Segments - 343: Tom Cruise

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

In this episode we discuss Jake's birthday, stupid cats, and Mission Impossible.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. J. Keith's mom has got it going on. J. Keith's mom has got it going on. J. Keith's mom has got it going on. Chicky's mom has got it going on. Chicky's mom has got it going on.

Chicky cannot come over after school. After school. We can meet up here. Here's a chipmunk too. Chipmunk too Did your mom get back from her shopping trip? Shopping trip I like the way she bakes and how she makes chocolate chip

Chocolate chip And I know that she's married I need some advice Cause if she gets with me I'll take her to club paradise Jakey's mom Has got it going on She's all I want

And your dad seems like such a charm Jakey don't you see Really love your mom's cookies I really need to know If I wear you to a podcast show. Fuck you, John. The fuck was that? So it was just a parody of Stacy's mom, but it was about your mom. But it was about my mother.

Yeah, it's called Jakey's mom. Yeah, it made me feel quite uncomfortable. This guy says, that's rice. I'm back. I wrote a We That's rice. I'm back. I wrote a Weezer parody. I noticed all you did was make fun of my Instagram name, so I have, for the record, illegally changed my name from

Jax1 underscore to Jance1. Try making fun of that. I make music with a band called Club Paradise. Find us on at this club. This is Club Paradise on Instagram. Also, come to Newcastle in England.

Also, I'm calling out my friend John. He will listen to this, and I'm challenging him to a contest where we write intro songs. This can only be good for us. Yeah, this is great. This guy's great. He did the Weezer song, and now he's back. Check him out on Instagram, Jance1. Jance1.

I actually would be down for him to be my daddy. Huh? Now that I think about it, my dad is a little bit of a chump. A wiener. You want this guy to- A schnitzel. A wiener schnitzel. Yes. Would you be okay if you found out one of your friends was dating your mother?

Dating? Were they in love? Yes. Dating Were they in love? Yes Your mom says I'm in love With Sean Jost From last week's episode

Sean I might understand Anybody else I'd be pissed Yeah But Sean can be your stepfather For the afternoon Yeah I already call him zaddy He can be your step zaddy What about a Kiki Challenge Jakey song So as long as this guy's Gonna write another song Yeah, I already call him Zaddy. He could be your step-Zaddy.

What about a Kiki Challenge Jakey song? So as long as this guy's going to write another song, it could be the Jakey, Do You Love Me? And then we can have the Jakey Challenge, which is people driving outside of their car to the Kiki parody song that Jantz writes. You know a lot about pop culture. Yeah, it's popular, this culture. You don't know about the Kiki Challenge? I don't. You just dated yourself. Oh, and it was wonderful.

I'm such a gentleman. No, it is a very popular mamey. Right. It is on Instagram. I live in a hole. And people are dancing. They're dancing outside their car as their cars are moving? That's right. They're ghost riding their whip. I see. Is this because you've been planning your wedding? You've sort of shielded yourself off to everything else in

the outside world? It's not like I don't want to, but yeah, that is what's happening. I like, I don't, I haven't looked at Instagram today. Isn't that crazy? crazy is that a is that legal like it's 4 20 p.m yeah but i like worked out in the early morning and then i was just like phone calls driving running errands looking at invitations and place cards and all this well not invitations those are done you know what i mean but like no i don't know basically as busy as you are with like regular work and then you stop and distract yourself with something else yeah i stop doing regular work and i'm distracted by a wedding thing so a wedding thing is like a part-time job but you don't make money you lose money you make like an event exactly you just sort of do worse at everything else in your life and you slowly

waste money for a year and then when your party happens you're eating dinner and listening to speeches and at the end of the night the money's gone but you have a memory of an event that's why you slowly waste money for a year. And then when your party happens, you're eating dinner and listening to speeches, and at the end of the night, the money's gone, but you have a memory of an event called a wedding. Yeah, and you pay the photographer a pretty penny for some choice photos. That's right, and where do those photos go? Nowhere, ever.

I'll put one on Instagram, and everybody better fucking like it because it cost me an arm and a leg. Can you afford it? No, I can't afford it arm and a leg can you afford it no i can't afford it no i can't afford it at all but that's why i have so many people helping pay for it my parents jill's parents jill uh everybody is donating to this charity this is my wedding and it's my special night and they give me cash and then i get there and everyone celebrates me and they give a speech for me this is your this is your speech at my wedding i'll bribe you with chicken

and steak and then you have to come and sing to me you think you're so important don't you i'm drinking a glass of wine no i'm serious you haven't even had a sip yet. Oh, yeah. Raise a glass. What's your name again? I'm so fucked up from the grape juice. We're recording this before your wedding. It comes out the week of your wedding. Oh, the week that I'm in New York to be wed. Yeah, to prepare for the wed.

Wow. The wed will be dead by the time the following episode comes out. That's cool. So for now, you're still completely unmarried, just like me. Bachelor baby. You can do whatever you want. Yeah. Ain't no ring.

