Segments - 341: Wiping (w/Jay Mohr!)

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Comedian Jay Mohr joins us to discuss pissing, WhatsApp, and the greatest Chris Farley story ever told. For Mohr, Jay check out his podcast "Mohr Stories!"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Dear Vance and the Bench, Trouble's near, Trump is here, And I can't go back to living with ease. Big problems seem like a cinch,

So I can't go back to seizing my cheese. They may sound smart smart but they're not But they'll give it everything that they've got You need some help, you're on your knees But they don't know much They're no Socrates You're down on your luck

But don't kill yourself in a Starbucks So what can you do? Sit on down and listen to If I Were You. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts when? Now. Wow. Luke Knudsen.

What do you think, Jay Moore? Is that Knudsen? It looks like Knudsen. I think it's the first time I've ever thought, that's a perfect use of a triangle. He did use the triangle and a little bit of xylophone, I think. A lot of dings. And a uke. Yeah. Let's hear from Jake, though. Yeah, Jake, what do you think?

I didn't notice the triangle, but now that you brought it up, I really like it. Let's play it again! Isolate the triangle track. Oh my gosh. Two men trampled, running for the same punchline. Luke Knutson. It looks like Knutson, but it's not. Soundcloud is soundcloud.com. gosh two men trampled running for the same punchline you got there before i did uh luke knutson it looks like newton but it's not it's naia soundcloud is soundcloud.com slash l

canoodles so thanks luke for writing that in we appreciate it and thanks to jay for coming by yeah don't kill yourself in a starbucks yeah everybody knows your name oh my god heather killed herself oh that'd be cool and then the, what goes on your tombstone. It's how they misspelled your name. Oh, that's really good. We were reading tweets earlier. I think that could work. Really?

Yeah. Because you haven't tweeted in so long. I'm looking for the perfect joke to break the silence. To come back. I think Stephen Wright has them all. You can always just retweet him. You tweeting? Jay Moore?

Yeah, Jay Moore 37, Instagram and Twitter. And Facebook's legit, but my assistant does it. Yeah. Not mine, too. That must be nice. Yeah. You know what that means? Jake writes all my tweets.

Jake does it all? I did the Durant thing. When you see a Facebook post of mine, it's, tickets are slow, let's go. You know, they don't say, fuck me, stepdaddy. Why do they even say that in the porn sites step dad and step daughter there's a lot of step stuff but yeah i don't like the step stuff because you just gotta sift through the weeds and get to you know step there so it's not against the law i guess yeah i like this well let's well we won't get into my porn what is your

favorite what's your favorite category where do you gravitate towards hold on let me loosen my bones i don't like this unbroken eye contact while you ask i like i'm very present i like the step stuff but i don't like the i don't like the dialogue about the step stuff well they lose it pretty quickly usually it's like one like oh my god it's a big step daddy but and then everyone's like all right like while they're like when they're fucking they'll be like oh like yeah fuck your sister or fuck your mom or something

and I'm like I don't want to hear that so I need to but we weren't talking about sisters and moms just now yeah we were talking about step sisters

they'll drop the step and just say daddy and mommy yeah that's the good part yes step is how they get you in and then once you're there step is like well I don't feel guilty

starting but then once they start fucking they just drop all the steps I feel guilty that I wasted 20 minutes punching my clown to some fucking stepdad. Who cares? You're not even related. What's so hot about... I need another audio playing over the step audio.

Yeah. And what's yours there, Amir? I'm pretty traditional. You know, threesome. Any person. I'm pretty traditional. Cuckold, glory old, gang bang. Missionary. Girls with two married. any traditional yeah cold glory

old gang bang missionary two married one married couple

enjoying a night in Saturday I dig it yeah like I can't do it any other way

yeah I can't finish the OG yeah I need the symmetry it is a weird name for the

original position missionary it sounds so special. But why, everybody's bald from like the eyes down. Like when did that memo go out that every woman was just like, ah, we're all babies. Like what happened to pubic hair? Like I don't need like some giant fucking Pam Greer bush.

Isn't that a specific porn thing now? Bush? Yeah, you can specify the amount of pubic hair that you want. That's how far it's gone into the crazy direction where you have to type in hairy yeah just have like a triangle or normal like a landing strip or something yeah oh interesting yeah well let me hijack your show do your thing no no you're right you're right i said the triangle you're right this is if i were you thanks for bringing us back to what we're supposed to be doing which

is answering people's questions advice people. People are seeking our guidance, our wisdom. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes Jay Moore is here trying to answer as many questions with us as possible. One time Jay Moore is here. Yeah, this one time that Jay Moore is here. What happened? Is it okay that I keep saying Jay Moore instead of just Jay? Jay is here, Jay Moore is here. No, of course. Mr. Moore. It's like an old radio

thing. You did a lot of radio in college? No, zero radio. You do seem like a kind of guy that would have like an unpopular radio show in college. Oh, yeah, that I did out of my dorm room. As opposed to that red hot radio show up at SUNY Purchase. Hey, everybody. That's right. Here's Deftones again coming at you.

The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones. So here's a question from a real person. We just need to give him a fake name just so we can preserve. By the way, it all tracks with me, by the way. It's all very linear. It's just a lot of tricky turns. Deviations. Radio, you have to keep saying the person's name in case they just tuned in.

