings in a ladder comes from? That's not a saying. Okay, well, interesting. If we wanted to start when I was just saying, maybe we can. So how would you use that? It would come from what?

You don't get your stockings. Rose having her stockings in a ladder? Oh, that's kind of fun. I don't want this to be my thing. Don't get your, as Rose McIver once said, don't get your stockings in a ladder. Don't get your stockings in a ladder. Oh, that's a really good impression. Australia and wherever the fuck she's from.

Don't get your stockings in a ladder, mate. That's really good. I've got a shrill head. Oh, man. That is a classic McIver impression. I am the voice of your podcast. Oh, yeah. This is a hidden podcast.

I really can't tell who's talking. Thank you so much. I can't tell who's talking when you do that. It's so freaky. I can't tell who's talking i can't tell who's talking to do that it's so freaky like i'm staring at you talking and i really think it's rose in your body or something it's fucking nuts namaste my soul honors your soul dude for real we got to take a break thanks to sponsors and we'll be right back maybe we'll turn on the air conditioner because it's getting hot in here i'm hot and bothered my stockings are in a ladder, frankly. Very nice. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into

each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Rose, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Sorry about that.

My music career is going great, Jake. You thought that was me? You're still jamming out. Wait, did I do that? You did not do that. No, I mean, I know I didn't do the guitar. You definitely didn't do the guitar. It's time for some unsolicited advice. Is that my voice?

Is that a sample of my voice? Unsolicited advice? Oh, interesting. Let's see. Unsolicited advice. Oh, yeah. I think that is your voice. It is, right?

I never realized that. Cool. I only did right now. Lars, a man that we met in Amsterdam, did that for us. Anyway, Rose, do you have any unsolicited advice? I do. In LA, it's very hot. Warm.

Very heat wave prone. Yes, triple digits. So my advice is don't go crazy at the nursery and plant out your garden until you have irrigation. Oh, you need watered plants. So your advice is to water plants. Yeah, but it's like to set up the watering system. I don't know if you know how technical those are. Cart before the horse.

Exactly. Because you want the place to look pretty. That's right. You plant all the lavender. Did you do an irrigation system at your place? Yes, but it only bursts like really short and really seldom. Yeah. Because I don't like...

I feel horribly guilty using it. Do you have a drought-resistant garden? Yeah, I do. Succulents? But they still, to grow, to like start they have to be integrated with water. Did you use a surface? Very expensive man. Was he very expensive? Yes. My yard is a jungle and I don't understand. You don't need irrigation then. That means you've got all the water. Well, his is constantly sprinklerlering so like his water bill last year was like 1800 a month

was it really no but I don't know anything about my system so I I do I sort of want to like have somebody come in and just like scrape it clean and then re I've got a really expensive guy for you he's 1800 a month He's a giant That's not bad That's how you know he's flower What kind of plants did you plant? He is really good Can you eat any of them?

Yeah I've planted Well we've only irrigated the front section So we have planted like Rosemary and lots of ground cover And things that Because it's on a hill It's just going to slide down without it So that's why we really needed to do it

Does it look nice and lush? She just said that it died. It died on one when I spent like hours in it. And I always thought I was such a green thumb too. Yeah, you got the hat and the visor. Not the hat. I had like one of those. You had gloves, clippers.

A hat and a visor? Yeah, a visor with a hat. Like a sun hat but also a visor. No, I had one of those ones with the like long desert sort of flap down the back. Oh, that's cool. Like you're a beekeeper almost. And my Blundstone boots. Oh, that's cool. Like you're a beekeeper almost. And my Blundstone boots.

Oh, that's cool. And then did you have the gloves, the thick gloves and the shears? I had some cute little Martha Stewart gloves. Oh, that's really nice. You know, like the little rosy garden ones. But it's you just clipping a dead cactus's arms off. It's been dead for like six months. I'm just pruning it again.

I think we're going to need more water. Your fingers are bleeding. That's good advice. Thank you for that. Irrigate your gardens, people. In LA, before you plant, okay? Because I planted and thought I could irrigate afterwards. And then you go away for the long weekend and all the plants die.

Three days without water, that's it. It's like that time you had that dog, remember? You left her in the house for a week and a half. Yeah, and then it didn't have enough water, and boom. This is untrue. Slant-less. Treasonous. Did you want to talk about your new favorite basketball team, the Los Angeles Lakers, featuring

your favorite basketball player of all time, LeBron James? The latter is true. LeBron is your favorite basketball player ever. He is. You got into him over the last year. I got into basketball through him. That's right. Really.