Ain't no thing. You are wearing a ring, though. Yeah, well, I have to try it on to get used to it, brother. And it burns. This ring of fire. down down uh this is a fire you it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me i'm amir i'm jake and we got some questions from people who are in a sticky situation they're in a difficult place in their lives. They want our advice because we're now both in our mid thirties. That's right. Jake's 33. Trey, Trey, baby. That great Larry Bird jersey, 33.

Yeah, dude. I'm the Jesus age. Which makes you a little bit of a loser, a little bit of a miser, and a little bit wiser. And I'm wearing the goat jersey right now. Special shout out to Amir Blumenfeld and LeBron James, the goat himself. This was my birthday present. Jersey number 23. That's right. That's how old I feel. I don't know about you.

I don't know about ye, but I'm feeling 23. That's right. I don't know about ye, but I'm feeling 33. Everything will be out my back. It really hurts me. So these are questions that I found today. Questions from real people. We're going to give them fake names just to preserve their, one last time, anonymity.

Here's one about D&D since you're feeling 33 and you're playing D&D. Oh, dude, I played five hours of D&D yesterday. Shit was emotional. I'm sorry to hear that. Don't be sorry to hear it. It was, honestly, the wedding's probably going to be pretty good, but yesterday was the best day of my life. Well, you didn't even have to throw your wedding under the bus. It hasn't even happened yet.

Well, probably nothing's going to top what happened yesterday. I won't spoil it because the episode hasn't come out yet. If you think that, at the very least, you shouldn't say that on this podcast. And don't say it on the day. Don't be like, this is an amazing day. It's part of my vows. I'm not saying it's not as good as my D&D.

I'm not saying, oh, I love you as much as D&D. I'm saying, like... Don't even, like, tread lightly. You don't even have to bring it up at all. I want to be like, this is one of the best days of my life. And that way, like, leaves some room for interpretation.

Everybody knows that, like, I'm happier when I'm wearing D&D. You don't even have to mean it. Just say, this is the best day of my life. I don't want to say it. No, because I don't like to lie. I like, this is one of the best days of my life. D&D is just lying, by the way.

You're just creating a story. Pretend you're creating a story. I play Hard One Surefoot, Bastard of the Mountain, Pride of the Dwarfenage, The Great Axe of Iron Deep, The Oft Dead. Your vows. Will you take me, you fair maiden? You wench voyage

lady. And Hard One takes you. Kiss me. Alright, this is a question. A a guy what do we want to call this guy uh it's a dnd thing let's call him old cob that's a guy from our campaign all right old cob writes this is my situation i'm gonna be his voice Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, I don't know, man. So, old cod. Not cod. You piece of shit. You learned cod for the first time. So, corn rights. I'm going to be a senior in college this coming fall

and just ended my junior year with an amicable breakup with my girlfriend of a few months. We both agreed to end things since there would be a distance issue during the summer and we didn't want to force it. Well, we left things on good terms and agreed to try to reconnect in the future, but I haven't talked to her since. Here's my dilemma. While we were still dating last semester, one of her roommates started planning a D&D campaign for a few of her friends and offered for me to join. I never played before, but since I regularly listen to Not Another D&D campaign for a few of her friends and offered for me to join. I never played before,

but since I regularly listen to Not Another D&D Podcast, I was super excited to start and even created a whole character for myself with a backstory and everything. After the breakup, though, I figured I was out of the game, but my ex's roommate recently messaged me and said I'm still welcome to play if I wanted to.

So my question is this. Should I agree to play? Would you guys play in a long-running table game at your ex-girlfriend's apartment still welcome to play if I wanted to. So my question is this, should I agree to play? Would you guys play in a long running table game at your ex-girlfriend's apartment with her roommate? I love things in a good place with the girl I dated, but having not talked to her all summer, things might be weird. Especially if the first time I see her again, I'm role playing as a forest giant in her living room. I really just want to get into the game, but I don't want to be inconsiderate to my ex and make things weird.

I figured Jake might have some wisdom since he's becoming quite the D&D nerd himself. Thanks for the help. Huge fan. Love, Old Cobb. Old Cobb. First of all, cool character. Forest giant.

Sounds awesome. I really am blinded by love for D&D in this. I think he should play. So you should like, but is it easy to create a campaign? Like can you just join another campaign or it's not that easy? It's not that simple because like I think D&D is one of those things where you, it's really, it's fun to like just jump in and play as a character, but it's kind of hard to find somebody

who's a dm it's like a very generous undertaking that somebody does they like design the entire game and like make up a bunch of characters and stories and monsters and like guide this whole group through all of the role playing and the action yeah but can you just sort of like blindly stumble into a library, into the fucking erotica or fantasy section and grab a nerd who will like lead your little nerd party for the next six months like you'll do, you fucking

greasy ass little pale loser. Kidnap someone with bad skin and just make them DM. Can you imagine if you're a huge nerd and you also didn't like D&D? I mean, at that point, what's the fucking... That's you. What are you talking about? You're a huge nerd and you also didn't like D&D? I mean, at that point, what's the fucking point? What are you talking about? You're a huge nerd.