Oh. Yeah, like the station ID stuff. Yeah. So you're like, yeah, Dwight Howard joining us. Yeah. Dwight. Oh, that's right. Otherwise you're like, the fuck you talking to

Got it But with podcasts They listen all the way through We can say your name once In theory Yeah That's the goal at least Some people are just

Skipping to the middle Trying to guess Who we're talking to Anyway Jay Moore Will be in the title too Do you have a Do you have a fake guy's name It could be any name you want

Somebody from your past Somebody completely made up My go to is James Barone. Or Joe Barroso. That's my dog, Pirate. James Barone, right? Yeah. I've noticed when in public bathrooms that my post-urination

ritual is longer than most men's. I give it a few shakes, but then I have to do this gentle maneuver where I kind of squeeze and slide from base to tip. I have to do that three to four times to ensure I don't get any last lingering drops or else they'll eventually make their way out and get on my undies.

Is this normal? What's the average slash acceptable time to do my post P procedure? Day one-er. Love you guys. A nanosecond. James, you're quick. It's over. You're out. Is this guy 90? This guy is 94, yeah. 94? Yeah, 94. That's over. You're out. Instant. Is this guy 90? This guy is 94, yeah.

94? Yeah, 94. That's why I said he was a day one listener. My immediate, if he really wants a solution, I would just say get circumcised. What? Oh, you think that's it? Do you think it has to do with his foreskin? Of course.

He has a sheath. He has to like... I feel like I'm only talking like Norm to you. Sheath? Even... Of course. He has a sheath. He has a sheath.ath. Of course, there's a sheath. Guy's got a sheath as weapon, you know.

And then, oh, I better keep it clean. So, yeah, that's a long routine. Long post-p routine. Well, a lot of people are scared of the, I'm not afraid of a few drops getting out after I'm done. I think that's what the underwear is for. Also, that's what drinking a lot of water is for, so you don't have bright yellow dots because you're dying.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, if you drink enough water, it'll be colorless drops. Yeah. And odorless. So, as Amir knows, I have an overactive bladder. I have to pee almost all the time.

You're urinating right now. Yes, I am. But I've read some, and I read in some magazine that if you squeeze the base of your dick up against the top of your dick, it drains everything out. Oh, it's almost like squeezing a straw out with the honey inside. So I think I might do this. It's weird this procedure sounds. I think I do it, but I do it only once.

The base, and then you sort of wring it out. I'll flick the drip. Flick the drip. Everyone flicks the drip. But then I squeeze real hard to see if there's any piss in there. And then a finishing seal, which is like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube, so you'll start rolling it up from tip to base.

And as you know, I pee backwards with my dick through my legs. That's right. Amir, when you say that way you squeeze all the honey out, are you talking about his dick? We're just talking about masturbation. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that good... Watching step videos. That white honey.

That foovula. White honey. Why do you have... Is your bladder... Is it nervousness? Yeah, I think it is nervousness because like i'll i think i just i like pinch off before i'm actually done peeing but you have to pee a lot yeah like i'll pee and then i'll go back to my desk and then i'll be like oh i have

especially at bedtime yes bedtime did you wet the bed as a kid um don't act like you don't remember i don't think i did i didn't wet the bed as a kid. I mean, I did, I think, like, the normal amount. From the top of the dresser? Yeah. From the doorway. No, I wet the bed as a kid, and then it wasn't until, like, well, about eight years. Everything's eight years ago, I guess. Yeah.

Where I actually got a sonogram on my bladder, and 30% didn't come out. What? For some reason. I was born premature, so there's like weird little hiccups in your body. Sorry, 30% of the urine doesn't come out when you pee or 30% of the bladder wasn't formed when you say 30%? 30% of my urine didn't, maybe 20% didn't come out of the way,

so there's still like a little sensation. So I tied the sensation to like, oh my God, I'm going to wet the bed even like into my 30s. Now like I got to pee like a cow on a flat rock and i'm like fuck it man i don't care yeah i fall asleep that's when i sleep holy shit and then i'll just wake up and like i'll hold it hold it and then i'll forget about it and then when i have to pee it's like oh my god i have to go right now like oh women like no i gotta go right now i've been that started happening to me all my pee my pee problems have been later in my life,

and now I'll get a pee attack where I'll be driving, and everything is fine. I'm like, oh, I have to pee a little bit. I'll look for a gas station. And then 10 seconds after that, I'm pulling over on the side of the road, peeing into a cup or something. You're like Calvin on a bumper sticker,

just like the full rainbow. Right on top of that Chevy fucking bow tie, or on a family member that's died. Or the Mexican family where there's always an L-U-Z, a person named L-U-Z in there. Lose. Actually, speaking of funerals, we have a funeral related question. So this is a great segue. I want to go back because I am an actual intuitive and an actual life coach. Okay.

Yours, I see you wrote, whenever you're still, it's when you get that angst. Like when you just said, you drive the car and you're like, everything's fine. So your bladder goes, no, it ain't. You got to get up and do something. Whoa. Because when you're still, like some people in relationships, when things are going really well, that's when they throw a monkey wrench in. They need drama. They're used to the chaos because that's what they were raised in.