Okay. And I'm a huge fan of him as an athlete. Yep. And also as a human being in general. And then you even went to Cleveland to watch him play. I did. I went to Quicken Loans. That's right.

It was so exciting. They're a pretty mellow crowd. Yeah. I would say I was the loudest in Quicken Loans. I was very excited. Not a good sign. Not a good sign. Well, they weren't winning at that moment, so it was not great.

They were playing Warriors. How dare they? Cleveland has the best basketball player ever. Not anymore. You hear him every single day. I love LeBron. I don't know if I love him as much as Rose, but he's also my favorite player. So we got three LeBron fans in the studio.

This is a complicated time for us because I hate the Lakers. Well, I don't hate if I love him as much as Rose, but he's also my favorite player. So we got three LeBron fans in the studio. This is a complicated time for us because I hate the Lakers. Well, I don't hate the Lakers. I just didn't feel that strongly about them. I was inspired by this kind of ragtag bunch of misfits that made up the Cavs, and I was hopeful that they were going to be the underdogs. Now it's sort of like... Well, the Lakers can be that ragtag misfits. They got the misfit DNA, and they're an underdog.

They were very bad for the last four years. So whatever you were feeling for Cleveland, you can transfer that over to the Lakers. It doesn't work like that though. I mean, I bought the hats.

Throw the hats away. It's all about burning the old hats and buying new hats. I think I'm going to support, I will always have a soft spot for the Cavs. And I love that LeBron

is interested in giving back to his hometown and supporting where he's from. Love that stuff. You can love Cleveland. I would love him one day to go for the Cavs. And I love that LeBron is interested in giving back to his hometown and supporting where he's from. Love that stuff. You can love Cleveland. I would love him one day to go own the Cavs. That would be beautiful. And it might happen.

And so I'm keeping a candle. For the Cavs. But it is great that I'll be able to watch LeBron play here. That's right. You live. I'm warming a lot. And I like the Lakers. I like purple.

You don't have to go to Cleveland to watch LeBron play anymore. You can just drive down the street. And I hope that one day his son plays on the same team as him. And that team? The Lakers? Yeah. Or the Cavs. I hate purple. I think I would like the Lakers if they were blue. So homophobic. Blue and gold? What are you talking about?

That actually was their original colors. Wait, who do you support? Who did you support? A bunch. Really, nothing. I mean, I supported Cleveland. That was my favorite team. I never saw you at the games.

Wow. You never made it to the queue, did you? No, no, at the queue when we watched all together. That's right. We watched the finals. Oh, right, at the sports bar even. I don't like watching sports at sports bars. Stresses you out?

Yeah. Well, I feel like nobody actually pays attention to the games. Oh, we did. We were paying attention. Oh, you believed that. I always get roped into a conversation. We were paying attention to the games and the buffalo cauliflower. I feel like rooting for athletes versus teams is a new thing.

That's what I do, yeah. But this is the thing. So you're still a LeBron fan. It's going to be complicated for me. I'm also rooting. I'm like pretty actively. I'm more passionate right now about like anybody that can beat Golden State because I hate Golden State a lot.

But it's like what Seinfeld says now. You support a jersey. You don't support like a hometown. It makes more sense to root for a human and regardless of where he is root for that human but that's sort of not how it goes people just like whoever's wearing the yellow jersey i'll like but the warriors yeah that's gonna be it's gonna be a boring year yeah but there's always next year and the year after and if lebron can just stay for four eight twelve, 12 more years I'm just starting to count on LeBron Jr. That's what I'm counting on

genetics passed on to little Bronwyn Bronwyn Surefoot, he's 14 he's going to be in the NBA in 4 or 5 years it's going to be exciting that's why LeBron signed a 4 year deal because whoever drafts his son he can go play with him

will he definitely be in the NBA? nothing is for sure but he's only gotten better with age. So it stands to reason that he'll play until at least 38. Is he like a very good 14-year-old? Yes, he's a very good 14-year-old. Is he as good as LeBron was at 14? I don't think so.

But there is NBA aspirations within him. Right. And he'll have like the highest levels of training, I imagine. LeBron will take care of him quite well. He'll have the trainers. He'll have the facilities. Do as I do and as I say.

He'll have the energy drinks. And if he needs a SAT tutor, I'm going to be right there waiting for him. I got a perfect 800 in math. Let's go over algebra, Bronny. Basketball passed hard at your face. I just realized this means that I have to suck up to Jesse again. That's right.