Yeah, right. You're a greasy, math-loving dweeb. Well, I love D&D. Cryptocurrency. I'm actually a DM. You should just, well, you should try to come up with a character. That's sort of like the first step. I thought I came up with a character.

Yeah, but you didn't fully embrace it. A magical calculator with a gnome hat that emerges from trees when everybody mentions numbers. That's cool. Really? Well, you couldn't really be a magical calculator in D&D. Hello. Did somebody say boobless? Never mind. I actually do like the character bye-bye this would definitely work eight times three that's 24 for me hello i'm a jewish abacus

call me abigail crunching the numbers here Abacus. Call me Abigail. Crunching the numbers here. Four. What did you roll? Let me add them up. Did somebody say nine? Oh, what a fail.

Is nine good or bad? Probably be bad. Awesome. It's pretty bad. All right. So you're saying go for it because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What's the worst that can happen? You're on amicable terms. I think you did the right thing by not, like, trying your hardest to play. But if the roommate reached out, then I think, I guess you have to assume that she probably cleared that with.

Yeah, I feel like I would want to be reaching out to the girl be like hey just so you know your roommate reached out and wanted me to play so i'm going to arrive on the day having had a character in mind so you know and then i'm not just surprising you that way but that way you still get to play you gave the girl a heads up if it was like a non-amical split amicable split if you cheated on her she cheated on you and there's this like weird animosity can that have you ever noticed that like in person situations infiltrate the game where it's like whoa now we're like because we were arguing about who should pay for pizza now your character is a little crabby in the world yeah i've heard of that on like our

subreddit like or not somebody might have written in to our podcast about it which is what maybe it was no maybe it's on the dnd subreddit just that like sometimes the character like the dynamic between friends can be kind of like fraught and you know it's not often that you get a group of people that just like plays really really well together yeah um but so so i guess that's like a reason to give this a shot if you think you're gonna have fun and you want to learn to play dnd then like you don't want to let something like your ex lives in that house stop you because you're not in the house when you're playing you are in the fictional realm

of bohemia well that's where you are yeah i don't know the name of their world. Is there like a D&D campaign that takes place like in Reseda? And it's like, I walk into a Panda Express and I order a two-item combo. All right, roll. There are definitely role-playing games like that. It's not D&D per se, but there are role-playing games where you can play in a now campaign. Oh, I see. And it's just like whatever, everyday life. Yeah.

But I think even then you would probably be like, I walk into Reseda, I order at Panda Express. There's an explosion in the back. What do you do? Would you ever join another fantasy league? Like another D&D thing? That's right. Yeah, I would definitely do another D&D thing.

Would it be hard to keep your story straight? Like, wait, did I kill myself here? Or was that in another world? I think with two characters, I'd be able to keep it pretty straight. I know hard one surefoot like the back of my fucking hand. And I think it'd be fun to do a campaign that wasn't recorded so I could just really be loose. Yeah, just say some really fucked up things.

Yeah, fucking no filter. Yeah. I don't have that much of fucked up things. Yeah, fucking no filter. Yeah. I don't have that much of a filter anyway. I got sued last week. But it would be fun to be a different character. How interested are you at this point in playing D&D? I'll never force

myself into your game, but if you guys all came to me and really wanted me to play, I would. You would come and play in earnest. You wouldn't just come and be like, I'm Jewish calculator boy. Yeah. Because I'm not going to fucking risk it if you're like,

like, this is hard one sure foot here we're talking about. I don't want you to come onto the podcast and be like, uh-huh, I pants hard one. That's the only thing you don't want me to do is to just ridicule your character? Well, my character would kill you if you did. Yeah, right.

I've got ninja skills from a calculator with eyes. I would definitely make sure that Murph made you a level five so you had less attacks than I did. If I ever wanted to prank you IRL, I would say, everyone, let's secretly convince me to join the game. And then when I join the game, everyone love me and hate Hard1. And then I'll kill Hard1. And you murder you from the game. That would just ruin my life. Well, it would be like, we're just fucking with you.

This isn't a real episode. Meanwhile, I'm crying. I know. I know. Hard1 didn't take it too personally. Hurwitz, on the other hand, is acting crying. I know. I know. Hard one didn't take it too personally. Hurwitz on the other hand is acting like a real loser. But you would do another campaign. Yeah, I think I would.

And I think this guy, I guess I would maybe mention to the girlfriend, like, hey, I'm going to play D&D with your roommate. But I only want to do that if you don't think it's going to be weird, so let me know. All right. Here's a question from a lady. Hey. That's a lady in D&D called. Maribel the Terrible.

Maribel the Terrible Bell writes, I'm a big fan and I badly need your help. I've been dating my boyfriend for six and a half years. Recently, I started hanging out with this guy that's very sexually forward. The first time we hung out, he was very aggressive about flirting and coming on to me. I was hesitant at first, but since then, I've let him come on my face and penetrate me a little. I don't know what to do. Okay.

I don't want to be... You're already doing something. I don't want to be cheating on my boyfriend, but I just can't stop with this other guy. He's kind of freaking into the same shit as me. So the chemistry is insane. My boyfriend encourages me to hang out with him because he's also our dealer and gives me some pretty good prices. And I know I won't stop myself. So what do I do?