Right. I want to have an activity a mission spatial relations in your home as a kid the rules changed all the time as a kid that's true yes that is true i have so like five siblings like where do i stand like let's and the rules like look at him jumping on the couch get off the goddamn couch and like you're standing in this part of the kitchen was like the safe place when somebody's cooking and then it's like you cannot stand here when i'm cooking so it always moves so when things are still you're very uncomfortable because it's like liminal space and time for you that's fucking crazy correct i don't say it unless i'm right more stories 37 37 if you got some problems that's yeah I can't afford me.

See, might as well get in on the cheap. Let's do another podcast where I just get fucking therapy from Jay Morpher a little bit. Yeah, nothing to worry about, man. You're good to go. You ever bowl? Yeah. You ever roll a gutter ball, right? All the time.

And you lean your body all the way over like that. That's worry. Yeah. That's worry. Oh, shit. You're all crooked and doesn't do anything. So you just got to figure out a way to just let that go. Like it's

are you like an amateur psychologist psychologist i'm an intuitive and i do you know i get hired by some ceos once in a while to like give them new i don't like the words life coach because it's kind of weird i coach wrestling too wow really like people go like transformative coaching i'm like well no i'm the one that was transformed transformed. If you're not transforming the kid, then you shouldn't be coaching at all. A kid comes out to play football, he's a wide receiver, he doesn't know anything, you teach him routes, you've transformed his fucking life.

So, yeah, no, I do it well. So can you teach Jake how to catch a football too? Come on, son. Grab a pad. Play the triangle, isolated triangle here for our after school special. But no, like I, if I could figure out a way to monetize it without getting sick

out of my mouth. Well, do you like psychoanalyzing people? This is like a new... I just feel it's helpful. Like it's, I just see like basic math. Like this poor guy's driving around like, what if I have to pee? Like, you're gonna have to pee. So just pee in a Gatorade bottle or something. That's exactly what I do, sir. Just real good. And Starbucks cups, in case you're gonna have to pee so just pee in a Gatorade bottle or something that's exactly what I do sir

just real good and Starbucks cups in case you're wondering a venti Starbucks cup how many times can you pee in it before the bottom gives out the answer is four the bottom gives out

yeah and I was on my way to my first mediation after my first divorce and that was the only day I've ever worn black jeans in my life and the bottom went out

and I was covered I had pee pee pants as I wrote somebody a check for 1.8 just walking down the hallways like i'm in spongebob like that is a good story all right i'll listen to your and you're like fiercely independent independent that's cool to hear uh yeah i guess i am independent though you can't be done right unless you've done it like not that you don't trust other people can do it right,

but you don't leave anything to chance. Right, like I'm meticulous in my details. You have to say only yes or no. That way you don't think that you led me to the answer. There's no such thing as a psychic. They're just present and they listen to everything you say. And they're like, hey, what's going on with five kids? And you're like, how do you know I had five kids in my family?

Right. It's because you accidentally said it like nine months ago. So did you like math? What was your favorite subject as a kid? That's correct, math. Yeah, because there's no ambiguity. Yeah. It's right or wrong.

Is he like history? He could interpret English. He could bend the words up and make them his own. You guys can see these two guys' faces right now. They're fucking freaking out. I feel like I'm stoned. This is like a weird dream I had. It's like, yeah, and Jay Moore was there, and he was psychoanalyzing me on a podcast.

We just thought he was a dick. Turns out he's all right and just fucking knows everything about us. What is your podcast? It's just More Stories now. Thanks for being a fan. Because I know More Stories was around years and years and years ago, even before podcasts were on. 1890s, yeah.

Wow. The first radio show. But you're still doing that, and then you had a sports show. Back in the 40s. Come on out to the ballpark. Jay Maul with his newfangled podcast, More Stories. Watch a real live black man play basketball. Jackie Robinson leads the entire major leagues with 14 home runs.

More Stories. play basketball Jackie Robinson leads the entire major leagues with 14 home runs more stories and I do comedy science which is like when I don't have a guest I just sit in a hotel room and I think what bit needs to be like looked at

through the jeweler's loop whoa so I've done like fuck Tucker Tucker sucks by Carlin Wino vs. Dracula by Pryor Eddie Murphy

the dog don't know his name Eddie is that how you write stand up is that you perform stand up in whatever sticks you i've never written stand-up in my life i just say things that like happened to me like stories that happened to me like things that have actually happened like renting a kayak with my son or the fact that my boys are both idiots or you know women like when are you married nobody's married here i'm getting married in three weeks like when

so when you took out the ring, she was like, oh my God, yes. And then six years into marriage, she's like, why are you in the bathroom so long? Can't wait for that. Like I don't wipe my butt properly. I don't know. All right, here's a dark question.

Give me another guy's name. It could be anything. Joe Barroso. Joe Barroso. GB. My aunt passed away five months ago and I'm in a family WhatsApp group that was made to let everyone know

about the funeral and other things. The group is 17 people strong. Sounds close. I've never even been close to her or to that side of the family. See, there you go. The funeral has been and gone. Stories and memories have shared,

and the chat is still going. Notifications daily for months. How can I leave this group without looking like a dick i don't like these people sorry i don't talk to these people and i never see them but they're technically still my family well you're only on whatsapp for pussy pussy pictures or cock you're saying whatsapp is a specific sex app versus like your text messages why would you go to whatsapp if you have text on your phone? I don't use it. I use it expressly for pussy pictures.