He works for the Lakers. Oh, my gosh. I have to suck up to everyone. I have to go, guys. I have to make a call. It's going to be really hard to get tickets. What about, did you guys watch the World Cup? Yes.

Oh, yeah. I was super into the World Cup. Who were you supporting? I started supporting Iceland and Portugal. Of course. My two favorite places. Then I was, when they were eliminated, I was also supporting Mexico from the beginning.

But then it shifted to Belgium and England. You must have loved the third place game. I did not watch that. So I was pretty upset by the way the finals looked and then in the finals I was rooting for Croatia

so here I am so you had a great time I was also rooting for France because they have kind of the LeBron of soccer right that's why it's not fun

to root for them but you love LeBron is that Dessie? no Mbappe they don't have they don't have the LeBron he's more of like the curry no he's like a he's like this genetic freakyear-old who can dominate even at a super young age.

But it's easier to root for LeBron when he was on the Cavs because he was doing it all himself and the team wasn't that great. Oh, so as soon as LeBron joins a good team. You were like rooting for LeBron on the Warriors, which I would not do. Really? I would be too proud to do that. I would not do it. That's why you don't like Kevin Durant. Yeah.

I just think, yeah, I mean, whatever. We all know. We all know the Warriors situation, don't we? You really joined basketball in a weird time because it's like everyone knows who's going to win the championship. But you could have said that in the 90s with Jordan or in the 80s with the Lakers. We're alienating a lot of people that listen to this podcast that don't like when we talk about basketball, but I don't care.

We also talk about porn, guys. Yeah, that was enough. But that's got way more broad appeal. Yeah, exactly. No, that's what I'm saying. We'll win you back with a porn chat next. All right, good. Yeah, I'm going to talk to you guys about the Czech Republic's

output of pornography. The Warriors came super close to losing, to not being in the finals. Yes. So they're not like an invincible team. Your favorite ACP3. Yeah, I don't like the Rockets at all. Why? Because they don't have very likable players to me. I don't like Chris Paul.

They probably say the same about you. I don't think he thinks about me at all. And that's what really pisses me off the most. Imagine me in drag staring at Chris Paul, front row. Oh, hey, boys. He's at the free throw line. Your lips are greasy with Vaseline. He can't see a fucking rim because it's all shiny and sparkly off my lips.

This is the game winning free throw. LeBron wins the championship yet again. And then I wake up in a fever dream that I had because I passed out because it was so fucking hard. And that's what you jerk off to. And that's what my Google search is for the porn that I want to watch. We actually have another question that relates to pornography, so maybe we should get back to it.

Let's do it. This is from a man. So do you have a man's name? I know Kyrie was your woman's name, but who's your man's name? How about your favorite current Cavalier? Curry. Curry and Kyrie. All right.

Curry writes, I have an issue that I may need a tissue for. I've started dating a fantastic girl that I love dearly, and we both feel the when you know, you know. And she told me early on that she doesn't want me to watch porn because I'd be looking at other girls. Fine. She gave me nudes for my needs and we have sex on the regular. Win-win. But.

No. Walk away. But she also has a problem with my Instagram follows and Snapchats. I follow models and actresses all the same, you know. I'm a dude and I've noticed that they're starting to disappear. She's deleting them off my accounts in secret.

I have nothing to hide. I give her my phone all the time. So would I bring up the fact that she's doing this and maybe have a fight? Or was I wrong and she should have deleted them before and I should have deleted them before and And I should have deleted them before. And let it be. P.S. I haven't got to see you yet.

Come to Canada more. Love, Curry. Okay. This is very related to the last question in which you suggested people deleting other people's porn. This girlfriend is doing it to her boyfriend. He does not like it. This is a red fucking flag to me me i don't even think it's worth the conversation i think it's worth a breakup a breakup even if it's your soulmate and she's like

it's not your soulmate i would never be soulmates with somebody that was this it's not your soulmate it's not his either nobody can be a soulmate with somebody who does this no i think jealousy they have no soul jealousy of this level prohibits um true connection you can't be you you'll never she'll never truly know his soul because his soul wants to watch porn is it possible for you always hear about one jealous partner is it possible for both people to be super jealous like has that ever happened have you ever heard that or it's like she's deleting my instagram but also you can't see anybody. And it's like yelling back and forth, turning each other on with the prohibitions until they're just locked alone in a bunker somewhere.

Yep. Fully happy. That happens. That does happen. Of course. Sounds happy. Soulmates. They found each other.