I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I love him and I want to be with him. And I also want to get fucked by this other guy. It's purely sexual. So help me, Jake and Amir. You're my only hope. Love, Maribel the Terrible. P.S. Some of the freaky stuff for context is choking, slapping, hair pulling, being held down, general submissive shit, and some pretty steamy fantasies of his that I don't think are appropriate for podcasting.

My boyfriend will do some of these things for me, but not into it in the same way. Okay. Stay safe with your role play. You don't love your boyfriend and want to be with him. You can't love someone and then want to have some weird, kinky, crazy sex with your dealer. Yeah, you don't get to have some weird kinky crazy sex with your dealer yeah you don't you don't get to have both fuck also like she's saying like i don't know what to do like something

awful isn't already being done like like i killed someone and i don't know what to do you've ruined your relationship it that is over you have had an illicit affair where you but it's not over it's not over yet because this guy doesn't know about it. Right. If you actually love your boyfriend, then you should tell him, or I get not wanting to have this conversation. I'm a liar, too. Hell, it's easier not to. Break up with your boyfriend.

You don't even have to tell him. You can just say, hey, this relationship isn't giving me everything that I want. For example, choking and other steamy shit. Like one of the things that you want is to be fucked by your dealer. So your relationship's not giving you that because that's not allowed in your relationship. So you have to say, I don't want to be in this relationship, and I want to be fucked by this dealer. And if you're looking for a way to get out of the relationship,

a great way to do so is by saying, hey, I've been fucking our weed dealer. And then the guy would be like, oh, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And then you could be like, I can't believe you're breaking up with me. Yeah, you could be like, but I love you, and I want to be with you. And then he'll be like, well, I don't want to be with you. And then that sort of makes the decision easy because it's, ah, he decided and you didn't. It's a little weird in like a more general world level that like you can play tennis or get frozen yogurt or hug other people. But as soon as you have sex with other people, a relationship is over.

Like it's hard to like imagine explaining that to an alien. It wouldn't really make sense. It's true. When I put my meat into her meat, then all emotional relations to others that I love are severed. But why won't you love her still? I do. But I did something bad that one time. It doesn't seem so bad.

It looks like urination to me. That's honestly, take me to your planet. Take me to your dealer. Fucking the aliens. Are you into sub shit? Ow. Can I dom? When you pee-peed, was that also cheating?

It looked the same to me. It was. You stuck your dick in a toilet and the liquid came out i cheated on my ex with a toilet that's a maury povich fucking headline can you believe that how is that fair i cheated with my fucking toilet toilet you are the father anyway we're saving that for a family guy we're writing yep yep uh all right let's take a break we'll thank some peoples and then we'll be right back uh after this all right with some more q's and a's thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've

been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's a list. Do it. It's a fight. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Sure do, bud. Everyone should go see Mission Impossible. Fallout.

Yeah, it was awesome. We're not getting paid. This is not an ad. It was just cool. I just liked it. It was long, but I was excited about it because every 30 minutes, the movie resets into a new cool 30-minute movie.

Yeah. I just love how much... I think maybe it's just because action movies have gotten more and more predictable yeah like so often in mission impossible like just you're like oh shit something's gonna go wrong but like you'll get saved at the last second it's like no everything goes so so wrong like wronger than you think it can go in an action movie and they still save it in a quasi clever suspenseful suspenseful way yeah there's

there's uh it's just it's really good i thought all the the actors are great uh henry cavill is yeah that guy was really cool so cool with the mustache and the tall and the strong yeah and the hot and i feel like he as superman like the point is that he's kind of just like boring yeah he's like a little clark kent's sort just like boring. Yeah. He's like a little Clark Kent's sort of like vanilla. Yeah. So seeing him in like a real role was pretty cool. Yeah. And Tom Cruise is awesome. Tom Cruise does all his own stunts, which I always thought was like, okay, so he's the guy that like hold on to a piece of glass on a green screen and they say, oh, he's on a building. That's kind of tough and I respect it, But no, he's actually outside of a building

and he's actually sprinting on a rooftop and jumping onto a different building 30 feet away. And breaking his ankle. Yeah. I can't believe they used the take where he broke his ankle. I guess they were too afraid to do it again, which makes sense. But like, even like they could have picked up

like him climbing over. Yeah, but no, they liked it. Yeah. It's crazy. Like, it's so dumb that he does his own stunts him hobbling away they could have picked up like him climbing over yeah but no they liked it yeah it's crazy like it's so dumb that he does his own stunts that like i almost go all the way around from respecting it to not respecting it again like because they're careful because you'll kill tom cruise yeah like why do you want to do this tom cruise okay so you broke your foot now we have to all go home for seven months are you happy tom cruise you did your own stunts and now we have to change the fucking movie schedule that's because you wanted to do it that is part of it where like

you're like okay tom cruise is going to do this movie um but he won't let anybody do his stunts does he does that it's like somebody having a big trailer you're like all right but tom wants to be the guy on the helicopter yeah and he was actually flying the helicopter so when they were spinning and spiraling out of control in that valley, he learned how to fly a helicopter so he could do that. That's so crazy. Does that make him the best stunt person on earth? Because like, is there not a stunt person who could do the helicopter

and the running and jumping and like the flipping and the fighting? So he learned how to do it all. And then also he's Tom Cruise. Like, is there a chance where he's the best stunt person in Hollywood too? Does he get paid extra for doing his stunts too?