There's things that are encrypted that you don't want in your iCloud in case they hack your stuff. You're like, oh, I did, that glory hole

was a glory hole. You have like family that lives overseas. Yeah, that's correct. That's the far, far distant fifth reason. Less nefarious reason, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

That's what I actually said to you pussy pictures as well. Yeah, that's true, but this is a completely different thing. Actually, I'm comfortable right now. WhatsApp you're describing as like an adult Snapchat

where it's like messages that aren't necessarily associated with anything concrete. Any videos I have, like I've taken of me and a girl, it's like how fast can I get this on WhatsApp and delete it

so when I'm going like see look on your takedowns don't worry about her you know so he doesn't have to leave he just has to not answer well yeah can't you turn the notifications off yeah but maybe he's using WhatsApp for other things

like he wants notifications but look there's people on my WhatsApp that you don't answer. Just don't answer. They message you. You don't have to leave WhatsApp. Do you ever see that red notification thing and get stressed out that it's up to 47? That's why all my notifications are off, and that has become a real problem. Yeah, because then you don't see the things you want to see.

Well, my dad's like, I have been calling you. You don't have the badge alert for your phone? No. Wow. Because it never stops. Yeah, I guess you're much busier. I'm a big shot. Yeah.

The chicks, they're fucking going crazy, right? With their bush. So how does he leave the chat? You just don't. Why are you looking at it? Why is he even going to WhatsApp unless he has other things to do on WhatsApp? He has other things to do. So then don't look at that one.

Turn off notifications. Turn off notifications for that group. I think you can do that. Yeah, you probably should. Look at all these names of ladies. You think I'm going to talk to fucking Todd? Todd R.? That's your brother.

A teacher in Japan? Do you rename them Todd R.? Or is that his actual name? No, that's his name. He's my buddy. Alright, good man. I think you can change the notification without necessarily having to leave the group.

Yeah, we get it. I want to go through J. Moore's WhatsApp. Let's take a break, thank some sponsors. Jake will go through J. Moore's WhatsApp. We'll be back on the other side of these comments and advertisements after this. Quick note to let y'all know Jake will go through Jay Moore's WhatsApp. Why? We'll be back on the other side of these comments. Just Japanese students learning. And advertisements after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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And we're back. You were on our favorite seasons of snl really yeah the 93 94 95 i was just looking up before you got here to see if you were on in any matt foley sketches and you were do you i was in i like how you knew nothing about me but agreed to have me as a guest and i love that you don't hide it and I love I actually do love it you're not a phony and you live in fear of being a phony and you're never a phony

I thought I knew a lot the stand up reference earlier when I said I saw you do stand up but you couldn't remember the joke or the name of my podcast what I'm here to promote

or you know August 11th Saturday August 11th Melrose Improv 20 bucks me 90 minutes. That's it. I do 90 straight minutes.

That's great. I don't know if they're in a row, you know. Maybe I take a little pit stop. Quick pee. Yeah. You know, maybe Jake's there. We got to all pull the comedy club over so you can go pee in a bottle. That's nice.

That kombucha. I'm sorry. in a bottle that's nice of that that kombuchi that's um what did I'm sorry I was saying do you remember being literally being in those sketches the Matt Foley sketches well you know

it was in my best selling book about Saturday Night Live called Gasping for Airtime wow you know because I'm the only person that wrote a book about being

actually that was there um but I'll send you a copy please and we'll get a time machine let's do it it was like being on LSD Chris if chris farley's

most beautiful human being ever met my life it was like feeling the sun on your back he was the two years i was on saturday night live he was sober and first thing he was really hand like really handsome in real life like nicholson like, like he'd wear the, you know, I always love those dudes that have like the sunglass, the prescribed sunglasses, but inside they don't like on on my other glasses. I get to walk around with my fucking blue tinted, cool Ray Bans all day. I wish I had needy glasses just so I could pull that off.

But, uh, he was just like a really handsome guy and he was beautiful. Like just so gentle and sweet. And, uh, yeah yeah I was in a couple motivational speaker sketches but if you want to hear the greatest Farley story

ever told I guess no I'll put my name on that is me and David Tell shared an office and if you want to make sure like nothing gets done take the two fucking

club comics and just go you guys do sketches for like sure where are the pencils the what now because everyone's for like typing in sketches and hitting a send this to be printed button two fucking club comics and just go, you guys do sketches. We're like, sure. Where are the pencils? The what now?

Because everyone's for like typing in sketches and hitting a send this to be printed button. We just fucking handed it in. Like dear pen pal letters. And Chris Farley comes in like two in the morning. There's no reason for him to be there because he doesn't have to write. He's Farley. He's a genius.

And he goes, hey, what are you guys doing? And we both said, we'll pay you $100 to shit out the window. But we said at the same time, like creepy twins, like come play with us, Danny. At the exact same time, David Tell and I said, we'll give you $100 to shit out the window. And then we looked at each other and we looked back at Farley. He goes, give me the money first. And we were like, oh, my God, it's on, like panicked. Like when he's downtown and he knows there's no fucking restroom that's going to have him,

like no bathroom. You know what you say all the time? Well, then where do you pee? Because I'll go where you go. Where do you pee? And they're like, all right, they give you the fucking key and it's attached to a fucking Haitian guy. That's right.