No, I've never experienced that. I do think people get, you know, it's not like people are going to get less controlling the more you go into a relationship and the longer you go. This sounds like. Especially the more it works. Yeah, exactly. She's not going to be like, all right, good.

He doesn't watch porn and I deleted all of his Instagram followers. And also I've confiscated your car keys and next you can't wear that hat. And yeah. What's next? What's after this? You think there's no going back?

You're giving her more power. She's becoming emboldened to request things. Have you said anything to her? Kari? He hasn't, no. Well, that's step one. I'm calling you out on that. You need to say, I've noticed you're deleting my stuff.

Yeah. This is weird. And she's like, yeah, I don't want you to follow any hot girls on Instagram. You have me. Here's another nude for you, is what you would say. And then you would say, that's not good enough. Thank you for playing. That's not good enough.

That's not good enough. And now we aren't together anymore. And now the world is my oyster yet again. How would you guys feel if your respective partners followed hot dudes on Instagram who they didn't know? Just like tons of them. I would flip my shit. I would yell and be a nasty boy.

That would be so fine. I would think it was hilarious. Like just sort of six packs and like, you know? Everything that you're not. I have a six pack. I was just talking about it in general. Okay. You're talking into the mirror with your greasy vest.

I actually do. So step off. Do you ever deal with this? Like you have a man in your life. Do you ever check to see who he follows, who he likes, all this stuff, the social media, sleuthery? Well, he uses it really differently. He uses it for work, really, most of the time. He's got a few people that are like friends, but mainly it's work.

So those bikini models are, that's networking. That's work. That's work, Jake. Of course. But is it possible to draw the line somewhere? Like if following is fine, is DMing not? Is DMing fine? Is meeting up not?

Is meeting up fine? Well, I have a rule of like not reading or going into people's stuff. If you look under too many rocks, you're going to find something. You just do. Anyone could do that about anyone, whether it's just like some stupid insult or like a, I don't know, whatever. It could be anything. Don't get your stockings in a ladder, basically. Yeah, exactly, as Rose McIver once said.

Don't get your stockings in a ladder. Seriously, who's talking right now? It's crazy. I don't know anymore. But I do think. This has been Jake for the last few minutes. This eloquent, nuanced take about jealousy. It's Jake.

It's pure Jake. No, I would say I'm also an actor, and I remember him saying like... Oh, that's another interesting wrinkle. It's like the making out with other guys on camera. Yeah. And he had a good phrase that I liked where he was like don't move in next door to a bar and complain about the noise. If you're going to date an actress you're going to deal with that. And you're going to either have a problem with it and be a really difficult, annoying partner. But you know what you're signing up for. It's an actress. It's what she does for a living. So he's really good about it.

I think I haven't given him cause to be weird. Is there any, not with you, but with anybody, is there any like, that is a little weird, like just inherently making out with someone, even if it's quote unquote fake, does create some chemistry that tests a relationship or is it completely unfounded? I think it's the most, I mean, sure,

some people is showmancers. That's what they're called. Shromances, which is romances. Just showmancers. What did I say? Shro. Shro, of course. Absolutely.

It's such a clean pun. Yeah. Shro, oh, like when you're on the TV, shro. Here, shro me that? No, there are those people who do those, but you can kind of see them. They're serial showmancers. Oh, shromancers. They're serial showmancers. Oh, showmancers. Yeah, showmancers.

They just hop around and fall in love with leading men all the time. I know those people. You can kind of see them coming. They leave other relationships all the time for their new ones. Let's call them out by name. I would love to. Sarah. Oh, my God.

I knew it. Whoa. Kennedy. Sarah Palin Kennedy III. Fucking showmancer to the third degree She has been sromancing forever Because it is It forces you in a situation where like

You're very intimate with someone So there is a little bit something to be worried about Yeah It's not something that If you're not kind of in yourself and a little bit more Like you have some perspective on Oh that's We are working 18 hours together every day like

of course we feel like we're connected and get along great and then you leave and you don't ever think about them again you're like oh i'm fine which is what i'm gonna do when i finish my show i will never think about anyone ever later rahul see you rah you're a nobody to me but i do think um what do i think about the jealousy with partners thing? It's just exhausting. It's a waste of time. If something's going to happen, it's going to happen not based on whether you're going to control it or not. Right. If anything, it might even cause it to happen. It's more likely to happen the more controlling you are. Yeah. But I think it's fair to be like, you know, maybe if that person is embarrassing you publicly by like

saying a lot of stuff about other girls or whatever, then maybe it would be fair to just be like, hey, that makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes. I know it might be irrational. Just letting you know where I'm at. There's kind of a tactful way of doing it that's not like, I'm crazy. I'm going to like delete all your followers. If you are experienced, like if you are the jealous party, I think there's-

Are you a jealous person? No. But I think that there's like a way to talk about your jealousy without being like you can't follow people on Instagram. You can't talk to these girls. You can't look at porn. You have to like – Don't project it. Yeah, you've got to put it on yourself. Like I am dealing with insecurity.