He should get paid extra because everyone's watching this movie for him that like one he says I will risk getting hurt

and then the movie will have to shut down and the movie studio's like alright I'm still down to do it and two he's kind of an insane Scientologist and people are like

eh that's forgivable yeah he's so good at acting and being cool and being Ethan Hunt that people are willing to just completely gloss over. Let all the weird shit slide. The scary, borderline dangerous, evil shit that Scientology does. Yeah. I guess you should also watch Going Clear, the Scientology documentary. Because he's in that too.

Yeah. And he does all his own stunts. Not as good of a light there. He's sort of like taking a backseat a little bit. Like it's not as out in the open Scientology for him since Going Clear came out, I think. Yeah. I guess. I don't know.

I don't really follow it. But it's also funny to me that like he was in Risky Business. Yeah. And like cocktail. He's been famous for 35 years. Like when he was just a charming young actor it's kind of interesting to be like you are going to be 56 and an amazing action star yeah and still sprinting and jumping and looking hot at the same time you're actually dangling from

a helicopter and then hoping that you don't die tom cruise is the man and so am i also wait what i just said tom cruise is the man and he does all his own shit and then what are you you're the man because you watched it while eating popcorn i'm the man too just for unrelated reasons got it tom cruise is also completely like avoided like like you know how will smith has to become more relevant and make his own instagram videos now tom cruise is not like tweeting up a storm or instagramming videos behind the scenes does he have an instagram or twitter you know i checked and he recently did i think for mission impossible but it's like almost like run by his like pr person it's like clips trailers it's not like oh i'm hanging out with this person he's so guarded like i can't imagine a world where tom cruise is driving

or texting on his phone imagine like tom cruise waiting for a sandwich on his iphone like i don't think he does that this is matt this is matt damon he's the new he's the new matt damon but he's like matt damon like matt damon i can't i can imagine him doing normal things but not doing them poorly i can't even imagine tom cruise like going into bed and waking up like what is that process like for tom cruise yeah does tom cruise go to the dentist? The dentist comes to Tom Cruise. The dentist makes a house call for Cruise. And then like when they're shooting, is he at a hotel and like getting picked up in a car and arriving to set? Or does he take his own motorcycle?

Like I don't know who this guy is and what he does. Does he have friends? No. He doesn't have a posse. He's not hanging out with like Tobey Maguire. Does he listen to a podcast? Has Tom Cruise ever listened to a podcast? I to say no i have to say no because i can't fucking handle the reality of tom freaking cruise being a huge fan of my brother my brother and me and not us i think his name is actually tom cruise too which makes it even crazier i agree with so this like

once at once in every other generation a hero is born with a perfect name, a perfect attitude, a perfect body, a perfect face. This generation? Amir Shmuel. Oh, hi there. I can sing and dance. I wonder if he can do that.

You think he can do musical theater just because he can do everything good? I think he can dance. I don't think he can sing. He's still charming as heck. Can Tom Cruise sing? Google it. Can Tom Cruise sing? Google it. Can Tom Cruise sing?

You think he wants to do a comedy? Like, Tropic Thunder style? Well, he has a comedy. Tropic Thunder style. Yeah, but like, starring. He would star in a comedy. Or that would be too dangerous for his brand. Jerry Maguire is like sort of a rom-com.

Did you see American Made, the last movie he was in? Yes. How was that one? It wasn't as good as... I like these... The big blockbuster Tom Cruise. Well, like Jack Reacher and Live, Die, Repeat, or Edge of Tomorrow, that one's called,

and The Mission Impossibles. In those movies, he's the man, and he knows like what's and he like can kick ass um and in american made he's like sort of a pilot who like stumbles onto like dealing with the cartel like he's not an action hero so you don't buy him you don't buy him as a guy who can't do everything yeah it's not the part he was bored to play. Like, why... Right, in American Made, he should have single-handedly

taken down the cartel. Because he's Tom frickin' Cruise, that's why. Can he sing? I haven't checked. But he could probably learn how. He learned how to fly a frickin' helicopter. I also heard that he learned

how to hold his breath for seven minutes. Really? In the last Mission Impossible, where he had to do a whole bunch of underwater stuff. Like his character had to be submerged for seven minutes. They can definitely cheat that. Has he done a bad movie? What's the worst movie he's been in?