Like, just tell you, it's okay, my friend. So he, we had to get 100 bucks, and including, it was $3 in coins. It was exactly $100, and he puts the paper money in his pocket, and he lifted across my desk the far side end of it, and he picked it up. He was like Herculean.

And like in a cartoon, Amir, the change slid down the desk, ding, into his pocket like how you would make a cartoon how you do that like ding ding ding ding ding 100 yeah and he drops my desk and he opens this giant like old ass window a 30 rock and he crawls up on the ledge the only thing inside the building is the tip of his nose. Oh, my God. His hands that are on his knees and his toes. It's the 17th floor. He could have fallen out.

And that's making us laugh more. Like, when you laugh, like, around mushrooms. You know, everyone listening has had that laugh where you actually have to stand up and leave the room or you'll die. Like, something's not right with my whole. Start to hurt. Nothing involuntary is involuntary. Like heartbeat and fucking none of my organs.

Like you just got to go. Yeah. And we're dying. We're punching each other. We are literally punching each other's dicks. We're laughing so hard. We are literally

punching each other's dick. And it became obvious, and I do talk, I say this on stage, so I don't want you to think I'm trying bits out on you, but he, it was obvious right away that Chris did not have to shit at all.

He's purple with effort. The window is resting on the back of his neck and it's rattling from that, like, from effort. And he's doing Farley, but like, son of a, well, if I could just get a little bit out there, Davey and JJ, oh yeah. He's got a snot bubble, like that great, like the fucking Gary Oldman one in Sid and Nancy where you're like, if I could do that, I'd get an Oscar too. Fuck, oh, he didn't get the Oscar, nevermind. And after like two minutes, which I don't think is an exaggeration. If you've ever seen like one Fig Newton without the Newton.

One. Like same size, same shape and color. Taste. I'll guess. Definitely taste. But you didn't step in it. I'll guess consistency. It felt like the snow through the window behind him.

It fell from his ass into the office onto my fucking desk. What? He shat? He jumps off the ledge, wipes his ass with his hand. Oh my god. Because there's no toilet paper. There's no paper because we're not writing. Oh my god. Wipes his ass with his hand. There's a box set of Otis Redding that Lorne got Dave Attell for his birthday

and we cut a, well, Attell cut a hole where Otis Redding's mouth goes and just kept lighting cigarettes like he was smoking. We were like a mush, we weren't well. So Farley wipes his ass with his hand and becomes like

this shithand zombie man, like, like hands outstretched like Scooby-Doo Ghoul. Jesus Christ. And big high goose steps slow and me and Atel, you've seen 30 Rock on TV.

It's enormous. It's two blocks. You Attell, you've seen 30 Rock on TV. It's enormous. It's two blocks. You can only photograph it by helicopter. We are just ass and elbows. And even though he's walking, he's always right behind us, like in a movie. And there's this one part of the hallway that goes to Lorne's office, and it gets narrower and narrower, probably by design. And there's bookshelves, and you can only go single file.

And I am a year removed from wrestling in college right and david tell passes me like he's on a fucking spaceship he just goes right past me i'm like fuck that and i should have conceded because my right shoulder hits the bookshelf my shoulder comes out and goes like your grandma taking off her bra at the table, like goes around my body. That's what it felt like. And like, I used to say, I don't know if I got knocked out or not, but it's like a nap when you're like, I don't know if I napped or not. Like, then you did.

Because you definitely know if you did not. I just remember looking up and that shithand's coming. He's like, eh, eh. Oh, God. And I got to think fast. And I go, fuck. It's the best acting I've ever done in my life. I go, fuck you. I'm fake crying. Like, tears are flying. I go, fuck. It's the best acting I've ever done in my life. I go, fuck you.

I'm fake crying. Like, tears are flying. I go, fuck you, Farley. I broke my fucking shoulder. I have to go to the hospital. And he just stood up and goes, really? And I just ran to the elevator and went home. And I went under the covers in my apartment.

And I didn't come back in for, like, two days. Because of his really was so innocent and beautiful like he was really genuinely concerned that another person was injured like really like he was so sorry but like the shit and like i don't i don't know how to explain it if i saw him again and then the weekend happened i wasn't in any sketches so i just skipped the show and i had panic attacks so i stayed home anyway oh no is that why you left SNL? No, I really wasn't invited back.

Got it. They do like, we'll give you a two week extension when they're supposed to, like they're supposed to let you know let's say July 14th and they go, two week extension? You go,

sure. And then that day rolls around and they go, we need another two week extension and they ask for a third and my agent at the time, Ruthann Secunda goes, in my experience,

if people need three, four extensions, they're really not sure if they want to work with you. And I went, oh, yeah. Man, fuck them. So then I did the Jeff Foxworthy show and then I did Jerry Maguire. Yes, holy shit. It's funny that you were on, between like 93 and 96,

you worked with Chris Farley and Tom Cruise. Would you say you're the only person who worked with both? I'm really going to think about that. Who else? Tom does like those cameos, like when he's like the agent. Right, maybe Ben Stiller or something. Was that Tropic Thunder? Yeah.