I don't know where it comes from. But when you look at porn, it makes me feel like you're cheating on me. And like let's work through that. So you look at it in top secret and don't ever talk to me about it ever again. I think that's healthy. And if I ever catch it, we're done. People need to live in the shadows, in the shade from time to time. You can't spend all day in the sun, folks.

Oh my God, you're still a poet. It's too hot. You're a little sunburnt poet. You're like a flower. You'll be dehydrated and die I think that jealousy put the irrigation in first

it's not that jealousy shouldn't exist in relationships because I think it does but I think it needs to be dealt with from like the perspective of like where

it's coming from and like not setting up rules like don't do anything that makes me jealous it's like yeah rules don't work right how do I

how do I talk to you and show you like and help you become more secure but the answer isn't like I'm not going to do anything that I talk to you and show you like and help you become more secure? But the answer isn't like I'm not going to do anything that I like to do. So you're happy. No, no, definitely not. So man up, Curry. Have a little chat about it all.

Yeah, you're going extreme. Just straight up break up. I think that this guy, this one's beyond saving. Let's just call it. But generally, all the other stuff I said about talking about jealousy open openly stance except for curry which you gotta cut and run although if they're both feeling when you know it's no i feel like at the last at the very least you should be like you don't do that anymore and then it's like see how she reacts to that give her like tell her that that's not gonna happen and see if she's giving you an ultimatum why didn't you just

be like well this is who i am and i'm going to do it. Do you want to be this or not? Start following extra people on Instagram. It's funny that when somebody's like, we both feel like you know when you know and then they say something that's like such a huge impediment to the relationship that it's disastrous. We fight twice a day

and you just know when you know. You know, married people fight all the time, I guess. Rose, where do you fall in that spectrum of breakup now and have a conversation? Well, I would say have a conversation Stand your ground Say this is something that is healthy for me Unless you have like a serious porn addiction And you need to like wrap that up a bit

Doesn't sound like me Oh wait, we're talking about the person I'm on a subway in Moscow with sunglasses on. There's an explosion that I completely understood and saw coming. I climb out of the roof and onto the fucking very crowded streets. I am ghost. I am gone. For a year and a half, you'll never see me again.

Loading the Pornhub community tab on a burner. On a flip phone that barely works. All right, cool. That's it. We tried to answer as many people, help as many people as possible. Thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. It was fun to see you guys.

Is there anything you want to plug or promote before we get out of here? Just I'm going to be looking for a job next year. Oh, my God. So Amir, I might get you reading auditions with me again. Got that magic touch. I thought you don't have to audition anymore once, my God. So Amir, I might get you reading auditions with me again. Got that magic touch. I thought you don't have to audition anymore once you're on a successful show. I am offer only. Yeah.

But you should have Amir reading your offers. I'm reading your emails for you. I will, actually. Yeah. Because I'm also going to be unemployed. And responding on my behalf. So when do you shoot? When are you unemployed again?

I'll be unemployed as of January. For my birthday. You got some time. So when do you shoot? When are you unemployed again? I'll be unemployed as of January. For my birthday. You got some time. Can we get you saying that was a HeadGum podcast so we don't have to put the stinger in at the end? That was a HeadGum podcast. That's perfect. If you have any questions of your own,

send them to ifiryshow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Tyler. This closing one was written by somebody called Creme Brulee PDX, who I believe we've used their stuff before. So thanks, Creme Brulee. Thanks, Tyler. And thanks to you guys for listening. And thanks to Rose for coming by.

Thank you. We'll be back next week. Hey, go. Yeah. Yeah. I had sex with my best friend's girlfriend. Now I'm feeling stressed. I'm a scumbag, but I swear I try my best.

Think I need some help and I just need some rest. Who can I email when I'm really feeling pressed? Got a lot of cheese and it's seized. Hope to get some advice that I need. Thankful for the co-edivas I know. It's If I Were You, the podcast show. Ay. Thankful for the Courtney buzz, I know. It's the Far Were You, the podcast show. Hey. That was a heat gum vodka.

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