He's definitely done bad movies. What's his seven pounds? Oblivion I think people didn't like, but I thought it was cool. Because at the end of the day even a bad movie with Tom Cruise is pretty freaking good he's still Tom fucking Cruise because it's me and Tom and we're hanging out in a movie theater for two hours at least

you know Cruise is down to chill alright that's our unsolicited advice can he sing? Christ Blumenfeld do I have to beg it? can Tom Cruise sing? the number one autofill was, can Tom Cruise read? Casting, Tom Cruise played Stacey Jacks in the film Rock of Ages. Shankman knew Cruise was in when he heard him,

and on the first go-around of his voice lesson, confirming that he actually has a fantastic voice. Cruise has been singing for five hours a day to prepare for this work as a musician, Stacey Jacks. Have you seen Rock of Ages? No. I haven't seen it either, but it's him singing. Oh, that's right. He's Rock of Ages.

All right, sweet. Let's watch that later. All right. Next question. Next question. Do you want to tackle a Romanian hottie or a person who might kill their cat? Killing the cat. Kill the cat.

Let's get another girl's name. Moonshine Siben. All right. Moonshine Siben. That's Emily. Right. I'll get straight to the point. I'm scared I'm going to kill my cat or at the very least injure her severely.

We just moved and out of our house, the two cats slept in the basement in the old house I know it sounds like a cold hellscape But they actually loved it But now they don't have a basement or anywhere for them to sleep So I was like, fuck it, they can sleep in my room And it's fun to have them with me But here's the thing One of the cats, Lottie, will always sleep right next to me on the pillow

She's small enough to take out about half of it So I don't really move her I always feel too guilty Now you might be thinking, okay, no problem Oh, if you roll over on her She's small enough to take out about half of it, so I don't really move her. I always feel too guilty. Now you might be thinking, okay, no problem. Oh, if you roll over on her, I'm sure she'll just meow and run away. I fucking wish. The thing is, Lottie is extremely fucking stupid.

I don't know if she just doesn't register pain or what, but she doesn't. I accidentally stepped on her tail once and she didn't flinch. She just looked at me dead in the eyes. So I fear that I might roll over and suffocate and crush her. I know she would just let it happen. I love her to death when she's so painfully dumb. The other cat had to teach her how to groom herself when we

first got her. She stunk for the first year of life until he was like, okay, fuck you. You stink. This is how you're going to clean yourself. So yeah, to sum it up, I might roll over on my cat and she just might let it happen. Please help! Also not sure if we're supposed to put in our info on here but if it's something

or if it's something you sort of guessed. But I'll do it anyway. I'm female, 15, and from California. Have fun helping me not kill my cat! Alright. We are all Lottie. We're all the dumb cat thing. We're all the dumb cat. Imagine being so dumb you don't even say you're in pain.

I'm stepping on your foot and you stare at me dumbfounded. This is fine on the day. I wish I didn't feel this. Or maybe she just doesn't feel the pain at all. Yeah. I think even if you don't feel pain, you would probably feel when you're getting suffocated. Oh, it's happening.

I'm blacking out and I am gone forever. Good night. Meow. I also think it'd be really hard to like roll over on her if she's on the pillow and you suffocate her. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you'd have to move her under the pillow. Yeah. And she would have to be so dumb she wouldn't struggle to get out.

Here's what I want you to try. Give her a little half drown no a little half drown to see if she struggles otherwise what if she's just staring at you blank faced under the water and little bubbles are coming out of her nose she's too dumb to even be afraid of water then at that point you give up the cat you realize you actually have a stuffed cat, right? Your cat. Lottie is not a real cat. Lottie has no body. She's a stuffed little hottie.

She can't feel or experience or communicate pain. That's Lottie for you. That's like, it's like the extreme version of why people don't like cats. It's like, I can't, I can't reason with this beast. Right. It's, it's nice to hear. It's kind of refreshing to hear a cat is stupid. Because so often people are like, oh, the cats are so smart.

Yeah, they're so smart. That's why they act like that. They don't just run up for affection because they're smarter than you. Yeah, well, give me a dumbass dog then. I want someone who's so dumb they think I was dead when I left for five minutes. And now when I'm back, they're fucking flipping their shit. That's pain. When I step on Luke's tail, I want to hear a little hell yep oh you'll yip yip and he'll hold a grudge too because unlike

an elephant my cat never forgets i'm trying i'm thinking about getting a dog thinking hard about getting a dog you dog sat the other day i. How'd that go? It was great. For my birthday, Jill got me a day with a dog. She borrowed a dog from a friend and brought it over the house and I'd never met the dog. It was a great dog.

But I woke up and I just like heard panting in the kitchen. I was like, doggy? And the dog ran into the bedroom. Did you think for a second she got you a dog for real it crossed my mind i would like my first thought was just like jill would never she would never she didn't and then i looked at her and i was like

you and she was like we have it for the day sorry i was gonna ask if you turned into the dog i thought you were the dog for a second and i I was like, upgrade. So she got you, was it like a favor or she's like, can I borrow a friend's dog for the day? She asked her friend if we could borrow the dog for the day. We took it on a hike. As a gift. Yeah. As a gift to me. It was awesome. You're like a six-year-old boy. Yes. Except not as sad when they have to give the dog back. Or maybe you were. I wasn't. You know, it is a lot to have a dog.