Maybe one of those guys did. But they were both great dudes. Tom Cruise is a great guy, man. People make fun of that guy. That guy changed my life. Really? He did? Oh, yeah. He was great. Do you have. Tom Cruise is a great guy, man. People make fun of that guy. That guy changed my life. Really? He did? Oh, yeah.

He was great. Do you have a Tom Cruise story? Can we just roll more stories? Can we just do that? You asked me about the actual motivational speaker sketches. Yeah. When you see the space shuttle reentering and it's on fire, you're like, Jesus Christ, I'm watching a disaster. And then you hear the pilot go, we're going to rotate the limb.

I don't know why there's a lunar module on a fucking spaceship. I don't know why you have space talk. Three, click, two, five. It's like that, but inverse. Like you're outside is the pilot voice. And you're inside. You're like, he just must my hair, but I'm wearing a wig and it's sliding down my face. And he knows when the camera's not on him.

So he goes, how about you, young fella? And he goes, cross-eyed. And you're just cracking up. Oh, so he's like trying to get you to play. Absolutely. There's always something when we dress in air that's a surprise. Like we did one, Scared Straight, with Martin Lawrence. That's the one we just watched this morning.

And when he comes out with all the sweat on the, I think they took part of dress rehearsal and part of air, because one part of the sketch is covered in sweat that was live so when he came out live that was the first time we had seen him

drenched his entrance he was just soaking wet like with a hose like he was just sweating in jail like from a rape or something

and he's like hola bitches and he makes that mistake live he's supposed to say sold seven bitches to the homie in the cornrows and to say sold seven bitches to the homie in the cornrows and he goes sold seven bitches to the homie in the horny row oops and he looks in the camera and goes oops he says right in the camera and we had a gag worked out where you know

we're all supposed to like break through the wall uh when him and martin lawrence when he runs through the wall we all run out out to escape of the jail. And then we all were like, let's land on top of Chris so he can't get back in and say live from New York. And it was Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler, Spade, me. So at least five of us. And maybe like, I don't know if like Fred Wolf was in there hanging out or what, like maybe six, seven. And he picked us up like leaf bags. He literally just lifted us like laundry.

There was nothing you could do. Wow. Predator prey. We were prey, like out of my way, showtime. Live from New York. I didn't realize that was a cold open. It might not have. He had to get back in to say something because I just remember him lifting us like it was nothing and I had panic attacks

so bad I just got prescribed Klonopin and the pants they gave me for that sketch didn't have pockets like this little pocket above your right pocket in jeans

that's the Klonopin pocket I didn't know that that's where you keep like a Xanax or something when you fly right and I was like who the fuck

gives a guy a pants with no pockets who Jerry Se like who the fuck gives a guy a pants with no pockets who jerry seinfeld wardrobe who gives a guy pants with no pockets red pants and i had to hold colonopin in my hand and i had sweaty hands and in pockets and i had to like calibrate the space between my fingers where enough air got to those pills in case i needed them but not so much that they roll out onto the floor on live tv but then not so much that they roll out onto the floor on live TV but then not so much

that they get wet and disintegrate from my clammy hands like that's what's going on in my mind and I'm like I don't know what I'm saying on the cue card

I don't know what color I am because there's a different colored marker per character I don't have any lines but I sat there for four minutes going what the fuck

color am I and then he runs through the wall and I'm like oh no lines okay let's go and we did one all in Spanish yeah the yo soy and that's the one where he went cross-eyed on me and and made my wig slide down my head and between dress and air Lorne Michaels goes and Jay can um can we maybe not laugh during live television sketch I was like you got it as if you were the only one breaking.

You got it, buddy. That shit, that was exactly like being, if you've never done mushrooms, well, you've never been on SNL during a motivational speaker sketch, but that was like being on mushrooms. It was so, like, who else is sharing what I'm sharing right now?

Right, there's only like five people on earth who have felt that. Yeah, he was the most front man of any front man. I'm sharing right now. Right. There's only like five people on earth. Yeah. Who have felt that. Yeah. He was the most front man of any front man. Like Jim Morrison, Cobain. Like they couldn't hold his fucking jock in a million years. I swear to God. I swear by all flowers as E.E. Cummings would write.

That was the absolute front man of all time. Like I'm getting choked up talking about him. I wasn't friends with him. Like we weren't friends. I just worked with him. But like that's the power, man. I wasn't friends with him. Like, we weren't friends. I just worked with him. But, like, that's the power, man. I don't know how we recover from hearing that story. Recover?

You say that like... No, like, what am I supposed to ask you another question? You should probably do what you do. Nah, I'm not interested in that. Yeah, it's just like, it's all meaningless after you hear a story about Bart. I disagree. What's that? I disagree, man.

These people, you know, day one was the last email. That's right. Joe Barroso was like, day one. Joe Barroso's the day one. I don't know how to not answer fucking text from people going to an aunt we don't even like or close with. His admission. Remember that time we saw the side of her head when she was leaving church and we avoided her? Like, yeah, she was a great lady.