I was like. Constantly, like, where's the dog? What's the dog doing? I have to entertain the dog. Yeah, because we went on a hike and I was like, got out of the car. I was like, oh, wait, I can't just open the door. Yeah. Like, all right, dog's on a leash.

And then I'm like, oh, I have to put on my backpack. Like, will you hold the dog while I do this? Yeah, it's this little responsibility, low low level that just is constantly there right like someone has to have their eyes and hand on it yeah at all times and until you stop giving a shit about the dog then it's like oh i left the dog at home oh the dog is wherever now i'm on a hike and i didn't bring the dog yeah i guess i did sort of imagine that like maybe at some point you like once you know the dog really well, you're like, oh, I don't have to look and make sure the dog's not eating the carpet.

Because I know this dog never eats the carpet. Or I know the dog always eats the carpet. And the dog's eating the carpet. And I can know that without looking. Because he's my fucking dog, that's why. Did you feed the dog? I fed her treats. That's good.

Did you water the dog? You have to water the dog. We a fed a fed her i we fed her treats that's good did you water the dog you have to water the dog we gave her water uh we gave her lots of water gave her a couple treats did you give the dog away at the end of the day did you go back or did it did you sleep with the dog we brought the dog back at like 6 p.m and uh jill's friend said that she laid at the door and cried for us. Wow. So the dog just one day into it instantly prefers it to a home. I took that dog on a hike and gave it lots of treats. It made sense to me that that dog would be in love with me. Because who knows how often somebody who has the dog all the time,

they're not hiking every day. And they're definitely not giving it as much treats as I did. It was unhealthy. Yeah, too many treats. It was absolutely unhealthy. How many treats did you give her? The dog vomited several times. Treats.

The treats. What kind of treats? Doggy treats? Human treats. Human treats. Truffles? Yeah, little chocolates. Chocolate chip cookies?

Yeah, you can't do that. You can't do the chocolate. But it's a lot of chocolate malt. That's a lot of chocolate. That's a lot of chocolate for the dog. Well, I gave it some Hershey Kisses. That's not chocolate. No. That's milk chocolate. That's a lot of chocolate for the dog. Well, I gave it some Hershey Kisses. That's not chocolate. No.

That's milk chocolate. That's milk chocolate. Is the dog not allowed to have milk? Last time I checked, I breastfed a cat. Christ. At a funeral. Do you want to answer one more question? Sure.

Give me a guy's name. Hard One fucking Surefoot. I love that. Hard One writes, I love the show and it seems that I need your help. I matched with this girl on Hater who pretty quickly started sending me nudes on Snapchat. And I'm a 17 year old boy from Norway and she's 18 from Romania. She was in an open relationship with a girl there because she was bi. So that and the fact that we live in different countries made me think it was harmless flirting and sexting. Surely nothing could come of it, right? Think again.

Got it so far? I think so. He matched with a bi stranger in a different country on hater where where is he from he's from norway okay and she's from where romania i don't know if that's like good or close or that just seems like a random world cup match that i accidentally watched once anyway she's broken up with her boyfriend since our girlfriend since claiming she was a lying bitch and immediately told me that I was now her main dude. It also turns out that she was way more invested in this than I was, as I grew bored of the constant

texting a few days after we had started talking. But now, a month later, she still texts and snaps a lot. While this may be a bit annoying, it's fine. I mean, I get a fair amount of nudes from it. But here's where things get complicated. Yesterday, she sent me a snap saying, you like my Louis Vuitton bag? Well, I'm going to sell it and a couple more to visit you in Norway. I answered with, no, you shouldn't do that. And her reply was, why not? I want to see you.

Fuck you. I dodged it with some comment about how she shouldn't sell things to see me, how she should come to Norway for the scenery. I can't help but think that this thing should be like a dream come true. But the thing is, I'm a virgin. And I don't think I want my first time to be with a girl from a different country who's a lot more invested than me and in what we have going on. I definitely don't want a long distance relationship. But I'm also like another girl that actually, I actually like, sorry, I like another girl that actually goes to my school, and although she doesn't like me romantically yet, I'm still really interested in her.

Me and this hater girl from Romania match pretty well, personality-wise, and keep in mind that she is a super hot girl that I can get nudes from anytime without ever having to send someone of my own. So my question is, what should I do with this situation? I don't want to hurt her feelings and I definitely don't want her to sell her stuff to come see me and I don't even know if I want to have sex with her. I would be very much appreciated to get your help, hopefully, before she buys a ticket. P.S., attaching some photos so you can see what she

looks like. And it's attached photos of an attractive 18-year-old Romanian lady. Okay. What an international love affair uh yeah why i don't quite understand why he doesn't like the girl from romania that likes him he's just nervous he's nervous because he's a virgin and it's this 18 year old hottie. And it's like, whoa, I don't want this to be my first time. Things got too real too quickly.