It was so nice to not talk to her that day. All right. Why'd you kill her? That's a better question. To get on Dateline? Here's a short one just to end the show. End the show. It bookends the pee question pretty well

because it's about wiping your ass. Do you have a guy's name? Me? Yeah. You want to do one? I know you're the man. Oddly, this is from ricky henderson wow really or what an honor he's still playing uh ricky henderson writes

i'd like to know your opinion on what your poa is for cleanup on aisle ass do you stand or do you sit one ply two ply computer paper do you go back to front or front to back do you sit? One-ply, two-ply, computer paper? Do you go back to front or front to back? Do you just plug and twist like Fun Dip? John Ralph? Let's start over. What's POA? Yeah, I don't know. POA is, I don't know. Poop Unrival? Yeah, it's some sort of

military. Read that as Forrest Whitaker or something. You're the impression guy. POA is you just plug it like Fun Dip. That's a really good Forrest Whitaker or something. You're the impression guy. You got nothing. POA is, you just plug it like, fund it. That's a really good Forrest Whitaker.

I appreciate that. I wouldn't even know where to start. Ben uses flushable wipes. How do you feel about those? Anyway, love listening to your show. Happy wiping.

Who's Ben? Our buddy Ben Schwartz uses flushable wipes. You should use flushable wipes. Is that what you use? Well, in addition to, first of all, nobody knows what one

ply of toilet paper even looks like I think we have some We have it at the office It's awesome Yeah because you guys Do this from a fucking Nap safety shoe

Instructional video So they gotta save money I guess It's thin It's thin The walls are thin The floor is thin The toilet paper is thin

Your audience is Males Major I know you have females Yeah You know 25 to 4 Like the demographic you want yeah this motherfucker is asking you if you go front to back or back to front no you go back to front that way your balls

have shit on them all day like what are you talking about ricky well this is ricky you know how to wipe his ass this is one of the things that you never really learn my crack and i get to the tip of my dick nobody's how i wipe and that's why it takes me so long to shake off at the urinal because i get shit on my fingers who teaches you the tip who teaches you tell I wipe. And that's why it takes me so long to shake off at the urinal because I get shit on my fingers. Who teaches you who teaches you how to wipe your ass? It's not a thing that happens.

People wipe your ass and then eventually you do it for yourself. Your parents teach you how to wipe your ass. You just don't remember it. It does. By the way,

being intuitive is also like being a code breaker. It was a very telling sentence right there. Yeah, that nobody taught me how to wipe my ass. You were left alone a lot. Yeah.

You were left to your own, not, you know, just you were left to your own devices. Either that or my mom still wipes my ass. I don left alone a lot. Yeah. You were left to your own, not, you know, just you were left to your own devices. Either that or my mom still wipes my ass, so like I don't even know how she does it.

We're not jerking off anymore though, so. You ever use a bidet? Yeah, I've used a bidet to jack off. That's like getting fucked by a hawk. I have a bidet.

My apartment in Malibu, there's like this, for some reason, there's a bidet. It's like, it's smaller than this room. There's not even a table in the apartment. But there's a bidet. In the toilet, it's smaller than this room. There's not even a table in the apartment.

But there's a bidet. In the toilet, there's this bidet, so I just cranked that shit up my asshole one day when I was jacking off. It was nice. Hell yeah. Yeah. Come on over. I'm going to go there after this. Alright. Caught a perch. I go, I caught a perch this morning. Jake goes, what's a perch? I go, it's kind of bear.

And I believed until I saw a picture of a fish. And now I'm still confused as to whether or not that was a fish-shaped bear the other way around. I like the way your mind works. How do you feel? Oh, so you go, I'm a, I guess, like you said. Can I read that whole thing as like impression, like spin the wheel of anybody you want? I don't do impression. No, I'll do it.

Oh, yeah. So we get to choose the impression. Stuff not to say Chris Walken just because it's one of your... If you like it, then... Yeah. You want to read this as Chris Walken? Sure. All right, here we go.

Christopher Walken. There's nothing on the screen. How do you make these up? Yeah, it's from Ricky Henderson, number 24. Hi, Jake and's up. Yeah, that's from Ricky Henderson, number 24. Hi, Jake and Amir. I would like to know your opinion on what your POA is for cleanup on ILS. Do you stand up or do you sit one ply, two ply, or computer paper? Do you go back to front, front to back, or do you just plug and twist like a fun dip what's this person's name uh who's that boy oh john ralphio that's our buddy ben john ralphio

uses flushable wipes that's crazy how do you feel about those? Anyway, love listening to your show. Happy wiping. Cheers, Ricky. I just hit a double. Turn two. Ice on balls. So Chris Walken as Ricky Henderson asking us how you wipe your ass. That's a first for us. Ten year.

I got 18 year. Is there a specific answer, like you said? What's computer paper? Computer paper. I think that's got to be. He's being funny? Yeah. So he's a funny audience member.

Yeah. That's good to know. Plug and plug. Stand up. I stood up until I was 18. Well, then you always had shit on your cheeks. I sure did. Wait, you stood up all the way or you like the power?

I stood up, turned around, and would face the toilet as I wiped. Really? Insane. Face the toilet? Dude, I don't know. I didn't even... We had a very passive, traumatic childhood. I'm not teasing that at all.

I did? Yeah. I think we're a very similar childhood. It's like nobody taught me to brush my teeth or comb my fucking hair. You see like right when my mom got sober when I was 12 all of a sudden

my shit's like combed down the middle. I'm like nice. All my fever blisters are gone. No more AIDS. Wow. Well I don't want

to get it again. No congrats on beating it by the way. Thank you buddy. We've extolled the virtues of bidets so I'll do it again. Get a bidet.

It's not a difficult addition to your toilet, and it's a game changer. Go front to back. I mean, Christ. Yeah, front to back bidet. He went front to back. Christ did. Jesus? The thief not named.

It's Barabbas, Jesus, and who? Some guy off to the side of the stage the other night goes, it's Barabbas. I go, thanks. Did you fucking Shazam that? Like, what the fuck? How do you know how it's said? Some guy said it to you. But there's a thief not named.

There's a thief on either side of Christ. They never say the other guy's name. Oh, right. Because Barabbas is the guy. He's Daniel Baldwin. Barabbas is the guy that got taken off the cross for Jesus Christ. Right. He was like the Che Guevara of like that area

because christ was from nazareth he was like you know if it was modern times they'd be throwing rocks at tanks and they were like trouble right right like fuck the authority man this money shit like there's a better way that's cool and they're like no barbus that's our lead singer and the third guy's like i don't even get a fucking name shut up Danny Baldwin you hush it's up to us to interpret his name for him so you wipe front to back sitting down

I like to spread my ass cheeks before I shit because I wipe my ass interminably how about this I wipe my ass for far too long and sometimes I gotta get in the shower. Wow, the post-shit shower. Oh, I'm a big shower guy post-shit.

We had very similar childhoods, clearly. Yeah, and it's like maybe it's your diet. I had a girlfriend tell me it's like you got to take psyllium husks, but the whole bottle just goes, don't choke. You're going to choke on these unless you drink a gallon of water per two. I'm like, what the fuck is in this capsule that I can choke to death? It's going to clean out my colon? I would take a pill that made it so that every time I shit, I get one of those magic. I wipe and it's just already.

You have to eat toilet paper. Bruce, fair enough, a comedian, never had toilet paper in his house. He had so much like not sponsored Metamucil or something like that. He goes, we're the only animal that wipes our ass because it's what we eat. So we had a very specific diet and a lot of whatever that. He goes, we're the only animal that wipes our ass because it's what we eat. So we had a very specific diet and a lot of whatever that stuff is called, like it's actual job,

whatever that's called. Yeah. And he said he never had to wipe his ass. That's insane. Well, you at least check. Shouldn't he at least check? He just did walk.

At least check. He just did it perfectly. I'm being serious. What is his accent, by the way? It's Queens, New York. My parents had a toilet chain and flushing. I'll be walking.

This actually happened. Ask me what my wife does for a living. What does your wife do for a living? Who, bitch? That was the answer. Oh, my God. Ask me what the worst part about doing the deer hunter was. What's the worst part?

What was the worst part about doing deer hunter? The slopes. This really happened too? Yes. That's crazy. Everything I say happened. Otherwise, I can't do the impression. I feel like a fucking, I think I might go a little something like this.

So you wipe front to back rolling agreement. Yeah. And we use toilet paper provided. Period. Yeah. So if it's one ply, you can just make it two ply. Right. You don't have to like.

Fold it up. Yeah. You got it. Very nice. And while seated. Crumple it, not crumple it. Because when you stand up, you're putting like your ass cheeks over. I do, yeah.

Like the prairie dog's head there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I can't get the shit off with toilet paper, I'll hop in the shower. Because it'll ruin my day. It's a full body bidet. It'll ruin my day. Buddy, you are fucking awesome.

That was so genuine. It is genuine. It is a full body bidet. I was in eastern Pennsylvania visiting my family last weekend, or last week, and I just couldn't wipe it, so I just went in the shower with my full body bidet. Yeah. And I just crouched where only the tub part was going. You can just shit in the shower.

That's what I had to do. Jump in the toilet. You got to get fingers involved in everything. This ain't right. You never know when you're going to be asked to show that starfish. That's right. What's PLA? Since we're out of time, do you have any last things you wanted to promote, plug, mention before we have to get out of here?

No, I'm just happy to be with you guys for real. If you guys are in L.A. listening, Hollywood Improv. Improv. Improv on Melrose by Fred Siegel. It's only 20 bucks August 11th and two weeks after another Saturday

it's on their website but yeah I don't really give a shit listen to my podcast hit subscribe you don't have to listen to it just hit subscribe I don't know

it's actually better if you don't listen for bandwidth purposes just come up to me in the street and go what's up Eagle well that's cool

something weird sweet that way that way they know they listen to this show specifically. Yeah. It's like a specific coupon code for you. Like if he can be Prince and Sting and The Edge and Bono, I'm Eagle. Yeah.

And I'll hook you up. I'll drop a... Because Sting's not going to go... Yeah, no, he would never. His name's Gordon. People don't know that. Method Man. Clifford.

Really? Yeah, fuck these guys. Make your own destiny, I guess. Let's get rich. Let's just get some fucking money. That's what it's about, man. Fuck Tucker. Tucker sucks.

If you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address is ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. Luke was so good, he sent us a closing theme song, too. So thank Luke Knutson, and thanks to Jay Moore for coming by. Thank you. Regaling us with your stories. Appreciate it, sir. That was the show from J&A. Did they help you survive your day?

You had a problem, they had the cure. They told you what you didn't even know before. Oh, J&A, did you even help us at all? Oh, Jenny. Tell me what I can do. Ora do na no. I'll email to if I were you. It's not just any other podcast show That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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