We don't necessarily mesh. I really hate if, but he said he got along. I hate for my first time to be with somebody who likes me is really hot and we get along well. Yeah, he's afraid to take the plunge because it's his first time. That's fair. So you don't have, you can see her and not have sex that's also fine oh like set the parameters before she gets there yeah like i want to i want to see you i don't know if i'm ready for sex i like the nudes but the nudes in person irl might

freak me out there's also the idea that like you can't continue to have stuff exactly the way you like it and not hurt her feelings. Your ideal is you want to get free nudes from her whenever you want, talk to her as little as possible, never see her, and have her feelings not be hurt because you like her enough to at least not want to hurt her feelings. That's right. But you have to understand that the things you want would hurt her feelings. Uh-huh. If she heard like, all right, so what I want out of this is nudes from you,

minimal communication, and you don't come to visit. That's sad for her to hear. But it hurts her feelings less to hear these things now than it would for her to hear them after she's sold her bags, after she's visited you, maybe after you've even slept with her. I understand that there's a lot of pressure on the visit

because it's like, whoa, you're visiting me. I hope now I have to entertain you. You should come unrelated to me and then that'll be fine because you're not relying on me and you're not here for God knows how long and the sex might be great, but then it might come with a lot of pressure or baggage. Right. So. You don't want to have a house guest. Yeah, no house guest.

So I think what he can say is like, I'd like to see you. I don't necessarily want you to visit just for me. But if you're in Norway, yes, I'd love to hang out and whatever happens, happens. Right. And she's like, I live in Romania. Why would I ever go to Norway except to see you? Have you watched our fjords? There are beautiful jorgs of fjords here.

You can have fun on the fjords, and then you can have fun in my Fords. That's right. I drive a Ford Taurus because I am a Taurus. How's that for a fiesta? Nice. A Ford fiesta. So obviously you would go for it because you jump headfirst into exciting stories. I'm in love with her.

Yes. What? I just showed you one picture and all of a sudden. And I didn't even see it because of the glare. But she's 18 and she lives in Romania. I see you. You're downloading hater. I am a hater.

You're downloading hater. You're a hater. I had to look up what hater was. Do you know what hater is? It's a dating app where it matches you based on mutual hatreds or things oh it's like i hate vegans oh i hate vegans too the theory being that people are more attracted to those that hate similar things rather than like similar things that's inherently negative i'm not behind it yeah so you would match with someone who also hated that yeah cool

i'm back in uh all right so what would do? This is if I were you after all. What I would do is let her visit me and tell her to stay with me and then regret it the entire time. That's probably what I would do. I think what you should do is tell her that you're not ready for a relationship where you guys see each other, but you like texting every once in a while because that's the truth. Yeah. God, it would be a fun story. I want to see what happens. Whatever happens, you got to let us know. Give us that follow-up. Yeah, we need to follow up. like texting every once in a while because that's the truth yeah god it would be a fun story i want to see what happens whatever happens you got to let us know give us that follow-up yeah we need

to follow up i could but you know he's uh he's a teenager from norway it's a it's a lot of pressure it's an exciting situation good time kind of i kind of want to just say yes because it'll be like a great story not only for us but for himself later in life you'll definitely survive unless she's some sort of ethan hunt-esque spy how cool was it at the the cold open of mission impossible where he's like we're always something and then goes and then just the credits are rolling did you like it uh she did she liked it a lot all right cool because i want to know like the the pov of somebody who's not necessarily a huge tom Cruise slash action movie star. Yeah, right, exactly.

Jill does not usually like action movies, but she dug it. And she went to bed in the middle of Avengers Infinity War, which we also watched this weekend. It was a whole Jake Weaver. For I got my way. That's 33, baby. That's the difference.

I don't like superhero movies because it's just like I'm inventing a gun and now I've invented a bigger gun and there's just so much special effects i can't wrap my brain around it but i like the idea of tom cruise jumping from a building to another building that's more this is like understandable to me you're like i could imagine an evil mastermind trying to set off atomic bombs yeah but i can't quite imagine a uh alien overlord trying to take over the universe yeah do you like both of them you like you like ethan hunt and you like the alien over no yeah i like any any like buddy like i like

people of outstanding uh stature and prowess uh overcoming odds like even like because tom cruise is the man he can he can do anything but it's like that mission was nearly impossible even for Tom Cruise it was so close the way they narrowly avoided disaster

what I want to see is Tom Cruise in a superhero movie so I can know once and for all do I just dislike superhero movies or do I love

Tom Cruise he never played a superhero right he's always just played like every man or not every man but like action. Ethan Hunt is basically Batman.

Yeah. Tom Cruise as Batman makes a lot of sense to me. I'd like to see that. It's too late. He's 55 or 56. He's forever young. Forever young. All right.

Thanks for listening. We are all out of time. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening one was Jakey's mom. This closing one is Silvana. Again, I think we used her song last week or the week before. Another theme song. It's an Ocean Eyes cover. Not really sure what that is, but thank you, Silvana. And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. By the time you hear our next episode, Jake will be a married man. Oh boy. Imagine that, dragons. Ciao. Oh boy. Imagine that, dragons.

Ciao. Adios. I've been listening for a while. This podcast never fails to make me smile. Make me smile. No fair. Make me smile, no fair No matter how hard I try, can't be funny as these two guys I'm scared The chick in the mirror will die when their plane falls from the sky, from the sky.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Bye. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.